01/02/2014 EastEnders Omnibus

Bit early.

Breakfast.

You'll get fat if you eat all them.

They're for my dad.

Nice.

Now it finally feels like our pub.

Our pub with rising damp.

You'll be back in time for opening, won't you?

Yeah, of course. It's a flying visit.

-Where's Shirley?

-She'll be here. She won't let us down.

Going to break the habit of a lifetime, is she?

-This has got to work, Mick.

-I know.

I'm sorry. I'm just worried.

On top of everything else,

I'm on pins waiting for that phone to ring and for Environmental Health to decide our fate.

It's like everything's stacked against us.

I don't feel like we can enjoy any of it.

We will.

By the end of today, it'll be sorted. I promise.

-You all right?

-All right, sis?

-You nearly ready?

-No. For what?

-You've forgotten, haven't you? It's Dad!

Oh. Yeah, er...listen, I've had some motors come in.

-Can we do it tomorrow?

-Dot's away at Nigel's for the week and she's asked me to check in on him.

-Oh, don't worry. I'll go on my own like I normally do.

-Don't be like that, sis. It's not fair, is it?

-You sure he's got money?

-Yeah. He won 20 grand on the Premium Bonds.

You said that was, like, two years ago. He's probably blown it on the horses and beer.

No, he hasn't. I saw him a few months back,

and he said if I needed a bit of help I just had to ask...

Carol! Come on! I'll take you.

-You sure it's not putting you out?

-Just get in the car, will ya?

They're going to see their dad.

-You don't have to come, you know...

-It's all right.

I can handle him.

25 years.

I know.

-If we didn't need the money...

-I said it's all right.

Let's just get there, eh?

-How come we never go and see him?

-He's, er, a difficult man.

-Yeah, but he's Dad's dad.

-Not all families are close.

-Maybe we will be now.

-We never used to see Auntie Shirley and now we live with her.

-No, I hate him.

Dad told me about him once when he was drunk.

Like the horrible things he used to say to him and Auntie Tina. That ain't right.

Well, not everyone has a dad as good as yours. You want to remember that sometimes.

PHONE RINGS

Queen Vic.

Oh, hello, Grandma.

-Mum's just nipped out...

-Why don't you want to talk to Grandma?

I just can't face her today.

She'll ask how the pub is and I don't want to lie to her.

What's Lady Di eating now?

-One of those pies. I thought they'd all gone!

-Get it off her!

-She can't eat dog pie! That's cannibalism!

-Oh, drop! Lady Di, drop it!

-It's like Silence Of The Lambs!

-Oh! Oh! She's going to be sick! Get her outside!

-No way!

Come on, outside.

Like I haven't got enough to deal with today!

-Hi.

-It's Mrs Allen.

They knew what time we were coming.

I'm sure they won't be long.

Great(!)

-Is everything all right?

-Mm. Everything's fine.

Nothing's happened, has it?

No, for a change, nothing's happened. I'm just tired, Max.

Well, we'll be in soon.

All I've done the past few weeks is wait -

wait around on other people - and now I'm sitting here

ready to paint on a smile and pretend that everything's all right.

-Listen, you ain't going to tell Dad, are you?

-Why shouldn't I?

-Carol!

-No, why shouldn't I?

Why should he live in blissful ignorance

when my family are having to deal with it?

I've been trying to protect Liam and the kids

but they're going to find out at some point.

I mean, and Dad - we all tiptoe around him but who's going to protect them?!

-He's sick, ain't he?

-So am I.

I can't sleep at night. You know, I'm lying there,

waiting for something to happen.

-What choice do

-I

-have?

And there's Dad. He's always been so selfish,

looking out for number one,

and we still have to pretend like we care and protect him.

Yeah, but you DO care.

Only cos he's my dad. Only cos I have to.

Why shouldn't he know the truth?

LINDA: Proud of yourself, are you?

Serves you right if you're sick, you greedy mutt...

-Talking to yourself, Linda? First sign of madness!

-Oh, hello...

Is everything all right? I noticed the pub was shut all weekend.

Oh! No, no. Everything's fine. We were just finishing off the refurb.

It's perfect. Got it just how we want it now. Going to open up today with a bang.

-Look forward to seeing it.

-First drink's on us.

Make sure mine's a large one, then. See you later.

Yeah, bye.

DOG VOMITS Uh!

Looks worse every time you see it.

Can you stop being like that? He's our dad.

-This is where we grew up. This is us.

-It's not me.

-Right. Come on, then, let's do it.

-I'm staying in the car.

-Oh, don't be like that, Shirl.

-Come on, just come up for a bit, show your face.

I said I'm staying in the car!

I should never have come here in the first place.

Come on, then, Tin. Let's get this out the way.

Sticking her nose in, acting like she cares.

Well, if she cared that much she wouldn't be opening her own bar at the end of the road.

20 years we've waited for a pub of our own.

20 years of your grandma breathing down our necks,

telling us what to do.

Finally we get it and we could lose it all.

Should I get me violin? Look, you've got a pub.

There's a few problems. Big deal.

-Thanks for the support(!)

-Here, look at this...

-It's not another cat playing a piano, is it?

-What am I looking at?

It's about breeding bulldogs.

Oh, no, no. That sounds like a lot of bother.

Look how much they go for each...

-Litter of five or six, you're talking...

-Is this right?

Lady Di, they're going to pimp you out!

-Should I e-mail the site?

-Let me see what your dad says when he gets back.

-It's a good idea, though, Johnny.

-Why don't you phone him about it?

Oh, no, no. I'm not interrupting him. Not today.

He hardly slept last night.

-You've no idea how much he's dreading seeing his dad.

-Is he really that bad?

The man's a monster.

-TV:

-'I've just had the best time in my life playing with all these animals.

'What a wonderful collection. They're great fun!

'Where did you get them?'

Surprise! Hello, Dad.

Bleedin' hell! You trying to give me a heart attack?

-What you doing here?

-Thought we'd surprise you.

We?

-Dad.

-Well, there's a turn-up.

Come here, son.

How are you?

You look well.

