06/11/2011 EastEnders Omnibus

'Any time now, all right Syed?'

Mum, I'll be there in a minute.

-'There's food to cook, decorations to go up. They'll be here soon.'

-I know.

'I've just had to send your dad out for stuff. Tamwar forgot it.'

If you let me get off the phone I can come over there and make a start.

'Right, just get here please, Syed.'

DOOR CLOSES

Christian!

He's really sweet.

Don't get too excited, it's only a teddy from the market.

-Syed!

-Two secs.

-Sounds like someone needs you.

-Yeah, someone needs you too.

You're part of my life, every bit as much as Yasmin.

It's just early days.

You watch. This time next year, you'll be giving her this yourself.

-Syed!

-Trust me.

What you doing?

THEY GIGGLE

PHONE RINGS

Agh!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I'm sorry.

Any sign of that courier?

-Yes. I'm so sorry.

-I'll do that. You get off.

-Are you sure?

-I'm sure.

Oh...

-Come on, Yasmin.

-Hi.

-Hey, Afia.

Hey, have you lost weight?

-Don't think so.

-No. Maybe you're right.

-Her child could only have been born on Halloween.

-Hmm.

DOOR CLOSES

Right, I've been looking round.

This place is a pigsty.

-What's wrong?

-I should be in my dream home now with my dream husband.

-Jode...

-We've just had to move out of a cheap bedsit that stank of chip fat...

and now we're living with two disgusting boys.

Look, what have I told you?

Yep, you're right, I've got to be strong.

And we will soon have this place spic and span.

-Well, why?

-Why, what?

Did WE turn this place into a pigsty?

Well, no... but we'll be living in it.

Why?

Because we'll be living here.

Ground rules, Jode. Ground rules.

PHONE RINGS

-Did you get everything?

-Everything but the kitchen sink.

We'll just have to make do with this one, won't we?

-Oieee!

-What are you doing? Don't answer that.

Syed, you are finishing off the food. Tamwar and Amira

-are decorating the front room...

-Just like old times.

Today is going to be all right, isn't it, Mas?

Will I behave myself, you mean?

There's been so much upset recently.

Today we'll be one big, happy family.

-Syed? Have you finished the balloons?

-Nearly.

-Nearly?

Either you're doing them or you're not.

Afia! Come downstairs right now.

You do know Yasmin's not going to take any of this in.

And what has any of this got to do with Yasmin?

-She won't even look at half the presents.

-So I'll open them for her.

Or eat any of the food.

She won't get a chance, once Afia gets started.

Talking of presents...

It's from Christian. You can try, at least.

-He is and it's not easy for him either.

-Or for you.

Juggling all of this.

Your little girl, all you've got going on at home.

It has its moments.

I bet sometimes you think, "Just give me an easy life."

-A life without Christian, you mean?

-Well...

-It would be easier.

-Yeah?

But it wouldn't be the life I want.

So it wouldn't be much of a life at all then, would it?

'I don't know.'

-Oh, come on, it'll be fun.

-I'm not in the mood for a party.

This ain't just a party, you know,

this is our Halloween party and it's washed down

with gallons, and I mean gallons, of booze.

Feel free to bring your own bottle though.

-Look, everyone'll be there.

-Everyone'll be where?

Almost everyone's going to be there.

Come on, Chrissy. What else you going to do tonight? Sit ups?

I'll think about it. See you later, maybe.

-See ya, darling.

-You better.

And how are you feeling today?

-Top of the world.

-What?

-After the weekend you've had?

-In the pink.

If it weren't for my strong-rooted faith, I would sometimes wonder.

Wonder what?

-Is there any justice in the world.

-You're not jealous, are you?

Jealous? What, of you staying out all night,

making an exhibition of yourself?

No. Of me getting on so well with your dishy vicar.

He is not my vicar.

You can't call a man of the cloth dishy.

It isn't one of the Ten Commandments, but it should be.

And as for getting on with him, throwing yourself at him, more like.

So, we won't be seeing too much of him?

I'd be surprised if we see anything of him.

-That's odd. He's coming up your path.

-What?

Oh, my Lor'. Look at the state of... Here, get yourself out of sight.

Go on, I mean it. I am not going to be humiliated by you, no more.

-You not talking to me or something?

-Why do you say that?

-You blanking me for one thing.

-Look, what was you and Abi just talking about?

This club we're going to tonight. You know the new one on the High Street?

I convinced some girl to give us some free passes

-earlier on in the market.

-Oh, right.

Why, what did you think we was talking about? Last week, right?

You muppet. Come on.

-We should still be down the Emporium.

-Priorities, Ant.

What? Closing up early...or girls.

-Exactly. Cup of tea?

-Oh, yeah, could murder one.

Thirsty work all this moving.

Oh, no, we haven't got any clean mugs.

No, haven't exactly got any clean anything, have you?

-We really have let things go since Dad moved out.

-Yeah, just a bit.

Only you realise it when someone else moves in.

Well, thank goodness we're here, eh?

Yeah. Milk, one sugar for me. Same for Jode.

You keep telling me you've sent them,

but I'm telling you they've not arrived.

-Yes. Please check again.

-Yusef?

Right, well, thanks for that.

Zainab.

I need some more pills.

With this party happening today, I didn't sleep very well last night.

Are you sure you don't want me to be there?

Yusef.

I'm just thinking of you, that's all, a little moral support.

Mas has promised to behave himself.

And you believe him?

He's been much better since we got back from Pakistan.

-Or he's pretending to be.

-I don't want to rock the boat.

People don't change in just a few weeks.

It is not just me that thinks so, Syed and Tamwar think that as well.

I really think that I need to give him a chance.

Amira can't even mention our name to her father.

I don't want the same situation with our family.

I'll get you some pills.

So what are we going to do then? I mean, we can't go to a club sober.

-What about Motormouth?

-Who?

Kim. Ain't going to cost us nothing if we get her booze.

-Pinch it?

-It's a party, she won't even miss it.

-Bet she will.

-Are you bottling it?

No.

Good, cos Ben ain't bottling it. Ben don't bottle nothing, do ya?

-Oh, so you're going to break into the B&B and steal all of Kim's booze?

-No.

