20/01/2013 EastEnders Omnibus

What is all the noise about?

Your sister's ill. Right, there you go.

Right, put your head up. Well done.

What's wrong with you, then?

I'm going to fail.

You are not going to fail.

Well, I haven't slept, my head is killing me -

how am I meant to do two exams like this?

Don't be like that.

Lauren, would you go to the shop, get some paracetamol?

Mum, I've just woken up.

Ooh, I'm sorry, are we making you late for work?

-I don't mind going.

-You can't. You haven't got time.

-Are you all right to take Oscar to the dentist later?

-Why, where are you going?

-I've got an auction. I told you.

-Did you? I don't remember.

Well, I did.

I'll see you later.

ABI SIGHS Abi, good luck, baby.

If I mess up these exams, I don't get the grades.

And if I don't get the grades, I don't get into uni. And then I end up...

-Oh, like me?

-Do you want a hot lemon and honey, yeah?

No, that won't make a difference!

I might have some ibuprofen upstairs.

You going to stand there all day or what?

Come on, Kat, don't worry about 'em. It's only a job.

-Yeah.

-Oi, you're late.

What are you going to do? Dock my wages on my first day?

Here, listen, don't worry about her.

If she says anything, I have no problem knocking her spark out.

No, Bianca, leave it. It's not worth it.

Come on, let's go, it's freezing.

What's the matter, you got lead in your boots?

SHE SIGHS

SNORING

You have a bed. This is not it.

HE GASPS, SHE CHUCKLES

That was cold.

And gin.

Is this your plan, huh?

-Woo the girl with your naked flesh?

-Zee?

-Can you come in here and sort your brother out?

-What have I done?

What have...? You think this is acceptable?

Parading around in your smalls, corrupting an innocent girl?

Is everything OK?

Hello, good morning, Ayesha! Everything's fine. We're just...

This is us starting our day off. It's a Masood family tradition.

-Would you like to go and help yourself to some breakfast?

-OK.

OK. Masood, can you go with her?

Keep her as far away as possible from that.

Ayesha...

Is that my jumper?

I-I didn't know it was yours. I was cold.

-Do you want it back?

-Oh, er... No, no, no. You...keep it on.

I... I... I've got to get Kamil ready for nursery. I...

They ain't got any plasters.

Keep an eye on him. You stay with your Uncle Jack, all right?

-All right, mate?

-Is he all right?

Yeah, he'll be fine.

Magic Sponge in my day.

That before they invented antiseptic, was it?

Did you fall? Let's see what I've got for you.

You've got a way with kids, have you?

How about...one of these?

-What do you think you're doing?

-I'm trying to help.

What, by choking him?

I'll leave it to the boys, then, shall I?

I can see you two are more than capable.

Let's have a look at you.

TELEVISION PLAYS

Oh, are my eyes still red?

No, darling. Stop worrying, you look fine. It's going to be fine.

Pure Cod 1 and Pure Cod 2.

You know those modules back to front. I know you do.

-Mum, it's Pure Core, not Cod.

-You know what I mean.

The point is, I'm very, very proud of you.

-Mum...

-What? Can't a mother tell her daughter how proud she is?

-That not very cool, no, in 2013?

-Good luck, Abs.

Thanks.

Good luck! Right, give us a call, soon as you've finished,

-tell us how it went, all right? Bye-bye, darling.

-See you.

-BOTH: See you.

-Bye. Oh, bless her.

-She'll be all right, though, won't she?

-Of course she will. She'll be fine.

She's going to go far with her brains, goodness me.

MOBILE RINGS

Oh, hello, Lola.

Oh, dear.

Oh, right. Um...

do you think you could make it in maybe for the afternoon?

No, Poppy's on a course.

All right, yep, OK, just give us a call if you feel better.

All right, then. Bye, Lola. Bye.

Ohh. Happy Monday, Tanya(!)

I could go in, help you out.

I don't think that's a very good idea, do you?

Why not? Is it just Abi that you're proud of?

Why does it have to be AJ that she likes? Of all the people in all the whole world...

We don't know it's AJ. Not for sure. I'm not convinced it's AJ.

Who else could it be? Face it, that girl has terrible taste in men.

I mean, why couldn't she just like our Tamwar? You know, he's young,

he's virile, his legs are far more shapely than AJ's...

Did AJ have rickets as a child?

What have I done?

Oh, unbelievable!

Can we just take a second and talk about this calmly? Er...

Where are you going?

-I've been put to work.

-It's nice to go out, isn't it?

I'm looking forward to it.

-You sort your brother out, OK?

-MOBILE RINGS

I want to put an end to this lusting once and for all.

Bruv, bruv, tell him I'm sick!

Has she said anything to you? Ayesha? Has she said anything about...?

About?

All right, forget it. Just stay out of the way, OK?

MOBILE RINGS

HE GROANS

You all right? You been up to see Tommy?

Yeah. Couldn't prise him away from Jean, though.

Little love.

-Bianca's doing out the front...

-OK.

-..and I'm doing the back.

Division of labour. It's good.

Kat, I don't want things to be awkward between us,

-you know, after last week.

-No. They won't. They won't.

Listen, I know it's not much,

but it's not every day someone turns 50, so...

Oi, you, shut your trap!

-Ray needs to start prepping in here in a minute, OK?

-Right, yeah.

-You got everything you need?

-Yes, thank you.

SHE SIGHS

Perfect. Thank you. Yeah. We'll see you then.

Thursday at four.

OK, bye. Bye.

There you go. Well done. So you've...

Oh, you've booked her in for Wednesday at four o'clock.

That's the Wednesday column there. Oh, never mind.

Give her a call, rebook. Hello, love.

Hi. Hello.

Oh, I thought we were meeting for lunch?

Yeah. Yeah, we are, babe.

-Look, Fats wants us to go down the pub later. You up for it?

-Mrs Dickinson, hi,

it's Lauren again from Booty's. Yeah.

(I'm really busy, Joey.)

Yeah, basically, I'm really sorry about this,

but Thursday we're actually fully booked.

I know. Would you be able to come in on Wednesday?

Yep, same time, four o'clock.

Perfect. Thank you. Thank you, bye.

