As their civil partnership approaches, Syed finally owns up to Christian about the mess he has got the family into. But is he ready to reveal all his secrets?
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Rox, you seen Sy?
No, no, no! You're not supposed to see this!
Got in late, left early. Not answering his phone.
His battery's probably dead.
-Homemade banners. Quality.
-Yeah, well, we need to get on.
Or he's not answering the phone cos he's embarrassed
cos he knows his stag will be nowhere near as good as ours
because his stag night is being organised by an idiot.
Oh, babes, you're wounding me(!)
-I'm not your babes.
-She's still my babes.
-She ain't your babes.
-Thank you, Christian. So where is it, then, this amazing stag?
-You ain't got anywhere?
-Course I've got somewhere!
You think I'm showing you my hand?
-Listen, me and my man...
-We are going Over the Rainbow.
-No bruv, I'm working! I can't...
-# Somewhere over...#
-Fat Boy, you need to come... Fat Boy!
Right, you - go put your frock on.
I love you. But get out.
-Oh, it's nothing to worry about.
-In big cartoon capitals.
I'll deal with it, Tam.
OK, Dad was looking for you. And Christian.
Anyone would think you're getting married.
-Sorry, why are we not open?
-Got to get the place ready.
-We can't afford to shut up...
-Mum doesn't run this place!
All right, Tam? And we said simple!
Yeah, I think that is her idea of simple.
I don't like wasting money. We need to open.
I've sent the chef home. You're allowed a night off.
You've done enough already.
Just go and enjoy your stag...
Go and enjoy it.
Still ain't too late to come?
What, a night out with you? I've seen the CCTV!
SHE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY
-I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
-What you doing?
-I don't know, I don't know.
Yes. You won't even notice we're here!
-Now THAT is the kind of fun we are looking for!
-The R&R was booked and...
-I can't let Syed down, can I?
Hold on, hold on. You think...
I am going to let you hold a stag do in here?
-I tried to tell him.
-How much we talking?
-Do me a favour! You can double that!
You want to stay in, do you? Out! Yes, take that.
-Off you go. Thank you. Bye bye.
HE IMITATES A KISS
Well, someone's burning a candle!
Well, he can burn a whole candelabra, darling!
Cos me and romance? Not getting on.
With a face like that, you surprised?
See ya later!
I thought you'd have gone?
Yeah, running late.
Anyone would think you'd been avoiding me.
It's work. You know?
Anyway, Jane, she can't make it.
Mum's had a relapse and she don't want to leave her.
Well, Shabnam hasn't sent a card.
You know, it wouldn't matter to me
if we were the only two people in the room.
Tomorrow's just about me and the man I love.
Whoo! You stink.
I need to get back to the Argee Bhajee.
YOU need to get in the shower.
Cos you've got a stag do to go to.
I'm putting AJ in with Tamwar.
I thought, night before the wedding.
Give Syed a little bit of space...
That still fits nice.
A bit of space. Yeah.
Maybe that's what he needs.
Beautiful, isn't it?
Wedding present for the two of them.
Our son. Happy.
You was the one that said it was going to get rowdy up in here, bruv!
I say a lot of things.
Yeah, well, I don't want Mr Mitchell's lady getting mash ups,
you know, I kinda like my legs the way they are!
Hey, listen, man, come on...
What you doing? This is my venue!
Rox, come on babe, I've already taken his money!
-Well, untake the money. I've already booked.
We need costumes. L-plates. Inflatable sheep. Now.
All right, cool.
-Come on, then!
-You guys all right? Cool.
-Nice, this, innit?
Stag do. Two stag dos. Wedding.
Yeah, yeah. Enjoy your night, babe. What you guys having?
-Bubbles, bubbles! Lots of bubbles.
-All right. Lovely, coming up.
-Oi, oi! You're spoken for!
-I am young, free and single still!
I, however, am not spoken for.
Yeah, well, she definitely bats for my team.
No, no, she hasn't found the right girl yet. Go get her for me.
-Are you joking?
-Get her for me!
I ain't invited.
I'm inviting you!
You ain't invited either! Watch you drooling all over Mas?
I do not drool!
Kim pawing at Ray. Syed and Christian...
Syed does not drool either!
I mean, what's so wrong in living in sin any more?
I need entertainment!
Hey! Love the hats.
Well, you seem to be in perfect physical health.
Babe! You remember Danny? From the Argee Bhajee?
-Me and Syed have been spending quite a lot of time together lately.
-You never said.
-In fact, your fiance's been calling me all day.
-It was work!
I thought this might be your local.
Come on, boys, you can have a night off.
-It's our stag do.
-Yeah, you should have told me.
I'm finally making an honest man of him.
Hello, the stags!
Hello, darling, all right?
Danny, this is Tanya. We used to work together.
That is until he realised there was more to life than groping naked bodies!
Or is there?
I'll see you in a bit, babe.
-Aye, Jim lad!
-You can't be serious!
You want to walk the plank?
And his brother, the comedian. Danny - one of Sy's regulars.
-This is just friends and family.
My dad's right. I'll call you.
Yeah. You're getting hitched in the morning.
You, young man, are going nowhere. This is my stag do
-and nobody leaves until they finish their drink.
-Don't mind if I do!
-It's a pub.
It is a free country.
-I thought you and romance weren't getting on?
My favourite niece!
-Jane said I have to text photos, so...
-Go on, then. Here we go.
Unleash the Fox! Unleash the Fox!
Kimmy, Kimmy, Kimmy, what, you're not going to introduce me, man?
-Oh, you've got one, yeah?
Scrub up good, innit?
"So if you'd like to raise your glasses, please,
"filled with whatever my mother has deemed appropriate...
-That's close! Ish.
Can you concentrate, please, Syed!
OK. Do we want the next question?
Dee, Dee, I just wanted to say sorry about the whole B&B thing.
And who would Christian have play him in a movie?
-What? It weren't you, was it? It was the bulldozer.
-OK, OK, OK...
Is it John Barrowman. Is it Daniel Craig?
Or is it that blonde one out of Gladiators
that was sleeping with Ulrika Jonsson?
How am I supposed to know that?
Well, you're meant to be marrying him!
That don't count for much!
-He'll have you locked in a cellar before long.
You know what - funny. Little bit dark. But funny. I like it.
That's actually disappointing. Everyone here knows. OK,
altogether - it's Daniel...
Is that how you see me? Jazz-hands John Barrowman!
Hello, I'm Christian. Nice to meet you.
Is that it? Is that all the fun?
Oh, the fun ain't even started yet.
Dee, you know what? Can I... would you like a drink?
-Uh, yeah. That'd be nice.
-Why don't you take care of the music?
I'll entertain the lady.
Two minutes, I want to show you something.
Apparently, father of the bride gets the drinks in
-so that would be you, would it?
-Gets to you, though, innit?
You know, two people in love, getting married,
with their family and friends around...
Sasha'll be waiting, yeah? All right?
MUSIC: "Single Ladies" by Beyonce
Come on, Christian!
# All the single ladies
# All the single ladies
# You put your hands up... #
One, two, three!
I can't have any more of this.
I've got to keep a clear head for tomorrow.
Are you kidding me? Are you going to be like this all night?
-Refusing my drinks.
Talking about, "I'm so loved up!"
One day it'll happen to you, Roxanne Mitchell.
The only good-looking bloke around here has gone, ain't he?
What happened to you, anyway?
Oh, come on, darling...
You used to be so much fun, do you know that?
-I have got such a surprise for you here...
-Oi! Hello? This is not your night, OK?
This is my night! This is my best mate.
Him, all right? HIS stag night! Not yours.
If you want a massage? Help with the stress?
-You knew I was seeing him.
-I didn't know you were getting married.
-I didn't expect you to find out.
-You took me to your local club.
-You've been calling me all day.
-Because you've got my money.
It seems to me like you want to get found out.
You know, you play with fire, Syed, you get burnt.
Why are you marrying him?
Because I love him.
You could do so much better.
Dead-end job in a dead end restaurant.
Well, it's good enough for you to bring your mates to.
You're worth more than this, Syed.
You're young, you're good looking...
Look, I need to get back.
You're tying yourself down
with some Muscle Mary old enough to be your dad.
Never been in love, have you?
How are you going to feel? 10, 20 years from now?
You don't even know him.
What do you want, Syed?
The penthouse on the Thames?
The villa in Miami?
Or do you want to be stuck in some poxy little flat in Walford
with a pensioner?
I'll have the penthouse and the husband, what will you have?
Why are you marrying him, Syed?
I need money.
-What, you selling yourself?
-You couldn't afford it.
-Damaged goods? I don't think so.
-An advance...on my return.
There is no return.
The deal went bust.
No, you said it was guaranteed.
-You roll the dice, you spin the wheel...
-I need that money!
There'll be another investment.
-You can have a flutter on that if you want?
-You loved it, though, didn't you?
-Stop messing me around...
-The risk, the excitement...
-Just give me what's mine.
Just like earlier, when me and your hubby were in the room together.
The smell of fear.
Leave him, Syed.
You can have that whenever you want.
I said no.
He said no.
# ..horny, horny
-# Horny, horny, horny... #
-Give me a minute.
What are you doing, mate?
MUSIC: "You Sexy Thing" by Hot Chocolate
No! How'd you know that one?
Can't beat a bit of old school, baby. Come on, come on!
# ..where you from
# You sexy thing
# I believe in miracles... #
You've changed, all right? You just can't see it.
I've grown up. You should try it.
There are other people in the world, you know. Not just Syed.
Maybe not for me!
So where is he, then?
Can't you just be happy for me?
I've spent all day doing this for you!
-He's never been good enough for you, has he?
-It's not about him.
No, it's about you! Roxy Mitchell, centre of the universe.
Why can't I just have you for one little evening
-without him being there too?
-Please, don't make me choose.
Christian, I love you. You're my best friend.
And I love YOU to bits.
You're pushing me out!
May we? Please?
We were talking money.
Danny's been helping me with the books.
I saw you together.
Said you wanted to get caught.
Oi! Oi! Oi! That's enough!
You've done enough already.
Not such a nice guy after all.
Go on, get out.
Send me some wedding cake.
I just wish he could relax, you know, enjoy it. He's working so hard
You're a good man, Christian.
You make a pretty good man yourself there, Stud!
Who would have thought it, huh?
You and me, here?
I've been thinking about Syed's last wedding...
I said some things...
..some vile things.
I seem to remember I gave as good as I got.
But it can't have been easy for you...
all of that going on and me, Masood...
Amira coming back...
-"Character forming", ain't that what they say?
I respect you, Christian.
Standing by my son...
..bringing up someone else's child...
..fighting for the...
..fighting for the man that you love.
MOUTHS: Thank you.
-Right, now, I expect a huge bunch of flowers every Mother's Day.
And chocolates - hand-made!
-Another man, Syed?
You were with another man!
Days before you and Christian...
You even sneaked out of your own stag night to see him!
-I didn't sneak out, Dad, I...
-I saw it, Syed! I know what I saw!
Are you going to tell him?
-Any reason I shouldn't?
-Are you going to tell Mum?
-Dad, I know how you must be feeling...
-Oh, do you?
You know, do you? How can you possibly know how I feel?
Do you think you're ready?
-Committing to Christian...
-You still think it's wrong, don't you?
-Two men getting married.
-It's not marriage.
Syed, this is not about you being gay!
This is about you...
..marrying the right man.
That's what I'm doing.
You're my son.
I WANT you to be happy.
But kissing another man, Syed...
it tells me that something's wrong.
Hey! Your husband-to-be's gone missing in action.
-I'm just about to go and find him.
-I've got a stripper.
What? I've found the stag! A stag.
-You are joking me, aren't you?
-Come on. Grow up and deal with it.
No, we do not have a licence!
What's he going to want to see her white bits for?
It's all I could afford at the last minute!
For adult entertainment we do not have a licence!
He really don't get the gay thing, does he?
THEY ALL CHEER
MUSIC: "Sexy And I Know It" by LMFAO
-# When I walk in the spot
-This is what I see
# Everybody stops and they staring at me
# I got passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it
# Show it, show it, show it... #
I want you to be the man you can be.
Someone you can respect?
No, someone who can respect himself.
You'll never understand.
Well, try me.
The thing you have to remember, Syed, is...
love is about trust.
You can't live on a life of lies.
You've got to tell Christian.
You think I'm going to take lectures from you about trust?
About marriage? About lies?
-You left Mum with that man!
You went off and you jumped into bed with Jane.
Mum lied to you, you lied to her, you walked away,
you turned your back on her and you left her!
And you stand there, you DARE to stand there
and smugly lecture me about trust?
-I'm not lecturing...
-You have no right!
You lost that right months ago.
Now whatever you saw, you saw nothing!
I love Christian...
..and I am marrying Christian...
..and nothing you can do can stop me.
CROWD CHEERS AND CLAPS
OK, that's enough. That's enough!
Just rub in the oil, baby!
-Tell him to put his teeny-tiny top back on!
-You love it!
I do not! OK, stop!
Go on, Kieran!
I was just...
Oh, lighten up, Mas!
CHEERING CONTINUES, MUFFLED
MUSIC: "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen
YOU missed the stripper!
-Not a patch on me!
You all right? Where you been?
Oh, I've been chatting with Tanya.
Well, that's funny, ain't it? Cos she's dancing over there.
You've been with that Danny bloke, ain't you?
I told you, it's business.
In a minute.
-I caught it on a door frame.
I was lugging a box in for tomorrow. It's nothing.
I love you, Clarkey.
I love you more.
MUSIC: "Domino" by Jessie J
Woo-hoo! Come on!
If you mean it...if you love him...
Yeah, I do, so deal with it.
OK, are we not beyond all this? Surely?
-I'd love someone like Christian, Dad.
Well, maybe a little less manly. Actually, a lot less manly
but anyway, it doesn't matter, they love each other, Dad.
They're good together. Leave them. Come on.
Oi, oi! Cheeky!
Hey, hey, hey, bruvver, bruvver!
-She don't get down like that, all right?
-It ain't me.
-It's the music, bruv.
-I know, I hear you, I hear you,
but she doesn't get down like that, all right? OK?
Yeah, she's got better taste. You good?
Oi! Leave him! What you doing?
Yo, yo, get out, man! Get out!
Oi! You and your crew, man!
It is way past your bedtime, mate.
Step! Step, bruv!
And you, floppy hair! Who does he think he is? Andy Murray?
You all right?
Yeah, I'm just a bit wet. You?
Yeah, I've had worse, man. This is nothing, this is cool.
Listen, can I get you both a drink?
No, I'm just going to get off. I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?
Hey, hey, hey, listen!
Look, do you want me to, you know, walk you home?
Just in case they're outside.
Do you know when you first told me that you loved him?
Was at Amira's wedding - your wedding.
And I told you...to ignore it.
I told you that if you chose to walk this path...
that you would walk it alone.
Syed, I was wrong.
I said that all of this would fade to nothing...
..and it hasn't.
Cos what you have...
it's real, Syed, and it's strong.
So you get married...
..because in my eyes it is marriage.
You get married with my blessing.
I've got a present for you.
I wish you and Christian
everything you've ever dreamed of.
Let me put some ice on that.
You ain't just a...?
Last night of freedom!
Good luck, mate.
Let's have a look.
Next time I see you, it's going to be our wedding day.
I love you so much...
You get some beauty sleep.
I can't do this.
I can't marry you.
No, you don't.
-OK, come on...
Go, go, go!
Ah! So you finally dragged yourself out of your pit, then?
Yeah, I didn't...
Wow! Didn't realise the time there.
-Yeah, well, full English on the table.
-Orange juice, paracetamol. The works.
-Wait. Wait, listen.
-Last night, yeah...
-Just go, yeah?
-It was good, right?
I mean, we were good, right? I mean,
it wasn't just that you was drunk?
No. No. I wasn't drunk.
But it was a mistake. And it'll never happen again.
FRONT DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
There's nothing more to say.
There's nothing more to say?
You sneaking out on the morning of our wedding with your bags packed
and there's nothing more to say?
Look, Sy, last night,
this morning, I meant it.
-I forgive you.
I know that, but...
-It's only money.
-Tam's money, his college fund.
The money for Kamil. I invested it all with that guy.
Yeah. Because you were trying to help.
No, I've done it all before.
They have a dream - I mess it up. It's what I do.
-No, Sy, you don't.
-The worst thing is, they don't know a thing about it
because I haven't got the guts to tell them.
And we will sort it, together.
You and me.
Now I don't ever, ever,
want you to go through something like this again on your own.
So whatever happens, whatever it is you've done...
you just tell me.
Big day for you.
Eldest son getting married.
It's not a marriage. I wish people would stop calling it a marriage.
It's a marriage in his heart.
Look at us, Mas.
When we were kids, would you have thought this is where we'd be today?
Thought you were staying here last night?
-Tell Zainab I'll be five minutes.
Oi, hey! Come on, go.
You're cutting it a bit fine, aren't you?
The wedding's off.
Door was open.
-Sy, please don't do this.
-Is one of you going to tell me...?
There's NOTHING to tell.
He's going to find out sometime.
I already know.
It's not worth ending a relationship just because of a kiss.
I ain't feeling too well.
So you're a bit hungover! Come on, Zainab's your friend.
Ain't like you got so many you can afford to let them down, is it?
-Cheers. I'm feeling better already.
-Aw! Everyone loves a wedding.
Won't be the same without my sis.
And since when did you go all shy and retiring?
Anyhow, you and me don't show, they won't have any guests at all!
-What have you said to him?
-Just go, Dad.
-Everyone argues! It's private!
-I am talking to Christian!
-You and Mum always argue.
To the point where we cancel our wedding?
To the point you walk out on your marriage.
-I don't know how this became about me...
-Couldn't wait, could you?
But your mum and your brother are over there
making sure that everything looks perfect for your big day!
Now whatever's happened, whatever's going on, sort it out!
For not saying anything about the money.
I thought if he could double my money,
-I could put back what I'd borrowed...
-Double your money?
You kissed a guy!
a couple of days before you're supposed to be marrying me
and you think it's all right because you did it for money?
-I didn't do it for money!
-For what, then? You fancy him?
-Everything was about the wedding!
-Pardon me for being excited!
-She's our daughter, Sy!
-Yours and mine.
-I know that, but...
-What? You jealous?
-Jealous I'm spending more time with her, not looking after you?
At least she tells me what she wants!
-Doesn't leave me second-guessing her all the time.
-Danny was there and...
And what? And I wasn't?!
And so you tell your dad and you don't tell me?
-He saw us.
-This just gets better, don't it?
And if he hadn't?
Would you have told me?
-I didn't want to hurt you.
you should have thought of that
before you shoved your tongue down somebody else's throat!
You and me...
What we have...
Now, I know you feel that.
And so whatever's happened...
I will not let something like this ruin everything we fought for.
-Yes, I know that, but...
-No buts, all right?
It was just a kiss.
A kiss. I mean, I kissed someone, remember?
-New Year's Eve? I kissed the piper.
-That was different.
OK? It was heat of the moment.
You forgave me.
And I forgive you.
It was just a kiss.
No, it wasn't.
Yes, but I need to know where to put them.
Jean, why don't you just leave the flowers with us, OK?
My job is flower arranger!
I told Christian I'd be flower arranger,
Christian has paid me to be flower arranger
so arrange the flowers I shall do!
What, you did it at ours? In our bed?
-Oh, well, that makes it all right, don't it?
Look, we never...
It was only a kiss.
What I meant was...
..in my head,
in my heart, it was more.
So you mean, the two of you, you never...
So what is it? You got feelings for him?
-Well, what, then, Sy?
What do you mean, "It was more than a kiss? It's in my heart"?
I mean the fact that it happened. I can't pretend it didn't
and you stand there and forgive me like it's nothing,
like it's not important, but it is important. It's not nothing!
I shouldn't even be looking at anyone else.
You're the only guy I've ever been with.
Don't be so ridiculous.
You've had one-night stands. You told me so.
Properly been with.
You've had other boyfriends.
You know this is what you want.
-And you don't?
-I'm too young to get married.
Never said that last time, did you?
I got it wrong the last time. I don't want to get it wrong again.
And that's what I am now, is it?
"Getting it wrong"?
I wanted to be someone!
I'm sick of walking around here like I'm nothing.
Everyone looking at me like I'm no-one.
And that's what do you think I do, is it?
I thought the business, the stall, taking over the restaurant,
I thought I could show people I'm not no-one
and I tried. I really tried.
Then things started falling apart
and I thought, "Maybe that's who I am."
And then someone came along
-and made me feel like I could be someone!
-I can't listen to this.
Only he didn't.
And I don't.
And I can't marry you, Christian.
How can I promise myself to you when I don't even know who I am?
I'm scared too, you know.
You're not scared of anything.
You want to bet?
You walk through life like it's so easy.
You tell people what you think of them.
You face them down when they say what they think of you.
I'm not like that.
Doesn't mean I'm not scared, though. And as you graciously pointed out,
I've had more men than you've had hot dinners.
-I didn't say that.
-I have, though, ain't I?
Spent my life falling in love...
Well, thinking I've fallen in love, getting hurt...
Falling for the wrong men for all the wrong reasons.
But with you, it's different.
And that scares me.
It scares me I won't be good enough,
that I'll let you down.
But being scared, Sy,
that is no reason not to go through with this.
I mean, if you weren't scared...
..if we weren't scared...
I've lost you before.
Lost you twice.
I can't do that again.
But I won't be Amira.
Now, if you're marrying me because you are too scared to back out,
then you say so now.
You only went through with your last wedding
because you thought it was the right thing to do
because everybody wanted you to.
I can't have you do that again.
Not to yourself.
And certainly not to me.
Now, we might not have money, but that doesn't matter.
-When my family find out...
-We'll sort it.
You and me.
I'll speak to Roxy. She'll know someone you can borrow from.
-I thought the two of you were...
-Sy, it really doesn't matter.
She's my best mate. She won't let me down.
Now, I need to go.
Get changed. Everybody's waiting.
And I'll be waiting there too.
Now, I don't know much about anything,
but I do know that life is way too short for games.
So you marry me
cos you love me.
Or not at all.
Yeah, sorry. I was, um...busy.
Getting dressed and that.
-What have you come as? Half a panda?
-No. Um, ain't Denise here?
-No, Denise is not here.
-She'll be along soon.
Kim is not here. Amy and Roxy are not here.
Syed and Christian are not even here!
-Mr and Mrs Masood?
I'm the registrar.
Oh, yes, yes, lovely to meet you.
Please, yes, come inside, let me get you a drink.
I've got another ceremony to get to, actually. Shall we start?
Oh, well...why don't we have a few more minutes?
Aren't you going to be late?
-Is everything OK?
-You better not be wearing that.
-Like you want me there.
-Like I'd do this without you.
-You didn't do anything!
Yeah, well, we're like an old married couple, me and you.
Do you know what? I'm just... I'm like a 34-year-old single mum
and sometimes it just gets a bit hard. That's all.
Well, you can cry into your pillow tomorrow
-because right now, we have a wedding to attend.
-Are you sure?
Get hitched without a bridesmaid?
She's with Jack.
Well, we'd best go get her, then, hadn't we? Come on.
Are you really sure you don't mind?
It's the party that counts. Right?
OK, well, as soon as the cover for the chippy turns up, I'll be there.
-I need a favour.
-No, no, no, please don't ask me to read
-cos I'll cry. I will.
-It's nothing like that.
I need help. I need to borrow some cash.
OK. I'll do what I can.
Come on, then. Going to be late for my own wedding.
BHANGRA MUSIC PLAYS
Can you put some decent music on, please?
You, you behave yourself today.
And YOU, you're a princess.
MUSIC: "Your Song" by Elton John
Got to go with the flow, innit?
-What, your alarm clock not working?
-It's lovely to see you too, Zainab.
I am amazed that you dared to show your face today.
-Dirty dancing with strangers.
Um...how you doing, Denise? You look really nice.
"Nice"? He speaks English now?
Look at your eye!
Oh, this? This is nothing, man. It's cool.
He got that for you, you know, Dee. I hope you thanked him properly.
-You are looking mighty fine. Eh?
-Don't you start.
So we're not the last, then?
Anything else you'd like to remind me of? Huh?
What do we need? We need a bridesmaid. We need a witness.
We need a bridegroom. Or two.
-That's good. You're not worried at all, then?
-Of course not.
Nothing to worry about.
Masood was, in fact, just going to go get them.
-It's only just gone 12.
-Do I have to do everything myself?
Looking for me?
-Yes! You're late.
-I know. Sorry.
Don't you look beautiful?
Have you got some flowers she can hold?
-She's shown her dress to a bar of chocolate.
-I can stand in.
No, thank you. Tamwar! Get some flowers for Amy!
So now all we need is Syed.
THUNDER AND RAIN
MUSIC: "Don't Know Why" by Norah Jones
Either he's got something wrong with his eye
-or he's got the hots for you.
-Don't be stupid.
Why's it stupid? You're a good-looking woman.
-For your age.
She is, though, innit, chuckle chops?
Yeah...Dee's hotter than summer in St Lucia, you know.
Hmm! See? The boy thinks you're hot.
-Hey, hey, hey! Less of the boy.
-I know a man when I see one.
-It's a hot country.
He's not answering.
I've really got to go to my next ceremony.
-You're worse than a traffic warden, you!
He's not coming.
-What do you mean, he's not coming?
It doesn't matter now. All that matters is that he's...
Ladies and gentlemen...
MUSIC: "Stand By Me" by Ben E King
# When the night has come
# And the land is dark
# And the moon is the only light we'll see
# No, I won't be afraid
# Oh, I won't be afraid
# Just as long as you stand
# Stand by me
# So darlin', darlin'
# Stand by me
# Oh, stand by me
# Oh, stand
# Stand by me
# Stand by me
# If the sky that we look upon
# Should tumble and fall
# Or the mountain should crumble to the sea
# I won't cry
# I won't cry
# No, I won't shed a tear
# Just as long as you stand
# Stand by me... #
Oh, no! Stupid, stupid, stupid!
I will cherish you, tenderly care for you,
uphold you always and honour you.
I'll always give you my best
and I'll ask no more of you than you can give.
I'll be a good dad... SYED MOUTHS
..to our little girl.
I'll be there for her, to listen...
..help guide her towards her dreams.
I pledge to live my life openly and honestly with you.
To be right here by your side
on this journey, wherever it may lead.
Because you are the heart of my everything.
And I love you more than all the stars in the heavens.
Syed. Would you like to make the vows that you have chosen?
I give you this ring, Christian...
..as a symbol of my everlasting commitment.
I hope that you will wear it with happiness and pride,
for now and always.
You are my partner...
and my island.
But above all,
more than all this and everything else...
..you are the one I love.
Christian and Syed,
you have made commitments to each other
in the presence of family, friends and witnesses
and in so doing, you have made promises
to live your lives together.
I now ask that you and your witnesses
-come and sign the schedule.
MUSIC: "Fields of Gold" by Sting
Syed and Christian,
it gives me great pleasure to announce
that you are now joined in legal partnership.
-Go to Bobie's.
-See you soon!
-Did I cry enough?
Can you believe it? I'm married!
Do you know what? I hope you know what you've taken on.
Don't put it like that!
Do you want a little something in that? Hair of the dog? Woof?
Meow! Now you're talking my language!
Or we could take this somewhere quieter?
Do you know, I think my stomach, it's gone again.
Playing hard to get. She does it all the time.
I'll be back at home.
Fats, we've got a problem. I can't find my speech.
Chill out, Tamwar, the Asian star!
-You know it.
-I don't. That's the thing, I'll forget it
and I've left it at home, so...
-Give me the keys.
-SPOON CLINKS ON GLASS
-I'll go and get it.
-Give me your keys.
MASOOD CLEARS HIS THROAT
As father of the groom,
or one of the grooms...
-..I'd like to say a few words.
-Just a few.
-Thank you, darling.
I've said a few things in the past...
..some horrible things.
Some of them in this very room.
I'm not proud of them. And I want to say I'm sorry.
What I am proud of
is my son,
for walking through life with his head held high...
..for being who he is,
finding someone to love, and standing by him.
I had three sons until today and now I've got four.
I couldn't be happier.
Don't set me off!
I don't tell you very often. In fact, I never tell you at all.
-CAR PULLS UP OUTSIDE
I respect you.
I support you.
-And I love you.
-HAMMERING AT DOOR
I have a court order for possession.
-What are you doing?
-We're in the middle of a civil partnership!
You can't just barge in here!
You've got four months of mortgage arrears.
-Oi! What you doing?
-I need to ask you all to leave.
What have you done?
-I haven't done anything!
-Then what are they doing here?
Tamwar! What have you done?
Everything we've worked for - it's ruined.
Your brother's wedding, it's ruined.
How could you do it, Tamwar?
I don't know.
-OK, come on, you can come out now, it's all right.
How much? How much do we owe?
Er... 12,000 - mortgage arrears.
12K? Man, that's a lot of money!
It says here you've had the letters.
I've not read any letters.
You stupid, stupid boy!
Whoa, whoa. Easy!
You are useless!
All you had to do was tell us, Tamwar.
What...what are we expected to do now?
Just tell me, what are we expected to do?
-"So if you'd like to raise your glasses...
"with whatever my mother has deemed appropriate..."
Aww. "..to love."
-"Hey. Hey, Denise.
"How you doing?"
No, no, no, come on.
HE CLEARS THROAT
"Hey, Denise. How you doing?"
Oh, come on!
"Hey, Denise. How you doing?"
Mmm, yeah, I like that one.
You stop touching that, all right?
If you damage any of my property, you will hear from me!
You - explain yourself.
I can't, Mum. I can't, OK? It's not me. I've not done anything wrong.
-So this is their mistake, right?
-I don't know.
-You paid, yes?
-Listen, he has paid. You have paid the mortgage?
-That's not what I said.
Right, in that case, you stop. You stop doing that.
And you! Listen, tell your man to stop doing that.
He has paid the mortgage.
Come on, show them. Show them. Where? In here.
12K. That's a hell of a lot of...
Tamwar, show me!
-Look, take Yas for me.
-Not now, Rox.
Hey, 4K, and they go away for today.
-Give you some breathing space, bruv.
Show good willing to the bank manager, get down to the Citizens Advice...
a long lie down in a darkened room - whatever.
This is our family business in crisis.
If this business goes down, we all go down.
That's enough, Zainab! We're going to be all right, OK?
I don't want them to take everything away that we've worked for, Masood,
for some administrative error.
-And when I find it, you will swing.
-Can you get your hands on 4K, cash?
So it's a win-win.
You get dinner on us down the road. Kim?
Well, if you ask nice, I can show you the way to the caff.
-Kim, Kim, Kim. I'll meet you there, yeah?
You have got one hour to empty your piggy bank.
Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock...
-He's scared, all right? He's panicking.
He's left you on your wedding day. What is more important than you and him on your wedding day?
-It's his family. They're going to lose...
-So he runs away?
He runs away when everybody needs him most? What is he so scared of?
He did this to them, didn't he?
This is why you wanted my cash.
-Look, he didn't mean to, all right? It was wrong choices, bad investments.
-Listen to yourself!
-Please listen to yourself.
-You've never really liked him!
No. No, not really. Not much.
But I love you.
And he's supposed to love them
and he's just dropped them right in it.
He get you a wedding present yet?
-Nice tattoo on your forehead saying "doormat"?
-Oh, that's just lovely(!)
You want to be very, very careful, Christian, that you're not next.
We're done. Huh?
-We're done here.
-No, Christian, wait! Christian, hold on a min...
KIM: Look Amy, it's Mummy. Hey, Mummy!
Ooh, it's Mummy.
-How you doing?
-You missed us?
-Come on, baby, come on.
-Yeah, well, she's here now.
Come on, guys, let me show you where to fill up.
These are hungry boys. KIM CHUCKLES
Pure class, that, Sy(!)
-What's the plan for the honeymoon?
Get to Paris and rip off some old granny?
Suss it out, suss it out, suss it out.
Hello. Hello. What am I going to do with these table flowers?
Yeah, but what am I going to do with these table flowers? They're table flowers!
She ain't going to want no table flowers. What she going to do?
No. Low it, low it, low it.
What she going to do with some fat boy? You know,
she's a big woman. She's a big woman.
But you are a man. You're a man.
You're a man. So go and knock on the door like a man.
Go knock on the door like a man. Go knock on the door like a man...
A flower is a flower. A flower's a flower.
A flower's a flower. A flower's a flower.
Let's do it in one minute. I'll do it in one minute.
I can do it in one minute. I just...
It's OK. It's going to be OK.
I just check the balance, make sure the money's in the kids' account,
then I get down the high street and I draw the lot out. The lot.
-You can stall them in the cafe, can't you, if you have to?
-If you lend me the price of a cuppa.
Thank God for Zainab.
Ain't every day you hear that being said.
Well, she's the one that insisted - saving for the kids' future, putting the child benefit away.
Especially after Kamil and Tam's college fund.
However strapped, she insisted.
I mean, there's got to be more than 4K in this account. And...
No. It doesn't add up.
-Tamwar, it just doesn't add up.
You know, it's all well and good being marginally academic
and having a GCSE in maths.
But that doesn't mean that you don't have to concentrate.
-Do you want to know where it all goes wrong for you, huh?
-Not particularly, no.
Because you've had this fundamental personality flaw
-from when you were Kamil's age.
-Tell me anyway.
You don't stick with things! You don't pay attention to the details -
to the little things.
You want to know why Afia got on that moped of hers, hmm,
and rode off into the sunset?
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I hurt your feelings, Tamwar?
Because you have just spoilt your brother's wedding.
You need to think about the rest of us for a change.
Your father, racing around Walford right now,
chasing after some harebrained scheme that AJ has come up with.
think, all right? I just need you to think.
Where did you record the mortgage payments?
Then what is the point in being slightly above average intelligence
if you can't even get the principles right?
There are two columns. Do you see here? Two columns.
What goes in, what comes out. It is not rocket science.
It is basic office principle.
How - how?! - can someone forget to pay the mortgage?
What kind of imbecile
-doesn't remember to pay the business mortgage?
Educated guess, Mum.
A-level in maths, physics, chemistry, biology -
oh, further maths.
So I'd say Syed, what with you putting him in charge of...
What was it? Fixing my business?
Just go, just go. Just be strong, just be strong. Big man, big man.
Just leave it, just leave it.
-Can I help you?
Amy! Amy, stop biting the nice man's legs!
Stop. I'm so sorry! I'm sorry.
-Not until you know him better.
I always say you can't judge a book by its cover.
-And bailiffs earn a mint, innit?
-Oi, you're spoken for.
-I know. This is bantering.
-I'm just having a little bit of banter, innit.
Don't much fancy the look of yours.
Ooh! Someone's hungry.
So I just wanted to come ov...
Cos I... Cos what I wanted to do - I wanted to say, er, that...
I hope you get better soon.
Yeah, you know, a beautiful flower is a beautiful flower.
What I mean is, you and the flow...
-like the both of you...
-Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
-Yeah, I did get it.
I guess I'll just take that...
..and go and pop it on a table.
Oh, sorry. Yeah, sorry.
You know, I know, you know.
Like, I understand.
I mean, cos, like, you know, why would you,
in the cold light of day and that? But, er... I just wanted to say...
..I think you're amazing.
-Yeah? Mm-hm? Yeah? There...
There is...er...a lot of tables
in the B&B.
So I guess it might be better on a windowsill, or...
You can come and help me look for a place for it...
if you like.
# Let's get it on. #
I made a dreadful mistake.
-Dreadful mistake. I'm so, so sorry, Tamwar.
There's a plan, OK? I'll call him.
Where your brother's concerned, there's always a plan, isn't there?
Though why he wouldn't just tell us about it, I don't know, but...
Oh! Oh, maybe he's getting all the paperwork together, yeah?
So that he can talk us through the strategy.
I tell you, that boy's entrepreneurial spirit,
it causes such unnecessary grief.
OK, er... you call your father. I'll...
You know, I'd pick Syed as my favourite as well, if I was his mum.
What did you say?
Syed is not my favourite.
I...I don't have favourites.
Tamwar... No, no, no...
Some children are just...
less capable. N-not so independent.
They're less able to fend for themselves and some...
Are better looking and more fun and you like them more.
It's all good. There's nothing to discuss, Mum. I'm an adult.
I'm not comparing birthday presents.
Just call Syed.
Listen to me. Hey...
I do love you.
Then stop expecting me to fall over.
You don't have to pick me up every time.
You don't have to go up the school and sort things out.
OK? The popular gang weren't leaving me out. I was just a geek,
with glasses and a plaster.
I left myself out every playtime,
messing about on a calculator, pretending to be a doctor.
I'm never going to grow floppy hair in my eyes and charm you, Mum.
-That's just how it is.
-No. No, that is not fair!
No! We love you for who you are, Tamwar.
We love you both equally, yeah? Your father and I, we love you.
We gave you the restaurant.
We didn't give it to Syed. We didn't expect you to fail.
Tamwar, we gave the restaurant to you.
And thank you, but I didn't want it. I never wanted it.
This was your and Dad's dream.
I want to go to university.
And not Oxford, OK? Just some normal university where I can go...
muck about on a calculator,
brew up the cure to cancer -
whatever it was I was supposed to have done when I finished school.
You don't have to back me if you don't want to, OK?
But I have to go to university now, Mum.
Syed? SHE GROANS
Syed, can you call me when you get this, please, OK? Call me.
Come on! Zainab would never clear out the children's savings account.
University fees are her favourite soapbox. There's got to be some logical explanation.
Oh, try the, er...kitchen drawers.
Hello. Yes. Yes, I am STILL here...
No, I said I'm still here.
Yeah. Yeah. My wife and I...
No, because I don't have the account number, I've just got the card.
Yes. OK, yeah, the regular payments are in child...
The regular payments are in child bene...
Child... Listen, Kevin! Look, I know Kevin isn't your real name
but I'm up against the clock here.
Someone's taken our money.
YES! Yes, fraud.
I want to speak to the manager or whatever you call them in Mumbai.
I said whatever you...
Look, I've just got to speak to a manager now!
I want to report a robbery!
This can't be... I... There's...
There's got to be a logical...
Yeah, well, there's some expensive handbags out there.
It wasn't me. You don't think it was...me?
Well, then, ask her what she's spent it on.
You know, and I'll clear out the booze, empty the restaurant fridge.
We can still raise the money. We can still turn this around, Mas.
Masood, we need to get back to the Argee Bhajee.
-She's doing it again.
-So ask her. You know, have it out.
Civilised conversation over a cup of coffee,
whatever it is you grown-ups do,
but in half an hour...in twen...
in 15 minutes, those bailiffs are walking back into your restaurant
and they are taking the lot. Tick-tock.
Better or worse than the bathroom? What do you think?
It's looking good.
Nah. No, I don't think so.
back down in the dining room,
closer to the bed.
Y-yeah, yeah. Er...
Yeah, c-closer to the bed. I think that's a...
It's a good idea, and....
-Yeah, I mean, you know, but to see it properly you've got to see it from every angle.
So...you shut the curtains
and, er, maybe we can check it out.
-You knew this was coming.
-Look, we go away.
You must have known about it for days - weeks, even.
On our honeymoon, Christian.
It's what you want. It's what you've planned and organised
-and spent the past God knows how long going on about.
-And when we get back...
When we get back and the dust has settled, I will explain it then.
You mean when the Argee Bhajee's boarded up
and Tam's taken it in the neck?
-And your parents, when they can't pay the mortgage on their house?
-We will work it out then.
-Christian, this is my family.
-Yeah, well, they're mine now.
Look, I am not running this past you. We've booked a holiday.
It is non-refundable. We go on our honeymoon now.
Oh, grow up, Syed! We're supposed to be over there now.
Laughing, dancing, happy.
Now, I can cope with the fact that you have ruined my wedding day...
and I can live with the fact
that you are a failed and useless businessman
-that goes behind my back...
-This is how it's going to be, is it?
Every time we argue, you bring up a stupid kiss?
..but I cannot live with a coward!
So you go and you leave this mess that you've made,
you go on that honeymoon now...
..and you go on your own.
Right, lads, let's go.
Is that the time already? Oh, what a shame!
No-one can say we didn't push it to the wire, people.
Asians running an Indian - who wants to live that cliche, eh?
Here you go.
Come on, sweetheart.
She wanted her daddy.
Come on, Amy.
Christian, listen to me. I've checked, all right?
I can get my hands on a couple of grand.
I tell you what - you go and play.
Yeah, go on, you go with Yasmin.
-Go in Yasmin's room and play.
There you go, sweetheart. In you go.
I'll see you in a minute.
All right, look, there is...
There is Amy's account and all that, but I have to give notice, so...
So the thing is...
I will lend it to them.
I know the Masoods aren't my family, but...
..you are, and...
You can't afford to be dishing out loans.
They can have it. They can have it if that's what they want.
Look, I know it's none of my business.
-I was just trying to look out for you.
I know I need to back off, so I'm going to back off, OK?
I'll back off.
-Syed's your husband now, and...
-He's left me.
He's left me, Rox.
Dignity, please, Zainab.
And when we get through this...
when the bailiffs are done and Syed is home from his honeymoon...
we can try and work out what went so very, very wrong here.
you can tell us
what you've done with all the cash from the kids' savings account.
Tamwar's college fund?
KNOCK AT DOOR
Because I am sure there's a reasonable explanation...
BAILIFF: Open up.
You heard the man.
And I am sure...you wouldn't do it again, Zainab.
You wouldn't lie
behind my back AGAIN,
-I mean, it hasn't even been a year, has it?
-KNOCK AT DOOR
Can we talk about this later?
It hasn't even been a year since you cheated on me!
I mean, it has got to be something very important
to throw away your own kids' future.
Something vital, is it?
Or is it someone?
-Who is it, Zainab?
Thank God. Thank God.
Always at the last minute, always your phone on silent.
You see, Masood, I wasn't keeping any "secrets" from you.
And I certainly did not "take" our children's savings.
I merely entrusted them to our eldest son.
-No, no, no.
You like that word so much, Masood? Trust?
You need to go and look it up.
So go on, tell him.
It'll all make sense. I know it will, OK. And then you can tell them.
And then they, they can leave.
It was me.
Mum, I didn't pay the mortgage.
OK. Shall we make a start in the kitchen, lads?
But there's a plan, right, Syed?
There must be a reason, right..?
I wrote that cheque.
I invested 10k in cleaning products on the back of a handshake
and I sold them at a loss.
But I'm holding my hands up, all right, Dad?
But I've learnt my lesson, I swear,
and if you just give me a chance, I can prove it.
We can... We can buy this place back.
You know, I can repay every penny. I can earn your respect back.
Dad, I know that the buck stops with me.
All you are making is noise,
and I cannot understand a single word you are saying to me.
Look, Dad, it's 50 quid.
Look, it's not...
It's the last of my overdraft from the cash machine.
And the euros, for the honeymoon.
Come on, come on. It's only money. It's only a business.
Five minutes ago you were up against the clock
and counting frozen chickens!
Five minutes ago I didn't know your son was a bigger idiot than me,
and the divine Zainab blown the family fortunes and fibbed about it.
She didn't tell me!
So, so serious!
It's like snakes and ladders with you, Mas.
So you've slid down all the snakes, the dice is under the sofa.
So you lost this one. No biggie. No-one died, did they?
I knew he'd be like this.
I knew he would react like this.
What did you expect, Syed? A pat on the back?
You were supposed to be helping us.
-Well, he's royally screwed us over now, Mum.
No, I did not default on the mortgage payments
in the first place, Tamwar. You did.
I did not run this restaurant into the ground, did I?
You know, this is my wedding day.
What a farce.
Ma, we both know why you didn't ask Dad to try and fix help this...
Don't you dare twist this round on Dad!
Oh, no. It's not Dad. It's never our precious father.
Do you hear him having a go at you about the mess
you left the restaurant in before I even got here?
Nothing. Not one word.
Because he's different with you, Tam.
Yeah, he is. Because he gets you. Because he wants to know you.
I mean, do you know how many times he's...?
He doesn't even like me, Mum.
It's OK. It's OK.
I'm so sorry.
I know. I know.
The bailiff van ain't gone yet, though, has it?
So I thought, you know, maybe here would be better.
I can always take him back to the B&B
if you need to have a little discuss, you know.
It's not a problem, cos I love kids, you know.
And all his little questions, questions, questions.
Too many questions.
So you didn't raise the cash then, no?
The bailiffs are going to take everything you got?
Tough call, Masood. Tough call.
Hey, mate of mine - one minute she's getting her teeth whitened
and a Christmas mini-break to Tenerife. Lost her job.
Next minute, I couldn't believe it, she's on antidepressants
a key to a bedsit, acne breaking out, roots showing...
Thank you for bringing Kamil home.
Now that is the face of a woman on the edge.
I really don't think that is any of your business...
No, no. Listen, I can always put the kettle for you, you know.
Cos I know you two probably need
to sit down and talk through the trauma.
I'm glad you're here.
Save me packing a suitcase.
I really don't think you should overreact like this, Masood.
You know, you can put on your own kettle, yeah?
I want you out.
Do not speak a word of all this.
-Ain't you got a grown-up name I can use?
All right, I promise I won't speak a word of it, all right?
The back door.
Let's just tell her.
Listen, you feeling better? You're definitely looking better, baby.
So come here. Just call me the Love Doctor, yeah?
-All right, cool.
Oh, my days.
Why's your top on inside out?
Girl, you will not believe what just happened.
And she's like, "You stupid, stupid boy," and she's hitting him
and he's cowering, and I'm thinking,
"You know what? You need to fight back, kid,"
cos Tam ain't stupid, you know, and 12,000 quid?
That's a hell of a lot of money.
You don't lose that money down the back of a drawer, do you? No.
So then Mas, he's all sprawled out on the floor,
so I dashed some water on him.
All right, I didn't, but I should have done, though.
Because he's sitting in the chair with his head in his hands
and I'm thinking, "Any minute now, he's going to have a heart attack
"and I'll have to give him mouth to mouth."
What is wrong with just being honest?
That's what he's trying to do, Masood.
You have cleaned us out, Syed!
And, once again, your mother has thrown all sanity,
all sanity out of the window!
From the moment you were born, you have been a wedge between us...
-And I don't even blame you. I don't.
You were just a whiney, obnoxious child, full of your own self-worth.
Well, say what you think, Dad.
When did it ever matter what I think?
You have driven us to the breadline
and she has backed you all the way!
I don't even understand what it is about you!
Why you? Why?
Why him, Zainab? Of all our children.
Why didn't you talk to ME?
Why didn't you ask me?
What, am I not intelligent enough
to understand your next hare-brained, half-baked scheme?
-Because I didn't know!
-Because you didn't know!
Why put blind faith in the least capable?
Do you know why I did all this, Dad?
For years I have tried to work it out, Syed.
Do you know why I did all this..?
From the moment you were born, you wedged yourself in that bed
between us, and then kicked me in the back!
Because I want to be a success!
Because I wanted to make you proud, you blind old man!
Well, get out!
You get out from ruining my marriage
and go and make your own husband miserable!
What are you doing?
I have had enough.
Someone has to put a stop to it.
Dancing his stupid dance.
Watching Syed play you...
I have had enough.
Kim. Who was leaving with the suitcase? Masood or Zainab?
Was Mas packing a suitcase for him or for Zainab?
Denise. I do not know that.
And it's not really our business though, is it?
Yay, it's time to parteeeee! Tam, I've got your speech, bro.
Where's the cake? Where's the happy couple?
And why are those blokes outside?
Hey. Excuse, me. Hey.
Oi, you don't drink. That is not Muslim.
Bailiffs. Outside. Tea break.
It's a parallel universe.
It's a sarong.
Oh, yes, it is. Louder.
It's a sarong.
Yes, it is.
Does Victoria Beckham know, huh, that you've actually
been raiding her husband's 1998 summer wardrobe?
Put it on. Put it on.
Men can wear skirts, you know.
Yeah. Bet you got a pair of matching sandals in here somewhere,
It's a very practical item, actually.
Did you get Syed one, as well?
I bet you got him one different colour, same pattern. Bet you.
Wow! You are a closet
"matching-jumper-wearing heterosexual man", Christian Clarke.
Clarke-Masood. I was thinking double-barrelled.
It's pretentious anyway.
We need ice cream.
Three tubs. I'll go to the shop, you get the spoons, OK?
I am not enough, am I?
There is just not enough of me!
I'm all right if there's a Syed add-on to take all the devotion.
Someone larger than life and twice as mental as Yusef.
But a postman?
A teaching assistant?
An easy life? No.
You want a knight in shining armour. I do know...
I know exactly why you favour Syed.
You are both aspirational snobs.
For all your moral indignation, you are a liar!
And you and Syed are two of a kind
and I do not trust you.
You don't trust me?
So Jane - she was a figment of my imagination, yeah?
-You know, we have both made mistakes, Masood...
And I have tried.
I have tried so hard.
I've tried to be better, I have tried to be bigger.
Get over it, for the sake of our other three children,
for the sake of that little boy upstairs
who you messed around for almost a year until he didn't know
where he lived or who to call Daddy.
Keep my mouth shut.
Stick it out. Us together.
For the sake of Kamil.
At least until he's 18, because surely after all that
I will rate somewhere.
Surely somewhere in there,
there will be some level of respect.
For me, Zainab.
LULLABY PLAYS IN BACKGROUND
I did it.
I said it. I told them everything.
Dad hates me.
They were never going to be laughing about it, Sy.
I am too old to keep blaming them.
I'm a liar.
He said I was a liar.
A cheat. Making excuses, he said.
Getting in between them.
In their way.
All that work you put in and I just ruin it.
Who'd want to get landed, eh?
I don't know what to do now.
Sy, your parents will be all right.
They always are.
But they're not the only ones landed in it now, are they?
Time to stop thinking about yourself, handsome.
Where has being good ever got me?
No. The question is,
is that if you go bad, where you going to go next?
Straight down them Jahannam gates, bruv.
Yeah, yeah. That's right, I can speak Muslim.
I done a week in RE in Year 8, bruv.
It's a family tradition.
I don't like being second best!
I mean, of course I compare birthday presents.
What, did she think I wouldn't notice
when Syed got a mountain bike, I got a fountain pen?
I don't like being an after-thought.
I don't like picking up the pieces and holding the fort.
I'm not even my own wife's favourite. Do you know how that feels?
You'll change your mind when the dust has settled, won't you?
Maybe I could take on some extra shifts.
Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise, Masood, you know?
Everything out in the open.
Maybe taking on the Argee Bhajee wasn't such a good idea.
I mean, the recession isn't just a word on the news, is it?
We knew full well that the restaurant was in trouble
even before we missed a couple of the mortgage repayments, and...
Masood, look. See?
This could mean a new start, you know.
We could turn things round with this.
The family can pull together.
And with our new son-in-law,
things could be better tomorrow.
We're a family, Masood, OK?
We're a family, and that means that we are bound together
and I don't mean with bills or direct debits or debt.
How can I leave?
So much history, so much effort. How can I leave?
You don't want to do this to Kamil, do you,
No, see. I don't. I don't.
Tomorrow, after you've patched things up with Syed, you know...
..maybe things can be back to normal again, can't they?
I'll make a plan. I will do a budget. I will...
I don't work very well without you.
We will be OK, won't we, huh?
Oh, here's to the happy couple.
Yeah, yeah, cake's in the van, mate.
Yeah, and I've eaten your canapes.
I thought about what you said.
Good. He said you would...
Congratulations. I didn't get to say anything earlier.
Well, I just hope you two are happy.
I mean, this is my brother so it's not likely.
Just don't give him any money. Don't give him any responsibility
and if he really hacks you off...
-I'm an idiot! I'm a stupid ugly idiot!
I mean, it doesn't make a difference but it makes you feel a lot better.
They're getting it on.
They are most probably getting it on right now.
You know, the best bit of falling out is making up.
They've had the bailiffs in, Kim,
they haven't had an argument over the cushion covers.
Well, not everybody's a celibate nun, Denise.
Come on, bruv, I mean where's your sense of romance?
I am on a schedule.
You only get one wedding day.
Or two. Three. Four max, you know.
-Come on, please.
-Five minutes, the power goes.
You are a good man. You know what,
five minutes. Hey, we have light!
Five minutes, that's all I need, man. Sounds good to me.
Here we go, here we go.
MUSIC: "Let There be Love" by Nat King Cole
And can I just ask our happy couple on their very special day,
and I know it's late, but late is better than never,
to please take the dance floor.
Weird place, Walford.
# Let there be you
# Let there be me
# Let there be oysters
Oh, what a shame! The power, the power's gone.
You know what, if you grab your jackets and your coats,
and, you know, and make your way out.
Bad luck, bruv. Sorry.
-That's what I said.
Yeah, they'll be fine.
Yeah, course they will.
I mean, it's like a once every six months thing.
This is up there.
Basically, once every six months there's a big argument,
Dad gets hacked off, there's some door slamming, some shouting,
then Mum makes his favourite curry
and Dad goes back to doing what he's told.
Well, who's up for the pub?
Suppose it ain't too early.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm good to go anytime.
There you go.
You know what, I'm spoken for,
but if I wasn't, you would have some serious competition.
Mum? Dad? They're all going to the pub for the wedding.
There was a wedding today.
Syed reckons he can get the money back after the honeymoon.
If you two want to go together,
I don't mind looking after Kamil.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
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