23/07/2012 EastEnders

Hey, Lo!

Apparently you're supposed to have pasta the night before a big race.

Do you reckon spaghetti hoops for lunch does the same thing?

Lo!

MUSIC: THEME FROM "CHARIOTS OF FIRE"

THEY LAUGH

-Aah...

-Whoa, whoa, what... What are you doing?

-You're supposed to be setting an example for the boys.

Yeah, sweetheart, in case you don't know, I am the manager. I've got to stay focused and alert, all right?

Yeah? Well, what's it going to look like, you waddling down the side of the pitch with a big pot belly?

-What? Look at me - what pot belly, eh?

-It's a good job I'll be there cheering you and the boys on, eh?

No, sweetheart, sorry, sweetheart.

You can't be at the match.

-Why not?

-What do you mean, why not? What's the matter with you? Have you forgotten?

Today's the day when officially the Olympics comes to Walford, all right?

So I'm going to move the Queen Vic outside,

that way I can milk this momentous occasion dry.

Yeah!

But I was looking forward to going to that match.

Kat, sweetheart, we could make a few bob here.

Think of all the thirsty punters, eh?

All queuing up for our finest ales.

HE CHUCKLES

Didn't want to go to the poxy match anyway.

See, it's called the Kiss, right? I hold my torch out like that,

and wait for the fella behind me to pass on the flame.

Right, that's that sorted.

-Shall we make a move?

-Yeah!

-Pops, tell them about your route.

-Oh yeah, yeah, right.

So, I start out on George Street, yeah?

Make my way onto Turpin Road, past the war memorial, and then out onto Bridge Street.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-I'll get it.

-I'll get it!

-Then...

I do a quick lap of the Square, end up at the Vic, and that's where the next fella's waiting.

-Is that where you kiss him?

-That's right.

-Will you make the first move?

-Where he's been waiting all day to hold your torch?

THEY LAUGH

This is serious, Rox.

There's going to be thousands of people watching me on that torch cam.

-Sorry, what is he doing here?

-I just wanted to give you this before your run later on.

Yeah? Well, clear off.

Stay where you are.

Have you seen that ankle bracelet?

One more run-in with the law, and she's locked up.

It weren't Jay's fault.

-You heard her. It weren't his fault.

-I don't care whose fault it is.

He's a bad influence.

Pfff!

-Anyway, have I shown you my tracksuit?

-Twice.

Bill, what's in that box?

These little beauties are my new trainers.

Got 'em cheap online.

But I'm not going to get 'em out yet, not 'til just before the race. Cos I don't want to scuff 'em up.

-ROXY LAUGHS

-He thinks of everything, don't he?

I do. Talking of which, I'd better go and see Denise at the shop.

I think it's what they call a "PA" in the business.

THEY GIGGLE

Here, I've got a little something for you.

It's a little bit bitten-up

but it was one of George's favourites.

I love it.

Who'd have thought it, eh? Me flying the flag for the Mitchells.

Yep, the world has gone stark raving mad.

-Just try not to mess it up, eh?

-Hey, Phil...

I've waited my whole life for this day.

Nothing is going to go wrong. MOBILE RINGS

'Scuse me.

-See ya later.

-See ya.

-See ya later, Bill.

-See ya.

Hello, Janine?

Yeah, I thought you'd forgotten...

Now?

I can't, cos Alfie's expecting me at the match.

All right, give me 20 minutes.

I don't need a babysitter, Pops.

What about your curfew?

I said I'm going to be good, and I will, all right?

Go on, then.

See you later.

Argee Bhajee.

This going to take long, Denise?

Only I've got a cut and blow-dry at quarter past.

Kim! Kim...

If you wouldn't mind going and finding Billy, and tell him to get a shift on.

Do come to the Argee Bhajee.

Zainab!

Might I remind you that I'm the one that's paying your wages?

Power's gone to that woman's head. It's like working for the Gestapo.

-KIM:

-He's here!

