02/06/2012 EastEnders Omnibus

Dad.

Dad!

-Dad!

-Shut up, will you?

-DAD!

-He's in bed.

No, he isn't.

I thought I heard him come in last night.

Well, he didn't wake me up. So where is he?

-Has he gone off with Mandy?

-Course not.

-Is this because you shouted at him?

-Don't be stupid.

He's probably just had an early start.

He'll be in the cafe taking his foul mood out on Marie.

Either that or he'll be on the stall.

He's most likely on the stall.

SHE GROANS

What's the matter with you?

I've got images of Ian Beale stuck in my head, going round on a loop.

You poor thing.

He still owes me a grand. And then there's Jean!

What about Jean?

She's late...

for a cleaning shift.

SHE SIGHS

Did you hear about Ian? Oh, hang on. Hang on, Alfie.

Alfie, I've got another call. Just wait there. Wait there.

Yes, Janine?

Oh, Alfie! Sorry. Sorry. I haven't done it. Wait there. Wait there.

She's actually just hung up on me.

Can you believe that?!

Why is your Uncle Derek just staring?

Don't know.

-Do you need some binoculars, Uncle Derek?

-Oi, watch it, you.

Joke.

Excuse my granddaughter.

She thinks insulting someone

then saying "joke" constitutes a sense of humour.

Joke.

-Kids, hey?

-Yeah.

Rude, selfish, inconsiderate

and a blight on society.

I take it Alice hasn't been in touch, then?

Did you call her?

Fat lot of good that'd do me, when she won't even pick up her phone.

Why'd she take off like that?

Don't know.

My guess is, somebody's been dripping poison about me.

Who?

Good question.

If she won't answer your calls...

why don't you write her a letter?

Last letter I wrote was in 1969.

Dear Aunt Bess. Thanks for the socks.

Derek.

I see.

Well, let's hope Alice took telepathy at school.

This is not a good start, Jean.

Yes, yes, Your Majesty.

-Excuse me?

-Nothing.

Sorry. I'm here.

All right, Jean?

Need to have a word.

-Is there a problem?

-No, no. It's the opposite.

-But not here, yeah. Come and see me at the gym?

-Yeah.

Actually, can I just call you back? Thanks. Michael?

Yeah?

-Not again?

-Not again what?

-You and jelly brains. Should I be worried?

Yeah, yeah. Sex is out of this world.

He didn't come in this morning.

But he wasn't on the stall. So where is he?

Well, it's obvious, isn't it? He'll be at the chippy.

How's your old man? Managed to find his trousers yet?

Just picking up the keys for the chippy. Ian's left them for me.

-He did what?!

-Said he was going on honeymoon and to open up.

Honeymoon?!

Yeah, so if you've got a problem, take it up with him, yeah?

Dad's on honeymoon?

Yeah, of course he is. That's why I couldn't get in touch with him.

There's not going to be any reception on a boat, is there?

I should have known Dad wouldn't let an expensive holiday go to waste.

-Do I still have to go to school?

-Don't push it.

Andrew? Andrew!

So good to see you. Boy, what you doing back here?

Sorry, if it's your mum you're looking for...

-Mum? No, I don't want to see her.

-What I was going to say...

is that she's gone out for the day. I've just seen her leave.

So if you're not back to see your mum, why are you here?

I don't know.

I was on the Tube...

Uh-huh.

Heather's headstone...

They put it up yesterday

so I was...

I was on my way to take these.

And then the train stopped...

..but I didn't move.

I just sat there.

And the doors was closing...

and the announcer was saying,

"Next stop, Walford East."

I suppose...

here I am, then.

Hey, come and have a drink?

Come on!

It's all right. The drink is on me.

So, how've you been keeping, brother?

I have, like, good days and bad days, you know.

Well, when you have bad days, you take a deep breath.

-Beale?

-Oi!

-Where's your dad?

-Excuse me, this is my house.

-Yeah, I need to see him. Is he in?

-No.

-Where is he?

Right about now, I'd say he's in the middle of the ocean somewhere.

He's gone off on his honeymoon. OK?

What do you want?

Your dad's OK, then.

And we're all right, aren't we?

Come on. You've had a terrible shock, I get it.

Talk to me, cos that's what I'm here for.

Listen, anything that your dad's done, my dad's topped. I promise.

Oh, that's right, Lauren. Make it all about you, as always.

Maybe you should you be celebrating?

Oh, yeah. My dad's been humiliated, again.

Whoop-de-doo.

Yeah, but Mandy's gone. It's what you wanted.

Spent long enough devising plans to get rid.

Remember when you were texting that L Stephens

and then her hag of a mother turns up?

It's not that funny to mock the dead.

Just lighten up, Lucy.

Don't you see what this is?

This is what they call a golden opportunity.

How so?

The wicked witch has flown off on her broomstick

and if I hear you correctly, Lucy, then you have a free house.

Why don't I scour the streets, round up a few fitties, hey?

Maybe.

Right, so we're cool then, yeah?

What gives you that idea?

Well, this. The party.

Yeah...

Shame...

cos you're not invited.

DOOR SLAMS

Are you sure?

That's what she said.

Are you worried?

Well, it's better than him hanging round Walford nick.

You don't sound convinced.

Ian's unpredictable at the best of times but...

I've never seen him like this before.

-What d'you mean?

-Just stay close to blondie.

If he's going to contact anyone, it'll be her.

Michael.

Is my money OK?

OK? That's one word for it!

Another word...is booming.

-Really?

-Yeah!

Yeah, we're looking at 40% returns, Jean.

You know what that means? That means in a couple of weeks,

we can start withdrawing funds.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Yeah. Yeah, it's great. So, you know, all this...

cleaning for Janine malarkey, you don't need to bother.

Well, I have to earn a living in the meantime.

I don't think you understand, Jean.

We keep on the way we are,

you won't have to do another dogsbody job in your life.

