29/12/2013 EastEnders Omnibus

I heard you up and about in the night.

Perhaps you should've had one of your sleeping tablets, eh?

Where are you going? I've got to get to work, ain't I?

You know the things I told you about Michael?

That is going to stay between me and you. We're going to keep that between us?

Because if it ever got out, my life would be over and Scarlett's life...

Janine! Just promise me.

I'm not going to say anything.

Say it. Say you promise.

I promise on my mother's grave, OK? That good enough for you?

If it was me, I'd probably use it.

I'd find my moment and then I'd use it.

I'm not going to say a word.

Come on, think about the Vic.

You really think things are going to be good again?

Course I do. You're going home, Janine.

So. We're actually going to do this then?

Yeah. We're actually going to do it.

You know they're going to say no.

Think positive.

Yeah, this is me thinking positive.

Look at Pops, he's already made a mess of things.

But this is what we want though, yeah?

Us together on Christmas Day.

Yes, of course it is. But it's the Mitchells and the Beales.

It's you and me. Come on.

Yes, all right. Yes, we can do this.

We can totally do this. Peter...

SHE GIGGLES

Maybe... Maybe we need...

We should have a plan B.

Plan B. You know, just in case.

Dad! The lights have gone again.

You're having a laugh, ain't ya?

I wish I was.

Nan. How do you spell "nunchucks?"

Hmm? You can't ask Father Christmas for nunchucks.

Nan?

Nan?

Nan? Why are you sad? Do you miss Granddad?

I do too.

Can I just have a bit of peace and quiet please?

How we going to do this without a proper chimbley?

Chimney. That's what I said.

Tel! Down here!

That'll have to wait.

Right, we're going to burn 'em in this, OK?

Nothing says Christmas like burning stuff in a bucket, does it, eh?

Yeah, and Mum threw up in that once.

ALL: Urgh!

The lights have gone again. Yeah, I know. It's the fuse.

I'm trying to fix it. You said that last time.

Yeah, it'll be all right. Right, come on, let's have a look, then.

Spud, what you got? Right.

"Dear Father Christmas, please can I have some turkey,

"roast potatoes, them little sausage things in bacon, some..."

I don't think you're quite grasping the concept of this, darling.

You said to write what I wanted.

And I want a Christmas dinner.

DOORBELL RINGS

ALL: Door!

How comes TJ and Liam aren't writing letters?

That's a good point, actually. Cos we have some dignity.

Well, write.

DOORBELL RINGS ALL: Door!

What is the matter with you lot?

Have you lost the use of your legs or something?

Hiya. Your lights are on the blink.

Patrick!

Er, Mr Trueman.

Sir?

Sir? Yeah, yeah.

Erm...

There's something I've been meaning to ask you for quite a while.

Go on, then.

Well, with you being the nearest thing Denise has got to a father.

I mean, to all intents and purposes, you are.

Just not in the biological sense.

I just thought that it was appropriate...

..you know, with Christmas on its way and everything, you know,

to make a gesture.

A romantic gesture.

To me?

No, not to you, to Denise.

PATRICK CHUCKLES

You want my permission?

Yeah, in a manner of speaking.

In a manner of speaking or actually?

Actually.

No, no, you're losing me there, you know, Ian.

Is it OK?

Is what OK? Look, just yes or no.

Well, yes.

Good.

You're late. I know, I know, sorry.

Alfie? We need milk and wet wipes.

What are you doing here?

I'm carrying a box. Billy?

Billy! Excuse me?

Is this a load-bearing wall?

What? You know what, never mind. It's coming out anyway.

Alfie! And these fixtures and fittings,

somebody actively chose those lights.

Kat, I know you said milk but what was the other thing you wanted?

Wet wipes.

What you doing? I'm carrying a box.

Over there please, Billy. No you don't, Billy. Yes you do, Billy.

No, no, whoa, whoa, hold on. This is trespassing, all right?

It can't be trespassing, actually. Not when you own the place.

You don't yet. So just get out.

No, Alfie, let her have her fun.

You don't like the fixtures and fittings, no?

There you go.

You really have no heart, eh, Janine.

You really have no home.

I know who I'd rather be.

Phil?

All right?

What's with the train set?

Every kid needs a train set, don't they?

Don't know if you've noticed but Lexi's a girl.

Hang on a minute, this says 12 years and over.

This is definitely for you and Pops, I know it is.

You after something? What? No.

You got that look. I know that look.

Why would I want anything?

Just ask, Lo, will ya?

OK. Right, I've got this idea. It's a little bit crazy but...

Peter, will you just get to the salient point?

OK, er...

Christmas Day.

All the Mitchells and all the Beales.

Dinner together. What do you think?

The Mitchells? The Mitchells and the Beales?

Yeah. It's not that ridiculous, is it?

Think about it, Lexi can have all her family around her.

And Ian is her uncle. No, he ain't. Well, half.

If Ian Beale is round here on Christmas Day, the turkey

won't be the only thing with sage and onion stuffed up its jacksy.

No! No, no, no.

And no. Just, no! No! It was just an idea.

The Mitchells...

..and the Beales. The Beales!

It weren't supposed to be funny.

DOORBELL RINGS

Peter, we need a plan B.

Paperwork.

All you have to do is sign and my 40% of the club is yours.

Right, well, that was painless.

So, wait to hear from my solicitor and we can finalise the Vic sale.

Oh, yeah, erm, about that.

It, er, ain't going to happen.

What?

I've had another offer.

A bigger offer? Well, that's how it usually works, Janine.

How much? Well, if you want to get your hands on the Vic,

you're going to need another 400 grand.

No, no, no, no, no.

You're playing me. By Christmas.

There is no other offer is there?

And I'll need proof you can get the money by the end of today.

You're definitely playing me.

Or you're out of the running. It's your call, Janine.

Now, if you don't mind, I've got business to attend to.

It is the one you wanted, isn't it? Yeah.

Are you going to cry?

No, shut up.

O...M...G!

It's a onesie!

I love you.

I love you too, baby.

