13/01/2013 EastEnders Omnibus

You all right, Joey?

Wakey-wakey, mate. Rise and shine.

Morning, Joey. You all right?

Mmm.

You're due in court at half nine.

You need to go home, mate. Get dressed.

I've had your suit dry-cleaned.

Joe, I'm going to come and get you in one hour. I'll take you there.

-No, it's all right. I'll just go by myself.

-Don't be stupid. It's the least I can do.

Get a wiggle on, yeah?

HE GROANS

Babe, what do you fancy for dinner?

I...I wasn't snooping. It just fell out.

HE SIGHS

I was supposed to give that to you tonight.

Well, go on, open it.

Oh, my gosh. I don't know what to say.

I mean, I do, obviously.

Look, I could always take it back if you don't...

No, I want it! Course I want it!

SHE GIGGLES

You don't like it?

No...I love it.

It's...um... It's beautiful.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Thanks, babe.

It's lovely.

Glad you like it.

I love it.

Sorry, I'm just...

Sorry.

I'll give you some cash for the bills when I can.

It doesn't matter.

It might not now, but it will do. Here.

There's 20 quid here, I'll give you some more when I've got it. Here, darling.

-FRONT DOOR OPENS

-You all right?

Right. Better get Tommy to playgroup.

See you later.

I've...um...got to get ready for court. You still coming, yeah?

No. No, course not.

How long was Dad lying there?

How long was it...

..him dying and you not helping?

Was he in pain?

Did he ask for you?

JOEY SIGHS

Why didn't you do something?

I don't know. I didn't know what to do. All right?

Look, we thought it was a trick. We thought it was just...

We? Who else was there?

No...No-one, Alice. No, it was just me.

That police officer that came round...

She wanted to talk to everyone that was there. Everyone.

Plural.

If it was just you, she'd have said.

Yeah, well, maybe... maybe she just got it wrong.

How about I ask her?

I've got her number here somewhere.

Here.

It weren't just me.

Who was it, then?

Hey, Denise, you keep acting the way you are and Kim's going to know something's up.

I can't help it! Don't you feel guilty? It's doing my head in.

We had too much to drink! It didn't mean anything.

Listen, you need to pull yourself together.

Yes, but Kim and me, we don't keep secrets. Not this kind.

I ain't slept in days. I'm...

So you want to tell her to make yourself feel better? Hmm?

It was a mistake.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Yeah. Yeah, a big mistake.

You know what? You ain't my type, OK? Trust me.

Listen, you tell Kim, and you'll hurt her.

I'm not going to do that. Are you?

SHE SIGHS

Oh! Oh, yes.

This is amazing.

I love it.

Yes. You see?

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach!

So next time Rashid comes over, I will cook.

-That'll give you time to talk to each other.

-Shouldn't I be the one cooking?

-Ah, show him what a good wife you'd make?

-Isn't that a bit old-fashioned?

It is an excellent idea, Masood. In fact,

-we should have a practice run.

-We should, definitely.

-No time like the present. How about tonight?

-I'd love to.

Oh, marvellous. You know, your mum made a lovely vegetable biryani

and her lamb jalfrezi was to die for.

OK, you are making that.

-You make that too?

-I do. But not as good as your mum's.

In fact, I cannot wait to try yours.

Cos I bet you that she has taught you everything she knows.

We're closed, mate. Be open a bit later, yeah?

All right? You ready?

You all right, Joey?

Where's your tie?

Mate, you can't stand in front of the judge without a tie. Go on. Sort one out.

JOEY SIGHS

How you doing? You all right?

-I keep thinking about Dad.

-Alice, honestly, babe, you're better off not thinking about it.

The thing is, Joey told me that he was there,

and you and Jack and Kat, watching him die.

Alice, we walked out and he was already down. It was all over.

-Joey said...

-Don't listen to Joey - his head's all over the place.

I swear to you, Alice, all right, he was already dead. I swear.

DOORBELL RINGS

It's all right, I'll go.

-Why didn't you wait for me?

-Cos it's better if you stay at home.

Better for who?

-Can't go to court with a guilty conscience, can you?

-He's right, Lauren. Just stay here.

-But I want to come with you.

-No, honestly, babe. I don't want any distractions today.

It'll be fine. I'll keep an eye on him.

-OK. Well, will you call me as soon as you know anything?

-Yes, course.

Good luck.

-Right, let's go.

-Yeah.

Well, I'm going to be going, then, Al.

Alice?

-I wondered if you had any spare shifts going?

-Yeah, I can do anything. I'm not fussy.

Oh!

Oh, I can't do nights. Sorry.

No, it has to be in the day. What about lunch shifts?

Is it all right if I leave my number? Yeah. It's 079...

-PHONE CUTS OUT

-Oh!

Well, let us know if you hear anything, yeah? Cheers.

I bagsy it!

What?

I saw it first.

Excuse me! You just dropped this.

-Oh, I didn't think I had a tenner.

-It dropped out your back pocket.

Oh. Right. Thanks.

You're welcome...?

-Abi.

-Dexter.

Right, well, thanks.

My pleasure, Abi.

I know you're worried about Joey but he's got a good brief.

I reckon he'll get off this one.

Alice, what's the matter?

SHE SIGHS

Joey told me something at Dad's funeral.

He said that Dad died begging for help

and that you were there too.

Is it true?

He was a hideous little man. I still can't believe it

about him and Kat Moon. Imagine, kissing and...

Are you actually going to do some work today or are you just going to stand there slagging off the dead?

-I am not slagging off...

-All right, then - gossiping.

Last time I checked, that weren't in your job description. Stock-taking, however, is.

-Soft drinks.

-Whatever.

PATRICK HUMS TO HIMSELF

-Patrick, you got a minute?

-Yeah.

I need a word. In private.

Could you meet me in the caff later?

What's wrong with home?

I'll explain later. Ten minutes, yeah?

Yeah.

I just need someone to be honest with me.

Tell me the truth, please. Please, Jack.

