27/10/2012 EastEnders Omnibus

HE GROANS

That's just wrong.

I wasn't going to eat it.

Since when do you know anything about Star Wars?

Lexi's Moses basket.

No flies on you, eh, Pops.

What's it doing out?

Fixing it, aren't I?

She's coming home, remember?

I know. But it's an access visit, Lo. Only three hours.

You really want her to be asleep all that time?

This is for when she comes home for good.

Well, that might take a bit more time.

Nah, Phil promised.

It's just complicated.

What's complicated?

He said he's going to get my baby back and I believe him.

Why? Don't you?

Yeah. Yeah, I believe him.

LETTER BOX OPENS

HE SIGHS

17 times?

And that was just the cinema release.

-Mas saw Empire 18 times. He reckons it's a better script but...

-Dad?

Who do you think took me? He never told you about this?

No. What about Jedi?

We didn't see it. Not together.

It was 1983 and Mas...

Had other priorities.

Why didn't you tell me?

Tell you what?

You being a Star Wars fan? You were a geek.

I was never a geek.

Dad, I think anyone who watches Empire 18 times qualifies as a geek.

He's got a point.

I have to clean up around kids all day at work.

You and Mum teasing me all the time.

And, secretly, you're a nerd. What happened?

I grew up. That's what people do.

What do you think?

Yeah, it's beautiful.

Max, you weren't even looking. This is important.

Unless you want it to turn out like Christian and Syed's.

Babe, the wedding's two months away.

The bridesmaid fitting is tomorrow.

That's a conversation for your bridal party.

Yes, it is. And I would, except one of my bridesmaids is at school

and the other one's lying there auditioning for Britain's Got Lazy.

Hello? I'm right here, you know.

My mother's even less interested

in dresses than you are. And Rainie's...

SHE SIGHS

Who knows where Rainie is.

Babe, I don't want to look at dresses cos I don't need to, all right?

Cos they're going to be beautiful cos you're beautiful.

And if they ain't, it don't matter

cos I'd marry you in a hessian sack.

Please. Get a room.

Right. I'm going to go and see my mum.

If she's still on that couch when I get back,

you'll be marrying me in a prison issue.

Lauren, get off that sofa, will you? Get dressed.

-Make yourself presentable.

-Er, why?

Cos I'm going to give you a job. Go on, get up!

-TV IN BACKGROUND:

-'..Some of us are working our fingers to the bone.'

Sharon about?

Let me just check.

Nope. She's out doing things, isn't she?

What things?

Dunno. She was being quite mysterious, to be honest.

-Thanks for keeping the chair warm for me.

-For Sharon, you mean.

Yeah, that too.

Birthday present.

What, you didn't know?

Yeah, course I did.

That'll be why she was being all mysterious this morning.

You know what women are like about their significant birthdays.

Oh, and I hope you're not planning any surprise parties

cos she hates 'em.

Your dad is not in a good place.

He's not the only one.

So I thought we should do something to help,

like organise a cleaning rota.

Yeah. It says cleaning rota. Sadly, the rota part is missing.

I thought you could handle that bit. I'm more of an ideas man.

I knew I could count on you!

HE WINCES

You OK?

I'm fine.

Where are you going?

I...am going to get a job.

OK. You might want to put some trousers on first.

A surprise party sounds lovely, Jack. Oh, I've got no idea.

Um, what does "significant" mean anyway? No! No, you can't ask her.

You never ask. A woman asking's even worse!

And the bailiffs stripped the place clean.

Glad they tied the knot, though.

Love conquers all.

Except the mortgage payment.

I don't know, Jack. You used to be a detective, didn't you?

Do some detecting. Bye. Men, eh?

Useless, the lot of them.

You here for a reason?

Yeah. Rainie. Have you heard anything yet?

If I had I would have told you, wouldn't I?

I don't know, Mum. Would you? Cos I've been asking you for weeks.

I'm starting to think maybe you don't want her at the wedding.

I've asked around all her old haunts. I've left messages.

What else am I supposed to do?

Maybe she hasn't got any of the messages.

Maybe she has and she don't want to know.

The way you two parted, she might need more time.

Uncle AJ?

Hey, boys! How was Paris?

-Yeah, it was fine.

-Great.

-Great.

-Being married takes a while to get used to.

Give it five years. HE CHUCKLES

How's Dad?

HE SIGHS About how you'd expect.

-Phil Mitchell own this place?

-Yeah.

What's it closed for?

Since everybody who worked here was implicated in a murder.

So, he's not choosy about who he employs then?

You could say that, yes.

Syed, you heard from your mum?

No. Should I have?

Just hoped you might know where she and Kamil have gone.

What d'you mean gone?

I don't understand.

It's a Letter of Consent.

Yes, I know. I can read.

I don't understand.

-This says I agree Lexi should live with you.

-Yes.

Yes, but I don't agree. I should have custody. I'm her mum.

You're also on bail for ABH and suspected of neglect.

-I never neglected Lexi.

-But they think you did.

-And it's going to take months to prove otherwise.

-Is that true?

I don't know.

You promised you'd get Lexi back. This can't be the only way.

This is the fastest. It's the best way.

It's my way. I thought we'd agreed this?

Agreed what? Pops?

When you're ready, come and see me, all right?

I'll never sign away my baby.

It's not what you think.

Just get out!

Careful. Wind'll change.

Yes, well, that must've been what happened to Uncle Derek then!

Yeah, funny. This is pretty good. What's it for?

My stupid Dad's got me doing some stupid pitch

for a stupid advert to go in the stupid local papers.

What's so stupid about that?

Me. Because I can design the look, yeah. But the slogan...?

This is what I got, I got...Brannings Best Bargains!

Or Brannings Motors: We'll get you running.

Mmmm.

No, see look, that's terrible!

D'you want some help?

What do you know about advertising?

About as much as you.

OK. You're hired.

Look, I wanted to tell you but, I just didn't know how.