-I told him you'd be pleased to see him.

-Course I'm pleased.

-Here you are, we brought you some beers.

-I can guess whose idea that was.

How's the kids?

I still follow Lee...on the telly.

Find out what his division's doing. Bet you're proud of him.

-I'm proud of all my kids.

-What's the beard for? Lost your shaver?

-I like it.

-It suits you. How's Linda?

-She's good.

-Still living with her mother, are you?

No, no. We've got our own pub now.

Oh? Where's that, then?

-Walford.

-Walford, eh? Not far from here.

I used to go drinking down there back with the lads.

What's the name of your pub?

Queen Victoria.

Sounds posh. I'll have to make a visit down there.

Sit yourselves down. Turn that rubbish off.

-Here, these beers are warm.

-Oh, sorry.

Not to worry. I've got some in the fridge I 'alf-inched from a funeral the other day.

When you get to my age, all you do is go to funerals.

Sit yourself down if you're stopping.

Quite the turn-up for the books, to see you two little 'uns together.

You bought that for Dad, didn't you? You was only about 12.

-We need to ask him.

-All right, in a bit. We've only just got here.

Yeah, I know, but I want to get it sorted.

Actually, Dad...er, we've got a bit of a favour to ask.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Let me guess. Mick...

-I'm driving.

-One won't kill you.

You want money, right?

Only time I ever see her is when she wants a hand-out.

That ain't true.

You know I like coming to see you.

Having a beer, watching TV, playing cards...

Tina says you had a win on the Premium Bonds.

Yeah. Little nest egg.

I was going to come and see you anyway, Dad,

but it's Mick's pub, right?

It's got this rising damp and it's going to be sort of expensive to sort out.

-We thought maybe you could help.

-How much are we talking?

-About ten grand.

-Oh...that bad?

Yeah, I didn't think you'd have it.

-Forget about it. We shouldn't have come.

-No, no, I've got it.

Hope you're having some quotes. Not letting some cowboy rip you off.

Yeah.

If you could help out...

I'd appreciate it.

-And how does Tina come into all this?

-I'm living with Mick now.

-Oh, that's nice.

And what about her outside?

She living with you?

I've seen her. Standing out there like her farts don't smell.

We're all together now.

Oh, that's very nice. So what's she doing out there? Keeping the motor running for your getaway?

She's a bit churned up, Dad. It's been a long time.

-Yeah, she won't even say hello.

-I told her to come up, didn't I, Mick?

-You know Shirl.

-Oh, yeah. I know Shirl.

You want the money? You can have it.

But I want to see her too. Tell her to come up.

This is nothing to do with Shirley.

-I

-need the money and I reckon I'm owed it.

I think it's Shirley's turn to do the asking, don't you?

Aw, look! Look! Aren't they sweet?

They come out looking like they need an iron.

How many times can she get pregnant in one year? Mum, we could be quids in.

At this rate we might need it. I wish they'd hurry up and call.

Er, where did we put her pedigree papers?

-Dunno.

-Well, we'll need them to prove she's proper.

You know, there's a site here that finds the right dog.

You know, like in Fiddler On The Roof. Do you remember?

# Matchmaker, matchmaker Make me a match... #

-That's it!

-Oh, I see. I'm down there setting up and you're up here prancing about

-and making a little sandwich.

-Oh, Nance, Nance, look, look - baby bulldogs!

Eurgh! Rancid. They look like prunes.

You won't say that when they're here. Tiny barks, little ears...

I hate baby things, man.

-That's me not being made a grandma any time soon, then.

-Damn straight. You know I don't want kids.

Break it to me gently, why don't you(?)

-I'd like to have kids.

-What are you going to be, then - the mum or the dad?

I don't care. I'm going to have kids and when I do,

they're going to see loads of their Grandma Linda and loads of their Grandpa Mick.

-Course, cos you'll still be living at home.

-I wouldn't mind.

I'd rather have a full house like we had at your grandma's

-than be stuck on my own like your dad's dad.

-Oh, that ain't going to happen to you.

You're going to be an amazing mum.

-I've just said that...

-Yeah, yeah, but when the time comes, you're going to be fantastic.

Although the thought of your baby stuffed into a tiny tracksuit is...

PHONE RINGS I'll get it.

It's probably your gran again.

Queen Vic.

Yes, this is Linda Carter.

Oh, hello, Mr Brewer. Yes, I've been expecting your call.

Sorry? Er, would you... Would you mind repeating that?

-We're in the clear! It was lamb!

-Not dog?

-Not dog!

Oh, sorry about that. Yeah, no, that's perfectly understandable.

-Thank you for letting me know.

-Nance, we're in the clear. Mum ain't going to prison.

Actually, that has probably has saved me some street cred.

"Oi, Nance, what's your mum in for? Like, GBH? Drugs?"

"Nah. Er...selling pies."

-You've no idea how relieved I am!

-Relieved?

Oh, Sharon! We're not open yet.

Well, I couldn't wait to see all the changes.

-Everything all right, is it?

-It couldn't be better.

-Good.

-Nancy, get Sharon a drink on the house.

-Cheers, babe.

-Where'd the dog tag come from?

No idea.

But the minute I see Shirley, I'm going to be having words.

-He can shove his money!

-He'll give it to us. He just wants to see Shirl first.

-It's not going to happen. Let's go.

-How is he?

Yeah, he's on good form. Come on, he wants to see you for a few minutes.

-Tina.

-He misses you! He wants to see you.

-Every time I see him, he always asks after you.

-Let's just go home.

Has he got the money?

You don't have to do this, Shirl.

He's ready for you now.

Carol...

Carol, babe, please don't do this, all right?

I know you're angry, but don't take it out on him.

Look, I've spent most of my life hating him, all right?

But he's just an old, sick man now.

What's the point in him knowing?

Plus, I know you, darling. If you tell him, you're going to hate yourself.

Can I have my arm back, please?

Hello, Dad.

Look who I've brought to see you.

You all right, Dad?

DOOR CLOSES

All right, girl?

Look at you.

My Shirley Temple's come home.