It just happened so quickly.

I didn't know what to do. I just froze.

I couldn't move.

Then it was too late.

I can't stop thinking about it.

If I'd got there quicker, if I'd helped him...

But the truth is, Alice, he had a massive heart attack.

There was nothing anyone could do. It was over in seconds.

-You could have gone over to him and been there for him.

-I know.

I've got to live with that.

And I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

JACK SIGHS

He was my brother, Alice, my big brother. And he's gone,

and I did nothing.

< Oh, no! No, no, no, no!

-What's going on?

-Agh!

-What is it? What are you doing? What are you doing?

-Put it down.

-I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

-It's OK, it's all right, don't worry. I'll take care of it.

I can't do it! I can't do it! I've never cooked a thing in my life.

-I thought Aunty Ji was going to teach us.

-I thought your mother taught you how to cook?

No, she wouldn't let us near the kitchen.

Said I was a disaster.

Well... HE CHUCKLES

OK, look, I'll call Zainab, I'll explain.

No, she's going to think I'm hopeless. I have to cook.

A good wife cooks!

Uh...do you want me to help you?

You can cook?!

Oh! Well, I'm no expert,

but, you know, I've watched Zainab do it enough times.

Oh, thank you! Thank you.

OK, all right, OK, look,

-maybe you should thank me after you've tasted the cooking, all right?

-All right.

What? Ray kissed you?

It was...too much wine.

It was just a mistake.

You can say that again. Does Kim know?

She's going to go absolutely mad.

Well, you can't tell her, then.

Oh, come on, Patrick, I've got to. What if she found out?

How's she going to do that? Anybody saw you?

-No, but that's hardly...

-OK.

Well, then, keep it to yourself.

Do what the young people say. "Suck it up."

Oi, oi, oi, man, I tell you,

if Kim finds out, God help us all.

-Hello, again.

-Oh, are you stalking me?

I'm telling you. What, you didn't know? Coffee, please, love.

Do you want to sit with us? Jay was just going.

Uh, no, I wasn't.

Well, you said you had a carburettor to do before two

and now that Phil's given you your job back, you don't want to keep him waiting.

I had a fiver...

Oh, it's OK, I'll get it.

No, that's really kind, but you don't have to, seriously.

No, you help me, I help you.

Here.

I'm only borrowing it, all right?

-Abi, you're meant to be revising.

-Yeah, I'm taking a break.

How about I help you? Make sure you're not skiving?

Biology?

Yeah, would you? I got an exam on Thursday.

I'm happy to help.

You can go, I got it covered, you know.

See you later.

So it's any of the questions from that section.

All right.

"Why does blood glucose rise after a long period without food?"

Oh. Oh, this is tricky.

-Um... I do know it, though.

-BOTH LAUGH

Um...

-You really interested, Kat? It's only a cleaning job.

-Yeah,

but I've got to support me and Tommy now, ain't I?

Tell you the truth, I'll do anything that pays,

and I don't mind grafting.

CLATTERING

-Sorry. Sorry, Sharon.

-That's all right.

I heard you was looking for a cleaner?

-I thought you was working at Booty?

-Oh, yeah, slave labour over there, ain't it?

I need a proper job, you know.

I'm local, and I got experience.

And you're...well, nearly family now, ain't ya? Sort of.

-Well, the thing is, you're not the only one who's interested.

-Am I too late?

All right, Bianca?

Look, the toilets still need cleaning,

but I've only got one job.

So why don't you both do a trial and I'll pay the going rate, yeah? Follow me.

-Salt. Definitely more salt.

-But the recipe said half a teaspoon.

Oh, forget the recipe. The recipe's just a guide.

You've got to figure out what you want, what you like

and what your taste is.

-Mmm.

-Yeah?

-Mmm.

So...you seem to know what makes a good wife.

Tell me, what makes a good husband?

Um...stability.

-Yeah.

-Prospects.

-Mmm.

A good family?

Really? I mean, really? That's what you want?

I...I don't know.

Well, maybe it's time you started thinking about it, hmm?

Me, I just wanted someone who could make me laugh.

Dry roasted, yeah?

Alice! Alice, have you heard anything?

-Has Joey called you, or...?

-No news is good news.

Yeah. Yeah. How do you do it, eh?

Wish I could be more like you. You're so calm.

Have you seen Kat?

No, not today.

Why don't you stay for a while, eh?

-We'll have a drink or something?

-Sorry, I'm busy.

Bit of a comedown, though, ain't it?

-Going from queen of the Vic to R&R cleaning lady.

-Well, beggars can't be choosers, can they?

I reckon beggars get more than I do.

Least it's cash in hand.

You know what, I can't believe it about you and my Uncle Derek.

It's a bit of a turn up, ain't it? I mean,

I thought you and Alfie would be together forever.

Each to their own, though, I suppose...

if Derek's what did it for you.

Me and the kids always had a soft spot for him.

He knew how to spoil 'em, didn't he?

Is that what he done for you? Spoilt you?

Well, you know Derek.

He liked to spoil everything. That one's done.

Yeah, done that one and all. It's not too bad, is it?

I could get quite get into this!

So? All prepared?

Not quite.

Oh, she's done fine. Really good. I'm just helping her tidy up.

Is that one of your mother's recipes?

Kind of. I experimented.

Ooh, I can't wait to try it.

Mas, I need you.

When I saw that little black box,

all I could think about was, "This is it.

"He's actually going to ask me to marry him."

But he didn't, Dee.

He's never going to, is he?

-Oh, course he is. Don't be stupid.

-Yeah?

Yeah! He is very lucky to have you.

You are a very special lady.

You're so funny.

That's true.

You're sexy. You've got your own style.

Say what you want about my personality, I know I look good.

-Mmm!

-I look good.

You're passionate, you're sassy, you've got your own business.

-Hey, an entrepreneur...

-Yeah. Loyal, don't forget loyal.

-Yeah.

-Very loyal.

-Yeah.

Come on, look, you know what blokes are like.

