06/01/2013 EastEnders Omnibus

Babe, it's all right. I'll do that.

I'm sure Shirley smokes in her room, you know.

Unlike you to be home for lunch.

I'm going to put a smoke alarm under her bed. You watch.

I'd better get back to work.

What's wrong with her?

I'm fine!

You heard her. She said she's fine.

Joey!

Think we need a little chat, don't you?

Later.

Best put this on ice, then, eh?

Ain't it about time you put a ring on it?

Right now, I'm a bit busy.

If you wouldn't mind stepping into the bedroom.

-Get into the bedroom!

-SHE GIGGLES

Hey, here we go. Where's your Auntie Sharon got to?

Hey? Where's she got to?

You smell so good!

He smells like peanut butter and mud, like he always does.

Behave! Come here, let's have a cuddle! Group hug.

All my babies, all together.

Oh, well. No broken windows, no blood on the carpet.

At least your mum ain't trashed the place.

Did you miss me? Us?

Yeah, yeah, course! Did you guys have a good time?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, great!

Right, you. Come upstairs with me, help me unpack, we can see

if you've got any presents brought back from Spain, hmm?

Well, don't you want to know where I've been?

You're always OK. You always leave and you're always OK.

I didn't think you wanted me around, Al.

Our dad had just died!

Well, I'm happy, ain't I? Happy he's dead, that's what you said.

Look at you. When have you ever been happy?

DOOR CLOSES

Joey! I'll leave you, you must have a lot to talk about.

Alice, why do you think I came back, eh?

Listen to me, I don't care how angry you are with me,

you ain't doing this on your own.

All right?

Oh, hey! Haven't seen you in a while.

All right, Carol?

Is that for the...?

How are you? Glad your mum's back today, I bet?

If I know anything about teenagers,

you'll have saved all your washing up for her, eh?

It must be hard...after Billie.

Yeah, well, you know what, I've not had a lot of time to think about it,

what with all the arrangements.

Still, if there's one thing I know about, it's funerals.

Do you know, I fancy a cake.

Do you want a cake?

Wish we could stay here for ever, Jack.

Yeah, well, you've got a club to run.

And I've got to go and see Max.

-They're back?

-Yeah. Wonder what they'll think about us.

Bit of good news is just what this family needs.

Can't we just keep it our little secret a bit longer?

Makes it more romantic.

Is this about Phil?

Cos I know he asked you to marry him.

How?

Michael. You told him no, yeah?

Look, imagine if I'd said no

and you found out I was engaged to someone else.

Someone you couldn't stand.

You've got to give the man an answer.

Yeah, I know.

We'll tell the family for now.

You can't keep it a secret for ever.

Thought I'd make some dinner. Keep myself busy.

-Anything you fancy?

-Remind me why you're here again, please, Kat?

Dad wouldn't want her on the streets.

-On the streets? Really?

-I don't care what you think of me,

but is this really what Alice needs?

Alice...

Alice, why won't you let me help you, eh?

With the funeral?

I ain't sure about that.

I mean, how am I supposed to know what to do, eh?

I'm not really sure I'm...

You are coming to the funeral? You have to.

You'll need to choose some music, won't you, eh?

Well?

-What, no souvenir sangria?

-Don't muck about, just tell me.

Has she gone?

She's gone.

Sharon called Kim - Kirsty's bed ain't been slept in.

Kirsty going doesn't change what he did.

Well, nothing's going to change what he did, is it? Abi!

If he wants the toy, just give him the toy back!

-SHE SQUEALS

-I want my toy back!

Did you get a chance to talk to her?

Who?

Who do you think?!

No. Not really. Why, what are you thinking?

You worried about her?

Not like she's my enemy, is it?

No. She's your wife.

Max isn't just some bloke I've been seeing, is he?

We're a family. You know what that means.

And he has got a point.

We weren't actually together at the time - I mean,

I just shut him out, I wasn't talking to him, nothing.

So it's not that he met someone else, it's that he lied?

Well, I lied to him too - I kept my illness from him for months.

So it's not that he met someone else then?

It's not that he lied...well...?

He married the woman, Sharon!

She's not like his other dirty little bunk-ups.

He actually married her. She's his wife. He's her husband.

-He's YOUR husband.

-Was.

And he was going to let me marry him without telling me.

What does that say about him?

Well, as long as Kirsty's gone, we'll be all right.

Right. Tanya's forgiven you. Clean slate, start again, that's it?

And you never told him you had cancer.

Exactly! What does it say about all of us?

Nah, I didn't say it wouldn't be hard work.

He thought you two were over.

I mean, is it that hard to believe that he was so upset -

he hadn't only lost you, he'd lost his whole family in his eyes

- that he turned to someone else?

Didn't exactly take him long, did it?

Well, you said you'd only known that Greg bloke a couple of months.

So both of you hate being apart so much,

you find comfort with other people.

But Greg's not Max. And she'll never be you.

Still doesn't change the fact that he lied to me.

-Cos he didn't want to lose you.

-Because he's a born liar.

-Because he loves you.

-Cos he's weak.

-Cos he can't live without you!

-All right!

Max is here. That's what matters.

He's made his choice.

Me and Tanya - stronger than that, ain't we?

Going to take more than a silly fling to destroy what we've got.

Hey, how's D?

Superior. Defensive. Same as usual.

You want to try working with her. She has got a voice like a foghorn.

Who yanked your chain?

She's in a kind of funny mood. Kind of...enigmatic.

Babe, you even know what that means?

She has been kind of quiet recently.

Thanks, love.

She needs some fun.

