04/03/2014 EastEnders

What's it going to be?

Sorry, I don't even know what it is that I'm supposed to be looking at.

Carl's phone.

So?

So you killed him.

Just like you nearly killed that copper in Ibiza. You need help.

That might have been true once, all right, but it's not true any more.

You find yourself alone in a prison cell again,

four o'clock in the morning, and you ask yourself questions.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yes, Sharon. "Who am I?"

I mean, really - who am I?

No-one.

I can be whoever it is I want to be.

And do you know what a realisation like that makes me feel?

It makes me feel free.

-You're mad.

-Am I?

Well, I can do what I want right now, then, can't I?

Go on, then, Sharon, call the cops. I dare you.

Just like your father was mad.

What are you waiting for?

Go on, do your worst, see where it gets you!

DOOR OPENS

Amy wanted her bunny.

-Well?

-Well, what? >

-< What's stopping you?!

-You need to see a doctor.

< Notice how you're changing the subject here?

< How dare you speak to me like this in my own home!

-RONNIE:

-Well, we all know why you've come crawling back to Phil.

ARGUMENT CONTINUES FAINTLY IN NEXT ROOM

Phil, something's kicking off.

So, Rox, erm, I'm going to need you out of the house for a bit.

-What?!

-Things are going to be said, and you don't need to hear.

-What sort of things?

-Just things, all right? Now, don't argue, just...

-I'm going to sort it out, OK?

-No, cos Amy needs Bunny, so...

-I'll give Amy her bunny, all right?

-What... Phil!

-Just go! Go.

Why aren't you doing anything, Sharon? I mean, what's stopping you?

Is there a problem?

FRONT DOOR CLOSES

-Why did you pick up the phone?

-I dunno, Carol.

-You didn't have to.

For all Bianca knew, we could still be at the hospital.

Look, I just... I panicked, all right?

And now she's left thinking there's nothing to worry about.

So, dump me. No, seriously, dump me. I know you want to.

You pick up the phone, you see it's Bianca...

I know, I know. I'm an idiot, all right? I'm an idiot.

How's she going to react when she finds out the truth?

I thought I was protecting her.

Protecting yourself?

Look, a lousy situation's just got a whole load worse.

How are we going to fix it, eh?

Oh, I'm sorry for taking you for granted.

-Who are you talking to?

-My chesticles.

-Oh, ha-ha!

Do you know, I never realised how much I loved them until now.

Well, Martin'll be relieved.

Do you know what he used to call 'em when we first got together?

-What?

-Pinky and Perky.

-What?

-No, we're... We're just forgetting about Mum.

I mean, it's not over for her yet, is it?

No, but at least she can concentrate on herself

and she's not got to worry about us an' all.

Yeah, you're right. So would we be really bad children if we had a little drink?

-Let's have a look at what she's got here.

-What about this?

Oh, no, I can't have whisky, it's disgusting, it makes me sick.

What's this?!

Ugh! That must be some weird, horrible drink

that Pat brought back from Tenerife or something.

Know what I'm going to do? I am going to go and raid my never-ending

electric tin and get us a little bottle of something to celebrate.

-Lovely.

-What's so funny?

Ooh, mwah! Oh, I love you! I love you so much!

-When's dinner?

-Oh, Son, do me a favour -

stick the oven on and give him a plate of nuggets and chips?

I'll be ten minutes.

What's got into her?

We're just happy, that's all.

HE SIGHS

So I've virtually done a whole day baby-sitting and guess what,

-she didn't even pay me!

-That's not on, is it?

No. No, it ain't. I feel like chucking a brick through her window,

and I would if it weren't for her kids! And Carol.

Jay, what am I going to tell Pops?

You can't lend me a tenner, could you?

-HE SIGHS

-Oh!

-Oh, here y'are!

-Forget it!

Rox! When did you get back?

You all right?

How was Ibiza?

-Awful.

-Really? Why?

Too long, too complicated.

So you've come to have a little sulk on the swings, have you?

I remember doing that when I was a kid.

I'm not a kid.

Didn't say you was, did I?

Don't stop 'em, though, does it, hmm? Treating you like one.

Who?

Oh, Ronnie, Phil, everyone.