I know someone who is.

ThunderCats! Ho!

What do you think?

Thought we'd round up people in costume.

No. You did. I didn't.

Showing 'em what they're missing if they don't turn up. Know what I mean?

KIM HUMS

Ooow! Yeah!

You could go with her.

Hope you enjoy the party.

Qadim. There's something you should know.

Well, you know me, I'm always glad to do my bit.

You know, when the display is all arranged,

I'm going to take a photograph, so as I can show Jim.

Nice idea. It really makes a difference at this time of the year.

It raises everyone's spirits.

Having something bright and colourful to look at.

Oh, sorry, am I interrupting anything?

Rose, how nice to see you again.

Mr Stevens and I are in the middle of arranging the flower rota.

-Actually, I think we just finished that.

-Oh, did we? Oh, yes, of course.

Time for coffee then?

-I've already extended hospitality to the vicar.

-You're staying to eat then?

-Pardon?

-Oh, sorry, Dot, is that not what you meant?

-I really wouldn't want to impose.

-I'm glad you're staying,

because I've had this awful feeling all weekend that I've embarrassed you.

I thoroughly enjoyed our little chat.

-You're just saying that.

-To prove it, I'd love to stay for something to eat.

Oh, fine, fine. Yes, of course.

Hello. Big Halloween party, 7 o'clock, just there, Kimberley's Palace.

Don't be late. You'll have fun. Looking good.

-Well?

-They're organising a party.

People'll be in and out all the time.

Yeah, now that we've got him a costume.

-They'll recognise me.

-Come on, as if.

They'll think you're one of those loser trick or treaters.

What if someone says something? They'll know my voice right off.

Liam, look just go will you? Go on, go.

While he's doing that, let's go down the R&R.

-It won't be open.

-That's the perfect time to nick some of their booze.

Come on.

Hey! Christian. 7 o'clock. Do not be late.

You look great, babe.

KIM PURRS

-See ya.

-See ya later.

I should thank you for Yasmin's present.

Syed was touched. Which was probably the point I suppose.

I'm not trying to make a point, Amira.

You've done so much damage already. Just let Syed have one day with his proper family.

My bishop told me everything about him.

What he looked like, the car he was driving, even the colour of his hair.

Just made it all the more curious he never mentioned that my new chaplain

-only had the one arm.

-He's a riot! Where did you find him?

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

The stories you tell. The people you've met.

I wish I'd met you years ago.

It is a shame now I come to think about it.

Yeah, all the fun I've missed out on.

All the heartache she wouldn't have caused me.

-You don't mind me talking about this, Rose?

-Talking about what?

-Well, the problems you've had.

-Piccalilli?

-All the trouble you've caused.

-Ham?

-You know, the time you was in prison.

-Prison?

Yes, I had to go down to the police station, she was 15 going on 20.

It was mistaken identity. I was only in overnight.

And then there was your bigamy.

That wasn't my fault. That was Charlie.

Yes, but that was cos you were such a flibbertigibbet.

I mean, you only had to ask me if I was alive.

I mean, perhaps it is a pity that you didn't meet

the Reverend before. He might have been able to do something

about your addiction to the sleazy side of life.

I mean, pardon me for saying that, Rose.

Sorry, vicar.

I've already told you, it's not here.

Yes.

I suppose you thought that was funny.

-What?

-Airing my dirty linen in front of the vicar.

Oh, he's used to seeing it - he's a vicar.

Anyway, I don't find any of your actions remotely amusing.

So why'd you bring it up, then?

And neither did the vicar, from the look on his face.

-You said there'd be no-one there.

-It's probably cos it's Halloween - he's early.

Lo's right - we've just got to butter him up.

SHE MOUTHS

One at a time, all right?

One at a time!

Must have got mixed up with my magazines. I'm sorry. Was it important?

-Ain't you coming back inside, Rose?

-Not much point now, is there?

Oh, the vicar won't hold your past sins against you, no matter how numerous they are.

He certainly won't.

-More tea, Vicar?

-No, thank you.

-And there's no need for you to worry about creating a bad impression, Rose.

-Isn't there?

In my book, to have been tested and to have come out the other side...

Well, that beats not being tested at all.

You really must tell me more about your journey through life's rich tapestry.

Why not now?

Oh, no, this ain't the place for it.

-Absolutely. We'll go to the pub, eh?

-I'll just get my coat.

-Yasmin...

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Were you expecting anyone else?

-I haven't invited anyone.

-DOORBELL CONTINUES

-It's probably some grubby local doing ridiculous trick or treating.

Tamwar, can you please get rid of them before they wake up Kamil? Come on!

Afia, go and get the cake. Masood can get the candles.

OK.

OK, then we'll all make a wish together.

Tamwar, who is it?

Qadim.

DOOR CLOSES

Are they the results?

-Well?

-I don't know.

I thought I'd leave that to you.

How dare you come here? How dare you bring my granddaughter to this house?

-Qadim.

-Get your coat.

-And Yasmin's things.

-Qadim.

You made the biggest mistake of your life marrying this creature and now...you come here while he...

While he does what, Qadim?

Celebrates his daughter's birthday, like I did, like you did, like every man in the world would do?

I said, get your things.

We haven't cut the cake yet. We've got balloons and presents.

-Please, Dad, stay.

-We're not staying a moment longer. I won't let these people infect you.

-Qadim, please.

-I'm warning you. I will take my daughter and my granddaughter by force if I have to.

Then you'll have to.

What kind of man are you to stand in front of me?

-What kind of man produces a son like that?

-What kind of man pays thugs to beat up other men?

-Syed.

Yasmin is my granddaughter too, Qadim.

Do not remind me.

And if you take her or Amira by force,

then you'll find out exactly what kind of man I am.

You are my child, Amira.

Haven't I always done my best for you?

-Yes, of course.

-So you've defied me once by coming here and now you defy me again by staying?

-You'll choose this kind of people over your own family?

-It's not about choice -

I want Yasmin to know all her family.

It IS a choice.

You leave with me or you stay without me.

And I mean without me.

I'll wait for you in the car.

-What, he actually said that?

-Yeah, told me it was past my bedtime.

And he told me to take my little sister home, an' all.