Ahh!

Ayesha, if you're going to do it, do it properly.

-You're going to have to help her...

-What is going on?

She's gone mad.

Did you speak to him?

It's a little bit more delicate than we thought.

If you're not going to deal with this, then I will.

I've spoken to AJ - he's not in the business of encouraging her.

-So let me just speak to Ayesha and get her side of the story.

-I'll tell you how the story ends.

If you keep pushing, you will drive them further together.

We've all read Romeo And Juliet.

Oh!

Ayesha, grab your coat. Early lunch.

-Don't you dare let me down.

-All right.

-Where did you get this? It's a death trap.

-I borrowed it.

I didn't know it was going to break down. Mum, where are you going?

Walking. To my interview. Thanks for that(!)

Yeah, I think it's just one of those 24 hour things, you know.

Just a quiet day in bed. Oh, cheers, Phil.

OK, I'll see you tomorrow.

Oi, listen, mate, is there a garage around here?

TABLE CREAKS

Sorry, was that you?

-No.

-Table leg.

Easy mistake.

Table leg, real leg.

I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable.

Me? Uncomfortable? No. HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Uncle-Ji...

What I do need to know...is...erm...

..the leg...the caressing...

It wasn't for me, was it?

Oh.

OK.

Wow. Erm...

You know Zainab thinks you have feelings for AJ?

You mean throwing water over Uncle AJ isn't a Masood family tradition?

I didn't...plan for it, if that makes sense?

No, it doesn't. Explain it to me.

I can't.

Uncle-Ji, I don't even understand it myself.

Well...maybe I do understand it.

-You lost your father very suddenly...

-This isn't about my father.

I know, I'm not saying it is, but subconsciously it might be.

Ayesha, I remember my first crush.

I was about 10 or 11.

I was in the playground and my friend comes over to me and he says, "Meera loves you."

My heart started to beat faster and I started to sweat,

and then I looked over, and...

..there she was,

just staring right back at me,

this beautiful thing, just...

..just staring.

What did you do?

I ran away. SHE LAUGHS

Ayesha, what I'm trying to say is...

..people react differently to situations and events.

You've been through a huge trauma. Whether you realise it or not,

you still have to come to terms with it.

Thank you...for being so nice.

-Have you spoken to your dad today?

-Relax, Mum. He's at that auction.

Yeah. Right, I shouldn't be any later than three o'clock.

Unless you want to take Oscar to the dentist?

-Cos you don't trust me here?

-No. Of course I...trust you.

I might not be taking my two maths exams today, Mum,

but I am capable of answering a phone.

I'm going. I'll see you.

See you.

You OK?

Look, you made a mistake. We all make mistakes.

Let's say no more about it and I'll sort things out with Zee.

I'll be discreet.

Dessert?

Why not?

Thank you, Masood.

You're a very kind man.

(Masood.)

You're having a laugh. I ain't helping you.

-Stop being stupid. Abi said you would.

-Speaking to you now, is she?

-Yeah, she is.

-When did you speak to her?

-Just a minute ago.

Nice one - she's in the exam and her phone's off.

Listen, you'll have to get this out of here - I've got a cam belt change due in.

-What, you run this place by yourself?

-Yeah. Most of the time.

Sometimes. Well, not really. What's it to you?

Look, let me use the kit and I'll give you a hand with the cam belt.

And what do you know about cars?

Enough to know it'll be quicker if I help. Deal?

Finally. Working isn't all late starts and early breaks, you know. Here.

It's not AJ.

What? Then who? Who is it?

Zee, we have to let this one go. She's been through a terrible time.

You know, all this - the letter, the lusting - it's classic displacement.

Classic displacement...?

-You know who it is, don't you?

-Sorry, guys, on lunch shift. Cheers.

-Either you tell me or I'm going to go ask her myself.

-It's Ray.

What, him?!

Yeah. It's just a small crush, Zee.

Just promise me you won't say anything.

-Ray?!

-Zee!

OK, fine, I promise.

The sooner that we find her a respectable man,

the sooner I can relax.

Come on, put some muscle into it!

Abi called. And she said the two exams went really well.

She's answered all the questions so she's feeling much better.

That's good, isn't it? Oh, where did you find that?

Does it matter where I found it?

No, of course not. It's not like it's a secret or anything.

It was just a little chat with my old nurse.

Went well, did it?

Yeah. Yeah, it was good.

So how come when you were meant to be at the hospital last Wednesday,

you were giving Roxy Mitchell a pedicure?

Yes, it turns out I can use the booking system, after all.

Well, it was a mistake, wasn't it?

Probably. I mean, you made one yourself this morning.

You see how easy it is.

PHONE RINGS

Are you going to answer that?

Lauren, I'm not going to get into this with you.

Honestly, you wouldn't understand,

-it was just a little chat with my old nurse.

-RINGING CONTINUES

Well, are you going to make another appointment?

Are you going to answer the phone?

RINGING CONTINUES

Good afternoon, Booty's. How can I help you?

Yes, of course. What day would be good for you?

Let me have a look for you.

Yeah, that should be fine. What sort of time?

Zee, do I really need to be doing this on my day off?

If I want the regional manager's job, then I have to show initiative,

and this is initiative.

This is slave labour.

Zainab, I ain't being funny, but this milk is two days old.

-You have got some nerve.

-Have I?

-Mum...

-You think I don't know that the Vic has its own special delivery of milk every morning?

-We ran out. What's the problem?

-Zee, give him his refund.

That poor girl has been through an unimaginable ordeal, all right?

So you are just a rebound. Nothing more than that, OK?

-So this tiptoeing courtship of yours, it can end any time.

-What?

-What? You think I like him?

-SHE LAUGHS

-You can drop the act, Ayesha, we read the letter, we know you like him.

-Oh!

You read my letter?

-Not on purpose.

-What letter?

I think there's been a... misunderstanding.

Well, actually, you are kind of cute.

-Hey!

-All right, that's enough! I think it's time for you to go.

-Zainab is sorry about the milk.

-I am not!

-And that money's for you. Please don't talk to Ayesha like that again.

-All right.

-Thank you. Sorry.

Somebody needs to tell me exactly what is going on here.

