03/01/2014 EastEnders Omnibus

Morning!

Morning. Oh, look, there's the milkman. Hello!

All right?

All right? Yeah. You going to walk me home?

Your fancy woman writing you love letters again?

Can't wait for it to feel more like home. Shut up, Tina. I don't want to share with you!

Yeah, well, I ain't the one who keeps stinking it out, blowing off. Why can't I have my own room, then?

You know why you can't have your own room. Why can't Johnny share?

What if I want to bring a lady home?

What if Johnny wants to bring a lady home? You think I'd bring a lady home here?

What's wrong with bringing a lady home here? Right. That is it. I'm splitting the room.

I'm building a lezzanine.

No-one is building a lezzanine.

Amy's been asking where you were.

So I told her that you'd popped out early.

That'd be a lie, then, wouldn't it?

Can you make sure you pack the nice Roxy before we go to Ibiza, please?

I've dropped my scarf somewhere.

You know she's still sleeping with Carl, don't you?

I don't care. It's the third night in a row that she hasn't even been home.

If she wants to behave like a spoilt cow, it's down to her. I ain't looking out for her any more.

Anyway, doing it your way, you're just going to push her away.

So what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to just pretend?

I've invited Sharon over. Denny's been ill all weekend so I ain't had a chance to see her.

So she's more important now, is she? Sorry, I'm confused.

Does that mean that you and her are back together, then?

Ronnie, it's nothing to do with you.

Well, I'm surprised. Always thought you'd end up with Shirley.

I got your text.

They're not mine. Those ain't your pulling pants? I thought I had some dodgy numbers!

You got a placcy bag? In case Lady Di does...

Mum, I've got a placcy bag. Oi! Mick!

Mum!

That's my boy. Already got his hands on her drawers!

Do you two have to?

Boy's a magnet. Gimme ten minutes, I'm going to come and see you!

You met my parents?

I'm Johnny.

Whitney.

If you ever want to laugh at my laundry...

Had MY eye on that scarf.

That ring.

I know that ring. You looking for something for Ronnie?

No. Why would I do that?

Well, isn't it round now her baby died?

Tomorrow.

I can't even imagine how she's feeling.

Right. I'll leave you to it, yeah? Bye.

That's what she thinks, though, isn't it? She was just narked at me, that's all.

Yeah, well, if your own family think that, Phil... It's not their life, is it? It's mine.

Ours? Listen. Friday night...

Phil. You seen my keys?

Don't worry. I'll get Roxy's.

Friday night...

These things happen. It made me realise...you know. How good we are together.

When we're not fighting.

I'm serious, Sharon. I've not thought about anything else.

So what do you say, you know...?

How about we do this properly and we give it another go, yeah?

Look, will you stop with the angry face

and just tell me what's going on? Peter dumped me. All right?

And don't ask why, cos I don't know.

He dumped you, yeah?

I mean, no! He dumped you?

Do you know what? He wouldn't know a good thing if he saw one, anyway.

Thanks, Dex. I'm off.

Look, heartbreak is... it's part of life.

Yeah, or in your case, most of life.

Phil would rip me to pieces.

Listen, Dex, is...she all right?

What do you think?

Why is life so flipping complicated?

Listen, stop all that. It's New Year's tomorrow, man.

Do you want to go into town? I'd love to.

But it's coming up to the end of the month and you know Phil. He starts collecting, don't he?

Yeah, um...don't get mad but...

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Can we just talk about it? Come on. Come on, come on.

No, your sister has been walking around splashing my cash.

What, and you don't think I'm mad at her as well?

Hold on. Cindy! Cindy! She lied to us.

She lied to our face. Cindy!

She's not in, she's gone to our gran's.

Do you know what? I'm going back to get all the wages that's been taken off me. No, don't! Don't, please.

My dad's going to sort it out. What do you mean, your dad's going to...? He...Phil...doesn't know.

I was looking to borrow your keys. Yeah, well, you had no right.

What if Amy had found it? Amy doesn't go snooping in my bag!

What about Phil?

Where did you get it, Roxy? Did Carl give it to you?

Look, he slipped it in a Christmas card. Made a little joke about snow.

Have you forgotten what you were like?

Oh, come on, that was years ago.

It was awful. I don't want to see you going back there again.

OK. You know what? It is really no big deal. It's just a bit of fun.

Is that why we left Ibiza, was it? Because you were having fun?

You're the one that wants to take me back there. Not so you can do that.

Look, will you just chill out, all right? I didn't take it.

It wouldn't be in the bag if I took it, would it?

I'm sorry.

I've got punters here. Customers. Clients. And I've got a tap that's leaking. Um, Billy?

This one's in George Street. No, it's Gregory Street.

I just wondered, since Janine was away... You want a job, go to the Jobcentre.

I've got to get back to the salon.

If I have to sort my own plumber out, I won't be very happy. OK.

I just thought you might need an extra pair of hands. I'm fine.

New Year's Eve party. First drink's on the house.

At the Vic? I'm Mick.

Just taken it over. I'm Sadie. I run the salon round the corner.

This is my husband, Jake.

Nice to meet you, pal. Pleasure. Tell your girls there's a babe magnet behind the bar.

Free kisses at midnight! Dad!

A babe magnet? Thought that was me. See you.

Thanks for this. See you there. Lovely to meet you.

Oh, look, two minutes and she's pulled!

She's as bad as you.

He's not usually like this.

Going to go and hand out some more of these. Good boy.

Alfie. Have you seen Peter?

He ain't in the cafe.

Just...market regulations, can't have him away from the stall for that long.

Oi, whoa! Dogs today, eh?

I blame the parents.

She doesn't want DVDs, she wants you.

I was walking past the pawnbroker's shop.

You know, the one on Turpin Road, this morning and there it was.

Dad's ring.

And you bought it?

I've no idea why. I just saw it. And I thought...

It's kind of weird. You know. Just to have it.

And remember him. What he was like.

I gave that ring away.

I gave it away to some homeless person because I wanted...it...

I wanted that man out of our lives.

Well, the homeless person clearly wanted the cash.

This is what he does. This is what he does.

He brings us trouble. There's no trouble.

I'm going to get rid of it.

Ron, I don't know. I'm going to get rid of it.

And then we're going to go to Ibiza.

And we're going to have some fun.

And this...

Dad, everything, the last few days, will just be a bad memory.

