27/12/2011 EastEnders Omnibus

That woman can't have sprung from nowhere.

-Well, there's nothing here, Masood.

-The surgery?

No, he's resigned, he's cleared out his office.

What are we going to do?

Stay calm.

Look, we will find Kamil. You've got time.

You can't go anywhere till your passport arrives.

Zainab?

Zee?

What's happened?

I don't know.

What are you doing?

Couldn't sleep...I was thirsty.

Should have taken your pills.

Come on, I'll get them for you.

# Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way.

# Oh, what fun it is to ride In Phil Mitchell's beat-up Jag. #

Don't rhyme.

It's not even light yet.

-Yeah, well, you didn't get any shut-eye, did you?

-Shh, shh...

KEYS RATTLE

-What's happened?

-This has got to end.

-Oh, sorry.

-Sorry.

-Sorry.

-Lucky old Bianca, eh? Bet she's been dreaming about coming home to this.

-I've just got out of bed.

Make an effort, eh? We don't want anything, or anyone, to spoil this Christmas, do we?

-Where's me mum?

-Oh, she's gone over to Sonia's.

-Nice of her to tell me. Where's the kids?

-In bed.

What?

Bi. What's the matter, darling?

Last year, they was up at the crack of dawn, they were that excited!

You know how quickly kids grow up these days!

Sleep half their lives away if they had half a chance, wouldn't they?

Not if I've got anything to do with it.

-It's Christmas Eve!

-'Look, I'm sorry, love.'

When you're a kid, it's all Santa Claus and twinkly lights,

then, bam, you wake up and you're 40 and it's bills, divorce and Christmas Day on your tod.

Look, I better go. Cheers.

So, where's your meter, then, love?

Christian! You came!

-Come on, come in, come in!

-Yeah, well, I couldn't have my sister spending Christmas all on her own.

-You speak for yourself.

-Oi, watch out...

These are a very important navigational tool this time of year.

Come here.

Give us a kiss.

Did you have fun at Tiff's?

Was it good, yeah?

Hello, Jean. Did you sleep well?

-Much better, thanks.

-That's a good sign, ain't it, Alfie? Here, Shenice, get up.

-Let Jean sit down.

-She hasn't finished her breakfast yet.

-Sorry. Sorry, sweetheart.

-I don't mind.

-No, it's all right, you stay put. Here, Jean, sit over here.

THEY PLAY ONCE IN ROYAL DAVID'S CITY

You seen her yet?

Not to talk to.

Can I do anything?

-There is something... keep an eye on Jane?

-Yeah, course.

Passports.

Good luck!

Excuse me, excuse me. You've got a package for Dr Khan?

-Yeah, I need ID, mate.

-He said I could collect it, we're family.

Zainab, can you bring my wallet, please?

Your passport is here.

Can I help?

Thank you.

Perfect timing.

We can all fly out tomorrow after all.

Tamwar, Afia, can I speak to you for a moment, please?

I'd better keep hold of it. Wouldn't want it to get lost again.

-I'll be careful, I promise.

-Please don't, Zainab.

-Sorry.

-And you must stop apologising all the time.

I'm sor...

Is Kamil coming?

What a funny question.

Of course.

Which airline is it?

I can't remember now. Why do you ask?

I just wondered what time the flight was so I can book the taxi.

Don't worry about that. I'll sort everything.

-You summoned?

-I've got a very big surprise for you all.

-I know it's last minute, but I was waiting for Zainab's passport to arrive.

-What, Dad?

I've booked us all flights to Pakistan tomorrow.

Syed and Amira too. It'll be great, all the family together.

Oh, right. Thanks, Dad.

Yeah, really generous.

-Oh, no, that's mine. Sorry.

-Says who?

Here you are. £3.33...

-Nope, £3.34, Will that do you?

-Sorry, love.

That's life. Here you are. Cheers, darling.

-Come on, Kat, my kids have really had a tough year.

-What about mine? Don't they count?

-But I can't afford to buy it in the shops.

-Can't afford to buy this one by the looks of it.

Oh, here you are, there's two quid.

-Bianca. Still scrabbling around on the floor looking for coppers, I see.

-Janine.

Money never could buy class.

Be nice! I'm about to give you some cash.

Oh, well, up yours.

Charming! Well, I'll see you tomorrow.

Oh, did Pat not tell you? Yeah, we've got this agreement, so I'll be round for lunch.

This may come as a shock, but Christmas is when you're meant to be there for your family.

Oh, well...

-I don't know what you mean.

-Ergh. Bianca!

Here y'are.

Want to join forces?

Roxy's gone shopping. I said you'd join her.

You can't chuck me out on Christmas Eve.

I've got presents to wrap and a whacking great big turkey to stuff.

Well, get a pre-stuffed one, then. Here you are.

And get another tree while you're at it, yeah?

-What are you gonna do?

-Best you don't know.

Well, then you're gonna have to bundle me outside the door.

I am gonna prove that it's him.

-Jack?

-Yeah.

How?

Well, my little pen pal ain't going be able to resist gloating after last night, is he?

-What, you're gonna stake him out?

-Hmm.

-Sweet! Can I stay?

-No, Ben...

-Please, Dad. I just wanna help.

-No. You heard me!

It's all right, he can stay. He can stay.

-Right, you promise me one thing? That...

-Sorry, I can't do that...

Bye.

Oi! Watch out, you!

Amira, Sy.

Happy Christmas.

-What're you doing here?

-I've been in the Canaries, thanks for asking, darling.

Anyway, I'm lying on the beach and I suddenly get this image.

All four of us, opening our presents together in bed.

-Shame, we're moving out.

-Yeah, Jane said.

Back to Mum and Dad's. How cosy.

Let's get out of here.

-Christian, I...

-Sy.

Coming.

It'll only be for an hour or so. Please, Dad...

Look, it's your fault we're not prepared.

