22/05/2012 EastEnders

So he's definitely moving, then?

I just got a text from Lola

saying that Ian's getting married the day after tomorrow. Mad house.

-Going to be all right having the afternoon off? Show support and that.

-Yeah. Yeah, course.

Come on, George. I'll throw in a fish supper for you and the wife.

I know it hardly covers the cost of the arrangements.

It's just a little sweetener until the end of the month. That's all.

Cheers, mate. I really do appreciate it.

It's 12.30 at the town hall. Bring the kids, yeah?

All right, mate. Bye.

So the catering's cancelled?

Thank you.

What are you smiling at?

SHE SHUDDERS

Someone walk over your grave?

There she is. My beautiful bride-to-be.

-Got you a nice cuppa. Sit and I'll bring you some toast.

-Ta.

-I am working here.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Get that for us, love.

-Love? Don't you mean cheating, murderous slapper?

D'you know what, I hardly slept a wink after last night.

I just lay there, listening to you breathe.

-That is creepy.

-I was just thinking, "There she is. The woman I love."

I can't have estate agents snooping round. I'm meant to be revising.

-Ian, I'm not even dressed yet!

-We did book.

The wedding, I tell you, everything is just starting to come together.

It's going to be the best wedding you've ever had.

-How many do you think I've had?!

-Could we just take a quick look?

-Yeah. Feel free. Just go round.

-Dad!

Love, I tell you. It is going to be magical.

-What, like when you married Cindy?

-What?

Cos it won't, Ian.

Yeah, you might've booked a Registry Office

and, yeah, I expect you'll turn up, but what else?

-Have you even ordered a cake yet?

-Oh, cake!

Guess not.

Ian, you're looking for Cindy Beale mark two.

I'm barely Mandy Salter mark one.

What are we doing?

Excuse me, excuse me. Masood!

Masood! Wait!

Whoa, whoa, you look terrible.

You got anything for number 45?

I dunno yet.

-Well, come on, it's important.

-There is an order, Ian.

At last! My beautifully altered bridesmaid dresses.

-Bridesmaids.

-Mandy has got bridesmaids, right?

Yes! Right, Town Hall Registry Office, 12.30 tomorrow.

Make sure you're there. Bring the missus. It's going to be magical. You don't want to miss it, OK? Yes!

You want to watch all three Twilight films tonight? Why?

-Thought you hated them?

-That was before the werewolf.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Nah, me and Oscar are going to watch this Jason Statham film.

I'm not having my little boy watch that nonsense!

What's Twilight? That's nonsense, innit?

-Just topless werewolves running about.

-No!

It's about abstinence, no nookie before marriage.

You two should have tried it.

Oi! I heard that! Hello, Jay.

-Your post, ma'am!

-Thank you.

-Morning, everyone.

-Jay, back me up, mate.

They think they're watching the Twilight films tonight.

Ain't that Jason Statham film on tonight?

Yes, exactly. Well done. You've just earned yourself a driving lesson.

-No, that does not mean you've won!

-Yes, it does.

-No. Tell him.

-Family's a numbers game. One, two, three.

-So he's part of the family now?

-Yes, he is.

You can't go now. You'll have to take him later. You've booked...

We're only going round the square. Come on, Jay.

Did you come to see me or my dad?

Sorry, sweet cheeks. I thought you was working today.

-I am. So leave me alone!

-SHE SNORTS

Why you here?

Washing up? I'm beginning to feel like an house husband.

Billy, get Whitney on the phone for me, would you?

Charming. It's the mornings when I love you most.

Tell her the dresses have arrived and sound her out about moving in...

again.

-I've got to interview Jean.

-I'm sure you can manage both.

You're not trying that woman? She'll sink the business!

I need cleaners. I need to know if these dresses fit.

And I need to know if I have to put my entire empire on hold,

while I play peek-a-boo for the next five years!

I'm Mandy Salter and I'm not getting on that boat!