Like this. "Hi, Lola, Phil's promised to get back your baby

"but only if he gets to keep her."

-He is her granddad.

-And what are you? The Pied Piper?

I'm the bloke who has to watch you every time

they take Lexi back to some nameless, faceless foster parent.

It breaks my heart watching them break yours.

C'mon Lo, don't you see,

at least this way Lexi will be with people who love her,

while we fight your case.

Trish is coming today, yeah? Talk to her.

Maybe sign up for that parenting class she keeps banging on about.

I don't need to take lessons in how to love my baby, you know!

-You've got to show willing.

-Yes, but you said you believed in Phil.

Do you trust him?

SCOFFS

-Lola?

-No, don't.

-Lo, please! Lo!

DOOR SLAMS

I'm sensing you were expecting someone else?

What do you want?

A job. I'm a mechanic in need of an employer.

I hear that you're a employer in need of a mechanic.

So...match made in heaven.

Qualifications?

Well, I'm not currently implicated in any murder inquiries.

No. Wait.

Please! I'm sorry. I have a...thing.

Makes me say stupid things.

I can't promise it won't happen again because it probably will.

I'm unreliable, irresponsible, insolent, quite lazy.

But...my family are going through some really bad stuff

and I just need to help somehow.

I'm also the best damn mechanic you'll ever meet.

And...

I don't ask questions.

The best, eh?

Prove it.

Sure.

How?

I dunno, do I. 50?

HE LAUGHS All right, calm down.

Only cos you said it was "significant".

Jack, honestly, mate, who cares how old she is?

Why don't you just ask her?

All right, I'll see ya later.

Jack is throwing a surprise party for Sharon.

The surprise being he doesn't know how old she is.

-Why doesn't he just ask her?

-Yeah, exactly!

-Party? Yeah.

No, no party for you. Not until you sort all this out.

Right, what you got?

OK.

Brannings: A Brand You Can Believe In.

Yeah. Not a bad start.

Start?

I like the concept. Just the message, got to be a bit sexier.

Another victim out there.

Sexier, Lauren, yeah?

Welcome to The Arches.

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and...

Sorry. That's my thing again. Star Wars.

We must be cautious.

It's a motorbike.

It's a 1980 Suzuki, GSX 250cc, four stroke,

parallel twin cylinder...

Boo-yah! I told you I was the best.

Any tools and spares you can find in here you can use for free.

Anything else you actually need, you have to pay for yourself.

Get it running, the job's yours.

Easy peasy.

You've got until the end of the day.

I know as much you do, OK? I came home.

Mum and Kamil weren't here. Dad said they'd gone.

She ran away? Or he threw her out?

-I don't know! He's not talking about it.

-Are they breaking up?

It's not your fault.

Isn't it? Tambo.

Did you know Dad was a Star Wars fan?

He saw Empire 18 times. AJ saw Star Wars 17 times.

But Dad never saw Jedi.

Mum's gone, Dad's not talking.

Why on earth are you and AJ discussing Star Wars?

Because Mum's gone. OK? Because Dad's not talking.

Because you lied, you cheated and ruined everything.

So don't you think we'd be grabbing at the chance

to talk about anything other than what happened?

You should probably go.

HE GROANS

-Tam? You OK?

-I'm fine.

-No, you're not. Is it your back?

Syed, I said I'm fine. OK? You don't get to care.

Not so soon.

Come on.

Cora, how much are these?

£3.50 for two.

£3.50? But I've only got £2.

Then that's what they cost.

-Ta. Here.

-Keep the money.

They're for Lexi.

SHE SIGHS

Dunno what the point is anyway.

She'll probably come back in someone else's clothes.

-And they'll probably be designer.

-You're giving up?

You don't know what it's like.

Yes, I do. My Rainie's an addict.

Has been for years.

Every single night I go to bed and wonder if the phone's going to ring.

If this time they've found her.

Maybe I didn't fight hard enough, early enough.

Don't make that mistake.

Thank you.

What?

You expecting that phone to ring with bad news again?

I dunno. What I do know is Rainie's got my messages.

Why the hell hasn't she replied then?

No idea. And I'm not sure I want to find out.

Sexy.

Sexy?

Sex.

Come on, what does that even mean?

Not being funny, but it's a car lot! What's sexy about that?

I got Brannings Bangers.

No. Max's Meaty Motors?

SHE GIGGLES Hey. You should do it more often.

What?

Smile.

Shut up.

He's right. It's nice to see you smiling.

Actually, it's nice just to see you...sitting up.

Hilarious. Oh. Yes! It's not about sex, is it?

No. It's about love. You love your car, don't you?

-You make a commitment to it.

-Yeah.

-Going to write that down.

She's up and ready.

That's funny. I didn't see a bike. And didn't hear an engine neither.

It won't turn over. It just needs a valve. 35 quid.

Then find 35 quid and you get a job, don't you?

I haven't got 35 pence, mate.

Those were the rules. "Easy peasy", remember?

If you don't mind, I've got a party to go to.

HE SIGHS

SHE SIGHS

SHE SIGHS

SHE SIGHS

Oof...

Oh...

Hmm...

SIGHS

­ CREAKING FLOORBOARDS

Trish. You're early. Where's Lexi?

She's not coming, Lo.

What do you mean she's not coming?

Lexi's poorly. It's not serious. Just a cold.

But it was decided that it was best not to move her

from where she was comfortable.

Lexi's sick?

And you think she'll be more comfortable with someone else.

What is it with you people? What did I do?

No, Lo...

DOOR SLAMS

Sheez... Tam, that is all kinds of wrong.

What are you doing? Spying on people now?

I had no idea it was that bad.

Yeah, it's that bad. That's what fire does. It scars. And it kills.

What, do you want a closer look?

Tam, stop. It just...took me by surprise, is all.

Did you get your job?

-Not quite. I...

-Did you even try?

Was there actually ever a job in the first place?