How comes they get to open their presents and we don't?

Because they are what you call a product of a broken home.

So are we. I'm so going to be an air hostess when I grow up.

No, you're not.

She does that all the time. She's trying to buy their love.

Well, she's their mum, ain't she?

She might be a mum that serves people drinks for a living.

Or she might be a mum that does this for a living.

I'd certainly like to show her the nearest exit.

What? You...

Listen, she...

ain't going to see your kids on Christmas Day.

Just let her have her moment.

Look at me!

THEY LAUGH

No. Yep.

You're sure? 100%.

He was asking for your hand in marriage.

It's 2013. Who does that?

He really said, "My hand in marriage?"

Well, I mean, not exactly those words.

As a matter of fact, he really didn't make a lot of sense, you know.

You're freaking me out now.

You know what you need? A stiff drink?

Proof. The ring. It must be somewhere.

DOOR OPENS

'Denise?'

You won't believe this.

This one has suggested we spend Christmas dinner with the Mitchells.

Not the most insane thing I've heard all day.

I hate Phil. You hate Phil. Yes, I know. I'm just saying,

people, they do crazy,

ill-advised things at Christmas, don't they?

Ian, do you have a better proposal?

What? Nothing. We've just, you know...

You want a tea, coffee, anyone? Yeah, coffee.

Yeah, women are a mystery to me.

Look, all I'm saying is maybe it's time you buried the hatchet?

What, in Phil Mitchell's head? That would be preferable.

Only reason I asked is cos he brought it up.

Phil? Phil suggested we have Christmas dinner together?

Yeah, yeah. He said he felt really bad about yesterday.

What, he's got feelings?

Well, seemed pretty genuine to me.

Maybe he's more willing to forgive and forget than you are.

Nah. Nah, he's just trying to get in my head.

That's what he does.

I'm not so sure. And there was me thinking you were the bigger man.

?400,000.

I mean, where the hell am I going to find 400 grand from?

All of my money is tied up, in properties or in the business!

He is laughing at me, David.

And this offer, this other offer! It doesn't even exist!

Stop. Stop. Stop for just one second.

I want the Vic. Yeah, and you're going to get it.

We'll find you the money, Janine. Come on.

(OK.)

(It's all right, calm down.)

Why don't we ask Nan?

No. Why not?

Cos moving in with her would be like admitting defeat.

It's like a charity. No, it ain't charity.

Kat, listen, I know it sounds stupid,

but a man should be able to provide for his missus and his kid!

Yeah, all right. It does sound stupid. Thank you.

I'll ask Nan. No!

Alfie, come on!

Kat, listen, I ain't got a job, I ain't got us a place to live,

I can't even afford 50 quid for presents...

Things will work out. They always do.

Yeah, all right, and what if it doesn't this time?

Ask Nan.

I'm going to find us a place, all right?

It's the green ones.

It's always the bleedin' green ones.

It's a conspiracy.

Mum's going to be all on her own on Christmas Day.

Well, with the two blokes she lives with. But still...

You know what I think? I think there's someone out there

making a fortune out of green bulbs.

It's the green bulbs. The lights used to go every Christmas.

It became a bit of a running joke.

Hilarious.

You ever want any duty free, perfume or whatever,

let me know and I'll pick you some up.

You know it was the worst mistake of your life letting Terry go, don't you?

Suppose you think you can come back here and get in his pants.

Sorry Nikki, he's taken.

Him and his pants.

I'm here to see my kids.

Terry said you used to go weeks, sometimes months,

without seeing them.

So why are you all interested now?

What else did Terry say?

Did he tell you that he begged me not to leave him?

It still ain't working.

I'm going to head off.

Are you not staying for a cuppa?

BOTH: No.

Kids! Your mum's leaving.

I meant what I said, Bianca.

You ever want any duty free, let me know.

See you later, darling.

All the remaining properties. The flats in Kenwyn House.

Sell them. All of them? Just do it, Billy.

That ain't going to help, Janine.

47a and 47b Albert Square.

No. You'll be waiting months.

Shares. Shares. I've got shares in somewhere, I know I do.

Janine, you need the cash up front.

Is someone going to tell me what's happening here?

If you give him all that lot plus a bit of cash,

you can sell your car, he's never going to say no, is he?

Sorry, why are you listening to him? Get my solicitor on the phone.

Janine, I really don't think you want to do that.

Shut up, Billy! I'm not losing the Vic. Not now.

Keys.

I paid 50 grand for that car.

I'll see what I can do.

So. Christmas.

The season of good will to men and all that sort of stuff.

Behold, I bring you tidings of great joy!

You about to tell me you're up the duff or something?

No. Beales. Mitchells. Christmas dinner. What do you say?

I'd rather eat my own face.

I thought this was your idea.

Does it sound like one of my ideas?

I'm trying to be the bigger man. You'll never be the bigger man.

I don't know why I bothered. Why did you bother?

You'll never get to taste my honey glazed chipolatas. And that is a tragedy.

You ain't very good at this, are you?

Fine. I didn't want to have to do it this way, but...

Do what? What way?

We all spend Christmas day together or you don't see Lexi.

And I know you think I won't go through with it, but I will.

Cos I'm a Mitchell. We don't make empty threats.

Think about it.

Look I reckon we should just bung 'em in.

We should wait for Nan. She seems a bit sad.

No, she's all right, darling.

She's just a bit miserable cos Granddad's being an idiot.

Probably just her hormones.

Right, are we all ready?

OK, Father Christmas, Big Man, Santa Claus.

We know you're right busy at this time of year but we are sending you

these letters with hope that you would consider our requests.

Although, I do feel that probably Morgan's anti-gravity boots

might be a little bit out your league.

Best wishes to your good wife, Mary Christmas,

and of course all the reindeer. Donner, Prancer, er...

Kebab, er, Rudolf, Lionel Messi,

and, of course, Keith.

Keith? Don't matter.

Yours sincerely, from all of us, lots of love, all the best.

Oh, PS, we're going to leave you out a right nice mince pie.