It could take him ages before he gets the hint.

DOOR OPENS

You know what, Dee? You're right.

-He is damn lucky to have me!

-Yeah.

And if he wants to keep me, he's got to do better than this.

He's got to put a ring on it!

KIM HUMS: "Single Ladies" by Beyonce

TOILET FLUSHES

You've done a good job, both of you.

Thanks, Bianca.

But I'm sorry. I wish I had two jobs.

-So can you start today, Kat?

-Yeah.

Good.

Sharon, can I have a word?

Mmm!

I knew you'd take after your mother! Oh, that is beautiful.

I would have put a bit more salt but, you know...

SHE MOUTHS

Did you like it?

Yeah?

Joey...

I ain't thanked you yet.

What you've done for Lauren - I appreciate it.

Don't worry about Alice. I told her - told her you'd got it wrong.

-It's sorted.

-What you talking about, sorted? I can barely look her in the eye, Max.

Forget about it, all right? I've done you a favour.

She don't need all that running through her head.

Go see her, go on. Tell her the good news.

Yeah, well, I'll just see Lauren first, eh?

FRONT DOOR SHUTS

You all right, Alice? I was wondering where you'd got to.

I was out looking for you.

You should have called. You all right?

No, not really.

I had some upsetting news about my dad.

About when he died.

I've spoken to Jack and Max

and I think it's only fair if I hear from you.

About how you stood there...

doing nothing, watching him die.

It wasn't like that.

What was it like?

Is there any point in dragging all this up?

It matters to me.

You really want to know?

Yes.

OK.

The...um...

The truth is, I thought he was messing about.

I thought he was winding us up.

I was so angry with him. Alice, I'd lost everything.

He'd ripped it all away.

I hated him.

But then I realised he wasn't joking, and it was too late.

It was over.

It's not your dad that I keep thinking about.

It's Joey. He's really hurting, Alice.

He was the only decent one out of the lot of us -

the only one who tried to help him.

-Joey?

-Yeah.

And I stopped him.

I told him your dad was having us on.

By the time he went over there...

..your dad had gone.

Alice, I'm so sorry.

Alice, I'm...

Hey, babe. You all right?

I had a little talk with Denise earlier.

You think a necklace is all it's going to take to keep me sweet?

Well, it's going to take a lot more than that, Raymondo.

Yeah? A whole lot more.

You know what I'm saying?

Now, you might pretend

you don't...

but we both know exactly what I'm talking about.

Denise came on to me.

Say what? Denise did what?

Denise, um...

she tried to kiss me.

She caught me when my defences were down, you know.

Look I wanted to tell you, but she was drunk, so...

..I felt a bit sorry for her. Embarrassed.

Hold on. Denise tried to kiss you?

Yeah.

What did you do?

I pushed her away, you know. I mean, she's your sister -

what do you think I did?

-FRONT DOOR SHUTS

-Joey?

-In here.

Well?

Well, go on. Tell her.

I got a 12-month suspended sentence

and lost my licence for a year.

That's brilliant! Come here.

I was really worried.

Ain't you pleased?

Yeah. Yeah, course I am. Yeah.

-I've just got to go and see Alice quickly.

-All right. Well, I'll see you later, then, yeah?

We'll go for a drink in the Vic?

I thought he'd be pleased.

He is. He's just... You know, he's upset about his dad.

Come here.

You all right? Was hoping to catch you.

Sharon's given me too many hours...

-Oh, nice. You come round here to show off?

-No.

I thought we could share it. Split it between us 50-50.

If you don't want to, it's fine. I don't want to offend you.

You would do that? Share it?

Yeah. Get the job done twice as quick.

Us single mums have got to stick together, ain't we?

-Yeah. Thanks, Kat. That's brilliant.

-That's all right.

-Why don't you come in and have a cup of tea?

-No, you're all right. It's teatime. You'll be busy.

Nah, the kids are watching telly. It's all right. Come on, come and have a cuppa.

-You know what we are, don't you?

-What?

A couple of scrubbers!

BOTH LAUGH

They let you off, then?

Yeah.

I spoke to Max. And Jack and Kat.

Joey, look at me. Look at me.

It wasn't your fault. Don't blame yourself.

You don't have to do that any more.

Joey, come here.

Come on.

HE SOBS

-I'll get these.

-Thanks.

I took your advice.

Who doesn't know doesn't hurt.

Oh, Trace, can I get a rum over here, please?

And I'm... Oh. Kim!

My round - what you having?

-How about you keep your hands off my man?

-What?

You're dead to me.

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

Ahem.

Oh good. You're awake.

Just about.

Well, one of us has got to open up.

I know you probably just want to keep your head down.

Excuse me?

Sooner or later you'll have to apologise to Kim.

Zee, I told you. He kissed me.

There's nothing to apologise for.

Oh? Then why exactly are you sleeping on my sofa?

She's dead to me, Patrick. I no longer have a sister.

Kind of makes life a bit difficult.

Bearing in mind she's still living here.

It's my name above the door.

-I'm not going to my share my house with no homewrecker.

-My house too.

-Hey.

-Hey, baby. Rrr! Why don't you sit down?

Let me make you some breakfast.

In fact, you know what, I better get to work, babe.

Got a mountain of prep to do. Catch you later.

-OK.

-You've got to talk to her sometime.

Oh, I got a few choice words to say to that Jezebel.

She's going to rue the day she made a move on my man.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get that then, shall I?

Seriously, babe, what do you want me to do?

Go round there, pack her bags for her?

Yes. It would be a start.

I mean, she's living at the B&B, Max.

She's working at the Vic. It's humiliating.

-Well, I told you I'd sort it.

-So why haven't you?

All I want to do is grieve in peace.

Is that what I think it is?

Yep.

Go on, you might as well stick him on the mantelpiece.

Have some respect, will you? That's your brother you're talking about.

Come on, Oscar! You're going to be late.

Funny, ain't it? That's all we've got left of him.

Well, you gave him a decent send-off.