Kat, what are you doing?

This was supposed to be done two hours ago.

Yeah, I'll get the swing of it by tomorrow.

Bianca's just finishing off in the toilets. Hello, Amy.

-Hey, darling, what you got there?

-Amy, you ready?

-Um... She's got one of Tommy's toys.

-Has she? That's nice.

-Amy, come on, let's go.

-Amy, hold on a minute, darling.

Don't tell my daughter what to do, OK?

Yeah, well, if you didn't let her take Tommy's toys, I wouldn't have to. Can I have that?

Amy, you go wait and in the bar for Mummy, OK? Go on. Be a good girl.

All right, now, that is enough.

-I don't know who you think you are.

-Really?

-Yeah, really!

Oi, oi, what's with the racket, eh?

Nothing. I was just getting Tommy's toy back from Amy, that's all.

-OK, so what's the problem, then?

-ROXY LAUGHS

-What are you smirking at?

-Kat, don't start, darling, all right?

-Look at her - giving orders like she's the Queen of Sheba.

-You know what?

All I've done is be nice to you

-and all you've done is come in here shouting the odds again.

-Yeah?

-Well, you can stick your nice and you can stick your job!

-Good.

-Can you believe that? Can you believe that?!

-Let it go, Rox.

-You get Jean back here, all right? Cos she's gone and the other one's gone as well, all right?

-Sssh!

Stop shouting. Calm down.

It's not worth it, all right? Just... Come on.

Let it go, yeah?

I don't care that she didn't tell me, just lying to my face - that's pathetic.

It's like she don't remember what happened last time.

Well, why don't you go and talk to her, eh?

No, I'm done talking now.

FRONT DOOR OPENS

-Sorry, I didn't know there was anyone in.

-You all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Yeah, you were right, your valve stem oil seal's knackered.

-Oh. Can you get one at trade price?

-Over my dead body.

Phil, do you know Dexter?

No, I don't. Is he paying?

No, I didn't think so. Now, get this motor out of here and get cracking on what I pay you to do.

-Hold on, can I just say...?

-No, you can't say anything.

-Excuse me? Is there a problem?

-And you are?

No, it's all right, Mum. I got this.

Mummy to the rescue. Do me a favour!

Listen, old man, I don't know who you are or what you want.

-I own this place.

-Then you should be thanking me for helping out Jay.

I'll thank you when you pay me some money.

I've got money. How much is it?

Mum, what's wrong with you? Put it away, man, we ain't got it. I'm dealing with it.

So what do you know about motors?

I watch Top Gear every week.

-No, I'm joking. I could strip these in my sleep.

-All right.

You come back tomorrow and you pay me back in time.

Now, get this place cleaned up.

So how was the interview, Mum?

Yeah, fine. Did he just offer you a job?

Stop crowding me!

But it smells so good.

-You won't be able to smell anything in a minute if you don't back up!

-Everything all right, Zee?

I don't know, why don't you ask Ray?

OK, I'm still a bit confused as to what actually happened.

-Yes, that makes two of us.

-Here, you - make yourself useful.

So she doesn't actually like Ray but she wrote him a letter?

No, she didn't.

Why would she like Ray, anyway?

OK, sure, you look at Ray and you think, "Ooh, steak,

"sirloin, meaty." Am I right, Zainab?

-Huh?

-But after steak, you feel bloated, cheap. Ayesha is classy.

-She's more...sushi than steak.

-All right.

Look, can we just respect her privacy, please? Just a little?

Thank you, Masood. This is what I'm saying.

A piece of skirt like that deserves respect, innit?

-I'm all about the feminism. I bet that letter was proper dirty, though.

-Oi, that's enough!

-Give me a taster...

-ZAINAB CLEARS HER THROAT

Oh. Hi.

AJ CLEARS HIS THROAT

How are you?

I wanted some water.

And instead you got an earful from a Neanderthal. All of you, out, please.

Will you just help me finish laying the table, please?

That means now, Tam. Let's go.

-Out.

-OK!

Ah, isn't that nice?

Finally some peace and quiet.

It's why I like to cook. You know, it gives me some me time,

some time to just relax... in private.

Which is what you have here, Ayesha. You have privacy...

if you want it.

But if you leave things lying about like that, then, you know...

I understand. Thank you.

CUTLERY RATTLES

Yeah, yeah, you know, that skirting board,

that's going to need replacing.

These are on me.

No, they ain't.

It's just a drink.

-What?

-Why don't you go home, eh? Go and see your wife.

You know, the other one.

See you later.

-Service that bad, is it?

-In what world do you think this ends well?

So there were, like, 15 of us, right...

-15? Wow.

-Yeah, and there were four modules to complete.

And at the end they gave us this, like, little USB with all the presentations on.

You know what? I think I've got it in here somewhere. It's so cool.

And the guy who was, like, running it all,

he said I had a natural talent.

Oh, you see? That is my baby. Look at you.

-Now, you see this guy?

-Mmm.

-He wasn't sexier than Fats, was he?

How could he be sexier than you?

Oh, you sexy little thing, you.

Come here. You're so beautiful. You're so clever.

-POPPY GIGGLES

-Look at your hair, so shiny.

Lauren, how drunk are you? Eh?

Just get me the same again.

Actually, no, I'll have slimline this time, yeah? Thank you.

You all right?

May I be excused?

-So when do I get to see this letter?

-Good day at work, was it?

-I was ill.

-You were hungover.

Excuse me.

Ayesha? Er...

Zainab found the letter. We weren't rooting around.

And I'm really sorry about that whole Ray thing.

It's not your fault. You were just protecting us.

Was I? Yeah, well, I suppose I was.

Thank you, Masood.

You know, for not telling Aunty-Ji who the letter was really for.

Yes, that's because you said it didn't mean anything.

So why not tell her the truth?

Because there's no truth to tell.

Listen, Ayesha, I've tried to be nice and understanding about all this,

but whatever you're feeling, it's not real, and it has to end now. Do you understand?

-Where did you get Cora's keys from?

-They're not Cora's, they're Poppy's.

-You nicked them? Lauren, she's going to notice.

-Yes, well, we'd better be quick, then.