Right, let's burn these bad boys.

Right, we ready? Here we go, then.

Stay back, get back.

Little Tel. What's wrong with him?

Probably his hormones.

Right, he's hid 'em at the bottom of the wardrobe.

I wonder if he's gone for platinum or gold?

This is Ian you're talking about, you know.

Fair play. Be lucky if it ain't an onion ring.

So, what are you going to say?

Bearing in mind this might all be a figment of your wild imagination...

Just answer the question now, man.

Honestly?

Oh, I dunno.

What, you have doubts?

No! You'd be the fifth Mrs Beale, you know.

You have to be practical about these things.

No, you don't have to be practical about anything.

What is your heart telling you?

I dunno.

My heart is saying...

This one's squishy.

Rip it open, then.

No! Just the corner then.

Patrick, just the corner!

Oven gloves.

African oven gloves.

Could be useful.

He's bought me vaguely racist oven gloves.

Are you opening your presents?

Do you want me to talk to him?

I don't know how long it'd be for.

Kat, it doesn't matter. You sure? Stay as long as you like.

As long as you can put up with Joey wandering around in his pants.

I've seen that plenty of times.

And you know there's nothing I like more

than a bit of illegal sub-letting.

Just let him think it was his idea, yeah?

Manhood dented a bit, is it?

A bit.

Same thing happened with Fat Elvis once. Walked funny for weeks.

Good afternoon, sir. Can I interest you in a car?

It's Nana Carol. She seems sad all the time.

Mum thinks it's your fault, and Tiff thinks it's her hormones.

And what do you reckon?

Well, I think there's something wrong.

There he is. Stay there, don't move and don't touch anything.

I won't be a sec.

Why else would you come and see me, then?

Good point. Cos I might have been planning a surprise.

Not a propose-y surprise?

No, look, we've only been together a few months, haven't we?

It's longer than that. Is it? Yes!

Well, we've got enough failed marriages between us to know it's not a good idea. That's true.

We're happy as we are, aren't we? Yeah, course we are, darling.

Look, I can assure you,

I've got absolutely no intention of proposing to you.

Great. Thank you.

Ian, you really have a way with the ladies, don't you?

So, no ring, then? No ring.

You have an oven glove, though.

Yeah, it's a Guyanese tribal print.

You're originally from Guyana, aren't you?

BOTH: No.

DOOR OPENS

Ian?

Phil's got something he wants to ask you.

Christmas dinner at ours. You in or not?

Seeing as you put it so nicely. Well, I won't ask again.

Please... Dad.

All right, we accept. We do?

Yes. Cos it takes the bigger man to accept than to ask.

You don't half talk a lot of rubbish sometimes.

You going to be providing the booze, Phil?

Well, I'm a recovering alcoholic. Why the hell not?

What about Patrick and Kim?

We've got plans. No, you haven't. We have now.

Well, that's that then, anyway, innit?

Yep. That's that.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, Phil.

Don't ever blackmail me again.

Especially not using my granddaughter. Do you understand?

Mm-hm.

JANINE ON TAPE RECORDER: 'He had his hands around my neck

'and he was squeezing the life out of me...'

Morgan!

I told you not to touch anything.

Mate. Come on, sorry.

Come on. Let's go and get you some sweets, yeah?

Oh, Morgan.

Scratching? Nah, no.

They're yours.

Mo... Alfie.

Listen, I've been looking for flats now for a while...

Course you can.

Really? As long as you want.

Ahh, you're a diamond.

That weren't so hard, was it? What?

How's that manhood of yours feeling? Not too dented I hope.

I get it. Yes, Kat sent you down here, didn't she?

Course she did.

Cos she loves you.

Come here, you.

Just dropping a stray off. Morgan came to see me.

He's worried about you, Carol.

Me? I'm fine.

Well, he don't seem to think so.

He says you're on the verge of tears all the time.

Is it Bianca? Yeah, cos it's always about someone else, isn't it?

I've always got to put the kids first and Bianca...

What is it, Carol? Tell me.

I know you.

I know you, Carol.

'Dad, they're working!'

Yes!

Right, no-one go near that plug, you understand?

Yep.

Look, TJ, your Mum's going to be on her own this Christmas, so...

Well, not on her own, cos she'll be with those two gay blokes,

Steve, and what's the other one called? Steve. Really?

Well, look, maybe you should go over and spend Christmas Day with her.

What? You sure?

If it makes you happy, yeah.

What about what makes you happy?

Sorry. None of my business.

If TJ's going, I'm going too.

You'll be all right, won't you? You've got everyone else.

Yeah, you'll be all right, won't you?

Yeah, and we're going to see

Father Christmas tomorrow, aren't we? Definitely.

MOUTHS SILENTLY

Ooh, what's that for?

You ever need any more hugs, you know where I am.

Right, I got you 35 for the car.

OK. I'll give the cash tomorrow and sort you out a little runaround.

Phil can't say no, can he? I don't see why he would.

It's just the only place that's ever felt like home.

It's the only place when I've ever really...felt like me.

Does that sound stupid? No.

I keep thinking that it's all going to fall through. I've gotten this far before...

It's going to be yours, don't worry. OK. Thank you.

Don't thank me yet.

Shut up, Billy.

I will have the paperwork for you tomorrow.

And ?250,000 in cash.

Christmas Day? Christmas Day.

See what you can do when you put your mind to it?

So it's mine?

It's all yours.

SHE EXHALES WEARILY

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

There, erm...

There never was another offer, was there?

I suppose you'll never know, Janine, will you?

For a minute there I really thought it was all going to fall through.

But it didn't. Smooth sailing from here on in, eh?

You didn't doubt it for a second, did you?

Not for a second. Cheers.

You have that much faith in me?

Course I do.

I knew you'd have no trouble getting that money for me.

For you?

Yeah. The quarter of a million cash.

You're going to give it all to me.

Sorry, er...

Why would I do that?

DICTAPHONE PLAYS: 'I stabbed him.

'I killed him, David, and I didn't feel a thing.

'One minute he was alive and the next minute he was gone.'

JANINE GRUNTS

No!

Patience, Janine.

Patience.

250 grand, in cash.

Or it's all over.

Here's to the future.

Merry Christmas.

Hi. How much for these?

Those ones are three pounds each.

Can I give you 15 for the lot? Yeah, of course.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Hello! All right, mate!

You got my letter, then?

All right, mate. How you doing? Merry Christmas. Man in a hurry.

Merry Christmas. All right, Karl, how's your nuts?

Lovely, mate. Want a bag? Yeah, go on, then. What do I owe you?

I will not be blackmailed by a middle-aged,

washed-up car salesman!

Ten grand.

?20,000.

Look, we can do this back and forth all day long, Janine.

But the way I see it - 250 grand cash,

quarter of a million to stop you going to jail

for the rest of your life - I think that's a good deal.

Why are you doing this?

Because I got plans. I've been telling you for weeks.

Plans that need money.

To buy this scuzzy car lot?

Everything you said by that grave.

About Pat. Everything you said, you meant it, I know you did.

Come on, we're family.

We're family, David, I mean, you're practically my brother...

Please, now you're just insulting both of us.

?50,000. And that is my final offer.

SHE SCREAMS

You really don't want to mess with me. Look at that.

Turns out you can be blackmailed by a middle-aged car salesman.

Yeah, Carol? It's me.

The hearing's in half an hour - you coming or not?

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,

not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

The stockings were hung by the chimbley with care...

ALL: Chimney!

That's what I said.

In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there...

Right, Mum. Three o'clock -

shopping centre off the North Circular Road, yeah?

Why we've got to go over there

when there's a Santa on every flamin' corner, I don't know.

It's traditional. And I ain't got the kids tomorrow, have I?

So we're doing it. Now give us a kiss.

No.

Mum, don't be late. Three o'clock, yeah? Bianca...

I love you. I love you too.

Right, kids, can we start getting ready, please?

For what? Going out.

Where you off to? Last minute bit of shopping?

What is it, Carol?

I've got to catch a bus.

Look, you wanted to tell me something yesterday.

I know you did. I know you, Carol...

Please leave it - it's really pretty.

We... we are still going Midnight Mass, ain't we?

I used to love that as a little girl.

Walking there hand in hand with me mum and dad, in the dark, you know.

All the lovely carols and the candles...

I ain't going to Midnight Mass.

But it's Christmas.

Well, it don't feel like Christmas. Not to me.

You don't mean that, Mrs Branning.

It ain't coming. It'll be here in a minute.

I wouldn't bet on it.

What is it, Carol?

Eh?

All right, suit yourself.

David...

Right, where we going?

We said 50 quid max. There's more than 50 quid here.

It's going to make mine look poxy now. Course it won't.

It don't matter. You broke the rule.

Well, then, the rules are supposed to be broken.

Cos everyone caves in in the end, don't they, Mo?

Everyone knows that.

I thought you was helping with the packing.

Can't take 'em with you, can you? What's she on about?

Listen, it doesn't matter if you've got me nothing at all...

It's not a problem. It's fine.

It's weird, ain't it?

Yeah. Yeah, it is. Our last night, innit?

Are you going to cry, Alfie?

I bet you a fiver there's tears before midnight.

Shut up, you dopey cow.

Last time I cried was when West Ham was relegated back in May 2011.

Why don't you choke on a pickled onion or something?

He's going to bawl his eyes out.

Janine? You decent? I'm coming in...

Those foldy tables have arrived for the street party.

And I've put all your posters...

Janine?

Janine? What's happened here?

David did it. I'm so scared...

Come here. Come here.

Why don't we just get a bargain bucket?

A Christmas bargain bucket...

Yeah, well, I ain't that big on turkey.

No-one likes turkey, do they?

I like it!

What's the big deal, anyway? It's just another day, innit...

The spirit of Christmas is truly alive with you two.

Yeah, well, it's not the same, is it, Abs? Without your mum, Oscar.

Well, we've still got to make the effort...

'Scuse me a second.

Sorry to disturb you... It's your gran.

I'm really worried about her...

Maybe this whole dinner thing's a bad idea...

No. Don't say it - it's going to be great...

But Dad's not that keen on...

Don't worry about Phil, he'll be on his best behaviour, OK?

Yeah, right. He will. I'll personally make sure of it.

Look, I just want you, me and Lexi to be together tomorrow.

I thought you wanted that too. Yeah, course.

Oh, that doesn't sound very convincing... You in a strop? No.

You are, aren't you? You're in a strop.

I'm not in a strop.

David is saying that I killed Michael.

He says that he can prove it. And I've got to get him money...

He can't prove anything, he ain't got nothing on you.

Just go to the Old Bill and tell them. No, no, no, I can't.

I don't understand. Why not?

Because David is clever, all right? And he's greedy.

And he will do whatever it takes to get this money.

Well, how much we talking here?

?250,000

250 grand?! Yes, and he's set me up, Billy.

He's planted something, he said - something that will have me put away.

Janine, listen, he's bluffing you.

I don't even know why you give him the time of day.

No, no, no, he's threatened Scarlett. He's said that he will hurt her.

I can't let him do that.

Look, it ain't going to come to that, all right?

I won't let that happen.

Come here. We'll think of something, all right?

(Don't worry.)

You can't make me drive all the way here and then not tell me

what's going on. Thanks for the lift. Carol!

Carol! HORN SOUNDS

All right!

HORN SOUNDS

Oi! That's my space!

Mrs Branning?

ALARM KEYS BEEP

What's the code?

I don't know. She must've changed it.

ALARM SOUNDS

Grandma? Grandma Dot? Mrs Branning? Mrs Branning, what's the code?

Grandma, what are you doing?

What's wrong?

I don't want to be scared no more.

Carol Jackson?

Carol...

Sorry for the wait. It's been a bit chaotic today.

Can my friend come in with me?

Of course. Yes, please.

Have a seat.