We wanted to go back to our roots - a good old cosy East End pub.

-We had the paint stripped off the bar - you know, get back to the mahogany.

-Nice.

I changed the bar stools.

We recovered the banquettes and we got new curtains.

We wanted to create a pub where the customers felt

they could bed in for the night.

Come and have a drink, have a chat with their mates and neighbours.

-A real focal point for the community.

-"Oliver!"?

A personal touch.

-What do you think?

-Yeah, well, it's lovely. Really nice.

-You should see what we've done in the ladies' - that is really special.

-Better go and have a nose, then.

Right, you two! This is it. I can feel it.

A new beginning.

Nothing but blue skies from now on!

-The Carters are back in business!

-Yeah!

Your face. Look at your face.

Take the weight off.

25 years, eh?

-Surprised you remembered.

-Course I do.

Look at you - same old Shirl.

You've changed.

Body's giving up, but I've still got it up here.

Bet you think I'm a right state.

I'm an old man, Shirl. Hardly ever go out.

Most days I don't see anyone at all.

And there's the three of you in a pub...

..just ten minutes down the road.

-Let me get you a drink.

-I'm not staying.

Oh, come on, Shirl. First time I've known you turn down a drink.

Place hasn't changed much, has it? Here.

Remember that time you wanted to paint in here?

And you put the paint lid down on a chair and I sat on it.

You and the kids couldn't stop laughing.

Ruined my best pair of trousers.

Those were good days.

Are you going to give us the money?

I'm talking about us and you have to bring up money.

-You was raised better than that.

-You know what? Forget it.

-This was a mistake.

-Just like your mum.

Things get tough and you run away.

You walked out on your kids, same as she walked out on hers.

Chip off the old block.

You abandoned any more I don't know about?

Have you put any more of yours into care?

-Don't you lay that at my door.

-We were doing fine.

-They was better off in care.

-Try telling Mick that!

I couldn't cope.

I'm not proud of it.

I did what I thought was best for all of us.

They've forgiven me, the little 'uns.

Probably don't even remember.

And the Social Services, they understood.

They saw how hard it was for me.

Have you finished?

You're forgetting that I was there.

-It wasn't my fault.

-No, it never is, is it?

Let's blame Mum for walking out, blame ME for breathing!

Tell you what, I'll get Aunt Babe on the phone and you can blame her.

You leave her where she belongs!

No-one ever tells you about how to be a parent.

All right. I put me hand up.

I did wrong - wrong to the little 'uns, wrong to you.

I'm glad you're all back together again, really glad.

Mind you, they was always close, wasn't they? Always us and them.

Except when they wanted something. Bit like now, eh?

Bet it wasn't your idea to come today.

Mick and Tina - always the same, thick as thieves.

-We should go and get her.

-She'll be fine. They're probably talking about the old days.

The good old days(?) I don't like it.

I don't like leaving her alone with him.

Here. Ten grand.

-Do you hide it under the mattress?

-Don't be daft. Back of the wardrobe.

-You owe me for this.

-I owe YOU?

-Well, you know.

-I owe you nothing!

This is for Mick.

Might make up for some of the things that you put him through.

You know, it's funny you act so maternal about Mick

when you abandoned your own kids.

Mick's not your son. He's got his own family.

You don't fit in there, Shirley. Mick and Tina -

they don't need looking after no more.

What about your own kids?

Bumped into Dean a few months back.

-What are you talking about?

-He's dropped the O.

Good job, if you ask me. Who wants a name like Deano?

-He's abroad.

-Is he? Well, he wasn't when he sat there.

Having a beer, bit of a chat. Didn't want nothing.

Not like you.

Gave me his number, in case I ever needed anything.

-You're lying.

-Am I?

You can kid yourself all you like.

Living with Mick and Linda - that's not going to last.

That stuck-up cow hates you and Mick's too weak to stand up to her.

Oh, they'll put up with you as long as they need you,

but you're not their family.

Here's your real family. Your son, Shirley.

Mick's going to turn his back on you and then where will you be?

Out in the cold again?

You phone your boy.

-You did the right thing.

-I'm sorry, I...

-Oi. Don't apologise, all right?

-I'm so tired.

-You ain't got to apologise to me.

-Sometimes I just feel so angry, I want to lash out at someone.

Yeah, I know.

Why has this happened to me, Max?

Come here. Come here.

How'd it go?

I told you! You said he'd wouldn't give it you, but I knew he would.

-You OK?

-Just drive.

BOTTLES CLINK

LAUGHTER DOWNSTAIRS

-What is it?

-Sh! (There's someone downstairs.)

BOTTLES CLINK

No. D-d-d... Let's get Dad.

Oi! Police are on their way, yeah?

THEY CHUCKLE

Oh...

"Let's get Dad!"

-Go on, Nance, protecting the family.

-Someone's got to, ain't they?

No, I like it. I like it. Good girl.

Do you know what time it is?

Shut up! Don't wake your mother up.

Tell me you ain't spent all of it.

What?

(You awake?)

Yeah.

Here y'are.

I got you a bit of breakfast.

-I don't need you to look after me, David.

-It's a boiled egg and a bit of toast.

Right, you need to make up with Terry.

And I'm going to nip out and get Morgan some trainers before my shift.

I'm going to have a quick shower.

-I get it, Carol.

-Oh, you do, do you?

-You're scared about next week.

-Oh, you think I don't know that(?)

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Hello?

SHE CLEARS THROAT

Those parrots are freaking me out.

-I knew you'd get it!

-Ten grand!

-I swear their eyes are following me.

-Proper sort out the rising damp.

-Sharon won't know what's hit her!

-Be able to get anything we need now.

We won't need bouncers - that's for sure.

I told you, didn't I? Told you your dad'd get it.

No, no, it was all Shirley.

Just like the whole dog pie thing? Oh, it was lamb, by the way.

So we ain't been closed down, thanks for asking(!)

You could thank her.

Mick likes his bacon crispy.

Oh, L, L, you're giving me a headache.

Your headache's got nothing to do with me.