Fun is more trouble than it's worth.

Come on, Zee, you don't mean that, babe.

No wonder she's got a face like a wet flannel,

-knocking about with you all day.

-Hey!

-You OK?

-Yeah. You?

Joey doesn't seem to be taking it too well.

Surprising, considering how he felt about Derek.

Wait, you've seen Joey? Where?!

Did you not know, he's...?

Obviously not.

I don't know, maybe I should talk to him. I lost my mum.

No! No. Well, I mean, you know what he's like.

It'd probably make things worse.

Sorry, it's just family stuff, ain't it?

Babe, I have told you, listen,

you need to keep out of Denise's business.

A double date is a wicked idea!

And I know just the guy.

I tell you what - make it a triple date.

-Mas and myself will come. Make it more of a party.

-See!

When it comes to fun, I knew I could count on you!

But I will find her a date.

Because I know her inside out.

But I'm her sister.

And like I said, I know just the dude.

Hey.

So, you busy tonight?

If you're asking me out, I'm taken.

Well, Max wants us over in the Vic.

Seeing as you've told Phil - thought we could tell them our news.

We haven't even got a ring yet.

Mmm, that's what you think.

Oh, Jack, it's perfect.

Is he all right?

It's hard to tell with him. They're in there.

Kat just let me in.

Look who's here, finally.

Hi.

All right?

Joey's going to live here now.

Oh, are you two OK now, then?

We're just choosing music for Dad's...

Come and help.

Please. I'd really appreciate it.

I tried to call you. A few times.

What about this one?

At least it's...hopeful.

And that's what I'm going to think of when I think of Dad.

Hope. And second chances.

Cos I'm so glad I gave him that.

Yeah.

Not everything's worth a second chance, is it?

Yeah. You're right. Alice, listen, you know where I am. Yeah?

You talking about my dad?

-No, Alice, I didn't mean...

-Yeah, you were.

Why don't you just go somewhere else?

Somewhere you actually want to be. It obviously isn't here, is it?

Oh, look at you two, hard at work.

All work and no play...

You always say that fun's overrated.

No-one pays you to have fun.

See, that is true, Ian. But, Denise, still,

you're hardly an entrepreneur, are you?

You're just selling some groceries on the street.

Anyway! There's a party. At our house.

So don't bother bringing any of your grocery chat.

Since when?

Since when did you ask so many questions?

It's a party, Dee, not a court case.

You need to loosen up.

Hey.

I'm taking a wild stab in the dark here - I'm guessing the answer's no?

No-one's ever going to have what we have. All that history.

But it's just that, Phil - it's the past.

I want something different.

Jack?

No, it's not a choice between you or Jack - it's about what I need.

And I do need something new.

-Phil...

-What do you want me to say, Sharon?

Start arguing with you, go and beat him up or something?

If you're happy, well, then so am I.

I don't have to be your wife to care about you.

Sharon, I said I'm happy for you.

OK? She needs feeding, so it's best you go.

Right. And don't forget - a little bit of butter in there.

-Yeah, I know.

-And not too much milk either.

Just add a little, bit by a little bit.

-I know how to make mashed potato, Mum.

-Do you, now?

-I do.

-Were you taught by the best?

-I was indeed.

-Yeah? Not your father, then.

I heard that. All right?

-Steak.

-Lovely.

-I'm making the mash.

-Really?

-Could you see if Oscar wants juice or milk with his, darling?

-Yeah.

Kirsty's gone.

I know. I called from Spain, to check with Sharon.

You do believe me, don't you?

If you and me had been all right, I would have never even looked at her?

He asked for lager!

Makes a change from whisky, don't it?!

I told Jack we'd meet him and Sharon in the Vic tonight.

We don't have to, if you don't want to.

No. That'll be fine. Let's all go, shall we?

If Lauren ever turns up. Yeah, I'm sure Mum will have Oscar.

It'll be nice, won't it? The whole family all back together again.

Do you want to get Oscar his drink?

Next time I want to distract myself, I'll get the Scrabble out.

You want some ice cream?

Ice cream's full of milk and that's meant to be good for you.

Look, Alice, I know that me and your dad...

-I know how you're feeling.

-How could you?

I'm not being rude but...you and my dad had an affair.

A fling. There's no way you could feel the same as me.

My mum's dead. So I can have a good guess.

I thought I'd never eat again, never laugh again,

thought I couldn't go a minute through the day without her

being the only thing I could think about.

But I did.

I didn't know.

Why would you? I'm just saying, you're not the only one.

Zee, they didn't have that fizzy apple stuff you like,

so I decided to...

Oh. Hi. I thought you said this was a party?

This looks more like...a dinner...

Party! Sit down.

Erm, you look nice.

I believe that's my line.

And this is your chair.

Two men fighting over you. Aren't you lucky, Denise?

Yeah, that's me, innit(?)

Ian, you're such a gentleman!

AJ! Pour Denise some wine!

Of course. Say...when.

Well, this is nice. Friends, neighbours...

And maybe more.

-D... D!

-Oh, sorry - when!

So here's to...

-Denise!

-Denise!

-Denise.

-Cheers.

Are you eating properly? Is she eating?

Kat made us a lovely dinner.

Oh. Didn't think you were the dinner type.

Right. I'll leave you to it.

Yeah. Well, it's up to Alice.

Uh, can you stay?

Yeah, course.

I should've come here first, really, shouldn't I, Lauren?

Cos this is what you do, innit? Soon as you don't get your own way.

Why are you being so nasty?

Cos that's what I do. All right?