I'm sure between you all you'll think of somewhere special for him.

Just not my kitchen table.

Alice should have him.

It was her dad, weren't it?

-When it suited him, yeah.

-Come on.

It's the right decision. She's family.

Makes you think, don't it? Life's too short.

Derek's gone.

It's time we moved on.

KNOCK ON DOOR

(DENISE) Kimberley Fox, you open this door!

KIMBERLEY HUMS A TUNE

You can't keep it locked for ever, you know.

Just watch me.

You're supposed to be running a bed and breakfast here. Kim? You've got it all wrong.

Will you just let me in and talk to me? Kim!

Kim! Kim!

Next time, I won't miss.

You're out early.

Yeah. I had to pick up Derek's ashes.

Jack, you should have said. I would have come with you.

Bianca, can you give us a minute, please?

Oh, all right.

I'll go and help Kat in the toilet, shall I?

Cheers, babe.

I want you to stick some champagne on ice.

All right? The good stuff.

-You've lost me.

-I thought tonight we could announce our engagement.

Jack, I don't think we need to have a big party, do we?

Few friends. Family.

You've only just buried your brother,

Yeah. And I want to move on in my life. Our life.

-We haven't told Denny.

-Tell him tomorrow. We'll do it properly.

And what about Phil?

What about him?

I want him to hear it from me.

He's got a lot on his plate with Lola.

All right. Fine. You tell Phil.

I'm going to round up the rest of the Brannings.

And you might want to put that ring on your finger I bought you.

Bring her straight back to The Arches. Yeah?

Yes! All right!

-There's a bottle in the bag.

-All right.

Make sure you wind her.

Just tell her what really happened.

It's not like I'm going to get the chance, is it, the way she's been carrying on.

All right?

I've been better.

Did you see the look she just gave me?

OK. Now you're just being paranoid.

So you managed to smooth it over with Kim, then?

-Nothing actually happened with Ray.

-No, of course not.

-What's this?

-They had a few drinks and then...

Zee, you're not really helping. Thank you.

That's 5.85 please.

-I thought I had more than this.

-It's all right. I can cover this, it's fine.

-I've got it.

-I've got a pocket full of change here, Kat.

I'm fine.

There you go. Ta.

Kat. Hold on. Wait up.

Kat.

I've got to get back. Alice is looking after Tommy.

Listen, Kat, if you're a little bit short, seriously,

I could throw a bit of maintenance your way.

I'm fine, Alfie. I don't need your money.

We'll manage.

-You know where I am. Right?

-Yeah.

So come on, are you going to tell me what this big surprise is?

You'll have to wait and see.

That's exactly what Jack said to Max.

Some sort of family gathering, he said.

-I'll see you later.

-See you later. There you go. Thank you.

I had hoped we'd seen the last of you.

You know me, Tanya. Full of surprises.

I never did ask - how was your break? Nicely rested?

You mean my second honeymoon? Yeah, it was lovely.

We had a great time.

Why don't you swing by later?

-There's something I want to talk to you about.

-Bit pushed today.

I'll make it worth your while.

Shall we say a half-hour?

I'll see you then.

Oh, Grandad, have we got any more tomato juice out the back?

Grandad?

-So I thought I'd work topless this afternoon.

-Nice one. That'll be a laugh, won't it, eh?

-Are you OK?

-Yes! Yes, I'm good. I'm good.

Really? You seem a bit distracted.

-Nah, just a bit worried about Tommy, that's all.

-Why are people so messy?

I mean, would you drop crisps on your own floor?

You sure it's Tommy you're worried about? Hmm?

Kat's made her bed.

Rox, I know, sweetheart. I know, all right. It's just, you know, a struggle making ends meet.

Then she'll have to get a job, won't she?

Well, that's easier said than done, isn't it?

She's got little Tommy to look after.

These hands were soft once.

What are you saying? Do you want her to work here, or something?

No, no, no. No. Rox, that's not what I'm saying, sweetheart.

I just need to know that she'll be sorted.

Listen, Jean, can you carry this for me, sweetheart?

This place'll be the death of me.

Let's make this quick. I've got things to do.

Fine. I want you off the Square.

Bothers you, doesn't it? Me being around.

Money must be tight. All those lonely nights in the B&B.

I manage.

Max is with me now. The sooner you accept that.

I'm still his wife. In case you'd forgotten.

You're just a name on a bit of paper.

Then why do you feel so threatened?

Do you know what? I actually feel a bit sorry for you now.

Cos really you're just hanging around in case he changes his mind.

And it's not going to happen.

You really believe that?

-Oh Tan, your 11.15's arrived.

-Not now, Poppy.

Full leg and bikini wax. She tends to take a while.

I'm not saying she's hairy.

Poppy, not now. Please.

Can you just make her a cup of tea, and tell her I'm coming?

Oh. Right. Yeah. Sorry.

I want you to disappear.

And where exactly is that supposed to get me?

Back where he found you. Anywhere. Anywhere but Walford.

I was thinking of moving on anyway.

I'm not too keen on the people round here.

You give my regards to Max.

Oh, Sharon! What do you think?

Special occasion?

Yeah. The party tonight. Jack's invited me. It was only cheap.

I ain't going to get rich cleaning the club, am I?

Not saying I'm not grateful or nothing. Just...

-it's been a while since I had money to spend, know what I mean?

-It's lovely.

-I'll see you later then.

-OK.

Sharon? You offered Bianca a job?

Well, she's sharing her shifts with Kat.

Kat?

Mm-hm. I thought she could do with a break.

We're going to need to find a place to scatter them.

Somewhere he liked to be.

The bookies.

Or the dog track.

I barely even knew him.

Alice, listen to me. You're not on your own.

We're here for you. We're your family.

Lea River. He took Joey fishing there once.

Nice. When you're ready, you call me up and I'll drive you there.

Thanks.

Come here.

Oh, I'm having a party tonight. At the R&R.

Special announcement to make. I know it's a bit soon.