Why are you still here? You know what Dad's going through.

He doesn't need parties or cleaning rotas,

he just needs someone he can rely on.

So, how about you just go, run away and leave us alone?

Branning Brothers: A Commitment to Excellence. A Commitment to You.

That's good, Lauren.

That's really good.

Drinks are on me.

-Result!

-Two drinks.

Right. Line 'em up! Luce, you in?

-Just one.

-Whit?

No. It's a bit early for me.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. Just what I said. Right, I'm going to call Tyler.

-What's her problem?

-Babe, just get yourself down here, will you, please?

Is that Tanya?

Yeah. Did you find out how old she is?

Could always cut her in half, count her rings.

Here we are. Shh, everyone. She's here.

ALL: Surprise!

MUSIC STARTS

Tamwar. What's up?

Uncle AJ. He walked in on me checking my scars.

And I kinda lost it at him.

Yeah, well, I'm sure it'll be fine.

No, like, you don't understand.

-I was really harsh.

-ENGINE APPROACHES

I kind of told him go. To run away. And he did.

What is that?

Trouble.

What do you think?

What a piece of junk.

She'll make 0.5 past light speed.

Geeks.

Want to ride?

AJ CHUCKLES

Hey!

CHUCKLES

I was doing all the right things.

Look, I even signed up to your parenting classes.

That's a really good step. I know it's difficult.

But you must be patient. And you must control your temper.

I brought something for you. It was taken today.

When it was decided Lexi couldn't come, I went over so I could bring

a little piece of her to you. I know it's hard.

But you have to believe me.

We all want what's best for Lexi.

So you got a job?

-Yep.

-Cleaning rota?

Yep.

What's your next trick?

Dunno, bruv.

Tam said you saw the old...

-Yeah.

-It's pretty grim.

It's not that. It's not...

It's...everything.

What you, your family, have been through.

What you're going through. I don't know how you all do it.

How you all cope.

MASOOD LAUGHS

I really don't. I'm not sure I can.

HE LAUGHS AGAIN

It's not some sort of test, AJ. You can leave.

No-one's going to blame you.

If you have to toss a coin over a decision like this,

your decision's already made.

I've got to get back to work. I'll see you later?

See ya. Another one?

Yes, please.

-OK, what is your problem?

-What do you mean?

You treating Joey like dirt.

No, I'm not. He's working, he should keep his distance.

Yeah? Well, I know who I want to keep my distance from.

-Happy birthday.

-Thank you.

Surprised?

Yeah. For the record, I hate surprise parties.

I tried to warn him. Still, nice for your 43rd, isn't it?

Yeah. That's why I like him.

-MOBILE BEEPS

-I've got to go.

Good riddance. She was treating you like dirt.

No. She's just venting. It's nothing.

Venting about what?

I kissed her a couple of weeks ago.

S'pose she got a bit hung up about it, that's all.

What? But she's got a boyfriend. You've got a girlfriend!

All right, Lauren. It was nothing serious, was it?

She was getting all in my face, so I thought I'd prove a point.

That's all.

Hey. I really liked today. We should do it again.

MASOOD: I was the only one that wanted to be Luke Skywalker.

Everyone else wanted to be Han Solo.

-TAMWAR:

-Arrogant, wasn't he?

Yeah, but he was the coolest one.

Why has this flared up?

It's just a slight contracture, OK. I hadn't been keeping an eye on it.

You can't afford to do that.

Well, I've had other things on my mind, Dad.

So you never saw Jedi? That was 1983.

That's when you married Mum.

Yeah, she had different tastes in film.

You changed for her, didn't you?

I loved your mother very much.

I LOVE your mother very much.

Is she coming back?

Yeah, of course. She's just with friends.

Just having a little break, that's all.

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-Mind if I cut in?

You don't have to.

Yes, I do. I want to. Well, I don't want to.

But I do have to.

-It's OK you get used to it after a while.

-Really?

No.

I see your point.

Although...

..it does look a lot like the Emperor's face,

all lumpy and full of gravitas.

Thanks, AJ.

Say something, Emperor, Go on. Blah, blah blah Dark Side.

THEY CHUCKLE

Does this make me your Padawan now?

Let's not mention the prequels.

Yeah.

What made you change your mind?

Who said I have?

Well, you're here.

Look at it.

Do you love her?

She's a baby.

Do...you...love...her?

Does it matter?

It will if you betrayed her.

You wouldn't notice but this is Lexi rolling over.

I was looking for it before she left

but I never got the chance to see it.

What are you doing?

I missed that moment in my baby's life and I won't miss another one.

Trust me.

Here you are, mate. You can have that.

-Morning.

-Morning.

Ah... Have I got any post today?

What date is it?

The date is the 23rd.

Ah, yeah.

You see, end of the month, the bills keep rolling in.

What are you going to do today?

Today? Find a job, pay my share.

Well, you don't have to worry about that,

because we have got the magic jar.

We've got enough to last us at least a...week.

Well done, it's your first day and you're already late.

What do you do in that bathroom?

What can I say, the ladies expect a certain standard of grooming.

Now you're an employed part of this happy household,

I thought you might want to contribute to the family finances.

Oh, I'm quite happy with this no payment,

no residency rights situation.

I'm a teaching assistant with a few postal rounds in a week.

I can't cover all the costs.

If you do a job you love,

you're always going to be taken advantage of.

Oh, weren't we supposed to be doing something today?

I don't think so... We could have a lads' night?

I'm sure we're supposed to be doing something today.

Jimmie. It's Phil. Change of plan, meet me at the cafe instead, yeah?

And don't keep me waiting.

Yeah, it's beautiful,

but ordering one for Rainie's jumping the gun ain't it?

Why? She's a bridesmaid.

You know what she's like.

We don't know where she is, and when she wants to disappear...

Do you think she's back on it?

No, no.

Good, because I want her at my wedding.

LOUD KNOCKING ON DOOR

All right, all right, calm down. What's the matter with you?