I don't mean anything to you, do I?

Keep your voice down, please.

Why? Why? I mean nothing, so then we're nothing.

There's nothing to keep quiet about!

Lauren, will you stop being a brat? Just for once in your life. Please.

You vanished to who knows where, with who knows who. Then you

just blank me like I don't exist and you expect me to just take it.

You just think I should just forget about everything, yeah?

With Derek and everything? Yeah?

Joey, you hated him.

And that don't make it worse, eh?

Thing is, when I'm scared and freaking out,

there's only one person that I want near me.

One person that can make me feel like, you know,

everything's going to be all right.

You obviously don't feel the same.

Walking away from people that you're meant to love?

Messing with their heads? Does that remind you of anyone?

Lauren, I'm warning you. All right?

See, it turns out you're more like him than you thought.

Can I get a drink, please?

-Lauren...

-Excuse me! Can I have a drink, please?

Anyone?

I don't see why I have to come.

She's sick of us already.

Why can't we just stay in? Pubs are boring.

Because me and your dad want to show everyone what a normal,

happy family we are.

Yeah, compared to the Kardashians.

-I understand why you're upset...

-What are you still doing here, then?

You know my mum and dad get back today?

Oi. I'm talking to you!

What do you care? See, no-one cares, do they?

Everyone just goes around, they just do what they want,

they hurt who they want.

And as long as they're happy, that's fine, ain't it?

I love your dad, Lauren.

This messed up situation definitely doesn't make me happy.

So what are you still hanging around for, then?

You ever been in love? I'm not some sleazy home wrecker.

Your dad was single.

It was like any two people who meet each other, and that's it.

Sit down. Go on.

You're a liability, you know that, Lauren?

She's trying to take my dad away.

Yeah? If he wanted her, he'd be with her, wouldn't he, eh?

He wouldn't be able to keep himself away.

I came back here for Alice. All right, Lauren, she needs me.

But you're what I need.

I'll get another one. Won't be a sec.

Come on. Let's go.

Come on.

Babe, I'll see you in there. I just need to buy some...mints.

Yeah, right, Dad(!) Can you get me some "mints" too?

Don't be cheeky.

Get the beers in.

Yeah, I will.

Some things never change, eh?

Thank God for that.

Ray made the apple pie. It's just like me - fruity and juicy.

Crusty?

THEY LAUGH

AJ! Denise needs custard.

No, I don't.

-Ian. Denise prefers cream.

-Does she?

-Oh!

-Sorry!

Look what you've done to her!

I can speak for myself, actually.

That was Ian's fault. Look what you've done to her.

I was just doing what I was told. Again.

-What's that mean?

-Nothing.

Which do you prefer, Denise? Cream or custard?

Denise hates custard!

Oh. I see. Of course. I see. I see.

This is what this "party" is all about.

Setting up the sad old spinster? With the two local desperadoes?

Look, she twisted my arm till my eyes nearly bled.

Ian, even better. And you?

Erm, I-I still think you're...fit.

-Oh, boy...

-And you two make a striking couple.

I don't need you two meddling, OK? I'm fine.

What, like the weather? Who wants to be fine?

-Me!

-We're just trying to make you happy, is that so bad?

-Why couldn't you just leave it?

-I am!

Come on, you were gutted when your kids didn't come home for Christmas.

Yeah, failed relationship after failed relationship.

She just hasn't met the right man yet.

-Like me, she's a magnet for the insane.

-I told you already.

Denise doesn't want you all up in her business.

You don't have to lie to us. How can you possibly be happy?

Enough! Enough! All of you just please, please stop going on.

I agree with you. You're right. I'm a failure.

My life is a big fat joke

so actually we're all agreed, aren't we?

No, Denise, we didn't mean it like that. We just thought...

What are you doing here?

Welcome back.

-I thought you'd gone?

-I've been at a mate's.

No-one wants to be on their own at New Year's, do they?

Missed me?

-Kirsty, what are you doing here?

-We need to talk.

Nah, nah, Tanya's in there. You stay away from me, all right?

-I'm working!

-Do you hear me, Kirsty? Stay away from me!

Think maybe Abi was right about staying in.

Bet you can't wait for everything to get back to normal, can you?

You... Are you kidding?

Dad?

Tanya, I don't want any trouble.

-Max!

-Honestly, babe, I thought she'd gone. She weren't picking up her phone, so I...

-You've been ringing her?

-To make sure she was gone!

-To make sure I stayed.

-What is wrong with you?

-I ain't spoke to her.

-Really? So what was that out there?

You were just telling her to stay away, were you?

-Somewhere I couldn't see you?

-What you talking about?

-I didn't know she was there, did I?

-No?

Make her go, Dad.

Max...

Well, go on. Your wife needs you.

Where is everyone?

Can I get you two a drink?

I don't think that's a good idea.

Well, you've won, that's what you think, innit?

So, let me get you a drink.

-Not now. Please.

-Except all you've won is the embarrassment

of when she comes back to me.

-Oh, is that right?

-Yeah. She always does. You'll see.

Actually, you know what... Let me buy you a drink.

Show there's no hard feelings.

This family, our family,

it's fights, funerals, affairs and fights.

All the time. And I hate it.

And this is all it's ever going to be.

No. Not with you and me, Lauren. Hey. We can be happy.

I promise.

What?

This is where I need to be.

DOOR SLAMS

Tan, just listen to me, will you? Please!

The joke is, it's all true.

My kids ain't bothered.

I've no career...

..and as for men!

Apart from a bunk-up with a fella half me age...

What if this is it for me?

