07/09/2012 EastEnders Omnibus

And make an effort. You've got to make an effort.

And put your hand up and say please and thank you, yeah?

And don't be nervous. First impressions are very important.

Oscar. Oscar,

you want to look good for your first day at school, don't you, eh?

People remember the first impression.

Right, come on, then.

And you cannot be late.

Because that would be a very bad start.

-And if any of those kids give you grief...

-Yes. Yes.

I'll tell a teacher.

SHE SPEAKS SHARPLY IN URDU

I got you this for your break. I was thinking

-I could give you a lift as well, yeah?

-Yeah.

No. I have said no. I can manage. And I will take him.

Then I have to go to school

and tell them I don't have time to go back next year,

then call the solicitors, then meet the woman doing this Fine Cafe blog

and then I have to try and work out

-why the chippie fryer won't go hot.

-Just give me a break.

OK? I'm trying here. I'm not...

I'm getting back to normal, aren't I?

Lucy, no, please. I can help, can't I?

How you going to know if you don't give me a chance?

Come on.

One chance.

Don't blow it, Dad.

Come on, then, mate.

Kat? Kat!

Problem.

Oh, look.

I know, darling. You'll just have to paint him a little picture.

You can draw him a picture of your first day at school so it feels like he was here, OK?

Go on, then. Good luck.

-You don't understand. He's had a headache...

-Yeah, OK.

Parents this side of the gate. It's school policy, nothing personal.

Promise me, if he tells you he has a headache,

make sure he drinks plenty of water. He gets dehydrated.

-I make sure he drinks lots at home.

-You know they've got taps here?

Yeah, yeah. Or call me!

And I put on the form that he was mildly lactose-intolerant as a baby,

so any problems, just...

Oh, Ian...

-Coffee.

-Huh?

We need coffee. Everyone goes for coffee.

It's like first day at school for the parents,

only we go to a cafe and it's cliquier.

Every single other dad is here. Even Ian Beale is here.

Even I'm here, Max.

That's not something we could've guaranteed a year ago, is it?

No, all you had to do was pick the car up

and then show up here on time.

Yeah? Well, it's too late now, isn't it?

You might as well stay stuck on the M25.

Kat, listen, I know it looks bad, sweetheart,

but you can't go throwing accusations, all right?

-It's becoming an habit with you. You just can't throw the woman...

-Out!

But I invited her.

-Now.

-Now? But I've just found her some apple crumble.

We let you stay here, yeah? He give you a job...

-Kat, she's hardly done it on purpose, has she?

-Done what?

Tommy is covered in little red bumps, and it's not measles or chickenpox.

-I know cos I've looked online.

-It's bed bugs.

-She's infested the whole of upstairs with bed bugs.

-I ain't got bugs.

-To be fair, she hasn't got a bed.

-No, you ain't.

Did you not get my message on Friday?

-You're not welcome here, Shirley.

-Kat, Kat, stop!

Sorry, Shirley, she's just a bit upset.

That's bang out of order, by the way, all right?

Listen, maybe I think it's best...

Thank you for your hospitality.

Can't she just have a little bit of apple crumble before she goes?

Can't she just have a little bath first? That's just common decency.

No! Jean, look!

No, no. This morning instead of this afternoon is...fine.

We're very grateful for your time, Ms Hickey.

"Service" industry. The clue's in the name.

I don't know why I didn't stay at home and have a bacon sarnie,

these prices.

-Because I am treating you.

-Urgh!

No. I can meet you at the tube station. My pleasure.

Well, the Fine Cafe Guide can either make or break a place, Ms Hickey...

Bethan.

Yeah, well, we at Cindy's Cafe look forward to welcoming you

when you can get here.

Service. Come on!

-Service!

-Just go away!

So there I am, waving at the gate. Not even a backward glance.

Still, Oscar's always been quite independent, you know.

Yeah, I think it comes from having older siblings.

I think if Denny's nervous, it's cos he's a little bit sensitive.

Most intelligent boys are.

Still. It's hard with your first, isn't it?

Sort of a big wrench, isn't it? Letting go.

It's easy to get paranoid.

-I beg your pardon?

-Sorry?

I'm paranoid?

Um, no, but...

It's natural, innit?

They do say recognising the problem's half the battle won, so...

-And is it difficult to see where Oscar gets it from?

-Pardon?

Well, attitude.

You're probably not aware, but they pick it up from their parents.

You know, this flippant, disrespectful attitude, and...

No offence, Tanya, but it greatly reduces Oscar's future prospects.

-There's plenty of research to show for it.

-What, from America? Is it different in America?

Is everything perfect in America?

Oh, I'm sorry. One of us has to rise above it.

I will not have my only son's first day at school ruined by you.

Don't worry, his mother'll do that, like she does everything else for him.

See? Even your best friend finds you embarrassing.

And where exactly is your husband

on the most important morning of Oscar's life?

-Actually, Max isn't my husband.

-No?

Sensible man.

SEAGULLS CRY

SHE MOUTHS SILENTLY

(Quick, quick!)

Right.

Mission accomplished. Right, get your kit off.

Luce?

She needs help.

Here we go. Mr Bleeding Heart.

What she needs is a clip round the earhole

-and a lesson in customer service.

-Oh, have some compassion, woman.

The poor girl doesn't know whether she coming or going.

Oh, if that's the case, why is she off inviting cafe guides

to have a look at her dirty little kitchen?

Because she's a kid,

out of her depth.

Didn't you ever mess up at her age?

Oh, do me a favour!

How do you even know this Bed Bugged company is legit?

You want to go DIY. I've got a crate of hairspray in the basement.

Shut up. Anyway, the good news is they can start straightaway.

-The bad news is, it's going to cost you a ton an hour.

-No, Nan.

The bad news is, we've got to shut the pub down

and lose what? A week of takings?

And move out. All of us out of our own home.

No, no. No. Not all of us.

One of us has got to stay behind, to act as bug bait.

Yes, hello, mate, I'm still here. Yeah, it's Alfie...Alfie Moon. Yeah.