Oh, I say.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Who is it?

It's Bianca.

You all right?

You're lucky I didn't keep it all for myself.

Cheers.

She paid us for a full day.

And, yeah, I got the sack and all.

I'm sorry, Bianca.

It's all right. Look, you left these.

Oh.

I forgot about them.

None of this would have happened if you'd have just let me knock her out.

BOTH LAUGH

-Roxy wasn't really up for talking about any kind of pay-off, but I got this.

-She gave it to you?

No, but finders keepers, I say.

I'll get the glasses.

Getting stuck in, Dot?

They're not mine.

-I haven't got 'em.

-You know what that means, don't you?

Oh, great. Great. Why don't you go round there and pick them up?

Why don't you introduce yourself while you're there?

Joey, go and make yourself useful, will ya?

All right. See ya.

You going to get dressed today or what?

You know you make it very hard for me and your mum

to be proud of you, Lauren.

Oh, thanks.

When was the last time you had a shower?

Hello, dar...

I got enough on my plate without the latest Lauren drama.

We need to talk about Kirsty.

-Babe, can we do it later? I got to make this phone call.

-Max!

Hang on.

Hello, mate. You all right?

It isn't funny.

No, it's not. It's hilarious.

She's your granddaughter.

Thanks for pointing that out, Dot,

but I don't think Alzheimer's has set in just yet.

Where are you going?

Work.

Work?

Oh, hello, Mrs Branning. Um.

We haven't properly met yet, which is funny,

seeing as I live in your house.

Yes, highly amusing.

I'm Poppy.

How do you do?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Mrs B? Mrs B! I haven't seen you in so long.

It's so good to see you. I have missed you so much.

Oh, my goodness. Look at you. You are looking good.

And those earrings, they're looking sharp. So sharp they're dangerous.

-SHE LAUGHS

-I've had 'em pierced.

It was all down to Dotty, I'll tell you about it later.

Oh, I've missed you, Arthur.

-There was no need to make such a fuss of me.

-What?

Still, you've bought them now, so... Thank you very much.

Yeah, well...of course. I mean, welcome home, Mrs B.

To the prettiest Poppy on the block.

Poppy?

HE CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY

Yes. Poppy.

Morning. Sleep well?

It's midday.

So it is. Would you like a tea?

Kettle's just boiled.

Or there's juice in the fridge.

With bits, I think, if you like bits.

If you don't mind them. I like it smooth.

But does Zainab ever listen?

Or at least she does and then she wilfully ignores me,

which isn't out of character...

-Ayesha, about last night...

-Where's Aunty-Ji?

Minute Mart.

Kim.

Wait up. Kim!

You keep 'em.

Don't you like them?

No, no, it's not that.

Where am I going to put a vase of flowers when I'm homeless?

Mrs B hasn't chucked you out.

No. Not yet. But she don't like me though.

Oh, baby, how could she not like you, huh?

You did not see the way she looked at me.

Right, listen. Mrs B, she's just like a pussycat.

Yeah? You've just got to know how to stroke her.

Will you teach me?

Course. Come on.

Babe, please, I'm really hungry.

Meaning what? You're incapable of human thought?

-I've got work in five minutes.

-I have got a job too, Max.

Which is exactly why we need to sort this out

so we can both get on with our lives.

-You've got to do something.

-What do you mean? Like what?

Well, I don't know. Get on to your solicitor, threaten her, something!

Don't be silly. That's exactly what she wants.

No, Max, it's what I want.

DOORBELL RINGS

You all right, Dot? Welcome back.

Thank you.

Oh, hello, Dot. It's lovely to see you. Come in.

Thank you very much. Now, I'm not stopping.

I've come to see you as a matter of priority.

Oh, right. Come through.

Can I take your coat?

No, well, I don't think I'll stay for long.

You smell that? Beautiful.

Oi! Patience.

Never been big on that.

Oh, yeah?

Now what if I told you that this was going to be the richest, darkest,

finest piece of damn chocolate pudding you've ever tasted?

How do you know what I've tasted?

Oh, hello. Something tells me...

Just teasing.

Kim, hi.

All right? What you looking so jumpy for?

I haven't got a bunny up my top.

However, I've got a couple of puppies.

SHE LAUGHS

-What you doing here?

-Clubbing, by the looks of it.

Was passing by and I thought I'd drop by to tell you...

I've got some of your stuff.

What stuff?

Stuff that belongs to you, like CDs...

-Keep them.

-And other stuff as well.

So I was thinking that, if you want to pop by later,

I can get some wine in.

Look, I'm working.

Yeah, but I stay up late. You know that.

-I'll give you two some space.

-There's no need for that.

That'd be great, yeah.

Look, we're not together any more, Kim.

I know. I know that, Ray.

But it doesn't mean that we can't be friends, does it?

So, pop round later, glass of wine. That's what friends do, innit?

There you go.

I've just been saying to Tanya, I went to visit your father.

Oh, yeah?

He's still heartbroken. His eldest, cut down at such a tender age.

Such a nice, generous man. Lovely manners.

Yeah, we're all still reeling, to be honest.

FLOORBOARDS CREAK

Lauren, is that you? Come and say hello to your Grandma.

Hi, Grandma.

Lauren.

-It's nice to see you, but I'm late.

-Late?

Yeah. For a thing.

Lauren?

I'm so sorry, Dot. I'll be talking to her later.

Well, actually, I was hoping to see her later on by myself.

You know, time has taught me that death casts a long shadow

and Jim has made me promise on his behalf,

that I would take care of the whole family.

Starting from tonight.

You're all invited for a meal at 5.00 at mine.

You know, Jack, Carol, children, grandchildren, everyone.

Oh, Dot, that's a lovely gesture, but there's a lot of us though.

Sure you've got room?

I'm not talking about a banquet, Tanya,

I'm talking about a family gathering at a time of crisis.

Well, I could always sit on Jack's knee.

I tell you what, why don't we go to the Vic for the gathering?

-On Max, of course.

-Yeah, or a curry?

Oh, no. Oh, no, them spices, they play havoc with my stomach.

What's wrong with the Vic?

Nothing.

Good. Right, well, that's decided then.