I've already said no.

Fine, I'll just have to ask Masood.

What would only be for an hour?

Tam needs to talk Rahul through the accounts so he can cover us while we're away,

but we're fully booked for lunch, so...

-Well, I could do it?

-No, you don't need the stress.

-I don't mind.

-It's just showing people to their tables.

Well, it's settled then.

No. I'll do it.

Well, whatever. Look, just please... Can you come now?

Won't be long. You stay in the warm.

Your jacket.

Thank you.

Come on, get a move on.

Where are we going?

You'll see.

Come on!

Why're you so slow, Nana Pat?

Steady on. Steady.

Steady.

I'm not sure I can do surprises today.

Jean, go and have a lie down, yeah?

Ready?

Here we go, don't look. Come on.

No looking, no looking!

Right... Da-da!

Da-da!

What's the big deal?

What's the big deal? You're kidding me, right?

-It's gonna be the funnest, bestest Christmas party this side of Bethnal Green.

-Yes.

Me and Kat should know, we've been to a few, haven't we?

Not that I can remember 'em all! This is gonna top 'em all.

Right, so we have got pin the nose on the reindeer.

Is that you in there, Patrick?

And Christmas bingo.

Bingo's for old people.

Well, there's none of them here, so it can't be, can it?

And we've got Christmas musical chairs.

What's that?

Well, you know, musical chairs? But just with Christmas music.

And that's not just it. Here you are.

Oh, look at them, Ricky, they're just your colour.

Can't believe it's Christmas Eve already.

Yeah.

Just another day, really, innit?

Don't know why everyone makes such a fuss about it.

What?

Well, it weren't that long ago you'd be up all night,

too excited to sleep.

-Was I?

-Yeah.

Mind you, I was the same.

You?

You was excited about Christmas?

Yeah, I was a kid once an' all, you know.

It's hard to imagine, that's all.

Don't feel that different up there.

So, come on, what was your favourite present?

That's easy. Boxing gloves.

Can still smell the leather.

Do you wanna know what mine was?

That dance mat. D'you remember it?

Remember it? You used to wake us up every morning clopping about on it!

KNOCK AT DOOR

# I'm dreaming

# Of a white Christmas. #

-You sure no-one saw you?

-Are you OK?

-Last night, I was worried about you...

-I'm fine.

Look. What you said, right, it got me thinking.

He has to have left a trail somewhere. And if not in the house, then in his car.

How'd you get the key?

I took it from his jacket pocket.

-We don't have a choice. We're flying out tomorrow.

-Christmas day!

Look, why don't I go to the airport, wait for you and Kamil there?

No, no, no...

-There are hundreds of people there. He can't do anything!

-It's not that.

He hasn't told me where we're flying out from, what time.

I've checked, there's at least eight flights going to Karachi.

OK. OK, look, Where's the car?

It's outside. Masood, I'm coming with you.

-No, it's too risky...

-Please. OK, come on.

Pizza, no pineapple and a DVD... any preference?

Oh, just get anything... but don't get a rom com...

don't want your mascara all down your shirt.

I'm fine, I told you, me and Mas are just on a temporary break purely for, um...

Practical reasons.

Oh, come here, I'm only kidding...

his son might be a robot in human form but I'm sure Mas adores you.

Hello?

Amira sent you back?

No, actually, I said I was going to buy some milk.

What did you do that for?

I thought you might need some help.

We moved some of your stuff...

Really?

All right.

-What you doing here?

-Got bored.

What, no bites?

Not unless you count the Salvation Army.

-Anyway, it don't matter. You want to buy me a drink?

-You're cold.

You need to come forward. That's it, you're warm.

You're warm, you're warm, getting warmer, getting warmer.

Ow!

-Adorable in't he, eh?

-Who's next? Shenice?

-Why don't you get someone to buy you a shandy.

-Cheers.

Must be hard, you know.

I mean, a year's a long time for kids.

They probably see me as more of a mum now.

Pakistan? You've got to be joking.

No. I've set up a business over there.

What business?

Me and Amira.

It's memorabilia, we're going to trade in the run up

to the Olympics then take it from there.

-Husband and wife team, eh?

-It's not like that. We're just business partners,

Janine's involved too.

It feels good, you know,

like something's finally starting.

Yeah...

your life back in the closet.

This is just for show.

-That's what being in the closet means, Sy.

-It's different, I know who I am.

Yeah? A greasy business man in a cheap suit?

At least I'm doing something, not stuck in that dead-end job at the salon.

-Didn't bother you a couple of months ago.

-I've got ambition back.

-I bet Mummy's proud.

It's not about that, it's about...

It's about self-respect.

But that's all meaningless, Sy,

if you can't be honest about what's in here.

Hurry up, Masood.

There's nothing here.

-Fine, let's just go then.

-No!

-It's hopeless.

I will no stand by and let that man kidnap my family.

I'll kill him if I have to.

Come on, hurry up, then, Masood.

There's got to be something here.

This is it.

Boarding passes.

Heathrow seven o'clock tomorrow. I can stop him.

Zainab?

Zainab?

Zainab, what's wrong?

Zainab? Don't you see this is good news, I can wait for you there,

I can stop him.

Maybe you shouldn't.

Maybe this is just how it's meant to be.

What d'you mean?

I did this, Masood.

I married him.

I should be the one to suffer.

Don't say that.

Our children are so happy, Masood.

Syed's eyes are shining brighter than ever, Tamwar has Afia.

If I do what Yusef wants... everyone stays happy.

Oh, is that what you call it?

-You don't deserve any happiness, do you?

-What does it matter?

-He hits you, Zainab.

I would give my life for my children to be safe.

In a heartbeat, Masood.

Just let us go.

I can't.

I can't.

No.

No, no, no, Zainab, this not an option. You're not a victim.

I don't know who I am any more.