No wonder you lot pity me - so do I!

What?

Pity you? You're strong.

Yeah?

Look at this.

It's a visiting order from Lucas.

The man's poison.

And I'm so weak that I was actually considering going.

Because I thought at least he loved me...

..once.

Yeah. But you didn't.

And that's because you're strong. You're funny.

Sexy.

You saw those guys in there, they couldn't keep their eyes off you.

And neither could I.

Ray! >

It's grief, Lauren.

It is!

Someone close to you dies and even the sanest person can lose the plot.

'Yeah, but Derek weren't close to no-one.'

'Well, yeah. That's even worse, isn't it?

'Cos the thing about death is there's no going back.'

'State the obvious, Mum.'

'Well, it haunts you, don't it?

'All the things you wish you'd said and now you never get the chance.

'Everything you wish you'd done differently, now you can't.'

No, took me a good month and a half

and a self-help book before I could even eat again.

The only thing I remember about my dad's funeral is that I was there.

Yeah, but you liked your dad.

Not about "like," is it?

Family's family, Lauren. No. Poor Joey.

Not going to know his ear from his elbow, is he?

Thing is, if you love your fella, then...

..you've just got to lead by example, haven't you?

Protect them.

Stand by them, never mind what anyone else says.

Are we doing this funeral washing or what?

Yes. Put the blouse in separately. DON'T put it in the dryer. Hurry up then.

TANYA SIGHS

Get up.

-TV:

-'See? What a bonus!'

-Get your suit on, Joey.

-TV CLICKS OFF

Get lost.

-Just get up, will you!

-Get up.

-What you doing?

-Oi!

Ain't a request.

-It's Derek's funeral.

-Yeah, and we owe him.

-Do we?

Yeah, well, the least us four can do for your father today is be there for him, right?...

-KAT:

-Yeah.

That hearse rolls up, you'll be stood on the doorstep. Respectful.

Mm. Yeah, well, thanks for the offer and everything,

but I ain't got a clean shirt.

Yeah, well, you ain't got a choice.

Cheers.

DOOR SLAMS

-TV:

-'And the other great thing about this...'

Do you know what? I am not having you making a show. Not today.

Fighting over my silly little bald brother.

You can't expect Max to make a choice right now.

Every night he's in Tanya's bed, he's "choosing."

Every dinner at her table. Every single time he goes home.

He needs time to get his head straight.

CAROL SIGHS

Ever since Derek died -

on the pavement, in front of Max's eyes -

YOU have hung around, waving your wedding ring

and you still haven't got lucky, have you?

Ain't I?

Right, that is enough, all right?

Now Max might be too soft in the head, too cut up.

But this is you and me. Here. Now.

Now, this is my family together.

And this is Derek's day. Derek's funeral.

And you, Kirsty, you didn't even like him.

And, I tell you what, I won't have you wreck it.

I KNOW Max loves me.

CAROL SCOFFS

Ha!

Prove it. Yeah.

Tell him... Tell him that you're going away.

Today. That you're leaving.

I'm not going to kick off down the crem, Carol.

-It's his brother's funeral.

-Yeah, and if Max loves you,

you'll actually get an invite, won't you?

Cos he won't want to be parted from you.

So tell him, now, that you're leaving.

That is mental.

What? As mental as stalking a husband?

I ain't "stalking"

You're sitting around, waiting like a prize wallflower.

Where's your pride, Kirsty?

Cos if he loves you, he'll choose you.

All right, you've cracked it.

You know, re-decorate the bedroom. I mean, how can Tanya argue with that?

But when he finally, finally tells you to get lost -

when he finally lays his cards on the table in clear little words -

you leave. Today. No contact. Nothing.

And you do not, Kirsty, come to Derek's funeral.

Fine.

Good.

You're clearly grief-stricken.

Your plate's in the post.

That was a mistake.

Been proved to relieve stress, cornflakes have.

Very healing.

-Yeah?

-Yeah. And, you know, a day like today, Alice,

you are going to need your energy and your vitamin B, OK?

Sorry.

Thank you.

Sorry, I-I can't eat.

I know.

I know, it's hard, ain't it? But...

you have a little crunch, yeah? For me?

I'm meant to be...

We still haven't got music for the...

I can't bring myself to go in his bedroom.

And Joey won't come, even though Uncle Jack said,

and Mum won't be there.

ALICE SIGHS TEARFULLY

All Dad ever wanted was his family

and, even today, he won't have his family...

I know.

Look, come on. With me, yeah?

ALICE TAKES A JAGGED BREATH

SHE EXHALES

That's it.

THEY BREATHE TOGETHER

Yeah.

Yeah. Good girl.

Every time I open my eyes, tears just come out.

I can't understand how everyone walks around not crying.

It's like I've got a leak.

No. No, listen to me, right? You have not got a leak.

Has she, Kat, eh?

I keep thinking...

he's going to walk through the door...

and give me a hug.

I know... It-It's denial, Alice...

Stage one...

It's all 100% normal, OK? It is.

I had a look online for you.

"Stages of grief," it's called -

anger, shock, loneliness, hope.

It's just all part of the process, darling.

He's not coming back.

There isn't any hope.

No, no. No.

ALICE SOBS

You miserable, selfish little prat.

MOBILE CHIMES

Oh. Whatever!

Hissy fit, what a surprise(!)

You know what, Lucy? You want to do your prima donna thing,

then you do it.

See if I care. You know what?

When I first met you, I knew you were stuck-up.

Joey...is just a bloke.

He's just one more bloke

and you weren't even seeing him, Lucy, so...