I'm Mr Rana. So, your GP referred you to us. Doctor...

Dr Hall.

With a lump in your right breast.

Yeah, I didn't know if it was something or nothing.

Firstly I'd like to do a full history,

a physical examination and then send you for a mammogram.

He was ever such a nice young man.

But while he was talking to me, someone else, they come in and

there was my biscuit tin and the money for the church roof...

You should've gone to the police.

It was me own fault. I should have known better.

No. I let him in, Abi.

Yeah, that doesn't matter.

I mean, we'll tell them - they'll understand.

But hang on, the church - they got their money.

You did the cheque in the paper and all that.

You used your own money, didn't you?

Oh, I feel such a fool.

I mean, it's happened to me before.

Why is the world such a horrible place?

No. No, it isn't. It really isn't.

No, there's so much good - you know there is.

And if you stay in here, you'll just focus on the bad things.

You won't see all the lovely things. And there are so many.

You should see it out there, with all the lights. It's so pretty.

Why was that man so cruel to me?

Come to church with us.

Please...

Alice Branning, please stand.

You are charged on this indictment with one count of murder.

That on the 31st day of October 2013 you murdered Michael Moon.

To this charge, do you plead guilty or not guilty?

Guilty.

Alice, babe. What you doing?

Please be quiet or I'll hold you in contempt.

PHONE RINGS

RINGING STOPS

Just come in for me. Just try and relax.

Head to the side. Well done. OK, compression's coming down now.

It will start to get quite tight, OK? Just try to relax.

Well done.

OK. Just hold your breath. Don't breathe.

Fat Elvis has got a job lot of them Brevilles

if you're getting desperate. No, I've got something for Alfie.

You crafty cow. Go on, then, tell me...

Harry, I'll have five of them, please. How much is that? Five.

All right, lovely. Cheers.

It's big then...fish tank? No.

Motorbike? I ain't going to tell you.

Well, I got a surprise too.

No, you ain't. If I tell you, then you could tell me yours.

Shut up, Nan...

Oi, come here!

All right? Yeah.

Here you are. Thanks.

Does Bianca know?

No-one knows.

The sentence for murder prescribed by law is custody for life.

I'll adjourn sentence to the 24th January, 2014

for the preparation of the pre-sentence report.

You will be remanded in custody until that date.

Take her down, please.

All rise.

Alice. Alice, babe, tell them it weren't murder. I'll sort it out.

I'll get you out of here. I promise you, Al, I will.

I'm so sorry, Joey.

We've had a look at the mammogram and, I have to be honest,

it's given us some cause for concern.

As well as the larger lump,

there are a few smaller ones in the right breast.

We'd like to take a few minutes to do a biopsy on them

and the lymph nodes in your right armpit. Just to be sure.

Now? If that's possible.

Erm...

Erm...yeah, OK...OK, yeah.

That's fine. Yeah. Good.

Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas. Thanks for coming!

Do you think his beard's real? Definitely.

Can me and TJ get a burger? No.

You know, I ain't missed a Christmas Day with them. Ain't going to feel right.

Can me and Liam go and get... No!

Where's my mum? Three o'clock, she said. She never listens.

Mum!

Hello, darling. You not taken that thing off yet?

Be nice.

Hello, Tel. You all right?

Big day planned for tomorrow?

Yeah, I live with my daughter. She's got four kids.

Her partner's got two. Wow.

I know...

OK, now you're going to feel a slight pressure

and hear that loud click we talked about. OK.

I've bought them all stockings. I left them at home decorating them.

Well done. Bits of glitter...

Just put your hand there for me. Press down hard.

Loads of glitter everywhere and those little letter stickers.

They're going to see Father Christmas later on.

They pretend that they're too grown up for it.

But, you know, they love it really. They're really sweet kids...

OK. We're all done. OK.

You should get the results back in just over a week.

Thank you.

Come on, Morgan, smile.

I like your beard.

Come on, then.

Right, Spud, you're up... "I like your beard"?

What? It's nice.

How do you do? Rosie Spraggan, 31 Albert Square, E20.

I'm a big fan.

And what would you like for Christmas, Rosie?

I'd like my mum and my dad and everyone I love

to be in the same house and to open all our presents together.

Oh, and a One Direction T-shirt with Zayn's face on it.

Oh, well. Least she'll be getting her T-shirt.

(Thank you.)

I think it's cancer.

Don't say that.

I think it is. I think it's cancer.

I just said thank you, like I'd just bought my groceries from them.

Like it was nothing... I need a drink.

No, you don't. I do.

I need a really big drink.

Alice had her hearing today.

We completely forgot. I'm so sorry.

You should've said something. Yeah, well, it don't matter now.

I was the only one who turned up anyway.

People care, Joey. Yeah? Who cares, Lauren?

Me.

I do.

And I hope you know that.

Listen, I'm going to meet my dad in the Vic if you want to come.

(No.)

OK, well, you know where I am.

# Good King Wenceslas looked out on the Feast of Stephen

# When the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and even

# Brightly shone the moon that night, tho' the frost was cruel

# When a poor man came in sight... #

It's all a little bit crooked, ain't it?

It's shabby chic. Yes, it's crooked. And there are no mince pies.

Our oven's broken. So... We'll manage.

End of the day, this street party's Janine's problem, ain't it?

Anyway, drinks on the house. Alfie...

Like I said, Janine's problem.

All right. Who's up for some bubbly?

CHEERING

There's always McKlunky's. Don't even joke.

I just really wanted this year to be perfect, you know?

Tell me about it.

Don't mind if I do.

Oh, look who it is! Charlie!

Charlie. Look, it's Charlie!

Mo! Hello, old girl.

Hello, mate. Nice to see you, buddy. Hello, Alfie.

Dad! What you doing here?

Ain't going to miss your last night, am I? Not for the world.

Has he blubbed yet? Oh, shut up, course I haven't!

Listen to him. "Blubbed."

I'm taking bets, if you're interested.

Yeah, very funny, Mo. Come on, let's have a drink, Charlie.

Told you I had a surprise. Now tell me yours.

Nice try, Nan.

Thought we could Skype Oscar later.

What do you reckon? Do you remember Oscar?

Your brother? He's about that high...

Yeah, yeah. Whatever. If you want.

Lauren, is it too much, you being here?

No, it's fine. It's great.

All my mates are out on the town and I'm stuck here with a tonic water.

That's how cool I am - hanging out with my depressed, single dad.

What's not to love about that?

Well, great, thanks. I appreciate it.

I'm only joking, Dad. Come here...

Maybe you could cook it at Scarlett's and then bring it back

to the house. What do you reckon? What? BOTH: The turkey!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sounds like a plan.

Only one more sleep, Miss Bella.

My tummy's getting all twirly.

Carol, Carol, let's go over here. Look...

Let's get drunk like we used to.

If it comes to it and you need treatment...

..and dance all night and watch the sun come up.

I'm serious - if you have to go private, I'll pay for it.

You can't afford it.

No, I'm going to look after you. I promise you.

Here's Bianca.

Oh, here she is. Look! In the bleeding pub.

Where were you? I was just...

I just got caught up with stuff.

Oh, "stuff". Can I have a word, please?

What's the matter? It's Terry, ain't it?

That's why you're acting all weird with me.

You don't like him, do you, Mum? Just say it. Of course I like him.

But you don't want me to be with him, though, do you?

This is my decision...

Just shut up a minute, Bianca. All right? I like Terry!

I think he's the best thing that's happened to you in a long time,

all right? I like his kids and I love your kids.

I just want tomorrow to be a really nice day.

I just want no arguments. No shouting. No tears.

Just one really nice day. Can you promise me that?

All right, what's dad done to upset you then?

Just promise me. I'm going to sing some carols now.

You going to tell her?

Not today.

Look, Bianca - what I'm about to say ain't going to make me popular.

Well, here goes nothing.

Look, my kids are unhappy, I'm unhappy,

cos I want to spend Christmas Day together as a family.

And if that means Nikki too, then...

Yeah. You know what, it's fine. Really?

Yes. Let's just go and tell them. Honestly, before I change my mind.

I'm that close to taking it back.

BELL RINGS

All right, listen up, everybody. If I could have your attention.

Thank you. This won't take long, I promise you.

Now, a lot of you are probably aware that this is me and Kat's

last night in charge of the Queen Vic...

VARIOUS: Awww.

Thank you. But I'd be lying if I said we'd loved every minute...

Nearly every minute.

But it's been a blast - and it's been a laugh.

Most of the time.

There's been some ups and some downs, but it was here about...

what, 12 years ago?

..that I met the love of my life.

God, we were young then, weren't we?

And this was also where our beautiful baby boy was born...

He's going, he's going. I told you.

Before midnight. I told you.

Oi! Let him finish!

Seriously, though, from the bottom of me and Kat's heart,

we just want to say...

Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you. Thank you.

Cheers. Cheers.

Three cheers to Alfie and Kat. Hip hip...

ALL: Hooray! Hip hip...

Hooray! Hip hip...

Hooray!

And remember. Street party tomorrow.

We'll see you there.

And it's going to be a party to end all street parties!

CHEERING

You know what? I love you the most.

I love you more.

What I don't get is, how does Santa do it all in one night?

It's not possible.

Go on. Say it.

Nik, how do you feel about spending the day with us tomorrow?

What? Here? For real?

Where would we go?

You'd be here as well, you muppet!

Thanks, Santa!

Thank you.

What?

Your daughter is in there, and your wife. I hate this.

I hate myself...

You think I don't?

I've tried to stay away.

I've tried, but it's like I can't stop, Lauren.

I need you.

It's beautiful, ain't it?

Now, look, I know it might not seem like it now,

but things will get better, OK?

Yeah, they will. The Lord is your strength and your shield.

That's Psalm 28, verse 7 - how'd you know about that?

I've heard you say it enough times.

The Lord is my strength and my shield.

Ah, the inimitable Mrs Branning!

Vicar... We were starting to worry you wouldn't come.

Are you ready for your star turn?

I thought you might need this.

Are you having second thoughts?

Is that why you don't want to do the dinner?

No. Not at all. Look, I know I'm not exactly girlfriend material

for someone like you, but...

Peter, I can feel myself falling for you

and I don't want to if that's not how you feel

because I do kinda love you and I...

Lola...

I think I kinda love you too.

Really?

Yeah. And tomorrow, we're going to tell everyone.

What's this? Oh...

# Christmas is here Bringing good cheer

# To young and old Meek and the bold

# Ding dong, ding dong # That is their song

# With joyful ring All carolling

# One seems to hear Words of good cheer

# From ev'rywhere Filling the air

# Oh how they pound Raising the sound

# O'er hill and dale Telling their tale

# Gaily they ring While people sing

# Songs of good cheer Christmas is here

# Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas

# On, on they send On without end

# Their joyful tone To ev'ry home

# Hark! How the bells Sweet silver bells

# All seem to say "Throw cares away"

# Christmas is here Bringing good cheer

# To young and old Meek and the bold

# Ding dong, ding dong That is their song

# With joyful ring All carolling

# One seems to hear Words of good cheer

# From ev'rywhere Filling the air

# Oh, how they pound Raising the sound

# O'er hill and dale Telling their tale

# Gaily they ring While people sing

# Songs of good cheer Christmas is here

# Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas

# On, on they send On without end

# Their joyful tone To ev'ry home... #

SHE SOBS

You're going to be fine.

Do you know how I know?

Cos you are amazing and you're strong.

PHONE RINGS

I'm sorry. That's all right. Take it.

You took your time.

'I've got your money. You can have it tomorrow.'

Good.

'You're going to rot in hell, David.'

I already knew that.

Do I look a mess?

Yeah, you do a bit.

Move back in, David.

The kids would love it.

Come here.

What you going to do?

I need your help...

Anything. Just tell me.

I want him gone.

I want him dead.

SHE SIGHS

SHE BREATHES RAPIDLY

BABY GURGLES

"JINGLE BELL ROCK" PLAYS

BABY GURGLES

'I stabbed him...

'I killed him, David, and I didn't feel a thing.

'One minute he was alive and...'

Ah. Happy Christmas to you, Scarlett.

Not you. I'll be around after the party to collect the keys.

Can you make sure your stuff is all packed and ready to go?

Not a problem, Janine. You know what, I've even arranged

a lovely red carpet all the way from yours to ours

so you don't get your dainty little feet wet. All right?

Alfie! Come on, it's getting cold.

All right, sweetheart.

Excuse me while I go and stuff my face with turkey, won't you?

Merry Christmas, Phil.

Oh, here he is, Santa's little helper.

I bring fine wine and selected delicacies.

Well, you shouldn't have done.

Everything you need to eat is waiting on that table in there.

Yeah, I'm sure,

but I'm a trained professional, available should the need arise.

Well, it won't. But thanks.

Well go on, go and make yourselves at home.

We wait till they're drunk. Then we tell 'em. Yeah?

Let's see how it goes.

You, erm, got anything in there for me?

Later. What, Santa's going to deliver

a few hundred grand on his sledge? Is that what you're saying?

I'll give it to you tonight. I promise.

No. Five o'clock.

Not a minute later or I sell it to this other geezer.

What, your imaginary friend? He exists, all right.

Tell you what, I'm going to text him right now.

Put him on stand-by.

Five o'clock. Not a minute later.

Billy.

I made the call. The fella's going to drop it round here.

Couple of hours, tops.

Text me as soon as it's here.

You sure about this?

Maybe he's got the wrong end of the stick.

If you just tried reasoning with him...

David is going to have me put away for something I didn't do

unless I pay up.

There is no reasoning with that.

But this is the most serious crime you can commit.

And for what?

What would Phil do? Huh? This situation.

What would the big man do?

I don't know, Janine, cos I'm not Phil, am I?

Now's your chance to step up.

Be a man. Be a Mitchell.

Anyway, you can't back out now. You're an accessory.

What?!

I've told you about it.

So if I go down...I'm taking you down with me.

Janine, Janine, wait! Just give him a chance, will you?

Maybe he'll come round.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Yeah. I'll give him a chance. Good.

One chance.

And if he backs off, fine.

If not...

..he's a dead man.

Hey, pack it in!

Hello. Wotcha.

Mum!

Hello! Merry Christmas. Hello. You all right?

Thank you. It's not too formal, is it?

No, no. You look great. I didn't know what to wear.

She looks all right, don't she?

Yeah. You look lovely.

Oh, thank you. You look nice too.

I'm cooking!

Well, here you go. Little contribution. Not much.

Brandy butter. He loves the stuff.

I know. I've got some. Home-made?

No, but... That's home-made. He'll only eat home-made.

He's funny like that.

Sorry. You live with the bloke. Why am I telling you?

Right, erm, I better get on.

Here you go. Get that down you. Merry Christmas.

Nibbles there if you want.

Hey. Give us it here.

It's all right, David. I can lift a chair.

Let me do it.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

ALL: Merry Christmas!

Who wants presents? CHILDREN: Me, me!

All right. OK, slow down. Hope you don't mind me popping over.

Just thought it'd be nice for Scarlett to spend some time

with her family on Christmas Day.

Yeah. More the merrier, Janine. Make yourself at home.

Hang on a minute, you two. Get back there. It's... Oh.

We'll hand them out one at a time.

That for me? I wonder what that is.

I don't want to spoil the surprise.

Have you got one for me? Something special, I hope?

You'll get what you deserve, Janine. I promise.

Eat up, Tommy.

I've got that turkey lovely, I have.

Oi, you! No peeking.

No presents till after dinner.

No, after midnight, they're my rules, you see.

Santa's done his business.

Then we get to open 'em all. Ain't that right, Charlie?

I dunno about that, Alfie. I never argue with a woman.

I learnt that lesson a long time ago.

Why can't more blokes be like that? Extra spuds, Charlie?

There you go. Don't mind if I do.

Kat, be honest, you've spent more than 50 quid, haven't you?

I swear on my life that wasn't a penny over 50 quid.

Hope you like it.

GLASSES CLINK

What do you reckon then, Ian? Is it up to your exacting standards?

Yeah. It's, erm, it's very tasty. Your handiwork?

No. It was Phil. You should see him in a pinny.

It's really quite a sight.

I can imagine.

Go on, Phil. Get your pinny on and give Denise a thrill.

Please don't.

What you need is a woman around the house. A new wife.

What for?

You know... Clean and cook.

What?

You're an expert, are you? On marriage?

This is nice, innit, us all being together?

Having done it four times.

Well, sometimes it does take a while to find the right person.

Oh, you've found the right person, have you?!

Maybe.

Yeah, Phil, there's nothing wrong with a bit of romance.

Is there, Pops? Eh?

Romance...?

Oh. Yeah, yeah, course.

Thanks, Janine.

CHILDREN ARGUE IN BACKGROUND

A tankard. What a lovely surprise.

Well, I thought you could keep it behind the bar.

At the Vic.

Seeing as this time tomorrow I'm going to be in charge.

Wow, Auntie Janine. Thanks! It's amazing!

That's a real diamond, by the way.

David, can I borrow your phone? Mine's flat.

Oh, don't seem to have it on me, Janine. Sorry.

Yeah, that's right nice, that.

I picked it up in Hong Kong.

100% cashmere, it is. That's really nice. Thank you very much.

Thanks.

Oh, here's the stressed cook. How's it going?

Nearly done...

Just going to go and powder my nose.

Hurry up, Janine, please. It's nearly ready.

I'll give you a hand. No, you're all right, honestly.

No, I insist. I'm a whizz in the kitchen. A regular Delia.

Where you going? Just going to get another chair. Leg's a bit wobbly.

Oh! Merry Christmas.

Hello. We're running a bit late, I'm afraid.

Can I take your coat? I was going upstairs.

No, thanks. I'm not staying. I'm just delivering pressies.

Stay for a quick drink. David, could you get Masood a drink?

You look stunning. Thanks.

Soft drink?

Still a Muslim.

I love playing Mum.

Dishing out all the food, seeing all their hungry faces.

There's nothing better than to see your kids happy at Christmas.

Don't you think? Yeah. Is that why you're here then?

To make sure your kids are happy at Christmas?

Yeah. What else?

You really don't like me, do you? Go on, just say it.

You know what, Nikki, I've got nothing against you. Not personally.

But it just seems like every time I turn round, you're there.

You know, me and Terry... Yeah?

We're just trying to start a life together. You know, move on.

It's just a bit hard with the ex hanging about all the time.

He's here in your house. My kids, too.

What more do you want?

I want you to let him go.

Me? Bianca, I let him go three years ago.

It's him that can't cut the cord. And do you know what?

He probably never will.

What you saying?

I didn't just barge in here. He asked me.

Terry asked me to come.

Why do you think he did that?

For the kids.

For the kids. Yeah, right(!)

Cos that's what Terry cares about, ain't it, the kids(!)

That turkey looks dry as a bone.

FRUSTRATED GROWL

Come on, come on...

Lost something, Janine?

Where's my money?

It's coming. Yeah? I'm going to pick it up in an hour or so.

I'll give you a call.

You're trembling, Janine.

What's the matter? Guilty conscience?

Crimes catching up with you?

Why are you being so horrible to me?

Horrible! Is that what I am? A horrible, horrible man?

Maybe if you'd have helped me when I asked, the poor relation,

the step-brother begging for a hand-out,

I wouldn't be so hard on you now.

I didn't know you were so desperate. If I had... You knew, Janine.

You knew. You just didn't care.

But then that's you all over, innit? You don't care about anyone.

You're wrong. I care about you. I care about my family.

I do!

Remember when Pat died?

Right here in this bed.

She put her arms around me, told me that she loved me.

And that I could turn my life around.

All I needed was a little bit of help.

Couldn't you give me that help?

I mean, she saw the good in me.

And she was right. I've been forced into this by Michael

and by what he did.

Why don't you think again?

I could give you some money. Not as much, but...

Unbelievable. Maybe we can strike a deal.

I don't want to do these bad things.

I want to be good.

Is this good, Janine?

'In that moment...'

Is it? '..I wanted him dead.'

'So I stabbed him...'

Is this what you want everyone to hear? The police to hear?

'I killed him, David, and I didn't feel a thing.

'One minute he was alive

'and the next minute he was... He was gone.'

250 grand. Two hours.

Or I go to the police.

And I mean it.

DOOR OPENS

Dinner's ready.

Great. I'm starving.

Just going to go and wash my hands.

Come on, then.

What just happened here? What were you talking about?

Er... Do you really want to know? Yeah. Yeah, I want to know.

We were talking about my mum. Last time we saw her.

Dying in that bed.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... It's all right.

Mum, Dad, it's ready! Yeah, coming!

Come on.

I tried talking to him. It's no good.

We need to get this done.

Soon as you get it...

call me.

Ian, Christmas pud?

Why not? Might get lucky and find a sixpence in there.

Yeah. If you can travel back in time. It's 2013, ain't it?

All right, maybe a shiny new ten-pence piece then.

I don't think there's anything in there. What?

Oh, come on, it's traditional, you gotta have a coin in your pud.

You got any other criticisms?

I saw you left half your veg and half your turkey an' all.

I had a big breakfast.

So it was all perfectly cooked, in your professional opinion, was it?

Perfect. You wouldn't lie to me, Ian, would you?

Phil. Can you just leave it? Let everyone enjoy themselves.

I am enjoying myself. So's Ian. Ain't you, Ian?

No. He's not. No-one is.

I just wanted everyone to get on so we could be honest for once.

About what?

Tell 'em.

Go on, tell them.

Me and Peter.... We're together.

We're a couple.

Pull it over your head. That's it!

Peek-a-boo!

I tell you what, you should be wearing a sports bra, look at that.

You look like a supermodel to me, you look beautiful!

Right, my turn, my turn! You have gone to town on this, Kat.

I know, is it a plasma?

Is it a...? Could be a hi-fi, could be an exercise bike.

You'll find out soon enough.

Never mind "soon enough", I'm going to find out right now. Here we go!

Come on. Let's have it.

What...?

All right... Come on, get a move on.

Take any longer we'll be living with Janine.

Right. All right. Not to worry.

Did you know about this? No. Of course not.

Phil, look... Shut up. I weren't talking to you.

Don't tell him to shut up. Look, we are together.

Now you either accept that or I'll go upstairs,

get Lexi and I'll walk out this house and I won't come back.

All right. Whatever you want. It's got nothing to do with me.

Really?

All of a sudden I've lost my appetite.

Yeah, why don't we go out to that party? I can hear the music now.

Give Kat and Alfie... a proper send-off.

No, you're all right, I think I'll stay here.

I'll start clearing the plates.

Phil?

Are we OK?

Yeah. Course.

You can't hurt him. You can't touch him.

What do you take me for? Eh?

I won't lay a finger on him. Now get your coat on.

Get Lexi wrapped up nice and warm,

and we'll go to this party, all right?

Did you know about this? Him and Lola?

No. I didn't. I swear.

Look, I've gotta go. Janine needs me.

Tell her she's got 20 minutes. I ain't kidding.

One phone call and that pub's gone.

All right. Yeah, I will.

Happy Christmas, everyone.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Scarlett's asleep.

CRACKER BANGS Hurrah!

You look nice.

Mum, you look amazing.

Dinner's gorgeous, darling.

Next year, we'll all be over at mine, at the Vic.

It will be a magnificent spread.

I was thinking, a nice long table down at the bar.

Candles everywhere. Free drinks for all of you, all year round.

For my family.

Pass the spuds, please, love.

Sure you're going to be able to afford all that, Janine?

The Vic? With all your other expenses?

PHONE VIBRATES