20/11/2011 EastEnders Omnibus

Morgan, you're supposed to take this one out.

-Snap!

-Oh! For crying out loud, this ain't good for me.

All right.

There we go, darling, those are yours. Stick 'em on the pack.

Here, you don't know how to play draughts, do you?

Thought not.

How about playing sleeping lions?

-Snap!

-Oh!

DOOR BANGS

Coffee?

No, I'm fine.

Poppy?

It's all right, sweetheart. She'll get over it.

I kissed her boyfriend.

All right.

So, where you going to live now then?

I've no idea.

All right?

Jode? Jodie!

-Do you want a coffee?

-No, I've got a coffee. Thank you for asking.

So, you've gone from both to none, then?

-Cheers, Alfie - just what I need right now.

-Bit of a mess.

-Yeah, well, it wouldn't have been if it wasn't for...

-Morning, bro!

All right, Alf, want a coffee?

No, I've got a coffee, thank you.

Well, you could have made me one! Can't sleep for all this slamming.

What brings you to this happy house?

I promised I'd keep an eye on the pair of you after last night.

I didn't know he fancied her! I thought I was doing him a favour.

-Oh right. So, what are you going to do about it then?

-About what?

The house, if it falls down with all the door slamming.

It's not my problem if they all go mental, is it?

Well, you know, women are weird with other women,

it's like a delicate balance.

You like coffee with your sugar then, do you?

Anyway, my advice would be...

Hang on. Your advice?

Yes, Tyler, my advice would be to get the girls to be friends again.

They feel safer when they're in couples -

that's why in the pub they always go to the khazi in pairs.

That way, Anthony can apologise and at least make some reparations

in his attempt to woo the young Jodie. There you go, sorted.

Look... Let me get this straight.

You, Alfredo Moon, are giving...

me, Tyler Moon, advice on women?

Yes! Take it or leave it, but how many happily married men do you know?

That's like Audley Harrison telling Muhammed Ali how to box.

Is that right? Let me tell you something, sunshine,

if you ever want to speak to your brother again,

if I was you, I'd listen to Audley.

Phil!

-Phil!

-What?

-Come here!

Yes?

-It's open.

-So close it.

Did you lock up last night?

Yeah, I did.

Well, I found it like this!

Maybe Ben went out this morning?

Go and ask him.

-No.

-Stop avoiding him.

Is anything missing?

I don't think so.

Right. Then, who cares, eh?

Only if you're sure. I'll save you some.

Providing Afia doesn't eat it all - it's her favourite.

-What's wrong with Mum?

-She has a headache, needs the darkness a while longer.

Khir isn't something you should eat every day,

not if you wish to keep all the teeth in your head, but once in a while...

Problem?

You know, actually, I'm going to go to the shop,

get Mum some Tiger Balm, so...

Speak.

Tam and I were wondering...er... you and his mum...

What's going on? Do you live here?

My intentions are honourable.

Dad...

I want you to have a close family around you and...

I want to be with Zainab.

What?

But I can't make her.

Dad! It's haraam.

What is?

For you and Zainab to marry.

Divorce is more common these days.

Forget divorce! You're related.

If you marry her, Tamwar and I are being...

Look, according to Hanafi Islam,

if my father marries my husband's mother,

well then, our relationship becomes incest.

You will shame us.

Did you tell him it would be icky?

I didn't use those exact words.

What's this about, Phil?

I don't know, do I? It's just a couple of old photographs.

-Yeah, of somebody else's kid.

-Don't start.

Somebody is trying to tell us something.

Well then, they should've texted, shouldn't they?

-What?

-Look, I've got to get down the Arches - Alfie's been moaning, all right? Come on.

No. No! Who is this?

I haven't got a clue, you know. Somebody's on a wind up, ain't they?

If you get wound up, then they've won, ain't they? So relax.

And this photo, I mean, this was taken years ago - whoever this is,

they're older than me now.

There's no more kids, all right?

Is he ever going to go back to school?

Ben?

If they're coming after you, shoot them, don't mess about.

Double B offline, I won't be long.

What?

Have you been out today?

Well, you go to school tomorrow, you hear me?

Who are you talking to?

Just a mate... and two girls from Leeds.

They want me to give them sniper cover.

Well, shoot a bad guy for me, yeah?

Double B back online. You still there?

Put this on. I'm selling these online, you can model.

Nope.

Stop being a Mary, all right? It's just some skirt.

It's all right for you, isn't it?

I mean, getting a woman's like flagging a taxi down on a quiet day.

For me, Ty, it's different, innit?

It's permanently one o'clock in the morning on New Year's Eve!

There's hardly any taxis, yet everybody wants one.

Get a bike.

I like Jodie.

Talk to her, then.

She won't!

-Alfie said something that might help.

-Alfie?

That really worked with you and Whitney, didn't it?

Yeah, I know - desperate times, though.

Not a clue.

Any bells?

No, nothing ringing here. Who is it?

I don't know. I found it. I thought it might be someone's relative

and they might want it back.

Well, whoever's dropped it probably don't care that much.

-Where'd you find it?

-Pinned to the back of my flaming door.

-Eh?

Well, he's an improvement on Phil, congratulations.

Yeah? And what would you know about him?

Oh, hang on.

Ooh, yes, it's coming to me now, he's a Libra, and he's got a scar

on his forearm, and his favourite band is Metallica...

Really got you rattled, ain't it?

Are you feeling better?

Yes, much.

I told Denise I would go in now.

I didn't put enough sugar in the...

It's fine.

You know, we should talk.

I'm a passionate man, Zainab,

and sometimes that passion comes out in ways I don't want it to.

For that, I'm truly sorry, but I will make everything OK.

I love you...

..and we should be together...

always.

-I brought it in for the brakes, now none of it works!

-Jay didn't touch the engine.

It's like going to the dentist. You go there for a filling and they pull all your teeth out!

It's like going for a filling and then your ears fall off -

-nothing to do with the job!

-When I drove in it worked,

and now it's deader than disco.