But I'd love you to be there.

I'll see.

Phil. Can I have a word, please?

Well, make it quick, I've got a motor to fix.

-All right, Sharon?

-You seen Lola?

Not since this morning, no.

-She's supposed to be back 20 minutes ago.

-All right, don't have a go at me.

-What time do you call this?

-She filled her nappy.

There's always an excuse with you, ain't there?

-I had to change her, Phil.

-Do you want her taken back in care? Do you?

There's no need for that, Phil.

-Yeah, you tell him, Shaz.

-Don't you start, Lola.

Which bit of "straight back" don't you understand?

-Phil, she is trying.

-She's trying my patience, that's what she's trying.

Have you seemed to have forgotten that I'm her mum?

I'll tell you what you are. You're a liability.

-That's what you are.

-Just pack it in, the pair of you!

This ain't helping no one. The baby is fine, Phil.

It won't happen again. Will it, Lola?

No.

Well, it better not. Come on, darling. Come on.

Daddy Phil's here.

This is for you. Enjoy.

I want a word with you.

I'm busy with orders.

SHE SCOFFS

Ray.

What exactly did you say to Kim?

Maybe I made a mistake, all right?

I thought you spoke to her, so I told her you came on to me.

But why would you say..? If I remember rightly, it was you that kissed me.

If I'm making a play for her sister,

then what does that say about me and Kim?

She loves you, Ray.

But I kissed you. So... So maybe I don't feel the same?

The truth is,

things haven't really been right for quite some time, you know,

and maybe I'm just kidding myself.

OK. There's no need to rush into anything.

I'll tell Kim it was my fault. We're sisters.

She'll get over it.

I just think this is all getting out of hand.

Just leave it to me, OK? I'm going to sort it.

-All right?

-All right.

MUFFLED MUSIC AND VOICES ABOVE

All right, Jack.

-You all right?

-All right.

-What are you doing later?

I might have plans. Yeah. Why?

Well, I'm having a few drinks at the R&R later.

Special announcement to make.

She's not said yes, has she?

That'd be telling, wouldn't it?

You have my condolences.

What do you reckon?

Schneid.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-How do you know?

I'm an ex-copper, you doughnut.

But the likeness. It's a good likeness, ain't it?

Yeah, yeah. Good. Where did you get it?

Bookies?

Well, I suggest you take it back.

All right? Ain't worth the paper it's printed on.

Oh, see you there, yeah?

See you there, yeah.

See you.

-Thanks.

-What for?

For always sticking up for me.

You're the only one Phil actually seems to listen to.

Well, to survive the Mitchells, you've got to choose your battles.

Fight your corner.

Yeah, well, things are better when you're around.

Yeah, well, I'm not going anywhere.

Anyway, Shazza, I hear that Jack's having a party tonight.

-Mm-hm.

-Well, I am invited, yeah?

Well, yeah. Yeah. Course. Course, darlin'.

Bianca, hold on! Hi. Um...

Are you working at the club now?

Why are you interested?

Well, cos I just wondered if you fancied taking on the Vic?

Why are you being nice to me, Roxy?

Just... I dunno.

My sister's in prison and I know how it feels.

-No, you don't.

-OK. All right. Fine. Suit yourself.

-Don't have the job.

-I didn't say that, did I?

It's just... Look, Kat's sharing her shifts with me.

We clean together.

I really don't think she'd want to work at the Vic.

No. I don't suppose she would, really, would she?

I could try and talk her into it.

No... Yeah. Yeah, would you?

I'll try.

Thanks.

That seat taken?

Here for the weigh-in?

What do you think?

She on solids yet?

She's still on milk four times a day. Yes, you are, aren't you?

Formula, yeah?

Well, where else am I going to get it from?

Tough, ain't it? Bringing up a kid on your own.

Especially at your time of life.

What are you trying to say?

Baby indoors. Business to run.

We've got a lot in common, you and me.

Do you reckon?

What if I told you I had some...

money that needed cleaning?

What, dodgy money?

Yeah.

I'd tell you to mind who you was talking to.

I'm looking for someone to help me

make it...disappear, you know?

And you thought you'd ask me?

I thought you'd be the man.

I'm listening.

We join forces. You clean your half through the club,

I clean my half through the gym.

We halve the risk, double the profits, happy days.

And what about Jack?

What about Jack?

How much are we talking about?

Enough to make it worth your while.

You and me? Partners?

Yeah. 60-40.

You think I'd do business with you?

Are you together?

BOTH: No.

Right. Who was next?

We are. Come on, then.

We'll go and get baby weighed.

-All right, Michael? The usual?

-Yeah.

I invited Denise for a drink.

You sure that's wise?

Kim needs to know the truth.

I just can't sit on the fence.

Best place to be right now.

That's on me.

So. I've offered Bianca a job, cleaning.

-Bianca?

-Clearly Jean doesn't want it anymore.

And the thing is, Bianca and Kat have set up,

like, a cleaning thing together.

So Kat's going to be working here then?

Just downstairs. Trial basis.

Peroxide, you're an angel. That's a genius idea. Good one.

What can I get you, Cora?

Same again, darling.

So just to clarify, just for me -

in order to keep your boyfriend sweet,

you've got his ex to work here every day.

You're a genius(!)

Did you know she'd be here?

She hasn't let him out of her sight.

Listen, I don't want no trouble, all right?

I've come in here for a quiet drink.

Surprised she's got the nerve to show her face.

Come on, listen to what she has to say now, man.

Listen, just drop the sorry sister act. Cos I ain't interested.

OK. You know what, whatever Ray might have told you...

Kim, it was just a kiss.

It was just a drunken kiss. I don't know what came over me.

You're brazen, you know that?

I am trying to make things right between us.

-You've always been jealous of me.

-Jealous(!)

Always. Youthful elegance. Easygoing.

You just can't bear the fact that I'm happy.

Of course I want you to be happy.

So you decide to steal my man? Hmm? Yeah?

Fine. If that's what you want to think of me.