Come on, Alfie, pick your phone up.

Look, you're supposed to be sharing the workload with me because you're my best man.

Give me a call back, please!

-By the way, I borrowed that money I found in your jeans.

-How much?

Listen, I was thinking... Bridesmaids. It just occurred to me.

Have you asked anyone?

Ian, I'm going to get my nails done for YOUR wedding.

-You know, what more do you want from me?

-Mand!

-Take it no-one said yes.

-You do it.

Yeah! Mandy would love to have you as her bridesmaid.

-I mean, she loves you.

-Are you mad?

-Do it for me, then.

-What, after how you spoke to me yesterday?

When did you last do anything for me?

When was the last time you did anything to deserve it?

-Thanks, Maria.

-It's Marie.

Smells like compost.

Yeah, it calms you down.

I don't need calming. I need Ray to see what I see. The truth!

Right, you've lost me.

His daughter's dancing. The flailing limbs. The dis-coordination.

-Dis-coordination?

-As in un-rhythmicality.

The girl dances like corn bouncing on a hotplate and not in a good way.

Ah, you're just mean.

Mean? He's the one bigging her up like she's the love child

of Justin Timberlake and Usher.

And before you say it, I know they're two blokes

but this love child was IVF!

Yes. Yes, Kim. That's exactly how IVF works.

I'm sorry, but is this a science class or is it

a Kim gets it off her resplendent chest session?

Maybe you should just take her to one of your Kimba classes.

Do me a favour.

You should be happy, Dad. You get to spend the day with me.

Oh, look at this. My two favourite women all under one roof.

-You all right, babe?

-Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

Only Sasha can't go to her school trip today

because someone forgot to bring home a letter for me to sign.

-I don't care how cotton mills work.

-You can't stay at the Vic all day.

Oh, right. Kim was just saying that she would love to...

KIM KICKS HER

..to take your Sasha... SHE COUGHS

..to one of her Kimba classes, you know.

Yeah. That's a wicked idea. So long as it doesn't involve gravestones!

What do you reckon, babe? Want to show 'em how it's done?

Bust a couple of moves, yeah?

HE LAUGHS

-Bridesmaid!

-Oh, Ian! You frightened me.

Mandy would love to have you as her bridesmaid.

No, I'm Janine's.

What are you? About a size ten?

I'm an eight. Ian, I haven't agreed to anything.

-Lauren, he wants me to be Mandy's bridesmaid.

-I thought you were Janine's?

It'd make her so happy on her special day. Please.

-I can always slip you 50 later.

-Well, ain't that a bit cheap?

-100?

-No, I mean bribing people to like your wife.

I know. It's a hassle. There's fittings and dress rehearsals and all the rest of it.

All right. You do it then.

We've got that appointment thing, ain't we, with my mum?

So we're well late already. Sorry.

Look, you'll still come along to the service, won't you?

Town Hall Registry Office. Tomorrow. 12.30. Yeah? It'll be magical!

PHONE RINGS

Alfie, where you been?

Yeah, listen, mate. This is important, OK? We forgot bridesmaids!

What d'you mean you're not coming back?

The thing is I've got an interview with Billy in, um, 15 minutes!

So you put the money in and expect other people to do the hard work?

No! No. I just don't know how helpful I'll be.

Not very if you don't learn the figures.

Jean.

Look out there.

Go on.

A boxing gym is the heartbeat of a community.

Don't just nod. You've got to feel it.

You know, that's Walford.

The big, the small.

The rich, the poor.

That's the community, Jean. Just beating.

You don't just put money into something like that.

Got to put your soul into it as well.

Right.

Well, we'd better get started, then.

It was just so weird. Like, desperate.

Maybe Mandy just really likes you.

No-one said yes, more like.

Yeah, forget maid of honour, maid of last resort.

That's even more reason for you to do it.

-Babe, don't get involved.

-Hello?

If you want to chip in, you can pay like everyone else.

I've already said yes to Janine.

It'll have to be you then, won't it? I mean, how awful must it be

knowing you haven't got a single friend in the world?

Er, no. The guilt trip is not working.

-You're done.

-Lovely. Cheers.

Oh, d'you know they're moving house as well?

Yep, saw the sign up this morning.

Look at your face, look. It's going to be a disaster.

Oh, hello, Mandy! What can I do for you?

Um, nails. I suppose.

Right. Lovely. Thanks for the chop.

Don't get involved.

-What was he on about?

-No idea.

OK, Kimba-ettes, thank you so much. Sorry about the change of venue.

They double-booked me. Come on, Jackie. Come on, Jackie.

Don't worry, their heads have been busted.

You OK there, Sasha?

I'm just doing my thing.

Yeah? Well, it's my class. And it's MY thing now.

So watch and learn!

OK. Let's go. Un, deux, trois, quatre!

Come on! And the arms! Bend your back, bend your back.

Give me the arms. Arms!

You must be very excited at the moment with everything that's going on.

With the wedding and...

Lauren says you're moving house.

Can't be great for Lucy, can it, with the exams coming up?

Why does everybody assume it's my fault?

You know, I was minding my own business, working in the club

and Ian dragged me back here and everything is my fault ever since.

Hang on, I haven't finished...

You haven't paid me.

I always thought there's a lyrical quality to your speech.

I mean, you'd make a perfect best man for me.

Ian, bruvver, why you telling me stuff I already know?

I was thinking you could have a word with Lauren and Whitney. I can pay.

I mean, do I look like a window cleaner to you?

I mean, where does it say in my job description window cleaner?

I do this the whole day.

I sell my soul the whole day, and for what, man?

When I go home, the selling stops, all right?

That is Fats' time, that is my time.

I put on some tunes. I get down with the ladies. All right?

I don't do Bar Mitzvahs or weddings, bruv. Best man? What you thinking?

Did I just hear right?

Alfie's gone away. He's dumped me in it.

And he's your best bet?

I was just passing, OK? Phil, it's none of your business.

Well, you acting weird, pulling a shotgun wedding, selling your house, that's my business.

-Now have I got something to worry about?

-Thought you'd be pleased.

You all right?

SHE SIGHS

Yeah. Time travelling.

You know, one day I'll have worked here my whole life.

-Can I sit down?

-Yeah.

You know, Mandy,

you don't seem like someone that's getting married in two days.

How should I seem?

Excited. Scared. Maybe up and down, left and right.

You just seem...down.

Well, there's not a lot to get up about.

My mum said I'd mess it up. Who am I to argue, eh?

Mothers, eh?

Ain't you one?

Yeah. Somewhere across town, one of my girls is hating me for something I've said without thinking.

No, my mum meant it.

You know, Mandy, when you're a mum

you spend so much of your life being ignored

that it's easy to forget how much your words mean to your kids.

I could say something to a mate and it's forgotten in minutes.

But I say something to one of my babies,

and they remember it for ever.

They hate me for it.

Yeah, that's true.

You're getting married, Mandy. You should get your mum's blessing.

Well, she's in hospital. I don't even know how bad it is.

That's even more reason then.

You know where I am...if you need your nails finishing.

-That's well above inflation so we can put that back into the business.

-PHONE RINGS

Oh, that's Billy!

He says if I don't go now, I've lost the job.

Jean, look. Jean, look. Look at this kid. See this kid?

He loves nicking cars.

Loves it. But when he's here, we can keep him out of trouble.

Me and Jack, we lack a woman's touch, Jean. You know?

He looks so young.

Yeah. If you can think of this place as a home...

..then it needs a mother. Every boy needs his mum, right?

What's this? You fancy a bit of sparring do you, Jean?

See, look. He loves having you here. We all love having you here, Jean.

Come on. Let's go and celebrate. Let's have a drink.

-Celebrate?

