30/10/2011 EastEnders Omnibus

DOOR SHUTS

-YOU shouldn't be up.

-Sorry?

Never mind. I'm here now. Soon have you on your feet.

-I'm on my feet!

-Come on, Pat. Sit...

-Norman...

-Sit. Sit.

Now, two things. One - the loan paperwork.

I need you to sign it. It's all sorted,

with the house as security. Just sign on the dotted line

and kiss your worries goodbye.

-Nobody knows about this, right?

-Scout's honour.

-And what's the other thing?

-Ah! I bought a pack of cards.

-You make that sound like a good thing.

-Gin, canasta, snap...

the world is full of possibilities. I'm here to look after you.

Why? I had an angina attack. I took a pill. It passed.

What about next time?

Oh, you're a right little ray of sunshine, ain't you?

Tea?

There you go. Coffee. Strong and brown. Just how you like it.

See how I didn't make the obvious joke there? See that?

How comes you're so lively? You drank exactly the same as me.

Yeah, but that's cos I am blessed.

And I can hold my drink. You knock me down, I get straight back up. You understand me?

-Like the Terminator.

-Yeah, but with better jokes, all right?

-So, listen, don't worry about this weekend.

-I weren't.

-No...because

-I

-have plans.

-Yeah, what plans?

-Big ones, all right.

They're the only ones you get with me, all right?

I shall see you later. All right?

Oh, sorry, are you all right?

-Yeah...

-A tenner.

-She's got her eye on that ring.

-She knows how much it costs.

Clever girl!

-Listen, I should probably...

-Stay a bit longer?

I said I'd be back. I don't want Christian to, well, you know...

-I thought he knew.

-He does.

-You told him? About seeing Yasmin?

-Yeah.

-How did he take it?

-We're spending the afternoon together.

-You know, a bit of shopping, something to eat, maybe a film...

-Just the two of you. Nice.

We've been under a lot of pressure recently.

We need some time to ourselves.

-Pressure?

-Stuff.

Me, you mean.

You should've seen her when she first saw you.

I've never seen her so excited.

Maybe a few minutes longer, eh?

Hey, Yasmin...

Moose!

Here, don't take this the wrong way, but I've seen healthier corpses.

There we go. Slice each and half and half on the beans. Get stuck in.

-You've got more than me.

-Oh what, you counting them now, are you?

-Can I have a sausage?

-No.

Look, even with the money I get from Janine, I can't afford to pay our electricity bill, all right?

I'm not going to spend the rest of what I've got on a sausage.

-But I'm hungry.

-And what about William and Janet, eh?

How can they come and stay if I haven't got any hot water?

I can't be giving them cold baths in the middle of winter.

-So it's a no on the sausage?

-Yes. It's a no on the sausage

Excuse me.

Sorry, could you pass me the sugar, please? Thank you.

-Oh, thank you.

-(What are you doing?)

I didn't ask for that.

No, but if you don't eat something,

that tea's going to come straight back up again.

And I don't fancy putting me rubber gloves on. Just eat it. Then go home and sleep it off.

Maybe.

Are you worried about your Mum?

She's seen a lot worse with Rainie.

-Right, yeah.

-Look, this isn't a doss house.

-If you're going to carry on doing it, then get better at it.

-What, the drinking?

No, the hangover.

-All right?

-All right.

Thanks.

You ran out on me.

You not used to it?

Doesn't happen that often.

-Is that right?

-I was...surprised.

No, you weren't.

We should probably keep this to ourselves.

Yeah, I think so, don't you?

No need for, say, Whitney to find out about it.

-Whitney?

-Say.

Oh, right.

-So, you're, er...still into her, then?

-Me? No, course not.

But you know what she's like.

-It's for her sake.

-Yeah. For her sake.

-Where're the kids?

-I gave them a fiver. Told them to get some buns.

I thought you'd like the house to yourself.

I don't need to be wrapped in cotton wool. Look...

thanks very much for sorting out the loan,

but I don't need you taking over.

I just want everything to get back to normal, OK?

-I just wanted to help.

-You can do that by leaving me alone.

Um...

Yeah, um...

'So, I'll call you in a day or two.'

OK. But just don't leave a message. You know, Dad's watching me.

-We'll do this again though, right?

-Yasmin would love that.

OK, then.

OK.

Hands off the shiny jewellery, all right?

It'll be designer bags next.

Hopefully.

-Bye, then.

-Bye.

YASMIN CRIES

Syed! Help!

-It's Yasmin! She swallowed my ring!

-What?

-My ring. It's gone.

-Did you drop it...

-She swallowed it, I'm sure.

Please, can we go back to yours, make sure she's OK?

-She needs to go to hospital.

-What?

-Take her to A&E.

PHONE RINGS

Sy?

Now? You're kidding, aren't you?

Can't you fit him in for a massage a little bit later on?

Well, if his back's out, I suppose you better go...

-What sort of person stabs someone?

-The sort with a knife.

-I wonder what made them do that?

-I've heard it don't take much.

You know, look at someone the wrong way, say the wrong thing and...

-Amazing.

-Not from where I'm standing, it isn't.

PHONE RINGS

-What?

-No Tanya?

-No, she's got 'flu. I'm covering.

Only, I left my keys here the other day.

She said she left them under the till.

Leave them outside, will ya? Does it look like we've got room in here?

No, sorry, nothing.

Don't worry. I'll ask Tanya when I see her. Thanks. Bye.

-Perfect. Good at this, ain't ya?

-Sign there.

And next time we make an order...

-I'm going to make sure it's you doing the delivery, yeah?

-Thanks.

-See ya.

Oi!

Oh!

Oh, no. Not again.

SHE GASPS

You OK?

Can you open these for me, love? I can't do it.

That's cos they're childproof.

That'll...be it.

Ta.

Always a pleasure to help such an important member of the community.

-You can't help yourself, can you?

-Come on. Let's get you home.

Give me a minute, please.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

-Did you like the film, then?

-Stand By Me?

-Yeah, well, you said you liked it.

-Tell you the truth, Ben - it's a while since I've seen it.

Well, maybe we could watch it later.

-Ben...