You know something, it don't matter how old you get,

you'll always be the baby of the family.

-And they will always let you know it.

-Stand up to them, then!

Easier said than done.

And it don't help being back in that house.

You got money, why don't you move out?

Cos that'd take, like, mortgages and solicitors and decisions.

And I REALLY can't face it.

Why not? Cos that's the sort of stuff grown-ups do?

Are we going to sit here all day, or are we going to sort this out?

Why don't you ask the rabbit?

I'm not having her living here, Phil.

Don't think I won't go to the police if I have to.

Sharon, no-one is going to go to the police.

-And you can keep your gift.

-Oh...

-I don't want it.

What, am I supposed to be offended, Sharon?

Give it to me.

-What?

-The phone.

-I don't think so.

-Just for safekeeping.

-And why should I trust you?

-You clearly don't.

-Or you wouldn't have tried that stunt of putting yourself in control of the new bar.

-What's that?

It's between me and Sharon.

Now give me the phone or you can kiss goodbye to your bar.

Take this upstairs and give it to Amy.

Me and Ronnie are going to have a little chat.

DOOR SLAMS SHUT

Don't think for one minute this means I'm on your side.

I have never, never understood what you saw in her.

For one thing, I like the fact she stands up to me.

Not a lot of women can do that. Which is why it ain't a good idea to wind her up.

-Because she can be a bit unpredictable.

-She's bluffing.

Maybe. And maybe not.

And that's the other reason I like about Sharon.

You never can tell. Which keeps you on your toes.

Phil, why have you still got the phone?

Dead bodies have a habit of turning up when you least want 'em to.

This one won't.

Call it insurance.

But you just said no-one's going to call the police.

No-one's going to call the police cos you're going to do what Sharon wants and move out.

What? No, I don't think so.

Listen, I'm just being practical, all right? It's the easiest way.

Easiest way for who? For you? Not for me.

My-My sister's here, my niece is here...

I've heard all about your holiday,

so don't try and play the family card on me, all right?

She still here?

-Just give me a couple of minutes.

-Is she leaving or isn't she?

-We're trying to sort it out, all right?!

-Fine.

Denny!

What are you doing?

He's not living here with her. You'll see me when you see me.

-Denny, put your toothbrush and your PJs in your school bag and come down now, please.

-Where are you going?

-None of your business.

-I'm talking her round. Give me a chance, will ya?

Like you said, Phil, I don't trust you. Denny!

Sharon, promise me you ain't going to do anything stupid. Please.

Depends what you mean by "stupid". Some people might call it sensible.

All right, Sharon?

Not really. Denny, I'm not going to ask you again!

Like I need this, eh?

What if she goes to the police?

Well, hopefully - hopefully - she'll calm down.

KNOCK ON DOOR

-What's the matter with Sharon?

-All right, Jay?

All right. Knew you was back, I just saw Roxy.

-Yeah. It's nice to see you.

-Yeah, and you.

Erm, look, we can talk about this later.

Erm, I've got to go, I've got an appointment.

Where are you going?

I've got to go and get the keys for the gym.

Yeah, well, we haven't finished our conversation, have we?

You can come with me. Jay, will you look after Amy?

-Yeah, course I will.

-Come on, then.

-Did you cheat?

-No!

-Did you copy it off the web?

-No.

This is really good. I don't know what to say.

You'll soon be as brainy as your old man, here.

Yeah, and as bald, most likely.

That's very good. Funny and clever.

My teacher said about A levels. Maybe even uni.

Seriously? Who'd have thought, eh?

-Thanks, Dad - had high hopes for me, did you(?)

-No, no...

I'm just really proud of you.

You know, my little lad, a scholar.

You know, your future's really bright. It's great.

What about that car, then, eh?

Don't push it.

Moped?

Tell you what I'll do, I'll cook us a nice steak and kidney pie for tea.

How about that? I can't wait to see Bianca's face when she sees this.

-And your mum's.

-Oh, Dad, don't, please. It's just one mark.

Let's wait and see.

But they'll be chuffed to bits.

All right, maybe Mum.

Oh, mate, I'm so made up for you. This is so good!

Ha!

And maybe next year we'll see about that moped, eh?

Ha-ha!

-TV:

-'Sharks can scent blood from a mile away...'

There you go. I packed your bags for you.

Get a move on, you might catch that last train.

I'm not going anywhere.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Yeah.

You all right?

Ian, look, I need to ask a favour. Can Denny stay at yours tonight?

What's happened?

Just say yes or no, eh?

It's not a good time at the moment...

Yeah, go on, Bobby's upstairs in his room.

I'll see you later, darling. Give us a kiss. Mwah! Bye, baby.

Yeah, I've got problems of my own at the moment.

-Cindy's gone and got herself pregnant.

-Ian, you're joking?

-No.

-Listen, we'll find somewhere else, it doesn't matter...

Sharon, it's fine, OK?

Come on - what's Phil done this time?

I just need someone to talk to.

Oh, well, probably not best to do it here.

-We'll go to the caff, grab a cuppa, yeah?

-OK.

-TV:

-'..Really dynamic hunters.'

Just got to pop out for a bit.

The boys are upstairs, if you could listen out for 'em?

-TV:

-'Yep, it may sound bonkers, but me and the crew...'

-PHONE BLEEPS

-'..are going overboard.'

-DOOR CLOSES

-'The only way to understand a shark...'

-Liam? 'Sup?

MUSIC BLARES IN BACKGROUND

-She wants to keep it?

-Yep.

It's just like having her mother back.

If I weren't such a nice bloke, I'd do something.

-Hello, darling.

-You all right?

-Yeah. You look happy.

Yeah, me mum got the all clear for the cancer gene thing.

-That's fantastic.

-So me and Sonia are going to have a little drink. Want to come?

-Got money for booze then, eh?

-Lola...

-What's that about?

-Oh, er, I was a bit out of order to her.

I'll sort it out with her later. Come on.

It should be me that tells 'em. It was my screw up, weren't it?

-Yeah, I know it was your screw up.

-So why not?

Because I'm their mother, I'm the one with the dodgy gene -

it has to come from me.

So what are you're going to say to 'em? Eh?

Sonia's going to be all right. Bianca's going to fall apart.

Come here.

Is this...where you say, "Am I forgiven?" Yeah?

No.

Well, maybe.

And like an idiot, I always do.

Max. Forgot to get back to him.

Oh! Like that time I caught you kissing Stephanie Dobson.

-Stephanie Dobson.

-Yeah.

-Do you know, that was nearly 40 years ago!

Yeah, in this caff.

Did you bring me back here for old times' sake?

-Humph!

-Yeah, well, I didn't think you and I were that serious.

-Not then.

-Well, I did!

Don't be silly. I was a teenager, weren't I?

Yeah, you're still a teenager.

Come on, we need to get this over with.

-Do you remember that magazine?

-What?

-The wedding magazine.

Yeah, I know what magazine.

-Well?

-You're unbelievable.

She only buys presents for everyone. All picked up at the airport.

It's not like any thought had gone into it.

-Do you know what she gets me?

-What?

-Crimson lipstick.

-Like that's ever going to buy me off.

-Buy you off?

Come on, Sharon, this is me you're talking to.

No, I'm not dragging you into it.

Not when you've got this Cindy business hanging over you.

Should've slung her out, shouldn't I?

Like Pauline and Arthur were going to do with Michelle that time?

-Yeah, but they didn't.

-Mm.

For the same reason you didn't sling her mother out.

Same reason I keep ending up back with Phil.

Come on, can't you even give me a hint of what it is?

Look, it's serious. That's all I'm saying.

All right, so how can I help?

I need to make a decision.

Do I go to the police or don't I?

Get your hands up, tuck your elbows in. That's better.

What does it feel like to break someone's nose, Phil?

You've done that, haven't you? Does it feel good?

Or do you feel bad about it afterwards?

I have done. Yeah.

Felt bad? Oh, I'm surprised. I thought you didn't do guilt.

HE SCOFFS

You clearly don't, do ya?

What's that phrase you always say - "Guilt's for wimps"?

So how comes you got the keys for this place today?

You've only been back five minutes.

I'm a cash buyer, aren't I? I can hit the ground running.

Made business sense for them to hand it over as soon as.

And a little bit of charm didn't go amiss either.

So what are you going to do with the place?

-Well, I'm going to make some money, hopefully.

-Ain't you got enough?

Ha! You're asking me that?

I would've thought, with all the money you got off Carl,

you'd be thinking about putting your feet up.

Who says I had anything off Carl?

How else did you get the money for this place, eh?

That was MY money, Ronnie. And you know it.

I'm, er...glad I kept this.

Not so much an insurance policy, more of a...credit guarantee.

Oh! Well, at least I know where we stand now.

Yeah, well, I never have liked people ripping me off. I... I do things.

Yeah, so do I.

Don't worry, Phil. You're going to get your money.

So why did you tell Sharon?

I didn't. She found the phone and started asking questions.

And then you told her?

HE SIGHS

She knows when I'm lying these days.

What makes you so sure she ain't going to spill the beans?

I ain't. Like I say, she can be unpredictable.

SHE SIGHS

Well, I guess I'll leave the worrying to you, shall I?

You know what I think?

What do you think, Phil?

I think this new you is just a big act.

How are your tummy muscles these days?

-I work out.

-Do you?

As to me putting on an act... I guess we'll have to wait and see.

I think we're done here, aren't we?

One of my biggest regrets with Ben is I didn't go to the police sooner.

Now, I don't know what Phil's done,

but if it's reached the stage where you're thinking about going to the police, then I say yes.

This isn't for the reasons you're thinking.

It's got nothing to do with me and Phil. It's about you.

You're a good friend.

I've got to get going. You coming?

No, not yet. Things to do.

So if it had gone the other way, how would you react?

-Fine.

-So it wouldn't be a problem?

Well, a situation like that is always going to be a problem, ain't it?

-So how can you say "fine" then?

-Because.

No "because" it would be a problem' - you just said it.

And you wonder why I don't trust you.

I thought you did trust me?

Not after saying things like that, Tel.

This is like boxing an octopus.

-Right, now they're both refusing to eat their nuggets.

-Right.

-Go on, then, give us a couple?

-Mmm, they're lovely.

I've had enough of this. Oi, you two, eat them nuggets.

-Skin, bone, cartilage, intestine...

-Yeah, right, whatever.

-You didn't mind when you didn't know, did you?

-Only now, we do.

-I'll have theirs.

-Hands off, please!

You don't eat them, you're having nothing.

-SONIA: Shall I throw these away?

-You shouldn't, because if you don't eat the nuggets...

See Timothy here? He is going to the great compost heap in the sky.

So, make your mind up time.

MARKET HUBBUB MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Ritchie.

Stop worrying. Everything's under control.

Are we done now?

What's wrong?

Nothing, I'm fine. Why shouldn't I be?

I don't think I can do this.

I'll handle Max. You wait here.

When I've done that, you and me can tell the kids together, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, OK.

-Are we still...?

-What?

Never mind.

-Well, sorry, but I haven't been able to get over there today.

-DOOR OPENS

Cos I've been stuck in the office with no cover. Hang on a minute.

-Where've you been?

-Put the phone down, mate.

-You knew I had to get over to Dagenham.

-Put it down.

-Why?

-You want to know where I've been?

I've been at the hospital with Carol.

Steve. Can I call you back, mate? All right, cheers.

I don't remember you asking if you could use that.

That's because I didn't ask.

What's the matter, you worried what I might come across?

Where've you been, anyway?

Giving Ronnie's gym the once over.

What are you doing?

-Well, I thought, if you can do it, I can too.

-Do what?

Play the property game.

-Thought I might put an offer in at number 27.

-Janine's old gaff?

-I prefer to think of it as Dad's old gaff.

-You can't.

-What do you mean, "I can't"?

-But that wasn't part of the plan. We were supposed to live together.

-"Plan"!

-Amy wants to watch a DVD down here, would that be all right?

I'm watching the footie later.

If Amy wants to watch a DVD, that's absolutely fine, Jay.

Problem?

-You are so dead!

-Come on, give me a chance, it's the first time I've played this one!

-No, you are going down.

-I'm going to get away, I'm going to get away!