Oh...!

For goodness' sake!

Does washing do it?

Does washing everything we own make a blind bit of difference?

This is Phil's fault.

Beer, telly, feet up, eating one of those chocolate bars

-with the crispy bits. I won't even feel the pain.

-Alfie!

For once, can you fight for us?

What you on about?

-How is this Phil's fault? I'll be fine, all right?

-He'll be fine.

-They'll eat you alive.

-No. If he wears his going-out aftershave,

there isn't a bug around that'll touch him.

-I'm not leaving you, Alfie.

-Kat!

Come on, sweetheart.

Hang on to your hormones. I know how you feel about me, darling.

It's only for a couple of days!

-What can we do that Phil hasn't done already?

-Take responsibility.

Face up to what he's done to Shirley, for what he's doing to us.

This is not your fault. It's not right that you're paying for it.

How can I have the love of my life looking like a pepperoni pizza?

HE LAUGHS

Tell you what, how about this? Let's see.

You take this with you.

That's me, you and little Tommy.

Put it by the bed, give it kisses every night before you go to sleep.

No. No, I can't go, Alfie.

Why?

Cos I want to stay with you.

I feel a song coming on.

I know, sweetheart, and I'd love you to stay, but you know...

I'm going to go and do me own packing.

You do that, darling.

Look...

Listen, I know you want to go, all right? Giving me the old flannel.

Tell you what - why don't you take the Christmas money?

OK? What is it they say? Yeah, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

-Come on, take it.

-TOMMY CRIES

Kat, will you stop turning this into a drama, right?

Please, get yourself a room. It's there.

All right, Tommy, I'm coming. Stop scratching. Tommy, I'm here...

SHE SIGHS

He didn't want to know.

Darren.

He didn't even pick up when I called.

WASHING MACHINE HUMS

I find the world looks a lot brighter

with a cup of tea and some toast.

He's moved on.

Heather would've loved to have taken little George

to his first day at nursery, wouldn't she?

You know, I've been where you are, Shirley.

Before I came to Walford.

Hardly recognise myself now.

When Stacey rescued me, she had to break in.

I'd boarded up the windows.

She brought two bags of shopping with her

but couldn't find anywhere to put them

because there were empty wine bottles everywhere.

DOOR HANDLE RATTLES

MO: Jean? What you doing? You need to start packing.

-(I didn't want to be rescued.)

-Who you talking to?

To myself, Maureen. Thank you very much. Won't be long.

Flaming talking to herself again.

I think what you've got to try and hang onto is hope.

Yeah.

That's cos you're a nutter, Jean.

Well, yes.

It does have its advantages.

Eat your toast.

I didn't know where to look. Making a show like that.

Sharon? In the school cafe?

In the school cafe.

She doesn't realise that will be with her for months.

-Years, probably.

-Elephants. Some of those mothers are like elephants.

They'll still be talking about it when he's in year six.

That poor Dennis...Denny child. Honestly, some mothers

-don't know when to step back, do they, Tanya?

-They don't.

Well, they don't.

Bobby!

Bobby!

Bobby!

Bobby!

Oh, you do love him, don't you?

All that snapping and putting Alfie down.

I can read your face like a book, Kat.

Look at you. You're missing him already.

Go on.

What?

Get Alfie some of that chocolate with the bits in.

Well, go on, hurry up.

Me and Fleabags'll meet you over the B&B.

Marie's got a doctor's appointment. We usually share the cleaning,

and meeting you at the train station, I couldn't just leave the place...

..open.

Good morning, madam. Would you like to see our lunchtime menu

or would you prefer to take a seat

and soak up the ambience with a coffee?

Service - that's how it's done, girl.

(You left the keys in the door.)

AND you need a new toilet brush.

What?!

Yeah. Shut until further notice. Not seen the sign on the door?

No...

-OK, OK...

-Masood, make sure Bobby knows!

Ian, you can't park your car outside the school, look at the sign!

I forgot, OK? I...

I didn't forget.

I didn't blow it. Please.

Please, Masood, just make sure Bobby gets that.

It's just an apple, Ian. We've...

There's a bowl in the canteen.

Ian, look, just come in for a while, all right?

Or...or why don't you come over ours later?

Zee's cooking a "surprise" dinner, huh?

Come over. Eat dinner.

-VOICE BREAKING

-Don't be nice to me.

I'm just a waste of space.

Ian?

Come on, Alfie, man, no-one's perfect.

-I held my hands up on Friday night, didn't I?

-Ray, I couldn't see

-for the flying glass and blood everywhere.

-Yes, I admit, all right?

Me playing for the Old Lions was not the best move.

Yes, you playing for the Old Lions got us disqualified. All right?

Yes, yes. But a boycott?

A boycott?

What do you mean? Boycott what?

Michael told me. He said to me

that Derek and the lads are planning on boycotting the Vic because of me.

That is why you're shutting down the Vic, right?

He told me that I'm probably going to have to take a wage cut,

and that's if I even have a job to hang on to.

All a bit extreme, ain't it?

-He's certainly on fire today, my cousin.

-Huh?

OK. Now. The truth is, Ray, you put a lot of noses out of joint.

OK? Which means I have to shut down the pub for a few days...

Whoa, listen, hear me out.

Only till the dust settles, and whatever else needs to settle.

Now it's known as the mighty power of the punter. All right?

So. We'll leave it a week, and we'll say no more.

But...your job's still safe, all right?

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Thank you, mate.

-Feel the love.

-Appreciate it.

-One love. Least I could do, all right?

Listen, I'm really sorry about...

SPRAY HISSES

-What's this?

-OK. Now...

Between me and you - goes no further, keep it schtum -

I'm having a few problems with some creepy crawlies,

little buggy things. But I've got it sorted.

-Yeah.

-Talk to you later. One love, Raymondo.

-Yeah!

-Yeah.

I'm here. I'm here right now, yeah?

CHILDREN SHOUT FROM PLAYGROUND

Just a coffee, then?

I know Zee can get on your nerves. She really gets on my nerves.

FLOORBOARD CREAKS

Ian...

I should leave.

Yeah.

Go inside. First day and that.

Yeah.

As long as you're, uh...

You are all right?

Yeah. Yeah, course.

You should, um...

Have you, er, talked to anyone?

About what?

I don't know.

Your feelings and that?

Well, I don't know, do I?

I'm just saying, that's all. It's...you, your...

your whole "on the streets" thing.

And Mandy.

And Ben...

It's enough to send anyone a bit bonkers.

If this classroom assistant thing doesn't work out,

-you should try counselling.

-Yeah, counselling,

if that's what you need, Ian, there's no shame in talking...

or medication...

or someone to go with you to the doctor's.

It was just an apple!

You just had a fit.

Shouldn't you be laminating a timetable or something?

Fine! Fine. Just...

I know. That's all.

Feeling like a waste of space, lying like it's all right.

Scared to death...

I know how much I would have given

for someone to talk to last Christmas.

And listen.

And your wife...

Your ex-wife, sorry...

..Jane, she was the only one.

HE SIGHS

Because I was that close to giving up.

Yeah, we all know how much you fancied her.

SHOWER TURNS ON

-TV:

-'It's got the garden, bedrooms, reception.

'I think it's hot stuff, basically.

'And then, for the wild card, I've got...'

HE LAUGHS

'Are you ready? Here it is.'

ALFIE: I'd pay for that.

-'What a lovely colour.

-Isn't it?'

Masood! Masood, please, just... please, just wait.

You're right.

She was a kind woman, my fourth wife.

I don't...

I don't feel...

I know it's not right, OK?

I just don't know how to stop it...

Please...please, help me.

'Help me, please.'

THUNDER RUMBLES

RAIN PATTERS

All right, darlin', so what do you fancy'?

-Black coffee, please.

-Er, hello. I think I was first.

We'll have a hot chocolate, please. ..Do we want marshmallows?

Yeah! We'll have some marshmallows on that, thanks.

Can I have some?

No, you can't, darling. They'll rot your teeth.

Mum...

-Mm-hm?

-My tummy's hurting.

Does it, baby? Really?

You are feeling a bit warm, aren't you?

Oh, I knew a woman who breast fed her little boy till he was five.

-I don't want to go to school today.

-Well, you're going to school and that's that.

Still, must be hard doing it on your own, mustn't it?

-Come on, then, Oscar. KAT:

-All right?

You were up with the lark. Wish I had your energy.

No, I couldn't sleep. Neither could he.

He must know something's up.

What?

-Well, he's probably missing his dad, ain't he?

-Oh, yeah. Yeah, he is.

Oh...

All right, fellas. Come in. Sorry, yeah.

This is why I won't let Mrs Moon do any packing for the holiday.

You know what I mean?

-GLASS SMASHES

-It's OK, OK. Don't worry about it.

I'll get a cloth. No harm done.

It's a bit early, innit?

It's medicinal.

What you done to yourself?

You did that to me.

Then let me help you. Come home, Shirl.

Why would I want to do that?

Cos I want you to. Cos your stuff's there.

Yeah, and so are you.

And I wouldn't be able to stand that.

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

You, er... You looking for something, love?

Bobby. You seen him?

You, er, you doing some ordering?

Chips don't buy themselves.

I could do that for you.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Oh, come on, look, I'm more than capable of ordering

a couple of bags of straight cut Maris Pipers, aren't I?

Look, I did OK in the caff and I was all right on the stall, wasn't I?

And I...I took Bobby to school.

Come on, Lucy, I can do this. Please?

It has to be done today.

OK.

-No. Absolutely not.

-Come on, Zee. It's a big deal for him.

Going to see his GP. Someone to talk to.

Ian Beale does not need to see a doctor, all right?

-He needs a good kick up his backside.

-He's mentally ill.

Since when did "I'm feeling a little bit under the weather"

get its own medical diagnosis?

-No, I can't. I've got a shift.

-Oh, come on!

You're on half a day. And I won't be done in time. Please, Zee.

He just needs someone to hold his hand. Someone...

..serene...

stoic...

sympathetic?

-Serene?

-Mm-hm.

All right, fine. I'll do it.

-But I'm not holding his hand.

-OK. Thank you.

He'll have you baby-sitting >

the school guinea pig, if you're not careful.

Well, it would certainly fit right in here in this pig sty.

HE GRUNTS LIKE A PIG

Alfie! Open up! Alfie!

What's all the banging and shouting. What are you doing? Where's Tommy?

-I came to see you! He's with Jean.

-You shouldn't be here.

-Look, he misses you. I miss you.

-I miss you too, darlin'!

-Then let us come home.

-They've not even started yet.

-Taking their time!

-But it's only three more nights till Friday.

Listen, mate, do us a favour, you can set up anywhere you want.

-Just watch the old girl, all right?

-Oi you, Bug's Life.

No, no, no, I don't mean her. I mean the Queen Vic...bust.

Sweetheart, I gotta go, I got a load of washing bags

-with your name on it.

-You're doing the washing?

-Yes! Yes, I'm doing it.

-You saying I don't know how to...?

-No, I left something in there. It'll take me a few minutes to get it.

Yeah, no, darling. You can't, all right. It's a health hazard.

I don't care. Look, give it to me and I'll take it to the laundrette

-in case you shrink anything.

-Like your skirts can get any shorter.

-Oi...

-Ho-ho! Listen, darling, I've got a load of washing to do, OK?

You bagged it up. So leave it to me and I'll catch you up later, yeah?

Don't I at least get a kiss?

OK. One kiss. But no touching.

All right, health hazard, OK? Mwah! Love ya.

Talk to you later!

-TELEPHONE RINGS

-Oh, come on...

-So you got time for a drink?

-I'm a bit busy, actually, Jack.

-Come on, you gotta take a break some time.

-Yeah, but not today.

The Vic's shut, so I'll open from five to try and nick some punters.

RINGING STOPS

-Brilliant(!)

-If it's important, they'll call you back.

-It might have been Denny's school.

-Getting into fights, is he?

Of course not. Look, Jack, I've really got to get...on.

-OK?

-What about after closing?

-What about it?

-The drink?

-Isn't that a bit past your bedtime, babe, hmm?

THEY LAUGH

Trying to have a kip!

KNOCKING ON BACK DOOR

< Ian? It's me, Zainab.

DOOR OPENS

< Hello?

Ian?

Hey, didn't you hear me?

-No, I'm busy.

-Why aren't you dressed? It's the middle of the day.

-Oh...

-Zainab!

-And look at this mess.

-Come on!

-What do you want?

-It's not what

-I

-want. It's Masood.

Apparently, you've some appointment and he doesn't trust you to go?

I-I said I'd do this for Lucy and I'm going to do this for Lucy...

You know, he seems to think the answer is in talking about things.

But that is not the way to solve problems, Ian. The way to do it is to just get on with things.

-That's what I'm trying to do...

-Have you not seen those chat shows on TV?

Where people just shout at each other and it turns into arguments

-and you find out your auntie's your brother and your grandmother's hooked on drugs.

-Zainab, please...

Honestly, Masood! Masood thinks, no, the answer is in "chatting" about everything.

No! Don't touch that!

Ian?

Please... Please, just go, just go!

OK, fine.

But you are coming at three o'clock

and I am going to escort you to the doctor's office, yes?

No.

No, I haven't got time.

Fine.

Well, I've got better things to do with my time than to shepherd a grown man to the doctor's office.

I've got children of my own, you know, Ian!

FRONT DOOR SLAMS

Can't keep away, can you?

Got some lunch.

Lovely bit of chorizo...

antipasti...

-Got a lovely bit of cheese there as well.

-You shouldn't have.

Well, if you won't take a break. Olive?

On one condition...

Yeah?

Oh!

Honestly, fellas, the quicker the better, seriously.

I'm getting a right ear bashing from the missus, and she is not amused.

-Bit like this one 'ere.

-HE LAUGHS

Give us a bite.

Oh, she's so rude!

Can you get out, please?

-POLITE ACCENT:

-Could I see your wine list, please?

I said get out.

Get off your cloud, Heidi.

-Now!

-Make me!

Leave her to me.

But I just want to place an order.

Look, I told you, I don't have a reference number, OK?

Well, I don't. I can't find it!

Hang on, hang on.

Please...

Please, I just want to make an order for Beale's Plaice.

It... It's for Lucy.

You see, I...

I told... I told Lucy I could do this.

MAN ON PHONE: 'Hello?

'Hello, sir?'

Mmm! You should try some of this.

-Yeah.

-MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Yeah, speaking.

Well, is he all right?

I'll be ten minutes. OK.

I knew I should never have let him go.

-Problem?

-I've got to pick Denny up from school.

He's got a tummy ache. I knew something was wrong when he didn't have his breakfast.

If he didn't eat his breakfast, no wonder he's got a tummy ache.

-Sorry.

-Jack, I need you to keep an eye on the place.

-Look, I've got stuff to do...

-Please, babe, it's an emergency. He needs his mum.

-Well, as long as you make it worth my while?

-Fine.

-I won't be long, all right. Cheers.

-See ya.

I thought you were meant to be playing chaperone round about now?

I don't like to interfere where my help is not welcome.

Well, I suppose Mas isn't your husband yet.

-Doesn't matter if you disobey him.

-You know what, he'll get over it.

-But Ian....

-If you are so worried about him, why don't you talk to him?

Because Mas didn't ask me. Besides, the guy's depressed.

Doesn't want someone as full of life as me rubbing it in.

Ha-ha(!) He's not depressed. He is just moping.

Whatever you think.

What he needs to do is he needs to just get on with it.

Yeah, course. I'm sure he won't do anything stupid.

Just...you know, getting on with things.

All on his own.

-Caught ya!

-Alfie! I thought I'd give you a hand with the washing.

-You're not supposed to be up here, all right.

-Seeing as I'm here now...

-No, no, no, you can't touch me!

-I've missed you.

I know.

I've missed you too, all right!

-You OK?

-Yeah, come on.

-No, no, no, we can't...

-Ssh! We can!

-No, we can't! Listen, Kat, we can't!

This place is infested, it's dirty. We can't, all right? We just can't.

Fine.

Look, Kat... Kat, that's not...

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Ian! It's me, Zainab.

Please open the door.

-KNOCKING CONTINUES

-Ian?

Ia...?

Oh, you stupid, stupid man!

Ian, what have you taken?

-Sit up, sit up.

-What?!

-What have you taken?

Nothing!

Oh, thank goodness!

-You stupid, stupid, man!

-What's that for?

For making me think that you'd...

I haven't taken anything.

Good. Because it's not just your life that you'd be throwing away.

There is no point, OK? No point in giving up.

-MUSIC ON TV

-Ian!

-I was watching that.

-I'm trying to talk to you and you're watching cartoons?

Look, I'm fine. Yeah? I'm...

..fine.

What I said before...

I didn't mean it.

Maybe talking isn't always a waste of time.

It's not good to bottle things up inside.

I know what that's like first hand.

I let them down.

Bobby.

And Lucy.

I told Lucy I could... I could do this order and...

I can't find the number!

What, BEALE459Z?

That's what all the fuss is about, is it?

-I couldn't see it.

-OK.

Well, I'm glad that I was of some assistance.

Ian...

..go to your appointment, OK?

Come with me? Please.

She's cremated it.

-Thought that's how you liked it.

-Didn't think you'd remember.

Well, I did.

Here y'are.

What's that?

Some, er...clean clothes, deodorant, toothbrush,

so you can clean yourself up a bit. I'm sorry.

-I couldn't find a decent bag.

-Thanks, but I don't need your sympathy.

Well, you did the same for me, didn't you, when I hit rock bottom, you...

You pulled me back up again.

Yeah, but I didn't put you there in the first place.

I'm trying to help you.

No.

What you're doing is, you're trying to sweeten me up,

so I won't go to the old bill and tell them what you did.

I'm doing this, because you'll end up dead if I don't.

And you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Cos dead girls don't talk.

-I dunno what to say to them.

-Say anything. They'll understand.

It'll be fine.

-Hello.

-You all right?

-Yeah.

Well, have I gone back in time or something?

-Just helping out a mate, ain't I?

-Early doors for this place, innit?

Well, with the Vic being closed, Sharon wants to make the most out of

-all those thirsty punters.

-Oh, very nice of her(!)

-Mmm.

-You knew. Thank you.

-Yes!

See you in a bit.

My mum's got that top.

Has she? Oh, good for her.

It'd look better on my bedroom floor, though.

Not my mum's. Yours, I mean, if you wanted it.

No, thanks.

You just come out of prison?

Last time I heard someone that desperate,

they'd just done ten years in Wormwood Scrubs.

12 years in Farringdon.

Car insurance.

Till today.

Aw, hard luck.

-I'll have another one, please.

-I'm Shirley.

Peter. Pete.

I don't want you to sell me a policy, mate, I want you to buy me a drink.

Vodka and tonic.

And a vodka tonic for her.

Max had a face on him like that when I told him he had to sort his own dinner out.

In the dog house, is he?

Mmm, just a bit.

Well, brawling in his local. He's missed his son's first day at school.

He's always out working late so he can stare at Vauxhall Corsas.

So I said to him, "You can baby-sit while I go out for a nice little drink after work."

Then I found your place was shut, so...

couldn't go home with egg on me face.

I've come here. One drink and then I'm done.

-One's all you're going to be able to afford, at these prices.

-Hmm.

You know, when I was a kid, me and my mates were so skint,

we used to nick our drinks off other people's tables.

Urgh! I'm surprised you didn't catch anything.

I did - Max. LAUGHTER

He said it was one of the things that attracted him to me.

He said I was "trouble he wouldn't mind getting into." Where's yours?

Under quarantine.

-Bit old for chicken pox, ain't he?

-Not too old for bed bugs,

-especially when some tramp brings 'em in your house.

-That's not nice.

That's Alfie's trouble.

He's too nice.

Sometimes, I wish Max had that problem.

She's not a rat. She's a guinea pig.

I am not having one of those filthy creatures in my house.

-I said. Didn't I say?

-I think you'll find they're quite clean actually.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, please, can we have a guinea pig, please?

-Over my dead body.

-I'll take good care of it.

Oh. Ian, please.

Everything all right? Zee said it went well. Doctor...?

Yeah. We...chatted and...he's going to refer me.

Listen, um, these are for you as a thank you.

-For earlier.

-Right. Thank you!

SHE GIGGLES BASHFULLY

Aw, you fixed Ian Beale.

So I'll tell the school it's all right then?

They eat guinea pigs in Peru, you know. All right.

What you doing here? Where's Sharon?

-She's got problems with her kid. Asked me to help out.

-Right.

Tell you what though, Shirley's keeping me in business.

-The amount she's been drinking with that fella.

-What fella?

Dunno. Some random, ain't he?

Hey.

-Oh, right. Yeah, about time.

-Sorry I'm late, Jack.

I didn't want to leave until Denny felt a bit better, you know.

Well, it can't be easy working here and having a little one.

-Not getting to tell him bedtime stories an' all that.

-We're fine.

Look, you can get off, if you like.

Oh. Right. Yeah, I will.

OK.

Jack.

Almost forgot. I said I'd make it worth your while, didn't I?

-Yeah, you did.

-Want to close your eyes?

What's that?

It's the least I can do.

And if ever you want more bar work, give us a shout.

We could do with more strapping lads like you.

Right, I better get off.

Make sure Max hasn't blown the house up trying to work the microwave.

-Not going to have another one?

-Yeah. Why not?

Your round then.

Give you a chance to show off your drink looting skills.

Liars. The lot of 'em. My ex, he was a liar.

He wouldn't know the truth if it came up and danced in his face.

Bet you're not a liar, are you, Peter?

Bet you're a good boy. You tell the truth.

I'll tell you one thing -

-you're gorgeous.

-Yeah, well, I'm going to the bog.

Get us another drink, will you?

Make it a double.

Wasn't thirsty anyway.

Think you've lost your touch, darlin'.

It's funny, innit? Max has been driving me up the wall all week and I still can't wait to go home

-and kiss his bald little head.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

It's like, no matter how much they've been doing your head in,

-they're still the other half of you.

-And you don't know how you ever got on without 'em.

-PHONE BLEEPS Oi oi. Speak of the devil.

-That's mine.

-Is it?

Somebody loves you, do they?

Tell you what, say what you like about Alfie -

a man who makes you smile like that is worth holding on to.

Right, this time I really am going.

See you later.

Still here? You should have your own bar stool.

-As long as I get to sit next to you.

-Always on my feet, me.

Maybe you should have a drink with me. Take the load off.

All three of you.

Maybe another time, eh? I'm working.

I'll hold you to that.

Hey!

You try that again and I'll knock so many of your teeth out you won't be able to laugh.

Now get out.

Leave me alone, you sad lonely little man.

You're making a fool of yourself.

No. I'm having a laugh. There's no crime against that, is there?

Now, covering up a murder, on the other hand...

-What's the matter? You scared, Phil?

-All right, Shirley, keep it down.

This is the one I was telling you about. The liar.

Do you know him?

No, I know his type. When the vodka and desperation don't work on getting 'em into bed, well...

-DOOR CLOSES

-All right, love?

Yeah. Have you been there all day?

No. I...had an appointment.

Wait, you did do the ordering? I said it has to be done today.

Yes, Lucy, I've done it, OK, it's fine. Delivery's coming tomorrow.

That's the order number. Everything's fine.

You did it?

Yeah. Yeah, I got there in the end.

Oh.

Cool.

Thanks, Dad.

Not sharing?

Thanks for the chips and everything but I'm going to go home.

Thought we were getting on.

Yeah, well, I get on with anyone after that many vodkas. Night-night.

Come on, let's go somewhere.

Are you thick or something? I said I wasn't interested.

I was just thirsty.

That's not very nice, is it?

Oi! Oi!

You all right?

Come on, Shirl, let's get you home.

No.

Look at you. You're a mess. You need looking after.

-Oh, what? By you, you mean?

-Yes.

-You're no different from him.

You're drunk.

Seriously, Phil, did you ever really love me?

Or was it just control? Cos love is giving yourself over to someone.

Shirl, I've told you. You're it. You're everything.

You liar.

What?

I said you're a liar. And you've made me a liar. And it stops now.

I'm not keeping your dirty little secret no more.

Shirley.

Shirley!

Yeah, it's me. I got your text. Are you there?

Yeah. I need to nip home first. To the B&B.

Yeah, 'course.

I'll call you back, yeah?

It's Phil Mitchell.

I... I need you to do something for me.

Scarlett asleep?

-Finally.

-Good.

What was that?

What was what?

Well, you just put something in your pocket.

I put lots of things in my pocket when I'm going to work.

Wallet, keys, phone...

-Oi! That's a person.

-I beg to differ with you there.

-He's got a point.

-You should be helping her up.

What, and risk her crying assault? No, the police can deal with this.

OK, I'll move her, OK?

I'm going to get myself a cup of coffee. If she's there when I return...

No, she won't be.

Come on, Shirley, darling.

-Come on, Shirl, you can't stay here. Come on.

-Leave me alone.

Mate. Her breath reeks!

Lister's right, you know, you should just leave her there.

Since when were you two buddies?

It's called compassion, Kim.

And since you woke up in a skip, I'm surprised you're so quick to judge.

What about the shop?

I don't know, I'll swap shifts with Zainab or something.

Well, you can leave me out of it.

Because I just got these done last night

and I'm not going to ruin them for her.

-This is just typical of you. Typical.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Come on, Shirley.

-D'you need a hand?

Oh, yes, please. Thank you.

-Come on, Shirley.

-What?

-Come on, darling.

Yeah, it's Christian.

Come on, darling, here we go. Come on. Come on.

There you go.

It's me. What time you getting here?

Yeah, well, make sure you do.

It'll get better, I promise.

Why can't I stay here with you?

Well, cos school's important.

-And Mummy's got work at the club, hasn't she?

-Pleeeeease!

Ah, let him stay at home.

He'll only start bunking off if he hates it that much.

I think I know what's best for him, thanks, Kat.

Just get me another bottle and put me back where you found me.

You need food, you need something to soak up all that booze.

She's already infested my home. You want bed bugs in here, too?

-Come on, you don't know it was her!

-What you looking at?

You want to have a go at someone, try me.

-Come on, baby, let's get you to school.

-But Mum...

No, we're going. No buts! Go, go, go.

OK, I tell you what, we'll do a shower first, food later.

And stick them clothes in the wash an' all.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Come on, Shirley. I'm surprised you're still here.

We've all seen Alfie's sign.

If Syed did something as sweet as that for me,

I'd be back home like a shot, bed bugs or no bed bugs!

Come on, darling.

Good luck.

You really reckon you can beat me?

You're looking at the poker king.

I reckon you'll be good at that, Jay.

Cos you have to know how to lie, don't you?

Not even going to say hello?

You all right, Shirl?

I'm never better.

Don't need to ask how you are though, eh. Ticketyboo.

-That's not true.

-True?

What would you know about the truth?

What's that on your hands, Jay?

Oh, yeah, blood.

What's the point, eh?

Yeah, go on, run!

Not one of your better ideas.

You all right?

Yeah. What's up?

Well, I thought you might want to spend a bit of time with Scarlett.

Yeah. Oh, now?

I'm a bit indisposed. Got a few appointments and stuff.

Well, I'm sure me and Billy could cover it, can't we, Billy?

Yeah, yeah. Go on, give her a break.

Lola's shattered and she's half her age. No offence.

He's right, I'm exhausted, Michael.

Please, if you don't do it for Scarlett, then do it for me.

Bye-bye, sweetpea.

HE MUTTERS

I knew it!

You all right?

Oww.

Sorry.

You're no Nicky Clarke, are you?

You seen the state of his hair?

Why you being nice?

I don't know, I must be going soft in my old age.

Saint Denise to the rescue. Ain't I lucky.

Well, I don't see the point in kicking someone when they're down.

And let's face it, eh, we've all been there.

But you know what, you don't give up.

Look what's happened to Ian.

Yeah, well, I ain't like him. I would've done the job properly.

Oi, don't start talking like that!

Five years ago, I would have put the bottle

back in your hand and told you to just get on with it. But now...

Now what? What's changed?

Oh, I have.

And so have you, whether you like it or not.

Now, you've made a lot of mistakes, Shirley, in the past,

with Kevin and with your kids, yeah,

but in your own kind of messed-up way,

you've done your best to put it right.

And that's the best that any of us can do, innit?

Don't mean I like you though.

SHE LAUGHS

Here you are.

Finish your coffee, I'll go and sort you a room out.

Dee, Dee.

I understand you're trying to do the right thing, but what about Jay?

He's just getting back to his old self.

OK. OK, so it's not easy for him,

but none of that's Shirley's fault, is it?

Look, look, now she's sobering up,

I think she'll be a lot more reasonable.

But they're never going to sort things out

if they don't at least face each other, are they?

Alfie?

Alfie?!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

Where you going?

-Where d'you think I'm going? I'm moving back in.

-No, you can't.

The place ain't habitable for another day.

The B&B won't be either if Shirley sticks about.

I don't think it's right that we're over there and you're here.

Sweetheart, and I miss you both loads, OK,

but you can't do nothing till tomorrow.

Now go and enjoy the sun. Go on.

You can't breathe in the fumes! Go on.

Go, go, go, go, go! I'll talk to you later, all right?

Love you.

TEXT ALERT

It's meant to be my day off.

What can I do? She's dumped her on me,

and she's getting grouchy cos it stinks of boys in here.

All you have to do is just keep an eye out.

Pop in, pop out, you know the deal.

All right, fine, but you owe me.

Yeah, yeah, fair enough.

So it's just a normal training schedule today.

All this lot are in.

Got that usual guy coming over for the security system.

You couldn't take him over the R&R, could you?

-Cos the alarm's playing up.

-See, now you're pushing it, ain't ya?

Fair enough. I'll just let Sharon deal with it.

She's over there on her jack but there you go, it's all right.

All right, leave it with me.

HE LAUGHS

You never could resist a blonde, could you?

They ain't all blondes, mate. You just take care of your daughter.

SHE SIGHS

Maybe if you told me what you're looking for, I could help you.

I've been looking all over the place for you.

Come back to the B&B now, man.

Look, Shirley will calm down, y'know.

I ain't scared of her.

Then come back with me, let's play cards like we planned.

Don't really feel like it. Maybe tomorrow.

Denise offered Shirley a room. You OK with that?

-If she's staying, I should leave.

-And what'll that prove?

Listen to me, son, running away, it's never the answer.

Shirley don't need me in her face, reminding her.

Is that what you're really worried about,

or is it that she's going to be in YOUR face, reminding YOU?

Look, now, man, I loved Heather like a daughter, you know that.

You think it was easy for me to forgive you?

No, of course not.

But I did. Because you told the truth in the end.

And the right person is now in jail.

Look, once Shirley's thinking straight,

she'll realise that you're just as much a victim as she is.

And everything can go back to how it was before?

No. No.

But maybe if you look her in the eyes and tell her you're sorry...

..you can both find some peace.

I'm trying to find out if a company cheque has been cashed yet.

It's £20,000.

Cheque number is 004521.

Well, how long does it normally take?

Thanks for nothing!

I told you, if he only wrote it today,

it won't have gone through, will it?

Yes, thank you, Billy!

Here's an idea, it might seem a bit radical,

but why don't you just ask Michael what he wants the money for?

SHE LAUGHS

-Yeah, cos it's that simple, right.

-Well, yeah, it could be.

Says the relationship expert.

HE SIGHS

Hear the boy out.

Oh Dee, Dee, Dee, Jay's back.

Go on, then, say what you've got to say.

Look, I could make a million excuses for what I did.

Covering up for Ben.

But there ain't a million excuses, is there?

All I can say is I'm sorry.

I really am.

But I haven't got off lightly like you think I have.

It haunts me every minute of every day...

..just like you said it would.

I just can't stop thinking about Hev...

..how she went quiet all of a sudden...

..how she looked after...

-I can't hear anything.

-Maybe that's a good sign.

You stand there and you tell me how bad you feel.

What do you want me to say? "There, there, Jay. Poor little Jay"?

I want you to feel bad for the rest of your life!

Just let him go, Shirley!

You and Ben being put away for ever is not enough for me.

I'd like to see you swing for what you did.

-Let him go, Shirley!

-All right, all right, all right.

Jay, just leave us alone. Please leave us alone.

Shirley, you can't go on like this. It's going to eat you up inside.

She's right.

And Jay...he's just a kid.

Don't be fooled by that. He's old enough to take responsibility.

He knows more than anybody what it's like to lose someone.

Yes, but he's lost someone too. He's lost Hev!

And his mum and his dad and Phil, and now you.

Oh, Shirley, look, enough lives have been ruined by this already,

what's the point in ruining another?

I am not... I'm not going to turf Jay out, Shirley,

so if you're going to stay here

then you're just going to have to find a way to forgive him.

So, just to clarify then in my tiny little mind,

you're freaking out cos I wrote a mysterious cheque.

Only, it's not mysterious, because I filled the exact, precise amount

in the stub and then put the cheque book back in the drawer

where the cheque book lives.

Fine, so why did you act so shifty when I came in this morning?

-I didn't.

-Yes, you did. And you said that you had appointments all day.

I looked in the book, you didn't have any.

Look, I just need to know what you are spending my money on!

Ah, there you go. Well done. Your money. Lest we forget.

Why don't you come with me. Come on. Come on.

What? What are you doing?

OK, that's what I'm talking about.

That's what I was going to pick up this afternoon.

I don't understand.

That'll be a Porsche then. It's a present.

Surprise.

I can't forgive him, I haven't got it in me.

All those lies that he told. What me and Andrew,

Dot and you, what we went through, not knowing,

nothing can make that right.

Well, if that's how you feel,

then maybe you don't need to just leave this house. Well, you know...

..maybe you need to think about just leaving Walford.

Yeah, before it screws you up for good.

-Hang on.

-No, don't you see, Patrick, that being here,

she's just stuck in limbo?

Shirley, every time you look at Phil and Jay,

and you think about Hev and what happened,

then, darling, you're never going to move forward, are you?

You need to give yourself a chance to heal, somewhere new.

Yeah.

I don't need another car.

Since when d'you limit yourself to things you need?

We can't even get the kid in it.

She'll be fine.

Most men buy flowers when they've got a guilty conscience.

God only knows what this means that you've been up to.

When I married you, I promised you a beautiful, perfect life,

full of beautiful, perfect things. And that's what this car signifies.

Me trying to make good on that promise, yeah,

it's a sexy, sleek car for my sexy, sleek wife.

It's £20,000 of MY money.

It's a little bit excessive, don't you think?

And which friend did you say you got it from anyway?

You know what? If you don't like the car, flog it!

So where you going to go, your sister's?

I ain't thought that far.

Wait a minute.

It ain't much, but...

I can't take your cash.

Come on. It'll help.

Please.

Thank you, Denise.

Well, it's...

It's been interesting knowing you.

Been through a lot together, ain't we?

Come here.

I truly hope you find some happiness somewhere, you know?

-Wherever you go.

-Thank you.

Here, you can put those towels she used in the wash

with some of this, yeah.

It's for pets but I think it can be used for humans.

Kim, I brushed her hair, there were no bugs!

Look, I ain't taking no chances!

It'll get better, Denny, I promise.

Now, Michael isn't here, so you can spend all afternoon with Mummy.

Now, I've got to count the bottles in the bar,

so why don't you do some nice drawings for me, eh?

And if you miss me too much, you can see me on the TV,

-but I'll come back to check on you, OK, darling?

-OK.

-Good boy.

SHE SIGHS

TEXT ALERT

Sharon?

PHONE RINGS

R&R.

No, he's not in today.

Yeah, all right, I'll pass on the message. Yeah, bye.

Shirl.

I'm leaving Walford.

But before I go, I think we should have a drink and a chat.

Shirl, we can't keep opening up old wounds.

It's not good...for either of us.

Never were much of a talker, were you?

How about a drink, then? Wouldn't deny me that, would you?

For old times' sake.

Oh, babe, it is crawling with bugs in there.

They reckon that's where it started.

So unless Shirley slept there last night,

looks like she's innocent after all.

Can't all be bad.

The other boys ignore me.

What about the girls?

One's OK. Her name's Evie. She let me have some of her sweets.

Well, that's a start.

There's nothing wrong with getting in with girls, believe me.

She pretty?

S'pose.

-I'll bet she's not as pretty as your mum.

-She's the best.

Yeah, she's the most important person in your life.

But you've got to be your own man an' all,

that means making an effort at school.

Cos the better you fit in there,

the sooner your mum's going to stop worrying about you.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

-I wondered where you'd been hiding!

-Dirty under there. You want to get the cleaners on it.

Can I have a word please, Jack? Outside.

You ever need to talk, uncle Jack's always here.

Won't be a minute, baby, OK?

What's wrong with you?

This is good stuff, it's the best.

I got it specially. And you won't even have one glass?

You know that I can't.

Next you'll be telling me that you don't even think about it any more.

Don't tell me that you're not longing for one mouthful.

Maybe I should have bought some crack,

wouldn't say no to that, would you?

A crack comedown, that'd bring you somewhere close to my level.

Is that what this is all about, getting me in the same state as you?

Well, I'm already there, Shirl. Cos I've lost everything too, haven't I?

You think I like rattling around this place on my own?

Ain't enough.

You ain't on your knees...

..you ain't broken.

You wanted me back here, well, here I am!

But this time, for once, it's going to be on my terms.

Go on, Phil. Just one mouthful.

To prove to me that it weren't all a lie.

If you loved me, you would.

It's because I love you that I can't.

This isn't the way, Shirley.

Fine.

More for me.

-I was just trying to help!

-He doesn't need any self-appointed uncles dishing out advice.

And one night of passion does not qualify you for the job, understood?

All right, I stepped out of line.

Too right you did.

That was one hell of a night though, weren't it?

I'd say average.

Come on, it was more than average!

Right now, there's only room for one man in my life, Denny.

So if you don't mind...

Well, I've got somewhere I've got to be anyway.

But don't think I'm giving up, cos right now ain't for ever, is it?

Where are you? Good.

Well, she ain't at the B&B no more, she's at mine.

So get here as soon as you can.

I need to get out of here.

No, stay. Where else you going to go?

Anywhere. Anywhere away from you.

Shirl, stay. We can talk, like you wanted to, yeah?

DOOR SLAMS

KNOCK ON DOOR

Yeah all right, hold on, hold on.

You all right? Kat, sweetheart? What you doing here?

You're not supposed to be here.

We're coming home, all right! We miss you, I miss you.

I'm not spending another night over there again.

-We belong here, all of us.

-I know, I know.

I'll even wear this if I have to.

THEY LAUGH

Come here, you big softie.

Do you want to come to Daddy? Come on.

Tell you what, I suppose I could probably

put some beds in the hallway, make it a bit safe for us, eh?

As long as you promise though to wear this when we're on our own.

-SHE LAUGHS

-You little minx.

I don't want no help, I've told you!

Carly?

Same old Mum.

Carly.

Carly! Don't go! Please, don't go.

You can't just let extra guest stay and not tell me!

-Kat's moved out. It's not a problem, is it?

-Kat's moved out?

Look, Dee, there are systems.

And after systems, there are rosettes.

Hot squash, please. Denny's still not feeling too good.

Yeah? He looks all right to me.

So he's having the day off and he'd like a hot squash.

-Well, that would depend if Dee's late-night guest hasn't drunk it all.

-Oh, give it a rest, Hyacinth.

-It's not like I ain't got waifs and strays already.

-You'll give a man a headache.

-How many rosettes you get for that?

-Does this wallpaper say dosshouse?

Does it?!

I will get your squash.

I'm still waiting to know who's so important

that you had to break my system?

SHE SQUEALS

You've come to see Auntie Kim!

Nobody told me you were coming.

-You want a coffee?

-I want vodka.

I'm trying to help you, Shirl.

That's why I called Carly.

-What?

-There.

-What is it?

SHE LAUGHS

-Ow.

-Daddy. Look.

-It was your idea to eat in bed.

-Midnight feast?

-Oh, yeah, yeah, darling. Just a spur of the moment thing, that's all.

-We didn't think you'd want to join us...

-You don't need to explain.

I was married once. I do remember spur of the moment things(!)

-No, Jean. It's nothing like that, darling.

-No, no.

Health and safety, Alfie. Fire exit.

I think we all need to be back in our proper places

before Shenice gets back.

(WHISPERS) Shenice.

OK. Well, try again with her, yeah?

-Just one last time.

-There's just too much water.

So why did you come?

Phil said she was killing herself. I wanted to see if it was true so...

Hey. That's not the Carly I know.

She looks like such a mess.

You, er...

You were about to give birth

and, um, then you did...

..and so I haven't told you everything.

Here you are. Get that down you.

I found you out cold in the street.

Just get me a vodka, will you?

Just...

Just ring her.

Yeah, and get her to come all the way back here

just to see me in the gutter again?

-She's still your daughter.

-I don't think she sees it like that.

Here, Shirl.

Shirl, you've got to find something to live for, haven't you?

I used to. I used to have something to live for.

You.

Hev, Ben, Jay.

I'll clear this up.

One of them's dead.

One of them killed her.

And the other two covered it up and lied to me.

So having something to live for,