10/01/2014 EastEnders Omnibus

MAN SPEAKS ON TV

DOOR OPENS

DOOR CLOSES

Dad, what are you doing up?

It's, like, half five.

Monkfish.

-Monkfish?

-Yeah, monkfish. For the new menu.

There's a new menu?

Yeah. We need a new menu. Need to keep it fresh, different.

There's all these websites out there -

bloggers, reviews, where to eat in London,

we need to be on there somewhere.

I'm going to close the restaurant at lunchtime,

so I can concentrate on getting this menu up and running, OK?

Now, what do you think, monkfish or halibut?

Ah, turbot.

Yes, yes, turbot.

Herbert the Turbot.

It's all good. All good.

We don't have to tell her.

She'll be fine, but don't do sudden with your mum.

-I have to pick my moment.

-DOOR OPENS

-Morning, sweetheart...

-Stop stealing my dressing gown.

She won't want to know.

She's your mum, she loves you. I'll sort it.

Bobby, shift it!

Brass monkeys out there.

Oh, Pete, you got any kumquats?

-No. Funnily enough, I don't.

-Right, I'm off.

No, no, no. No, you're going to take Bobby to school.

I've got to sort all these ingredients for the menu.

Last night we agreed that you were going to take Bobby to school

-cos I'm busy at the B&B.

-Well, I'm busy too.

What, looking for kumquats?

-I've got bloggers to get into...

-And you've got a son

-that needs taking to school.

-Look, I'm really sorry, I'm busy.

-It's fine, I can take him.

-You sure?

-Yeah.

-Thanks, love.

Perks of being the boss.

Great, OK, I'm going to need texts.

-I need to know what we want for food tonight, OK?

-OK.

See you later.

Something's not right.

Maybe he just needs to talk to someone.

-It's not like we haven't all tried.

-Not all of us.

Come on, skiver, holiday's over.

-How long till Kim's back?

-Don't ask.

Just call me when you get this, Carl...

Oh, Kirsty...

Oh, yeah, yeah, you'll get the rent ASAP.

No, no. Wait up.

-Brilliant.

-Patrick's back, though, ain't he?

What's the betting he hasn't even sorted out the breakfast yet?

You know what? I sort that lot out at the house, I've got all this...

-SHE GROANS

-I love being me.

Ian's helping out, though, right?

Ian...helping?

It's what couples do - support each other.

Just saying.

Thanks for the post.

You've done us both jam.

I want you to see what you can sort with some ready meals.

We need something coming out of that kitchen ASAP.

-Like what?

-Linda.

Dad, it's fine...

I don't know, lasagnes, curries, easy stuff. But decent...

The boy don't eat jam, he never has...

It's time he started.

Do you want me to do you some fresh with peanut butter?

This ain't a B&B. It's toast and jam or nothing.

What's going on, Bill? Listen, Bill, just give up, bro.

Don't you know she's from Lesbos?

Not the other night, she weren't.

-You're lying?

-Am I?

-What, you and her?

HE LAUGHS

Well, you know what they say, Dex. Nine times out of ten,

it's just cos they ain't met the right bloke, you know?

-You got the decorators in?

-Eh?

Your time of the month, is it?

These? These are not for me, these are for Lola.

Yeah, course they are.

Bill, don't look so down, you're probably just PMT-ing.

Well, at least she didn't punch me, did she?

Do you want me to finish that?

Maybe you should come and sit down,

because there's some stuff we need to talk about.

About time.

-Eh?

-I heard you. I heard everything,

and no, I don't want to talk about it

because I know my kids and he is not...

He's not like that.

Just give her time.

Tina. Tina, I was thinking

maybe me and you could go for a drink?

You want to buy me a drink, that's fine by me.

See, I knew it.

No, as a mate. We've done all this the other night.

It was a mistake.

Don't waste your energy on me, you're a decent bloke.

Yeah. Lonely loser, more like.

Cut it out with all the self-pity. You ain't no loser.

Shirl's told me loads about what you've done for Lola and Lexi.

You deserve someone, it's just not me.

See you around.

Peter, how could you forget to pick up the carrots?

-I forgot, I'm sorry.

-They're our bestseller. What's going to happen?

A punter comes, wants to buy some, we haven't got any -

We lose customers.

Are you happy to have your granddaughter

mix with that lot, are you?

-Peter, you need to keep on top of things.

-Ian...

I got distracted, all right? I'm sorry.

Look, it's just some carrots.

I run successful businesses, OK?

I keep on top of things. It matters.

It should matter to you. Well, does it?

Yeah, course it does.

Look, Peter knows he's messed up.

Look, I haven't got the time to check you know how to run the stall.

Look, come on, let's leave him to it. He can sort it.

Come on, let's go. Come on.

-She's seen us.

-Yeah, I know. Don't make eye contact.

Dad, shouldn't you say something?

Not yet.

How the hell am I supposed to find stuff?

Well, I did tell you to label the boxes, didn't I?

Do you want to come with me, sort stuff for the pub food?

She will come round, it's just the shock.

And I know who to thank for that.

So the whole thing with the jam...

that's your way of dealing with it, is it?

Making a point of treating the boy different?

I should have told you straightaway but it's still our Johnny,

-what is your problem?

-I haven't got one.

Ah! What are you doing?

You said you were tidying up this morning.

-I will.

-I can't believe you.

It's 11 o'clock and some of us have already done a day's work.

11? Oh...

-Where are you going?

-I'm late.

Oh, another bout of doing nothing?

For a job interview. Sorry.

Ignoring it isn't going to make it go away.

No, cos it ain't working with you.

Your son is gay, he hasn't got a cold or anything.

You do know that's a pretty permanent thing? There's no cream for it.

No wonder he found it difficult to talk to you,

cos when I spoke to him, he was pretty desperate.

What do you mean, when you spoke to him?

The boy needed support.

I told you - when it comes to my kids,

wind that scraggy neck of yours in.

-Oh, do me a favour.

-You keep out of their lives.

Oh, behave yourself. Your own son was too scared

to tell you that he was gay.