All right. Ooh, we mustn't forget Alice.

And Derek's son. What's his name?

Joey.

Joey. It's about time I got to know him.

-Rashid? I thought that was...

-You think it's a bad idea?

No, no, I did not say that.

I just think it's going to take a bit of delicate handling.

Luckily for you, I was born with a pair of kid gloves.

SHE LAUGHS LOUDLY

Now, where did I put Rashid's mother's number?

Here, Ayesha, you sure you want to do this?

Why?

Cos in the real world, match making don't work...

No, scratch that, relationships don't work. End of.

Don't you listen to her, OK.

This isn't match making, this is finding a husband. It's different.

OK, are we ready?

I didn't want to say nothing in front of Max,

seeing as he's in mourning. But now I've got you...

-Oh, whose are those?

-That is a good question.

And one that I would be asking your daughter

if she'd had the courage to face me.

Sorry, Dot. You've lost me.

Well, yesterday was not a good day.

Sandy had bought me one of them Sat-things, you know, so I

didn't get lost, and she took me so many times around a roundabout

that I had one of my dizzy turns.

When she finally got me back on track,

my nerves were shot to pieces and I had to stop for a cup of strong tea.

And you know them motorway cafes,

they don't know the meaning of the word strong.

Sorry, what's all this got to do with Lauren?

Well, the only thing that was getting me through

was the thought of being back in my own home, in my own sitting room,

sitting on my own sofa with a cup of strong tea.

And what do I find when I open the door?

Your daughter, sprawled on my sofa with the mystery owner of these.

I shall never be able to look at my anti-maccasars again.

Well, not until they've had a good wash.

I don't know what to say, Dot.

I know that Lauren is taking her uncle's death to heart,

but that is no reason why such behaviour should go unchecked.

Well, no. You're absolutely right, Dot.

Trust me, it won't. Thank you.

What's all that about?

We've got a problem.

Well, yes, of course. We understand, yeah. OK. Thank you.

Bye-bye.

Aunty-Ji?

Rashid is coming over tomorrow for tea.

That is not the reaction that I was expecting.

Just imagine, Ayesha, you could be starting your life again. Imagine that.

I think she is.

I'm excited. Really.

It's OK to be nervous, you know.

No, no. I'm not nervous. It's just...

What will I say after last time?

And how will I know if I like him?

How will I know if he likes me?

Luckily for you, I am very experienced in these matters.

Ooh, we doing advice? Excellent, grab a pen.

A pen?

That's what you dragged me here for?

Dad, I don't want to go back to college.

Lauren, it isn't a yes or a no sort of a deal.

Pick a course, will ya?

I thought the Max Branning dictatorship ended when I was 18.

I've got two words for you - Dot's sofa.

I know you're young, I appreciate all that.

But you go around acting like nothing you do matters.

-That's what Mum does, I don't.

-Prove it. Start taking life seriously.

And that's it? You ain't going to yell at me, or..?

What do you want me to do? Dock your pocket money?

Think we're moved on from that, Lauren, don't you?

You're an intelligent young woman. Just start acting like one.

Oh, and we've got a family dinner in the Vic, yeah? 5 o'clock.

Family?

Yep. It's all right, don't panic. Joey's off the guest list.

Ayesha does not need to worry about that particular type of man.

What particular type? They're all that type.

Hold on, what about the type that takes in damsels in distress?

Good point.

One, I'm not a damsel, two, I'm not in distress.

And three, this isn't about you, Ian.

Then there's Masood. He is a kind, honourable man.

Yes, they are not all bad, but they are all emotionally backward.

Hey, Masood happens to be highly intellectual.

They can be saying one thing to you, you know,

they can be going around telling the world that they love your sister

and then they can turn around the next minute

and they can be kissing you and no, that's no contradiction, is it?

You're confusing the poor girl.

Ignore her.

OK, to simplify, and write this down,

now when a man says something to you,

you don't take it at face value, yeah?

You look for the hidden meaning. All right?

-Are you quite finished?

-I'm not even started yet.

-Masood. Masood, tell her.

-Huh?

Tell her that you're one of the good guys.

What are we talking about?

Umm, I've decided to give it another go with Rashid.

OK.

-Lauren's going to college?

-Yeah.

-What's so funny about that?

You're not the only one with a brain, you know.

How was your biology exam?

Oh, I dunno.

I ran out of time, but I think I answered most of the questions.

-My knees just kept shaking.

-I'm sure you did brilliantly.

I'm proud of the pair of you.

I hope you're going to take this college course more seriously

than your shift at Booty's.

You know why I walked out. Have you phoned the hospital yet?

Not now, Lauren.

You got a death wish, have you?

Shockingly, this weren't my idea.

The whole family, is it?

My invitation must've got lost in the post.

You don't normally wait for an invite.

Babe, why don't you go and sit down, I'll get the drinks in.

Come on then, jump down.

-Kirsty, play nice, will you? Please?

-You know me, Max.

-Get us a large whisky, will ya?

-Everything all right?

Yeah, yeah, it's fine.

I'm having scampi.

You do know scampi is fish?

Don't be stupid. It's not, is it, Mum?

Go and ask your cousin. Here you are.

Oh, good. I was worried I was going to be late.

Is Joey coming?

-Nah, he was busy.

-Typical.

Oh, great. Does anyone else want to qualify as family?

The Masoods? Ian Beale?

You getting them in, Max? Whisky. Make mine a double.

That's brilliant, I didn't know drinks were included.

-They're not, Bianca.

-Oh, stop it and get your wallet out.

Dot.

THEY GREET HER

-Ah!

-Hi, Grandma.

Denise, wait up. You see that?

That there is the fourth text message that she's sent me today.

You need to tell your sister to leave me alone.

Well, considering my sister can't stand the sight of me

since you dumped her, I'd say the answer to that question,

no, sorry, demand, is no.

HE SIGHS

All right, look, listen.

I don't want to hurt her feelings, all right?

But that girl's skin is thicker than an elephant.

Oi. You watch it. My sister is as sensitive as they come.

Exactly. I mean, you know her better than anyone, right?

Just think about it. Save her from making a fool of herself.

I mean, she's got to come round, right?

