14/09/2012 EastEnders Omnibus

Don't you move, Kat. I promised you breakfast in bed, didn't I?

So you better be in it when I come in. I mean it!

I've got a kipper here, I'm not afraid to use it.

Oh, another toy. Just what she needs.

Great.

You know, when I gave this to her she had a happy look on her face...

almost grateful in her own little way.

Can you blame me for my reaction?

You've hardly got the best track record

when it comes to trust, have you?

Can we just stop this? I'm so tired. All this dis-trust.

It's just... Can we put it behind us, please?

Can we just start again? Today. Start afresh?

You need to snap out of this.

Cos otherwise, what is the point?

Alice? Alice! Angel, wait up a minute.

Listen - seeing that you've got a half day today I thought

we could go and do something special, just the two of us.

No thanks.

Oh, come on, Alice, don't keep this up. Anthony was an idiot.

He wasn't right for you.

Look, you tell me this, right. If you'd have got together,

how would he provide for you?

Buy you a meal every time he done a house clearance?

I've seen guys like him all my life.

He'd have gone out one night, gambling, to the dogs,

and he would've lost you your home.

I'm sorry, I'd have been failing in my duties as a father.

So, you admit you got rid of him?

No. No. I never said that.

You're putting words into my mouth. It was his own shame.

That's what drove Anthony away.

It had nothing to do with you bullying him?

It's all you know, isn't it, intimidation, stealing?

See? You've no idea of the damage you do.

Listen,

I know I make mistakes.

It-It's this thing I do...

a defence mechanism. You know? To keep people out.

But then you... You broke through all that.

Please. Give me one more chance.

We'll meet in the Vic later, eh? We'll talk?

I just want you to stop interfering in my life.

I will.

I give you my word.

Have you seen Tommy's teddy? Keeps him occupied when I'm feeding him.

I haven't sweetheart. I'll have a butchers later.

'Ere, why don't I write on the poster, "We are now bedbug free?"

Have a picture of a bug with a big smiley face like that?

I don't think people need reminding. I know I don't.

Yeah. No, you're right.

I was thinking I might show Fatboy the ropes today? Come in handy behind the bar, extra pair of hands?

Don't go building his hopes up. We haven't got any spare shifts at the minute.

No, don't worry. Won't make a promise I can't keep.

MOBILE VIBRATES

Someone keeps trying to sell me loft insulation,

-They won't take no for an answer.

-I'll talk to them if you want? If you go to phone settings

-you can bar all them calls.

-Yeah, I might do that.

-The sooner you do it, the sooner they'll get the message.

-Yeah.

You'll be all right on your own today, won't ya?

I just got a few things to do.

Yeah, course I will,

I'll have Fats all trained up by the time you get back.

What?

Nothing.

Are you going to phone him or what?

Yeah, you're right. I better get on. Right. See you later, sweetheart.

-Love you.

-See you later.

Are you sitting here like Jay-no-mates?

Be about right, wouldn't it? I'm losing everyone lately.

-Shirley, Ben, Abs....

-Shirl's coming back, ain't she?

You got me and Lexi, in't ya?

Wasn't what you said the other week, was it?

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

I just...freaked out a little bit. That's all.

Look we got big plans today. We're going to go to the park,

go on the swings and a little ice-cream.

You can't get more exciting than that, can you?

You up for it?

Yeah. Sounds great.

Good.

Here he is! Oi, oi!

THEY LAUGH

Look at him.

Bet that's full of antiques. You want to get that geezer off the telly down - get it all priced up.

Marvellous, ain't it? I slog my guts out for a living and you, you win this in a card game.

What can I say. Lady Luck was smiling down on me.

What you talking about, she was smothering you. If you fall in the Thames, you'd come up with a salmon.

Listen, I don't want this broadcast, all right? Not till the dust settles.

You know what they're like around here. But that's not to say

I'm not going to share my good fortune with my nearest and dearest.

Eh? Drinks are on me tonight. What d'you say?

I'll have to think about that. See ya later.

What's the matter with him? Bit morose, ain't he? Can't be getting his vitamins.

He ain't getting something.

Bird trouble, ain't it? Usually is with him.

Right. Better get back.

-Abi's first day at sixth form this morning.

-Ah, bless.

I told her, you'll be all right.

Put in the hard work, you reap the rewards.

Exactly.

-All right, Del. See ya later.

-Cheers mate.

-All right?

-Where's Michael?

Had to pop out.

Oh. When he comes back, will you give him this? It's urgent.

It's unopened. You might just want to point that out.

-Right.

-Yeah.

Me and my little bundle of joy are going to go and get pampered...

make ourselves beautiful for Daddy.

Nice one.

...Fifty makes two.

You enjoy those bananas and you make sure you tell all your friends, yeah?

You know what? I really admire you, Ian. I do.

Out here in all kinds of weather, facing up to the big supermarkets.

Good, honest work. What made this country great.

Now you're passing that work ethic onto your kids?

Young Lucy, carving her way in the world? Commendable.

Very commendable, Ian.

I know about you taking the money.

Go on.

How would you like it if that was your daughter?

I wouldn't.

You know, I respect that. I really do.

You speaking your mind like that.

You're right,

I did a very bad thing. I got no excuses.

That's why I think I should make it up to you.

Hiya. Janine said to give you this.

Said it's urgent and to tell you that she hadn't opened it.

A miracle in itself, Bill.

PHONE RINGS

Hello. I was beginning to think you're having second thoughts.

Yeah.

Wait till you see this really cute

and ridiculously expensive outfit I've bought for our little princess.

I was thinking, maybe we could have lunch, in about half an hour?

Nah...

I can't. Won't be back in time.

I'm up in London Bridge, looking at a property.

You're at London Bridge? Are you there right now?

Yeah. Tell you what, why don't you and Scarlett have the day together...

spend a bit of quality time. We'll do something another time.

We'll do something another time.

Probably got a little surprise planned or something.

Now, let's put that in there as well. Here you go.

No, no, no. You put your money away, love. This is on me.

And take some of these,

you got to keep up your five a day, haven't you, eh?

Nice to see ya. All the best, look after yourself.

Well, well, well. I think that should cover it.

