22/05/2012 EastEnders


22/05/2012

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Transcript


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So he's definitely moving, then?

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I just got a text from Lola

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saying that Ian's getting married the day after tomorrow. Mad house.

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-Going to be all right having the afternoon off? Show support and that.

-Yeah. Yeah, course.

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Come on, George. I'll throw in a fish supper for you and the wife.

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I know it hardly covers the cost of the arrangements.

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It's just a little sweetener until the end of the month. That's all.

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Cheers, mate. I really do appreciate it.

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It's 12.30 at the town hall. Bring the kids, yeah?

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All right, mate. Bye.

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So the catering's cancelled?

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Thank you.

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What are you smiling at?

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SHE SHUDDERS

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Someone walk over your grave?

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There she is. My beautiful bride-to-be.

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-Got you a nice cuppa. Sit and I'll bring you some toast.

-Ta.

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-I am working here.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

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-Get that for us, love.

-Love? Don't you mean cheating, murderous slapper?

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D'you know what, I hardly slept a wink after last night.

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I just lay there, listening to you breathe.

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-That is creepy.

-I was just thinking, "There she is. The woman I love."

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I can't have estate agents snooping round. I'm meant to be revising.

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-Ian, I'm not even dressed yet!

-We did book.

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The wedding, I tell you, everything is just starting to come together.

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It's going to be the best wedding you've ever had.

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-How many do you think I've had?!

-Could we just take a quick look?

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-Yeah. Feel free. Just go round.

-Dad!

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Love, I tell you. It is going to be magical.

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-What, like when you married Cindy?

-What?

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Cos it won't, Ian.

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Yeah, you might've booked a Registry Office

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and, yeah, I expect you'll turn up, but what else?

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-Have you even ordered a cake yet?

-Oh, cake!

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Guess not.

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Ian, you're looking for Cindy Beale mark two.

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I'm barely Mandy Salter mark one.

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What are we doing?

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Excuse me, excuse me. Masood!

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Masood! Wait!

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Whoa, whoa, you look terrible.

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You got anything for number 45?

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I dunno yet.

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-Well, come on, it's important.

-There is an order, Ian.

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At last! My beautifully altered bridesmaid dresses.

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-Bridesmaids.

-Mandy has got bridesmaids, right?

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Yes! Right, Town Hall Registry Office, 12.30 tomorrow.

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Make sure you're there. Bring the missus. It's going to be magical. You don't want to miss it, OK? Yes!

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You want to watch all three Twilight films tonight? Why?

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-Thought you hated them?

-That was before the werewolf.

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-DOORBELL RINGS

-Nah, me and Oscar are going to watch this Jason Statham film.

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I'm not having my little boy watch that nonsense!

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What's Twilight? That's nonsense, innit?

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-Just topless werewolves running about.

-No!

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It's about abstinence, no nookie before marriage.

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You two should have tried it.

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Oi! I heard that! Hello, Jay.

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-Your post, ma'am!

-Thank you.

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-Morning, everyone.

-Jay, back me up, mate.

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They think they're watching the Twilight films tonight.

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Ain't that Jason Statham film on tonight?

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Yes, exactly. Well done. You've just earned yourself a driving lesson.

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-No, that does not mean you've won!

-Yes, it does.

-No. Tell him.

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-Family's a numbers game. One, two, three.

-So he's part of the family now?

-Yes, he is.

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You can't go now. You'll have to take him later. You've booked...

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We're only going round the square. Come on, Jay.

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Did you come to see me or my dad?

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Sorry, sweet cheeks. I thought you was working today.

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-I am. So leave me alone!

-SHE SNORTS

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Why you here?

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Washing up? I'm beginning to feel like an house husband.

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Billy, get Whitney on the phone for me, would you?

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Charming. It's the mornings when I love you most.

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Tell her the dresses have arrived and sound her out about moving in...

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again.

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-I've got to interview Jean.

-I'm sure you can manage both.

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You're not trying that woman? She'll sink the business!

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I need cleaners. I need to know if these dresses fit.