-Oh, yeah, just the steak please.

-Dripping with blood, right?

No, I'll have it well done.

Here, isn't that my overall? Let's have a look.

Here, look. There's that cigarette burn in my pocket.

-What are you doing with it?

-Comes with the job, Dot.

Job? At the launderette?

Come on, Dot. Give me a break.

You didn't really think Mr P was going to keep the job open

indefinitely, did you?

GLASS TINKLING

Right. Quiet, please, you noisy lot.

I'd like everyone to join me in raising their glasses.

-It's lovely to have Dot back.

-THEY CHEER

Where she belongs.

Place hasn't been the same without you, Dot.

I'm not so sure of that.

Anyway, I'm sure that Jim would send his love, if he could.

And I know he'd love to be here, but there we are.

You know, he's very fond of his family.

But anyway, thank you all for coming.

Oh, Alice, isn't your brother joining us?

I can call him if you like?

Er, no, no. He said something else on, so...

Anyway, Dot, what d'you think about Sharon joining the family?

Think that's up to Jack to break that news, isn't it?

Yeah, I wasn't going to tell you in such a public forum,

but yes, me and Sharon, we're engaged.

No! Oh, Sharon. Oh, how lovely! Oh, what a beautiful ring.

Oh, I'm ever so pleased for you.

Cos life hasn't been easy for you, has it? Nor for Jack.

How's your little boy? How's Dennis?

Oh, he's not so little any more. But he's gorgeous.

He's terrorising Ian tonight.

So you'll have to come and see him.

Oh, I'd love to. Or you could come to mine.

-Oi, you going to the bar?

-Yeah.

-You know the drill.

We're a bit empty here, Uncle Max. Cheers. That'd be nice.

Hey, Max.

You and Kirsty, is that a done thing or

we still talking present tense?

-Nah, nah, nah. It's all history, innit.

-Yeah?

So I wouldn't be knocking anyone's nose out of joint if I, you know...?

No, it's all right. Go on. Crack on.

Nice one. Always like to ask.

You know, gentleman's code n'all that.

Yeah, well, thought you'd had enough of that after Kim.

-Eh?

-High maintenance.

You're early. Thought you were working...

Kim, wait. Kim, please, just five minutes.

I'm busy.

You look nice. What, you going out?

SHE SIGHS

OK, look. No, you're right, you're right.

I'm not going to patronise you by dressing this up.

So I'm just going to come out with it

because it's kinder than the alternative

and, in the long run, I hope that you'll be able to see that...

This is you coming out with it?

Ray came to see me.

Look, I know this is hard, but he's moved on.

What? To you?

No, of course not.

You're not totally deluded, then.

You really think this is going to work, babe?

Trust me. This is going to be the start of a beautiful friendship.

All right? Come on.

S'cuse me.

S'cuse me. Yeah, you.

Can I have another glass, please? That's got lipstick on it.

Did another woman get there first again?

You going to let her talk to me like that?

Babe, just ignore her, will ya?

-You look tired, Tanya.

-Excuse me?

-Kirsty...

-Did Oscar keep you up?

-Kirsty, don't do this.

After his bike accident, I thought he might be a bit unsettled?

-He's fine.

-I'm glad to hear it.

-Good.

-Poor little poppet.

Talk to me.

It was nothing, just a little scrape that's all. Jack was there.

Yeah. So was she, by all accounts. Why didn't you tell me?

Cos there's nothing to tell.

Come to think of it, why didn't Oscar tell me?

Babe, I got no idea.

-Did you tell him not to?

-Don't be stupid.

Did you tell our five-year-old son to cover for you?

-He didn't really do anything, I mean...

-Stay out of it.

-Babe, don't be paranoid.

-Paranoid? The woman is obsessed with you!

Max, you're not having another affair, are you?

-No, Dot, I'm not.

-Who knows?

Strictly speaking, she's right. You are having an affair, Max.

With Tanya.

Seeing as we're the ones married.

It's lovely to finally meet my mother-in-law.

I'm Kirsty.

How do you do?

Is everything OK?

Masood.

About Rashid. Do you really think it's a good idea?

Well...

If it's what you want and you don't feel pressurised into it...

You think I should wait?

I think you should do what makes you happy, Ayesha.

You know, Max, I'd have thought you'd've learnt your lesson

with poor dear Bradley.

Dot, can you just give me a chance to explain?

And listen to more of your lies? I don't think so.

-Tell her, will you?

-Tell her what? Frankly, I'm confused.

Me an' all, Max. Want to explain this one again?

I thought you said this was going to be boring.

Bianca!

It's simple. Uncle Max was getting married to Aunty Tanya again,

and then that lady turned up

and said she was already married to Uncle Max, so they had to

cancel the wedding and then Uncle Derek dropped down dead.

Shush, Tiffany!

What? She's right, that is, well, that is what happened.

No, it's not exactly what happened, thank you, Lauren.

Joey! You came.

Thought you were busy.

Come and sit down, the food's just got here.

Grandma Dot, this is my brother, Joey.

Your brother?

-Yeah.

-What, Derek's boy?

Yeah. Why, what's wrong?

But THEY are cousins.

Dot, can we just do this another time, yeah, please?

-You knew?

-Knew what? What's she talking about?

-Nothing, just ignore her, all right?

-Are Lauren and Joey together?

Lauren and Joey what?

Seriously?

Lauren and Joey what, Mum?

Eurrgh! That's like me kissing Abi on the mouth.

Morgan, stop it.

What, no Bible quote for this one, Dorothy?

It isn't about religion. It's not healthy.

Eww! This is awful, she's going to hate it.

Pops, come on, babe, all right? This is her favourite.

One bite of this and Mrs B is going to regret

staying away so long, OK?

Makes you wonder what Max and Tanya are playing at.

Make sure you brush your teeth.

Don't try and trick me with chewing gum.

It's not like it's incest. They're not breaking the law.

It's a bit creepy though, innit?

Oh, come on, you can't tell me

you wasn't sitting there thinking the exact same thing?

Do you want to take your brother upstairs?

I'll be up in a bit.

You OK?

They're ashamed of me, aren't they?