Blimey. Banging on the door.

Oh, all right, Phil?

We alone?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, they've left.

-They?

-Yeah. The Border Agency guys.

-I thought they was old bill?

No, no, no. They got a tip-off about, you know, the decorators that you got in.

Reckon they were illegal.

-And you gave 'em my address?

-No! No course I didn't.

They came here first. Phil, they've got your address.

They know about the R&R, the Arches...

If they come back asking any more questions,

do what you do best, just play dumb. All right?

Phil, hold on, mate. It's you they want to talk to, isn't it?

They're going to be back in a couple hours.

DOORBELL RINGS

Go on, hit it.

# Hey Tam, yo! It's your birthday, oh!

# And we're going to celebrate with a glass of OJ, oh no, oh yes

# That's how we roll, yo yo. #

-What you doing?

-What you said.

-No, you're doing it wrong.

-I did what you said.

-Come on, seriously.

-Can you just stop, please?

-What's wrong with you, man?

I'm not doing the whole birthday thing this year.

Oh, is it cos your restaurant went bust?

-No.

-Oops...

Oh, cos you're missing your mum and Kamil?

Who told you about that?

Um...he did?

Denise may have mentioned it? Cos...I went to see her....

At the...Minute Mart...

to go buy some...fabric softener.

Fabric softener?

I just wanted to say sorry to hear about your mum and that.

It's well sad. But it's your birthday, he wrote you a song and everything.

-I'm sure it's lovely.

-No, it's not lovely. It's hard-core. Hit it.

# Hey Tam, yo! It's your birthday, oh!

# And we're going to celebrate with... #

Will both of you just stop? Please, not now.

So when do you reckon they'll let me have Lexi?

I wouldn't go painting the nursery just yet.

Once we file the application to the court, they'll appoint

a lawyer to look into your personal life, home, work...

What's going on with Shirley?

Nothing.

Going to be a lot easier convincing the courts you're the right person

for Lexi if you're in a stable relationship

with people who can support you.

-She ain't an option.

-You'd at least look like you're a happy family.

We don't need her, all right?

You're a recovering alcoholic with a son on remand for murder.

You're hardly a poster boy for the social services.

If you can't handle this, if you're out of your depth,

I'll find another brief, all right?

I'm on top of it.

Good. You better be.

Look, there's no reason why social services should get to know about

your health issues, but keeping Ben out of it's going to be difficult.

Couple of teas to take away.

-Nothing else we need to address?

-Like what?

The slightest whiff of anything illegal or unpleasant,

proven or otherwise, and social services will run a mile from you.

No, nothing.

Good.

I'll test the water and see what they throw back at us.

If we can convince them you're a model family man,

I'm sure they'll let you have the kid.

Morning, Kim.

Ah, Patrick, lifesaver.

Man, I'm starving. Denise cooking breakfast?

No. Thanks to Zainab, she's working full time at the Mini Mart,

so I'm cooking solo.

Don't worry yourself about me, I'll get something down at the cafe.

No, no, don't go, don't go. I need some help.

SHE SCREAMS

SHE YAWNS DRAMATICALLY

Good morning. Could you finish laying the tables, please?

I'll be with you in a minute.

OK? Thanks.

Thought you'd forgotten about me. Where do you want me to start?

The Merc, take it down the breakers' yard.

-You want me to see if I can get it past the MOT?

-No. I want it lost.

When you get to the breakers', only speak to Micky. Tell him to box it.

No paperwork. Give him this.

Whatever you say.

Right answer.

When you've done that, you can have the rest of the day off.

Really? Thanks.

This Suzuki. Can I have it?

Have it? It's worth over a grand done up.

-Really?

-Yeah, really. But take it as it is,

you can have it for 500 quid.

500 quid's a bit steep for me. I suppose I could go to 350.

No.

I can get my hands on 465, cash.

-HE EXHALES

-Yeah, all right, go on then.

-If I find you working on it in my time you're out the door.

-OK. Deal.

Good morning, your breakfasts are here. Yes, I know, your coffee!

So here we have half a full English, thank you, beans on bread.

Yes, I know, your tea is coming. It's on its way. It's coming.

Babe, you all right?

They're just so demanding. Food, drinks, bread!

-Babe, it's a B&B.

-My back's hurting me.

-Really?

-Yes.

-Seemed like it was all right last night.

Yeah, well, I didn't want to say anything.

It's been hurting me for some time now.

Sounds like you need a good soak, babe.

But I've got to do the I got breakfasts...

Babe, look I'd love to help but I got to go to the Vic.

I've got some slow-cooked lambs to sort out.

It hurts.

-GROANING

-Right down there.

All right, all right, all right.

Tell you what, I'll sort these breakfasts out,

I'll run you a bath but I can't stay too long, all right?

OK. Yeah. Thank you.

SHE GIGGLES

Sorry!

-Morning.

-You might be getting a visit.

Nice to see you too.

Immigration.

What have you been up to?

Nothing. It's just some decorators I used at the Vic.

Show 'em an invoice, prove you thought they were legal.

It was a cash job. It was two coats of emulsion and a coat of gloss.

I didn't ask for their life stories, did I?

Didn't pay them with these then? They're fake, counterfeit.

We must have at least 500 quid's worth.

Nothing to do with me.

Won't mind if I go to the police then, will you?

No old bill and no publicity.

I don't want any trouble being stirred up for me.

Never worried you before.

I never tried to get care of anybody's kid before. Lexi.

You? I thought the idea was to help Lola?

And the best way to do that is to offer to have her.

How are you going to bring up a baby on your own? DOOR BUZZES

Have you forgotten how hard it is to bring up children?

Well, I'll make it work.

As long as everyone remembers that I'm the perfect family man,

who never gets into any trouble.

Hello? Who?

Get rid of 'em.

I'm just on my way out. I'll come to you.

Lauren. Your mum's on the war path.

You're meant to be at home doing this fitting.