In that case...

I want to invest more.

More?

£10,000.

-That's a lot of money, Jean.

-I know!

Strictly speaking, it's not my money.

It's the government's. Well, it's the Vic's VAT money.

But it's sitting in a piddly little account,

-not earning any interest.

-You need to slow down, Jean.

Slow down?! It's wasteful.

Especially when the Vic's barely breaking even. I mean...

if the investment is doing as well as you say it is,

-why not invest it?

-I don't know. I don't know.

Why not?

If it's VAT money, it needs to be paid back in June.

Two weeks, you said.

40%!

Unless you're not being straight with me...

No, no. Course I'm being straight with you, Jean.

It's just that I don't know if I can add to the investment right now.

I can get you cash by the end of the day.

Can you?

I tell you what...

let me look into it.

Oh. I nearly forgot.

I've bought you a little thank you something.

Don't open it now cos I'll get embarrassed.

I'll just, um, put it...

..there.

So tell me, man. What have you been doing with yourself

in sunny Southend?

Nothing really. Just...

keeping my head down.

Hey, man. The flowers look beautiful, you know.

Was planning on paying a visit myself during the week.

Oh, Trace. Um...

Whisky, and the usual for me, please.

Oh, and some crisps. What flavours do you have?

Cheese and onion, salt and vinegar...

I tell you what, let me have a look at the menu.

OK. You feeling a bit peckish, Andrew?

Ooh!

Derek, the point of the game ain't to take holes out the wall.

-Re-match? Round the clock.

-Gym ain't going to run itself.

All right. Go on. One more.

Thing that gets me is that brother of ours.

Here's me and you, gorgeous specimens of mankind...

..lustrous thick hair, dark brooding looks.

And there's him, bald and ugly

with three kids all living under the same roof.

I mean, how does that work, hey?

You ever asked yourself why he's bald? Eh?

Something to be said for not living with your kids, innit? Look at that.

Get in there.

Stop feeling sorry for him, Mum.

The man has spent the last 18 years

-not even thinking about his daughter.

-How do you know?

Just cos he's getting on a bit,

doesn't suddenly make him father material.

Anyway, the person we need to feel sorry for is Ian.

I don't know how you come back from something like that.

He'll probably have another dolly bird on his arm this time next week.

The point is, every man has a right to know their children.

Why? Cos they provided a bit of DNA?

That is not what being a dad's about.

You really hate him, don't you?

Yeah.

Ask me, Alice is better off without him.

Give him five minutes, he'll have moved onto something else.

-Something illegal most likely.

-It was you, wasn't it?

You warned Alice off.

What if I did?

Oh, hey, guys. Party of the year at mine.

-Are you going?

-Apparently not, no.

What's it in aid of, then?

Mandy's exorcism party.

Marie, can I have a cup of tea, please?

-Er, Janine. There is a queue?

-Er, I'm pregnant.

So have you got your dad's blessing for a booze-up, have you?

No, but seeing as he selfishly decided to take off,

-don't think it matters, does it?

-Take off?

Yeah. Honeymoon for one.

But in the meantime, I'm going to enjoy myself.

So, what did you say to him?

Nothing. Nothing at all. Didn't get a chance before he ran off.

So, what's the plan?

Are we just going to shout his name like a lost dog?

Come on. He can't be that hard to find.

You do realise this city we live in, yeah? It's called the capital.

It's big, like well big.

There he is.

Well, unless Andrew is a shape shifter,

I'd say that your eyes were playing tricks on you, Patrick.

Hey. Andrew.

Well, it's not my usual tipple, but why not?

You don't mind do you?

Come on, shufty up.

Jean.

Oh! You frightened the life out of me.

We need to be quick. It's about your investment.

-Great cos I've managed to get the money out. It's over at the Vic...

-No, no, no.

I can't let you do it, Jean. We've got to be sensible about this.

I don't want you to do it until we see another significant return.

It's the chain, isn't it? I overstepped the mark.

No, it's not about the chain.

The chain's lovely. It's nothing personal, Jean.

Just need to give it a couple of weeks.

-Whatever you think best, Michael.

-You've just got to trust me.

Oh, sorry.

Were you two having a moment because

-I can always leave you to it?

-Don't be silly, Janine.

What?! You know she's got a crush on you and you're encouraging it!

-I do not have a crush.

-Oh, come on, Jean.

We all know what your obsessions are like. You practically stalked

my Uncle Norman and then Michael's dad and now you're pitching in for the younger model.

-How dare you.

-That's out of order. You've got to apologise.

-I beg your pardon?!

-I'm

-out of order?

-Just say sorry.

-You don't need to defend me.

Why are you taking her side?

Please don't tell me you've suddenly taken a shine for crazy people?

What?!

Come on. What did I say?

It was a joke.

What?

I think you know.

So the thing is, Andrew, I'm sorry.

I should never have believed that you were capable of doing

something like that to Heather.

You weren't the only one.

Yeah. Sorry for them as well.

I mean, it's just that...

we all wanted answers so badly.

It's OK. I want them too.

All right! Easy. Easy. Woman-shaped human to your left, yeah?

-Where're you going?

-I've got to see her.

I mean, a letter! Who does she think I am?

Can you imagine me getting all Dear Deidre?

Best I could manage was a birthday card to Joey

and look where that got me.

So, what? You're just going to leave it then?

-I've tried, Jack. I've tried.

-Oh, yeah. Course you have(!)

Anyway, what's a few words on a piece of paper going to do, eh?

-And what would I say? I'm sorry...

-I don't know.

..that I didn't know how to be a dad,

that I did think about her every day of her life...

what it would be like...

I mean, she's my flesh and blood, Jack.

She's a part of me.

You know how I feel about family.

But I'm not one of them men who could do a weekend here

and a weekend there.

Besides, their mother wouldn't have let me.

What are you doing?!

See this? Paper, yeah?

And this is what they call a pen.

You write letters with it.

Just get on with it, will ya?

Let me past, please.

He thinks you're idiotic, you know.

He even does impressions of you at home. Sausage surprise!

It's hilarious.

-I don't believe you.

-Why's that?

Because you're friends?

Yes, actually. I listen to him because that's what friends do.

Yes, yes, Jean. You and your imaginary conversations.

You do realise it takes two people in order for it to be real, right?

I know when feelings are real

and I know my heart isn't empty.

Ouch, you're really touching a nerve there.

In fact, I think I might cry.

Where are your family, Janine?

Where your friends?

The people who stick up for you when things go wrong?

Stacey always had friends.

Loads and loads of them,

always there, ready to help her, support her.

She was so loved around here. On her wedding day,

that church was jam full of friends and family...

Not forgetting her father-in-law...

Oh, I'm not saying she's perfect.

She's human.

And she'll never be like you...

hated and alone.

I have got Michael

and a baby on the way in case you hadn't noticed.

You can't force a child to love you, Janine.

And Michael...

..you know you're just using him.

Right, yeah, cos I really need his money.

You know,

we had a good long chat the other day

about faith.

Faith?!

That St Christopher that he carries around with him everywhere...

..do you know who gave it to him?

You don't, do you?

That's because he doesn't trust you enough to tell you.

So what does that say about your relationship?

It says you're lying.

His mother gave it to him, that's who.

The day that she committed suicide the light went out in him.

Now, I think deep down he is a good man,

but he's too good for you, Janine, because you're nothing but darkness

and you'll never know the real Michael.

-Who are all these people?

-Tyler, I ain't got a clue.

I only came here cos Lauren wanted me to watch out for her.

What's happening, Luce?

I don't recognise anyone. Do you know 'em all, do you?

Not yet.

Luce, when's your dad coming back?

Another week. And when he gets back, I'm going to make sure

there's not a single trace of that money-grabbing cow in this house.

So if you see anything that looks like it might have belonged to Mandy,

put it in here.

What is going on with Jean?

Nothing.

It's stupid. You've wound yourself up.

I feel sorry for her.

So sorry for her that you pour your heart out?

-Excuse me?

-She told me all about your mum struggling

with her faith and how you carry round that stupid St Christopher

because she gave it to you.

Come on, she is talking rubbish, right?

You know, making it all up?

Oh, talk to me, Michael!

Course she is. Course she's making it up.

She's just a sad, delusional, little woman.

Why would she say that?

To get you to react like this. Come here.

Come on.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

I know I shouldn't let her get to me, I just...

I thought maybe she might be right.

About what?

Nothing.

It's stupid. Nothing.

-You can talk to me though, yeah?

-Yeah. Course.

OK.

Look, look. It's rubbish. I'm not even going to send it.

Yes, you are.

May not be the greatest piece of literature I've ever read,

but it's honest

-and that's what's going to make your daughter listen.

-Really?

Really.

Going to join us, Tan?

Oh, um...

I was going to meet Max for a drink.

I see.

Company not up to your standards?

No, I just don't want to interrupt, that's all.

You look like you're having a good chat.

What's her problem?

Why do you keep avoiding me, Tan?

-I'm not.

-Yes, you are.

What's Mum said to you?

Nothing.

Oh, I get it.

It was you, weren't it?

You scared Alice off.

No, Derek.

You did that yourself. I just told her the truth.

What did you say?

Just told her a couple of facts. Do you know what they are?

-Statements that actually mean the truth.

-Like?

Like the man you really are.

Derek!

No, no. Lucy, I don't think you should do that in here, babe.

Matches, that's what I need.

Are you OK?

Everyone get out. Now! You all need to leave. Go!

-Come on. We just got here, Luce.

-Let's just go.

-No. You sure you're OK?

-Just get out! Go.

Leave me alone!

Stupid, stupid, silly woman.

Bought the biggest bunch I could find.

Didn't know the names...

..so I just said to the woman...

"Make sure you put lots of pink ones in there...

"..pink's her favourite colour."

"Cheery," she said.

"Who's the lucky lady?"

"My fiancee," I said.

Got a bit lost on the way.

Ended up at the launderette, of all places.

I guess...

..I wasn't quite ready for this yet.

Love you, Heather...

..and I always will.

Look, you're welcome to come and stay with us, you know.

Don't want to see Mum.

You can't put it off for ever.

Come on.

Don't think I can live without her, Patrick.

The Lord giveth and he taketh away.

And the worst feeling

is knowing that people are laughing at you behind your back.

-I was angry, Jean.

-You think I'm a sad, delusional, little woman.

-No, I don't.

-Then why did you say it?

To hurt you.

You told Janine about my mother.

Telling you that...

That's a big deal for me.

I didn't intend to break your confidence, Michael.

Janine cornered me...

and she just kept...

..picking, picking

and she wouldn't leave me be.

I know.

I'm sorry. She can be cruel.

You're too good for her.

The chain I gave you... Did you like it?

Very much.

Can't just keep it in your pocket, silly.

So, are we friends?

On one condition...

You let me invest the VAT money.

He's in debt.

He's up to his eyes and he's been bottling it up.

Now he's just vanished, he's just disappeared

and he hasn't even told me.

I thought Ian was on his honeymoon?

He's having a breakdown, isn't he?

He's losing it and I can't help him

cos I don't know where the hell he is.

Thank you, Michael.

You're very welcome, Jean.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

RINGING STOPS

MOBILE RINGS AGAIN

Shirley's out. Forget about your exam. Tell me what's happened.

PHONE CONTINUES TO RING

Why aren't you taking Lucy's calls, eh?

I'll ask her myself if you want.

No, no!

Lucy's found Ian's passport, all right? He's not on his honeymoon.

He could be anywhere.

Has she gone to the police?

She hadn't last night.

Last night! Ian's gone AWOL. Look, the police

could be sniffing around. I can't help unless you tell me what's going on.

Where are you going? I haven't seen you for weeks.

-You're not going to go back to Southend without saying goodbye to your mum?

-Nah. Course not.

Oh, great! We can spend the day together. Shopping?

Or whatever you fancy?

I've got plans... I'm seeing some mates.

I'll try and catch you later, yeah.

If you see him,

just give me a shout, yeah?

KNOCK AT DOOR

Um... Ben's told me about Ian.

He's fine. He's on his honeymoon.

I've got an exam and Bobby to get to school.

I know he's not on his honeymoon.

What do you want?

Ben's worried that...

Well, that Jane'll take Bobby back if she hears about this. You ain't told the police, have you?

Well, keep it that way.

And you should open up the caff,

-cos if people think that you can't cope, they'll...

-It's Marie's day off.

By the way, when you got in last night, did you spill gravy

or something on that rug?

Oh, did I? I'm sorry, Whit.

Tanya's sorry about what happened at the Vic last night.

What do you want, Cora?

The charity shop door's a bit stiff.

Well, as much as that makes my blood run cold...

Nah, nah, I've got business this morning.

This afternoon's fine.

Ben, pick up your phone and get round to Lucy's.

She's not going to the police but just keep an eye on her, yeah?

She was right, isn't she? Your mum's faith,

it does mean something to you?

Yeah, yeah.

Cos she can read me like a book. She knows me so well.

You still wear the St Christopher she gave you round your neck.

And I can read you too.

I want to give you a church wedding.

I don't want you to do anything that you don't believe in.

Here you are. Let me be a gent.

Where are you going? Charity shop?

Zainab's tat doesn't get any lighter.

You know, my nan collects lions.

Can I give you a quid for 'em?

-I don't feel well.

-I've got to get cover for Marie and I've got to get to my exam.

-Can you please just try and stick it out?

-Then can I call Mum?

DOOR SHUTS

Oh, dear. Your dad hasn't returned my calls.

I need a number for where he's honeymooning.

Well, it's a ship. There's no reception.

Well, he owes me £1,000.

Yeah, I know.

Before he got on the ship, he said that there'll be a delay on the transfer because he's abroad.

Right. Well, you'll need to find a way of getting in contact with him.

-I want it today.

-Sure.

I think I'm going to be sick.

Only me! I forgot the keys to the salon, again!

-Oh, hello, Mum.

-I was just going.

-You must have only just got here. Don't you want a cup of tea?

-No.

What's this fleeting visit in aid of?

I popped in to see Lauren. I don't want a cup of tea. Is that a crime?

No. All right, secret squirrel, see you later.

Right, when you do decide to get dressed, you can do the big shop for me, please.

I can't this morning.

Why not?

-Maybe he did have plans with friends?

-I'd be very happy if that was true,

but what friends has he got round here?

He'll spend all day moping in his room, he'll say goodbye

and then we'll both act as if everything's OK.

Mum! Mum, wait! Mum, wait.

What's all this about you asking Lauren to speak to Alice?

I don't want my girls being caught up in this car crash.

We're talking about a bloke who squared up to me in the pub.

-I know. He was in the wrong, not you.

-I just can't get my head around it.

I would never help a man who done that to one of my girls.

You think I wouldn't deal with anyone who really meant you harm?

Do you? Don't take any notice of Derek. It's the hurt talking.

-Aren't you going round to help Lucy?

-No.

What's happened now? Come on. Tell me.

I've been wanting to tell you for ages, all right...

-but Ian knows, all right? I told him everything.

-What did he say?

-Nothing.

-When?

-It was a while ago.

Oh, my God. I'm going to go to prison.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Ben, I'm going to go to prison!

-Jay, just shut up, will you?

-Why did you tell him?

-I don't know.

-What do you mean, you don't know?

I just needed someone to talk to, all right?

Who have I got to talk to?

I can see you through the window.

Deal with her, will you? Cos I can't.

Sorry, I was just upstairs. And my phone's been off all day.

-Yeah, you're meant to be helping me.

-Yeah, I know. I'm just a bit worried about Ian.

You are? I can't do this on my own.

-I've got an exam and the caff to open.

-I know. Look, I'm going to help you.

Right, well, look after Bobby. And ring everyone in Dad's address book - see if they've seen him.

And be subtle - don't let them know.

Well, I can't right now.

If you want to help, help!

Cafe open for business yet?

Didn't look like it.

I hear Ian's crying like a kitten. So sad.

Were the charity shop happy with my offerings?

They're lighting candles and saying, "Thank you for Zainab."

Even without the lions.

Present from Masood's boss. So vile.

Why? What happened to them?

Tyler Moon gave me a quid for 'em.

Christian, if you're back, would you be able to cover me at the caff?

Dad's on his honeymoon and I've got an exam.

Ian not up to it today, love?

He's on his honeymoon.

-What, by himself?

-Yep. Cruise around Asia.

-Can I have a cuppa tea, please?

-OK.

Ian, honeymooning with himself. At least it's with someone he loves!

Thank you.

-Your dad's all right, you know.

-For a criminal.

Don't think he'll be this big thug with you.

He's all about the family. He's one step below incest.

Did he ask you to call me?

No. No, he didn't set this up, I swear.

He's just round the corner?

I'm not really bothered about seeing him.

You must want to. Like, a little bit?

I wanted to see you.

I'm surprised you didn't hang up.

My family were a right freak show that night.

I'm just really excited you wanted to hang out.

£200! Oh, Moon!

Aha!

Oh. I haven't been to church in years.

That's cos I'm not a hypocrite.

You promised to give me the wedding that I always wanted, so, actually, you are.

OK, so this is about what you really want, is it?

No!

OK, maybe.

Why shouldn't I want a church wedding?

I studied intensively for two years to convert to Judaism.

And it just goes to show that I believe in something up there.

I dunno, loved ones looking down on us. Or whatever.

And I think it's great that you've got Ricky and the kids to be there, I do.

But Pat, and my grandma, they're buried there at that church.

And I'd quite like to feel close to them.

Where does it say in the Bible

that Janine shalt not explore her spiritual side, anyway?

That's why I've got you to come here, cos I've got Reverend Stevens coming over.

Do you want a hand with that?

No, thanks.

You know, it was only yesterday

when I saw those lions just staring at me, Anthony...

-Tyler.

-Tyler.

And it brought back all the memories of when my mother gave them to me,

on her deathbed.

And I thought, it was a moment of madness when I gave them away,

and I so desperately would like to have them back.

Finders keepers, I'm afraid.

Lucy, a polystyrene cup is what the devil drinks from!

It's not like Ian to let standards slip like this.

I do hope he's OK?

-He's fine.

-When's he back from honeymoon?

-Next week.

-I've called the bank. There's no transaction pending from Ian.

-Can we go somewhere in private?

I want the first cash instalment today, otherwise I'm going

to send the bailiffs over.

Here you are. And you'll get the rest.

Phil's magic pocket.

I'll pay you back. I will.

Fine.

People are talking. I might as well go to police.

What, and have Jane take Bobby, eh?

Let me take a look at this, yeah?

Even gentle giants need their mums, don't they?

All right, Mum?

Hello, Alice. You all right?

-Good, thanks.

-You seen Derek?

I'm just hanging out with Lauren today.

I didn't want to go without saying hi to you.

All right. Well, I'm glad you popped in.

So...bus stop, yeah?

Yeah... it was lovely seeing you Tanya.

Yeah. And you, darling. Take care. Bye.

Get outta my way!

Andrew! Andrew! Hey, what's going on?

Tyler Moon needs a lesson in respecting people's memories.

-And I'm going to give it to him.

-No, no! You can't just throw your fists around.

You're just out on bail. Come on, all right.

There you go. Just needed a drop of oil.

The thing's going to fall off.

Well, one day it will, Cora.

But the man who'll fix it hasn't been born yet.

-Where are you going?

-Dagenham. Unless that door flies off and crushes me first.

Alice might come by later.

There we go.

You know, I still don't buy the whole Mister Nice Guy act.

Whatever I think of Ian, he's still Ben's brother, ain't he?

Just don't slam it so hard next time, yeah?

Don't suppose you can magic me to my exam?

No. But I can help you find your dad.

Give me some bank account details, yeah?

Then I can get into his account. If he draws out any cash, I'll know where he is, all right?

Cavalry has arrived.

Thank you so much. You're amazing!

I know. So come on, then, world's hottest bridesmaid.

-How was it?

-I'm sorry, I've got to get to my exam.

-But I'll tell you about it later.

-All right, then. See you, sweet.

See ya.

-Where do you think Dad is?

-I don't know.

Yeah, but where do you THINK he is?

-Are you worried Dad's dead?

-No. No, course not.

Then where do you think he is?

Ben!

Bobby, I don't know, all right?

Those lions are what Mrs Masood's mum left her on her deathbed.

And that Tyler Moon won't give 'em back, just so he can make a few bob.

How can people not care?

Andrew, it's not worth upsetting yourself over. Come on, let's go down to the Vic.

Wow, your mum's bought you a cake.

You're quite right, darling. People should care.

-But they don't, do they?

-So what can you do about it? You going to sit there moaning, or set an example?

Find Tyler and get the lions back.

I don't think that's a good idea.

My son has got brains as well as brawn.

Mum. This getting Lauren to befriend Alice is just plain mean.

-The poor girl's being led on and I'm not...

-Alice is here? Now?

Oh, you are kidding me? What is your obsession with the man?

Is she here?

She was here, Derek, and now she's gone.

She didn't want to see you.

I'm sorry I got your hopes up.

I've got no money, but I'll pay you back.

Please, my exam's starting now!

Sorry.

Where's Bobby?

Upstairs.

Just tell me again. Word for word, what Ian knows.

-We'll talk later.

-No. We'll talk about it now.

I've already told you. Ian knows the lot. It's done.

So does Phil know that you told Ian?

Yeah.

Yes, he does or no, he doesn't?

Look, he got it out of me, all right?

Phil's going to go after Ian.

Don't be stupid.

Oh, my God. Phil's going to kill Ian! He might have already done it!

Ben, I'm talking to you. Where is Ian?

And don't tell me he's safe, cos I know full well that he's not.

I don't know where! All I know is, Dad ain't got nothing to do with it.

What is the matter with you? Ian's your brother!

-You're just going to stand there and let this all happen?

-Yeah, and Phil's my dad!

Do you really think he'd do that after everything that's happened?

Can I help you?

I'm a reasonable man. I'm here to appeal to your conscience.

Now, Mrs Masood's lions?

The lions her mum gave her on her deathbed?

I hardly think it's a laughing matter, do you?

-Andrew, Andrew. Reasonable.

-If I was to smash this shop up and your face, would you laugh?

Distract. Distract.

HE COUGHS AND GASPS

Patrick? No! No!

Oh.

-It's a miracle.

-First aid's in a doorman's blood.

-You all right, Paddy?

-Just give the man the lions.

Doesn't a hero deserve them after saving my life?

My son. My hero!

Hello. I've had a word with your nan. I told her,

you shouldn't have to pretend to be mates with the poor girl...

Hello.

Sorry.

-She won't go.

-Well, you've made your bed.

No. Mum, she seriously will not go.

"Dear Mr West, MP, I am writing to warn you about a local business,

"merciless in their exploitation of charitable giving."

KNOCK AT DOOR

So you'll be giving the lions to the charity shop, then?

You won't be selling them online for megabucks?

I heard your story. About your mother.

I know how important memories can be when you lose someone you love.

Why, that's very touching, thank you.

Erm, would you like to stay for a cup of tea?

Some other time would be smashing.

I can see the lions back where they belong.

Pride of place in your home. Have a nice day.

Your nan's here.

Jane's been on the phone.

Is everything all right with Lucy and Bobby?

I dunno.

Your dad would love to see you again.

Maybe some other time.

Alice, you didn't come all this way to watch the telly.

He's done some...stuff.

I don't think the bad things Derek's done is what's stopping you from meeting him.

Don't think because he hasn't been there, he didn't feel...your loss.

He did - every day.

I wouldn't send you over there if I didn't believe that.

Why aren't you in your exam?

Because your sister's a genius and she finished it in five minutes.

Bobby, go watch some telly.

You can't go off the radar on me again.

I need your help.

Yeah, I know... I'm just a bit...

I know you're as scared as me.

We'll find Dad and we'll get through this. I promise.

Don't worry.

Look, Luce, um... I don't know how to say this.

What?

Just call the police. All right?

DOOR SHUTS

Is Ben picking up your calls?

Ian wouldn't grass on him, would he?

Ben told ya?

Get out there and find him, yeah?

And tell him to make sure that he's got Lucy on side.

We've all got to chip in, otherwise we're going to get mice.

Where is it? Oh, look. Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, I've done my time, love - that needs a woman's touch.

Why don't you get a cleaner, eh?

The church is our cornerstone.

Well, we don't really go to church.

This isn't a pasta lunch.

But, I dunno, there's something about the church that makes me

feel quite safe.

-The doors are open to you.

-Would there be any way,

Father, of combining the service with the Jewish tradition?

Is this a dual faith marriage?

Well, Janine's Jewish. So would that be problematic?

-Not at all.

-Good. Because, I know you were raised Christian, Janine.

But you had to convert, didn't you, for the other geezer?

You've been married before?

Yeah. But as far as we're concerned, Father, the first three don't count.

My last husband, he cheated.

And he actually wanted the divorce, it wasn't me.

And the other two marriages?

I was young. And I never actually divorced either of them.

They died.

I'm so sorry. To lose one takes a lifetime to get over.

But two? That must've been very hard.

I'm not sure I married either of them for the right reason.

Is there any part of you that sees the Church as a home?

Because I can help you.

Thank you.

Perhaps you'd like to enrol in our Widow to Wife programme?

Couples find the programme can really help them

deal with unexplored emotions about departed loved ones.

Janine, I know that you've been bottling up a lot of pain

over Barry and the other one?

That's hilarious, Michael.

I'm really sorry, but I don't think a church wedding is for me.

Hands up. I was only doing this to make him happy.

Fair enough.

Sorry.

Excuse me.

Come on. You can't leave her sitting in there. Go in and talk to her.

Right. Biscuits. Right, OK, thank you.

Here we go...

Summer fruits. Nothing but the best.

Is it too weak? Too strong?

It's just right.

Good.

So, how's the world of recruitment, then?

You all right? You OK?

You all right, Alice? Alice? Have a drink.

Better?

Sorry.

Choked to death in the space of a minute, eh?

How would that look?

Sorry.

No, no.

So, recruitment, eh? Must make you some kind of whizz kid.

I got a B in Business Studies GCSE.

B in Business Studies! Does that make you the boss?

No, it's admin support, really.

But my line manager says she'll put me up for accounts training.

Accounts. I shall have to start calling you "Numbers".

Wow. Straight A student.

I got a B.

No, I...I just...

So... what do you do?

Me? Work? Retail.

It's pretty boring, really.

And you live here?

Yeah.

Who are your housemates?

Oh, they're not...

This is just temporary.

Where do you usually live?

Around here...

It's complicated, Alice.

Tanya filled me in on some... stuff about you.

About what you've done.

Oh, did she?

You don't want to ever listen to what that woman says, Alice.

She's demented. And she's got a very nasty streak.

I'll get you a plate.

I'm sorry.

No, no, no, sweetheart. Don't you...

I'll be a tick. I'll just get you...

-I've just remembered I've got to be somewhere.

-Oh, right.

Thank you for having me.

My pleasure! I'll get the...

DOOR OPENS

Hello?

Hello, Lucy, love. Look,

I'm sure everything's fine but Jane's been worried.

She's been trying to reach you.

Yeah, I've just been a little bit busy.

Right. You'd say if there was a problem?

-There isn't.

-No. I know.

Just give her a quick call, yeah? Or she'll be on the next train down!

She is Bobby's mum.

DOOR SHUTS

Here he is. My son the hero.

Helping his neighbours out and saving our dear Patrick's life.

Well done, mate!

APPLAUSE

Stop. It's too much.

Stay for a few more days? Eh?

Just till Patrick's out of the woods, eh?

I don't really want to talk about it.

Derek's not much of a talker.

Read this.

Have a think about it.

She did come to see me, didn't she, Tanya?

You spread your poison, you stick the knife in one more time...

..and you're a dead woman.

Oi!

I told Lucy to call the police.

What?! What is the matter with you? Eh?

Have you killed Ian?

-No.

-Are you going to?

I mean, Dad, what if he can't keep his mouth shut?

Promise me you ain't going to hurt him, all right? He's my brother!

I would do anything to protect you. Yeah? Anything.

Whether you like it or not.

DOORBELL RINGS

I don't want the police.

Dad's private accounts.

Find him.

Eh, we need to get this place tidy for tomorrow, yeah?

Remember, it's the grand opening of my Olympic themed B&B, yeah?

Now listen, I've done the marketing with the local environs,

so will I be checking up on you?

You bet your life I will be. Now come on. Chop chop.

Let's get busy.

Here he is!

Superhero. The Heimlich Man.

And...!

And...!

I mean, look at the workmanship on that, eh? What a good job.

-Is the ink still wet, is it?

