05/03/2012 EastEnders

Come on, Lauren, I ain't a charity.

If you want paying, get yourself down the car lot.

Dad, there's more to life than work, you know.

-I'll remind you when you're complaining about pay.

-Mum needs someone there.

No, darling, I'll be fine.

Go on. Those cars ain't going to flog themselves, are they?

Don't slam the door. Oscar's still sleeping.

What time's the nurse coming?

Any minute now.

-Want me to stay?

-No, no, course not. I'll be fine.

-See you.

-OK.

Right, you round up the peasants, I'll book that khazi.

I want an open bar, full catering, the works. And maybe, like, a little private area,

-to keep the riff-raff out.

-Showing off? Like your style.

No, it's just a public declaration of our love.

-Oh, yeah...

-Showing off's just a bonus.

And can you make sure that Alfie doesn't charge us?

Because I might be rich, but I still like a bargain.

You throwing crockery again?

Stupid thing flew out of my hand.

Or maybe something else was on your mind.

You know, the sooner you do something about this, the better.

That money is cursed.

Why would it be cursed?

Because everything that that man touched turned to poison.

-Tam and Afia need to know.

-It's like he's still here. Watching. Manipulating.

Zainab... just do this one last thing.

Then we can put him in the past, where he belongs.

Put the kettle on, darling. I'm gasping.

Mum, you can't be here.

I want a cuppa, not a kidney.

-Couldn't you have one at home?

-I can't.

Dot and Rose are having another stand-off about who bought the last box of teabags.

It's like living in a French & Saunders sketch.

Have one at the cafe and I'll meet you.

-Anyone'd think you were trying to get rid of me.

-I am.

Hello? Tanya?

Hello. Would you give me a minute? Mum, you have to go.

Who's this then?

This is my nurse.

Jacqui Aspinall. Hello.

Hello. Cora Cross. Tanya's mother.

Nice to meet you.

Is this about next week's scan?

Yeah.

Right, Jacqui, sit down.

We need to talk about some other things, Mum. Personal things.

Oh, right. Bedroom stuff.

Mum, could you just go to the...?

Now, you girls make yourselves comfortable.

I'm going to put the kettle on.

We spent the whole weekend in luxury.

Chocolates, champagne, Jacuzzi. Barely even left the hotel room.

Can't believe you're going to be a Moon.

Oh, no way I'm giving up the Butcher name again.

-Not for anyone.

-Save changing it back in six months though.

What a dark and cynical world you must live in.

Come to the engagement party and we'll turn your frown upside down.

-I can't, Janine. I've got the kids.

-OK, well, get Carol to take them to the cinema.

No excuses.

Cheers. Better be free drink though, eh?

Oh, free drinks, catering, the whole lot. I'll see you at seven.

Free drinks?

Yes, I am in.

You working?

Well, I've got a splitting headache. Didn't get much sleep.

-Not surprised. You not up for a big night out then?

-Er, yes! Hello? Manic Mondays!

No, Janine's engagement party tonight at the Vic.

All right. Well, we'll go in there, get all the free drink, and then go to R&R. I'll get Lucy involved.

Oi, doll? Pass the sugar, will you?

Ta.

Sounds all right, don't it? We can make a night of it.

You don't even know Janine, Mum. Anyway, you're not drinking.

I can have an orange juice.

How many times? I'm taking the pills. I am clean.

Now stop worrying about me and focus on keeping Mr Moneybags happy.

He is happy. We're fine.

But the clock is ticking, Mand.

And one day, those rose-coloured specs are going to fog right up.

-Michael Moon, having a baby and getting married!

-Must be in one of them parallel universes.

-Janine's a bit high maintenance.

-So's he.

-This one's on the house.

-Congratulations. Just leave a few quid behind the bar though, yeah?

-Nice one.

-That's why he's doing it.

-He's going to knock her off and take her money.

-Seven o'clock, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Lovely.

That's when the little hand's on the seven.

All right, Max, what can I get you?

You ain't seen Roxy, have you? She wanted to talk to me about a motor.

-No chance, mate. She's taken Amy away on holiday for a week.

-Oh, right.

-Listen, how's the missus?

-Yeah, she's got the final scan next week.

But hopefully she'll get the all-clear.

Give her my love, yeah? If I see Rox, I'll tell her to give you a call.

No, s'all right. Don't worry.

Max is pinning all his hopes on it. They all are.

