10/08/2012 EastEnders Omnibus

HE COUGHS

Not you, him.

A little birdie tells me you're taking my daughter out again this afternoon.

Who told you that?

-Oh, why? Is it supposed to be a secret?

-No...

-Oh lovely! There you are, eh?

-Have a look, it's Usain Bolt.

What happened right? I texted, yeah? I said we'll meet outside the Vic

-for a bit of exercise. What happened?

-He was the only one who turned up!

-If you don't mind, I'm talking to the lads.

-You can barely talk at all!

-You're either in the team...

-If you can call it a team.

-...or you're not.

-Not.

-What?

-Alfie. Three games, three defeats....

-Yeah, hold on.

-If Andrew can make the effort, you guys can.

-He needs the exercise.

-What's he saying?

-Woah, stop!

-This is a nice way to build team spirit!

-Listen, all right we'll talk about it later.

-I don't think so.

No? All right then, let's talk about it now then, yeah?

No, I don't think so. Because me and Anthony

were in the middle of a conversation. So you can jog on. Literally.

All right. Later. We'll definitely talk later. Come on, let's go.

HE LAUGHS

You were saying?

-Was I?

-About Alice?

Oh, yeah. What about her?

-How we don't want a repeat of what happened the last time?

-Probably not.

Certainly not!

See you later.

HE MIMICS GUNSHOT

-I'm all right. I've got it.

-You all right?

-Yeah, I've got it.

I'm good. I'm good. OK, OK, that's good.

Call that a day now. That's lovely. We're done here.

I thought we was going to pump some iron down the gym?

I tell you what, let's just

save that for another day. You don't want to overdo it, do you?

-So listen, don't forget, do your stretching exercises, yeah?

-All right.

-Catch you later. Good lad. Catch you later.

-Alfie.

-What?

-Tell me, how can you use the words "fun" and "family"

-in the same sentence?

-I know! So anyway, how's the sponsorship going?

-I'm not worried about that.

-Shirley, come on,

-you've got to feel the fear and just go for it. How's Ben taken it?

-Taken what?

-You know, Ian being back?

-What, from Devon?

What? You don't know?

It's pretty boring, innit?

What about you, Ian?

Maybe you should get that seen to, Ian?

How about we fix you up with a doctor?

Ian?

I'll be back in a sec, all right?

Who you ringing?

-I'm going to call the doctor.

-What? No, hang on!

-Babe, he needs help, don't he?

-And have him end up on a mental ward?

Plus he stinks.

He's had a shower.

-No, he hasn't, he stinks.

-Tan, we're out of our depth, aren't we?

What, you're not worried about him? Cos I am.

Plus me and Oscar want our front room back, don't we?

Course I'm worried. I've suggested to Lauren that she speak to Lucy.

Lucy? We know what Lucy thinks.

She's had a night to sleep on it, hasn't she? He's her dad after all.

I'd really rather not, Mum.

Please, she'll listen to you.

-Sleeping rough?

-All that stuff

about going to see Peter was a pack of lies. Lucy knew it all along.

He looks like a right dosser, apparently.

So, where's he now?

Max and Tanya's. Alfie said Lucy wouldn't let him in the door.

Well?

-Well, what?

-He's your brother, Ben. When are you going to see him?

I will. I will in a bit.

-What, you want me to come with you?

-No...

Give me five minutes, all right?

All right! Don't leave it too long!

You seen them sponsorship forms?

Dad.

Three guesses what you're here for.

Did your dad send you?

Better come in, then.

You can't go. I forbid you.

Work to do, sweetheart, sorry.

Oh. But how many mornings do we get alone together?

-A woman's got needs, you know.

-And a man has limitations.

-What you doing at this time in the morning?

-Wholesaler's.

Just save it up for me, yeah? Laters.

Oh! Really?

Oh, Ray!

Hm!

SHE SIGHS

Uh!

Me and Bobby are doing just fine.

We really don't need this.

Where is Bobby?

At a sleepover.

Thought it would be best to keep him away.

And he doesn't want to see his dad?

I didn't ask anyone to take Dad in, did I?

So you'd rather see him back on the streets, would you?

You've had him for one night and you're already sick of him.

I've had him for a whole lifetime.

Lucy, but you don't mean that.

Morning.

You all right?

Lauren is trying to persuade me to take Dad back.

And what have you said?

I've told her I don't want to.

So what else is there to discuss?

Hiya.

What you doing back? I thought you'd be at least another hour.

Can you believe it, I went running this morning, the only one that turned up was Andrew.

Kat, I don't know why I bother half the time, sweetheart.

-You know what your problem is, don't you?

-What?

-You care too much.

-Hm.

-Hello?

-Oh!

-Up here.

Here he is.

Eh?

-Hey.

-Oh, well done, there you are!

-Sorry?

-Oh, don't give it all the innocent "I'm sorry" bit.

Raymond, I texted everybody about running this morning. What happened?

Look, sorry, mate, phone must have been switched off, mate.

Nightmare. Anyway, how did you get in?

-I got him a key cut.

-What for?

Seemed daft not to, what with him coming and going all the time.

-Bit early, aren't you?

-I needed to get prep out of the way. I got stuff to do later.

That makes sense. You're all right for running tomorrow though, yeah? Training? Come on.

-Actually, Alfie, mate...

-Oh! Don't.

Ray, I feel a bit let down here, buddy.

I mean, you're the only decent player we've got.

How have I got myself into this mess again?

It's not like she's bad-looking.

Ty, she could look like flamin' Tulisa for all I care,

but the fact is she's got Derek Branning as a father.

I just know how it's going to go.

I take her out, you know.

Try and make a clean getaway.

She gives me the old puppy dog eyes and I've got to kiss her, ain't I?

Next thing you know, I'm at the altar with Derek with a shotgun at my back.

-Listen, you're going about this all the wrong way.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yes, you're assuming she's going to like you.

-What?

Well, look, I know it's a big ask, Romeo,

but you gotta bring out the inner minger.

Here, I've been looking for you all over!

Oi, that's Zainab's.

Listen, I've got to talk to you. I've got some amazing news. Come on.

Joey stayed over?

Hm. He's virtually living there.

Oh right, well, yeah, that explains a few things.

That is... No. That is not on at all.

Oh, Mum, please don't.

There's a cup of coffee I made for Ian there.

Take it through to him, will you?

Do I have to?

And when you've done that, will you peg the washing out the back?

TV PLAYS

My mum's just gone out, so she's made you a cup of coffee.

I'll just leave it here, then, shall I?

So Ray's looking for a new flat?

Yeah.

So what?

For us! He wants me to move in with him!

And why hasn't he mentioned it?

Cos it's a surprise, innit!

You see - don't you get it?

All the sneaking around, the phone calls.

I mean, how romantic is that?

Not very.

So why else would he be doing it?

All right, OK?

Let's assume that you're right

and Ray is looking for this bigger place for the three of you.

-Yep.

-Who's going to look after the B&B? Mm?

-Like things weren't bad enough in there this morning?

-We'll work out a rota.

No. No, Kim. That was not the agreement.

Why is it so hard for you to be happy for me, huh?

What is so hard about that?

I'm going to have to get a new cake for Zainab now.

Listen, this is something that I really want.

Please don't spoil it for me.

Just don't say anything, Kim.

If the man wants to surprise you, just let him.

Right. Love ya.

Oh, Lucy, it's not a question of what you want,

it's a question of duty.

Oh, please.

I wasn't talking to you.

If we're talking about duty, where's he been for the last two months?

And where was his duty to Bobby? Or to me?

Yeah, all right I get that. I do.

I understand, but the man's had a breakdown, Lucy.

And I know you're hurting right now,

but you need to try and see past that.

I think Lucy's made her feelings pretty plain.

-I know where you're coming from.

-You what?

Well, you got a nice little set up, here, eh?

This has nothing to do with Joey.

Dad chose Mandy over me, remember.

Just trust me on this, Lucy. One day you'll regret it.

Oh, come on, he hasn't got a stitch to wear.

So I'll get him something.

-You wait till you're a parent.

-I don't want to be a parent.

Well, maybe that's just as well.

-So where is he now?

-Max Branning's according to Shirley.

-Where's she?

I dunno. Doing some sponsorship thing? I dunno, Dad.

All right, all right. Now is not the time to lose it, yeah?

We hold it together. We don't even tell Jay.

We just act normal until we find some way of shutting him up.

And how do we do that?

DOOR OPENS

What are you doing back here?

He's just, uh... he's just been telling me about Ian.

What, you not been over there yet?

He's a bit nervous. It's understandable.

He wants me to go with him, don't you, Ben?

Right, I wasn't good enough for you?

Take it easy on him. He's had a bit of a shock.

Now go on, go and get your shoes on, mate, get yourself ready, yeah?

He tells me you've been doing that sponsorship thing.

It going all right, is it?

KNOCKS ON DOOR

You all right?

Two secs. I'll just, um, get my bag.

Anthony! I'm glad to see you've made the effort.

Where are you taking her?

Erm... Vic probably?

Oh, good. That's where I'm going. I'll be able to keep an eye on you.

Don't you dare.

-HE CHUCKLES

-Think she's keen on you...

-Dad!

God knows why though, but women are funny that way.

You treat her special, yeah?

Just stop it, yeah?

Have fun.

Oh, yeah, you look nice.

Thanks.

-So where we going?

-Anywhere but the Vic.

THEY LAUGH

You what? Can you tell Alfie I want to speak to him?

-Like he's not upset enough already.

-Can you just get him, please!

-Alfie!

-All right, Jack?

No, I'm not all right. I'm very far from all right.

Scotch, please.

-Ray's quit the team.

-No?

-So has Anthony and Tyler.

Oi, don't, all right? Just don't. Kat's just told me.

Bit of a setback but I'm sorting it, OK?

-Apart from me, Ray's our only good player.

-What?

Shut up, will you? How are we going to field a team with eight players?

I'd volunteer myself, but I wouldn't want to show you up.

We're desperate, but we ain't that desperate.

If you're so keen, where were you at 8 this morning?

Well, some of us have got work to do, all right?

-In bed with a floozy.

-Shut it!

I tell you what. How about...you'll like this, right,

how about if Derek goes in goal and I take over as striker?

EVERYONE LAUGHS

Yeah, good one. I've heard it all now.

I'll put up a poster outside.

Advertise for three more players. How about that?

Yeah. Good one. Shambles. That's what this is.

You know, Kat, I give up. I am officially defeated.

No, you're not giving up, right. You phone Anthony and Tyler.

You two stay put. I'll be back. That's for his scotch.

-HE LAUGHS

-Oi, what are you laughing at?

So how was it at the wholesaler's? I'm interested!

Thanks for your concern.

-You. Bar. Now.

-Eh?

Kim, what you doing in here?

-I'm just talking to my boyfriend.

-What's so important in the bar?

-Team meeting.

-I'm not in the team.

We'll soon see about that. Come on.

All right.

Kat, can I have a quiet word?

Has Ray said anything to you that I'm not supposed to know about?

Why would he tell me and not you?

-I wouldn't have minded queueing.

-Yeah, well, I would have.

PHONE RINGS

Go away, Alfie.

So, where do you want to go?

Um... There's that new wine bar on the high street.

Fargo's?

As if. Do you like kebabs?

I've just got this dress back from the cleaner's.

It's all right, you can use a tissue or something.

And if Fat Boy's there, he usually gives me a discount.

Come on, then.

Right, there's definitely no chance of a home visit?

No, that's fine.

All right, no, I'll bring him over. Yep, 5.15? Thank you.

What have you just done?

I ain't going to leave him like that, am I?

We said if Lucy wouldn't help,

I was going to call a doctor. That's what I've done.

-Where are you going?

-I'm going to tell him.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Babe, whoever that is, just put 'em off, will you?

HE SIGHS

Ian. I've just made you a doctor's appointment.

Ian, do you understand what I'm saying to you?

Ian's got visitors.

Ian? There's someone here to see you.

We'll leave you to it, shall we?

TV BLARES

Ian?

Look, if you're going out, will you take Oscar with you?

Babe, I'll do it later, all right? Just give me five minutes.

What? Where?

You lost three games. Is that the spirit that won the war?

What happened to the good old British Bulldog?

He got taken to the vet, didn't he?

Do you think Bobby Moore and the lads had that same attitude back in '66?

-'66?

-'66!

Come on, this is a pub team we're talking about here.

Oi, this ain't just a pub! It's The Queen Vic!

And you listen to the Queen.

I thought it was just going to be a bit of a kick around,

I didn't realise there was going to be training and...

What if we all walked away when it got tough?

You'd be a fool to do different.

That's just the sort of attitude I'm talking about.

All right? Look at you lot, eh?

Five naughty schoolboys in front of the headmistress.

Six naughty schoolboys. Football meeting. Sit down.

Come on, Max. Get involved, get involved.

Yes, miss.

I do like a powerful bird.

You're spoken for.

Especially when you know it's all a facade.

Deep down inside, she's just a needy little girl.

You should remember that you're a father now, Michael.

You'd like a go on that, wouldn't you, Del, eh?

I've obviously got more respect for women than you have.

She's out of your league, you mean?

I'm going to enjoy watching you pushing a pram around the Square.

I'm looking forward to it, mate.

HE CHUCKLES

Like hell you are.

You can fool yourself, Michael, but you're never going to fool me.

I've had enough. I'm going to the bar.

No. Get down and gimme ten.

-You what?

-Press-ups! Come on.

-No.

Right, then. Shut up and sit down!

THEY ALL LAUGH

So, what's the latest, then?

Ian's one thing, I can't handle Ian and Phil together.

Oi! No talking in class!

Yeah.

Fabulous.

The thing about a conversation, Ian, is...

Well, it takes two.

You know, I say something then you say something.

That's how it works.

So what you been up to these last couple of months?

We went looking for you, didn't we, Ben?

Yeah. Been really worried.

I've missed you.

We all have.

I mean, you're part of this place. It wouldn't be the same without you.

According to Shirley, Lucy didn't want to see you, is that right?

Have you spoken to anyone? Anyone at all?

Phil? Can I have a word?

Lucy might not have been pleased to see you but...

..I am.

He don't need any psychological unit.

This is what I said to Max.

But maybe he's got a point.

I mean, if it was just me and him, then fine,

but I got the kids to think about, haven't I?

Maybe a psychiatrist would help him to open up a bit.

Cos he's certainly not opening up to us, is he?

What do you think we should do?

SHE LAUGHS

What?

You sure know how to treat a lady.

Yeah, well, take it or leave it. Can't change who I am, can I?

Anyone would think you were deliberately trying to put me off.

You know, if you don't fancy me, you can say.

It's not a question of if I fancy you or not, is it?

So what is it, then? Is it my dad?

You know, I am my own person within my own right.

I have my own thoughts, feelings and opinions.

So give me one of these opinions, then.

SHE LAUGHS

I think that you're scared.

HE SNORTS

I think we both are.

You're scared?

I've been terrified about this all morning, if you want the truth.

HE LAUGHS

What's so funny?

Not half as terrified as me.

THEY LAUGH AND JOKE

Are you going to wipe your face or do I have to do it for you?

-Any questions?

-Raise a glass to the Queen Vic United.

May we be magnanimous in victory, yeah.

Stuff that. Let's rub their noses in it.

All right. Cheerful in defeat, then.

We've had enough experience at that, ain't we?

Shut up, you big girl. To us!

-To us!

-Lovely.

Class dismissed.

She's a formidable woman, your wife, Alfie.

That's why I love her, Derek.

-I've just seen Alice.

-Oh, yeah?

With that loser out on the Square.

-Yeah, I know about it.

-Bet you don't know everything, though.

I better go.

I'm off.

Hey, listen, Michael. Listen, good luck tomorrow, mate.

Give Scarlett a kiss from us.

-THEY ALL MURMUR IN AGREEMENT

-Thanks, fellas.

Thinking of you, bruv.

-Now, there IS a nervous man.

-Why d'you say that?

-He's bringing his baby home tomorrow.

-Ah, really?

Yeah, I'm well excited. He's not too excited, though.

-Do you like babies, then?

-Yeah. I do. I'd love to be a daddy.

Oh.

But not any time soon.

Don't worry, I'm not suggesting anything.

I really should be getting back to work.

I'll see ya, yeah?

Thank you.

Since when were you prepared to fork out for decorating magazines?

He's a man. When did a man ever have any taste?

I've got to be prepared.

So has he said something, then?

-Not exactly.

-So he's said nothing.

He was being shifty in the pub earlier, it's got to be it.

-How much is it?

-3.95.

-How much?

-What do you mean, we're back in the team?

-Attacking midfield.

He didn't even think to ask me, Ty?

You want to argue about it, you argue with Kat. Anyway, how'd it go?

-How did what go?

-You and the siren temptress of Walford.

It was all right, actually.

I thought you wanted it to be a disaster?

We came to an understanding. And, my friend, I think I'm off the hook.

What was the last thing I said to you?

-Have fun.

-Treat her special.

Yeah.

Yeah. Your idea of special is eating a kebab with her fingers,

outside, on a bench, in the middle of the street, is it?

No, Del, we were in the Square.

Oh, we was in the Square.

I don't care where you was!

Now you listen to me, young Anthony.

Up until now I've given you the benefit of the doubt,

because for some strange reason, my daughter has taken a shine to you.

But if you muck her about one more time,

it won't be kebab that you're eating. Understood?

-Yeah.

-Any questions?

-No.

-Good.

I'm just taking five minutes, Marie.

OK, Luce.

So what did you want?

Listen, I don't want us to fall out over all this.

Look, it's not you I'm angry with.

Cos it's not like I don't know what a pain dads can be.

I'm not taking him back, Lauren.

Yeah, and I'm not trying to persuade you to.

I'm just worried about you, that's all.

I've got enough stuff to do, I've got bills to pay,

I've got Bobby to take care of, businesses to run.

And on top of all that, I'm signed up to do a community cook-off.

So, there's only so much a girl can do.

Well, I'm on your side.

I just want you to know that.

But I better go

because I'm meant to be getting the dinner in, so...

Lauren...

Has he asked about me at all?

Not while I've been around, no.

Good.

DOOR CLOSES

-All right, love.

-All right, babe.

Here, look at this. Look. This is what he was wearing.

-Can you believe it?

-Why you bothering?

Well, cos they're still his, aren't they?

I can't just throw 'em away without asking.

Where is he anyway? Is he upstairs?

-Got to take him to the doctor's.

-Yeah, I've cancelled that.

What?

-And he's not upstairs either.

-Well, where is he?

We weren't expecting guests.

You giving Brian Blessed a run for his money?

I don't like the idea of him talking to Shirley.

He ain't talking to anyone right now.

As long as we keep him away from shrinks, we'll be all right.

We can't keep him here for ever.

We'll keep him here till we can get him onside.

And how do we do that?

He's your brother. We'll just keep reminding him of that.

I've just seen Max. He said something about Ian staying here.

Have you two completely lost your minds?

Just sit down, yeah?

Guess what I'm doing?

Abseiling down the side of the Vic.

Me! Who's scared of heights!

Must be mad.

Well, no, not mad, but...

Must be something.

I'm doing it for charity.

For little George.

You remember little George?

Heather's little boy?

THUNDER CLAP

Remember Heather?

My best mate?

Who was murdered?

Ian?

Come on, Ian, just one mouthful?

If you're waiting for me to do the aeroplane noises,

that's where I draw the line.

There.

What do you think?

Did you get the thermometer?

Yep, yep, it's in the bathroom.

It's all right, it's better than being in that stinky old hospital.

Listen, by the way, do you know what this is about?

"Don't ever forget you are beautiful, big love, Poppy."

Michael, did you put the doctor's number by the phone?

Yes, yeah. It's in there, it's in the kitchen.

BABY GURGLES

-Here we go.

-It's over there.

Oh, oh, now you really are beautiful, aren't you?

Hey, come on.

It's sick!

Just relax, state he's in, he ain't said a word.

-State? That's the point!

-Just keep it down.

-He's just tired, that's all.

-He has completely lost it.

He's taken a one-way ticket to gaga land

and we bought him the ticket!

-Jay. Look, Jay, just hold on.

-Ben, just let him go.

He can't handle it, which is why I'm relying on you.

Shirl!

Not interrupting some heart to heart, am I?

Do us a favour. Get some food in, will you?

Darn your socks an' all while I'm at it, shall I(?)

What about Ian?

Oh, Ben's got it covered. Ain't that right, Ben?

Tea, please.

Oh, Jean. Come on, turn that frown upside down.

It's officially unpatriotic.

Don't tell me you're the only person in the country who hasn't succumbed?

-It's Olympic fever.

-Exactly!

Oh, yes, I have! I've got it! I mean, I love it!

-I wish I could watch more of it!

-We're smashing it. Team GB all the way, I reckon!

When Jess won her gold, I thought, "Oh, things can't get any better,"

and then that, um, oh...what's his name? The boy that did the, um...

-Rutherford?

-Yes! Gold!

-Don't forget Mo.

-Mo?!

-Farah!

-Yes, gold!

What about our own Queen Vic Pendleton?

She is such an inspiration!

-And we've still got Daley to come on Friday.

-Mm-hm.

It makes me feel proud to be a Londoner.

-They're just doing the whole country proud, that's for sure.

-Yeah.

Oh, you off?

Yes, thanks very much, it was really great.

Dee, got you something.

Kim, I could actually do with a hand here,

I've got a couple of guests checking in at 12...

Is that my new suitcase?

I'm just borrowing it.

Oh, no, no, no, you help yourself.

Although you could probably fit that in your back pocket.

Look, I just don't want to get into the trap of being all domesticated.

I think that's one trap you don't have to worry about.

Oh, Dee, it's going to be so good.

Two of us, not having to listen for keys in the door...

Stop imagining my boyfriend naked.

So he's actually done it, has he? Actually asked you?

No. But he will, now that me and Sash are BFFs.

It's obvious.

SHE LAUGHS

What?

-Nothing.

-You don't think he's going to ask me?

Oh, it's all right. I get it.

I see what all this is about, yeah.

You're jealous!

PHONE RINGS

Yeah, I'm just leaving now. I'll meet you there.

How will I know you'll show up this time?

Some serious grovelling, that's what it's going to take.

SHE GIGGLES

Yeah, that 'an all.

Can you believe the barrel is still playing up?

Is it all right if I pop to the shops?

-Oh, darling...

-What?

I'm not about to hit Prada. Don't worry.

I know, it's just a busy day,

finalising the Community Day and I got to pop to the bank later on...

I've got Nan to help.

Say what, help? Are you using that word ironically, are you?

Swallowed a dictionary, Alfie?

Gobby, do you want to keep it schtum, all right?

Nonsense.

I've finally found myself a good man and you can't bear it.

Ridiculous. Patrick, will you tell my sister I am not jealous?

Patrick, ask my sister why she's trying to ruin my big surprise.

Well...

Well, because I happen to think that the fact that

Ray has not breathed a word about this mysterious new flat,

happens to be, sorry, just a tiny bit odd.

And because I happen to not want my darling, thick-headed sister

to get hurt.

See, she cares about you.

No, Patrick, that's what she wants you to believe.

You see, the truth is, this is about her, about the fact that her bed

is so cold she has to apply defrost every morning.

Look, maybe we should take this up later, all right?

Why is that? That's the question she should be asking herself.

-Man, let's leave questions till later...

-No, Patrick, no.

Let her go, let's hear what she's got to say.

You're boring.

Boring?

Yeah. The highlight of your day is washing laundry.

Not being funny, but men don't find that a turn on.

-Anything else?

-Yeah. You're bossy, you're uptight, sour faced, moody.

I mean, look at you, you can't even dress right.

Weren't you supposed to go to the shops?

What are you, his little spy? I'll go when I'm ready.

I'm going to go get in the shower.

Do you want a medal?

Look, make sure he don't move.

I can look after him, Ben!

She's smiling!

What? I haven't seen her smile.

No, no.

False alarm.

Wind or something.

Do you think she needs changing?

I have no idea.

-I'll check, shall I?

-Yeah.

DOORBELL RINGS

Who is it?

It's the three wise men.

Get rid of them.

Why? Come on. They've made an effort.

I don't want any visitors.

They're family, Janine.

Michael, I just don't feel ready. Please.

THEY CHEER

Who's the daddy?

Oh, that'll be me, then.

That's just in case you forgot that.

Well done. Very amusing.

-Where is she then?

-Yeah, Tyler wants a kiss.

-So do you.

-Yeah, I know, but...

Must be a weight off your shoulders. Starting family life now.

-Good on you.

-Yeah, thanks for that, yeah.

She in here, then?

Oh, lads, lads, lads, actually she's having a bit of a nap.

It's all right, we'll be quiet.

I know, but just not today. Not today, yeah?

Give it a couple of weeks, you know, you'll be sick of the sight of her.

Yeah, of course. We'll give you space.

All right, appreciate that. Lovely, cheers.

Thanks for this, it's nice of you.

How about we go out for a drink this week? Wet the baby's head?

Yeah, yeah, I'd love that.

-Shush, be quiet. Let's go.

-Come on, boys.

Look, even I have to admit that is sweet.

Shut that door, Michael, there's a draught.

DOOR SLAMS

Sorry.

You looking forward to the big community cook off?

Yeah, I've got some ideas up my sleeve.

Oh, yeah?

Few people round here might be a bit surprised,

but Beale means business.

You sound spookily like your dad.

Well, let me tell you,

I am going to be throwing down some serious burger flavours, all right?

Yeah, yeah, I reckon you'll walk it, Luce.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, all right.

I got some big stakes riding on this, there's a promotion going

and I've got to find some way of impressing that Nico.

Strategy. That's the key, Fats.

-Did he ask you, Dad?

-Strategy?

-Write a business plan.

-Business plan?

Yeah, you know, something designed to bring money,

ideas for pulling in the punters in, promotions.

You got a brain, ain't you?

You know what, that's a good idea, man. Thanks, Mr Branning.

-No worries.

-Nice. I like your dad, man.

Break over in three, two, one.

You're late.

-All right, sweetheart?

-Name's not sweetheart.

No, what is it, then?

None of your business.

Sorry. Sorry.

TV ON

Where have you been, eh?

I know you can hear me, Ian.

You're really not there, are you?

How do you do that?

Lock yourself away?

Looking so peaceful, like no-one can touch you.

I could do with a bit of that.

God knows I need it.

Come on, Lucy'll come round.

You know what a stubborn little mare she can be.

She just needs a little bit of time.

SHE SIGHS

You know, I used to quite like watching daytime TV.

Maybe that's because I used to watch it with Hev.

Dozy cow couldn't get enough of it.

What is it, Ian?

What have I said?

What's happened?

INDISTINCT CHATTER

You all right, Lucy?

I was just wondering, you and Bobby all right?

Have you told Bobby about your dad?

Dad!

No.

Well, if you ever want to talk, Tan's a really good listener.

I'm a really good listener and I'm her mate.

I'm just saying, if she wants a more adult opinion.

Thanks, but the only opinion I'm interested in is my own.

And then, what if he decides to come over?

What then?

Look, if he's got any sense he'll stay away.

What, so he just turned the TV off?

It was weird, it was like he was trying to tell me something.

What?

I don't know.

What was you talking about before?

Stupid daytime TV. It can't have been that.

Only I did...

What?

I did. I said something about Lucy coming round.

I've got an idea.

Has she done that thing with her head before?

What thing?

Twisting it to the side like that?

Oh, the looking at the source of light thing?

Maybe I should ring the Outreach Nurse.

No, maybe you shouldn't. They didn't tell us to look for that.

Well, they barely said anything, Michael.

One minute she's hooked up to every machine under the sun,

making sure that she's fine, and then the next,

there's only us to keep an eye on her.

All right, calm down, calm down. It's fine.

I know you're worried, but I'm not going to let anything happen to us.

-We're going to be fine, OK?

-Pass my phone.

Oh, hello, this is Janine Butcher, Scarlett Moon's mum.

Yeah, I just wondered, I need to speak to my Outreach Nurse.

DOORBELL RINGS

Tell whoever it is to go away.

Thank you.

Hello.

This could be a terrible time,

but I wondered if I could come in and see Janine for a minute?

Silly idea, sorry. I'll come back later.

No.

No, it's fine. Come in.

JANINE SIGHS

I said don't let anyone in, especially not her.

She's not staying, you need to tell her to leave.

-I need to tell her to leave?

-Yeah, that's right.

You need to tell her to leave.

Where are you going? Michael?

Hello, yes, this is Janine Butcher.

Here, here look at this, Ian, Ian look.

Come on, come here, in memory of Arthur Fowler.

You remember him, don't you? Your Uncle Arthur?

I don't, but you know, you used to talk about him quite a bit.

Said he weren't a ground breaker, but one of the good guys.

Just a bench, I suppose, really.

Happy hour milkshakes? That's it?

That's your master plan?

Well, no, that's just a start, man, I've got plenty of ideas.

And do they all involve giving away food for free?

Only I don't recall that being great for business.

All right, look, I'm going to go back to the drawing board, yeah?

I will, I want you to know how serious I am about this promotion.

-Your friend, with the long dark hair...

-Who, Lauren?

Has she got a boyfriend?

No. No, not that I know of.

You got her number?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, OK, you know, let me run it past her first, all right.

Then if it's good with her, we're good to go.

Business is really not your thing, is it, Arthur?

And you're absolutely sure?

OK, thank you.

SHE GROANS

You are not welcome here.

I won't be long, I just want to say...

Just go.

I've never been able to forgive myself for what

-I said to you on your wedding day.

-I just want you to get out, please!

Although I'll never forget what you did to me and Stacey,

I still shouldn't have stooped to your level.

I don't want to hear it!

Saying that you and Michael would never love your baby...

I don't care!

..was wicked, Janine. It was a wicked thing to say.

Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!

I am very, very sorry.

There, now you know, I'll go.

BABY CRIES

Did a shift here the other day. You would have been proud, Ian.

You know, I got the patter down quite well.

Come on.

Ian? You're back?

Ian? Are you OK, love? What's happened to him?

-Nothing, he's fine.

-Doesn't look like nothing to me.

No, honestly, he's fine, all right. He just needs a bit of space.

Stop crowding round him!

What's going to happen to him? Shouldn't we call someone?

Wherever has he been?

Ian?

Come on, Ian, let's go.

He's just a bit confused, that's all. Come on.

-What's wrong with him?

-Dot?

What did he say? What did he say?

Dot?

She's not here, she's in Milton Keynes,

with her daughter-in-law, Ian.

That don't mean she don't care, though, Ian. She's still around.

BABY CRIES

She just keeps crying.

They do that.

Yeah, but what does it mean?

Well, sometimes it means "I'm hungry",

sometimes it means "I'm tired",

sometimes it means just "hold me".

"Hold me."

BABY CRIES

She's perfect.

She's too perfect. Too perfect for us.

You and Michael have got to stop playing games with each other.

You've got to talk to each other, you've got to listen to each other

because that little girl needs both of you. Don't let her down.

DOOR CLOSES

'At the tone, please leave...'

Beale? Off his rocker? That's the best news I've heard all day.

-There's some things you don't joke about.

-Wouldn't be laughing if you saw him,

looked like Tom Hanks out of that film.

You know, the one where he talks to that rugby ball.

It's really weird, I couldn't believe it was Ian.

The state he was in, it was surreal.

It's all over that Mandy girl?

Women. They have a lot to answer for.

Hear, hear, Paddy.

Thought my ears were burning.

You know, not everything's about you.

I'm just going to go and see Ray, yeah.

Oh, sweetheart, you won't find him in there,

he's taken the day off. What, has he not told you? Anyway, he'll be back soon enough.

Get him out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out!

-Lucy, calm down.

-Joey!

-Calm down, Lucy.

-Get out! Get out!

-Don't touch him. We're going to go.

-Come on, Ian, we're going to go.

-All right, move it. Come on, move.

Come on, mate, you're freaking her out.

HE SOBS

All right, mate, calm down, take it easy.

-Ian. Ian? ..Look what you've done now.

-I barely said a word.

Ian? Ian, what's wrong?

What's happened to him?

Jay. Over here! Help me.

Please help me get him home. I need you.

Ben, I said what has happened to him and why is he in this state?

Yeah, and I said we're looking after him!

Jay, get the other hand. Get the other one. Come on. Get up, Ian.

Cheers.

Didn't do it for you.

Michael, it's me again.

Sorry.

I shouldn't have snapped.

And I should have said thank you for making it all nice

for when Scarlett got home.

I just feel a bit...

Where are you anyway?

You've been gone ages.

You reckon Michael and Janine are all right?

Yeah. It's just probably a bit scary

after coming home after all that time in hospital.

Ahh, aren't you sensitive sometimes.

You all right, Lauren?

-Hi.

-How did you get on? Get that promotion?

No, my boss didn't really go for the big strategies.

-Ah, well. Bad luck.

-Yeah, yeah.

But he did say that if I do something that I, you know,

don't particularly believe is right, I would probably get it.

He's a total fascist. You just need to walk away from it.

-Oh, right, Lauren's probably right.

-Thank you, Dad, that's a first.

Yeah, if you want to be a loser for the rest of your life.

Fats, if it don't involve dead bodies or kittens,

there's no harm.

Give me one minute, babes, I'm sorry.

Yo. Yeah, Nico. Yeah, man, I've got that number for you.

What, no bags?

Thought I was going to have to sell Mo on the black market,

amount of time you were gone.

I bumped into a mate and we had some lunch.

Ah, look, there you are! Now come on.

-Excuse me.

-Dee, Dee, just ignore her.

-What you doing, Kim?

-That's a good question.

Ray has something to say.

I do?

Don't sound too good, Raymundo.

-I know your big secret.

-What secret?

Look, Dee don't believe me.

So come on, just 'fess up

so we can wipe that smug look off her face once and for all.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Yes, you do.

What's with all the sneaking around?

The estate agent papers? Come on, just spill. Tell her.

You told me he was in Devon.

I knew there was something wrong and you just lied to my face.

Does Jane know about this?

Jane? Jane has nothing to do with our lives any more.

This is about me and Bobby.

So don't come in here acting all concerned,

-trying to make me feel bad.

-You know I care about you.

I can help you, you don't have to do this on your own.

I don't have to do this full stop.

He's your dad, Luce.

No. He lost that right when he left me to deal with everything.

I've had to hold everything together,

the house, the businesses, I've coped.

So if he thinks he can come back here looking like that, and what?

I'm supposed to feel sorry for him?

Well, he's wrong, because I don't.

Through there. Go on, through there.

Sit yourself down over there.

Jay, where you going?

Jay, Jay, we need to get help, Jay, we need to get Dad...

Look, that flat, it ain't for you, Kim.

-It's for Deanne.

-Deanne?

-Your ex?

Yeah. Yeah, but look it's not like that, all right.

Look, she was in a tight spot so I agreed to help her out.

So I can get to see Sasha more often.

How could you?

How could I what? Be a responsible father?

Course I forgot, man, that's a crime around here, innit?

You lied.

No, no, Kim. No. I didn't lie, all right?

I just hadn't got round to telling you yet.

Look, I didn't know you were going to be sneaking about,

searching through my stuff, like a total headcase.

I only saw you 15 minutes ago.

Yeah, me an' all.

DOOR OPENS

Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt.

Ray, you and Kim all right?

Not sure if there is a me and Kim right now, to be honest.

Oi, don't say that. You two are great together.

-What's your secret, Kat?

-Eh?

How do you and Alfie make it look so easy?

DOOR OPENS

Didn't you get any of my messages?

Yeah. I was with Anthony and Tyler, doing a stock thing.

What, and you thought that was more important?

SHE EXHALES

-I'm sorry.

-It's OK.

I'm glad you're back.

We are going to be enough for her, aren't we?

Yeah, yeah, course we are.

What was you thinking of, taking him out?

I just wanted to help him, he's not well, we should call a doctor.

That's a great idea(!)

You just ain't getting this, are you? Come here.

Now take a look at him. Take a good, good look.

He's gone. He don't remember a thing.

But if he starts to get better who knows what might start coming back?

Hey?

So that...

That is the price of our freedom.

TV ON

Safe to sit down?

What is this?

It's meant to be an "I'm going to miss you" present...

but now it's kind of more ironic, I guess.

Aw...

Here...I'm sorry that you're staying...

with your boring, ugly, uptight sister...

Nah, I didn't call you ugly, Dee.

Let's be fair.

-Not sour-faced, then?

-You could smile, like, more.

I would, it's just I've got this really annoying sister.

-It just kind of makes it impossible.

-Hmm.

DOOR CLOSES

Dee, why am I such an idiot?

Aw... Come here.

Oh...

Is it safe to come in?

-Yeah.

-Hmm.

We're best friends, apparently.

Come sit down.

You all right?

He said anything?

Yeah, been chewing my earhole off all morning.

Come on, Ian, let's get you back to bed.

SHE LAUGHS

-What?

-Just that sentence. Never thought I'd hear you say that.

-She all right?

-No.

She's cold. I can't seem to get the temperature right.

-She looks all right to me...

-You can't tell just by looking.

Room's meant to be 18, and it says 16 on here.

-Do you want...a cup of tea, or something?

-No.

No, thanks. Just go back to bed.

Thank you, though.

Listen, can you stick the sound system outside? Cheers.

Beers in the usual place... ta.

MOBILE RINGS

Hello? Alfie Moon, multi-task award-winning champion of 2012,

what can I do for you?

What? Oh, really?

All right, mate. Not to worry. Can't be helped.

-Just breathe, breathe...

-You stressed?

-Stress?

I don't do stress. It's not in my vocabulary. This cook-off will go without a glitch.

# Money made in heaven... #

Sounds good to me!

Stick a tenner down for me on Ray.

Right.

No, no.

Please...are you doing a book on this? What's the matter with you?

Did I not tell you about the journalist from the Gazette who'll be here all day?

This is supposed to be a PR exercise

for Ray's grub, not some sleazy tabloid story...

Oi! Chill out!

It's not as if she's tapping phones, is it?

OK, OK. Just let me breathe, breathe... Love you.

Breathe, Alfie, breathe. Perfect, mate! Lovely.

Hey, hey. All right, Fats?

-How you doing?

-All right.

You might as well engrave my name on that trophy right now, rude boy.

Actually, it's a certificate, courtesy of the lovely Jean Slater.

-I thought you were doing chicken burgers or something?

-The idea is to kind of...

All right, Dr Poppa?

Will be, once you've put this on.

Serious?

He has a huge beard and he refuses to wash. Just sits there staring at the wall.

Probably wise, living at Phil Mitchell's.

That's another thing. They hate each other. Why would he stay there?

Tell you, I would not mind being a fly on that wall!

Isn't there a rule about Ramadan and gossiping?

I am not gossiping!

I am simply being a concerned neighbour, that's all.

Whose idea was it to enter a cooking competition during Ramadan?

When you've finished this, can you go to the restaurant and get napkins

-then come back and chop onions?

-Tamwar,

I'm relying on you today to be my sanity. OK?

Why's it such a big deal for her, anyway?

Clue's in the word "competition".

-All right, Del?

-All right, Masood?

Oh, I'm having some of that, Jean!

Put me down for a tenner!

-Oh, thanks, Derek. It's all for a good cause.

-Forget the cause,

I'd pay good money to see Shirley Carter hanging from a rope.

PHONE RINGS

Yes? Yes, Jean!

How am I feeling? Terrific.

I'm feeling just terrific.

Yes. OK. I'll see you later.

You all right?

I want you to stay at home and watch him today.

-On my own?

-No, thought I'd draft in the army!

I got to concentrate on Shirl's big day. And no more going walkabouts.

You could help me...

Is Bobby at his mate's all day?

Uh-huh.

Then...just think what we could be doing with our day, eh?

You, me...

your house.

Your empty house.

After the competition.

And you can help me set up the stall.

Why's all this mean so much to you anyway, eh?

Is it your old man?

This has nothing to do with him.

This is about me and my future.

And no-one is going to get in my way.

All right, yeah. What time?

-Lovely.

-DOOR CLOSING

I gotta go.

-Who was that?

-Boxing agent.

-Gotta go.

-How long are you going to be?

Couple of hours, all right?

Sauce?

Oh! Oh, yeah, nice one, I'm starving.

You sit down. Let's have some breakfast.

No, Janine's fine. I think she'd appreciate it, that's all.

I don't know, Michael. I'm not sure.

Good man. Just make it seem casual, yeah? Like I didn't say anything.

So, she's gone completely mental, then?

I dunno.

Pops, just wait here one minute.

Eh? Where you going?

If you wanted a dictionary definition for Sod's Law

-this would be it, right here.

-Don't be so defeatist, babe.

It's London Memorabilia, Christian. For the Olympics.

I know what it is! So?

So, we'll have get selling.

Please, if I'm going to stand any chance of saving this from being an outright disaster...

I would if I could but I've agreed to be a judge for the cook-off now.

Great, I suppose I've got to get Yas ready

-for the baby competition as well?

-Look on the bright side - end of the day you'll be £500 better off.

Yeah, with a mum declaring World War III.

Would you like a leaflet for the baby contest?

-OK.

-Thank you.

Lexi, we're going to be rich! We're going to be rich, look!

Hey, you! Fancy being my chief head tast...?

Kim? Kim!

-Seen Shirley?

-No, why?

She is all right, isn't she? About the abseil?

She's gone AWOL.

AWOL? What d'you mean, AWOL?

-I've got £600 sponsorship money here! Where AWOL?

-I don't know.

That's generally what it means, don't it?

BABY CRYING

-Shh.

-She's really grown, ain't she, Janine?

-Proper little smasher, ain't she, Lo?

-Why aren't you working?

-Community Day, ain't it?

-Last time I checked it wasn't a public holiday.

We only popped over to say hello. I mean, if it's a bad time...?

Come on, please, baby. Shh.

-You've just had a feed.

-Probably stressed.

-What?

-Stress.

When you're stressed, they sense it and it stresses them out...

Well, I'm not stressed!

-That's not what Michael says.

-Shh... What? Has he sent you over here?

No, no, he didn't send us over, he just, sort of, pointed us in the right...

I do not need checking up on, all right? I'm doing just fine.

I'm... I'm adjusting.

Shh, shh.

They don't like it when you shout.

See, there you go.

Right, well, we'll leave you to it, then.

It's funny, innit? When you have a baby? Everyone starts cooing.

It's not like she's baby Jesus or anything, is it?

-Well, we'll be off, Janine.

-W... See ya.

Ooh, Billy...

DOOR CLOSES

..you've forgotten something.

Oh!

What you doing here?

How'd you get in? Is Patrick here?

Shirley?

Shirley, has something happened? What's wrong?

So, you're still at the boxing gym?

And you're going to be there for a while longer, yeah?

No.

No, we're OK.

Yeah. Bye.

How would you like...to go and find Daddy? Hmm?

PHONE BEEPS

Right, here you go.

Nice cuppa for ya.

Is that a picture of Carly's baby?

No. No, it's a video, actually.

I'll show it to you.

Ain't it amazing, all the things you can do with a phone nowadays, innit?

Only got a few pictures of Libby and Chelsea at that age.

Here, watch this!

Watch, he looks like he's saluting, look.

-Shirl, maybe I can have a word?

-I gotta go.

-Shirl, I've...

Just before we start our cook-off, specially for the boys and girls,

we have a visual treat for you.

Will you please welcome the one and only Fats The Chicken!

LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Does a wonderful omelette!

It's not a fancy dress, mate!

-Takes some stuffing, innit?

-Keep it clean, Derek.

Happy, are ya?

Right, everybody, we're about to start our Walford Olympic Cook-off.

-'Ere, what's the odds on your man Ray, there?

-We're not doing bets...

Oi, I'll give you two to one for that.

-Mo, what's the matter with you? We're not doing that today.

-Shut up!

This is family entertainment. Once you've tried our culinary delights,

if you'd like to wash it down with some fine lager,

then make your way into the world-famous watering hole, better known as the Queen Victoria!

-Can we get on with it, please?

-Yeah, all right, darling.

-So, are we all ready to start?

-CHEERING

OK, let's see if our contestants are ready.

First of all, we've got beautiful Lucy Beale.

-Are you ready, Lucy?

-Yeah, I'm ready.

-Lucy's ready.

Fats The Chicken, are you ready?

Good to go, brother, good to go!

-Yes, I am ready.

-Zainab's ready, everybody.

And, of course, last, but by no means least, everybody,

from the Queen Victoria - the one, the only, Ray Dixon!

CHEERING AND BOOING

So, are we ready to start?

We're going to have a countdown from three to one. Are we ready?

Three...two...one...

Start cooking!

-Come on, Zainab!

-Go on, Fats!

-Come on, Ray!

Here you go, mate.

Ian?

Ian, you upstairs?

DOOR CLOSES

Has Shirley come back here?

What's happened?

I only took my eyes off him for a second, right? Just a second, Dad.

You find Beale and I'll look for Shirley, all right?

Go on, go and find him!

What is your father doing mucking around like that?

He's got to get Kamil ready for the baby competition.

Probably wishing he'd taken that job!

What?

Er, nothing.

No, no, you definitely said something, Tamwar.

HE SQUEAKS

Now you just made a noise.

What noise?

"Eh"!

"Eh"? It's not a word, is it?

I know that but I am not the one making incomprehensible noises

just to irritate his mother. Now explain to me, what does "eh" mean?

It...

Tamwar?

OK...

Dad got the job...

but he didn't take it because he knew that

you'd think you couldn't afford the pay cut.

-Really?

-Yeah, I'm going to get some napkins.

Janine? Ahh!

-Oh, she is adorable.

-Er, is this Pat?

Erm, Scarlett...

-She don't look like you.

-Babies don't look like their parents.

It's just one of those things that people say

because essentially all they're looking at

is a really stupid food and waste machine.

That's cute, Tam. Cute.

Hey, babe, hey.

Can you give her some space, please? She's not really used to crowds.

Hey, shh.

It's OK.

Shirley?

I'm just testing the suspension.

What you so afraid of? Eh?

Might have something to do with that 50-ft drop.

The geezer from the sports centre's going to be there.

-It's perfectly safe.

-What you saying, that it's all in my head?

Yeah.

And THAT is not going to help.

Look at me...