Wow, if humiliating is on a scale, then what's just happened tonight

is so far off it, we're on another street.

Babe, it'll be fine, won't it? Honestly, it'll blow over.

That's your response to everything, innit? Head firmly in the sand.

About Oscar.

I mean, Kirsty really was just passing when he fell off his bike.

It's all right. I trust you.

Really?

What did Ray want?

What do you mean?

I saw you talking to him.

Oh, nothing. He just fancies Kirsty.

Really?

Yeah. I told him, you know, go for it.

High maintenance! Can't guess who told you that.

You saying it's not true?

No. Are you saying you mind?

No.

SHE GIGGLES

Kim? What is it? Has he said something to you?

If he's upset you...

Oh, look, just drop dead!

Denise?

I'm not a damsel in distress, Ian.

Do you need to stay at mine another couple of nights?

Thank you.

What is it, Arthur?

We've got a bit of a surprise for you, Mrs B.

-What?

-Come through.

Oh, I knew you wouldn't like it!

It's only Fats...sorry, Arthur, Arthur said...

Well, he said Battenberg was your favourite and we tried to

follow the recipe, but it just, well, it didn't really work.

I do like it. It's just you didn't use enough jam.

That's all. That's the trick of it, you see.

Still, you've got plenty of time to learn...

since you're living in me house.

Oh, great. Bit of cake.

Missed half the meal

because Miss Hoity Toity here got on her high horse.

That family of yours is falling apart at the seams.

All you can do is sit back and make jokes.

-And it isn't funny.

-At least I was here.

You can get out! Go on, get out.

You've stepped into me shoes at the launderette.

You make a pigsty of my house, but I'm back now and I won't stand it.

So you've got your marching orders.

You can pack your bags and you can get out of my house!

Oh, Oscar, will you, please, stop whining?

Your schoolbag's in the front room.

Thank you.

That's your dad's credit card.

For the BTEC Media course you're starting next week.

Do you remember that college you're going to go to?

-Well, you'll need books, won't you?

-Is this how it's going to be?

-How what's going to be?

-Talking but not talking.

We are talking.

PHONE RINGS

Cup of coffee to take away, please.

No sugar, no disapproving looks.

Ran out of lipstick. Had to buy a new one.

I didn't say anything.

You said plenty. You always do.

How are things?

Well, that's my business, isn't it?

You know where I am.

Cheers.

There you go.

Nice hot cuppa.

-I've decided today is going to be D-Day.

-D-Day?

Dot Day. You're going to sit back while I make a big fuss of you.

Oh, no, you're not! I told you you're out of here by today.

DOORBELL RINGS I've got nowhere to go!

Well, you should've thought of that before.

Before you turned my house into a rubbish dump.

Ian!

Welcome home, Dot.

Ian, have a word with her. She can't just throw me out.

She's had fair warning, Ian.

Dot's spoken.

Oh, my aching feet.

-At last. Here you go, start writing.

-What's this?

-The wedding invites. I need them done today.

-So, do them.

-No.

Some of us need to be at the Minute Mart creating a good impression.

-Where's Tamwar?

-He's out with Kamil. Here. Start scribbling.

-No Brannings, then?

-No. After what they've been up to lately?

I bet everyone's out there talking about it.

I didn't stop to ask.

Anything I can help with?

No, I've got it all covered, thank you.

Yeah, he says that but there's food needs preparing,

the house needs tidying. And, you two, I want it sparkling.

Rashid's coming over.

It's today?

Maybe I'd better help.

-Say cheese.

-Cheese!

Aw, there you go.

D'you know, this really ain't studying for your exams, Abs.

I just needed to get out of the house.

I've got my English lit tomorrow and I can't take anything in.

It's like there's this horrible atmosphere there all the time.

Cheers for that.

Someone broke into the Arches last night,

-smashed the lock and everything.

-How was she?

She was great. I can watch her for a bit longer if you want.

Ain't got to be at work till later, so...

Nah, I'm going to take her out.

You sure? I really... I don't mind.

How's my girl, eh? How's my girl?

Did you miss Daddy Phil? Did you?

Yeah?

So, you're back on the stall, then?

Like your father and your grandfather before you.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess it's come full circle, hasn't it?

Look, I really should be getting back.

I only told Denise I'd be a few minutes.

Oh, what a shame.

Still, it's good of Denise, you know, to cover for you.

Well, she owes me. I'm letting her stay at mine at the moment.

-Happy now?

-Happier.

-You know I'm homeless.

-You made yourself homeless.

Well...

What can I say?

It's been...

..biblical.

Dot, it's great to have you back.

It's a pity that Cora was so irresponsible.

I mean, you'd have thought she'd have known better at her age.

It made me want to turn round and go straight back where I come from.

No, no, no. Not a chance, I am not letting you go again.

Do you think I was right to come back?

Cos now I'm here, I see why I left in the first place.

You mean Joey and Lauren?

Oh, dear, they must be in a state.

-Well, perhaps someone should go round there.

-What me?

-Well, yeah.

-I wouldn't know what to say.

-Look, you've sorted this house out, OK?

So, why don't you go round there and sort that house out? You're Dot.

So have you got any advice on what makes a relationship work?

Er...

Finding a good man. That's about 90% of it.

Denise said it's about being honest,

but sometimes you have to look hard to find the honesty.

She would say that - you haven't met her exes.

To be honest, relationships are about two people clicking.

Like...

two pieces of a jigsaw snapping together perfectly.

I like that.

Did you make it up?

Hi, I forgot my phone.

Regional office said they might call, could be about the job.

I'll be back at lunch time.

I'll... I'll come with you.

Huh, to the Minute Mart?

Yeah, I'll just get changed. Got to post these.

Oh, my little postie, postieman!

He's so adorable sometimes, isn't he? See you!

You're not answering your phone then, no?

I wanted to.

I did.

Look, Lauren, you know, I'd like to hide away an' all.

To have a place where I can just lock everyone out, but I don't.

DOORBELL RINGS

Lauren, there ain't anyone out there you want to talk to, trust me.

BANGING ON DOOR

I'll call you, yeah?

You don't need to. I'm right here, ain't I?

BANGING ON DOOR

Please?

