18/03/2012 EastEnders Omnibus

-Actually, I'll have two.

-OK.

All right, Shirl?

Not your usual brand.

They're for Phil.

He ain't wanted to see anyone for weeks.

Five weeks.

And two days.

Not that you're counting, though, right?

Can you take a break?

-What? Now? Not more trouble?

-No.

Breakfast. My treat.

You've cooked breakfast?

No, she burnt it.

BEEPING Oh!

-Bunking off again?

-He can go to school tomorrow, can't he?

Hold up, my birthday ain't till next week.

Tell you what, how about I buy you breakfast? My treat.

Thought you'd given up.

Given up? Didn't think you knew them words.

-Oh, just get off my back, Dad, please.

-Have I hit a sore spot?

Today of all days.

Lauren...

You ready?

Um...yes. Just give me a minute.

Babe, come on. Traffic's going to be a nightmare.

-This is important.

-More important than your scan?

Abs has been trying to get through. We keep losing connection.

Here she is! Come sit down.

-Hiya, Mum. Hiya, Dad.

-Hello, darling.

Hello, darling. How's the trip?

-Yeah, really...educational.

-Yeah?

Yeah. We're seeing lots of interesting places,

a load of old churches and houses...

And boys, and more boys.

Yeah, I was just calling to wish you luck. Not that you'll need it.

Course not.

Um...you're really OK, right?

I'm fighting fit.

Just going to get my coat, actually.

She's really OK, isn't she?

Yeah. Course she is.

Where's Lauren? She's going too, right?

Yeah. When I can drag her away from the mirror.

You know what your sister's like, worse than you.

-DOT:

-Yes, that's right.

That amount in that account.

Yes, that'll be all, thank you, for today. Bye-bye.

Put a bit aside, have you?

I hope you have, cos your share of the electricity bill is due.

That is what you should be spending your money on,

not a new hair cut.

It's for the wedding.

Yes, well, it's still extravagant.

Mind you, makes you look a little less mutton dressed up as lamb.

Give us a break, Dot.

Tell that to the meter reader,

shall I?

Five stars the Sundays give this hotel.

I give it three.

That's being generous.

I got some fags in my pocket.

I'll palm them off to you later.

You all right?

"Yeah, how you doing, Shirl?"

Look, I'm not having a pop.

I guessed that you needed some space.

But that's history. This ain't.

I've got a meeting later on with Ritchie.

We still think the best bet is to get Ben in the witness box.

I saw her myself yesterday.

HE GROANS

She never said. What's happened?

They've reduced my charge down to manslaughter.

Well, that's a start.

And I'm pleading guilty.

Hiya.

I just wanted to say...

Yeah, I know. Good luck.

'Cept it's nothing to do with luck, is it? Either good news or it isn't.

Don't know what else to say.

Nothing to say.

Like I said to Abs, I feel all right, the scan'll be all right.

-And the results tomorrow will be all right.

-Course they will.

All that nonsense you've been spouting about missing treatments,

-worrying about whether it'll make any difference.

-I never said that.

Been thinking it, though.

You obviously have.

Shall we make a move?

-Anyway...

-Yep. I know. Good luck.

Don't even think about chasing after her.

I'm not.

She can't have it both ways.

Can't say she don't want to be part of this family

then suddenly decide she does.

She's got to make a choice.

She wants into this family or she don't.

What? April the 1st come early or something?

Phil!

Ritchie reckons we can do a deal.

A what?

If I cop a guilty plea,

I'm looking at eight, maybe ten, tops.

This a wind-up or something?

If I go to trial, I'm looking at 20, maybe even more.

That's not a deal.

That's you rolling over. Giving in.

What's happened?

What's happened is, I've done the sums.

Ten years of this, or 20.

Who did that to you?

Maybe even 25. I think that's what they call a no-brainer, don't you?

So that's it.

Visiting's over.

Thank you, sweetheart.

-Hey! Look, it's Grandad.

-Roxanne! So, how was the Caribbean?

Well, Clacton was amazing.

We were building sandcastles in a Force Nine. Can't beat it.

I know what you need, what the doctor's ordered.

I'm going to take Shenice to the park after school.

Tiff and Morgan are coming. We'll do a picnic, the full works.

-Amy would love that.

-That's what I was thinking.

-What time? I'll drop her off.

-You not coming?

-No, I've got plans.

-Plans, eh?

-Plans.

-OK.

What are you doing?

Don't creep up on me like that!

Dot's up to something.

She's ain't the only one.

Her nose is out of joint because I came up with the Harley.

Now she is trying to do something for the wedding, to outdo me.

Is that all you got to think about?

Well, I'm not having it. It's my day.

Really? I thought it was Andrew's day.

Well, Andrew is my son!

I've just seen my daughter Tanya.

She's going for her scan today.

SHE SIGHS

It's Kimba time!

Come along.

Dunno why I'm still doing this. With all that money sitting there...

No, darling, it's not just sitting there.

It's earning interest, working.

Just like you.

-That's it? She's gone?

-Yep. And not coming back. After all she said about Mandy.

Why did she say it?

Cos she's a vicious, evil old cow.

She weren't trying to put a move on you herself, was she?

-She's Mandy's mum!

-So?

-No, that's mother and daughter, that's just sick, innit?

-Kimba time?

Yeah?

-Look, she was just making mischief.

-Yeah, because...?

I don't know.

Some of the things she said, it made me think,

you know what, here we go again. Cindy, Mel...

-Jane?

-Nah, Jane was different.

Yeah, well, I think so. And so does Bobby.

Hmm.

Yeah, Mandy's different. Don't care what her Mum said.

-If Phil pleads guilty...

-So it isn't a nightmare? I did hear him say that?

..there won't be a trial. He'll get credit for remorse.

-For something he didn't do.

-A guilty plea means a reduced sentence.

You're not listening, Ritchie. He shouldn't be being sentenced at all.

Plead not guilty, he'll be in court for weeks,

and if he's found guilty, we'll have nothing to bargain with

so he won't get out this side of his bus pass.

If he pleads guilty, he'll be lucky to get out at all!

I didn't know he'd been attacked, he never said anything to me.

Listen to us. This is Phil Mitchell we're talking about,

getting attacked, holding his hands up...

This ain't real.

I can try and get him moved somewhere.

Yeah? And how many times is he going to fall over on the way?

We need to get Ben in that witness box,

get a brief that'll turn the screws on him and make him crumble.

-Which is what you said before.

-What?

When you pressurised him into visiting Phil.

Put them together, Ben'll fold, no sweat, you said.

Only he didn't, did he? What if it's the same story in court?

What if he really does turn out to be a chip off the old block?

TEXT MESSAGE BEEPS

Are you allowed to use that in here?

Everyone else does.

What if the machine blows up or something?

All them dials suddenly start pointing north, I'll blame you.

It's only work.

It'll keep.

If this is bad news...

-It ain't gonna be.

-I know.

-But if it is...

-Tan, please.

You could cope, couldn't you?

Ready for you now.

See you in a bit.

I think it's for Nick.

So? A mother should look after her child.

He was never a child. He was born a monster and stayed one.

Is this any of your business?

You didn't see how much money she was putting away.

And if it is for Nick, he's bleeding her dry.

It's up to her what she wants to spend her money on.

There are better things.

Like you, you mean?

No.

Mind you, that Harley did cost a bit.

But it is paid for?

Ain't it?

Hev.

We're going down the florist.

Incredible. I said, "Hev," and you answered without moving your lips.

-Sorry, Shirl. We're running late.

-I need you to do something.

Got a problem with your hearing? She told you, we're late.

Is something wrong?

Yeah. Very wrong.

TEXT MESSAGE BEEPS

Come to gloat, have you?

Just collecting a couple of final statements.

Dotting the "i"s, crossing the "t"s.

-Putting the final nail in the coffin.

-You heard about the change of plea?

Phil's pleading guilty to something he didn't do, whatever Ben says.

And you know that.

-But if you can't get him one way, then...

-Any which way will do?

Never occurred to me.

He'll be in good company, though, if that's any comfort.

Lots of career criminals get done for all sorts in the end.

They got Al Capone on a dodgy tax return.

Don't even think about it.

Ben!

Listen, your dad's been beaten up.

Shirl can't tell you herself. She can't come within a mile of you.

Ben, he's still your dad.

Yeah? And he's still a murderer.

-Oh!

-Hello.

-Been out for lunch?

-What?

Anywhere nice?

No.

You do surprise me.

What are you talking about?

-Well, you know what they say, if you've got it...

-Got what?

You know what you remind me of?

A little squirrel.

A squirrel?

Hoarding its nuts.

Do you know what she's going on about, Cora?

-Got an idea, yeah.

-What's that, then?

-Let her tell you.

I've just got to get off, actually.

You ain't been snooping in my bag, have you?

Have you something to hide, then?

-No, I have not.

-I've got to go.

You miserable old miser.

Did it go all right?

Well, machine didn't explode. So your phone must have been all right.

Never mind my phone, you OK?

Let's ask the expert, shall we?

Old fusspot here wants to know if everything's all right?

The consultant will talk to you tomorrow.

She can't tell you before he does, you know that.

Tanya?

Yes. I know. Yeah.

Cheers, mate.

Here, Shirl, is it right what I heard about Phil?

Take that as a yes, then.

You're as bad as that copper.

Do you mind? I'm particular about the company I keep,

I find it helps my digestion.

Yeah, Phil can't keep anything down at the minute.

Might be due to the rabbit punches he got to the kidneys.

I don't want him hurt, OK? I just want justice.

Marsden's justice?

Even though he hasn't done anything, you still want to get him sent down?

I'd have preferred to have got him for Kevin.

-Wasn't exactly a choirboy himself.

-So this'll have to do.

So that's it, is it?

Black is white.

You're going to tell the whole world an innocent man is guilty.

Innocent?

Is that why he pleaded guilty?

He's pleading guilty because he's being crushed.

By you, by Ben, by Marsden, by everybody.

Inside and out.

Shirl.

I understand why you're doing this.

It's cos you love him.

And that's why I'm doing this too. I loved Kevin.

And that's fair enough, you know, cos that's what we do.

We look out for our own.

I just wanted to say thanks.

You know, for you sticking up for me with Mum.

Yeah, I had to pop to the cash and carry.

Oh, yeah, course you did.

But, um, thanks anyway.

She sounded genuine.

Yeah, so did Cindy at the start.

I'm not trying to get my hands on your money.

Obviously I'd like a little bit extra for the wedding.

I'm Andrew's mum.

-If I had it, I'd give him everything.

-Why?

That's a funny thing to say.

Cos I want him to have the best day of his life.

You can't buy his love, Rose.

Anyway, you don't have to, cos you've got it already.

Is that what you're trying to do with your Nick?

No. I am not.

It's for a rainy day.

What's the point in saving for a rainy day?

Let's just have the sunny days, Dot.

Why don't you just... leave him alone for a bit?

Don't look like I've got much choice, does it?

He just needs time.

He's always done it. Every woman he's been involved with,

he puts them on a sort of pedestal

and then it's not easy, is it, when they fall off?

I won't fall off.

Won't be on one in the first place.

Oh, come on, Lucy.

All right, I'm not as bad as my mum was making out

but I'm no saint either. You know that.

So does your dad.

So, how can I fall anywhere?

I'm already on the floor.

-What if it is Phil's best chance?

-Saying he's guilty when he ain't?

-He will get out quicker.

-And we just throw in the towel?

Some people would call it boxing clever.

And some'd call it chucking him to the wolves.

Phil's a big boy. He can see off a few chancers.

Jay's right, he won't turn into a wuss.

Come on, Billy, he's the wrong side of fifty.

There's a lot of young bucks in that place,

all wanting to get a reputation.

What better way of doing it than taking out one of the old guard?

KNOCK AT THE DOOR We can't let that happen.

Did you see him?

And?

I tried, Shirl, I really did, but he didn't want to know.

What's it going to do him, eh? Watching his dad go down?

He's still Phil's son, no matter what.

What happened to your hot date?

I didn't have a hot date.

I was supposed to have a hair appointment, actually.

Roxanne didn't get her roots done.

-What a tragedy!

-You should try getting your roots done,

-all the grey bits!

-Thank you.

It's not too late if you want to come with us.

I have prepared - wait for this -

some beautiful, top of the range, OK...beef paste sandwiches.

-Bleurgh!

-Wait for it!

I've got some Scotch eggs - little bit out of date.

You know what?

I have nothing better to do.

-You don't have to if you don't want to.

-I said, didn't I?

-You said, "I've nothing better to do."

-Exactly.

Hey, beautiful, want some crisps?

-What do you want?

-A word.

-You can have two. Get lost.

-It's about Ben.

-No. It's about Phil.

-It always is with you.

-I still need a word.

-It's still get lost.

GLASS SMASHES

What?

-You need a glazier.

-Shirley!

-Don't worry, we'll pay for it.

-What are you doing?

-We need to talk.

Sit down.

I know you don't think much of me and Phil.

But at least when Ben was living with us,

he weren't under the same roof as a prossie.

-Mandy is not...

-A brass?

Say it like you mean it, Ian.

Anyway...

Apart from the company you're keeping,

I'm hoping to find a streak of decency in you

to use to get through to your brother.

So you can get him to do what you want?

No. Do what you did yourself.

Remember? When Phil had the heart attack?

You could have left him to die.

Yeah, shame I didn't.

I know you thought about it because Phil told me.

You could've turned your back, walked away, and that would've been that.

But you didn't, did you?

Why?

I wasn't thinking straight.

No, cos you couldn't live with yourself.

Cos it would have eaten you away.

Terrified your life would become a bigger nightmare

even without Phil on the Square, and you knew that.

What's going to happen in a couple of months, Ian?

When Ben has to go to his old man's funeral.

-When he what?

-When he looks at the coffin.

-Hold on. What is all this?

-And says to himself, "I did that,

"I put him there." What's that going to do to him?

Probably get him free drinks for life in the Vic.

I am serious about Phil, about Ben,

about protecting that pathetic little prat from himself.

If you care about him like you say, you got to listen very carefully.

Aren't you forgetting what Phil did to Stella?

So Ben says.

He's saying it because it's true.

He's saying it because he's a stupid, messed-up kid.

No. He's a decent kid. How he's turned out like that

living under the same roof as Phil for I don't know how long,

but he has. He's telling the truth.

What's she doing here?

-Just having a chat.

-I'm calling Marsden.

No, it's all right. I'm going.

Send us the bill for that window. Make it quick.

Dead men don't write cheques.

I'm just wondering if Abs is going to call again.

What, with all those old houses and churches to look at?

Yeah. I'll try her again later,

just let her know everything went fine.

You don't think it did, do you?

I never said that.

You don't have to, it's written all over your face.

She was a new radiographer.

The last one was more chatty and this one...

just more professional, wasn't she?

Could you hold it together?

What?

The family,

if anything happens to me?

-Babe, it won't.

-There you go again. "It'll be fine, forget about it.

"Let's have a tea, watch telly, ring a mate about a motor."

-I know you're scared...

-No, I'm terrified, Max.

And not just for me. For all of you.

Why did you say all that earlier?

What?

"She has to choose. She's with us or she's not." Lauren's our daughter.

-Tell her that.

-Listen to yourself. You're making it worse.

-Takes two, don't it?

-You're old enough to know better.

What am I supposed to say?

You just talk to her, Max. Properly.

You don't just yell at her.

And if she yells at you, then you talk to her some more.

I wish you'd just said all that earlier.

I shouldn't have to, should I?

That's the point.

I shouldn't have to.

Me? I'd have just done it. And that's the trouble.

If I'm not here to do it, who else will?

And yes. That really terrifies me.

Hello!

-ALFIE:

-Hold hands crossing the road.

ROXY: Ready?

-Make sure you hold hands.

-Come on, Grandad.

Come on, let's go.

Ready?

-One-nil!

-And again.

What exactly did she want?

What do you think? She wanted you to lie down and roll over.

Wants you to hold your hands up, say, "I got it wrong,"

and then the great Missing Link can come home.

And you know what the best bit was? She was actually trying to say

that she was doing it for you. That she was thinking of you.

Two can play at that game.

Cos we are going to report this, right? If we're going to do it,

we might as well make it look good.

Or bad.

We don't need to do that. We don't need to play their games

and Phil Mitchell is not coming home.

Do you know how good that sounds?

I know you've had your problems with him,

but I've been having problems with him for years.

Yeah, well, not any more.

Say it again, sounds fantastic.

No Phil.

Walford, a Phil Mitchell-free zone.

Why didn't you do anything before? I mean, it didn't take much, did it?

I could've sorted this for you months ago,

a little word in the right ear.

Sorted what?

Phil and Stella.

It was the chance Marsden's been looking for.

She was practically slobbering at the mouth.

Well, yeah, but that's because of what happened.

Phil and Stella.

Wasn't it?

No. That was a pack of lies,

but, come on, look at you.

Ain't it worth it?

HE CHUCKLES

(Results are 11:30, ain't they?)

(Yeah.)

(It's going to be a good day.)

-Ben!

-What is wrong with the school bus all of a sudden?

He's a big boy, ain't he?

Not now, love. Come on, Ben.

All right. I'll have breakfast waiting for you when you get home.

Yeah, well, I've got a lot on my mind at the moment.

Oh.

Come on, lover boy.

Grandad, it's my roots.

-Go on. That's never out of a bottle, is it?

-Yeah.

Watch the road, sweetheart. Watch where you're going.

-Good girl.

-Here you are.

Grandad, you are a complete star.

Not a problem. Takes effort being as beautiful as your mum.

Yeah. See you later. Wave bye-bye. See you later. Come on.

Perhaps one of those lift and separate jobbies'd work.

Going to have to take it in. Looks like a nightie.

-You look beautiful, Heather.

-Do I?

Couldn't you keep your arms straight down by your sides?

Cos I said to Andrew, you know, the thing about losing weight is you shouldn't eat too much.

And that's because I'm excited.

When I was young, the one thing we didn't want second hand was a wedding dress.

-Unlike an husband.

-Oh. That doesn't matter, though, does it?

I mean, who needs, you know...

diamante beading and duchess satin.

Cos Blush and Bloom on the high street, you know,

they're charging a fortune for that one in the window.

I-It's only a dress, innit?

-But it's your wedding dress, Heather.

-Yeah.

But all I need is Andrew, Mrs Branning.

Yeah, well, them dispenser drawers, they won't bleach themselves.

A Lycra bodyshaper should do it.

No, won't work. Make her look like a sausage.

You look lovely.

IAN HONKS HORN

You get your dad banged up and suddenly every cret wants to talk to you.

Is that why you've done this?

To your dad. To...to try and improve your street cred?

Ben, your dad could go to jail for a long time

-on the back of what you've said to the police.

-Street cred. What decade are you in?

Years and years for something you know he didn't do.

What do you mean didn't do?

Then why was he on the top of that roof, eh?

Looking at the view? He's meant to be my dad, Ian.

He's meant to want Stella dead.

Anyway, since when did you get best mates with him?

-It's a lie!

-And?

What if he gets off?

I mean, he won't, will he?

All right, what if he doesn't get off?

Ben, you can't just change your mind later.

Well, not unless you want to go back inside for perjury.

You thought about that?

And what about when you get married,

or you have kids, or you move house,

or any of those big days in your life?

Your dad ain't going to be there.

It's going to be his face that's missing from the photos.

Right, and what if get ill or...

even dies in prison? Have you thought about that?

Ben, you're condemning yourself to your own life sentence here.

Of sleepless nights.

And the kind of guilty conscience that's going to just turn you

into a heartless, rotten man.

You're jealous, ain't you?

-We ain't officially open yet.

-But I've got six towels and four flannels that I need to wash.

Yes, and I've got a private telephone call I need to make.

Your mum needs us together.

These results, Lauren, they're the difference between life and...

Let's just go to the hospital with her, shall we? You, me, your nan.

Together. That's all I'm saying.

Whatever, whatever the results are, we'll just...

-we'll just keep strong.

-Yeah?

All on the same team? All there for each other?

Right.

So, you never legged it, then?

I was never left holding her up on my own.

What? Suddenly, I've got a use again, have I?

Suddenly...suddenly I'm wanted?

Would you just stop always having to have a dig, Lauren?

Will you, please? For once in your life.

Just as long as I keep my mouth shut.

Just as long as I don't get in the way of all the important stuff.

Like you and her. Oh, and her and you,

because, let's face it,

it's only ever really been about youse two, ain't it?

Everybody out now, please.

Lauren, please.

Sorry.

Sorry. See? It's not a big word, is it?

Look, no-one bullies me, all right? No-one puts my head down the toilet.

-And no-one trips me up!

-You're a good, kind lad.

-You would love it...

You would love me to be as pathetic as you.

Do you sleep at night, Ian?

I bet you torch Dad's house in your dreams, don't you?

Do you torture him, Ian? In your dreams. Yeah?

Cos you ain't got the guts to do it in real life!

You ain't got the guts and you're jealous.

-What's he done to you, Ben?

-I have bottle. I have bottle, all right.

And whatever he gives out, he knows that. He understands it, you know.

And even Shirl, she don't get it.

Because, one day, one day, my dad, my dad will respect that.

What the hell has Phil done to you?

He's my dad. He's my dad.

What? Do you think he's messed with me?

Do you think he's hurt me, Ian?

Don't you dare disrespect my dad, Ian!

You what?

What's he done, right? He's taught me how to look after myself - you weren't up for it, was you?

Ben, you put your dad in prison. You did that! You!

Do you think it's easy taking some runty kid straight off a plane, do you? Eh?

I'm a Mitchell, all right. Just cos you can't handle that...

I'm a Mitchell!

And that's all down to him.

Then let him rot. Let him rot, Ben.

I mean, can you hear yourself?

Can you hear this mental nonsense spouting you're out of your mouth?

You love him, so you put him in prison.

You hurt him, so that it makes him proud of you.

Why, Ben? I just don't get it!

I remember a kid

who liked dancing, who made a mean cake.

This kid, when got off the plane, he was shy.

He was kind.

He knew right from wrong.

So, if your dad has bullied that out of you, then, yes...

..let him rot in prison because that is what he deserves, OK?

D'you know what, I don't know what the hell our mother'd be saying.

She'd be breaking her heart, right now.

Cos she'd tell me I can't sit on information like this.

Well, the Old Bill wouldn't believe you, anyway.

No, I told you a secret.

He hates me, Ian!

You can make it better, Ben, OK? You can.

-Come here.

-No, no.

-Come here. You can.

Ben. Look, you can make it stop. OK?

You can make it stop.

Is this telephone banking or 20 questions?

Yes. That is my mother's maiden name.

I already gave you my mother's maiden name.

And I know my date of birth and I am relatively concrete on my favourite colour.

Would you like to write that down an' all?

No, no.

That is the short number. I already gave you the long number.

Look, my mother's name is not on my own banking card

because it is my own banking card.

And my name is on my banking card.

What I want from you, before Christmas,

is to take some of MY money out of my OWN bank account,

using my OWN banking card.

Oh. Oh, really.

No wonder we're in a recession, hovering on a double dip.

No! No, I can't hold.

If I had time to hold, I could be running down to the cash point

and queuing up.

No. No. No, I don't wish to continue the transaction.

I shall go running down to the cash point and I shall queue up.

Oh.

SHE SIGHS

Max, do we have to? I know we got to keep it up for the kids,

but when we're on our own? Looking on the bright side all the time is knackering.

-Wait for the results.

-I swear the next well-meaning idiot to tell me about positive thinking!

You got a kidney stone, you can't just positively think it through your bladder, can you?

You're in the middle of a heart attack, you don't just will it to stop, so...

Right. So, we've got special bits here, you know,

things that might get forgotten about or lost, if you're left in charge,

like dance badges and that picture Abs did of you, looking like an egg.

-Half hundred weight of Oscar's best stone...