Well, Ian, you've had an extremely profitable day.

And a very short one. That calls for a drink.

I swear to you, I don't know where he is.

He just said he was going out.

London Bridge? It was a lie.

He was on the phone to some woman. I think.

-Then he just left.

-What woman?

-How should I know? He don't tell me nothing.

-How do you know it was a woman?

Sounded like he was talking to a woman.

-You know, the way he was speaking to her.

-Flirting?

Yeah. I mean, no. No, no, no.

Just didn't sound like a bloke talking to another bloke.

So, he was on the phone, flirting with a woman, and then he left...

No, I never said he was flirting.

I need an address, Billy, otherwise it is goodbye.

I've sacked you once before, do not think that I won't do it again.

-What? Come on, Janine, I need this job.

-Then you'd better start thinking!

I swear to you, I don't know where he is!

BABY CRIES

Janine, listen, listen.

He might have said something about George Street.

Janine! Janine!

CRYING CONTINUES

Janine.

Janine? Ain't you forgotten something?

Oh. I am so sorry.

I am so, so sorry. I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Oi, Kat!

You better not be shopping without your wing woman?

Come on, let's see.

Oh, I got the same in white for the bride on her wedding night.

So, I'm trying this on and Ray comes in and says, "You should be getting married."

And I say to him, "I had to see you one last time!"

I get it. Now I know why I've hardly seen you since you two got together.

Well, I've hardly seen you! Like a hermit.

You sure you should be out in the daylight?

I've just had a few things on. But I'm back now, ain't I?

Back to normal, have some fun.

That's my girl. All right then. What about tonight then?

Unless you and Alfie's got some games planned? y'know, milkmaid and the barrow boy?

-No. See you at eight in the R&R? Yeah?

-Yeah. Listen, don't be late.

-Cos we got some serious catching up to do. Yeah?

-Yeah.

-All right then.

-See you later.

-Yeah, see you later.

-There we go.

-Nice one, Fats.

Might want to scrape a bit of that froth off otherwise we'll have to stick a Flake in it.

Will that be all, Mr B?

And a drop of Gold Watch please, Alfred. Make that two.

Oh, no, I try not to have spirits at lunchtime, it kind of knocks me sideways.

-Large ones.

-Third left from the gin, Fats.

It's not like you've got a stall to worry about today, is it?

What with it being empty and all.

See the posters have worked then?

Hello sweetheart. Yeah, better than last week, ain't they?

Business as usual. Yours truly behind the bar,

with my gorgeous wife and, of course, my apprentice barman.

How's he doing?

He's a natural, ain't he. Cos he's learnt from the best, of course.

What's that old saying, "Like a duck to water?"

This is like Fatboy to the bar!

You're looking very radiant this weather, Kat. Almost glowing.

You must be doing something right, Alfie.

He could teach you a thing or two.

-Kim's asked me to go to the R&R tonight. Is that all right?

-Yeah, course it is, sweetheart,

you go and enjoy yourself.

I'll just have these, then I'll be off. Yeah.

No, you won't. I wouldn't hear of it.

Hard working guy like you

needs a bit of fun every now and then, don't he?

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

What is your daddy doing, eh?

I thought he'd changed for us,

but he is just going to go on lying,

cheating, and treating me like a complete idiot.

DOOR CLOSES

The front door was...open.

You'd make a good dad, you know.

Shut up.

You would. Most boys get all weird round babies.

They can sense it. She definitely likes you.

She tell you that, did she?

-Lexi, say da-da.

-Leave it out, will ya.

-Da-da.

-Get off.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-If that's Billy going to give me another earache...

He's at work. He's got a key, anyway.

Hi, Lola.

Oh, hi. I weren't expecting social services.

It's just a drop by visit. Is this a convenient time?

Umm...yeah sure, come in.

Cup of tea?

-There you go.

-Thanks.

Do you think he loves me? Even just a little bit?

Yeah. Yeah. Course he does.

He married you, didn't he?

Then why does he keep doing this?

I don't know.

Why don't you just ask him straight?

Because he's the best liar I know. I've given him everything, Billy.

You've only been married three months, and you look miserable.

If you're not happy, Janine...

..you're the only that can do something about it.

There we go, sweetheart, all right. If you need me, just call.

Look, I've really got to go.

No, what you talking about? It's your day off.

Relax. Have another one.

Trace, Trace, same again here please, my darling.

You said that was the last one.

-Alfie?

-Yes, darling?

I found this in the bin with the food waste.

Oh stick it in a glass. Belongs to a punter, don't it?

Kat.

Why is it, when you can't have something,

you can't think of anything else?

Been a whole week since I had a pint in my local.

Maybe it's not the pint you're missing, Jack.

Maybe it's the company?

You all right?

Hello, darling, how are you? Hello, Lauren.

Just having a drink with my old mate, Ian, here. You all right?

Yeah.

Hello, ladies.

We got your text. So, you're really the new barman?

Absolutely. Gimme a few days, and I'll be mixing those cocktails, Tom Cruise style, you know.

Well, if you want to experiment, we'll be your guinea pigs.

Kat, what's this?

Key to some bloke's heart?

So, your Lucy and my Joey, eh?

Do you know what,

I would never have put those two together in a million years.

Tell you, there really is no accounting for my Lucy's taste.

I couldn't agree more.

I just hope my Joey realises what a money grabbing,

little chip off the old block your daughter really is,

before she whisks him up the aisle and skims him for every penny he's got.

-I think I'd better go.

-I think you better had.

You've had enough out of me today

-you parasite!

-Oi.

Well. He's just been bad mouthing your brother, darling.

Honest, he has!...

Jack?

Better be off. But I'll see you tonight at the R&R?

Er, yeah. Yeah. Cool.

Cool. It's a date.

Fats was going to make us cocktails.

Well, I don't think you'll be winning any

-prizes for father of the year.

-No.

Here, that drink you were talking about,

let's make it down the R&R tonight, eh.

Bored with this place.

Any prizes for guessing why?

Does Lexi still have the nappy rash?

Yeah. I mean, I do put the bum cream on.

You should see a doctor soon as you can.

You might need a stronger cream.

-Hello!

-Hi, Mr Mitchell.

Nice surprise.

So, what have I missed?

Hey, foxy mama! Bit of a dark horse, ain't ya? Come here.

It was meant to be a surprise.

I like it, it's beautiful.

I've got an idea. Why don't you and Kim go out another night?

I'll get Jean to look after Tommy, light a few scented candles,

maybe get a nice little bottle of plonk, eh?

D'you reckon we'll have nights of passion like this when we're in our 70s?

I can't even see beyond next week and you're talking about wrinkly love?

Hey! Don't be silly. Nah, you're going to be one of them, like, glamorous grandmothers,

you know, what's that one -

oh, Sophia Loren and the other one....Helen Mirren.

Yeah. With slap two inches thick to fill in the wrinkles.

Nah. You'll be the belle of the tea rooms.

"I love you Alfie". Imagine years to come.

We used to talk about it all the time, didn't we?

Wandering down Southend Pier.

Flasks of tea, sandwiches in a Tupperware container.

BABY CRIES JEAN: Kat? Alfie?

S'all right, I'll get him. Loving this, you know.

-Might even get myself a leather thong.

-Alfie!

I'm coming, hold on, hold on.

Bye, Mr Mitchell.

Bye. Yeah. Thanks for coming.

-See you again sometime. Yeah.

-Jay...

You think this is funny, do ya?

I warned you to stay away, Jay.

-I'm not going to tell you again.

-Will you just lay off him, Pops.

Lola, he's facing serious criminal charges.

If they know you're knocking about with him,

they'll take Lexi off of you. Come on, Jay, play the game, all right?

Stop thinking about yourself.

He's right.

You can't afford to be around me. No-one can.

Maybe it's best we don't see each other anymore.

You ain't getting rid of me that easy.

I mean it, Lola. Just stay away.

I'm bad news.

-MUSIC BLARES

-Can't believe you roped me into this.

That's why we're here, ain't it, so he can keep tabs on Alice?

Lauren keeps giving me dirty looks. Must think I'm doing the same.

Here, you want to watch that Fats.

Wouldn't trust him with my girl.

I just thought it'd make a change from The Vic.

Drink up and I'll get us another bottle.

I'd rather have a nice, quiet pint.

-This music is doing me head in.

-No wonder they call you two the Chuckle Brothers.

Tall bloke at the bar is checking you out.

Yeah? Then lets give him something to remember.

Come on!

What can I get you?

Oh, service with a smile would be nice.

Another bottle of bubbly.

Joey, Sharon about?

Night off. Want me to give her a message?

No, you're all right, mate.

Well you certainly haven't wasted anytime have ya?

Anthony's only been gone five minutes and you're steaming in already.

Nah, Mr B, It's nothing like that. Alice?

-Dad, leave him alone?!

-You've been staring at him since you come in. What's your problem?

Think she's easy meat, do you, cos she's on the rebound?

-I swear, it's nothing like that.

-You keep your hands to yourself, you.

Never change, will you?

I was watching Fats earlier, chatting all them girls up.

Silvertongue, giving it the swagger, giving it large...

Michael, remember when we used to be like that?

Yeah. Then reality kicks in, don't it?

You realise that all that laughing, all that joking,

all that Dunkirk spirit,

it's all just a witty prologue to an extremely long and boring book.

Just a theory.

-All right, Michael.

-All right?

How's Janine?

Fine, I suppose. Haven't seen her all day, Billy. Why?

No reason.

Missing your quiet night in?

Nah. She'd already made arrangements to go out anyway, darling.

Ah, she got a better offer has she? Playing second fiddle now?

Michael, stop with the second fiddle stuff, all right?

She'd already made arrangements to go out.

She'll be back before closing then she can give me

all the thanks she needs.

Lucky you, yeah?

Cheers, see you later.

It's me. I'm here.

yeah. I'm waiting.

Perfect timing. dinner is ready, and I cooked your favourite.

Lamb.

Where's Scarlett?

Shh, you'll wake her.

What's... what's going on?

It's exactly what you wanted, Michael.

It's day one of a brand new start.

Trust me, things will be very different from now on.

Just going to change.

Billy. Hi.

Yeah, look, I just wanted to say thank you for your advice.

It's very sweet of you to be concerned.

But you don't have to worry, OK?

Cos I can look after myself.

DOOR CLOSES

BABY COOS

Kat, it's your turn...

Where the hell have you been?

There you are.

Couldn't sleep.

Me neither.

Yeah, so I just came downstairs.

That's funny. I came downstairs too.

I went for a walk.

It was the middle of the night.

That's the best time, I find, for a stroll.

Anyway. Just going to go and put some breakfast on.

Good night last night, weren't it? Almost.

I know, sorry about my dad.

Yes, well, adults - they're the worst things ever invented, I think.

-Surprised he's not down here bellowing out Frank Sinatra in our faces.

-Yeah.

Actually, that's weird, now you mention it.

Weird? No. It's a blessing.

Yeah, but it's not like him. He's usually up at the crack of dawn.

Yeah well, enjoy it, that's what I say.

Did you hear him come in last night?

No. Did you?

No...

No, I didn't. Dad?

Dad?

Tommy, Tommy... Hello, mate...

Whoa, come here. What you doing? Have you filled your nappy?

Kat, we've got a live one here, darling.

Kat?

Two makes five. Thanks. Have a nice day, yeah?

I've got all your superfoods here, got your blueberries, your blackberries.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, super. Nice...

-Yes, love?

All right. All right, what you pushing me for?

This I've got to see.

Babe, maybe tomorrow, yeah?

You're still sweating gin.

No. You two got a deal - she runs, she gets to burn some serious excess,

and then she becomes Miss World.

That can still happen.

-All right. OK. But we'll start easy, yeah?

-All right.

Let's go!

Whoa! Where you going?!

"Run, Kimberley, run!"

Shut up, man.

-Ian? You ain't seen Kat, have you?

-Bit early for your missus, ain't it?

Yeah, what I was thinking.

-What's the matter, Alf? You lost something?

-Just a wife.

You couldn't do us a favour, could ya?

I need an hair of the dog. All got a bit messy last night.

Go on, help yourself.

That's what I like about you, Alfie. You're a very accommodating man.

Thank you.

Stop! Come back here!

Stop that man!

MOBILE RINGS

Kim? Kim, will you speak to me?

I'm... I'm dying.

Where's mine?

Mine? There is no "mine".

All a bit Andy Capp, innit?

You didn't think to text, didn't think to phone.

Babe, I was having a couple of drinks with my brothers, not a crime, is it?

You've got work. You've got the kids, you've got me. None of that come into your head last night?

Well, yeah it did sort of come into my head, then it sort of went again.

What about Lauren, eh? You're meant to be setting an example.

You want to take a leaf out of her book cos she phoned me, tell me where she was.

I was enjoying myself, all right? A bloke's allowed to do that every now and again.

Enjoying yourself. So there were girls there?

Girls? What are you talking about? Not with Derek there anyway.

He don't exactly attract the opposite sex.

That's actually like saying if Derek wasn't with you, there would've been girls there.

There's only one woman for me.

Not right now there ain't.

You should've just told me if you were having trouble sleeping.

It's just Scarlett. I can hear her moving around, all that sound she makes.

-She can't help it.

-And I can't help hearing it.

She won't always be like that, Michael. She will settle.

Good. Then maybe I'll settle.

Next time, try and keep up, babe.

Hold up, sonny. I saw you earlier.

Saw me what?

Just following up a line of enquiry. There's been a spate of muggings.

What you talking about, man? I ain't done no mugging.

-Want to open up that jacket. Looks bulky under there.

-Mate, I just told you, yeah, I ain't no mugger.

That's "officer" to you. Now be a good boy.

It's just a routine stop and search.

Let me hear it first.

-Hear what?

-The description. Or shall I tell it to you? Hmm? "Black guy".

Yeah? Black man, mugger.

-Ah, there's a black man right here, he'll do. Hmm?

-Open your jacket.

-So I'm running, I'm black, so that makes me guilty, yeah?

-The jacket.

This is profiling, you know.

-You're accusing a man on the grounds of the colour of his skin.

-It's part of the stop and search procedure.

Nothing else. Have a look at this chart and you tell me

-how you would describe your ethnic identity.

-I thought I just did!

I'm not accusing you of anything. I just want to follow up on a series of muggings...

Tell you what. You know what, before you go running to your mummy, here, they're weights, not a bomb.

Flippin' ridiculous, you know.

Man goes out jogging and gets 20 years.

-All right, sir. That's far enough, I'm satisfied now.

-No, no, I tell you what, yeah? I'll go further.

All right? Yeah. I'll go all the way in fact.

Here, mate. You want to put that in your report?

Ray Dixon happily obliges. Yeah?

We'll leave it there, sir. Thank you for your cooperation.

Pathetic.

That's a flippin' joke, man!

Oi, sleeping beauty!

What you doing out here?

This is a bit of me, innit? I like to get in touch with nature.

And how does it feel?

Yeah, good. Very natural, waking up beside you.

That's not quite how I saw this.

Seeing you first thing in the morning, I could do with that.

-Even with a hangover, you've still got the lines.

-They working yet?

Not quite. But keep trying, eh?

Hey. So, busy day?

Yeah, pretty much.

-What you got lined up?

-Work.

I know that, silly.

Just...usual stuff.

-Well, have a nice day.

-Thank you.

Billy.

Yeah, he's on his way, but listen - I want you to watch him like a hawk.

Every place that he goes, every person he meets

and every phone-call he makes.

Last I saw of her, she was trying to

-burn off a thousand cakes worth of calories.

-All right, cheers.

Oi, oi. You look like you had a good night last night.

Do I now?

-KIM:

-Help!

Alfie, I need some water. Water, water...

Kim, you seen Kat? I mean, she was with you last night, yeah?

Well, you say that, but...

Kim! Kim! You could've woke me up. What a night, eh?

We owe her £30 for the room that she chucked me in.

You crash at the B&B, then?

Yeah. Tell him, Kim.

Uh yeah... We were wrecked, I said to her, you know,

you should go home and then, next thing you know, we were more wrecked...

Glad to see I wasn't the only one partying last night.

Thank you, Alf.

-See ya later.

-See ya later.

What am I like, eh?

Yeah.

What if he's been knocked down and killed?

We can only dream, eh?

It's not funny.

-Alice, he'll just have been out torturing someone, that's all.

-Joey, please...

I'm telling you, Alice. There's some poor family chained up to a train track right now.

Derek, you can't just take that.

Fruit is good for a hangover. Do you want to know why?

It's the sweetness.

Good morning, sweetheart. All right?

-There goes that dream.

-And where have you been?

I've been out. Why? What's it got to do with you?

You should tell me next time.

Aww. She really cares about me, Joe.

You better get back out there, before the rest gets nicked.

So, where were you then?

One minute you're in the R&R, the next thing you know, you've vanished.

Nowhere really. I just... wandered off.

Nowhere is always somewhere, Kat.

All right, you've got me, but you can't tell Alfie.

Not so sure I want to hear this now.

I got a call from my mate, Debbie, and she'd had a row with her fella.

And Alfie can't stand her

because he thinks she's a bad influence on me. Which she is.

All right. I gotcha. Mum's the word, my lips are zippity-zipped.

-However, I want to meet this Debbie some day, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Catch you later. See ya.

-See ya.

Can't believe it, eh? Never guess who can get out of his cot now?

-He's still not sleeping?

-Nah, misses his mummy, don't ya?

-Yes, you do.

-I'm sorry about last night.

I closed my eyes for a second, next thing I know it's tomorrow.

It's all right. You were only across the road, weren't you?

-Good boy.

-Why do you put up with me?

Where'd that come from?

Serious. Why do you love me?

Oh, dunno, darling. It's chemistry, innit? My atoms get together with your atoms

and they get all excited, don't they?

Right...

OK? Your turn.

He needs changing. Come on, Tommy.

-Go to Mummy.

-There's my boy.

You're meant to be watching Michael.

He's with a client. What you doing?

Loading spyware. I'm going to put it on every computer he touches.

I will be able to see what websites he visits,

e-mails he sends, files he may delete.

-Hold on a minute, Janine, this is nuts.

-BABY CRIES

-Ain't you going to sort her out?

-Yeah. Once I've done this.

He went out last night in the middle of the night, for "a walk".

-I mean, who does that?

-Look at yourself!

-You're getting so wound up, you're seeing all he does in a bad light.

-The man I married ripped Jean off

and he lied to my face, and he's lying again.

OK. OK. So what are you going to do if you actually find something on there, eh?

Have you thought about that? Only, you keep digging, Janine...

Please, just go back to the office, Billy.

BABY CONTINUES TO CRY

Why didn't you wake me? Yeah, I had to get back an' all!

I've got things in my life as well, you know.

That is no way to show someone that you love 'em, trust me.

No, I don't want you ringing me anymore.

I'll ring you from now on. And that's if I can be bothered.

BANGING

Whoa, you joined a marching band or something?

Raymondo, talk to Alfie.

You see this, you see this? This is me.

I'm just a piece of meat, you know?

I got no identity, I got no name, I got no nothing.

Join the club, mate. You get to my age, all you are is an eyesore.

No, no, no. Come on, Mo, man. This is way different.

You reckon? I used to be a person, but now I'm just an age.

Yeah, well, I'm a mugger. I'm a gangster,

I'm a drug dealer, I'm a rapist, I'm a terrorist.

I'm all bling with the blacked out windows, Mr gangsta lean with the gold teeth.

Hold on, what is going on here? What's happened?

-The filth was all over him.

-Stop and search. Stop and search for no reason,

-other than I'm black and wearing a hoody.

-And they made him strip.

-OK, just hear me out, OK?

Maybe you should complain then. Yeah?

Ray, come on...

-We got a steel band in here?

-Not now, eh, Kat? Just...

All right, then. I'll see you next week. Bye.

-Is that it? That's your best? Flowers?

-Yeah.

Women absolutely love 'em.

They love a whole load of other stuff as well.

Right. You tell me what them things are and I'll go out and get 'em.

Erm, respect. Go and fetch me some of that, yeah?

This isn't about you staying out, Max.

This is about the lack of respect that comes with it.

You know, the taking for granted.

You couldn't even be bothered to phone me.

So, where does that leave me on your list of priorities, eh?

Below the cat, that's where.

-Tan, we ain't got a cat.

-If we had a cat.

Right. So what d'you want me to do?

Tell me what to do and I'll go out, I'll go do it.

I dunno, you think of something.

Make me feel like number one again.

You off out?

Yeah. That's normally why someone walks through a door, Bill.

Yeah, it's me.

Look, I'm only doing this because you pay my wages, all right?

But he's just had a call and now he's on the move.

I don't know where.

Don't worry.

I know exactly where he's gone.

I can't be around my dad, I can't.

One minute I'm angry at him, the next minute, I'm worried about him.

He's driving me mad.

It's genetic, though. My dad does my head in all the time.

Listen, why don't you ask him to move out?

-That sounds like a plan, don't it, Al?

-Yeah.

A-ha! Kim thinks you're still out jogging.

I told her no-one jogs that long.

I'm just keeping myself to myself.

You all right? Ray?

When you look at me, what do you see?

-What?

-What do you see when you look at me?

Um... I see a hard-working,

confident, handsome guy.

-You don't see mugger, no?

-A mugger!?

Did you get stopped by the police?

-They stopped you?

-It's the way they stopped me.

I had this guy calling me "sonny", telling me, "Be a good boy."

This guy was treating me like I already did a crime.

I'm just a grown man that just happens to enjoy jogging.

What? You got his number, right?

Ray, you gotta go down the police station.

Make a complaint about him. How flaming dare he?

No point. The damage is already done.

-You can't let him get away with that.

-Well, he already has.

This man treated me like I was a villain.

And anyone who saw it, probably would've thought the same thing.

-Oh, so you're back then? Yeah? Didn't think to let me know.

-Kim, not now.

He ran off and left me. Whoosh.

Gone. Missing.

Yes. Just leave it, Kim. Ray's not had a good morning.

He hasn't had a good morning?

Let me tell you, I nearly died out there...

What?

Nice touch.

So, I've been told.

So, what's happened?

Dunno. It's all locked up and I can't find Janine or Michael.

But in truth you were looking for an excuse to call me, weren't ya?

-I understand.

-Any ideas?

-Just give me a sec.

You're good with your mouse.

That's weird.

What?

Looks like some dozy berk's tried to install spyware.

What's spyware? And don't say a tuxedo.

No. It's a secret way of monitoring the computer user.

But this ain't been installed properly. I'd say your bosses don't trust you much.

Me? But I'm such a good girl.

I bet you are.

You never did say how you ended up on that bench?

-Do you really want to know?

-I'm on the edge of my seat, babe.

Well, come to dinner with me and I'll tell you everything.

Look, it was just a couple of drinks with your uncles.

It's not about that.

-If it's about Fat Boy, I wasn't shouting at him. I was just...

-Or that.

It's about...

I just don't think it's working, us two living in the same house.

Oh, right...

Well, I'll go and stay with your Uncle Jack for a few days.

No, it's OK.

I'll move out.

Thanks for that, Luce.

What you doing here?

She's a bit young for you, isn't she, Michael?

You think? Oh, please. Me and him?

-What are you doing here?

-You first.

OK. Lucy, do you want to fill her in?

He's buying the flat.

Yeah. Of course he is.

It was meant to be a surprise. An investment. For Scarlett.

You're not buying a flat.

What did we talk about yesterday? What did we agree to?

Michael?

Oops!

BABY MOANS

-You do it then, Al? You tell him, yeah?

-Yeah.

So... He's moving out, then?

Not quite.

Right... OK. What, you're moving out, then?

I've got no choice.

This is good for you, Alice.

Gives you a chance to move on, get clean away an' all that.

Can I ask you a really big favour?

Um, OK?

Can I move in with you?

-There's only one word for that. Shocking.

-I mean, I'm a good man, I got a decent job, I pay my taxes.

-Shocking and disgusting.

-Actually, now, that's two words.

I thought I knew where I was at, like, I accepted and that.

-Shocking, disgusting and outrageous.

-Shh. Go on, Ray.

There's always someone that's going to put you in your place.

-Remind you who you are.

-Well, you see now, this...

-That ain't helping.

What?

You're just spouting these big words

and it's not exactly going to help, is it?

-If you allow me to speak...

-You're speaking, I've heard you.

-You're not allowing me to...

Ladies, ladies, it's fine. It's cool. It is what it is.

Look, I'm just going to retire from jogging, going to put my feet up

-and just going to turn to fat.

-Ray.

-You can't do that, can ya?

-What's that going to say to Morgan?

-Morgan?

-Exactly...

The same things are going to happen and he's going to look to you, his dad,

-and say, "What did you do? How did you deal with it?"

-See now, that is my point...

-You going to say I just laid back and gained 20 stone?

-KNOCKING

I need to speak.

-Ray.

-Yeah?

We're a couple.

Someone hurts you, they hurt me too.

I'm telling you I'm not feeling this roll over and give up stuff.

Kim, man, this hurt me bad, all right?

-I know.

-Look, I ain't no criminal.

Look, what happened today is going to happen tomorrow and the day after.

But what if it happens to Morgan and he knows how to deal with it

because of what you taught him?

And what if he tells his friends,

and then you can become another father figure to them. You know, even a mentor.

You could reach a of kids, you know.

If you teach that boy what it takes to be a man.

OK, OK. But how?

I mean, I like the idea, I think it's great, but how?

I dunno, you just... set up some kind of scheme?

I dunno how you go about it, but... d'you know what I mean?

Do you really think I could do this?

Well, I know I'm not going to be wasting my time with some lard man.

What's that Dolly Parton song? Umm... Stand By Your Man.

-Yeah.

-I'm going to stand by you.

-All right.

-I'll get the drinks in, yeah?

Well, I never thought I'd see it, let alone say it,

but my baby sister's growing up.

Look at you - back on your feet and almost back to your average self.

Thanks, I think.

I want my money. £1,500 with interest.

I don't have it.

So, go find it.

Tell you what, I'll knock the loan off the price of the flat.

But I'll tell Michael that

cos he's the one in charge of the money, right?

What did you just say to her?

No big deal.

Just putting her back in her pram.

Dad...

Hello, Angel.

I've found somewhere to move into already. Fat Boy's going to put me up.

Yeah, so don't all rush to thank me at once.

I'm just trying to be the best friend a person could, um, have.

So, how's your morning been, gentlemen?

As good as yours from the look of it.

-Max?

-Rotten. In the doghouse, ain't I.

And last night was so special.

Where'd you go in the end?

Went out with a few mates.

Which left the way open for me and Max here to go round to yours and drink your spirits dry.

Nice. While you mention it, key to the flat. Come on.

Oh, there' s a couple of burn holes in your sofa.

-What?

-That was me, sorry.

-Oh, nice. You'll pay for that.

-That why you scarpered last night?

-Didn't scarper. Just took a wander.

Then I stumbled home, didn't I?

Large scotch. No ice, no water, no chat.

-Problems?

-Women.

Hi, is there a Kat Moon here?

-What you got there?

-Well, they're for you.

-Oh, you shouldn't have!

-I didn't.

-Eh?

Not from me. This was pinned to it.

Let's have a look.

-BABY CRIES

-Your turn.

So, who they from then?

From me dad. Bless him.

-Your old man? Seriously?

-Yeah, sweet, ain't it, eh?

-That's lovely.

Nice flowers.

Someone must like you.

You must be doing something right, Kat.

BABY CRIES

DOOR CLOSES

What were you thinking? Imagine if Alfie had opened that card.

Do you want us to get caught? I said I'd contact you.

Angry? I'm furious.

I don't care what you wrote in the card.

No, I don't. Really.

It means nothing.

He loves me, he loves me not. He loves me.

There.

No, thanks.

-Babe, you got to eat.

-Why?

Well, because...

Yeah, see.

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Oh, darling, eat up.

-No, thanks.

-Tell her, Max.

I just have.

D'you want a cup of tea?

Right. Right, well that settles it. You and me, we're staying in.

We're going to give her some TLC.

-Well, says who?

-Says me.

Then maybe you can tell me what you were doing down here at six o'clock this morning.

I was just, you know, just worrying.

About Abi.

Good choice. You will not find tastier in the whole of London.

That's a pound, thank you.

You see that?

I'm channelling your grandfather and your great-grandfather.

I was wondering, can I have this afternoon off?

No, I don't think so.

Yeah, it's just...

Where would we get cover at such short notice?

You just keep channelling.

VACUUM HUMS KAT LAUGHS

What...?

What, am I in another dimension? Kat Moon with a vacuum?

-I had an urge.

-Yeah? I'm feeling the urge too, come on.

Nah, I'm a busy little char lady.

VACUUM STARTS AGAIN

-Kat, no offence, darling, but are you feeling all right?

-I'm feeling wonderful.

These flowers really shouldn't have wilted this quickly.

I think you should phone the florist and tell them. It's not good enough.

-They're only flowers.

-Well, I'll phone them. I don't mind.

Woah, Kat?

Hey, Alice... You know, I've been thinking, and...

I've been trying to weigh it up and do the sums and that...

Oh...

Fats, you promised. You said I could move in with you.

Yeah, I know, but I've got Roxy staying with me...and her kid.

And plus, when Anthony comes back... you know what I mean?

He's coming back?

Well, of course. He's got his fine girl here.

You know, he's got the Emporium.

Yeah, he has. But I know what you're really saying.

Good.

Good to know you know what I'm saying when I'm saying it.

My dad scares you.

No. I ain't...scared of him.

He scares you.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-It's open.

-Coo-ee!

-Come in, come in.

You wanted to see me, Janice?

Whitney's away and... Well, I need a big favour.

-Seriously?

-Seriously...

Since when did you get the idea I was good with babies?

You don't have to be good, you just have to be there.

Oh, but I've got things to do, babe. I've got plans.

-I'm a busy bee, me.

-Look at this watch I've got Michael.

Oh, that's nice. Is it his birthday?

No. Not exactly. It's...

It's a different kind of day.

-Cheers, mate.

-Cheers. Thanks.

-What's that?

-Well, don't ask me.

Right, are you going to carry on playing with the cars, or are you

going to come and help me cheer Abi up?

Not in the mood, am I?

Tell me about it.

I'm still waiting for you to make it up to me, you know?

Couldn't think of anything, could I? Too tired.

Well, you shouldn't stay out till all hours, should you?

How about a curry later?

Hark at Mr Romance.

Babe, honestly, seriously, I could just do without all this, all right?

What's wrong?

-It's just...

-What?

It's just not working out right now, is it?

What isn't?

The business.

Just not coming together. I need more cars from Phil, that's all.

Is that all it is?

Why? What else would it be?

I dunno, just...

You all right sorting out Abi, yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll take her to Booty's, give her a manicure.

Stop worrying.

You'll work your magic.

-Is Dad in there?

-No.

-What, he's just walked off?

-Well he's got a lot on today.

-Yeah, selling fruit.

-Oh, he hasn't told you?

-Told me what?

-Well, he's got to see his mental health people today.

They're going to assess him and see what he needs.

But what he doesn't need, Lucy, is you getting on his case, OK?

Luce, I've got someone to cover me.

Here we go. Oh look, there's Mummy.

-What's with all the boxes?

-It's for charity.

Yeah? What's got into you then?

-Listen, you rung Charlie?

-What, my dad?

-Yeah, just to say thanks.

-Yeah, already did.

-Mum.

-How is he?

He's good, yeah. He's good.

That reminds me - I need to ring him, see how he is.

It's been a while since we spoke to him.

Have you got the card that came with these so I can get the number?

Jean, I chucked them out for a reason!

Yeah, it probably cost him a lot of money, darling.

All right, I'll send him the money.

DOOR CLOSES

BABY CRIES

All right, we're home now. Yes.

We're home. Have you got earplugs?

Because that kid could cry for England.

Kim, I've got enough to do today. Please just take her away.

Janice, listen, I'm not...evolved for this, you know?

She needs her mum.

Look, why don't you have a look in that catalogue?

And I will buy you something nice for your troubles.

Janice, no offence or nothing, but are you all right?

Actually, no. No.

No, I'm not. I'm not happy.

OK. OK. Well, we're getting somewhere...

I mean just look at the state of that suitcase.

I can't use that. Please just make her be quiet.

BABY CONTINUES CRYING

OK, OK, OK, OK.

That is a lovely bit of smutter, that is. But there's more.

Where'd that come from?

-Express delivery.

-You put that there?

No, I didn't. Some bloke just turned up with it.

What did you do to deserve that, eh?

-It's broken.

-No...

Yeah. Look, the hands don't move.

Hands are stuck at eight o'clock.

Maybe it just needs winding, or a new battery or something.

Oh yeah...

Wish I had a woman like that.

Play your cards right and you can have Janine when I drop her.

-That's a joke.

-Oh, right.

Look, I know it's none of my business,

but if you want to go to him, then you should go.

Go to who?

I notice things, Kat, that other people don't.

I've learnt to take things in.

What are you saying, Jean?

The flowers.

We both know what they're really about, don't we?

You see a lot, then.

Look, I said "no", I did. I said "no".

-And I said to him, "Just leave it."

-Look, if you want to go to Charlie, go.

I know you want to stay here for Tommy, but me and Alfie'll cope.

No, I'm not going anywhere.

He wants you to, though, doesn't he?

That's why he sent the flowers.

Yeah. Yeah, he wants me.

Ask yourself what really matters, that's what you need to do.

I am. I've been asking it all day.

There you go. Look at these beauties, look. Eh?

All state of the art, you know? Unlocked and magnificent.

All you've got to do is slip your old SIM in and away you go.

Look at that. That's lovely.

Yeah. How much?

How...?

You're blood. You don't take money off of blood.

How many times have I got to tell you?

-Besides I've got a vanload of 'em to shift.

-Yeah.

-Oh yeah? Fat Boy used to have a phone stall, he's probably your man.

-Did he now?

So can you book restaurants with this?

-Why, who you taking out?

-Yeah, for me to know.

Well, cheers, Del. I needed a new phone.

Can it sort out domestics on this?

If only. Call 'em a leaving present.

I think I might be making tracks soon.

Oh yeah, where you going to go?

Somewhere where I'm loved would be good.

-This about Alice moving out, is it?

-Oh, I dunno. I just think I'm going soft, made too many mistakes.

-I mean, there's got to be more out there, ain't there?

-Yeah.

That's the thing, Del, there is. There's loads more.

It's about grabbing everything that comes your way.

Thanks, I didn't think you were going to let me get away.

You've been working hard.

Thank you. So, do I look all right?

Course.

-Right, I'll be back as soon as I can, yeah.

-No worries.

Yeah. Yeah. Ask me the time.

-I'm just leaving.

-You ask me.

-What's the time?

-Dunno, no idea.

Though if you keep asking me, of course, it will be right eventually.

Cos the clock will just keep ticking round, won't it, till it

reaches eight again and then... And then the world'll be on time again.

Thanks.

You've...had another delivery.

How d'you know where I am all the time?

I don't, I just...guessed.

It's like having a stalker, Bill. It's a bit weird.

-What is all this, Billy?

-I don't know.

Course you do. What's she got planned?

You're talking to the wrong person.

Don't lie to me. You're in on it, you must be.

I'm really sorry, Michael, but I've got to get back.

No. No. Any more of this nonsense and she's all yours, all right?

Because this is weirding me out and I've had enough.

You tell her that.

-Hello, darling.

-You all right?

Yeah.

Where's Ab?

Well, we ended up going shopping in the end

and she bumped into a mate, so I've come home.

I can't do it like I used to. Feet are killing me.

Tell you what, pop the kettle on, will you?

And then, maybe if you loved me, you could give my feet a rub.

Hello?

Oh yeah, yeah, I'll put the kettle on.

Is that new?

Yep. Yeah, it's nice, innit? Broke the other one.

Right, so the business is struggling

but we can still splash the cash on a phone like that?

Well, it's secondhand, innit? Got it for next to nothing.

Oh, right. It's a good job, innit?

Cos we need to be watching the pennies.

Do we? Why?

Because we've got a little wedding coming up.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Well, I'll stick the kettle on.

BABY MUMBLES

Doggy. It's a doggy.

PHONE VIBRATES

-Mum!

-Yeah?

Janice ain't right, you know? She's got this weird look in her eye.

-What, and you told her that?

-I thinking that was more your field. Think about it -

-she's got me, ME, looking after her kid.

-Yeah, I know...

-Bin it.

-Hey, no.

Yeah, bin it, burn it, launch it, wear it, do what you like with it.

No. Michael, I think it's because she wants you to meet her...

-Got it, just take a seat.

-Thanks.

-What's that for?

-For you.

So, how'd it go?

Yeah. Yeah, it was good seeing my old mate.

Dad. I know.

How?

Lucy, you weren't meant to, cos...

I didn't want you knowing that I was seeing a specialist, cos...

..you've already got enough on your plate.

Well, what did they say?

Can we talk about something else?

Dad, it's OK. Honest. I want to know.

They, um...they asked me...

They asked me lots of questions. And I...

I didn't know the answers. I tried.

Dad, you're going to get better.

You know how I know this?

Cos I am going to be there for you. I promise.

-All right, Alf.

-Oh, hello, mate.

-Is Tommy upstairs? Can I give him this?

-Yeah, if you want.

-All right?

-Yeah, Yeah. It's for the boy.

He's asleep.

Is he? Can I take it up to him?

No, just leave it here, yeah? Cheers.

Like that, is it?

It's not like anything, Michael.

Maybe you can get a refund.

It's ugly anyway. A dog wouldn't wear that.

Listen, Janine, I really think you should just

concentrate on the good things, you know?

Yeah, Scarlett's probably sensing that you're upset.

Where is Michael?

-We don't know.

-And what did I say to you about keeping an eye on him?

It's you that I'm worried about, Janine.

Wearing the new suit, I suppose, is he?

And the new watch I bought him?

Strutting around looking a million dollars.

You know what I'm thinking?

We should put Scarlett in the spare room,

because you need some serious sleep.

-Get out.

-Janine, we're just trying to help.

Both of you!

Out. I mean it, all right!

GET THE HELL OUT!

Well, that looks heavy.

Do you want me to give you a hand over to Fat Boy's with it?

There's no room for me over there any more.

Oh, right.

Cos he thinks Anthony's coming back for the Emporium.

Shame I can't tell him otherwise.

But you're still packing.

I thought I might give Mum a call.

I didn't think you two were talking.

We're not. I suppose we had better start.

Right.

So I should call her?

You've obviously made up your mind to, so...

I'm getting a bit restless, myself. Might have a whim, hit the road.

Really?

Without you here there's nothing for me, is there?

But your family's here.

You're my family, Alice.

But I can't be. Not really!

Because people respect their families and give them space,

you don't seem to be able to do that.

Well, I'm letting you move out, ain't I?

It's not as straightforward as that.

You need to be able to promise me you're going to let me breathe,

show me that you can give me my space and not smother me.

Dad, I really liked Anthony,

and I think he started to really like me.

But you made sure that wasn't going to go anywhere.

I just thought you could do better...

But that's for me to decide, not you.

I won't ever interfere in your personal life again...

So long as you stay.

Are you going to behave yourself?

-Deal?

-Deal.

Ain't you got a home to go to?

Not one I want to be in.

I thought you were the happiest man on the Square.

Should've known, you know. Once a nutter, always a nutter.

-What, you talking about Janine?

-Yeah. She's gone weird.

Michael. The girl loves you, don't she?

She's given you a cracking daughter,

all them millions in the bank, buy anything you want.

If that's weird I think you're even weirder.

-Do you a swap, then.

-Yeah, sure.

Yeah, Janine's millions for...Kat.

Hmm?

-Right here, right now.

-Steady on, Michael.

Don't you ever just feel like that, though?

Just jacking it all in. Just starting somewhere new,

with someone new.

Got everything I want right here.

You have no idea.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I could go there.

Well jel.

It's what you come back to though, isn't it?

Oh, darling... Sometimes you think you've found the right person

and you haven't.

You know, Jay might be, what, 90% right for you,

and you need to find 100% right -

like me and your dad.

Babe. Just popping out for a pint.

All right. Don't be late.

See you soon. Night, Abs.

Night.

See, that right there, that's 100%, that is.

Mum, no offence, right. But half the time you're either split up

or trying to hurt each other.

Is that how you see us?

Well, maybe I am like you and it doesn't matter what Jay's done,

I still love him - like you and Dad.

Come here, you.

Oh, dear, what are we like?

FRONT DOOR OPENS

KEYS DROP ON TABLE

Only three hours late.

-Been for a stroll?

-Maybe.

You got my presents. See I get it now, Michael.

I get the message loud and clear.

-Open the suitcase.

-Why?

Because it's got everything you've ever wanted...

..everything your heart desires.

Open it.

Here, Kat... Look.

I rescued it.

Thank you.

Dads don't send roses, do they?

Mine does.

Come here.

Talk to me, yeah. Tell me something good.

Like what?

Well, I don't know. That I'm still your fella.

Course you are.

Were you really at Kim's the other night?

It's just... All the flowers, you know? It don't feel right.

Who sent 'em?

My dad did.

Kat, sweetheart, listen.

You don't have to lie to protect me, all right?

I'm Alfie Moon, I'll be standing.

But if there is someone else, I need to know, yeah?

No.

That better?

-Better?

-Do you feel better now?

You don't have to lie to me to spare my feelings.

You don't have to mug me off, Kat.

Just...please give me some dignity, yeah?

Can you do that?

Is there someone else?

Yeah.

What do you want?

Me?

Or the money?

What?

I am giving you a direct choice.

There is £450,000 in there.

You can have it.

Take it.

Leave - no questions asked.

Why?

Why are you doing this?

Because...I have to know.

Because it's burning away inside me.

Every single night - the same question,

"Do you want me?

"Or do you want my money?"

It's been there since the very start.

Since I bought the first drink instead of you. Since you proposed.

The pre-nup.