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And I need to know if I have to put my entire empire on hold,

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while I play peek-a-boo for the next five years!

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I'm Mandy Salter and I'm not getting on that boat!

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Come on, Alfie, pick your phone up.

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Look, you're supposed to be sharing the workload with me because you're my best man.

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Give me a call back, please!

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-By the way, I borrowed that money I found in your jeans.

-How much?

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Listen, I was thinking... Bridesmaids. It just occurred to me.

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Have you asked anyone?

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Ian, I'm going to get my nails done for YOUR wedding.

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-You know, what more do you want from me?

-Mand!

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-Take it no-one said yes.

-You do it.

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Yeah! Mandy would love to have you as her bridesmaid.

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-I mean, she loves you.

-Are you mad?

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-Do it for me, then.

-What, after how you spoke to me yesterday?

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When did you last do anything for me?

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When was the last time you did anything to deserve it?

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-Thanks, Maria.

-It's Marie.

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Smells like compost.

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Yeah, it calms you down.

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I don't need calming. I need Ray to see what I see. The truth!

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Right, you've lost me.

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His daughter's dancing. The flailing limbs. The dis-coordination.

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-Dis-coordination?

-As in un-rhythmicality.

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The girl dances like corn bouncing on a hotplate and not in a good way.

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Ah, you're just mean.

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Mean? He's the one bigging her up like she's the love child

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of Justin Timberlake and Usher.

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And before you say it, I know they're two blokes

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but this love child was IVF!

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Yes. Yes, Kim. That's exactly how IVF works.

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I'm sorry, but is this a science class or is it

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a Kim gets it off her resplendent chest session?

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Maybe you should just take her to one of your Kimba classes.

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Do me a favour.

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You should be happy, Dad. You get to spend the day with me.

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Oh, look at this. My two favourite women all under one roof.

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-You all right, babe?

-Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

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Only Sasha can't go to her school trip today

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because someone forgot to bring home a letter for me to sign.

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-I don't care how cotton mills work.

-You can't stay at the Vic all day.

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Oh, right. Kim was just saying that she would love to...

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KIM KICKS HER

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..to take your Sasha... SHE COUGHS

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..to one of her Kimba classes, you know.

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Yeah. That's a wicked idea. So long as it doesn't involve gravestones!

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What do you reckon, babe? Want to show 'em how it's done?

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Bust a couple of moves, yeah?

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HE LAUGHS

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-Bridesmaid!

-Oh, Ian! You frightened me.

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Mandy would love to have you as her bridesmaid.

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No, I'm Janine's.

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What are you? About a size ten?

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I'm an eight. Ian, I haven't agreed to anything.

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-Lauren, he wants me to be Mandy's bridesmaid.

-I thought you were Janine's?

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It'd make her so happy on her special day. Please.

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-I can always slip you 50 later.

-Well, ain't that a bit cheap?

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-100?

-No, I mean bribing people to like your wife.

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I know. It's a hassle. There's fittings and dress rehearsals and all the rest of it.

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All right. You do it then.

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We've got that appointment thing, ain't we, with my mum?

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So we're well late already. Sorry.

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Look, you'll still come along to the service, won't you?

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Town Hall Registry Office. Tomorrow. 12.30. Yeah? It'll be magical!

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PHONE RINGS

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Alfie, where you been?

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Yeah, listen, mate. This is important, OK? We forgot bridesmaids!

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What d'you mean you're not coming back?

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The thing is I've got an interview with Billy in, um, 15 minutes!

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So you put the money in and expect other people to do the hard work?

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No! No. I just don't know how helpful I'll be.

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Not very if you don't learn the figures.

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Jean.

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Look out there.

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Go on.

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A boxing gym is the heartbeat of a community.

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Don't just nod. You've got to feel it.

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You know, that's Walford.

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The big, the small.

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The rich, the poor.

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That's the community, Jean. Just beating.

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You don't just put money into something like that.

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Got to put your soul into it as well.

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Right.

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Well, we'd better get started, then.

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It was just so weird. Like, desperate.