What happened to mates, eh?

You might not want to hear this, but I'm probably the best mate you'll ever get.

LUCY SIGHS

Sorry.

I'm really sorry, Lucy.

No.

You're right.

You're right.

I really don't want to hear a word of it.

GLASS CLINKS

HE SNIFFS

You kicked this one off, Kat, so why don't you tell me, eh? Eh?

How is it, the moment some... some vicious, messed-up little control freak dies,

-that suddenly everyone loves him, eh?

-He's not the point right now.

I got you staging your little intervention here, ain't I?

Got the uncles giving it all the Branning. I got Carol...

Listen to this, right, Carol, wants me to do a speech with the coffin...

How about that?

So what are going for here?

Waiting outside the pub for four hours the day Derek got released out the nick?

Visiting me mum in hospital when he broke her collarbone?

-You don't need...

-Or how about this. How about this, eh?

How about him throwing the jam sandwiches for the one birthday

he ever bothered rolling up to in the washing up bowl in front of my mates?

I mean, that's what paints the man, innit? That's what paints the man.

Seven years old, I was! Seven years old.

Oh, get your head out your backside, will ya?

You've got yourself in such an habit of hating him that you like it.

Right.

Yeah, well it weren't me who said to leave him, was it?

You don't feel guilty about how your dad died? I envy you!

You don't think you owe him anything? That's your call.

But, sure as hell, you are not the only one that man screwed over.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, you know, that was sort of your fault, weren't it?

My choice. I got involved. I take the consequences.

But you are not seven years old.

And you're not the only one that was dealt a bad hand as a kid.

That how it worked, eh?

Derek play Daddy with you an' all, did he?

You've got a little sister.

An innocent, lonely, gutted little sister. Step up!

My sister is nothing to do with you.

Oh, grow up, will ya? She trusts you, don't she?

She trusts YOU.

All right.

Word to the wise -

you chuck that and you don't get it back.

Have you got to have everything that I have?

I mean, are you so jealous

that you just have to go through your life copying me?

Yeah. Yes, that's it, Lucy(!)

"Oh, no. No. Don't call Joey,

"because his daddy's died and he needs time and he needs his family."

I mean, I don't know if you've noticed, Lauren,

but that little boyfriend of yours, he is your family, OK?

You know what? I think I liked it better when you weren't talking.

-Yeah, well, I'm not talking.

-LAUREN SCOFFS

If it's any consolation, it doesn't exactly feel right.

Good!

You don't want him back, do you?

It's just...

..he's so strung out.

It's too much.

I mean, what are you meant to say to your cousin

that's dumped you and now he's come back?

You can't exactly say it's getting back to normal.

SHE SIGHS

And now his dad's died.

And my mum keeps going on about how you should be standing by your man

like some stupid country and western song.

I mean, I feel like I can't breathe, Lucy.

I DON'T want him back.

I love him.

I do.

I think.

No. I do! I obv...!

Obviously, I do love him. It's just...

There's more...

Lucy, it's complicated.

Lauren, how much more complicated can this get?

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

I promised I wouldn't say...

OK. You can't tell anyone.

It was me.

I crashed Derek's car.

-So why did...?

-Joey stepped up.

I didn't tell him to.

No-one made him.

He just... He told the police that...

he took his eyes off the road, I don't know.

Why?

Lauren.

You are SO stupid. Are you...? Seriously?

It was just like one drink and that ain't even the point...

See it doesn't even matter how I feel now, Lucy.

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

Even if I did actually know...

As long as Joey wants me...

You know.

I mean, you can't dump someone

that's facing court for you, can you?

You stupid alcoholic!

Like... How fair...?

You know... OK.

You know that you don't deserve him. At all.

Lauren, you could have killed Joey!

Shut up!

He tries to rescue you and he takes the flack for you.

And you just...

You don't even have the decency to try and straighten things out?

Has it not run through your head to go down to the police station

and be honest?

Yeah, course it has. I did!

-I did go down...!

-No, Lauren.

Because you're just sitting here on the day of his dad's funeral.

And you just sit and you whinge...

about how it's unfair on you and how it's "too much" for you.

Poor little Lauren.

I do have a criminal record, you know, Lucy.

You don't love him.

I do.

No, you don't.

And that's your answer, Lauren - you don't love him.

You... You're not even there.

You haven't been there.

And you...

The only person you seem to care about

is the person facing you back in the mirror.

And the only bottle you have, Lauren,

is the one stashed under your bed!

Where are you going? No...

-No, don't tell them, please.

-Do you know what...?

I'm only going pick the washing up.

Yeah. I know. Yeah, course. Yeah.

So go and do it. Yeah.

..on this meditation CD...

.."Mindfulness," it's called.

And all them bad thoughts, right?

You just let them float past you like little clouds.

Anyway, it doesn't mean that it don't still hurt

that your sister's a lying...

well, cow-bag, really,

but it does mean that you can get through a pedicure

without stabbing yourself with the nailfile.

Little clouds.

Little clouds.

Alice, if you want me to get the music for the funeral...

No...

No.

Oh.

JOEY SIGHS

I, um....

I ain't got a clean shirt.

You're coming?

Yeah, yeah. Well...

I was going to borrow one of these but...

HE SIGHS

..it sort of creeps me out a bit, you know?

You're coming!

SHE SNIFFS Ooh!

Don't cry.

Oh, it's all right, darling. I've got something in my eye.

It really looks like you both.

I'll take it with me.

Er, can you go and tell Tiff to go and find her swimming costume?

Because Karen'll be here for you both in a minute.

