04/03/2012 EastEnders Omnibus

ALFIE: 'You see, the thing is, poker, it isn't really about cards.

'It's not even about the size of your chip stack either.

'And when you're playing, everyone, and I mean everyone, is your enemy.

'You can't give them anything.

'It's you, on your own, against the world.

'And believe me, you have to win at all costs.

'Whatever it takes.'

There we have it. Five dollars! Come on, Alfie!

Mr High Roller comes home to roost. Well done, sister.

Oh, we're all winners.

Me with my scratchcards, you with your poker.

Here, this'll help the toothache.

But, Jean, five dollars isn't going to go far.

It's what you can do with it, Alfie, you being such a good poker player.

All right, sweetie, yeah?

This yours? Well, little Amy's?

I'm sure you don't need a little cup anymore, hmm?

Jack.

-Anger ain't good for the soul, mate.

-You ain't good for the soul.

-Hev, here.

-Oh.

-There you go.

-Oh, thank you.

What's all that for?

Ah, bridesmaid dresses, can't decide on a colour, though.

Mrs Branning reckons maybe salmon pink

but I don't know if I like salmon pink. What do you reckon?

It was just a scenario that didn't go our way, eh?

-No-one got hurt, nothing got damaged.

-Leave it, Derek, yeah?

-Oh, he's in the know now, is he?

-Come on, Jack.

-It don't matter.

-What d'you mean, don't matter?

If he says it don't matter, it don't.

Let's stop the arguing. It's done with, dusted.

I know you're busy but I'm at a bit of a loss.

I was wondering if you could help me pick my colours for my brides...

Don't worry. Come on, keep going forward, keep going forward.

-I'm doing my coursework!

-You'll be all right.

-Dad!

-Sorry.

-Where we going?

-Go on, open 'em.

-What? I don't see anything.

-Keep looking. Just keep looking.

I'm sure it's going to be around here somewhere

if you look quite closely.

-This?

-Yeah.

Oh, Ian.

I couldn't resist it.

Oh, you shouldn't have.

Yeah, you're telling me.

Come here, you.

Thank you.

Come on.

Pick a card.

-Shouldn't you be getting back to work?

-Just pick a card.

-Why?

Cos if you pick a queen,

then we spend the rest of the day in bed together.

-Come on.

-I've got to get to the club. We're opening early today.

Just give it to Fat Boy, throw him some money.

C'mon. One in 13 chance, let's go, let's go.

-Yeah.

-Oh.

Ten of diamonds.

Really?

You can't win 'em all, babe.

So, I'm thinking, maybe take the night off, game of cards.

-All right. Sure, man.

-£20 in, if that's not too rich.

Ooh. If you want to lose your money, then go right ahead.

Jean, listen to this talk, eh?!

I'm liking this bloke more and more, I am.

-Alfie's very good, you know.

-Oh, yeah? Me too.

Oh, right.

So, who else am I going to be taking money off, huh?

Main thing you get with this motor is reliability.

It's a diesel, engine's going to run forever,

it's got a full service history.

Yeah, it's got full service history.

Here, take it for a test drive, yeah?

Dough?

What, as in deer? Why don't I write you a cheque instead?

At least then we could make some of this dodgy vodka

(at least seem legal.)

-And why don't you be a good, little girl, hmm?

-Huh.

We want things to run smooth while Phil's away.

-Ain't that right, Bill?

-Oh, we do?

-Like a pearl.

Thank you. We'll make a necklace at this rate.

Oi.

That is not a man you want to be messing with.

Course he is. You all are. You men.

Oh, I have got years of payback in me.

Check this out, we have gone viral.

So, I put all the info into the My Mate Gate, all right.

Put all the links about the cheap booze and cheap entry,

and look at the hits I got! Go on, count 'em.

-You don't have to count them, there's a little thing.

-That's almost 200.

-Yeah, I know. And rising.

-D'you know, I love drunken wasters

more than anything in the world.

FAT BOY AND JANINE LAUGH

Me too.

-So you got lucky that time.

-Sorry?

Sold that car.

Oh, it's you. I didn't recognise you with your clothes on.

You're still there? You're still at Phil's. I suppose you would be.

Shouldn't you be looking after Amy?

Bet you couldn't sleep last couple of nights. Half expecting a knock at my door.

No offence, I don't like eating off my brother's plate.

Anyway, I got steak indoors. Don't need to go out for a burger, do I?

-TANYA LAUGHS

-So, he was looking in a compact, seriously?

Yeah, yeah, he'll be plucking his eyebrows next, won't he? Ha-ha.

Listen, you'd better get back to the salon,

-I need to get to the gym.

-Do you fancy having dinner with us tonight?

Sorry, he can't, we're busy.

-Oh, yeah, since when?

-You're celebrating.

-Don't know that Jack's in the mood.

-I've had a good morning.

-Got some money. Alfie's running a poker night tonight and we're going.

-Yeah, well, no thanks.

Got to go home, I've got things on my mind.

Want to put my feet up, have a think.

It's the weirdest thing. Thought I heard a woman's voice come out of your mouth.

-Less of the sexism.

-Sexism?

Just another word for do as you're told.

Oi. I said no, didn't I?

So, what d'you want, a little bra?

Get you a little bra, little dress. Suit you.

-I ain't a woman.

-So, prove it.

Yeah, I know. I can't believe how much he paid for it.

Thank you.

And where are you going?

Out. Out to show off my new bracelet.

-To who?

-What?

Well, it's not like you've got any friends.

Look who's pressed the reset button, eh?

What is the matter with it? I have to ring someone to fix it.

Hey, what's up with you?

You could turn a beer sour with a look like that. Ha-ha.

Thank you. So many charming men around these days, aren't there?

Oh, Rox, I'm only having a laugh. Just winding you up, come on.

Come on, gimme... Come on, let's turn that frown into a smile.

That's the one, you see.

Now, you could sell toothpaste to the toothless, you could.

Come on. This ain't like you.

-Alfie!

-What?

-That is not on!

What you...? Oh, Jean, don't be so stupid!

I'm just giving Peroxide a pep talk. As if I'd come on to one of my mates.

-What's the matter with you?

-Sorry, must've been the angles or the light.

Course it was, what's the matter with you? You should be so lucky, eh?

MUSIC: "Manic Monday" by The Bangles

-Oh, here we go.

-Come on, boys.

Oi, oi, lads!

Oi, oi, boys.

I want to know where she goes, what she does and who's she with.

Look, you know how I feel about this.

-Get someone else to do it.

-Well, I can't, can I?

Got to keep it in the family, people I trust.

Please, Ben.

All right.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Why don't you go bother someone else?

-You seeing Phil today?

You know I'm not.

Poor Shirley. Looks like you could do with some company then.

Ah. I'm good as I am, thanks.

-Some people might call that breaking and entering.

-Arrest me.

HEAVY BASS PLAYS

Oi! Get out the way!

Show some respect!

The date for the Plea and Directions hearing has been set.

We're expecting a big turnout.

A lot of people'll be looking forward to Phil being banged up.

-We should probably sell tickets.

-Why didn't you send a letter?

You know, just something I wanted to add. That little personal touch.

You're so thoughtful.

D'you know, you'll be sitting here for the next 20 or 30 years

with your cup of tea and your fag.

And one day, there'll be a call

and it'll be someone telling you

your old man's just died in his sleep.

Nice and peaceful, lying on his bunk,

little vessel burst in his heart.

He opened his eyes one last time,

looked around and thought, "This is no place for a man like me to die."

But he dies anyway.

You know, I always imagined him in one of those Essex mansions.

In-out driveway, heated pool.

When you think about it, he's just a little man in a little house.

So, you got in touch with yourself yet?

Don't get it, do you, Max?

A few days ago, I was a dad. Then I realised I didn't deserve to be one.

Bruv, there's two ways you can go on this.

One, you sink into a pit of blackness.

Or, two, you get a flaming grip.

And that's it, that's your options.

So, what's it to be? Pit of blackness, or fun with your brother?

I'll see you at the Vic, yeah?

Well, that wasn't so hard, was it? See, don't need Tanya's cooking.

Steak or burger, you're still looking.

So, you know what's in my head, do you?

It's not what's going on in your head that you listen to, is it?

All you did, Roxy, was give me a nice, little memory.

Nice, perky, well-formed, little memory.

-I've got plenty of those.

-Not with my name on it.

Why don't you face facts?

You took a shot at the title and you lost.

Hmm.

Yeah, count me in, count me in.

Yeah, because I've got...

Yeah, I'm telling you, I'm world class though, warning you.

You've seen my poker face, ain't you?

I've just cut my finger, I'm looking for a plaster.

Yeah. Where and when, then? What's the...?

What's the...the deal?

Tell you what, let's do, let's go for 50. 50, yeah, yeah.

Let's be men about it.

-Shirl!

-Not now, Hev.

-But it's...

-Marsden is bang out of order, I'll get her.

-Can't it wait?

-We've got that maid of honour talk.

-Well, walk and talk.

-Yeah, but...

-Hev, I'm walking but you're not talking.

I can't decide on the colour. What colour suits you best?

-Black.

-Oh.

-Ben.

-No, I'm Jay, remember.

-Where is he?

-I don't know.

-Then go and find him.

-I'm working at the moment.

-Now!

All right, all right.

You're going to wish you had talked some sense into Ben.

What's Ben done now? Shirl?

Shirl? Shirl!

Oi! What you doing? Don't you cheek me.

Go on, the lot of you!

HEAVY BASS PLAYS

You don't mind Amy being upstairs?

Course not. Shenice loves hanging out with her, anyway.

OK, fine. Look...

OK, can you...? Don't tell Jack that she's up there, OK?

It's a little bit sensitive at the moment.

All right. Lips are sealed, all right.

-Thank you. Appreciate it.

-No problem, darling. It's all right.

Oh, 50 quid, eh? Big boy.

Going to get rich, baby.

Nice dream but I can see you crying all the way home to Janine.

Doubt it.

You want to be careful, Michael. I've seen Alfie play.

-He's amazing.

-Like you'd know anything, though, Jean.

No, I have seen him playing.

And you've also seen little green men.

Ah, Michael.

Oh, come on, don't be that way. Jean.

How about this? Look, pick a queen.

Come on, pick a queen. We can be mates again.

Go on.

-And what if I don't pick a queen?

-Go on, indulge me.

Come on, Jean.

Bet you can't.

-Go on, Jean.

-There's a lot at stake.

Oh! What've you got?

-Queen!

-Woo!

-Yeah!

That's it, the luck is with us.

So, about this game. No Derek.

Cos I want to enjoy myself.

Sometimes I look at that bloke

and I think I'm staring into the abyss.

All right, chaps?

Heard there was a poker game.

That's Mandy going into the pawn shop.

With the bracelet.

And that's her coming out.

-No bracelet.

-She sold it?

Well, must have.

Ben, you're the business. Text me the photos, yeah?

I had a message for you. But Shirley can come tell you herself.

-Cos I've done my bit.

-What's the message?

You'll have to find out for yourself.

I wouldn't want to be in your shoes, though.

This is not on, Patrick, we're not having it.

Yeah, but look at the prices.

Yeah, yeah, it's outrageous, that's what it is.

You know anyone with a good camera?

Oh, c'mon, Luce, you got to cut loose. Get it? Loose Luce.

Passed Roxy on the way in.

Jean had to go and do something with her camera.

I just needed cover. She'll be back soon to sort out drinks up here.

-So does that mean Amy's here?

-No, no, she's with...

No offence, Michael, but tonight, I'm going to eviscerate you.

-Big talk.

-I'm going to gut you too.

-That's charming.

And you, well, you lost already.

Oi, it's supposed to be a laugh, this is.

-Not like a scene from Gladiator.

-Good, cos I'm about to unleash hell.

Oh, come on, your faces, eh? Your sad, frightened faces.

I'm here to have fun as well.

-Yeah, really cheery, Derek.

-Ladies, come on, please.

Come on, boys, you lot should be like me. A ray of sunshine.

No, no. For you, mate, darkness falls.

Tonight is the night that your lights go out.

-Leave it out, come on.

-Come on, it's banter. It's just a bit of banter.

Here we go, shuffle up and deal now, all right?

Come on, Jack, lighten up. You're with the boys now.

The outside world don't exist.

Well, how come I can hear In The Night Garden?

MUSIC: "In The Night Garden Theme"

-He's right, that is In The Night Garden.

-How do you know what it is?

-It's a parent's duty to watch.

-Igglepiggle.

-Upsy Daisy.

Yeah, it's Amy's favourite show. She loves watching it.

You sure she ain't here?

What? No. Jack, no. That's just Shenice.

Boys, boys, boys. Igglepiggle's dead.

-Let's play cards.

-Right.

I'll be there when I can, Lauren.

-Promise.

-Thank you.

-What?

-You're not wearing your bracelet.

-Don't you like it?

-I'll have it if you don't want it.

If you want to go get it.

MUSIC: "Louder" by DJ Fresh

-So, this is what you wanted then?