Raymond is the best thing that ever happened to me.

I ain't about to let you ruin what we've got.

You know, actually, it's OK.

The pair of you - you deserve each other.

Ain't you supposed to be getting ready?

I thought we were keeping it low-key?

I only told a few people, ain't I?

Seems like you've asked most of the Square.

What's the matter with that?

Jack, why did you pick the R&R?

I mean, it's really rubbing Phil's nose in it.

Right. So you ain't told him yet.

Well, he was arguing with Lola, Jack.

First it's Phil, then it's Lola...

I'm supposed to be looking out for her.

Well, sometimes I think you look out for them more than you care for us.

Jack, that is not fair.

Me, Denny and Amy. We're your family now.

-I don't need you to tell me that.

-Good.

The rest of the Brannings are waiting for me over at the club.

If you want to marry me, I'll see you there, yeah?

DOOR SLAMS

How's my hair looking?

Yeah, it's all right.

I'm not convinced about that leave-in conditioner.

Oh, yeah.

So what's this party in aid of, anyway?

Dunno. They just said a surprise.

I'm too old for surprises.

There you go.

Thank you, darling.

-Cheers, everyone.

-Cheers, one and all.

I don't believe it.

Mutton.

Don't look at me, I never invited her.

Well, I can ask her to leave.

Don't do that, please. Don't make a scene, please.

You want to see the back of Kirsty?

You got to up your game, girl.

So what's all this about? Suspense is killing me.

Sharon'll be here in a minute.

What's she doing here?

Don't start.

Doesn't feel right. Us all out having fun.

It's what your dad would have wanted.

Yeah. Better than moping around indoors.

Go on.

Get those down your neck.

You've perked up since yesterday.

Yeah, well, things are better now, ain't they?

Oh. I was looking for Phil.

Oh. You just missed him.

He's just popped over the club.

-The club?

-Yeah, accounts to do, or something.

He left us with Lexi, and a list of instructions.

-Right. I'll catch him over there.

-What was the big secret?

Yeah, Mum's all excited.

You'll find out soon enough, OK?

So where's Sharon, then?

She's probably still doing her make-up, I should think.

All right, Jackie? How's it going?

-Yeah, good.

-Not too late to change your mind.

You know what, sometimes you are actually quite funny.

Do one.

So what d'you think you're playing at?

Just enjoying the fun. I love a family party.

Stay away from Michael. He's trouble.

What's the matter, Max? You jealous?

We had a deal.

I went up West. Bit of spare cash to spend.

All dressed up, nowhere to go. You really are desperate.

You tried to buy me off.

Now I'd say that was desperate.

He doesn't love you. I know him.

I know him better than anyone else.

He's selfish, devious and far too pleased with himself.

A used car salesman who's seen better days.

Dubious taste in music.

Terrible dress sense.

A weakness for blondes and sherbet lemons.

Funny, ain't it?

The lengths we'll go to.

To keep hold of a man like that.

Change from the dress.

Excuse me. Sorry.

Here she is!

Hey.

Right, people. Listen up!

Right. The passing of my brother made me realise

that in this life you've got to go and grab whatever you want.

You know, grab life by the you-know-whats. So to speak.

So I want you all to know that I've asked Sharon to be my wife.

-CHEERS

-Yeah!

And naturally, she said yes.

So I want you to join me in a toast.

To my future beautiful wife. Sharon. Everybody, come on.

CHEERS ALL: Congratulations!

Sharon!

To Jack and Sharon.

Congratulations.

Thank you very much.

Honestly, Max, the way she looked at me!

You tried to pay her off! What do you expect?

If she thinks she's getting better of me...

-Tan, she don't think that.

-How do you know?

-Breakfast at the caff?

-I can't, babe. I'm skint.

You're not skint enough for this. Come on.

I know women like her.

-Er, you were supposed to be bringing me a coffee?

-It's there.

I know exactly how they think.

It's not like I have a chemistry exam or anything, is it?

Ab!

Deal with it, Max. I want her gone. Today.

-So, B, where is she then?

-Look, Alfie, I'm not psychic!

-All I know is, Kat definitely ain't here, is she?

-OK, OK.

Hey, what do you say we go out for breakfast?

I'm sure Jean will look after Amy.

-Jean might be busy.

-Jean, sweetheart...

Now she's got nothing to clean.

Come on. Please, listen, listen... No Kat, no kids.

Just you and me, yeah? Before anyone else gets a bit of you.

It's just...I need to pop out, all right?

-This better be good.

-I need to see a man about a delivery.

I promise I won't be long.

THEY LAUGH

Oi. They're only doing community service. They're not monkeys!

They don't do tricks.

Cheers for that.

All right?

All right?

You all right, darling?

HE LAUGHS

Lovely day, innit?

Something funny?

Triangles. Proper complicated, or what?

Has Zainab been talking?

You know, I saw this film once, me mam had it on,

where this woman fell in love with her sister's husband.

I don't know what you've heard but it was nothing like...

The whole village got together and drove her out.

She had to go and live in a cowshed. Romantic or what?

I'm sorry, Alfie. I thought I could do this.

But I just can't.

Yeah. Kirsty! Max is here for you.

Can't keep you away, can I?

-Babe, please, this has got to stop.

-What has?

All this. You playing games. Mucking about.

Me? You're the one who just walked through the door.

You're winding Tanya up!

Wouldn't want that now, would we?

She wants it all sorted out, all right?

And what do you want? I know you, Max.

Kirsty, I'm going to marry Tanya again.

Well, then you're just going to have to get a divorce.

Yeah, well, I can't do that on my own, can I?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come round tonight, all right? Dinner. We'll all discuss it.

Please?

-Where's Alfie? I want the rent.

-It's not due, Phil.

That weren't a question, I want the rent.

PHONE RINGS

I've finished the barrel store, do you want...?

You know it's not Alfie's fault

that Sharon and Jack are getting married, don't you?

-Roxy, shall I start on the toilets?