-I'm sure whatever she's chosen...

-Home! Now! Don't be cheeky.

-All right?

-Yeah, not too bad.

Very pleased with the ad you done, by the way.

Well, the ad we did.

Here, Max, I reckon you could utilise my skills out the car lot.

Well, whenever I want an ad, I'll give you a shout.

Not advertising, sales. You're out there on your own now, aren't ya?

Reckon I could make the perfect junior sales executive.

Uh..

Joey, I've got a car to drop off. Come and see me after that, yeah?

Lauren, got time for a coffee?

-No, sorry.

-Home, now, please.

Maybe later then.

Look, we will get him a present.

It'll take more than a CD and some aftershave to get him to forgive me.

He's your brother, he'll forgive you.

Why?

Because he's a very nice man, from a really lovely family.

-Really?

-Mad, but lovely.

-Well, congrats on your big day, guys!

-Poppy, thanks.

-Thank you.

I love a wedding. The flowers, the dresses...

The dresses that...the other guests wear.

Babe, don't worry about it. Syed went full out, veil, tiara,

30 foot train.

THEY LAUGH

-I'll see you at the Vic later, yeah?

-What for?

Fats wants to take Tamwar for a birthday drink.

Course he does. And yes, you will see us later.

-Cool. See you later, guys.

-See you, babe.

-We can't go.

-Why not?

Well, apart from destroying my family, I haven't got him a present!

Well...

how about something like this?

He's 22. He's not about to retire.

Might be good for interviews.

Don't think it's a good idea to remind him he hasn't got a job.

-Why don't we ask him himself?

-No.

Tam!

Happy birthday.

Thanks.

So what do you want?

What do I want? Nothing. I've got everything I could possibly want.

Tambo.

I am going to go to McKlunky's finest cuisine,

and see if they've got any vacancies for failed restaurateurs.

We are going to find him something perfect, all right?

You all right, Phil?

It's your lucky day, your chance to be a hero.

Really?

You've got to tell them Borders Agency geezers

it was you that hired them decorators.

How's that make me a hero then?

-Taking one for the team.

-Which team?

My team, which is the only team you need to worry about.

Phil, listen, I've got my licence to think about,

any more trouble with the old bill and they could take it off me.

You won't need a licence if I get nicked for this, cos you

won't have a pub to worry about, or a newly decorated flat to live in.

So what do you think?

Yeah, yeah, they're all right.

They're a bit long.

I did think the neck line was just going to be a bit lower.

You're bridesmaids, not pole dancers.

Anyway, not being funny,

but everyone's going to be looking at me.

-All right, girls. You look lovely.

-Oh, hello, what you doing here?

-I'm interviewing him for a job.

-What, here?

-Yep. I need an audience.

-Jay's job?

Jay was a gopher, this is sales.

It's a special skill, not everyone can do it.

Well, if you can do it...

Excuse me, Joey, I've had years of experience.

Years and years and years.

Everyone thinks they can be a salesman, don't they?

-He's got a big enough gob.

-Thanks, yeah.

-It does help.

That and lying.

What you talking about, lying? We might embellish but we don't lie.

Lies are like sales warranties. Come back and bite you, don't they?

-Right, you show me what you can do.

-What, now?

Yeah. Go on, I'll make it easy for you, all right.

Abi believes everything she's told. Sell her that motor.

That's not true.

Nah, nah, I'd rather have a challenge, thank you. No offence.

Madam, I see you're very interested in this car, nice choice.

Great body work, lovely lines, nice souped-up little engine.

-It's over-priced.

-Some say that you get what you pay for.

-But not what you always deserve.

-What you doing?

It's only rain, you're going to get that as a salesman, carry on.

Nice one, thanks.

Perhaps madam would like to take her out for a test drive to see

how elegantly she handles in the wet?

Who underwrites your guarantees?

Excuse me, no trick questions.

All our previous customers have been satisfied.

Perhaps you'd like to read some of their feedback.

-Ooh! Positive customer feedback!

-Will be once I've written them.

Writing your own reviews. Why does that not surprise me?

You're right. Words are cheap. Nothing compares to the real experience.

So how about I take you for a little test drive

-and show you what all the fuss is about?

-Very good.

Definitely a chip off the old Branning block, ain't he?

Yep. Yep, he's definitely a Branning.

-All right. You start tomorrow, on commission.

-Nice one.

Congratulations.

I hate to let a sale go.

Oi.

What's wrong with you?

What is your problem?

Your dad just offered me a job.

You and Whitney?

It was just a kiss, Lauren.

Well, when are you going to tell Lucy about it then?

Why would I do that?

He's got a lot on his mind.

What with your mum and that? Sorry, Tam.

That's all right. And thanks for the birthday rap.

It's all good in the hood, bruv.

You know, it's your big day, ain't it?

That's the thing, I don't want a big day, I just want a normal day.

A small day.

I want my wife to go home to, Mum nagging me about the restaurant.

Here, Tam, listen mate, did you ever have any

employment issues in your restaurant?

Alfie, bruv.

Oh, duh, mate, sorry, I'm being insensitive.

-Listen, top bhuna by the way.

-Thanks.

Just wondered if you ever had any staff problems with people who...

-People that...shouldn't be working?

-Why would we?

No, no reason, just that maybe you employed people that

weren't from round here.

Round here? Yeah.

Oh, we did, we had a guy, he was from south London.

Well, that's disgraceful. I'm sorry.

No. All our staff were British, taxed, NI.

Hold tight. Are you looking for cheaper bar staff?

-Why, do you know any? Oh, I'm only joking.

-Hey, come on, man!

-I'm just about getting by already.

-At least you've got a job.

How do you fancy, this is an idea, OK?

How do you two fancy earning a score each?

-You're still here?

-Yeah. Wanted to keep it tidy.

OK, now here, this is a shopping list,

you're out of almost everything, babe.