-Make it cheap and they will come.

-PHONE RINGS

-Sorry.

Hello? Yeah, speaking.

Lauren? How'd you get this number?

-Shirley.

-It's about time.

-Right, what've I done?

-Look, Ben, you've got to start coming good.

He's about to go down. You got to start remembering who he is

and what he's done for you.

He's your dad! You owe him.

I mean it. You got to tell the police you were lying.

I ain't doing it.

You what? You what?!

-You heard.

-How can you do this to him?

To us?

OK, Ben. It's plain and simple.

You do as I say or I'll slice your guts seven times till Sunday.

-Here we go again.

-Are you hearing me? I won't be looking after you!

You'll be on your own!

Ben? You all right?

-What's she doing here?

-I thought Jean was going to be here.

-She's not.

No offence, I'm out of here.

-Fellas, it's just drinks. That's all.

-Don't go just cos of her.

I'd rather not be doing this, but there you go.

Yours is a steak, Max, isn't it?

-What's she going on about?

-Dozy blonde.

You reckon, Derek, yeah?

-All the evidence points that way.

-Don't start, Derek.

-You heard her, Del.

-What's it to you?

-We don't need this, do we?

-Since when are you calling the shots?

-Can we just play cards?

Woah, ladies, please.

Look at that. My luck's just changed.

All in.

Aye, aye, here we go.

-So, what's brought this on?

-Just fancy getting away for a bit.

You know, be nice to see Jane.

-Now?

-Yeah, what about school?

-Yeah, she's got a point.

Look, I just need to get away for a bit, all right.

There's too much going on here and I can't concentrate.

OK, I'll give you a lift. And when I get back,

we'll have a think about where you lost that bracelet.

Yeah, I don't know, you know. I think it might've been nicked.

All right, see you in a bit.

Thieves. I hate 'em. I hate 'em more than anything.

PHONE BEEPS

Gotcha.

Read 'em and weep.

Oh, come to poppa.

DEREK CHUCKLES

Here lies Michael Moon, born to lose.

Janine'll just have to reimburse you, mate, eh? She's got plenty.

Course she has. That's the only reason he's with her, innit?

This boy don't do love, do you, Michael?

Whatever.

Come on, Jack, you're throwing your money away.

-Don't even want to be here, do I?

-Jack.

-I knew she was here. I knew it.

-Roxy didn't want to upset you.

No, this out of order!

Calm down. You don't want to upset her, do you?

-Come on, where's Shenice?

-That's your little girl?

Look, why don't we just call it quits, yeah?

-Let's do this another night.

-No, I tell you what,

how about we up the stakes, eh?

-Not for me. I'm done.

-Hang on, who's the woman now, Max, eh?

Who's wearing the bra?

That's very amusing. I like that.

Well, then, 500 to you, Mr Sunshine.

I want photos of everything.

Yeah, exhibit A to V.

Lauren, shut the door.

Cannot believe the oldies were so blind.

Are you blind? This ain't the R & R.

-Yeah. But there's a way in through here.

-What was all that about?

Don't know, don't really care.

That's a fire exit.

Is it?

-Hang on girls, that's a fiver each. Come on.

-I don't think so.

Oi!

MUSIC: "Mama Do The Hump" by Rizzle Kicks

Almost had you.

Did you like my little set-up?

Knew you'd take the bait and go after Ben.

-I've got no idea what you're talking about.

-Hmm.

Anyway, Ben's off on a little break now.

I asked him why he wouldn't shop you.

Shame.

I mean, come on, intimidating a witness, Shirley.

-Are we getting desperate?

-I ain't done nothing.

You try anything like that again and you'll be tossed in a cell.

Just like your old man.

So much for my money-making scheme, eh?

-Yeah, well, it's a bit difficult for me to concentrate.

-Yeah, I know. Yeah, I'm sorry.

Listen, while you're here, mate, why don't...?

She ain't my daughter, Alfie. Is she?

Oi. Course she is.

Now, you go in and see her.

-I ain't going to do it.

-Go on.

MUSIC: "In The Night Garden Theme"

We're going to be all right, sweetheart.

Give me a kiss.

Why don't you go home to your steak, Max?

I would do but it ain't been on the menu for a while.

I know what you are, Roxy.

A little game player.

Look at you. Little tease.

What I am is something you shouldn't be getting any nearer to.

It's funny, cos you're the one that dropped the towel.

Well, accidents happen.

-That's always my excuse.

-Yeah?

ALFIE: Roxy! You out here, darling? Come on, I need you!

Absolutely not.

Look, that is my final offer.

Sorry, I've got to go.

Here she comes. Woman of the year(!)

-Ugh! What do you want?

-Have you seen this road?

-Not that again!

Listen, darling, we all like a good time. Me more than most.

This road is a warzone and it's down to you and your Manic Mondays.

-Can't you just give it a rest?

-Your name above the door,

your responsibility for any public nuisance.

Billy!

-Yeah, what?

-Tidy the road.

-You what?!

-Clear it up.

-What, the road?

-The road, the pavement. Just clear the mess.

Are you happy now?

I'll be happy when you show some consideration

for those of us who live and work round here.

I think you'll find that I do,

bearing in mind that I employ and house most people around here.

Babe, you always ask me what I want for dinner when I'm having my breakfast.

-When else do I get a chance?

-I don't mind, all right? You choose.

Your dad's not said anything about that bracelet

so I'm assuming you've not showed him the pictures of me pawning it.

Why?

Yeah, well, he'll see them when I want him to see them.

Suit yourself. You're just giving me more time to come up with a reasonable excuse.

You know what, it would take you 50 years for your brain

to come up with something even half reasonable.

So I'd pack your bags if I were you.

-What's that lot?

-It's the ironing. You don't mind, do you?

-I'm just going to do the bathroom.

-I do mind, actually.

It's my day off and I'd like a bit of time to relax.

-A little relax?! When was the last time

-I

-got to relax?

Probably when you was locked in your cell

for 23 hours a day and I was looking after your kids.

I didn't mean for it to come out like that.

How DID you mean it? I've been out for ages, you're still bringing it up!

Look, I just want some time for myself.

Why didn't you say that? I'm not a mind-reader!

What is this? Gas bill, final demand?

No, that is a FINAL final demand.

-Don't know why they write it in red ink.

-How much? I suppose we used that over Christmas.

If we ain't got it they can't have it.

-That's a great attitude(!)

-What attitude am I meant to have?

Ricky's money ain't even touching the sides.

I've asked Shirley for some extra shifts and she said she's doing me a favour as it is.