BANGING ON DOOR

Oh, Lauren, I'm so glad you're in. How are you?

I'm so ashamed.

I am so very, very ashamed.

Oh, right.

Well, listen, I need to go get some college books...

No, no. I mean, I'm ashamed of myself.

Cos I should have come back sooner.

I mean, you're Jim's family.

I should've been here, looking after you, caring for you.

Thank you.

Soon, it'll be as if it never happened.

What do you mean?

Time is a great healer, you want to hang onto that.

See, for a minute there, I thought you actually cared.

Oh, I do. I do care.

And I know the root cause of it all. It's the sins of the fathers.

It's visiting the iniquities of the fathers upon the children,

even unto the third and fourth generation.

That's Numbers, chapter 14, verse 18.

Right, well, I need to get on, so...

Look, things like this only make us stronger and wiser.

They show us the paths we should take,

as much as the paths that we shouldn't.

Did you have to hit them speed bumps so hard?

You could've done permanent damage to Denny's neck. Come on, darling.

Well, I tell you what.

Let's run him to the hospital, get him checked out, eh, Denny?

Very funny, very amusing. Right, I'm off to see Lexi.

-So why don't you watch a nice DVD with Jack, yeah? Love you.

-See you.

Not in here.

Kim's rules.

Nice touch.

Oh, yeah, more of Kim's rules.

She told me to make the place more welcoming.

That's the sort of welcome I could do with.

Any chance of putting a freebie through the books?

-You've got a home.

-Not any more. Long story.

-How about it?

-I could. But...

-But?

I'm not liking the but, Patrick.

Look, Kim is on the warpath about collecting rent up front.

A few people did a runner, you know.

I can pay on payday.

I just can't do it. I mean, she's checking up every single day.

I mean, it's not my rule.

Lauren.

-Just don't.

-Don't what?

Whatever you're going to say, just don't say it.

-I can't just ignore it.

-You're going to have to, aren't you?

Have you spoken to Joey?

-Yes. And no.

-And?

-And what?

And what are you going to do now?

I don't think it's any of your business, Alice.

I'm not judging you.

Ain't you?

It's just hard to get my head round.

Careful!

Sorry.

The Vic's open, innit?

Hope so. I'm due in at 12.

You left these behind.

I still can't believe you're working in here.

Oh...hello.

It's all right, I'll pick my stuff up later.

Listen, I've got to go, I'm a bit busy.

-You're popular.

-You'll be in my grave next.

As long as it's rent free.

Another one?

Actually, have you got a bin?

Fill your boots.

Two things, can I have another vodka and coke,

and can you tell people to stop staring at me?

I could just turn off the lights and plunge you into darkness.

Yeah, that could work.

Or I could make you a coffee and hide you out the back.

Excuse me.

Could I have another one of these, please?

You don't want to appear too keen,

but then you don't want to appear too cold, either.

The really important thing, Ayesha, is that you must get what you want

from the man before he gets what he wants.

That is the golden rule.

It lays the foundation for a lifetime of female dominance.

Hey, you took your time. What? Were you hand delivering them?

I got chatting.

Oh, no, you don't.

I've done all the preparation, and now you and Ayesha can finish it off.

You are allowed a lunch break.

No, not when I'm trying for the regional manager's job.

No, I'm not spending my free time with that Dexter, right?

Not tonight, not any night. No. Right? It's a no.

You know the worst thing about love?

We all want it.

But when we get it, it usually goes totally wrong.

Are you trying to be nice?

Well, I don't want you slumped there like that. It's bad for business.

All right, then. I'll go.

I'm only joking.

Of course I'm being nice. Can't help it, I'm a lovely person.

You sure this is a good idea?

We've got to come in sometime, haven't we?

We ain't going to just hide away.

Do you want to get away from my daughter?

-We were just chatting.

-Well, the chat's over.

Please, babe, we've had one big scene in here already this week.

-At least she talks to me.

-What?

Well, I'm here now. You want a natter,

we'll go home, pop the kettle on and have a little chat, you and me.

-It's too late.

-What?

Lauren, your mum's trying her best here.

-Yes, and I don't want it.

-I don't think she means it.

Do you want to keep out of this?

Lauren.

Fine.

I'll see you later. We'll talk then.

I was only trying to help.

What you doing?

Ow!

Sorry, Abs. Sorry.

Yeah, so, anyway, Jay wants to go out tonight.

Well, he said, "No." Like a total "no",

but I'm saying "yes" so he'll do as he's told.

Abs, I thought you had an exam?

Well, yeah, if I don't know it all by now, then I never will.

You fancy coming? We're only going to the cafe.

No, ta, don't want to be a tag along.

No, you won't be. I'm inviting Dexter.

Your cousin? I thought you said Jay hated him though.

Well, he can stop hating him. One bad atmosphere's enough.

Oh!

I got a better idea.

So, what do you think?

Lovely.

No, I meant about tonight. He might be the one.

I've only met him the once. And that wasn't as good as it could've been.

Yeah, well, let's just make sure it's different this time, yeah?

Let's hope it all works out.

Steady.

You need to go home.

You were told to stay away from me.

Do I look like someone who does as they're told?

Come on, you must have somewhere you can go.

A friend's.

No.

Look, it's pretty quiet in here, I'll get Tracey to cover for me.

Why would you do that?

Told you, I'm lovely.

Are you going to go on avoiding me every time you see me?

I didn't, Dot. I had things to do.

Jay.

I need to talk about her.

I need to talk about Heather.

Well, it's all been said.

Not to me it hasn't.

It won't change things.

Course it won't.

But it's coming up for a year now.

And I need to know why.

-What really happened that night, Jay?

-You know what happened.

No, I don't. Nobody has sat me down, nobody's looked me in the eye,

nobody's told me why.

Do I have to do this?

No.

No, I'm just saying, you know, it might help me.

But, of course, you don't have to do it.

Not if you don't want to.

Two seconds, that was all.

One to pick up the frame and the other to hit her with it.

It was a blur. I could never have stopped him.

Yes, but why?

Why did Ben do it? Why?

Ben thought that Heather was the one who grassed him up.

And she wasn't. He lost his temper and I should have grabbed him