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Maybe Mandy just really likes you.

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No-one said yes, more like.

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Yeah, forget maid of honour, maid of last resort.

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That's even more reason for you to do it.

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-Babe, don't get involved.

-Hello?

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If you want to chip in, you can pay like everyone else.

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I've already said yes to Janine.

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It'll have to be you then, won't it? I mean, how awful must it be

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knowing you haven't got a single friend in the world?

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Er, no. The guilt trip is not working.

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-You're done.

-Lovely. Cheers.

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Oh, d'you know they're moving house as well?

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Yep, saw the sign up this morning.

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Look at your face, look. It's going to be a disaster.

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Oh, hello, Mandy! What can I do for you?

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Um, nails. I suppose.

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Right. Lovely. Thanks for the chop.

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Don't get involved.

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-What was he on about?

-No idea.

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OK, Kimba-ettes, thank you so much. Sorry about the change of venue.

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They double-booked me. Come on, Jackie. Come on, Jackie.

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Don't worry, their heads have been busted.

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You OK there, Sasha?

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I'm just doing my thing.

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Yeah? Well, it's my class. And it's MY thing now.

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So watch and learn!

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OK. Let's go. Un, deux, trois, quatre!

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Come on! And the arms! Bend your back, bend your back.

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Give me the arms. Arms!

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You must be very excited at the moment with everything that's going on.

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With the wedding and...

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Lauren says you're moving house.

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Can't be great for Lucy, can it, with the exams coming up?

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Why does everybody assume it's my fault?

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You know, I was minding my own business, working in the club

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and Ian dragged me back here and everything is my fault ever since.

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Hang on, I haven't finished...

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You haven't paid me.

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I always thought there's a lyrical quality to your speech.

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I mean, you'd make a perfect best man for me.

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Ian, bruvver, why you telling me stuff I already know?

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I was thinking you could have a word with Lauren and Whitney. I can pay.

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I mean, do I look like a window cleaner to you?

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I mean, where does it say in my job description window cleaner?

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I do this the whole day.

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I sell my soul the whole day, and for what, man?

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When I go home, the selling stops, all right?

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That is Fats' time, that is my time.

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I put on some tunes. I get down with the ladies. All right?

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I don't do Bar Mitzvahs or weddings, bruv. Best man? What you thinking?

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Did I just hear right?

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Alfie's gone away. He's dumped me in it.

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And he's your best bet?

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I was just passing, OK? Phil, it's none of your business.

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Well, you acting weird, pulling a shotgun wedding, selling your house, that's my business.

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-Now have I got something to worry about?

-Thought you'd be pleased.

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You all right?

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SHE SIGHS

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Yeah. Time travelling.

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You know, one day I'll have worked here my whole life.

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-Can I sit down?

-Yeah.

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You know, Mandy,

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you don't seem like someone that's getting married in two days.

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How should I seem?

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Excited. Scared. Maybe up and down, left and right.

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You just seem...down.

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Well, there's not a lot to get up about.

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My mum said I'd mess it up. Who am I to argue, eh?

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Mothers, eh?

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Ain't you one?

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Yeah. Somewhere across town, one of my girls is hating me for something I've said without thinking.

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No, my mum meant it.

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You know, Mandy, when you're a mum

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you spend so much of your life being ignored

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that it's easy to forget how much your words mean to your kids.

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I could say something to a mate and it's forgotten in minutes.

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But I say something to one of my babies,

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and they remember it for ever.

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They hate me for it.

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Yeah, that's true.

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You're getting married, Mandy. You should get your mum's blessing.

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Well, she's in hospital. I don't even know how bad it is.

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That's even more reason then.

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You know where I am...if you need your nails finishing.

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-That's well above inflation so we can put that back into the business.

-PHONE RINGS

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Oh, that's Billy!

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He says if I don't go now, I've lost the job.

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Jean, look. Jean, look. Look at this kid. See this kid?

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He loves nicking cars.

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Loves it. But when he's here, we can keep him out of trouble.

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Me and Jack, we lack a woman's touch, Jean. You know?

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He looks so young.

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Yeah. If you can think of this place as a home...

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..then it needs a mother. Every boy needs his mum, right?

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What's this? You fancy a bit of sparring do you, Jean?

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See, look. He loves having you here. We all love having you here, Jean.

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Come on. Let's go and celebrate. Let's have a drink.

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-Celebrate?

-Yeah, yeah. Celebrate. You're going to be rich, Jean.

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You're going to be very, very rich. Forget Billy. Come on.

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Hey, babe. How'd it go?

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Standard was pretty low. Can I get changed upstairs?

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Course you can.

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She says my standards are low and you just smile?

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So come on, then. How good was she? Bet they couldn't keep up, huh?

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And now you're doing it! You're slagging off my class.

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Babe, I didn't mean any harm by it.

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I don't mean no harm by this.

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That girl's dancing is unholy. It's un-bubblicious.

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-You telling her different sets her up for one almighty fall.

-HE LAUGHS

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Does my face say laugh? No, it says run for cover.

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What, you being serious?

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Right. Well, thanks for looking after her, yeah?

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-I'm just saying...

-I know she's not the best, all right.

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But what am I supposed to do? Put her down because she wouldn't win Strictly?

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Suppose not.

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Course I'm going to encourage her.

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That's what you do when you're a parent. You big up your kids.

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Sorry.

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When I see that girl, I see everything she can be.

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You just see everything that she can't.

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-I dunno why you put up with me.

-Cos I love you.

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Is it?

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You all right there, babe?

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I love you too!

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Your mother's just out of recovery.

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If you wait a sec, I'll take you through. The others are here too.

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Recovery?

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What others?

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Jack. You and Lauren, you're close, yeah?

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Yeah. She's my niece.

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What I mean is, she's a nice girl, isn't she?

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It'd be great to have her at the wedding.

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Town Hall, 12.30. You as well.

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This is nice. I'm five minutes late and you get a ringer in already!

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Well, he sat down, uninvited.

0:17:040:17:06

Marie, nice cup of tea for me, please, beautiful.

0:17:060:17:09

-So what's he been on about?

-This isn't a joke, OK?

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So far he's established that Lauren's my niece and that she's a very nice girl.

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He'll be pointing out that we're brothers next.

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I thought Lauren would like to be bridesmaid for Mandy.

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I've got this one. Let me get this straight. Mandy is your aunt?

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-Fiancee!

-What? You're marrying your aunt?

-Your family, Ian. God.

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I'm still trying to work out how Phil's son is your brother.

0:17:280:17:31

Can you just shut up, please?

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-Ooh! Charming!

-That's no way to ask for a favour, is it?

0:17:320:17:36

-I need a bridesmaid, OK!

-THEY LAUGH

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No, no. Mandy needs a bridesmaid.

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Forgive me if I get this wrong,

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but isn't that normally the job of the bride?

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-She ain't having cold feet, is she?

-What did you say?

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-He's only joking.

-Truth hurt?

-Derek.

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No. She loves me.

0:17:490:17:50

I've had strippers fall in love with me.

0:17:500:17:53

They probably meant it until my money ran out.

0:17:530:17:55

You take that back.

0:17:550:17:57

See, what you've got to remember,

0:17:570:17:58

is there's always someone with more dough to tempt 'em away.

0:17:580:18:01

-Don't you push me.

-Or what?

0:18:010:18:03

You ain't going to ask me to be your bridesmaid?

0:18:030:18:06

Right, that's it! We're closing the caff! Come on, all of you. Out!

0:18:060:18:08

-I haven't had my cuppa tea yet!

-I am not a joke, all right?

0:18:080:18:12

-Go on, everybody out.

-I haven't finished!

0:18:120:18:13

-You think I'm a joke, just get out!

-What?

0:18:130:18:16

Come on, Jack.

0:18:160:18:17

Sorry about this place. It's disgusting.

0:18:180:18:20

They've had a dance class in here or something.

0:18:200:18:22

No, no, it's all right.

0:18:220:18:24

I was wondering what my son would make of his mum

0:18:240:18:29

becoming a business woman.

0:18:290:18:32

A venture capitalist, no less!

0:18:330:18:35

SHE LAUGHS

0:18:350:18:36

Cheers.

0:18:380:18:40

This is my daughter Stacey.

0:18:490:18:54

And Sean, my son.

0:18:540:18:58

I'll tell him later. Well, I'll tell his picture.

0:18:580:19:02

We chat all the time.

0:19:020:19:04

Sounds bonkers, I know.

0:19:050:19:08

I think it's important to stay in touch with people

0:19:090:19:12

when they're not there.

0:19:120:19:14

Especially when they're not there. Don't you think?

0:19:140:19:17

-I don't have any pictures.

-Ah.

0:19:170:19:20

-Not even of your mum?

-No.

0:19:210:19:25

-What is it?

-There was a picture.

0:19:310:19:35

In their bedroom.

0:19:360:19:38

Old black and white one, portrait.

0:19:390:19:41

One of those old portraits. That's right.

0:19:410:19:44

She's young in it. She's younger than me.

0:19:450:19:48

Really odd when you see your parents as children, isn't it?

0:19:480:19:52

It's like an intrusion.

0:19:520:19:56

Yeah. She's wearing a white frilly dress with a bow.

0:19:560:20:00

And she's not happy about it. She's wearing one of these round her neck.

0:20:030:20:08

What happened to it?

0:20:120:20:14

Oh, my dad took it down.

0:20:140:20:16

Said she wasn't that person any more.

0:20:160:20:18

Oh, you never know. He might still have it.

0:20:180:20:22

He might be talking to her like I talk to Sean.

0:20:230:20:25

Lucky him.

0:20:270:20:29

Lauren won't be involved in that wedding now.

0:20:330:20:35

-He's barred from the Bhajee.

-What's with the mothers' meeting?

0:20:350:20:38

We've just been expelled from the caff.

0:20:380:20:41

Ian didn't quite get Derek's sense of humour.

0:20:410:20:44

He went mad, slung us all out. Look, poor Marie.

0:20:440:20:47

Look, she's all upset. Come here, darling, come here.

0:20:470:20:49

-Where is he now?

-Said something about the chippy.

0:20:490:20:52

Oh, don't go after him, Max. Max!

0:20:530:20:57

Who...?

0:21:000:21:02

Um, that's not my mum.

0:21:020:21:04

Lorraine Hardy?

0:21:040:21:06

No. Lorraine Stephens.

0:21:060:21:08

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

0:21:080:21:10

-If you'd just like to come back to the day room.

-What's wrong?

0:21:100:21:14

If you'd just like to come this way.

0:21:140:21:16

KNOCK ON DOOR

0:21:260:21:27

You OK, Ian?

0:21:300:21:32

Is the stall closed an' all?

0:21:410:21:42

-It ain't funny.

-Who said it was?

0:21:420:21:45

People can mock me cos I want to have a best man at my wedding but...

0:21:460:21:49

But to laugh at Mandy? Why shouldn't she have a magical day?

0:21:490:21:53

And a beautiful dress and bridesmaids?

0:21:530:21:54

Course, mate. Course she deserves all that.

0:21:540:21:57

Your Lauren doesn't think so or my Lucy.

0:21:570:21:59

Sad thing is, she don't either.

0:21:590:22:01

Look, Ian, I'm sorry about my brothers. They can be idiots.

0:22:030:22:08

All I've got, right, I've got a venue,

0:22:080:22:10

I've got a honeymoon and I've got a fiancee.

0:22:100:22:12

I don't even know how many people are turning up.

0:22:120:22:15

Ian, why don't you just call it off, mate?

0:22:150:22:18

Because it'll make her feel worthless. OK?

0:22:180:22:22

She needs to have a beautiful day so...

0:22:220:22:24

..so she knows how beautiful she is.

0:22:260:22:28

So what we got here?

0:22:360:22:38

Car. I know just the man for the car.