-Alfie's out. He's with a buyer.

So you can whistle for your money for all I care.

Er...I think Alfie went over to see Kat.

Shall I just start on the toilets?

I've let Bianca down and I've let you down.

You ain't let me down.

You didn't have to give me that job.

ALFIE SIGHS

I bet Roxy weren't happy with you but you just went ahead

and done it anyway, didn't you?

-Kat, Kat, she gave you that job herself.

-Course she did.

It had nothing to do with me. Ask Bianca.

Is she trying to rub my nose in it? She takes my pub, my husband...

Whoa, stop.

Now she wants me to scrub her khazis?

Whoa, whoa, Kat, please.

I know you need the money and she knows you need the money.

You don't have to be scared of her, you know.

Don't I?

Well, she's not going to want me to do it now, is she?

Letting her down on the first day.

Listen, I can talk to her. She knows how hard it is.

I don't want her sympathy. I'm not having her thinking I'm charity.

No, it's nothing to do with charity, all right?

Why don't you start next week, yeah?

What about Bianca?

She won't want to do it on her own, will she?

I can talk to Bianca. I can sort it with Rox.

It's no problem.

Why are you always so nice to me?

You know, you're always welcome in the Vic.

You know that, don't you?

And you and me?

We're OK.

Excuse me.

Oh... Well, don't push yourself too hard, will you(?)

Right. 14 caulis, nine red cabbage, seven pounds of Maris Pipers.

And it's only just gone 10 in the morning!

Oh, you've heard the fat lady singing, have you? Have you?

You know, if I'm going to be gossiped about...

I was not gossiping! Ayesha must have overheard.

Well, I may as well be gossiped about and be successful.

Morning, Mrs Masood.

Yes, morning, morning.

Regional Manager.

-SHE SCOFFS

-You?

Yes, me. Applications close next week, so...

DENISE GIGGLES

Move!

Nah, nah, nah, you want the raspberry and the passion fruit.

-Orange one's for sheep.

-Dexter. What are you doing here?

I owe you a fiver, remember?

-You all right?

-Yeah. All sorted?

-Yeah, yeah.

They messed up with the order so I just had...

-Don't lie to me.

-You what?

-I said don't lie to me, Alfie!

OK, hear me out. I just didn't want to upset you, OK?

Well, you didn't do a very good job, did you?

Look, I'm really sorry. I didn't know it was meant to be a secret.

No, no, no, it's not a secret.

No, it's not. It's just something Alfie lied about.

OK, so it's a secret.

Where is Kat anyway? Still putting her make-up on?

-Bianca!

-Don't take it out on Bianca.

-I'm not!

If you want to go and see Kat, then go and see her.

-Rox, I don't want to see Kat!

-Er, you've just been round there!

Yeah, because she didn't turn up for work!

So why can't you just tell me that?

I-I-I don't know! You wanted me all to yourself.

-But you chose Kat, didn't you?

-You want me to turn my back on her?

-Don't make this about me.

-I'm not.

Yes, you are. And you are the one who lied. Not me.

Rox, stop. Now, why..?

I'm so sorry.

It's all right.

He looked like he was going to explode!

I don't care what Phil thinks.

He's still got a bit of a thing for you, hasn't he?

New Year's Day, he proposed.

No! You're kidding me. What happened?

I've just had Max round.

Right. All sorted then?

-All sorted.

-Good.

I'm coming to dinner this evening.

Discuss the whole situation properly.

Max did tell you about the dinner?

It was my idea. So we'll see you about six, then?

Max invited Kirsty to dinner?

Can you believe that?! Well, you're going to come an' all.

Babe, I can't, Tan, I'm working.

Really? I want everyone there. I want the whole family there.

Come on, are you sure that's wise?

Yeah. Yeah. She wants dinner? She can come and have dinner.

She can come round and see exactly what Max has got.

Then maybe she'll give up.

I still don't see why we needed to get another cleaner.

Jean, Jean, please, darling.

It's just that Roxy thought you needed a break, that's all.

Nobody asked me if I needed a break! I mean, at least I turn up.

-Same time tomorrow?

-And will Kat be joining you?

Drop it. Drop it now, OK? Stop.

HE SIGHS

Erm...

Sorry, B. I've spoken to Kat. It's fine. She can start next week.

Oh, yeah. Cos it isn't half hard work,

trying to clean this whole pub all on your own.

I know, I'll make it up to you with the extra hours.

-Yeah? Is Roxy all right about that?

-Yeah, she's fine. She's good.

-Oh, good. See you later then. Thanks.

-Yeah. See ya.

Ain't easy, is it?

No, I get that, I do. It's just, I don't know...

You've got to give them space.

Let them work it out, make their mistakes.

Yeah, but what if every time... is he going to choose her?

Who does he live with? Who does he wake up next to?

They've got a kid together, haven't they?

You don't want it all to end up in a custody battle

-like some idiots, do ya?

-SHE LAUGHS

No. Why couldn't we do this years ago? Just sit and talk.

I think back then you didn't know how to listen.

Ah, that's very funny.

Oi. Congratulations.

-Will you just be there, OK?

-I've got my exam!

It's not tonight, is it?

I thought we were going to the cinema.

You can go tomorrow. 6.00. Dinner. More the merrier.

I thought you had an exam?

I'm on study period. Final revision.

They are doing my head in out there, I tell you.

I've, um...do you remember when the other day I dropped that tenner?

Do you know how hard it is trying to get chewing gum off the pavement?

Look, Jay...

Right. Printed off my application form,

so I've just got to get these filled in now.

-Put these up there.

-How about here, Aunty Ji?

OK, some here some there. Up, down.

-Doesn't matter. Put them...

-What are you doing?

-Retail theory? It's

-a corner shop.

I saw this programme on television, right.

They said that people shop in an anti-clockwise matter.

Which means you should put everything that they need

at the end of their trip.

That way they have to walk through the whole shop.

So people start shopping at the till then, do they?

Right, I have sold 14 big bags of carrots

and I think you've sold one small sweet potato.