Ah, look...

the perfect caring mother.

Right, let's get the drawbridge down and let the hordes in.

What have you said to her?

Nothing...

..that hasn't been said before.

So was it in the face?

So could we do, say, 20 of these and the same with the curries?

Like a proper punch?

It was hardly a punch, I just...

Can we do the food?

You'll have to deal with my dad, I'm just covering for an hour.

-All right, but we could sort something?

-Don't see why not.

Well, I'll get my dad to speak to your dad.

-OK.

-Nice to meet you.

-You too.

He was all over the place, he had a right go at me.

Do you want to go and find him?

No, it's fine. He's with Sharon.

He's got himself all worked up about the menu and about...

Look, it doesn't matter, does it?

Oi, stop stressing about this.

It does matter. He is your dad, all right?

Go and make sure he's all right

and let me concentrate on getting us our own place.

I'm thinking something with a bit of crunch in it.

-I was thinking beans. French beans? What do you think, Sharon?

-Ian, stop.

-Right, beans it is, then.

-Turbot, celeriac, peas.

-Beans.

Beans, it's all good, Ian. But you've got to slow down.

What, and do what? Let things get on top of me? I can't do that, Sharon.

I've got to get these menus right for the bloggers, OK?

Maybe there's nothing wrong with the menu, Ian.

Maybe there's other stuff that needs sorting.

Setting up in your own place, it's tough, you know.

Yeah, we know that, Pops.

That's why we're going to go private first.

You serious? There's no way he can afford that.

Well, I'm not going to let Lola and Lexi go without, am I?

I'll do whatever it takes. I'll get night shifts, extra work.

I mean, there's work out there, you've just got to find it.

Oh, come on, Pops, I was going to tell you when we found a place.

I wasn't going to just leave you, I wouldn't do that to you.

I just don't see why you've got to move out.

Because we want to be together.

Why doesn't Peter move in with us, then?

-There you go, winkle.

-Ta, mate. Keep that.

Thank you very much.

-Don't worry, I'm not here for you.

-I'm not interested, all right?

-I'm avoiding Lucy.

-Whatever.

-I said you'd speak to her dad.

-I want her out.

Hold on a minute, sweetheart. What do you mean, out?

The food was really good.

I don't want you working here, you're sacked.

-SHIRLEY:

-What? Is she the boss now?

-I run this place.

I decide who does and doesn't get to work here.

Can we take this upstairs, please?

I want her out of my pub.

Your pub? You wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for me.

Do we have to do this... Please, Mum....

Don't you ever tell me how to behave in my pub.

It's our pub, it's the family's.

Yeah, exactly, our family, that's me, you and the kids -

it don't include old Bagpuss here.

Listen to it, kicking off.

Just because she just found out that her precious little boy is gay?

And it's no wonder, is it? With a mother like you.

-I shouldn't have shouted at Peter like that.

-He'll be fine.

I'm having a go at him over Lola,

-and then I'm shouting at him over carrots.

-It's a difficult time...

Yeah. Made worse by Phil.

Oh, that's not fair.

You can't blame him if you let stuff build up rather than deal with it.

He's the one who's laying down the law, shouting the odds.

-He's being protective.

-Protective?

Ian, come on, you know what he's like.

If the two of you just talked, then...

Yeah, right, like that's going to happen.

I'm shouting at Peter, Cindy's due back,

-and me and Denise, we're all over the place...

-You can't pin that on Phil.

I just want...

I just want everything to be quiet.

Everyone just to shut up. Just for two minutes.

I just want some quiet, that's all.

-Oh, sorry...

-You looking for Carl?

-Yeah, could I just...

-No, love, he's not here. I've moved in now.

-What? He's gone?

-Well, if he ain't,

he's playing a very good game of hide and seek up there.

-Where, where's he gone?

-I dunno.

I heard he done a runner and I got lucky with the flat.

And if you do see him,

tell him he's got an unpaid electric bill, will you?

Oi!

You ain't got a bowl of sugar for a new neighbour?

-You've moved in here?

-Or some coffee?

We could do that advert where I keep popping round.

Why would you do this? Why have you moved into the Square?

Because of you.

I want to be close to you. I've done this for you and the kids.

Well, I suggest get your deposit back, Terry, cos I'm not interested.

Oi, stop pushing in. Vodka, please.

With?

Another vodka.

What's wrong? Bad news?

Yeah, something like that.

You going to stop giving me evils or what?

Nothing like a public outing to make a bloke feel good about himself.

You done with that?

-Mum...

-Yes, handsome, what can I get you?

You know, I love this pub.

-That's lucky, innit?

-I really do.

You only have to walk in here and there's a familiar face.

Listen. Stop.

I love the Square. It's my home.

Seriously, if you don't stop sulking I will punch you again.

-Yeah?

-That's on me.

What are you doing?

I want to see you.

-What's the matter?

-Mum.

She'll get over it.

Yeah, she was just bursting to hug me.

What, and that's what you was expecting?

Gordon Bennett, boy,

you want to cut those apron strings before they strangle you.

We agreed, you don't come in the pub.

I ain't playing stupid games any more.

My dad sees you, he will lose his nut.

-I can handle him.

-Of course you can.

-We can't sneak about like this for ever.

-I know.

-We've just got to be a bit clever about it.

-I ain't going nowhere.

-Shut up.

-I mean it. If I can't come up there, then I'm staying out here.

-What?

-The B&B over there.

Don't be stupid.

I've had you snatched away from me once,

I ain't letting that happen again.

I'm staying put and if your old man don't like it, he can stick it.

-There you go, babe.

-Cheers. Stick it down there.

I was going to ask her to marry me.

-Wow.

-Yeah, I bought a ring and everything.

A new one, not one of the ones I've had thrown back at me in the past.

We've done pretty well between us.

-I think the only people we haven't married is each other.

-Funny, that.

You were never my type.

Oh! You fancied me rotten when we were spotty teenagers.

No, that wasn't me.

-Really?

-Yeah.

We went out together, don't forget, all those little poems...

Look, I was a teenager, I fancied everyone.

So you said "Was." "Was going to ask her."

Yeah.

At Christmas, it was going to be a surprise.

She was, uh...

talking to Patrick and he told her.

Told her what?

-Told her I was going to ask, so I backed off.

-Why?

If she knew I was going to ask, it wouldn't be a surprise,

I wouldn't know if her response was genuine.

-She'd only say yes if she wanted to.

-I wouldn't know if she meant it.

-Oh, Ian...

-Sharon, all right, I'm not stupid, OK?

I know I'm not some fantastic catch,

but...I'm a good man, I am.

Yeah, course you are.

Well, has she said anything

about knowing what you were going to do, hinted at it?

I mean, to be honest, you and Denise,

I don't think anyone saw that coming. I certainly didn't.

-Yeah, I know. But it works.

-It works?

-Yeah.

This is someone you were going to ask to marry you, not a new car.

Well, do you love her?

So, she knows you were going to ask her to marry you

and she's said nothing?

You need to confront it, not mope around feeling sorry for yourself.

-Oh, thanks, you're supposed to be my mate.

-I am your mate.

So why are you telling me to go round there and chase her off?

Ian, that is not what I mean.

Why do you always have to turn things around,

think everyone's against you?

No wonder you got ill.

Ian...Ian, I'm sorry, babe. I didn't mean that.

Mick, I need those shifts back.

Shouting your mouth off was hardly the brightest idea.

Oh, come on, she's got a rod so far up her bum

she could be a ride on the merry-go-round.

It's a lot for her to deal with.

Throwing your toys out of the pram, that's dealing with it, is it?

I just don't need you gobbing off, it's not helping.

There you are.

Oh, big, successful brother in the building.

I thought I might find you here.

Brother, brother. My big brother.

You know, getting drunk, that's not the way.

Judge not lest ye be judged...

Look, it doesn't matter. It was just an interview.

-It's no big deal, there'll be others.

-No, there won't.

-There won't.

-Don't be daft, of course there will.

No. Not for a while.

Why? Why wouldn't there be?

Something bad's happened.

Something really...bad.

What?

I was offered the job, the best job I've ever been offered.

That's great news, isn't it?

It's in Birmingham.

Pete, give us one of them. Cheers.

Oi. You all right?

Guess what? Pops is going to treat us to a takeaway tonight...

Are you sure he's all right about this,

he's not just doing it cos he don't want to lose you?

Yeah, maybe, but that's what families do, they help each other out.

Yeah, not all family does, though.

Well, let's tell him, yeah? Phil, come here.

-I want to tell you something.

-Tell me what?

We want you to know that me and Peter are back together again.

And here's some more news.

We're going to be together properly, cos Pops asked Peter to move in.

Didn't you, Pops?

-Ian, I was only trying to help.

-You think it's easy being me?

I'm 44 and I'm scared of having my head shoved down the bog

-by the bloke you reckon you love.

-Ian, please...

To top it all, I'm running around in circles scared

-I'm going to have another breakdown.

-Of course you're not.

-Who knows?

What I do know is Denise might not be that mad on me,

she might not be the love of my life,

but she's the one stable thing that I've got in my life.

So I'm going to cling on to it.

Phil, will you just listen to me?

You should be putting a stop to it.

-She's family.

-Yeah, and Lexi's my family, ain't she?

Oh, and you think this loser can provide for you, do you?

-Yeah, I can.

-He is not a loser.

-Oh, do me a favour.

-You know what?

I don't even know why I'm even bothering with you

because this is sorted, OK? Right, Pops?

I'm not having my granddaughter brought up by a Beale.

She's my granddaughter, she's my life

and what was it you always tell me, Phil, eh?

You never turn your back on your family.

He is not...NOT moving in.

Yeah, they look nice.

Cute on her, wouldn't it?

Wish I could wear...

-I told you, I'm not interested.

-You got any towels?

-Towels?

-Towels, yeah.

Do I look like I sell towels?

-So you don't do towels?

-Are you having a laugh?

-You've got no towels?

-Are you for real?

No, I don't do towels. No. I do not sell towels.

Fair enough.

We've got towels.

Is that it? Is that you trying to win me round?

Asking for towels?

What are you playing at?

The long game, son, the LONG game.

Hello?

Ah, just the lady. I was hoping I was going to catch you.

Oh, yeah, the rent. Yeah, I'm good for it.

No, no, no. This came for you.

Not a late Christmas card, I take it?

Divorce papers.

Ah...

Marriage - till death us do part.

Or at least until the post turns up.

TEXT MESSAGE ALERT SOUNDS

We've had a good few punters for a Monday lunchtime.

We'd have had more if we had some grub to serve them.

Yeah, well, I think Nancy, she's got some good ideas on that.

I know it's a shock.

A shock?

It's not a shock.

-But, you know, all this...

-That's the whole point...

I knew.

This...

it's all because of me.

What?

-Don't be stupid.

-He nearly died.

I've never known pain like that...

..seeing his little body...

..just still.

-Just so still...

-I know. I know, darling, I know.

And then he came back. Screaming.

And that's when I knew, I knew I'd never let anything happen to him.

I'd keep him so close, I wouldn't let anything hurt him.

And nothing has.

He's still our little boy.

Him being gay, it doesn't matter.

No, you don't get it.

I've protected him his whole life, but men...

-..they'll hurt him.

-Linda...

He's sensitive, he's too accepting, you know,

men will just take advantage of him.

Nancy, right, she comes out fighting,

like with Wayne and the others because I taught her that, you know,

I taught her not to take any rubbish.

But Johnny...

..I don't want him getting hurt.

Well, you're the only one hurting him.

No.

Don't do this.

He needs us.

No. I don't want a...

a son like that.

I don't have a son like that.

Denise...will you...?

Denise...should we...?

DOOR OPENS

-DOOR CLOSES

-Ian.

Jane?

I should have called.

No, it's fine. Come on through.

I'm sorry, I didn't even knock, I just barged in.

Yeah, it's just a bit of a surprise, that's all.

Yeah, I was in London shopping and I thought, well, you know,

-being so near and that.

