16/10/2011 EastEnders Omnibus

Tanya!

Tan!

Get out!

Calm down, love. Only doing my job!

I'll use this, I swear to you, I'll use this!

Oh, good, I'm glad you and Brian have got acquainted.

How did you get in here?

-You don't feel too hot.

-Yeah, but I feel terrible.

-There.

Go on, sit down for a bit.

I want a full inventory on fixtures, fittings

and general tat.

Do me a favour, get out of my flat before I call the Old Bill!

Hang on. Pause.

Your flat?

Not according to this.

If you have any problems with the big words, just... OK?

Oh!

Is that your child? That is not normal.

Excuse me, what have you stepped in?

-You filthy pig!

-I'm going to add that to the list.

Replace carpets.

The increase in your rent should cover it.

I don't get it.

The playgroup called you.

Yeah, about my CRB check. ..Thanks.

If you don't call them back, they'll think you're not interested.

What's the point? They know I've been done for shoplifting. They're not going to want me.

It's only work experience.

At the poxy community centre.

-Dunno why I bother!

-I didn't mean it like that.

No, it's not art college, but then, we're not all as talented as you, are we?

Who says I'll even get in?

You will. Must be nice. Things always working out for you.

Argee Bhajee To Go. New name, new menu.

I thought you were working at the salon today?

-I am. I just thought Mum could do with a bit of support, you know, after everything.

-How is she?

No! I said drape, not droop.

-Nobody wants bunting in their aloo gobi.

-All right, Zainab.

The flat's looking really brilliant. We'd love it if you came for a visit.

Oh, so sorry, you need to speak up.

My inconsiderate neighbour was playing thumping disco music all last night.

The eardrum, Christian, is a very delicate organ.

-What is it now?

-I don't think your mum's a fan of Lady GaGa.

-Was it too loud?

-No, no. It's fine.

Suppose I'll have to get used to it.

-We'll keep it down. Won't we?

-I'll see you later...poker face.

PHONE RINGS

ANSWER PHONE: 'This is the Masoods. We can't take your call - please leave a message.'

'Aunty? Uncle... It's me, Amira.'

-We know you ain't ill, you know.

-I am actually. I've got a temperature.

-Yeah, and a bad case of skive-itis!

Give her a break, will you? She just wants a day off. Where's the harm?

-And what happened to "Thou shalt not lie"?

-Right, Abs, school please.

-If your head gets any worse, take two of these.

-I could be dying.

-This could be the last time you ever see me.

-No-one's dying, Abs.

How comes madam there can bunk off but not Abs?

She's not bunking off. She's driving me to the wholesaler's, thank you. Abi, school please.

Look, if your head starts getting any better maybe you could have a sleepover with one of your friends?

-Who?

-Why don't you make your mind up, on the bus

on the way to school!

Bye... DOOR SHUTS

17, 18...

19.

My business card.

With all my contact details.

So?

So, last time I was in here I noticed that you had a bit of an issue with filth.

-Yeah.

-And my property management company has a subsidiary division...

..in office cleaning.

Never underestimate the power of filth.

See, I take a deep breath, smell the sweat, smell the stench

of masculine vapours - tells me I'm in a real man's gym,

not some establishment frequented by ponces in leotards.

Filth. Filth augments ambience.

Filth. A precious commodity.

Well, I'll take your word for it.

21...

I see you got things sorted out with your dad.

-I could have a word with him if you like.

-He's gone.

He's on a job. I don't know when he'll be back.

Oi, Rocky, shouldn't you be in assembly?

Oh, nice shiner, well done!

My old man says if you ain't had a few bruises, you ain't lived.

Eddie Moon. Specialist subject - talking cobblers.

Yeah. Like father, like son, eh?

She says she's going to stay at Lola's.

I hate lying to her.

You can't say nothing. She'll freak out if you tell her.

-Yeah.

-She won't understand that there's nothing to be scared of.

Yeah... It's not that different to one of them spa days, really, is it?

-Bit of a lie down, refreshments on tap.

-Tanya Jessop?

That was quick. Just getting into Katie and Peter's Dream Wedding.

-I'll take you to the radiotherapy room now.

-Bring it on.

Right, yeah. Bring it on.

PHONE BEEPS

-OK if I head off to the salon now?

-Yes, of course. You should go.

Actually, Syed...

Mum, I told you you'd feel better once you got out here.

You've got nothing to be ashamed of.

Everything's going to be all right.

-I got a call from Pakistan last night about the interview.

-Yes. Good.

It's to be expected, you know. This tiredness.

-The withdrawal from the sleeping pills can take...

-No, Yusef.

I am tired because that creature Christian has got no respect.

Always be Masala Masood to me.

-Has she lost weight?

-Zainab? Can't say I've noticed.

She doesn't seem herself.

She tried to kill herself, I doubt she'll be in the best of moods.

I gave her a divorce cos I thought it'd make her happy.

Does she look happy to you?

Only one way to find out, isn't there?

It's a common misconception. Don't worry, everyone asks.

I'm not vain, it's just I run a beauty salon,

so I'm like a walking advert. Some people suit being bald, don't they?

I've got a funny shaped head, so...

The radiotherapy isn't targeted near your head.

And your chemotherapy can cause a bit of hair thinning, but you won't lose it.

-Thinning. Right, yeah.

-You'll hardly notice.

-Shirl! Whoo-hoo!

-The one and only.

In the flesh.

-So Tina's back on her feet then?

-Yeah, on her feet.

in her stilettos and on the razzle. Phil told me to keep an eye on you

while he was away, and he weren't wrong.

That house, Hev! If that's not curry on my kitchen tiles, someone's for the high jump.

Well, I'm not to blame, I don't live there any more.

-I've moved in with Patrick.

-Urgh! Dirty old...

No, no, no, not moving in like that.

I'm staying at the B&B. Didn't Phil tell you?

No, he flaming didn't. What else did he miss out on, Hev?

I can't talk now. I've got a queue.

No, Marie can manage. Right, you lot. There's free curry out there.

Gratis, all for nothing. While stocks last. Go on.

Do you want to see my white bits?

Hev, home. Now.

Your daughter gave us a CD.

Thought the music might help relax you during your treatment.

What is she like? I couldn't be more relaxed.

All set, then.

I'll be in the control room but we can still talk to each other.

If you've got any worries, wave your hand.

We can stop the machine at any time.

Definitely curry sauce from the chippy.

This ruck Phil had with Patrick, did he apologise?

Yeah. Once he'd chucked Kat and Alfie out the Vic.

-But they're back there now.

-So why are you still at the B&B?

-It's only going to be for a few more days.

-Good.

-Till I move into one of Janine's flats.

-Janine?!

Have you had a bang on the head? Do you think you're a yuppy?

No. Darren sorted me out with some money

and I've spoken to the social about benefits.

-Oh, you want to meet Elvis again.

-Eh?

That's what happened last time you were living on your own!

-You were that close to a duet with the King of Rock 'n' Roll!

-Look, it's a nice place.

-Me and George are moving in this weekend.

-You're back!

-Buenos dias.

They let you off, did they, to come and join the welcoming committee?

Sorry, I was just... What's happened to your eye?

He's been down the boxing gym, I bet!

So, how do you fancy a slap-up lunch? I'm been dying for some English food.

-Chinese suit you?

-Pork balls!

I'm going to get the menu.

MUSIC: "Barbie Girl" by Aqua

This used to be my little boy's favourite when he was a baby.

Try to keep as still as you can.

Yeah, sorry.

Sorry.

Don't come complaining to me

-if it burns a hole in your carpet, that's all I'm saying.

-Yeah, yeah.

Citizen's advice.

Who, what, where?

Is that supposed to be a question?

Yes. You look like the kind of person that would know.

-I look like someone who has legal problems?

-Yeah.

That's £7.38, please.

You know, as a responsible shopkeeper,

Denise should report this excessive chemical purchase.

-Pardon?

-You're either very clean or a potential terrorist threat.

-And I know which one I think is more likely.

-What is your problem?

-Staff discount?

-Zainab, if you don't mind me asking,

-but is everything...

-Zainab? You'd better come out here.

Excuse me! We're having a conversation...

That'll be in my head all day now!

Good. It's supposed to take your mind off things.

Took me back to that karaoke bar in Cyprus, you remember?

Your dad hated it.

Hello. I'm Sam. I'll take you to the chemo suite now, if you're ready?

Idiot Waseem! As if we'd give away free food!

Where does that boy get his stupid ideas from?!

Maybe someone wants to spoil your launch.

-PHONE RINGS

-I'll get it.

No... no. It's fine.

'It's me again. Amira.

'How many more times before you actually speak to me?'

-After you've done this, we can go home. Have a pizza.

-Lovely.

-A Hawaiian. Bit of garlic bread...

-Right. Ladies?

Actually, Lauren, would you go and get me a quick drink?

-I'm supposed to keep hydrated at all times.

-You've been reading the leaflets.

Haven't got much choice with this one. Not tea, it tastes like mushroom soup.

Right, let's get you started, shall we?

You agreed that it was for the best.

You said you were on my side.

I did and I am. But maybe we underestimated her.

She's not going to give up, is she?

-Perhaps it's time you let her speak to Syed.

-No. Never.

-But Zainab...

-If she divorces Syed,

then Christian will have free reign

to go ahead with this civil marriage partnership nonsense.

I will not let that man get his claws any deeper into my son than he has already.

Syed'll never forgive you if he finds out you've lied about Amira.

It's my duty to protect my son.

You promise me you won't say anything. Promise.

I promise.

-They're ready for your mum now. Any idea where she is?

-She's in there.

No, she ain't.

Certainly attracting the crowds.

Crowds of scroungers wanting something for nothing.

-What?

-Someone spread the rumour that we were giving away free food.

You wouldn't happen to know anything about this, would you?

Course not! Why would I do that?

I want this business to be a success as much as you.

Zee, you look exhausted.

Why don't you go home and rest up?

-I'm not an invalid!

-That's not what I'm...

Amira. It's Dr Khan.

I spoke to your father a while ago. ..Yes, that's right.

Well, maybe we should meet.

You ain't got a light, have you?

Oh, nice hair! Where'd you get it from?

Don't tell me, one of them online places. America, I bet.

Eh? No. This is all my own.

Oh.

-You here to visit the House of Death, then? Cancer ward?

-You?

No way.

Fit as, me.

All the lippy in the world ain't going to help.

There you are!

Yeah, hi. This is Whitney Dean. I think you wanted to talk to me?

Yeah, I'll hold.

Whose idea was it to change the name then?

It was a rebranding.

It's a lot to take on, though. If I'd been through what you'd been through...

Waseem, put the lid back on the pilau or it'll dry out.

If you don't want to talk to me, it's fine. But give Mas a chance.

-He deserves that.

-What is this? The Denise Fox relationship helpline?

Remind me, how many husbands have you had?

-He's worried sick about you, you know.

-Just leave it.

-I have customers.

-You don't make it easy, do you?

-No wonder he's walking on eggshells.

-Whatever, Denise.

-Yes, that's right!

He's worried if he says the wrong thing, you'll try and top yourself again...

Oh...

I'm sorry, Zainab. I didn't mean...

Zainab!

Oi!

-Are you mad?

-Lauren, it's my decision.

-She's got you there, Emo.

-Who are you?

Thought you could use a referee.

Once they start dripping this poison in,

-I'm going to be no good to anyone.

-What are you talking about?

Your dad's gone AWOL. I just... I can't be sick, Lauren.

Not now! I mean, who's going to make sure you all do your homework on time,

and stop Oscar running riot, and make you rice pudding and toast when you're ill,

and let you watch DVDs till the pain goes away?

I can do that.

No. All these treatments, they have side-effects.

The major one being that it might just save your life, Mum!

I could go into early menopause, maybe not be able to have kids.

-You don't want any more.

-Well, I'd like to have a choice!

Right.

So you're just going to die, then.

Thanks. Thanks a lot, Mum.

What about me, Abi and Oscar?

You're so worried about the kids you ain't even had yet, you've forgotten about us!

We need you to get better, Mum.

Gobby little mare, your daughter, ain't she?

Don't let no-one push you about, Blondie. You do what you want to do.

-Maybe she's just not ready.

-She is. She'll be here. You just need to wait for her.

How could she do that to me?

-Don't worry, it'll soon blow over.

-Blow over?!

Everybody's out there gossiping about what I tried to do.

How will I show my face at the mosque again?

No-one will believe you'd ever harm yourself.

If the community finds out, I will lose what little respect I have left.

-Shhh...

-PHONE RINGS

-I should go.

-Pakistan.

Oh.

I'll call them back. Tell I've cancelled the interview.

-But your job...

-There'll be others.

I don't feel comfortable leaving you with all this going on.

I could stay.

We could face people together, Zainab.

I can make sure these rumours don't get out of hand.

Keep Amira away from Syed.

It's up to you, of course.

Tell me what you want, and I'll do it.

I don't know.

I can't ask...

Do you want me to stay, Zainab?

It might feel a bit cold when it first goes in, yeah?

-You made it then?

-Siobhan.

Today is your lucky day, I ain't snuffed it yet.

-We'll never get rid of you now, will we?

-I'm a size zero now, Sammy. Tasty, ain't he?

-If I had hair, eh...

-You wouldn't be any more beautiful.

You said you weren't a patient.

Yeah, well. I don't like to brag about it.

Right.

Are you ready, Tanya?

Mum?

Come on, it's the least you can do. I've had the day from hell.

Look at my face, it needs cheering up.

Sy is not in the mood for a flat-warming. He'll never agree.

Make it a surprise, then you don't have to tell him.

And who'll get it in the neck from Zainab for the noise and drinking?

D'you know what, old Mother Hubbard really needs...

-to chill out.

-All right, Doc?

Don't suppose you've got a cure for foot in mouth?

She's right. A party might be just what Syed needs. Zainab wouldn't want him to miss out.

There you are! You heard the man!

Come on!

Don't eat all the spring rolls, Hev. How many more times?!

We could have DVD nights round my new place.

Do you want that one?

Come on, Hev, move back in. The place ain't the same without you.

-Richard Gere gives her an appetite.

-I love a man in a suit.

KNOCKING

It ain't Phil. You promised me he wouldn't be here.

-He'd use his key.

-What if he's lost it?

-You all right?

-Yeah, I'm fine. She was a laugh, wasn't she?

Siobhan. She's my new text buddy.

Oooh! Lauren! Lauren!

Guess what? I called the playgroup.

-Yeah, and?

-And...

-The R&R sound system?

-Yes, you know, speakers, mics, the lot. It's for a special occasion.

-No!

-Come on, Tuesdays are rubbish down the club anyway.

-Good point!

-Go on, Shirl.

-I want it back in mint condition.

-Get in!

-You won't regret this.

-I better not.

-Ben, I owe you one.

Hey, step away from the carbs! Greedy, greedy.

-So, screaming, puking rugrats.

-Yeah, I know, I love it.

I can't wait! I've got my induction tomorrow.

I don't even know what one is!

-Congratulations. How many days a week you doing?

-Just the one.

They don't mind the shoplifting, as long as I'm good with the kids.

-Only one day's work experience. It's a start though.

-Yeah, great!

Anyway, got to go. Going to see what I need to wear tomorrow!

-See you later.

-See you.

Right.

-Say cheese!

-OK, Butcher,

you can wipe that smile off your face.

You can't do anything till you've served me notice.

I've had legal advice, OK?

Come on, Janine. What you did was out of order.

-At least she deserves an apology.

-OK.

In which case... Stop, please, I have an announcement to make.

I, Janine Butcher, hereby give you, Roxanne Mitchell, notice that

as the owner of 29B Albert Square,

I'll be entering the premises every single day for the next two weeks

to try and restore this building to a habitable standard.

Every one of you, witnesses.

-Yeah. I might have known.

-What? Just enjoying the cabaret.

You know what you can do, don't you?!

Don't give them the satisfaction. Come on.

There aren't many people that live up to their reputations.

But if I had a cap, I'd be doffing it in your general direction.

I don't suppose you've got any plans for lunch?

I have, yeah.

Ian has an enormous saveloy with my name all over it.

Maybe some other time, eh?

Maybe. We'll see.

-It's a classic!

-I ain't watching it. You know I'm allergic to jazz hands.

Dad told you, didn't he?

What I told him.

He left a few things out.

Oh... No, he didn't do this. He didn't hit me or anything.

Do you think he'd still have his legs, if I thought he had?

He's a miserable git.

Still...

..he is who he is.

Just like you are.

And I wouldn't change nothing about the pair of you.

Come on. Must be going soft in my old age.

Nah, you're all right sometimes.

So are you.

In small doses.

Dr Khan?

Oh! I thought we were having pizza. What you been cooking up?

You know, opened a few tins, turned a few knobs.

A bit of cordon bleu?

Oh, darling.

Well, you used to make it for me when I was ill.

Now it's my turn.

Thank you.

-Where's Syed?

-All in good time.

-You said he'd be here.

I need to see him.

You can talk to me about the divorce.

-That's not why I came.

-Then we have nothing to say to...

-This isn't about me.

This is about her.

This is Yasmin.

Syed's daughter.

What else, mango chutney?

Mm-hm. Right, I've got to go.

The aching muscles of Walford won't heal themselves.

Ooh, that makes you sound like a doctor.

I like the idea of being married to a doctor.

You just like the idea of being married...

full stop.

-What and you don't?

-Bye, hubs.

-Sounds all right, I guess. See you, Rox.

-Bye.

I actually thought he was never going to leave.

And I thought I'd have to watch you play doctors and nurses.

Yeah, well you'd have liked that. Right... Where were we?

My favourite bit - booze.

You are going to behave tonight, aren't you?

Oh, come on, I need cheering up after Cruella de Janine's...

evil plot to make me homeless.

Don't worry, I've got your back. And if you go missing and I see her

wandering around in a yellow-haired coat, I'll call the RSPCA...

Paws up!

Amira, it's Doctor Khan.

I can't stress enough the importance of keeping your daughter's existence hidden from the Masoods.

I'd hate for them to come between you and your child.

You know that family would smother her.

-Do I look all right?

-Yes, yes, apart from these.

You might stand less chance ending up in A&E.

Do you think the kids are going to like me?

Yes, of course. If I was one-and-a-half, I'd love you too.

Oh, thanks... Shut up.

-Listen, good luck, yeah?

-Thanks.

Listen, I'll pop round after the induction thingy, you know I mean. It's only going to take a few hours.

All right, cool.

Do you know what, this is the start of something new.

I can feel it. I can. Right, I'll see you later.

See you later.

-Was that Whitney?

-Mum, you look awful.

Thanks. I wasn't going to go on the pull, was I?

I just got a text from Siobhan. I thought I might give her a ring.

Can't you just do that another time?

You're meant to rest after treatment.

-Yes, Miss.

-I'll bring you up a cup of tea, yeah?

Yusef. Don't suppose you've heard from Qadim?

If I had, yours would be the first number I'd ring. I promise.

-It's just all I can think about.

-Maybe you shouldn't pin everything on this.

-How do you mean?

-Well, isn't happiness the most important part in your relationship?

-You've changed your tune.

-I'm just trying to be realistic.

And I'd hate to think your obsession with getting a divorce could colour what you already have.

-No Zainab today?

-No.

Flirty Floozy?

-I beg your pardon.

-That lipstick - "Flirty Floozy". It's mine.

How many times have I told you not to leave your things dotted around the place.

You look lovely, Dorothy.

Thank you ever so much, Cora.

Mrs B! You're looking sharp.

Loving the hair, the earrings and I'm feeling those garms!

Is that what passes for a compliment these days?

Absolutely, straight up and down. So, you going anywhere nice?

Only to the launderette cos of Heather wanting to change her shift, I don't know why.

Sometimes I don't know whether I'm coming or going.

Where's me...?

-You seem a little fraught.

-No.

Last night I was fraught but now I'm calm.

I've had a chance to think things through clearly.

Meaning?

Meaning I shouldn't have said what I did.

Why so cold all of a sudden?

I was up all night thinking things through.

There can be absolutely nothing between us.

Tamwar and Afia should be our priority.

I don't want to see them condemned them like that.

But what if you came with me when I have my interview...to Karachi?

I thought you'd cancelled it?

Not yet.

Still could. Or we could both go.

No-one would know either of us.

Just imagine that. No twitching curtains, no need to worry about how it would look for Tamwar and Afia.

Just the chance to enjoy ourselves, to be happy, Zainab.

When was the last time you could say that?

I would have my interview. You could relax, see how it feels.

See how it feels?

You mean if I wanted to stay?

Why not? It's a beautiful country.

People would respect you there in a way you've never been respected here.

I just...

I can't just leave my children.

Shabnam's in Pakistan anyway and I hate to break it to you,

but Tamwar and Syed aren't children any more.

Besides, Kamil could come with us and we could afford the best education, a big house...

Just stop it, all right? Just stop what you're doing.

What?

-What?!

-You sound like a tourist brochure, OK?

I am not a gullible customer, I am a person, Yusef.

That is the end of that.

You're an impossible woman! An emotional mess.

I try and be honest, to listen to you and you throw it all back in my face.

Please...go.

Heather?

Heather? I've got us some special biscuits.

Oh, no. Where's she gone?

-It's definitely not her birthday.

-Anniversary?

When did her and Jimbo get hitched?

-February.

-I don't know then, man.

-50 years!

-Listen, no offence to Mrs B, but I think she's a little bit...

No, she's been working at the launderette for 50 years.

-She said something about it last month. Today must be the anniversary.

-Whoa, that is heavy.

I didn't even know they had washing machines back then.

So what did her boss get her?

Nothing.

What do you mean, nothing? Nothing as in nada, as in zilch, as in a big fat zero?

She was looking all nice and fresh this morning. This is a job for Fatboy and friends.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-All right. Come on then.

Targets, bruv, that is the key. Last week was good,

but we are not some sailing boat coasting along, reliant on the next puff of wind.

No, we are a turbo-charged speed boat,

we gun the engine, we see the returns...

All right?

All right.

-Where you off to?

-Playgroup.

-I'll play with you if you're bored?

Got better things to do than play, Tyler.

Oi, come on. Work to do. Stick that in that box.

-She still not well then, your friend, Mrs Masood?

-Excuse me?

Lovely woman. Such a shock.

It makes you wonder though, doesn't it?

I'll pass on your concern, shall I, next time I see her?

Shall I send in the next patient?

Wait. Just give me a minute.

It's Yusef Khan. Salam alaikum.

He dragged me down here. It better be good.

I'm missing Diagnosis Murder for this.

Right, check this, yeah?

I find out that Mrs B has been nose to the grind stone for a good 50 years.

And I think I can speak on behalf of all of us when I say that is heavy, yeah?

So here I am, DJ Fatboy Fats sending the shout out for the biggest and best mix and blend. You getting me?

-You feeling me, ladies?

-What's he on about?

-I don't know, but I like it.

-Ladies, man's got a plan!

-I hope you know how all of this goes together?

-No. Why would I?

Because you used to be a DJ?

And you are supposed to be a bloke.

You're butch enough for both of us.

-And you're gay enough for both of us.

-Do we know any real men then?

If we did, I wouldn't be stood here single, would I?

Call Fat Boy.

Good idea.

Do you have to do that here?

MUSICAL RING TONE PLAYS

Yes, bruv? What's going on?

What, a party?

It's all popping off tonight, man. Yeah, but I can't,

I'm busy, all right? I'll give you a bell later, innit.

All right, bruv, peace.

Bit moody, ain't he?

I think there's something's going on between him and Mrs Masood.

Imagine washing smalls for 50 years.

Enough to put you off men for life.

Dorothy, she gets a kick out of it,

erasing life's little stains.

Me, I like creating 'em.

Can I help?

Is Mr Khan in? It's a personal matter.

Is that right?

Bushra, thought I heard you. Come in.

When you mentioned Zainab, I felt I had to drop everything.

Thank you, Rose.

They're brown bread! You just got them!

Someone forgot to feed them.

They're not my fish!

It's like a symbol for you and Whitney,

the fact your love was...

-cut tragically short(!)

-Aw, still having no luck?

He's tried it all.

Even strung two sentences together - closest you've been

to a long-term relationship.

Just cos I don't practise in front of a mirror

-before I talk to a girl.

-Lads, lads!

Come on, gather round. Come on, come here.

Come on, I need a circle of trust

before I dispense with my precious pearls, all right?

I'll say this, only once!

OK? I'm about to give you the Alfie Moon guide

to getting the girls.

THEY LAUGH What?!

No, no, hear me out.

I'll show you how to get the key to her heart,

-the magic ingredient to sealing the date. The piece of resistance!

-He ain't got a clue.

No, it's very simple. You fall over.

-What?!

-That's all you need.

-Do something daft, it endears them, they'll want to mother you.

-Mother who?

This is where you hide when there's a beer delivery?

Hello, love of my life, helping Tyler with a conundrum -

why the beautiful Whitney Dean is refusing his charms?

You mean, why hasn't she jumped into bed yet?

Wahey!

It's her loss. Look, I don't chase women. End of.

Cos moping around's more dignified.

Right, want my advice?

-Whatever Alfie tells you...

-Yeah?

-..do the opposite.

-Oi!

-Beer delivery...now!

On my way, darling.

Don't listen to her. Trust me, lads, you can't go wrong.

Always works. I'm watching you. Later.

Sometimes, I just wish the law had never been passed.

That sounds terrible, I know, but it just gets so complicated.

You know what I mean? Choice.

The option's available and if you don't do it,

it's like you've chosen not to,

whereas before,

not doing it didn't mean anything.

I am committed, no question,

but...do we really need to get married to prove it?

-Janine!

-Hmmm?

Sorted out the sound system yet, bruv?

-What?

-The rave at yours, man.

It's going to be banging!

What rave?

HE MOUTHS

Bushra!

Zainab.

As-salaam alaikum.

Wa alaikum salaam.

I was in the area, so I thought it would be a good chance to catch up.

You've gone awfully quiet on us, recently.

-Have I?

-Bumped into Yusef.

Did you?

He didn't say anything,

but you know how intuitive I am.

When he mentioned you'd been at the hospital, well...

I put two and two together.

I feel terrible, Zainab.

You're such a dear friend.

I should have known you were falling apart.

-Party?

-So? D'you wanna go?

-With you?

-If you're going to be all school disco about it, don't bother.

Yeah, that's funny! All right, I will. Yeah.

Aye, aye.

ANTHONY LAUGHS

-Taking Alfie's advice, are we?

-Yeah.

(Oh!)

You all right?

Listen, about my brother.

He really likes you.

-If you knew him, that's a first.

-So, I'm meant to be flattered?

You can make out like you're not bothered.

Or pop your head round and say hello.

It's not hard, is it?

It's only one word.

OK, so Hev reckons

that she can delay Mrs B for about 20 minutes max,

so we've got to get moving, people.

Can't we have a little sherry to get us going?

A party in a laundrette - my life has peaked(!)

No, no, ladies! We've got to keep it moving, all right?

So, can you sort out the nibbles, and the food and stuff?

And can you sort out the bar?

I'm going to sort out the tunes.

You see, we are going to smash the competition.

What competition?

Christian and Roxy have got a rival party planned.

But they're not celebrating 50 years

working in a laundrette, are they?

Junk, junk, and more junk.

No wonder his daughter was so keen to off-load it.

We'd have to pay people to take that.

Don't know what you mean. Whoo!

Don't. Get it off!

It's probably got fleas or something, stop it!

TYLER LAUGHS

Atchoo! See?

Something funny?

Yeah. Just this freak of a bear.

Aw, I think it's really sweet.

Your childhood must have been seriously disturbed

if you think this is sweet.

What?

I've got feelings but you wouldn't get that.

Why, cos I'm shallow?

-Seen puddles deeper.

-I like to have a good time.

Why's that wrong? You should try it.

-I do, plenty.

-Yeah?

How come I've never seen it?

Maybe you're not as funny as you think.

-How much is this?

-Usually, 30,

but...seeing as you're the best looking woman

to come in here all day,

I could probably find it in my heart to do a special price.

Sorry, I didn't realise you had a visitor.

(Hi.)

It's fine. The more the merrier.

In fact, we should make this a regular thing.

Now that Masood and I are separated...

Divorced.

..I find that I'll have a lot of time on my hands.

Maybe I could get involved at the mosque again.

If you're up to it that would be wonderful,

although I'm sure no-one expects anything of you.

-I think I'd enjoy it.

-Of course you would.

But remember what they can be like at mosque - so cliquey.

And you haven't been for quite some time now, have you?

I'm sure I would get back into the swing of things.

And knowing that you're there, Bushra, fighting my corner.

Naturally.

Although, I should probably warn you...

the fact that you two have become so close

hasn't gone unnoticed in certain circles.

What? Which circles?

I really couldn't break any confidences.

Who's been saying what, Bushra, exactly?

I don't understand how they could think that cos it's not true,

it's really not true...

It's not any of their business.

I'm sorry, but they are nothing but the idle assumptions

of malicious, ignorant minds.

I quite agree. I didn't mean to offend anyone.

Well...I'll leave you two to it.

Lovely to see you, Bushra.

Yusef.

-Where is she?

-I'm getting cramp down here!

Hev said they were round the corner.

-Hey! Whose hand is that?

-Sorry.

-Control yourself, Rose.

-Shhh, think I can hear something.

..that couldn't wait is beyond me, Heather Trott.

ALL SHOUT: Surprise!

Oh, my God!

You nearly give me a heart attack!

-Happy 50 years of working here, Mrs B.

-Oh, 50?

Is it 50? I wouldn't have known. What a lot of fuss and bother.

Oi, please! I want to celebrate the first day of work experience.

And I promised Fats that I'd save him from Dot's sister.

I'm not really in the mood, Whitney...

-Why?

-She says yes.

-What?!

-Well, I didn't raise my daughter

to be a stick-in-the-mud.

It certainly isn't in the cross genes. So, go, please.

Have fun. That's an order.

Ha!

Come on!

All right, come on. Who, em...

Who wants a Roxy Reveller? Yes, come on!

Told you - no decent party ever starts this early.

We'll just have to make our own fun.

Look, our first bit of bait.

Who invited you?

-Syed. You know, the person who lives here.

-Wait.

Syed knows about the party?

-Hey!

-Surprise!

THEY LAUGH NERVOUSLY

Can I have a word?

-What's wrong?

-A party?

-Yeah.

Engagement-cum-flat warming. For you!

-For us.

-Don't pretend you're doing this for me. You're doing this to wind up my mum.

-This is your petty way of getting back at her.

-With what?

-A party!

-Back up a minute.

What can you hear?

Hm?

Why's there no music?

This isn't my way of getting back at your mum.

I just want us to celebrate being together.

Is that so bad?

D'you know what?

Come on, everyone. It's supposed to be a party, isn't it?

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

You know me, I'm always there for my friends.

Your son sleeps through this noise, does he?

He's with Masood right now.

Of course.

Poor child.

They're always the collateral when a marriage breaks down.

Kamil's a very happy, little boy, actually.

Now maybe, but just you wait.

I wouldn't be surprised if he turned out like the other one.

MUSIC PLAYS Oh, no, no, thank you.

What? Your mum was so right. Look, even your nan's more fun!

Fine.

Good.

Right, listen. I want to talk to you about Tyler?

Oh, my goodness!

You've got to save me from the blue-rinse crew, man.

Like vampires - draining my youth!

So, what's the deal for real, ladies?

Was just telling Lauren, Tyler's a skank.

The way he thinks he can get any girl

and they'll fall at his feet.

So what, you really don't like him then?

Give me some credit! What about you and that...

What's her name?

Faith...Olubunmi?

We're just kinda seeing how it goes, you know?

But you could do so much better.

-You think?

-Yeah.

What is this music about?! Sorry.

Arthur.

It's a good job Mr Hoppa Poppa ain't here.

I'd be getting my P45.

Don't worry about him. As long as you're having a good time, Mrs B.

A good job your young friends are here.

Can I ask you a question, Arthur?

Yeah.

If you are so keen on Whitney,

why are you courting that other girl?

-What do you think of the old place?

-Lovely.

-Scrubs up pretty well, eh?

-Yeah.

If you like middle-of-the-road.

Do you know, I actually feel quite sorry for you two.

Got no real friends of your own,

so you gate-crash a party where nobody likes you.

Right, she must have used both of her brain cells for that one.

Go easy, Janine.

You're right, like taking candy from a baby.

What's she ever done to you? Or maybe...fitter than you?

Fitter?

-SHE LAUGHS

-Good one.

He's kidding.

Yeah, cos he's a right laugh that way, Janine. A right laugh.

I'm knackered, can't we just go home?

Ten minutes at your brother's engagement party is a bit insulting.

Five more, however and we're bordering on acceptable.

Not leaving already, are you?

Ah, no, no.

You seen Syed?

Ladies and gentleman, your attention, please!

To commemorate 50 years of service, Mrs Branning.

-Cheers!

-ALL: Cheers!

ARTHUR: Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

Oh!

Oh, I say!

And that's not all.

Heather, Arthur and I...

-And me.

-..and Cora, of course,

have clubbed together to get you a little something.

Travel ticket confirmation.

Oh! 'Ere.

A trip to Ireland!

Ireland is right up your street, Mrs B.

All those churches -

it'll be like going on tour with the big man himself.

I don't live in a church, Arthur!

DOT LAUGHS Thank you ever so much, all of you.

Rose, you better get packing.

What?

It's a trip for two. Got to keep an eye on you,

keep you out of trouble.

What you doing?

Phoning a solicitor.

I'm fed up of having my life dictated by other people.

I just want this divorce over as soon as possible.

Are you sure?

I can't always live my life trying to please everyone else.

It's what I want.

What we want.

So yeah, I'm sure.

What did they say?

They're closed.

So much for the big romantic gesture.

Don't worry about it. I love you anyway.

Me too.

Come here.

No. You come here!

-CHRISTIAN LAUGHS

-What will the neighbours say?

Sorry to ask you to leave, but my head's really banging now.

It'll be the stress.

As well as coping with that racket on top of everything else.

It's making a mess of a neighbourhood like this, mind you.

Honestly...

Syed Masood!

This is something else!

Behaviour like this is completely disgusting!

You knew he was living next door, didn't you?

Dear God, Zainab!

First, divorce.

Then, attempted suicide.

And now you let your gay son shack up next door?!

You watch your mouth!

Doesn't he make you sick?

Aah!

I'm your friend!

No, you're not! You came here today to enjoy my misery,

and that isn't friendship!

And my son...

my son is not the sick one, Bushra Abbasi,

you are!

Now get out of my sight!

I will make sure everyone knows about this.

Everyone!

ROXY APPLAUDS

ROXY: Go on, Zainab! Go on!

Yusef, what are we doing? I can't...

It's OK... you're practically divorced.

You can finally listen to your heart.

PHONE RINGS

You're in no state to talk.

Go and freshen up,

I'll get this.

Hello?

You're in Walford? Why?

No, I told you.

Besides, Syed's not here, you're wasting your time.

Doctor Khan?

I knew something was going on with Mrs Masood.

I've got a sixth sense about these things.

It's called ears.

I'm in shock.

I'm actually on Zainab's side for once. It feels wrong.

But it...

It's a bit like when Darth Vader takes off the mask!

Stop it, all right. I can't.

I need to go and talk to Sy, he looks upset.

Excuse me.

Oi! Hello, you two. Long time no see.

Saw you yesterday.

-Did you? I noticed the chippy was shut. Where you been?

-To the dogs.

Oh, don't be so hard on yourself, love.

Oi! It's not like you to close up the shop and go on a jolly, is it?

Well, you know what they say - all work and no play...

So, did you have a big win?

No, but losing someone else's money doesn't have quite the same sting.

-It's only money, innit.

-Are my ears working?

-Are we going to have that drink, or what?

-Yeah.

I've got a idea. Why don't we go and hang out, yeah?

"Hang out"? Look at you, getting all down with the kids.

-I'm up for it if you are?

-I'm good enough for you now, am I?

Oh, come on, let's go.

-You all right, Carol?

-Yeah. You all right?

-You're looking nice.

-Oh, cheers. How's your brother?

Yeah, he's all right. Over the worst of it.

Good.

Meeting someone?

No. No.

-Pity Dad's in Spain then, eh?

-Oh, right, is he on holiday?

Well, not really, it's more of a permanent thing, he reckons...

but you never know with my old man, do you?

-Nice to see you.

-Yeah.

Come on, what's up with your face then?

-Where is everyone?

-You mean "Where's Whitney?" don't you?

-No.

-I mean everyone - it's dead.

-Probably at that party.

-Party?

-At Christian and Syed's.

What? There's a party that I don't know about?

Didn't get invited, did you?

Mate, I'm in love.

Excuse me. Do you know Syed Masood?

-Yeah, funnily enough, we're just going to his party now.

-Oh.

You're shaking.

It's... It's just I wasn't expecting...

I know. I'm sorry.

Don't be.

Who was on the phone?

It was the imam.

What?

I didn't want to worry you.

-Bushra's called him already?

-He wasn't happy.

Well, I'll...

call him up, I'll explain...

You hit another woman in public.

How do you explain that?

I'll tell him what she's been saying to me all afternoon.

You know, that...

I'll... I'll make him understand.

Do you really think the imam will take your word over Bushra's?

-What do you mean?

-You heard her today...

you have no standing in the community any more.

You're a fallen woman.

Bushra was taking a risk even associating with you.

-How can you say that to me?

-It's not what I think,

but you have to be realistic.

There's nothing here for you but shame...

So what do I do?

-There's nothing you can do.

-Please don't say that.

There must be. There must be a way to make them understand,

to explain what I've been going through.

-Come with me now, tonight.

-What?

-To Karachi.

-Run away?

-No, just for a break,

let things blow over.

Besides, what other choice do you have?

Bushra could be calling the police right now.

-The police?!

-Assault.

There were plenty of witnesses.

-She'd have a good case.

-You're being silly.

She wouldn't go that far, would she?

Oh, Yusef...

I'll have a couple of doughnuts, please, Marie.

Kids'll kill me if I come home empty-handed.

You all right, Lauren?

Fine, why? Where you been, anyway?

I've been staying with Sonia.

-You all right? Have you been drinking?

-What?

-No, not really.

-"No, not really"? Is that code for getting lashed?

Look at you, it's not even six o'clock.

Right, and what happens when it's six o'clock?

D'you turn into something other than a moody cow?

You don't even know what week it is, do you?

Right then, enlighten us then, Carol...

what week is it?

It's a year since Billie died.

Don't expect you to remember, you were wasted that night, too.

Wait, Carol...

Hey, Kat, listen. I've got a plan, right?

To get Ian to see the light.

-What are you talking about?

-Mandy.

-I thought you liked her?

-Yeah, as a fling, she's all right,

but she's too attached to his wallet for my liking.

-Well, he don't seem to mind.

-That's cos the bloke is in denial, see?

They're called breasts.

-Have you got a plan?

-Yeah. It's called a honeytrap.

-I'm not coming on to Ian!

-I'm not talking about you, you dope!

I'm talking about me. I'll be the honeytrap for Mandy.

What are you looking...? You saying I'm not honeytrap material?

Well, it worked on me, didn't it?

CHATTER AND LOUD MUSIC

-What is wrong with you?

-Aren't you worried?

No. Everyone's happy cos Mum finally told Bushra

where to stick it. I am partying, OK?

-Did you see Mum?

-Yeah, I know.

-Amazing, wasn't it?

-Have you been drinking?

No.

No!

Hello, mate, you all right mate?

Thanks for coming, yeah? Appreciate it.

Sort yourselves out, yeah?

Oh, look at those young men.

They are so cute!

You want to watch that one.

He'll marry you and take all your money.

Suits me, darling.

-What happened to that girl?

-The goddess?

Yeah. Thought she was with us?

-No-one's here either.

-Would you just call her and ask her out?

-Who?

-You see? That is your problem, bruv.

-I don't have a problem.

-No?

-I don't!

All right, all right.

Ladies.

Hello, darling.

Right, everyone, listen!

I've got a little announcement to make. Roxy!

'Pipe down everyone. You especially, Tambo.'

'OK, look...'

some of you already know this, but we haven't made it official,

but the real reason for this party

is to celebrate the fact that Christian and I are getting married.

-ALL:

-Ahh.

Right now, I feel like the luckiest man on the planet.

ROXY RETCHES

What?

Amira, wait!

I'm sorry, it was thoughtless of me.

And I do remember, I just can't believe it's been a year.

You're telling me.

Well, how're you doing?

I was holding it together until Bianca called...

and that did it.

Does it get any easier?

I'll let you know.

Lauren? What's wrong?

It's just...

..it's been a bit of a rough week. It's nothing.

Don't look like nothing.

It's just, erm...

..Mum.

She's...

I dunno, she's just...

She's not doing very well.

Very well? What...?

Come on, you can tell me, Lauren.

No, it's ever since her and Greg split...

I'm just really worried about her.

Right, and that's why you've been drinking, is it?

Look, if you want to help your mum,

don't give her something else to worry about, right?

Lay off the booze, yeah?

I'm sorry.

You heard all that about me and Christian...

But I am glad you're here.

Are you?

Yeah.

We can sit down like adults and finally sort this out.

What do you mean?

Have you spoken to Doctor Khan?

The divorce. That's what all this is about, isn't it?

I'm not here about a divorce.

Well, then why...?

I'm here about our baby.

KNOCK ON DOOR

DOOR SLAMS

SHE LAUGHS

How is this even possible, Amira?

I know we were trying, but...

the test...the test was negative.

-No. That was Chelsea's.

-What?!

I'm really supposed to believe that?

Thanks for showing me such respect(!) That's your forte.

What do you expect? You turn up out of the blue, making wild claims,

I mean, where is it, this imaginary baby?

Here.

Go on, look.

-It's a baby. They all look like that.

-The eyes.

Look at her eyes.

You see it, don't you?

They're yours.

And I have to look at them every single day.

I'm her father?

Sy?

Christian, I'm a dad.

This was a mistake.

-You had a baby?

-Get back.

I want to see.

-Argh!

-Amira!

-What is the matter with you?

-Rox...

-Are you all right?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

-Get off me.

-Rox!

-You're a vicious cow.

-Rox! Just leave it, Roxy.

-Come on.

-Why'd you do that?

I told him to get back.

You see, this is the reason why you can't be involved in Yasmin's life.

-Yasmin? That's her name?

-Don't go getting any ideas.

I'm leaving. I've got a taxi coming.

No, no, no, look, I just want to talk to you.

No pressure, no anything. You and I sitting down for a civilised conversation.

-I'm sorry, I can't.

-No, I'm not letting you go.

Sorry, Amira, this is too big a bombshell for you to just drop and then walk out.

OK.

Great. Just...sit down and I'll get us some drinks.

I just need to go to the ladies.

-Better than Diagnosis Murder, eh, Cor?

-I'm waiting for the murder.

Now's your chance, Agent Moon.

OK, all right.

Go. Go, go.

All right, Mandy?

I'm glad I've got you on your own.

You got any nuts?

-Yeah. Salted or dry roasted?

-Definitely dry.

Over there.

-Another drink?

-Oh, please, yeah.

Well, I'm pleased for Ian. You know, having you on his arm...

he must feel like all his Christmases have come at once, eh?

So, er, you approve?

Yeah, of course I approve. Yeah, course, yeah.

Can't help feeling a bit of the pang of the old green-eyed monster.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, well you're a gorgeous-looking bird... girl...woman.

You know, a beautiful girl.

Yeah. Well, you got Kat, ain't you.

Yeah. Yeah, course.

Yeah, me and Kat are great, you know. We are great.

But, you know, doesn't stop you wondering though, eh?

-Well, it's only natural.

-Yeah.

Yeah, it is, you know, er...

Long as you don't do anything about it.

No, no, course not, no. But if you were to...

and no-one knew and no-one got hurt...

Are you flirting with me, Alfie?

No. No. But...

-would you like it if I was?

-Well...

Nice try,

but, well, this little shop's closed for business.

SHE GIGGLES

Amira!

-What are you doing here?

-I needed to see you.

Come away from there.

Why?

You're hurting me! Ow!

Why're we hiding?

Zainab's fragile at the moment.

-This news may tip her over the edge.

-Fragile?

It's complicated, Amira.

-She attempted suicide a few weeks ago.

-Zainab?!

-Why ARE you here?

-I'm not a child, you can't just push me about.

Anyway, you lied. Syed is here.

You've seen him?

You stupid girl.

How dare you? What would my dad say if he heard you talking to me like that?

He'd agree. Don't you see? This is what I was trying to warn you about.

Syed will do everything he can to get her off you.

He wouldn't.

They're desperate to adopt. Why else would I warn you off?

-What do you mean? They can't just take my baby.

-He is her father.

If only you'd trusted me.

I do.

Please, Doctor Khan. Please, help me.

Go home. I'll call tomorrow.

We'll get a solicitor.

Everything will be fine.

-You promise?

-Of course.

It didn't work.

What, she resisted the Moon charm? Never(!)

You sure?

Yes. Ian, I know when a man is coming on to me, trust me.

I mean, you're not the most subtle of the species.

All right, guys, you got enough drinks and everything? Lovely!

-What's going on?

-What you talking about?

-I've told him.

No, it's not like that, all right?

I was just being friendly, that's all.

Oh, give it up, Alfie, we've been rumbled!

"We've"? Were you in on it, too?

In on...what?

Is this...

This what I think it is?

OK, just hear me out, all right?

I want to apologise. I overstepped the mark,

but, listen, come on, we're all friends here, ain't we?

-We're close friends, aren't we?

-Course we are, yeah, exactly.

Do you know what, I never knew you were so open about it.

I mean, we're all consenting adults, aren't we?

There's no need to feel awkward about any of this, Alfie.

This is how it works, isn't it?

SHE LAUGHS

Come on Kat, where's yours?

She's done a runner.

-Didn't I say?

-We'll catch up with her. She can't have gone far.

No. I've got to do this on my own.

Besides, I want a boyfriend who can actually see, come tomorrow.

Come on you, drink. Drink.

Is that the interval?

Save my seat.

Keys in a bowl? Ian, this ain't the '70s!

All right, fine.

But what I don't get is why you were trying it on with Mandy?

And why YOU were just going along with it?

Well, it's to set me up, innit? You know, prove I'll go with anyone.

-Smart girl, this one.

-Listen, I was worried about you. No offence, Mandy.

No, look, there's none taken, all right?

-Why?

-Because you've been acting out of character lately.