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MUSIC: "Lose Yourself" by Eminem
# You only get one shot
# Do not miss your chance to blow
# This opportunity comes once in a lifetime
# You better lose yourself... #
MUSIC CONTINUES INSIDE
-I can start today, I'll do anything...
Oi, excuse me, do you know Billy Mitchell?
MUSIC: "Lollipop" by The Chordettes
-Sorry! It's nearly dry. Most of it.
I thought parents were supposed to be selfless.
By the time that social worker comes tomorrow,
-I'll have ticked every box in the adoption rule book.
-In one day?
Listen, we deal with this list...
sort out every...complication,
then the only ones that can mess this up
are you or me.
See you later, guys.
AFIA SINGS ALONG TO "Lollipop"
I said hello! If it's not too much trouble, I'd like a phone charger.
I've sold out, all right?
-So what's this then?
-D'you know Billy Mitchell?
-Only to the untrained eye,
-it looks like a phone charger.
-What, am I invisible?
Are you lot braindead, or what? I am not interested in phone chargers or in Billy Mitchell
or in Nigeria for that matter, or in this nasty, brop-down stall, OK?!
Oi, oi, oi!
-Have you seen my wallet?
-No. Why, do you think I nicked it?
Hardly worth it. Oyster card and a signed picture of Jordan.
I'm going to go to work.
I know you didn't mean what you said yesterday.
-First time we've gone to bed on an argument.
It's fine. I've forgotten it.
I know we never got to know our boy, but...
at least he left us something.
A ray of hope.
What, the kid that told me our son hated me till the day he died?
That little ray of hope?
That constitutes aggressive and abusive behaviour. I'm going to have to issue a formal warning.
You know what, don't bother! Cos I'm done, all right? Done!
Don't be late, right? I've sorted you out. I know you got dumped, but I've got a train to catch.
You know what? Get out my face, bruv!
No, Bernadette, I dumped him.
Yeah, cos he's a loser.
I know you, don't I?
Do you mind?
Molly? Nah, nah, nah, it's Sally, innit?
Um, I'm going to have to call you back.
You go my school, don't you?
Soz! Must have you mixed up with someone else.
All right? Do you want some of my sausage?
-You're not shy much, are you?
-See you around.
MARKET HUBBUB DROWNS VOICES
I need to talk to you about the adoption.
Ian's brought you this.
Yeah, it's your stock. Some feral child was filling her boots.
And I brought you this. It's your favourite -
breast, hot and spicy.
I know you're...
you're thinking your life's over. I mean, why would anyone want you
after all the terrible things you've done?
Yes, well, he ain't like you, Ian.
I mean, all he's done is offer his heart on a plate,
tear down his defences, expose his weaknesses,
had it thrown in his face like last night's fish-and-chip wrappings.
-She weren't worth your love, Arthur.
-Love?! You know what,
that is a lie invented by billionaires that make Valentine's cards,
the couples-only hotels, the romcoms...
Look, I'm just telling him what I told Peter, OK?
Women aren't the sweet, pure, innocent creatures that they make out...
I lost her, like I lost the stall.
I'll put the kettle on.
Not really, no. You know how things are between your mother and I.
-We don't need your boyfriend making things worse.
Unless there are more of them you haven't told us about.
Dad, look, why? What's he done?
Shouting our business... YOUR business in the street.
This adoption is between you and him. Don't get us involved.
-I'm sorry. I'll tell him.
-Actually, why bother?
Whatever Syed wants, Syed gets, regardless of who gets trampled.
-Get what I want? Me?! Is that what you think?
-It's what I know!
As long as you two are happy, everyone else can go to hell.
That's without admin fees and furniture... Two egg rolls, please.
It's never easy starting out.
I've taken good care of the Argee Bhajee.
How was your honeymoon?
-Your shirt needs ironing.
-It's supposed to look like that.
-Afia, Tamwar, happy honeymoon?
A hug for your father?
A new marriage, a new start?
All right, bruv.
One of your rudeboys?
No, it was...it was Darren.
It's just that Max wants me at the car lot, otherwise he's not going to give him his time off.
But what about his father's procedure?
I mean, if Darren don't cover for him, he'll lose his job. It's time to put selfishness on one side, Arthur.
Yeah, but I'm not in the mood.
Not in the mood?! What would've happened if we'd said during the war?
That job is exactly what you need.
It'll get you out of Mrs Olubunmi's hair when she gets back.
I mean, you're so good at that pit-patter, Arthur.
I'll iron you a shirt.
Jay saw me come in. I thought he might pop in.
Darling, next time you see him, you will look a million dollars.
Nothing will make you feel better than watching him kick himself. Promise.
Want to buy a phone? Tenner to you.
-Oi, oi, missy! Oi!
-Oh, hello again.
-OK, I borrowed his phone. He's not sick.
-How could you even let me think that?!
Because I needed to get you through the door?
-You're a sick man!
-I don't have time for this.
Oh, no, cos you've got all that family to take care of, haven't you?
There's me thinking Shabnam was a thousand miles away...
..and there's Tamwar...
-all cosy on my sofa...
-He's a married man! It's his choice.
..and then there's Masood, exiled to the B&B.
Admit it, Zainab, without your family, you're nothing.
You've got a nasty mouth, you know that?
-Coming from your forked tongue, I'll take that as a compliment.
-How dare you?!
You're going nowhere.
Right, she says you're her granddad. Are you?
What are you doing here?!
-Stealing Abi's phone, that's what she's doing!
-Oh, no, Tan,
-I was giving it back, not taking it.
Right. It's only cos she's yours
-that I'm not having her done for theft.
-Right, so are you her granddad?
-But that means we're family!
Jay, d'you mind?!
That could've been awkward. Is incest illegal?
-Did you steal that phone?
-I borrowed it.
Why aren't you at school?
I rang in sick. Well, my social worker did. Sort of.
-And what about the home?
-I rang them and all. Well, you did.
That's why I borrowed the phone. Thought I'd suss this place out.
And rob our neighbours blind?
-I ain't a thief!
-Right, look, look, why don't you put the kettle on, eh?
Me and your nan, here, we'll have a little chat.
How else do you think I would find where you live?
-Wait till Syed hears what you've done.
-I'm doing this FOR him.
What, making me hate you even more?
You really do, don't you?
No, I don't hate anyone.
It goes against everything that I believe in.
-I do not hate gays.
-No, just this one.
And your gay son, of course.
I pity them.
They will never know the joy of a normal family life.
-What, like yours?!
Cos that's funny, innit?
Funny how gambling's a sin until it's your old man doing it.
You pick and choose the bits of your faith that suit you best.
My faith is about family,
my faith is about forgiveness, but then how can you forgive someone
who doesn't admit that they've sinned?
And us adopting is one of those sins, is it?
No, I have nothing against adoption.
I think it is one of the most selfless acts possible.
Then why won't you support us?
I do not understand how...
..how a loving and generous woman
would stand in the way of something so good.
Because it is wrong, all right? It is wrong!
And it's got nothing to do with religion, or the law, or Allah,
it is about nature!
A man and a woman are supposed to make a baby.
If you choose to be gay,
then you choose to forego that right to have a child!
Even if it denies that child a loving home, a family?
It would be better off that way! It is sick, Christian! It is wrong!
Do you know what, get out, all right?!
-I've heard just about as much as I can stomach off you.
No. No. You wanted to hear me out, now you hear me out!
If you won't even talk about it, what is the point?
Here you are, look.
Can I have a bit more sugar?
You'll get a pot belly.
-(She's trouble, Billy.)
-She's got spirit.
Just like we used to have, before we got it drummed into us that we'd never amount to anything.
But her, Lola, she's going to be different.
Me, you and our little boy...
it would've been brilliant.
I got my second chance with William and Janet.
Don't you see? Lola is OUR second chance.
The best thing we can do for that kid is send her back to the home.
CRASHING AND LOUD THUD
Brilliant, nice one(!)
OK, forget about homosexuality for a minute. Why don't we talk about you?
You can't blame the world's sins on me, love!
Oh, but you are hedonistic, selfish, rude. You and that banshee you run around with.
You should've married her!
Oh, what, cos Syed's some choirboy that I corrupted?
He was a conman! He sold properties that didn't exist. He even tried to rip you two off.
That's none of your business.
-Think I was the first bloke he slept with?
He's just a good liar cos you taught him well.
A devious, gay conman. Congratulations!
Zainab Masood, mother of the year.
Fine, you prove me right, then.
You tell me what child deserves parents like you two?
Well, at least we're still together, love.
This little waif will arrive, and then you'll want to go out
drinking and dancing and screeching with that girlfriend of yours.
-What then, huh?
-You really think you've raised perfect kids, huh?
Don't you lecture me on parenting.
You don't even want a child, you just want an accessory.
You want the next big thing, the one thing that you can't have.
You think if Syed wasn't Muslim, you'd have been so desperate for him?
You mean if you hadn't made him a suicidal mess just because he fell in love
with a man?
Your hypocrisy stinks!
Religion does not make you a good parent,
neither does being straight, white or having a degree. You just do your best, Zainab!
Surely you understand that better than anyone.
Sometimes...it isn't enough.
What if we're really good at it, eh?
What if being a family is the making of Sy,
the making of both of us?
You can't experiment with children's lives.
If every parent had to prove they were capable,
you know, no gambling,
family rifts, affairs...
And what if you two...don't change?
Is that how little you think of your son?
Zainab, I am not asking you to forget your faith.
I'm just asking you to give Syed what you've always had.
A chance to be your own person...
..not your outcast son or my...
..or my Muslim boyfriend.
Surely he deserves that?
What you said...
That was unfair. You know the sacrifices I've made.
For Christian, yeah. I hope he was worth it.
No, for all of you.
I didn't know he was going to talk to you. If he's have told me...
You're about to become parents! You should be agreeing about...
What, like you and Mum?
Whatever mistakes your mother and I made,
-we did the best we could for our children.
-You don't think
-we're ready to be parents.
-It's not about being ready!
-Two men never will be, right?
-Keep your voice down!
Anyone would think you're ashamed!
Of your gay son.
Or maybe it's his big, gay boyfriend that really offends you?!
-No, I am SICK of people ignoring me!
-Would you be quiet, Syed?!
What is the matter with you?!
Is that why you're doing this adoption, to get attention?
Don't be ridiculous!
You know, I thought it would be nice if I could just talk to you about this.
Other people have children, their parents are excited,
they can't wait to be grandmas, granddads.
Yeah, well, I'm sure the two of you will cope.
It's not the same though, is it?
When Tam and Afia have your grandchild, it won't be the same.
Because they'll have created it themselves! A man and a woman,
a mother and a father.
Look, you've chosen your path.
-Oh, that again!
-Syed, what do you want me to say?
That it'll be all right!
That I'll be all right.
That two men can bring up a child just as well as a man and a woman.
I thought it was a done deal.
Social services, the red tape...
No, not yet.
Me and Christian took Amy out yesterday.
These kids started calling us queer, you know, the usual.
Who'd want to put a child through that?
Not everyone's open-minded. Some people are just...
It doesn't bother Christian.
He just ploughs on.
I've got all these questions,
but he's just so sure we're doing the right thing, I just get caught up in it.
He's so strong. I just don't know if I...
however much I don't like it,
I know you've had to be brave.
Accepting what you are, that's strength.
You know, you saying I get what I want all the time...
..it's not true.
You know, sometimes...
Sometimes I just keep the peace.
Are you saying you're only going through this adoption process
because it's what Christian wants?
That's not what I said!
He knows more about this gay-rights stuff than I do,
it's like if he really believes it, the reality doesn't matter.
There's me calling you brave
when you only dance to the beat of Christian's drum!
You and mum always say relationships are about compromise.
Syed, you'd better decide what you want, before it's too late.
-You haunting me?
-Do I look like a ghost?
-You on your way to court?
-What? Speak English, girl!
Well, if you must know, I'm a car salesman.
-You ain't coming.
I'm just walking. Since when was there a law against walking?
Well, there's a law against STALKING, OK? So go home!
I ain't got a home. Orphan, ain't I?
I'm in care.
So, do you think I look like Cheryl Cole?
More like Ashley Cole.
I knew you reminded me of someone! Perfect couple then, eh?
They were divorced.
Doc, you're not going to believe this, but Zainab's on side!
-She said that?
-I know, it's surreal, isn't it?
Now all I need to do is marry a millionaire, then I can afford the deposit.
I suppose Masood's in no position to help, but maybe I can now Zainab's given her blessing.
Let me give you the deposit. Pay me back in instalments.
Why would you do that for us?
Aren't we all family now?
Doc, I could kiss you...
but I know you wouldn't appreciate it!
I'll tell the agent!
I can't wait to tell Sy!
I owe you!
-Right, well, I won't say I'll miss you.
Oi! Lose the groupie, will you?
Make sure they're polished by the time I get back.
I could wash the cars. Fiver each.
2.50. Need sponges and that, though.
Right, I won't beat around the bush. Syed and...
will soon be too full for extra guests.
Wow. So you're OK with them adopting now? Why?
Even taking your mind-blowing 180 into account, how is this any of your business?
I think that you should come and live here.
And the stuff my auntie said about you and my dad?
A hurtful untruth.
Cos if that is true, I wouldn't even have a cup of tea in your house, let alone move in.
-And I wouldn't blame you.
-We've got money in the bank, OK?
We've got thousands, actually,
and a sense of independence that's rarely seen among Generation Y.
What Tam means is...
we have options. A place of our own...
Which would be very expensive.
Or we could stay with Syed and Christian.
Syed will have two bedrooms, all right?
One for the child, and one for...
One plus one makes two, that means no room for you!
-Yes, yes, it rhymes. I thought you were the mathematical genius!
-No need to be mean.
Do you want a rent-free room or not? And you, madam, will have to curb that sharp tongue.
OK, all right.
He's got to talk to his wife. They've always got to talk to their wife.
Not me, though.
-I ain't got no wife to talk to, about nothing.
-Well, you know what? I think me and you make an all right team.
Chuck us the keys then, so I can do inside.
I think I've finally found my vocation.
Oi! What are you doing?!
Guess who has found us a new flat?
-Yeah, Janine's old place, two beds, great views...ish.
-How can we afford that?
Look, it's just details.
And, check this - I come to ask Tam and Afia to get out and they've already gone!
In your words, it seems like fate is finally on our side.
-Every single box, ticked.
Yep, one almighty tick in the box marked mother-in-law. Chuck us that.
-She's going to see the social worker tomorrow.
Yeah! She's going to tell him what a wonderful couple we are
and how we have the support of the entire Masood clan.
-Pick your jaw up!
I've changed my mind.
I don't want to be a dad.
What you doing?! I could get... Listen, seriously could you just...? Park the car here!
-Can you stop?! Seriously, do you want to kill us?!
-Aren't you having fun?
No, I'm not! Watch out, all right?
-You're going to kill us both!
Can you just stop?! Listen. Watch out, man!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
-You all right, Bill?
-I just changed my mind.
-Why do you want to do it?
-Because I love you and I'm ready.
Sy, I want to be a father.
And what about what the child wants? What if it needs more than us?
What are you going on about?
I don't think we're enough.
It's because we're gay, isn't it?
You might be ready, but I'm not. I don't think I ever will be.
You know, your mum knows you better than you think.
-You want this more than you want me?
-You sound like a spoiled child.
Because if you do, then maybe we can't be together.
I'm sorry, I'm...
I'm just trying to be honest.
No, you're right.
Because I am doing this, even if it's on my own.
-Are you serious?
and you're selfish.
You change your mind like most normal people change TV channels.
She knows you better than I do. Better than I did.
-You know me better than anyone.
-You should go.
-Go on, Sy. Just get out.
Just get out!
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