Things getting desperate now, are they?

Retail theory(!)

Well, I'm sure the people at Head Office

will be very pleased with my ideas.

-Oh, yeah?

-SHE LAUGHS

You're going after my job, ain't you?

-You going to help her revise?

-You're being so embarrassing.

I'm not hitting on your girl, you know.

-You didn't tell me he was back.

-It didn't seem important.

-Have you got fluff in your ears or something?

-Hang on, hang on.

You're going out with another boy and it don't seem important?

-We're not going out!

-We're having a coffee.

-Am I talking to you?

-You don't own me.

If I was going out with another girl, would you be happy?

We're not going out!

Would you stop being such an idiot! I'll see you later.

We're due at mum's at six. Dinner. Remember?

-You might be. I ain't due anywhere.

-Jay!

No. "You don't own me." Why don't you take one of your new pals?

Maybe I will!

What is his problem?

-Brave man, Jack.

-Yeah?

Ditched the last geezer at the altar, didn't she?

You're no stranger to that one yourself, are you?

Husband before that got murdered.

Yeah, and the last person who proposed to her got a knock-back.

That what she told you?

Yeah, well, there's no secrets between me and Sharon.

Let's be grown up about this, all right? Let's move on.

Mum, I said I wanted them cubed! Cubed I wanted.

Sliced, cubed, whatever.

No, not "whatever," Mum.

Cubed! Is there anything at all going on in that head?

-Babe, you told me to sort it out.

-That woman? Here, for dinner?

Right, fair enough. I'll call her, cancel.

No! No, you're not getting out of it now.

You and Nan are cooking?

Oh, yeah, your dad's wife's coming for dinner.

She ain't my wife!

All right, well, she is my wife. But not like that.

-It wasn't worth coming back here, was it?

-No.

Eh, no, no. You're not going anywhere.

You can't honestly think we're staying?

-Yes. You're having your dinner here.

-I'm not really up for that.

-She wants a war, she can have a war.

-No-one wants a war.

Then after dinner, the three of us will sit and plan your divorce.

But before that, she can have some nice food, nice drink.

And she can get to see what she's taking on.

-The whole family. Warm and united.

-Pushing your luck on that one.

Mum, will you just cube them?

-I need this job, Zee.

-What, and I don't?

To show Kim I'm not just hiding away.

-You did jump her boyfriend.

-I didn't jump him!

I responded.

-Maybe it was on the rebound.

-From who? Lucas?

It doesn't matter.

That's all I get, isn't it? The wrong people. At the wrong time.

Yes, because you look in the wrong places.

-So I need to focus on my career.

-And if I want to focus on mine..?

My sister ain't speaking to me. I've got no family.

My kids never visit me. You, you've got everything.

What have I got? Just me.

I need this job, Zee. Please?

Oi, I want you two opposite ends of the table tonight.

-You're just cousins, all right?

-What, no footsie?

-Lauren!

No, she's all right. She's only messing around, isn't she?

-And no drinking either.

-What? Drinking? Me?

You heard her.

-Hiya.

-You all right, Abs?

Another 30 seconds, I was going to call out a search party for you.

Oh, the exam went fine. Thanks for asking.

-I'm so sorry, Abi. I completely forgot.

-DOOR CLOSES

Jay, is that you, darling? Hello. I'm sorry.

Abs, this is a really bad time.

Well, this is my friend. Dexter. The more the merrier, you said.

Mrs Branning...

Hello, darling. It's Miss Cross, actually.

-Mrs Branning soon, again.

-FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Course you are. Funny how dinner parties grow, isn't it?

Phil! Phil, look, last night.

I didn't mean you to find out like that.

-Don't bother me.

-No, I wanted to tell you myself, you know?

Save it, Sharon! Cos I ain't interested.

Never did do feelings, did you?

Oi, oi, mush.

All right, mate?

Tell us, what's it like being in love with someone you can't have.

I'm not in love!

We're just talking about Denise's...you know, situation.

I actually wasn't talking about anything.

Home.

Please tell me that's not an application form.

Yes, it is. Now.

-You told me you would back out.

-I told you I would think about it.

And I have thought about it and may the best woman win.

Right, that's one stall, completely sold out!

And you have sold... two sweet potatoes. Loser!

I'd rather that you did not speak to Ayesha about your private life.

I'm not the one talking about my private life though, am I?

-I'm not judging you, Denise.

-Not much, you ain't.

-People are gossiping.

-Like you, you mean?

And seeing as I'm Ayesha's chaperone...

I think it is best for everyone if you find somewhere else to stay.

Tough day at the office?

Oh, is that what you think, is it? Tough day at the office?

Well, it sounded like...

My sister thinks I made a move on her boyfriend.

-Which I didn't, he kissed me.

-I didn't know.

And I shouldn't have responded but I did and I'm sorry.

And I've said I'm sorry,

but she's treating me like I'm some sort of a marriage-wrecker,

which, quite frankly, if it takes one little kiss,

then it can't have been much of a marriage to wreck.

So, no, I'm not living there any more, am I?

I'm living at Zainab's, who's meant to be a friend.

Yeah, but she...?

And like any true friend, she looks down her nose at me

and she judges me, and she gives me that look.

And it's not like she's ever done anything wrong, has she?

Oh, no. I'm the bad influence. And, Ian, she's after my job.

My new job.

You know, a teeny bit of happiness. A little bit of something, you know.

Just for me.

She wants that, too, and she wants me out of the house.

So, I tell you what, I've got no sister and I've got nowhere to live.

And you! You come in here all smug about a tough day at the office

and carping on about two poxy sweet potatoes!

I was going to ask if you wanted someone to talk to.

ALFIE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Oi. You're such a big softy.

Listen, sweetheart, I just want to say about this morning,

that I'm really sorry, all right?

It's all right. I don't need big gestures, all right?

Has someone died?

So you two, you're at Sixth Form together, are you?

-She's very clever, my Abi.

-Mum!