Also the guy up in room five, he wanted to stay another night,

and a dude from Manchester rang about a deal on a month's stay,

-and apparently the radiator in the bathroom's leaking.

-Oh.

On the brighter side,

I found this when I was clearing out the bins.

Oh!

-A little present for you.

-It's pretty.

Hey, P.

Everything OK? I mean, anything I can do?

Nah, nah, we're good.

Look at that, look. Nice, innit?

Oh, you found it! Cora's bracelet.

Man, she is going to be pleased with me.

Thank you, honey, thank you. Yeah, man.

Babe, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I've got to go.

All right, thanks.

-Stupid thing!

-Hey, what you doing?

It's not all there, the last pages are missing.

All right, all right, calm yourself down.

I got it in the market and it's about two bunnies,

one big one and one small one and they look after each other.

Don't get yourself all worked up.

No, cos I thought Lexi was my little bunny.

I thought it was a sign and that she would come home

-and everything would be all right.

-It will be all right, I can fix it.

No, you can't!

She's going to have a proper book

with all the pictures and nothing missing.

I can make that brand new!

We can write our own ending, can't we?

I wanted to read it to her, when she come home.

That might not be for a while yet.

Phil's going to get Lexi home soon, right?

Listen, Lo, I wouldn't rely too much on Phil at the moment.

He means well but...

He's still got a lot on his plate, hasn't he?

What with Ben, Shirley leaving.

At the end of the day, it's down to us now.

Me, you and Lexi. Our own little family.

DOORBELL RINGS

Things ain't going to change overnight.

Yeah.

KNOCK ON DOOR

I'm coming.

-All right, Phil?

-Anyone been asking after me?

Asking after you? No. Why? What's the matter?

Just wanted to make sure no-one's been

poking their nose into my business?

-Why would they?

-No reason.

Just so long as we all remember to play happy families,

everything will be fine.

You can count on us.

Bought it for Lexi down the market but the poxy thing's broken.

Well, if you want some books...

No, Phil.

Go up to Stratford, get her some new books, yeah,

-nice ones, with pop up pictures and all that sort of thing.

-Thanks.

-I'll catch you later.

-See you, mate.

Oh, no.

Looking good, nephew.

Looking perfect, I'd employ 'em.

Well, as we rehearsed, I did. Well, actually Phil did. Don't forget.

Is this actually legal?

It's not...illegal, is it? It's probably a bit...un-legal.

Amazing, so what happens if they want to interview us?

Nothing to worry about. You're all legit, aren't you?

-Yes!

-Good! Well, there's nothing to worry about.

Yeah, but we don't want to get him busted on his birthday, man.

It's your birthday. Why didn't you say?

Well done.

All right, mate. Look. Well?

This is it? Your great master plan?

Yeah. We'll just tell Immigration our decorators here

are 100% British kosher and whoever grassed em up must be racist.

-Yeah, it's got its flaws, but...

-Just get out of here, please.

-Thing is...

-Now! Get out of here!

-Go, go, go, go!

-All right fellas, you OK? All good?

-Mr Moon.

-Yes, sir.

We still haven't been able to find Mr Mitchell.

I know, see, now, what I need to tell you...

You didn't try very hard. I'm Phil Mitchell.

I need to talk to you about some work you had done a few weeks ago.

I think you'll find that my tenant

can answer all your questions.

Yeah, I can do that, that's good. Any questions you want.

Like, the meaning of life, is there a God, will West Ham win?

Sorry, I know what you actually want to talk about, the decorators.

Funny, it's an interesting story, right...

Before I do tell you, this won't affect my drinks licence, will it?

Alfie, shut up, will you?

-I employed the painters.

-So you're legally responsible, Mr Mitchell.

I believed they were kosher.

It's your job to check every employee has a right to work here.

It's our job to prosecute people who use illegal labour.

Sorry, I'm late, Mr Mitchell, busy day.

Here's the paperwork for the decorators.

What does this have to do with you, Mrs Rickman?

It's an invoice, from the company Mr Mitchell employed to do the work.

Sorry, couldn't find it earlier.

You do realise that the men you were using were illegal?

Mr Mitchell paid a British registered company in good faith.

He did not enter into any direct negotiations with the labour

and therefore cannot be held responsible for their employment status.

That is correct isn't it?

We will look into this a bit further. We'll be in touch.

We will get the invoice back, won't we?

Only, the tax man will need to see it.

Take care, fellas. All the best.

Sharon, that was brilliant. Well done.

Why didn't we think of that?

Because it's the truth, the law.

Maybe we should try it. Drinks on the house.

How'd you get hold of get the invoice?

I had to pull a few favours. But it's a one off, Phil.

Do not get me involved in any of your schemes again. All right?

Whitney.

You got five minutes?

Going for a drink with Tamwar, you want to come?

No, no, not in the Vic, somewhere private. It's about Joey.

Tam!

So I was thinking, if you guys got some spare time,

the front of the house could do with a coat of paint.

-Funny, really funny.

-Hold tight, man, we could do that.

-Are you being serious?

-You haven't had any better offers, have ya?

It is looking a bit grubby, ain't it?

Mind if we join you?

Yeah, of course, let me get you a drink, Syed?

Orange juice and lemonade.

Good Muslim. Christian?

Vodka tonic.

Now you're married, does that mean you're my nephew in-law?

Yeah, baby.

We got you this. It's about the greatest ever stand-ups.

Thanks.

Oh, right. Silly me, I went to look for you at the Arches,

but, no, you're here buying drinks with my money.

-I'm not buying drinks with your money.

-Deny you took it then.

No, but I'm not buying drinks with it, I bought a motorbike with it.

-Oh, well, that's all right then!

-For... Tamwar's birthday.

What? Oh, it's the 23rd.

Yeah.

What's going on?

Your uncle has bought you a motorbike with our jar money.

You bought me a motorbike?

A present.

I thought we could do it up together. He forgot!

Tam.

Can't believe you forgot.

