With Max and Tanya's physical relationship diminishing, will Max be tempted by Roxy? Michael begins to feel resentment towards Janine. Shirley takes matters into her own hands.
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ALFIE: 'You see, the thing is, poker, it isn't really about cards.
'It's not even about the size of your chip stack either.
'And when you're playing, everyone, and I mean everyone, is your enemy.
'You can't give them anything.
'It's you, on your own, against the world.
'And believe me, you have to win at all costs.
'Whatever it takes.'
There we have it. Five dollars! Come on, Alfie!
Mr High Roller comes home to roost. Well done, sister.
Oh, we're all winners.
Me with my scratchcards, you with your poker.
Here, this'll help the toothache.
But, Jean, five dollars isn't going to go far.
It's what you can do with it, Alfie, you being such a good poker player.
All right, sweetie, yeah?
This yours? Well, little Amy's?
I'm sure you don't need a little cup anymore, hmm?
-Anger ain't good for the soul, mate.
-You ain't good for the soul.
-There you go.
-Oh, thank you.
What's all that for?
Ah, bridesmaid dresses, can't decide on a colour, though.
Mrs Branning reckons maybe salmon pink
but I don't know if I like salmon pink. What do you reckon?
It was just a scenario that didn't go our way, eh?
-No-one got hurt, nothing got damaged.
-Leave it, Derek, yeah?
-Oh, he's in the know now, is he?
-Come on, Jack.
-It don't matter.
-What d'you mean, don't matter?
If he says it don't matter, it don't.
Let's stop the arguing. It's done with, dusted.
I know you're busy but I'm at a bit of a loss.
I was wondering if you could help me pick my colours for my brides...
Don't worry. Come on, keep going forward, keep going forward.
-I'm doing my coursework!
-You'll be all right.
-Where we going?
-Go on, open 'em.
-What? I don't see anything.
-Keep looking. Just keep looking.
I'm sure it's going to be around here somewhere
if you look quite closely.
I couldn't resist it.
Oh, you shouldn't have.
Yeah, you're telling me.
Come here, you.
Pick a card.
-Shouldn't you be getting back to work?
-Just pick a card.
Cos if you pick a queen,
then we spend the rest of the day in bed together.
-I've got to get to the club. We're opening early today.
Just give it to Fat Boy, throw him some money.
C'mon. One in 13 chance, let's go, let's go.
Ten of diamonds.
You can't win 'em all, babe.
So, I'm thinking, maybe take the night off, game of cards.
-All right. Sure, man.
-£20 in, if that's not too rich.
Ooh. If you want to lose your money, then go right ahead.
Jean, listen to this talk, eh?!
I'm liking this bloke more and more, I am.
-Alfie's very good, you know.
-Oh, yeah? Me too.
So, who else am I going to be taking money off, huh?
Main thing you get with this motor is reliability.
It's a diesel, engine's going to run forever,
it's got a full service history.
Yeah, it's got full service history.
Here, take it for a test drive, yeah?
What, as in deer? Why don't I write you a cheque instead?
At least then we could make some of this dodgy vodka
(at least seem legal.)
-And why don't you be a good, little girl, hmm?
We want things to run smooth while Phil's away.
-Ain't that right, Bill?
-Oh, we do?
-Like a pearl.
Thank you. We'll make a necklace at this rate.
That is not a man you want to be messing with.
Course he is. You all are. You men.
Oh, I have got years of payback in me.
Check this out, we have gone viral.
So, I put all the info into the My Mate Gate, all right.
Put all the links about the cheap booze and cheap entry,
and look at the hits I got! Go on, count 'em.
-You don't have to count them, there's a little thing.
-That's almost 200.
-Yeah, I know. And rising.
-D'you know, I love drunken wasters
more than anything in the world.
FAT BOY AND JANINE LAUGH
-So you got lucky that time.
Sold that car.
Oh, it's you. I didn't recognise you with your clothes on.
You're still there? You're still at Phil's. I suppose you would be.
Shouldn't you be looking after Amy?
Bet you couldn't sleep last couple of nights. Half expecting a knock at my door.
No offence, I don't like eating off my brother's plate.
Anyway, I got steak indoors. Don't need to go out for a burger, do I?
-So, he was looking in a compact, seriously?
Yeah, yeah, he'll be plucking his eyebrows next, won't he? Ha-ha.
Listen, you'd better get back to the salon,
-I need to get to the gym.
-Do you fancy having dinner with us tonight?
Sorry, he can't, we're busy.
-Oh, yeah, since when?
-Don't know that Jack's in the mood.
-I've had a good morning.
-Got some money. Alfie's running a poker night tonight and we're going.
-Yeah, well, no thanks.
Got to go home, I've got things on my mind.
Want to put my feet up, have a think.
It's the weirdest thing. Thought I heard a woman's voice come out of your mouth.
-Less of the sexism.
Just another word for do as you're told.
Oi. I said no, didn't I?
So, what d'you want, a little bra?
Get you a little bra, little dress. Suit you.
-I ain't a woman.
-So, prove it.
Yeah, I know. I can't believe how much he paid for it.
And where are you going?
Out. Out to show off my new bracelet.
Well, it's not like you've got any friends.
Look who's pressed the reset button, eh?
What is the matter with it? I have to ring someone to fix it.
Hey, what's up with you?
You could turn a beer sour with a look like that. Ha-ha.
Thank you. So many charming men around these days, aren't there?
Oh, Rox, I'm only having a laugh. Just winding you up, come on.
Come on, gimme... Come on, let's turn that frown into a smile.
That's the one, you see.
Now, you could sell toothpaste to the toothless, you could.
Come on. This ain't like you.
-That is not on!
What you...? Oh, Jean, don't be so stupid!
I'm just giving Peroxide a pep talk. As if I'd come on to one of my mates.
-What's the matter with you?
-Sorry, must've been the angles or the light.
Course it was, what's the matter with you? You should be so lucky, eh?
MUSIC: "Manic Monday" by The Bangles
-Oh, here we go.
-Come on, boys.
Oi, oi, lads!
Oi, oi, boys.
I want to know where she goes, what she does and who's she with.
Look, you know how I feel about this.
-Get someone else to do it.
-Well, I can't, can I?
Got to keep it in the family, people I trust.
-Why don't you go bother someone else?
-You seeing Phil today?
You know I'm not.
Poor Shirley. Looks like you could do with some company then.
Ah. I'm good as I am, thanks.
-Some people might call that breaking and entering.
HEAVY BASS PLAYS
Oi! Get out the way!
Show some respect!
The date for the Plea and Directions hearing has been set.
We're expecting a big turnout.
A lot of people'll be looking forward to Phil being banged up.
-We should probably sell tickets.
-Why didn't you send a letter?
You know, just something I wanted to add. That little personal touch.
You're so thoughtful.
D'you know, you'll be sitting here for the next 20 or 30 years
with your cup of tea and your fag.
And one day, there'll be a call
and it'll be someone telling you
your old man's just died in his sleep.
Nice and peaceful, lying on his bunk,
little vessel burst in his heart.
He opened his eyes one last time,
looked around and thought, "This is no place for a man like me to die."
But he dies anyway.
You know, I always imagined him in one of those Essex mansions.
In-out driveway, heated pool.
When you think about it, he's just a little man in a little house.
So, you got in touch with yourself yet?
Don't get it, do you, Max?
A few days ago, I was a dad. Then I realised I didn't deserve to be one.
Bruv, there's two ways you can go on this.
One, you sink into a pit of blackness.
Or, two, you get a flaming grip.
And that's it, that's your options.
So, what's it to be? Pit of blackness, or fun with your brother?
I'll see you at the Vic, yeah?
Well, that wasn't so hard, was it? See, don't need Tanya's cooking.
Steak or burger, you're still looking.
So, you know what's in my head, do you?
It's not what's going on in your head that you listen to, is it?
All you did, Roxy, was give me a nice, little memory.
Nice, perky, well-formed, little memory.
-I've got plenty of those.
-Not with my name on it.
Why don't you face facts?
You took a shot at the title and you lost.
Yeah, count me in, count me in.
Yeah, because I've got...
Yeah, I'm telling you, I'm world class though, warning you.
You've seen my poker face, ain't you?
I've just cut my finger, I'm looking for a plaster.
Yeah. Where and when, then? What's the...?
What's the...the deal?
Tell you what, let's do, let's go for 50. 50, yeah, yeah.
Let's be men about it.
-Not now, Hev.
-Marsden is bang out of order, I'll get her.
-Can't it wait?
-We've got that maid of honour talk.
-Well, walk and talk.
-Hev, I'm walking but you're not talking.
I can't decide on the colour. What colour suits you best?
-No, I'm Jay, remember.
-Where is he?
-I don't know.
-Then go and find him.
-I'm working at the moment.
All right, all right.
You're going to wish you had talked some sense into Ben.
What's Ben done now? Shirl?
Oi! What you doing? Don't you cheek me.
Go on, the lot of you!
HEAVY BASS PLAYS
You don't mind Amy being upstairs?
Course not. Shenice loves hanging out with her, anyway.
OK, fine. Look...
OK, can you...? Don't tell Jack that she's up there, OK?
It's a little bit sensitive at the moment.
All right. Lips are sealed, all right.
-Thank you. Appreciate it.
-No problem, darling. It's all right.
Oh, 50 quid, eh? Big boy.
Going to get rich, baby.
Nice dream but I can see you crying all the way home to Janine.
You want to be careful, Michael. I've seen Alfie play.
-Like you'd know anything, though, Jean.
No, I have seen him playing.
And you've also seen little green men.
Oh, come on, don't be that way. Jean.
How about this? Look, pick a queen.
Come on, pick a queen. We can be mates again.
-And what if I don't pick a queen?
-Go on, indulge me.
Come on, Jean.
Bet you can't.
-Go on, Jean.
-There's a lot at stake.
Oh! What've you got?
That's it, the luck is with us.
So, about this game. No Derek.
Cos I want to enjoy myself.
Sometimes I look at that bloke
and I think I'm staring into the abyss.
All right, chaps?
Heard there was a poker game.
That's Mandy going into the pawn shop.
With the bracelet.
And that's her coming out.
-She sold it?
Well, must have.
Ben, you're the business. Text me the photos, yeah?
I had a message for you. But Shirley can come tell you herself.
-Cos I've done my bit.
-What's the message?
You'll have to find out for yourself.
I wouldn't want to be in your shoes, though.
This is not on, Patrick, we're not having it.
Yeah, but look at the prices.
Yeah, yeah, it's outrageous, that's what it is.
You know anyone with a good camera?
Oh, c'mon, Luce, you got to cut loose. Get it? Loose Luce.
Passed Roxy on the way in.
Jean had to go and do something with her camera.
I just needed cover. She'll be back soon to sort out drinks up here.
-So does that mean Amy's here?
-No, no, she's with...
No offence, Michael, but tonight, I'm going to eviscerate you.
-I'm going to gut you too.
And you, well, you lost already.
Oi, it's supposed to be a laugh, this is.
-Not like a scene from Gladiator.
-Good, cos I'm about to unleash hell.
Oh, come on, your faces, eh? Your sad, frightened faces.
I'm here to have fun as well.
-Yeah, really cheery, Derek.
-Ladies, come on, please.
Come on, boys, you lot should be like me. A ray of sunshine.
No, no. For you, mate, darkness falls.
Tonight is the night that your lights go out.
-Leave it out, come on.
-Come on, it's banter. It's just a bit of banter.
Here we go, shuffle up and deal now, all right?
Come on, Jack, lighten up. You're with the boys now.
The outside world don't exist.
Well, how come I can hear In The Night Garden?
MUSIC: "In The Night Garden Theme"
-He's right, that is In The Night Garden.
-How do you know what it is?
-It's a parent's duty to watch.
Yeah, it's Amy's favourite show. She loves watching it.
You sure she ain't here?
What? No. Jack, no. That's just Shenice.
Boys, boys, boys. Igglepiggle's dead.
-Let's play cards.
I'll be there when I can, Lauren.
-You're not wearing your bracelet.
-Don't you like it?
-I'll have it if you don't want it.
If you want to go get it.
MUSIC: "Louder" by DJ Fresh
-So, this is what you wanted then?
-Make it cheap and they will come.
Hello? Yeah, speaking.
Lauren? How'd you get this number?
-It's about time.
-Right, what've I done?
-Look, Ben, you've got to start coming good.
He's about to go down. You got to start remembering who he is
and what he's done for you.
He's your dad! You owe him.
I mean it. You got to tell the police you were lying.
I ain't doing it.
You what? You what?!
-How can you do this to him?
OK, Ben. It's plain and simple.
You do as I say or I'll slice your guts seven times till Sunday.
-Here we go again.
-Are you hearing me? I won't be looking after you!
You'll be on your own!
Ben? You all right?
-What's she doing here?
-I thought Jean was going to be here.
No offence, I'm out of here.
-Fellas, it's just drinks. That's all.
-Don't go just cos of her.
I'd rather not be doing this, but there you go.
Yours is a steak, Max, isn't it?
-What's she going on about?
You reckon, Derek, yeah?
-All the evidence points that way.
-Don't start, Derek.
-You heard her, Del.
-What's it to you?
-We don't need this, do we?
-Since when are you calling the shots?
-Can we just play cards?
Woah, ladies, please.
Look at that. My luck's just changed.
Aye, aye, here we go.
-So, what's brought this on?
-Just fancy getting away for a bit.
You know, be nice to see Jane.
-Yeah, what about school?
-Yeah, she's got a point.
Look, I just need to get away for a bit, all right.
There's too much going on here and I can't concentrate.
OK, I'll give you a lift. And when I get back,
we'll have a think about where you lost that bracelet.
Yeah, I don't know, you know. I think it might've been nicked.
All right, see you in a bit.
Thieves. I hate 'em. I hate 'em more than anything.
Read 'em and weep.
Oh, come to poppa.
Here lies Michael Moon, born to lose.
Janine'll just have to reimburse you, mate, eh? She's got plenty.
Course she has. That's the only reason he's with her, innit?
This boy don't do love, do you, Michael?
Come on, Jack, you're throwing your money away.
-Don't even want to be here, do I?
-I knew she was here. I knew it.
-Roxy didn't want to upset you.
No, this out of order!
Calm down. You don't want to upset her, do you?
-Come on, where's Shenice?
-That's your little girl?
Look, why don't we just call it quits, yeah?
-Let's do this another night.
-No, I tell you what,
how about we up the stakes, eh?
-Not for me. I'm done.
-Hang on, who's the woman now, Max, eh?
Who's wearing the bra?
That's very amusing. I like that.
Well, then, 500 to you, Mr Sunshine.
I want photos of everything.
Yeah, exhibit A to V.
Lauren, shut the door.
Cannot believe the oldies were so blind.
Are you blind? This ain't the R & R.
-Yeah. But there's a way in through here.
-What was all that about?
Don't know, don't really care.
That's a fire exit.
-Hang on girls, that's a fiver each. Come on.
-I don't think so.
MUSIC: "Mama Do The Hump" by Rizzle Kicks
Almost had you.
Did you like my little set-up?
Knew you'd take the bait and go after Ben.
-I've got no idea what you're talking about.
Anyway, Ben's off on a little break now.
I asked him why he wouldn't shop you.
I mean, come on, intimidating a witness, Shirley.
-Are we getting desperate?
-I ain't done nothing.
You try anything like that again and you'll be tossed in a cell.
Just like your old man.
So much for my money-making scheme, eh?
-Yeah, well, it's a bit difficult for me to concentrate.
-Yeah, I know. Yeah, I'm sorry.
Listen, while you're here, mate, why don't...?
She ain't my daughter, Alfie. Is she?
Oi. Course she is.
Now, you go in and see her.
-I ain't going to do it.
MUSIC: "In The Night Garden Theme"
We're going to be all right, sweetheart.
Give me a kiss.
Why don't you go home to your steak, Max?
I would do but it ain't been on the menu for a while.
I know what you are, Roxy.
A little game player.
Look at you. Little tease.
What I am is something you shouldn't be getting any nearer to.
It's funny, cos you're the one that dropped the towel.
Well, accidents happen.
-That's always my excuse.
ALFIE: Roxy! You out here, darling? Come on, I need you!
Look, that is my final offer.
Sorry, I've got to go.
Here she comes. Woman of the year(!)
-Ugh! What do you want?
-Have you seen this road?
-Not that again!
Listen, darling, we all like a good time. Me more than most.
This road is a warzone and it's down to you and your Manic Mondays.
-Can't you just give it a rest?
-Your name above the door,
your responsibility for any public nuisance.
-Tidy the road.
-Clear it up.
-What, the road?
-The road, the pavement. Just clear the mess.
Are you happy now?
I'll be happy when you show some consideration
for those of us who live and work round here.
I think you'll find that I do,
bearing in mind that I employ and house most people around here.
Babe, you always ask me what I want for dinner when I'm having my breakfast.
-When else do I get a chance?
-I don't mind, all right? You choose.
Your dad's not said anything about that bracelet
so I'm assuming you've not showed him the pictures of me pawning it.
Yeah, well, he'll see them when I want him to see them.
Suit yourself. You're just giving me more time to come up with a reasonable excuse.
You know what, it would take you 50 years for your brain
to come up with something even half reasonable.