OK?

Yes. OK.

Where are you going?

Are you going to help me later at R?

What, with a head like mine? I need...um...caffeine.

And then a walk. And then more caffeine.

I love you, Roxy.

I know. I know.

I love you, too.

You wear a lot of different-sized clothes.

I've got a big family. With big pants.

I told you, they're not mine!

Service wash, please.

You'll have to wait until tomorrow, cos I'm absolutely snowed under.

What's your name? Pennant. Danny Pennant.

Yes, well, it looks as though everybody's wearing their Christmas dinner

down their fronts this year.

This'll be eight quid when you come in. Ta. Ta.

Was he just eyeballing me?

He'd flirt with a lamp post, him.

No animals allowed!

My humblest apologies. I've just come in here to pick up

young Casanova over there.

Give me two minutes. Can't say he don't know how to spoil a girl, eh?

I'm sorry but Mr Opopop... he don't like animals.

I couldn't leave a few of these on your counter, could I?

What are they? If you pop in later, I'll give you a little something for your trouble.

I'm Mick Carter, new landlord of the Vic.

I'm Dorothy Branning - Mrs. How do you do?

Local legend.

First drink's on the house.

Sorry to break up this little romance but liven yourself up.

Dad!

She ain't here. Don't you ever, ever give my sister drugs again.

I don't know what you're talking about. You just don't care about anyone, do you?

What, and you're Florence Nightingale? She's my sister.

Do you want to find out what I'd do to protect her?

Are you threatening me?

If I find out that she's taken anything...

If I even find a hint... She's a big girl, Veronica.

..I'll have you thrown back inside before you know it.

Yeah? So why haven't you done it then?

Stay away from my sister.

In fact, you stay away from the entire Mitchell clan.

Oh, here we go. The Mitchell family theme tune.

Except I ain't listening.

Your sister, she's a lot of fun.

And I like fun.

Get out of my flat.

Good night, was it?

Oh, my head! My head's still banging.

So what are you drinking coffee for, then?

All right?

I didn't realise you still...

Carol's off. And...can't live on air, can you? No.

Listen, I was wondering...

I mean, I don't suppose you...

I mean, I could do with an extra pair of...

I thought you were fine?

Oh, I am. I am.

Please, Luce, come back.

I'll go change.

I'll come with you.

It's not fair on Dexter.

Do it...do it tomorrow, yeah?

Excuse me, can I speak to my sister, please?

Things are a bit quiet over there and... Well, I was thinking...

What you said earlier.

And? Well, about...you and me.

KNOCK ON DOOR

I... I swear. I didn't know anything about it.

I swear, Roxy.

On your life?

I thought you might be there.

All right? I was upset about earlier.

I told you. I wanted a coffee. I know. I know, I just thought...

Anyway, you weren't there. And that's when he did it.

That's when he made a move on me.

If you're making this up...

At first I thought he was joking. And I laughed it off.

But then he grabbed me.

I pushed him away and he grabbed me again.

Are you trying to tell me that he...? No.

No. But he was holding my hair, he was looking at me

and telling me how much I wanted it.

I can't believe he would do this.

If he's trying it with me...I bet he's trying it with other people. But my sister?

She took my money? He really didn't know.

And you? You let your mate take the rap for it, yeah?

I've replaced what she spent. Ten grand. It's all there. I swear, Phil.

I bet you put her up to do it, didn't you?

No! Getting Cindy to steal from me! Phil...

Bet you've been laughing at me for all these months, ain't you? No, I didn't know! Ian wouldn't do that.

Getting a kid to do that! Phil, I swear to you... Yeah, and Phil believes you.

And he's grateful you've brought his money back.

Well, you're lucky. You're lucky I'm in a good mood.

Now go on. Sling your hook, the pair of you.

There was a time you'd have put his head straight down the toilet.

You, er...you didn't finish what you were saying.

Do I really have to spell it out?

I know I said you could come in and sign the contracts

but I can't let you live there if someone's already living there.

But they weren't living there earlier on.

Yes, I know it's not good form.

It's my fault. Could you just hang on a second, please?

Hello? Hi. I'm terribly sorry, this must be so frustrating for you.

It's Gregory Street, yeah? OK.

Well, I have another two-bedroom flat there.

Yeah, you will love it. Trust me.

We got any crisps? Course we've got some crisps. You want me to get you some crisps?

Let the boy get his own crisps! Get the lady a vodka, yeah? Customer.

If he was away in Afghanistan,

she'd be outside the base cooking his dinner every night.

Jake's exactly the same with Bella. Spoils her rotten.

Come on, boys and their mums. Dads and their daughters.

On the house.

Here, Shirley, you never told me you had no brother.

He come in today with his dog, who's very lovely

but hardly appropriate for an establishment what does laundry

and he tells me he's taken over as landlord here.

Yeah. He said he came in with Lady Di.

That's the dog? Lady Di.

The royal family was hardly put on earth for your cheap mockery.

Nah, it's my mum. She loves Lady Di. Got a wedding mug and everything.

People round here laid flowers for her. They'll hardly be very pleased.

Then they'll be happy to see her memory live on.

I reckon she ought to be left to rest in peace.

This is my wife, Linda.

How many more of 'em are there?

Like flies, ain't we? Who's she?

Let me get you a drink, Dot.

Mrs Branning, if you don't mind. And I'm not that parched.

Pint, please.

Nice to have a good-looking guy working behind the bar for a change.

That ain't really my thing, mate.

What isn't? Compliments?

Right, I've caught up with the invoices.

Need to get them in the post.

Thanks.

Excuse me. What do you think you're doing?

It's probably best for Janine.

You know, if she's planning on keeping this place open.

Which she is planning on.

Yeah. Oh, and there's going to be one more change round here.

Right. What's happening?

You lose a game, you buy a round.

OK. Going to be a cheap evening, innit, eh?

Tel will be all right. He's got a hotel lifestyle, this one.

I'll have you know that is five-star, that B

Look, if you fancy going down the cashpoint, be my guest.

And if you miss a shot, you have a drink.

Hope you guys can handle it!

You get my boy drunk...

Now now, Wonder Woman. Darts and pints. It's a bloke thing.

Right, boys? Watch and learn, watch and learn. Here we go...

Oh, hello.

Aw, no! Coo-ee!

Go on, girl, go on!

Bloke thing, yeah?

Go on, then. Step up, step up.

Easy. Mind your eyes.

Roxy. Where've you been? I've been trying to call you.

Is it true?

Right, I'm off. See you in the morning, boss.

I never said he could...!

Billy.

Maybe then we can work out which one of those empty flats

you want me to keep an eye on.

I'm sure we'll work something out.

Here, this is for you.

I wanted to say thank you for picking up my washing.

Ooh!

It was nothing.

Most blokes would have stuck around to help me iron it but... maybe next time.

Oh! Some washing for you, darling, OK! Right, here we go!

I thought, "Just cos he don't drink

"and if we're having a romantic night in..."

I was just telling Linda.

Me and Phil are going to give it another go.

Well, he practically begged me. And it just felt right.

Well, you gotta go with your heart. I'm sure you'll find someone else, Shirley. Even at your age.

I told Phil you'd say yes...

when I turned him down.

Clinging to memories, yeah?

No. Last Friday. Some of us don't go back, Sharon,

even though he practically begged me.

Oi! Don't look back.

Oi.

Oi! Can't you see what she's doing? What I'm doing?

Haven't you got a club to run? She's my sister, Carl. My sister.

D'you think I was hoping she'd jump into bed and give me a quick one before you got home?

Don't you dare take the mickey out of me. Or maybe that you'd be back so you could join in.

Get your hands off her.

She's not happy. She doesn't want you to see me.

I said, "Let her go!"

How do you know that? She told me. Can't you see what he's doing?

It's convenient, ain't it, that all of a sudden I'm after her?

I knew you'd deny it.

You think if I was going to cheat on you, I'd do it with your sister?

Oh, believe what you want. If you can't trust me, I'm out.

Just when I thought you couldn't stoop any lower.

Carl. Don't play me.

I'm not playing you. From what you've told me about her,

she's the mother of all mind games. Me? She wouldn't do that.

No?

Not to me.

This is ridiculous.

Who do you believe? Me? Or that?

I am no-one's second choice!

What's she said? Oh, you know who I'm talking about, then?

I don't know what she's told you...

You chose her. Her!

And when she said no, you just thought I'd come running.

Well, you did, didn't you? Don't laugh at me, Phil.

Sharon, no-one's laughing at you.

I thought you were serious. I thought you meant it. And I do.

What, cos you couldn't have what you really wanted? I don't see the problem.

She is! She's the problem.

This ain't about Shirley, is it?

No, you're right. You're right.

This is about you.

No, it's about us.

And me being stupid enough to trust you!

Sharon... I'm nobody's rebound.

No! You're joking? Yeah. And you see Phil, he's going to have to give me back all them wages he took off me.

Of all the people to take it... Cindy?

That's what I'm saying. Abi and Jay are going to go mad.

Do you know what, though, I'm going to take you somewhere nice, somewhere really nice.

Look, just as friends.

Peter ain't said anything about me and him, has he?

Like why, maybe?

You all right?

Go on, Johnny.

Here we go. Here we go.

Mate, that is minging. You couldn't score in a girls' netball team.

I could. Drink. Drink. I bet you have, though, ain't you?

I've scored in a girls' netball team. Twice. Go on, girl!

I think I'm going to... Go on, son!

He's got you right where he wants you, hasn't he, eh?

How stupid am I?

After all these years, I still trust you.

I still think you're going to put me first.

He is going to destroy you, Roxy.

Yeah, if I let him.

You know, you were like this with me and Sean.

Sean. Another one of your great decisions.

I loved him! I loved him and you couldn't handle it.

What are you talking about? He nearly killed you!

You ruined me and Sean, you ruined me and Alfie.

Alfie? That was me as well, was it?

Cos you're jealous.

You're jealous cos I've got a man and you haven't.

You know what, Ron, you should keep that ring.

Roxy... Yeah. Cos you know something? You and Dad.

You're just the same.

I'm OK.

Don't go.

I'm going to check he's all right. Leave it.

I told you what would happen.

Just let him get some air.

I've got rum. You've got rum? Yeah. I'll have some rum.

If I'd have known you wanted some action...

Let me guess what you're doing.

You're taking Roxy to Ibiza.

You surprised? You know how she leaves things lying around.

It's not hard to check her bag.

Check her phone, check her e-mail.

Don't go packing a toothbrush, yeah?

Cos let me promise you one thing, Ronnie.

She won't be getting on that plane.

Was you serious?

About what?

The good-looking barman thing.

Yeah. I was serious.

To bring in the new year.

Oh! I get champagne? You get EVERYTHING.

Paris. Paris?

Tomorrow. I've booked it. Champagne in the suite. Restaurant booked.

Shoe shops open again on Thursday - I checked.

So, it's a date? Oui?

Oui? My French is a bit rusty! ROXY CHUCKLES

How about this one? Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?

Oh, I know what that means!

PHONE VIBRATES

Hi, Roxy, it's me. Look I'm really sorry about before, but...

can you call me back? I really need you today.

Your boat reminds me. Must keep Lady Di on a leash tonight,

cos of the fireworks. Ha, ha, ha! Funny!

What you growling at her for? Girl's World, I ain't.

Phil's welcome to it. Well, Tina said you were serious about him once.

Yeah, I was when he had the pub.

Phil's looks improve with free drinks attached.

It does do New Year round here, don't it?

Yeah! Walford loves a good party.

CAR HORN BEEPS

How long you going to sulk for, eh?

2014? '15? '16?

Oh, really think you're special, don't you? Well, I have my moments.

You think I'll be grateful?

For some bald, clapped-out pain in the backside...

I know, I know, I know, recovering alcoholic. Dodgy ticker. But, er,

above average in bed.

Come on, Sharon. Pack, yeah?

Move in. I'll pick you and Denny up in an hour.

So you just click your fingers and I fall at your feet? Well, what d'you want?

Dating? Wooing? Like you'd know how!

You had a better offer? Or are you going to spend New Year's Eve home alone?

The Vic...actually.

Erm, I was just wondering when you're going.

I seen the teddy and I thought it must be... Yeah. It's for James.

It's for James.

Oh. It's nice. I seen you with it outside earlier.

So? I just assumed you must be going to the grave.

Well, I'm not going. Well, why? What's made you change your mind?

And I've a night off from being sensible.

Denny's staying with a mate.

A mate? Uh-huh. How lovely, he's got a friend!

So, he's settling down now, is he?

Yeah. Yeah, he's fine.

Not getting on with your electric cig, then?

No, I'm sorry, it don't work.

Have you still got the receipt for it?

Cos you'll have to take it back. Look, I'll show you. Give it here.

OK. Right.

Oh! You don't light it, Dot! Why not?

I mean, you said to use it like a normal cigarette!

What else do I do with it? What're you laughing at, Sharon?

DOT TUTS You are a naughty girl!

Look, isn't there a party or something you should be going to?

It is New Year's Eve.

You were on your own that night, weren't you?

That New Year's Eve?

I really don't want to discuss that with you.

It must have been so hard? Lola, I think you should go.

I was thinking, maybe we could go down to the flower stall.

Maybe get a little white bunch of flowers made up?

It's just, if me and Lexi are coming,

we'd like to bring a little something....

If we're quick, we can still catch the flower stall.

So, I can smoke this in the Vic, can I?

I don't have to go outside, catch me death?

Technology, Dot. It's moved on. Oh!

If you turn your back for a minute, they computerise everything.

Sometimes I daren't sit still in case they computerise me!

You are irreplaceable, Dot. Really.

Yeah, but not everything's irreplaceable, is it, Sharon?

I mean, feelings.

There ain't no electronic gadget in place of them.

What you going to do about him?

I don't know. I think he had his chance years ago.

He don't deserve a second one.

I know what it's like to live with someone whose heart ain't in it.

He's not like your Dennis.

Maybe I'll never have that again.

Oh, I hate New Year, Dot. Brings it all back.

I know.

I miss him such a lot. He was a lovely friend to me.

But there are some men out there like him.

Just be careful, eh, Sharon?

(Yeah.)

Can we only have a couple in the Vic, then move on? I'm NOT watching him mope over Lola all night.

You know what boys are like. Couple of drinks in 'em, they'll be snogging someone else's face off.

Apparently, it's a New Year's superstition -

on the first day you've got to bring a piece of coal into the house.

Way I'm feeling I could eat a bag of coal right now. Yeah?

And a saveloy. What we need is luck with this one.

No worries, sweetheart. We make our own luck, don't we?

I've been thinking about him today - James.

Ronnie? Shall we go?

This ain't a party. This place needs music.

This place needs a Ouija board. Don't worry, it'll liven up.

Beautiful. One on there. Ugh! Get a room.

Get a man! You getting changed?

Are you? Johnny?

Ain't told me why you had it on your toes last night before last orders.

I was tired. You lightweight! Stay till the midnight bell tonight.

The ladies of Walford expect.

They got me! Not feeling ill are you, sausage?

Maybe I should run you a bath. Bit old to be Mummy's boy, ain't he?

Childcare tips from you? I think Johnny pulled.

Face. Guilt. Who was it?

What? Her?

Premier League, my son, Premier League.

Don't say nothing to her.

LEXI BABBLES

Listen...thanks for today. It really meant a lot.

Yeah? I hope you're going to be OK.

Yeah.

Come on, then. Say, "Bye!" Bye.

You working here now? Ah, yeah.

Kim pulled a bloke in a kebab queue last week. Oh, romantic!

Oh, no, she's in love. She flew off to Magaluf with him,

leaving me with a begging note to cover her shifts for her.

Lucky you! Ian not wining and dining you, then?

What? And give up a night raking in a 30% mark up?

I don't think so! You ain't on a date, then?

Long story. Fancy telling it over a drink?

Yeah, go on. Come on.

Mrs B, I know you don't drink, but maybe just the one?

No, I've had bubbles up my nose all afternoon.

Come on, just one? Oh, all right, I'll have fizzy water,

and you can put a drop of elderflower cordial in it.

Put it in a wine glass, stick a cherry in it,

and it'll look festive. OK.

Come on, Dot, come and join us.

Ooh!

Trying to get me drunk? Maybe.

Pouring away my profits? Sucker for beautiful women, ain't we, son?

Oh, in my experience....

Mrs Branning? Sherry, ain't it?

Large?

Oh, I never touch alcohol, except for medicinal purposes.

"Be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess..."

Only I felt we got off on the wrong foot earlier.

Well, paw, to be exact.

Well, the royal family ain't to be laughed at.

I'm a royalist!

You don't sound like it! I mean, they ain't even pretty dogs.

Bulldogs? They're beautiful dogs. Kind, gentle, they love kids.

And I loved her. July 1st. Princess Di's birthday. And mine.

Proper lady she was.

It's only a computer.

So, I'm thinking a couple in here and then we kick out, yeah?

We've just got here. Yeah, I know. But we're on a timetable.

Yeah. A Lola timetable. And you know it's bros before...

Well, the mandem are going to be rolling with you tonight

and the girls are going to have a drink together.

Poppy would have gone with them, but her wisdom tooth's flared up..

And Lola's on her way here now to meet the girls, so...

So we need to stay.

Stay in? Watch Abi and Jay play happy families,

babysitting every toddler in the Square?

Can't I just spend New Year's with you? We'll make up, yeah?

Max! New Year's Eve? Shouldn't you be marrying someone about now?

Yes, handsome? Yes, please. Orange juice.

Two orange juices. Sherry for Dot.

And a pint of cyanide for that one, please.

Made your New Year resolutions yet? Yeah, I have, as it goes.

Stay single. Cuts down on the in-laws.

That's nice. That? Present.

From a boyfriend? You ask so many questions.

More champagne? Is that a better question?

No, actually, cos I've got to go home. But, er, thank you.

But there's going to be kisses at midnight... See you later.

She seems nice. Yeah.

Yeah, she is. Deserves someone decent.

Which my son is. But then, he had a decent family.

Bartender?

Same again, please, treacle. You know what I like.

Johnny. A word, upstairs.

Drinking alone? No. With my daughter. Cheers.

Why not with me? For old times' sake? I ain't doing anything with you. For no sake.

You all right?

Yeah, yeah, just... I'm happy it's picked up.

Smoking's illegal. She's done time, you know.

Confiscate that, thank you. Filthy habit.

Oh, I thought it was me robot!

It was your fault I was in court last time.

Last? What, do you get nicked a lot?

Once. Drugs. Wacky baccy wasn't it, Dot?

Oh, Billy, how could you? That was just a misunderstanding!

Just... Just try and stay legal.

I saw you last night.

I'm not blind and I'm not stupid. And I don't care who you snog!

Look, I don't know what you think you saw... Secrets - they don't work.

Not in this family. And Whitney, she's a decent girl.

Don't go dragging her into your lies. Ain't lying.

Why don't you just tell them that you prefer boys?

I don't! Johnny, it will be OK.

Johnny? What's wrong?

What's going on? I'm OK, Mum.

Linda, Johnny. We've got a party to run.

Mick, there's... Whatever it is, I can't deal with it.

Not today.

Nancy?

How am I going to tell Linda that tomorrow, our little girl

is getting married to a man we hate?

Paris?!

Ronnie, look, I'm sorry about James. I really am.

I didn't get your message in time. Roxy, wait.

Look, Carl is dangerous!

Ronnie, I love you.

OK? But please, please, let me take this chance.

Let me take this chance to be happy.

What about us? What about our holiday in Ibiza?

Just stop it! Just stop controlling me!

Ron, look, I need a break from my life.

OK?

I need a break from us.

# Is this the way to Amarillo?

# Every night, I'm hugging my pillow... #

Look at her. Making a fool of herself.

# And sweet Marie who waits for me... #

Gorgeous, ain't he, my man? Still gives me fireworks.

Yeah, well, keep hold of him, darling, cos all the men round here are like a damp squib.

Present company excepted, yeah?

Aw, she is gorgeous. Why do women like that date nutters?

That Carl comes in here, you tell me, yeah?

Why have him when she could have me?

# Sha-la-la, la-la, la, la, la... #

Who's smoking?

She is!

You reprobate, Dot!

That's it. I've had enough. What?

All innocent, but underneath it's all Oceans Elevenses, ain't it?

I know your sort. Sort? I've never been so insulted!

Give me that back - it's me electronic.

No, it's a real one. You should stop smoking. It's a filthy habit. Go on. Out.

Out? You whippersnapper!

I've been coming here since before you was born...

You're drunk. I am not drunk! You're legless.

Listen, take her home. Take her home, bless her. Take her home.

We'll go back to hers - she's got some sherry.

You will not have one drop of my sherry, Mo Slater.

'Arris.

Come on, the pair of you. Come on, girls.

Mr Carter...?

Hey. You got a minute?

Several. Ah....

You're not drunk as well, are you?

Tipsy. You know how I like to spend my New Year...

Well, we've got a bar full of punters

and I can barely raise a smile after last night's drinking. Aw!

Well, I'm going to put my Christmas present on...

Wonder what's happening over at the Vic.

It'll be quiet.

Dot'll have her sweet sherry, ask for her war tunes.

You can go if you want. What you talking about? Shut up! Leave you?

Nah, this is, like, the calm isn't it, before the crying,

and the broken nights, and the screaming,

and the demands for a bottle...

It's going to be months before this one's here!

I was actually talking about Mo!

You think it'll fit? I meant to do the 5:2...

Oh, yeah, it'll fit, baby.

And what do I get?

Ian promising me he's going to spend one more minute with me.

And you? You get him?

Know what your New Year's resolution should be?

To tell him to go and take a hike.

Into his man cave!

Max! See? He is terrible, you know.

Listen, Pete, what you saying? Shall we just leave, then?

I'm thinking I've made the biggest mistake of my life.

Phil. You've got to help me get Carl away from Roxy.

Why do I have to fight her battles?

I sold this gaff to spite her last boyfriend -

I ain't getting involved in this one.

She's got a problem, you sort it out.

Fine.

Heard your family bought this place. Put them back.

Oh, Shirley. I hate it when we argue.

What one is he?

CARL: I've bought some champagne. Mick!

Happy New Year.

No, no, no, sorry.

Have some class.

Got a light? Yeah.

Here you go. You ain't welcome here.

Says who? Me.

This your backing band?

This is my family.

And what you did to my family, my sister, makes me angry.

So you're going to leave. I don't take orders, big man.

You do now.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Try. Please. Mick...

See you tomorrow. Sweet.

Right. Come on then, Walford. Let's have it!

One final offer.

Thinks he's some sort of gangster. He's a cardboard cut out.

Bless him. He's only little. He won't bother you now I'm here.

Thanks, Mick.

I'm sorry I weren't here last time.

You've had no-one, you've had no family.

Not since Hev, no. She would've been on that karaoke all night!

You're missing the party.

Did you ever play her our karaoke song? I made her do the dance.

Has this lot ever heard it? No.

You ask. What is our aim?

It is to make Shirley Carter smile. No, Mick, no.

We will fight this war... No, I ain't going to do it!

..with karaoke. No, I don't want to do it!

What do you want? I'm, er, wooing you. As ordered.

I'll get my own, then.

Ah! Masood! You'll have a drink with me, won't you?

Oh, no, I was just popping in to buy Carol a bottle of champagne...

Linda, a couple of glasses of your finest fizz, please.

I don't drink. I'll drink yours. Er, OK.

Lola. Lola, wait. What, Peter?

Go and celebrate with your mates! How can I celebrate without you?

Well, that was your choice, weren't it? Yeah, it was a stupid choice.

Please just let me explain.

What is it? I'm good enough for you now - is that it?

I know I don't deserve you to forgive me. No, you don't.

Please, if you just give me a minute?

Let me explain why I HAD to do it? Please?

Mick, I don't want to do it. Don't embarrass me!

Ladies and gentlemen, live at the Vic,

I give you Miss Shirley Carter! Go on, girl, get up there!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Wimoweh, Wimoweh, Wimoweh,

# Wimoweh, Wimoweh, Wimoweh, Wimoweh... #

Go on, Shirl, that's it, girl!

# Wimoweh, Wimoweh, Wimoweh... #

I love this one!

# In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight

# In the jungle, the mighty jungle... # Beautiful!

# The lion sleeps tonight... #

What is this? Bruv, no idea, but I'm not involved.

Go on, Shirl, that's it, girl!

Right, well, have fun...

Ain't you going to buy me a drink back? Er... Yes!

Phil. You seen Carl? No.

# In the village, the peaceful village, the lion sleeps tonight

MICK JOINS IN # In the village, the peaceful village, the lion sleeps... #

Forgive me?

Yo, yo, does that look like a "Happy New Year's Eve,

"I just want to be friends" type of kiss right there, bro?

Nope.

Hey, Dex...

It's ?5,000.

To stay away from my sister.

RONNIE SCREAMS

It's not enough, Ronnie.

It's not enough.

# Don't fear, my darling, the lion sleeps tonight... #

THEY HOWL

I'm 45 next month.

Old.

A very attractive woman. Ian's a very lucky man.

Ian?

Denise? What's wrong?

Everything.

# In the village, the peaceful village

# The lion sleeps tonight... #

You want to be with her? Be with her.

I don't. You can't take your eyes off her.

It's three people singing about a lion, innit?

No. No, this is you showing your true colours.

I spent my life watching my dad go from woman to woman.

I'm not going from woman to woman. Me and Shirley, we've been over years!

Sharon, 20 years I've wanted to be with you, ever since that first day that I kissed you.

I want to wake up with you in the morning. I want to wake up with you every morning.

Why else would I ask you to move in, hey?

How do I know you're telling the truth?

Because if I didn't love you...

I wouldn't do this.

# Wimoweh, Wimoweh, Wimoweh... #

RONNIE SCREAMS

You think you're something special, Ronnie? Do you?

You think you're something special?

Let me tell you something. You, you are damaged goods, Veronica!

THEY STRUGGLE AND SHOUT

2013, you have 60 seconds left!

CHEERING

Sharon, start the New Year with me? Please?

Come back to my place? Please?

Yeah. Let's go.

Ain't fair, look. Everyone's copping off except me.

We going to bed or what? I thought you was...?

You told her yet? I couldn't.

LINDA: A toast.

To family.

Most.

Oh! To Lee. To all our boys fighting overseas.

CHEERING

And, most importantly, to the Vic!

CHEERING

Ten! ALL: Nine...eight...

To us. Six...five...four...

To us. Three...two...one!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

To 2014!

Let's have it!

Well, look at us, Ronnie.

We're going to have our own little New Year's Eve together.

Just you and me.

SHE SCREAMS

SHE SOBS

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

PAINKILLERS FIZZ

HE SHOUTS How many eggs, Tine?

HE CLATTERS POTS AND TURNS ON RADIO

Turn it off!

Turn it down!

Finally, my two best birds are agreeing.

HE SHOUTS Tina?

Where's Tina?

Who died?

No, er...

It's Nancy's wedding.

Roxy.

Look, I'm sorry.

It's OK. About the other day...

I mean, I tried to find you last night, but...

this fight kicked off in the club...

It's all right. I had to pick Amy up, anyway.

Carl wants us to get sorted for Paris.

OK.

Ron, he's a really decent bloke if you get to know him.

I'll do that, then.

Denise!

Yeah? You seen Carl?

Er, yeah.

Oh, no. No, sorry.

That's the wrong fella. That was Alfie.

Sorry, that was yesterday. I'm sorry.

I am just saying, if we are going to make this work,

we have got to be realistic, honest...

And I'M just saying, if you're going to move in,

I'm carrying you over the threshold. That's the deal.

Back off, caveman! THEY GIGGLE

We have no secrets. Is that what he said?

That is the deal. That has always been our deal.

What has changed here? For a woman with an 'angover,

you are shouting double loud...

I'll tell you, her! It is her!

My daughter is getting married,

and you told your sister and not your own wife?

Have a look at yourself, Mick! Linda!

I said this weren't going to work.

(MIMICKING) I said this weren't going to work!

I never hid anything from you.

I never have, ever, and you know that, L.

I left the invite downstairs. For all of us.

Past me the post please, boy.

Here you are.

Now, look.

I didn't want to ram it down your throat.

We was busy.

It's New Year. I just wanted to start out nice.

Well, you don't want to go, do you?

No.

No. I do.

Well, I don't, on my tod. That Wayne, he's...

What is it with this Wayne, exactly? Has he got three heads, or something?

Let's put it this way, Shirl, the geezer loves a mirror.

He don't ever get out the bathroom.

You are really going to go, ain't you?

It's her wedding, Mum. It's her...

You two never even missed a sports day.

You still pick us up off the bus if it's raining.

It's Nancy's wedding, Dad.

And she ain't going to let that drop.

She will most probably go and get herself knocked up straight off,

just to prove she ain't bothered.

I'll have an egg.

Well, I can do honest.

Good.

Cos I hate this rug,

Denny's curtains smell of Shirley, and the kitchen needs a dishwasher.

There's a sale on the industrial estate.

Ooh, excellent(!) I'll get my credit card, shall I?

Atta boy!

Admittedly, it's my first day,

but I can see myself really getting into my new blender.

I was never a one for cooked breakfasts.

Greasy sausages full of pigs' lips.

And if I want an egg, like the health book says,

I can have it raw in my protein drink before my smoothie.

Course, it coats your throat with slime,

but after you've finished gagging, it don't taste too bad.

You want to think about a power walk.

Excuse me, I'm trying to do my shopping and I do not need...

Denise?

Let me tell you something, have you seen Carl?

Sorry.

So, um, how did Ian take it?

Sorry?

Look, have you seen Carl, or not?

Look, it's not my fault you keep losing your boyfriend.

We're solid, actually.

What, is he picking fights and letting the phone ring out?

He's moved on, darling.

Oi, oi, oi, why are you here anyway?

I don't mean in Walford, I mean in the world.

I want to go home.

Seriously.

Let's just pack the whole lot in, because I've absolutely had it.

Don't be so stupid.

I'm not. We have given our daughter everything.

EVERYTHING! And it still ain't good enough.

Cos what do we get back?

Grief. Dramas.

Little missy hissy fits.

That's not true. D'you know how long it took me

to clear out Nancy's bedroom at the old place?

Lugging it all over here on the off chance.

You know I wanted to skip it.

If it was down to me, I'd have binned the lot.

Are you ready?

SHIRLEY: I'm coming!

This is your home now, L.

I had dreams, Mick.

About what Nancy's wedding day would be like.

Bridesmaids dresses and choosing the flowers.

It's supposed to take months of planning.

I'm meant to be sat on the front row wearing a hat,

having a little cry and worrying about the buffet.

I can't wear these because it looks like I've wet myself.

Give them here, I'll dry them for you.

Nancy has invited you, Linda.

Only so she can throw a strop when I don't go.

Five minutes, and we're going.

How can I get ready when you keep shouting and hollering?

I wish I'd enjoyed it more when they were little.

At least when they were little, you chose who they played with.

You knew where they was.

Back then if Nancy kicked off, you could just throw her

over your shoulder and take her home.

Come here. Listen.

You are the best mum they could ever ask for, L.

Yeah?

The best.

I just wish that you'd just stop banging on and come with us.

Just sit at the back...

..and keep this buttoned.

You don't understand... I do, I do.

But me and you, we can sort anything together, can't we?

Eh?

Right.

And if it's a hat you're after...

ho-ho-ho!

..you've come to the right place.

SHE LAUGHS

Tina.

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year.

Are you not staying for breakfast?

No, work. Oh, right.

Yeah, got it.

OK, make it quick.

Yeah, all right.

Shift over, boy.

Lady Di, in you get. Good girl.

Well, drive, then.

I am just going to sit at the back, Johnny.

And you're going to say nothing. I am not going to say anything.

That'd be a first!

Says do the North Circular.

Nancy is my daughter, Shirley. Just because I don't want to go

don't mean I won't be there for her.

Is it me, or is there a funny smell in this car?

It's you. It's definitely you.

Hangover breath.

SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

You and my sister...

you and my sister have got more in common than you might think.

Anyone - ANYONE - just as long as it's someone.

Why? Why do you always have to put stuff away?

What about your own family, Phil?

We're talking about my sister, your cousin.

She is stuck with the scum that tried to kill you,

you're more interested in dishwashers,

Sharon, somebody else's curtains...

All right, all right, all right!

You want two minutes, fine, you've got two minutes. Now, what?

Come on.

ANSWERPHONE: 'Hello, this is Carl.

'Leave a message, I'll get back to you.'

Hey, Amy.

Me and you are going to go shopping and eat cake and buy clothes,

cos Carl is rubbish at shopping, isn't he? Yes, he is.

Come on, let's go and get our coats...

Yeah? And our bags.

Seriously, Ronnie? Seriously? I mean, are you for real or what, eh?

OK. I get the message.

WE get the message.

Sitting in your car like a pair of lemons.

Shirley said we looked like a right pair of lemons.

If you don't want a dishwasher, all you've got to do is say...

Sharon, there is nothing I would like more than a dishwasher right now.

It's just...just a bit sensitive.

Wow! Mum said you were loaded.

Just get him some curtains, yeah? What, on my own?

Why do you need to find a credit card?

Look, I'm sorry, all right? He's just looking out for me.

It's a bad time of year for me.

Look, I've told you it is rude to talk about money.

Phil sold the pub. This is for the bank.

Don't he know how to go online?

That's enough, cheeky!

And I'll be right there for the dishwasher, OK?

Thanks. All right?

Come on, then, let's go.

You idiot, you stupid idiot!

I know! What, are you and my dad

the only ones that are allowed to see red?

Carl needed a lesson.

Oh, right, so, you hit him? Yes. I hit him.

SHIRLEY: Mick, will you tell her?

If this dog wees on me, I'm going to kick it.

LINDA: You kick my dog, I'll smack your face! MICK: Right!

Now turn it in, the pair of you.

My head is ringing.

Oh, come on!

Us lot. All together.

Just like the old days.

Don't tell me you ain't missed it, girls.

This is an emotional time for a father.

I need you both on-side

while I go and watch my daughter marry a wretch.

We're cutting it fine now. All right, all right!

I tell you what...

you both don't shake hands and shut up,

you're not getting back in this motor.

SHE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

Fine. Ta-ta!

HE STARTS ENGINE

Stop pratting about!

You know I can't walk in these shoes!

He's got my bag. Mick!

Mick, I'm shaking its hand!

I am shaking her rotten hand.

Mick! Mick!

Well?

Why, eh? Why involve me?

You're already involved!

I had to put him somewhere, didn't I?

Don't worry. Nobody noticed, all right?

It's just another bloke falling over on New Year's Eve.

I want normal, Ronnie. I'm doing normal!

No, you're not. You've lost your balls, Phil!

He tried to kill you, don't you remember?

How many times have I told you,

he actually tried to attack me last night.

He is pulling Roxy's strings

like she's some kind of puppet, he's given her drugs.

He is an absolute head-case, all right,

and he is taking us for mugs.

You're just sat back, admiring your Christmas slippers,

and that's not right. Phil!

I came to you because I knew

you'd know what to do.

So, what now?

Eh?

You know there's only one way this can go now, don't you?

Then, you took my hand.

You don't really want me to go over

everything about last night, do you? Just, what did I say?

You said you loved me, Denise.

And that if you had your time again, you would definitely go for me.

SHE STIFLES A LAUGH

Or Phil.

Or Archie, because he was "a bit of a beast."

Or the bin man with the beanie hat.

And then, you spent ten minutes

trying to do the zip up on your jacket

and then we had rather a long conversation

about why they don't put Auld Lang Syne on the jukebox...

Yes. OK, OK. Not, you know, everything, just...

..what did I say about Ian, Masood?

I don't know.

Got any sense, and right now

Johnny'll be snogging a bridesmaid.

You know what they say about Cinderella doing all the work?

You have met my ugly sister?

You want me to tell Johnny you're after him?

Danny!

No, it's not important.

Hello. All right.

For you.

Aw...

I'm allergic...

and a lesbian. Sorry.

Yeah, but me and you, we... I know, I know.

Three bottles of Cava and I can't tell my Mandys from my Andys.

Look, I take these and my skin's going to crawl for weeks.

The only thing that don't make me itch is a sunflower.

And that's just not something you're going to lay your hands on, is it?

Maybe it's a sign.

Maybe you should give your carnations to somebody who

ain't going to come out in a rash.

Well, you said...

lights out and a paper bag over his, you know...

beeping head, and even then, you don't really fancy him.

And if Ian asks you, what he wants for Christmas is...a beep,

and you will take his beeping beep and cut it off.

Because it's not honest, you said.

You would way, way rather be single.

And I said I understand,

and you said, "Right then, it's New Years Eve,"

and you...

..you were going to finish with Ian. Once and for all.

Fresh start. You were going to take control of your life.

I said that?

Mmm. And then you cried and had a kebab.

Finish with Ian, Masood.

As if I'm going to...go and do that.

I don't even like kebabs, Masood.

Look, we...

we don't have to talk about this again.

OK?

Thanks.

