Phil and Shirley attempt to discover the identity of their tormentor. Ricky returns from Dubai with some bad news. Yusef's control of Zainab becomes increasingly abusive.
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Shouldn't leave your door open, Shirl - not round here,
Anyone can get in, can't they? Help themselves to anything.
I'd have had a look around, but...
-Do you think someone's broken in?
What if they're still here, Shirl?
They're going to get their jacksies kicked in. Phil couldn't have shut the door properly.
Yeah, he's got a lot on his mind at the moment.
-All the police and all that lot.
Beating up young girls.
That's not what happened.
What you looking at?
You got something on your mind an' all?
-You've got real charm about you today.
-Just leave it, will ya.
-Yeah, I do that a lot. And look where that gets us.
Carry on like this, you're going to be Public Enemy Number One.
I'm bricking it, aren't I(!)
-OK. Maybe you just don't care.
-What, about a bunch of losers?
You got four businesses on this Square. You need those losers.
I'm supposed to go round on bended knee apologising to everyone?
No. Just smile.
At our Christmas party, tonight.
What Christmas party? I said what Christmas party?
Pops? Nan got you that, didn't she?
Still, won't need it where you're going.
What is the going rate for handling stolen goods these days?
I wasn't handling them. I mean, not in that way.
I mean, I know it had my prints on.
So why can't you just tell 'em who's really in the frame?
Because you don't do that, Lola.
But Pops, this isn't fair.
No, I know it ain't.
And a book of second class stamps, please. Six.
Oh, no, make it twelve. Make it first class.
So what, you writing to Santa?
Just a few cards, you know.
Well, there's no Christmas wish list for me this year.
This Christmas everything is coming my way.
You heard Rose said, it's written in the stars.
My Mr Right is just about to walk through that door.
Here Hev, you missed a good night, Friday. Rose did a Tarot reading.
Yeah. One of us is going to find true love.
And you reckon it's you, do you?
No. I reckon Jean.
No, I don't think so.
Well, nothing like that ever happens to me.
Well, better keep my eyes peeled.
See if I can see any knights on white chargers.
-I'm so sorry.
-Oh. I'm so sorry.
Let me help you.
I'm sorry. So sorry.
There you go.
-You left this.
That's a stupid idea.
I'm going to invite Jack and his brother. Maybe you can invite Ian.
All right, get Ben to ask Ian.
Then there's Denise, Patrick. Who else you upset?
No, don't answer, silly question, let's just invite everyone
in the phone book shall we, that should just about cover it.
What else does this bloke know, eh?
-I've done a lot things.
-Just trust me.
-This could be the end of me. The end of us.
All that with Lola.
That's one of the reasons I'm doing this.
You don't still think...?
She just smelt trouble and chanced her arm.
She don't know anything. Whoever's behind this, it ain't her.
This what came earlier?
Found it on the floor.
"Hope you get everything you deserve.
It will be.
Once I bury whoever sent this.
-You sure about this?
-Yeah. It's Christmas, innit. It's traditional.
-Packing the house with tat?
-Cora, this ain't tat, babe. It's fun.
What is fun? What time is it?
All right, Tan. I was just going to come and get you.
CHRISTMAS JINGLE PLAYS >
One of the market boys had it all rigged up on his stall.
-All singing all dancing, he is. Check this out.
Go on, son!
SANTA SHORT CIRCUITS
-I didn't say nothing.
-Yeah, too right.
-I've been banged up all night.
-It weren't me that left your prints on the gear.
-You're the one that messed up.
-I could go down for this.
-Might do you some good.
-Teach you some manners.
Right, for once in my life I don't roll over when you say so and you don't like it?
-You ain't going to swing for this.
-No, neither are you.
-They'd throw the book at me, wouldn't they?
-Yeah, me an' all.
And I'm about to have a great-grandkid to look after.
You know the score.
Lola can't look after herself and a baby, she needs me.
And no, I didn't expect you to hold your hands up for it.
But I didn't expect you to leave me roasting neither!
Hang on a second. Hang on. I didn't quite catch that.
I'm just saying, it's just not like you, that's all.
-It's nothing I can't handle. Or are you saying something different?
Good. Now shut the door on your way out, cos there's a draught in here.
I don't think she was talking about me though. Do you?
I mean, that kind of thing, true romance.
It doesn't happen twice, not to people like me, anyway.
Course it does.
The bloke I was telling you about. The one I bumped into when I dropped my shopping.
-Should book the church then. I'll buy myself a new hat(!)
-He's coming over.
-That's what you said before.
In the Minute Mart.
When I dropped the stamps.
You said excuse me.
I was wondering if you served food?
Not for another hour yet.
I could probably rustle something up though.
If it's no trouble.
-Bit short notice, ain't it?
-You doing something else?
-What, apart from avoiding my new lodger?
-Shouldn't be a problem then?
-What's this in aid of?
Why's it have to be in aid of anything? It's Christmas.
Jingle bells, goodwill to all men an' all that.
And a way of saying sorry about the flat.
You don't seem to want to accept our hospitality. What's bothering you?
What, apart from you making it sound more like an execution than a knees-up, you mean? No, ta.
What was that all about?
Don't know and don't care. Phil Mitchell playing mine host.
That's like North Korea throwing a party for the South.
Let's not be too hasty.
As in shut up shop. Right now.
-What do you think Dad'll say?
-I'm doing this for your dad.
I'll need your help an' all.
No, I'm going to go R&R.
-I thought you were turning over a new leaf?
-You can start now.
Can't he even put up a bit of tinsel?
It does me good, keeps me occupied.
You need to rest.
Will you stop fussing?
I'm serious. You're going to need all your strength...
For heaven's sake!
Take it easy, will you?
Actually I've got a surprise for you.
Cora, give me a hand with this will you, please?
-Well, if I tell ya, it won't be a surprise, will it?
Jean, I reckon he's following you.
-He's met you in the Minute Mart and he's asked round.
You're getting me all in a tizz.
He ain't following her.
Well look at him, he's seriously hot.
-And Jean ain't?
-Course I'm not.
I can be warm sometimes.
-I reckon you're just jealous.
Yeah, just cos it's not written in the stars for you to meet someone like that.
Hey look, I don't need nothing written in no stars.
If I want a fella, I go and get the fella.
I did see him first.
OK. You try. And then I'll show you how it's done.
It's all going to kick off at six, I need you to help me do the grub.
Well, open a few bags of crisps anyway.
What's the matter, Hev? You away with the fairies?
You can bring George.
Or maybe you don't want to.
Maybe you don't want to be there at all, is that right?
I didn't say that.
Is this because of Phil?
Oh, come on Hev, you're my mate. my best mate.
-If you're thinking this, what's the rest of the Square going to think?
So this is all about making people like him again, is it?
I've got to get him back, Hev.
Back to what he was before all this happened.
You don't know him,
not really. I know he comes across as a 'ard nut and most of the time he is
but someone's playing him and it's messing with his head.
The old Phil, he would never go near a kid like Lola, let alone...
Anyway, that's my problem.
Which makes it my problem too. Course I'll be there.
Not sure the rest of the Square'll be too keen though.
I've thought of that.
Yeah, I told him what I thought. I reckon he got the message.
Oh yeah, really guilty conscience. Tormented he was.
You know he's throwing a party tonight, right?
Shirley was just over the caff inviting everyone.
-Yeah, it's nice that, innit?
While you're banged up in some stinking rotten cell, he's over there getting into party mode.
How was it?
Really good. All your own work?
With these fair hands.
-Oh, you'd be surprised what I can turn them to.
I do a sausage surprise to die for. Not here, at home.
You do catering at home?
Oh no, only for family. And friends. Good friends.
I like friends.
Especially the good friends. Not the bad ones, which is silly really,
because the bad friends wouldn't be friends at all, would they?
I'll just take...
-So, did he ask you out?
-You want us to close?
-Yeah. Only for one night.
-Hev, go and get some booze.
-What do I say to Phil when he comes for his rent?
I'll sort him out. And tell your punters if they want to get hammered to come to ours later.
We're having a party.
I see. So the only way to get anyone round your place is to close this.
You got rid of her then?
Gave her a score, told her to go and get a drink.
Then she took a tenner more.
Babe, I only wanted a bit of peace and quiet to sort this Santa out.
Mmm, stop her going on about my treatment.
-It's just her way.
-She's doing everyone's head in.
-You know what she's like.
Something's on her mind, she goes on and on about it, don't she?
Fuses, from the Minute Mart, might do the trick, mightn't they?
You're the opposite. Something's on your mind you don't say a word.
-It's you, isn't it?
The good-looking one.
I tell you what, he falls for that, give up on him anyway.
-Shut up, I'm writing it down.
-I really wasn't a footballer.
Yeah, and you're not from the Good Food Guide neither?
Actually, I rather enjoyed it.
You can do a lot better than that around here.
I dunno, maybe I should do my bit for the local economy and, um, show you.
The chef here seems quite good. I take it she is the chef, the lady who just served me?
Queen of the Microwave more like.
So like I was saying...
So, she's not the chef, she's just helping out?
Jean's her name, yeah?
Only I'm sure I heard the landlady calling her that earlier on.
Get your coat. I reckon you've pulled.
No she ain't, not tonight. Not in here anyway. Listen up. We're closing up.
I get chucked out of Tanya's, and now I'm turfed out the boozer.
-You've all been invited to a party across the road.
At Phil and Shirley's.
-The Mitchell's doing something for Christmas. About time.
-And that means all of you.
I still don't see the point in all this.
Hopefully you will.
When everyone starts singing, For He's A Jolly Good Fellow?
You're losing it.
-Who's doing all this aggro, Phil?
-I don't know.
It's got to be someone on the Square, and they're watching you.
Most of them are coming here tonight, what better way of finding out?
That's even more stupid than me trying to win a popularity contest.
We sit. We watch. And we listen.
And maybe whoever's doing this won't be able to resist planting or nicking something.
Yeah, and maybe whoever it is doesn't bother turning up at all.
Great(!) Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse.
-Oh, shut up and sort the drinks out.
-I've been to funerals that are more fun than this.
Yeah, well, if you carry on,
you'll be going to one sooner than you think.
I told you they wouldn't be able to resist, didn't I?
-You going out?
-Let's see how much he enjoys his party once I get there.
-I've had my say about all of that.
-Yeah, and he's totally ignored you.
So now it's time for me to have my say.
You've just come out of hospital, you're in no fit state to go spoiling for a row.
-We just let him get away with it, yeah?
-No. Just wait a minute. Lo. Just wait, wait.
Just sit down with me, eh? For five minutes, please?
-Now, you can help me decorate our tree.
-We ain't got a tree.
-If that's a present from Phil, you can give me the hammer.
It's from Father Christmas, innit.
Well, one of his little helpers anyway.
You mean a knock-off.
They were only going to chuck them out.
Come on, Lo.
Christmas is coming up.
I just thought this'd make the place look a bit nicer, you know.
I know it ain't exactly going to be a dream Christmas.
No it won't. Not with all this going on.
Right, let's make the most of it, yeah?
-Go on, pass me some tinsel.
Do you think your mum's right?
Do you think we should just take him back.
I dunno, he's growing on me.
He's ugly though, ain't he?
-Once you look at him.
-Yeah, so are you.
I bet all these bulbs are well past their sell-by.
There's bits of you don't work so good, you're lucky no-one's trying to take you back.
Blimey, look who's talking.
It's all right. You can do it you know.
Take the mick.
Yeah, I know. Cheers.
They say, don't they. This sort of thing's harder on the relatives.
Well, I ain't a relative. I'm your husband.
-Not any more.
-Well, I told you when I came back, I am.
I am in here anyway. You're still my wife.
For richer or poorer.
Sickness and in health.
That's what we said, innit? Remember?
You don't think, do you, at the time?
You make all those promises, don't expect to have to call them in.
Yeah, I've broken a few of those promises. I know I have.
But I ain't going to break this one,
I'm here and I ain't walking out on ya.
Tan, I know.
You can say it In fact, I think I'd prefer it.
Then I wouldn't feel like the only one who was being weak and pathetic.
Yeah, I'm scared too.
I can't believe I let you drag me along to this.
Free booze. We've got to show him he doesn't frighten us.
Whatever game he's playing, we've got to rise above it.
Yeah. And free booze.
Nice, ain't it.
-Yeah, that's one word for it.
-I can think of a few others.
-Bit of a surprise.
That's what I thought when I had the Old Bill knocking at my door.
-Way I heard it they were kicking the door in.
-You get a lot of inside information?
You trying to say something to me?
Just making conversation. Scotch Egg? Sausage roll?
Oh, don't mind if I do.
Go on, it won't choke you.
-Go and talk to him.
-What do I say?
You ain't got to say nothing.
It's obvious he's interested, he'll be doing all the running.
Oh, it's all right for you. you've got a bloke.
-And he worships the ground that you walk on.
-Come on, you dozy mare.
-All right? Enjoy the grub?
-Yeah, it was very nice.
-Going to compliment the chef?
So you are the actual chef then?
You know what they say, the way to a man's heart and all that.
I don't believe this, talk about a pair of shrinking violets.
-Do you fancy her?
It's obvious you do, so why don't you ask her out before she runs away and you completely run out of nerve.
I'm so, so sorry about this. I don't believe you sometimes.
-I think you've got the wrong end of the stick.
when it comes to this sort of thing, I'm a Mastermind on it.
I'm really not, um...
-Not, um, what?
-Interested. Well, not like that.
-Why all them questions then?
-Are you messing her about?
-Well, you was asking motormouth there about her.
A benefits fraud officer.
And you've been working while claiming benefit.
-I have not.
-Excuse me, I saw you with my own eyes.
And your employer's just confirmed it.
I can't stand a scrounger.
But I haven't been making any claim.
See, told you I'd get him working.
Can we do a deal?
I'll be honest with you, I want you to be honest with me.
I knew it, you do hate Santa.
Do you ever think this could be it?
-Our last Christmas together?
Yeah, I do.
Do you want out?
Cos it's OK, I meant what I said when you came back,
I'm not lumbering you with an invalid.
What if it was me who was ill?
Same question. Would you want out?
I don't know.
I don't know if I could...
That's my answer too.
I'm starting to enjoy this.
I reckon I've sussed what this is all about.
-Really? Good. Let's go home then.
-I'm right behind you.
This is some kind of St Valentine's Day Massacre.
-Get everyone you've ever had a ruck with under one roof.
-And machine gun 'em?
No. Well, one of us anyway.
The guilty party.
-The one with something to hide.
-Phil's been getting hate mail and he don't know who's been sending it.
Chuck a stone. You'll hit about fifty suspects.
So that's what this is all about? Try and smoke one out?
Yeah. It's like one of them Agatha Christie novels, ain't it?
Actually, I was thinking of someone else.
I can't believe you've done this to me.
I wasn't ripping you off. Not really.
I was just using your name.
We'll tell that to the judge! Don't bang her up, just put her name on the cell door!
-No-one's getting banged up.
-Did you see the look on that snout's face?
I wouldn't trust him.
You was pushing Jean into his arms five minutes ago.
Now look what you've done. Jean!
Right, let's cut to the chase.
I'm not apologising for it, Phil.
You've given enough people grief in the past and loved every minute of it.
So, seeing you get wound up, it's like all my Christmases have come at once.
But what happened with Lola, that's not right. She's just a kid.
So it's me who's been sending you all those letters. I'm the one who's responsible.
Nah, no, hold up. This has got nothing to do with him.
It was me.
No. No, Jack. Falling on your sword for your brother. Very noble,
but I'd never forgive myself. Phil, I'm Spartacus.
No, no, no, no, come on, I'm Spartacus.
No, Phil, don't listen to them. I'm Spartacus.
I saw a programme about him once.
He got crucified didn't he?
Look, they'll just get Nan to pay it back on the drip that's all.
It's my name on the benefits book.
She will not let you take the rap.
Then again this is Nan we're talking about, she might,
but we won't let her.
-Everyone thinks I'm a cheat.
-No, they don't.
-You heard Cora.
I'll explain it to them.
How can I carry on living here, Kat?
When everyone's going to think that of me?
Right, come on Jean. Come on.
-Get that down you.
Well I'm relieved. Well, wouldn't you be?
I thought it was going to be a straight fight back there, me and Jean.
Is that it?
Jean has just been totally humiliated
in front of her whole family. and her neighbours on the Square.
She's just found out she's going to be prosecuted for benefit fraud
and all you can say is, I'm relieved?
-Well, I am.
-You are so shallow sometimes.
Look, I ain't shallow, yeah. I've got depths, yeah.
Deep depths. Moby Dick couldn't get to the bottom of my depths.
He wouldn't want to!
Ah, somebody's sent me a present. Come to Mama.
-There's plenty of grub left.
-Yeah, course there is. Everyone's gone home, ain't they.
It was a nice idea, Shirl.
No, it wasn't, it was a bad one. A very bad one.
HEATHER CHOKING >
Phil. Phil, get Hev's inhaler out of her bag.
What a day I'm having.
Worst party ever, now my best mate's choking on a scotch egg!
Get it up.
What are "repossession proceedings"?
You shouldn't read other people's letters.
It means if Nanna Pat don't pay the loan company by Friday,
we're out on the streets.
-It's true, though, innit, Nan?
-I should've throttled her.
-That would've been one for the scrapbook.
Dunno why I let you stop me.
Because throttling guests, as a rule, doesn't make a party go with a swing.
-They say, "Look for someone with a motive." She definitely had a motive.
-All the people you've hacked off over the years, everybody had a motive.
But they didn't have these in their handbag.
Let me do this one more time...
Heather is a bear with a very little brain.
She was put on this earth to suffer.
She doesn't do revenge, she moans.
The idea that she'd have the nous to go to a printer's
and get all these fancy letters and labels,
when she could be at home sucking on a cheese sandwich,
watching Britain's Next Top Model, is ludicrous.
So according to you, there's some criminal mastermind
going round deliberately planting all this evidence - to do what, hmm? Make me paranoid?
Well, someone's definitely playing you. So far, they're doing a good job.
-Should've let me have a quiet word with her.
-Two minutes ago, you wanted to throttle her.
-Then we wouldn't be having this conversation.
-Last night you agreed she was set up -
what's changed since now and then?
-It's doing my head in - that's what's changed!
-Let me go and speak to her.
-She won't tell the truth!
-She might give us a clue to who's behind it.
Well, why didn't we do that last night, eh?
Because the chances are, whoever's doing this
was here last night and that's exactly what they wanted.
Just take a deep breath. Think of your blood pressure.
Phil, don't do anything. Let me go talk to Heather.
I'll sort it out.
A certain young lady was sick on my back seat last night.
Talking about you, young lady.
Yeah! It stinks in there, so if you could work your magic, Heather,
that'd be much appreciated.
-Yeah, all right, yeah.
Come on. This ain't the deal, is it?
Ain't going to get any toast if you don't eat any of this.
No? For Daddy? Should Daddy do it? Yeah?
Then you do it, yeah?
-Is that Heather?
Sorry. You all right?
Andrew! What you doing here?
-Don't worry - you're safe. I've just popped to see me mum. She in?
That's never your car, is it?
Oh. No, no, It's the bloke I clean for.
His daughter was sick in it last night.
I'll let you get on.
-Hold tight. Your mum showed me a picture of you.
-Who are you?
-What'd you say?
-Me Fat Boy, you Andrew, right?
-Is she in or what?
She's in, but she's on her way out. Those presents for me, then, yeah?
All right, cool. Well, Mrs B's in the living room so if you want to go through, that's cool.
I might see you la... Maybe not, OK.
Ah! Yo, Hev!
You are looking too good, too early, girl! Loving your work!
FAT BOY CHUCKLES
Wha'?! Check you, Little Miss Fabulous!
You are looking good, girl, looking...good.
Can I have a quiet word?
-'It's lovely to see you, but why didn't you telephone,'
let us know you was coming? Rose and me, we're off to Oxford Street to look at the lights.
-She's upstairs, then?
Yeah, I'll get her for you. Rose!
You'll never guess who's here...
SHIRLEY: If you know anything, Hev, it's best to get it out now. >
Cos you really don't want to have this conversation with Phil.
I haven't got a clue what you're talking about, Shirl! >
If you know anything, it's better to tell me now than later.
-I'm not admitting to nothing, cos I ain't done nothing.
-Who put them there - the envelope fairy?
-They were found in your bag!
-Is there a problem?
Well, well, well, look who it is - Humpty Dumpty.
-What you doing here?
-Do you really need to use that tone of voice?
-Andrew, leave it, please.
-No, good manners cost nothing.
YOU talk to me about manners?
You should be grateful it's me talking to you, and not Phil.
-What was all that about?
-We'll talk later, yeah?
She's got it wrong. I ain't done nothing.
I'm sure you ain't.
But I do need to talk to you about other stuff, as well.
What was she on about?
-Nothing, honestly. I'm fine.
-She mentioned Phil. Did he put her up to it?
No, just a misunderstanding, that's all. Please, Mr Branning.
-If they carry on hassling you, you let me know, yeah?
-Finishing off her breakfast.
Hold on! You left a three-year-old on her own with that thug?
You want to talk about thugs? Go and have a word with your cousin.
I've got plans.
Well, change 'em. Come to Oxford Street with us.
-That'd be all right, wouldn't it, Dot?
-Of course it would.
-I can be here when you get back.
-You used to love the lights when you were little.
Remember when I used to take you? Tell him, Dot.
-Tell he's gotta come.
-Be nice for your mother if you came, Andrew.
There's things I need to do and... people I need to see.
-Perhaps we could go and see the lights another day.
-It's up to you, Rose.
Sorry. Sorry, Ma. As I told you before, I'm busy, all right?
You ARE staying for Christmas?
I was just dropping 'em off.
Well, you needn't have bothered.
I'll let you have my keys.
So as you can...pop in and out.
It would be nice for your mother
if you could bring yourself to be here when she gets back.
-Thanks, Aunty Dot.
Here we go, then, Rose.
Carol! Kids! Come here a minute.
-Why? What is it?
-Not till the kids get here. Come on, kids, hurry up!
Sit down, sit down.
I just switched me phone on. And I've got a message. Listen to this.
RICKY: 'Hello, Pat, it's me.
'Change of plan. I'm on my way to the airport.
'Bit of luck, I'll be with you some time tomorrow.
'I'll tell you everything then. Love to everyone. I'll see ya then.'
Tomorrow? When was the message?
Oh. Just after 11 last night.
-Does this mean we're not going to lose the house?
that is exactly what it means.
-She's been set up.
-And who's the most likely person to have done that, eh?
-No, you just want to stir it because of Amy.
Listen, you didn't see Jack. You didn't see his face.
When you were out there having a go at Heather, he was on his doorstep, lapping it up.
-I should've stuck to me instincts.
-So what you going to do about it?
So, you going to get us another one, then?
I'm trying to save money.
-What's that for?
Saving money is for losers.
Lauren, my family is in big trouble at the moment, OK?
Yeah, trouble? You don't know the meaning of the word.
What's that mean?
Just forget it, yeah?
Actually, I'm not sure this is a good idea.
What's the problem?
-Can we go somewhere else?
I mean, it stinks of air freshener but it's better than... Well...
Nah, it's good as new that, Hev. Here, go on - take that on top.
Oh. No, honestly, Mr Branning...
-It's a nasty job. Go on, take it.
-Oh. Thanks very much.
-Leave that stuff. I'll take it in.
-Thanks, Mr Branning. See ya.
..what was all that with Shirley?
I dunno. You know, I ain't done nothing.
Oh. Hello again.
I was thinking about having a spot of lunch over the pub. We could, er, have that chat
and you could tell me what all that agg' was about.
I would, but, er, I've got other jobs to do
and I've got to take my little boy to the doctor's.
He was up half the night coughing.
Look, I know I upset you back in Southend...
I-it doesn't matter.
It does matter.
Cos I've thought about you an awful lot these last few months.
Been going over the things that I said and done.
Honestly, Andrew. It's...
I need to convince you, that is not the real Andrew.
It's all right, really.
Maybe we could, er...
We could see each other... some other time.
-How's she going these days?
-The motor. Behaving herself?
-What's that got to do with you?
-Just professional interest.
Yeah, well, the car's fine.
-I got something through the post this morning.
-Give it a rest, Phil.
N-O spells no.
The difference is, I've got a record - you ain't.
There are these things called ethics, Mo, though
I appreciate it's a term you're not familiar with.
If they do YOU, it's a caution at most.
Me? I could be looking at 18 months.
Which will give you plenty of time to consider your crimes and repent.
Alfie, speak to her?
Look, I know what people are saying about me out there, thanks to you.
Mo, I gotta respect Jean's principles, all right?
-You're talking about principles? What about the microwaves?
-Oi, gobby! D'you want to keep it down?!
Oi! Whoa, whoa! Can I smell garlic?
-You most certainly can!
-What's happened to the sausage surprise everyone's come to know and love?
It's a different recipe. Today's special is Surprise de Saucisse!
It's French. D'you want a taste?
Yeah, yeah, why not? Yeah, I'll have a little...
Have a little from the sides.
-Bit garlicky, isn't it?
-You don't like it, do you? Say if you don't.
No! I love it! Punters are going to love it. Really nice. Smashing, that.
Will you tell Minnie Mouse here to stop being such a self-righteous
-you-know-what and do the decent thing?
-Woah, calm down, all right?
Listen to me, Alfie has a plan.
The words "benefit" and "fraud" are banned.
(We'll go softly-softly, yeah? Let her come to you, all right.)
(OK? Go on, calm down.)
Push Jean too hard, she's going to dig her heels in.
You got to make it sound like it's come from her - like it's her decision.
-Can't we send 'em both to prison?
Nan for benefit fraud and Jean for food poisoning. What d'you reckon?
-I think we're done here, Alf.
-Oi, hold on. Where you going? Come on, moolah!
It's a grey, 5 Series, registration...
Well, I wouldn't be asking you if it was easy, would I?
Anyway, you owe me one.
He loves me. Apparently.
I don't get it.
Well, no-one really gets it. Not even sure I get it myself.
But it kind of works.
So you happy?
Here, you ever bump into any of the old gang? Like Aiden?
-Or Sam or that?
-I asked you if you was happy.
I want to talk about you.
So where is it you been again?
-Wherever that is.
So, who was it you didn't want to see in the cafe, then?
Up a bit. Up a bit more.
Up a bit. Bit more!
THE KIDS LAUGH
Right, I've been doing some sums.
Now, assuming that Ricky's bonus is what he thought it was going to be,
we're going to have enough to keep the loan company off our backs
and still have something for a half-decent Christmas.
I think that calls for a celebration, don't you?
-Carol, do us a favour, love?
Nip over to the shop and get a bottle of fizz for us
and pop for the kids.
I'll give Whitney a call as well, shall I?
-Yeah! We want everybody here! Don't we?
Who's the thug?
Dot Branning's nephew. Need I say more?
It's like sausage surprise, but with a twist.
-Yeah, the twist in your stomach after you've eaten it.
-It's Carol. What's she want?
She'll just be after you for something. Turn it off.
You ordering or what?
Yeah. Babe, I ain't got enough money.
It's no problem.
Just leave it to me, yeah?
We'll have two of them Sausage Surprises.
That's 8.60, darling.
-OK. Give us two seconds, yeah?
There you go. All right?
-Hey, babe, all right?
Yeah, come here. Listen, I'm not stopping. I'm looking for Jack. Have you seen him?
What do you want with Jack?
Listen, I can't say. But I got to go.
-See you in a minute.
Where's my birthday present?
It's been nearly a week now.
Listen, I know. I know, I know, I know,
and I promise it's going to be worth the wait. OK?
Yes, mate, all right, easy...
-What about her?
I know she's got a little boy.
Has the father shown his face lately?
Nah, mate. He left ages ago.
Is there any other boyfriend?
Listen, go for it, all right, bruv?
There you go.
Thank you! Mwah!
She's just made a right monkey of you there.
Oi, oi. See Whitney checking you out?
She had her chance.
-This is all right. Should've tried some.
-It stinks, I can smell the garlic from here.
I forgot - garlic and crucifixes don't go down too well with you lot, do they?
Why are you so cheerful all of a sudden?
-My compliments to the chef.
Hey, you hear that? Phil likes the grub.
No-one's going to want to kiss me for a week
I'm going to go and tell Jean.
Is this something to do with Heather?
Nothing to do with Heather.
So what is it then? Cos you're definitely up to something.
Excuse me for butting in.
Do I know you?
No, but I know your girlfriend.
And her manners leave a lot to be desired.
Put her on a leash, yeah?
-Phil Mitchell said that?
-Yeah! Don't believe me, go and ask him yourself.
Alfie, talk to her, will you? Nothing I say gets through.
Mo, listen - for the very last time, OK? Alfie has a plan.
Softly-softly, all right?
And there's herbs in it, too.
-Can you taste the herbs?
-Whatever it is, it's nice.
You like it, then?
Yes, Jean, I like it.
It's not too garlicky?
I need all the garlic I can get right now.
CAN you taste the herbs?
I've just said, didn't I?
You don't really like it, do you?
For God's sake. Here we go...
-Here you are...
-Oh, no, no! I wasn't fishing!
Hasn't she had enough free hand-outs?
Thanks, Shirley(!) Yeah, thanks a bunch(!)
-Right, who's going to get the next round in, then?
I think it's Tyler's turn. Two spritzers, please, Tyler.
I've had enough, so...
All right. In that case, I'll just have a large V&T.
Get your own V&T. Mine's a pint while you're at it.
-I can see what you're trying to do.
OK, in that case, Anthony...
Stay there, Anthony.
She can get her own drink and she can get two for us while she's at it.
Well, well. Congratulations.
I said to myself, "Whoever says no first wins first prize."
And you win.
-"Alfie's got a plan", eh?
Well, softly-softly's getting us nowhere-nowhere. Leave it to me.
-Whoa! What are you going to do?
-Just go, yeah?
-Whatever you're about to say won't make the slightest difference.
I've made my position perfectly clear...
No-one ever texts me!
It's from Stacey! Stacey's sent me a text!
Shh! Keep your voice down.
What's she saying?
That she loves me.
Oh, isn't that lovely of her?
What should I text back?
That you love her, too.
And that Nan's going to spend Christmas in prison...
Listen, Jean, you know that we've all got previous,
so we can't take the rap for this.
And believe me, we would if we could.
The worst that can happen to you is a slap on the wrist
and to pay all the money back.
Stacey would be really, really proud of you.
'You are joking me?'
No. I can't even go back - I'm on a list.
Oh, sorry, but I think it's hysterical.
Thing is, everyone's counting on me.
-Pat, the family, everybody.
Thing was, I was due this massive end-of-contract bonus,
but now that's all gone.
I even had to pay me own air fare back. I'm brassic.
Ooh. What's Bianca going to say?
Like I ain't thought about that?
What am I going to tell the kids when they find there's not even money for Christmas presents?
Tell you what, might've been easier if they'd locked me up
and thrown away the key. Least I wouldn't have to face them.
Oh, no! I'm pleased to see you at the very least.
Here, I've been shopping.
Got you an early Christmas present.
-I better go and face the music.
KEY RATTLES IN DOOR
-Oh, you did stay after all.
Yeah, stupid to come all this way and not spend time with my mum.
You're only saying that cos you feel guilty.
How was Oxford Street?
Oh, all adverts. Nothing to do with Christmas at all.
Hark at old Ebenezer.
Jesus was born in a stable, Rose, not a toy shop.
Let's not fight, please. Come on. We're family. And it's Christmas.
Oh, as if you care.
Actually, I've changed my mind. I'm going to stick around for a while.
If that's all right with you.
So what's brought this on?
I love me Mum and I want to be with her
and my new Auntie Dot at Christmas.
I mean, what's wrong with that?
Happy Christmas, Mum.
It's Dad! Everyone! Dad's here!
Quick, quick in the kitchen.
MUSIC: "Welcome Home" by Peters And Lee
-You got the fizz?
-Yeah. Where's Whit?
-I've left messages on her answer phone. She's not answering.
Shhh, shhh, shhh.
-Hey! He's coming.
# Welcome home
# Come on in... #
Shush, shush, shush, shush!
What is it, Ricky?
We are going to lose the house, aren't we?
-Jack! Where you been, man?
-My car's gone.
I know, I've been looking for you. I tried to tell you.
-Some geezer came along and towed it away.
-I don't know. Couldn't see him.
-Could it have been Phil?
-Answer my question. Could it have been Phil?
-Doubt it. He's in the pub.
Oh, is he now?
Oi. Oi... Oi, you pair, d'you want a bucket a water over you?
What's the matter? Calm down, will you? Or get a room, please!
-Want to go back to my place?
-Yeah. Why not?
How much have you had, babe?
Why? You jealous?
You can't do this.
My mum's got cancer. I can do what I want.
What you done with it?
-Done with what?
I've only been gone an hour and now it's gone. Someone's nicked it.
I think that someone's you.
-Well, I've been here all lunchtime. Shirl'll tell you.
It's him or one of his monkeys.
-How long have I been here?
I dunno. What, about, 12-ish?
Where's my apology?
I'm calling the police.
This ain't over.
Yeah, I'll be with you in a sec. Hold on, darling.
Right, so you know what you're going to say, yeah?
Why can't I say I'm doing it for Stacey?
Because it'll make him happy. Please?
In the spirit of Christmas, Alfie,
I have decided to sacrifice my integrity
for the sake of this family and...
hand myself in.
I love you, Jean.
No, not tomorrow, today.
You just tell 'em it's ex-detective inspector Branning calling, yeah?
-You're not going to like this, man.
Let me show you, all right? Come, come.
What's so funny? What've you done?
So I was sitting at my desk, yeah?
And then I heard this big, massive crash.
So then I came out to have a look and then there it was.
And then I saw some big truck driving off as well.
Did you get a number plate?
No, no. Couldn't see it, it was all muddy and that. Like it was deliberate.
I'm going to kill him.
Kill who? Jack...
What, do you think you're funny?
Now, you stay away from me, and you stay away from my family.
Cos next time it won't just be the car that goes in the crusher.
Do you understand?
Yeah, of course I understand.
You think I'd have asked if I wasn't desperate?
Well, you keep your hands off them young barmen, Peggy.
Sorry love, I got to go, bye.
Just phoning Peggy to get her secret Victoria sponge recipe.
You're baking a cake?
I can't sit here twiddling me thumbs, can I?
I've tried everyone, Pat.
I've really screwed up, ain't I?
You went to the middle of the desert to provide for your family.
The last thing you are is a failure.
There's people there that have paid off mortgages, student loans.
I've come back worse off!
I'd better go and tell Bianca.
Um, thing is - she doesn't...
She doesn't know about us losing this place.
I thought we could sort it out before she had to.
Come tomorrow, she may be the only one with a roof over her head.
That ain't going to happen. All right? I'm going to get a job.
Can't wait to see Amy later,
even if I am going to have a social worker breathing down my neck.
But I got her those dinosaur things she likes for lunch.
In a bit?
All right, Jack?
Whoa! Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack.
-And let him get away with it?
-What did I teach you?
Take your time and do it properly. Eh?
He ain't going nowhere.
I really, really, really want to zig-a-zig-ah.
Do you know, I am the same age as Baby Spice?
You know what? She was always my favourite.
They don't call her Baby Spice now, though, do they?
I always preferred Sporty myself.
All right, Jane?
We're going to take Bobby to the dentist. If you want to come along?
No, no, you go. Mum, dad, dentist.
That's like a normal family, ain't it?
No, no, no, you come along,
and then we'll come back for some "continental breakfast", yeah?
Well, I'm going out.
I'll come with you.
I don't know where I'm going yet, hun.
-Anyway, I better go sort this out, eh?
-Nice to see you, Jane.
I'm sure these breakfasts are getting smaller.
They'll probably blame it on the recession.
Skinny sausages and shrunk bacon.
I'm having another one.
Before they start serving it in a thimble. Can I get you one, Billy?
No, I better not.
Oh, I see.
I thought Phil Mitchell was your cousin, not your dad.
But if he's told you to...
Hey, hey, wait...
Phil don't tell me what to do.
Go on, I'll have another one. Cheers.
My brother thinks I should let it go, you playing demolition man.
I had a word with a few of my old workmates an' all.
We agreed, there's no point, cos there's no evidence.
-Least you learnt something from the job.
-They're always on the other end of the phone.
Know what us police are like, once you're in, you're never out.
Not even when they're as bent as you?
It's weird, the lengths they'll go to to protect their own.
You're still claiming it weren't you that set up them raids, eh?
Sounding paranoid there, Phil. See someone about that.
You'll never beat me. No-one will.
You really hate it when you can't control things, don't you?
How was I supposed to know he'd got PE?
And typical Ian, I'm the one that gets sent back to pick up the kit.
Er, there we go.
Shorts and a T-shirt.
He really likes you, y'know.
-Said you taught him the words to an N-Dubz song.
Y'know, we're in the same boat, you and me.
New relationships with men with, erm...
Baggage. Ex-wives, stepkids, some other woman's wallpaper.
Just don't see me as an obstacle.
I think it took me getting with Mas to realise that,
for the last few years...
me and Ian never made each other truly happy. But you do.
And that's an amazing thing!
You're already part of the family.
I'm Beale past, and you're Beale future.
Right, well you'd better get Bobcat his trainers
before they make him play hockey barefoot.
Hi. Come in, come in.
Oh, you're early. Social worker's not even here yet.
I told the social worker I'm sick.
Amy's with a mate from playgroup.
So you lied to them and now I don't get to see my little girl?
And I'm supposed to just deal with that, am I?
-Why are you doing this to me?
-She's better off not seeing you, ain't she?
I'm her mother, OK. That is disgusting!
Yeah? And Phil Mitchell is your cousin.
Yeah? When he replaces my car, then you can see Amy.
Oi, hold on a minute.
Jack, you can't punish Amy for something Phil's done!
You tell him my daughter's one more thing he can't control.
Two teas, please, Marie.
So what's this amazing birthday present Whit's waited so long for?
Oh, bruvver, there's been so much hype, man, I can't crash and burn.
-It's got to be special.
-Like you. You're very special.
Ha ha(!) Nah nah, it's got to be unique. It's got to be...
Right. Check this out.
What? Plan B, yeah?
Yeah. Just don't go too extra, bruv.
Told you I had an husband.
How was Dubai then?
Been working ain't you? In Dubai?
Look at your tan!
Check out his tan. Look! Looks like Peter Andre!
If I wasn't in this goldfish bowl,
I'd jump over there and give you a right old snog!
You are my husband. You look well fit.
She works in the salon, except she's useless.
I mean, would you really let someone with a barnet like that loose on yours?
Hope you ain't been perving over them belly-dancing girls, have you?
So have you seen the kids?
Listen, I've got something to tell you...
I got arrested.
No! You, arrested?! For what?!
I went to a public beach when it was closed.
And they nicked you for that?!
-They'd have to build another four floors on this place.
What, like flashing? Your bits?
-I went swimming.
What, did you wee in the water?
I was naked, all right?
Skinny dipping? You, who won't take your jeans off on the beach?!
-That's not all...
-Life in the old dog yet, eh, Ricky?!
-You wasn't with another girl? You said, "That's not all..."
-I got sacked...
then fined, and then deported.
They took all the cash I'd saved. I just managed to get enough for the air fare home.
It's all gone.
Can no-one have a private conversation in here?
It's not just that.
The bailiffs are coming tomorrow,
they're probably going to kick Pat out the house.
She got in a right mess over these loans, she was relying on the Dubai cash to help her out a bit.
Five months my kids have been without a dad. And for what?!
-You're useless! You're a big, useless...
-Do you know how long they've been without a mum?
Do you know what damage you've caused them kids?
I love my kids! It was being a good mum that's landed me in here.
No, it's being a hot-headed nutter that's got you in here!
I just hope they get over it.
Them kids you love are about to lose their house,
while you're banging on about barnets and Peter Andre.
I never knew.
Because you don't listen!
Your temper, your mouth.
-That's why I went to Dubai in the first place,
because you screwed up.
-You just do what you want, just like you always do.
-And why's that?
Cos it's like being married to a dishcloth sometimes!
"What shall we get Morgan for his birthday? When's dinner?"
Who's going to deal with the scumbag that slept with my mum and kid, eh?!
I'm loud, stubborn and angry cos I've had to be!
This girl in Dubai...
the one I went swimming with...
-But you just said...
-No, nothing happened. But, y'know, it could've.
And you know how that made me feel?
Just like the old Ricky Butcher.
Before housing benefits, before chicken nuggets,
before prison waiting rooms.
When do you ever tell me you love me?
-All the time!
-Only when your back's up against the wall.
Do you think normal people walk about saying, "I adore you," all the time?
Me and Sam did.
Are you trying to hurt me, Ricky?
I ain't saying I blame you for this mess we've got in. It's both of us.
I don't know what to do.
Or if it's worth trying.
I hate you, do you know that?
I hate you! Get him out of here! And do you know what?
The old Ricky Butcher is just as much of a muppet as the new one!
Get him out!
And I want a divorce!
What's your favourite?
Now that I keep somewhere special.
Is it from Granddad Frank?
Dad misses him as well, don't he?
Yeah, I expect he does.
Do you think he would've come to my concert if he weren't dead?
Oh, I think he'd have clapped louder than anybody else,
and then he'd have cried like a baby.
He sounds crazy.
Well, he'd have to be to buy me these.
Nine pence off a bucket and spade stall in Clacton.
Blimey. You only have to look at a bit of old costume jewellery,
and you go back 50-odd years, live the moment all over again.
Do me a favour, do you think you can fix this?
I've tried to wash it, and I've spilt red wine on it.
It's one of Amy's favourites.
-Oh, you come to do your washing?
Hey, I was just thinking about you.
-You're not going to believe what Jack's doing.
You're going back to Southend, so why would you want to do your washing?
You've come to say goodbye, then?
You seem quite keen to get me back there.
It's where you live, innit?
Well, I never thought I'd have potato dinosaurs in my shopping basket.
Morgan bites bits out and pretends he's discovered a new species.
Wow. Kids are amazing, aren't they?
You being sarcastic?
I'd stick to the blackcurrant if I were you.
You don't want Bobby going to school with a hangover, do you?
Or is it a romantic night in with you, Ian and that naughty nightie?
Oh, is that why they sent you back from Dubai?
Crimes to comedy?
So...why did you come back then?
After all that time?
-You look exactly the same.
-So do you.
Well, if I kinda close one eye, squint a bit,
and imagine a greasy ponytail.
So, what you doing now?
I am catching up with an old friend.
I was, er, just getting my tools out the van.
I didn't want you to go back to Southend without...
wouldn't want to leave expensive tools in the back of the van,
not if it's going to be parked up for a while.
I'm staying around.
I must be a really good kisser.
Actually, I'd already decided.
But...no complaints from this corner.
I felt 'em!
You can take the boy out of Walford, eh...?
But he'll keep coming back.
So, why Ian Beale then?
Why are you with Bianca?
What about when you have to, y'know?
-I mean, do you...
Some people need more than sex to have a good relationship.
What, you?! Yeah, right!
I'm surprised I got out alive last time.
That was years ago.
Can we talk about something else please?
But you didn't answer my question about Ian Beale.
OK, well, I like knowing if it's going to end,
it's going to be me that ends it.
I've never had that before.
You was always the one who started stuff.
Do you remember when you talked me into getting off my face,
then you just sat there and laughed at me for ages at the state I was in?
I never forced you!
Listen, you were always the one who started it.
Wait there! Don't drink no more.
I've got plans for you, Butcher.
Come on, take 'em off.
Oh. But I like listening to all your stories about your jewels.
Well, that's all they are, stories.
This is just a...load of old tin.
Hardly fill the fridge with what this lot's worth.
Thought you said they were special?
Tiffany, promise me something... don't get soft when you get old.
You're not old! You still wear lipstick and get drunk.
-Tiffany Butcher! You...!
Listen, how do you fancy going to Clacton tomorrow? All the family?
-And get the day off school?
-Get out of this place and make some new memories!
Lauren, just ring me back or text me, even.
And just let me know you're OK.
Please, cos I'm getting really worried now.
Hey, just the lady!
All right, that'll do. Great, lovely jubbly.
Right, come on, you, come on, got to get up. Come with me.
-Put the phone away.
-Put the phone away.
Right, now, close your eyes.
Right, let's do this!
OK, all right. Watch out. There's a little tree to your right there.
Yeah, that's it. Watch it, all right!
All right, all right, little curb, little curb, little curb.
All right, and turn. And ready...
One, two three...ta-da!
What is it?
Wh...?! You know, bonnet, engine, zim-zimmer, baby!
I've got the keys to your zimmer, all right? It's a car!
It's a car, from me to you, for your birthday! It's a car!
See? Don't let no-one say your man doesn't treat you like a queen, right, sweetheart?
-Fats, you know I don't drive.
-I'll teach you, OK?
We'll go down to Brighton or something, tunes blaring...
Oh, and yeah, Mikey done that off the stall.
-You big softy.
-What can I say bruv? Whit, she's my girl.
-She's my lady. She's mine, all mine.
-No, I ain't your girl!
Did I miss something here?
I've got some news. Can I come in?
-No, I don't want to hear it.
-Trust me, you do.
I'm not in the mood, all right? Just tell me here.
OK. I just spoke to Ronnie and she's filed for divorce.
That's my punishment for cancelling Amy's contact?
-Come on, as if she'd do that.
-You lying about it, I meant.
I'm sorry but you'll get your solicitor's letter tomorrow.
Now, can I come in, please?
All right. So, what did she say? Exactly. Roxy!
Jack, I know what'll take your mind off this divorce. What if we...?
You and me, we could go and get Amy
and take her to see Santa, yeah? Or just feed the ducks.
You know she loves that.
Jack. I do know how you're feeling and I can help you,
there's no need for all this...
Just go. Just go, will you?
-You all right?
-I was just about to go.
Yeah, yeah. Course you were!
Very nice, by the way.
Look, I know Bianca does my nut in but...
Oh, no, no. Ricky, relax.
It's not your body I'm after, it's your youth.
Are you mad?
Well, you already know the answer to that one! Come on.
-Red let me in.
-Shouldn't have bothered.
Your fella breaks his backside to get you a present
most girls would wet themselves over.
What do you do?
Fling a massive strop.
You know nothing about nothing.
I'll tell you what I do know.
Some girls don't deserve to be treated nice.
You've got no right coming round here
and talking to me like that!
-You've no right to mug my mate off.
-He wants to own me! I don't want that.
He just bought you a car.
Yeah, and he put a label on it so now everyone thinks I belong to him.
I don't belong to anyone. Why don't you just get out?
You carry on.
Carry on blaming every decent bloke for what that toe-rag did to you.
Yeah, cos you know what's going on in my head, do you?
Course you do.
What was it you said to me before? That I needed therapy?
You thought you'd come round, save me a few quid and do it yourself?
All I'm saying is not every bloke is on some mission to screw you up.
-I know Fatboy would never hurt me.
-Then, stop acting like a victim.
Or let some other girl have him cos they will, you know.
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
Still wish you were in Dubai?
You know what? No matter what happens -
wives, husbands, chippies and prisons,
they'll never take these times away from us! Never.
I can't breathe!
Phil, I want you to tell Jack you'll stop all this nonsense, OK?
Phil, the divorce is making him worse.
I was going to offer you a pint. Billy's having one.
-Billy ain't got the sense he was born with.
-I think you might be right there.
There's not many blokes'd take the rap when their cousin fits them up.
We're sorting out some family stuff here.
Big on family, ain't you, Phil, eh?
-Loyalty. United we stand.
Phil, please, ignore him, OK? I'm trying to talk to you here.
Big man behaviour that, fitting up your own cousin.
Proper top boy stuff.
Do you ever keep your mouth shut, eh?
Very, very weak.
He didn't exactly fit me up, Del.
I thought you and I could share some common ground, similar values.
Phil Mitchell ain't the man I thought he was.
And why would I care what you think, eh?
And don't smile at me.
You didn't tell me this was going to be a party.
I had hoped that you two could shake hands,
but what I've learnt about Mr Mitchell's integrity, Jack,
I think we should just go.
Now that my ties with that family are finally cut,
I think you're right.
Hello, hi. Amy...?
See, you and him? That'd be a fair fight.
But it ain't just him any more.
You take on my brother, you take on me.
You enjoy yourself.
Cos that's the last laugh you're going to have for a very long time.
Maybe if a girl's ex tried to pimp her out,
it might make her freak if she thinks the next one's trying to buy her.
Hold tight, bruv, hold tight. What you on about?
Are you trying to say, like, I'm one of those nasty guys?
You trying to say I'm like that guy...?
-I thought I was having a heart attack.
-But you didn't mention anything about...?
-Oh, yeah. She said it was quite common,
you know, for middle-aged men popping pills in allotment sheds!
I'll know what to do next time.
Breathe in and out a paper bag, yeah?
No, it's drugs advice information.
Though we normally hand them out to patients quite a lot younger than you.
Oh, come on, Mandy, pick up.
Bobby wants you to help him with his homework -
history of the Christmas pudding.
-Can't it wait?
-More important stuff to do?
Not jealous, are you, Jane?
I'm very happy you've found love, Ian.
And I'm happy you've found Masood. It's obvious we've both moved on.
If we're so happy, why don't we go for a drink? Tomorrow.
Even better. Let's have a meal. The four of us.
I'll cook. You can come over.
This is the best present ever.
..in my head, this mad stuff takes over.
It's like I forget what's normal.
I mean, I understand.
It's all forgotten, babe, OK?
Right! You know what this means, don't you?
It means that Fats is rolling shotgun, OK?
There you go, sweetheart.
Right. OK, let's do this!
Lovely jubbly. All right, that was great.
Mate, no. Not that one yet. You don't...
You're not a muppet.
You're my Ricky. I love you.
Oh, come on, at least we had a laugh.
A laugh? You nearly killed me!
Some stuck-up nurse thinking I'm Britain's oldest raver.
-Ain't I just?
Stupid Ricky Butcher, what a fool.
I'm just a laughing stock, ain't I? Just a joke.
How did it end up like this?
You ain't a joke, Ricky. Not to me.
Can we go on the rides? Can we?
Yeah. Course you can. Suppose you want some money, don't ya?
-There you go.
-You're very quiet.
You still thinking about your row with Bianca?
-Forget it. Forget about the lot of it.
That's why we're here, ain't it?
It'll take more than a day in Clacton to make me forget the bailiffs knocking on the door.
# It's the right time
# It's the bright time to rock the night away... #
It's a black ladies' two-piece business suit.
There can't be many of them back there!
# ..A swell time to go riding in a one-horse sleigh... #
Don't I pay you to clean,
and not show off your varicose veins?
My cleaning shift has finished
and I am not due at the surgery till 12 o'clock.
-Not that it's going to be much fun now Dr Khan is leaving.
-Is this it?
Oh, yes, at last. It took you a whole five minutes.
It'll take a lot longer next time
if you don't keep a civil tongue in your head. That'll be £7.50.
And it went like this, then like that.
Oh, Dot, I've remembered the whole routine.
The only thing you'll get me doing at Christmas is the hokey cokey,
and I have difficulty remembering whether it's in, out or shake it all about.
Ta. Did you go and see 'em off?
Well, Pat and Ricky and everyone. They've gone for the day to Clacton.
Getting your knees brown, eating winkles with a pin.
No, I didn't know that they'd gone.
I thought with you being one of the family and everything...
Mind you, Whitney ain't gone, on account of her college work.
Thank you very much for reminding me, once again,
that I'm not part of that family.
Bit late for your Christmas card list.
I'm just trying to work things out, be practical.
"Carol - Jack's"?
I thought you could move in with him when I lose the house.
For starters, I'm not moving in with him. Give me that.
We came away to take our mind off things, remember?
Another couple of years, they'll realise there's not much to laugh about.
Remember them days?
When you didn't have a care, life was just a blank piece of paper...
It all started for me here, you know.
Mm. Holiday camp. Miss Butlins 1958.
It's where I first met Frank.
Every time I come here, it brings it all back.
It always smells the same, sounds the same,
even if it don't look the same.
I only have to close my eyes
and I'm...16 again.
Wiggling along the prom,
thinking I'm the bee's knees!
And the boys all wolf whistling at me two-piece!
So that's why we're here? So you can get nostalgic.
No. No, we're here to forget, like I said.
But sometimes forgetting one thing,
you end up remembering a load of other stuff.
They're not in.
They're all on a fun-filled trip to Clacton.
Oh, right. Ricky gone as well, then, has he?
Oh yeah, yeah, the whole clan. Apparently.
SHE SPEAKS IN HINDI
You'll never believe what she said.
-Are you doing this on purpose?
You know I have to finish this surgery work for my replacement.
-Give me the phone.
-This is important.
I don't know why I agreed to it.
The last thing I want to do is be nice to Mandy across a table.
-Should I just tell Ian we can't come?
-If you want.
Sorry. Here's me rattling on about some stupid dinner party
when you're worried about Kamil.
I'll always be worried about Kamil.
But not today.
I'll fight. I'll make Zainab change her mind.
-But not today. Today is about this.
-What's that for?
Oh, it's a surprise. For you.
-I love surprises!
-Well, that s good to know.
So long as they're a good surprise. Ian was one for surprises.
But they often turned out to be, well...not good.
Oh, well, this one is good. We're going on a picnic.
-Oh, it's the perfect month for it!
-And what will you get if you get cold?
-A chesty cough?
-No. A cuddle.
-Brrrr! I've just come over all chilly.
-Can we play on the beach?
-Yeah, come on, then.
-Liam, come on.
-I'll play with them. Not you.
-He's the reason we're being chucked out onto the streets!
No, he ain't. I think you'll find that's me.
He was supposed to come back with money, but he never. Cos he's useless!
Right, come on, then.
I'll race you to the beach!
Come on, then.
He's just being mouthy. Just being a kid.
-Ricky knows that.
-It's not taking your mind off it, is it?
Bianca will be out soon, she'll sort out Ricky and the kids.
-You shouldn't have to worry about them.
-Neither should you.
-It's what I do. I'll go to my grave worrying about someone or other.
-What do I do?
Sit around counting earrings?
D'you know, it's at times like this
I could do with a man around to lean on.
I know that's not the right-on thing to say.
Because we're strong, independent women.
We don't need men.
Well, I'm sorry, sometimes I do.
I'd give anything to have Frank or Roy around right now.
Listen to me! It's this place!
Everywhere I look I see ghosts.
I should have put more vinegar on these chips!
I wonder what culinary hell we'll be put through tonight.
-I thought Ian was a good cook.
-Oh, the food will be delicious.
It's the smug sauce he'll be serving with it that'll turn your stomach.
Sorry. I keep talking about Ian, don't I?
You know, when they rescue people who've been held captive,
they get them to talk about their kidnappers. It helps.
I don't feel so bad now!
We're bound to talk about our exes.
I know you don't want to talk about it today,
but Zainab can't take Kamil out of the country
-without you agreeing, surely?
-I still don't think they'll go.
But if they do, I'll have to follow. You know that, don't you?
I mean, clearly I'm not going to give up.
-Yeah, I know.
I just wanted to do something nice for you and I just made you sad.
You make me so happy, you do.
It's just...now I've got you, I don't want to let you go.
Come on, Morgan!
Sea air. Meant to be good for you.
Mind you, I'd rather have the air in a pub right now.
Oh, Liam, give him a bit of slack.
He's blaming himself enough as it is.
-Why can't we be a normal family, eh?
-Normal? Where's the fun in that?
Why don't you go down there and join in?
-Don't want to.
-Fair enough, you're the one missing out.
Here, kids, you going to go in the sea?
You'll go for a paddle, won't you, Tiff?
If they get a cold before Christmas, it's your fault.
Oh, come on, don't you tell me you've never kicked your shoes off
and splashed about with some boy. I know I have!
I'd give anything to be down there, feeling the sand between my toes.
Go on, what's stopping you?
They don't want an old bird spoiling their fun.
Age sneaks up on you, you know.
But I tell you something - in here, you're always a kid.
Come on, Liam, let's get some ice creams.
You two still on for tonight?
Looking forward to it!
-Yusef, no! Yusef, please!
-Yes. I want him to hear the good news from us.
Just so you know, we've managed to speed things up
-and we're leaving for Pakistan in a couple of weeks.
Come on, we've got an appointment.
How can you do this, Zainab? Taking Kamil to another country?
This is a private matter. Nothing to do with you.
-Don't speak to her like that!
-It's got everything to do with me!
I can see how much it's hurting Masood, when he's done nothing.
Nothing? And I suppose you've done nothing as well?
-It started with you two sneaking off together.
-Change the record!
We were friends, that's all. But you can't understand that -
you don't have any friends!
-I've got plenty, thank you!
-Really? Where are they?
Where are they? You lock yourself away for days,
-and when you do step out of the house, you're in his shadow!
I'm not going to let you take my son.
-Masood has rights. Kamil has rights!
-What about Bobby?
-Didn't stop you abandoning him!
-I never! He's always been to see me.
-Jane, let's go.
Children need their parents! Mother and father.
Kamil has got Yusef, then!
He has me!
People are watching. Come on, Zainab.
-Masood, take Jane away.
-You don't tell me what to do.
I do when it concerns my wife. Come on, Zainab.
You're ruining lives!
You'd know all about that, Jane!
-What do you think you're doing?
-Telling her she's in the wrong!
-I'm standing up for you!
-You're making matters worse!
Waves come in. Waves go out.
Be nice if they washed our troubles away as easy, wouldn't it?
Don't worry about Bianca.
Her being in prison, there's bound to be the odd fight.
But it don't mean anything. We all know she's mad about you.
Just like you're mad about her.
I'd give anything to pay that debt off for you.
Oh, that would only keep them at bay for a little while, darling.
But it's all right, I've had an idea.
I know what I've got to do.
You're a good boy, Ricky.
And you're a good mum.
Well, if you can't help your kids...
I don't mean just David and Simon.
You've been a good mum to me too.
And, you know, I know I don't say it often enough, but...thanks.
Come on. Let's get back to reality.
I'm so sorry I lost it.
I just hate the way Zainab's controlling your life!
Oh, the last thing I need right now is to spend the evening
with Ian and his trophy girlfriend!
I'm not going to let that man ruin my life any more.
I'm going to phone my solicitor this afternoon.
I'll fight for my son. MY son.
But tonight, one of our exes is holding out the hand of friendship,
and I think we should take it.
We should eat his food and laugh at his jokes.
They're never funny.
We can hold hands under the table.
That sounds nice.
-My wife does not scream in the street!
-You're blaming me?!
-She attacked me!
-My wife is dignified! She walks away!
-I'm just meant to ignore that?
-Yes! I told you to stop!
I told you, and you carried on in front of that man!
Well, I'm sorry, but if someone is going to attack me,
-I can't just turn my back on them.
-Yes, you can!
Well, you shouldn't have broken the news to Masood like that.
You're blaming me?
No, I'm... I am just saying that Masood was bound to be upset.
-He loves Kamil.
-That man is going to be breathing down our necks forever.
What do you expect? Because we're taking him away from him.
He doesn't want ME back. He wants Kamil.
-Then give the boy to him!
-If that's what it takes for us to be free of Masood,
it's a small price to pay! Offload the boy and then we can be free.
He'll only ever be an outcast to me anyway.
Oh, Yusef, I'm so sorry! Yusef, I'm really, really sorry!
You made me do this. You made me hit you!
Is that what you want? Is that what you're used to?
If you raise your hand to me again, Zainab,
-I will take Kamil and I will get rid of him myself!
And Tamwar too.
If you bring him into this, I won't be responsible for my actions.
-You understand me?
-Yes! Yes, I'm sorry!
-Do you understand me?
Yusef, Yusef, please, no! Yusef!
Why couldn't we have stayed in Clacton for ever?
Cos this is where we live.
Will all our stuff be chucked outside?
-That's what I heard you say to Nana Pat.
When we get back, the men will have been and all our stuff will be dumped outside.
No, love, it won't be like that.
I don't mind. We've been homeless before,
but Dad wasn't with us then, so it'll be better this time.
Yeah, cos he does a great job of looking after us, don't he(?)
-What? Another great Christmas this is going to be(!)
Go on, love, you go ahead.
I've got somebody I need to see.
-I am entitled to a private life, aren't I?
Go on. They'll want their teas.
There, you see, that was a funny joke.
You know what? Jane never used to find my jokes funny.
Oh, I found the more I drank, the funnier they became.
Top me up, please.
You know, this is gorgeous, Ian, it really is.
One of the great things about Ian, Mandy, is you'll never have to cook,
which for me was massive - you know, cooking all day in the cafe.
Yeah. My mum's cafe, the one you sold to Phil.
It's all water under the bridge now, Ian.
I mean, come on, look at us, sat around the same table.
-Yeah. Yeah, I mean it's really good, especially for Bobby.
Absolutely. And you two are happy.
Engaged and everything.
And me and Masood, well...
-We're just enjoying really getting to know each other, aren't we?
It's all worked out for the best, hasn't it?
You've got the sensitive man you can talk to
and I've got the girl of my dreams.
D'you know, I think we must have had a really bad reception,
cos I could swear when we spoke on the phone
that you asked for my help.
You know I wouldn't be here if I had any other option.
You don't even try to disguise your contempt for me, do you?
-I don't need a row.
-Well, you NEED something.
How was Clacton?
It was a last-minute thing, you know, treat for the kids.
Oh, fun and frolics for all the family.
Very clever, the way you always manage to remind me I'm an outsider.
-Don't be daft.
-You know what I really, really love about you, Pat?
The way that I'm dead to you one minute,
and the next, you're crawling like a little snake,
asking for my help.
So what is it this time?
Tiffany needs a new pair of shoes?
Or maybe little Morgan needs a crust of bread?
I took out a loan on the house to help my son Simon,
and now I've had this letter.
They say they'll repossess the house if I don't pay the money back.
We're expecting the bailiffs any minute.
Um... Fif...Fifty grand.
It's that simple?
You wouldn't ask me if you weren't desperate.
-I don't know what to say.
-You don't need to say anything.
It was a chicken. It was a china chicken to keep eggs in.
-Happy Christmas, Jane(!)
-It was a collectable piece!
And then the next year it was a set of oven mitts and matching apron.
-Like I didn't have enough aprons!
-That was a joke present!
D'you know what? You are just remembering what you want to remember.
I've had some corkers in my time.
Let's see - black eyes, stolen handbags.
-Oh no, no, wait - I did have a guy once that gave me a puppy.
Ate my selection box and puked in my face.
Yeah, well, there won't be any more rubbish presents.
-Not now you're with me.
Make the most of it, Mandy, because once he's got that wedding ring
on your finger, you'll see the real Ian.
Why don't you have some water? You don't want a headache in the morning.
Oh. Did you see that, Mandy?
He cares about me. He really does.
Isn't he lovely? Onwards and upwards, no question.
Yeah. He lives in a B&B.
He could live in the gutter for all I care,
cos he makes me happy.
And you do, Masood, you make me really, really happy.
-And I know you always will.
You know, I was thinking last night.
Working out where we'll all be in ten years' time, you know.
Me and Mas. Well, I was thinking we'll have a successful business.
Asian fusion restaurant.
and a little house not so far away.
Not too big but with a little garden for Bobby and Kamil to play in.
And we'll travel the world and have lovely holidays.
Starting with our honeymoon.
You... You've really thought about this, haven't you?
But you can't get married, can you? Well, you're both from different religions.
I know that sort of stuff doesn't bother you, but it does you.
-So I'll convert.
Yeah, that's what I'll do.
I'll become a Muslim.
DRAINS GLASS AND SLAMS ON TABLE
Where are you going?
-I need some milk.
-There's no need to take Kamil. It's cold out.
Give him to me.
Give him to me, Zainab.
Don't be long.
Uh...I forgot the money.
I'll have some paperwork drawn up first thing.
-Well, I need some security, Pat. You must realise that.
In case you miss a repayment.
-What sort of security?
-Uh, your house, of course.
I mean, we all need a little bit of security sometimes, don't we?
Night-night. Sleep tight.
Well, it's been... it's been fun.
Yeah, yeah. We should return the favour.
Yeah. I mean, no rush, though.
-You're not going, are you?
-I've got some champagne.
We should go.
Why have we got champagne?
Because I've got an announcement to make.
-What kind of announcement?
-The best kind. Now I was gonna tell you later on,
but I thought, well, we're amongst friends, aren't we?
I had a call earlier on, from the registrar. He's had a cancellation and I've taken it.
So we can get married. Surprise!
Well, we know that we want to marry each other.
And this is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.
See, Jane, you're not the only one with a life plan.
-You weren't gone long.
What you need is coffee, and lots of it.
-Do Muslims drink coffee?
-Only if it's halal.
Did you see the look on Mandy's face?
Like a turkey realising it's Christmas.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
E-mail [email protected]
Phil and Shirley's ploy to discover the identity of their tormentor does not go according to plan and they are stunned to realise that it could be someone much closer to home. Jean has an encounter with a mystery man, but is left reeling when he reveals his true intentions. Ricky returns home from Dubai with some bad news, while Ian has a surprise announcement for Mandy. Yusef's control of Zainab becomes increasingly abusive - will Zainab be able to swallow her pride and seek help from an oblivious Masood before it is too late?