-"Just a quick drink," you said.

-It WAS a quick drink.

Followed by another. And another.

-I think I'm going to be sick.

-You want to think again, love.

-YOU were meant to be working.

-It's all right. Just a burp.

Johnny had to cover for you.

-It really weren't a problem.

-That ain't the point.

If she's on the rota, she's on the rota.

Oh, rota! Caff!

You don't just get to decide when to turn up.

-You not eating?

-I'm not hungry.

-No offence,

but is it YOUR name above the door?

MUSIC ON RADIO: "Forever" by HAIM

What?

Right, time to go watch a bit more of my soul die.

Come on, Tam. Wha' gwan, man? It can't be that bad!

He thinks I don't know what I'm doing. I mean,

I've been doing this for months -

more months than it's healthy to hold a clipboard all day.

Yesterday, he told me to go and make him

a cup of tea with five sugars in it.

And I checked my job description

and nowhere does it say anything about hot beverages.

It doesn't say on my ID badge, "Tamwar, fetcher of tea."

I can't wait to leave.

-At least you've got a job, man.

-Yep.

Do you reckon there's enough in the uni fund to tell him where to go?

Well, you know what I think?

What I think is that to be a better employee you should turn up early.

And then maybe you won't go on the tea run and he won't ask you

for, like, bacon sandwich and chips as well, you know.

So my advice would definitely be... be early.

Great. Thank you for your invaluable advice(!)

I'll see you at lunchtime. I'll be the one without a soul.

HE SIGHS

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hiya. Don't tell me - Terry. "Big and bald," my sister said.

The very one. And as you don't look like a Robbie, you must be Sonia.

Yeah. Is my mum in? It's my day off. I thought I'd surprise her.

No, she's not, sorry. In fact I shouldn't be here myself.

I'm just picking dresses up for your sister.

-She at the caff?

-No, she's popped out. You all right, Sonia?

-David.

-You still playing the trumpet?

-You still playing the field?

TERRY CHUCKLES

My kids are going to love you.

Nice to see you're making friends.

Yeah, I like your daughter.

-He ain't my dad.

-Oh, yeah, I knew that. What an idiot. Sorry.

And before you say anything about me "being a father to her"...

David, I'm sorry about what I said.

I kicked off at him a bit last week.

He has that effect on people - I wouldn't worry.

Yeah, well, maybe I did cross the line a bit, Terry.

Ooh, is that you apologising, David(?)

-Don't sound so surprised.

-I'd better get these back to your sister,

-otherwise she'll think I'm trying them on. Again.

-All right.

Nice to meet you, Sonia.

-Yeah. Yeah, and you.

-See ya later. Bye, David.

-See ya.

-Bye.

-He seems like a nice guy.

-Ain't he just? I've got to get to work.

-Where's Mum?

-I don't know, Sonia. She woke up in a bad mood.

She's off to buy trainers for Morgan,

or bread rolls or something. I dunno.

That is Mum's problem - she don't know when to stop. I've got

a day off. I thought I could do a bit of cleaning or a bit of cooking.

-What do you think?

-Have you got the WHOLE day off?

Yesterday - I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you had to do that.

You already asked him. I was just the courier.

What happened up there, Shirl, with you and him?

What am I supposed to do if you won't tell me?

Are you going to bottle up?

-Go easy on her.

-She missed a shift!

-She got us the dough.

-Yeah, which she's drunk half of already.

PHONE RINGS

You need to go and get the car.

If you can remember where you left it.

You know what would really cure my hangover?

SHE CHUCKLES

Pedigree dog woman. Says she can come this afternoon.

Hello? Yeah, this is Linda Carter.

DOOR OPENS

You got my message, then?

Morning.

That Masood's new look, is it? Suits him.

Um, no, he's just ill today.

Throwing a sickie, is he?

Uh...

Me and Carol, we're living over there in that house - it's...

Well, it gets so busy, you know?

DOOR OPENS

All done?

Yeah. Running like clockwork.

Ta. Thanks. Hang on a sec.

Ta. Sweet.

It, er, yeah, gets really busy, Nikki, you know. It's quite hard.

Relationships. It's why I don't go in for them any more.

No?

Free and easy. No strings.

I need your help, Nikki.

She don't mean half of it. She just gets carried away.

Why do you always defend her...

..even when she wants you to be something that you're not?

She won't even accept you for who you are. But still...

still you defend her.

Yeah, she's my mum, ain't she?

Yeah, but that's not what I'm saying.

Like I said, she just gets carried away.

It don't matter what happens between us. She's my mum.

Finished your round already?

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Look, whoever you are,

you can't just keep calling and then not saying anything...

Oh... No, sorry, she's not in at the moment.

Do you want me to take a message?

They've changed patches. You know, swapped them.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

I asked them to, so I could get some overtime.

-So everything's OK?

-Yeah. Everything's fine.

And all that stuff with the gambling and all that - it's all finished?

Yeah. Clean as a whistle.

Good. Good.

Excellent. Good. Yeah, nice.

So... So, what is this?

You know my dad was the same?

-You know, lie upon lie.

-Yeah, all right.

-I've seen this, Mr Mas.

-OK.

-Then cut me some slack, will you?

-Fix up, then.

-I am!

Cos you know what I've got to do if you don't.

I said... I promised I would sort this out for Tam.

-So, you've put his money back, then, yeah?

-I said I would, didn't I?

That's why - the gambling and the overtime.

OK, so there's more than just a few bits of paper

and a handful of change in there?

OK, all right.

You know what?

You have really got to trust me, you know?

And why do I have to do that?

Because I need you to. Like... Like your dad did,

you know, when he was having it hard.

I just need to feel that someone actually has a bit of faith in me.

Come on, Fatboy.

Please?

(All right.)

Nah, you're having a bubble!

I read it in one of my magazines.

You've got to stop boy dogs from doing their...

When you've finished that, are you going to take the rubbish out?

One shift, Linda. I missed one shift.

-She looks so cute!

-You take her out, then.

-Wearing them?

-We can't breed her if she's already up the duff, can we?

You're taking the mick.