It's because of him. You've let him get into your head.

That's exactly what he wants.

Please, Zainab, don't let him, please.

I can't, it's too risky, Masood, I just can't.

SALVATION ARMY PLAY COME ALL YE FAITHFUL

Oh, last thing...

-..don't burn the place down.

-I'll do my best.

Thanks for your help.

Dinner at seven, don't be late.

Think I'm looking forward to life back in Walford

without the family rather than our holiday with them.

Me too.

-We're bad people aren't we?

-Evil.

-Love you.

-You too.

Rahul?

Thought it only fair to mention,

your job's safe, but my cousin Tariq will be taking over the manager's position.

-But they're only going away for two weeks?

-Ah, well, there's been a change of plan...

keep it to yourself but we'll all be staying in Pakistan indefinitely.

-Darling, great laugh with those games. What a great idea.

-Alfie?

Yes, sweetheart?

Am I forgiven, then?

Syed?

Hi.

What're you doing in there?

Oh, well, you know Sy. Couldn't wait to open his present.

We were just talking.

He's playing games, isn't he?

-Trying to manipulate you.

-Taken a look in the mirror lately, love?

Please.

Tell me you can see what's going on here?

We're just business partners.

It's thanks to her I've got my life back on track.

Open your eyes, will you?

She thinks all she has to do is get you back to Pakistan

and you'll forget all about fancying blokes and live happily ever after.

If anyone's trying to control me, it's you, OK?

I'm not going to Pakistan for Amira or for my mum,

or even to get over you, I'm going for me.

Come on.

Bad luck.

For you maybe.

Think he's yours?

Those rings you're wearing, might as well be out of a cracker.

What did I say?

Just because Bianca's home don't think she can do everything.

-I'm wearing these stupid wings, ain't I?

-I mean it, Ricky.

You don't know how hard it is, that first week on the outside.

Let alone after everything she's just uncovered.

-It's not my fault the kids ain't interested. What can I do?

-Anything, bribe them.

Don't you think you owe it to her?

Can you believe, they were trying to do

the old pin the nose on the reindeer?

-Vodka tonic, Alfie, please. Make it a double.

-OK.

-Yeah, stick another one in there.

Thought I saw you. How's tricks?

Don't even ask, Denise.

Alfie!

Your cheek's cold.

So's yours.

I've been outside.

Me too,

I took the bin out.

I told Afia we'd eat at seven, is that OK?

Yes, that's fine.

Come on Shenice!

-Can't believe you're making me do this.

-I'm serious,

it's either this or you can give Nana Pat a foot massage.

Oi, you can pack that in!

Come on!

Sit down quick, someone sit down!

Yeah, she's clinched it!

Does this make up for me missing the talent show?

-Yeah.

-Yeah? Good girl, come here.

-What time are you expecting me tomorrow, then?

-What for?

Lunch, of course.

Well...I dunno...

-Sorry, Janine, it's not going to happen.

-Um, you owe me.

Money, yes. But there's nothing in the contract says you get

to sharpen your tongue at my table.

Nothing changes, does it, Janine, eh?

All the money in the world and you're still Billy No-Mates.

Well, everybody, I think it's about time the adults had a bit of fun, so drinks are on the house.

CHEERING

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Merry Christmas!

Finally, I've been standing under this for the past half hour, you know.

CHEERING

Thought you'd taken the bin out?

I did. It's all the rubbish from the packing.

Allow me.

Thank you.

Got you right where she wants you, eh?

Taking out the rubbish while she...carries on.

We were never going to measure up, were we?

I mean, the great Zainab-Masood love affair.

I don't even know why I bothered trying.

What do you mean?

I saw them.

BIN CLANGS

It's lovely. Go on, Shenice, have a bit.

Ooh, look at the chocolate on that.

Do you like it?

-Hello, darling.

-Do you want to go to your Aunty Jean?

I'll take that.

-Hello.

-Do you want to try a bit?

Yeah, I'll try some. Looks lovely.

One more night...then we can forget all about Walford.

One...more night.

HE SNORES

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

-Let's see what Santa got us.

-You're so slow, Morgan.

No, I'm not.

-This one's mine cos it says Tiffany!

-This one's mine!

Merry Christmas.

I hope we haven't forgotten anything.

Well, does it really matter?

No.

No. No hassle. No black envelopes from gutless stalkers.

No fat friends pouring brandy cream down our throat.

Today, is going to be a family day, Shirley, yeah?

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

-Happy Christmas!

-Yes, happy open house.

Yeah, and party!

My beautiful girls.

-Oh, I can't wait. Now, have you sorted the music out?

-Yes.

I've got the drink, as well. The drinks will be flowing!

I was the skateboarding champion of East London.

Watch how good I am! Right, out the way!

Oh, hello!

THEY LAUGH

You're up early, ain't you?

Merry Christmas, buddy. You all right?

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

Oh, Janine, been helping Santa out(?)

It's a commercial rip-off, Kat. Today's just like any other day.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Yeah, Merry Christmas, Scrooge!

Come on, then. Right, you're cooking breakfast.

We'll just do Christmas a bit later, yeah?

Come on, then. We'll do it later, yeah?

I tell you, I saw you kissing.

And the first thing you do is write her a note?

She's... She's scared of him.

Well, she's an idiot. I'm an idiot. Us middle-aged women, eh?

You'd think we'd be old enough to pick the right one by now. What can you do?

-I'm... Jane, I'm...

-What, Zainab can't just walk out the door?

-No.

Yusef...

I don't care. I do not care, OK?

The man is a lunatic, Jane!

I will not lose my whole family on Christmas Day.

I will not let that man just walk away with my son on Christmas Day.

I seriously won't be able to go out in Karachi without a chaperone?

That's not sexist, Afia, it's sensible.

-Kamil has a better chance of following a map.

-Oi!

-When's Bushra bringing him back?