-Yeah, yeah. Celebrate. You're going to be rich, Jean.

You're going to be very, very rich. Forget Billy. Come on.

Hey, babe. How'd it go?

Standard was pretty low. Can I get changed upstairs?

Course you can.

She says my standards are low and you just smile?

So come on, then. How good was she? Bet they couldn't keep up, huh?

And now you're doing it! You're slagging off my class.

Babe, I didn't mean any harm by it.

I don't mean no harm by this.

That girl's dancing is unholy. It's un-bubblicious.

-You telling her different sets her up for one almighty fall.

-HE LAUGHS

Does my face say laugh? No, it says run for cover.

What, you being serious?

Right. Well, thanks for looking after her, yeah?

-I'm just saying...

-I know she's not the best, all right.

But what am I supposed to do? Put her down because she wouldn't win Strictly?

Suppose not.

Course I'm going to encourage her.

That's what you do when you're a parent. You big up your kids.

Sorry.

When I see that girl, I see everything she can be.

You just see everything that she can't.

-I dunno why you put up with me.

-Cos I love you.

Is it?

You all right there, babe?

I love you too!

Your mother's just out of recovery.

If you wait a sec, I'll take you through. The others are here too.

Recovery?

What others?

Jack. You and Lauren, you're close, yeah?

Yeah. She's my niece.

What I mean is, she's a nice girl, isn't she?

It'd be great to have her at the wedding.

Town Hall, 12.30. You as well.

This is nice. I'm five minutes late and you get a ringer in already!

Well, he sat down, uninvited.

Marie, nice cup of tea for me, please, beautiful.

-So what's he been on about?

-This isn't a joke, OK?

So far he's established that Lauren's my niece and that she's a very nice girl.

He'll be pointing out that we're brothers next.

I thought Lauren would like to be bridesmaid for Mandy.

I've got this one. Let me get this straight. Mandy is your aunt?

-Fiancee!

-What? You're marrying your aunt?

-Your family, Ian. God.

I'm still trying to work out how Phil's son is your brother.

Can you just shut up, please?

-Ooh! Charming!

-That's no way to ask for a favour, is it?

-I need a bridesmaid, OK!

-THEY LAUGH

No, no. Mandy needs a bridesmaid.

Forgive me if I get this wrong,

but isn't that normally the job of the bride?

-She ain't having cold feet, is she?

-What did you say?

-He's only joking.

-Truth hurt?

-Derek.

No. She loves me.

I've had strippers fall in love with me.

They probably meant it until my money ran out.

You take that back.

See, what you've got to remember,

is there's always someone with more dough to tempt 'em away.

-Don't you push me.

-Or what?

You ain't going to ask me to be your bridesmaid?

Right, that's it! We're closing the caff! Come on, all of you. Out!

-I haven't had my cuppa tea yet!

-I am not a joke, all right?

-Go on, everybody out.

-I haven't finished!

-You think I'm a joke, just get out!

-What?

Come on, Jack.

Sorry about this place. It's disgusting.

They've had a dance class in here or something.

No, no, it's all right.

I was wondering what my son would make of his mum

becoming a business woman.

A venture capitalist, no less!

SHE LAUGHS

Cheers.

This is my daughter Stacey.

And Sean, my son.

I'll tell him later. Well, I'll tell his picture.

We chat all the time.

Sounds bonkers, I know.

I think it's important to stay in touch with people

when they're not there.

Especially when they're not there. Don't you think?

-I don't have any pictures.

-Ah.

-Not even of your mum?

-No.

-What is it?

-There was a picture.

In their bedroom.

Old black and white one, portrait.

One of those old portraits. That's right.

She's young in it. She's younger than me.

Really odd when you see your parents as children, isn't it?

It's like an intrusion.

Yeah. She's wearing a white frilly dress with a bow.

And she's not happy about it. She's wearing one of these round her neck.

What happened to it?

Oh, my dad took it down.

Said she wasn't that person any more.

Oh, you never know. He might still have it.

He might be talking to her like I talk to Sean.

Lucky him.

Lauren won't be involved in that wedding now.

-He's barred from the Bhajee.

-What's with the mothers' meeting?

We've just been expelled from the caff.

Ian didn't quite get Derek's sense of humour.

He went mad, slung us all out. Look, poor Marie.

Look, she's all upset. Come here, darling, come here.

-Where is he now?

-Said something about the chippy.

Oh, don't go after him, Max. Max!

Who...?

Um, that's not my mum.

Lorraine Hardy?

No. Lorraine Stephens.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

-If you'd just like to come back to the day room.

-What's wrong?

If you'd just like to come this way.

KNOCK ON DOOR

You OK, Ian?

Is the stall closed an' all?

-It ain't funny.

-Who said it was?

People can mock me cos I want to have a best man at my wedding but...

But to laugh at Mandy? Why shouldn't she have a magical day?

And a beautiful dress and bridesmaids?

Course, mate. Course she deserves all that.

Your Lauren doesn't think so or my Lucy.

Sad thing is, she don't either.

Look, Ian, I'm sorry about my brothers. They can be idiots.

All I've got, right, I've got a venue,

I've got a honeymoon and I've got a fiancee.

I don't even know how many people are turning up.

Ian, why don't you just call it off, mate?

Because it'll make her feel worthless. OK?

She needs to have a beautiful day so...

..so she knows how beautiful she is.

So what we got here?

Car. I know just the man for the car.

Do you a good deal, an' all. Cake.

Sounds like best man talk.

Go on, then, Ian. Go on, I guess so.

No, you can't. I've got...

Don't expect a big speech, all right? I don't do 'em.

Here I am...again.

I am sorry about earlier.

I can be clumsy with words.

She was very religious, my mother.

Heaven and...hell.

Very, very real to her.

This - St Christopher, he is - is the patron saint of travel.

She gave my brother Craig one as well.

She said that he couldn't help her where she was going.

Imagine that. Imagine sending yourself to hell.

You said that this place needed a mum.

Would you like a hug? Us mums are good at hugs.

He's gone mad, all right. He's proper lost it, Dad.

-What you talking about?

-Ian! He threw everyone out the chippy and the caff.

Shut 'em down. Apparently he was screaming in the street.

-When was this?

-This afternoon. They're all talking about it at school.

Everyone is talking about it! Maybe that's what he wants though.

Maybe he wants people to know cos he wants it off his shoulders.

That's why he's losing it. Dad, you've got to do something.

Hello, love. You want some lunch?

What's up?

I'm Ian Beale's best man.

What? You said not to get involved!

What's happened?

Well, sort of volunteered, didn't I?

Oh. That's lovely of you.

I thought that Ben was Ian's best man?

What on earth are you going to say in your speech?

Talk about all the mad adventures that you two have been on?

If you need help, ask me.

Why you so keen?

Jane's been so worried about Bobby since she left.

Ian and Mandy married, that'll be the stability he needs.

-PHONE RINGS

-Hello, Max Branning?

What's up, Jay?

Nothing.

You're joking me?

Max?

Ian, it's Max. Yeah, your best man.

Listen, mate, I called the Registry Office on the way back

and they've just got back to me.

There's something you need to know.

What's up with you?

This morning you said...

Catering! Cancelled by Mandy Salter.

Registry Office, cancelled by Mandy Salter. Were you going to tell me?

Were you going to let me turn up and find out that way?

Were you even going to bother turning up yourself?

-I don't understand.

-Do you know what I have gone through today?

How much pride I've had to swallow?

-I've had some...

-To try and give you a magical day. Your special day.

People warned me off you, OK? And I wouldn't have it.

I said no. She is not a slapper. She is not a gold digger

-She is capable of love.

-Oh, shut up!

Just shut up!

I went to see my mum today.

I got there but I was...

I was too late.

My mum's dead.

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