-It's just I've never seen it and...

I'm doing something with Sy this afternoon, all right?

Look, Ben, if you need somebody to talk to...

You know, problems, questions you might have.

-You know I'm always here.

-Yeah.

But I've got a life with Sy, and I can't just... I've got to keep things balanced.

-Understand?

-Yeah, I'm not stupid.

-I know you're not stupid.

Sy's working this morning, so we're making it up this afternoon.

That is all.

-OK.

-Another time then, yeah?

-Yeah.

-All right.

Is that why I saw him in the park?

Sorry?

-I saw him in the park earlier.

-No. You can't have done, Ben.

Yeah, with Amira.

Thank you.

Pat?

-I think she had a funny turn.

-She all right?

-Just gave her a bit of a fright, I think.

-She's probably overdoing it.

-I can hear, you know.

-Luke!

-Luke, can you mind my stall, please?

-Yeah, course.

I'm taking her home.

Thanks for this.

Sometimes I do the right thing.

Sometimes.

-I'll see you. See you later.

-Ta, darling.

-In your own time.

-Sorry.

-Mr Masood?

-Yes.

Um... Do you need to talk to my...? She's gone to get some drinks.

Been snacking on your mum's jewellery, eh?

Definitely NOT one of your five-a-day.

I'll need to take her for an x-ray,

but a few questions before we do, yeah.

-OK.

-When she swallowed the object, did she cough?

-Any signs of choking?

-I didn't see.

You seem very quiet.

-Is she always like this?

-I...

-Has she eaten since this happened?

-Yes.

Ah, good. And did she take as much as she normally does?

Has she been in hospital before? Any other health problems?

-Is your daughter normally healthy?

-Yes. She's perfectly healthy.

Just can't help putting things in her mouth, eh?

-I have twins - they were the same.

-Poor you.

Oh yeah, saw something shiny and bang. Straight in.

-The only solution was a magnet on a piece of string.

-Really?

No, I'm joking. Good...

Well, we'll go and take a quick look at her and then we'll get her off to x-ray, OK?

-He's a good-looking boy.

-Who's that?

Tyler Moon.

Anyone getting involved with Tyler Moon needs their head examined.

-I thought you were with Fatboy.

-Yeah, I am.

Then why were you looking at Tyler like that?

No, I wasn't!

If you're with Fatboy, fine.

If you want to be with Tyler, do something about it.

It's great having a choice.

But then you have to make a decision.

Half pint? It's me...

Towels! Beautiful towels.

Give your body the treat it deserves. Softer than a baby's bum.

Hello. I've got face towels, hand towels, body towels.

-Look, they're two for a tenner, I'm giving them away...

-I'll take two.

Congratulations! You've just got yourself the same towels used by Cheryl Cole

and Simon Cowell.

Well, not at the same time though, mind... See ya.

HORN HONKS

All right.

How's Pat?

Yeah, she's fine, thanks.

Good. Good.

That was a really nice thing you did.

Sh! Don't tell anyone. Don't want to spoil my reputation.

Listen... You're probably busy later...

-Hello, sweetheart, I hope you are strapped in.

-What?

-Yeah, cos Air Fats is ready for takeoff.

-What?

Yeah, tonight I'm going to show Whitney what it means when Fats is your man.

-That right?

-I've got the keys to heaven. The latest Fatmobile on the forecourt.

Drive into a nice bit of the country, bit of Epping Forest,

-just me, you and the stars, babe.

-Lucky you.

It's no more than she deserves, eh, bruv?

-All right, man, take it easy. Ain't that right, sweetheart?

-Yeah.

-Listen, I've got to go.

-What? Oh, right then, cool.

I'll check you later. All right, babe.

PHONE VIBRATES

Hi.

-Thank you.

-What for?

-Being here.

Don't be daft.

Growing up, I never really knew my Dad.

I mean, he was around, but he was never there, does that make sense?

Yeah.

He used to buy me things, he was good at that.

Gave me toys, gave me treats, gave me everything...

..except the one thing I wanted.

I know what it's like to have a father and know, inside,

he doesn't care.

Which is why it's so important for Yasmin that you're around.

-She doesn't really know who I am, does she?

-Are you kidding?

That beany reindeer thing you gave her - it's her favourite.

It's a moose.

Right. But...she's never without it.

-She knows you're somehow part of her life...

-Amira.

-..and if for any reason you weren't around...

I know what you're doing.

-You know, all this blurb about your Dad?

-Blurb?

You're pressuring me.

I'm not.

-It's serious, Syed.

-I'm taking it seriously.

Is that why you haven't told Christian yet?

You lied to him on the phone. He doesn't know you're with me, does he?

He just needs a bit of time, that's all. Doesn't he deserve that?

And Yasmin needs a father. Doesn't she deserve that?

All clear.

She didn't swallow anything as far as I can tell. So YOU can go home.

-Oh, really? I could've sworn...

-That's great news. Thank you.

I must've dropped it in the park, after all.

What would you do?

-I think you're better off with Fatboy.

-But I really like Tyler.

-He's full of it, Whit.

-Not when you get to know him.

There's nothing to know. Take a walk through his deepest thoughts,

-you wouldn't even get your ankles wet.

-Why are you so down on him?

I'm not.

What's he done to you?

All right, then, Whit, just do what you want. Really, I don't care.

-What aren't you telling me?

-Whit...

Come on, you're hiding something?

Last night. We, um... We were just...

I don't believe it.

-It meant nothing, Whit, seriously.

-Behind my back?

-Behind my back, when you knew how I felt.

-I'm sorry.

-You couldn't wait to get him in your bed, could you?

-It wasn't like that.

Does it make you feel good, does it, throwing yourself at him?

Actually, he made the first move.

And it weren't me who started it, so...

That makes it all right, does it?

All right, what about if I give you SOME of the money that I've made?

How about you give me ALL the money that you made?

Well, I'd not have enough to do something about my roots which I'll need when I come and work for you.

What?!

Just think about it. You could do the whole legal thing -

statements, evidence all of that. It's just a waste of time.

-She has got a point, Rox.

-Or you could give me a job,

which helps me, helps you, helps the economy.

