14/04/2012 EastEnders Omnibus

CHURCH BELLS RING

I'm off to church, Easter service.

Would you like to come with me?

I'm ever so sorry I doubted you,

it's just I couldn't help meself.

You see, I was a doting mother with my son.

I believed every word he said and look where that got me.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Do forgive me.

It's all right, Auntie Dot, I don't blame you.

'The truth is bound to come out, Andrew.

'I mean, look at Jesus.

'He was wrongly accused of rebelling against Caesar,

'but like he said, "My kingdom is not of this world."

'That's John 18:36.

'And that is why we celebrate Easter Sunday.

'It's the triumph of good over evil.

'Life over death.

'I know it's hard for you to think at the moment,

'but the darkness will lift.

'You've got to believe that.

'Otherwise, weren't no point in Jesus dying and rising again,

'was there?

'First the darkness and then the light.'

-TELEVISION:

-Two, three...

four.

This ain't benefiting anybody.

This constant noise, you know,

and talking to George about Heather all the time...

Oh, well, I'm sorry if me being upset has put dampener on your day

but in case you'd forgotten, my best mate's just been murdered.

Darren's on his way back.

So you won't have to put up with this for much longer.

-COT MOBILE LULLABY PLAYS

-That's quite cute.

Blimey, keeps on coming, don't it?

We have got a whole room to kit out. Don't you approve?

I don't approve of the price.

You pay more for ONE of your shirts.

Anyway, listen, we've got a whole wedding to sort out.

-SHE CLEARS THROAT

-Prenup.

A girl has got to protect her assets.

So, we need to talk about venue, theme.

Theme?

Yeah, well, we don't want it to look like we've just walked in off the streets, do we?

We haven't even set a date yet. Let's talk about it later.

No, no, let's talk about this now.

No, let's talk about it later, cos I'm going down the gym.

There's a problem that needs sorting.

Which is obviously far more important than what is supposed to be the best day of our lives!

So, what does that mean, then, when they take the tape away?

Oh, it means the flat ain't a crime scene anymore.

Old Bill got all they need.

Oh, so what now?

Dunno, have to wait and see if they get any more evidence on Andrew.

How do you think he does it - I mean, look so normal after what he did?

Don't ask me.

Some people ain't got a conscience, have they?

Oi...

What do you reckon?

It's well nice. I won't ask where it you got it from, though.

No, don't, cos that would just be plain rude, wouldn't it?

I need to speak to Alfie about Hev's wake.

-Before we go, there's something I need to talk to you about.

-Ben!

The caff.

What about it?

Well, Ian mentioned that he might be interested in buying it.

Hope you bit his hand off.

Well, we've agreed a price.

Well, I hope you take him for everything he's got.

I've got to give up the job, anyway. I need to focus on what's best for George.

What's best for George is being with his dad.

Darren's on his way back, ain't he?

Darren is no more than a kid himself.

-He's still his father.

-Yeah, in name only.

He's already done a runner once,

-what makes you think he won't do that again?

-He's grown up a bit since then.

You bung him a couple of grand and he'll be on his way, I guarantee it.

See, this is what George needs...

security.

People that he can rely on, and we've got that in bucket loads.

Darren hasn't.

Now, this one's from Kat, this one's from Mo,

and, young lady, you are under strict instructions to eat these instead of lunch, OK?

-Thanks, Alfie.

-You're welcome. Make sure you save some for me.

Good girl. I'll be up shortly.

Grandad, how's Kat getting on looking after Charlie?

Poor Charlie. I mean, Kat's no Florence Nightingale.

You can imagine, can't you? "Eat now! Drink now! Sleep now!"

Did she like the dress?

The dress I tried on?

Does it look as good on her as it did on me?

She reckons I know as much about fashion as she does about football.

She thought Papa Bouba Diop was a rap singer.

Thanks for helping out, you're a life-saver.

Happy Easter, guys. Usual? Trace, do you want to sort out Phil?

-Yeah, cheers. Alf?

-Yeah.

Shirley wants to have a word with you about numbers for the buffet.

All right, mate, chat later, yeah?

-Alfie!

-What?

(Yeah, listen...)

That's your share from the sale of the booze.

-Yay-hey!

-Not in 'ere! Don't want Phil clocking it, do you?

-Or even worse, Derek. Stick it away.

-All right, all right, see you later.

Phil.

Shirl.

Listen, I know you got a lot on your plate at the moment,

but, well, if you need any help with the funeral arrangements,

-just give us a shout, eh?

-You know what, Billy, I was thinking -

Hev, she wouldn't want everyone in black and miserable,

so I think we should all dress up in '80s gear as a kind of tribute.

'80s?

Yeah! You know, mullet wigs, Frankie Says t-shirts.

Just spread the word, Billy, tell them to use their imagination.

Imagination. Right.

I ain't going to let anyone forget her, Phil.

So, I'm dying to know what was so important that it took priority

-over our nuptials?

-Air-con.

-That better be a joke.

-It's not a joke.

If I don't sort it, I'll have a load of grunts in there, complaining they can't breathe.

Well, we just couldn't have that, could we(?)

That's weird. Must've left my key fob inside.

Michael, come on, it'll keep. We've got things to discuss!

I will buy you another one.

I don't want you to buy me a new one, I want to find the one I've lost!

So we've got our future to sort out

and you would rather look for a key ring?

It's really nice to know that you've got your priorities sorted.

You look like you could do with a bit of help.

Aww, this is so lovely. The baby isn't even here yet and it's already getting spoilt!

You'll be used to all this, I suppose, eh, boys?

George's stuff's taken over the house.

COT MOBILE LULLABY PLAYS

Oi, you know she's been seen? Heather.

Near the chippy, the Minute Mart.

Just hovering round the crisps.

Do you think that's funny?

Nicking bars of chocolate, cans of cola just floating through the air.

Lola, stop it! I thought you'd have more respect!

-Wind your neck in, Grandma.

-A little boy's lost his mum and all you can do is joke!

I was only having a laugh.

-It's not a laughing matter, growing up without a mum.

-Jay, leave it out.

You lost your mum, didn't you, Ben? Thought you'd back me up there.

I lost my dad, you know.

And the last thing that makes you want to do is laugh.

Yeah, I get it! I lost my dad too, didn't I?

Look, Abs, Abs, just...

Just leave him.

Some people, eh? Just can't take a joke.

You shouldn't let her talk to you like that.

Is it the fob with the St Christopher on it?

I'm good, Jean, here. If you need to be somewhere else, I'm fine.

Oh, no, I'm happy!

You rescued me, so I'll rescue you.

One good turn deserves another, that's what they say, isn't it?

Was it very expensive?

No, no, no, it was a gift from my mother, Jean.

Oh!

Oh, sentimental value!

I've got lots of things of sentimental value.

I keep them in a box.

They're all worthless, well, in monetary terms.

You know, you've probably tucked it away somewhere safe.

You just have to remember where you put it.

Yeah, that's genius. Well done.

You know, um...

..your mum would be very proud of you.

All that you've achieved.

Yeah, yeah, she'd be delighted.

Yeah, with the marriage, the baby, everything.

You'll be a good dad. Just like your dad.

Oh, I know things aren't as they could be with Tommy,

but Alfie is a great dad and you'll be a great dad. Better, even!

And I've said too much, haven't I? I've got no off switch.

No, you're all right, Jean. I need to get in there.

HE GROANS Come on!

SHE GASPS

How significant is that?!

Yes, yes!

Ah, thank you, Jean!

Jay, in the next few days George will be gone, you know,

and then we can get back to being normal.

Normal?

Looking at you, you'd think there was nothing wrong.

You get up in the morning, you eat your bit of breakfast, you even play with the boy.

How do you do that?

Maybe I got a bit more of the old man in me than I thought.

TV PLAYS EASTER SERMON MUSIC

Nice sermon?

Yes. It was all about the Resurrection, you know.

The power of life over death.

Rebirth. New beginning.

Anything about Doubting Thomas there?

No, Rose. No, that'll be next week.

And I have apologised, haven't I, Andrew?

Too little, too late.

And I accepted. It ain't been easy for any of us, Mum.

Is that for little George?

Yeah.

Why don't we all go over the Vic together?

The Vic?

Why not? We've none of us got anything on our consciences.

Certainly not with regard to the passing of dear Heather.

Yeah, but...

do you think that's how they'll see it?

-How's it looking?

-Done. Done.

-Does it look all right?

-Yeah.

-OK. Are we ready? Right, boys and girls,

mums and dads, are we ready for our great Easter egg hunt?!

-CHILDREN CHEER

-I can't hear you. Are you ready?

OK, Auntie Jean, after three. All together, one, two, three...

THEY CHEER

That's it, through you go.

Oh, you're lukewarm there. Oh, you're cold!

Not ice-cold, but...

Well, if it was a colour, it would be blue. Cobalt blue.

-Jean! Jean, just point her in the right direction!

-That would give her an unfair advantage!

The other kids might need a bit of help as well.

Jean, when we said we'd hide the Easter eggs, we meant under the tables,

not in another borough. Listen boys and girls, up here!

There might be some up here!

Yeah, come on, come on. Amy, come on!

Let's see if I can find some behind the bar.

Parents, I hope you're not hiding Easter eggs!

Oh, look what I found! Who wants an egg?!

CHILDREN SHOUT

I can't hear you, who wants an egg?! OK, put one in there.

I've found another one. What colour is that? What colour is it?

-CHILD:

-Yellow!

-Yellow, OK. What about the mums and dads?

I think I've found some more, here, as well.

OK, who wants an Easter egg?

-CHILDREN:

-Me-e-e!

-Could I have your attention, please?

-SHE BANGS BAR-TOP

I just want to say something.

I didn't want to, but I had me doubts about Andrew,

like a lot of people in this pub.

But Easter is about a new beginning...

-I don't believe this!

-..so what I want to say...

Jean, could you put George in the buggy?

..if you could find it in your heart to start afresh.

I mean, innocent until proved guilty.

I mean, that's always been good enough for you in the past, Phil.

Andrew's heart is broken. He could never have hurt her.

-No, he couldn't.

-No. He asked me to give you this. It'll be track ten that you're looking for.

And this is from Andrew. He wanted to give it to George himself,

but he knew he wouldn't be welcome.

-Give it a rest, yeah?

-I'm only trying to help you.

-I don't need your help.

Shirl. Shirley! Come on.

Phil, seriously, I don't know how much longer I can keep this up now.

Just go home, yeah? It'll be all right.

Dad, he's not good. He nearly lost it with Lola.

Just leave it with me. I'll deal with it.

Peace offering.

There you go.

You've got to feel for Ben and Jay. Heather was like family.

You don't have to rub it in. I did say I'm sorry.

Lola?

I asked you not to be flashing this stuff around, didn't I?

You look terrified. Sorry, are we expecting company?

Are the police going to come flying through the window any second now?

-What?

-All this hooky gear you got coming in.

-Yeah, yeah.

Just pack it in, eh? Joke's a joke!

KNOCK ON DOOR

If Derek finds out you've been splashing the cash on this stuff

and finds out you've been ripping him off, it's bye-bye, your kneecaps.

It ain't Derek that bothers me.

-Least not about this.

-Well, who is it then?

George went out like a light.

It ain't doing anyone any good, Shirl.

All this grief.

Darren'll be here in a few days and George'll be on his way.

Why don't you have a good time with the boy while you can?

-You know it's the right thing to do.

-Oh, is that right?

Darren ain't equipped to look after a kid!

He's his dad. He should be with his dad.

Oh, and you're the expert on that, are you?

A boy needs his dad.

And he needs his mum, too.

And if I could bring her back then God knows I would.

And if I could do anything to stop you hurting...

I'd do that too.

Anything.

Then marry me.

Well, the police have left,

so the sooner we can get Heather's stuff out, the better, really.

-Absolutely, I'll make sure that Shirley's told.

-Oh!

-What?

-That's weird, I've just had exactly the same bag delivered.

-Yeah, it was a present off...

-Yeah, from my Aunt Maisie, in Maidenhead.

-Loaded.

-Oh, she needs to be, the price of it.

It didn't all come from her, did it, Pops?

Some of it came from a little closer to home.

-Janine, did you want to come see what I got the baby?

-No, no, no!

Janine ain't got time to look at all that tat from the market.

She's a businesswoman - time's money for her.

Well, the longer the flat's vacant, the more money I'm losing. That's not me being cold,

just pragmatic.

Once we've had it, er, fumigated, then we can get a new tenant in.

Was never really the most hygienic of people was she?

-Oh, Janine, that ain't...

-Spirits can't rest, can they? When someone's been murdered.

Exorcised and fumigated.

I might just get a vicar in to do the job lot!

Yeah, and they can marry you and Michael while they're at it!

THEY LAUGH

I'd love to marry you, Shirl,

but you ain't asking for the right reason.

All you've talked about is George, not about us.

-And we can't give the kid what he needs.

-Yes, we can!

This is killing you, Shirley!

You know, you're not sleeping, you're not eating right,

you're not thinking straight.

-And I'm worried. I'm really worried.

-There's nothing to worry about.

She's gone, Shirl.

You're burying her this week and George, he's got another life now.

Just let him go.

I can't.

You've got to!

-Not yet. I owe her.

-Look at us, Shirl, yeah?

I'm worried about everyone - I'm worried about you,

I'm worried about Ben and I'm worried about Jay.

What have we got to offer the kid, hm?

-I owe Hev.

-Yeah, but that doesn't make you a good mum, does it?

Or me a good dad. Just let him go. Let 'em...

Let 'em both go.

I've just seen Billy going round to Heather's.

Janine wants it cleared as soon as possible.

I've got these hot cross buns left over from Good Friday

-and they've got real butter on them, not margarine.

-No, thanks, Auntie Dot.

-Oh.

-You haven't eaten anything all day.

-Not as if I'm wasting away, is it?

Think I'll lie down. See if I can get rid of this headache.

-Andrew...

-No, Rose.

He's full of heartache.

He's got to find his own way through it.

-I can't bear seeing him like this.

-I know, but we have got a dark day ahead of us,

and we've got to conserve our strength.

-Got to get a grip.

-Yes. You know, so as we can deal with it.

-OK.

Go on, have a bun.

Billy!

-What?

-Billy, give me the keys.

-Eh?

You sure you're ready for this?

No.

(Come here.)

GEORGE CRYING

ROCK MUSIC PLAYING

You do realise he's crying up there?

It's all right, George. I'm coming, mate. You're safe.

You're safe.

It's like she's still here.

I can feel her.

Keep thinking she's going to walk through that door

with a couple of Woo Woos and a big fat smile on her face.

I'm a...

..bit worried about Jay, he's on his own with George.

Then you go.

I'll be fine.

MUSIC: "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by Wham!

SHIRLEY CHUCKLES

Ah!

SHIRLEY SOBS

My name's Maria De Costa, from Social Services.

This is Anthony Patrick.

All right?

Can't've been easy.

If there's anything you want me to keep,

you know, when I'm clearing the place?

No, you don't touch a thing in there, d'you hear me?

-No, Janine, she wants...

-I'm telling you not to! Understand?

-Just doing my job, Shirl.

-Then don't!

PHONE RINGS

Yep?

Oh, G...!

You've done a fantastic job looking after George.

-He seems a very happy little boy.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

Especially under the circumstances.

-I can't imagine how difficult it's been for you.

-Look...

I'm really sorry, but I don't understand what's going on.

Since when do you guys work on a Sunday?

I've just come to see how you are, Shirley,

-cos I know that you've been...

-I can't say goodbye to him!

Not yet. I'm not ready.

You're not taking George?

Not now?

Oh, you couldn't wait, could you, Dot?

You call yourself a Christian woman?! Some kind of DO-GOODER

-and you pull a stunt like this!

-Like what?

-Get out of my house.

Get out of my house, you interfering old cow!

You couldn't resist, could you?! Were you on the blower to the Social the MINUTE we left the pub?

robbing me of what little time I've got left with him!

It wasn't Dot. It was me.

I did what I thought was for the best.

-For the best?

-Please, I'm sorry, all right? just...

It was killing us, Shirl. All of us.

George included.

And I didn't want to watch you being torn apart any more.

Now you can still see him, can't you?

You can stay in touch.

I know this is hard, but George's place is with his dad.

Next time he sees me, he won't know who I am.

He won't know that me and his mum had the best time ever.

That I loved her like a sister and she died!

She died not knowing she was the best thing that ever happened to me!

She did know, Shirley. We all knew.

All right, big man?

You've got it all ahead of you, ain't ya?

GEORGE CHUCKLES

You be a good boy for Daddy.

Ben?

You make Mummy proud, yeah?

Not Mummy.

Mummy'll be watching you all the time.

Not Mummy!

-Not Mummy.

-OK.

GEORGE CHUCKLES

Bye, George Michael Trott.

I think I can see you!

SHIRLEY SOBS

Hello, miss. Would you like to save 20 percent on your major bills?

Hello, sir. Who is your energy provider?

Hey, sir. Would you like to...? What's going on, Jay? You all right?

Since when you started all this?

Since about 15 minutes ago. Feels like 15 hours, though.

But you've got to do what you've got to do.

And this is the only thing going.

-Well, good luck.

-Oh, thanks. Thanks very much(!)

Hey, Bianca!

Listen, I can save you some money, you know. 20 percent.

Now, what you got to remember?

This perverting the course of justice malarkey,

it's not the same as the other thing, all right?

-I know.

-It's got nothing to do with it.

-Where's my list?

-What list?

-The funeral list.

What's it doing there?

You know, you wouldn't have to be doing all this

if you'd let Dot stay involved.

What have I got to say to this psychiatric bloke?

Tell him you're nuts. That'll always work.

Pretend to be, is what she's trying to say.

-Right, and how do I go about that?

-Act normal.

-PHIL SIGHS

-I'm trying to give him support here.

And what happened to my support when you let the Social take George away?

-We've been through all this.

-D'you know where I'm going later?

Round Heather's to sort her stuff out. How will that make me feel?

Why do you have to go round Heather's?

Sort out the funeral music.

Not George Michael?

Not your funeral, sadly.

All right then, what about Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me?

I've put you and Jay down for a reading. Is that all right, Ben?

The best thing, as far as the shrink goes,

is to talk about your mum and stuff.

What?

About her dying when she did.

They'll lap that up, won't they?

I can't say anything this morning, can I?

You don't even have the right to MENTION her name!

I don't think I did, did I?

Ian's told me about you and her. You can stuff your head doctor!

HE SIGHS

MUSIC: "Don't Stop" by Fleetwood Mac

What do you think?

Sorry?

Thursday will be my third funeral in nine months.

Can I get away with this again?

It's actually a bit of a squeeze.

Then again, it's only Heather.

But I do feel so incredibly sexy.

Huh?

And what's a girl to do about that?

Do we have any bacon?

Michael, this is important.

Yeah, I'm sure you'll sort it out.

I'm going to get some bacon.

SHE SIGHS

There was me thinking you might be overwhelmed with desire.

I don't like the sound of the direct debit, though.

But you like the sound of 20 percent off your lecky bill, though?

-I don't know.

-It's gas as well.

Is he hassling you?

No, he's just told me I can get 20 percent off my electric.

20 percent? You scam artist.

-It's not a scam!

-Go on, jog on.

-What are you talking about, bruv?

-I said jog on!

-Easy! Easy!

20 percent? How d'you like the sound of 100 percent, hmm?

Think of what you could do with all that extra cash.

Why can't I be Merlin?

Because I'm Sir Lancelot, and Sir Lancelot has to have a horse.

MORGAN MOANS

So...

ride on, Dobbin!

-Woo!

-Na-hey!

Hey, you all right?

-What? What's the matter?

-Nothing.

What's the matter? What are you doing?

Who normally does these for you?

Jean does them at the end of the month.

-And you pay her for that?

-ALFIE SIGHS

-We spoke about it a few weeks ago.

-She's living here rent-free!

Yes, cos she's family.

If Jean wants a job, she should get a job.

-HE SIGHS

-I'm not sacking her.

Alfie, do the maths! Look, you're not running a charity here, OK?

She's still sitting on all that scratch card money.

She's not going to get thrown into poverty, is she?

Was just going to say the bathroom's free.

MUSIC: "We Are Family" by Sister Sledge

-TIFFANY:

-Charge!

Jean? Hold on a minute. Please come back...

CRASHING

What are you two doing here?

Searching for the Holy Grail.

-Where's your dad?

-Ow!

Is he now? Oh, IS he now? Right.

DOOR SLAMS

-Ray, since when have you been back at work?

-Since today.

-Are you feeding those kids again?

-There's two tons of sausages

nearly past their sell-by-date. What's the problem?

-They're not your sausages!

-Look, tomorrow they'll be in the bin.

Shall I tell you what I told Alfie? This is not a charity, OK?

-How will you work with one hand?

-Jean's helping me.

-What?

-If you're going to be like this...

Ray, what you doing?

Ray?! Ray! Come on!

Ray, come back. Where you going?

Come here! Oi!

Come on, grab your coats. We'll do this at your mum's house.

Ray, you can't just walk out! We're open in two hours.

-Ray, Ray, what are you doing?

-I'm sorry mate, it's done.

-It's lunchtime, what are you doing?

-Done, done!

-Ray!

-HE SIGHS

-Brilliant. Well done, Rox(!)

Jean, what did Roxy actually say, then?

-Everything all right, Jean?

-Yeah, were fine.

Apparently, I don't need a paid job

because I'm sitting on all that scratch card money,

which is actually for a rainy day.

What scratch card money?

Oh...

I won £8,000 on a scratch card last November.

Yeah?

Really?

And they say good things don't happen to nice people?

Tell you what.

If I sort out Roxy and Alfie for you,

will you do me a favour?

Will you sort out Janine for me?

I know, I know.

Have you ever heard of a prenuptial agreement?

Has Lola been in? Have you seen Lola?

KNOCK ON DOOR

I'm, uh... I'm sorry for what I said about your mum.

It's time to go.

We just need to hold it together for a few more days.

Once the funeral's over, things will start to quieten down, and then...

we can get on with our lives.

I've been thinking.

Yeah?

And I've made a decision.

Yeah?

I'm going to confess.

HE SIGHS

Two dozen Luscious Lash mascaras,

two dozen fruity lip glosses,

two dozen full spectrum eye-shadows,

two dozen make-up remover kits.

Cash on delivery, yeah?

And how long will I take to get it?

Brilliant. Thanks! Cheers.

What was that about?

Got a bit of spare cash, so I'm going into business.

I've been thinking about it for ages.

-Oh, yeah? What kind of business?

-Door-to-door cosmetics.

-What's the windfall?

-Derek's helping me, but you didn't hear me say that.

-You know, there is nothing worth eating in this freezer.

-What?

-Do you know what chicken nuggets are made out of?

-Morgan loves them.

HE LAUGHS

What about mechanically recovered meat?

-Erm, I don't really care.

-You don't care about the kids' health?

We're talking 20 percent recovered chicken gloop, and 80 percent...

-La-la-la-la!

-Right, you know what?

I'm going to give you a cooking lesson.

-What?

-Wait there. Wait there.

-I need some shopping.

Come on, Einstein. Where will we get a chef?

I'm sorry, Alfie, OK? I'm sorry. But it was stealing.

-Technically, it was...

-Let's work this out, OK?

Four sausages. What's that? A quid, at the most.

An entire lunchtime trade down the Swanee.

200 quid.

You work out the maths!

As you said to me, what, 15 minutes...

-Hold on a minute. Hold on. Where are you going?

-To beg.

SHE SIGHS

DOOR SLAMS

-Is this the best garlic you got, mate?

-That's all I have.

-Can I have a word, mate?

-Too late, Alfie mate, I'm sorry.

I know Roxy was operating above her pay grade, all right?

And you can give as many sausages to as many kids as you want.

Raymundo, come on, listen. Think about it, right, I need you.

-The Queen Vic needs you.

-I've got other stuff on now, man.

I know what you're saying. To show there's no hard feeling,

I am prepared to give you time and a half.

You can't say fairer than that.

Where's your sense of loyalty? Sense of duty, eh? Come on!

Last time I checked, Roxy cooks a mean beans on toast.

Forget about it.

Alfie! I bet you'd like to save 20 percent on your...

Fats, later!

..utility bills.

Eh, you're wearing the same colour as my company. You could save...

Marriage is about love. It shouldn't have anything to do with money.

It's a beautiful sentiment.

But Janine's Janine.

Well, Cruella De Vil, surely.

Jean, light of my life.

Sausage queen extraordinaire. I need you, sweetheart.

Jean, come on!

Roxy was talking out of her backside, OK?

I'd sack her before I sacked you.

Please, come on.

What's brought this on?

If I'm being honest, takings are down.

I'll tell you why takings are down.

Cos Sausage Surprise isn't on the menu.

Come on, walk back in triumph. Please, I'm begging you.

-What's happened to Ray?

-Who's Ray? See what I did there?

Come on, I need you, Jean. Please, darling.

Alfie, there's something you've failed to realise.

-Sausage Surprise is my signature dish.

-Yes, I know.

I can't just magic it up!

D'you know how long it takes to chop eight pounds of onions?

-I cook.

-Really?

Yeah, when the muse descends. What would it entail?

-Chopping onions, mainly.

-I can do that.

Oh, Michael... I love you, Michael. Here you go.

£6 an hour, and all the Sausage Surprise you can eat, yeah?

-I don't want money. It's a favour for you, Jean.

-Really?

Yeah.

Well, I'm not going to cramp your style.

You can't do that. It's got too much style to be cramped.

HE LAUGHS

Come on! Seize the moment, eh? Come on, darling. Chop chop! Get it?

See what I did there? Chop chop? Follow me. Come on, let's go.

Sausage Surprise back on the menu, folks.

(He always does this.)

How are you feeling now?

Will you stop asking me that?

I'm still a bit worried about what you're going to say

when you get in there. Just remember, all this is about.

Perverting the course of justice. I know.

-Say whatever you want about Stella, just don't mention...

-I know, Dad.

However guilty you feel,

you don't want to spend the next 15 years in the nick, believe me.

Maybe I deserve it.

And you realise you'd drag Jay down with you, don't you?

Dad, I've said, so will you stop going on about it?

Listen. When they ask you about why you dobbed me in it...

..forget about your mother. Just blame me.

Seriously. We both know what I'm talking about.

Just say whatever you want.

Cos I don't want to lose you.

And I...I love you...

..son.

Ben?

Want to come through?

What about me?

The appointment is with Ben, by himself.

I don't make the rules, I'm afraid.

PHONE RINGS

Phil, it's me. Look, I need to speak to you.

So you call me as soon as you get this. Something's come up.

KNOCK AT DOOR

You wanted to see me, Ms Carter?

-I wouldn't feed that to my dog.

-You haven't got a dog, Derek.

Billy, say "woof woof" to the nice lady.

-Roxy, you haven't seen Lola, have you?

-What's the big deal?

-I take that as a no.

-What do you need her for?

I don't NEED her for anything.

When she goes missing,

I start to worry. That's what grandparents do.

All right! Have you tried phoning her?

Bill!

Keep the fingers on your left hand bent. Prevents accidents.

You can talk(!) Now I know why I don't like doing this.

All right, some olive oil.

-How is that different to ordinary oil?

-Because it's made of olives.

-I don't like olives.

-Once it's cooked, you won't taste the olives.

So why use them, then?

Olive oil's at the basis of all Italian cookery.

So, it's five times the price, and in the end you can't even taste it?

You said you wanted to learn.

You said I OUGHT to learn because I'm a bad mother, apparently.

I never said you were a bad mother.

I just said the kids could have a better diet.

Ask Morgan what his favourite dinner is. He's in the front room.

What are you waiting for?

Are we doing this, or not?

I couldn't afford all this, even if I wanted to make it.

OK, now look, this is oregano. Smell.

Eugh.

We add this to the oil while it's heating,

so it absorbs the flavour.

Oh, the kids'll love that(!) Fried grass.

SHE LAUGHS

Plenty of crushed garlic.

-Guess what.

-What?

You don't like garlic?

Have you been to France? I have. They stink of it.

You can't make spaghetti Bolognese without garlic.

I'll tell you how to make spaghetti bolognese, shall I?

Get it out the freezer, take the packaging off, give it a prong,

stick it in the microwave for three minutes, and, "Ding," it's done.

Anything worth doing is worth taking time over.

How long does your way take?

-I don't know. An hour, maybe.

-An hour?! Are you mad?

Nothing that takes longer to cook than to wash up is worth having.

-It's like lovemaking.

-What?

The longer it takes to cook, the bigger the explosion at the end.

It ain't the way I remember it.

I remember the packaging, little bit of fumbling about,

but I don't remember no "ding."

You acknowledge the accusations you made against your father were false?

What was going through your head at the time?

Ben, I'm not the police.

I'm not working for the prosecution, or the defence.

I'm answerable solely to the court.

Look, can't we just say I'm nuts, and leave it at that?

It's not a question of whether you're "nuts," or not.

Isn't that exactly what it's a question of?

We don't like calling people "nuts."

So, what would you call it, then?

What posh word have you got up your sleeve for it?

Did you feel "nuts" at the time?

Is it nuts to want to get your own back?

And why would you want to do that?

I don't want any tissues.

I was just wondering if you'd seen her at all.

When I got up this morning, she wasn't here.

It's not like her to get up early when she don't have to.

(You all right? I'm putting the kettle on. D'you want one?)

Scrub that, Ab. Sorry to bother you.

Where the hell have you been?

What's the problem?

What's the problem?! You don't answer your phone. No-one's seen you.

You're six months pregnant, and you ask me what the problem is?!

You can't keep your phone on in the scanning room.

Why d'you need a scan?

I didn't, but I woke this morning, and couldn't bear not knowing.

Not knowing what?

-I went to the hospital. I told them I was spotting.

-No!

No, no, it's all right, I'm not.

But with a bit of sweet talk, I managed to get an emergency scan.

What?!

-Don't you want to know the answer?

-Answer to what?

Whether it's a boy or girl.

And?

So, did you want tea or coffee?

Lola! Tell me!

What would you like it to be? Hmm?

OMG!

Roxy told me, but I didn't know whether to believe it or not.

Check you out, my fiance, the skivvy.

-I've so got to get a picture.

-No, you haven't!

-Say, "Sausages."

No, you haven't. We're busy. Seriously.

OK, well, I'll see at home later. You're cooking.

I read an article in a magazine once about those prenuptial thingies.

Yeah?

Apparently, if it's all about one person giving all the money

to the other person, then it doesn't stand up in court.

The judge just throws it out.

Does he really?

It's all hypothetical though, Jean.

Who gets married planning a divorce?

Janine, apparently.

See, Janine, she thinks money makes you happy.

(But we know different.)

Don't we?

You'd spent a lot of time preparing this car, yes?

-I wanted him to be proud of me.

-But then?

I stalled it. In front of everyone.

And he just ripped the...

Yeah, well, you know.

And that's when you went to speak to DCI Marsden?

Yeah, it was like...

..I don't know what you call it.

-The final straw?

-Yeah.

It would be fair to say

you have a difficult relationship with your father?

And yet, he's driven you here today.

-Only so I'd keep my mouth shut.

-About what?

Ben?

He thinks I'm going to slag him off, that's all.

Is that what you want to do?

Half the time, I hate him.

And the other half?

Is it hard to admit you might love him too?

What about him? Does he care about you?

Look, maybe it's me.

Maybe I'm just evil.

I don't think for a moment you really believe that.

You don't know the half of it.

What are you writing down now?

I think we'll leave it there for the time being.

Everything all right, mate?

You'd be better off calling it "Sausage Nasty Surprise."

Rox, it's a nightmare. How many of these have we sold?

I don't know. Maybe six.

What? Six all afternoon?

-How many times must I say I'm sorry?

-You know what you have to do?

No, come on, I don't want to. Don't make me.

You made him go. You bring him back. Yes, yes!

All right, Billy?

Yeah, yeah. Give us a large one, and whatever you're having.

What about your bird? What's the celebration, then?

I'm going to be having a great-granddaughter. How great is that?

Sounds double great to me. Good on you.

Celebrating?

Yeah, yeah. Just a bit.

My granddaughter's going to be having a little girl.

I got a picture of the scan there. Look.

My word. So different from other pictures of babies in the womb(!)

Nice teddy bear(!)

Yeah, only the best for my little girl.

-Like the world needs another Mitchell(!)

-Eh?

-Be going to Heather Trott's funeral tomorrow?

-Yeah, 'course I am.

-Alfie mate, sorry, I've only got 50s.

-Billy, can I have a word, mate?

(Have you not heard of the word "discreet"?)

Only 50s?

Someone's in the money.

HE MOUTHS

So this is the key, right?

Stick it in the meter, and Bob's your uncle.

Give it a go. Go on.

I never have to pay for electric again?

Obviously, you got to pay something,

or they'll smell a rat. Stick your own key in, now and again.

My mum'll do her nut if she finds out.

So don't you tell her.

That's it, put it in there.

-Hello!

-Here she comes, here she comes!!

What are you two doing under there?

-I've just found a spider. Want a look?

-No, you're all right.

-It's a lovely spider, look.

-Get out, Derek!

SHE LAUGHS

-Get out, Derek!

-I know you like spiders(!)

-Derek!

-See you later, girls!

-Thank you, Uncle Derek.

Nicely done, kids.

Right, how are we getting on in here, then?

I still prefer chicken nuggets.

What about you, Tiff?

I prefer chicken nuggets, too.

Now I know how Jamie Oliver felt.

See you later.

DOOR BANGS

How about we have toffee doughnuts for afters?

BOTH: Yeah!

About this morning...

-Oh, yeah?

-I'm sorry, OK? You caught me at a bad moment.

-So?

So...

I'd be really grateful if you could see your way clear

to coming back to work this afternoon.

Oh, come on, Ray, don't make me beg!

-Actually, I'd quite like that.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Evil? What did you tell him that for?

-To wind him up.

You were supposed to make them think your nuts,

not a flaming psycho.

Why don't you listen, eh?

Mr Mitchell?

Sir.

Would you like to save 20 percent

on your gas and electric bills?

This is just wrong. I've had enough of this rubbish.

Get off me.

-Where you been? Shirley's doing her nut.

-What's the problem?

-She's left you 15 messages.

-My phone's switched off.

She wants us over at Heather's. Like, now.

DOOR SLAMS

So the scullion returns!

Funny(!) Did you get a funeral frock?

No. Didn't in the end, because the only thing that fit me

was like a tent, and I've got no intention

of being this size the next time somebody snuffs it.

That's a shame. I quite fancy a tubby Janine.

Watch it!

And don't you dare even think of inflicting

Jean's "Sausage Surprise" on me. Bleugh....

She just got herself into a flap, that's all.

Alfie roped me in. It's no biggie, it's all right.

Really? Shame. Cos you two just look so sweet together(!)

-You should be grateful to her.

-Why should I be grateful to her?

Because she elucidated a few things for me.

Like what?

Like, if I'm marrying you, I'm marrying you because I love you.

It's nothing to do with your money.

And if you want me to sign one of these things, then I'll do it.

-Really?

-Yeah, really.

Right, just face that way a minute.

What are you doing?

I told you. I like a fat bird.

-The picture!

-What picture?

The Best Friends picture that I gave her on her hen night.

-What about it?

-Well, I came round here to pick it up,

cos I wanted to put it on top of the coffin tomorrow and it's not here.

Shirl, there's other pictures, ain't there?

No, you're not getting it, Phil. It was a big heavy metal frame,

and it's gone.

So?

So I called the police, and they come round straightaway.

About a picture frame?

You're not listening! It's what he would've used!

-Who will have done?

-Andrew!

To bash her brains in!

We find that, and we've nailed him!

MUSIC: "You Have Been Loved" by George Michael

# She takes the back road and the lane

# Past the school that has not changed

# In all this time... #

MUSIC CONTINUES OUTSIDE

BREATHES SHAKILY

"Take care my love, she said." DOOR SLAMS

"Don't think that God is dead.

"Take care my love, she said.

"You have been loved."

-What's your problem?

-You. You're doing my head in.

-Give it back, you little psycho.

-What you say?! Say it again!

Give it back, you little psycho!

Oi, oi, oi.

We got to hold it together for one more day,

then we can put this all behind us.

You can do that, can't ya?

"We're going to get through today." Say it. Go on.

-We're going to get through today.

-Say it.

We're going to get through today.

It's time.

The funeral car's out there.

Do you think they had to reinforce her coffin?

Put it down over there.

I bet you they did.

She was a big girl.

Thank you.

SHE GIGGLES That's my glitter cannon.

Ridiculous, I know, all right? But then I can afford ridiculous.

Why don't you open one?

-No, thank you.

-Humour me, please.

I had the solicitor draw it up.

Mm.

Yes, you did.

35 pages. Pretty extensive.

Well, I had a few extra clauses put in there.

We can go and sign this afternoon.

I may need to consult my brief first.

You're stalling.

Definitely stalling.

What's up with them lot?

Keeping up a presence, ain't they? Reassurance.

She's dead, Pops. Ain't much reassurance in that, is there?

-All right mate.

-Mr Mitchell.

What? He's a nice fella.

For a copper.

Boys, just one more day, all right?

Hey, they're beautiful flowers, Shirl. She'd have loved 'em.

Shirl? Um...

Heather's things from her locker. I didn't know what to do with 'em.

Billy, not now, eh?

No. Thanks, Billy.

Stop the car.

Stop the car!

STOP THE CAR!

You!

-Shirl, don't. Come on.

-You murdering scum!

You stay away from her. You stay away!

I want to say goodbye to my girl.

-She ain't your girl!

-He's got the right.

-He ain't got no rights.

-And you do?

Kept her down so you could feel better about yourself.

She couldn't wait to get rid of you, you know that?

You're a liar! Stay away from the church!

Only way she could see to be happy was to run away with me!

You step one foot inside that church,

and I swear to God I will KILL YOU!

But we're her friends, Shirley. We're her friends.

You lost your right to say goodbye when you done her in.

-That's enough from you, Billy.

-Come on.

D'you know what you done, Billy?

Do you? Mouthing off about stuff you don't know?

-You ruined my life, d'you know that?

-You have some respect, eh?

You ruined my life!

Shirl, Shirl. Come on...

Respect. What do the Mitchells know about respect?

Let me make you a little sandwich, darling, eh?

Shirley Carter needn't think that she can stop us from saying goodbye.

BELL TOLLS

-Jay, we got to stick together...

-Don't even talk to me, all right?

They're ready.

Not one other person.

Not even Queenie could be bothered to turn up.

It's not right.

She deserves better.

Ben?

MUSIC: "Careless Whisper" by George Michael

Darren sends his love.

# Oh-whoa, oh-oh

# I feel so unsure

# As I take your hand... #

It's for Hev, innit.

Patrick said, "Keep smiling."

God bless, sweet dreams.

Yeah. Too good for this place, sweetheart.

# Calls to mind the silver screen

# And all its sad goodbyes

# I'm never gonna dance again

# Guilty feet have got no rhythm

# Though it's easy to pretend

# I know you're not a fool

# Should've known better than to cheat a friend

# And waste the chance that I've been given

# So I'm never gonna dance again

# The way I danced with you

# Oh-oh... #

Let us pray.

God of hope, we come to you in shock and grief

and confusion of the heart.

Dear Father, we know that you will give your peace to us, your well-loved children,

and your light to guide us through our darkness

as we say goodbye to our beloved Heather Trott,

friend and fiancee to Andrew.

In the name of Jesus, our beloved Lord, thank you, Father. Amen.

-Amen.

-Amen.

-Amen.

I'm not very good at speaking.

And I'm not very good at writing either.

So I've written a list...

..of all the things I'm going to miss about Hev.

Number one.

Well, it has to be number one, really.

It's the way that she was George Michael's biggest fan.

And I never thought I'd hear myself say this,

but I'll miss the way she played his records on a loop.

It was...

..Edge Of Heaven...

..when she was happy.

And it was Careless Whisper when she was sad.

Number two.

Her style.

The bright colours, the legwarmers and those headbands.

And I know she'd be really impressed

if she could see the effort that you lot have made today.

Number three.

I'm going to miss that I just can't...

pop over for a chat...

..at whatever time, it be day or night.

I'm going to miss that she was...

..such a good mum.

He's an amazing little boy, and that's all down to you.

I'm going to miss that she knew me...

..better than anybody.

Even when I was a cow, for some reason, she still loved me.

I'm going to miss you every day, Hev.

I'm going to miss your smiles.

I'm going to miss your cuddles.

But most of all, I'm going to miss my best friend.

Stupid hormones.

Yeah. Stupid hormones.

-Don't ever die.

-SHE SNIFFS

Come here.

Don't worry.

Weren't planning on going anywhere just yet.

This was one of Heather's favourite songs.

Take care my love, she said.

Don't think that God is dead.

Take care my love, she said.

You have been loved.

If I was weak, forgive me.

But I was terrified.

You brushed your...

my eyes with angels wings, full of love.

The kind that makes devil...

The kind that make devils cry...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

-Ben...

-Jay. I've got to say it. She didn't deserve any of this.

-Let's sit down...

-She didn't deserve this!

She was always kind to everybody. She was kind to me.

She was always so nice to everybody, even when...

even when I was horrible to her.

It shouldn't have happened. Not to her.

Not to her! It's not fair!

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Sorry I ruined the reading.

You don't find many good people in the world.

Truly good, I mean.

You know, like people who'd give you their last ha'penny

or do anything for you.

But she was one of those.

My sweet Heather Trott.

D'you want to say something, Andrew?

She...

She was my life.

I didn't really appreciate her. I should've done.

Andrew...

Leave him be.

DOOR CLOSES

Poor boy.

I will get him.

And he'll suffer.

He'll suffer the way you suffered.

I promise you that.

Walk out that door, Hev.

Just walk out that door.

# And suddenly my heart goes boom

# It's an orchestra of angels

# And they're playing with my heart, yeah... #

D'you want to get caught?

-I'm going to get caught anyway.

-You what?

-I said...

Shut up! All right? Ben, this ain't about you any more. All right?

It's about Jay, me, Shirley, Amy...

If the truth comes out,

it will destroy each and every single one of us.

Do you understand?

Now, you pull yourself together and you be quiet.

Or I'll make you be quiet.

There was no such thing as pre-nups when I got married.

No big, fancy weddings either.

I blame it on the celebrities, with their ridiculous frocks and tiaras

and just general all-round stupidity...

-Taking advice from your brief?

-Funny(!)

Oi, Jean, you got any George Michael?

I swear, if I hear that name one more time,

I won't be held responsible for my actions.

Of course we've got George Michael.

Oh. SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Make sure that you initial every page.

-Hey, you seen Shirley?

-No, I ain't. No.

Go and find her, yeah? I don't want any more problems.

MUSIC: "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by Wham!

-Ben, that was a very moving speech.

-Thanks.

-Come on, Ben. Fancy a boogie?

-I've gotta go.

Come out and face me, you coward! Andrew!

Shirl, everyone's been asking where you've got to.

Why couldn't I cry, eh, Jay?

I mean, everybody else was crying -

people that didn't know her as well as I did...

You know, the one thing that was never mentioned throughout that service...

is that Hev was murdered.

Cos I still can't believe it.

How stupid is that? I found her body.

And I still think she's going to come back any minute.

DOOR OPENS

He ain't here. Take a look for yourself.

-What you playing at?

-Eh? Nothing.

You seen Shirley?

-No.

-Come on.

Mitchell's back. He's at the wake. I'm going to need uniform back-up.

Like I say, he ain't here.

It's hard to believe that you can still go on...

..when you lose someone you love.

I didn't lose her.

She was murdered.

I know you're angry.

But lashing out at everyone ain't the answer.

You know, I had a best friend...

so very like your Heather.

She was flighty and silly.

And she'd drive me to distraction sometimes.

But I would've done anything for that dear girl.

Ethel only had to ask.

Because when you're close as that, close as blood,

that's what you do, isn't it?

But, Shirley, Heather wouldn't want you to hurt Andrew.

You know she wouldn't.

When I lost Ethel, she took my heart with her.

But I still see her face.

I still talk to her. I hear her voice.

And I feel that she's all around.

But Hev's not around.

I know that.

And I talk to her every day.

Just asking her for a sign to let me know that she's at peace.

But there's no sign.

And there's no peace.

Because he took her.

DOOR CLOSES

There's a bit here about pets. You haven't got any pets.

Still going to sign it, though. I was always going to.

Really? I'm confused...

As your magazine consistently points out, it works both ways, don't it?

What protects her, protects me. So, document this picky, Jean...

..gets thrown out by the judge!

-Michael Moon, you are naughty!

-SHE LAUGHS

Make sure you sign it, nice and clear.

How much longer?

As long as it takes.

Remember that woman? She come from Turpin Road.

She came in the shop, she used to talk and talk...

..and talk and talk. Tell you, we paid her no mind.

-But Heather...

-She was too polite, that girl.

"Yes, Mrs Patel. No, Mrs Patel."

-Heather could talk to her for hours.

-Too kind by half.

Silly girl.

Quiet, please, everybody!

Quiet, just for a second.

Thank you, just be a second.

Just want to make a little toast.

-We all know Heather was a lovely girl.

-Hear, hear.

-Granted, she was a bit on the plump side...

-Billy!

But she was, wasn't she? And she wasn't the brightest spark...

You can talk, Bill.

Yeah, I know.

But, come to think of it,

she weren't the luckiest girl in the world neither.

-Is this going anywhere?

-Yes, it is.

Because at the end of the day, right,

no-one could ever say a bad word about her. Hmm?

I mean, how many of you would like that?

If I was remembered like that, well, I'd be a happy man.

So let's all hope that Andrew Cotton gets what he deserves.

And that Hev's up there, eating cheese with the big guy.

Who, Phil?

No, what's-his...

Where was I?

-ALFIE:

-To Hev!

-ALL:

-To Heather.

To Heather.

To Heather.

MUSIC: "Come On Eileen" by Dexys Midnight Runners

SHE SIGHS

I've had my fill of funerals this year.

Yeah.

There you go. Let's do it.

What made you change your mind?

If this is what it takes for you to trust me,

then that's what I'm going to do. All right?

You were stalling.

Yeah.

-You know what we need to do?

-What?

-We need to celebrate.

How?

THEY LAUGH

No name, no label...

Just check, there might be a wallet. Let's have a look.

No, no, that's mine. I left it in the gardens.

There you go, young man. See? All's well that ends well.

-You want to put a label on that - save us a lot of trouble.

-Yeah, all right. Calm down.

Come on.