-I don't like this any more than you do, Mum.

-We're out of milk. Here you go.

-Oh, so I've to go and get that, on top of everything else?

-Well, I'll do the ironing!

And while you're at it, here's an extra quid.

Treat yourself to a scratchcard.

Might be your lucky day.

I still don't like the way she bosses you around. It ain't right.

She's the boss. That's what bosses do.

She thinks she's better than you and everyone else round here.

She's got money. That makes her better.

I'd rather have my looks than her money. Anyway, my looks are going to GET me money.

-How do you mean?

-Chill out!

I mean, looking as fit as this, I'm going to have no trouble pulling a bloke with money.

And no, I don't mean a dealer or anyone dodgy.

Yeah, I reckon I could pull myself a nice bloke.

Someone that works at a building society or a plumber.

We can get a place together and I can train to become a hairdresser.

You can come round on Sundays for lunch.

-He'd better be a good cook.

-He'd better be good at looking after kids!

What you looking at?!

-I wanted to pull her gross hair out by its roots.

-But you didn't, did you? So...

Yeah, well, I should've done.

Lucy, you don't like the woman that your dad's marrying. So what?

You're not supposed to.

-They're called wicked stepmothers for a reason.

-I liked Jane! It's just this one.

She's taking him for a ride. And she's got someone else.

-Why do you think she pawned the bracelet?

-I don't know. Why?

Cos the other guy wants money!

Oh, right... Of course, yes.

Mandy - the woman that you said is with your dad for his money -

is now having an affair with someone that ain't got a penny to his name.

Why don't you just show your dad

the pictures of her pawning the bracelet?

Cos the photos aren't proof that she's having an affair, are they?

-OK.

-I need to find proper proof...

And you're going to help me!

Can you believe it - it's, like, nearly been two weeks?

I know. Feels like two months.

I mean, in a good way. Just because we're spending so much time together.

I love being with you.

Yeah, well, make the most of it cos I'm meant to be at the Emporium.

Don't mind me. You not at college today, Whit?

-Later.

-Right, if you're not doing anything you can help out with the ironing.

-You can't get one minute's peace round here!

-Come here.

-Let me tell you why you love being with me.

-Oh, yeah? Go on, then.

-Well, it's cos I'm the perfect boyfriend!

-Yeah?

I've got the looks, I've got the body...

I'm generous, I'm charming.

And I won over Bianca.

No, you haven't. She's not THAT keen on you yet.

-She will be, just like you are.

-Oh, yeah?

Come here.

If you two wanted to be alone, I could go out for a bit.

-Yeah?

-Mind you, I'd expect the ironing done when I get back.

I had Cora on at me about the litter in front of the club.

There was a whole heap of rubbish on the road,

and not just from the club.

There's this chicken shop...?

-McKlunky's.

-They're pushing a heap of rubbish too.

That's Janine for you. Don't care about anyone apart from profit.

Does anyone ever win on these things?

Yeah, sometimes. Oh! Jean - she won, didn't she?

Yeah, she won about, what, 8K?

-It's a mug's game.

-Well, I've always been a mug.

Here you are, give us another one. Me luck's got to change sometime.

That is the winning ticket, I can feel it in my bones.

This is the one! This is it. Go on, girl!

Go on, you've got two... Oh.

Oh...two stars. There you go. Not to worry.

I'll see you all later.

-See you, darling.

-See you.

-That's for the paper

and I'll take one of those scratchy cards if that's all right.

-Well, you never know.

-You know what, I hate looking at it like that - all burnt out.

It's soulless.

It's a shame, innit? Not to worry, though.

Oh, hold on. One...two...

three! Can you believe it?! I've got the big three!

Alfie's a millionaire! I've won a tenner!

THEY LAUGH

If you're looking for something special,

there's a nice two-piece over there. Suit you.

Just having a browse, actually.

What you doing?

Counting.

I'm not allowed to sell jigsaw puzzles

if there's more than three pieces missing.

Why would anybody want to buy a jigsaw with a piece missing?

Come to think of it, why would anybody want to buy a jigsaw at all?

I like jigsaw puzzles.

So long as they ain't got a lot of sky. Life's too short.

-Oh!

-Afternoon.

If you're looking for a new girlfriend, I'm right out.

And if you want to offload your current one, try the RSPCA

cos I wouldn't give her shelf room.

-I hear you've been giving Janine aggro.

-What of it?

We don't want unpleasantries, Cora.

I don't mind an unpleasantry, myself.

We're just trying to make a living, like everybody else.

By selling booze to underage kids?

Is that right? You're getting kids drunk?

-Not that it's got anything to do with you.

-You're wrong.

It's got everything to do with me.

-And every parent round here.

-They're not underage.

It's a club, all right? There's bound to be noise and there's bound to be litter.

We don't complain when, every night,

there's bags of tat lined up on your doorstep, do we?

If you have any grumblings, come and see ME, please. Janine's pregnant.

Therefore she's delicate.

Janine - delicate?! Someone wants to do something about him.

Don't worry, darling, I already have.

-Thank God I saw them before I actually started cutting it.

-PHONE BEEPS

Hmm?

My 10:30. Head full of nits.

You should have just chucked her out.

You know what I love about our relationship?

The way you hang off my every word. I DID chuck her out.

That's what I've been talking about for the last half-hour. I've got to get back.

Who was that?

Er, it was just a customer asking me to drop a price.

-And will you?

-Nah.

Won't do her any harm to keep her waiting, will it?

It's always games with you, innit?

Look, I know I said things were better between me and Lucy, but...

What now?

She's been following me around, taking photos.

What sort of photos?

Well...I've got a bit of a confession to make.

The thing is...

..after my bracelet was stolen, I felt really bad,

cos I know how much it cost you.

So I went to this little pawn shop.

I've got this old ring, and I thought I could get money for it

so I could at least give you some back.

Anyway, unbeknown to me, whoever had stolen my bracelet

had only gone to the same pawn shop!

Anyway, the ring wasn't worth anything, and I didn't get any money,

but that's not the point.

The point is Lucy has taken photos of me going in and out of the pawn shop,

and she's done something -

some sort of computer thing. You know I don't get all that stuff.

But she's made it looks like I'm wearing the bracelet when I go in.

-Like Photoshop?

-No, you're not listening to me. It was a PAWN shop.

-No, Photoshop's when you alter photos.

-Oh, right, yeah, silly me!

Well, anyway, she's tried to make it look like I have sold the bracelet

which is not true, the bracelet was stolen.

-Probably just messing around on the computer, that's all.

-Really?

-Yeah.

I was just worried. She's not going to be happy till she's torn us apart.

As if that's going to happen.

I don't even know what I'm meant to be looking for.

Anything to back up what I already know.

-Yeah? Like what?

-Just keep looking!

-Grrr!

-Yes, what can I do for you?

-You wouldn't happen to have any jobs behind the bar?

Sorry, I'm all staffed up what with taking Roxy on.

-I could collect glasses.

-I'm sure you could, but Paddy's got that one sewn up.

-Cleaning?

Jean's doing that, darling.

Tell you what, next time I have a special event in the pub I'll give you a shout.

With Mo and Kat being away I'll probably need extra hands. I'll call you.

-Thanks.

-What's this?

-None of your business.

You're sounding pretty desperate.

-What's wrong?

-You've made it quite clear YOU don't want to help me financially.

-Hey, hold on!

-I'm happy to give you money for Morgan.

-It's the rest of us you don't care about.

-Everything all right, Bianca?

-What you doing here?

I just fancied a drink.

-You're happy to throw money at this lot. That's new, innit?

-No, it's not.

I know everything in your wardrobe. I've never seen this before.

I got it from the charity shop, all right?

I knew I recognised that.

Ignore the label - it says wash on 30 but the bias binding might buckle

-so you might want to give it a lukewarm hand-wash.

-It's yours?

-Mmm.

I gave them nice slacks that go with that as well. You want to look out for them.

Sorry, hang on a second. You didn't drop this by any chance, did you?

-Yeah, I think I did, cheers.

-You did? Take care.

-What?

-I saw you drop that tenner next to her.

So what? She's had it rough lately.

-There has got to be somewhere we've not looked.

-Lucy, do you not think

-you're getting a little bit obsessed with this?

-What, and you don't care about your parents?

The girl who nearly killed her dad for cheating on her mum.

Hello, girls. I thought you'd be at school.

Nice to see you, too.

Right, well, this was fun while it lasted, weren't it, eh?

Yeah, we're not finished yet.

Lucy!

Oh, you stupid...!

-Lucy...?

-Can't stop!

They're practising for the Olympics!

-Lucy, you are crazy!

-No, just determined.

-She's going to go mental!

-No change there, then.

She made me do the ironing.

Well, it's the food chain, innit? I give it to her, she gives it to you,

-and in a couple of years you'll be able to give it to Tiff.

-Cake mix?

Yeah, you know how much they love cake.

Thought I'd do loads of chocolate icing. If you're lucky you can lick the bowl.

-Oh, I love hundreds and thousands!

-How did I know that? You going out later?

Yeah, it's me and Tyler's nearly-two-week anniversary so...

I'm glad you like him.

I didn't say I liked him. I said he's better than I thought he was going to be. But if he hurts you,

-he won't look so pretty.

-You've said that before.

It's the pretty ones you've got to watch.

-You think he's pretty?

-I think he's pretty!

You're never chucking that away!

It's bad enough that the only thing I've bought myself in a while

is from a charity shop without finding out that it was Jean Slater's!

It looks all right on you.

It probably looked good on Jean when it was new.

-I don't think anything looked good on Jean!

-Laugh all you want, but I still don't want it.

-Where did you get the money to get that?

-I found a tenner.

-Oh, great priorities, Bianca.

You was going to buy yourself a G&T earlier!

-What are you accusing me of?

-Nothing.

No, come on, let's have it. I work really hard.

I give up most of what I earn. And with the rest of it I budget for seven drinks a week.

That's one a day. One pathetic little drink to make me feel a bit better about my life.

-What, you'd deny me that?

-Of course not.

Look at all this stuff. My mum's bag is exactly the same.

Nice lipstick, though.

Yeah, nice if you're standing on a street corner.

-What's this perfume, then?

-Eau de Grot.

Look, this don't feel right. Feels like we've mugged her.

There's nothing here anyway - look.

Oh, isn't there?

KNOCK AT DOOR

What do you want?

I'm pretending to buy a car, ain't I?

I can see that you are just rushed off your feet.

Too busy to respond to my text?

I'm getting round to it.

You know what? I have got a little bit of dignity left.

I'm getting sick of waiting for my phone to ring.

That's all it's going to take, is it? One phone call?

It's a good place to start, innit?

See ya.

-Lucy, you have gone too far this time!

-Well, I had to, to prove she's cheating on you!

And, look, I've even got photos!

Mandy's told me all about the photos.

-What did she say?

-That you altered them

-to make it look like she was wearing the bracelet when she wasn't.

-Why would I do that?!

-Because you're out to cause trouble!

-No! I'm out to show him exactly what you are!

Dad, I didn't even take the pictures.

Ben did, so why don't you ask him?

-Oh, that's convenient considering he's gone away.

-You don't need to cos I found this in her bag.

-What's this?

-A money transfer. You sent money to someone yesterday.

So don't try and deny it cos it's there in black and white!

All right...

I pawned the bracelet. I needed the money, sorry. I can't tell you why.

-See? She admitted it!

-You're loving this, ain't you!

I'm so sorry, I wish I could tell you why but I can't.

I just can't! But it isn't what it looks like, I promise.

Ian, I've never asked you for anything.

But I'm asking you this now. Just please...

you've just got to believe me. I'm not having an affair.

And there's no-one else... Just believe me, OK?

-How do you know it's Georgian?

-I looked it up.

-It's not got a date on it.

-Yeah, but it looks right.

-You call something Georgian, you can double the price.

-What is it?

-It's a pot!

-What kind of pot?

-A Georgian pot!

-Can I help you, mate? All right?

-Not unless you're Janine Butcher.

No, no, I'm Michael Moon.

-How's it going, all right? And you are?

-Licensing officer.

You won't find Janine here at this time. She's probably at home.

Just come from there. No-one in.

Really? Oh, yeah, that's cos she's moved, of course, yeah.

She's gone to Dalston, I think? Somewhere in Dalston.

Sorry, I can't be more specific than that.

Janine?

Rose has managed to lose another mop.

And you are bothering me with this why?

All right? I've just fobbed some geezer off looking for you.

-Why did you fob him off?

-Some licensing bloke. It's that dodgy booze.

-Someone's shopped you.

-I know exactly who that is.

-Billy?

-Yeah?

-Please can you come in here and finish this up for me?

And please, all right, be careful.

This is very expensive stuff that I'm ordering.

I sent him to Dalston.

Are you expecting me to thank you?

"Moses basket."

All right for some, innit!

-What you doing?

-What? Nothing! Nothing.

Just Janine, she wanted me to order some baby stuff for her.

And she wants two of everything?

Solid silver. That won't turn your wrist green.

-It's a bit pricey, though.

-What price glamour, eh?

-Yeah, but £15?

-How much? Who priced that up?

Honestly, some of them that work here, they've got no idea. Give us a tenner.

-Five.

-It's a charity, darling. Eight.

-Six.

-Seven, and you've got a deal.

Come on, I want to close the shop up and put my feet up.

-Who do you think you are, reporting me?!

-Oh, they've come already?

-So, what, you're not even denying it?

-Yeah, I called 'em.

And if they don't close you down, I'll call 'em again.

You're using that club of yours for underaged drinking.

You think you can get away with anything, don't you?

Well, not this time, darling.

Don't you threaten me, because I am warning you...

Oh! Are you hearing this?!

Issuing threats to a pensioner!

A volunteer in a charity shop!

You know what she's doing, don't you?

She's flogging cheap booze all day, all night to kids.

Were you always this righteous when your daughter was bedding Max

behind Vanessa's back? Or when the other daughter was jacking up in a crack den?

Ladies, maybe this is a good time to intervene.

What if we reached a compromise?

How would you feel about that, if we crack down on the fake IDs,

if we opened later in the afternoon

and I personally gave you my own pledge to clean up every scrap of litter?

-Every scrap.

-Every pool of vomit?

Yeah, all right, every...every pool of vomit as well.

And a monetary contribution to this fine establishment.

-Stop! I am not going to give her money.

-Tax deductible, of course.

-Deal?

-Well...

I'm not against a good time... Deal.

Fantastic. Ladies...

Remind me never to get on the wrong side of you.

I'm just a harmless old lady, darling.

You know Megan Rogers? She's having a birthday party but I ain't invited

cos her boyfriend Jake fancies me.

What?

Whitney's had the sewing machine out all afternoon. What do you think?

We've lost all them flowers and the Jean Slater froufrou.

-Do you like it?

-You did this after I chucked it out?

Yeah.

I don't know what to say. It's really nice!

-Stick it on!

-All right, I will!

-DOORBELL

-That'll be Liam, probably forgot his key.

-Thought he had a shift at McKlunky's. Thanks, Whitney.

It's all right.

Oh...

Take this.

What is it?

You've brought my kid up for the last six years.

You've done a brilliant job. What's in there don't come close to child maintenance,

but Alfie just paid me, and this is all I've got at the moment.

Just under three hundred.

-What? I don't...

-Just take it, B.

Morgan, your dad's here.

-Fancy some cake?

-I'd love to.

-Tell me!

-It's a surprise!

But I hate surprises!

-You'll like this one.

-Will I?

-Oh, yeah.

No offence, but your idea of what's a good surprise will probably be pretty lame.

You're not going to tell me, are you?

Well, that depends.

On what?

OK... They're starting these classes at the community centre.

-First-time-mum sort of thing. You agree to go, and I'll tell you what the surprise is.

-No way.

-OK, I won't tell you what the surprise is, then.

-Fine!

-Where you going?!

-Out.

Surprise? You went and did it, didn't you?

-You've got to take your chances, Hev, you know that.

-It's stealing.

I've never stolen anything in my life - not on purpose, anyway.

It's not PROPER stealing!

You'd better cancel that order, or you're no better than a thief.

It's not for me, all right?!

So why don't you just mind your own, eh?

Why don't you go and make yourself busy somewhere else?

And I tell you, if you say anything to anyone about what I did, right,

I won't be held responsible - do you understand?

Do you?!

Good. Now, go on, do one.

MUSIC: "Dance With Me Tonight" by Olly Murs

LAUGHING AND SQUEALING

Who wants cake? THEY CHEER

Oh, that flamin' meter!

-You know me. I love a happy hour.

-This is true.

But there's a difference between half-price drinks

and flogging quick shots to kids who can't afford it

so then they get drunk and trash the neighbourhood.

-Michaela, if it's a girl.

-Never!

Anyway, I've already decided on a girl's name.

Come on then.

No, you'll just have to wait and see.

Oh, can we sit over here because Cora's there and I've had quite enough of her today.

So I don't get a say in naming my own child?

You can make some suggestions and I might like one.

What about Matthew Moon? Matthew Moon if it's a boy.

Look, let's just make one thing clear, shall we?

Whatever it is and whatever we decide to call it,

its surname is going to be Butcher.

You having a laugh?

Not open for debate. Orange juice, please. And I imagine he's going to have a whisky.

PHONE BEEPS

See her face? Clearly she hates to be in the wrong.

I wouldn't start celebrating, Cora.

Janine fights dirty.

Good! Who wants a clean fight?

I could get you a top-up.

Oh, it's too late now, Ray. Anyway, I like it like this.

-I don't.

-Right. There should be enough battery to play the film.

Yay!

-He's great, ain't he?

-Thanks, Tyler.

-No worries. Good job we had them candles at the Emporium.

-Yeah, it's romantic, ain't it?

Oh, don't go getting any ideas, you two!

Tiff, pass Tyler the cake.

There's only one left!

Yeah, and it's for Tyler!

Thank you.

Happy nearly-two-week anniversary.

Ugh, they're kissing!

Shut up! Come on, press play, Tyler!

MUSIC: Theme from "Indiana Jones"

If he wants to believe her, he's more stupid than I thought he was.

I seriously think you should just forget about it.

Let her take him for a ride. It's his own fault.

No way! This "L Stevens" on the money transfer is obviously the same "L" on her phone.

So what, Lucy?

-I've got L's number.

-Right. And are you going to ring it?

No. I've texted him. Told him to come and visit Walford.

We're going to find out exactly what Mandy's hiding.

SHE WHOOPS

HE LAUGHS

SHE MAKES HELICOPTER NOISES

Tiffany!

Feral.

Oh, come on, she's just letting off some steam.

Give it five years, she'll be on Crimewatch.

Give her a break. She's a kid. It's her job to make noise.

Come here, Tiff! You're going to be late for school!

Hark, the dulcet tones of the parent. Bobby went off ages ago.

-Patrick, you haven't seen Masood with the post, have you?

-Uh-uh.

No pink things in the morning.

There weren't no cereal.

Well, have some toast.

There weren't no toast.

Come on, get in.

What are you doing?

Well, you're the one who wanted me to come to these classes.

So, here I am. I believe the children are our future.

I said, "We", together, plural.

SHE SIGHS

HE LAUGHS TO HIMSELF

Hey, Janine. Look!

I knew we should have gone private.

Morgan! Come on, I'm late for the caff now. Is everything ruined?

There wasn't much to ruin in the first place.

But look, the gas is back on, it's been paid

and the electric's back on.

Yeah, for now. I get paid today. I'll replace the food.

Janine will have to wait for the rent.

Can I have money for sweets?

No, you can't. You've had enough for today.

Don't look like that, Tiff.

-You should give up sweets and treats for Lent.

-What's Lent?

It's a religious thing. You give things up to be religious.

-Why?

-Because Jesus says so.

Jesus says I can't have pink pigs?

BIANCA SIGHS

Morning. So, good day planned?

Yeah, I think it's going to be a fantastic day.

Anything I should know about?

So, are me and you OK?

Yeah. Yeah, we're fine.

What about Lucy?

She's fine. Everything's fine. Mandy Salter, I love you.

Today is going to be a good day.

THEY LAUGH

Why don't I cook today? For all of us?

-My treat.

-That would be great, Lucy. Wouldn't it?

Yeah. Great.

-So, lunch? One o'clock?

-Perfect.

-Lovely.

Will you please tell me why I'm here with a load of knocked up teenagers?

What happened to the beatific mother-to-be?

Why am I here with a load of knocked up pensioners?

Oi. Be nice. She's given you a job, remember?

Don't tell me that's my surprise.

No, no, no. Be nice for you to work together, won't it?

-I mean, your kids could end up playing together, couldn't they?

-Oh(!)

Me and Honey went to this antenatal thing once.

It was mental, it was.

It was all that sort of role playing thing.

All the daddy wolves had to circle round all the mummy wolves,

and then you had to start howling, right? I was like this...

-HE HOWLS AND LAUGHS

-Congratulations, mums!

Is this going to be all happy clappy?

Feel free to ask any questions as we go along.

Every pregnancy's different.

Too right. My Honey was size the of a house for our second.

Not a first time dad, then?

Oh, no, no. I'm this baby's great grandad. Her grandad.

I'm not the dad. Obviously.

I don't know who the dad is. Does that matter?

Well, have you got a shortlist?

Be nice.

It can be very challenging if you're facing parenthood on your own.

But we're all here to support you.

I've got a question. Is this class going to cover elective C-sections

and private hospitals?

Or should I just leave now?

HE SIGHS

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

# Let's deck the Vic in daffodillies! #

-It's St David's Day!

-Yeah. Jean, that's lovely, darling,

but how many of our punters are Welsh?

It's not Welsh. It's Greek.

Greek? OK, it's Greek.

Narcissus died looking at his own reflection in the pool.

-Lovely. OK.

-And the flowers grew where he fell.

-Course they did.

-That's why they're called Narcissus.

-Lovely.

We have to have them. It's traditional.

OK, let's do it, then.

-Ha-ha! And leeks!

-Oh, lots of leeks.

-Yes!

-Let's have millions of leeks.

You two all right?

Yeah. We will be. Thanks for the other night.

That's what family are for, eh? What you doing for lunch?

Want to come to ours?

Thanks. Max, not a word to Dot, eh? She thinks I've given it up for Lent.

It's a man's basic right to have a drink. Pack of the usual.

Smoking kills.

Come on, you should know Dot. She don't listen to basic rights,

not when she's on the religious warpath.

-Sounds like Dot.

-She says we should be filled with the spirits, not debauchery.

You been sneaking debauchery into your room again?

Come on, I've learned from Jim. Say, "Yes, Dorothy", to everything.

And then go hide in the allotment. See you.

Think we can guess what this is all about.

Tuck your pelvis under.

Perfect. That'll help stop lower back pain as baby grows.

See? You're going to be good at this, girl. I can tell.

-PHONE VIBRATES

-Leave it, leave it.

Janine Butcher.

-Oi!

-No. no. She's not available, mate, all right?

-Excuse me!

-You're not available.

-That was important.

-This is important.

Billions of women every year have babies without knowing how to

sit on a yoga ball.

Just look around you.

Look, everyone's got someone by their side.

-So?

-So, I'm the father, Janine, OK?

I'm the only one volunteering to be by your side.

You need me.

MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

So he's left me something in his will? And this is what?

An order? I just have to drop everything and turn up tomorrow?

Well, it's just an informal meeting with Yusef's solicitor.

Where I'll be given a cheque for a few pounds?

And that's meant to make everything all right again, is it?

You know I want nothing to do with that man.

Afia will inherit most of it, I'm sure, but we should go.

If only to say it's over.

So what's this, then? You due some sort of a payout?

Must you? Pry in other people's private affairs?

-Hey. You all right?

-Yeah.

That's a lot of effort. I thought we were only having a quick lunch.

Yeah, I invited Jack over, too. You don't mind, do you?

No, no. That's fine.

-What are you doing now?

-Tidying up. This place is a mess.

So..

every time you're in a foul mood, we've got to have a makeover, have we?

Do you know, I've got to say, I am surprised you're staying as Mrs Khan.

I thought you'd be back to Masood, like I was to Fox.

Well, you've had that many surnames, it must be difficult to keep tabs, no?

Don't presume to know anything about my religion,

all right, Denise?

Your religion sounds pretty loose. You've had three husbands in a year.

I have not.

Um, Masood, Yusef...

then back to Masood.

That's three. You man-eater.

-Masood is not my husband.

-He's as good as, ain't he?

I'm still in mourning. We all are. The whole house is.

Do me a favour! What, seriously? So what is this, then?

Is it some sort of religious thing?

How long you got to do this mourning for?

Four months and ten days.

What? Even if he was a psycho?

You're not going to give me one of those, "It will bring me shame", speeches, are you?

I really don't think it counts if he tried to kill everyone.

No religion is that strict.

I'm not justifying my religion or my personal affairs to you.

Well, pardon me.

Well, I just, you know, I do feel kind of involved.

Given how I was made homeless, I'm skint and mine and Kim's business went down because of it.

But do you know...?

No, I'm happy that you got a cheque out of it.

Mrs...um...Whatever.

Hello, darling!

-You all right?

-Yeah.

-You look nice.

Really?

Course you do. Don't she, Max?

Cheers. Don't really need wine, do we, Tan?

Got to get back to work and all that. Go on.

Peter! Yeah, it's Dad.

I was...ringing up for a quick chat.

So, how's the new car?

Oh, right, it was nothing important. I was just ringing up for a chat.

I'll talk to you another day, yeah? Bye.

That looks nice, Luce.

My pleasure.

Oh! Well done. That's interesting presentation.

Everything all right between you two, then?

-We're fine.

-Yeah, we are. Just fine.

Thank you.

Shall I...um...propose a toast?

To family!

Family.

Cheers.

Nine hairs and a nit. That's what Dad used to call him.

Yeah, well, Dad used to call me a lot of things, didn't he?

Not a lot of it was nice. Or fair.

Do you want one of these?

Don't, don't. Got to get back to the salon, ain't you?

-It's just one glass, Max.

-Only one glass, innit?

-All right, Lauren?

-Hello, darling.

-All right, Lauren?

-All right?

You're the only one here who can turn down a drink.

-Give it a rest, will you?

-Proud of you, you know that?

You're 18 soon, ain't you, Lauren?

-When can your uncle legally take his niece out for a drink?

-End of the month.

Listen, you stay dry till then

and I'll throw you a party at the Vic.

Oh, yeah, that'd be nice!

If anyone's going to throw a party for my daughter's 18th, it's me, right?

All right, sorry.

Another drink, anyone?

Yeah, why not? I've got to say, Lucy,

I think it's really nice having salad for a change.

Especially seeing as it's March the first.

Oh!

-Sorry, darling, I need a cloth.

-Yeah.

Oi! I clocked them looks you've been giving me.

Listen, your dad believes me.

So you better stop acting weird, all right?

I ain't the one acting round here.

Yeah, and I ain't the one going through people's handbags.

Ceasefire didn't last, did it? Do you know what?

I thought you two were teasing me.

But you've both forgotten, haven't you?

Forgotten what?

What's today? It's March the first.

It's my birthday.

So Roxy's fobbing Amy off already.

I mean, why bother going to court?

Well, I offered. It's more cash, innit?

I pay the bills. Not you.

Oh, Janine, you can't just come in here like that.

This is our house.

Actually, I think you'll find I can. It's my house.

I'm the landlord.

And I charge you a miniscule rent, which you keep failing to pay. Remember?

I'll pay.

Good. I take cash, cheques, American Express...

I'll take anything right now.

Look, Bianca, I'm not the enemy.

You can have a job cleaning for me if you haven't got any cash.

-No, I'm not that desperate.

-All right, good. Good for you.

I was actually coming with a job offer for Whitney.

When little one here comes along, I'm going to need a nanny.

Oh, well, anything I can do to help.

It'll be live-in, of course.

Live-in?

Well, she's not going to hear the baby cry from here, is she?

-I'll think about it.

-I'm just saying, a well-paid nanny position

from a respectable employer, luxurious accommodation...

Don't think too long, yeah?

Poor kid, she ain't even had it yet and she's palming it off already.

I think I should do it.

What, and give up college? For her?

You ain't done all that training to be her skivvy.

Listen, I'll sort the bills. Don't worry.

I'll go and see Ian, get a shift at the chippy.

I'll do it now. Look,

does this face look like I like him?

THEY LAUGH

I'm just no good at the fluffy things in life. I'm so sorry, Ian.

No, it's fine. It's not a big deal.

KNOCK AT THE DOOR

-Are you sure?

-Yes!

-All right, Luce? All right, Ian, mate.

-All right?

Listen, mind if I pick up them leeks that you promised me?

-You sure you need that many?

-It's just Jean, getting excitable -

talking about dragons and stuff, are you going to pop over or what?

Yeah, we should go for your birthday.

You kept that one quiet, didn't you, birthday boy? Happy birthday.

-Thank you.

-First one's one the house. Give me the leeks for nothing,

I'll give you a second one.

-Come on, let's go.

-Yeah, come on.

-Yeah, go on, then.

-No, stay. We've got champagne!

-Oh, come on, Lucy, that'll keep. Come on, let's go over there, it will be fun.

-It will.

-Don't look so worried.

-I'll come in a bit. Happy birthday, Dad.

Ahh. See ya.

Right, are you going to tell me what's got into you? Jack needs our support right now over Amy.

-You know this.

-So you've fallen for his Peter Andre Dad of the Year bit?

-Come on!

He's got kids that he don't give a stuff about and he's sorting out my daughter's 18th(!)

-He offered her a party. That's all.

-It's all right, I'm the bad guy.

-He's your brother. Try and be nice.

-Nice?

-What, like you're being nice?

-What?!

-Low cut, hanging out...

-Low cut?!

-This isn't...

-..getting drunk.

-No.

I saw you giving him a hug in the Square.

-What?

-Through there, you're all over him.

-What is going on in your head?

Fancy a bit of the other brother?

Oh, shall I start dragging up every affair you've ever had?

Would you blame me? You won't let me near you!

It's not... It's not that I won't let you, I...

-Do you think I want to feel like this? Not normal?

-Yeah, well, I'm sorry.

All right? I'm sorry, Tan, I shouldn't have said that.

You don't want me any more, do you?

-You said it wouldn't happen but it has.

-Please don't say that.

I love you. Come here.

Come here.

HE SIGHS

I get scared...

..that you're going to find someone else.

Listen to me, all right? I'd never, never do that to you.

Not now.

-All right, darling?

-I'm not sure about this hat, Alfie.

I can't see what's coming at me from the sides.

I feel like a horse with blinkers on,

-not knowing if someone's going to throw a firework at me.

-Here, Alfie...

-See!

-Ian!

-Look, is anyone here even Welsh?

You've got birthday boy here to thank for all these.

We should have a sign, shouldn't we? "Ian Beale leeks".

THEY LAUGH

-So, it's your birthday?

-But you don't pay them much attention any more, do you?

-That makes you a Pisces - which figures. Sensitive. Romantic.

-Smells of fish.

Jean, have you got any cake? You know, like something a bit birthday-ish?

If you'd given me enough notice, I could have done you a fresh, mixed berry gateaux.

Oh, the best I can do is jazz up a Victoria sponge.

-That's fine.

-How many candles?

-43.

-Right.

-Don't look it, does he?

-No.

-Urgh.

-Oh, did you hear that then?

You know, it's scientifically proven, right, that blokes

over the age of 40 cannot sit down without going, "Urgh".

-I didn't not go, "Urgh".

-Yes, you did.

-And watch the old balcony over the toy shop!

-No.

-Yes.

-I don't have a paunch. Anyway, you're older than me.

-Shut up, I'm 37.

-Yeah, plus VAT.

-Just ignore him, babe. You're well the fittest one here.

I'm wounded! Anyway, enjoy your free drink.

-What, just the one?!

-Yeah. I'm not sure your prostate can handle it, Bealey.

-Oh, it's you.

-Who was you expecting?

-Him. Mandy's bit on the side.

I want Dad to know what she's really like.

And he's meant to be here but he's late.

-No. No!

-Go on, put it on!

-No, I'll look an idiot.