Well, everyone wins, don't they?

-It's kind of like doing community service.

-Only with a wage.

-Well yeah.

-You've got to admit, she is pretty good.

She's better than good. OK. All right, fine, I'll talk to Tanya.

You're not that good.

Tyler! Tyler Moon! You get out here now and you show your face.

Usually a couple of rings on the doorbell does the job.

I actually thought that underneath it all you were different.

-Trust me, I'm a one-off, babe.

-Shut up, Tyler, all right?

Lauren, she told me everything.

You're all the same, aren't you?

You come on to me and when that don't work, you come on to my best mate.

-Why shouldn't I?

-What?

-You were with Fatboy. What am I meant to do?

I trusted you, how stupid was that?

-You're all the same, you just line us up.

-Whit?

Doesn't matter what's above the neck? All that matters is what's working down below. Is that how it works?

-Whit, Whit...

-Is that how it works, Tyler?!

-Come on, babe, come on.

Come on. That's enough. It's all right.

Next time, I'll know the answers.

I realise it wasn't blurb.

Not all of it. Losing a pretty ring like that.

It's a shame you'll never wear it again.

Maybe I'll find an exact replica.

Maybe you will.

Mrs B, she's gone to visit Jim, so, uh...

She's not going to be back for hours.

Well, it looks like we've hit a bit of turbulence,

so if you could return your seats to the upright position, Air Fats will soon be ready for takeoff...

-Fatboy?

-Yeah.

-Shut up.

Yeah.

Maybe I'm mad or something.

You know, cos I really thought that...

I dunno. Maybe it's me.

-Maybe I'm the problem.

-No, you're not.

-No, I am! Come on, think about it.

There's people out there, right, with boyfriends, and husbands,

and they're perfectly happy, ain't they?

But you look at me and every bloke...

Every guy that looks at me just thinks...

Do you know what? You don't want me here.

-I'm sorry, I've spoilt everything.

-You haven't spoilt nothing.

I can go round, blaming them all, but what if...

What if the way they treat me... is what I deserve? Hm?

What if...

-What if it is all my fault?

-You know what? I hate those guys.

They're all players and they're all liars and every single one of them have let you down.

You know why I hate them? It's cos I'm never going to be like that.

But you're so used to seeing the doo-doo that...you're never going to see it.

-See what?

-It doesn't matter what happens, all right?

Or who you see.

For the rest of your life, no-one's going to care about you as much as I care about you right now.

-You've been gone for ages.

-Yeah.

-Must've really needed some work.

I told you, his back was out. He had muscles like boulders.

-Amira must've been bored stiff.

-What d'you mean?

Well, it's Ben. He said he saw you and Amira.

-Well, that's ridiculous.

-Well, that's what he said, Sy.

-He said he saw you and Amira in the park.

-No, it was a client.

-I saw her this morning.

-In the park?

Yeah, she wanted me to meet some friends of hers. Potential clients.

You want to watch him, Christian.

You can't always believe everything he says.

You're right. Look...

I'm sorry.

-Shall I get some take-away?

-I thought you'd never ask.

You get the plates.

233 against 8. You are making this easy for me.

-I'm a qualified bookkeeper. Did you know that?

-No, I didn't.

I ran the Vic. Cab firm, car lot...

Even had the bookies for a while.

I made them all work.

Men have come and gone.

People I loved have died and I've just carried on.

I never felt that there was something that I set my mind to,

that I really wanted...

..a job, or a bloke that I couldn't have.

-Now I can't even go round the corner for teabags.

-Oh, Pat, you will.

-Is this what they call slowing down?

-It might be.

It's pants, isn't it?

-Big pants.

-Sometimes, you just have to make a decision.

-Sorry?

Oh, shut up, keep dealing.

Right, there we go.

Are you OK?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

Kung pao chicken, crispy shredded beef, rice not noodles,

and pak choi in oyster sauce.

-Oh, not garlic?

-I was thinking of later!

-I tell you, I thought my arms were going to drop off today.

-Yeah?

Yeah. My fingers were cramping like you would not believe.

-Really?

-Yeah. Still, home now. No harm done.

Yeah. No harm done.

I just need you to be here, really.

Syed's got the week off and the girls are on a day course.

Good job it's half-term, then, and you've got me.

Yeah. Look, I'm going to be in and out all day,

-and Gaynor is just upstairs.

-I won't need her.

-Good.

So, I want you to answer the phone, take messages,

-and when someone pays, smile.

-And so on.

Help them on with their coats and stuff, OK?

If someone comes in for a manicure, tell them to come back tomorrow

unless Gaynor can squeeze them in.

-And so on, yeah?

-Booty's, good morning.

I'm sorry, there's no-one to take your call at the moment,

but please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you.

-You're not going out, are you?

-I'm running late.

I thought we could have breakfast.

I'd love to, but I'm due in town at ten.

-All right, lunch, then?

-Sorry.

Solicitor's office again, to see Ish.

Don't know how long it'll take.

-Is he still giving us mates rates?

-Keeping an eye on the costs.

Sy, just forget I said that.

Been broke before.

You seeing Yasmin is more than money in the bank.

-Christian.

-Yeah?

I'll cook tonight, shall I?

Yeah, sure. Whatever.

Don't suppose you've heard from Amira at all?

We're playing it cool till the legal stuff's done, you know that.

See you.

-All right?

-Yeah, thanks, Patrick. You're a lifesaver.

It's what I do, all day, every day. Don't thank me.

New tights? Going somewhere special?

Job interview with Janine. We haven't got the greatest history.

I'm a cleaner with her. I didn't know she was looking for anyone else.

No, in the office.

She's got Billy for that.

Maybe she's looking for someone a bit more...upmarket.

He's lovely but, you know, Billy!

Yeah, well, me and Billy, we're like the A Team, right?

I didn't... I didn't mean...

-You are the most...

-No, you're the most.

-No, you're the most.

-No, you're the most.

You ever felt like this before?

-I don't know what you're feeling.

-No, not that, man!

Talking about, like, you know, inside, sort of thing.

You're well funny.

I'm talking about, like, the bubbles. Can't you feel the bubbles?

I put my "Back in five minutes" sign on the counter

cos I couldn't bear to think of you

putting the tins on the wrong shelves again.

Hey, Mrs B, how's it going? How's it hanging?

-You all right?

-It ain't. Nothing's hanging off me.

What are you doing?

Nothing. We're just chilling.

I'm disappointed in you, Arthur.

I thought you had more respect for me.

For my beliefs and this sweet, young girl here.

No, Mrs B. It's not like that.

-Have they been...?

-Rose! I'm going to work.

After my shift, I don't want to come back to Sodom and Gomorrah.

Oh, out of my way, Rose.

You always know when it's half-term -

you can't stock the shelves with biscuits quick enough.

Liam'll get through a whole packet in a half hour if you let him.

-Then don't let him.

-Long time since you've had a kid around, isn't it?

"Dipped in chocolate"?

Huh! They'd have to be dipped in gold for that price.

Oh, dear. I can't sell them now. They're broken.

You broke them yourself!

-No, I didn't.

-Patrick, I saw you!

Oh, Patrick, I was just trying to remember if Liam liked those,

not counting how many pennies I had.

Well, I know that.

Listen, you're a good friend, if I get desperate, I'll tell you.

-It's a deal, then.

-Yeah.

Listen, how you feeling? I heard you wasn't well.

Oh, yeah, I'm feeling fine. More than fine, in fact.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Sometimes things just go right.

-I had this great financial tip, just when I needed it most.

-Good.

So, you needn't have broken them on my account.

As long as you're feeling OK.

So, what am I going to do with these broken biscuits now?

-Dunk them in your tea?

-Oh, I'll have them.

Half of you and half of me, how weird is that?

The best of Amira and Syed!

Tragic if she got the worst of us, eh?

-Worried and sulky and so uncool from you.

-What?!

Vain, silly and spoilt from you. And careless with her jewellery.

Draped in designer gear, with 420 pairs of shoes under her bed.

You are in such trouble!

BABY CRIES

The answer to your question.

Reasonable contact with my daughter. That's all.

Try selling that to my dad.

Why does everything have to be so difficult?

Have you told that man yet?

Christian? No.

Not much of a relationship, if you can't be honest with him.

-Don't.

-I'm not having a go.

I understand.

I mean, I bet it's really difficult telling him anything.

Christian and I are fine. Or at least, we will be.

Only I can sort that out.

I don't want to talk about him any more.

Let's just have some fun.

No-one can make me laugh like you. Go on. Make me laugh.

You're mad.

If you don't make me laugh, you have to buy me a pair of heels.

That's the rules.

THEY LAUGH

-Oh, look. Billy, look.

-Looks good.

Does it look classy? It does, doesn't it?

-It does look sophisticated?

-Yeah, looks great.

It looks like a proper grown-up office, doesn't it?

It's the business. Your business looks the business.

Thanks, Billy. This is it!

This is the start of my life. This is it, day one.

And you'll be able to say that I was there when it all began.

-Oh, that looks lovely.

-I know!

I'd better give Patrick a hand.

Yeah, I should be getting on.

I just want to soak it in for one more minute.

Thank you, Granny. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I didn't know you were into drugs.

-Sorry?

-Butcher's Joints.

Oh, ha-ha (!) Excuse me while I hold my sides.

What about vegetarians? Not exactly going to attract them, is it?

When I'm on my hands and knees, scraping the bottom of the barrel,

I'll be sure to come to you for marketing advice.

She's on form today.

Nothing personal, brother. That's just the way she is.

Oh, it's fine. I just hope someone's there to pick her up when she falls.

Because she will fall, one day.

You sounded like you meant that.

Been there, done that, got the County Court summons.

All right?

How long have you been there?

Do you ever jog with someone?

What, like clients?

Look, Ben, I'm sorry. Just having a bad day.

-What you told me yesterday...

-What, Syed and that woman?

-Thanks for trying to help.

-So, you know it's true, then?

I don't know anything, OK, and I don't want to.

But I appreciate the concern.

Now, I better get off, see if I can beat the rain.

I can come with you if you want.

Ben, this is my job. I take it seriously.

I'm not just going to mess about.

Tell you what, we'll start you off with my warm-up circuit, all right?

-Half-mile jog.

-Nice ones, ain't they?

-Same as yours.

-So they are.

We could take her to the park.

I checked out the swings and there's one for babies.

Not quite a shopping trip to the West End.

Maybe we'll bump into someone I know and I'll be able to show her off.

-As long as it's not my dad.

-Or my boyfriend.

It's not easy, this.

You can't expect me to be best friends with your man.

-It would be so much better if you didn't hate him.

-Better for you?

-And for Yasmin.

-I don't know about that.

Syed, I don't want it to be like this, but you hurt me so much.

-I know.

-I wish I could just sort of be cool about Christian.

-But that's impossible?

-For now.

So, maybe, one day?

Maybe.

When she's 43.

So, the sky wouldn't turn black

and the lake wouldn't actually boil over

if she were to meet him in the park one day?

Well, the lake might steam a bit.

Come on, boy wonder!

Take a break. Sit down.

That's fatal. You got to keep going.

I've got a stitch.

Come on!

Yeah, property management of all sorts.

Right, well, I've just bought number three Albert Square,

so, if you're looking for any short or long term lets,

then, this should be your first port of call.

All right, Hev?

I've come for the keys for Minty's old place -

got to give it a clean up.

-All right if I look around?

-Well, I don't... Hev.

Absolutely fine! Great, I look forward to seeing you at the launch.

See you then. Bye. Heather!

-Morning. I've come to clean up your new property.

-No, no, no.

I need you here now. Please make a start on the glasses.

And then I need you to do the windows and the floors.

Billy, have you got a suit, by the way?

-You know I have, I just thought...

-Wear it tomorrow.

-I hope you'll get it dry cleaned.

-Yeah, course I will.

-Yes?

I've come to see my pops.

Right. Well, Billy, two minutes, because there's lots to do

and no time to waste and please, can you just move this jungle?

Yeah, course.

Stupid cow.

-Do you want to come to the cafe for lunch?

-No, better not.

I'll just see you tonight, yeah?

Do you want me to take your suit to the dry cleaners?

I'll just sponge it down later on.

Here, look. Get yourself something to eat, yeah?

Am I on a diet now or something?

Sorry, babe, that's all I've got.

-Go and get yourself a sandwich. See you later.

-See you.

I'm not sure I'm going to like this cos I get a bit height sick.

-Go!

-Oh, it's moving!

-That's you.

-Shouldn't I have one of them Norwegian jumpers on?

-Balance!

-What?

-Balance! Balance!

-All right, no need to shout!

Right, get ready to jump, now. All right, jump!

-Just a bit too soon!

-That is rubbish.

You're rubbish. Worse than Tiff.

Where are the cocktails on the balcony with Roger Moore?

That's what I'd want if I went skiing.

-Liam, it's all yours.

-Finally!

-Manners, young man.

He's been very patient.

-I did say he could have it for the half-term.

-All week?

I'll do you a swap.

You can have this thing for a week, if I get a day with Nana Pat.

Not a good deal, Norm. She's not worth it.

Oi!

Well, that's him happy.

And now you, Mrs Evans.

Fancy tempting me with a nice cup of tea?

So long as that's all you're tempted to.

If you're coming to the nursing home with me this afternoon, poor Jim,

-he don't want to hear no more of your silly tales.

-He loves it!

A woman taking her teeth out and stuffing them down her brassiere

in order to chew a toffee!

-I had never heard nothing like it in my life!

-It was a dental plate.

That makes it all right, does it?

Who's the funeral tea for?

-So, why aren't you at the salon?

-I got dogs to do the barking.

Anyway, I'm in mourning cos my lovely R&R mural is gone.

Has nasty Janine painted all over your sunbeams?

She's wrecking my life, she is!

Anyway, tell me, what's the news on the unfaithful boyfriend?

Shh! Be with you in a minute, yeah?

Hasn't told me he's seeing her.

All he's got to say is, "Sorry I didn't mention it, but I'm seeing my kid."

And he will! He needs a bit more time.

Yeah, course, once he's left you dangling so long

your life's all used up and no-one wants you any more.

-All right, I'll see you later.

-Bye.

# Grass stains on my brand new white trainers

# On my brand new white trainers

# I know a few guys hate us They're as compelling

# As Neighbours, so laters

# It's blaters we've got our own style... #

Rose, could you give us two minutes, please?

Oh, fine. I'll get us a top up, shall I?

Mrs B, I need to talk to you. About Whitney. About me and Whitney.

If this is about this morning...

Mrs B, you know I'd never disrespect you.

-Is it an apology?

-Yeah, it is!

-Accepted.

I got to go out soon. You ought to be getting back.

The thing is, Mrs B, it's like...

I need some wisdom, don't I, you know?

Some wisdom from the time, of the ages and stuff.

It's not like I'm asking her if it's all right

if we get married or anything, you know I mean?

Well, it's just as well. A refusal often offends.

I didn't say anything cos I didn't think he'd believe me.

Just go to the gym and wait till he's not so busy or something.

What if he does something? What if he says something?

Ben, what exactly is it you think he should know?

-I can't say. Not without telling him first.

-You can't do that.

You can't just leave me hanging like that. Come on.

I wish I was better at this sort of thing.

Oh, Ben! Sit down, sit down.

Listen, it is me, it's Roxy, yeah?

Tell me. I'm his only mate. I should know.

Syed and Amira.

-Oh, that.

-I just saw them.

-Well, no surprises there, then.

At Joanna's Cafe, off the high street.

-I think they're having an affair.

-You're so funny!

No, Ben, you've got that wrong.

I saw them kissing.

-That sort of stuff.

-Kissing?

Yeah, and holding hands and laughing.

-You better be sure about this?

-Yeah.

Cheers.

-Why aren't you at work?

-Gaynor asked me to get her a coffee.

Lola, look, do you need me?

-No, no, I'm fine.

-I'll pop in later, yeah?

-Yeah.

OK. See you later, then.

-Roxy!

-What?

-Can I have a sub?

-No, you can't.

-Till pay day.

-You've only been here five minutes.

-My pops needs...

-No, no, Lola, no.

Coffee, please.

What you so happy about?

-Don't know.

-Will you lend me a tenner?

Jog on.

I don't understand what you're aksing...

I mean, ASKING of me, Arthur.

That's what I mean!

-I can't talk. I don't know what to say.

-Who to?

-Whitney!

Why is it so complicated?

Oh, you mean your feelings for her?

Well, yeah, no, we kind of did the whole feelings thing this morning,

but she didn't really get it. Only thing is, what if I'm wrong?

-I mean, how do I know if we kind of like, if we're like...

-Smitten?

Yeah! You know, how am I supposed to know if she's my soul mate?

Well, you just do.

Do you want to spend the rest of your days with her?

I wish. My heart don't doubt it one bit, Mrs B.

I've got to tell her, I just don't know how.

I don't want to get this wrong. I'd rather cut off my own head.

That's a little extreme, Arthur. Not to say, impossible.

But I've done the whole kind of, sweep off her feet thing.

Whitney's so cool. How's a guy supposed to know?

-He could try asking, for starters.

-So much for privacy, Rose.

-Thank you.

-Oh, man.

-You big wuss.

Come on, we're good together. You don't have to say no more.

-Well, there you are.

-I think that's her blessing.

No, it ain't. Now, you two,

-you've got to be good to one another.

-We will.

We're definitely going to be good to one another other. Hey, baby!

But not like that.

Not under your roof, Mrs B. No way.

Let's get out of here. All right.

Oh, dear.

Feet off.

-Where's Norman?

-Putting his coat on.

-Not going, is he?

-Darling, he don't live here.

-Wish he did.

So that you can play that game all day every day, yeah?

No. It's just nice, isn't it? Him being around.

-Is it?

-Nan!

-What?

You know it is. Everyone likes him but you.

I like him.

Yeah, when you're not being mean.

-Thanks.

-Right, well, that's me.

-Do you have to go?

-Sorry?

You could stay for the evening, if you like.

-Well, I could.

-Or maybe longer?

Till late?

Or early.

Really?

It's time I stopped fighting it.

Oh, Pat.

Hiya, any chance of having my nails done?

Sorry, we're short staffed and booked through.

Right, thanks.

-What did you want doing?

-A French manicure.

-Now?

-Well, yeah.

It's your lucky day! Someone's just called to cancel.

She's only caught her fingers in a shredder, ain't she?

She won't be needing a manicure any time soon.

Well, not till her fingers grow back, eh? Take a seat.

-She wouldn't give her your job, would she?

-Don't know.

Looks classy for a smack head, though.

So do you.

But you work hard, don't you?

When did that ever mean anything, Hev?

I can give you references.

I'm reliable. Trustworthy. Honest.

OK. And personal? Come on, cards on the table. Drug use.

I'm clean. I'm totally clean.

And I'm sober, I'm serious, I'm hard-working,

-I'm committed, I'm...

-Any sign of a little slip,

and you'll be out. Do you understand?

There won't be any slip ups.

Whatever you need, whatever you want, I'll be there.

I could be your receptionist.

Or your assistant, PA, clerk, administrator,

-book-keeper. I'm very, very versatile.

-Good!

That's settled, then. Heather, can you show Rainie the cleaning cupboard?

-Me?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

And you can give her a few pointers, too.

-Two hours a day, minimum wage.

-But...

Take it or leave it.

Well...

..if you put it like that, I'll take it.

Good. Heather can show you what to do.

You could start with the vacuum cleaner.

Not going to wear those shoes, are you?

Christian!

See you later, lads. What do you want?

-Christian.

-What's the matter?

Come on. You'll see.

There we go, one down. Don't worry, the next hand will be better.

You are joking!

Suppose I said half price?

Is everything all right?

Nothing to worry about, Gaynor. Just another happy customer.

We'll have to get Daddy some L plates.

Come on, I just need a bit of practice.

This?

-This is what you wanted to show me?

-I wanted you to see for yourself.

This is about me and Sy. We could've sorted this.

-What are you doing here?

-Looking for you.

-Please, Rox.

You've done enough.

-I can't believe you followed me.

-I didn't. I wouldn't.

Syed, I told you I don't want to speak to him.

Don't worry, love, you're not going to get the chance.

I didn't plan any of this. I wanted you to tell me yourself.

I would have. I tried this morning.

I gave you so many chances. Why couldn't you just talk to me?

I didn't know how.

-Syed, I need to go.

-Just wait a minute!

So, you've known all along?

Since yesterday. Photo popped up on your phone.

Then, there was Ben -

telling the truth. I should've realised myself, really.

-All the trips into town, excuses.

-I'm no good with the heavy stuff.

And that's it? You didn't tell me because you couldn't face me?

-I wanted to.

-Oh, Sy, just change the record, will you?

-You're such a coward.

-I don't want to do this now.

-Amira, just go.

-No! You, hang on! You and him.

Have you even discussed getting a divorce?

-Is any of this true?

-None of your business.

Syed, call me.

Roxy, what the hell did you think you were doing?

Don't you dare try and hang this on her. This is you.

-You're the guilty one here.

-She was coming round.

Why should I believe anything you say?

-When all you've done is lie.

-I was that close.

I keep defending you.

Every time you'd go into town to see Ish...

..that was all make-belief, as well.

You've not been to see him or any other solicitor, have you?

I'm sorry. I meant to tell you.

Lying is always easier than telling the truth.

-If that's what you think.

-It's not what I think.

It's what I know.

You don't need me. You've got your little fan club, here.

So, please can you make sure that these are all hand delivered?

-What, tonight?

-No, Billy, next week. Yes, tonight.

-No, he finishes at five.

-What are you? The talking clock?

See you tomorrow.

Can you make sure you lock up properly?

I'll be here to supervise Rainie's first day.

Oh, please. What, lessons in dusting?

Can you just make sure that you're here

to do all the washing up after the launch party.

Night.

Do you know what? I thought I was going to be Rainie's supervisor.

I thought I was executive director.

Here, look, come on, this'll cheer you up.

The bloke down the market was locking up,

so, I got you this shirt and tie for half price,

and I got another fiver knocked off.

-Blimey.

-Yeah, hardly cost me nothing.

Where did you get all this "nothing" from?

Tips. Every time we help the old girls on with their coats,

they give us an extra couple of quid.

-Yeah, but you share that out with Gaynor?

-Who?

Yes, of course I do. You're going to look so smart.

Everyone's going to think you're the boss

and Cruella de Vil is the tea girl.

I wish you hadn't followed me.

I was going to tell you tonight,

and I really had started to persuade her.

So, the silent treatment's going to help, is it?

I'm going out, so don't wait up, yeah?

You're letting Roxy ruin everything.

No, Sy. We did that all on our own.

Not just once, but over and over again.

-How many chances was I supposed to give you, eh?

-Don't go out.

-Let's just get this sorted.

-It's sorted.

In my mind, it's sorted.

It's me or the baby.

Good morning!

It would be good if I didn't have to go to work.

-No, thanks, I don't have the time.

-Not for you.

Morning, Norman.

Morning, Carol.

That's why you're so cheerful.

You never?

Didn't we?

Pops! Oi.

-You should be on your way to work. You don't get any lie-ins for half term any more, y'know.

-Yes, I know.

I just want to see what you look like. Come here.

What you going to do next? Wet your hankie, wipe me face?

Right. Looking mean.

It's my hard stare, innit?

-See ya later, pops. Knock 'em dead.

-I will. I'll see you later.

See you later.

-Shh.

-What's the matter? Can't take it? Getting old?

Where you off to, then? Going to stalk Syed?

Dunno what I'm doing, Rox.

All I know is I'm sick of the lies and sick of worrying about him...

-But you love him.

-Yeah.

That never changes.

I wish it did...

-And fix your hair, it looks a mess.

-All right, thank you.

-This should really be a happy time, shouldn't it?

-Life's never that simple.

Fact is, Sy, you've got a daughter.

-I've got a niece. You're a dad!

-DOORBELL

I'll get it.

Yeah, I know that, Tambo.

Yeah, and dads fix things, Sy, they don't sit around feeling sorry for themselves.

Dad's going to fix this family, is he? Even though his wife and son are somewhere in Pakistan

-and no-one has any idea when they'll be back?

-I will fix my family, yeah.

-Sorry, Dad. I didn't mean...

-And wherever Kamil is, I know his mother's looking after him.

-So I try not to worry.

-I'll get you some tea.

-I wasn't having a go.

-S'all right.

-I know! Why don't we have lunch?

We don't have to be at the restaurant till later in the afternoon. I'll call Amira.

Stop. I just...I can't do this.

Of course you can, with me by your side.

-Please, let's just get out of here, OK?

-You need to calm down.

Take deep breaths. Here, swallow these.

-I need some water.

-No, you don't. Take it.

To be so afraid of facing my own children.

It's Masood we should be concerned about, not the children.

I wish we'd never come back.

The sooner we face everyone, the sooner we can finish

with all of this and then we can start our new life in Pakistan.

Yes?

-Amira!

-What?

-That's Amira! Syed's wife.

-What would she be doing in Walford?

Don't be silly.

-No, that is her. I'm sure.

-Come on.

I'll take you to the cafe. You need a drink to calm down.

We don't want your family to see you like this.

You'd think someone would be here by now.

Too early. They'll be here, don't you worry.

And that's your amazing business brain clicking into action, is it?

"Don't you worry". What are you wearing?

New shirt and tie.

From his granddaughter. It's nice, innit?

-I'm off.

-Where are you going?

I'm going to make it happen, Billy.

Because that is what successful business people do.

What if they all start turning up?

Oh... Use your initiative.

Right...

I will.

Oh, yes...

You look like a happy fella.

I've loved Pat all my life...

From afar, of course.

Can't quite believe it's finally happened for me.

-Sorry.

-Don't be.

Nice to see a fella find his soulmate.

-All we need to do now is fix you up with the woman of your dreams.

-No, no, I've done with all that.

Just give me my rum, music, and I'm a happy man.

-Bit of sunshine'd be nice, though, eh?

-That too, yes, man. Sunshine.

Blue sky, and a gentle breeze down my back...

You know, I might book a trip to the Caribbean.

You won the lottery?

-Did a bit of business. Commission.

-What kind of business?

You own property, right? If you ever need money quick, you come to me and I'll see you right.

How can you manage that?

I pass all your details to the right person.

Then, when the deal goes through, I'm in for some nice commission.

-I'm splitting this one down the middle with Pat, of course.

-What kind of deal is this?

Personal loan. All above board and honest. No questions asked.

-Satisfaction guaranteed.

-Norman?

Another coffee, please.

-One tea.

-Thank you.

What about yours?

I've something to do at the surgery.

You're not going to leave me, are you?

-Five minutes.

-You all right?

Yes. Thank you. Just tired, you know.

-Well, it's a long journey, isn't it?

-Yeah.

You see? Everyone knows your business, and no-one's going to make it easy for you.

-What, you think that was a...?

-A criticism, yes.

What else? You sit tight. Don't move.

I won't be long.

No, no, Pat.

I'm coming round straight away.

I'm just letting Daddy know we're here.

Doctor Khan.

What do you think you're doing here?

We're trying to sort things out, me and Syed.

But there is no you and Syed.

But I'm texting him right now.

Why didn't you return my solicitor's phone calls?

It was very kind of you, but really it's something me and Syed can sort out.

Let me explain. They don't want you here.

But... Syed and I are talking, he's met Yasmin.

You really don't know how miserable your life will be, or hers,

if you don't take my advice. OK?

Good. So our business is done.

You only took them days off cos Dr Khan wasn't here.

It was my right! I was owed it.

I told you not to bring them files home but you never listen.

It's so busy at the surgery all the time. The telephone's going...

Oh, why did Dr Khan have to come home today?

-You're like the foolish virgin, you are, you ain't got no oil in your lamp.

-Oh, very Christian.

You just stand there, don't worry about helping me, will you?

Did I say I wouldn't help you?

Now, you get them into piles and we'll take 'em over the surgery

and I shall file 'em and I shall bring order to chaos.

Come on, chop-chop, faster.

I'm not that bothered, it's just you did say you'd come.

-I said I'd try.

-OK. Fine. No big deal. It's up to you.

-I'm due in town anyway.

-Yeah, good. Great. Off you go.

Hang on, I'm sorry. What can I do? If I could I would.

Anyway, I've got clients waiting. I've got deals to be done...

-Good luck.

-I won't need it.

-There you go.

-Cheers, Bill.

To celebrate your umpteenth engagement.

Who knows, registry office might finally give me a discount, I might even get it right this time.

-Whoa! Do you mind?

-No. Billy, what are all these losers doing here?

I used me initiative, didn't I? Get the place buzzing.

-Yeah, because Ian's really likely to buy a penthouse, isn't he?

-I might.

Ian...I was wondering if you've done our rent contract?

You haven't moved into his fleapit, have you? He'll have done you over the second he saw you.

She's joking.

Billy. Get...rid.

I can't do that!

Excuse me!

Please can I have your attention?

My idiot caretaker seems to have made a bit of an idiot mistake.

He ain't a caretaker.

If you could please get your snout out of the trough,

and leave. Thank you.

Everyone's laughing at you.

Tragic, eh? You're the local joke, you are.

Well, not quite as funny as your old granddad in a disgusting shirt

and a 50p tie.

Um, Pat, yesterday you were talking about some financial advisor.

Tell me about it now, man.

There's nothing to tell. I had a problem, now I haven't.

And the answer to this problem. It was Norman, wasn't it?

Well, Pat, tell me you didn't fall for it.

Tell me you didn't take out a loan against this house.

My son, Simon, needed money.

-I knew it!

-But it's a good deal. They're not loan sharks.

He told me, for every idiot he introduces to this scam, he makes a whole heap of money!

Which he's splitting with me. It's not a scam. And I'm not an idiot.

But an instant loan, no questions asked? Come on, it's got to be fishy.

-You don't know that.

-Pat, listen to me - all these instant loan places,

as soon as you miss a payment, as soon as you default, they cash in.

I bet you took his word for it and signed on the dotted line.

There you go again, mistaking me for some a gullible old fool.

Bye, Patrick.

-Pat...

-Bye!

He's nearly asleep.

Be a shame to wake him.

Are you ready?

No.

Remember, you have me.

I'll look after you.

I'm sure Kamil won't mind if his little niece shares this.

-Hello...

-Mum!

-Dad!

Hello, darling.

So you're back, finally.

-Yes.

-Why didn't you phone?

-We tried to.

-Phone lines aren't always reliable.

-And we tried to call.

-We tried both your mobiles every day.

-I'd lost mine...

-Sorry, time just sped by,

reception was terrible, you know how it is.

We were really worried about you. Are you OK? Where's Kamil?

He's sleeping. I'll take him up to his room shortly.

We thought you'd, like, fallen off the edge of the world or something.

-I'm so sorry.

-You don't have to apologise, Zainab.

You know your mother wasn't well, she needed a break.

Well, how is everyone?

Everything all right?

We've got loads to tell you.

OK, well, tell me.

Have you needed me?

Is everyone well?

Tell her.

Amira had a baby.

I'm a dad.

What?!

You've got a granddaughter.

So much for a private enterprise.

Not one single, solitary, solvent...

Sucker?

Thank you. So that's your entire input for the day, is it?

-It's not my fault your contacts didn't come.

-No?

Did you actually send the invitations out, Billy?

WOLF-WHISTLE

What's going on?

-I don't get it.

-It's nothing to do with me.

But it's obviously working.

Hi.

Hiya. Come through.

John!

Lovely to see you. Hi, come in.

Mariott Holdings. Show time, Billy! Smile.

Me, a grandmother!

I can't believe it.

Oh, Yusef, isn't it amazing?

She really is lovely, Mum.

I can't wait to see her. So, when can I see her?

Amira's bringing her over for lunch. So, not long now.

-So, how was the holiday.

-Oh, who cares?

A holiday is a holiday. Where's my grandchild?

Have a look under you bed, Tiff, I dunno where it is.

You and Norman can have your tea after everyone else, give you some peace and quiet.

-I dunno what we're doing.

-You're not going out again, are you?

You're s'posed to be taking it easy.

Yeah.

What's the matter, Pat? You all right?

Nothing. Just leave me alone.

Oh. Charming(!)

Sometimes you just want your own company.

That's a nice thought when you've just met a new fella.

Please, Carol!

OK, all right.

Tell you what, that Norman needs a medal

if he's going to take you on.

Oh...

Sorry.

All right, Tam?

Sorry, Christian. I was, um...

Sorry. Sorry.

-Stop apologising, will ya?

-No. I mean, yeah.

They're just... They're just in case... Um...

Yasmin. You can say her name, you know. I'm not going to turn into the Hulk.

Right. Yeah, it's just a family meal.

-Dinner. Well, it's lunch. So I just got some cake.

-Good.

-Everyone's together.

-Mum's back.

-Yeah.

-Right.

-And she's not seen Yasmin yet.

So we're all excited to see her with...

-I better get back.

-Tam...

this might sound like a stupid question, but...

Syed is...all right?

He's happy. Yeah. I think he wishes you were there.

J for James.

Comes after I for Incompetence.

I do know my alphabet, thank you, Dot.

And here is Jones. That comes after...

Oh, my word.

-What?

-These test results have been lying here for two weeks.

You never did nothing with them.

Give them to me.

The locum never even saw them.

-Dr Khan'll see it tomorrow.

-It's too late.

Alan Jones.

Oh, he's a lovely man. He's a member of my church.

His funeral...is tomorrow.

Hey.

Hey.

Battery was down again.

Maybe you should get a new one.

It'd help if I plugged it in sometime.

So good night with Roxy?

Yeah, exhausting.

-Hard work, having fun.

-She seems to manage it.

Yeah. She does.

-TOGETHER:

-Look, Sy.

-Look, Christian.

Sy, you've got a daughter.

I can't begin to imagine what that feels like.

I saw Tam earlier and...

..he seemed so happy.

You know, all the family together.

Got me thinking, that must be a part of what you're feeling right now.

I know I've treated you really badly...

I'm not going to ruin what you've got.

I'm not going to keep trying to make you choose.

I miss you.

I'm taking a step back.

-Christian, no.

-So...

you go and spend the day with your little girl.

And then you come home to me.

Thank you.

You see these people on TV and think "I wouldn't fall for that."

-Pat...

-But I did, didn't I? With a little help from a friend.

All you have to do is keep up the re-payments. It'll be fine.

And if I miss one, I've had it.

They don't care about my repayments.

They're going to get their money back by selling this house!

My house!

You needed cash for your son. I was trying to help.

Some help! You're just like Frank, aren't you? Just like him!

-No, no, Pat.

-Except he wasn't a well-meaning moron.

You're over-reacting!

At least some of his schemes stood a chance of success.

-This one, forget it!

-I'll bring your share of the commission. That'll make you feel better.

Write a cheque and post it.

I'll give you my share.

Please, Pat, don't do this to me, please.

-You know how I feel about you.

-But this isn't about YOU, is it?!

I don't care if it's one-sided.

I don't mind if you don't feel the same way.

I'm sorry, but I mind.

Pat.

Please. Please, Pat.

You're weak, and I don't need a weak man.

Goodbye.

I never want to see your face again.

SHE SIGHS

That's the sunset on Karachi beach...

How do you feel about Amira now?

-Are you getting on?

-Yeah.

She's a good mother.

Almost as good as mine.

Thank you.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

And how does Amira feel about me now?

How should she feel? What do you mean?

What if she's realised I knew about you and Christian but still let you marry?

Mum. I'm not going to tell her that.

Has she forgiven you?

As much as she can. It's Christian she can't forgive. She won't have anything to do with him.

MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

That's a shame.

It's Amira.

Dad, it's a happy occasion, yeah?

What, forget about all the worries of the last two weeks?