Come on, Di. Good girl.

I bet that ain't what you pictured when you fiddled the place off Phil.

Least I ain't pulling pints in an 'airdresser's.

Sorry, just when you think you've seen everything...

Not that I've seen everything, or not really seen much.

Sheltered upbringing. Is that what people are doing now with dogs?

No, it's my mum. She wants to breed her.

Well, I guess that'll get the boy dogs going.

I just cannot remember where I left that haddock!

I don't really like haddock. Or is it kippers?

He's talking about his car.

-Oh.

-What's this, a wind-up?

-No, unfortunately.

-Tel, are you having that?

I've already told your dog about stealing my pants!

It's Mum's idea. No unauthorised access.

Oh! Better get YOU a pair, then, hadn't I?

Oh...

TRAMP WHINES

Abi!

Lauren!

TRAMP BARKS

No. No. No way.

You think I'm going to take you out for a walk?

You must have gone mad.

What, so I can stand there while you do your doggy business?

No. Walk yourself.

I'm sorry, I got held up.

Have you seen them samba drummers at Pride?

That's my head.

MUSIC IN CAFF: "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell

Are you all right, Mum?

Don't worry, I've seen David.

TV ON IN BACKGROUND

DOOR OPENS

What are you doing?

Hair of the dog?

Pedigree dog? Dog in a pie?

I'd rather have some chips.

Chip-shop chips?

I'll get my coat.

That was my escape fund. That was going to get me out of here.

I know, I know, I know.

-And you just thought you'd steal it and replace it with that?

-I know.

I thought you were my mate, yeah?

-"Bro".

-I am, man. Come on.

That's months and months of saving, Fats. It's gone!

I've got to tell you something and you ain't going to like it,

-but I've got to tell you.

-Go on, then. Tell me.

Uh, has, er...

-Yeah.

-..something...?

-My uni fund's gone.

I'm really disappointed in you.

You come into our house as a guest...

What?!

You think I stole your money? Is that what you think, bruv?

-You think I stole your money?

-What other explanation is there, eh?

You know what? I didn't touch this money, all right?

I did not steal this money, all right? I...

You know, I, er... I borrowed it, OK?

There was... There was cash-flow problems and, er, work and...

OK, then.

-You didn't think you could just come and talk to me?

-Yeah, you know what?

Talking ain't that easy sometimes, eh?

Yeah, I think you should probably move out.

-Well I don't think that's necessary, Tam.

-No?

-No.

I mean, he's not really a thief, but...

Taking without consent. I think you'll find that's theft.

And he's a liar. And I don't want to live with a liar.

No, you know what? You're right, bruv.

-No-one wants to live with a liar.

-No.

-No, no-one.

Eh, Mr Mas?

No? Was he stuck in there the entire flight?

Yeah, the whole time. There was nothing we could do.

-How did he get out?

-Hello, Carol.

-Wotcher.

-You need to go.

-Carol?

-David's asked me to...

-No, no, no, just go.

-I'll see you later.

-Yeah. Sorry, Nikki.

I was making her a cup of tea.

I come back here, and find you with that woman in my house.

You always think the worst of me, don't you?

Well, doesn't take you long to get bored, does it?

Oh, is that what this is? Me being bored?

Right, so what was she doing here? Was she buying another car?

I don't think I want to tell you now.

What, like you didn't want to tell me about Sonia?

You just can't keep interfering, David!

I wanted to surprise you, all right? Give you a break.

What bit of "normal" do you not understand?

Or is it cos you don't do normal, cos you're the great David Wicks?

I can't win with you, can I?

This isn't about winning. This isn't about a competition.

I know it's not a competition!

Look, seeing my dad yesterday, all right?

Everybody running round after him with medicine, drink, food.

Taking him to the toilet. I don't want to be like that.

I've got cancer, David. Not you, not Bianca, not Sonia. But me.

I don't want to be your precious little thing,

all wrapped up in cotton wool.

Right? I want to do this myself. My way.

And I'll be there for you, I will. When you want me

and when you don't want me, I'll be there -

standing by your side.

So I guess you won't want these, then?

Nikki swung us some flights to Paris.

I packed your bag and everything.

I found your passport. Don't think much of your photo but...

Did you, um... Did you have a look at the date?

The date?

The expiry date.

-Sorry.

-Oh, flippin' heck!

Don't laugh.

I'm sorry!

Sharon. I hear you're turning it into a bar.

Oh, word gets round!

Yeah. It'll be lovely as a bar.

Not a salon.

Yeah, well, life goes on, eh?

I suppose you might need some new staff, then?

You know, maybe some young, well turned out, lovely nails...

Not yet, Poppy. Sorry.

-Sharon?

-Yeah?

Um, Dot's son, Nick.

What about him?

Nothing. I just saw a photo of him, you know.

It made me think. She never really talks about him, does she?

Well, he, um... He had a problem with drugs.

He'd do anything to get money out of her.

Broke her heart with his lies.

She always took him back, though. Catch you later.

Do you ever think about Zsa Zsa?

Where the dooby-doo's that come from?

-D'you miss her?

-I have called her, you know. She does know we're here.

She don't want to know.

Let's be honest. She hates my guts.

Is this about Dad? Has he said something about me?

It's not about Dad.

Has he said something about Mum?

Nothing that he hasn't said before.

Did he mention Aunt Babe?

Why? What's she done?

I don't know. But he was really funny about her.

Do you keep in touch with her?

No, I ain't seen her in years.

-Shall we call her?

-No.

-Go see her?

-No.

-Come on, the family'd be back together again.

She'll only talk about Mum.

But that'd be nice.

I said no, Tina. And I don't want any more surprises.

Is that what this is about, then, yeah?

-Are you worrying about Aunt Babe?

-I was just asking.

Me and Zsa Zsa...

I just got off my head and watched while she brought herself up.

And wherever she is right now, I wish her well.

But the past is the past, yeah?

And this is my family, here.

With Queen Linda ruling the roost?

Yeah, well, her and Mick have been together for years.

Then they had three kids. And now they've got us.