-Laila's meeting us at the airport.

Laila?

You must get round to calling her, Zainab. Really...

Sorry, who is Laila? Cos I don't know any Lailas.

-Mum, why have you let him send my brother to live with a stranger?

-And breathe.

-No, Mum.

-He's going to be scared, Yusef, OK?

Laila's not a stranger. Please. We know Laila. Your wife knows Laila.

-I do?

-Your mother's dear friend, Salma. Her niece, Laila.

You played together.

Look, when Bushra was no longer available it made sense.

-I didn't realise I had to run every decision by you.

-That Laila.

That's what happens when you call everyone Auntie.

So, all goodbyes done by four o'clock and then back here for taxis.

If that meets with your approval, Tamwar.

Tambo, we'll see you in the Square later.

Go.

Go.

Go and say goodbye to Masood.

Kiss him. Tear his clothes off.

I'm sorry, Yusef.

That's what you want. That's what you do, isn't it?

And then, you take the consequences.

Oh, have some backbone, woman.

Be a little bit honest, can you?

A little bit brave.

No.

I won't go.

I won't go with you.

I won't go with you to Pakistan.

Here, let's have a look.

You said you didn't want nothing.

No, there ain't nothing I want.

Right. Well, I didn't get you nothing.

Right.

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

Every past Christmas I can remember,

a whole bunch of relatives that you don't even like

-and certainly don't want to spend any time with.

-Yeah.

-Tatty crackers...

-Oh, crackers.

-Paper chains...

Go on, yeah, yeah, crackers.

And that fight over who's going to sit on the kitchen stool

-and who got the pouffe.

-Know that one.

My Dad...

For years, Ricky ate his Christmas dinner with his chin on the table.

There is not one single thing that I miss about those Christmases when I was a kid.

No? Sure? Except the magic, maybe?

That warm glow?

Feeling loved?

I wanted socks. I'm happy with socks and a fairy but...

-Can you put the head back on?

-Can I have my birthday on Christmas Day?

-Liam got a West Ham T-shirt.

-Why don't we put that train track together?

-Why's Whitney crying?

-I'm sorry, all right?

-I only got a train track.

-Sorry I didn't come back loaded,

-but all the bankers were on the other wing.

-Will you all stop complaining!

Sherry! Nice, big sherry. Who wants one?

I ain't complaining.

I am. I only got a train track and I wanted a bike.

He ain't hit me for a week in case the elves saw.

I just thought us all being together would do it, you know?

Right, get your gob around that.

For God's sake. Not you and all, Whit.

They're from Ryan.

They're really nice. I said he wouldn't forget you.

That's what you've got to learn -

it's the thought that counts, not the price of your presents.

When I was little, we were lucky to get an apple and an orange.

-Why?

-No-one liked her much.

THEY LAUGH I'm glad you're home, Mum.

-I'm glad you're home and all.

-Are you? I was starting to wonder.

-Come on.

-Come on, Morgan.

Relax, you're paying.

The trouble I had trying to max out your credit card.

I don't want to go.

When we get to Pakistan, Zainab, things will be easier, clearer.

You're not listening.

You know, Tamwar was right.

-Sending Kamil away was very harsh. Most mothers wouldn't let it happen.

-I didn't do that.

You didn't bring him home, did you?

I love my baby, Yusef.

And I know you'd do anything for him.

I believe you.

I know you won't leave him alone.

Such a small child...

..such a big airport,

such a great, big place, Pakistan.

-I love every single present.

-Yeah?

Oh, come on, Janine. This is obscene.

All this stuff that we got, this stuff! It's Christmas Day.

Do you know what we need?

Poor people.

Charity, Michael? Please, come on. We're eating.

Come on, none of this don't mean anything.

Unless you can gloat about it.

Don't let them boil over.

You got too much skin on them carrots

and don't forget the parsnips.

How many times in ten minutes can one woman say the word "parsnip"?

Apparently 14.

Shirley, look. Parsnips. I have not forgot the parsnips.

-Yeah, but are you going to put the parsnips in the oven today?

-Oh, Shirley, Shirley.

I am a grown woman. And actually, I have handled the odd root vegetable.

THEY LAUGH

-I'm a mother. I'm a mother, actually.

-Not so you'd notice, eh?

That's 1-1.

-No. No, no, no. It's Christmas.

-Yeah, yeah, it's Christmas.

We are going to have good fun, aren't we?

Cos we do. We do have a laugh, don't we?

Yeah, too right. Look at me. Oh, my sides, my sides(!)

Don't forget the parsnips!

-SHE SCREAMS

-Yes, and I won't pretend that I'm counting down the minutes

till I can pick up my Amy.

And you, right? You don't come over all Miss Bossy with me

because your old man didn't buy you a present.

2-1, Jay.

Put the parsnips in the oven!

Happy face, Shirley. Happy face.

No?

OK. Listen. You keep at it with the Wicked Witch Of The West routine

and it's not just going to be Heather and your kids missing,

but you are going to be eating these rotten Christmas parsnips

on your tod!

THEY LAUGH

I'll put them in the oven now, OK?

Course, we could always have pizza.

It's years since I saw Laila. I was just a little girl.

-I know this looks like overreacting.

-Just give me the address, Afia.

But he does have the right to see Kamil.

So why doesn't he just ask my Dad for it?

-Because your Dad's a raving head case.

-You what?

When he says head case...

What would you call snatching my son against my wishes?

How dare you, Masood?

OK. All right, time out. Festive cheer.

No, it's not my dad's fault your marriage failed and you don't know where your kid is.

Head case? Why don't you look in the mirror?

Steady on.

Just, please, tell me where my son is, Afia.

I was just a little girl.

I don't remember Laila's address.

Oi.

Oh, you idiot! Go away. Just go away.

I've got something for you.

A bunch of wilted flowers you got from the garage?

