26/05/2012 EastEnders Omnibus

# Hey, little sister

# What have you done?

# Hey, little sister Who's the only one... #

Oi, oi.

MUFFLED MUSIC CONTINUES

# It's a nice day for a white wedding... #

What on earth are you doing?

Practising for the wedding. Be careful of my record.

-You're not playing that at the wedding.

-Yeah. Billy Idol. Legend.

Ian, I'm not so sure, you know. It's meant to be a first dance.

I don't even think I'd know how to dance to that.

Not without a pole.

-That's enough.

-And why is there a for sale sign outside the house?

Because the house is for sale? I did tell you.

-I didn't think you meant it.

-Well, now you know I do, OK?

The Registry Office had a cancellation for Friday.

The estate agent's lining up viewings. Things are coming together.

I'm in the middle of my exams. This is one of the most important times of my life.

Why are you doing this to me?!

Lucy, it's not all about you, OK?

It's about all of us. Me and Mandy'll be married Friday.

The estate agent will have sold the house,

we'll ALL be moving onto bigger and better things. OK?

I don't understand. What is the rush?

-What is so urgent that you have to jeopardise my future?

-There is no rush. OK?

There is no panic. Tell you what, it is like the great man said, OK?

Nice day to start again.

-I was not gawping, all right?

-If it's being flaunted...

It's not being flaunted, is it?

-HE SIGHS

-While the Kat's away...

Michael, Kat's not away, is she?

She's not living it large in Marbella, tanning herself day after day, is she?

She's looking after her dad. Her sick dad.

-All right.

-And Tommy.

-Listen to me. Could be worse, couldn't it?

-It's worse.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where's the fire?

Up Mo's backside if she's not careful. She finished all the milk.

-Crying over spilt milk, eh?

-Do I look like I'm crying? I'm going to get more.

Babe, listen. Don't worry about it. Take some from the pub's store.

Can't have a young girl going hungry, can we?

-Sorry, I've got it.

-No, no, I'll get it.

HE CHUCKLES

Thanks.

-Alfie?

-Jean, you've got a habit of sneaking up on people, darling.

I didn't mean to sneak. This came for you.

Jean, what you doing, sweetheart?

This is my personal credit card statement.

I know I opened it by mistake. I'm so sorry.

You've missed a payment, Alfie.

Yeah, don't worry about it. I'll take care of it.

You shouldn't miss payments, Alfie. The interest...

It was either this or the weekly shop. All right?

-Does Kat know?

-Kat's not here!

I'll take care of it. It'll be fine.

I was 13 when this came out in 1982.

D'you know what, I didn't just like Billy Idol, right?

I wanted to be Billy Idol.

There was this girl at school, Sally Bateman.

Thinking about it, she looked a bit like your mum.

-I didn't half have the hots for her...

-Dad.

I always reckoned I was going to marry Sally Bateman,

and Billy Idol was going to be play White Wedding at our wedding.

-Why are you telling me this?

-Dunno.

Everything just seemed simpler back then. Cooler.

Is that what you want? To be cool?

No.

Nah, not any more.

What do you want, then?

I want to be happy.

I want to be safe.

You know, running away isn't going to make you happy.

Who says I'm running away?

The for sale sign. This marriage.

Leaving home, your business, friends and family.

The business will still be here and my family's coming with me, OK?

Yeah? What about Ben? Your brother. Remember?

What about Ben? He's made his choices, all right?

What is that supposed to mean?

Ben's a Mitchell, OK? He's not part of this family. He's...

We're leaving. He's staying. OK?

And that's all there is to it.

Look, I know this all happened a bit quick but...

And I know I've been... I haven't been myself lately.

I've been getting really stressed. And that needs to stop.

And Friday, it will. OK? You'll understand.

I've got my Business Studies exam.

Well, it was supposed to be breakfast in bed

but seeing as you're up, you've got eggs, bacon, toast...

Who stole my beans?! >

-Which one of you tea-leaves...?

-All right, look. It wasn't her. It was me.

How was I supposed to know they was your beans?

You label your beans?

-I label all my foodstuffs.

-Why?

Because when I was in the....

To stop scavengers like you nicking 'em.

-That's mine!

-Not according to the tin.

OK, the beans are yours. The rest's ours, yeah?

-You happy now?

-Yeah.

You're not going to let him get away with that, are you?

-He said what?

-That you made your own choices. That you're a Mitchell.

I don't know. He was acting really weird.

Ian's never really played with a full deck, has he?

No, I mean manic. Bringing the wedding forward,

-selling the house.

-What? Why?

He said we're moving away.

Said he's got no friends or family left here.

I've never seen him like this. Mandy's wound him up so tight,

he's all over the place, arranging the wedding.

-You've got to do something. Talk some sense into him.

-Me?

Yeah, you're his brother! In fact, you're his best man, aren't you?

Yeah, well, I don't think so. I dunno. Not any more, anyway.

Why not? What is going on between you two?

You said it yourself.

Mandy's got him not knowing whether he's coming or going.

But I'll have a word with him.

-Let him know what a big mistake he's making.

-Thank you.

What are you going to do?

Whatever it takes.

People find out that Ian's leaving, they'll start asking questions.

We can't have people asking questions, can we?

It's just a missed payment. Alfie'll sort it.

It's not just that though.

We've missed a few bills.

He didn't even have enough money for the weekly shop.

Will there be some money coming through from my investment?

No, no. That's a long term thing, Jean. You need to...

That's a 'big picture' type deal, know what I mean?

I don't care about big pictures, I just want to help.

He's just missed a few bills. It's not the Greek national debt.

Slight overreaction. Why don't you just chuck in for the weekly shop?

Well, I would but all my money's in the investment.

Well, just have to get another job then.

-Tide us over temporarily.

-That's a good idea.

And now there's a for sale sign out front.

Wonder what he's planning to do with the caff.

I should probably call Jane.

It's him, isn't it?

-Who is who?

-The man you're mooning over.

-I'm not mooning over anyone.

-Yeah, right.

So, what do you say to a nice night in?

What, as opposed to a murder scene?

Oh, how many times can I say I'm sorry?

I've got Sasha tonight.

I was thinking about the three of us. We could watch a couple of DVDs.

What, like a snuff movie, yeah?

That depends. Do they find Nemo in a shallow grave?

Oh, come on, Ray. I'm trying here.

You'll have to try harder than DVDs on a school night.

Do you reckon a guy and girl can ever be just friends?

-Hello, Sally, meet Harry.

-I'm being serious.

Yes, guys can be friends with girls. It's just really hard.

Especially if one person isn't trying as much as the other.

I'm trying.

I saw you this morning, in your nightie.

Oh, come on, Rox. It's not fair.

Not to you and not to him. Someone's going to get hurt.

Wait, he put his name on a can of beans?!

Not even just his beans. The weirdo labels everything. I checked.

Please tell me my brother defended your honour?

My honour? He didn't even defend the beans!

What was I supposed to do? Look, it was the bloke's beans. He's got a point.

Tyler's labelling his food as well.

SHE CLUCKS LIKE A CHICKEN

I'm not a chicken, all right. I'm just waiting for the right time.

Lay a few ground rules, set him straight.

Well, listen, I'm not having him taking over that house.

He'll be labelling that TV next.

SHE CONTINUES CLUCKING

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

12.30, Town Hall. That's it.

Brilliant. I'll see you then. Bye.

That's the photographer booked!

You're not still worried about Lucy, are you?

-Maybe she's got a point.

-What, about Billy Idol?

-No.

About the wedding and moving.

I mean, Ian, it's all happening so fast.

Are you running away?

What if I am, OK?

It's a big wide world out there and...

..maybe I've outgrown this place.

All the people I cared about, they're long gone.

There's nothing left for me here. Nothing but ghosts.

So, yeah, if I am running away...

..perhaps we're running away to a better place.

Once we're married, OK, everything will be fine.

Ian, I haven't even got a dress.

Tell you what, how about you take yourself into town,

go get yourself the sort of dress you've always dreamed of?

Might come to a little bit more than that, hun.

Yeah, it will, won't it? OK, tell you what, take this one.

You can remember the PIN, can't you? Usual one.

OK.

-See you.

-Bye.

# It's a nice day for a white wedding... #

You forgot something, love?

(ALFIE) Yeah, I know. What colour is it?

No, no, no. That's not what I said.

You're not listening, that's not what I...

I'm not being useless, all right?

I just want to make a decision with you.

HE SIGHS

No, I know I'm not there.

But at the same time, you're not here, are you?

No, I'm not saying it's your fault. It's no-one's fault.

It's just a fact, that's all. Kat?

Kat? Kat?

Sorry.

Mo said you were here. I didn't mean to...

You know what, it's a bad time, I'll go.

Oi! You all right?

Yeah. I'm good. Never been better.

Ian, calm down, will you? I just want to talk to you.

Give me a call or send me a text or something.

-Just stay away from me.

-I was asked to come by Lucy.

-What?!

She thinks you're acting weird, like you've got something to hide.

I do. We all do, don't we?

-Which is why it's important to act normal.

-Normal?

That's a laugh. What is normal about this?

Not pulling the plug on your life, on Lucy's. What are you thinking?

I was thinking about getting her as far away from here as possible.

I'd have thought that's what you wanted.

Oh, no. You...

You want me here so you can keep me under control, don't you?

Well, someone's got to, ain't they? Eh? Go back to your job.

Earn money. Take care of your family. And act normal.

Now, we had a deal, remember?

We don't want anyone asking any questions.

Cos you're in this as deep as anyone else.

Oh. £1,000. Cash. Interest compounded daily.

What was it you said on Saturday? Short term bridging loan?

A creditor might be a little bit nervous to see this.

Janine, you'll get your money, one way or another.

OK, well, I like the sound of "another."

Duvet covers.

-What?

-Exactly. That's what me and Kat were arguing about.

Can you believe it? Duvet covers for Tommy. Ben 10 or In The Night Garden.

These are very important decisions, Alfie.

Tell me about it. You know, big decision to make.

THEY LAUGH

Not sure Kat sees it like that though.

You miss her, don't you?

You should go to them.

What, just pack up and go? I've got responsibilities.

At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Funny, you know, at times like this, the Slaters pull together as a family.

I'll never be a Slater. Not really.

But, you know, I do understand it.

It's just that, you know, at times like this,

I get lonely, miss my family, you know?

Yeah, I know.

PHONE RINGS

It's only Ian. I'll talk to him later.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

So what did you want?

I'm going to move out.

-What?

-I know you said it's OK, I know you said it's OK but...

It's getting awkward with Mo and Jean and everything.

No, you don't have to do that, darling. Not on their account.

-All right, Alfie?

-Hey, you all right? All right, girls?

-Hiya.

Right. I should go.

Hey, listen. No, Rox.

How about tonight me and you go and get something to eat?

Maybe I dunno, grab a curry or something. Be lonely together, eh?

-Yeah, I'd really like that.

-Yeah, me too.

-Catch you later then, yeah?

-Bye.

-See you later. Take care.

All right, Mush? Where's Tyler?

Gone to see a man about a label.

What I'm trying to say is that maybe for the good of the house,

we should all just try and muck in together. Yeah?

I mean, this whole labelling thing, it's a bit weird, innit?

Tell me, Tyler, are you aware of the term Top Dog?

-No.

-Then let me enlighten you.

It's a prison term. It's how the hierarchy is set.

Who sleeps where. Who does what to whom. That sort of thing.

Now, it's called Top Dog because that's how it works in nature,

amongst wolves and such. It's very important to have structure.

To know who's boss. Otherwise, it's just chaos.

It's nothing personal, but it's how the pack leader, that's me,

keeps the bitch, that's you, in check.

Now I choose to mark my hierarchy by labelling my foodstuffs.

But there are other ways I can mark my territory.

We'll keep the labels, eh?

Yeah. Let's keep the labels, mate.

You looking for work? Only Janine could do with another cleaner.

Janine?

Yeah. At Butcher's Joints. I'm Executive Director of Operations.

I don't think so, Billy. Me and that woman hardly get on.

Yeah, you and most people round here.

We've all had run-ins with her, including myself.

But Michael, he'll put in a good word for you. Won't you, Michael?

I've got plenty of options.

Yeah, Alfie? Listen, do me a favour.

Give us a call about the wedding as soon as possible. Bye.

I know you and her have got history.

But I also know how hard it is out there at the moment.

I'd be your line manager, Jean. Just let me do all the talking

and hopefully you won't deal with her at all.

Come on, Jean. I'm desperate here.

Let me guess, having put the wedding off, Dad decided to soften the blow?

Put the wedding off? I've just bought the dress!

By the way, your dad wants us to meet him tonight in the caff.

Some sort of family summit.

DOOR SLAMS

I don't get it. What does he mean by marking his territory?

Don't dwell on it, bruv.

What can we do? I don't want to go back there in his "territory". I won't do it.

We'll make our own territory.

You're leaving? Why?

Why do you think? Mandy.

I hate her.

I hate her hair. I hate her nose.

I hate her lopsided, cutesy, little smile.

-I just want to scratch her eyes out.

-Hey, whoa!

I mean, I don't get it.

I know you don't want to leave. cos that's rubbish, innit?

Why does Mandy get to you so much?

Do you think she's trying to take your mum's place or something?

Are you kidding? No-one can replace my mum.

My dad's tried hard enough.

Not even my mum could replace my mum. He just doesn't love her. OK?

-He can't.

-Why?

Cos I'm not going to let him.

Karaoke? >

-Yuck.

-Wendy houses?

-She's 13, not three.

-You're not helping.

Look, I don't want to do anything. And I can't. I've got to practise.

-What for?

-Dance recital.

-You like dancing?

-I love it.

-She's really good at it.

-Why didn't you say so?

Listen, you're looking at the former Under-17s National Bogling champion.

Hey, you want to nail that dance recital, you are in the right place.

Put some music on, Mr DJ. Let's get this party started!

Yeah!

You're going to do it, then?

Yep. I've got an interview with Billy tomorrow.

You despise Janine, with good reason.

I went to the Job Centre today. It was full.

Young people.

Old people.

Mums. Dads.

Sick. Healthy.

Disabled.

And the girl behind the counter, she was doing her best

but you could see in her eyes that...

You don't have to respect your employer.

-But you have to respect yourself.

-Hm.

Anyway, when my investment comes through it will give me

the greatest of joys to tell Janine where she can shove her job.

You look nice, babe.

Thank you. Do you think I should maybe dress down a bit?

Depends on what you're trying to achieve.

Rox, he doesn't love you, all right? He's told you that.

What he's told me and what he means are two very different things.

OK? I offered to move out and he asked me to stay.

There's something there, Christian, I know it.

-Ooh!

-All right, Jean?

-Don't you look nice?

-Alfie, I've...

-No. Me first.

Jean, I want to apologise for the way I spoke to you this morning.

It was bang out of order. I've just...

Just got a lot on my mind at the moment, you know.

I know. That's why I'm getting another job

to help with the housekeeping.

-No, no, sweetheart. You don't have to do that.

-Yes, I do.

You know, Jean, you have got one big heart, you have.

-So do you.

-See you later.

Alfie?

Kat misses you terribly, you know.

I know you think us Slaters are a tight bunch

but she's there for them. What she needs is you.

Are you ready to order?

I think I'm going to leave it another five minutes.

CARTOON PLAYS

'..3% in the last 13 weeks. Total sales increased 5%.

'Retail like-for-like sales at its North American unit...

It's interesting, Gillian, talking about retailers expanding abroad...'

You'll never guess who I had a visit from. Uncle Phil!

There's a surprise.

I went to see Ben. I was upset and Phil offered to help.

Both me and Phil, right, when we talked about it this morning,

want what's best for our families.

Selling the house, our family home, is that what's best?

Leaving your businesses and dragging your kids away from their friends

-is what's best?

-Lucy, just calm down.

After everything we've been through, after what you've built here,

you're just going to throw it away to marry her?

You don't love her. He doesn't love you.

And how do you know that?

Because she's not Mum!

-What's this got to do with your mum?

-It's always got to do with Mum.

Even that girl you were blabbering on about...

Sally?

Sally Bateman. She looked like Mum. No surprise.

Everyone you've ever loved kind of looked like Mum.

She's the closest of the lot.

I do not look like Cindy Beale.

No, you're right. You're just a pale imitation.

-Lucy, that's enough, all right?

-It's not your fault, Mandy.

No-one will ever measure up. But you don't want to, do you?

-You're waiting for the right moment to run away.

-Oh, shut up!

You'll bleed Dad dry until there's nothing left then move on to the next.

The pathetic thing is you pretend that you can change.

-At least my mum was honest.

-You know what...

-Stay there.

-No.

-Stay there. Bobby, wait by the door, please.

Now.

Come here. I know what you're playing at.

I'm trying to help you. I'm trying to help us.

You know what, you are so like your mum sometimes, it scares me.

In a good way?

Your mum was a lying, cheating, murderous slapper

who would do whatever it took to get her own way.

Is that "in a good way"?

Now, you take Bobby home

and don't you ever pull a stunt like that again.

Mo, you seen Alfie?

-Not since he left.

-Left?

He's gone to see Kat and Tommy, and about time too.

Ah, that reminds me.

He left you this.

OK, Sasha! Dance recital take one!

MUSIC: "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga

Good, ain't she?

She's...original.

TUMBLING AND CRASHING

It's OK. I'm not hurt!

What you doing awake, young lady, huh?

What is it, love?

Do you know, I can only remember being truly happy once as a child.

One memory. Isn't that pathetic?

Depends on the memory.

It was Easter. She made pancakes with syrup.

And we ate the lot. We were laughing and throwing stuff at each other.

Thing is, like... Why that time?

You know, why only that time?

When we're married, it'll be pancake and syrup every day.

Promise?

I have to. It's all I have.

And no-one can take it away from me, not now.

Cheers.

Hi. This is Mandy Salter.

My fiance, Ian Beale, made a booking with you.

I'm sorry, there's been a mix-up and we have to cancel the Registry Office for Friday.

Feel free to offer it to someone else. Thank you.

Whatever it takes.

So he's definitely moving, then?

I just got a text from Lola

saying that Ian's getting married the day after tomorrow. Mad house.

-Going to be all right having the afternoon off? Show support and that.

-Yeah. Yeah, course.

Come on, George. I'll throw in a fish supper for you and the wife.

I know it hardly covers the cost of the arrangements.

It's just a little sweetener until the end of the month. That's all.

Cheers, mate. I really do appreciate it.

It's 12.30 at the town hall. Bring the kids, yeah?

All right, mate. Bye.

So the catering's cancelled?

Thank you.

What are you smiling at?

SHE SHUDDERS

Someone walk over your grave?

There she is. My beautiful bride-to-be.

-Got you a nice cuppa. Sit and I'll bring you some toast.

-Ta.

-I am working here.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Get that for us, love.

-Love? Don't you mean cheating, murderous slapper?

D'you know what, I hardly slept a wink after last night.

I just lay there, listening to you breathe.

-That is creepy.

-I was just thinking, "There she is. The woman I love."

I can't have estate agents snooping round. I'm meant to be revising.

-Ian, I'm not even dressed yet!

-We did book.

The wedding, I tell you, everything is just starting to come together.

It's going to be the best wedding you've ever had.

-How many do you think I've had?!

-Could we just take a quick look?

-Yeah. Feel free. Just go round.

-Dad!

Love, I tell you. It is going to be magical.

-What, like when you married Cindy?

-What?

Cos it won't, Ian.

Yeah, you might've booked a Registry Office

and, yeah, I expect you'll turn up, but what else?

-Have you even ordered a cake yet?

-Oh, cake!

Guess not.

Ian, you're looking for Cindy Beale mark two.

I'm barely Mandy Salter mark one.

What are we doing?

Excuse me, excuse me. Masood!

Masood! Wait!

Whoa, whoa, you look terrible.

You got anything for number 45?

I dunno yet.

-Well, come on, it's important.

-There is an order, Ian.

At last! My beautifully altered bridesmaid dresses.

-Bridesmaids.

-Mandy has got bridesmaids, right?

Yes! Right, Town Hall Registry Office, 12.30 tomorrow.

Make sure you're there. Bring the missus. It's going to be magical. You don't want to miss it, OK? Yes!

You want to watch all three Twilight films tonight? Why?

-Thought you hated them?

-That was before the werewolf.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Nah, me and Oscar are going to watch this Jason Statham film.

I'm not having my little boy watch that nonsense!

What's Twilight? That's nonsense, innit?

-Just topless werewolves running about.

-No!

It's about abstinence, no nookie before marriage.

You two should have tried it.

Oi! I heard that! Hello, Jay.

-Your post, ma'am!

-Thank you.

-Morning, everyone.

-Jay, back me up, mate.

They think they're watching the Twilight films tonight.

Ain't that Jason Statham film on tonight?

Yes, exactly. Well done. You've just earned yourself a driving lesson.

-No, that does not mean you've won!

-Yes, it does.

-No. Tell him.

-Family's a numbers game. One, two, three.

-So he's part of the family now?

-Yes, he is.

You can't go now. You'll have to take him later. You've booked...

We're only going round the square. Come on, Jay.

Did you come to see me or my dad?

Sorry, sweet cheeks. I thought you was working today.

-I am. So leave me alone!

-SHE SNORTS

Why you here?

Washing up? I'm beginning to feel like an house husband.

Billy, get Whitney on the phone for me, would you?

Charming. It's the mornings when I love you most.

Tell her the dresses have arrived and sound her out about moving in...

again.

-I've got to interview Jean.

-I'm sure you can manage both.

You're not trying that woman? She'll sink the business!

I need cleaners. I need to know if these dresses fit.

And I need to know if I have to put my entire empire on hold,

while I play peek-a-boo for the next five years!

I'm Mandy Salter and I'm not getting on that boat!

Come on, Alfie, pick your phone up.

Look, you're supposed to be sharing the workload with me because you're my best man.

Give me a call back, please!

-By the way, I borrowed that money I found in your jeans.

-How much?

Listen, I was thinking... Bridesmaids. It just occurred to me.

Have you asked anyone?

Ian, I'm going to get my nails done for YOUR wedding.

-You know, what more do you want from me?

-Mand!

-Take it no-one said yes.

-You do it.

Yeah! Mandy would love to have you as her bridesmaid.

-I mean, she loves you.

-Are you mad?

-Do it for me, then.

-What, after how you spoke to me yesterday?

When did you last do anything for me?

When did you do anything to deserve it?

-Thanks, Maria.

-It's Marie.

Smells like compost.

Yeah, it calms you down.

I don't need calming. I need Ray to see what I see. The truth!

Right, you've lost me.

His daughter's dancing. The flailing limbs. The dis-coordination.

-Dis-coordination?

-As in un-rhythmicality.

The girl dances like corn bouncing on a hotplate and not in a good way.

Ah, you're just mean.

Mean? He's the one bigging her up like she's the love child

of Justin Timberlake and Usher.

And before you say it, I know they're two blokes

but this love child was IVF!

Yes. Yes, Kim. That's exactly how IVF works.

I'm sorry, but is this a science class or is it

a Kim gets it off her resplendent chest session?

Maybe you should just take her to one of your Kimba classes.

Do me a favour.

You should be happy, Dad. You get to spend the day with me.

Oh, look at this. My two favourite women all under one roof.

-You all right, babe?

-Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

Only Sasha can't go to her school trip today

because someone forgot to bring home a letter for me to sign.

-I don't care how cotton mills work.

-You can't stay at the Vic all day.

Oh, right. Kim was just saying that she would love to...

KIM KICKS HER

..to take your Sasha... SHE COUGHS

..to one of her Kimba classes, you know.

Yeah. That's a wicked idea. So long as it doesn't involve gravestones!

What do you reckon, babe? Want to show 'em how it's done?

Bust a couple of moves, yeah?

HE LAUGHS

-Bridesmaid!

-Oh, Ian! You frightened me.

Mandy would love to have you as her bridesmaid.

No, I'm Janine's.

What are you? About a size ten?

I'm an eight. Ian, I haven't agreed to anything.

-Lauren, he wants me to be Mandy's bridesmaid.

-I thought you were Janine's?

It'd make her so happy on her special day. Please.

-I can always slip you 50 later.

-Well, ain't that a bit cheap?

-100?

-No, I mean bribing people to like your wife.

I know. It's a hassle. There's fittings and dress rehearsals and all the rest of it.

All right. You do it then.

We've got that appointment thing, ain't we, with my mum?

So we're well late already. Sorry.

Look, you'll still come along to the service, won't you?

Town Hall Registry Office. Tomorrow. 12.30. Yeah? It'll be magical!

PHONE RINGS

Alfie, where you been?

Yeah, listen, mate. This is important, OK? We forgot bridesmaids!

What d'you mean you're not coming back?

The thing is I've got an interview with Billy in, um, 15 minutes!

So you put the money in and expect other people to do the hard work?

No! No. I just don't know how helpful I'll be.

Not very if you don't learn the figures.

Jean.

Look out there.

Go on.

A boxing gym is the heartbeat of a community.

Don't just nod. You've got to feel it.

You know, that's Walford.

The big, the small.

The rich, the poor.

That's the community, Jean. Just beating.

You don't just put money into something like that.

Got to put your soul into it as well.

Right.

Well, we'd better get started, then.

It was just so weird. Like, desperate.

Maybe Mandy just really likes you.

No-one said yes, more like.

Yeah, forget maid of honour, maid of last resort.

That's even more reason for you to do it.

-Babe, don't get involved.

-Hello?

If you want to chip in, you can pay like everyone else.

I've already said yes to Janine.

It'll have to be you then, won't it? I mean, how awful must it be

knowing you haven't got a single friend in the world?

Er, no. The guilt trip is not working.

-You're done.

-Lovely. Cheers.

Oh, d'you know they're moving house as well?

Yep, saw the sign up this morning.

Look at your face, look. It's going to be a disaster.

Oh, hello, Mandy! What can I do for you?

Um, nails. I suppose.

Right. Lovely. Thanks for the chop.

Don't get involved.

-What was he on about?

-No idea.

OK, Kimba-ettes, thank you so much. Sorry about the change of venue.

They double-booked me. Come on, Jackie. Come on, Jackie.

Don't worry, their heads have been busted.

You OK there, Sasha?

I'm just doing my thing.

Yeah? Well, it's my class. And it's MY thing now.

So watch and learn!

OK. Let's go. Un, deux, trois, quatre!

Come on! And the arms! Bend your back, bend your back.

Give me the arms. Arms!

You must be very excited at the moment with everything that's going on.

With the wedding and...

Lauren says you're moving house.

Can't be great for Lucy, can it, with the exams coming up?

Why does everybody assume it's my fault?

You know, I was minding my own business, working in the club

and Ian dragged me back here and everything is my fault ever since.

Hang on, I haven't finished...

You haven't paid me.

I always thought there's a lyrical quality to your speech.

I mean, you'd make a perfect best man for me.

Ian, bruvver, why you telling me stuff I already know?

I was thinking you could have a word with Lauren and Whitney. I can pay.

I mean, do I look like a window cleaner to you?

I mean, where does it say in my job description window cleaner?

I do this the whole day.

I sell my soul the whole day, and for what, man?

When I go home, the selling stops, all right?

That is Fats' time, that is my time.

I put on some tunes. I get down with the ladies. All right?

I don't do Bar Mitzvahs or weddings, bruv. Best man? What you thinking?

Did I just hear right?

Alfie's gone away. He's dumped me in it.

And he's your best bet?

I was just passing, OK? Phil, it's none of your business.

Well, you acting weird, pulling a shotgun wedding, selling your house, that's my business.

-Now have I got something to worry about?

-Thought you'd be pleased.

You all right?

SHE SIGHS

Yeah. Time travelling.

You know, one day I'll have worked here my whole life.

-Can I sit down?

-Yeah.

You know, Mandy,

you don't seem like someone that's getting married in two days.

How should I seem?

Excited. Scared. Maybe up and down, left and right.

You just seem...down.

Well, there's not a lot to get up about.

My mum said I'd mess it up. Who am I to argue, eh?

Mothers, eh?

Ain't you one?

Yeah. Somewhere across town, one of my girls is hating me for something I've said without thinking.

No, my mum meant it.

You know, Mandy, when you're a mum

you spend so much of your life being ignored

that it's easy to forget how much your words mean to your kids.

I could say something to a mate and it's forgotten in minutes.

But I say something to one of my babies,

and they remember it for ever.

They hate me for it.

Yeah, that's true.

You're getting married, Mandy. You should get your mum's blessing.

Well, she's in hospital. I don't even know how bad it is.

That's even more reason then.

You know where I am...if you need your nails finishing.

-That's well above inflation so we can put that back into the business.

-PHONE RINGS

Oh, that's Billy!

He says if I don't go now, I've lost the job.

Jean, look. Jean, look. Look at this kid. See this kid?

He loves nicking cars.

Loves it. But when he's here, we can keep him out of trouble.

Me and Jack, we lack a woman's touch, Jean. You know?

He looks so young.

Yeah. If you can think of this place as a home...

..then it needs a mother. Every boy needs his mum, right?

What's this? You fancy a bit of sparring do you, Jean?

See, look. He loves having you here. We all love having you here, Jean.

Come on. Let's go and celebrate. Let's have a drink.

-Celebrate?

-Yeah, yeah. Celebrate. You're going to be rich, Jean.

You're going to be very, very rich. Forget Billy. Come on.

Hey, babe. How'd it go?

Standard was pretty low. Can I get changed upstairs?

Course you can.

She says my standards are low and you just smile?

So come on, then. How good was she? Bet they couldn't keep up, huh?

And now you're doing it! You're slagging off my class.

Babe, I didn't mean any harm by it.

I don't mean no harm by this.

That girl's dancing is unholy. It's un-bubblicious.

-You telling her different sets her up for one almighty fall.

-HE LAUGHS

Does my face say laugh? No, it says run for cover.

What, you being serious?

Right. Well, thanks for looking after her, yeah?

-I'm just saying...

-I know she's not the best, all right.

But what am I supposed to do? Put her down because she wouldn't win Strictly?

Suppose not.

Course I'm going to encourage her.

That's what you do when you're a parent. You big up your kids.

Sorry.

When I see that girl, I see everything she can be.

You just see everything that she can't.

-I dunno why you put up with me.

-Cos I love you.

Is it?

You all right there, babe?

I love you too!

Your mother's just out of recovery.

If you wait a sec, I'll take you through. The others are here too.

Recovery?

What others?

Jack. You and Lauren, you're close, yeah?

Yeah. She's my niece.

What I mean is, she's a nice girl, isn't she?

It'd be great to have her at the wedding.

Town Hall, 12.30. You as well.

This is nice. I'm five minutes late and you get a ringer in already!

Well, he sat down, uninvited.

Marie, nice cup of tea for me, please, beautiful.

-So what's he been on about?

-This isn't a joke, OK?

So far he's established that Lauren's my niece and that she's a very nice girl.

He'll be pointing out that we're brothers next.

I thought Lauren would like to be bridesmaid for Mandy.

I've got this one. Let me get this straight. Mandy is your aunt?

-Fiancee!

-What? You're marrying your aunt?

-Your family, Ian. God.

I'm still trying to work out how Phil's son is your brother.

Can you just shut up, please?

-Ooh! Charming!

-That's no way to ask for a favour, is it?

-I need a bridesmaid, OK!

-THEY LAUGH

No, no. Mandy needs a bridesmaid.

Forgive me if I get this wrong,

but isn't that normally the job of the bride?

-She ain't having cold feet, is she?

-What did you say?

-He's only joking.

-Truth hurt?

-Derek.

No. She loves me.

I've had strippers fall in love with me.

They probably meant it until my money ran out.

You take that back.

See, what you've got to remember,

is there's always someone with more dough to tempt 'em away.

-Don't you push me.

-Or what?

You ain't going to ask me to be your bridesmaid?

Right, that's it! We're closing the caff! Come on, all of you. Out!

-I haven't had my cuppa tea yet!

-I am not a joke, all right?

-Go on, everybody out.

-I haven't finished!

-You think I'm a joke, just get out!

-What?

Come on, Jack.

Sorry about this place. It's disgusting.

They've had a dance class in here or something.

No, no, it's all right.

I was wondering what my son would make of his mum

becoming a business woman.

A venture capitalist, no less!

SHE LAUGHS

Cheers.

This is my daughter Stacey.

And Sean, my son.

I'll tell him later. Well, I'll tell his picture.

We chat all the time.

Sounds bonkers, I know.

I think it's important to stay in touch with people

when they're not there.

Especially when they're not there. Don't you think?

-I don't have any pictures.

-Ah.

-Not even of your mum?

-No.

-What is it?

-There was a picture.

In their bedroom.

Old black and white one, portrait.

One of those old portraits. That's right.

She's young in it. She's younger than me.

Really odd when you see your parents as children, isn't it?

It's like an intrusion.

Yeah. She's wearing a white frilly dress with a bow.

And she's not happy about it. She's wearing one of these round her neck.

What happened to it?

Oh, my dad took it down.

Said she wasn't that person any more.

Oh, you never know. He might still have it.

He might be talking to her like I talk to Sean.

Lucky him.

Lauren won't be involved in that wedding now.

-He's barred from the Bhajee.

-What's with the mothers' meeting?

We've just been expelled from the caff.

Ian didn't quite get Derek's sense of humour.

He went mad, slung us all out. Look, poor Marie.

Look, she's all upset. Come here, darling, come here.

-Where is he now?

-Said something about the chippy.

Oh, don't go after him, Max. Max!

Who...?

Um, that's not my mum.

Lorraine Hardy?

No. Lorraine Stephens.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

-If you'd just like to come back to the day room.

-What's wrong?

If you'd just like to come this way.

KNOCK ON DOOR

You OK, Ian?

Is the stall closed an' all?

-It ain't funny.

-Who said it was?

People can mock me cos I want to have a best man at my wedding but...

But to laugh at Mandy? Why shouldn't she have a magical day?

And a beautiful dress and bridesmaids?

Course, mate. Course she deserves all that.

Your Lauren doesn't think so or my Lucy.

Sad thing is, she don't either.

Look, Ian, I'm sorry about my brothers. They can be idiots.

All I've got, right, I've got a venue,

I've got a honeymoon and I've got a fiancee.

I don't even know how many people are turning up.

Ian, why don't you just call it off, mate?

Because it'll make her feel worthless. OK?

She needs to have a beautiful day so...

..so she knows how beautiful she is.

So what we got here?

Car. I know just the man for the car.

Do you a good deal, an' all. Cake.

Sounds like best man talk.

Go on, then, Ian. Go on, I guess so.

No, you can't. I've got...

Don't expect a big speech, all right? I don't do 'em.

Here I am...again.

I am sorry about earlier.

I can be clumsy with words.

She was very religious, my mother.

Heaven and...hell.

Very, very real to her.

This - St Christopher, he is - is the patron saint of travel.

She gave my brother Craig one as well.

She said that he couldn't help her where she was going.

Imagine that. Imagine sending yourself to hell.

You said that this place needed a mum.

Would you like a hug? Us mums are good at hugs.

He's gone mad, all right. He's proper lost it, Dad.

-What you talking about?

-Ian! He threw everyone out the chippy and the caff.

Shut 'em down. Apparently he was screaming in the street.

-When was this?

-This afternoon. They're all talking about it at school.

Everyone is talking about it! Maybe that's what he wants though.

Maybe he wants people to know cos he wants it off his shoulders.

That's why he's losing it. Dad, you've got to do something.

Hello, love. You want some lunch?

What's up?

I'm Ian Beale's best man.

What? You said not to get involved!

What's happened?

Well, sort of volunteered, didn't I?

Oh. That's lovely of you.

I thought that Ben was Ian's best man?

What on earth are you going to say in your speech?

Talk about all the mad adventures that you two have been on?

If you need help, ask me.

Why you so keen?

Jane's been so worried about Bobby since she left.

Ian and Mandy married, that'll be the stability he needs.

-PHONE RINGS

-Hello, Max Branning?

What's up, Jay?

Nothing.

You're joking me?

Max?

Ian, it's Max. Yeah, your best man.

Listen, mate, I called the Registry Office on the way back

and they've just got back to me.

There's something you need to know.

What's up with you?

This morning you said...

Catering! Cancelled by Mandy Salter.

Registry Office, cancelled by Mandy Salter. Were you going to tell me?

Were you going to let me turn up and find out that way?

Were you even going to bother turning up yourself?

-I don't understand.

-Do you know what I have gone through today?

How much pride I've had to swallow?

-I've had some...

-To try and give you a magical day. Your special day.

People warned me off you, OK? And I wouldn't have it.

I said no. She is not a slapper. She is not a gold digger

-She is capable of love.

-Oh, shut up!

Just shut up!

I went to see my mum today.

I got there but I was...

I was too late.

My mum's dead.

THEY GIGGLE

You were doing a good job, then.

HE LAUGHS

What's funny?

It's amazing how you become like your parents, innit?

I was just about to tell you to use a glass.

No.

Good run?

Yeah, yeah, it was good for thinking.

And what d'you come up with?

It might be nice to have dinner tonight.

I'm not doing anything this evening, that'd be very nice, thank you.

Yeah. Yeah, funny.

No, I meant me and Whit - romantically.

Are you saying that my presence isn't conducive to romance?

No... No, I'm not saying that. It's just, it might...

-HE LAUGHS

-I'm only joking!

I'll be out your way, son, don't worry.

Yeah, well, that's my offer. 40 below the asking price.

And I can pay cash.

I'm sure that that will appeal to Mr Beale,

given that he doesn't seem to have any.

Dad.

Shhh!

-How's Mandy?

-She's asleep.

Has she said anything? About yesterday?

No. I think cancelling everything, it was like a reflex action...

So what now?

Well, it's up to all of us to help her get through it, isn't it.

You're not thinking of going ahead with the wedding?

Dad, her mum has just...

Look, it's a decent way to celebrate her life, OK.

And you're going to make a fantastic bridesmaid.

Just don't mention it to her when she wakes up. Let her... You know.

Are you having a laugh? It's 8 o'clock in the morning!

Erm, I'm doing this to pass my exams.

Oh, "Pass my exams." Live a little.

-What, like you?

-Oh, you're so good.

Look at that - Ian Beale. He wants me to put everything back on.

They must have sorted things out, then.

How do you sort out a dead mum that quick?

What?

Well, a bit of consideration. Mandy must be devastated.

Yeah, your best-man speech is going to be a real tear-jerker then(!)

Shut up, Lauren.

You're just put out cos me and Jay won the TV-remote wars last night.

You got exams today?

English and Science.

-Feeling OK about them?

-What?!

Dad, I ain't slept a wink. Last night, I spoke to Lola,

she was, you know, telling me how Ian had this mad look in his eyes

when he threw her out the chippy.

-You know, like a zombie.

-Well, I'll sort it.

He could send us down for this.

I'll sort it, OK? One way or another.

SHE GASPS Tyler, stop it!

I'm late for work! Don't make me bring the pain.

All right, all right. Guess who's got a free house tonight...

Let me guess. Must be someone I know, or you wouldn't bother asking.

-Oh, OK.

-Tamwar?

-All right, all right.

I guess I'll have to invite someone else

-for a beautiful, candle-lit dinner for two, then.

-Oh, really?

See you later. Don't bring Tamwar.

I won't.

There you are! Have you been avoiding my minions?

Because it's tantamount to avoiding me.

No, I've been busy with work and Tyler.

-OK, so have you given it much thought?

-What?

Moving in! Billy said that he'd left a message.

I thought Michael would be moving in? He's the dad.

And what is that supposed to mean?

Nothing. Nothing, it's just...

most girls would die to have some sharply dressed go-getter

in the house.

Oh, please, Michael is not moving in!

Look, is this a yes or a no?

Because if it's a no, can you please just say so.

Janine, it's going to be all right, OK?

You're going to cope. Mums always do.

Janine? I didn't mean anything...

No, I'm not accepting 40 below.

Well, this is London, right?

The prices go up. It's simple economics.

Well, you're the estate agent, not me.

Oh, Ian. Are you all right?

Tanya.

I just dropped in to see how Mandy's doing.

Yeah, she's asleep.

Max told me about her mum. It's crazy, we were only talking about her yesterday.

Has she ask you to be bridesmaid?

No. Why? She wouldn't, would she?

She must be distraught, poor girl.

Yeah, it's really knocked her for six.

But it's good that she's got something to focus on.

Oh, right. So, you're still going ahead with everything?

Only Max said she cancelled the venue.

Yeah, it's only a quick phone call. Easily done.

-Right, you think she'll be up to that tomorrow, do you?

-Yeah.

Thanks for coming round. She'll really appreciate it.

OK, well, look, if you need us to take Bobby off your hands...

-Yeah, absolutely. She'll be touched.

-You know where we are...

-See you.

It's not my fault you've ended up the best man!

I told you not to go after him!

Here, look, let me make it up to you. I'll make amends.

Come out with me for a nice drink tonight, just the two of us, eh?

I want to give little Tyler and Whitney space.

-PHONE RINGS

-Hold up, it's the venue. Hang on. Hello? Yeah.

What, the card was declined?

Yeah, well, you said the admin fee was only 50 quid!

And it was still declined, yeah? Hold up, hold up.

I've got to sort this out, Del, sorry.

Hang on, let me just grab the card for you. Hang on.

Well, good luck!

Yeah, I know I'm going to be very, very rich...

Wahey! It's just that I need some money now.

So I was wondering if you might have a word with Billy

and tell him that it was your fault I missed the interview yesterday.

Well, not your fault exactly...

Course I can. It's fine, it's fine.

-Just leave it with me.

-Thanks.

I've seen Million Dollar Baby - the answer's no.

What? No, it's Janine, actually...

-Is she OK?

-Why?

Well, she asked me to move in again earlier and I said no...

This is ridiculous. She'll have Billy living there before me!

-Aren't bridesmaids supposed to get new dresses?

-I'm not sure about the red one, but the green one is OK.

-Can't I wear black?

-No, you can't wear black.

It's not very sensitive, is it? The green one will be lovely.

How you doing, love?

What time is it? Why didn't you wake me?

Cos I thought you deserved to have a lie in, OK?

Now, come on. Come and sit yourself down.

Marie's going to cover the cafe, so we haven't got to worry about that.

Now, you just relax and I'll go and make you a nice cup of tea.

About the funeral...

Ian, you can stick her in the allotment with the cabbages and carrots for all I care.

Right...

What about the wedding?

Ian...

I can't go through with it. Not tomorrow.

Yes, you can.

No, Ian, I just need a little bit of time.

I'm not saying never. I'm not.

Just a couple of weeks.

You're overreacting.

My mum has just died.

KNOCKING AT DOOR

All right, Ian. It's your card, mate, it's been rejected.

What do you mean it's been rejected? I only just got it!

-Ian, it wouldn't go through, mate.

-What?! Oh, come with me.

What do you mean he said no?

All right, well, did you tell him that I offered to pay cash?

KNOCK AT DOOR

OK, in that case, revise my offer down by 10,000.

Yes, down. And then if he still says no,

you can tell him that the money I lent him at the weekend,

I would like back. Thank you.

You're not buying another place, are you?

What did you want?

That's very rude. I heard you were upset, yeah?

-But that was ten minutes ago...

-Must be Whitney.

Yeah. She was worried.

Not worried enough to move in though, right?

Why would you even want her to?

Because I'm not going to let this baby get in the way of my business.

With the genes that baby's getting,

she'll be pulling a hostile takeover in months.

I'm being serious, Michael, all right? I've got to get on.

Well, listen, I'm not moving until you ask me to move in, OK?

Because you've asked every other no-mark in the Square.

So, whenever you're ready. In your own time.

Is that right, Ian?

Well, I guess that's it, mate, innit?

The money for the funeral - it must have come out the account.

Right. Must have been expensive, was it?

Lend it to me.

Come on, Max. Look, you know I'm good for it, OK?

I've got the caff, I've got the chippy, I've got the house...

I'll pay you back, it's just a cash-flow thing.

It's not that, it's not that, all right?

I ain't being funny, but it's Mandy, innit?

-You know, she's the one who's cancelled all this.

-She's grieving!

Yeah, she still is. It ain't been 24 hours, Ian.

-She don't want to get married tomorrow...

-She does want to!

She just doesn't realise it yet, OK?

If you don't want to be my best man, just say,

and I can find someone else.

Ian, I'm not saying that, all right?

Then help me! I tell you what,

we get the smaller room at the registry office,

we're not going to do any food or flowers or anything.

Just me, Mandy, you, Lucy and Bobby. It'll cost a couple of hundred quid.

I thought you said you wanted it to be a magical day?

It will be magical. Just seeing that ring on her finger.

Max, please, in 48 hours' time I could be stood on that deck,

sipping champagne, just watching the sunset go down.

And all this... This stuff with Mandy's mum and the money...

It'll all be in the past.

Please, Max.

You've got to help me get on that ship. With my wife.

Please.

Who else have you tried? Beale, have you tried Beale?

Oh, come on, calm down, please.

No. You're asking all these different people to help you out

and I'm right here.

I've asked someone to help me with my baby,

I need someone to help, so I offered Whitney a job.

Whitney, that ex-pro...

-Stop. What about meal times?

-What about meal times?

I can do meal times. I am available for meal times.

Yeah, I can come and sit round the table, I can eat dinner.

-What, like happy families?

-Yeah. Just like on the telly, you know.

All sitting round, eating cornflakes.

-Oh, please! Don't you think it's just a bit drastic?

-Drastic?

We're having a baby together and you're talking about drastic?

How about this, look, right...

Let's have dinner tonight. Just me and you.

And then I can stay. How about that?

And I can wake up in the morning, we could have breakfast.

Then I go to work.

But then I'd come back, we could have dinner again.

Then I stay again. See, there's a pattern emerging.

We could just do that ad infinitum.

So, like, you accidentally move in?

Yeah. Yeah, why stop now?

Go on, girl.

You know you'd love it.

I've been looking for you. What's this about you shutting the caff

-and going out in the street, shouting?

-Billy. Buy my car.

Oh, yeah, like I can afford a new motor.

-Oi, oi, I'm talking to you.

-500 quid.

Let me see, I've got... £2.70?

Oi, why are you doing this?

I'm going to do this without Max, or Ben, or anyone else.

-I can do it on my own.

-Max?

Yeah, I'm going to be jetting off to paradise this time tomorrow.

That's not how it looks in the book, man!

Oh, what is that disgusting smell?

What's this? Extreme Cooking?

A couple of lugs of this, a drizzle of that - I've got vomit.

Oh, what are you doing?!

It says, look, the longer you cook it the better,

-so I thought I'd start early...

-No, what are you doing cooking

chilli con carne for a young girl?

This is supposed to be a romantic meal.

Bit of fish. Light pasta dish.

She's a beautiful young woman, not a rugby prop forward.

How do you know so much about it then?

Common sense.

Oh, you amaze me, you really do.

I don't know how you've lasted this long.

Right, bin all this and we'll start from scratch.

Now, what shall we do? Something fancy...

Something she'll respond to.

And you know how to cook, do you?

When it's the difference between sitting in a cell for a ten stretch

or learning how to make lasagne, it ain't long before you're pinnied up

and standing in front of a cooker. Well, do you want me to help you, or don't you?

I've got a poker game I could be organising.

Please, please, mate. Help me.

Good. Right. Let's get down the shops.

Now, you are the sous chef,

I am head chef,

which means that I am in charge,

and you are nothing but a maggot on the sole of my shoe.

-There's no change there then!

-Well... Come on.

All right, Phil?

This about Jay?

-Ian.

-Oh, right.

Don't bother kicking off, cos I'm done.

That's it. You know, I don't mind helping him out,

but I'm not going to lend him money.

I just want to know what he said to you.

He said he needed a best man. Which is fine.

I don't mind picking up the phone, saying a few words,

but I ain't going to lend him money, Phil, not the state he's in.

Well, the last I heard Ben was his best man.

Well, he told me Ben had exams or something, I don't know.

Still, if Ben wants the job back, that's fine.

Well, how much short is he?

500. Not likely, is it?

Before you know it, you've given him your credit card

and he's flying her off to Disneyland

in a Minnie Mouse helicopter.

Phil, you ain't going to see that money back.

I don't care. I just want you to do your job properly

and then Ben can stop worrying about his brother.

Do me a favour, calm him down before he gets himself sectioned.

You're going to need more than this, Phil. For the car an' all that.

I'll sort the car.

I lost my mum.

So? What, you want to be best friends now, do you?

Dead Mums Brigade?

I was just saying...

-Right, I'm selling the car.

-Stop selling everything!

-No, everything's falling into place.

-I need to get out of here.

No. You can't. I've got a surprise for you, OK? An announcement.

-What?

-It deserves a bit of ceremony, OK.

Everything's got to be perfect, hasn't it?

So, I'm going to go get us a curry and a bottle of wine.

Look, I promise, everything's got to be perfect, all right?

Just stay there, yeah? Have you got any money?

I thought you'd sold the car?

Make sure she doesn't leave.

Potato rosti. Sounds well-posh.

Yeah, and all you've done is fry up a couple of potatoes.

I'm amazed they had you doing this inside, mate.

Well, I met this guy, fellow con. Quite a funny story, actually.

Oh, yeah? Go on.

Well, I'd been in about a year, right.

So I get a call up to the warden's office.

I walk in, he's looking at me,

he says, "I'm sorry, Branning, it's a Dear John."

Dear John? What's that?

It's a letter you get from your missus,

when she's informing you it's all over.

Oof! Ouch.

No greater ouch, mate.

There's nothing you can do about it on the inside.

You see, the screws, they all read your mail,

so he knew what to expect.

He's looking at me, he goes,

"Branning, you need the doctor."

Do you know what he gave me?

Three sleeping pills. Three sleeping pills for a broken heart.

Did she give a reason?

Pain of separation, she put it down to.

Should have tried it from my side!

Anyway, couple of days later, a geezer comes up to me.

Heard I'd had a Dear John. He'd had one the week before.

What, this is your chef mate, yeah?

Yeah. We used to sit in my cell, planning our escape.

How we were going to win our women back in an hail of bullets!

See? You can do romance!

And then we realised

that it was easier to have nothing on the outside.

And that's when he taught me how to cook.

Well, thank God for that,