When we was little 'uns, you was the mum.

Then it was Aunt Babe. And now, we've got...

Just so you know, I done that for Tam, all right?

-I did not do that for you.

-Yeah. Thank you.

I know what it feels like, don't I,

when you find out your dad ain't the man you think he is?

And right now my boy has lost enough.

-Where are you going to go?

-Like you care(!)

What you need to do is you need to sort yourself out.

Talk to him. Tell him everything.

He will understand.

Empty house.

We could go upstairs.

Go wee.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, my days! You do not respect your dog's life.

Well, you obviously don't recognise high fashion when you see it.

High fashion? Not if your dog's walking around in thongs.

If you think that's a thong, you ain't seen much girls' underwear.

I've seen plenty girls in their underwear.

No, I mean in person, not pay-per-view online.

How have you got your dog walking round in a nappy though?

Ain't that embarrassing?

She is on heat.

Ain't you embarrassed, walking round with that face?

Why don't you put your dog in a bag like Paris Hilton does?

Why don't you just shut up?

Stand there much longer, she might think you're a tree.

Look, I'm going to go and get a coffee, yeah.

-And?

-All right, suit yourself.

Come on.

Two sugars, yeah?

Do you want some lunch?

No, I should get back to work.

HE SIGHS

Serious things, though. You want to be a soldier?

Yeah. Got a problem with that?

No. I mean, not if you're going to walk around like Lara Croft.

Shut up! I mean a proper soldier.

-I swear down, next time I'll actually knock you out.

-In your dreams.

-You're not knocking out no-one.

-Sounds more like in YOUR dreams!

-Never know. So, why don't you?

-What, knock you out again?

No. Become a soldier.

Same old, innit? Just met a boy.

You know they've got these mad machines in the Army now, though,

innit? Like half boat, half car. Massive bazookas sticking out...

-Massive bazookas? Are you back on Lara Croft? That's a bit sexist.

-No!

Has that always been your thing, then? Cars?

Mm-hm. Cars, motorbikes, trucks.

You are such a boy!

Says soldier girl over there.

Thought I was Paris Hilton a minute ago.

What?

Nothing.

What?

Nothing.

No!

Yes, Tramp!

No, don't call again. No! Never!

Look, Nick, your mum does not want to see you, OK?

DISCONNECTION TONE

Nick?

Lady Di!

-Tramp!

-It ain't funny.

-You are punching above your weight, boy!

-My mum is going to kill me!

-How's she going to find out?

-She wants her pedigree.

-Di likes it rough.

-Can you get him off her, please?

I'm trying but I've never had to break up no doggie-doggie before!

I mean, come on... Nance?

Nancy, what are you doing?

Eh, stop it, man, it's not funny.

TRAMP GROWLS

We should have another karaoke!

I'll put my sequins on, get everyone in to see the refurb.

Yes, Johnny, you could do your Girls Aloud.

Johnny, I'll do your shift at lunchtime. I owe you one.

-You don't have to.

-Lunchtime don't count the same as an evening shift.

Then I'll work tonight as well.

As long as you don't mind changing the rota.

That... That seems fair.

Anyway, I've been thinking.

Last time you done some thinking,

we nearly ended up selling dogs in pastry.

-Linda!

-As I was saying,

I've been thinking.

-Now you either give me my cash back...

-YOUR cash?!

Well, I was the one that got it.

As I was saying,

you either give me my cash back

or...

..put my name above the door.

I'm here, Nance, don't worry.

DOG BARKS

You're going to be all right.

You'll be fine, OK?

YOU got the cash for us.

Yeah.

Don't be like this, Shirl.

I knew she'd cause trouble. I said so, didn't I?

Look, this is our pub. There's no way she's going to do this.

-Let's sit down and we'll talk about it.

-There's nothing to talk about!

One word - that's all she needs to hear. One word...

no.

Things are good - we're all back together. Don't ruin it.

I'm not being a skivvy no more.

I either get a slice of this or me and the cash will disappear.

Tell her, Mick.

L...

Don't you dare.

I'm not backing down.

I'll be in the caff.

You didn't take a number - what if he doesn't call back?

-We don't want him to.

-Well, Dot might.

Fats, he's bad news, OK? Everyone has said so.

-Sharon was saying earlier...

-That doesn't matter, OK?

-It's not your call.

-Excuse me for caring.

No. No, listen... Caring? OK, all right, that's cool.

-But making decisions for other people - that is not so cool.

-Look, just cos you don't agree with me,

-don't mean I'm the one that's in the wrong.

-Oh, you are so controlling.

-What?

-I'm just saying, you need to let people live their own lives.

If I'm so controlling, why have you moved in?

Because Tam kicked me out, didn't he?

Oh, right, OK, there was me thinking

-that you actually wanted to be with me.

-Babe, come on...

-Great.

-All right, let's not do this, please.

-You're the one that started this.

-Yeah, I know, but I was just...

I was just thinking that we're a team, yeah?

So there shouldn't be any secrets, all right?

And we should talk things through together

before making crazy decisions on our own.

-Crazy?

-I don't mean crazy, all right?

What I mean is that we should tell each other everything, yeah?

And work stuff out. Together.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Come here.

Nance?

Nance, listen, a mate of mine had a fit during football once.

And my teacher showed us what to do if anything happened.

Listen, just relax, yeah? This is epilepsy, right?

All right. Do you fit all the time or is it just now?

DOG BARKS

I'll need you to lie down so I can call an ambulance, all right?

-No, no, no, no.

-Listen, Nancy, I need you to relax

-so I can call an ambulance.

-Why is she so muddy?

-Well, cos they was having it away before you started. Can you just...?

-You can't tell anyone about this.

-All right, I won't.

-The dogs or the fit... You can't.

-OK.

Look, where are you going?

Oh, well. You may not be in Paris,

but you ain't lifting a finger tonight.

I am going to cook you something really special.

I'll go shopping, I'll cook it,

and I'll wash it all up afterwards. The lot.

PHONE RINGS

Sounds perfect.

Oh, it's Max.

Oh! Max?