Phil! What? What, eh?

What are you suggesting?

I mean, you drag me into this

and now you don't like the way I'm dealing with it, hey?

Look at him. Look at him, Ronnie!

The scrap yard?

He attacked a woman. He attacked you, didn't he?

He messed with my cousin's head.

You tried to muscle in on my business, didn't ya, eh?

Do you know what?

If could be bothered, I'd untie your hands and let you have a fair fight.

But when, Carl, eh?

When did you ever let anyone have a fair fight, eh?

Never.

Now this has been a long time coming.

A long time coming.

You put me in hospital, eh?

You threatened my boy.

You threatened my boy while he's banged up.

Phil, Phil, Phil, stop it!

What are you going to do? You're going to get blood on the floor!

Get a grip, Phil! He's pathetic.

You're pathetic! Do you know that?

You got low self-esteem, have you, Carl?

You got a screwed up attitude when it comes to women?

Have you got issues with your mummy, Carl?

What is it with you men?

What is it with you men? You're all the same.

You are so desperate, you're so desperate to rule the world.

You've got all that aggression.

God, you're so predictable.

What do you think, Carl?

Do you want the scrap yard?

No, I don't think so.

I don't think so. I think that would be a waste of a perfectly good car.

I think you're going to say you're sorry.

And then I'm going to untie your hands

and I'm going to walk you to the tube.

Do me a favour!

And if you ever...

if you ever come back to Walford again...

Are you listening to me, Carl? Listen very carefully.

If you ever come near me or my sister again, I swear to you,

I won't need him.

I will cut off your little boys' toys with a blunt knife

and I'll wear them as earrings.

OK, Carl?

Go on, then, say it.

Go on, say it!

I'm sorry.

Good boy.

LOUD MUSIC IN DISTANCE

LINDA: Mick...

Oh, no, this can't be it! It's disgusting!

Oh, it's vile.

SHIRLEY: Don't know what you're moaning about.

Looks like the place where me and Kev had our reception.

LINDA SCOFFS Linda!

It's doing that thing with its leg!

I ain't saying nothing. I said I wouldn't say anything.

I'm not saying one thing. Leave Lady Di in the haddock.

It's doing that thing with its leg again...

Well, then, she must need a pony.

Just make sure you pick it all up.

And don't get any under your fingernails,

cos it's a killer to get out. What?

And don't double lock this, she'll set the alarm off.

Get out!

What am I supposed to do with a bag of pony? Hurry up!

I dunno. You got her a wedding present yet, or..?

HE LAUGHS

You heard him, hurry up!

LOUD MUSIC AND CHEERING INSIDE

Right. Are you ready for this?

THEY WHOOP AND SHOUT LOUD DRUM AND BASS MUSIC

Again, if I could ask for quiet.

Thank you. Nancy?

I know not of any lawful impediment.

I know not of any lawful impediment.

Why I, Nancy Carter.

Why, I Nancy Carter.

May not be joined in matrimony to Wayne Ladlow.

THEY WHOOP

May not be joined in matrimony to Wayne Ladlow.

And now, Wayne...

Yeah.

I do solemnly declare.

I do solemnly declare.

That I know not of any lawful impediment.

That I know not of any lawful impediment.

Why I, Wayne Ladlow.

THEY WHOOP

Sorry, sorry, sorry, yeah.

Why I, Wayne Ladlow, you don'know.

May not be joined in matrimony to Nancy Carter.

May not be joined in matrimony to Nancy.

Nancy!

Dad?

No offence, Wayne.

It's just, you know, it's your attitude.

What are you talking about, bruv? What are you doing?

Dad get off me! Get off of me!

Put me down!

Put me down!

Quick, quick!

Now, listen, Mummy's going to be back in one second.

You go up the stairs and you don't move, OK?

Ask no questions and I will tell you no lies.

SHE LAUGHS See?

I've got connections, Tina.

And a very open mind, know what I mean?

I'm still a lesbian, Billy.

Bi now, gay later ain't my bag.

The only way you and me is going to get it on again is if

I'm so hammered I'm falling over.

It's OK.

Don't suppose you fancy a glass of wine, do you? My shout.

SHE GIGGLES

He won't go. He's going.

You played me, didn't you?

Come on, Phil, I didn't play you.

At least we know you're not a complete eunuch.

It's good to know, isn't it, at your age?

He won't go.

He's already gone.

Listen. What do you want to do?

Do you want to wave goodbye to him?

Look, I'm going to go and take care of Roxy

and it's about time Amy got some attention.

PHIL SIGHS

Phil!

Look, he's gone. Really.

Oh, look, I know I might have overdone

the whole good cop, bad cop routine, all right,

but he's got the message.

Carl White knows if he ever steps foot back in Walford again,

he is a dead man walking.

He ain't got the bottle.

Don't ever compare me to the Old Bill again.

Not even as a joke.

All right. The lengths some blokes will go

to get out of buying a dishwasher.

HE LAUGHS

NANCY: You don't tell me what to do!

Fascist!

Do you miss it?

Yeah, right like an hole in the head!

KAT LAUGHS

Told you didn't I, Linda? Tina could cope.

The place ain't burned to the ground, Shirley.

In the normal world, that is not something we celebrate.

Yes. I seen it. Ain't it lovely?

When's the next train? Upstairs.

Where's the husband, Nance?

Ain't you heard of bin bags?

Oh, yeah, happy new year, Linda(!) Not a problem(!)

I am not disabled, I can walk up the stairs by myself!

I am only in here, Shirley, to get warm,

cos my electric fire's conked out.

Shut your ears. That Linda is one well moody mare.

I'm going for a kip.

I should get those bin bags and shove them right...

Stuck here, I never even got an invite.

Oh, my head! No, you were on the invitation.

Where is the new husband?

Not good enough, apparently.

No, really. Just as long as it's available.

Listen, anything is absolutely fine just as long as it drives

and you can get it to the airport for me this evening.

Yeah.

No, a little run-around is absolutely fine.

Listen, can you make sure it's got a booster seat in it?

Great.

No, that's great.

Thank you.

Yep, hold on a second.

Do you, erm...

do you want the long card number?

Yep, it... DOOR CREAKS

GATE BANGS

Sorry, it's, erm...

It's 4929...

1800 6241.

And the expiry date is 10/18.

BRANCH SNAPS UNDERFOOT OUTSIDE