-Yeah. Right.

I've just texted the kids,

-Lucy's going to swipe Bobby out of school, if that's OK?

-Fine.

It's good to see you.

And you.

-You well?

-Yeah, I'm good. But are you...?

-Are you OK?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

Look, I can't stay for very long.

Four toilets back there to bleach...

Jane!

L...

Linda, we can't leave this hanging.

There's nothing left to say. We got a pub to run.

Right, which one of you handsome blokes needs serving?

-Ah, well...

-She did say handsome, so...

-So, obviously...

-Can I have...

Come on, now, your LL Cool J moustache, man! Come on, man.

-Like I said to Ian, I should have called.

-No!

No, it's fine.

Look at me, stood here, where's my manners?

-Tea. Yeah? You want a tea?

-Yeah, that sounds great.

Right. I'll stick the kettle on.

Oh! You got a new kettle.

Yeah, sorry, the old one weren't up to the job, was it, Ian?

-No.

-Kept cutting out before it boiled.

So, Ian never told me that you were coming.

He didn't know. I just took a chance and popped in.

Well, Jane, eh? Jane! Back in Walford!

The place looks exactly the same. Nothing changes, eh?

I tell you what, it's great, it's great to see you.

Mum!

Here you are! Oh!

Look at you!

You seem to grow a foot every couple of months, don't you?

So, what do you mean you're going to turn it down?

I don't want to go to Birmingham.

Well, you must have known where the job was?

They're a big national firm.

They offered me something different to what I was being interviewed for.

Something better or something worse?

Better, a lot better.

I applied for a mechanic at their Camden set-up,

and they offered me assistant garage manager.

-I've never assistant managed...

-You've never assisted anybody.

Yeah!

No, but that's good, isn't it?

I mean, Syed, Christian, Yasmin, they'd love having you around.

I mean, they love chaos. They love mess.

AJ CHUCKLES

I wasn't planning on packing my bags and going...

I like it here...with you.

So, it's a letting agency?

Not just that, it's like commercial properties,

really expensive ones as well.

And I run the whole business with Billy Mitchell.

So, I guess I'm in charge, really.

It sounds brilliant. So, you're enjoying it?

-Are you going to stay for something to eat?

-Oh, I'm not sure, Denise...

Yeah, I really love it. Negotiating with customers and making deals.

You sound just like your dad.

Except it's not just chips and bacon, it's real business.

Well, you do look the part, Lucy. Very young businesswoman, isn't she?

-Here he is, Mr Handsome.

-Come here, Jane!

You know what, I think I better be getting back to the B&B.

Oh, really? I'd love to catch up more. Will I see you before I go?

Yeah. Well, it depends on how long you're staying,

because Kim's away, and things are pretty full-on over there.

But it's been good. It's been really good to see you.

(Thanks.)

-I miss you.

-Well, I miss you more!

You know, I don't know what's wrong with Billy, but I'm telling you,

-he ain't going to get nowhere fast.

-Says Audley Harrison!

Oh, what, don't start all that! I'm talking about him, not me.

-You know what, top marks for trying, Bill.

-Leave it out, will you?

No, seriously, man, respect where respect is due.

Respect for what? What's he done?

It's more what he hasn't done, brother.

Sorry about them. Idiots.

He doesn't know when to quit does he, sweetie?

I don't know, if ever there was a bloke could turn a girl...

-Oh, whatever.

-Billy?

I won't embarrass the bloke by going into detail,

but put it this way,

there's more to Billy than meets the eye, if you know what I mean?

What?

I don't think you should be watching that any more. No, I don't.

Aren't you going to stay?

No, I need to get back to the restaurant.

-Jane's only going to be here for a bit.

-Yeah, she came to see you kids.

If I don't see you before you go, it was good seeing you.

-I'm not rushing off.

-You're staying?

Yeah, for a bit...

Can Mum stay, Dad?

Yeah, but she's only here for a little while.

-Peter, why don't you tell Jane about you moving out?

-Eh? What's this?

It was good seeing you again.

Oh, for crying out loud!

-Oh!

-You want a hand?

Er, there is a bell!

-I'm looking for a room.

-Single?

Funny you should mention that...

Er, sorry. Yeah, single's good.

-OK. How long you staying for?

-As long as it takes.

Right. Stupid thing! Come on!

-Not your day, I take it?

-Don't ask!

Anywhere I can get a drink around here?

Yeah, there's a pub just across the Square.

Yeah, I was thinking more somewhere without an overprotective dad

and a shotgun. Not really my day either.

Not my week, if I'm honest.

No, that's fine, mate. I can come to you.

Don't know. About a half hour?

All right, I'll see you then. All right, cheers. Bye.

That's your copy, innit? I've already got mine.

So, I sign this, and that's it, it's done.

Yep, get them signed, put them in the post for me.

So, divorce papers, then we're finished?

Well, yeah, that's generally how it works.

But it won't, will it, Max?

We've already tried signing the last set of papers.

We can sign all the documents going,

but it won't change what we've got.

It'll always be there.

Me and you.

Always.

You coming out, or am I going to lock you in?

I've got say, sweetheart, you've got a bit of a crowd in here.

Just picking up on what you set up, sweetheart.

-Go on, on the house, those two.

-Cheers.

-Lovely. Thank you.

NANCY CLEARS HER THROAT

-Enjoying the view?

-No, we're just having a drink.

-I don't know what you're talking about.

-She's older than she looks.

Yeah, but she has got some serious circumference, man.

-Wow, that's my mum!

-Eyes up, Fats, man, come on!

Do you reckon it's true what they say,

about the daughter and the mother, you know?

Hold tight. Wait. You and Miss Fisticuffs?

Are you serious? You don't? You do!

Listen, I know you're under it in here.

If you want to go and get a bit of fresh air, just let me know, yeah?

Same again, was it?

He's still the same boy.

Same again, sweetheart?

-So, how are you going to manage?

-We just will.

He's all loved-up - what else matters?

Er, council tax, food bills, electric...

That's why we're moving in with Billy first,

-till I get some more money coming in.

-And how's the stall going?

Yeah, it's all right, actually.

I mean, there's a bit of competition from those Pound A Bowl stalls

up on the high street, but, yeah, it's not too bad.

Apart from you close up early to see me?

Yeah, well, some things are more important.

Yeah, yeah, they are.

I stood there like some idiot.

It's not as though she's not old enough to make her own decisions.

-Thank you.

-Well, you're both grown-ups.

Try telling that to her old man.

Coming in, telling us what we can and can't do.

Tell you what, at the end of the day,

the only people you've got to be true to is yourselves.

-That's why I'm staying put.

-Good for you.

Life's too short to spend it worrying what other people think.

What is it that you young people say, you say...

YOLO.

-Yeah, you only live once, innit?

-Exactly.

It's like my sister, Kim. She's always...

wading in, telling me what she thinks of my fella.

As if I care that he's not the most...

exciting man in the world.

He's a kind man.

And don't you start, because you don't even know him.

I ain't starting nothing.

So, what's Denise said? Is she worried about him?

Denise is Denise.

What are you going to say to him?

To be honest...

I don't know.

I need another drink.

Will you pack it in?

Just because you don't need to take the edge off your life.

Everything's always perfect with me!

AJ, you made a New Year's resolution to find a new job and you have.

-A new job doesn't necessarily mean a better life.

-AJ!

OK, you're a grown-up.

I'm not your dad. You do what you want.

If you think getting drunk is a way of dealing with this,

you're a bigger fool than I thought.

Seriously, come on...

-I knew it wouldn't take him long.

-What?

My dad and arm wrestling - it's going to be a long night.

-Pipe down.

-Do me a favour, mate, I wouldn't want to hurt you.

I'm undefeated, all right?

I've beat geezers who are built like brick walls

and I'll tell you for why. It's all in the nut.

Right, I'll tell you what. We'll do it another time, yeah?

What's the matter with you? Dexter and Fatboy!

You look like semi-strong lads! Get yourself over here.

-White wine.

-I think you're in trouble, boys.

All right. Sit down there.

Everybody. Dexter and Fatboy. Arm wrestle. What do you reckon?

-What? OK, come, come...

-Lads, eh?

I know. It's times like this I appreciate my life choices.

You don't see many arm-wrestling dy...gay ladies, do you?

-Lesbians?

-Yeah, and them.

No, but I know a few diesels who'd give these a run for their money.

One arm behind your back.

Let me buy you a drink?

And why would I do that?

Because you want me to sign the papers,

and I want a quick drink before I do.

-Stick another one in there, will ya?

-All set?

-Come on, Fats!

-Nice one, Alf.

-Look, Fats, listen. Boy to boy.

-Please, just let me win?

-You must be mad, innit.

-Whatever you say.

Shush! The pair of you.

Shush. Ready...

Set... Wrestle.

-Boom!

-I weren't ready!

-Do you know what? I'm left-handed.

-Come on, Dexter. Come on, Dexter.

Ian?

So, this is the new centre of the Beale empire, is it?

Yeah.

Scarlett's?

-Yeah.

-Because....?

Well, it's complicated.

Didn't the club across the road used to be called Scarlett's?

Yeah.

Fair enough. It's a bit random, but...

I'd have probably gone a bit more with the location.

-Turpin's or something like that.

-Turpin's?

Well, certainly not Scarlett's. It's not quite what I expected.

In what way?

Out there in the restaurant, it's a bit...

The colour, the decor. Those lamps... I mean, what are they about?

-And the linen, really?

-Right, so I take it you don't like it?

-It's not very you.

-Well, what is me?

You tell me.

-Why are you here, Jane?

-Peter called me.

-Elbows, Alfie, elbows.

-Go on, Alfie! Slam him!

Come on, Fats, man! Grit your teeth!

COME ON! COME ON!

He's going to be gutted he lost.

I reckon he's got his eye on your niece.

Even though she knocked him into the middle of next week?

I think that's what did it for him.

Well, he ain't got a chance, has he? She's all loved-up.

With a bloke? I mean, I'm assuming she's not another one of your mob?

No, no, it's just the two of us in our family.

-So, that's 2-1 to the Carters, innit?

-What?

Well, you Mitchells, just got Ben? Unless my hunch about Phil's right.

Well, I wouldn't say that too loud in here!

All the signs are there, ain't they?

You know, the shaved head, the "bit of rough" look.

You want to check his CD collection - any Judy Garland... Just saying!

Oh, yeah? Come on, respect, Bill.

-Eh? What was that all about?

-Ain't got a clue.

FATBOY GRUNTS

SHOUTING AND CHEERING

Who's the daddy? Eh, Fats?

Mick. Let's have it.

Yeah. Got to hold my hands up there.

I tell you what, listen. Let's liven it up, right?

We'll have some readies on it.

Head to heads, who's up for it? Come on. Readies. Come on.

I'll give it a go, if you promise not to stop when I say I submit.

Sorry, love, I don't do tag wrestling.

Oh, don't look at me, darling, he's big enough

and ugly enough to look after himself.

Come on. Who's up for it? Put your hand in your pocket.

What's happening. Let's get involved.

CHEERING

Go on, Shirl. Go on, Shirl. Right. Challenger for my sister.

Who's up for it? Come on.

Come on, then. Whoa, hold up. Hold up.

-That's fine by me.

-Don't. Don't do this.

Why not? It's not like I'm going to break her arm or anything.

Dad, just stop them.

If she is as strong as she is hot like fire, brother,

-this is going to be over quickly.

-Will you pack it in when I'm around?

-It's him not me, you know.

-Hey, it's her circumference, you know.

She's old enough to be your mum - she IS my mum.

Maybe back in the day, when she was flopping them out in the papers.

-What did you say?

-One minute, what did you say?

If I win, I get my job back.

I win, you move out.

Ready... Set...

Wrestle.

CHEERING

So, since when is how I'm doing a concern of yours?

-I care about you, Ian.

-Yeah, I remember how much.

I don't need my son calling you, telling tales.

Peter didn't call me to tell tales - he called me because he loves you.

As do all your kids, and they are worried about you.

Right, so you drop everything and just turn up here?

To do what, Jane? I mean, why are you here?

To let you know you're not alone.

To make sure you know that your kids love you,

that your friends are concerned about you.

And I still care that you're OK.

I'm fine, OK?

I am. I'm busy, which is good.

I'm always chasing my tail. You know what I'm like.

But it's pressure, all right? It's not stress.

I mean, stress is when you're not in control.

But I am in control. Sometimes, there's times when I'm pressured...

but I'm in control...

You know, don't you?

Come on, Shirl!

-All right, Mickey, fiver on your sister?

-Go on, Shirl.

Can't take your money, mate, because who ever wins, I'm stuffed.

What do you reckon?

We could have our own little wrestle if you like...

I'd let you win.

-I have got nothing.

-Try typing in "topless" or something.

I've typed in "topless", I've typed in "naked", I got nothing...

-What you guys up to?

-We're trying to search for the treasure.

-You what?

Yeah, supposedly Nancy reckons her mum used to do

-a bit of topless modelling, bruv.

-Shut up!

Yeah, but we can't find the pictures anywhere!

Yeah, we just keep finding pictures of Lynda Carter, Wonder Woman.

Yep, I remember that. Saturday nights, back in the day.

I used to watch both of them. Right, here's the deal.

Last one to find them has to buy the other two drinks. Go.

You still here? Come on.

Come home, before Ian starts charging you rent.

I thought you weren't my dad.

No, but I am your big brother.

Yeah, and you won't let me forget it.

I wouldn't be doing my duty if I did.

So, this job, good money?

-Yeah.

-Cheaper cost of living?

Probably.

Tam and I don't want you to go -

as annoying as you are,

it's been great having you here.

So, there's only one way to decide this...

It's how you used to decide everything.

Big decision, you toss a coin.

AJ, I only want what's best for you.

Heads, you stay, tails, you go.

So, what's it to be?

Walford and the same old or Birmingham and who knows what?

-Heads, I stay, tails, I go?

-Yeah.

Tails, I go.

Looks like I'm going to Birmingham.

You know,

-I'm with someone and guess what?

-What?

His name's Ian, only it's spelt with an extra I.

That's obviously where I went wrong, then!

Is he nice? Well, obviously he's nice.

-You and Denise, I didn't see that coming.

-No, me neither.

I'm really pleased you're with her, though.

-She's good with the kids.

-That's good.

Yeah, it's good.

All good.

-Yeah, it's good we're all happy, isn't it?

-Yeah.

I'd better go.

Yeah, I've got a restaurant to run.

-Some important critic coming or something?

-Bloggers.

Bloggers? Right, well, good luck with that.

My car's parked in the Square. I'll pop in and say bye to the kids.

Yeah, OK.

It's good to see you.

And you.

Are you OK?

Bye.

-What's this? The search party?

-Peter said you might have gone, Mum.

Love, I do have to leave now.

But I wouldn't go without saying bye to my best boy, would I?

Bobby, we should let Jane go.

Well, I need to find my car.

Hope it hasn't been towed or clamped or something.

I'll see you soon. I promise.

Come on, we'll see her soon.

Is Dad all right?

It's not me he needs, Peter.

What do you mean?

I mean, you've got to deal with this as a family. And I am...

He's with Denise now, she's the one you need to turn to, not me.

Ian?

SHE SIGHS

Max, why pretend like it's not going to happen, eh?

Kirsty, please just back off, all right?

It ain't going to happen. We're done!

Tanya said you'd traded down.

-Oh, are you the bloggers?

-Yeah!

-Sorry, I've had to close early.

-Hold on!

-We've been invited!

-So, when did you last see her?

-At Christmas.

Move, move, move!

Is she OK?

She's more than OK, Max. She's good.

Wait!

She's with someone.

Right.

This one's a keeper. Someone that treats her like she deserves.

What's the matter, Crowface, nothing left?

-Oh, I could do this all night.

-No-one's watching.

There's nothing wrong with you backing down, calling it a draw...

What's this, the naughty corner or something?

No, no, just browsing... The boys were going on about Linda...

doing a Page Three kind of thing...

But we can't find the picture.

Here he is... Maximus Branning!

Mick, it's all right, mate. I got this. Let's go.

-What are you doing? You rescuing me?

-Yeah, I am, yeah. Let's go.

Nancy, sort this out for me, please.

-Right, it's a draw.

-What did you do that for?

-I was just about to win!

-Oh, wind it in.

No, you wind it in, all right? The pair of you.

No-one's interested. It's done. Shirley's back on the rota.

Listen to me, listen.

She's going to stop spouting off,

and you are going to leave her alone.

Let's focus on serving some punters, please?

Yes? Ladies and gentlemen, who ain't got a drink?

-Bobby, your bath's ready.

-I just want to finish this.

No, you're having a bath now...

Hiya.

I, er...

Was this for me?

Yeah.

Yes.

I will marry you.

SHE SIGHS

I am in need of a coffee. You all right?

You all right?

You've got to be kidding me? What, is she upstairs right now?

Well, unless she walked back to the B&B in her bare feet.

Her shoes are in the living room.

SHE SCOFFS

No, please do not say anything, though, Lauren.

I can't face a row.

And he accuses me of being immature!

Wow. One of the nicest ones you've bought, Dad. Congratulations(!)

-Did I not say?

-Yes, you did, yeah.

-Say what?

-That you'd come out with something cynical.

I wonder if my last bridesmaid's dress will still fit?

Eh, who says you're even invited?

Anyway, it's not that big a deal.

Just think of it as our last desperate stab

at some sort of respectability.

-When's the engagement party?

-Who said we're having a party?

Actually that's not a bad idea, Lucy. I think we should do that.

I'm going to call Mick, see if we can book the Vic.

How much is that going to cost?

I'm off to work.

You know, I am actually pleased.

Out of all my mums, you're definitely...

in the top three.

Well, you're my third favourite daughter, so that makes us quits.

See ya.

Aw, hello, you! Who's a beautiful boy?

It's a girl.

-Oh, sorry. Don't take it personally.

-She clearly likes you.

Normally she's very choosy about who she licks.

-Aren't you?

-Yeah, well, I'll take that as a compliment.

-What's going on here?

-He's just given me a flyer.

Looks more camp than the Girl Guides, if you ask me.

-SHE GASPS

-Looks well exciting!

Really? Not really my cup of tea.

Anyway, I'll see you. Bye-bye, girl.

Excuse me, can I have a couple of them flyers?

Course you can, darling, there you go.

Nah, that's all right, mate. No, no, it is what it is.

All right, see you later.

Lauren, I've got a favour to ask you.

David's just called, he's got to slope off.

I've got to go to a car auction, so I need

someone to keep an eye on the car lot, if that's all right?

Is that all right?

-I like your jacket.

-Lauren, don't.

The colour's a little bit dated, but whatever.

No, that's all right. Go on, Lauren.

You got something to say, Lauren, just say it.

-Guys, do we have to...?

-When were you going to tell us, then, eh?

Probably about the same time you were going to tell me about Mum's new fella.

Yeah, and don't pretend you don't know, cos I saw Jane. She told me.

Hiya. Any of you two got a hairdryer you can lend me?

-Sure.

-Lauren's got a problem with you staying over last night.

-Dad! I didn't say that.

-No big deal, is it?

Geezer sleeps with his lawfully-wedded wife?

You going to watch the car lot for me or not?

I'll get you that hairdryer.

-How did you know?!

-So I'm right then?

-No, how did you know?

-Call it male intuition.

Seriously, did we say anything?

Didn't have to. You were so shocked, and not upset.

Well, not in that way. So I put two and two together...

Well, I got two.

Thanks. But don't go spreading it around, will you?

-No, course not.

-You're all right, you are.

-Tell madam that.

-She still saying no?

I'm playing the long game. Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey.

SHE LAUGHS What time do you call this?

What's that you've just give her?

-I didn't.

-Yes, you did, I just saw you!

-I didn't.

Look, forget that. He wants to take you out, but he's too scared.

-I never said that!

-Where to, where to?

I dunno. Round mine if you like?

-I got a new telly.

-I've got me own telly!

I'll work on her.

Mmm.

-Here you go.

-Thanks, Abi.

I'll put it back in your bedroom soon as I've finished with it.

-Yeah, well, I'm going to go. So I'll see you later.

-OK.

-See you later, Abs.

-See ya.

SHE SIGHS

This is where we say, "Alone at last."

Actually, I've got all these e-mails to catch up on.

Come on, we can go back upstairs.

And this time we can make as much noise as we like.

You know you want to.

Actually, I need to get to work.

You need to dry your hair, don't you?

See ya.

He's a nice bloke, what's the matter with her?

I gave up a long time ago trying to work out why

Bianca's the way she is.

-Two quid, please.

-There you are.

-Cheers.

So he's got a bit of baggage, like she ain't.

More baggage than a jumbo jet, that girl.

Can't you say something to her?

Anything I suggest, she does the exact opposite.

-So suggest the exact opposite. See ya later.

-See ya later.

-Can I have a coffee, please?

-All right, darling.

-Takeaway.

-OK.

You all right?

Clearly not.

Look, Lauren...

I know we're not together, but if you're upset...

You up for it?

-No.

-Oh, come on, it's free entry and half-price drinks till ten.

-Shirl's going, aren't you, Shirl?

-I'm going to wear my sparkly tights.

-See, how can you say no after that?

-Not really my thing.

Well, he used to say the same thing about milk when he was a little boy. Look at him now.

Nance, you have a word, he listens to you.

-I'm staying out of it.

-And so should you. Will you tell 'em, Mick?

-No, I'm with Nance.

-Just leave him alone!

Sorry, Linda, I don't understand. What's the problem?

"Since when was it such a big deal for a man to sleep

"with his lawfully-wedded wife?"

-HE LAUGHS

-Is that what he said?

And I'm like, "How has he got the nerve?"

-So what did you say?

-Nothing.

It was only going to cause another argument, weren't it?

What you've got to understand is...

Can you not try and defend him, please?

I'm not saying he's not been an idiot.

But I put myself in his shoes, and I can see why.

He's just found out your mum's got a new bloke.

That's a massive kick in the teeth.

He's lonely, he's upset...

Me and you would've reached for the bottle.

He's reached for her. What's the difference?

I miss you.

Don't do this, Jake. We agreed.

Do you miss me?

HE SIGHS DEEPLY

You can say no if you want to...

..but I've got the house to myself tonight.

Sadie's taking Bella to a swimming gala.

She won't be back till around ten.

-Lauren?

-How can I slag him off for it and then go

and do exactly the same thing?

-It's just, every time I see you...

-I said DON'T.

Best we avoid each other completely from now on then, yeah?

-I've been thinking about our engagement party.

-Yeah?

I think we should have it at Scarlett's.

Scarlett's is too posh, Ian. People will feel uncomfortable.

But it's my place, OK? We can do what we want,

-have it as informal as we like.

-But I've already booked the Vic.

Already?

-I thought you wanted to make me happy?

-I do.

Well, what's going to make me happy

is having our engagement party at the Vic.

-All right?

-All right. Fine. Whatever.

See you in a bit.

What do you want?

Have I got that right? You're actually marrying him?

You've really gone and done it now, innit?

-Done what?

-Turned yourself into more of a challenge.

You all right to do a shift in the pub tonight?

Only Tracey wants the night off.

Shirley and Tina are still trying to get me out to this club.

And what have you said?

You know...

I just wish everybody would back off.

Mick? Mick?

Here, you'll like this. I've had that Denise on the phone.

She's getting married to Ian.

Guess who they've asked to lay on the engagement party?

-You need to have a word with Shirley and Tina.

-Why?

They're ganging up on Johnny, trying to

get him to go to this club opening tonight.

So?

You do realise what kind of club it is? Don't walk away

-from me when I'm talking to you.

-We're out of scratchings.

He's vulnerable, and the last thing he needs is

-those two shoving their noses in.

-How come's the back door's open?

-I was taking out the recycling.

-Where's Lady Di?

-What?

She was down here, and you've left the back door open?

SHE EXHALES

'3.99, please.'

Probably disgusting, but it's only for cooking.

Never had you down as MasterChef.

Yeah, well, I'm not, but I'm making an effort.

-Me and Max are back together.

-Oh, really?

How many times does that make it now?

# Love is in the air... #

Oi, you, you either buy something or you get out.

I'm window-shopping. Checking out the merchandise.

I thought I'd made it absolutely clear to you -

-this one ain't for sale.

-But I can look, can't I?

-Everything all right, D?

-Yeah, yeah, I've got it handled, Fats.

-You sure? Cos I can...

-I don't do damsel in distress.

So knights in shining armour need not apply.

Right. You've got till I count to three.

-Mmm.

-One...

-And then what?

..two...

-I like bossy, it turns me on.

-..three!

-So come on. Do your worst.

-LADY DI BARKS

-Hey, hey, hey.

-What you doing?!

Aw, who's a beautiful girl?

I got bitten when I was a kid! I can't deal with that.

-See him? That fella over there?

-Seriously.

Oh, don't be so ridiculous. She's a lovely dog. Ain't you, girl?

Huh? Only being friendly.

Ugh, Lady Di!

LADY DI PANTS

-What you doing here?

-Can go where I want.

Nancy don't want nothing to do with you, so what are you doing here?

-It's a shop. I'm shopping.

-Only he's not.

Sorry about this.

Oh, no, don't worry about it, she's a sweetheart.

I'll make sure it don't happen again.

Come on, girl.

Ooh. Always did like a tough guy.

Yeah, I know all that, mate.

Problem is my business partner's indisposed,

-and I need someone to watch the shop, so...

-I can do it.

Hang on, mate.

-What?

-Like you asked me to.

-You serious?

-I'm here, aren't I?

Yes, mate. No, scrap all that. I can be there after all.

Yes, I'll be leaving in two minutes. All right. See you then, bye.

So what's brought this on?

Well, I'm sorry about this morning. Not for me to judge.

If Mum can do it, then so can you.

So what's he like, Mum's new fella?

What's she said about him?

Kat's been trying to twist me arm all morning to change me mind.

"Terry's so kind, Terry's so nice, Terry this, Terry that."

I'm getting sick of it.

Kat wants you to go out with a nice bloke?

What a cow.

Listen, I'm on your side. None of her business.

If you don't like him, you don't have to go out with him.

-I didn't say I didn't like him.

-What, are you telling me you do now?

It's his ex-wife I don't like.

Oh, I didn't realise, she's going to be there as well?

All right, I get it.

All Kat is saying that not all men are as nasty as...Tony.

Anyway...going round his flat, ain't exactly a date, is it?

Why would I want to go to a gay club, Danny?

I dunno. Because it'll be fun.

-Yeah, for you.

-And for you.

So you're telling me that there'll be no ogling whatsoever?

Who said anything about ogling?

Fine.

Well, if you want to go, you can go. Have a great time.

I don't really want to be a part of it.

Thank you.

Yeah, all right. OK. On one condition.

We don't talk about you-know-who.

I'll see you at half seven.

He said he's cooking. Dunno what I'm letting meself in for.

-There you go.

-Cheers.

-What's with the book?

-None of your business.

-Is that the one Terry give you?

-Why do you care?

None of your business either,

but I've decided to go round Terry's tonight after all.

Oh, yeah? What brought that on?

Just one condition - that we don't talk about Nikki.

Good for you. No, hold on. Give that...

-You are joking!

-Give it back. Shush!

Twins?! Aw, when did you find out?

Last week, but don't tell anyone, all right?

-Not till I'm past 12 weeks.

-I bet Alfie's over the moon! Aw!

-Shush!

-Oh, I promise I won't say nothing,

-but just tell me everything!

-Shut up!

-Twins!

Have you seen a photo of him? This "Tim"?

Tim. What sort of name is that anyway?

-So when did she first mention him?

-Can't remember.

Lauren, it's fine, you don't have to

try and spare my feelings, I just want to know.

All right. Six weeks? Two months maybe?

So it's serious then?

Must be serious, if she said to you not to mention anything.

Well, it's good, Lauren. I'm...pleased for her. It's good.

Everyone's moving on, so...it's really great, so...

Right, I'd better make a move.

Listen, I had a couple of sniffs earlier.

So if they come back, get all their details, tell 'em I'll get straight

back to 'em. But no haggling, all right? Leave that to me.

-All right, I'll see you later.

-Dad...

Yeah?

You are allowed to be unhappy, you know.

Who said I am?

See you later.

That shirt don't look right.

-Ain't you got nothing tighter?

-No!

Yes, you have, that one with the V neck.

-Why can't I just wear what I want to wear?

-Sorry?!

He just don't get it, does he? Typical man.

Maybe he needs, like, some gel in his hair or something?

Look, I've agreed to go, ain't I?

-Can you all just back off!

-What do you think you're doing?

Getting Johnny ready for his big night.

-He's working in the pub, and he knows that. Don't you, Johnny?

-Yup.

HE SIGHS

CHILDREN CHATTER

Mum, do you like this dress?

Got to take it back to the stall tomorrow.

You never told me what Kat said

when you told her that you'd changed your mind?

-Bianca?

-I got a secret.

Swear you won't say nothing, promise?

-What? To do with Terry?

-Nothing to do with Terry.

-Kat's pregnant.

-(What?!)

That's not the big news. She's only expecting twins!

But I didn't tell you, so please, promise, swear you won't say nothing?

-No, no, how long has she known?

-End of conversation! What do you think?

I think it looks gorgeous, yeah. I am so pleased you

and Terry are getting back together and sorting out your problems.

-Well...

-But, listen, just one thing that needs to finish that off.

Hang on a minute...

-Where's Dad?

-He's not home yet.

He's going to be well happy. Guess what?