And so, without further ado...

Er...on behalf of the Minute Mart Head Office,

I'd like to officially launch... Billy, if you wouldn't mind...

Our countdown clock,

which is counting down to the very second

that our Olympic torch arrives in Walford, so...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Everybody, everybody, feel free to drop in and check out our own-brand pies and pastries.

Dee, just give it up. Just give it up.

-TANYA:

-Oh, Lucy, Lucy...

-We're due at the cash and carry.

No, I just wanted to tell you that Linda's not been very well,

so Jane's had to fly out to Florida to see her.

-She did want to say happy birthday before she went.

-The phone's been playing up.

Yeah. How are you? Are you enjoying your day?

-I feel sick.

-Oh.

Well, maybe I should take him off your hands for a while?

-Do you want to come and hang out with me at the salon?

-It's OK. We're doing just fine, aren't we, Bobby?

-Yeah.

-Well, if you have any problems over the holidays or anything...

You will be the first person I call. Promise.

Oh. She appears to be missing a head.

-Moons!

-Hmm!

-Some nice stuff in here.

-Mmm?

Look at this!

1948 Olympic programme.

Hm!

Now you're talking.

The Moons?

You've got to be kidding me.

This is going straight in my display cabinet.

Hey, hey!

The Mighty Sparrow. Oh, you old dog, you!

Yeah, man!

-Hey!

-Hi, fellas.

Oh. We've come for our share.

Yours is in the box.

-HE CHUCKLES

-This a wind-up, isn't it, yeah?

We agreed I'd have first dibs.

What, so we're left with a pile of junk?

I've tried to be fair.

You've given us a jigsaw of the Shropshire Hills.

There's only seven pieces missing. I counted 'em myself.

You ain't going to get away with this.

I think I already have, don't you?

Procuring goods under false pretence. That is against the law.

Paddy, are you going to let them slander your wife like that?

She's making a mug of you, Paddy.

What can I say, son? Never hustle a hustler.

If I'd have known getting married

was going to ruffle so many feathers,

I'd have done it months ago.

Mm-hm?

My dear Cora, would you mind joining me for a dance?

What, here?

Oh, come on, let us show these youngsters how it's done.

Oh...

SHE CHUCKLES I've got a cabinet to fill.

Michael!

Just the man.

Any chance of a lift to the hospital?

That would mean travelling out of my way, Bill.

So that would be a no, then.

What, you're not going?

No again.

-So, what am I supposed to say to Janine?

-Dunno. Sure you can improvise.

Now, I want you to treat her as if she was my daughter.

No hands where they shouldn't be, and I want her home by eight o'clock.

Is that understood?

Yes, Derek.

Good boy.

You seen her over there?

Can't be more than 19 or 20.

-Good luck to him.

-Absolutely.

How are you?

Well, ain't you going to introduce us?

Would do, but she's a little bit shy.

Which is unusual, you know, for a pole dancer.

We're going to have all sorts walking those streets over the next few weeks.

So I think we should just do our best

to make sure that everyone's catered for.

So, right, come on, let's try it in Italian, here you are go on.

Como...posso...aiutarvi?

Now let's try that with a smile.

You girls have been round the houses, right?

I mean, what is it? Five husbands between you?

Help me out here.

When me and Ray first got together, it used to be every night.

-Every night?

-Yeah.

Oh, you mean EVERY night?

Yeah, and now I'm lucky if I get it, what, three, four times a week.

-You think he's going off me?

-I think you should be grateful for what you get.

Unless, of course, there's another woman involved.

-What?

-How else do you explain the lack of interest?

Kim! Just the girl I was looking for. You got five minutes?

Mate, I've got four beds to make up, a couple of Polish coming at four.

Look, the Olympics are coming to town, baby.

Yeah, don't I know it.

Look, let's have a drink later, yeah?

-Yeah.

-You'll have to excuse my sister.

She's feeling a bit, you know, neglected.

Every night?

Well, once a month would suit me.