Tam, I'm sorry, I feel awful.

What's he doing here?

He came and he brought me a present, OK.

You invited him?

I didn't invite him.

You sit there with him after everything he's done to our family!

Dad, I didn't invite him! I didn't invite any of them. OK.

I didn't invite him, who buys me a motorcycle,

which is practically the vehicle that my wife left me on.

I didn't invite the world's worst birthday rapper

or his beat-boxing sidekick.

I didn't invite the lunatic who's decided to join our family

or the brother who sank the family business and then let me

take the fall for it.

And I didn't invite you because you forgot my birthday.

You forgot.

I didn't invite any of you. But...

I'm still glad you're here.

Cos this is all I want for my birthday.

Us all sitting around, pretending to be normal over a drink.

So I'm going to go wild and get some dandelion and burdock.

-Just a lemonade.

-OK.

It's all going to be all right, you know that?

No, it's not, but we'll get through it.

Happy birthday.

I didn't tell the police about the forged notes.

Thanks.

I didn't do it for you. It's what's best for the club.

I just want Lexi growing up amongst her family.

One hell of a family.

Could be. Could be a great family.

Not unless you've got relations I don't know about, Phil.

Social Services, they'd love you, wouldn't they?

I mean, you're great with kids, you're reliable...

If...

If we was a couple, you and me,

Lexi'd be back in no time at all, wouldn't she?

Except we're not a couple.

We could be.

Right, you better wash all that up you know, when you're done.

No. Chefs don't wash up!

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, I'll get that then, shall I?

Yeah, you get that.

-All right?

-All right?

Shoes off.

-Excited to see Lexi then?

-Yeah, if they actually turn up this time.

She'll be here.

The more I seem to tidy up this place, the worse it gets.

-I mean, look at the state of that furniture...

-Oi!

Do you mind popping round later? When Lexi's here?

Erm, Abi's skiving off school so we can go bowling.

She's going on a school trip for three weeks, ain't she, so...

Jay doesn't need to be here, it'll be fine.

Yeah, you're right.

Now I've got Phil Mitchell backing me up, I roll hard, innit?!

DOORBELL RINGS

-Hiya.

-Hey.

Come through.

Yeah.

Well?

The number.

How'd you get it?

She got arrested. She got into a fight about a month ago.

Tell me the old, old story.

Now, when this turns out to be a disaster,

you did not get this number from me.

Thanks, Jack.

I owe you.

ANSWERPHONE MESSAGE

Rainie? It's Mum.

I've thought this through, Phil, and I can't get involved.

You're joking.

-It's a big deal.

-What, putting your name down on a form?

Lying to Social Services. Pretending we're a couple.

I have moved on from this stuff.

Without you we ain't got a hope!

What am I supposed to do, Sharon,

pretend that this is some family home, or something?

I mean, have a look around you, will you!

I need you, Sharon. That baby needs you.

Don't you dare put that on me.

I'm sorry. I can't do it.

Yeah, all right, babe, I'm only two minutes late. Give me a sec.

Yeah. Ta-ta.

PHONE RINGS

What now?

-I swear the bridesmaid dress has actually given me a rash.

-Nice.

It would be the bridesmaid dress

and not that jumper you haven't washed since your dad used hair gel.

-Weren't that long ago.

-What's he doing here anyway?

Come to get this lovely reading material.

You want me to read both of these? Today?

Dad, give him a chance.

He'll need to learn how to read written English first.

Yeah, very funny. Not just the pretty face, eh?

Comic voice of your generation an' all.

You're lucky. Most people get one bible, you got two.

-Now, go on, get going.

-All right, see you later.

Get your dad to stop texting me, will you?

-I'm not choosing a best man yet.

-He's not choosing him anyway.

-Amen.

Hello, Mum, you come for your breakfast?

Or have you got some news for me?

No, cos that would mean you'd actually done some digging.

You have heard something.

Course I haven't.

Mum, the toast's burning.

-I'm not making any!

-Mum!

Heaven forbid you should actually deal with it yourself, Lauren.

Was that Nan?

Yes it was. Looking for a free meal.

Does that remind you of anyone?

-Mum?

-DOOR CLOSES

You all right, Phil? You look troubled. Care to unburden yourself?

You all right, Jack? You spoken to Max?

-Alice. You look lovely. Gorgeous.

-Stop messing about.

What you talking about, Derek?

About this best man thing?

Oh, yeah, he did mention something. Cheers. What was it?

-HE EXHALES

-Gone. See you later.

See you later.

-Hiya, Jack.

-How you going? You all right?

-Yeah.

Phil! They're bringing Lexi round later.

-You'll pop round, right?

-I'm busy round the Arches.

You should introduce yourself to Trish. You're the grandad.

-I doubt that'd help.

-You can't just say that and then say...

Listen, I ain't a miracle worker, all right.

Social Services want a family. And we ain't a family.

(OK...?)

You giving this place a lick of paint or you skipping school?

Can you get hold of Denise's car today?

Probably. Why?

You're taking me to see Rainie.

You can keep saying it didn't mean anything till the end of time,

they're not going to see it that way.

How am I going to tell Tyler?

No, you got to tell Lucy first. He's using her, Whitney.

-After everything she's been through.

-I know.

-So when's your break?

-You can't preach, Lauren.

You slept with Darren the night before his wedding.

Yes, I know, so I'm talking from experience.

Yeah, and you sound like someone's mum.

-Whitney, when's your break?

-12.30.

Well, there you are!

I've been waiting at the bus stop like a lemon for 20 minutes!

You can't get me to ditch school to hang out and then ditch me!

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Jay, has something happened?

-Think we should burn it?

-Whatever.

Don't start just cos I said no. You've got a visitor.

Ritchie wouldn't let me back in the office till I found you.

I was beginning to think I'd...

If I'd wanted to talk to you, I'd have answered my phone.

Yeah, but...

Anyway, forget about Lexi.

I don't need Social Services sniffing round my house.