-Bill, these will pass any test.

-Del, I've got...

-All you got to do is go in the shop, buy something for a couple of quid.

Del, I've got other things I should be doing.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Right, as soon as they've put the 20 in the till

and given you your change, you're out of there, OK?

-Why is it always me?

-Oh, what? What?

By that do you mean, why is it always me,

giving you a chance to earn a few quid?

Look, I only want a tenner back for every twenty.

Yeah?

Yeah.

So, Grandad, get yourself down that baby shop

and buy yourself a load of nappies or whatever it is you need. Hmm?

-All right. I'll give it a go.

-Good.

But if I get any funny looks, or they try and put it under

one of them lamp things, I'm out of there, all right?

Yeah, course. Course.

I mean, you don't want to get nicked for a couple of quid, do you?

All right, Del, I'll see you later.

Cor, this is a nice surprise. What are you doing here?

I got to thinking about how we don't know each other.

And...

..I read this.

It's nice, what you said in it.

Yeah?

How did you...?

Cora.

Yeah. So...here I am.

But I'm not stupid, I'm not hanging around if you're a mess up.

You've got to go straight from now on.

I will never break the law again.

I won't even ride my bike without the lights on, eh?

SHE GIGGLES

Right, well,

I've got another day off work, so where do we start?

Well, I tell you what,

why don't I give you a tour of the sights and sounds, eh?

Show you where your old man hangs out?

OK.

You look very nice today.

Thanks.

You know, I was wondering what I was going to do for the rest of the day.

If I'm not here when you get back, I'll be in the cafe.

-I know.

-And you're OK walking to the bus stop on your own?

Yeah, everybody else does.

All right. See you later. Have a good day.

No need to panic. I wasn't going to kiss you!

EMAIL ALERT

I've got ten minutes for a cup of tea, anyone want to join me?

I can't, I've got a shift at the Minute Mart

when Kamil goes to nursery.

What have you done to the sofa?

How many times have we told him, "Don't jump on the furniture"?

There was a big bang, now there's a big lump in it.

No, there's not. I got up hours ago.

How you'll sleep, I don't know.

Well, maybe we should give the sofa a rest.

It might be a sign it's time to return to proper family life.

Or maybe we could get a new sofa.

Yeah.

Wouldn't it be nice if, when something broke,

-we didn't have to save for years to get a new one?

-Years?

A couple of months maybe.

Don't be ridiculous, we work so hard,

can't they see you're management material?

Yeah, there's not that many openings for managers.

There must be something.

Go and ask, you know, if you can get a promotion.

Yeah, I will. I know. I...

There's more to life than money, you know.

I hate when you say that. I really hate it.

Why can't you have some gumption?

-What?

-Some ambition.

I said I will, didn't I? I'll speak to my manager.

Anything for a quiet life, eh? Eh, boy?

Right, tea.

I know where he is! He's used his card so he must be OK.

Where is he, then?

A hotel in Rochester. I mean, that's not far away, is it?

I don't know, an hour? Maybe a bit longer.

Why is he there? I mean, who does he know...

But that's just it!

He doesn't want to run into anyone he knows, he's running away!

There you are, I told you he'd surface sooner or later.

And here's me, going through all this paperwork half the night.

Let's get over there.

We don't need us all to go. Me and Ben could go.

-Well, you and Ben can't drive, can you?

-No, but we can...

So we'll get over there together and bring your dad back

where he belongs.

It'll be all right.

He's not going to hurt my dad, is he?

No, no, course he ain't.

He just wants to get my brother back, all right. You'll see.

Oi, I was calling you down the market

and you just hightailed it out of there.

-I didn't hear you. Sorry.

-You heard me.

Anyway, listen, I need you round the B&B.

Yeah, I'm busy, I've got to pick some stuff up for my mum.

Look, 12 o'clock, drag your bones round to mine.

The press are coming to speak to you about your superhuman hero stuff.

-What?

-Come on, wake up.

They want to talk to you about saving Patrick.

I'm not really comfortable with that, Kim.

Well, get very comfortable with it, Andy, cos this is publicity

and that's what my business needs, all right.

12 o'clock - don't be late, yeah? All right.

-You got the address?

-Yeah, here.

I'll put it in the sat-nav.

Where are you lot going? A ride in the new motor?

-I've got a job.

-What, all of you?

Yeah, pricing a motor.

Ben thought Lucy was a bit lost so...

And you arguing with some punter's going to help, is it?

-Take her mind off her dad.

-What's the panic?

I said we'd be there half an hour ago.

-Do you mind if we get going?

-You not worried about the caff?

The caff will take care of itself. ..Luce, get in the car, yeah?

Phil, why was my dad so angry with you, before he left?

He weren't thinking straight, was he?

He said you sent Mandy away...

Well, he said lots of things.

Got himself into a right state, didn't he?

You shouldn't come into the hotel and yell at him.

Look, Lucy, it'll be all right. Don't worry.

I ain't going to yell at him, all right? I'm just trying to help.

ENGINE STARTS

We'll do everything cutting edge.

Cutting-edge bacon for a cutting-edge breakfast for cutting-edge tea.

Yes, yes, yes, you said. Why is that picture veiled?

Ah! Wouldn't you like to know?

Not really. How many threads in this sheet?

-What?

-They feel very rough to me.

If it's cotton should it should have

a minimum count of 400 threads.

What? They've got thousands of threads in there!

Right, that's the sideboard in the blue bedroom.

Now what have I got to do? I've got to do the wardrobe in...

Ooh, Zainab, what are you doing here? Day off?

No, I'm just going in.

Sheets ain't got any threads in 'em apparently.

They're fine.

What? Fine as in they'll do or fine as in smooth and silky?

If she's going off into one, you know, somebody had better hurry...

OK, Z, we are a B&B, we are not a five star hotel.

Six stars and rising, yeah?

And you said that money had no strings attached.

I didn't think you'd be poking your nose in.

-I'm just taking an interest.

-Yes, of course you are.

So what's it like being back in here by the way? Are you all right?

Why wouldn't I be? It's just a house.

I'm not exactly superstitious.

Good. Oh, Kim, someone called for you. What's his name?

Trevor Brains?

Ah. The great British press. Yes, yes.

Are they covering the opening?

Yeah. A new local entrepen.. entrepen...businesswoman.

And her partners. Why not? Who wouldn't be interested?

It's not exactly news.

No, but Andrew is. And how he saved Patrick's life.

Kim!

He's a suspected murderer.

Was! He was! The police let him go, remember?

Oh, right, that's a great image for us, isn't it?

Why don't you just rename the place,

you know, make a big sign... Bates Motel.

You know nothing about marketing, you two.

I have got the press right here, in my hand.

And they are working for moi.

Lovely, thank you. That's all.

That should keep you going a few days.

-Thank you, Mrs Moon.

-Thanks.

You and Alfie kept that quiet.

Shut up. What do you want anyway?

Refill? Left my keys at the gym.

OK, let's go.

Thanks, Mrs Moon.

Why is it so important?

Because I want to put the picture of the scan in it.

Well, I haven't seen it. 'Scuse me, 'scuse me.

I was on the phone, I had it in my hand

when I was speaking to the guy from the school,

the bursar from that nice little prep school.

She's not even born yet, this child.

Some people are on the waiting list when they get engaged

so, in actual fact, we're late.

I'm sure money talks.

Yeah. It did. We're on the waiting list.

£4,000 a term,

ten percent off if you pay a year in advance.

And a £500 registration fee.

You are joking, aren't you?

Oh, what, are you not OK with that?

Why not? Nothing's too good for our little genius.

Oh, no, unless of course they want to get married in a church,

because Daddy will never pay for that, will he?

See I knew it was about that with you.

It's about a silver photo frame.

This one? This one?

Here?

Well, who put it there?

Go on, stick it in there.

500 quid. They too posh for cash?

You're going to seize up, or whatever it is you runners do.

I am cooling down.

SHE LAUGHS

So, you want to talk to me about being the new Mrs Alfie Moon?

Come on, will you stop going on?

I couldn't be bothered to correct the guy, that's all, all right?

I don't get it.

What is it?

A bank statement. The Queen Victoria Public House VAT Account.

Ten grand withdrawn Monday.

Well, he's just paid the VAT.

No, it can't be. It's not due till next month.

Well it's probably just a mistake then.

Yeah.

Look, Rox, whatever it is, it doesn't concern you,

because you are not the new Mrs Alfie Moon.

You are just doing a few hours behind the bar. Big difference.

Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

See you.

One more bit of sightseeing and then I'll take you for lunch, yeah?

There he is. There's the man.

My grandad?

Jim Basher Branning.

Are you like him?

Yeah, too much. So this is it.

The real East End.

And this is my Uncle Jack's business?

Yeah. He's got a partner, he's in the office,

but, yeah, this is your Uncle Jack's.

It's where the family... it's where we belong, Alice.

OK, not your scene. I get the message.

Wasn't your mother's either.

-Come on, let's go somewhere quieter. I'll buy you that lunch.

-OK.

500 quid not enough to ease the pain, then?

What pain?

Not having a church wedding.

I don't care about that.

Yes, you do. Just a little bit.

Listen, we're not like the little people round here,

turning their sad lives into a gaudy fairy tale for a day.

We're more than that.

-I know.

-Yeah. So me, you, the baby,

we're going to have a better life than any of them.

Yeah.

But first, there's that weekend in Paris to get through.

What?

-Yeah.

-When?

This weekend.

In a big chic romantic hotel?

Yeah, if that's what it takes.

First class all the way.

You know that me and the baby need to be comfortable.

I know that.

He could be calling himself anything

but the credit card is under the name of Beale.

He has to be in his room. Please let him be in his room.

It's all right, we'll find him.

If we go in one lift, and he comes down the other, we'll miss him.

-Just calm down, it'll be fine.

-Sorry. I'm just...

I know.

They've, er, they've not had a Mr Beale staying.

No, they must be wrong!

Just because he's not here, doesn't mean anything's happened to him.

But he used his card here, they must know him.

-Where is he? Where's my dad?

-Do you mind?!

Just tell me where he is.

I might've known.

What, he's come chasing after you, begging you to come back, has he?

They've got a room!

I don't know where he is or what you're going on about.

Try the chippy.

Look, we know he's here.

I thought he was dead, how could you let me think that?

Do you mind?

Look, this is a very difficult day for me.

Stay here and don't let her go anywhere.

Dad...

Just stay here.

It's great that you saved Mr Trueman's life, of course.

Must be a relief to hit the news for a positive story.

And this is positive, isn't it?!

You know, a new business right here on the Square.

Very different from the attention you were getting a little while ago.

Excuse me, what has that got to do with anything?

Here we go.

Well, I could show you around the Olympic themed bijou rooms

if you like, after.

Hello, Denise, I got that plant you wanted.

I thought I'd bring it over in my lunch time.

If you'll excuse us? We're having a private interview, yeah?

-I think it's time you left.

-My son doesn't want to talk to you.

It's a human interest story, Mr Cotton.

Murderer...

sorry, suspected murderer turned hero.

Mum's right. I don't want to talk about it.

-I knew this was a mistake.

-Don't you want to get the truth across?

We know what you people do with the truth, you know.

The fact is, you've put your name out there again

so you've reminded people about the murder.

See what you've done?

They're all back, sniffing around

and if you don't go with a friendly journalist like me,

you'll end up with a muckraker.

You seen anything you fancy?

They do a mean vindaloo if you think you're man enough.

I hate to say it, but I'm not that keen on spicy food.

No. Neither am I.

THEY LAUGH