-You're not.

-What?!

-Yes!

-You're actually pretty good for a girl.

-You want to go again?

DOOR OPENS

That'll be him. He's going to freak. Go.

TV BLARES

Who was that?

-Liam Butcher.

-What?

-Is he the father of the baby?

-No way!

Yeah, you would say that, wouldn't you?

Well, it's about as bad as it gets, really?

Well, not necessarily. But you'll have to have the test yourself.

It's funny, ain't it.

I'd sort of convinced myself it was all going to be all right.

Yeah, me too. It's called wishful thinking.

She'll probably have to lose the other breast.

And her ovaries as well.

-How's she taken it?

-You know what she's like.

More worried about other people than herself.

But that's her all over.

What do I say to Abi and Lauren?

You don't need to say anything yet, Max.

Not till you've had the test. And only then if it's positive.

Abi can't have the test till she's 18. Same for Oscar.

Jack's girl, Derek's kids...

Anyone on your mother's side.

Where is Carol? I'd like to see her.

Well, we ain't told the girls yet. So let her deal with that first...

Yeah, yeah. Course, yeah.

Are you going to be all right? Cos I've sort of left her in the car.

Yeah, course. Yeah, go on.

Who'd have thought it, eh?

All them years ago?

Branning boys running me out of town.

And here we are.

You still going to marry her?

That's all up for grabs at the moment, but...

Problem?

No, just... Just take care of her.

Course.

Just be straight with them.

I know that sounds funny, coming from me,

but it'll be easier in the long run.

Could've been a lot worse.

KNOCKING ON HOUSE DOOR

What?

Ian Beale's knocking on our front door. He picks his moments.

-KNOCKING CONTINUES

-Hang on...

Well, that wasn't so difficult, was it, eh?

-KNOCKING BECOMES LOUDER

-Timothy survives to live another day. All right!

Someone needs to empty the bin before she looks.

BANGING ON DOOR

Where is he?

Think you could just run away and I wouldn't realise, that it?

What is your problem? Do you think you can barge in here without asking?

-Ask him.

-What are you talking about, Ian?

Liam. He's got Cindy up the duff.

What's he doing in there?

I can't have a conversation with the girls if he's around.

-If he's not out in the next five minutes, I'm going to go in there and drag him out.

-Yeah.

Anyway, thanks for talking to Max. I really appreciate it.

No problem.

And...I found this, by the way.

It was in my bag all the time.

-You said you weren't interested.

-No, no, no, I'll hang on to it.

You never know, I might take a look at it one of these days.

-ANSWER MACHINE:

-'You have one new message.'

PHIL: 'I don't know where you are, but we'll never sort this out until you're back.

'I'm handling Ronnie, all right, but I have to do it my way.

'Now come home, please.'

All right, Jay, check this out.

"Great family home situated in a quiet square."

-How dull does that sound?

-Nothing about the blood stains in the kitchen, then?

-That's not funny, Jay.

-You're the one wants to move there.

I bet there's not a single house that old anywhere that hasn't

-had something...horrible happen in it.

-Certainly round here.

Why did you go and say that, Jay? I'm all worried now.

Tell you one thing - if word gets around,

these houses will be hard to sell.

If you kick up a fuss with the agent, you might get, like, 20 grand knocked off.

-I never thought of that.

-Michael's last gift from the grave.

Sorry, can we help you?

-No, it's all right.

-What do you think, Ron?

-Think about what?

-Roxy moving into number 27.

it's nothing to do with me, apparently.

Please, can you just shut up?! I'm trying to watch the telly!

What are you looking for, anyway?

-TV:

-'You'll be so jealous, he won't care...'

Looking for this?

-Give it to me, Phil.

-No way.

Amy wants seconds. Is there any left?

What's the problem now?

Ronnie's upset about you moving out, ain't you, Ron?

Oh, yeah? Nothing to do with Sharon?

Why do you say that?

Because I'm not as stupid as everyone thinks. Well?

What is the one thing all three of you have got in common?

Eh? Jack Branning. No wonder he did a runner.

-Phil?

-What?

-I don't want to bother you,

but there's a police car just pulled up outside.

DOORBELL RINGS