Here, if this is a guilt trip it's not working!

I'm not here about Lexi! I'm here about Ben.

CPS have dropped the murder charge.

They're going to sentence him for manslaughter, Phil.

Manslaughter?

Yeah. It's over.

How is it over?

Well, there's no trial now.

Right...?

So I haven't got to testify.

I haven't got to be the one to send him down.

Oh, that's amazing, isn't it?

Yeah.

You don't sound like it's amazing.

Well, it's almost like none of this needed to happen.

Getting kicked out and all that.

Do you think...do you think Phil will be all right with me now?

Why do you care?

Because I'm unemployed, and I'm living at a B&B.

What, so you'd just go back to him?

I'm not saying that.

-Well, what then?

-I don't know!

Where are you going? Jay, talk to me.

This is good news, isn't it? I don't get it.

No, you don't get it.

Is she clean?

Doubt it.

She'll find a way to turn this into a crisis.

Get angry. Get drunk.

You sure you want to put yourself through that?

I'm not doing it for me. I'm doing it for Tan.

She wants Rainie brought back into the fold.

You want me to come in with you?

I think I can handle my own daughter.

That's what I'm afraid of.

What's that supposed to mean?

You know Rainie. You've got to deal with her the right way.

And I can't manage that?

You got to admit, Cora, you can be blunt.

-Stop the car.

-What?

This is close enough. I've been handling Rainie for years.

Blunt happens to work. Now, stop the car.

OK.

-I can't do this.

-No, you have to.

-Why do you care?

-Cos...

come on, she's got a bonkers dad, she's got a little brother to

look after, she's got loads of businesses to run.

You've got to, she needs to know.

Needs to know what?

Right, I'll leave you to it, yeah?

I need to know what?

It's a start. Everyone around the table, no-one died.

Exactly. Least before they hated me. Now Dad just looks broken.

Baby steps. We gatecrash tomorrow. They can't chuck you out at Eid.

Nah, we'll have our own feast. 'Bout time you were fully initiated.

Sounds kinky.

TEXT ALERT

You got a text.

I know.

Going to answer it?

It's a text, Christian, it's not a 999 call.

I should go and see him. Tell him that he's a dad.

-At last.

-You lost your right to an opinion when you turned your back.

Your life is not my responsibility!

What if...I don't know, what if... What if he was going to marry Lola,

would that help with getting custody?

Married?!

Would it? I mean, the CPS are saying it's an accident now.

-Not quite.

-Well, say that Ben wants to have Lexi in his life -

and he's going to be out in about a year.

Phil, you don't know that.

They'll get married and and live with the grandad. Me.

That's got to mean something, hasn't it?

Yeah, but...

It's a lot better than what we got now, innit, you know!

A dad who's banged up for murder and a teenage Billy Mitchell for a mum!

Sure, sure, sure, sure. It's just...

Well, you know, I heard Ben was...

You heard what?

I'll try and get him to agree to a meeting.

-This is madness.

-This is none of your business!

Hey.

Babe. Listen, do you reckon you can get tomorrow off?

Somehow I doubt it.

Yes, love?

Bloody Mary, darling.

Look at them two together.

She should be with her mum.

She's getting bigger.

She's being well fed.

I fed her well. You're the one giving her colds!

I was simply letting you know she's being looked after.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get that.

Where's he going...?

What you doing here?

She was in a state this morning. She had make-up all over her face...

Just shut up, will you? Just shut up and listen.

Now, Ben, he's being done for manslaughter.

So he could be out inside a year.

-Wow.

-Yeah, it's good news. Good news all round.

It'll be even better if that kid's got a proper family.

She's got one.

I'm talking about a mum and a dad. Married.

The judge might go easier on him.

-Social Services will love it, won't they.

-Married?

-Yes, married.

-No, you don't. Phil! Phil!

Listen, she was gutted this morning, all right.

Let's just keep quiet till we know what's what.

I'm not having her having any more knock backs.

Well, keep your phone on

-and I'll call you the minute I've heard from him.

-OK.

This is a serious amount of food.

Well, yeah, that's the point. TEXT ALERT

So have I got to get all dressed up for this thing tomorrow?

-Sy?

-What?

Yeah. New sari should do it.

Thought you'd never ask!

She'll forgive you.

Yeah? What about Tyler?

Well, at least Joey will get a kicking.

He's going to dump me, Lauren! Don't you care?

Why do you hate him so much anyway?

Five minutes ago you thought he was the business.

That was before he messed with us!

D'you know what the worst thing is? I can't stop thinking about him.

After all that you've been through to be with Tyler?

I know. I just can't stop myself!

Well, you better sort yourself out, Whitney, OK?

Because he is not Ryan Gosling.

You're not betraying a friend for the spawn of Derek Branning!

When you think about it I should be the best man.

DOORBELL RINGS

I was there when Max was born.

I taught him to ride a bike, I gave him his first dead leg.

Oh, I bet he remembers that fondly.

-Hey. Come in.

-Hi. Thanks.

Do you want some lunch? Dad's making some.

Actually, I was wondering if I could have a word? About Joey?

-Yeah, sure, what do you want to know?

-Dad, she's asking me.

Well, I know a thing or two about me own son as well, you know.

I was there when he was born.

You were around when everyone was born. What was Jesus like as a baby?

Good as gold. Slept through the night and loved his mother.

All right, I get the message. Girls' talk.

Eat that sandwich.

Did you ever meet any of Joey's girlfriends?

One or two.

What was he like with them?

Have you guys fallen out?

No. Just interested.

Well, it's difficult with Joey, really.

Cos even if he really likes somebody, which is hardly ever,

except for with you obviously...

Just... Please.

Erm... Well, he's just not very good at showing it.

-Like, it's hard to tell.

-Right.

I suppose there is one thing.

When he was younger he really liked this girl

and he was always putting her hair behind her ear.

Is everything all right?

Forgot the mustard.