0:22:380:22:42

Do you a good deal, an' all. Cake.

0:22:420:22:45

Sounds like best man talk.

0:22:470:22:49

Go on, then, Ian. Go on, I guess so.

0:22:530:22:57

No, you can't. I've got...

0:22:570:22:59

Don't expect a big speech, all right? I don't do 'em.

0:22:590:23:02

Here I am...again.

0:23:120:23:15

I am sorry about earlier.

0:23:170:23:19

I can be clumsy with words.

0:23:210:23:23

She was very religious, my mother.

0:23:250:23:27

Heaven and...hell.

0:23:290:23:32

Very, very real to her.

0:23:340:23:37

This - St Christopher, he is - is the patron saint of travel.

0:23:380:23:43

She gave my brother Craig one as well.

0:23:450:23:48

She said that he couldn't help her where she was going.

0:23:480:23:53

Imagine that. Imagine sending yourself to hell.

0:23:570:24:02

You said that this place needed a mum.

0:24:070:24:10

Would you like a hug? Us mums are good at hugs.

0:24:140:24:17

He's gone mad, all right. He's proper lost it, Dad.

0:24:300:24:32

-What you talking about?

-Ian! He threw everyone out the chippy and the caff.

0:24:320:24:36

Shut 'em down. Apparently he was screaming in the street.

0:24:360:24:38

-When was this?

-This afternoon. They're all talking about it at school.

0:24:380:24:42

Everyone is talking about it! Maybe that's what he wants though.

0:24:420:24:45

Maybe he wants people to know cos he wants it off his shoulders.

0:24:450:24:48

That's why he's losing it. Dad, you've got to do something.

0:24:480:24:51

Hello, love. You want some lunch?

0:24:530:24:55

What's up?

0:24:560:24:58

I'm Ian Beale's best man.

0:25:000:25:01

What? You said not to get involved!

0:25:020:25:04

What's happened?

0:25:050:25:07

Well, sort of volunteered, didn't I?

0:25:070:25:10

Oh. That's lovely of you.

0:25:100:25:12

I thought that Ben was Ian's best man?

0:25:120:25:14

What on earth are you going to say in your speech?

0:25:140:25:18

Talk about all the mad adventures that you two have been on?

0:25:180:25:20

If you need help, ask me.

0:25:200:25:23

Why you so keen?

0:25:230:25:24

Jane's been so worried about Bobby since she left.

0:25:240:25:27

Ian and Mandy married, that'll be the stability he needs.

0:25:270:25:30

-PHONE RINGS

-Hello, Max Branning?

0:25:300:25:31

What's up, Jay?

0:25:310:25:33

Nothing.

0:25:330:25:35

You're joking me?

0:25:350:25:37

Max?

0:25:380:25:39

Ian, it's Max. Yeah, your best man.

0:25:440:25:47

Listen, mate, I called the Registry Office on the way back

0:25:470:25:50

and they've just got back to me.

0:25:500:25:52

There's something you need to know.

0:25:520:25:55

What's up with you?

0:26:000:26:01

This morning you said...

0:26:030:26:06

Catering! Cancelled by Mandy Salter.

0:26:060:26:08

Registry Office, cancelled by Mandy Salter. Were you going to tell me?

0:26:080:26:11

Were you going to let me turn up and find out that way?

0:26:110:26:14

Were you even going to bother turning up yourself?

0:26:140:26:16

-I don't understand.

-Do you know what I have gone through today?

0:26:160:26:19

How much pride I've had to swallow?

0:26:190:26:21

-I've had some...

-To try and give you a magical day. Your special day.

0:26:210:26:25

People warned me off you, OK? And I wouldn't have it.

0:26:250:26:28

I said no. She is not a slapper. She is not a gold digger

0:26:280:26:31

-She is capable of love.

-Oh, shut up!

0:26:310:26:34

Just shut up!

0:26:340:26:35

I went to see my mum today.

0:26:370:26:39

I got there but I was...

0:26:410:26:43

I was too late.

0:26:440:26:46

My mum's dead.

0:26:490:26:51

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