All right, we'll find out what's wrong and fix it,

-but you're paying for it.

-What?

I've got to do cash and carry, you're killing me.

Please.

All right, but the customer's coming back tonight,

so not so much as a scratch.

You the man.

You beauty!

Oh, why is your... you know, whatever you call her,

showing pictures of young men around?

Apparently, I'm top of the list.

If it's a list of people you've crossed,

I don't think there'll be enough paper in the whole of Walford.

Get back on your broom, Janine, will ya?

Ouch!

-She's at nursery and that's where she's staying.

-For what?

I'm just doing what social services said.

-Since when have you done anything you're told?

-Since now, all right?

-Leave us alone.

-Make you feel good, does it?

-Don't.

-Jack, please!

Don't try to help, it's not going to take away what you did to Christian.

I don't hear you complaining about having no roof over your head.

I need to talk to you.

Jodie, please don't leave like this. Wow, that's a lot of teddies.

You must like playing the grabber machine down the sea...

DOOR SLAMS

..side.

Kat, I've got to say, sweetheart, that Merc, it runs like a dream.

-One of these days, eh?

-I can see me in it now.

Racing green, bit of a soft top going on.

Booster seat, puke stains.

Sweetheart, can a man not have his dream? Yes?

-All right, Alfie?

-All right, darling?

Can I get a large G and T, please?

Yeah, sure, white mice and a slice?

Hold the ice - it'll just water it down.

That bad, eh?

You OK?

-You want to talk?

-No.

No, not about me.

Who's that?

That's what I want to know.

-There you go, sweetheart. Tab?

-Please. I ain't got a clue.

Who do you know that you think would want to wind up your cousin?

Are you joking? Isn't it easier to just write a list of who doesn't?

Yeah, he's quite a charmer, ain't he, that boy of mine.

CLATTERING

Jay?

Jay!

Oi!

-What?

-You take that out the box?

-Yeah - they're decent.

-Well, put it back!

All right!

And take your lunch.

How's my favourite girl named after a charity flower doing?

Don't be moody. Look, I want to help you.

I'm not in the mood to be honest, Ty. Tanya sent me home

because there's not enough work for me.

Oh, and my best friend's a cheat!

Right, then. I'll have me a...

..Hollywood, that sounds good.

Choose again.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Pedicure?

All right, then, sit down.

Is everything OK at home, then?

Yes, it's excellent, excellent.

Zainab.

We're low on waters.

-It tickles!

-Will you keep still?

So, will you have a word with her?

I don't know.

It's just...

me and Anthony would be gutted if we come between such a strong friendship.

We know what it's like, we're brothers, and you two, well, you're like sisters.

We are like sisters.

-Like twins.

-Yeah.

-Joined at the hip.

-Yeah.

So you shouldn't let her go, should you? Not without making up.

-What do you think you're doing?

-Well...

you and Anthony didn't work out so I thought me and you could hook up.

Nice day.

Yes, it is.

What way you going?

Er...this way.

Me too!

I, er... I don't suppose Kim's out?

She's in town.

Your place is empty?

It seems so. Allow me to make you a coffee?

So kind.

-All right?

-It was lovely to see you, Jane.

Afternoon, Heather, dear.

Are you sure? It looks a bit red.

There's nothing there - it's the light! Back to business.

Poppy won't listen to reason, either - we need another plan.

Or we just face the facts,

it's another New Year's Eve long walk home for Anthony Moon.

-This isn't yours.

-No, it's Poppy's.

What you doing?

Calling you a cab, bro.

-There's nothing wrong with it!

-I know.

-Here you are, anyway.

-No, no, no. But it started?

He got, like, ten feet and then it stalled - and it never came back.

-Can I eat mine, please?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyone come in this morning?

And did you leave the Arches at any time this morning?

I might have walked Abi to her bus.

All right, you can put that down and get in there. I want that tank draining.

-But we ain't supposed...

-Now!

Poppy, it's me, I got your text!

I'm glad you don't think I'm the worst person on Earth.

I didn't mean to break up you and Anthony, it's just...

something was missing and I stupidly tried to fill that gap with him,

but it wasn't right...

What text?

..And your dad was Darth Vader

and he takes his mask off and goes, "Luke, I am your father now,"

-and then he chopped my arm off...

-Have you quite finished?

-What? It was just a dream!

-Even your dreams are geeky.

I'm stopping you from watching any more sci-fi.

-I'll just use a Jedi mind trick on you, then.

-Ooh!

-Is that my dad? It is, isn't it?

-Yeah.

Good news!

Really?

-I saw a different Imam from the community mosque.

-Why?

He's helped me see, some teachings would denounce mine and Zainab's relationship,

while other scholars would deem it's permissible.

Since you and Tamwar got married before,

-your actions are not un-Islamic either.

-But...

Islam is a progressive religion, it understands there are more divorces these days.

The pressures of modern society take their toll.

-Dad, I...

-Divorce will always be frowned upon, but we must accept the failings of others.

But it doesn't matter who says what - people will still talk.

-Yes, but who will judge us?

-People!

No, I asked you a question.

Who will judge us?

It's one of the first things we learn.

Allah.

He will be the only one to judge us.

People talk.

But they don't get to judge.

I'm not trying to replace your mother...

but Zainab...

she makes me happy.

Do I have my daughter's permission?

Yeah.

Thank you.

-Khuda hafiz.

-Hafiz.

-Sorry, I, er, I saw...er, whatsisface...

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

What did your dad say?

I think it's about to get ickier.

So...what's missing?

It's just, you know,

I thought us being friends might have been enough.

Poppy, all I can say is I'm so sorry.

You are a dear, dear friend.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Oh, how cute is this?

Aww, Darren won it for me, Margate last year.

Oh, and this one is gorge!

Darren again, Valentine's fair.

Darren gave a little girl five pounds for that. She wanted ten.

I think I'm having an epi...thingy.

A fit?

No, no, no, an epiphany! Like when you hear angels.