What, now?

Well, it don't sound like I've got a choice, do I?

All right, yeah, you do. Bye, mate.

-You got to go to work?

-Yeah. Never mind.

-Hey, hey, listen...

-We can still get dinner.

I'll go shopping.

So that we spend more time together.

-Can I get a couple of them Chelsea buns, please.

-Yeah.

I'll just be sitting over there...

OK, are you going to stop being a stubborn little mare and talk to me?

I've already told you. I'm not being cheap labour for you and Linda any more.

And now the truth?

Here we go.

I can't help you if you don't tell me what's up.

I know talking to Dad took a lot of balls, Shirl.

-I'm very grateful.

-I don't care about him, you, Linda, Tina...

I want to be part of that place. It's my pub too.

Course it is. It's a family business.

A family business with your name above the door.

Leaving me with no rights.

I came here with an olive branch.

No, you came here with two Chelsea buns

and not a hope in hell of changing my mind.

HE SIGHS

Oh! Oh, no.

Whoa. Let me.

-They're useless, these bags.

-Hang on.

-Thanks.

Ouch!

You all right? Oh, no...

-It's nothing.

-No, no, no, you'll have to get that cleaned up.

-No, I'm fine. Really.

-Come on, come back to me. I insist.

Come on.

Sorry, it's a bit of a mess.

Managed to talk some sense into that sister of yours?

She's my sister, L. It's not easy.

"Shirley, you ain't getting a share of this pub." End of.

-I need to tread carefully.

-We've worked hard for all this, Mick.

I ain't going to let her ruin it.

DOG PANTS

Er, excuse me...

What you been up to - mud wrestling?

-Fell over.

-You're covered...

-It'll wash off.

What's happened?

Um...

All right, it was the dogs.

Look, Mum, I'm really sorry.

I literally turned my back for like two seconds and they were at it.

-Who were?

-Lady Di and this other dog.

-What?!

I'll have to cancel the stud appointment.

I told you to keep a close eye!

-You stupid, stupid...

-Linda, we haven't finished...

-I'll have to call her and explain...

-..talking...

Don't you walk away from me, young lady!

You look exhausted.

Yeah. Sleep's not my friend at the moment.

That's not like you.

You'd be surprised at the "me" nowadays.

Tell me.

We've all got problems, Mas.

Yeah? What's your problem?

Seems OK to me.

Don't be so sure.

Mas, no. No, no, Mas!

Carol, please, I need you right now.

It was just bad timing. We could try again, please...

Go home, Mas. Please.

I've been pretending to Tam I've been going to work for the past two weeks and I haven't.

I've got a letter sitting at home saying that I've been suspended

and I've got to go in for an interview.

Well, he'll understand.

And I stole from him.

What did you steal?

His uni fund savings.

I gambled it and I lost it all.

This isn't you. This doesn't make any sense.

-You have to tell him.

-I can't.

You have to tell Tam. You can't carry on like this.

It'll kill you. You have to go home and speak to Tam.

Mum's doing my nut in.

Where is she?

On the phone to the dog people.

-You all right, Nance?

-Yeah.

What do you want?!

It's a pub. What are you drinking?

I'm fine, thanks. I'm not stopping, actually.

I only came to give you this.

-You sure you're all right?

-Yes. Why wouldn't I be?

-Well...

-How do you know it was hers?

The travel card?

I bumped into him in the park.

So why didn't you just give it straight back?

Er...she...

Just seems funny, didn't it, that you'd pocket it,

but you just wouldn't hand it straight over.

-I thought that was my one.

-It was his dog with Lady Di.

Sure it weren't just the dogs that were at it?!

Why would you say that? That's disgusting.

You're covered in mud, you've been gone for ages, he turns up looking a little bit sheepish.

You going to tell me what's going on or am I going to beat it out of him?

-All right, I had a fit.

-You what?

-See?

-Are you OK?

She's fine, all right? I looked after her.

Upstairs. Now.

Tin, watch the bar.

Anything else? You know, it's a shame that we don't do smiles, you know.

Cos you could do with one.

Youth. Man, it's wasted on them.

Tam.

-You seen my dad?

-No, sorry, man. Oi, lis...

Right, you've got your job to do and I've got my rum to drink. See you.

See you.

-You OK?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what? No.

So, Tam's kicked me out and I've moved back in with Dot.

-So yeah.

-Oh. Moved in with the girlfriend. That's exciting.

You'd think so, innit?

Problems?

More than I thought. Listen, why did you kiss me?

-I don't know. Why did you kiss me?

-I don't know.

It's just been weird since me and Poppy have been back together.

I'm sorry.

I just don't know what to do.

You've just got to trust your feelings.

If it's not right, you'll know.

But if it's guilt you're feeling, then just forget about it.

It was just a stupid kiss.

What kiss?

YOU kissed someone?

No, I didn't...

HE MUMBLES

Pops, wait...

Pops, babe!

I just don't understand why you and Mum always have to freak out.

It's because you're our little girl.

You're hard as nails, but you're still our little girl.

You don't have to be tough all the time.

No-one is.

Yeah, but if it wasn't for this stupid condition,

I'd be in the Army now, wouldn't I?

Yep, and you would have made a top soldier,

but I'm glad you didn't get in.

I need you around me, Nance.

I don't want you to go anywhere, OK?

Have you farted?

Yeah.

Is it someone I know?

It is.

Is that why you were talking to Denise?

What? No...

All right, look, what really matters here is that it was a mistake,

all right? And that I'm sorry, babe.

So hang on a minute, you're happy to talk to Denise about it, but not me?

-No, baby, please...

-Since when did you and her get so chummy anyway?

Denise?

I don't know how, all right?

Or why... I just know she was upset about Ian, all right,

and so, I went to see if she was OK and she kissed me, all right?

But...I kissed her back.

And I am sorry for that, babe.

Was it just the once?

Yeah.

Anything else happen?

No.

Erm...

There was a time ages, ages ago...

before me and you and before her and Ian.

And...

..we slept together.

All right, this is before I was even looking at you, babe.

But this time, all right, I swear it was just a kiss.

Babe... Babe...

Come on, babe...

Baby, where are you going, all right?

We need to talk about this, OK?

Babe, you can't just leave!

Pops?

Don't. Don't even think about following me.

Where've you been?

Well, you got legs - why didn't you come and find me?

-I wonder.

-I've come to pack.

Ah! Yeah, that's right, you're leaving cos you don't really care about family, do you?

Dad give this to you, did he?

Have you called him?

-None of your business.

-Is that where you're heading?

Shouldn't you go and see him cos he's your son,

not cos you've got nowhere else to go?

I haven't rung him.

He's playing you, Dad. He knows exactly what buttons to press.

-He's jealous.

-Save your psychology for someone who's got more than one GCSE, yeah?

He hates the fact his three kids are together and he's not.

What did he say?

-Nothing that I didn't know already.

-What did he say to you?!

He said that I would never be part of your family.

He said that I'd always be an outsider.

And d'you know what? For once, he wasn't talking rubbish.

Well, you are part of this family and we do want you to stay.

On your terms, at arm's length. Nothing too permanent.

Cos I'm too much of a risk, aren't I, Mick?

I don't blame you.

I wouldn't trust me either.

Is that what you think?

I didn't fight hard enough.

I watched them take you away and I didn't fight.

Fighting would have made absolutely no difference.

The only person who should feel guilty about letting us down is Dad.

I've never blamed you. And nor has Tina.

We're your family. We always have and always will be.

But it's not happy families, is it, Mick?

Cos Linda is going to make you choose...

..and we all know where this is going.

I can't promise you that I can change Linda's mind. I will try.

But what I can promise you is that

whether you're a licensee or not, you are one of us.

So just let me talk to her one more time. Just give me one more chance.

Please.

I always thought you were too good for Ian.

Couldn't work out why you were with him, but now it makes sense.

Yeah, OK.

If you've got something to say, just say it.

What have YOU got to say, Denise?

"I'm sorry for kissing your boyfriend"?

"I'm sorry for sleeping with your boyfriend"?

OK, look, we were both single.

And as for the kiss, it was just a drunken mistake.

Keep making mistakes with Fats though, don't you?

-Oh, grow up, Poppy.

-Me grow up?

Look, you're lucky to have him. He's a decent bloke.

And so what? He's messed up, but when you do eventually grow up,

you'll realise that people do that occasionally.

Happily ever after, darling - it don't exist unless you work at it.

-No, you cheated with my boyfriend and now you're having a go at me?

-All right, OK. OK.

You can make this into something bigger and lose him

or you can deal with it like an adult.

Life ain't all fluffy and perfect.

And the sooner you realise that, darling...

..the better chance you stand of being happy.

-Quite a hottie, that Dexter, if you ask me.

-He's an idiot.

An idiot who did a pretty good job of looking after you earlier.

If he hadn't been there...

Excuse me, love, can I have a couple of teas and a two doughnuts, please?

-You have to order at the counter.

-I work here.

-So you know, then?

Then you'll know about the staff discount, won't you?

Otherwise, why else would I be here on my afternoon off?

To try it on? I'm Sonia, by the way. Carol's daughter.

I'm covering for her.

Stuck-up cow.

LOUD BEEPING

Oh, God, sorry.

SHE COUGHS

I know I like mine well done, but that's pushing it.

I don't know why I bother.

Oh, dear.

Have a nice relaxing afternoon, did you?

I went to get some bits for dinner but you've beaten me to it.

All on your own, were you?

You saw Masood?

He cut his finger. I cleaned it up.

He's in a bit of a state.

You don't stop caring for somebody just cos you've split up.

-Clearly.

-He's a mess. He's losing it.

If I'm honest, it's partly my fault.

-Carol, you've got enough on your plate without worrying about his problems.

-I'm fine.

No, you're not fine.

For once in your life, this is all about you, isn't it?

Let me look after you. Please.

-All over?

-Yes.

I know what she's asking is crazy.

It's because she's scared.

Shirley? Scared?

She's scared that she hasn't got nothing.

Dad's got into her nut, he's made her feel like an outsider,

made her feel like she's not wanted.

So we just hand our business over?

What's wrong with a bunch of flowers?

She's never really belonged, you know.

I don't want her to feel like that any more.

You're asking too much.

If you're not going to think of our family, fine.

But I am.

Please don't make me choose.

It shouldn't be a choice.

D'you know what?

All this...

none of it matters if you're not happy, L.

What you saying?

I'm saying we walk.

I'm saying we just... We can start again somewhere else.

We're good at that.

I will always choose you, L. Always.

DOOR CLOSES

I wanted to come and find you, but you said not to, so...

I know it's only your second favourite,

but they were out of choc-mint, so.

OK, right. Um...

I know you're the one that messed up...

..and this is going to take a bit of time.

But we can get through this.

Life ain't always perfect, is it?

You know, we've got to deal with this like grown-ups.

You know, relationships have got to be worked at.

-Yeah... Baby...

-No, wait. Just let me talk, OK?

I...

I want you to know that...

..however difficult this will be for me,

I will forgive you.

I'm not going to lie - it's not going to be easy -

but I reckon if we make a fresh start, move someplace else,

then we're going to be OK.

-Move?

-Yeah.

Yeah, to somewhere where there's no gossip, all right?

A new adventure for us.

You know, it's kind of exciting when you think about it.

No.

No what?

I'm sorry, Poppy, all right, but...

..I can't do this any more, babe.

PHONE CHIMES

Have you seen my dad?

Yeah, he's heading back to your place.

Cheers.

You cheated on me, all right? You're not allowed to dump me, Fats!

You're not allowed to...!

You know what? You're just upset, all right?

You're just upset because of what happened earlier, baby.

-No.

-I'll change, yeah? I'll stop being so bossy.

-I can, baby...

-No, baby, I don't want you to change, all right?

I don't want you to change. You...you are lovely, all right?

You are kind. You are considerate. You...

You are great.

It's just we're not.

No.

No!

Don't...

Please, OK, please...