The truth is... I don't even want to go.

It may be good news.

Even if it is, it's not going to make everything normal again, is it?

There is no normal any more.

Everything's changed.

With Max, I used to be...

really...

We were a physical couple.

Now it's like...

It's like I'm faulty or something.

It's not easy to resume a sexual relationship after treatment.

He tries to be understanding. But I can see it.

I can see him blaming me. And hating himself for it.

Forget about Max for a moment. Tell me what you want.

It's the last thing I feel like doing.

I've seen lots of women in your position, Tanya. And I've found the best way forward

is for both partners to sit down

and have an open and frank discussion.

Talk to Max. Then take your time.

Only do what you feel comfortable with.

And if he's got a problem with that, send him to me.

I've got a nice pair of scissors that'll solve everything.

Biscuit?

What's that?

It's an envelope.

Read it.

It's Dad's inheritance.

Your father and I have been talking. About what to do with it.

Bin it.

It's a lot of money.

Find a really large bin.

We were thinking that maybe you two should have it.

Us?

Yes. You've been through so much.

I don't want anything from that man.

Afia? What do you think?

I don't know.

Something good has got to come out of all this, all right?

You can do whatever you like with it.

Trust me, a round-the-world trip or a real-life TARDIS...

it's not going to make up for what happened.

I'll talk to him. We'll think about it.

No, we won't.

Can we at least discuss it?

-No.

-Maybe they're right.

I don't want his money.

Maybe he owes you.

How many times, Afia? No.

You see? That money's toxic.

A night out. That's what you need.

We've got Oscar.

I'll look after Oscar. Nice meal, a couple of bottles of good wine.

Everything'll look better.

-Tan?

-In here.

Hello, mate. All right, Cora?

-You all right?

-Yeah.

-Nurse been?

-Yeah. All fine.

Yeah, good.

-You ain't seen Lauren, have you?

-She's not here.

Probably skiving off with Lucy.

Forget about Lauren.

Give your wallet a refill. You're taking Tanya out.

I thought we could, um... have a meal. Just the two of us.

Yeah. Sounds lovely. Leave it to me, I'll sort it out.

Great.

See? You don't need no nurse's advice.

Not when you got your old mum.

Oh, here they are - the soon-to-be happy couple. Mr and Mrs Moon.

Fat chance, Alfie. Think you'll find she's keeping her own name.

-Mr and Mrs Butcher, then.

-Can we have some champagne, please, Alfie?

-Coming up, sweetheart.

-Sorry. I should've told you.

-Yeah, you should.

Is it a problem?

I've got plenty of time to change your mind.

-Oh, I love a man with confidence.

-Then you're going to love me.

-We'll see about that.

-Where's the champagne?

-Oh, I hate doing this.

I can never get the cork out. And then when I do it just sprays everywhere.

Give it to me, give it to me. Not sure how Kat'll feel about Janine being in the family.

-Don't expect me to buy her a Christmas present.

-Yeah, I'm thinking maybe, what - Dalmatians?

Janice? What's with the rope?

It's a VIP section.

Janine, hope you've been stashing your cash, darling.

That ain't love in his eyes. It's pound signs.

For your information, Michael and I have an arrangement. This has nothing to do with money.

-What sort of arrangement?

-What, like a pre-nup?

Yeah, she's not getting her hands on my pension.

-That's not very romantic, is it, eh?

-Practical, though.

Hey! Another glass of champagne for Kimberley, please.

I wouldn't make you sign a pre-nup.

If we were married, I'd share everything.

What, like your junk shop?

-Oh, babe, I was only joking.

-It is a nice junk shop.

Yeah, I know. This is lovely.

Come on, let's duck back there.

I'll give you an access-all-areas tour.

-It's your brother's engagement.

-So? He won't care. Go on.

No.

-This better not be just lemonade.

-I told Jean it was for Kim. It's vodka.

Nice one.

Dad just reckons Michael's marrying her for the money.

-Meanwhile, he's got Mandy living under his roof.

-And her mum.

Don't start. Tonight is all about having fun. Until tomorrow, nothing else matters. Yeah?

-Cheers to that.

-Yeah, cheers.

Where are you going?

Going out. I scrub up all right, don't I?

Oh, don't look like that. I won't touch a drop.

Mum, why don't you just stay with me and we'll watch telly?

Do me a favour.

When there's a pub full of blokes out there?

-Anyway, I've got my eye on that postman.

-Mandy?

-Yeah?

-Couldn't come and give us a hand, love, could you?

-In the chippy?

We're out of soft drinks. Need somebody to get some. It's going to be carnage in there tonight.

I would, but I'm a bit worried about Mum. The minute my back's turned,

she's going to be down the Vic on the lash.

I can hear you. And I won't.

-I don't trust her.

-You're going to have to start sometime.

I will wait here until you get back, OK?

Then you can come with me. Keep your distance.

I don't want you cramping my style.

Please?

All right. Mum, look - just wait here, yeah? I won't be long.

Oi! That was mine.

All right, chill out. It's a free bar. Get another one.

-Alfie?

-Yes, darling?

-Hi.

Can I have a vodka cranberry, please?

-OK, come on, darling, you know I can't serve you alcohol.

-Will you get me one?

Why don't I get you a soft drink, yeah?

No, you're all right.

Well, we're ditching this for Manic Mondays anyway. You up for it?

Nah. Better stay with the family.

Come on, it's boring here. Let's bring those pecs somewhere else.

Lauren?

Oh, come here. I'm only joking. You coming?

No, I'm going to stay here.

Oh, right... Fatboy's DJing.

-I know. I'm fine.

-Your loss.

Unless you want to lose a clump of that nice hair, get out my way.

All right.

Are you one of Janine's mates? If not, you have to stay that side and pay for your own drinks.

It's all right, doll. Me and Janine, we go way back.

Yes, please...

Let's get out of here. It's prozzie o'clock.

-You know that's Mandy's mum.

-What, the alky?

40 years of drinking, that's what you'll look like.

Yeah? Well, remind me to pick up some moisturiser then.

-Can you say something, please?

-Table two need more water.

Really mature(!)

I just want things to go back to how they were before.

How? You got that real-life TARDIS stashed in the kitchen?

-That money could help us.

-If you do, I wouldn't mind going back and finding out who shot JFK.

-After we've stopped Jedward's parents meeting.

-Tam!

-You having the tandoori again?

-Yeah. Korma?

-Dunno why we bother looking.

-Go somewhere else if you want?

-No, it's fine. It's fine.

Did you manage to get hold of Lauren?

No. She's not answering her phone.

She's probably worried, that's all.

-Skiving off ain't going to help, is it?

-Go easy on her, please. For me.

So...what did the nurse say?

Maybe you should... just try Lauren again, will you?

-Check and see if she's all right.

-Yeah.

Aagh! It's my dad. I wish he'd take the hint.

-Maybe you shouldn't bunk off work?

-Work is not everything, Lucy.

My mum worked hard for years and look what good that's done her.

What's the point if you can't just have a little bit of fun,

d'you know what I mean? Same again, please.

Take it easy. You just got here.

The drinks are two pound for the next ten minutes. Oh, shots! We should get some shots!

-I can't, man.

-What? Come on, Fats.

-Excuse me, three shots, please. The Terminator ones.

-Nah, babe. I can't, man. I need this job.

-Less work, more play.

-Yeah, but play ain't going to pay the bills, sweetie, OK?

That's why you'll be single for the rest of your life.

Thanks, babe(!)

-Fats! I was joking.

-Nah, nah, it's all right. It's cool.

Bit harsh.

Oh, well. More for us then, innit.

That's what happens when married couples stop communicating.

-Sitting in restaurants with nothing to say.

-They're not married.

-Yeah, but you know what I mean.

-Afia, we are communicating.

-You think this money's going to solve everything?

-It might.

Anyway, I'm tired. I'm going to call it a night.

I'll get someone to cover.

No rush.

Well, I'll come home when I can, yeah?

So, you going to tell me what the nurse said?

I just wanted us to have a nice meal without having to worry about all that stuff.

She said it might be a while

before I can...do anything.

That's all right. It's all good.

-Nurse's orders.

-Yeah.

Sorry. I know it's a bit weird at the moment.

Well, once the scan's out the way, things'll get easier, won't they?

Next week's going to be a fresh start.

For us, Lauren,

the whole family.

Better days ahead.

Better days.

MUSIC BLARES

-Lucy! What?

-Come sit down.

-I don't want to sit down.

-Just for a minute.

-What d'you think you're doing?

-Lucy, now look what you've done.

-If you can't handle your drink, go somewhere else, eh?

-Oh, I can handle it.

-Lauren, no...

-See?

-I'm really sorry.

-All right. Keep that one.

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

-Maybe we should go home.

-What? No! We're having fun.

-It's not fun anymore, Lauren.

-That's your problem, always has been.

-Always been a bit uptight, ain't you?

-Right. Come on, let's go.

-I can smell chips. Can you?

-No.

I want some chips.

-I'm going to get Fatboy. We're going to take you home. All right?

-Has he got chips?

Just stay there.

Mum?

Mum?

Mum?

Two quid's worth, please.

-Lauren, there's a queue.

-They don't mind. Sorry, I'm hungry.

We're all hungry. That's why we're queuing.

£4.60, please, Kim.

Oh, mate!

Get that for me, please, babe.

If I bend down in this dress, all hell will break loose.

Lauren! You can't come round here. Back round the other side.

-Ian, I'm hungry.

-I don't care. There's a queue. Thank you.

Lauren!

You having a good time?

Yeah.

D'you want a better one?

Excuse me. Can you get out of the VIP section?

Like, now!

Jean! I don't know who half of these people are.

I let 'em in.

You are meant to be policing the rope, Jean!

I'm not a policewoman. And I'm not your lackey.

Billy, can you please help me

-get all these people the other side of that rope?

-Who? Which ones?

Use your brain and cross-check them off the guest list.

I can see who wears the trousers at yours.

Can you just go home, strange woman?

Before somebody steals your cardboard box.

Mum? What are you doing?

I'm just letting me hair down, all right?

-I knew I couldn't trust you. Can't leave you alone for five seconds.

-Smell it. Go on, smell it.

It's lemonade. All right?

-Can't bear to see me have a good time, can you?

-Come on, we're going home.

Lauren's gone.

Gone where?

Dunno. She got hammered and did a runner. Fatboy's looking for her. We need your help.

Very classy.

Where are the parents? That's what you gotta ask yourself, innit?

Probably on their own bender, ain't they?

Tan. Not our problem.

-Baby, wake up for me, please.

-I said she couldn't handle it.

If you're not going to help, move, yeah? Baby, you all right?

Can you open your eyes for me? Come here, baby, it's OK.

It's all right. Breathe. Luce? I've found her, babe.

Michael.

Needed to get out of there. Doing my brains in.

I've been watching you.

Creepy.

Do you love her?

Do you actually love that woman?

Getting married to her, ain't I?

She's dangerous.

That's why everyone's whispering behind your back. They're judging you.

I don't care what those no-marks think.

You're a better liar than me.

Living in someone else's shadow can be hard work.

You can lose yourself sometimes.

That won't happen to me.

Every time you see that scar on her stomach, think about what she's capable of.

She did that to herself.

She twists people until they start thinking, saying, doing stuff

that even in their worst nightmares they wouldn't think possible.

I'm a big boy, Jean.

I can look after myself.

If Carol comes back and finds her like that, she's going to lose it.

-She can't go home like this.

-Not on her back. In case she's sick.

-Great(!)

-I'll get a bucket.

I hope you're happy now, Lucy.

I didn't think she'd end up like this!

You know what, I'm going to get her some water, all right?

We'll sober her up and take her home when her parents are asleep.

Whitney, can you help Lucy find some towels, please? Whitney?

-Just...give me minute, all right?

-Babe?

-You coming in, babe?

-Yeah. Only be a sec.

-Max! Max!

It's, um...it's Lauren.

There's a boyband on TV living like cavemen for a week if you want to pour scorn?

Sure.

Get your comfy gear on then, I'll make some tea.

Tam...I don't want to fight about the money.

I just thought maybe it could help.

You grassed?!

She needs help!

-You should've looked out for her!

-I'm not her mother!

-She's going to hate you for this.

-At least she'll be alive.

First of all, thank you very much for coming.

I'm sure there are plenty of opinions in this room tonight.

But it seems to me the only opinion that really matters are Janine's and mine.

We're not stupid. We know what we're getting into. It's not going to be easy.

It's not the safe option. But we don't want that.

We don't want safe. We want...sparks.

And danger.

And surprises.

So if you're ready...

..for sparks...

..and surprises...

..just say you are.

I'm ready.

Good.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It was Lauren in the gutter. And we just left her there.

I know.

Better days? They're coming, right?

Yeah.

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