-JACK:

-Listen, call me if you need anything, yeah? Bye.

-That was Dot.

-Mm?

-She's staying put.

Right.

Dad's really upset.

She thinks he knows now -

You know, he was putting his...

He was putting his hands together, praying.

Yeah, that or clapping.

Carol! Come on, it's never good to bury your own kid, is it?

No.

D'you think they made up, Jack?

I mean, whenever I asked Dad,

he'd just do that thing with his eyes.

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

Yeah, I mean, all them Sunday visits...

..Dot and Derek, in his clean shirt.

Derek giving it the large from the end of the bed -

the big "I am."

SHE CHUCKLES

Dad sitting there, hostage in his own duvet...

THEY LAUGH

Yeah, course they made up.

Dad didn't stand a chance, did he?

Poor little kid.

Clean shirt. Shiny shoes.

"Don't get caught eating the jam out of the jar

"cos Mum'll blame Dad and Dad'll make you neck the lot in one go."

Different time back then, weren't it? Just different ways...

Not everybody fought like a cat and dog though, Jack.

He was just a little kid, weren't he?

Stuck in the middle, always coming up to scratch.

You know that Dad knocked Derek about, don't you?

Yeah, I know. He told me.

It was a long time ago, Carol, all right? It's done now.

He was obsessed, weren't he? About that head of the table thing?

Yes, I know. I'm not going to ruin today.

Nothing is going to ruin today. I'm just saying, that's all.

It wasn't Max that Derek was trying to prove himself to.

Max!

Please.

All right, fine.

-"Fine"?

-Yeah good.

It's not like I've given you hope, is it?

I've not set you up in a flat and kicked the whole thing off again.

You just sussed out I didn't have anyone.

Hang about and boost your ego.

You just give me this ring and a whole lot of fake words and I...

I can't get it off, Max!

Babe, I'm sorry, all right? You know I'm sorry.

SHE CRIES SOFTLY

Come here.

Don't touch me!

Can I at least pay for your train fare?

I hate you! I hate you!

Grief or no grief, if he's letting her bend his ear about lifts,

and I swear I'll swing for her...

What are we even meant to wear?

Your father is letting that Kirsty sweet-talk him

with her sympathy sandwiches.

Well I tell you what, Abs, it's no more patient and understanding.

I'm going to knock some sense into her, funeral or no funeral.

Max? Lauren?

No, no, no!

She's shrunk my blouse. Lauren has shrunk my blouse!

CAROL: There's the flowers.

Carol, this was on the floor.

Oh, cheers.

Oh! The order of service!

-I forgot to get the order of service from the printers.

-It's all right.

-I knew I'd forget something!

-Listen, it's all right.

-We'll go and get it.

-Yeah?

-Come with me, Liam.

We'll just meet you there, yeah?

I love a proper funeral.

Get to my age...

you become quite the connoisseur.

Bit of dignity, bit of gravitas, that's what's called for.

Though I dare say Derek would have opted for the traditional horses

and black feathers wotsit.

I daresay.

But I think he'd be satisfied with the turnout.

I think he'd be quietly pleased, God bless him.

-Mum, I look ridiculous!

-Oh, dear.

I can't get a signal.

Lauren. Where the hell are you?!

Come on.

Lauren's down the police station.

Wha...?

Oh, come on, Max.

For once in your life...

MOBILE RINGS

-He's with her.

-What? No, don't be stupid. Just try him again.

How hard, Abs? How hard have I got to try?

It's Uncle Derek's funeral.

Lauren's down the police station, God knows why,

last thing I need is a paranoid mum!

MOBILE RINGS

I can hear a phone. Can you hear a phone?

There's hundreds of phones in Walford, Abs.

No, no, no, I can hear Dad's phone!

I love him, Lucy. I do! I'm completely in love with him.

I only said that stuff to make you feel better.

Lucy, Lucy, listen to me, right, you cannot prove anything!

So if you go in there, I...

We will both just say that you're lying.

Caught me.

Have you got heating in this car?

I hope someone's keeping their eye on the time.

Where are they all?

Joey, Joey, come here.

-DOOR SLAMS

-Carol, look, whatever you've forgotten, it'll keep. Carol?

HE SIGHS

Look, all we need to do is be there for Derek now, like you said.

Abi!

What's the hold-up?

I don't know. Lauren's having some sort of drama.

Another one?

Well, you could borrow Whitney's.

Yeah, I'm sure it's just been a mix-up, darling.

Oh, yeah. Lauren and Lucy. And a police mix-up.

Right, I'm going to have to go, Al. But I'll be back, don't worry.

-Oh, Joey, promise me?

-(All right.)

-Fatboy can drive.

-Whatever, mate. Trust me, won't you?

Everything is about you, isn't it, Lauren?

I mean, you sit on your backside doing nothing all day,

just drinking your pocket money...

I don't have to listen to this!

You have no idea!

Getting up when it is still dark, falling asleep over the accounts...

Look, I wake up every morning still and I don't know

if my dad's going to be there.

Lauren, the one thing that I had to hang on to is that...

I don't know, maybe once I get my head straight...

He's not just a bloke, Lauren.

What?

You said... you said you didn't want Joey back.

Yeah, and you said you were my friend!

Lucy, please. Please, please don't wreck my whole life.

You said you were my best friend.

Carol, will you put your coat on, please, and do that later?

Will you just shut up!

SHE DIALS A NUMBER

'I'm sorry. The number you have dialled has been disconnected.'

BLEEP

I thought you were with her, you know?

Yeah, I was.

But it's fine. She's gone.

Good.

-Look, Carol had a word with her an' all.

-Oh, right, Carol did?

Yeah. What was she sticking her nose in for? I was always going to tell her to go.

-Don't need Carol forcing my hand.

-Oh, don't you?

Did you think I was going to spend my life biting my tongue?

None of us know how long we've got, Max. Ain't it about time that sunk in?

Our daughter is down the police station.

If you ask me, Carol wants thanking, not bad-mouthing. I mean,

you give a woman like Kirsty the tiniest bit of hope, right,

the slightest bit of encouragement,

and we are talking bunny boiler here, they never leave.

Babe, all I gave her was her train fare home.

Good. Finally.

Maybe you give your wife a divorce and you and me

could do more than just sleep in the same bed.

-Will you two hurry up!

-No, I can't. Lauren's at the police station.

Joey's gone. He'll sort it.

Can't you let Lauren just stand on her own two feet for once? I have to be there.

Do what you want. I'm going to find Jack.

Uncle Derek cannot be late for his own funeral, Mum.

See, even today, even today that man is pulling your father's strings

like he's some sort of puppet.

Right, we'll ring her in the car. Come on, we'll ring her in the car.

Alice, you will be all right.

A friend of mine once told me that

the trick with funerals is to take one step at a time.

You're so kind.

No...

Dad knew you were kind.

Alice, you really...

That's it, right?

All else fails, you take a sniff of the lavender oil, yeah?

Good girl.

At last.

If your beau gets a wriggle on, we'll nearly have a full house.

Perhaps they're having a couple of private minutes together,

brother and sister.

It's traditional to follow the hearse at five miles an hour.

If Jack walks fast, he can catch us up.

Oh, come on. Drive on, eh?

MOBILE RINGS

Carol, do me a favour. Can you deal with this later, please?

How could he do that? Have you seen the date on this?

Not to tell me. I mean, how could he?

He knew how I felt. And Bianca. And the kids.

David needed my help. He virtually begs!

Do you know what kind of state he must be in to write this?

Listen, we're going to leave the house now!

Get off! All the times that I forgave Derek.

All the allowances and the second chances. Poor little kid(!)

Poor little kid, my eye! He was a spiteful bully.

I mean, Derek got off on throwing his weight around, didn't he?

I mean, seriously, Jack. Was there something mentally wrong with him?

Yes, all right. Quite probably, Carol. It's quite probable, innit?

But we can't go back, can we?

And wishing it was any different -

we only get one shot at it, don't we?

I can't forgive him for this. I can't. I'm not coming.

-You're not coming?

-No.

Right, fine. That's your choice.

Just remember. Regret ain't just a word, is it?

DOOR SLAMS

Everything all right, Jay?

Yeah.

Er, a small tea, please?

Cheers.

CAR HORN BLARES

Could try reversing, bruv.

-Going down one of the one-ways if you want.

-No. No.

No? OK. Do you want a mint?

-Here, man, you could have a mint.

-I can drive myself.

All right. It's OK, brother. Chill out. It's not a problem.

I like a good conversation.

I'm not saying I expect a conversation, you know.

On a day like today. Your mind's in other places and that.

And we don't want another crash, do we, so...

You know, if you was Mo Farah, you could sprint that.

So, why do you think Lauren's gone to the police station?

Not that it's any of my business, you know.

On a day like today.

Brother, the amount of times I've wished my dad dead.

Not really dead, obviously, you know.

There is a big difference between wishing it

and wanting it, ain't there?

But my dad, man, he's a wreck.

You know, I don't care what my life turns into

as long as I don't turn into him.

I texted him at Christmas, you know.

Poppy made me so I texted him at Christmas.

She's got the family and the socks and the cake and that.

And I thought maybe, just maybe I could have a slice of that.

Cos I think that she could be it, you know?

I think that she could be... Do you get what I'm saying?

I mean, how could he not want to meet her?

You cannot not like her if you meet her.

I mean, he might not be bothered about

me, but you'd go the extra mile for Poppy, man!

You know, you'd climb a mountain, bruv.

You'd brave the burning building.

You'd meet me halfway at least for a slice of pizza or something.

But no. Nothing. No reply.

Man didn't even text back.

-You all right, mate?

-Hm.

You didn't choke on a mint, did you?

I owe him. I owe him.

OK. Joey?

Oh, OK.

MUSIC: "My Way" By Frank Sinatra

# And now the end is here

# And so I face the final curtain

# My friend, I'll say it clear

# I'll state my case Of which I'm certain

# I've lived a life that's full

# I travelled each and every highway

# And more Much more than this

# I did it my way... #

Please be seated.

Where is she? Where's Nan?

Where've you been?

He'll be here, all right?

And thank you for coming here today

to say goodbye to a loving father, brother and son.

Derek Branning.

Lauren!

Is that what you think of me?

What, do you think I ain't honest?

Listen to me, all right? I know I don't say... I have...

I have missed you every single day.

I'm not even a mate. That's what she said.

Let alone good enough to be with you.

Every day, Lauren.

I'm a drunk, Joey. That's what she reckons.

Always looking for something to take the edge off.

-Do you think I'm a drunk?

-No.

No, no, I'm not. OK, it was...one drink!

It weren't like I was smashed, was it?

And yes, I know I risked us both but...your dad's right.

I shouldn't even be allowed out. We shouldn't be together.

You think it too, don't you?

Lauren, he saved you! He saved you, Lauren. And me.

When it came down to it, Lauren, he stepped up for us, didn't he, eh?

Yeah, he gloated. He used it.

But he risked everything.

Everything for us...

like a dad.

Lauren...

he was more of a man than I ever thought.

Don't... Don't go. Don't go in there.

Please.

Please, Lauren.

Not today.

I can't say goodbye to you an' all.

There we go.

To bad rubbish.

-Bad rubbish.

-Hm.

Aaaaahhh...

Feels good, that feels good. I feel good.

I feel happy, you know, like when the doctor gave you those pills.

-No. My doc didn't give me no pills.

-Medication, yes.

I feel good, you know.

I don't know, no more of them relationship conversations.

You know, or going through your wife's knicker drawer

looking for clues.

No. No, no, no. I'm happy now.

I'm in a good place now, you see. That's where I'm at.

Cos I'm uncomplicatedly happy with an uncomplicatedly lovely girl.

Alfie, uncomplicatedly, right, it ain't a word.

Let me stop you right there.

Cos jealousy is a very destructive emotion, young man.

Look at me, look. I'm living proof.

Look how happy I am. Living proof, eh?

Will you stop it with the self-satisfied smug grin?

Listen, mate, it's only a matter of time

till another Mrs Beale comes through...

What number is it again?

Mrs Beale, we are looking for... it's got to be number 87.

Number 87, come through that door right now. Yeah.

No. No, no, no.

Even better though, I've got a beautiful blonde girl who can

introduce you to her beautiful blonde sister.

I think you already know her, don't you?

-She's off her nut and banged up somewhere.

-HE CHUCKLES

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

-Mm!

Cheers, mate.

What, your horse come last, did it?

What have I told you about throwing your money away, son?

You on your own?

Yeah. Yeah. Abi's, uh... Well, it's the funeral and that, innit?

Right.

Derek's a pillock anyway. Abs don't need me there stating the obvious.

Tell me about it. He's a grade one, ain't he?

I ain't applied for any of them.

Care assistant? Means night shifts.

I can't apply for any of them,

cos I ain't got the NVQ, whatever that is.

Well, I didn't really have you down

as the sensitive bum-wiping type, really.

What?

Well, you... With your house, and your business,

and all your other stuff.

What? You pay off your mortgage and your memory gets wiped?

You think being broke only happens somewhere else?

Do I look like I can afford a sensitive side?

Do you want a bit of dinner?

Marie, do us a favour, get him a bit of dinner, will ya?

No, I'm all right, thanks, I'm all right.

You've had Lexi to sort, ain't you?

And I ain't actually your son, am I?

So, it's all right, something will turn up.

I can sort my own dinner, thanks.

Jay.

Do you want your old job back?

Well, yeah.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days

of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

Amen.

ALL: Amen.

And now, a few personal words from Derek's sister, Carol.

OK. How about Joey?

No? Well, erm, that's...

So, if no-one has any readings, a few words...

Poem?

Mum!

Mum! What are you doing? Sit down.

Someone's got to speak up for him.

Derek Branning was an obnoxious, difficult, pig-headed little man.

Yeah! He was!

I'd have cheerfully swung for him this Christmas.

One of those people it's best knowing at a distance.

Close up, they give you a headache.

That's all well and good, but it's got to be lonely, ain't it?

The thing about Derek was he knew...

..he knew what he stood for

and he had the courage to say his piece and be damned.

Which as a matter of fact he often was, really, wasn't he?

Come on, all you lot had a pop. Don't be shy.

Put your hand up, anyone here ain't fell out with Derek Branning.

'One thing we can't argue about, he touched all our lives.

'Made an impact.

'You know there was a time

'when the East End was full of men like that.

'Proper East End gents like Derek.'

Men in their prime. Men getting involved. Principles.

Loyalty.

Guidance, like it or lump it.

Yeah.

You can call that arrogance if you like.

Sexist.

I call it manners.

Arm across the road and a nice little drop of malt whisky.

Just like our dads.

Protecting his nearest and dearest.

And he did love you, Alice. More than words can say.

'Ten years.

'A decade. That's a long time.

'Missing out at Her Majesty's Pleasure. Locked out.'

Everyone carrying on without you.

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

You know, Derek told me he kept going all those years, ten years.

He hoped that one day he'd get a chance to make it up to you all.

Derek shouted so much cos he wanted someone to give a monkey's.

He wanted to be at the head of your table, Max.

Because he wanted to be part of it.

He wanted to be at the centre.

Derek Branning.

Loud, sentimental, old-fashioned fool.

He wanted his family to respect him and love him.

He wanted to be at the heart of it.

And at last...

..just for a moment...

..they're all here for you, Derek.

They're all gathered round.

Please stand.

We now commit Derek's body to be cremated. Earth to earth,

ashes to ashes,

dust to dust.

In the sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life.

MUSIC: "That's Life" By Frank Sinatra

# That's life

# That's life

# That's what all the people say

# You're riding high in April

# Shot down in May

# But I know I'm gonna change that tune... #

Joey...

# When I'm back on top

# Back on top in June

# I said that's life

# That's life

# And as funny as it may seem

# Some people get their kicks

# Stomping on a dream

# But I don't let it get me down... #

You said she was gone!

# Cos this fine old world

# It keeps spinning around... #

JOEY SOBS

Joey, it's OK. Joey, come on, breathe with me.

It's OK. It's going to be all right.

It's going to get easier... apparently.

Come on, it's OK. He loved you.

And he knew that you loved him, really. It's all right.

-You made it, Joey, you were there. At the funeral, you made it.

-No!

-It's OK.

-No!

No. I let him die. I let him die!

HE SOBS VIOLENTLY

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd