11/07/2014 EastEnders Omnibus

PATRICK CHUCKLES

Karaoke, eh?

Yeah. You going to come over and give us a little number later, Patrick?

Ah, we'll see. If you're lucky.

You're popular today. Who's that?

You remember that guy I met at Pride - Gianluca?

Yeah. The Italian one?

Yeah. He's in London, he wants to see me tonight.

Do you like him?

Yeah.

Invite him to this.

Let me think about that for a minute...

Absolutely not.

You scared of what Mum might say?

No.

John, you've got to do it at some point.

Obviously. Obviously.

Hi. I was just wondering if my magazine had arrived yet?

Yeah, it might have. If it is, it's somewhere in one of those.

Hi.

-Sorry. Can you come back?

-Man, you keep saying that.

I could have ordered it on the internet

if I knew how to get online.

Is everything all right?

HE GRUMBLES

Hey.

You happy?

Sure.

Pity we can't stay in bed all day.

Why don't you get yourself up and I'll buy us a late breakfast?

OK.

Get your trotters off the table.

You'll have to shoot off in a minute.

-I'm not doing any harm.

-I know and I don't care.

I've got to prepare Linda's surprise

and this is going to be a nice ladies' spa room.

All the more reason to stay.

You lot are no fun.

I'd better go and knock for Cora.

-Sorry, knock for Cora? What are you, 12?

-SHE LAUGHS

What a cheek. I don't look a day over 11.

Have we heard anything from Shirley yet?

No. I've text her, but I've heard nothing back.

She'll come around. The wanderer always returns.

Right. So... Pinot Grigio.

Got a facial cleansing mask...

We've got aromatherapy oils. Lovely. Oh, a cucumber.

-Ooh! Why've we got a cucumber?

-For her minces!

-Oh.

-All right.

Ah, peppermint foot lotion.

No way am I rubbing her feet.

You will be rubbing her feet. I need you to keep her upstairs.

-For how long?

-For as long as it takes.

But what if she puts on ABBA?

-Then you're going to get up and you're going to dance.

-SHE GROANS

Why you can't just tell us what the surprise is?

Cos you and Johnny are too easily bribed.

-Don't worry. You'll find out later.

-Is it a stripper?

What're you talking about strippers for? Don't need strippers.

Look at me. I've got the body of a swimmer.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Seriously, listen,

it'll mean a lot to her, you spending a bit of time with her.

< Mick?

In the living room.

I thought we agreed we weren't going to have karaoke?

Hello. What's all this for?

It's for you!

What was that? Did I hear someone say "indoor spa day?"

-SHE SHRIEKS HAPPILY

-Nancy!

HAPPY SIGH

Here.

Medical journal? Are you sure this is what he ordered?

Yeah. I remember thinking it was weird at the time.

So why didn't you tell me?

You don't think there's something wrong with him, do you?

I do now.

TV PLAYS IN BACKGROUND

Aw! Look at William! How cute is he?

-Are you sure he's yours, Pops?

-Oi! I'm gorgeous, I am.

Yeah. So he's doing well, then, is he?

Looks like it.

-Living the American dream, eh?

-Except they're in Canada.

All right - living the Canadian dream, then.

I don't think there's such a thing.

Pops, I know you miss him, but you've just got to try and look

on the bright side now - you get to spend more time with Janet an' that.

Yeah.

DRINK POURS

BIRDS TWEET

What's this?

Sounds distinctly like a woodland forest on a beautiful

summer's morning to me, Mother.

-What? I chose it specially.

-It's a bit weird.

-It's relaxing. Now close your eyes, please.

-OK.

Just go with it.

Let the sound of the...wood and the...

..song of the bird wash over you.

Find your happy place - your inner you...

-Who is Linda?

-Are you on something?

-Fine! I won't do it, then!

-Oh, Nance!

No. I hated it anyway.

-I'm only teasing you!

-It was stupid.

It was a little bit stupid.

Cos, I mean, we can pretend we're in a woodland forest but at the

end of the day we're in the living room and it's just you and me.

-And, actually, that's all I want. That IS my happy place.

-Aw!

If you get rid of all Stan's horrible stuff.

Shall I just do the face masks?

Yuck!

I was just coming to look for you. Fancy a cuppa?

I feel like something stronger.

Well, we can still have a stiff drink in the caff.

Have you never heard of an Irish coffee?

You old devil.

You sure you're OK?

Yeah. I'm as right as rain, why?

You ordered the thing. Why didn't you tell me?

What am I supposed to think?

HE CHUCKLES

You silly woman!

Look now, man. It's my son, Anthony.

He's written an article about his time in Cambodia.

Look at him, man. My boy! Handsome like his father, eh?

-So why you didn't tell me about this?

-You didn't ask me.

I didn't mean it like that.

You've had so much on your plate lately.

HE CHUCKLES

Look at him. My boy...

Yeah, man.

-All right, Dad?

-Hi, Tina.

I feel like I owe you an apology for not going with you to see Aunt Babe.

-It's fine.

-You're upset with me.

-I just feel a bit judged, that's all.

-Judged?

You've obviously got your reservations.

Yes, of course I have.

I've got a lot going on at the moment.

But I get it, Tina. You're doing it for your family.

And because of that I'm willing to turn a blind eye.

MUSIC: "In The Waiting Line" by Zero 7

This is the life, ain't it?

Mmm.

Where's your cucumber? Oh Nancy!

I'm going to go down and get some more Pinot.

-No!

-Why?

-I'll go.

-No, no, you're all right. I'll go.

-No, no, no. I'll go.

-Honestly.

-Mum, you're relaxing.

-Yeah, and you're hiding something.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Nancy, I weren't born yesterday.

So you'd better tell me what's going on.

SHE GROANS

-What are you saying? You thought he wasn't well?

-Yeah.

But he's all right?

It just turns out it's cos Anthony was in that magazine.

-Right, so what's the problem?

-Well, there wasn't one.

-So why are we having this conversation?

-I feel bad.

You know, I haven't been around for him much lately.

But there's nothing wrong with him.

If there was. I've just been so distracted with all this...

Distracted?

I didn't mean it like that.

No, no, no. It's fine. Don't let me distract you any more.

I'd hate to keep you from someone else's non-existent problems.

Come on, you know that's not what I meant.

Denise, I really haven't got time for this. All right.

If it bothers you that much, go and talk to Patrick.

Here.

It's not my style.

Why? I think it'd look lovely on you.

You don't like the way I dress. I'm representing the council.

I need to look smart.

So what's your excuse for when you're not representing the council?

HE TUTS

Come on. I'm only playing with you.

But you're not, are you?

I just think you could afford to mix it up a little bit.

You think a jacket will fix him, do you?

Oi, oi, oi. Leave it. He's not worth it. Just leave it.

I'll tell you what, come on. I want to go clubbing.

-I fancy busting some moves.

-I don't feel like it.

Why? Cos you can't dance?

-As a matter of fact, I'm an excellent dancer.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

It isn't a power cut. You sure it isn't a fuse?

Nah. Probably just some dodgy wiring. Don't worry about it.

I'll have a look.

Well, if I pop to the shop I'm not going to come back to find

-you've been electrocuted, am I?

-Don't be stupid. Go on. Go.

-Be careful.

-Yeah.

-See ya.

-See ya later.

DOOR CLOSES

I knew it was too good to be true.

What?

Me and you having girlie time together.

When you were little, me and your dad bought you

this Princess Jasmine costume for a party.

Did you hair in bunches. Covered in sequins.

You looked lovely. Anyway, we dropped you off

and we weren't five minutes down the road when your dad's mobile rang.

We had to turn around and come straight back -

you'd ripped off the costume and were running

around in your pants, covered in mud, playing football with the boys.

NANCY LAUGHS What can I say?

I'm more of a World Cup girl than a beauty queen, Mum.

I know. And I've accepted that fact.

And that I'll never get you in a dress.

Still, if this is what it takes to spend time with you

I might as well go with it.

Go with what?

Or of course, I could always tell your dad you slipped up

and it's game over?

It's up to you...

SHE GROANS

I'll go and get the wine.

Good! I'll put on the ABBA.

NANCY GRUMBLES

SHE CHUCKLES

That's lovely. You must be really proud.

Yeah. I always said he'd do well.

And now he's in magazines.

-Can I have a look at it?

-Yeah, yeah...

Have you got a minute?

-Give it here.

-What for?

I just... I wanted to apologise

if it feels like I haven't been around for you lately.

What are you talking about?

Why didn't you tell me about the article?

-Oh, come on. It's just an article.

-But it's important to you.

Like I said before, you've got a lot on your plate with Ian.

What are you so worried about?

Well, you know. It's just, you know, when I saw the medical journal

I thought something might be wrong...

But there isn't, is there? I'm fine.

And you'd tell me, though, if there was?

Of course, my baby.

It's just, I don't want you to feel that

I take our friendship for granted.

Libby and Chelsea are getting on with their lives

and Kim's off with her new man.

You...

You're the only true friend I've got, the only one who listens.

Is there still trouble with Ian?

He hasn't got time for my problems. I mean, why would he?

Because he should.

Do you want me to have a word with him?

No. No, honestly. This. This is enough. All right.

Hey. I'll take that.

-Very impressive.

-Thanks.

Stan...

How's it coming along?

Yeah. Getting there.

Dad...

Yes, son?

Could I run something by you?

Course you can.

Tonight, would it be weird if I asked...

Hold on a minute. What's the matter? Is everything all right?

Have we got any of that Pinot Grigio that Mum likes?

Yes. Cop for that.

You do realise she's put on ABBA, don't you?

-Yeah, all right.

-PHONE BEEPS

Ah! He's here.

He?

Get yourself upstairs and keep your trap shut. All right.

MUSIC: "Dancing Queen" by ABBA

# You can dance

# You can jive

# Having the time of your life... #

MUSIC FADES

SHE LAUGHS ECSTATICALLY

Wine! What?

I know what my present is!

How?!

SHE SHRIEKS EXCITEDLY

You don't know how happy I am to see that boat.

-Right, just stop there.

-What are we down here for?

In case your mum comes down busying herself.

-I fancy a pint.

-All right.

Listen, you'll get your pint, but I've got to get you in here first.

What for?

We're going to wrap you up, surprise for your mum.

You're having a laugh. I've been on a plane for hours and a packed tube.

Why do you want me getting in that?

Shut up. You'll be in here five minutes, tops. All right.

What's the matter with ya?

-Let me out! I want to see him!

-No.

-Why?

This is all my fault. I was supposed to be distracting you.

-Oh, well. You failed.

-Dad's going to kill me.

-Let me out!

No, Mum, please...

SHE GROANS

All right, fine.

-I've just thought of something.

-What?

They don't know that we know, which means we can have some fun...

THEY BOTH CACKLE

Ian, I was wondering if I could have a word?

Yeah, sure. What is it?

Remember, I lost a son...

So I know the pain you're going through.

I know what it does to you.

Denise doesn't begrudge being there whenever you need her -

she's a good woman like that -

always puts the need of others before her own.

-I know.

-Good.

But be careful not to take her for granted.

Listen to her once in a while.

Sometimes I found listening to other people's concerns

actually helped to ease my problems for a little while.

Yeah, man.

Well, I'll leave you to get on with it. All right.

The players are about to get played!

OK. Sit down.

Wait, wait, that's gel spray!

Nah, it's empty. I filled it up with water. Close your eyes.

Will you do me favour?

Will you text Dean and see if he'll bring his decks tonight?

What's wrong with karaoke?

Mum, you can't let what happened put you off karaoke forever.

Other people doing karaoke...

My feelings were just hurt a bit, that's all.

I'd feel more comfortable if we had a disco. Please.

Course. It's your party. I'll text Dean.

-But you can deal with Dad.

-All right. Thank you.

This isn't so bad after all, is it?

THEY LAUGH

MICK SHOUTS

Act sick!

Right. Your present's here.

SHE GROANS

What's the matter?

She's got a temperature, Pop. She's burning up.

It was that foot rub Nancy gave me, I think

it released a lot of toxicity.

What're you talking about, toxicity?

I don't know, Mick. I'm not a doctor.

Come and open your present. Come on, it'll make you feel better.

Is it a magic present?

She needs some rest, Pop. She's really not well.

-Do you want me to get you a nice cold flannel?

-Yeah.

SHE COUGHS WEAKLY

Wow. Who is this gorgeous, fashionable man?

You didn't have to buy it.

A new jacket every now and then won't do any harm.

Just know that you won't be going anywhere near my hair.

Oh, really? We'll see about that, won't we?

So, listen, is this cos of what Alfie said earlier?

Don't be silly.

SHE LAUGHS

Good. Because I wouldn't want to change you.

I like you just the way you are.

Admittedly a little bit more in that jacket.

Come on. Let's go clubbing.

Wow. Where did you train?

HE GASPS

-LEE:

-Hello?

What?

Nothing. You'd gone quiet. I thought you'd gone.

No, I'm still here. I'm just thinking.

About what?

I've met someone.

A boy?

Yeah. And he wants to see me tonight.

Right?

And I dunno what to tell him.

Invite him.

You know, I want to, but I think it'd be a bit weird.

It can't be any weirder than this conversation.

I dunno. I don't want to upset Mum. It's her party.

I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable.

Johnny, listen, mate, right. I've been away, seen a few things.

It gives you a bit of perspective on life, and us lot...

we've been wrapped up in cotton wool.

It's not Mum and Dad's fault - they do it out of love.

But sometimes you've got to think for yourself,

do what makes you happy and not worry about what other people think.

Do you like him?

Yeah.

Does he make you happy?

He makes me laugh.

Is he fit?

Just a bit.

LEE LAUGHS

Right. Then I for one want to meet him. So do it.

-Do you think so?

-Yes, you muppet.

-All right. I'm going to do it.

-Good man.

Now do me a favour and go and find out what's going on

-cos I'm busting for the loo.

-Thanks, man.

LEE WHISTLES

You still all right about me leaving early for Linda's party?

Yeah, of course I am. I'll see you later.

-HE LAUGHS You behave.

-Always!

No! I'm half cut already!

Only half? Then you've got a lot of catching up to do, haven't you?

Hiya. Can I get change for that please?

Yeah. Those two are really getting on my nerves.

And getting drunk by the looks of it.

-You're joking?

-No.

So you think this is funny, eh?!

THEY GIGGLE

You're behaving like a wrinkly old pair of children.

Patrick, let me see that?

Patrick's right. You've had your fun, now clear off.

If I catch you bringing booze in here again,

-I'm going to ban both of you from coming in this place.

-Oh, dear.

STAN AND CORA LAUGH

I can get Denise to order you a new one.

No, no. All right. Forget it.

Did you fix it?

No, not yet.

-What was it?

-I don't know.

-Right. Well, we'd better phone someone, then? Maybe Phil?

-No!

Right, what are you not telling me?

All right, look. You've got to keep this to yourself. OK?

I've been running our electricity off of Aleks' flat.

-Eh? How's that even possible?

-It's quite straightforward actually.

Are you off your head or something, Pops? Why?

Because I'm skint, Lo!

I'm completely skint.

I love having Janet here, but she's burning a hole in my pocket.

This single parenting lark - it isn't easy, you know.

SHE SCOFFS You're telling me?

Sorry.

Right, well, you can't keep this up.

What if they find out?

-I don't see what choice we've got.

-What are we going to do, then?

I need to get up to that fuse board.

Now, I know Tosh is out, but I don't know about Tina and Aleks.

I've seen Tina going into the cafe

and I'm pretty sure I've seen Aleks going off somewhere with Roxy.

Good. Right...

You ain't breaking in.

I don't have to.

Where did you get them?

Aleks' flat is one of Janine's old properties.

I just managed to hold on to 'em.

Don't worry. I'll be as quick as I can.

NANCY AND LINDA GIGGLING

-They know.

-How do you know?

-Hark at 'em giggling.

Yeah...but hang on.

-They don't know that we know that they know.

-No.

We can't leave Lee in a cardboard box all afternoon, though.

GIGGLING STOPS

Having fun in here, girls, are we?

Apart from my fever, you mean?

Yeah. Was thinking, perhaps I should take your little temperature.

-I've already done it.

-Always good to get a second opinion.

Yes, it's always very good to get a second opinion.

How can you question me in my hour of need?

-Cos you're not ill, are you?

-I am ill, I'm really ill!

-And you know!

-Know what?

-How did you find out?

Find out what? I don't know what you're on about!

You know what I'm talking about.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Stop it!

-Sorry, I really needed to go.

-Lee!

-Lee!

-My baby!

Happy birthday, baby. I'm sorry it's late.

-I don't care. It's perfect.

-Not so hard!

Good cos I lost the receipt years ago.

Right, I really need to go wee!

SHE LAUGHS HAPPILY

They drew a moustache on it?! What are they, school-children?

-How's Patrick?

-He seemed pretty angry.

I would be! I'm going to go and see him.

Will you do me a favour, Shabnam?

Can you just order us another magazine, please?

-Yeah, of course.

-Thank you.

SHE GASPS

Billy! What the hell are you doing here?!

I'm back for a month

and then I'm off to Chatham in August to do this plumbing course.

Right. So you're going to be around quite a bit more, yeah?

Yeah, course he is.

Well, I can handle Chatham. It's lot closer than Afghanistan.

Oh, I'm so happy that you're back. Tonight's going to be perfect!

Yeah. And while we're all here and in such a good mood...

I thought I'd ask... I was, maybe, thinking...

Shirl...

Denise?!

What?

-You might want to sit down.

-Why?

-Cos I'm going to apologise.

-Oh, right.

Someone hasn't been to see you this afternoon by any chance?

I needed to hear it. OK.

I'm going to be a better listener from now on, I promise you.

I've got to, haven't I?

We've got a wedding to plan.

I thought we could go over some dates over dinner?

I'd like that.

HE GASPS, GLASS SHATTERS

HE BREATHES UNSTEADILY

HE GASPS

DOORBELL RINGS

DOORBELL RINGS

SHE SIGHS

-Where is he?

-Look, he's going to be around somewhere, isn't he? Come on.

Let's go get some dinner and you can check on him later.

This is George. My best mate Heather's little boy.

-Come down to see Dot, haven't we?

-Yeah.

Well, aren't you a handsome little man?

-Shirl, we've been worried sick about you.

-We're just glad you're back.

-Just in time for Mum's party.

-Right, let's get you over to Dot's, eh?

-And I'll show you the pub on the way out.

-Yes, please!

Oi. No lager, all right?

-He's under age.

-THEY LAUGH

-We'd better get ourselves in gear, ain't we?

-Before we... Erm...

-I'm going to go meet someone at the tube.

-Who?

-A boy.

-What boy?!

-You ain't going nowhere. It's your mother's birthday party.

-I know.

-Actually, I um... I invited him here.

-Here!?

Who is he?

Gianluca. I met him at that pre-Pride party you took me to.

-You might have given us a bit of notice, Johnny!

-I know.

-I know, but there was so much going on.

-I said invite him.

Johnny likes him. Look, if I brought a girl back

that I liked, you'd want to meet her, wouldn't you?

-Whereas if it was ME...

-Oh, don't you start, Miss Track-suit-wedding!

-So, Gianluca? Where's he from?

-Italy.

-NANCY LAUGHS

-He's Rome-o-sexual.

-Really?!

-I know a bit of Italian, actually.

You do realise reading the menu out at a pizzeria ain't

-knowing Italian, don't you?!

-Shut up!

What you waiting for? Go and get him!

-OK.

-Mick...

No dialogue out of you. Go and get yourself ready,

go on, it's your birthday party. Get out of it.

I can't BELIEVE you've been nicking our leccy.

-Borrowing.

-Oh, borrowing?!

-You was going to give it back, was you?

-Course!

I promise, I'll pay you back every penny.

-SHE SIGHS

-I thought we were mates, Billy.

We are!

I didn't expect this to go on for so long.

And it's expensive having kids!

-Yeah, and it's expensive when you're TRYING to have kids!

-Yeah, I know.

Look, can we just keep this between me and you?

Cos I don't think Tosh and Aleks'd get it.

Me and you, we can sit down, go through the bills,

work out what I owe you. Just give me two weeks.

-One week. All right?

-OK.

-Everything all right?

-Yeah.

The leccy cut out and Billy came and had a look.

But it was just a fuse.

Yeah. Just a fuse. So, I'll be off then.

-What?

-Oh, please.

Are you going to tell me what that was REALLY about?

-KNOCK ON THE DOOR

-So, George, what do you think?

-This is cool!

-Yeah, well trust me,

I don't want you spending too much time in these places

when you grow up! You've got to get good at your sports, ain't you?

Yeah.

-Where do you want these?

-Oh. Just over there, please.

-You shouldn't have.

-You coming to The Vic?

-I don't know.

Hoping you was going to be my wing-man?

-Don't think I'd be very good company, Phil.

-Why? What is it?

You couldn't sub me 50 quid, could you? For my electricity meter?

-I thought you was looking for another job?

-I am, I have been.

All right. But it's a loan and I want it back.

-Yeah? Do you need it now?

-Yeah.

See, if it was just me I'd be all right, but I've got Lola

-and the kids...

-All right.

-Come on, let's sort it out, and I'll buy you a pint. Yeah.

-Yeah. Cheers.

-When did she get back?

-This afternoon.

Where's she been?

-She didn't say.

-And the kid, who's that?

I think, it's like, her best mate's son or something.

She's taken him to see Dot. I think it's nice.

What's this for?

-Disco, Mick. Linda asked me.

-She didn't run it by me.

-We're having a karaoke.

-She doesn't want to.

She's still funny about what Johnny done.

Oh, my life, I wish she'd let that go.

Oh, here she is, the birthday girl!

You're just stunning, do you know that - come here!

-You'll mess up my hair!

-Sorry.

-Oh, thanks for doing this, Dean.

Consider it another birthday present. You look lovely by the way.

Thank you. Oh, Dean, you won't recognise Lee,

you ain't seen each other since you were kids.

-All right, mate! How's it going?

-All right.

-Know what, L, good call about the decks.

-I thought so.

We're going to need a bit of music either side of the karaoke.

-Lee, come and help me get the gear out the back, please?

-Great!

-Whoa!

-Ooh!

-SHE LAUGHS

All right, mate? You look good. Like your shirt.

Did you get here all right? Tubes can be a nightmare!

Whoa...

Sorry. I was just trying to break the ice. You seemed nervous.

-Don't worry. I don't think anyone saw.

-Yeah...

I just don't really kiss people on the street that often.

-I kissed you on the street at Pride?

-Yeah, but we were surrounded by them

muscled Latino blokes in pink hot pants...

And that drag queen dressed as Kylie.

-HE LAUGHS

-It was a fun night.

-Yeah, it was.

That way...

-It's good to see you again.

-Yeah, you too.

I'm looking forward to my authentic London pub tour.

-We could go somewhere else?

-Isn't it your mum's birthday party?

Yeah, it ain't a big deal. She has them all the time. Every year.

Johnny, I know you're nervous,

but this is my last night in London,

for now, at least. My coach leaves Victoria at 1:00am.

I think we should just enjoy ourselves tonight, while we can.

-What do you say?

-I say...

I say, you're right. Yeah. Let's go.

It's a cool shirt, though.

-Thank you!

-Happy birthday! Love you, Linda.

-Love you.

-Thank you.

-Here she is. The birthday girl.

You promised! Come on.

-Thanks for coming.

-Erm, yeah... Sorry, Lind.

-I did get you a card, but I've left it at home.

-Oh, don't worry.

-You can pop it in tomorrow.

-Yeah.

-Sharon sends her love.

-Ah. These are lovely Phil, thanks. How is she?

-She's resting up.

Oh, here we are, L. L.

Excuse us.

-Just remember - be nice.

-I'm not the dragon lady, Mick!

I ain't going to breathe fire on them.

All right. Everyone, this is Gianluca.

-Gianluca, this is everyone.

-Hey.

-This is my Auntie Tina and her girlfriend Tosh.

-Hello!

-My dad.

-Pleasure.

-This is Nancy.

-Hello. You all right?

-This is my brother, Lee.

-Buongiorno, mate, buongiorno.

-And this is my mum.

-Hello, John-Luco.

Please, just call me Luca. I've heard so much about you.

That's nice.

-Luca, what do you want to drink?

-A beer?

-Coming right up.

There he is! Patrick! Where did you disappear to?

We stopped by earlier, but there was no answer.

Oh, I took a nap. I must have been out for the count.

Well, I got Shabnam to order you another magazine.

You didn't have to do that.

And we've got some other news that might cheer you up.

Yes, yes, we've set a date for the wedding.

We're thinking about a Saturday next June.

-Are you OK?

-I'm absolutely fine.

Why don't we go in and I'll buy both of you a drink to celebrate?

-I like that! Thank you.

-Cheers.

I love Italy. Italian food, and that. I make my own pesto.

-Don't I?

-Yeah.

-Wow. Have you been?

No. But one day I'd like to.

-Johnny, you didn't tell me your brother's back.

-Yeah.

He got back today.

Listen, I'm going to give Luca a tour, if you want to come?

No, you're all right. I'm going to get another drink.

Where are they going?

Let it go. You've done very well up to now.

-And I'm very, very proud of you.

-Ah! There she is!

-Not looking a day over 21.

-I wish!

-So do I!

THEY LAUGH

I'm joking! My baby's always 21, in my eyes.

-I'm just going to slip upstairs, OK.

-Happy birthday!

Oh, you shouldn't have. I love Gurbras.

-Gerberas, dear!

-SHE LAUGHS

Lee, put those in water for me?

So what, has Johnny gone to swot up on his foreign languages with Luca?

-SHE LAUGHS

-Yeah.

So, that completes your backstage tour of the authentic London pub.

-I like it. Very British.

-Mmm.

Was the parakeet wallpaper all you hoped it'd be? And more!

Yeah, so...

-Last night in London.

-For now.

So, pretty cool city, you sure you want to hang out here?

Pretty sure.

Unless you can think of anything better?

Erm...

No.

You said the tour was complete, but I think there's still one room

I haven't seen, no?

How long before your parents get suspicious about where we are?

I think that happened the moment that we walked up the stairs. Yeah.

So, you could say we're on borrowed time?

I ain't...

HE SIGHS

I've never really been with anyone before. Properly.

Johnny, I like you, for many reasons.

And if tonight is just this, then I'm the happiest boy in London town.

What do you say we go downstairs and have another drink?

Erm... Later. Later.

-Are you sure you haven't done this before?

-Shut up.

-We're on borrowed time.

-THEY LAUGH

-What do you think of him, out of ten?

-Ten! He's WELL cute.

-Definitely a ten.

-Really?

-Yeah!

-I don't know.

-Speaking of tens.

-Hello, stranger.

-You talking to me?

Yeah. Want a drink? HE LAUGHS

-SHE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY

-No. I don't, you're all right.

You see, a ten doesn't really like to mingle with a five.

Oooph! Hohohoh! TOLD!

-You got TOLD!

-Sportsman's bet, I can convince her to let me

-buy her a drink by the end of the night.

-Deal.

Ah!

I asked him to do one thing!

Cheer up! It's a birthday, not a funeral!

-He's got a face for undertaking, that one.

-You ain't wrong there.

-What're you smiling for? It ain't a good thing.

-Isn't it?

-What you looking for?

-Candles. For the cake.

How many years old is Auntie Linda?

She's 37.

-How many years old are you, Auntie Shirley?

-100.

-Like a T-rex?!

-Yeah, you could say that!

-THEY LAUGH

I didn't know you were back!

Oh, we snuck in the back way. I didn't want him to get too excited.

I think it's nice what you're doing, looking after him.

Hmm! I wish they could stay this age for ever.

Where's that coming from?

I don't know. Johnny's got his boyfriend, Lee's chasing Whitney.

Nancy's a law unto herself. They're all growing up so fast.

Ignore me. I'm just being over-sensitive.

I'll shut up and get back down there.

Go on.

-To the bride and groom to be and the future!

-Aw, thank you.

-You're asking me for a job?

-Why not?

You said I had the face for it.

-I don't know. You haven't got any experience.

-I'm a quick learner.

I can do part-time, full-time... any time you want.

-Go on, Les, look, he's desperate.

-The pay isn't great.

-Give the man a go.

-All right. I'll give you a trial.

-And we'll take it from there.

-Really?

Wow. Right, I'm going to get you both a drink. Right now.

Don't suppose you could sub me a tenner, could you?

-I'll pay you back.

-Well, that's a good start(!)

Johnny, erm, a word.

I'll be down in a minute.

-Erm... Look, Dad, I just...

-Johnny, Johnny.

You're 19. So... I know you weren't playing Lego in there.

All I want to say to you is that...

Be careful, be safe.

Because sometimes when you're in the moment,

it seems like a good idea...

And in the words of Celine Dion, Think Twice.

-THEY LAUGH

-OK.

It's supposed to be funny, you know,

cos that way you won't forget it.

I wasn't expecting to have this conversation with you.

-Am I doing all right? I don't know what I'm...

-No,

apart from the Celine Dion bit, I didn't cringe once.

Oh! Oh, good! Good. Right. Now, your mum,

is being your mum and she needs a bit of love,

so I'm going to need you to do something for me. OK?

-No Johnny?

-He's upstairs with his dad.

He gave me a tour, you have a LOVELY house.

-My favourite thing by far was the parakeet wallpaper.

-Thank you.

Chose it myself.

Please, can I get you a drink?

Go on, then.

Lee, go and grab your sister, we're ready. Lively.

HE TAPS THE MIC

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-Excuse me, firstly,

thank you all for coming tonight.

Before we kick off the karaoke, I think it's a good idea

to have a group vocal warm up.

You all know the song, it goes...

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear Linda

# Happy birthday to you. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Speech!

-All right!

Aw! I've been drinking all day, so I'll keep it brief.

SHE LAUGHS

Thank you, my amazing family, for throwing me this party.

My handsome husband, my beautiful kids,

it means so much to have you all here! HER VOICE CRACKS

And Dean,

thank you for being kind enough to do the disco. Thank you.

Erm... Anyway,

I hope you all have a good night and feel free to give us a song.

MUSIC: "Mama" by the Spice Girls

Mum, this one's for you on your birthday.

SHE LAUGHS

# She used to be my only enemy Never letting me be free

# Catching me in places that I know I shouldn't be

# Every other day I crossed the line I didn't mean to be so bad

# I never thought you'd become the friend I never had

# Back then, I didn't know why Why you were misunderstood

# So now I see through your eyes All that you did was love

# Mama, I love you

-# Mama... #

-Look at them.

They think the world of her. They make it look so easy.

-You know it doesn't have to be this hard.

-No? Why is it then?

LINDA: I love YOU!

-# My friend... #

-SHE LAUGHS

I don't know why you showed up with that kid.

LINDA: You're all amazing!

His name's George and I'm looking after him for the weekend.

You might have everyone else thinking that, but not me.

There's always an ulterior motive with you.

# Every little thing you said and did was right for me... #

Turning up with someone else's kid and looking after

them for the weekend doesn't suddenly mean

you're cut out to be a parent.

-So this is what this is about, is it?

-That's what it looks like.

Well, then maybe this says something about you.

Or maybe it's just what you've done to me.

# Why you were misunderstood... #

I don't want to fight with you, Dean.

You and me, we WERE like that.

-Like you and that little boy?

-Yeah!

-Really?

# Mama, I love you... #

That's not how I remember it.

# Mama, I care

# Mama, I love you

# Mama, my friend. #

CARTOONS PLAY ON TV

I feel sorry for anyone who's got to follow that.

A beautiful thing. Let's have a look, see who's up next.

-What about you, Mick? Come on, give us a song!

-Leave it out, Teen.

-You know I don't sing unless I'm out of me nut.

-I'll do it!

-CHEERING

-Yeah, man!

Patrick, get yourself up here.

This is a beautiful thing, this is.

-LINDA:

-Go on, Patrick!

-GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS ALL:

-Awwwww.

# When you're down, and troubled

# And you need a helping hand

# And nothing

-# Nothing is going right... #

-Teen, can I have a word?

-She knows.

-Yeah, she does.

-Right. Look,

I think I've got myself a job at the undertakers.

So I'll be able to pay you back soon as.

You'll be in the undertakers anyway, if you don't.

-But you won't be breathing.

-I'll sort it, I promise!

-We want our key back, and all!

-I haven't got it on me, have I?!

-Is there a problem?

-It's fine.

-Yeah, everything's all right.

-What's all that about?

-Billy Mitchell.

He's been running the leccy off our meter.

And who knows how many times he's been going in our flat!

-Tosh.

-I wish we'd never moved into that place,

-it's been a nightmare from day one.

-Why?

They think it might've been where Lucy Beale was murdered.

PATRICK CONTINUES TO SING

Wondered where you'd gone?

-You all right?

-Yeah...

I just don't remember my mum being with me

the way she is with that kid.

You don't remember... or you don't WANT to remember?

Tell you what, you've just added singing

to your list of wedding duties.

Before I do anything at all, I need to get home and put my feet up.

All right? See you.

-Would you excuse us for a minute?

-Of course.

That was lovely what you did for me.

Speaking of lovely, Luca's nice.

And very good looking. Do you think you'll see him again?

-He goes home tonight.

-Are you all right with that?

Yeah. We've had a laugh.

If it's going to go anywhere, we'll make the effort and if not,

that's all right too.

I know I'm hard on you, but you've always been my little baby.

-I'm not any more.

-I know.

Go on.

Enjoy your time with Luca while you've still got it.

DOORBELL RINGS

You couldn't put us up for the night, could you?

There's a lot of stuff going on in the pub,

I can't get your godson off to sleep.

-Of course.

-Thanks. Come on.

-Night-night. Night.

-Tell you what, it's a very good job

we didn't put any money on that bet, ain't it, Lee?

She obviously wasn't thirsty enough.

I don't even know where to start with this lot.

-Don't be silly, we've got this.

-Yeah, get yourself upstairs.

Thank you. All of you.

I've had the best birthday ever. Come here.

Come here.

-Let's get stuck in!

-THEY LAUGH

Luca. Luca, come here. It was lovely to meet you.

-Any time you're in London, you're always welcome here.

-Grazie.

Oooh! THEY LAUGH

-Night-night.

-Happy birthday!

Happy birthday.

Did he settle down all right?

He's exhausted, bless him.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

And what about you? How are you doing?

Some things are hard to repeat, Patrick.

Like when your son tells you that he can't remember

any of the good things from when he was growing up.

-Come on, I'm sure he didn't mean that.

-I remember everything.

I remember taking him to the fair...

All he wanted to do was go on this little tea cup ride that went round

about a mile an hour, but he'd cling onto me like it was doing 60...

He was so sweet, Patrick.

I didn't recognise that man that said those things to me tonight.

Did I do that to him? Am I that much of a monster?

So...

if the kids are downstairs, I reckon that means we've got

the place to ourselves for a good half hour.

-Stan's asleep in the front room.

-Don't worry about that old fart.

If he can sleep through setting fire to a living room, he'll sleep

-through an earthquake.

-An earthquake?

That sounds like a promise.

So, did you enjoy your night?

I loved it.

And is there anything else I can do for you?

There is, actually.

I want another baby, Mick.

I want us to have another baby.

Well, say something.

Is this a wind-up?

Can't be that much of a surprise.

-We always said we wanted four.

-Yeah, I know.

-I know we never got round to it, but I mean, think about it.

Don't you miss it?

That fresh baby smell, those little fingers grabbing yours,

-that love?

-And the endless sleepless nights,

and the spew all over your clobber, and the dirty nappies everywhere.

You really mean it, don't you?

Um...

Where's this coming from, L?

It was a long time ago.

Yeah, we were young and we struggled for years.

But we've got stability now. I'm only 37.

You're such a great dad.

I'm sorry L, no.

No. We've got our three.

This is our time now.

Water? You're letting the side down.

What I said earlier about being a bad mum...

I'm just not maternal. Some women aren't.

I've had the best day.

Me too.

I wish you were coming with me.

Listen, the way Lee's going, we're going to have grandkids soon anyway.

-You'll have plenty of nappies to change.

-I don't want to be a granny! You've not even considered it.

-Yes, because there's nothing to consider.

-So that's it?

You're just shutting it down, never mind what I want?

The kids are grown-up, they're going to be leaving home soon.

-Yeah! More like we'll never get rid of them.

-Do you want to?

L, I love having a houseful just as much as you

but we're not kids any more.

And I'm shattered running this place, let alone, like, having night feeds.

-You wouldn't have to do them. I'd do everything.

-So we'd just give up the pub, then, yes?

-You've got the kids to help you.

-You just said they'll be leaving.

What's this really about?

What happens when they do go?

What will I do without them?

Who will I be, if I'm not their mum?

L, come here.

And then who will I be? My mum?

Left with a pub to run, just waiting for the phone to ring,

guessing at what's going on in their lives?

L, they're not going anywhere.

They're not going anywhere, baby.

I have to go.

Message me when you're on the coach, yeah?

And when you get home. Tomorrow I could...

I could call you.

I really like you, Johnny, but your life is here. Uni, your family.

Yeah, but we could make it work.

We have to be realistic. We will be in different countries.

I want to come with you.

We should be celebrating.

Lee's come home in one piece.

Yes, they're going to leave us at some point but so what?

We've got years ahead of us.

Listen. It's a good thing!

It's a GOOD thing.

We can focus on each other. We can go on holidays.

Take up a bit of salsa dancing or something.

You've got two left feet.

You really don't want to be following another one around for the next 18 years, do you?

Nappies, teething and schools and puberty and...

You make it sound like they're a burden. I mean, is that how you feel?

-Cos you've done a great job of covering it up.

-They're not a burden, you know that.

If we have another one now, then we ain't going to be free

until we're in our, like... in our 50s.

We don't need a baby. We've got each other.

He's gone back to sleep.

Waking up in a strange house, no wonder the boy was upset.

And you should have seen yourself.

Leaping out of the chair the second you heard him cry.

Must be a terrible thing, not having a maternal bone in your body.

It's different.

You're too hard on yourself, woman.

Patrick, I never pretended to be a good mum.

Dean should have been brought up by my mother.

Then he'd have something to moan about.

Well, I've never heard you talk about her.

There's a reason for that.

When was the last time you saw her?

When I was 15.

What would you do if you see her now?

I don't know.

I don't think I'd be able to forgive her, though.

And here I am, hanging around Dean, waiting for forgiveness.

-Right hypocrite, aren't I?

-Sounds like it's too late for her, but Dean...?

Maybe it's not too late to sort things out with him.

Oi! You thieving old man!

Great minds think alike.

Just a little night cap. You two getting to know each other?

Bonding over booze. Seems to be the Carter way.

I'll leave you to it, then.

Nah, come and join us. Though I've got to warn you, this one can't handle his drink.

Shut up, what you talking about?

You wouldn't last five minutes out with my pals, mate, I tell ya.

Come on, Grandad, impart some pearls of wisdom upon the younger generation.

Nobody takes any notice of what I say.

That's a shame. Out in Afghanistan, the elders are held in esteem.

Valued for their knowledge.

Maybe I could go out there.

What and get blown up?

You ever killed anyone? Shot them?

He was in bomb disposal.

Yeah, but if we were shot at, we shot back, covered each other and that.

I try not to think about it too much, though, to be honest.

I used to follow your division, on the news,

find out what you were up to.

Not ashamed to say I said a prayer or two for you.

What about me?

You ever pray for me?

You've been mentioned, time to time. Yeah!

Means a lot to an old man, seeing his two grandsons sitting together.

Happy families, eh?

You don't seem too keen.

Well, I never had a positive association with the word "family".

Not like you, the perfect family.

What makes you think we're perfect?

What, seriously? Have you seen that photo in the kitchen

with you lot rolling around on the floor with the family pet -

might as well be a poster for family of the year.

Are you jealous or something?

Yeah. Yeah, I hold my hands up.

I probably am.

Must be great to have happy memories associated with your childhood.

You know how lucky we are?

And you want to risk having one that's a nightmare.

I just think it could be wonderful.

I'm not going to get any peace until I agree, am I?

No, you're not.

You lot still at it?

Yeah, Grandad's just telling us about working at Billingsgate.

-His old man worked there and all.

-Yeah. And his old man.

I did hope that Mick might follow suit, but he had other ideas.

You missed out there, Lee, you could have been fifth-generation.

I want you to promise me something.

You too, Nancy.

When I finally kick the bucket...

Cheerful(!)

I want to be cremated

and my ashes to be scattered over Billingsgate.

Oh, rancid! All over the fish!

Yeah, I thought about that when I was out in the Army.

You know, whether I wanted to be cremated or buried,

just in case.

When I was out there I wrote a letter for Mum and Dad to have,

in case the worst happened.

Ripped it up now, have you?

Yeah.

Well, we all thought we were prepared for death.

But you never can be, really, though, can you?

Then something like that happens to Lucy.

PHONE RINGS

You not going to answer that?

No.

Well...

..time I went up the wooden hill.

Night-night, Grandad.

-Night-night.

-Night.

He's all right for an old fart, ain't he?

"Scatter me ashes over the Thames cos I'm pure East End."

Oi, I reckon Shirley's all right and all, you know.

She'd definitely have your back in a fight.

Well, I'd swap her for your mum any day.

I knew he wouldn't answer.

-You could have left a message.

-Why?

If he doesn't want to talk tonight, there's always tomorrow.

Tomorrow, Patrick, he'll be exactly the same.

Oh.

-Oh...

-What?

Johnny should have been back by now.

What?

He was only walking Luca to the Tube. I'll text him.

He's only been gone half hour!

Yeah. Sorry, sorry.

Text him. Text him. Text him.

You're not going to be able to switch off until you do, so just...

-Hello.

-He seemed all right, old Luca.

-Yeah, he was all right.

-All right? You was all over him.

I had an Italian girl once. Didn't shave her pits. Wasn't a fan.

Drink there if you want one. Want a drink?

No, I'm all right, thanks.

Hey. Hey, Lee. Do you remember Johnny's 15th?

-Oh, yeah!

-That was epic!

-What happened?

Well, they decided to get me completely plastered,

then we played this very stupid game

involving a funnel and a plastic tube.

And Nancy was making these cocktails.

Yeah, they were pretty lethal.

Yeah, proper chucking his guts up all over the kitchen floor, mate.

And you shaved my eyebrows off!

Listen, eyebrows is nothing. I shaved a mate's hair off once.

That's standard in the Army.

Well, when I say mate, I kind of mean girlfriend.

No!

-Shut up!

-It's not my proudest moment, all right? You know, I was 17,

and in my defence I was very drunk.

And she'd cheated on me.

It's awful. I'm genuinely a bad person, aren't I?

THEY LAUGH

-It's hard!

-That is messed up!

I just want to check it was him coming in.

I know, I know I said I wouldn't fuss so much.

It's understandable. It's Johnny, innit?

It was like the longest week of my life on that ward.

Bad enough him being in an incubator, but you...

..having that infection.

Just...I couldn't go through that ever again.

Sitting there, watching the monitor...

..just praying for the tiniest little thing in the world,

just a little heartbeat.

You could just say you don't want another one!

-What?

-I know what you're doing! Agree with me to shut me up

and then remind me of the worst thing that's ever happened to us!

-No, no, I'm not. Listen. Where are you going?

-For a vodka.

It's not as if I'm pregnant, is it? Or ever likely to be again!

Wait! Listen. Listen to me!

LAUGHTER

He's completely mental!

Yeah. Never fall asleep when he's about!

Hello, you two. Get off all right, did he? Luca?

-Yeah.

-He really did seem a nice boy.

Did you get his address? You could write to him. Be pen pals.

Pen pals! Mum, you're priceless.

Well, as long as you had a nice time. Are you hungry?

There's loads of leftover party food downstairs,

-I could heat you some up.

-I'm not hungry, thanks.

You're always hungry! Nice bit of cake...

I'm hungry...in case you're interested! No.

-Hold on...

-Get off!

Where's all your love bites? I thought you'd be covered!

I haven't got any.

What's wrong?

-I'm just not going to see him again, am I?

-Yes, you are.

Nah. He said long-distance didn't work, I said I'd go with him...

I was ready to go with him.

What, tonight?

All right. What stopped you?

The sheer look of panic when I looked into his eyes.

Somehow I don't think that I was the kind of souvenir

he wanted to take back to Italy.

I feel a bit stupid. I couldn't accept it for what it was.

I must have looked like some love-struck cling-on!

He must be a really good kisser.

(What?! You had sex with him, didn't you?

(Where? Not in your room! Not under Linda Carter's roof!

(What was it like?

-(Was it how you thought it was going to be?)

-Yeah.

-Why didn't you go with him, then?

-Cos he's right.

It wouldn't work.

I think you're giving up too easily.

Thing is...as soon as I said it I got scared.

I'm not Lee, or Dean,

or even you.

I could have got in to a load of unis,

but I chose the one where I could live at home.

I couldn't just go abroad, leave home, leave you lot.

It just ain't me.

Aw, the boy!

Well, it's good for me. I'd only be doing all your shifts.

I'm so proud of you right now.

You know, this... business between you and Dean,

maybe - just maybe - you got him all wrong.

You reckon?

Look at this. He's a young man with no ties at all.

He could live anywhere in the world, but look where he is.

He don't want me, Patrick.

He chose to open up a business right on your doorstep.

That don't sound to me like somebody

who don't want to have anything at all to do with his mother.

So what are you saying?

Reach out to him before he ups and disappears from your life again.

Do you hear me?

You are the only thing stopping you.

Go on, please.

Do the right thing.

MUSIC: "Pretty Flamingo" by Manfred Mann

# On our block

# All of the guys

# Call her Flamingo

# Cos her hair glows like the sun

# And her eyes can light the sky

# When she walks

# She moves so fine

# Like a flamingo

# Her crimson dress that clings so tight

# She's out of reach

# And out of sight

# When she walks by

# She brightens up the neighbourhood

# Oh, every guy

# Would make her his

# If they just could

# If she just would... #

This is their song, we shouldn't be here.

What, this is? You've got to be kidding me.

I'm going upstairs anyway.

Yeah, I'll have a little smoke and then clear this lot up.

Here, Lee.

You're all right.

Oi!

-Just hear me out...

-Get your hands off me!

I don't want to fight with you any more, Dean.

I can't.

I know you'll never forgive me, no matter what I do,

no matter how many times I tell you that I'm sorry.

Finally, she gets it.