I think I know what's missing.

Yeah, you were right. What is that?

You crack on, yeah?

ENGINE STARTS

How can one person have so much stuff?

Ladies!

-You two talking again, then? But you're still moving out?

-Mm.

So the text was a good idea?

Thank you. You know, I don't know what I'd do without my sister.

No problem! Perhaps we should all go out, celebrate friendship?

Oh, no! We're far too busy for that.

Doing what?

They're both moving out.

Yeah - Jodie's going to find Darren...

-And Poppy's moving back in with her mum.

-You don't have to go.

Yeah, I know.

But I want to.

WHISPERS

What about Anthony?

I need my man.

Will you see me out?

Of course.

Ah, well - worth a shot.

Bro? Win some, lose some.

Yeah. Oi, Audley! It's Muhammed.

I want a word with you.

VIDEO GAME PLAYS

Oh! Good shooting, Sammy. They ain't going to mess with us again!

That didn't sound friendly.

Well, Tyler is a young lad,

doesn't know how the world turns just yet, does he?

-And women, they're not an exact science.

-What did he say?

Told me to stick my advice where the sun don't shine.

I'm going to leave bed-hopping to the young 'uns -

I'm getting too old for all that nonsense.

I need to concentrate on my own relationship.

-That's what I need to do.

-Yeah, you do that.

Right, you lucky people, who's next?

Right, I'll pick up the rest of my stuff

when I've sorted everything with Darren.

I'll keep it safe.

We'll keep in touch, won't we?

You try stopping me.

You do understand?

Yeah. For the first time in my life, I think I do.

Look, the world is bigger than Wandsworth, Jodie.

It's Walford, not Wandsworth.

Oh, yeah!

# Direct me to the floor and turn it up some more

# I'm gonna get it on, on, on, on

# She makes me wanna oh, oh, oh, oh... #

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-And pause!

-Blimey, if I'd had a million guesses I wouldn't have thought it was going to be you.

-It's urgent, Pat.

Right, come in.

Morgan, get yourself some pop, darling.

Snap.

Yeah...

..snap.

"Ho, ho, ho."

-Are you joking?

-What?

That's foreign!

It's Dutch, innit?

That's all right. There's a lot of Dutch speakers in Walford(!)

Apparently the Amish community are setting up on George Street.

And they'll be into singing Santas?

-Come on, darl. You know how much we love a challenge.

-Living with you is a challenge.

-That's the spirit.

-Why are they here anyway?

Tyler needed somewhere to stash them, that's all. Ah, talk of the devil.

-You are out of order.

-Look, I was doing you a favour, all right? I was just doing what comes naturally.

Shut up now, you pair of tarts. You ready for a brisk day's trading?

Yes! Listen.

TOY SPEAKS CHRISTMAS MESSAGE IN DUTCH

Give us a full English, please, Shirl.

-That'll be 4.50.

-Right.

-You got a problem?

-Yeah. Sure I had a 20 in here earlier.

-Yeah. Don't pull that old stroke.

-No, really. I did. I swear.

All right, pops? Check out my new Fuggs.

-Don't put 'em on the table.

-Whatever. £20 on the market. What a bargain.

Guess that's your mystery solved.

-Do you like them?

-Yeah, seeing as how I paid for them.

I didn't think you'd mind. Look on them as an early Christmas present.

-What have I told you about taking things without asking?

-All right, sorry.

If you're off school, you'll have to pull your weight more.

I could just get a job.

-What, just like that?

-Yeah. Why not?

-You cannot let a girl...

-Or girls.

-Or girls, thank you, Tyler. ..come between you two.

-Because no girl is worth it.

-Cheers. Is that right?

No, hold on, except my beautiful wife who is an exception to the rule.

Come on lads, own up. Jodie and Poppy, they're nice enough.

-No, Alfie, they're more than nice.

-And to be fair, mate, when it comes to relationship advice, you suck.

Thank you, Tyler. They're not exactly...

-They're not exactly marriage material, are they?

-Who wants to get married?

-You two, one day.

You can laugh all you want, but all this jumping from bed to bed with different birds,

one day you'll meet the right girl and realise this argument is hot fuss over nothing.

-He is like a dog on heat.

-He's too sensitive.

-Come on!

Girls, girls, shut up. There's only one way to decide this, right?

This is by Moon mortal combat.

Or better still, who gets rid of the most of these at the end the day.

-You are toast.

-Yeah? Well, you're burnt toast.

-That don't even make sense.

I don't care how you shift 'em, just get them out the front room.

Come on, you heard the lady. Let's go, chop, chop. Let's move it. Go, go, go.

There you go, take that with you. That's it.

-She wouldn't.

-Why not? It's just her style.

She was only a little kid at the time.

-As far as she knew, it was an accident.

-Yeah, well, we'll soon see what she knows.

Phil...don't do anything hasty.

As if.

Get your Santas, singing Santas! All right, Mrs Beale? Anthony Moon, at your service.

It's Ms Clarke, actually. But just call me Jane.

All right, Jane, Tyler Moon. How about some Christmas lights?

-How about a singing Santa?

-I'll even put 'em up.

I bet you say that to all the girls.

I'm offended, I thought we had something special. Right, two packs do you?

-Oh, all right, then.

-I hope you've got an adaptor.

These lights have got that European plug on 'em.

Oh, right. I think I'll just leave it.

-How about a singing Santa?

-It's not really my thing.

-They're down with the kids at the moment.

-Really?

-Yeah. Little Bobby would love it. Be a great present.

-Go on, then.

Long as he speaks Dutch.

Just a little minor technical hitch, that's all.

"Ho, ho, ho".

D'you know, it's OK, really. I think I'll pass.

-Hello, boys. You having a nice day?

-What do you want?

-A job.

-You can forget about that, can't you?

-I could flog this gear, no problem.

-Might be worth giving her a go.

-What, so she can just set fire to everything again?

-Forget it.

She can't be doing no worse than you.

-Let's see by tonight who's sold the most then, yeah?

-Deal.

-Loser. Loser.

-You're hired.

Right, they got European plugs on 'em, right? Don't show the customers...

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, what a pleasant surprise.

You're lucky to have caught me in, I only just got back from the launderette.

Oh, that is fortuitous.

I was just passing and I thought I'd pop in

and drop off the advent rotas.

Oh, how very kind. Would you like a tea and a slice of my jam sponge?

Actually I'm just on my way to a Mayoral banquet.

Oh, how very grand.

Yes, indeed. And I was wondering if maybe you might like to accompany me.

Well, I'm not sure about that. Sounds a bit stuffy to me.

Nonsense.

It's an honour to be invited to such an important occasion.

Oh, well, in that case I'd be delighted.

Perhaps you'd like to come as well, Mrs Branning?

Me?

Of course. As my most cherished parishioner.

Oh, well, if you put it like that, I can hardly refuse, can I?

The same price as the last lot. Just drop 'em at the club.

Make sure she's not there when you do. Yeah. Cheers.

Surprise!

-Jane!

-Hello!

Hello, you.

Tan, are you all right? You don't look too well.

Yes, of course I am. No, I've had this flu thing. I can't shift it, that's all.

Look, if you're that ill, I can always come back a bit later.

No, don't be silly. Don't be silly. Come on in. Hello!

So you didn't hear anything she was saying to him?

Since when does anyone ever listen to what Janine has to say? What's this all about?

I think it's Janine who's behind these photos and everything.

-Janine?! Why would she do that?

-Why does Janine do anything?

-I still reckon it's one of your ex bunny boilers.

-Give it a rest!

I reckon it's Janine and I'm going to prove it.

-All right, calm down, Sherlock. I'm just saying.

-I just don't need any earache on top of all this.

You still coming down The Vic later on?

Nah. I've got some business to sort out down the club.

Suit yourself.

What you looking at, freak?

So can you do it?

Can Fats fix it? Yes, he can, bruv!

Sweet!

Here we go, Mrs Moon. Nice and tidy for you now?

-Yeah, you've done well.

-Thank you.

Girls, girls, your lunch is in the kitchen, let's go.

Kat, please can Tiff have a sleepover tonight?

-Yeah, course she can.

-We need to make cakes for Children In Need.

-You are talking to an award-winning chef, all right?

-Yeah, right(!)

-I can make the best beans on toast this side of Walford.

-Can you make cup cakes?

Yes, I can make cup cakes. I can make cup cakes, tea cakes. All sorts of cakes.

Come on, listen, never mind talking. Eat your lunch, next door. Let's go. Chop, chop, chop! Go, go!

-They're great, aren't they?

-Wait till they're a bit older and their hormones kick in.

I know, they don't stay young for too long, do they?

That's why we should make the most of Tommy before he grows up.

Santa... Talking Santa?

A-ha, Mrs Evans. You're looking particularly lovely today.

-What are you after?

-Can I interest you in some Christmas lights?

-No, thanks.

Come on, they match your earrings.

Why don't you save the patter for someone who weren't born yesterday?

Well, you certainly weren't born yesterday. What are you, 102?

Old enough to have seen a stream of gobby little mares like you

pass through this manor over the years.

All of them thought they were something special and you know what? None of 'em were.

-Hey.

-Hey.

-What are you doing?

-I told you I'd get a job.

Did you nick 'em?

Why do you always think the worst of me?

I don't, all right? I'm just looking out for you.

All right, see ya.

And I've had the police on the phone.

Woah, that's terrible.

Seems there's a shipment of dodgy Dutch Christmas goods doing the rounds.

Oh. That's really bad.

Yeah, exactly. And the police are planning a clamp down.

They're very keen on arrests.

Yeah, well they would be, in their line of work.

And in your position as landlord, you obviously hear things.

Mr Lister, you'd be amazed at some of the things I hear.

Enough to make your hair curl. Sorry, no offence.

None taken. So, I was wondering if maybe you could keep your ear to the ground.

Course I will, listen, my eyes and my ears are well and truly peeled.

And if I hear anything, Mr Lister, I promise you'll be first to know, my friend.

OK, you take care.

Don't worry about it.

Anthony, it's Alfie. Listen, change of plan.

Then Zainab forgave Yusef and let him stay.

And when Mas found out, that's when he walked out for good.

Right into your arms. How's it going with you two?

Great. Apart from never really getting much time alone.

What with Mas at the B&B and me with Syed and Amira.

Yeah. How is the princess?

Secretly glad to have got rid of Christian.

And generally...challenging.

Yeah, see, that's it.

I have visions of her making Syed scatter rose petals wherever she walks.

And peeling her grapes.

Filling her bath with asses' milk.

-Ian tried that once, you know.

-Stop it.

-No, no. But he was so tight, he used semi-skimmed instead.

-I've missed you.

-Me too.

And I've really missed having someone to talk to.

So, Tanya, how are you coping without having a man in your life?

Oh, I'm fine.

-Yeah. Really?

-Yes. Men are overrated, ain't they?

Well, when you're ready to have a relationship again,

you'll have them queuing up. Just like always.

So...any other gossip I should know about?

No. Same old, same old. You know what it's like round here.

No, no, I can't. I've got to get home.

-I promised Bobby I'd bake cakes for school.

-Oh, right.

Tell you what, why don't we go for a drink tonight?

Yes, I'd love to.

Well, that passed the time a little bit.

-You fancy a bit of lunch?

-No, I can't, got to get back to work.

-All work and no play.

-Yes, makes Janine a very wealthy woman.

Although, I might be able to schedule a little bit of time in tonight

for some meaningless escapism if you fancy it.

Yeah? I'll check my diary.

-You do that.

-All right. Vic, drink first? I know how to treat a bird.

Oh, come on, what, like a proper date?

Maybe.

OK. Could be fun.

All right.

I said to him, it might say bed and breakfast above the door,

but honey, if you want feeding, get yourself out of my bed and make your own breakfast.

-Sounds like you've got a keeper there(!)

-Please!

One day your prince will come.

-If Bealey can bag wife number five, there's hope for all of us!

-You're not wrong.

-Alfie, can I have a word?

-Yeah, course you can.

What's all that stuff doing back in the living room?

Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry, just that Lister was sniffing around

-so we had to get it shifted, that's all.

-I want it moved. Now!

Tell you what, why don't you and Kim get your gladrags on,

go and have a night out. When you get back it'll all be gone.

-Now we're talking.

-What about the kids and their cakes?

-I can take care of them.

-Nah, I'm not really in the mood.

-Well, I am.

Count yourself lucky your man is giving you a night off.

-That's right, sister, can I have an amen?

-Amen!

I am known as the epitome of the enlightened model male.

Regular Mary Poppins, eh? Practically perfect in every way.

-Yes, thank you. Don't get my missus into any trouble, all right?

-Me?

-Enjoy your chat with your journalist mate?

-Did you break in?

-I suppose you think you're clever.

-You'll pay for the damage to that door.

That door is the least of your worries, trust me.

-What do you want?

-You've been a naughty girl, Janine.

Philip, I never had you down as the role-play type.

Don't mess me about, all right?

You think this is funny, do you, eh?

Think it's funny dragging up the past? So what are you after?

Some sort of revenge for your old man? Because don't think he was innocent in what happened.

-I don't know what you're talking about.

-I told you, don't mess me about. I know it was you.

So what did you say to that journalist pal of yours?

Oh, yeah, I told him everything. All about your dodgy swan roast.

But it seems like the dodgy swan roast is the least of your worries.

Why exactly are you getting so worked up about this?

And what did you mean when you said my dad wasn't innocent?

You stay out of my business. You hear me?

And the results for the Christmas stock selling bonanza are in.

And the winner is...drum roll...

Tyler.

Yes! Which means you don't get to mention the girls again.

No, no, but...

Oi, oi, a bet's a bet, all right, mush? Ah, Mr Lister. How are you, sir? Any joy in your search?

Sadly not. It seems as if they got wind and moved on.

At least you saw 'em off one way or another. Fancy a drink? On the house.

-Very kind.

-What would you like?

-Bitter top?

-Us law-abiding citizens should stick together.

Hey, check this out, bruv!

And where did you get that from?

This? This...

This...I got...

live and direct from the mean streets of Brixton, bruv.

-Is that right?

-Uh-huh.

In that case, you don't mind if I take a little look at it?

No...not at all. Go for it.

TOY PLAYS JINGLE BELLS

"Ho, ho, ho, this is your MC Fat wishing you a jingle-icious Christmas!"

That certainly isn't Dutch.

Mind you, I'm not sure it's exactly English, either.

It's not, bruv, it's 100% fluent Fats, you get me?

All right, Fats. Good to see you.

-Bitter top?

-Yes, please, thank you.

"Ho, ho, ho..."

-Right, we all set then?

-Yeah.

-PHONE BEEPS

Everything all right?

Yeah, yeah. Just Masood.

Kim and Denise are out for the evening and he's got the place to himself.

You should go.

No, what about our night out?

No. We can go out anytime.

You should go. Just go.

I insist.

Thank you.

-I will make this up to you, I promise.

-Have a good one.

Where's Jane gone?

She got a better offer.

-That's a bit out of order, ain't it?

-No. Can't be helped, can it?

Did you...tell her about..?

No.

Why not?

I was enjoying having a laugh and a chat.

Tell you what, why don't I come out with you instead?

Oh, you don't have to do that.

No, I want to.

Besides, shame not to now you've gone to all that effort.

All right.

So I came out on top. Thanks to you. Good work.

-All right?

-All right.

-What was all that about?

That's who I was flogging the gear for. Told you I didn't steal it.

Oh, right. Sounds like you did good.

-Yeah. I sold out.

-So what you going to spend the money on?

-Already have.

-Lo, you were meant to be earning to pay me back for them boots.

Yeah, I know, but I saw this and just had to get it.

Think of it as an early Christmas present.

Not that you deserve it.

-Eh?

-Go on, open it.

For when you carry the Olympic flame.

Couldn't have you running around like a canary in that horrible yellow thing.

Going to buy me a drink to say thanks?

Don't push it. Go on. Get yourself home.

And Lo, thanks.

You're a good kid.

-Now go on, hop it.

-See you later.

-See ya.

Yes!

Oh, thank you ever so much, Vicar, for the delightful dinner.

Even if some people did take advantage of the free bar.

Got to get it while you can, haven't you?

Here, what about your announcement?

Oh, yes, right. Of course.

Ladies and gentlemen, could I have your attention, please?

Quiet, please!

I've just come from the Mayor's dinner and I have some very exciting news.

-You ain't been defrocked, have ya?

-Shirley Carter. Show some respect.

-Perhaps you should make the announcement, Mrs Branning.

-What, me? No, no, it ain't my place.

Well, someone tell us what's happening then.

The Olympic flame is coming to Walford!

CHEERING

-And you know who's going to be carrying that bad boy, don't ya!

-Yeah.

Me.

GIRLS GIGGLING

Girls, what are you still doing up, eh?

-This is well wicked.

-Can I have one?

-They're not really...

-Can I have one as well?

Ah, here she is. Ready for your night out?

I don't have to go out, if you don't want me to.

-No. You enjoy yourself, my princess.

-Princesses don't wear leopard-print dresses.

-Excuse me, young lady, princesses come in all shapes and sizes, all right?

-Like in Shrek.

-Exactly.

And while some people might think Princess Kathleen is a bit of an ogre...

-Charming!

-..she is, in fact, the most beautiful princess in the whole world

and she has the biggest heart in the land.

When I grow up, I want to marry someone just like you.

Ah, thanks, Tiff. Right, go on, both of you! Bed. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

All right? Janine been in?

Psst. Oi, cloth ears!

Still giving me the silent treatment, are you?

Fine. Would have been boring anyway, I suspect.

Service is slow tonight, innit?

Should you even be drinking with your treatment?

Tell you what, I'll do you a deal.

You don't mention my treatment and, umm...

And, umm..?

Can I have two G&Ts, please? Make 'em doubles.

I think you've got yourself a deal.

All right?

All right?

Something I should know?

Nope.

I must apologise for my sister, Vicar.

-For butting in like that and stealing your thunder.

-That's perfectly all right.

The important thing is that we spread the word.

Well, I know Jesus said spread the word, but it's hardly the same thing.

Rose, it's time we went.

I'm fine here. You do what you like.

Arthur, would you be so kind as to escort me home?

Absolutely, Mrs B.

Here... and whatever Patrick's having.

Not for me, thank you.

Come on, have a drink with me.

I know Phil's been a berk to you, but he's a berk to everyone.

OK then, if you put it that way... I'll have a rum.

That's the spirit. Forgive and forget. Oi, Vicar.

What's it say in the Bible about forgiveness?

Well, there are many bits in the Bible about forgiveness.

But my personal favourite is from Colossians...

"Bear with each other

"and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.

"Forgive as the Lord forgave you."

Nah, that's not it. But it'll do.

To forgiveness.

ALL: To forgiveness.

Wow, it is ram-jammed with talent in here tonight. Hello, boys...

Now, I just need to decide who is going to be the lucky recipient of some unadulterated Kimberley.

Oh, hello, come to mama. Cooee!

-Get off!

-What you doing here?

Don't worry, I haven't come to ask for my job back, all right?

I just...thought you might need a bit of company.

Yeah, well, I don't. So clear off.

You about to have a drink, were you?

What's it to you if I was?

I care about... I care about you drinking, that's what.

-You don't care about anyone but yourself.

-Is that what you think?

Just go, will you?

What's wrong?

Look at our history. You can tell me.

-Why won't you just tell me?

-Cos it's in the past and that's where it should stay.

If it's got something to do with my dad, I've got a right to know.

-You're better off not knowing. Trust me, please.

-This is just so typical of you.

Y'know, lording it over me as usual. Keeping me in the dark.

You are still trying to drive a wedge between me and my dad

even after all these years.

OK, fine. I'll tell you.

But you won't like it.

Yes, yes, you can both have a Fatboy Santa, all right?

-Now go to sleep, you two.

-Night, Alfie.

-Love you, Alfie.

-You're back early!

-Yeah, I'm a bit old for all that lark.

Listen to you, Kat Moon, party girl extraordinaire,

hanging up her party shoes.

Yeah, that'll be the day. Anyway, the two horrors are in bed.

And Tommy Moon is fast a-kip, all right?

-Mary Poppins strikes again.

-You better believe it.

Tell you what, why don't you go next door, put your feet up.

I'll bring in your knitting and a lovely hot cup of milk.

-I'm not quite there yet.

-We will be one day. And you know what I reckon?

-What?

Be the best days of our lives. Can see it now, me in my West Ham slippers, smoking a pipe like that.

You in your leopard-print support tights with a zimmer frame.

-Sounds perfect.

-And we'll be old and wrinkly, but we won't care cos we'll have each other.

And obviously Tommy Moon taking care of us.

And maybe other little Moons running around. Obviously not straight away. But that...

Alfie...

That'd be more up to you...

-Alfie.

-While the kids are asleep, me and you can start practising, eh?

I cheated on you.

I've been with someone else.

It was a one off, I swear.

The business was in a bad way and Frank was desperate for cash.

He paid Phil to torch the car lot.

And the last thing I remember is throwing the burning rag in,

and an explosion.

Later that night, they found the body of a young man there.

He'd been sleeping rough.

It was a terrible accident.

I burnt him alive.

So who was it then, Kat?

It was...

No, let me tell you who I think it was, yeah? He was young, sexy?

Did he have, like, a six pack, did he?

You look at me when I'm talking to you!

Too drunk to remember, were you, Kat? That what it was, yeah?

Then you went back to his posh flat, drinking his champagne...?

-Lighting up scented candles?

-No.

No?

No, he couldn't wait. We done it in the alley by the R&R, like animals!

-Why wasn't I told about it?

-You were just a kid at the time.

Did Ricky know?

So I was the only one that didn't know about it.

-Well, that's just typical.

-Your dad didn't want you to know.

He didn't want you involved.

He didn't want you to have to carry that burden.

How convenient. And of course I've only got your word for that, haven't I?

Why would I lie to you, Janine?

Because, Pat, you've lied to me my entire life!

That is all you've ever done, is lie!

If I've ever lied to you,

it's only to protect you, you stupid little girl!

See now, and there we have it, don't we? The truth right

at the very heart of the matter. That is all I ever was to you.

A stupid little girl that got in the way of you and my dad.

-You meant more to me than that and you know it.

-JANINE SCOFFS

I should go.

Stay and have a drink.

Please.

-You all right?

-Have you seen Alfie?

-He's just popped out.

-I need to find Alfie.

-What about Tommy?

-Jean's with him!

-What about this place? It's closing time soon.

Call time and lock up, all right?

-Kat said to lock up.

-All right, if I shoot off?

-Yeah, you shoot off.

That's time, ladies and gentleman. So thank you, but drink up, please.

-You been stood up?

-Don't worry, I'm sure your lot will be here soon.

Your coach load of mates. Probably just stuck in traffic.

Yeah. And who are you with, the invisible man?

-Oi, stick another one in there, will you?

-Sorry, but it's past time.

-Do you know who I am?

-Why, have you forgotten?

No, I think you pair of clowns have forgotten that this pub belongs to my old man.

I'm sorry, but it's past closing time and I've got to lock up.

Oh, I think you misheard Kat. She said, "Lock IN." Ain't that right, everybody?

SHOUTS OF ASSENT

-No chance with Jobsworth here.

-All right, then. I'll bolt the doors.

-Yeah, man!

-There's a good boy!

Alfie!

Alfie!

Alfie!

And now some nutter's out there

sending me photos and cuttings about it.

-We can't change the past.

-Well, that's a lot of help(!)

But we can make amends. And you know what they say.

-Confession is good for the soul.

-You want me to go to the Old Bill?

You back on the gear or something?

No, not that kind of confession. You know... God.

You've got a screw loose, d'you know that?

Oh, what, and drinking, that's sensible, is it?

-I don't need this kind of grief.

-And you don't need the whisky either.

-Just go, will you?

-I can help you, Phil.

Because I know what you're going through.

You don't understand anything.

I live with the guilt of all the terrible things I've done.

I've ruined enough lives with drugs

to know what it feels like to hate yourself.

To feel completely on your own.

But you're not on your own, Phil.

Because I'm here for you.

-I doubt my parishioners would approve.

-Oh, shut up, Vicar!

Hardly like you're breaking one of the Ten Commandments.

-Anyway, it's your round.

-I say Amen to that.

-Oops, sorry, Carol.

-Tanya!

-Sorry!

Same again, please, boys! Can we turn the music up?

This is supposed to be a party!

Do you know what I thought when you first come to live with me?

-Umm, "I hope she doesn't eat all the pies"?

-"She's trouble."

Yeah well, feeling was mutual.

You were this shy little five-year-old

with your hair in pigtails, looking like butter wouldn't melt.

And then you stuck two fingers up at me,

you told me I was ugly and fat and you didn't need a new mum.

Well, I'm not being funny,

but you were like this big, loud woman, y'know,

with a strange face like a clown

and you stunk of fags and booze and you were all over my dad.

What did you expect, Pat? A curtsey and a bunch of flowers?

You've never forgiven me for your mum, have you?

You had an affair with my dad while she was dying.

Actually, whatever Lydia might have told you,

me and your dad never...we were never together during that time.

So you managed to control your hormones

until she was dead and buried? How very commendable.

Well, I suppose it's easier to blame me than your dad.

But you can't bear a grudge forever. People make mistakes.

-You've made more than most.

-Thanks.

So now we've moved on, have we,

from rewriting history to my character assassination.

What fun.

Janine, you have never made it easy to love you.

SHE LAUGHS Well, I'm sorry. I'm going to try much harder in future.

Sorry for the inconvenience, Pat.

But I've always tried to love you anyway. Whatever you may think.

Always.

And so when you lied to the police and nearly got me sent down for

a murder that I didn't commit, were you really trying to love me then?

From that first moment you raised two fingers up to me,

you've been telling me what you thought of me ever since.

And d'you know what, I thank you for that.

Cos there aren't too many people in this world you can rely on to tell you the truth.

Your dad would've told me the sky was neon pink

if he thought that's what I wanted to hear.

And I've never been backward in telling you what I thought of you either.

-No, I've got the emotional scars to prove it.

-All right.

Sometimes a bit harshly, I admit.

But I've always been straight with you.

And that's why you've got to believe me when I tell you

that we didn't tell you about the fire

because we wanted to protect you,

not because we wanted to hurt you.

You wouldn't have wanted that burden.

You don't get over having a man's death on your conscience that easily.

You bury it as deep as you can and try to forget about it.

To be honest, I thought I had.

Until Phil started getting them photos in the post.

-You know that I had nothing to do with that.

-I believe you.

Well, there's a first.

Oh, not because I don't think you're capable of it.

You've done worse over the years.

But I'm sure if you'd found out about the fire,

I would have been your first port of call.

Poor Dad.

I mean...

SHE SIGHS

..carrying around all that guilt for all those years.

Yeah.

Maybe if I'd known about it at the time

I could've stopped him taking off like that.

Do you know, even when he came back, he...

He was eaten up with it.

He'd wake up in the night in a cold sweat.

He wanted to come clean.

So why didn't he?

Let's just say me and Phil persuaded him it wasn't a good idea.

Is...

Is that why he went away again?

He was a mess.

If he'd stayed he would have confessed,

and then he would have ended up in prison.

So you just let him walk away?

It was for the best.

For who?

For me?

For Ricky? For Dad?

I mean, that worked out really well first time round, didn't it?

He had a nervous breakdown, months, MONTHS, on the streets.

Yeah, that was definitely for the best(!)

Not forgetting the abandoned girl

who thought her daddy didn't love her.

What should I have done?

Let him confess?

Yes... Yes!

Yes, if that's what he wanted.

You know, maybe then he wouldn't have cracked up.

At least then,

I would have known where he was

and I could have seen him.

I could've visited him!

I could've just loved him.

You're living in cloud-cuckoo-land, Janine.

You didn't know what he was like at the time.

-Right, and whose fault was that?

-Oh!

Here we go again,

"Poor little me.

"Let's blame Pat for everything that's gone wrong in my life."

You took my dad away from me.

No, I didn't! He was a weak man.

He was.

So help me, I loved him.

I loved him more than I've ever loved any man on this earth.

But he was weak!

And he got himself into trouble,

he couldn't handle the consequences.

So he did what he always did when it got tough.

He ran.

He ran away, Janine, and left me to look after you.

Never forget that.

I looked after you while your father was looking after himself.

And the sad truth is...

if he had cared about his family so much,

he would have found the strength to stay.

I've been looking for you everywhere.

Why did you run off like that? Huh?

Kat, what's wrong?

I've ruined everything.

What happened?!

Kat?

All right, let's get you home, yeah?

Yeah?

Come on. Come on.

JUKEBOX PLAYS

You two are hopeless!

Go on, Rev, show us your moves!

Yeah, man! Read 'em and weep, brother.

Hello, boys - service!

-Are you all right?

-All right, Carol? Are you having a good night?

Yeah, yeah, I am.

I was wondering if you'd heard any news from Max?

No.

Hello!

It's strange not having him around the place, ain't it?

-I'm quite enjoying the freedom actually.

-Yeah, yeah, I can see that.

You've got to let your hair down once in a while, otherwise you'll go mad.

You know, we should go out some time.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, I know you think I'm a bit of a stick-in-the-mud,

but I think I can still remember how to have fun.

Yeah, why not? We'll do that, yeah.

What has a girl got to do to get a drink around here, eh?

-Tanya, do you think you should be doing that?

-Why not? Live a little.

-Do you want one?

-No, I'm all right, thanks.

-Are you sure?!

-Yeah.

-Lauren, watch yourself... Oi!

Incoming! Eh?

Oh, that is setting a really good example, Tanya.

And what are you? Mother Of The Year?!

-I'm quite enjoying this! Who else wants a drink?

-Go on, I'll have one.

I won't say no to that!

Oh, all of you!

Come on.

-I thought I told you to lock up!

-I tried to tell him.

And what's she doing behind my bar?

Let's get you upstairs, shall we?

-Is everything all right?

-Yeah, it's fine.

Just get back to your party. Just go.

Alfie...

-She won't tell me what happened.

-I'll take it from here.

Oh, someone's going to be sleeping on the settee tonight.

-Not if you play your cards right.

-Oh!

-And what about your man? Where's he tonight?

-About to get a booty call.

Oh!

What does Shirley reckon?

She does know about this?

Not about the fire, no. And I want to keep it that way,

-until I find who's behind all this.

-Yeah.

Be our secret.

You know you can always talk to me, about anything.

I'll never give you grief.

I get you.

You and me.

We're the same, ain't we?

DOOR OPENS

I should be going.

MUSIC: "Price Tag" By Jessie J

I love this one, I love it! Turn it up, turn it up!

My tower!

BANGING ON DOOR

Tanya, don't open it!

Anyone order a stripper?

Ha!

ALFIE SIGHS

Why?

Why, Kat?

-Why did you do it?

-I don't know.

That's great. Well, you don't know what?

Just a bit a fun, was it then?

-Did you want to prove a point? Get back at me about what I said?

-No.

It had nothing to do with that.

Were you bored?

Was it a bet?

Or was it just that...

..you love seeing me being hurt?

No?

I swear to God, you will tell me...

Sorry to interrupt, but the old bill are downstairs.

-I can go and deal with it if you like.

-No, it's all right, Tyler.

I can sort out the boys in blue.

You watch and learn, son.

You watch and learn.

Oi...

When I come back, you will tell me why you did this.

I thought you'd want to know that Janine had nothing to do with

sending them photos and clippings.

All right. Thanks.

Eh, Pat, not...

Not a word to Shirley, all right?

What you get up to is none of my business.

But are you sure you know what you're doing?

No.

You won't get what you're looking for with that one.

I ain't looking for anything, just...

This whole car lot business is messing with my head.

Mmm... This is cosy.

I'll leave you to it.

What's she doing here?

Just a bit of business.

What sort of business?

Monkey business - me and Pat, we're having an affair.

You've caught us bang at it.

What are you doing here anyway?

Well, I thought I'd come and have a little bit of monkey business of my own.

It's customary to tell someone if you're going to blow 'em out.

Do you know how long I was in there?

-What's he doing in the bin?

-It's where he belongs.

-Do you know, it was all fake.

-What was?

-Everything.

The smile...

the affection...

the love.

Well, you know what they say -

don't trust salesmen.

Do you think you can ever truly know anyone?

No.

We choose the faces we show people.

What we allow them to see.

That's a very cynical view of the world, Michael.

Mmmm. I'm a very cynical man, Janine.

Why would anyone walk away from somebody that they love?

Because they're selfish,

loathsome, despicable, stupid.

Maybe they just didn't love them that much to begin with.

Some people are not capable of love.

Maybe some people are just unlovable.

No. You mustn't think like that.

It's the truth, isn't it?

No. It isn't true.

And how could YOU possibly know that?

Because I love you.

Well?

The truth is, you already know why.

You look at me every day and you see it,

you think it,

and you know it.

But you ignore it.

You fight it.

Pretend it isn't true, but it is.

Cos deep down...

Deep down, you know what I am.

And Michael knew it as well.

And any bloke that walks into the bar,

that thinks they stand a chance with me,

they see it as well, they see it a mile off.

It doesn't matter how many layers of slap I put on my face.

And they smell it. No matter how much expensive perfume I use.

And Mark - that was his name, Mark -

he saw it,

he knew it, and he smelt it.

And he wanted it, so I gave it to him.

And let's face it, it could have been any Tom, Dick or Harry, eh?

Cos that's what I am...

A dirty little girl.

That's what I've always been.

And that's what I'll always be.

So now you know.

Are you happy now?

-Do you even know what love is?

-Do you?

You don't have to say those three little words

-to get me into bed, you know.

-Fine, fine.

You just take the Mick. We'll just carry on as we were.

It's much easier. Much easier.

Or...

You can accept the fact that, like it or not,

someone in this world actually loves you.

Kiss me.

SHE SCOFFS

Come on.

(Kiss me.)

What do you want me to do?

Say I'll be a good girl and it'll never happen again?

That'd be so easy, wouldn't it?

-I wish I could, but I can't.

-Kat...

-You said it yourself...

when you thought someone else had knocked me up,

you said, "This is what living with Kat Slater's all about."

I'm giving you a Get Out Of Jail Free card.

Take it, throw me out.

No, I can't.

I can't, cos I love you.

I love you.

But you can't change who I am.

It was just a one-off, that's all.

No, no, it's not. It's not a one-off.

It will happen again.

A month, a year, I dunno,

but it will happen again.

You think, what happened to you, I'm going to let destroy us, yeah?

You can't stop it.

There's nothing you can do. And I won't keep hurting you like this.

And you'll never forgive me if it happens again.

OK.

Maybe...

Maybe if I didn't know, then...

Then I...

I wouldn't have to forgive you, would I?

What?!

What you don't know can't hurt you.

You're saying that I could sleep with anyone

as long as you don't know about it?!

And you could live with that?!

It's better than living without you.

At least you finally get who I am.

And you finally get how much I love you.

Oh!

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