Happy Christmas and all that? Go stick them up your Khyber.

I never said I forked out cash on you, did I?

If I could just ask Jack...

Excuse me, mate. Let me get this straight.

You got no leads, you got no addresses

and you got no names, yeah?

-No, we do have a name.

-Yes, thank you, love. Thank you.

So, you thought... I mean, obvious move. You thought,

I can't find my son, so I know what I'll do - I'll go round the ex-cop's house,

and smash the granny out of his front door on Christmas Day.

Jack might be able to suggest something.

That's all you're after - a suggestion?

Well, I suggest that if you've lost your little boy,

you should've hung on to him in the first place, shouldn't you, eh?

Merry Christmas.

Sweetheart.

Phil said you wouldn't say sorry.

He said you never say sorry.

Mrs Branning understands.

She says it's tradition for the women round here

and that Phil's probably chosen someone just like his mother.

That's what she says.

Who else you been bad mouthing me to?

She said I had to make a choice.

To hold on to those who are important...

..or to hang out for one little word.

So...

..it doesn't matter, Shirl.

It doesn't matter that you thought that I'd send hate mail

or hurt the Mitchells cos I didn't do it.

And you...

..George...

..maybe Andrew, one day.

I mean, you're my family, aren't you?

I don't want to spend a Christmas Day without my family.

So...

..you don't have to be sorry.

You don't have to say sorry, even.

I won't mind any more, OK?

I didn't do it, Shirl.

OK.

I'm sorry, Hev.

SHE SOBS

We're the only normal people, is what I'm saying, OK?

Your dad's a nutter, my dad's a nutter,

so, statistically, we're the only points of sanity

in a very mental world.

-I need a wee.

-See? Nothing wrong with being truthful.

Which is one of the qualities I admire about you.

I really don't remember Laila's address.

Honestly, I can't remember it.

OK, let's go and say bye to Fats, we'll have one of Dot's mince pies.

Let's not argue, OK?

Just wrack your brain while you're there.

It's got to be breaking Dad's heart not to say bye to Kamil.

Who's arguing? I mean, I didn't start it, so...

No, course you didn't, my little chicken korma.

Perish the thought.

-Go on, open mine.

-OK, look at this one, this is for you.

-What's in the box? What's in the box? What's in the box?

-Mine, mine, mine!

-You're so wicked! You're so wicked.

-Open this one, man.

-This is my one, now.

-How come you get all the big ones?

HORN HONKS

Coming through!

Hey, look. Two feet!

Alfie, can you stop playing and be a grown up?

-It's not even your present.

-I'm good at this! I'm coming. Wait for me, hold on.

Why can't it be?

Because bailiff's don't bring stuff in, they take it out.

It's a bike!

Bike! Bike! Bike!

She just sort of remembered. It might not be right

cos we were arguing and Afia was having a wee...

-The details don't matter.

-Finborough Street.

Dad, we leave here at four o'clock.

HE WHISTLES

Anyone got an eye on the time?

-I don't get why we have to have your brothers round here, anyway?

-Urgh!

Why is there a nail in the stuffing?

Because I asked for Shellac and you bought me stick on which fall off.

Get them out, will you?

Well, I asked for music and you got me One Direction.

You love them.

No, you love them.

Lauren, Operation Turkey, yeah? Phase two.

Dad said fish them out, Abi. Go on.

Oh, my God, Lauren.

-I am actually setting here. With glitter.

-No, sitting on your lard bum.

Just because your jeggings make your thighs look like sausages.

Oi! Take that back, Wobble Woman.

You want the truth? You've both got fat bums.

-BOTH: What?!

-Can we both pull our weight, please?

Awww, did Daddy buy you a forklift?

Abi, no plastic, no glue and no food poisoning, all right?

Unless it's your Nan.

I just don't get why SHE has to make such a massive deal, that is all.

Because this might be Mum's last Christmas ever, Abi. That's why.

We'd better make sure it's a good one, then, eh?

You cooking that or giving it a makeover?

It's a long flight...

..and this is such a good day.

Don't spoil it now.

I don't want to see you sad.

Sleep.

Kamil.

Thank you!

-It's definitely on this side.

-What?

-It's definitely on this side.

-Right, there's no-one in there.

-And you will be better than you are, yes?

-Yes.

Come on!

Hello, sorry to bother you. I know it's Christmas Day, but...

Tiff, look at my bike!

INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION

Woah!

Oh, look at her little face!

Oh, this'll be nice for the office(!)

See it's your class that I've always admired, Janine.

You really shouldn't have bothered.

I've gone three miles!

No, she means it. You shouldn't have bothered.

-Technically she didn't, so...

-Well, you're all very welcome.

You can always go on a diet, Pat.

Bianca, you can always sell that online

and just buy yourself something fake.

Thank you.

Oh, I get it! She wants to be invited to dinner!

-Yeah! Can she, please?

-Yeah, come on, Janine.

Well, maybe if it's going to make you lot feel better.

Ah, bless you, Janine(!)

You trying to buy your way back into your own family, are you?

-No.

-Good, cos nobody's inviting you.

Come here, Tiff.

You know, Christmas is all about giving,

and I just love it.

I mean, we should do this every year in the future.

Definitely. Thank you, poor old woman.

It's been a pleasure patronising you.

Well, what've you got? Let's have a look then.

Actually, they look quite nice!

-Laila? Are you Laila?

-Yes?

Ah! Jane!

Look, I'm Masood. I'm Kamil's dad. I want my son, now.

But you're dead. Yusef said that you're dead.

(YELLS) Do I look dead to you?! I want my son, now!

-Kamil!

-Dada!

Move!

Mind, mind! Make room!

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

-So he give you fifty quid?

-Yep, each.

-Bargain!

Yeah, well I only came for the dinner.

Well, I ain't had time to go down the shops, have I?

Right, where's the carving knife? Billy!

You're going soft, you are.

No, no. I am having a Merry Christmas with my whole family, son.

Cos nothing and no-one stops me.

So what's Heather getting for all the grief then, eh?

Job for life and a grand in used fivers?

Oh, no. Ain't nothing I want. Got everything here.

I don't do female bouncers. But if you fancy it, call round the club.

I might do that.

-Billy!

-Parsnips.

-This turkey ain't going to carve itself.

Not that anyone I know actually likes parsnips.

Christmas Day wouldn't be Christmas Day without parsnips.

-Would it, Shirl?

-Dig in!

I'll have some parsnips.

What did they actually fall out over?

-Oh, I don't know. Envelopes.

-Envelopes?

-It's on the draining board!

-Where?

-I've never had a nice parsnip.

Whoever's hassling Dad

tried to set up Hev with a load of black envelopes in her bag.

OK, OK, OK.

SHE SQUEALS

Get on with it, will you?

Ah!

SHE SCREAMS

She gave me half the cash and a 10% voucher.

-You know me so well!

-Yeah, I do.

-Look, look, look!

-Oh, yeah.

-Woo!

Rrr!

Oh, thank you so much!

Hey! I put in an order for a lovely dark, tall stranger.

Is he down here? What is he? Self assemble or blow up?

No, no. I'm sitting down right here!

-Oh, look. That ain't fair, is it?

-Oh, what's that?

-Hey, D!

Who do you know that's called Santa? Hm?

Who?

We ain't all ten years old, Kim.

-Give it!

-Well, maybe it's not yours then.

-Probably a mistake.

-Will you just... Patrick, will you tell her?

That's my present!

LAUGHTER

Oh, children, children, children!

DOOR CLICKS SOFTLY

Ah!

You overstepped the line! How many chances do you expect?

-It's like being married to a child!

-Let me go, please!

All these years. All these lessons! And still you learn nothing?!

Do I need to show the scars?

Do you like the smell of burning?

You know what you drive me to! What does it take, Zainab?

A lit match in your face?

I know that a husband does not torture his wife!

I know he doesn't beat her down, I know he doesn't hurt her!

-Take her baby and pretend it's her fault!

-Torture?!

That I tried to save you from that pathetic excuse of a man?!!

You think this is torture?!

You stupid, ugly, middle-aged woman!

Wait till I get you back to Pakistan.

I would rather die than go with you to Pakistan!

Then that is your choice.

-Ah!

-Is that your choice?

-Ah!

-SHE SOBS

Yes.

Ah!

-Hopefully I'll see you in a couple of weeks.

-Tam!

-ALL:

-Merry Christmas!

Laila. Bring me Kamil.

Woo! There you go!

We did it! Phew!

Zainab? Zainab! I've got him!

I've got Kamil!

Thank you, God. Thank you, God.

Allah ka shukrar. Thank you, God.

Good boy. Come on.

HAMMERING ON DOOR

Zainab!!

I will not disobey you. I will not disrespect you.

You will not shame me. Say it! Say it!

Ah!

Masood has Kamil!

I'm too late.

Yusef!

Masood has Kamil!

WILD LAUGHTER

So, come on, Yusef! Hit me now!

Hit me now! Let's see what kind of man you really are.

Because now...

Now you'll have to bow down in Mosque.

You will have to answer to God!

You sad, pathetic, revolting...

Get off me! Get off me!

Shame? You dare use that word to me? You talk about shame?

When you can do this?

This, to your own wife!?

Look at me. Look at me, Yusef!

Look what you've done to me.

You've destroyed my life!

Why, Yusef? Why?!

You are an evil, deranged man.

You're sick!

You're a sick, sick, sick man!

SCREAMING: I hate you! You're a sick man!

Yes...

Yes, you're right.

I'll go.

Go on, Hev!

-LAUGHTER

-Whoa!

Come on, mate!

Who's next, who's next? Phil?

Come on.

Come on then. What have I got to be scared of, eh?

-I'll wipe the floor with you, son.

-Yeah, right!

-LAUGHTER

-Faster!

'No more stolen cars, no more cut and shuts.

'What do you want to do, get somebody else killed?

'Do you seriously think I'm going to risk that again, eh?

-'Well, you gave them to Kevin.

-Yeah.'

Oh, my...

'Yeah, look how he ended up.'

This is a joke, innit?

'..thought maybe I could shift a few.

'Just till I've found my feet, got things ticking over.

'Do you seriously think I'm going to risk that again, eh?

'No more stolen cars, no more cut and shuts.

'What do you want to do, get somebody else killed?

'Get somebody else killed?'

Phil Mitchell killed Kevin.

Let's hope we get some better gags this time, OK?

Ready? One, two, three. Go!

-CHEERING

-Tommy, what did you get?

Right, who's got the first gag then? Who's got the first joke?

-Right, what do you call two robbers?

-I don't know. What do you say?

A pair of knickers!

-LAUGHTER

-What les in a pram and wobbles...?

-Hide them under your mash.

No-one'll know.

..I'll tell you who it is.

It's baby Tommy! Good one, Tommy!

THEY SHOUT

-CHEERING

-Hang on, hang on, hang on.

You're a cheat!

LAUGHTER

Call the Police.

Mas, they've gone.

Jane.

Christian'll be waiting.

Jane...

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Masood.

Mummy?

HE HUMS

It's you, isn't it?

Afia, do we really have to get involved in some minor marital

between your fascist father and my hysterical mum?

I mean, you know, normal? We're just trying to keep it normal, OK?

He's my dad, Tam.

He's the one that took me shopping.

He's the one that helped me with my homework.

And I could never,

never betray him.

And he told me it was all in the past, so...

What...what did he say?

What if there's something wrong with him?

He wouldn't do it again.

He would NOT do it again.

Do what? What, Afia? Afia, do what?

I'm starting to get a bit freaked out here. What?

He set fire to your mum.

Nobody knew about those envelopes in Hev's bag.

Except me,

your Dad

and Heather...

..and the person that put them there.

Answer the question, Ben.

Zainab Mas...Khan.

Zainab Khan.

No.

Please!

Look, I just need to know if she's checked in.

Because she's in danger.

I don't care where you go.

I don't care what you do.

Yes.

But you will be gone

when I come back, to my home.

MY home, with MY baby.

Yes.

Please don't just leave.

Please!

Please. If you really want it over.

You see I didn't get to say goodbye and it still haunts me...

Goodbye, Yusef.

She was the love of my life, Zainab.

I'm not sick.

I'm not ill. I am just so very sad.

I've done it wrong again.

And I'm going to be on my own again.

-And I'm so scared.

-You have a daughter.

You were the first time I truly smiled in such a long time...

The empty space. The empty bed...

And then there you were.

It was like that first day, wasn't it?

-Both of us so shy, you remember?

-No.

-No, you do...

Please, please, don't leave me again. Please.

No. No...

You do not beat me to stop yourself from feeling sad, Yusef...

I will not give you my family

because you did not build one of your own.

I will not share my bed with you because I am better than nothing.

Because you're lonely? Because you're lonely?!

I know that is your choice now.

And I will not let you take Masood's life because you don't like yours.

You can't stop me.

It's Christmas. What were you thinking?

It's Christmas, you messed up ungrateful little boy.

And it's the first time in months I've seen your dad smile.

The first time that he ain't looking over his shoulder,

or jumping every time the letter box goes.

And you'd do that to him. Why did you do it?

-I'm sorry.

-No. No, I don't want to know. I don't want to hear it.

I don't even want to look at your face.

Tell it to your dad, Ben.

No, no, Shirl. I'm sorry, all right.

I don't know why, but it's stopped, hasn't it?

I don't want him hitting me.

And then he'll throw me out, it's Christmas and I'll be on my own.

It's just... I wouldn't hit him back.

I wouldn't hit my dad, but I wanted to hit him back!

Your dad has never hurt you.

I want you to pack.

Once Christmas is over, I want YOU to go on a very long holiday.

And I don't even want a postcard from you.

Shirl, it's stopped.

Who would do this? Christmas Day?

We need to... I've got a list...

-Mince pies...

-We're still not having open house!

-Oh, yes.

-What?

We know he's a dangerous man.

There's no harm in taking time, thinking this through.

-Patrick, are you serious?

-Yeah.

-You really want to go ahead with this?

-Yeah.

You sit up with Abi then, darling. Go on.

Right, that's it, everyone, sitting up.

Don't matter where.

Course it don't matter where we sit, eh?

But, Derek, if you're head of the family,

you sit at the head of the table, don't you?

-What you talking about? It's my house.

-It's tradition, Max.

Like the Queen and cranberry sauce.

Oh! I'll get it.

Nan, no-one cares where they sit except Oscar.

-You see what I mean, Derek?

-Yeah, well...

That's what's wrong with this country.

-No respect for tradition.

-Oh, here we go, see.

First religion, then politics, the royal family.

Christmas is not Christmas without a heated debate, is it, Mum?

Amy. Away from the window. Come and sit here.

-I blame the Government.

-Yeah, course you do.

-DOORBELL

-Lauren, get your nan some water.

Get a gag while you're there.

My mum has married him. I let her. I lived in the same house as him.

I promised my dad...

We're going on holiday, Afia, to Pakistan,

with a man who sets fire to people when things don't go his way.

You kept that a secret from me?

-My daughter wants a puppet.

-My daughter wants her dinner.

-I promised.

-I'll give it to her.

-Jack, you promised!

-I've changed my mind.

-Zainab knows though...

-Just stop talking.

-She chose to be with him.

-Stop explaining everything as well.

She's a grown woman. A strong woman!

Afia, just stop with the excuses. Stop wasting time, OK?

It's about the truth.

What happened about telling the truth?

If you want to walk away with any credibility,

do what you could have done a few weeks ago and call the police.

Dad... Yeah, Dad, just meet me at the house, OK.

Meet me at the house. Mum's in trouble.

Just meet me at the house.

Your smirking, smug little Masood, he was always an irrelevance.

And doesn't he know it?

Maybe the postman knew it was only a matter of time

before you looked at me and realised.

And then you did.

A little bit of guidance and you realised.

How does that make me sick? Really, Zainab?

I know I am the doctor,

but you cannot be so squeamish, Zainab.

It might hurt.

But when a tumour is growing, you remove it.

For the good of the whole.

Oh, come on, please.

I've always been able to talk to you, honestly.

You and me.

And when the tragedy of the accident is over...

..you'll understand.

I'll help you.

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Where is Amy, the Christmas princess?

Where is she? There she is. Hello, Amy!

Amy!

-ROXY GIGGLES

-# Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way

# Oh, what fun it is to ride On a one-horse open sleigh, hey!

# Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way... #

When you wake up, it'll all be over.

Fear can be conquered when you're not on your own.

You and me, we will sit in the sunshine, that is the plan.

We will tell this to our grandchildren.

How it was always going to be.

You and me, Zainab, in the sunshine.

Mum? Mum?!

Dad!

-Dad!

-Mum!

-Dad, what are you doing?

Get away from her. Get off of her!

Get the kids out of here. Call the police.

Mum, what has he done to you?

Dad, call the police.

-I'll call them.

-No!

Wise. They'll hardly be interested in a little postman's domestic.

-No!

-Dad!

Now call them.

Sometimes people, their bodies get a bit poorly, you know,

like a limp or whatever.

Well, sometimes their minds do as well.

Her mind's limping?

Well, yeah, sometimes.

But, you know, Jean, right, she misses her daughter.

And she misses her granddaughter.

You understand that, don't you, eh?

Can she still dance with a limp?

What?

She don't want turkey. And she doesn't want her pudding.

And if she don't get that puppet, she ain't going to come home. So, go on then.

Hello, baby girl! Hello, baby.

Keys to the flat.

-I ain't having her hanging out with that inbred cousin of yours. All right?

-OK.

Merry Christmas, baby girl. Merry Christmas.

We're just outside.

He's got ten minutes and the police are coming to lock him up.

We're just outside.

You need me.

Who else is going to find you when you get lost in Karachi?

And pay off your overdraft and make you beans on toast

when your homework gets too much.

People are complicated. Life gets complicated.

But you've got to understand, I will always be there for you.

This is just one small moment in our lives.

And we will not let Masood triumph. This is not an end, Afia.

Yes, it is.

CAR ALARM BLARES

-KAT:

-'I'd do Christmas every day if I had a dishwasher.

-'Those kids this morning.

-JEAN: Don't say anything,

'but I'm going to get Alfie a skateboard for his birthday.

'How lucky am I?

-'When I was a little girl, I never dreamed...

-Really?

'What, all this? I don't think so.

'My dad had me down for a room in King's Cross

'with a steady line of punters.

'Don't tell Alfie, but if it wasn't for him

'I reckon I'd be there an' all.

'We're all hanging out for a hero, Kat.

'And mine's sitting in there. It's lucky, ain't it?

'To find someone that you love so much.'

Right, who's up for a cold beer?

'I keep at it and I reckon one day he'll feel like it back.'

And he could, couldn't he? He could get it back, yeah?

You don't think Alfie loves you?

No. Does he hell.

-Why, eh? Why d'you do it?

-You did it!

You did it! You evil murdering filth!

And I've got you taped.

-Yeah, I have heard you.

-Take her home, Patrick.

It was meant to be a present.

I thought someone had sent me a Christmas present.

And I promise you on my life, Phil Mitchell,

the next time we speak, it will be through a lawyer.

Cos you WILL be under arrest.

I heard you admit it, Phil Mitchell!

Oh. Oh, Shirley,

Kevin. Kevin. It was...

It was Phil's fault. Phil knew.

And he good as drove that car that killed him.

Take her home, Patrick, and shut her up.

PHIL: 'All roads lead to you.

'If I wanted to screw you up, there's better ways than a memory stick through Denise's letter box.'

-Get the evidence back...

-Yeah, what?

-I'll have you, that's what.

-Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah.

This isn't the Christmas spirit, is it?

No. No. No. No. No.

No, I object to this kind of behaviour

because it is disrespectful to the baby Jesus on his birthday.

You may not know it, mate,

but we've got a sick woman in this house, and kiddies.

And an old man who's waiting for a visit.

Now, this being the season of goodwill...

We don't want to get blood on the carpet, do we?

You better keep your doors locked then.

Peace be with you, my good man.

Season's whatsits and all that!

Well, let's have that Christmas pudding, eh?

Eh? Come on, girls.

Ben!

You lying little toerag. You hate him that much?

You hate him that much?

What's going on in that thick skull of yours, eh?

How far will you go to make his life a misery?

Your dad...he could go down for this, you idiot.

It's been a long time coming, Shirl.

I know you can't help having a limp, but I'm not an angel, I'm Shenice.

-And now Kat hasn't seen my show.

-No.

So do you want the job or what?

Are there many other applicants?

-Can you knit?

-I can knit.

Sign the contract. You've passed.

Oh. Oh, I'm so pleased.

Cos it suits both of us really, doesn't it?

Cos I do have a bit of previous experience...

-Jean! Jean!

-We can bake cakes together.

I'll get knitting needles, Stacey broke my last ones, she never got the hang of casting.

Jean! Jean, you do realise that you'll never be my real nanny, don't you?

Yes. Yes, I do realise that.

But then every little girl needs a nanny for Christmas, doesn't she?

Will you be my Nanny Christmas?

I'll be your Nanny Christmas.

Sign here.

# ..To you and your kin

# We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year... #

Merry Christmas.

Happy new year.

# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas

# We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year! #

THEY CHEER

Oh, oh, oh. Charge your glasses everyone, for a toast.

-My family. Salut.

-Family!

The police have just left.

I can get my things. I'll sleep downstairs,

just until they track Yusef down.

Thank you.

Hello, Baba.

You need some peace.

-Ssh, come on.

-Mummy. Mummy.

No.

Masood.

Masood. I am so, so sorry.

And...

..I love you.

Say that again.

I love you.

No, no.

The bit about you being really sorry.

Masood...

-SOBS:

-I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

# So here it is merry Christmas Everybody's having fun... #

It's Christmas!

# Look to the future now

# It's only just begun... #

PEOPLE CHAT AND LAUGH

Masood!

Where have you been hiding? Come on.

-SHE PURRS

-Come on in.

Put down your jacket, yeah? Orange juice?

Masood! Merry Christmas.

Yes, it is, isn't it?

I ordered you a cab.

Blue flashing lights and everything.

MUSIC FADES BUT IS STILL AUDIBLE

BABY CRIES

Ssh-ssh-ssh-ssh-ssh.

Yasmin, come on. Ssh, darling.

Syed, can you take her out for a walk or something, please?

Mum needs some peace.

I dealt with her last time.

-If you're sure you'll be all right...

-I am going to be fine.

She needs some air, OK?

Tamwar, can you phone the police again?

Dad's gone.

It's over.

MUSIC, CHEERFUL CONVERSATION AND LAUGHTER

Auntie Kim, yeah? Auntie Kim? Me and you?

Denise, have you got any mince pies?

Has Santa got elves(?)

Hey, baby!

Two turtle doves!

Come on, my speciality.

Yes, please, yes, please.

You can shout if you want.

Don't mind, do you, while you wait for your lift?