14/08/2011 EastEnders Omnibus

Oh!

This place!

There's always something, isn't there?

Mind you,

you've seen more than your fair share.

If only you could talk...

BANGING ON DOOR

-Tell him I'm not here. Tell him I'm on holiday!

-What?

Lister! Light bulbs!

SHE GASPS

Mr Lister? Runs the market?

-Probably red faced and out of breath cos he's been checking light bulbs.

-OK.

-No. Well, look, if you see him...

-OK.

-..will you tell him that Mo says she's not here

because she's gone on holiday? Thank you.

WOLF WHISTLE

-Morning.

-Morning.

WOMAN SCREAMS

Alfie, what's the time?

Alfie, what's the time?!

-Alfie!

-ALFIE GRUNTS

-Get up!

-What?

Oh, my head...!

Shenice, what are you doing...? Oh! Ow.

You all right?

Gizzards, I can deal with. Haggis...

You know, I've even plucked a pheasant once, but I draw the line at long wiggly things, Billy!

You're my witness.

I don't care what the theme is, this is me firmly drawing a line!

Blimey!

What are you doing with Julie's mop?

She's left me.

Me and Lola... we need the money.

It was your idea - "Kat, it don't need to be a night, does it?

"Tell you what, how about lunch hour tomorrow,

"knees up, mother brown, cor blimey trousers."

Oi, it was inspiring!

-You were hammered.

-Slightly, but very inspired.

What happens if the kids keep staying up late, eh?

-We get out of our routine.

-We don't get to spend any time on our own.

-I know.

-I get cheeky. Tom gets grumpy.

-But he's a Pearly King though!

He told you that after a few rum and cokes and a free packet of pork scratchings?

He is a man with greasy hair that likes dressing up in buttons.

Tyler caught Eddie and Carol with their kit off on the sofa. At it hammer and tongs.

-Where will find buttons?

-Kat, it's a rare business opportunity!

-Nan!

-Listen... Will you watch my shirt?

We'll just get round the Joanna, bit of pie and mash... What's there not to like?

You need your milk, don't you? Kat, just stick the kettle on! You watch my shirt all right.

Just be careful. Kat!

I'm quite partial to a jellied eel, and pie and mash.

-They were supposed to be in a jar.

-You do it in, then.

-I ain't doing it in! You do it in. Here.

-They were supposed to be in jelly!

-There's never just one in there.

-These are going straight back.

-I-I could do it.

-Yeah, course you could(!)

Right back. Right now.

-Eels are slippery.

-As soon as it stops going to answer phone.

-Are you trying to kill it or give yourself a panic attack?

-All right, you do it.

Yeah, all right.

All right.

-Dad!

-Ohh.

-You into this Pearly Kings and Cockney songs thing?

-No, mate, I'm tone deaf.

-Kat, has he been in?

-Who, Lister?

-Fat Elvis!

-Fat Elvis?

The word is, he's out. I'm a woman, Kat. I got a woman's needs.

-Ohh. Yeah.

-Give him here, I'll take him up.

We going to practise?

Least your grandma's trying not to make a show of you, doing it behind closed doors.

-Doing what?

-Hammering Eddie on the sofa with a pair of tongs.

Hammering?

With tongs.

Sorted! I love it when a plan comes together.

-I love it when you don't pretend you're in the A Team.

-What?

-What's this plan?

Tommy needs feeding, Shenice ain't been washed...

and nobody chooses to sit round a piano and sing, even if there's been a power cut.

I spend my whole life dodging your good ideas and...

-And moaning, I know, all the time.

-All right, moaning...

-but this is about me and you.

-Yes. What about me and you, eh?

Ohh. Kat, I know.

Sweetheart, I know, but we've got baby Tommy,

Shenice. We've got half the family sleeping under the same roof. Where's the time?

-We need to make time.

-Yeah, we will.

I promise, we will. I totally agree with you. But we've got a pub to run, that was the plan.

We got rent to pay, we got to keep the pub afloat. Me and you, we were born to do this.

Give me a smile. When them doors open up, we give them the old Moon magic, no matter rain,

come shine, we put on our smiles. We give the punters what they want. Cos me and you, princess, we -

come on, give me a smile - we are a winning team, all right?

Yes.

Light bulbs.

HE SIGHS

-You got to arouse them.

-I've got to learn to say no, that's what I've got to do.

No...

No. Thank you. No.

No. Sorry. No, Alfie. No. I don't care if you've met the King of Buttons.

In this kitchen, you get sausage surprise or a fishy basket, that is my limit.

-Have you got any salt?

-So it's like suffocating, this rousing?

-I had that once with that spray-on deodorant, do you remember?

-Yeah, yeah.

Should only take a couple of hours.

No! No.

-Thank you.

-Are you having snakes for dinner?

-I could cut the heads off if you want them done quicker.

-Yeah, I expect you can.

-That is well cruel.

-Sometimes life is cruel, sweetheart.

-Yes. Cruel...

and extreme and...

absolutely not the necessary reaction, thank you.

-Jeanie...is there something you want to discuss?

-<

-Jean?

Jean, I want you to meet my inspiration - the one and only King Norman.

Oh, perfect timing! Perfect. Ooh!

You were heaven sent!

Kat, Kat... I'll get Tracey's rate if I cover her shift, right?

You should get up there and sing. You love singing, go on.

Come on now, man. It's a long, long, long, long way from the kitchen to here!

Considerable wear and tear to the soles of me shoes.

(Get six of Mo's light bulbs as well.)

-Mum, please, I am not singing.

-All right, Patrick, yes.

Fine then, don't. Kat, I'll get up there, belt out Lambeth Walk. I know all the words.

-That'll show you up. Shall I do that, shall I?

-Mum!

-All right.

Just cos you're on holiday, falling out with Lola every five minutes.

She took the rise out of me in front of my boyfriend.

Doodling pictures of Jay when you should be doing your art project? Some of us have got to work!

What is the matter with you?

Don't know.

Yeah, well, whatever it is, you want to take some tablets for it.

Kids, eh?

Just got to roll out the barrel, all right?

Yeah. Everything's great.

I'm great. Lola's great.

Brilliant!

Listen, will they mind if I eat my own food while we chat?

Only my homeopath's got a downer on wheat products.

And gluten. And dairy.

-I'm trying to crack this sleep thing.

-Don't worry about it. I'm staff.

-Sit yourself down and have your salad.

-Thanks.

We're practising Cockney songs.

-We're just practising.

-In here. On our own.

Won't take long. Hurry up!

I'm a disaster magnet.

-Are you?

-Oh, yeah.

Accident waiting to happen, me mother used to say.

When you know someone's watching you, willing you to trip over...

-You do!

-Yeah!

-You fall right over, don't you?

Drop it, spill it,

leave it in the toaster till it's burnt to a crisp!

Let's just say Lady Luck is not a pal of mine.

You know, my uncle dying was one of the only truly good things to ever happen to me.

Not the actual dying bit, obviously. Course I wouldn't wish that, no.

The passing of the crown...

OK, three pies and mash, and one kid's fishfingers.

Did he leave you an actual crown?

-Can they have baked beans not peas, please?

-Yes, thank you, Patrick!

Well, not an actual crown, but a lot of very interesting stuff you'd like to...

Well, we must make a date.

-A date?

-Well, not a...

What the hell!

-I would love to, Norman! I would love to see your memorabilia!

-Oh!

I tell you what. Why don't you go out and meet your public

and I'll cook you a proper Pearly dinner, and look out my calendar?

-I...well...

-Yes. Yes. I will not take no for an answer!

CLATTERING

Well, that is... There I go again. True to form. Par for the course.

It's all right, Norman.

I'd like to.

Careful now! Go steady. You don't want to get Shaky into trouble, do you?

And no spilling nothing.

Shaky's got to have this lot up Poplar by seven, before they notice it's missing.

Cheers, tiger!

Easy now. Go on, you can see yourself out.

Mo, what's happened to the buttons on my shirt, love?

-Kitchen. Kat had a plan then remembered she don't do sewing.

-Oh...

What's Fat Elvis going to do when he finds out you've got a new model?

-He'll come marching round here all macho and have a fit, Alfie.

-Whatever.

-Him and Shaky might even have a fight, all right?!

-Yeah!

Come on, girls, what you sorting out?

Let's not fall out about it. Let's try and be grown-ups.

I got to pretend I give a monkey's, then eat my dinner in front of an audience. Will the fun never end(?)

You always been such a selfish prat?

-You try sitting between your wives, before and after, talking about the weather.

-I ain't got an option.

Well, count your blessings, smiler.

Same again?

Yeah.

-Do you want one?

-I'm working.

-Yeah.

Look, I'm, um... I'm sorry.

Tommy.

It got complicated. The last... There's no excuses.

I was out of line before Ronnie went down, I just wanted to see him, that was all.

How sorry?

Let me just buy you a drink?

Have you heard this?

-Well, that's what Tiffs told Abs on the way to the toilet.

-Carol and Eddie.

-What?

-And a toolbox.

So, that's school,

GP registration and, to update, your cousin is paying the rent now.

Yeah, yeah.

Phil. I've got the cheque here, tenancy agreement...

-That's very generous. That's the kind of family

-I

-need.

-And you and Julie are getting some routines in place for Lola?

-Thing is, Phil owed me, anyway.

And Julie's happy with the way things are working out?

Billy?

Cooking doesn't get much tougher than this!

No, that's right, John. And I am taking my inspiration

from tradition and the fact that my great-nan was born by a bell.

So...

I think you'll be pleasantly surprised!

-Don't they do low fat?

-They don't. I knew they didn't do low fat.

Have you tried exfoliating first?

No, we don't do low-fat eels and we don't do low-fat beef pies, funnily enough(!)

-I'll just have the mash.

-Yeah, I'll just have the mash.

-I can't. I get a rash exfoliating.

-No butter, no milk, no cream, though.

-It must be your product.

You don't need to watch your figure. That's what I am here for.

And you're most probably rubbing too hard.

I'm glad you've told me.

I just... I just want to do what's right by Lola.

-If I'm not the best person for her now...

-Yeah.

So, what happens now?

Do I get a chance to say good...?

She's had so many people walk away from her already, you know?

You get some routines in place and you make sure she's set to start her new school.

If Julie wasn't completely on board then maybe...

Well, now you can focus all your efforts on your granddaughter, can't you?

-The day after tomorrow?!

-Two weeks in Mexico, Just you and me.

-That's so romantic.

-Yeah.

It's got to have its advantages, ain't it? You and me not making babies.

-Um, too much information, thank you.

-Thank you.

-I was looking at a month in the Seychelles for our honeymoon.

-It's not a competition, V.

Ohh! It won't work.

-It won't work!

->

-What?

-Why won't it do the decent thing, Alfie, and just stick together?!

SHE SHRIEKS

Oh, yes. You had to have your wits about you back then, or you'd starve.

-Can't you tell Grandma Carol you couldn't find me?

-Ssh!

Dirt poor they were. Costermongers, factory workers.

Poor people, living round here, where the water was rotten. No inside lav!

Even the kids drank gin.

And the rich people, they stayed up the West End, posing about in their pearls.

-I've drunk gin.

-Have you? Oh, well, anyway...

This one road sweeper, he takes the Michael. He sews buttons -

poor man's jewels - he sews buttons all over his raggy clothes, even the hat,

and in the pattern he writes, "All for charity."

And soon, every borough in London's got a Pearly King and a Queen,

and what bees and honey they raised! It goes to the hospitals and such.

And that is your East End inheritance.

That is your tradition - poor people helping out their own.

Careful, Pat - he's going to start singing "chim chiminey", dancing on the rooftops.

-Patrick, is that grub around?

-I'll check.

Anyone after light bulbs?

-Why do bees go to hospital?

-No, love. Bees and honey.

-Money!

-Cherry Hogg?

-Dog.

-Titfer?

-Tat!

I thought I told you to be home by one.

Have I got two heads, or something?

Has he gone?

-You what?

-Lister.

Do you think he likes me?

I think he likes you.

I, um... I think he could be the one, Jode.

THEY SHRIEK AND GIGGLE

CRYING ON MONITOR

I never knew if that was him crying or just chatting. If you want,

I can do a couple of pints, if you want to go and check Tommy.

I've got enough bar staff, thanks.

Jack, come on.

-Meet me outside.

-No.

-Meet me!

HE SIGHS

Come on.

BABY GURGLES

I can't remember the last time I met someone and just suddenly clicked.

It doesn't happen often in life, Alfie.

Tell you what, Jean. Come give us a hand with some of these dinners, then go and find out, yeah?

Good girl. You stir that for me.

Just needs a bit more salt. Good girl, we're on it!

I miss you.

Sorry.

I think I'm...

BABY GURGLES

He's growing up, ain't he?

You're growing up.

I can see that from a distance.

He's going to be a proper heart-breaker, ain't he?

I'm sorry.

God...

It's all right.

I know it's not your fault.

She is a bad influence on my granddaughter.

Bad influence, my foot. You heard the one about the pot and the kettle, Carol?

I beg your pardon?

Everyone round here knows that you and him were getting lucky in the living room.

-Chocolate body paint!

-Well, I heard a blow-up hammer and a power adaptor.

ALL LAUGH AND SNIGGER

Carol...

Oi!

DOORS CRASH OPEN

How dare you talk about me? I...

-How dare you tell everybody about us getting caught, like we're a teenage joke... I didn't!

-I don't...

That is just gossip, Chinese whispers. Inaccurate jealousy.

I mean, I didn't see any body paint.

Hey, come on. Let's have a coffee.

-No.

-Oh?

Not today.

Tiffany! >

Jean, Jean. Hold on a second, sweetheart.

Now, Norman... Look at me! Norman's going to love your pies

cos you are a lovely lady... and you are a master chef. Go on. Go, go, go.

-A fiver to your favourite charity.

-Go on.

-Friar Tuck.

-SNIGGERING

Luck. Good luck. Best of luck.

I can cover the salon. If Tyler's the one, Pops, you got to stay and smile, and that.

-Tyler's trying to pull your mum, Jode.

-Ohh.

I think Tyler's just ANOTHER one, you know?

Oh. Like Julian?

Like Julian.

And Adrian.

And Simon, really.

Come on, let's go.

-Fat Elvis is in the kitchen.

-Is he?

-You should go see him.

Yeah, I think I will go and see him.

You have got to learn some things are not for little ears, eh?

Some things are private.

-I don't want you to go on holiday with him.

-This from the man who's planning his honeymoon?!

-You can't go.

-I can do what I want with my own husband.

You drag me out here, here in full view, start laying down the law?!

Sorry, Max, you don't get to say any more.

Tanya!

Stop playing stupid games.

You make this blow up in our faces, I swear I will never forgive you, Max.

-It's you that got us here, lying and cheating.

-So, what do you want to do? Find a corner? Crawl away and hide?

That's really working for us, ain't it, Tanya?

Let's learn one thing from the last who knows how many years.

What are you saying?

What exactly are you saying?

I don't know. It's the quiet...

It just gets so I'd rather be anywhere else rather than the flat.

This is my best part of the day, this.

Half hour, give my face a rest from smiling.

I've seen me and him sneak in here in the middle of the night just...

Well, it's bound to get busy, ain't it?

A pub full, day in day out.

Not that I mind. I really don't.

And like Alfie says - I've got everything I've ever wanted.

More.

I'm glad for you.

Oi.

I'm lucky, ain't I?

No, you're kind.

It's the old cliche, ain't it?

You don't know what you want till it's gone.

You hold on to what you got, Kat.

You don't deserve to be sad.

Hey! Shh, shh, shh.

Shh, shh.

-We're parents, Max. We've got partners and businesses...

-That ain't right.

-..bills, responsibilities.

Happiness - that's a glass of wine and no-one nagging. Where does "happiness" fit in?

-Tan, we're with the wrong people. You know we are.

-Tell you what I know.

I know that you are never satisfied.

Me, I'm an idiot.

I guarantee you, Max, if we did do it right, we'd tear up those kids, screw Greg and Vanessa over.

Two months... Two months, you'd be twitching.

-Six months, I'd be left holding the baby, you'd be lining up another Stacey. I know you.

-I love you.

-Shut up.

-I do, I love you.

-Didn't matter what I said. Julie just wouldn't listen.

-Yeah, well...

It's only queens that get to have kings fall in love with them, don't they?

Just didn't want to know.

-All right?

-Hey, Michael.

-Jean.

-Oh!

-Is my old man at it with Carol Jackson?

-Ohh...

What is the wrong with you, Max? Walking out without a word.

You do know you've got the house keys?

-Good work.

-"See all, say nothing." That's our motto.

-Sorry, Michael.

-Course.

But...I wouldn't be surprised if Carol has got more than inflatable hammers to worry about.

Sorry?

Letters.

Whatever you do, don't ask Eddie about the letter from Chingford.

-What?

-Disconcertingly angry he was.

I've had enough. If you don't want to sit down and write our wedding to-do list,

then don't write a to-do list. But you do not stand me up here.

SHE SIGHS

Where are you, Max?

I'm sick of being your latest affair.

-Remind me how we got together the first time.

-I've grown up. I have grown up.

Come on, Max. You know this isn't right.

We've been gone too long.

Give me a couple of minutes, follow me out.

-YOU give it a...

-You want to go out together?

-Don't be so stupid!

So, where do we stand?

I can't. I want it to be over. I'm going on holiday, Max, and when I come back, I want it to be over.

You don't mean that. You know I won't let you.

It's too big, Max. The fallout from all this, it's too big.

It doesn't matter what I want.

The one thing I know - nothing stays secret for ever, does it?

'You have one new message.

-KAT:

-'Billy! Where the hell are you?

'You've got five minutes to get round here or you're sacked!'

What if we were seen?

They'd have said something. You know what it's like here.

Meet me later. You free?

Could be.

-One o'clock?

-I'll be there.

Hold on. Just straighten your fingers, all right?

I'm going to kill that Billy.

-We're lucky he stepped in at the last minute.

-Now he's stepped out again.

-Ow!

-Sorry.

My back hurts, my knees hurt, and now my hands hurt.

Sit down and I'll make us a cup of tea. Sit down.

And I hate these deckchairs and all!

CLATTERING

-Ow!

-You all right, darling?

-I want Billy killed and I want my sofa back!

-Yep. Course.

You all right? Come on, come on.

I've got you, I've got you. There. All right?

Is that a new perfume?

No.

Something's different.

What's got into you?

-Just woke up happy.

-Oh. Makes a change.

So what you doing today?

-SHE SIGHS

-Not a lot.

Why, you got something in mind?

Yeah, I might have.

Really?

What? Tell me.

Just, I've got to be somewhere in a bit,

so...I need you to look after Oscar for a bit.

I'm busy.

-Sorry, babe, you just said you weren't.

-Well, I am now.

Go on, babe, please?

Get flipping Tanya to do it!

-She's up to her eyes, ain't she?

-What are you doing anyway?

I'm off to Essex.

Car dealership's going under, might be able to pick up a few bargains.

Right. Why don't I come with you?

We could make a day of it. Haven't done that in a while.

Nah, it's a bit of schlep. And it don't solve the Oscar problem.

-He could come with us.

-What would that look like?

Me turning up with a kid? That's not very professional.

Babe, please. Go on.

Go on, I won't be long.

Oh, you won't? I thought you said Essex was a "bit of a schlep"?

Hello, love. You all right?

-My guts are hurting.

-Are they? Why?

It's my driving test today.

Darling! I'm sorry, I forgot.

-I've had so much on my mind lately.

-So we noticed.

-Try not to run over anyone.

-KNOCKING ON DOOR

All right, Tan? Vanessa can't look after Oscar.

-Cora, you couldn't look after him, could you?

-I'm tied up today.

-Doing what?

-Girlie stuff.

-Come on, Mum.

-For a minute I thought you'd come to wish me luck.

Why would I do that?

-Forget it.

-Driving test. Not that you'd care.

Of course I care! Sorry, Lauren. Good luck and all that.

-Whatever.

-Cora, here y'are. One grandson.

-You know you're my favourite...

-CAR HORN HONKS

-That's Greg! He's giving me one last lesson. Wish me luck.

-Good luck.

See you later, little man. Cheers, Cora, appreciate it.

Tan...

Just get Rainie to help you, Mum.

She's off with God somewhere.

Bye bye, darling. Be good.

-Where you going?

-I'm going to work, where d'you think I'm going?

When are you going to grow up?

-Last time we put these on!

-I've gone completely blank, I don't know what to do.

-Relax. Seatbelt on, adjust your mirrors.

-Oh, yeah...

You know what, you're going to be the best driver in the world.

Think she'll pass?

Hitler's got her beady cataracts on us.

Good luck.

Have you got any money for breakfast?

-I'm starving.

-Bit of toast do you?

That all you got? Go ask Alfie for an advance.

-What?

-Didn't go in, did I?

-Pops!

-I forgot! Then when I remembered, it was too late.

We're broke.

Right, you've got two options. Number one, you get my sofa back,

or number two, you buy me a new one.

-How much is a new one?

-A grand.

-Yeah, right!

It's a grand, Eddie. A grand.

You're lucky, Eddie. I talked her down, mate.

You'll have your old one back by the end of the day.

-My guarantee.

-You make it three o'clock.

-Any later and I'll come looking for my money.

-Sorted.

-Life is beautiful. Want a drink, Ed?

-No, he ain't got time for a drink.

Sorry, mate, she loved the sofa.

Go a bit gentle! That's family.

Alfie, I've got a twisted spine cos of that lot.

Course you haven't got a twisted spine!

-Oh, William.

-All right?

I got your message.

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry,

from the bottom of my heart, and it won't happen again, I swear.

My soppy alarm didn't go off, did it? But don't worry.

I'll be in tomorrow morning. Dead early.

I'll even sleep on the floor in here. That is how dedicated I am.

I'm so dedicated that I thought you might like to give me...

-a little advance on my wages.

-Ain't you got the message? You're sacked.

Come on, Alf, I'm going hungry here!

-Here you go. Don't eat them all at once.

-Don't give away crisps!

It was funny though, wasn't it?

Sorry, sorry.

Tyler!

-Where is it?

-What?

Kat's sofa.

It's right here, Dad. £200.

-And I even got to test drive it.

-Test drive it?

You know. Checking out the springs.

You sold it?

More like part exchange. My loving, her money.

That was not for sale. Strictly not for sale!

Oi!

-Where you going?

-Is this a bad time?

Oi, mind my feet!

Stay back. Well back.

Listen, we kind of got off on the wrong foot the other day.

And?

KNOCKING It's open, babe.

Nice.

Yeah, very nice.

-I didn't do nothing!

-You were here, you could've stopped him.

-I tried my best, Dad.

-Story of your life.

-Give us the keys to the pick-up.

-It's being serviced, you're on foot.

-What?!

-All right, anyone know Wilson Crescent?

-Yeah.

-About half a mile away.

-You know it?

-Yeah.

-You can come an' all.

Come on, Eddie. It's got to be worth a score, ain't it?

-I'll give you a quid.

-A quid?

It's got a lot of sentimental value, this!

-My Julie bought it.

-Tell you what.

Show them where Wilson Crescent is, and I'll give you a fiver.

Hold on to that. I'll be back.

You are the bloodhound on this one.

-C'mon, Ant.

-I still don't see why I've got go anyway.

-Move!

-I've got a business proposition.

-I've got customers waiting.

-This should be a teenage magnet.

But you've only got old folks and fat people.

I have a diverse range of clientele, yes.

-I can put a word out. My kind are always looking for a good hangout.

-Your kind aren't welcome in here.

And we're always hungry, eating and eating.

Nothing on this planet eats more than a teenage boy.

They're like whales. Eating and eating and eating.

All day, every day.

I don't want no thugs in here.

Look, she's after a bag of chips and he only wants a pickled egg.

He can only suck, he can't chew.

I'll get it so packed in here, you'll need a helper.

As in me.

MUSIC: "What A Difference A Day Makes" by Jamie Cullum

Do you hear that?

People singing about love.

Makes the world go round, you know, love. Makes it spin, Max.

Only sometimes it spins a little too fast, and people get all giddy, don't they?

Light-headed.

Do all the wrong things. Make huge mistakes.

Do they?

I ain't made any mistakes, so I don't know what you're talking about.

Snogging in the alley.

Back at school, are we?

This ain't really your business, Jack. Why don't you go home, mate, forget about it?

Listen, bruv, I don't care what you do.

It's a shame for Vanessa and Greg

but all I really wanted was to see your face when I walked in here.

That's great. You've seen it now, ain't you?

Off you go.

So what, you renting?

Why, you want to sublet?

You've always got a line, ain't you?

-Well, you know, can't help myself.

-No, that's pretty evident.

Because you know what you are, Max?

You're a dirty ginger mutt who can't stop sniffing around.

I take exception to that.

Yeah, right(!) You wear it like a badge of honour.

-I've got other qualities.

-Oh, yeah?

You name one good one.

I'm kind to animals. JACK LAUGHS

What do you want me to say?

-I am what I am.

-Yeah?

Tanya, what's she?

I guess she's just me with boobs.

How about Greg?

What if Greg finds out?

-He ain't going to find out.

-But what if he did?

-Am I expected to come steaming in here, save your neck?

-Greg...

he's thicker than Cora's waistline.

He don't know anything. In fact one time, I had Tanya in the office,

under the desk, he thought it was Vanessa.

He was about a foot away.

I had her lipstick on my lips, her perfume on my clothes.

He didn't have a clue.

Yeah, well, he's not supposed to, is he?

It don't mean he's dumb, just means he wouldn't think like that.

-There's a big difference.

-So what, are you defending him?

No, I'm not. I'm just saying you've got to go careful.

If I saw you, others will.

And Vanessa ain't Greg. She'll sense something, women always do.

Vanessa's not a worry.

That's a big mistake, Max, if you believe that.

What I mean is, I don't really like her. Not any more.

Can you go to Leroy Street?

MAX: 'It's not her fault, is it? No-one's to blame.'

Just that the person in here is a cute little blonde with an attitude.

Not Miss White in the lounge with ten litres of hairspray.

Just keep schtum, yeah? Don't go bugging Tanya.

We've already had one close call, we don't need another one.

What d'you mean?

-What happened?

-Nothing, it's sorted.

-Just lucky it was Lauren, that's all.

-Lauren knows?

-Half a mile? More like 20.

-How heavy is this thing anyway?

Too heavy. Watch the wheels, watch the wheels!

We're going to have to put it down for a sec.

What's your footy team then, Billy?

There's only one club round here, mate.

Ah, another Orient man.

Shut up. I'm a Hammer. West Ham till I die.

-Oh, my...

-I knew it. I knew you was one of us.

BOTH: # I'm forever blowing bubbles! #

Yeah, we're about to meet you as you come plummeting down the leagues.

That great big stadium's going to be empty.

No-one's going to want to see you play Torquay United.

You boys are living on past glories.

Whereas the Orient haven't got any to live off, mate, have they?

-HORN HONKS

-What d'you want?

-You're in our way.

-We're having a rest.

-We want past, you monkey.

-Five minutes.

-I've got a test coming up!

-Reverse and find another route, darling.

-I don't like reversing.

Some teacher you are!

Maybe we should move, if she's got her test coming up.

This is part of it. Question 12, there's a sofa blocking your road.

Do you A) back up?

-B) sound your horn angrily?

-C) set fire to said sofa?

Or D) shut the hell up and wait like a good little girl should?

And Lauren did nothing?

She moved out, made a couple of threats.

She would though, wouldn't she?

What sort of threats?

If she caught us again she'd get in a car and run me over,

and this time she was going to finish the job.

Still standing though, ain't I?

Who's taking lessons, who's about to sit her test? How stupid are you?

Nah, she don't suspect anything. Too clever for that.

Clever? Grubby and cheap is what I'm getting.

-Don't start! I could spend weeks talking about your behaviour.

-I ain't done nothing wrong.

This ain't my love nest, that ain't my cheap wine,

those are not my stained bedsheets.

-Tanya takes them home and washes them.

-Don't get smart with me.

-Are you done? Tanya, she'll be here in a sec.

-Who says I'm leaving?

What, you want a ringside seat?

-Want to learn a couple more moves?

-You're sick.

What are you doing here?

Seriously, you just at a loose end? What do you care what I get up to?

-Do you know what you're risking?

-That's half the fun.

No. It ain't, mate. It's no fun.

Cos where you'll be, where you'll end up, is like me.

On your todd, wondering where your family's gone.

Can't believe you don't see that.

I get this now. Just lonely old Jack, ain't it?

Heaping all of your worries onto me. Touching.

-I'm welling up.

-You've got no idea what it's like.

And I never will have.

Cos unlike you, I've still got everything I ever wanted.

More, in fact. And you want to know why that is?

Because I'm deserving of it.

-Oh, this I've got to hear.

-No, it's true.

You, Jack, you've got Penny in France who you never see.

You've got a kid in Roxy's flat that you never see,

you got Richard with Sam Mitchell who you never see.

-I'm there for my lot.

-I take care of mine, I don't brag about it.

I'm there to give 'em love.

But you haven't the first clue about any of that.

Cos you're selfish, Jack.

-Always have been, always will be.

-What you're doing in here, that ain't selfish?

-No.

No, no, no, it's bigger than that.

Me and Tanya, we're soul mates. We can't keep away from each other.

It's a love story.

You know what that is, love?

Do you remember? You and Ronnie?

Mind you, that weren't love, was it?

No. That was just plain mental.

Max. You're getting very close to a good kicking, I'm telling you.

That's right, Jack, resort to what you know. Coming in here,

giving me a telling off. You want to smell yourself.

You and Tanya, I want it over, right? Done with.

-Who are you, the Pope?!

-It ain't love, Max!

-It's just some seedy little fumble in your seedy, unacceptable life.

-Pot and kettle.

You were boffing Rainie when things went up the spout with Ronnie.

-That was a one-off. Caught me off guard.

-How did that nutcase manage that?!

-It ain't about me.

-It's always about you, Jack.

It's always about you, mate, ain't it?

Always about you. Standing there wondering where it all went wrong.

Not realising you probably caused most of it.

Ronnie probably pleaded guilty to get away from you.

-I came round here to give you the heads up.

-You never. Don't give me that.

You came to see if you could have another go on Tanya. That's how lonely you are.

Hope your brother gives up his woman for you?

-I'm warning you...

-You were going to run away together!

Maybe set up your own little love nest.

-So all you are, Jack, is a big fat hypocrite!

-Jack!

Oi, Eddie! I think you'll find you owe me a fiver, mate.

One day I'll work out what you see in him.

-Where are you going, Jack?

-Home.

-And?

-And what?

-Are you going to tell people...

-Babe, he ain't going to say nothing.

-Says who?

-It's sorted.

It ain't, mate. Not remotely. Look at this place.

Shabby little shack that stinks of all the wrong things.

-You're going to put 'em right.

-What does that mean?

-I'm not going to let you hurt people any more.

They don't deserve it. How many have you two racked up over the years?

-You say one word...

-We didn't mean for this to happen...

-Tan, give it a rest.

I expected more from you. Him, par for his grubby course.

I always had you down for half decent. But all I'm getting

is that evil little 18-year-old that stole my brother off Rachel.

You remember her? Lovely woman who you two ruined.

-Jack, that was a whole other me.

-Then Stacey...

-I get why you hated her so much now. Just you hating yourself.

-Oi!

-He's right.

-No!

-What else would you call me?

-Here's what you do.

-We ain't going to do nothing!

-You're going to stop this now!

-Go home, sort yourselves out, and you pretend this never happened.

-We ain't going to do that.

Look at yourself, Tanya. Look at yourself real close,

and you ask yourself, is that really what you want to be?

-Tan...

-Max, no.

I caught that fish myself. Ta.

Um, if you want to get paid at the end of the day,

I suggest that goes in till.

Excuse me! This is my finder's fee.

Thank you.

So how am I doing then? You're loving me, right?

That's not the words I'd use.

Look, more teenage boys. I'm on everyone's lips, me.

-Since when did you start working here?

-Since now.

What can I get you?

Picked up this e-mail for Billy. It was sent to my account.

-I'll give it to him.

-No, I'll do it.

-What's in it?

-None of your business.

-You've read it!

-Are you going to order anything?

Not from her, no.

Want to keep your job? That's a customer walking out my door.

Jay! Jay, look...

Babe, we can't just give up because he says so.

Tan...

-I don't know, Max.

-Listen to me, babe.

What am I? Eh? What is this?

It's just us , it's all it is.

It doesn't feel right.

I need to go home.

Tan, look at me, will you, babe?

When you think about it, this can't go anywhere. Can it?

It just can't.

You're not Stacey.

It's nothing like that, Tanya.

I want you.

-Maybe in another life.

-In this one.

Maybe we've run our course. Maybe that's it.

Jack coming here, it was a sign,

it was a wake up call.

I love you, Tanya.

Let me go.

Tan!

-I shouldn't even be here.

-You got free chips, didn't you?

So what's in the e-mail that's so important then, eh?

It's from the Olympics.

-Billy's competing?

-Yes, in the hundred metre moan. Course he's not!

So what's it about then?

Huh? Come on.

Tried to get rid of it but I couldn't.

-What?

-You're going to the Olympics.

MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

-Kat, it'll turn up.

-I hope not.

-You what?

-What's happened to you?

There's a grand here if he don't turn up.

I've a good mind to lock the doors so he can't get in.

Your turn, sweetheart.

What a gent.

Won't be long, mate.

GREG LAUGHING AND CHEERING

Where's Mum? I passed! Can you believe it?

Course I can. Chip off the old block.

-See, told you! You were brilliant.

-So brilliant you can have Oscar.

He's driving me round the bend.

-Is Tan not here? Bit weird, I'll give her call.

-No need, I'm here.

Oh, darling! Oh, well done!

-Well done, I'm so proud of you.

-OK, Mum, you're crushing me.

Good.

-What's that, a smile?

-It's a big one an' all.

I think I'll join you.

-Kat, upstairs. Now.

-Caveman!

-No, no. I mean, just come with me.

-I'm busy.

-Kat, please! Come on.

-A quick one, my treat.

-Make it a large one.

Yeah, me too.

-Abi should be here, shouldn't she?

-It's about time someone else looked after Oscar.

-ALFIE:

-Kat!

-All right, I'm coming.

-She passed.

-First time, mate. First time.

Well done, Lauren. That's brilliant.

Hey! Well done, Eddie!

-That's impossible, I was downstairs the whole time.

-Except when you changed the barrels.

-We're back in sofa heaven!

-I'd have preferred a grand.

-No pleasing 'em!

Ohhh!

Not a minute too soon.

Ow, ow, ow...

-Hi.

-All right?

-How'd it go?

-Yeah, all right.

Got a couple of bargains.

Your life's in there. Trust me.

I've been shortlisted to be an Olympic torchbearer.

-Me?

-Can I have your autograph?

Says I'll find out for sure in December.

See? And you thought it was going to be a rotten day, eh?

Julie put me up for this.

Then I guess she's still around then. You know, in a way.

I'll be with you in a minute.

I need you now.

All right, Tan.

Wait. Wait.

I've tried.

I tried to walk away,

and I just can't.

It don't feel right.

It just don't. Not without you.

I love you, Max.

With everything I've got, I love you.

So this is what we're going to do.

We're going to do it right.

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow, we tell everyone.

-I don't want you to feel...

-I'm not the other woman.

I'm the only woman.

MUSIC: Instrumental version of "Can't Smile Without You"

ALFIE HUMS CHEERILY

-Ssh!

-What's the matter?

-Look at her.

-What am I looking at?

-Well?

-Well, what?

-Don't you see?

-Don't know what you're talking about.

-She hasn't spoken a word for two days.

-Well, she wouldn't, though, would she?

-No?

No, she wouldn't.

-She is taking her medication, isn't she?

-It ain't that.

-No?

-No.

It's a bloke.

-Jean's got a bloke?

-No, she ain't got one - which is why she's gone mute.

-She THOUGHT she had one.

-Yeah, she don't now.

Right, so who's the bloke?

No. You mean, "Who WAS the bloke?"

It's Norman. He's the bloke.

-He ain't NOW.

-No.

Right, so who is?

-It doesn't matter, cos Pat stepped in.

-Pat?

-Yeah, she's got the bloke now.

-Yeah, she's got the bloke.

-That old trout?

-Well, we're not having that.

-Ain't we?

-No, we're not.

And I can't believe you two kept it to yourselves. HE SIGHS

GREG: There we go.

-Morning.

-Hello.

Where were you last night?

I was just... Just here.

Thought you'd be packing - we're off later on, aren't we?

Cup of tea'd be nice first.

Cup of tea. Right you are.

There's a tractor.

It's a big day today, baby.

Guess what I did last night.

Go on - have a guess.

I don't think that's the sort of talk we need at the breakfast table.

I bought a car for Lauren. What d'you reckon?

You can buy one for me an' all if you like.

Went down the Vic, saw Darren, did the deal there and then on the spot.

We can put a big ribbon round it, give it to her. She'll get the surprise of her life.

-You didn't have to do that, Greg.

-Well, I wanted to.

-Excuse me, everyone...

-You can't just chuck cars at people.

-Not unless you're really strong.

-Mum!

-Excuse me...

-Hang on. This conversation doesn't actually involve you.

Thanks, Greg, but she's my daughter. If anyone buys her a car, it'll be me.

-She's sort of my daughter.

-And he's a better dad than her own dad.

-Mum, that's enough!

Sorry. Sorry, I'm just tired.

-Shouldn't we say grace?

-Good Lord.

-Shouldn't we?

-Get a grip, girl.

Yeah, we should.

Yeah, that'd be nice, Rai.

Are you serious?

Yeah, I'd like to, actually.

And you would.

Spit it out - my toast's getting cold.

I thank God for this meal...

and for this family...

Us all being here isn't something I've always had...

so I thank you and, er...

I think the word you're looking for is "amen".

Amen.

Amen.

ANSWERPHONE: 'You have six new messages.

'Message one...' RECORDING STOPS

What have I done with it? What have I done with it?

It was there. I know it was there. I know it was there.

It was there. I put it there yesterday.

I'll phone Max. Max might have seen it.

I put it there, while I put my gloves on, then I went back here...

SHE MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY

Max? Max, it's me.

Look, I've lost my engagement ring. I took it off yesterday and now it's gone and I can't find it anywhere.

Look, can you give me a call if you've seen it? Please?

OK, bye. Bye.

Bet you're wondering why I'm in here.

Meeting Greg. Made a sale last night. He's buying a motor for Lauren.

-No, he ain't. That's my job.

-It's a bit late for that.

-I've done the paperwork, deposit... I thought you'd be happy.

-Why would I? It's my kid, not his.

-Jack.

-Max.

-How's things?

-Yeah, good.

-Did you think about what I said?

-Yeah, I did, yeah.

-And?

-Yeah, I took your advice.

-Really?

-Get us another coffee, Darren, please.

-You've still got one.

-I want another one.

It's like you said. Tanya, she don't want to be the other woman.

She tried that before, as you so kindly pointed out.

I'm almost believing you.

Well, believe.

Cos you helped us see the light.

There you go.

-Where's mine?

-Well, you could've said.

-I'm saying now, ain't I?

-Yeah, I know, but you ain't my boss.

Oi! I've got money wrapped up in the car lot, which means you, doughnut, collect the coffees.

Go on.

This better be straight up, Max. Only I'm watching you.

Well, you watch all you like.

You've seen the light - amazing.

Yeah, I saw it all right.

-One coffee.

-Right, I've got to get off.

You're doing the right thing.

Yeah. Don't I know it.

Max, if that was about business I really feel like I should be involved.

Calm down. I'm still getting over you selling a motor to Greg. DARREN SIGHS

Here, couldn't put those in the salon?

-Yeah, yeah, I could maybe put a few round.

-Life-saver.

I've got loads to distribute.

-This what you're doing now? Spreading the word.

-It's helping me so I can help others, right?

You look good on it.

-Do I?

-Yeah. Happier. Much.

I feel it. I do.

Thing is, you never really know where it's going to come from. Happiness.

You just have to keep looking forward till you stumble across it.

Or sometimes it was there already.

Yeah. Thanks.

-See you later, Rai.

-See you later.

-MO:

-It's a diabolical liberty, it is.

Yeah.

Yeah. I understand.

Jean?

So...Norman.

-Who?

-We all know.

Oh, well, it's not worth mentioning. Not really.

Are you going to let that slapper walk all over you?

-Pat ain't a patch on you.

-That's not the way Norman sees it.

Where's your fight, woman? If I'd given up on the first hurdle, I'd be a nun by now.

What you need is to catch his eye, take his breath away.

I'm not really the showy type.

Flaming liberty.

Have you seen this?

They're closing the community centre, just because of a dodgy roof.

The council won't pay out cos of cuts.

What a shame. No more wrestling for the over-90s.

There goes my webcam dream.

Let's have a look at that.

Hey, Nan, you're a beaut. This is it, Jean.

You start a "save our community centre" campaign.

You can spearhead it, get in the papers..

-Not me. Surely...

-Who reads the papers? I bet Norman does.

-I'm not a rebel.

-Well,

-I

-am.

-And all you got to do is follow my lead.

-Iron your leotard, Mo. Wrestling's back on.

SHE BREATHES RAPIDLY

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?!

-'Mum...'

-Oh, Jodie.

-I've been having thoughts right? And there is no way

that me and you aren't getting married on the same day.

I'm a bit busy right now, darling. We'll talk later, yeah?

It wouldn't be right without you by my side. Tell her, Poppy.

No. No, look it wouldn't be right without you.

Mum?

What's happened?

-Hello. Gaynor, would you like to take Ms Cooper upstairs?

-Sure. Follow me.

-All right?

-Hello.

I've just texted the girls - told them to come round later.

-SHE EXHALES DEEPLY

-This is it, then?

-This is it.

I couldn't sleep last night. Everyone's faces kept popping into my head.

Greg, you mean?

-Abs, Rainie. Even my mum.

-Your mum? It's no wonder you couldn't sleep.

-She's going to be your mum again soon. You ready for that?

-Yeah, I don't care. As long as I'm with you.

Did you know Greg's bought Lauren a motor?

You'll just have to let it go, babe. It's probably the last thing he'll ever do for her.

What if she sticks to her word - jumps in it and runs me over?

She's not going to.

Not when she realises it's us.

We're all going to be together again. All of us.

I'm shaking. Look at me.

I'm going to need a drink before we do this.

I tell you what - why don't we meet at the flat? We'll have a couple of drinks, then...

take a deep breath and go and tell everyone. SHE SIGHS

-Max...

-I know.

But we walk in...

hand in hand...

and we'll do what we got to do.

-It's a sign.

-It's a lost ring.

-It's almost like the ring knows something's not right.

Mum, you're getting married.

Max has proposed, you've accepted.

-Yeah. Same day as Jode.

-Yeah, same day as me.

Not so sure about that. Max wasn't exactly happy at the prospect.

-Mum, I'm not doing this without you. Poppy'll drag Max there if she has to.

-Yeah, I'll drag him.

All this panic is just nerves.

-What you really need is to get thinking about your big day.

-BOTH big days.

-Which is the same day.

-I dunno, love.

-I

-do. Now come on,

Jodie's taking charge.

What you need is plans.

Big, amazing plans.

Beep, beep, beep.

That got a chapter about being dumped with grandchildren morning, noon and night?

Thought you was going to be out spreading the gospel.

I'm building up to it.

Not a lot to shoving a leaflet in someone's face.

Bit more than that, Mum.

Really?

OSCAR CHATTERS

-TV, VOLUME INCREASING: 'That's the cartoon done by Topol...'

-Mum!

'..who played the part of Tevye in Fiddler, and he did that and one other one of me,

-'and gave them to me and signed them. There you go.

-Wow! He was a great artist, as well.

'Yeah, it's a good cartoon...'

Patrick?

Do you fancy a drink or three?

What do you mean, you're busy?

Doing what?

What?!

So what made Jean so popular, then?

-Shut up.

-What you doing?

Don't keep hitting me like that, that's abuse that is, darling.

-You're going to have to kiss it better later now, ain't you?

-I would, but...

I got chapped lips.

-This...is a desecration.

-What?

-A desecration.

-You doing that in French?

Zip it, Nan.

Go on, Jean.

Well, er, whatever it is, it's wrong. Because we need the centre

and, um... Well, if we want it, we're going to have to fight for it.

Oh, yes, it's like everything in life, you know.

Exactly, Patrick. Exactly.

So, um, I'm proposing...

Oh, Jean. Oh, yes, I'll marry you.

For me? You shouldn't have.

-Just what every teen needs.

-Shame I haven't got a car to put them in, though.

Well, that's the thing. See, we've got to think about getting you a motor.

Sure your dad can sort you out a deal.

-You think he would?

-Well, there's no point passing your test if you're going to get on a bus!

I'm proposing that we all take up arms together.

Oh, yes, and take up your legs too.

PATRICK CHUCKLES

Patrick, we're supposed to be taking this seriously. Er...

I'm proposing a roof fund.

Ways of raising money to get the roof fixed.

Here, Norm. Over here, mate. (Build it and he will come.)

Heard there was an uprising.

Yes, this is us.

Up rising together.

Ooh, sorry. I got held up.

Budge up, Patrick.

All right, all right, all right.

Ooh, I love a revolution.

We've got enough actually, Pat. Sorry.

Kat, love, you can never have enough. You should know that.

I agree.

Aww!

This bit still makes me cry.

You're supposed to be cheering me up.

This is cheery.

Dead cheery.

-You two!

-So, have you got any ideas yet? Things you might need.

You know, stuff like they had.

-What, like the Royals?

-We've got to splash out, make it spesh.

It'll turn up. It will.

So, how's Darren about all this, eh?

-It is his big day as well.

-Well, me and Pops've got a plan for him.

-We're going to do a pincher movement.

-Pincher.

-Pincher?

Like a crab with his pinchers - come at him from either side.

He tries to go one way, I'll be there. Tries to go the other way, Poppy'll be there.

-Genius, innit?

-Genius.

Gaynor'll be with you in a minute, all right?

I'm sorry if I got a bit ahead of myself earlier on.

You know, with the car and all that.

You didn't need to do that, darling.

Course I did. Don't want you unhappy, do I?

-Not when we're about to fly off.

-I haven't packed yet.

I just got the cases down. I thought we could pack a bit extra - you know, bit of silk, bit of lace...

-Great.

-You do what you've got to do here, hand over the keys and I'll sort the rest out, all right?

TOY BANGS

Stop that racket. D'you hear me?

Stop your noise.

How class is that?

Max and Jack will see that I'm not just the coffee boy.

How many of these have you got?

-A thousand.

-One thousand?

Yep. Mickey did me a good deal. He said you can't call yourself a businessman

unless you've got business cards.

Yeah. It's going to take centuries to hand them all out. Sorry.

Right. Pretend you don't know me.

-But I do.

-Yeah, I know. But you're just pretending, right, Tam? Go with it, all right?

-Pretend we're at a function.

-What function?

Um, golf. A golf day.

I wouldn't be there, cos I don't like golf.

Yeah I know, but this is the bloke you're pretending to be.

-He likes golf?

-He loves it.

Oh, OK. What trousers am I wearing?

-Sorry?

-Cos they wear really weird trousers.

Yeah, anyway, I come over, and we get chatting, and you say...

-"D'you like my trousers?"

-No. You say, what do I do for a living?

And I say, "Darren Miller, sales exec, work in the automobile industry."

-And you say...

-"I've got other pairs."

"How interesting. Really good to talk to you.

"Why don't you take one of my cards and...call me?"

-I've already got one, though, so...

-Well, now you've got two.

OK. I'll call you twice, then.

Yeah. Call me twice.

-Here he is.

-Here he is.

-Oh, look what I've got!

Pincher One to Pincher Two. Are you reading me? Over.

Pincher Two to Pincher One, I am reading you. Over.

-Darren Miller, I am sick of being engaged to you.

-Sick to death.

-So I've decided that we're going to set a date.

-A date to get married.

Cool.

I will see you on the golf course, Darren. OK?

Oh, you should've told me you were having a meeting.

Tell you what, that centre has been a godsend to me. Talking of which...

This is too late for me, my dear. Not enough time left to repent for all the things that I have done.

-That's just it - it's never too late.

-We're talking roof here.

Oh...sorry.

-There's some wise words in here.

-Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, but none of 'em mention a tiler. So come on, Jean, focus.

Right.

I've put together a fund-raising team list.

So Patrick, because you're such a charmer,

I thought you could contact local companies and see if they'd like to contribute to the cause.

Well, then, I'll give it my charming best, my dear.

-Norman and I...

-Yeah?

I thought we could do event management.

Organise some sort of function where we get people to...

open their eyes to what is going on.

I'm all for that, Jean.

-You are?

-Oh, yeah.

-So who's going to do the catering?

W-W-Why do we need catering?

-You always need catering.

-Yeah, I could help you with that Jean. Yeah, you cook, I'll dish out.

-OK, that sounds settled, then.

-It does?

-Yeah.

Hold on. This is JEAN'S scheme.

Yeah, and it's working beautifully. I'll help you manage events. And I hope you've got some good ideas.

-Well, let's discuss it all over a bottle of wine, eh?

-Oh, lovely.

-SHE SHOUTS:

-Brainwave! Brainwave!

I know what will get us some money.

We could have a fete. Yeah. We could hold a fete.

And it could be called the, um...

Fete and Fortune Day.

-I can do me tarot cards.

-You know, we could get Ian to sponsor that.

And we'll need a main attraction, so maybe, Norman, you could do your Pearly King thing.

-You'll need a Pearly Queen.

-I could do that. We could be a right pearly royal couple, Norman.

-Everyone will flock to see us.

-That's a great idea!

-But I've got my own Queen.

-You have?

You'll do it, won't you, Pat?

CRASHING

OSCAR SCREAMS

Oscar?

I'm on my way there now.

Yeah, I'm going to tidy up, yeah. Put everything in boxes.

Yeah all right, I'll see you there.

What you doing there?