-Have we got time for this now?

-Yes.

There's always been time, Max, We've just been wasting it.

Every birthday, there's a little letter.

All right? And I don't want it to be miserable. All right?

You know what Oscar's like about ghosts and skeletons.

He gets all freaked out. So, don't make him open it.

It's just... Yeah, it's just there if...

It's meant to be happy, yeah? And it's there, just so that they all...

Right. We've got to be practical, right. We need to be ready.

The girls were tiny, such a short space of time, and I wished it away, didn't I?

On potty training and sleeping through and...

So, I just want to get this last bit right and...

You know, I want to do as much as I can while I still can.

I want you to be able to lay your hands on the important things,

like, I've got certificates, and my wedding dress.

-Babe, you've got years ahead.

-You do know where my wedding dress is?

Shoe boxes.

A shoe box ain't going to be able to do their hair, is it?

Or give 'em a cuddle. Kiss 'em goodnight.

Yes, I know that! I do know that, Max! I know!

Oh, for God's sake!

See, even now, even now, I'm just doing it on my own, aren't I?

Will you please...? Would you please just be there for me?

Oh.

What you been doing to yourself?

-Has Heather left yet?

-She's in there.

Good. Look, she's got to be kept here. It is vitally imperative.

Look, can we just keep this between you and me, yeah, Annie? Yeah?

You'll be all right.

You've only got to shut the salon for, what? A couple of hours?

I'm fine.

Oh. She's fine.

-Keep an eye on her, Patrick

-I'm fine.

I just fancied some tea in a proper cup while my drawers were soaking.

-I'll make it.

-I'm making it.

Mrs Branning. I said I'd help.

-I'll tell you what, I'll go and dry your drawers for you.

-No. You can't go, no.

-Oh, oh, look at my room, looks like a bomb's hit it.

-I'll do it.

No. Is it your imminent nuptials what have rearranged my furniture?

-No.

-No. No.

-Ta. Oh.

-Oh, dear.

Amy is not coming around here any more. End of.

-Fine. I'll just cancel my biscuit order.

-D'you know what?

I was sat in that salon chair like some skanky, old tart.

-Well, if the cap fits.

-Cap?

I'm not talking about caps! Bianca, I am talking about little, metal combs

and tea tree shampoo and chemicals and separate towels and us lot, we're going to be picking over each other

like a dirty bunch of dirty apes. And I've got roots now!

You know what, you want to take better care of your kids.

-Are you telling me I don't know how to look after my kids?

-Well, if the cap fits.

-Saying I'm not a good mother?

-You had a house of creepy, crawly heads

and you didn't even know about it.

-That is it! Get in there.

-No. I'll catch something even more disgusting.

Don't be so silly. Just go in there.

-We said she had eczema.

-Or psoriasis.

I said psoriasis cos my mum gets that.

But then he saw the eggs.

Here, Rox. I think Amy's given all the kids nits.

Ergh.

Course, I could do the bathroom.

Though, I never actually went in the bathroom.

Oh, about time. ..Oh, yes, of course.

Yes. Well, I suppose, I suppose you should go now.

Oh. Thanks, Mrs Branning.

I'll tell you what, I'll see you in there, all right.

-I'll see you there.

-Tan?

-Look in the glove box.

-I have looked in the glove box.

We can't pay, we can't park. What happened to that little change holder I got you for Christmas?

I do know how the parking system operates.

-Thanks for that.

-The whole point of the change holder was to leave it in the car.

You got any change?

-I am not the owner of this vehicle.

-No, no, that's right.

You're the owner of the mouth that's doing my nut in.

You know your trouble, Max? You don't think ahead.

And now, my daughter is in there waiting for her results on her own.

I'm doing my best, all right! I don't need some sanctimonious, old bag standing over me,

telling me it ain't good enough.

Don't you think if I could magic it all better, I would?

If I could fix your daughter, Cora, I would.

If I could make her better, I would. But I can't.

Can I, Cora? I can't!

Emergency bingo money. Here. Pay the meter.

It's rotten. All of this.

Lauren's just a kid. You can't blame her.

Nobody wants to be here, it's frightening.

But you ain't got a choice. You got to take it on the chin.

You got to take everything that's chucked at your family

and hold it together.

Cos that's your job. And if you let Tanya down now

I'm going to have your crown jewels for earrings, Max.

PATRICK CHUCKLES

DOT CHUCKLES

You look absolutely beautiful.

-It's the exact one I wanted, Patrick.

-Oh, fancy that.

I've always had secret admirers since I can't remember when.

This is her wedding dress, you fool.

Not half a pound of liquorice from some dirty, old man,

like some I could mention.

This will be Heather's ONLY wedding day.

I thought she married that Minty man?

And this time, it's the right one.

Well, Heather really needed something what fitted her,

didn't she?

-You!

-What?

Oh! Oh, Mrs Branning, thank you ever so much.

Yes, yes, well, well, you know.

I mean, you do know that bleach rots drawers

-if they're left long in it, don't you?

-Yes. Yes, I mean,

I'll take this off and then I'm going to get to work.

I'm going to scrub your drawers till they sparkle!

You! Jim always said you're an interfering, old woman.

Well, it's better to give than to receive, ain't it, Patrick?

I'm not surprised she could buy a wedding dress outright.

I'll have you know that I didn't buy a wedding dress outright.

I am paying for it by instalments.

-I'm very relieved you took my advice.

-I'm very relieved to hear that, Rose Elizabeth

cos your rent has just gone up by £10 a week.

I should be buying you a coffee.

Nah, don't be silly. You don't need to buy me a coffee, darling.

Good. Cos I can't afford to buy you a coffee.

I just mean, in a virtual world, I would not be making it for you

in Bianca Butcher's mugs, while I babysit her kids.

Oh, you mean... You're talking about the virtual world.

Well, see you, I'm far too busy.

Yeah, yeah, headlining Vegas, ah-ha.

Taking care of my harem and sailing around the world in the Blue Moon yacht.

Making sure I get back here on time to let the brewers in

and stop Jean flogging her radishes.

Don't get me started. What does she call it now? The Crunch Lunch.

Yes. Summer alternative to sausage surprise, apparently.

That's the thing, right - you go away and you got to come back.

Well, not if you've got a sick reli, you don't.

-How is she? How's Kat?

-She's good. She's good. She's still being bossy and shouting,

nothing changes there. She's going to stick around, keep an eye on Charlie.

-I'm sorry.

-That's all right. It's fine.

Mind you, once she finds out she's got a bit of stiff competition

from my temporary landlady, who I think's gorgeous.

-You got a new landlady?

-Hmm, yeah.

-And she's gorgeous?

-Yeah, she's lovely, she's a cracker.

-It's your job if you want it.

-What?

-It's yours.

-Are you serious?

-Course!

-Are you serious? Alfie!

-Course.

-Alfie, I'd love it.

-All right.

-Thank you.

-You'll be helping me out big time. Hold on.

-Oh, yeah.

-But I really want us to start as we mean to go on, all right?

-OK.

So, erm, will you come upstairs with me, Rox?

Pardon?

Cos, well, Tiffany's got a hairdressers in one of the bedrooms.

No, no! The hat looks lovely, the hat will work behind the bar,

I promise you, it's beautiful. It's just the roots we need to work on, I can see the nits jumping.

-What you talking about my roots for?

-Look at the nits, they're jumping.

-Touch it then.

-No, no. Upstairs.

-You want to put my hat on.

-Oh, look at the nits, they're all dancing.

There's another one coming up, Tiff! One with nits.

Don't be scared.

I'm not scared.

I'm meant to be in double biology.

It's all right, I've emailed the school.

I can't remember her voice.

Mum.

You said, "What would she say?"

I don't know what she'd say. I can't remember her any more.

She'd say you're doing a good thing.

All right. Telling the truth, that's the right thing to do.

How about we grab some lunch after?

-Seeing as Marsden can't see us till three o'clock.

-Do you think he'll cry?

Do you think he'll hug me?

He'll hug me, won't he? Or cry.

But he'll definitely hug me.

Erm...

..I don't know.

Yeah.

Do you think he's had his head flushed?

You know he's been beaten up, don't you?

D'you think... D'you think he'll tell me he loves me?

He'll probably say anything in a minute, won't he?

Yeah, no, but you're right.

-I'm doing the right thing.

-Yeah.

-And he will realise that, won't he?

I mean, biology and natural law and all that. I mean,

the son takes over from the father.

He has to get his head round that, Ian. He has to.

Ben. You're nervous, OK. This is just the nerves.

If he cries, we leave. If he cries, he's blown it.

I won't sit here and watch my old man cry.

It's OK. It's OK to be scared.

KEYS RATTLE

I'm not scared.

-I didn't expect you to come. You didn't have to come.

-No big deal.

You're a good girl. She's a good girl, ain't she?

-Yeah.

-Horrible, scary places, eh?

I'd happily have legged it at the door myself.

I'll get us a cup of coffee. Got any change?

-Your old man cleaned me out.

-I'm for ever re-filling that change holder.

-Sorry.

-OK.

-OK.

It don't mean I'm happy about the binge drinking.

Actually, you're not right. We've always cared about you kids

-as much as we have about each other.

-You could've just stopped at sorry.

Isn't your appointment at half 11?

We're just waiting for the oncologist to be free.

She can still have a hot drink, can't she?

I mean, even if it has...

-..you know...

-Cora.

-Spread.

You mean, if the disease has spread, if the tumour's still there.

All I'm trying to say is,

-they're not going to take her in right now, are they?

-I haven't got an overnight bag.

I will be there.

I will. I'll be there.

I'm not ready.

Tanya?

Come on.

Ben! Ben, wait!

PAGES SHUFFLING

I can't take this.

Sit down.

Sit down!

I'll tell you a story.

So what, you come to gloat, is that it?

-What, no...

-Bringing Ben here? What sort of lowlife move's that, eh?

-Phil, I'm actually here to try and help...

-I've always thought that he'd be better off living with you.

Well, congratulations, you're welcome to the little runt.

-Will you just listen to me?

-Listen?

-What, to a weasel like you?

-Ben's your son!

Not any more he ain't.

What?

You've never let him be who he is.

Ben is a sweet kid, all right,

and you're always trying to toughen him up.

Making him do boxing when he wants to do ballet.

Phil, you're making him ashamed of who he is.

-Then there's this business with Stella...

-Oi, just watch yourself!

All right?

You don't scare me.

Oh, is that right?

No, you're the one who's scared

because in here the name Phil Mitchell doesn't mean anything, does it?

Look at you, you're a sad, pathetic old man.

Well, at least I've been a man

cos you wouldn't know about that, would you?

Cos all you've ever been is a snivelling little weasel.

An idiot, just like that brother of yours.

Well, I tell you what, I hope you both live happily ever after.

Now, we done here?

Yeah, we're done.

Lace fingerless gloves...

little black mini skirt, leather,

all topped off with a bright orange perm...

and suddenly this flash of orange comes tearing out of the chemist.

Tracy, her best mate, legging it behind her.

The security guard's a big fella and he comes huffing and puffing...

-So, they were nicking stuff?

-No.

She was working in a charity shop.

So, anyway, she realises the security guard

hasn't got a chance in hell of catching up with her,

so she jumps on this bench,

lifts up her top and flashes him right there in broad day light.

Look on her face, cocky little...

That's until she clapped eyes on me.

I gave her a wink just to let her know what she was in for later.

Should have seen her jaw drop.

THEY CHUCKLE

WOMAN LAUGHS

It's true though!

I know, she's a piece of work, ain't she?

What it must be like to have that sort of confidence.

See, I wouldn't exactly be holding Kim up as a role model, Jean.

Still, they might get past that slapping stage

and actually go on one of those "date" things.

Has she been all right recently?

All right? Well, I wouldn't exactly describe Kim as, "all right". Annoying...yes,

-infuriating...yes, inconsiderate...

-All right, never mind.

You see, the thing is, I've had plenty of steaks before,

so why would this one be any different?

Because the way I cook it, you'll think you died and gone to heaven.

Heaven ain't really my bag, babe.

Besides, I had a packet of Nik Naks earlier.

That's why I'm going to have to start from the very beginning with you. Hm?

Top to toe service.

What, full body treatment?

If that's all right with you?

SHE GIGGLES

-Can I have a word with you?

-What now?

-Yeah.

-Hey!

-Slow down!

What?!

He actually had hair?

For about 45 minutes.

Constantly playing with it...

Mum?

Well?

-It's clear.

-What? Really?

It's gone.

Atta girl.

And Mrs Branning, she's bought me the most amazing wedding dress in the ENTIRE world.

It's lovely isn't it, Shirl?

So, hen do, kick off at five o'clock, yeah?

-Anything else you need to tell me?

-Just final checks, Shirl.

Eh, eh.

Man, I have been polishing up my speech, gleaming it is!

Andrew you're in for a treat, son!

Our Heather looks a picture in that dress, you know.

It was very kind of Aunty Dot.

Actually it was my idea.

-I'm ever so grateful really.

-Is that it?

Oh, no, it's bad luck, innit? You know, you seeing the box?

I've jinxed myself, haven't I? I have, haven't I?

It's only a dress, Heather, it hasn't got magical properties,

-it's not going to turn you into a supermodel.

-Mum!

What?! I didn't mean anything by it, did I, Patrick?

Sorry, I've got to fly. I've got to go, actually.

You ain't got a spare parachute, have you, Patrick?

Oh, you're not going, are you?

You know, the dress, Hev, it's great. It's really, really great.

Shirl. Shirl...

..you and me, we'll be best mates for ever, yeah?

No matter what happens.

Course.

That is fantastic news.

Yeah, well, look you make sure you give her my love, won't you?

All right mate.

What's happened?

-Nothing.

-Come on.

-You're not too old to put across my knee. What's happened?

-That was Max.

Tanya got her scan results back.

-And?

-All clear.

HE LAUGHS

-That's great news!

-Yeah.

Here, I know, that calls for a get together.

-Well no, I don't think Tan would be up for that.

-Oh, yes, come on.

-Oh, come on.

-Come on!

You'll have to come back to the kitchen later,

give me some feedback.

-I've lost my appetite, sorry.

-Hey, what's happened? I thought you liked red meat?

Look, just let me past, OK?

What's wrong? What's happened?

You want your feedback?

It's grey, flaccid and I'm not interested.

Kimberly!

I'm sorry, ignore her, she's probably just having a bad day.

I wouldn't take it personally.

Thanks a lot, ladies, I don't need a sympathy committee.

Is that what they call playing hard to get?

Ben, I've just been talking to your dad who's in prison

because of a lie you told and you're here baking cakes?!

-What's going on?

-Didn't rise properly anyway.

-Ben...

Look, I'm sure they're fine.

I thought I could remember how to make 'em but I couldn't!

Tell you what, I reckon if we cut off the burnt bit

and put a bit of icing on top they'd be gorgeous.

So you spoke to him then?

Yeah, yeah.

He said he was sorry you couldn't stay.

-He said that?

-Yeah.

What else did he say?

Look, Ben, you're going to have to trust me on this, OK?

As a dad who's had a son turn against him

and do something so awful that you think you're never going to forgive them, OK?

But no matter what happens, all right, there's...

there's this bond, like a thread, linking you together and...

..it just stops you running away. DOORBELL RINGS

That's all right, just leave it, will ya? Ben?

-Ben, did you hear me? Just leave it.

-What if it was never there? That thread?

What if me and Dad aren't like other people?

Look, he will forgive you, OK? It's just going to take time.

So you told him the truth then?

No.

Look, I didn't think it was my place to, all right? But you can.

I mean, Ben you can fix this before it goes too far.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hello?

I saw you arrive, so I knew you were in.

What happened to the door?

Oh, Max, Max, Max, congratulations, mate!

Cheers, Derek.

-Great news, eh?

-What you doing here?

He was with me when you called, so, couldn't stop him, could I?

Couldn't stop me? You shouldn't want to. What you like?

Good news like this.

-We ain't going to stay long.

-Where is she then? Where is she?

Ah! There you are, sweetheart.

Hope you don't mind us popping round like this?

Nah, course she don't, course she don't. Oh, well done, you, eh?

Ain't that great? Really good. The all clear, eh?

Well, it's not really the all clear, it's just that scan was clear,

-so it's different, but...

-Well, still good though, eh? Yeah.

Probably why you're looking so peaky, eh? You should go and put some slap on!

You're going to feel the pain of my slap if you don't button it.

-So, where's the champagne then?

-Yes.

-Yeah, come on, Max, you better nip to the shop and get some, eh?

-You all right?

All right, darling?

-I'll ask them to go, if you want? I don't mind.

-No, it's all right.

We're celebrating aren't we, eh?

Right, I better dust off those glasses.

I don't want to talk to you right now, Andrew.

Erm, it's me, Mrs Cotton.

Look, I just want to say sorry for what Andrew said, you know,

I mean, he didn't mean it.

He's just being a bit protective of me

and then he gets himself a bit worked up and it's...

You don't have to tell me about Andrew.

We might fight like cat and dog,

-doesn't mean he doesn't love his mum.

-No, no, I know that...

I gave birth to that boy,

NO-ONE understands him better than me.

Yeah, well, that's probably why you argue I mean, you're too close.

TOO close? Rubbish!

It's what we've been through together, it's what's HAPPENED.

You'd be very surprised, Heather, my love.

Sorry, what d'you mean?

Just that he's my boy.

We've got a special relationship, just like you and George.

Yeah. No, I mean...

what would I be surprised about?

Mrs Cotton?

DOOR OPENING

What you said now?

This is it, Ben. This is your chance.

You tell her you made a mistake and that's it. OK, it's over.

No.

All right, either you do it, or I will.

What, like you did to Dad?

I mean it.

Here you go.

Oh, thanks.

So, Ben, I hear you were at the prison earlier...

..is everything OK?

Shirley hasn't been bothering you again, has she?

Are you sure? You seem a little quiet.

No, Shirley hasn't been anywhere near us,

but there is something Ben wants to say to you.

Well?

Ben?

-He's obviously a little bit scared...

-I ain't scared, all right.

It's only natural.

What you've done, Ben, it takes guts.

Your father is a very dangerous man.

Look, can I have a quick word with Ben in the kitchen?

No, it's all right, you can do it here. I don't mind.

Would you like a cup cake? I baked them myself.

-What?

-D'you know, there is playing hard to get

and there's being down right rude, Kimberly.

-I thought you liked Ray?

-Look, it's just not the right time.

-Why?

-Look, it just ain't. It's a physical thing.

What?

Oh, oh, I see. Well, so what?

-You don't have to jump into bed straight away. Might do you good to wait.

-No, it's not that.

Then what is it then?

I've got flaming nits, innit?

That Roxy Mitchell, she has got a lot to answer for, believe me.

You see, now that's exactly why I don't want Ray to find out.

Whatever it is, just, please, tell me.

-Fine, then I will.

-No.

He used to wet the bed, right up until he was 20.

-He was so embarrassed.

-Ohh.

Why couldn't you tell me that?

Erm...

It's just something I'd rather forget.

Don't see why Mum dragged it up after all these years.

-You're getting married, shouldn't have any secrets.

-It's not a secret!

It's just not something I want shouted from the roof tops.

Yeah, but it's me, Andrew, you know?

I mean, you can trust me with anything.

Like I trust you completely.

Yeah.

Look, it's just a few more days

and then Phil Mitchell will be going down for a very long time,

and you can make sure that kid's raised right.

You were right about the icing.

Make a good team, you and me, don't we?

What d'you say that for?

To save your bacon.

Bit of gratitude wouldn't go amiss.

Gratitude?! You just made me lie to my future wife.

Like you haven't before?

Not telling and lying are two completely different things.

Are they indeed?

-Are we off then? Cos we need to pick up George.

-Yeah.

Bye, Rose.

You've done really well, Tanya.

Thanks. I'm not sure I actually did anything.

You showed guts! You fought that cancer every step of the way.

Oh, hello, Dot.

Found Dot on the doorstep.

Well, Derek phoned me, I hope you don't mind?

-Course not, more the merrier!

-I'll get some glasses.

Dot, I'll take your coat.

Spoke to Abi, she's well chuffed. She's going to call you later.

Great.

Oh, it's wonderful news, Tanya.

I prayed to Jesus and he answered.

Oh, thank you, Dot.

-Shame he didn't answer our prayers for Siobhan, isn't it?

-Siobhan?

Don't worry about it, have a seat.

Oh, ta.

Listen, mate, I'm sorry about all of that.

It's all right.

Our family, it's like the flaming mafia.

Look, I just wanted to say...

..well, you know...

..you know, put it there.

Cheers.

Oi, it's all right.

All right.

But, you know, she doesn't mean to blow so hot and cold,

trust me there are there are reasons, you know, valid reasons,

-which really aren't as bad as they sound...

-What reasons?

Well, it's really not my place to say

and my sister's right hook is pretty formidable, which you may remember!

You know, I'm sorry, Denise,

but I'm starting to think that life's interesting enough

without adding Kim to the mix.

She's got nits...all right?

Excuse me, everyone. I think it's time for a few words, don't you?

-Tan, make a speech? Come on, make a speech.

-Eh? Oh, no...

-Come on, Del.

I suppose you'll leave it down to me then, eh?

What, is that embarrassing, is it, Max?

Well, maybe Jack should make the speech

-he's your number one priority at the moment.

-Leave off!

-Well, you know what I mean?

-Get on with it.

Well, well, if you're sure?

Cos, you know, a man might feel like he's not particularly welcome,

when all he wants is for his family to be well and happy.

I'd like to hear what Derek has got to say.

-Thank you, Dorothy.

-So, that weren't the speech?

-Come on.

-If you're going to be like that I'm not going to make one!

-THEY LAUGH

-All right, all right, all right, OK. Well, unaccustomed as I am...

-THEY GROAN

I'm only joking!

Let me just say this, right.

It's at times like this when you really realise how lucky you are.

You know, Tanya's taken a big step forward.

-Salut. Salut.

-TANYA MOUTHS

And I've been lucky enough to be the oldest sibling.

To watch these three come into the world...

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hey, put it on.

-Why?

-Just put on the headgear, babe.

I mean, we're going to need grade five level protection.

-Is this a joke?

-If only.

-The little creepy crawlies in that lovely barnet of yours.

-Denise?

I want to kill her! She had no right shouting my bus...

What are you doing?

This is not even a fashion garment.

I look silly.

You look hot.

-Do I?

-Mmm-hmm.

I suppose you've either got it or you ain't, innit?

You're damn right.

-Oh, no, no, no. No.

-What?

I say live dangerously, Raymondo.

All right.

Ooh! Halle-flippin-lujah!

-We're going to have words me and you, later...

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, we going then?

You're really checking me out, innit?

I was looking for nits actually.

-You mention that again and I will...

-What?

I dunno, I might hurt you.

Promises, promises.

Yeah, knock off your kneecap and put you in a head lock!

That's if I don't get you first.

You know what? I like a woman who can hold her liquor.

It's a sign of class.

Sign of something.

I mean, you take these young girls today, eh?

You know, staggering all over the streets, throwing up?

Oh, disgusting!

I bet when you were young you used to go out all night,

come home in the morning, not a hair out of place.

See, a different generation.

What generation's that then, Derek?

-Well the same as mine, I assume.

-Schmoozer.

I like a strong woman, Cora.

-Cheers.

-L'chaim.

Derek still banging on in there, is he?

Erm, what's wrong, Mum?

Nothing. No.

Is it Carol and Dot?

Cos you know what people can be like,

the C word just makes them say silly stuff.

No, it's not them, it's...

It's nothing, honestly.

I'm just being a silly old cow.

Right, just tell me.

Oh, I was so convinced that I'd be walking out of that room with a death sentence hanging over me.

So I should be over the moon, shouldn't I?

So why am I feeling so frightened?

The scan was clear, Mum.