Why you looking so smug? You got in and didn't even get any.

-They was restocking - there were people everywhere, I had no chance.

-Oi. Where've you been?

Liam.

Liam, what's that?

So...you've finally seen sense.

-Where's Yasmin?

-Dad, please, just give us a few more minutes.

No, not one more second. How many times have I got to tell you?

-These people don't exist.

-But they do.

Not for us. Not any more.

Syed is still my husband.

He's nobody. He's nothing. He's...

I asked you once before and I'll ask you again -

would a grave prove that to you?

-What kind of a monster are you?

-Syed.

-You want to threaten me, do it to my face.

-Syed, please, this really isn't helping.

You may be able to bully your daughter like the coward you are, but not me.

You would not believe what I could do to you.

We're cutting the cake.

Amira.

-Are you coming back?

-No, she's not.

Amira?

You take his hand, you... go back in that house...

..and you are no longer my daughter.

Amira.

Are you sure you're OK?

Yasmin isn't going to be one again. No-one is going to spoil that.

I'm sure your father will come round. You've got two families now.

Everyone make that wish.

Don't go in there, go to Kimberley's Palace.

Yeah, you've got free drinks...ish. Food and drink.

Ah! Now that has definitely got to be

-the best vicar outfit for the evening.

-It should be. He IS a vicar.

What, in real life? The genuine article?

Mate, I got to take a picture of this!

One sexy cat draped round a real-life vicar? Take the money shot.

I don't think so.

Oh, it's just a bit of harmless fun.

Harmless fun!

Look, just take this, press that button. Quick, quick, quick.

POSH ACCENT: Oh, Vicar!

Hang on a minute. I'll be back, all right? Don't go nowhere.

-You're hammered.

-Be even more hammered if you'd got the booze from the R&R.

Yeah, maybe I should have copped off with the barman.

-You would've slept with the barman just for booze?

-Yeah, why not?

-Don't you think sex should be with someone special?

-What do you think, Ben?

-All right. No big deal, I guess.

-That is doing it my way, though. Ain't tried it yours.

-What are you talking about?

-Come on, don't tell me you ain't guessed yet.

Ben?

Well...yeah.

-You have?

-Well, yeah, everyone has. No-one says anything, that's all.

It's no big deal.

You're right, you know. I am totally hammered!

Er, not on that, you're not.

And you need to thank your lucky stars that you took the fruit punch.

The what?

If you'd lifted the proper stuff,

you wouldn't be walking straight, let alone talking straight - trust me.

Thank you.

Happy Halloween.

OK, I'm coming. I'm coming.

-No more interruptions, please.

-I'll just be five minutes.

-Syed?

-Sorry.

-PHONE RINGS

Not you as well.

It's Libby. Hello?

Amira?

OK, before you start, I'm sorry, all right?

-I didn't want to spoil your party.

-What is this?

I need to talk to you.

-You just couldn't stand it, could you?

-Sy, please.

-All of us together, you here alone?

-Amira.

Haven't we had enough upset today?

Whatever he wants, can't it just wait?

-Amira's right, this isn't the time.

-I just need a few minutes.

No, Syed. Not now. Not after everything.

It's our daughter's birthday.

Are you absolutely sure of that?

What?

So innocent, aren't you?

So sweet.

What game are you playing now?

-You're a fine one to talk about games, sweetheart.

-Christian?

-Look, I wanted to do this just you and me.

-Do what?

We'll do it like this, shall we?

-What is this?

-It's a paternity test.

Yeah. I tricked you. Went behind your back. Now, I'm not proud of that but as far as I'm concerned,

it was justified. Cos now there's proof.

-Proof of what?

-Proof that Yasmin isn't yours, all right?

She can't be. It's a medical impossibility.

Now, that test compares a strand of your hair with a strand of Yasmin's. There's no match.

-That's impossible.

-Meaning you are not the father.

Now, you can do what you want with that test, show it to who you like.

Sy, she's not yours.

Syed.

And I will not have you lied to.

Syed.

I think you should leave.

So we're supposed to take time off work,

head all the way over to Oxford...

Darren's having a meltdown, OK?

Anybody know what's happening now?

-Well, Libby wants us to go to Oxford, cos Darren's...

-With your brother and his wife, you...

Amira?

-I thought you were trying - that's what the present was for.

-The present was because I felt guilty.

OK? I woke up in the morning and I was like...

Sy, does it even matter? The test - that's what's important, surely?

You said you tricked me over that - went behind my back. Maybe you tricked me over the result.

You haven't, have you?

She really isn't mine, is she?

He's deceiving you. All of you.

I don't know what he's done or how he's done it, but it's not true.

You're my family. You said so yourself.

Yasmin is your grandchild.

You shouldn't even have to think - you should believe me 100%, no questions asked.

It's just the shock, Amira.

You don't believe me, do you?

-Maybe Oxford might be less...

-Yeah.

FRONT DOOR CLOSES

-You loved me once. At least you said you did.

-I did.

-Then you should know if I'm telling the truth.

Yasmin is yours. I don't know what he's done or how but she's yours, Syed,

and for the sake of our daughter - OUR daughter - tell me you believe me.

I want to believe you. Of course I do.

I'm looking you in the eyes, Syed.

There was no-one else.

There hasn't been anyone else since.

-Don't tell me you prefer to believe a lie on a piece of paper.

-I don't PREFER to believe anything.

He's playing you.

All of you. I don't know how, but this is a trick.

He promised me it wasn't.

He looked me in the eyes, too.

And you prefer to believe him, not me?

You're doing it again, aren't you?

All of you.

It wasn't enough to humiliate me by leaving me like that -

you want to paint me as a liar and a cheat, too.

I fell in love with a man and married him, all in good faith, and bore him a child.

That's all I've ever done.

We don't want to believe it, but...

I don't believe it.

-I don't believe you've been unfaithful.

-What are you saying - Christian falsified the test?

I don't believe that either. He's many things, but he's not a fool.

I think someone else did.

I do enjoy a bit of egg.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

-What?

-That is a human hair off a human head.

You could sue for that.

Look.

There is something seriously wrong with you.

-All right, boys.

-All right, girls.

D'you see that?

Totally checked me out then.

-Anthony's such a cutie.

-Aw, he is cute, isn't he?

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

No, she's in the loo.

I know he's our housemate

-and I know I used to like his brother, but I think I might have a thing.

-A thing?

Yeah. I just wish I knew if he liked me back.

I'll find out. I'll find out for you.

Will you? Will you find out for me?

-Course I will. I'd do anything for you.

-Aw, Jode...

-Are you two for real?

-Shirl...

-What?

-Oi! Nose-ache!

-Did you wash your hands?

You have got raw meat next to cooked meat. You trying to kill someone?

-Funny you should ask that...

-I don't think she did wash her hands.

This place don't belong to you.

-This place used to be packed at lunchtime. It's gone downhill.

-Shirl.

-What?

-Phil's coming home.

Yeah, to no customers and a fridge full of E.coli. He's going to love you, ain't he?

Don't look so worried.

We'll have this place buzzing by the time he's hit the M25.

Tell Dad I'm sorry.

Tell him I want to come home.

Please!

Amira's in a state.

Qadim won't take her back in. Our granddaughter doesn't have a home.

-I am tired, Masood.

-Our granddaughter, Zainab.

I can't think right now.

You know why this is happening, don't you?

Yusef.

She lied.

-She lied because she wants you back.

-I don't know.

Oh, come on, she wants the baby to be yours and you away from me.

You've got to see that, surely?

He must've had access to the tests. He's tampered with them!

-You can't know that.

-Yes, I can.

Why would anyone else do it? He did it.

You cheated on her. Not that much of a stretch to think she had a couple of guys on the go.

-We don't know that, Christian.

-I do know you could barely touch her.

You slept with her, what, two, three times at the most?

All right? She is lying.

Do the test again.

He's a liar. He wanted you and he wanted to split up our family.

You've got no proof, Masood!

Masood, where are you going? Masood, wai...!

Well, that makes things easier.

-What does?

-You not being in the flat.

I gave you till the end of the month to pay up. And you didn't, so...

-eviction day.

-You can't do that, Janine.

-Says who?

-Says the law.

-Well, you obviously don't know me very well, do you?

Now, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way.

Oh...

Oi!

Roxy!

Can you move? Move, move!

You see, the easy way is so boring, Janine.

-He's with a patient.

-You heard her, Masood.

-I'll call the police if I have to.

-Fine.

-Goodbye.

-Goodbye, doctor. Thank you.

Rose, go and have your lunch. Now.

-I have home visits to make...

-Tell her. Tell her you did this.

-This is absurd.

-You falsified the tests!

How did I do that? When? I'm a doctor, Masood. I have ethics.

God, you're so arrogant. "I'm a doctor." You're also Zainab's ex-husband!

-That has nothing to do with anything.

-Doesn't it?

If the test was tampered with - and that's a big if -

-there's only one person responsible.

-Apart from you?

The person who ordered the test in the first place.

Christian.

How dare you? How dare you accuse me?!

-This is him. It's all him.

-Amira, just tell the truth.

How do we know whose hair you tested? It could be anyone's.

I didn't fake the test.

-You don't want me around, you don't want Yasmin around.

-You don't get it.

You're just not listening!

-Christian has motive.

-Don't listen to him.

-He wants your son to himself.

-Zainab, don't listen to him.

Give me one piece of proof, one shred of evidence that this has anything to do with me, Masood.

I didn't think so.

I know it's you.

You're an embarrassment.

Amira and I will find out.

Amira's staying with me. Didn't you know?

Zainab?

Zainab?!

-DOOR BUZZER

-Syed, it makes sense.

-Really?

-Just leave it.

You're mental, d'you know that?

He did this. You know me, Syed. You know me better than anyone.

Yasmin is yours. I'm not lying.

-You'd know if I was lying.

-Just do one thing for me then, Amira.

-Let's be certain.

-How can you be so sure you can trust him?

Has he always been honest with you?

-Did you falsify that test, Christian?

-Oh, shut up, Zainab. No, I didn't.

It'd be in your interest for Yasmin not to be his.

-DOOR BUZZER

-Just leave it!

Of course it is. Of course it's in his interests.

Your whole relationship is based on a lie. That's how this whole thing started.

Can your honestly put your hand on your heart and say he didn't do this?

Yusef?

-Zainab, can I talk to you?

-Christian, just tell the truth.

-I don't need to defend myself to anyone.

-That's convincing(!)

Syed believes me. That's all that matters. Right?

I love him.

Now, I know that really hurts you to hear that but I do.

I love him.

And whatever you think of me,

however much you hate me, you know that's true.

-I couldn't do that to him.

-Amira, please, just do the test.

-My word should be enough.

-Well, it isn't.

I'm not doing it.

Anyone would think you had something to hide, Amira.

-Amira! Amira!

-Amira, come on.

-Please, just leave us alone!

-You were the only one with access to those tests, Christian.

No. Not the only one.

So did he.

PHONE RINGS

Actually, we're closed.

OK. I'll check.

-I'm still here.

-Janine, will you be nice? I've got a kid.

And I could get twice the rent.

Unless you fancied paying more...

-I can't afford it.

-Can't afford it?

-Roxy, you're the richest chav I know...

-I ain't moving anywhere, OK.

And, by the way, I ain't a chav!

I don't understand. Why didn't you just tell me you'd helped Christian?

I didn't. He brought the test to the surgery.

I sent it off, the results came back. Standard NHS procedure. Happens a dozen times a day.

Now, would you like me to make you a drink?

-I need to think.

-I really think you shouldn't be on your own right now.

I need space to think, Yusef.

Subtle, subtle, subtle.

-Poppy's a lovely girl, isn't she?

-Poppy?

-She's all right, why? She got a thing for me?

-I was talking to your brother.

What?

Poppy. She's a lovely girl. Gorgeous skin, toned, you know, nice hair.

Pretty much the whole package, really, isn't she?

-Yeah, I guess so.

-There's no guessing about it. She's the perfect woman. She really is.

-If you say so.

-I know so.

I know Pops better than anyone.

-I know her...you know...

-What?

Intimately.

So, why are you telling me this?

Just cos I wanted you to know.

Well, I guess I know now, don't I?

I guess you do.

He got the message.

You got a clue what that was about?

For a smart bloke, Ant, you ain't very smart.

What?

What?!

I keep thinking about Yasmin.

Funny, isn't it?

Once you realise something's not yours, it makes you want it even more.

You thought they were right.

Just for a second,

you thought it was all down to me,

didn't you?

I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry, I'm late.

Got a bit distracted... Phil's coming home early and everyone's in a bit of tizz, what with the caff,

and then I had to pop into Dot's to make her cover me for the launderette.

You asked me to clean Jack's. That's why I'm here, yeah?

That, Heather, is exactly why I called.

After you.

No!

-Really?

-Uh-huh.

You really think that's what she meant?

Mate, she said she thought Poppy was hot.

She said she knew her.

Intimately.

Come on, it's blindingly obvious.

This is perfect for you. You can never make a decision.

Now you don't have to.

Don't it sound just a bit... dirty to you?

Sometimes I wonder if we're even related.

-Two girls, Anthony.

-Yeah, I know... But, humans, we're like swans.

You know, swans have their partner, they live happily ever after in their little nest.

One male swan, one female swan... there's no hassle. It's easy.

You're not a swan, Anthony...

-..you're a lion.

-A lion?

Men lions have their little gang of ladies, don't they?

He doesn't choose, he doesn't have to.

Because he's a lion.

Don't be a swan, Anthony. Be a lion.

Am I doing all right?

It's vacuuming, Hev. Not even you could screw that one up.

-Why don't you go and knock for Roxy?

-Why?

Roxy, it's Heather.

-Has she gone?

-Who?

-Peek-a-boo.

-No, no!

This is my flat!

-You never know. Your dad might have meant it. Come back, clean slate.

-Maybe.

-What's with the boobs?

-They're rolls.

-Look like boobs to me.

-Oh, yeah, you'd know a lot about that, wouldn't ya?

-Clear off.

It'll be fine.

Shirl, it's Roxy... you got to get over there.

Finish that off for me, will ya? And get about, I don't know, 200 copies.

Free stuff, that's what's going to get people back in here.

'Ere, what's with the boobs?

-Thank you.

-If you need anything, sweetie, just give me a shout.

Do you need anything?

I knew something like this would happen. I warned you, didn't I?

I don't know your father well but I respect him and he respects me.

-I could reason with him.

-I don't think anyone could reason with him right now.

You'd really rather stay here than go home?

It's worth a try, isn't it?

Let me try, Amira.

Excuse me.

-We are closed.

-I just have one question for you.

When you do paternity tests and they get sent to the lab, do you do that or does Dr Khan?

I can't answer that, it's patient confidentiality.

-You're a receptionist.

-One who knows the rules.

Do you do them or does Dr Khan?

I suppose I can bend them just this once. We don't do DNA tests.

You don't do them?

The NHS haven't got two farthings to rub together.

If you'd just talk to her, Qadim... Of course I understand.

-I'll let her know. Thank you for your time.

-'Thank you for waiting, your call is important to us.'

-No.

-He's stubborn.

Always has been.

You can't stay here. The rooms are damp. It's no good for the baby.

Get away. Have a break.

No chance. Dad's cancelled all my credit cards.

But if you could go anywhere, where would you go?

Malaga.

My friend Chelsea lives there.

I'll book you on the first flight.

Trust me.

What if I can't?

I'm not sure you have any other options right now.

-ROXY:

-I got rights, you know. Human rights.

I will break the door down if I have to.

D'you want me to rearrange your face?

-Shirl?

-You cannot evict a tenant without 30 days' notice.

It says on page 67.

Oi!

SHIRLEY LAUGHS Sucker!

-What are you, Anthony?

-I'm a lion. RRRR!

Poppy.

Hi.

Doesn't Poppy look nice?

How about a quiet night in tonight?

Me and you?

-I'd love to. Yeah, I'd love that.

-Yeah. Me, you and...

-What?

You know. It's like lions, innit?

-Two's company, but three...

-Three's what?

Three's a party, innit. How about it?

-Is he saying what I think he's saying?

-Yep.

And I thought you was a nice boy. Shame on you, Anthony Moon.

-No, girls, you don't understand, we're not swans.

-I hate swans.

Girls, we're lions. We're... But...

You are a dead man. You're dead. Come here!

I didn't know who else to turn to.

Why is all this happening?

I think you know why.

He lied to me.

The smallest thing. But... if he lied about that, then...

We're going to get to the bottom of this.

Together, OK?

I know you're in there.

Are you familiar with the story of the three little piggies and the big bad wolf?

It's not even like I like it here.

-I hate it. It's like being in a cage.

-I used to be like that.

Kevin'd go to work, I'd be in all on me own with Jimbo.

No grown-ups to talk to.

I even had a case packed in case I wanted to make a swift exit.

-Tell me it gets easier, Shirley.

-Wish I could.

The older they get, the more trouble they are.

Ben came out.

Really?

You knew?

Course, I knew. Everybody knew, Shirley.

Come on, what straight kid likes tap dancing that much?

CHILD CRIES She's so clumsy.

-How did Phil take it?

-How'd you think?

-Come on, your dad ain't that bad.

-Ain't he?

Least you got one. Even if he is a baldy old git.

Can't believe Hev's got us doing this.

It was nice without him.

No arguments.

-Me, Shirl and Hev having a laugh.

-You know what you need? A snog from a really hot boy.

Shut up, Lola!

Here, what about Tyler?

Here you go, knock yourself out.

Gotcha.

All that lion and swan business is mucky.

And it don't even make any sense.

-Sorry.

-Weren't you, was it? It was your brother.

Thought so. You'd never come up with something like that on your own.

-Too boring?

-Too lovely.

Right. So you'll take Poppy on a date or something then, yeah?

Only if you think I should.

Yeah, I think you should.

I love swans.

Everyone says they break people's arms with their little wings but that's just made up, so...

I can't stay long.

-Christian doesn't know you're here.

-Just say what you've got to say.

Yasmin and I are going to Malaga.

First flight we can get.

You loved me once, Syed.

Did I ever lie to you?

Just look at her.

Please.

She's yours.

She'll miss her daddy.

We'll stay.

You just have to say the word.

DOOR CLOSES

-Grumpy drawers has gone.

-She'll be back, won't she?

-Yeah, well if she does, let me deal with her.

You all right? Took a little tumble there, didn't you?

She did, didn't she? But she's all better cos I've kissed it better, haven't I?

-She's my big, brave girl.

-Yeah, she's a Mitchell through and through.

Come on, let's put you over here.

-You stay there a minute, gorgeous, OK?

-See you later.

-If you need anything, just let me know, yeah?

-Thank you, Shirley.

You're doing a good job. Twice the mum I was.

-That's not saying very much though.

-Shut up, shut up.

Listen, this family would've fallen apart without you, and you know it.

-Not sure Phil sees it that way.

-Shirl...

It is going to get easier, isn't it?

You need to come with me.

Denise, thank you so much.

It's for the best.

Syed wanted you to do a DNA test. Zainab told me.

My word should be enough.

That's just your pride talking. You're going to end up proud and alone. Trust me, Amira.

I've been there. It's not very nice.

Yasmin should grow up with her family.

Your 3 o'clock cancelled. Mrs Aubrey.

-After that you're back to back.

-Thank you. Has someone been here?

No. Mrs Masood came in, asking about DNA and paternity.

-You've got one of our fliers.

-Yeah, I certainly have.

-I've got no idea what the breasts have got to do with it.

-They're rolls.

If you say so. I'll have a free coffee, please,

and I'll have the most expensive item on the menu as well.

Cos that's free as well, isn't it?

No, it's just the coffee that comes free.

Not what it says here. It says free coffee with every free meal.

We've all got one.

I just wanted to check if you were OK.

-I'm fine.

-She's absolutely fine.

We're just about to send them off.

No more mistakes this time.

There were no mistakes last time.

You faked the test.

Not Christian. You.

You're lying. We know you're lying.

Please, Yusef.

Please...just tell me.

Tell me this isn't true.

Tell me you didn't do this.

I'm sorry, Zainab.

I'm sorry.

-So you thought you liked Poppy...

-Yeah.

-Now you think you like Jodie?

-Yeah.

Mate, there is something very, very wrong with you.

Just make a decision.

-Jodie.

-Fine. So you won't mind if I go for Poppy then.

Never thought the day would come when I'd be getting your sloppy seconds.

Ant...

Poppy!

Jodie said you might have something to ask me.

Do you have something to ask me?

Will you go on a date with me?

I'd love to.

I knew it. I knew it was him. Of course it was him!

Now do you see? He is sick! He has a sick mind!

HE swapped the samples!

YOU swapped the samples and then you sat back and waited,

knowing the results, knowing they would be negative!

He manipulated and deceived everyone all the way along. Haven't you?

Haven't you?!

Look at me!

-I'm sorry.

-You're sorry? SYED:

-Is that all you've got to say?

It just happened. I had the test.

-It was a spur of the moment thing.

-No, you had this planned.

-No.

You did. You knew about Yasmin. He knew before I came here.

-That's not true.

-He told me not to tell anyone, to stay away.

-What?

He said you'd take her from me. He said you couldn't cope.

You tried to keep her from us? She's my child, Yusef!

-My child! Why would you do that?

-I was looking after your mother.

You were looking... What?!

She's been through so much recently.

You deliberately kept us apart?

-Of course he did.

-When you took me to Pakistan, that's what you were doing?

-You were keeping me away.

-No.

Just stop lying, OK, Yusef. Just stop lying to me!

I have no home... YASMIN WHIMPERS

..no family. For what?

For what?! MASOOD: Amira, Yasmin doesn't need to be here.

I had everything and now I have nothing!

-You've ruined my life!

-Amira, let's take her out.

WHIMPERING CONTINUES You ruined my life.

It's OK, baby. < MASOOD: Why?

-Don't even give him the chance, Dad.

-Why, Yusef?

-WHY?

-Masood...

Let me do this. I'm the reason he's here.

Come on, Yusef.

Tell me.

-I thought it was for the best.

-You didn't have the right.

-I did it for you.

-No, you didn't.

You did it for yourself, cos that's all you care about,

-you selfish, selfish man!

-That's not true.

Was all of it a lie?

Did you lie about everything?

You know what, I can't look at you. Masood, get him out of here.

-Just get him out of here!

-Zainab...

-I hate you! I hate you!

-What about...?

-I'm not playing this game!

-Tinie Tempah? I'd snog him.

-No!

-What about...

-Shut up, all right!

-..the little one from JLS?

-What, Aston?

-You even know his name. You're so gay!

-Would you snog him?

-No. Clear off, all right.

Here, give us that.

-You're not going to lock it up?

-It wasn't when I found it. What about Jay? Would you snog him?

-I can't believe you asked me that.

-You're so boring.

-And you're a nightmare.

-You love me, really.

-PHIL:

-Who did this, eh? Come on, who did it?!

-I'll try the chicken burger next with a side of everything.

-It was you!

You can't get anything right! You're a complete waste of space. Go on, admit it.

- Your dad's back then. - What's this about free meals?

-Come on, admit it!

-It wasn't her fault!

-I'm a waste of space.

-It says here, "Free meals with free coffees."

-Couldn't be any clearer.

Is that clear enough for you, eh? Come on, sling your hook!

-All of you, out!

-I see a few weeks away did you the world of good(!)

-It's been nice you not being around, Phil. Been no trouble.

-No racism.

-Listen, if you need to talk to someone about, you know, girls, boys, anything...

-Seriously!

-Do you want this rammed down your throat, eh?

-You know where I am, OK?

Clean slate, you reckon?

He's got a really soft cheek, Anthony does.

I can fit you in tomorrow.

-HORN BEEPS

-Ha-ha!

He beeped at me! I got such a good feeling about him,

I really have, Jode. He just ticks all the boxes.

You got that from a beep?!

So, you're sure? Poppy's the one.

Yep. Sure.

-This from the man who takes half an hour to choose a pizza topping. I'm proud of you.

-Thanks, mate.

Jodie's looking fit, ain't she?

I knew it.

Hey! Guess who's back!

-Denise.

-Phil Mitchell, people's favourite.

-Denise.

-Getting up everyone's noses. My nose, especially.

-Denise!

-Masood!

-I got him. Denise, I got him!

-Yusef?

-Yasmin's mine.

-MOBILE PHONE RINGS

She's mine! I thought I'd lost her, but...I have a little girl.

I'm sorry I doubted you.

I'm sorry.

-I'm going to kill him.

-Christian!

'Hi, this is Christian. Sorry I can't take your call at the minute.

'Leave your name and number. Bye.'

Hi, babe, it's me - "I'm a single mum, please get me out of here."

Janine's trying to evict me and I think I might be in love with Mr Tombliboo.

Please, please, we really need to go out, just call me, OK.

I love you. Bye!

SHE SIGHS

BABY CHATTERS

SHE SIGHS AND MUTTERS TO HERSELF

-< DOOR OPENS

-Jack? Jack. Jack?

Jack!

Jack, Jack!

Jack! How do you fancy a cup of tea with me and Amy?

I really, really need the company of an adult before I go insane.

Gotta go somewhere.

Ronnie? I can always tell. You always look really sad.

See ya.

-You come near me or my daughter again, I will...

-Yusef!

You used me.

-You wanted the test. You came to me.

-No, you used me!

You know what? You're not even worth it.

You are nothing.

I've lost everything because of him.

Everything!

You know who else is gay? That bloke from the X Factor. Would you snog him?

HE SLAMS THE CUE DOWN

-You all right, Ben?

-Daddy's back, ain't he?

-Is he?

Has he said something to you?

Aw, you two make a lovely couple.

I'm joking.

Cos if he has, then I'll have a word with him.

He ain't said nothing. I don't give a monkeys what he thinks any more.

If he ignores me, I'll ignore him.

Don't even give him the time of day. He's a twassock.

-What?

-Twassock?

-Well, he is, ain't he?

Shall we have a game of Killer?

I might even let you win, all right? I might.

-How'd it go?

-Terrible. Bloke was a hoarder.

My great Auntie Nora was a hoarder.

Nora the Hoarder we called her. HE LAUGHS

What d'you get?

-And?

-That's it.

-CAT MIAOWS

-Not quite!

-Oh, great(!) A manky cat.

Aw, he's not so manky.

All right, he's a bit manky. THEY LAUGH

I could sort him out for you.

Shampoo, bit of a manicure, take him down the rescue centre,

he'll be all right, won't you?

Neville. Aw, nice name.

And...them...

we'll frame 'em and call 'em modern art.

-You see the bright side in everything.

-Pollyanna, my dad used to call me.

Come on, then. Come on!

Do I go for the ham and pineapple or the meat feast? I just don't know.

I know that it's going to be difficult,

but Yasmin is my daughter and I can't turn my back on her.

We have to find a way to make this work.

-We have to try.

-FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

They're staying the night.

Anything's gotta be better than the B&B.

I'm tired of fighting, Syed.

Hey! Have you got a smile for Daddy?

CHILDREN'S PROGRAMME ON TV

-INTERCOM BUZZES

-Right.

Come on, then, Janine!

With you and Mr Tombliboo, I'm just about ready to kill!

Oi!

The fembots at the salon said you were having a bad day.

So, you, me, nightclub, drink, boogie, drink, snog a stranger,

drink, kebab on the way home. What d'you reckon?

I reckon I could kiss you right now.

You're not my type. But thanks.

Oh, I love cats!

I love cats!

-No.

-I used to have two of them when I was a kid, but I'm allergic.

I've got two back at my mum's - Rosie and Violet.

-Rosie's only got half a tail.

-How come?

-Dunno.

It's not something we like to talk about.

-Neville, behave.

-Especially in front of Rosie. She's very sensitive.

-A bit like you, then.

-Yeah. Bit like me.

Great(!) Neville!

He ain't going to come back on his own accord, is he?

The first time I saw you,

the very first time,

we didn't even talk.

You just smiled.

And I remember thinking...

"What beautiful eyes!

"He must be kind with eyes like that."

"He's a sweet boy. He's going to be a doctor.

"He'll look after people." That's what people told me.

But you know what, I don't see that boy.

I don't see him any more.

Because he... he wouldn't do these things.

You left.

I had all those things with you.

-Don't.

-I was a better man.

-No.

-You could've saved me, Zainab.

Don't you dare!

If you hadn't left me, if you'd stayed with me.

I'm nothing without you. Nothing.

-Neville!

-Neville.

It's like that film, Breakfast at Tiffany's.

-Cat!

-That's my mum's favourite, that is.

I tried to make Darren watch it once. He wasn't having any of it, though.

-He said I was just as pretty as Audrey, though.

-I think you're prettier.

CAT MIAOWS Cat! Oh, it worked!

Aw! SHE LAUGHS

We shouldn't have done that.

Thank you.

That's our old duvet. That'll do, won't it?

You know nothing's going to change.

You and me, that's what comes first. You do believe me?

That's not the problem though, is it, Sy? Do you believe me?

Of course I do. It was just...

Yusef was saying all these things. I didn't know who I could trust.

Me. You trust me.

-I can go, if you need time...

-No, don't worry.

-D'you know what, that would be great.

Nothing changes.

-Oh, God!

-Masood?

-You OK?

-HE SIGHS

Leave it, leave it.

She's let him back in. She's forgiven him.

She does it every single time.

I never had her down as a fool.

That's it, Denise. I've had it.

He's welcome to her.

Please, please, please.

-Pretty please.

-Oh...

-I haven't had a night out in, like, months!

-Yeah.

All right, that's a little exaggeration, OK.

She's your kid too, Jack. Come on, you should be gagging to see her.

Not like you've got anything else going on in your life, is it?

She wouldn't see you, would she? Oh...

I didn't even get in the building.

Only person she wants to see is you.

-I don't know, Jack. Maybe...

-Don't even say it.

-What?!

I finish work at nine. I'll come here, get changed. pick her up, she can stay down here.

-Really?!

-Yes, just pick her up in the morning, all right.

Don't stay up there nursing your hangover, go on.

-Love you!

-Thanks!

-Yeah.

-GIGGLING

Having a baby changes everything, you know.

Turns your whole world upside down. Syed won't know what's hit him.

-HE LAUGHS AT ROXY'S MESSAGE

-'..call me OK. Love you! Bye!'

Oh, your poor face.

Lucky really.

I was aiming for your eyes. SHE LAUGHS

I was joking.

-HE CHUCKLES

-She's asleep.

Right, you. I won't be late.

-You're going out?

-Mm-hm.

Look, Christian, I know we haven't been on the best of terms,

but we can be civil, can't we? For Yasmin's sake.

Sure. For Yasmin's sake.

Mwah! See ya!

-Ben's been going down the gym quite a lot, ain't you?

-Yeah, a few times.

And him and Lola's been helping out at the caff. Done a really good job.

-Been hanging out with Lola, have you?

-So?

She's a nice girl, that's all.

-What?

-Ignore him, Ben.

-What?

-Where you going?

-To meet Lola.

That's what you want to hear, innit?

-What are you scared of?

-Jay...

-No. It's 2011, Phil! What are you scared of?

Just sit down, will you?

I pay for your keep and food. Sit down and eat it!

-So?

-You look beautiful.

I don't know, Jode. Don't want to count my chickens or nothing, but I think he could be the one.

You know, like your Darren was for you. We just...

We just got this connection, I dunno.

-You ready?

-Yep. I can't wait for you to meet Rosie.

She is going to love you, I know she is.

Well, who wouldn't, eh?

Let me get this.

Thank you.

Your dad?

You know I know, don't you?

I know.

I'm so proud of you!

Well done, Benji boy! Well done! Well done, you.

Hey, Kim, look who I found.

-Hmm? Oh! Welcome!

-Sit down, sit down, sit down!

-Hello!

->

-Be nice! Phil's back.

-All right...

-A little one ain't going to hurt.

-Oi!

-What?!

-All right, a little one.

-All right.

LAUGHTER

Mmm!

Now, Benji...what d'you think? Is it too much? Be honest.

-Maybe a bit too much.

-Perfect, thank you.

-Are we getting a few in the Vic before we go to town?

-No, we can't, gotta wait for Jack.

-Boring!

-I'll look after her if you want.

-Bless you, babe. No, thank you.

-Why not? He's old enough.

-Righty-o! So, tarty or stripper?

BOTH: Stripper.

LAUGHTER

Come on, babe, it's only for an hour or so.

-You think?

-Yeah, I think.

Would you...? D'you mind?

-I'll pay you.

-Course, I don't mind.

-Aw, he's so sweet.

-Thank you.

Thank you! If Janine calls round, you do NOT answer the door, OK?

Look, you're paranoid! She won't come round again.

And look, this is very important. This is Olivia.

Amy cannot go to bed without Olivia or she'll scream the house down. You don't want that, do you? Right!

Christian. Roxanne.

-BOTH: Kimberley?

-Let us paint the town rouge!

Come on!

Thanks, babe.

-He'll be fine.

-I know it'll be all right, you'll be more than all right, won't you?

-Thank you. See you soon. Wait for me, wait!

-Hurry up!

Clean slate, you said. Come back, start afresh.

But can't do that, can you, Phil? That would be too easy for you.

HE SIGHS

You can't keep ignoring it. You've got to start dealing with it

or you'll lose that boy and have no family to come home to!

See, I knew it. I knew he was up to something.

He's one of them people, Yusef. We've all got one.

Gets under your skin. Knows exactly what buttons to press,

then he'll just break her down bit by bit.

LAUGHTER

CHRISTIAN: Lock up your sons, the girls are on the prowl.

Right, spill, now. Princess Amira did this to you!

-I'm not going to talk about it.

-Oh, come on, man.

Come on, just few hours off, eh?

-No, Olivia don't want to have a bath now.

-I want my mum.

What? She's tired? She wants to go bed.

-Come on, then. Come on, then.

-I want my mum.

-Come on, then.

Oh, let's go, let's go. Let's go.

INTERCOM BUZZES

-Janine, she's not in.

-'It's me.'

-Oh, right.

Come on. Let's go.

Oh...

-Let's go. Aw, where is it?

-FRONT DOOR CLOSES, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Go on, into bed.

Ssh.

You know what you are, don't you? You're a manny. Ben Poppins.

Practically perfect in every way.

Right...

Sex and the City. No.

Chick flick, no.

Chick flick, no. Oh, shock, chick flick, no.

-What's that for?

-Jack's. And he ain't in.

And I'm betting he ain't got no chick flicks.

Good shout, Benny boy.

You know we considered surrogacy.

Wow. Really?

-Yeah, Roxy was going to do it for us.

-Roxy?!

-Roxy was going to be your surrogate?

-She wasn't my first choice.

-Imagine how chavvy that baby would turn out.

-Amira!

-She'd probably be born wearing a velour tracksuit!

-Get an ASBO before its first birthday.

-Roxy?!

-THEY LAUGH

Thank you, it's been lovely, I'm going to go now.

ROXY LAUGHS

Sorry!

-I'm going to go.

-You what?!

-No way!

My phone is nearly out of battery! I'm really worried!

-I need to check on Amy and Ben...

-He's smitten on you!

-He really likes you.

-Mmm!

-He REALLY likes you.

-Stop it, don't.

-Babe, stay, come on. Stay!

BOTH CHANT: Stay, stay, stay, stay, stay, stay, stay!

-All right, all right!

-Why do they have to be so loud? That's what I want to know.

-Tell me about it.

-Drawing attention to themselves. Asking for trouble!

-Think they'd keep a low profile?!

-Have an easy life.

-I'd like one of them.

-Chance'd be a fine thing.

It was much easier 10-15 years ago when the kids were little. No arguments. No conflicts.

-Just...

-Simple.

-Yeah. Simple.

What you looking at?

He wouldn't be looking at anything if you kept yourself to yourself.

The name's Branning. Jack Branning.

-License to pull.

-THEY LAUGH

Oi...have a smell of that.

Yeah, that's nice, that. Always wondered what he wore.

-Shirl did say he smells like a Disney movie.

-I see what she means now.

Got Madonna, Kylie Minogue. Maybe he bats for your team, eh?

You're going to have to lighten up about that, you know.

-It's what Lola said.