So I'd pack your bags if I were you.
-What's that lot?
-It's the ironing. You don't mind, do you?
-I'm just going to do the bathroom.
-I do mind, actually.
It's my day off and I'd like a bit of time to relax.
-A little relax?! When was the last time
-got to relax?
Probably when you was locked in your cell
for 23 hours a day and I was looking after your kids.
I didn't mean for it to come out like that.
How DID you mean it? I've been out for ages, you're still bringing it up!
Look, I just want some time for myself.
Why didn't you say that? I'm not a mind-reader!
What is this? Gas bill, final demand?
No, that is a FINAL final demand.
-Don't know why they write it in red ink.
-How much? I suppose we used that over Christmas.
If we ain't got it they can't have it.
-That's a great attitude(!)
-What attitude am I meant to have?
Ricky's money ain't even touching the sides.
I've asked Shirley for some extra shifts and she said she's doing me a favour as it is.
-I don't like this any more than you do, Mum.
-We're out of milk. Here you go.
-Oh, so I've to go and get that, on top of everything else?
-Well, I'll do the ironing!
And while you're at it, here's an extra quid.
Treat yourself to a scratchcard.
Might be your lucky day.
I still don't like the way she bosses you around. It ain't right.
She's the boss. That's what bosses do.
She thinks she's better than you and everyone else round here.
She's got money. That makes her better.
I'd rather have my looks than her money. Anyway, my looks are going to GET me money.
-How do you mean?
I mean, looking as fit as this, I'm going to have no trouble pulling a bloke with money.
And no, I don't mean a dealer or anyone dodgy.
Yeah, I reckon I could pull myself a nice bloke.
Someone that works at a building society or a plumber.
We can get a place together and I can train to become a hairdresser.
You can come round on Sundays for lunch.
-He'd better be a good cook.
-He'd better be good at looking after kids!
What you looking at?!
-I wanted to pull her gross hair out by its roots.
-But you didn't, did you? So...
Yeah, well, I should've done.
Lucy, you don't like the woman that your dad's marrying. So what?
You're not supposed to.
-They're called wicked stepmothers for a reason.
-I liked Jane! It's just this one.
She's taking him for a ride. And she's got someone else.
-Why do you think she pawned the bracelet?
-I don't know. Why?
Cos the other guy wants money!
Oh, right... Of course, yes.
Mandy - the woman that you said is with your dad for his money -
is now having an affair with someone that ain't got a penny to his name.
Why don't you just show your dad
the pictures of her pawning the bracelet?
Cos the photos aren't proof that she's having an affair, are they?
-I need to find proper proof...
And you're going to help me!
Can you believe it - it's, like, nearly been two weeks?
I know. Feels like two months.
I mean, in a good way. Just because we're spending so much time together.
I love being with you.
Yeah, well, make the most of it cos I'm meant to be at the Emporium.
Don't mind me. You not at college today, Whit?
-Right, if you're not doing anything you can help out with the ironing.
-You can't get one minute's peace round here!
-Let me tell you why you love being with me.
-Oh, yeah? Go on, then.
-Well, it's cos I'm the perfect boyfriend!
I've got the looks, I've got the body...
I'm generous, I'm charming.
And I won over Bianca.
No, you haven't. She's not THAT keen on you yet.
-She will be, just like you are.
If you two wanted to be alone, I could go out for a bit.
-Mind you, I'd expect the ironing done when I get back.
I had Cora on at me about the litter in front of the club.
There was a whole heap of rubbish on the road,
and not just from the club.
There's this chicken shop...?
-They're pushing a heap of rubbish too.
That's Janine for you. Don't care about anyone apart from profit.
Does anyone ever win on these things?
Yeah, sometimes. Oh! Jean - she won, didn't she?
Yeah, she won about, what, 8K?
-It's a mug's game.
-Well, I've always been a mug.
Here you are, give us another one. Me luck's got to change sometime.
That is the winning ticket, I can feel it in my bones.
This is the one! This is it. Go on, girl!
Go on, you've got two... Oh.
Oh...two stars. There you go. Not to worry.
I'll see you all later.
-See you, darling.
-That's for the paper
and I'll take one of those scratchy cards if that's all right.
-Well, you never know.
-You know what, I hate looking at it like that - all burnt out.
It's a shame, innit? Not to worry, though.
Oh, hold on. One...two...
three! Can you believe it?! I've got the big three!
Alfie's a millionaire! I've won a tenner!
If you're looking for something special,
there's a nice two-piece over there. Suit you.
Just having a browse, actually.
What you doing?
I'm not allowed to sell jigsaw puzzles
if there's more than three pieces missing.
Why would anybody want to buy a jigsaw with a piece missing?
Come to think of it, why would anybody want to buy a jigsaw at all?
I like jigsaw puzzles.
So long as they ain't got a lot of sky. Life's too short.
If you're looking for a new girlfriend, I'm right out.
And if you want to offload your current one, try the RSPCA
cos I wouldn't give her shelf room.
-I hear you've been giving Janine aggro.
-What of it?
We don't want unpleasantries, Cora.
I don't mind an unpleasantry, myself.
We're just trying to make a living, like everybody else.
By selling booze to underage kids?
Is that right? You're getting kids drunk?
-Not that it's got anything to do with you.
It's got everything to do with me.
-And every parent round here.
-They're not underage.
It's a club, all right? There's bound to be noise and there's bound to be litter.
We don't complain when, every night,
there's bags of tat lined up on your doorstep, do we?
If you have any grumblings, come and see ME, please. Janine's pregnant.
Therefore she's delicate.
Janine - delicate?! Someone wants to do something about him.
Don't worry, darling, I already have.
-Thank God I saw them before I actually started cutting it.
My 10:30. Head full of nits.
You should have just chucked her out.
You know what I love about our relationship?
The way you hang off my every word. I DID chuck her out.
That's what I've been talking about for the last half-hour. I've got to get back.
Who was that?
Er, it was just a customer asking me to drop a price.
-And will you?
Won't do her any harm to keep her waiting, will it?
It's always games with you, innit?
Look, I know I said things were better between me and Lucy, but...
She's been following me around, taking photos.
What sort of photos?
Well...I've got a bit of a confession to make.
The thing is...
..after my bracelet was stolen, I felt really bad,
cos I know how much it cost you.
So I went to this little pawn shop.
I've got this old ring, and I thought I could get money for it
so I could at least give you some back.
Anyway, unbeknown to me, whoever had stolen my bracelet
had only gone to the same pawn shop!
Anyway, the ring wasn't worth anything, and I didn't get any money,
but that's not the point.
The point is Lucy has taken photos of me going in and out of the pawn shop,
and she's done something -
some sort of computer thing. You know I don't get all that stuff.
But she's made it looks like I'm wearing the bracelet when I go in.
-No, you're not listening to me. It was a PAWN shop.
-No, Photoshop's when you alter photos.
-Oh, right, yeah, silly me!
Well, anyway, she's tried to make it look like I have sold the bracelet
which is not true, the bracelet was stolen.
-Probably just messing around on the computer, that's all.
I was just worried. She's not going to be happy till she's torn us apart.
As if that's going to happen.
I don't even know what I'm meant to be looking for.
Anything to back up what I already know.
-Yeah? Like what?
-Just keep looking!
-Yes, what can I do for you?
-You wouldn't happen to have any jobs behind the bar?
Sorry, I'm all staffed up what with taking Roxy on.
-I could collect glasses.
-I'm sure you could, but Paddy's got that one sewn up.
Jean's doing that, darling.
Tell you what, next time I have a special event in the pub I'll give you a shout.
With Mo and Kat being away I'll probably need extra hands. I'll call you.
-None of your business.
You're sounding pretty desperate.
-You've made it quite clear YOU don't want to help me financially.
-Hey, hold on!
-I'm happy to give you money for Morgan.
-It's the rest of us you don't care about.
-Everything all right, Bianca?
-What you doing here?
I just fancied a drink.
-You're happy to throw money at this lot. That's new, innit?
-No, it's not.
I know everything in your wardrobe. I've never seen this before.
I got it from the charity shop, all right?
I knew I recognised that.
Ignore the label - it says wash on 30 but the bias binding might buckle
-so you might want to give it a lukewarm hand-wash.
I gave them nice slacks that go with that as well. You want to look out for them.
Sorry, hang on a second. You didn't drop this by any chance, did you?
-Yeah, I think I did, cheers.
-You did? Take care.
-I saw you drop that tenner next to her.
So what? She's had it rough lately.
-There has got to be somewhere we've not looked.
-Lucy, do you not think
-you're getting a little bit obsessed with this?
-What, and you don't care about your parents?
The girl who nearly killed her dad for cheating on her mum.
Hello, girls. I thought you'd be at school.
Nice to see you, too.
Right, well, this was fun while it lasted, weren't it, eh?
Yeah, we're not finished yet.
Oh, you stupid...!
They're practising for the Olympics!
-Lucy, you are crazy!
-No, just determined.
-She's going to go mental!
-No change there, then.
She made me do the ironing.
Well, it's the food chain, innit? I give it to her, she gives it to you,
-and in a couple of years you'll be able to give it to Tiff.
Yeah, you know how much they love cake.
Thought I'd do loads of chocolate icing. If you're lucky you can lick the bowl.
-Oh, I love hundreds and thousands!
-How did I know that? You going out later?
Yeah, it's me and Tyler's nearly-two-week anniversary so...
I'm glad you like him.
I didn't say I liked him. I said he's better than I thought he was going to be. But if he hurts you,
-he won't look so pretty.
-You've said that before.
It's the pretty ones you've got to watch.
-You think he's pretty?
-I think he's pretty!
You're never chucking that away!
It's bad enough that the only thing I've bought myself in a while
is from a charity shop without finding out that it was Jean Slater's!
It looks all right on you.
It probably looked good on Jean when it was new.
-I don't think anything looked good on Jean!
-Laugh all you want, but I still don't want it.
-Where did you get the money to get that?
-I found a tenner.
-Oh, great priorities, Bianca.
You was going to buy yourself a G&T earlier!
-What are you accusing me of?
No, come on, let's have it. I work really hard.
I give up most of what I earn. And with the rest of it I budget for seven drinks a week.
That's one a day. One pathetic little drink to make me feel a bit better about my life.
-What, you'd deny me that?
-Of course not.
Look at all this stuff. My mum's bag is exactly the same.
Nice lipstick, though.
Yeah, nice if you're standing on a street corner.
-What's this perfume, then?
-Eau de Grot.
Look, this don't feel right. Feels like we've mugged her.
There's nothing here anyway - look.
Oh, isn't there?
KNOCK AT DOOR
What do you want?
I'm pretending to buy a car, ain't I?
I can see that you are just rushed off your feet.
Too busy to respond to my text?
I'm getting round to it.
You know what? I have got a little bit of dignity left.
I'm getting sick of waiting for my phone to ring.
That's all it's going to take, is it? One phone call?
It's a good place to start, innit?
-Lucy, you have gone too far this time!
-Well, I had to, to prove she's cheating on you!
And, look, I've even got photos!
Mandy's told me all about the photos.
-What did she say?
-That you altered them
-to make it look like she was wearing the bracelet when she wasn't.
-Why would I do that?!
-Because you're out to cause trouble!
-No! I'm out to show him exactly what you are!
Dad, I didn't even take the pictures.
Ben did, so why don't you ask him?
-Oh, that's convenient considering he's gone away.
-You don't need to cos I found this in her bag.
-A money transfer. You sent money to someone yesterday.
So don't try and deny it cos it's there in black and white!
I pawned the bracelet. I needed the money, sorry. I can't tell you why.
-See? She admitted it!
-You're loving this, ain't you!
I'm so sorry, I wish I could tell you why but I can't.
I just can't! But it isn't what it looks like, I promise.
Ian, I've never asked you for anything.
But I'm asking you this now. Just please...
you've just got to believe me. I'm not having an affair.
And there's no-one else... Just believe me, OK?
-How do you know it's Georgian?
-I looked it up.
-It's not got a date on it.
-Yeah, but it looks right.
-You call something Georgian, you can double the price.
-What is it?
-It's a pot!
-What kind of pot?
-A Georgian pot!
-Can I help you, mate? All right?
-Not unless you're Janine Butcher.
No, no, I'm Michael Moon.
-How's it going, all right? And you are?
You won't find Janine here at this time. She's probably at home.
Just come from there. No-one in.
Really? Oh, yeah, that's cos she's moved, of course, yeah.
She's gone to Dalston, I think? Somewhere in Dalston.
Sorry, I can't be more specific than that.
Rose has managed to lose another mop.
And you are bothering me with this why?
All right? I've just fobbed some geezer off looking for you.
-Why did you fob him off?
-Some licensing bloke. It's that dodgy booze.
-Someone's shopped you.
-I know exactly who that is.
-Please can you come in here and finish this up for me?
And please, all right, be careful.
This is very expensive stuff that I'm ordering.
I sent him to Dalston.
Are you expecting me to thank you?
All right for some, innit!
-What you doing?
-What? Nothing! Nothing.
Just Janine, she wanted me to order some baby stuff for her.
And she wants two of everything?
Solid silver. That won't turn your wrist green.
-It's a bit pricey, though.
-What price glamour, eh?
-Yeah, but £15?
-How much? Who priced that up?
Honestly, some of them that work here, they've got no idea. Give us a tenner.
-It's a charity, darling. Eight.
-Seven, and you've got a deal.
Come on, I want to close the shop up and put my feet up.
-Who do you think you are, reporting me?!
-Oh, they've come already?
-So, what, you're not even denying it?
-Yeah, I called 'em.
And if they don't close you down, I'll call 'em again.
You're using that club of yours for underaged drinking.
You think you can get away with anything, don't you?
Well, not this time, darling.
Don't you threaten me, because I am warning you...
Oh! Are you hearing this?!
Issuing threats to a pensioner!
A volunteer in a charity shop!
You know what she's doing, don't you?
She's flogging cheap booze all day, all night to kids.
Were you always this righteous when your daughter was bedding Max
behind Vanessa's back? Or when the other daughter was jacking up in a crack den?
Ladies, maybe this is a good time to intervene.
What if we reached a compromise?
How would you feel about that, if we crack down on the fake IDs,
if we opened later in the afternoon
and I personally gave you my own pledge to clean up every scrap of litter?
-Every pool of vomit?
Yeah, all right, every...every pool of vomit as well.
And a monetary contribution to this fine establishment.
-Stop! I am not going to give her money.
-Tax deductible, of course.
I'm not against a good time... Deal.
Remind me never to get on the wrong side of you.
I'm just a harmless old lady, darling.
You know Megan Rogers? She's having a birthday party but I ain't invited
cos her boyfriend Jake fancies me.
Whitney's had the sewing machine out all afternoon. What do you think?
We've lost all them flowers and the Jean Slater froufrou.
-Do you like it?
-You did this after I chucked it out?
I don't know what to say. It's really nice!
-Stick it on!
-All right, I will!
-That'll be Liam, probably forgot his key.
-Thought he had a shift at McKlunky's. Thanks, Whitney.
It's all right.
What is it?
You've brought my kid up for the last six years.
You've done a brilliant job. What's in there don't come close to child maintenance,
but Alfie just paid me, and this is all I've got at the moment.
Just under three hundred.
-What? I don't...
-Just take it, B.
Morgan, your dad's here.
-Fancy some cake?
-I'd love to.
-It's a surprise!
But I hate surprises!
-You'll like this one.
No offence, but your idea of what's a good surprise will probably be pretty lame.
You're not going to tell me, are you?
Well, that depends.
OK... They're starting these classes at the community centre.
-First-time-mum sort of thing. You agree to go, and I'll tell you what the surprise is.
-OK, I won't tell you what the surprise is, then.
-Where you going?!
Surprise? You went and did it, didn't you?
-You've got to take your chances, Hev, you know that.
I've never stolen anything in my life - not on purpose, anyway.
It's not PROPER stealing!
You'd better cancel that order, or you're no better than a thief.
It's not for me, all right?!
So why don't you just mind your own, eh?
Why don't you go and make yourself busy somewhere else?
And I tell you, if you say anything to anyone about what I did, right,
I won't be held responsible - do you understand?
Good. Now, go on, do one.
MUSIC: "Dance With Me Tonight" by Olly Murs
LAUGHING AND SQUEALING
Who wants cake? THEY CHEER
Oh, that flamin' meter!
-You know me. I love a happy hour.
-This is true.
But there's a difference between half-price drinks
and flogging quick shots to kids who can't afford it
so then they get drunk and trash the neighbourhood.
-Michaela, if it's a girl.
Anyway, I've already decided on a girl's name.
Come on then.
No, you'll just have to wait and see.
Oh, can we sit over here because Cora's there and I've had quite enough of her today.
So I don't get a say in naming my own child?
You can make some suggestions and I might like one.
What about Matthew Moon? Matthew Moon if it's a boy.
Look, let's just make one thing clear, shall we?
Whatever it is and whatever we decide to call it,
its surname is going to be Butcher.
You having a laugh?
Not open for debate. Orange juice, please. And I imagine he's going to have a whisky.
See her face? Clearly she hates to be in the wrong.
I wouldn't start celebrating, Cora.
Janine fights dirty.
Good! Who wants a clean fight?
I could get you a top-up.
Oh, it's too late now, Ray. Anyway, I like it like this.
-Right. There should be enough battery to play the film.
-He's great, ain't he?
-No worries. Good job we had them candles at the Emporium.
-Yeah, it's romantic, ain't it?
Oh, don't go getting any ideas, you two!
Tiff, pass Tyler the cake.
There's only one left!
Yeah, and it's for Tyler!
Happy nearly-two-week anniversary.
Ugh, they're kissing!
Shut up! Come on, press play, Tyler!
MUSIC: Theme from "Indiana Jones"
If he wants to believe her, he's more stupid than I thought he was.
I seriously think you should just forget about it.
Let her take him for a ride. It's his own fault.
No way! This "L Stevens" on the money transfer is obviously the same "L" on her phone.
So what, Lucy?
-I've got L's number.
-Right. And are you going to ring it?
No. I've texted him. Told him to come and visit Walford.
We're going to find out exactly what Mandy's hiding.
SHE MAKES HELICOPTER NOISES
Oh, come on, she's just letting off some steam.
Give it five years, she'll be on Crimewatch.
Give her a break. She's a kid. It's her job to make noise.
Come here, Tiff! You're going to be late for school!
Hark, the dulcet tones of the parent. Bobby went off ages ago.
-Patrick, you haven't seen Masood with the post, have you?
No pink things in the morning.
There weren't no cereal.
Well, have some toast.
There weren't no toast.
Come on, get in.
What are you doing?
Well, you're the one who wanted me to come to these classes.
So, here I am. I believe the children are our future.
I said, "We", together, plural.
HE LAUGHS TO HIMSELF
Hey, Janine. Look!
I knew we should have gone private.
Morgan! Come on, I'm late for the caff now. Is everything ruined?
There wasn't much to ruin in the first place.
But look, the gas is back on, it's been paid
and the electric's back on.
Yeah, for now. I get paid today. I'll replace the food.
Janine will have to wait for the rent.
Can I have money for sweets?
No, you can't. You've had enough for today.
Don't look like that, Tiff.
-You should give up sweets and treats for Lent.
It's a religious thing. You give things up to be religious.
-Because Jesus says so.
Jesus says I can't have pink pigs?
Morning. So, good day planned?
Yeah, I think it's going to be a fantastic day.
Anything I should know about?
So, are me and you OK?
Yeah. Yeah, we're fine.
What about Lucy?
She's fine. Everything's fine. Mandy Salter, I love you.
Today is going to be a good day.
Why don't I cook today? For all of us?
-That would be great, Lucy. Wouldn't it?
-So, lunch? One o'clock?
Will you please tell me why I'm here with a load of knocked up teenagers?
What happened to the beatific mother-to-be?
Why am I here with a load of knocked up pensioners?
Oi. Be nice. She's given you a job, remember?
Don't tell me that's my surprise.
No, no, no. Be nice for you to work together, won't it?
-I mean, your kids could end up playing together, couldn't they?
Me and Honey went to this antenatal thing once.
It was mental, it was.
It was all that sort of role playing thing.
All the daddy wolves had to circle round all the mummy wolves,
and then you had to start howling, right? I was like this...
-HE HOWLS AND LAUGHS
Is this going to be all happy clappy?
Feel free to ask any questions as we go along.
Every pregnancy's different.
Too right. My Honey was size the of a house for our second.
Not a first time dad, then?
Oh, no, no. I'm this baby's great grandad. Her grandad.
I'm not the dad. Obviously.
I don't know who the dad is. Does that matter?
Well, have you got a shortlist?
It can be very challenging if you're facing parenthood on your own.
But we're all here to support you.
I've got a question. Is this class going to cover elective C-sections
and private hospitals?
Or should I just leave now?
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
# Let's deck the Vic in daffodillies! #
-It's St David's Day!
-Yeah. Jean, that's lovely, darling,
but how many of our punters are Welsh?
It's not Welsh. It's Greek.
Greek? OK, it's Greek.
Narcissus died looking at his own reflection in the pool.
-And the flowers grew where he fell.
-Course they did.
-That's why they're called Narcissus.
We have to have them. It's traditional.
OK, let's do it, then.
-Ha-ha! And leeks!
-Oh, lots of leeks.
-Let's have millions of leeks.
You two all right?
Yeah. We will be. Thanks for the other night.
That's what family are for, eh? What you doing for lunch?
Want to come to ours?
Thanks. Max, not a word to Dot, eh? She thinks I've given it up for Lent.
It's a man's basic right to have a drink. Pack of the usual.
Come on, you should know Dot. She don't listen to basic rights,
not when she's on the religious warpath.
-Sounds like Dot.
-She says we should be filled with the spirits, not debauchery.
You been sneaking debauchery into your room again?
Come on, I've learned from Jim. Say, "Yes, Dorothy", to everything.
And then go hide in the allotment. See you.
Think we can guess what this is all about.
Tuck your pelvis under.
Perfect. That'll help stop lower back pain as baby grows.
See? You're going to be good at this, girl. I can tell.
-Leave it, leave it.
-No. no. She's not available, mate, all right?
-You're not available.
-That was important.
-This is important.
Billions of women every year have babies without knowing how to
sit on a yoga ball.
Just look around you.
Look, everyone's got someone by their side.
-So, I'm the father, Janine, OK?
I'm the only one volunteering to be by your side.
You need me.
MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES
So he's left me something in his will? And this is what?
An order? I just have to drop everything and turn up tomorrow?
Well, it's just an informal meeting with Yusef's solicitor.
Where I'll be given a cheque for a few pounds?
And that's meant to make everything all right again, is it?
You know I want nothing to do with that man.
Afia will inherit most of it, I'm sure, but we should go.
If only to say it's over.
So what's this, then? You due some sort of a payout?
Must you? Pry in other people's private affairs?
-Hey. You all right?
That's a lot of effort. I thought we were only having a quick lunch.
Yeah, I invited Jack over, too. You don't mind, do you?
No, no. That's fine.
-What are you doing now?
-Tidying up. This place is a mess.
every time you're in a foul mood, we've got to have a makeover, have we?
Do you know, I've got to say, I am surprised you're staying as Mrs Khan.
I thought you'd be back to Masood, like I was to Fox.
Well, you've had that many surnames, it must be difficult to keep tabs, no?
Don't presume to know anything about my religion,
all right, Denise?
Your religion sounds pretty loose. You've had three husbands in a year.
I have not.
Um, Masood, Yusef...
then back to Masood.
That's three. You man-eater.
-Masood is not my husband.
-He's as good as, ain't he?
I'm still in mourning. We all are. The whole house is.
Do me a favour! What, seriously? So what is this, then?
Is it some sort of religious thing?
How long you got to do this mourning for?
Four months and ten days.
What? Even if he was a psycho?
You're not going to give me one of those, "It will bring me shame", speeches, are you?
I really don't think it counts if he tried to kill everyone.
No religion is that strict.
I'm not justifying my religion or my personal affairs to you.
Well, pardon me.
Well, I just, you know, I do feel kind of involved.
Given how I was made homeless, I'm skint and mine and Kim's business went down because of it.
But do you know...?
No, I'm happy that you got a cheque out of it.
-You all right?
-You look nice.
Course you do. Don't she, Max?
Cheers. Don't really need wine, do we, Tan?
Got to get back to work and all that. Go on.
Peter! Yeah, it's Dad.
I was...ringing up for a quick chat.
So, how's the new car?
Oh, right, it was nothing important. I was just ringing up for a chat.
I'll talk to you another day, yeah? Bye.
That looks nice, Luce.
Oh! Well done. That's interesting presentation.
Everything all right between you two, then?
-Yeah, we are. Just fine.
Shall I...um...propose a toast?
Nine hairs and a nit. That's what Dad used to call him.
Yeah, well, Dad used to call me a lot of things, didn't he?
Not a lot of it was nice. Or fair.
Do you want one of these?
Don't, don't. Got to get back to the salon, ain't you?
-It's just one glass, Max.
-Only one glass, innit?
-All right, Lauren?
-All right, Lauren?
You're the only one here who can turn down a drink.
-Give it a rest, will you?
-Proud of you, you know that?
You're 18 soon, ain't you, Lauren?
-When can your uncle legally take his niece out for a drink?
-End of the month.
Listen, you stay dry till then
and I'll throw you a party at the Vic.
Oh, yeah, that'd be nice!
If anyone's going to throw a party for my daughter's 18th, it's me, right?
All right, sorry.
Another drink, anyone?
Yeah, why not? I've got to say, Lucy,
I think it's really nice having salad for a change.
Especially seeing as it's March the first.
-Sorry, darling, I need a cloth.
Oi! I clocked them looks you've been giving me.
Listen, your dad believes me.
So you better stop acting weird, all right?
I ain't the one acting round here.
Yeah, and I ain't the one going through people's handbags.
Ceasefire didn't last, did it? Do you know what?
I thought you two were teasing me.
But you've both forgotten, haven't you?
What's today? It's March the first.
It's my birthday.
So Roxy's fobbing Amy off already.
I mean, why bother going to court?
Well, I offered. It's more cash, innit?
I pay the bills. Not you.
Oh, Janine, you can't just come in here like that.
This is our house.
Actually, I think you'll find I can. It's my house.
I'm the landlord.
And I charge you a miniscule rent, which you keep failing to pay. Remember?
Good. I take cash, cheques, American Express...
I'll take anything right now.
Look, Bianca, I'm not the enemy.
You can have a job cleaning for me if you haven't got any cash.
-No, I'm not that desperate.
-All right, good. Good for you.
I was actually coming with a job offer for Whitney.
When little one here comes along, I'm going to need a nanny.
Oh, well, anything I can do to help.
It'll be live-in, of course.
Well, she's not going to hear the baby cry from here, is she?
-I'll think about it.
-I'm just saying, a well-paid nanny position
from a respectable employer, luxurious accommodation...
Don't think too long, yeah?
Poor kid, she ain't even had it yet and she's palming it off already.
I think I should do it.
What, and give up college? For her?
You ain't done all that training to be her skivvy.
Listen, I'll sort the bills. Don't worry.
I'll go and see Ian, get a shift at the chippy.
I'll do it now. Look,
does this face look like I like him?
I'm just no good at the fluffy things in life. I'm so sorry, Ian.
No, it's fine. It's not a big deal.
KNOCK AT THE DOOR
-Are you sure?
-All right, Luce? All right, Ian, mate.
Listen, mind if I pick up them leeks that you promised me?
-You sure you need that many?
-It's just Jean, getting excitable -
talking about dragons and stuff, are you going to pop over or what?
Yeah, we should go for your birthday.
You kept that one quiet, didn't you, birthday boy? Happy birthday.
-First one's one the house. Give me the leeks for nothing,
I'll give you a second one.
-Come on, let's go.
-Yeah, come on.
-Yeah, go on, then.
-No, stay. We've got champagne!
-Oh, come on, Lucy, that'll keep. Come on, let's go over there, it will be fun.
-Don't look so worried.
-I'll come in a bit. Happy birthday, Dad.
Ahh. See ya.
Right, are you going to tell me what's got into you? Jack needs our support right now over Amy.
-You know this.
-So you've fallen for his Peter Andre Dad of the Year bit?
He's got kids that he don't give a stuff about and he's sorting out my daughter's 18th(!)
-He offered her a party. That's all.
-It's all right, I'm the bad guy.
-He's your brother. Try and be nice.
-What, like you're being nice?
-Low cut, hanging out...
I saw you giving him a hug in the Square.
-Through there, you're all over him.
-What is going on in your head?
Fancy a bit of the other brother?
Oh, shall I start dragging up every affair you've ever had?
Would you blame me? You won't let me near you!
It's not... It's not that I won't let you, I...
-Do you think I want to feel like this? Not normal?
-Yeah, well, I'm sorry.
All right? I'm sorry, Tan, I shouldn't have said that.
You don't want me any more, do you?
-You said it wouldn't happen but it has.
-Please don't say that.
I love you. Come here.
I get scared...
..that you're going to find someone else.
Listen to me, all right? I'd never, never do that to you.
-All right, darling?
-I'm not sure about this hat, Alfie.
I can't see what's coming at me from the sides.
I feel like a horse with blinkers on,
-not knowing if someone's going to throw a firework at me.
-Look, is anyone here even Welsh?
You've got birthday boy here to thank for all these.
We should have a sign, shouldn't we? "Ian Beale leeks".
-So, it's your birthday?
-But you don't pay them much attention any more, do you?
-That makes you a Pisces - which figures. Sensitive. Romantic.
-Smells of fish.
Jean, have you got any cake? You know, like something a bit birthday-ish?
If you'd given me enough notice, I could have done you a fresh, mixed berry gateaux.
Oh, the best I can do is jazz up a Victoria sponge.
-How many candles?
-Don't look it, does he?
-Oh, did you hear that then?
You know, it's scientifically proven, right, that blokes
over the age of 40 cannot sit down without going, "Urgh".
-I didn't not go, "Urgh".
-Yes, you did.
-And watch the old balcony over the toy shop!
-I don't have a paunch. Anyway, you're older than me.
-Shut up, I'm 37.
-Yeah, plus VAT.
-Just ignore him, babe. You're well the fittest one here.
I'm wounded! Anyway, enjoy your free drink.
-What, just the one?!
-Yeah. I'm not sure your prostate can handle it, Bealey.
-Oh, it's you.
-Who was you expecting?
-Him. Mandy's bit on the side.
I want Dad to know what she's really like.
And he's meant to be here but he's late.
-Go on, put it on!
-No, I'll look an idiot.
-Go on, for me. Please...
A bit tight. Cor...
-You ain't got any extra shifts at the chip shop, have you?
-Oh, you've got to be joking.
Look, Bianca, I'm really sorry. I haven't got anything. We're saving up for the wedding.
Look, I'm entitled to celebrate my birthday, ain't I?
B, listen, I've got nothing, sweetheart, but I can stand you for a drink.
No, it's work I want, Alfie, not charity.
What, and he wants to spend the night. In Dad's bed? Has he been here before?
You know what, she's a gold-digging cow.
Maybe he ain't even coming. Might not be a bad thing.
Yeah, well, I can't just let him marry her, can I?
-I have to tell him.
-Why? It's over, Lucy. Can't you just let it be over.
Look, let me text this Stevens guy, saying that you've changed your mind?
-Cos think about it, Lucy.
They haven't met in, like, weeks.
And she hasn't even been texting him - you have.
-Yeah, well, he has a right to know.
I mean, you said it yourself, I always take things too far.
I mean, everything that has gone wrong in my house.
My Mum and Dad splitting up. Bradley. Everything.
It's all been down to me.
Blabbing about Dad and Stacey's affair.
I mean, that was over. That was finished.
Everyone could have just been happy,
but I brought it back up again, didn't I?
Yeah, well, you were just being honest.
No. I ruined my mum's life. Destroyed my family.
Do you think they were grateful for that?
No, they hated me.
Just let me send the text.
It's the right thing to do, Lucy.
I mean, my parents are sitting at home, still unhappy,
still hating each other deep down.
I wish I'd never told her.
MOBILE MESSAGE ALERT
"Stop messing me around. I'll meet you at the Vic in five."
-He's here. He's in Walford.
-No, no. Your dad can't meet him.
-They're in the Vic.
-You need to get them out, then, don't you?
OK, there aren't any other curfew restrictions I need to know about? You know, ankle tag?
Joking. Right, why don't you have the 6am shift, OK. Start with cleaning the pavements outside.
And there should be... Here you are. Oh, look, I'm sure there's something there in your size.
-She looks happy.
-Well, she should be grateful.
I'm not being funny, but another criminal on the payroll... What's that?
Antenatal classes. Private ones. Just basics.
Feeding them, changing them. How to keep them alive.
I don't need any help. I've hired a live-in nanny.
-Here, Luce! Hang on, I got you some champagne, love.
-Dad, let's leave. I want to take you out.
-He IS out.
-Is everything all right?
Well, you don't want to stay in this grotty pub, do you? Look, I want to treat you.
-I'm treating him. And he's having a perfectly nice time, thank you.
-Oh, shut up.
-Oh, girls, please, not today.
-Why don't you stop acting like a spoilt little brat
-and let him have a life?
-A life with you?!
-Dad, let's go.
-Now, now. You'll need to be Marilyn Monroe to his JFK, OK?
-I've got him a cake and everything!
-You know, I bothered to do something, Lucy, cos I care!
ALL: # Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! #
Yeah. I LOVE him, actually. Come here.
-You're having an affair!
-# Happy birthday... #
-She's cheating on you.
And I know who he is. I've got actual proof.
-She is lying.
-Am I? I've texted him.
L Stevens. The one she sent the money to, Dad.
And he texted back, begging to spend the night with her.
-In your bed, Dad. He's coming to the pub.
She's had an affair right under your nose. She's a cheap... little...tart.
Sounds about right. Don't give me that look, Mand.
You can scrub your face but you can't scrub what's underneath.
-Mandy, what you done?
-Just admit it.
Ain't you going to say hello?
You're the one who dragged me here with your stupid little texts.
-L Stevens? As in Lorraine Stevens.
Um...OK. What's the matter?
Now that Bianca's gone, spit it out.
Whitney was a hooker.
Laid up in some dirty room with horrible geezers climbing all over her.
Well, she made mistakes. I've made mistakes. Does that make me unfit to be a mother?
She slept with the local nonce. Am I the only one that thinks that's wrong?!
It can't be good for you, is my point. It must warp you in some way. It messes with your head.
And yet you seemed perfectly happy to let your brother date her.
-I think you're overreacting.
-Am I now?
And she lives with my kid?! And I'm supposed to fix visiting hours with her, am I?!
You're not moving in, if that is what this is about?
And my name. My child can't have my name?
Please. Not this again.
You already have a baby, OK, that's living the other side of the Square that you never even see.
And have you ever wondered why?
We were going to be together, all right? But Kat wouldn't let me.
She said no. She wouldn't let me be the father.
What am I supposed to do about that, if she says no?
What am I supposed to do?
And so you just cut everything off, don't you?
And then you can't go back. It's too late.
And now I can never be his dad.
I will never stop you being this baby's father.
Really? What are you doing? You're stopping me.
Explain that to me. You can't. I didn't even know you had that.
I didn't even know you had it. I deserve more than that.
Oh, God, here we go again. Look, Janine...
..we're so similar... in so many ways.
We've got this messed up childhood,
where we were wondering if anybody loved us enough.
And...and YET you still won't let me love my child.
-I'll never, ever stop you loving our baby...
-Oh, "our" baby now(!)
Now it suits you, is it? Our baby.
Our baby, who'll know me as the dad who wasn't there.
When it went to sleep. When it woke up. When it cried in the night.
No, well, I can't be its dad, Janine. Not on those terms.
So it's best it never knows me.
So then it can't hate me.
I've had enough. It's your baby now.
It's over. You're on your own.
-I thought we could have a nice chat about Mandy!
Funny that, so did I.
Er, Don't mind me.
Tea, my darling? Or frothy coffee?
Yeah, I went all the way up the high street for that.
-SHE BREAKS WIND
-Oh you might want to open a window, sorry!
Jalfrezi! When will I ever learn, eh?
Who'd be a woman, eh?
Why are you reading that, anyway?
So I can answer Lola's questions,
been a long time since I had mine, ain't it?
She'll be fine. Don't you think?
Least your baby's dad's on the scene. Lola's got NOTHING, has she?
-Lo, sorry, I didn't mean...
-You're eight minutes late.
-What you going to do,
take it out my minimum wage?
Actually, I was going to say not to worry about it,
-considering it's your first day and all that.
Right, well, I'd better go and meet Big-gob Bianca.
-Anyone got any earplugs?
-Oi, oi, be nice! You need this job.
I mean it, Janine.
You've got it all, you have.
Just hope you appreciate it.
Eh? You're not supposed to be in till later this afternoon.
I thought I'd relieve you for an hour, give you a leisurely elevenses.
Have you seen my favourite gloves?
Not so sure I'd be happy to work extra hours
-if someone left me an inheritance!
Well? How did it go? The will?
You know solicitors - sharp suits, sweet words.
Don't tell me, after all that, he's left you nothing.
He left me everything, OK?
-Yes, "Wow," now do you want this break or not?
Yeah, course. Thank you.
-Yes, everything, Denise!
Do you want me to get that club closed?
You better get that donation to me by the end of the day.
Not so mouthy now, are you? Now your other half ain't here.
What's he, the wind beneath your wings?
Look at me when I'm talking to you.
Shame if he is, because I bumped into him just now on my way here
and he said you were on your own.
-Michael actually said that?
-Women like you always end up alone.
A single mum's a single mum.
No matter how much her shoes cost.
-You're just as bad, for swallowing her rubbish!
-I know, all right,
I should never have believed her.
She tried to make out I was cheating, Ian,
and she got proved totally wrong.
And see, by the end of today you'll be wishing it was some fit bloke that turned up, rather than my mum.
There's nothing a hot shower and a couple of cups of tea can't make better, eh?
Oh, sorry, doll, I thought it was Mandy's.
All right, calm down, I'm not naked!
Goes on like a grandma, don't she, sometimes?
Right, I'm off to school, and you'll be gone when I'm back
so if you leave the bedding, Mandy'll deal with it.
-Sofa OK then?
If you knew some of the places I've had to lay my head you wouldn't ask me that question!
Turn his hair white between us, wouldn't we, Mand?
What about I cook us a nice lunch before we get off, yeah?
-Here you are.
Oh, I wonder what Heather'll wear!
I can't believe that I lost my favourite teapot lid.
It was a Mother's Day present from Shabnam. The whole teapot, not just the lid.
-Are you even listening to me?
-For pity's sake, Denise, who cares?
You think Kate Middleton's going to lose any sleep over what Heather is wearing?
You're in a right sour mood! Remind me to never get left loads of money in a will!
-Why are you being so aggressive?
-Show me a 21st century woman who isn't aggressive,
confrontational, hard done by. No offence.
Makes me glad I'm single.
Got lucky the day that I met Mas.
Marrying him was the best thing that I ever did.
Yeah, won't mention divorcing him then.
But luck isn't infinite, is it, Denise? It runs out.
Oh, give me strength! What you after, eh?
Keep me away from Joyful Jamila.
All right, captain? You look like a chap what's in the know.
Posties. You lot know EVERYTHING about everyone, don't you?
Yeah, yeah. I suppose we do.
Lorraine. I'm here to see my girl. She's marrying Ian,
that ginger bloke from the chippy.
Yeah. Nice to meet you.
You off for a drink?
-Just thought I'd treat myself to a cheese and onion pasty.
-I love pubs.
It's how you really get to know a new place, innit?
Er, Lorraine, please. Why don't you let me buy you a drink?
Welcome you to Walford.
What a gent! After you.
Janine, have you seen how much this...?
Where you going?
-A bit mother-of-the-bride.
-Village of the Damned, me.
-I can't wait for you to get married.
-Don't hold your breath.
Er, Nan, you've got me all wrong, seriously. I'm not anti-marriage.
I'm just waiting for someone just like my dad.
There are worse marriages.
Really selling it to her, Tanya. Ain't you got feet to file?
Well, excuse me for skiving off from the salon that I OWN
to spend a bit of time with my family.
Shouldn't you be in some classroom, getting patronised?
No, that place gives me more of a headache than home.
-Problems with the granny-in-law?
-Next time I have a great idea,
lock me up until I change my mind, all right?
Still on for lunch?
-Yeah! Definitely. It's on you, ain't it?
It's just a shame you and Whitney don't get on, cos she's about this afternoon.
-And she hates me.
-You did have that little thing with Tyler, didn't you?
Yes, thank you, Mum!
You girls should've learned that mates come before dates.
There's a cruder way of putting it, but it means the same thing.
Good friends are rare, you should hang on to them.
I reckon the local's the best way to get a real feel of a place.
I thought your friendly neighbourhood postman was facilitating in that regard.
Oh, has he gone?
Think you're all that and a bag of chips, don't you?
-Well, he's not that bad. When you get to know him.
That some sort of foreplay?
Ha-ha! Please just tell me what I can do so we can make up?
No, the game's over.
I want you, OK?
You know that I want you and it's not just for this baby.
For me as well.
You're not the only one who doesn't know where they stand.
It's not like you've smothered me in hearts and flowers.
None that I haven't paid for, anyway.
Why do you think that I push you away?
in my life has left me.
Well, it's true, you know that!
My mum, Dad...
Grandma Lydia, Ryan...
And I cope!
Most of the time.
I'm used to it.
I'm telling you that I don't want to "cope" any more. I just...
I get scared, that's all.
Do you really want to end it?
You look upset.
Well, I'm not exactly made of granite, am I!
You'll be fine, Janine.
You'll be fine. Woman of your means.
Army of nannies...
You won't even notice you're on your own.
I don't want to be rich and alone.
SHE CLEARS THROAT
< DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
-Ugh, you're old enough to be his mum!
Anyway, where've you been? It don't take half hour to go and get wire wool, does it?
Yeah, I know, it's a good job I'm back.
Look at the smears on that.
Says the girl that spat on the window and wiped it with her sleeve.
-Yes, I saw you, Lola!
-Least I ain't going grey!
We'll see what Janine has to say about that, shall we?
You can't tell her!
I'm going to tell her you are rude and lazy.
-That is what I am going to tell her. I could do with your shifts.
-But I can't lose this job!
I've just gotta show my Pops I can do it and just make him proud of me.
Erm...do you fancy lunch?
Yes, Bianca, I'm hardly going to invite...
Come on, my treat.
I've got some crisps in my bag, sorry.
Just forget it!
What are you gawping at?
Is she pulling her weight round here? You know she's on trial, don't you?
Not that it matters anyway.
Listen, I could always leave the crisps till tomorrow if you want?
No, I'm fine.
-Thanks, I owe you one.
-Just zip it, gobby, and get the hoover out!
SHE SINGS ALONG TO RADIO
I knew it! What, you thought you'd sniff around for a little bit and then get your feet under the table!
-Was that cash I sent you, Mum, not enough for you?
-What's the biggie?
A mum wanting to stay with her only daughter a couple of nights.
There's five pairs of knickers there! I didn't know you owned five pairs!
Why didn't you tell me about big Pat?
-She was one of my oldest friends.
She knew what it was like on the streets. Horrible punters and that. I should've been at her funeral.
You hadn't seen her in years! Anyway, who told you?
Me and Lucy had a little chat.
-Right, I bet you did.
-It's funny, innit?
To think I wouldn't be here
if it weren't for that stuck-up little madam.
You don't like her cos she knows what you're about.
And I met Patrick. Ooh, he's lovely!
He was a good mate of Pat's.
Said the funeral was REALLY emotional.
You're stealing my life.
Ooh, and I met that fit Indian fella, the postie,
he filled me in on Ian.
Far as I can see,
turns out Ian is what we used to call "a good catch".
His own business, this place, and he's obviously nuts about you.
-I'm finally a little bit happy?
What's his is yours!
And what's yours is mine.
Cos you wouldn't want to see your old mum struggle now, would you?
To be honest, Mand, I am struggling a bit at the mo.
Sorry, Mum, but you've got to go.
I was thinking, I never really apologised for that thing with...
-Yeah, yeah, it's fine.
It's fine cos I'm not threatened by you, Lucy.
Well, y'know it's good manners to graciously accept someone's apology?
Normally I wouldn't care what you think, but I am bothered about Lauren.
She really wants us to get on
and I think the least we can do is try.
-See you later.
I've been looking for you.
Oh, that's funny, cos I was looking for you.
I was going to ask if you fancied going for, like, a posh lunch
but now is not the time for sitting around eating prawns and creme brulee.
Now is the time to think about work and the future.
Oh, good, cos some bloke called for you.
He's a developer...
developing a thing down at the river, yeah.
-Reckons it's a once-in-a-lifetime offer.
Until Baby Butcher comes along,
I am going to need all the distractions I can get.
-He wants to talk it over with you face-to-face.
-OK, well, at least it's going to take my mind off
being dateless and desperate.
Michael Moon is in the past
and me and this little baby, we are the future!
What do you mean "the past"?
It's over, Billy.
It's good! No, it's fine. It's all good.
And...well, this little business venture is exactly what I need...
Janine, listen why don't we go and have a bit of lunch, eh?
You haven't got to be at this bloke's beck and call, have you?
It's too late! I've got to dash.
I've got money on my mind and my mind on money.
Don't you get sick of chips?
Well, my aim in life is to never see, fry or smell another one,
but for now, at least they're free.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Wait, I bet that's Fatboy. He can sniff free food a mile away!
Do you mind if I join you?
Good job I nicked this from my mum's stash then, ain't it?
(I'll get the glasses.)
I got your favourite. Carbonara, extra cheese.
-That's all right.
Probably won't be as good as yours, though.
Listen, we, erm...
We need to have a chat about your mum.
Oh, yeah, she had to go.
She said sorry about lunch, but that's why I got this!
-Well, cos it's your favourite.
-No, why did she have to go?
It's not like she's the sort of person who's got loads of appointments and stuff.
Because you look at her and you see me differently.
Mandy, we've all got embarrassing relatives in our past.
Not like mine.
Not like hers.
How many times have I got to tell you, all right? I love you.
Which means I love all of you and that includes the bits you hate.
Yeah, but it's...
When she's about, it's just like there's some sort of hell waiting round the corner.
Know what I think?
I think you need to smooth things over with your mum, OK.
Put what's in the past IN the past where it belongs.
But...you don't know what she's like.
No. So I asked her to stay.
She wants to work it out as much as you.
Course I do! You're my little girl!
I tell you what, how about I go and get some of that cheesecake you like?
See you in a minute.
Sly piece of work, ain't you? With your cushy little number.
Well, you are forgetting who taught you!
Me and you, we're going to have a ball.
No, I don't want to be hammered for school.
Plus if I did, Dad will sever my limbs.
That's all right, just sue him for compo!
Oi, imagine if we could sue our parents!
All three of us, we'd be billionaires!
I'm not interested in all that. Money don't make you happy, does it?
Yeah, well, how would you know if you've never had it?
I tell you why, cos I've never been so happy
than when me and Tyler are sitting on that sofa of his eating crisps.
-That don't cost nothing, does it?
-Have you seen the price of potatoes nowadays?
You seen the price of everything!
D'you know what, this is what winds me up, yeah!
Right, they cut people's benefits, they axe loads of people's jobs
-but the price of things just gets higher and higher!
-You don't know what it's like to be skint, Lauren.
Whitney, I work at my dad's low-rent car lot.
-Oh, how terrible for you.
Whitney's right. You don't know what skint is if you've got a family to fall back on and a nice house.
No. It don't mean I don't understand!
Yeah, you don't know what it's like to be skint. That's the way it is.
-No, you've got to appreciate the small things in life.
Oh, right, well we'll see how happy you are, right,
when you can't pay for your rent or for those crisps!
It's important, innit? Family, friends, love...
-Yeah, and what about security?
Knowing that you don't have to rely on your dad
or some sappy guy?
We might be in a recession, but I'm going to make it, one way or another.
You two, you two are scaring me!
Right, where did my nan hide her sherry?
-# Sherry baby! #
I hope you've got a head for heights.
So, you want to tell me what's really bugging you?
I never found those gloves, did I?
-And my teapot lid.
-This ain't about a teapot!
-OK, my tooth is cracked!
-You were shovelling them pistachios!
-My bathroom light doesn't work,
-I've been overcharged on my gas bill and Tamwar has a boil on his chin.
-So, you've had a bad day.
So I've had a bad day?! Do you not get it, Denise?
That filthy blood money that that man left me. It's cursed.
And there I was thinking I was going to meet a man who was going to make me very rich.
Had to get your attention somehow.
You had my attention, Michael, when you rejected my offer of the future.
And you were serious about that, were you?
I'm so tired of all the "if only"s.
When we were kids...
..me and Jack used to run up a tower block out there.
It's out there somewhere, in the sprawl.
The lifts wouldn't work, you know, so we'd get to the top and...
you'd be so knackered,
and it would be like you were going to be sick.
There were no safety rails, no nothing,
and we would just stand on the top and you would...
And I'll never forget the feeling of...the whole city...
just laid out before me, the whole world...
..just waiting for me to conquer it.
Some of us just made do with Barbies.
I never forget that feeling...
that it could all belong to me.
If only that bird hadn't screwed me over,
-if only that business deal hadn't gone sour, if only...
If only you hadn't been so selfish?
Something I heard earlier, about luck...
is that if you have it, you need to keep it close to you
because maybe it runs out.
If it does, you may never get it back again.
So maybe you...
..are the piece that makes all of it possible?
You know, separately we're good, but together we could be great...
I mean, together, think what we could achieve. Huh?
Isn't that what you want?
Oh, that was gorge! What's it called again?
Ain't I a div? I'm such a div, ain't I Gran-dy?
-You all right, love? It's not like you.
I'm going to go. Lauren!
Lauren, you caned all that drink!
Two bottles to yourself?!
That is my mum! She can't see me like this!
Turn the music off!
She just left.
Oh, she said she was going to pop in and see me
before she went back to work.
Did you have a nice lunch?
-Good. It was nice.
I've been here before.
-I just don't know if I believe in destiny and soulmates any more.
You haven't been here before.
Not here. Not now.
Not with me.
-Has the height made you slightly delirious?
You're it, Janine.
That missing bit. I know I'm yours...
Why do you think I brought you here?!
Come on, marry me!
Look, you're going to have to give me your finger. Look...
What, you think I'd risk getting a ring without your approval?
You're just going to have to make do.
I can't believe I got down on one knee! That's just so cheesy.
Hearts and flowers?
I know, they're gorgeous.
This is going to be the start of massive things for us.
I love you.
That's why you have to sign a prenup.
I said that I didn't want to end up rich and alone
and I definitely don't want to end up skint and alone.
Let's conquer the world, baby!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
With Max and Tanya's physical relationship diminishing, will Max be tempted by Roxy's continuous flirting?
Michael begins to feel resentment towards Janine for ignoring his plans for their baby, while Shirley vows to take matters into her own hands after an exchange with DCI Marsden.
Lucy recruits Lauren in her mission to catch Mandy out, while Zainab is distressed by the arrival of a letter about Yusef's will.
Money problems continue to burden Bianca - will she be forced to swallow her pride to make ends meet?