Every quarter, even.

I'm not fussy. Ooh! You know what, I meant to tell you.

I've had to rearrange the rota just a little bit,

just to cover the shifts during the Games.

Er, hello? Are you going to buy this?

-I ain't decided yet.

-I'm not being funny, darlin',

-but you've been thumbing through that for the past three days.

-All right. I'm done.

Ugh!

Eh, Zee, here you go.

Um...

I think there's been a bit of a mistake.

It says I'm working here every night till 11.

Yeah. Yeah, well, head office have had to rearrange everything

and extend the hours during the Games, so...

-You expect me to serve at night in here to drunks and degenerates?

-Oh!

Zee, Zee.

It's a few weeks. It's not the end of the world.

And what if I say no?

Well, I suppose I'll just have to find someone

who's a little bit more accommodating, won't I?

DOOR BUZZER

All right?

How is she?

Oh, she's sleeping.

Where's Michael?

Er... You know, he's probably busy somewhere, isn't he?

-You know what he's like.

-I need him here, Billy.

Scarlett needs her dad.

Maybe you should have thought of that before changing the combination on the safe.

It's my money, and I can do what I want with it.

And if he wants access,

then he's going to have to try and gain my trust again.

Maybe it's a little bit late for that now.

Why? What are you talking about?

Janine, I feel like piggy in the middle. You say one thing, he says another.

-Please. No, don't tell me you told him the new combination?

-He's your husband!

-SHE SIGHS

-There I was thinking you were fighting my corner.

-I am!

-How much did he give you, Billy? What, 500 quid?

-Or a grand...

-No, he never gave me nothing!

Look, all I want is an easy life.

You think I want to get involved in your little domestics?

The only person that's important here is this little one. Who cares how much money he's going through?

-Give me your keys.

-What? What for?

DOOR BUZZER

DOOR CLOSES

Oh no, come on, Janine.

Janine, I need this job.

Lola's due with her little one any day now.

Just answer me one thing.

Why did you even marry him?

Because I love him.

No.

No, no, this ain't love.

This is toxic, that's what it is.

DOOR BUZZER

Are you sure you wouldn't rather be at the hospital?

No, I need to be here. Those shirts are a walking billboard for us, you know?

I need to protect the brand.

I'm just saying, Jack, that people are starting to talk.

-Is that right?

-Yeah. Let him have his fun, I said.

-That's very good of you, Derek.

-Well, it happens to us all eventually, doesn't it?

-What does?

-This mid-life crisis that you're going through.

When you suddenly realise

that you're only one step away from the knacker's yard.

Right, for those of you that haven't heard,

I'm doing a charity abseil.

Starting up a trust fund for Baby George.

Just me, a bit of rope and down the side of the Vic.

So, come on, cough up.

Ooh, that's the stuff of fantasy, that is, Shirl.

I mean, you scaling the rooftops,

dressed in all that black leather gear.

-Second thoughts, I'll leave the bucket on the bar.

-THEY LAUGH

-Hey, all right, fellas?

-Alfie!

-What can I get you?

-I'll get these. Seeing as I'm stuck in here all day.

-Nothing for me, thanks.

-Good lad, fasting. Got your mind on the game. Proud of you.

-You not coming to the match, Kat?

No, sadly, Mrs Moon here is masterminding our official Olympic launch, ain't you, darling?

-Mmm. Serving pints to sweaty tourists, more like.

-Well, that IS a shame.

-Yeah.

-You know, couple of pompoms, little short skirt.

-Yeah. How else we going to distract the other team?

That's a good idea, as it goes. They could do with a stroke of luck.

-Can't you get someone else?

-No, we can't. Mrs Moon ain't coming out to party, OK?

Right, so, what you having?

No, I'm just on my way over to the charity shop.

See how all my old bits are selling.

Proper little diamond, ain't she? Mrs Trueman.

-Well, she's made a difficult week that little bit more bearable.

-Yeah.

It's funny, though. Them two being married. I mean, you'd have thought they'd be living together.

Still...

That's her son-in-law over there. Max!

What do you make of Cora getting hitched again?

Yeah, happy days, yeah.

Tell him I'll throw in a donkey and all, yeah? Anything to get her off my hands.

Are you intending to buy anything, or just mess up my display?

I'll let you know, shall I?

Cora, Cora, Cora, look. Take a look at this.

It's a bit like the one you lost the other week.

Nothing like it.

Well, the pattern seems similar.

-Take a closer look now, man.

-Don't want to.

Tell you what, why don't I buy it for you?

It's my way of saying thank you.

What for?

Company.

For making me feel young again.

Hey, you never did tell me who gave it to you.

An old friend.

Were they special?

-Oh, will you two just get a room?

-Right, that's it. Out.

Ooh...

-Lola?

-Get a chair, Patrick.

It's all right, darling. It's all right.

You're just starting contractions, that's all.

-LOLA LAUGHS

-Your face, Grandma!

Empty your pockets.

I'm sorry?

Those shelves were full this morning.

-Now they're half-empty.

-Well, I ain't taken anything.

No, that's mine!

Patrick. Call the police.

Oh, come on, you've got it back. No harm done, huh?

You don't set foot in this shop again. Do you hear me?

Do you understand?

Oh...

Oops(!)

SHE LAUGHS

Cora, are you all right?

I'm fine.

I tell you what, why don't I just tidy all this thing up.

Oh, just go!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I've got a splitting headache.

Here he is. My star player.

-Alfie, mate, I think I'm going to have to bin it off.

-What you talking about? You can't do that.

-I've got to be back here at eight at the latest to warm up.

-Whoa, when has Alfie Moon ever let you down?

-What about if I get injured, eh?

-Oh...

-There's a lot of people relying on these feet and this hand.

-What's the worst that could happen?

-Apparently they're nutters.

-Got kicked out of the league last year for aggravated assault.

-Oi! Keep that quiet... Billy, listen.

I'll wrap you in bubble wrap if I have to. Put the number 9 on, I'm begging you. Come on!

-And the Gazette are going to be there?

-Yes!

All over it. They want to cover their Olympic hero on the pitch. Come on, Billy, I'm begging you.

-Yes, yeah...?

-Well, I can't let the team down.

-'Course you can't. I could kiss you, Billy Mitchell.

-No, don't. ALFIE LAUGHS

Wa-hey!

Have you told him that the only reason he's playing is so you can drum up a bit of free publicity?

-Not in so many words, no.

-Does Ray know you subbed him for Fozzie Bear yet?

-ALFIE SIGHS

-No. That's your job.

You're the manager. You sort it out.

-I expect Janet and William are really excited.

-Yeah. Honey's dropping them off later.

Apparently they've been making banners at school and everything.

Aaah... Well, I'll be on that starting line, waving my little flag.

Right, come on, fellas, if you'd like to make you way out now.

Come on, Mrs Moon will be waiting here with a tray of beverages on our return. Let's go.

-Hardly seems fair, does it?

-No.

-Us stuck here while they have all the fun.

-Mmm.

Tamwar, why haven't you opened yet?

Been open all day.

-Well, then make yourself busy, you know, do something. Do the accounts.

-I've done them already.

And?

Let's just say everything's got a big fat minus in front of it.

Oh..!

Why can't this family catch a break, huh?

You know, I used to have dreams.

Now everyone looks at me as if I'm stupid.

That's not true.

Most of them are terrified of you.

Tamwar,

I cannot let this place fail as well.

We've tried everything, OK?

We've tried all you can eat, home delivery...

-Two for one. I can't even give the food away, Mum.

-OK, fine!

Then we think of something else, don't we? You know, I've let things slide for too long.

Oh...

How about, er...

Fast boxes.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes!

We get up before sunrise, and we cook for, er...taxi drivers,

for postmen, anybody who needs to eat.

-Everyone needs to eat, Mum.

-Yes, at that time of the morning.

-Doesn't Denise need you back at the shop?

-No! Forget about the damn shop!

I need to focus my energies on this place.

You can't be serious.

There's not even enough money to pay MY wages, Mum.

We need every penny we can get right now.

ZAINAB SIGHS

You're underage. Hop it.

Er...I'm 16.

Don't give a monkey's. Sling your hook.

She's not doing any harm, is she?

How long you got to go?

She's due Saturday.

You can't decide when she's coming. She decides for you.

I want a word with you.

Will you pipe down, Grandma?

I've got a bill here for damage to my stock.

Well, I ain't got any money.

Tell that to the magistrate.

But they'll lock me up.

You should have thought of that before you went on a rampage.

Look at this. Broken Britain.

That's rich, coming from you.

I'm sorry?

"ASBO Granny." That's what they called you, didn't they?

Acting all high and mighty.

-You want to remember where you come from, darlin'.

-And you...

You want to watch that mouth of yours. It's going to get you into trouble one of these days...

Hello, Mrs Trueman.

-Oh, she's not Mrs True...

-Joy!

What a surprise.

Patrick not about?

He's visiting his friend, Jim.

He'll be so sorry to have missed you.

I shouldn't worry about it. It's you I've come to see.

Shall we go somewhere a bit quieter?

Why did you do that?

Cos you and me ain't all that different.

How come?

I used to be a mouthy little brat, and all.

You're all right, you know.

Ha! For an old bird. Yeah, I get it.

I never said that.

You don't have to.

-You don't have to look in the mirror every day.

-Well, Pops reckons you're a right laugh.

-Shame not everyone agrees with that.

-Well, I reckon you still know how to have a good time.

Yeah, so do I.

Jean, you know how to mix a drink, don't you?

Oh, I'm up to Mojito in Alfie's cocktail book.

Except I ran out of mint, so I had to use parsley instead.

Right.

That's official, then.

Consider yourself temporary landlady of the Queen Vic.

JEAN SIGHS

MOBILE BEEPS

Fellas, come on, can we switch the phones off?

I'm going to need your undivided attention here. Lads, please!

I promise I won't be any trouble. I'll just sit here and watch you work.

Don't drink that in the car, then.

GRIME MUSIC PLAYS

It would be churlish of me not to get into the spirit of things.

So stick me down for the graveyard shift.

But what about the drunks and degenerates?

I can handle your sister.

So how are you feeling?

-Much better.

-Were you really ill?

No, I was just hoping Dad might call to wish me a happy birthday.

Look, I tell you what.

You help me on the stall today,

and I'll treat you to the cinema tomorrow night.

But I thought we didn't have any money?

So I'll write myself an IOU.

-Hello, love!

-Hi.

Marie says you're setting up a stall outside for the torch run.

Yeah, it's a no-brainer. Why miss out on all that passing trade?

Oh!

BOBBY SCREAMS IN PAIN

-Bobby!

-I'm sorry, I slipped with the knife.

-It's just a scratch.

-Let's get you cleaned up, come here.

-No, no, it's OK. I can do that.

-Hold that on there.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

This is no place for a child.

What?

Where are you taking him?

PHONE RINGS

Hold on!

Er... Why don't you wait until the boys come back,

and then we can find out how they got on?

I'll find out later, won't I?

Well, where shall I say you've gone?

Just tell Alfie...

D'you know what, Jean? He might not even notice.

Hello, Queen Vic.

You, um...

You been working in that shop long?

Just over six months.

Nice little escape, I bet.

I expect head office sleep easy,

knowing they've left their shop in capable hands.

Little do they know that their manageress is nothing...

but a glorified grave robber.

I'm sorry?

Making out like you're married.

Parasites, the pair of you!

Oh, darling!

SHE MAKES EXAGGERATED KISSING NOISES

I don't know what you've heard, Joy, but you're mistaken.

Now, if you'll excuse us.

We have commitments elsewhere.

Did you see that? I think she's after a bit more than just his bus pass. KAT LAUGHS

Jean, who was you gassing with?

I'm sorry. I've got to go.

Where?

Jean, what's happened?

Jean!

KAT SIGHS

Oi, shall we get some chicken?

Yeah, when I've finished here, we can.

How do you stick this all day?

It's like, erm... Solving a big puzzle.

I love it, me.

When this one's popped out, I'm going to do a hairdressing course.

And how are you going to manage that with a baby?

I'll take her with me, won't...

Right, turn the engine on for me please, Lo.

Lo?

Oh, not on the car. Not on the car, Lo!

Ah!

-Eh...

-Mmm?

You'll never guess who Patrick's copped off with.

Only Cora Cross.

What, old Scary Mary with the hair?

That basically makes me half Branning. I could live with that.

-Hello, my love! Can I have a double brandy, please?

-Yeah, sure.

Any donations?

-Yeah, two quid from Winston, and a dodgy fiver from my Nan.

-What, and that's it?

-Why don't you go behind the bar and take the money out of their change?

-I might have to at this rate.

-Don't let me stop you. There's a table out the back to be set up for outside.

-Where are you going?

-Free Woo Woos for a year. Take what you want.

-Kat!

Well, that was a show and a half, weren't it, eh?

-BILLY COUGHS

-And what happened to Andrew, eh?

-Pie problems or something.

-OK, granted, it wasn't one of our better games, all right.

One of our better games? You leaving our best striker on the bench didn't help, did it, Alf?

Made us look like a right bunch of Muppets.

-They were meatheads.

-Yeah, I nicked three of them when I was in uniform.

-There were some dirty tackles,Derek.

-Yeah(!)

-Pansies, the lot of you. No offence, Syed.

-None taken.

-Eh, did I tell you all about my route?

-Ohh!

-Three times, man.

-And the Kiss? That's Olympic speak for the handover.

-Will you stop banging on about that flaming torch?

-Derek, let Billy have his moment.

-It's all right, Alfie. Just jealous, ain't he?

Be home soon enough. 57 minutes and counting.

-I'll tell you where it all went wrong, shall I?

-Go on, enlighten us.

-These two clowns over here.

-Oi!

-Hiding most of the game.

You was hiding at the back like a pair of girls.

No offence, Syed.

I make him right, to be fair, Jack.

Well, is it any wonder with him giving it the large from the touchline?

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-Lads, play nicely, OK?

If you didn't spend so much time chasing skirt

and a bit more time concentrating on the job, we wouldn't have been in that mess.

-Oi, what exactly is your problem?

-I just don't like seeing my little brother make a fool of himself.

At least I'm getting some action. Closest thing you've got to a bird lately

is rubbing up that Rose in the chippy place. THEY ALL LAUGH

-You can shut your noise for a start. There's plenty I could say about you.

-All right, calm down.

-Told Tanya lately, have you?

-Told her what?

-Shut up, yeah?

-All right, time out, lads, OK?

-He never played football as a kid, did he?

-No, he had a club foot.

-THEY LAUGH

-No! I didn't have a club foot, I had fallen arches.

No, no, no, you had special heels in the back of your shoes.

They were corrective shoes, and I only wore 'em for six months!

THEY SHOUT AND CHEER

ALARM RINGS, BRAKES SQUEAL

What have you done?

LOLA MOANS

OK, so there is two large fries. And six chicken wings. All right?

-Don't forget my ribs.

-Don't forget the ribs.

Oi... Have you seen Derek's car?

-Can you just give me my chicken, please!

-Yeah, yeah. Yep, yep, yep, OK.

-There you go, all right?

-Where you going?

-Pops' big day, innit? I've got to get a seat at the front.

SHE GASPS You all right?

Ohhh...

Ahhh!

It ain't supposed to happen yet!

What weren't supposed to happen yet?

I'm having a baby!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd