07/04/2014 EastEnders

Mum?

What you doing up?

A nightmare. A bad man.

It's not real. It's all in your head.

Do you want a cuddle?

Mum, it's the middle of the night.

Not worried about the smoke damage, are you? It'll be all right.

I'm worried about you.

Why didn't you tell us you were coming home, baby?

-Mum...

-Haven't even had a chance to buy you a proper bed.

No wonder you can't sleep. No hero's welcome this, is it?

-It's the school holidays, you doughnut.

-Oh...

It's not his fault, he's been up half the night.

Why'd you tell him that you'd entered him for The Hunger Games?

TIFF LAUGHS

It's not funny, Tiff. Are you not eating this?

-No, I'm not hungry.

-And what's with the face?

This about kissing lover boy, you know, whatshisface? Alan Carr?

-Shut up, will you!

-Don't talk to me like that.

I've got enough on my plate with this result thing tomorrow.

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Oi! Don't push me, man.

-Liam, shut up.

Sh. Your mum's supposed to be having a lie in.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Yes, I heard!

Hello. Blimey, what you come as? Reject from the Playboy mansion?

No, I'm the Easter Bunny, aren't I?

Oh very nice. Don't mind if I do have a little one. Out the way.

The whisky smuggled inside the shampoo bottles? Genius.

Best package ever. Who thought of sending that?

Had to have something to drink with your Christmas lunch, didn't ya?

Was rinsing out bottles for ages.

You've lost weight. I'll have to send out more food.

-Did I send out enough socks?

-I could open up a shop, Mum.

I just want you to be warm. Were you cold on the sofa?

You can move into Johnny's when the bed comes.

I was all right. Cheers.

Who's this dog that knocked you up then? He nice?

-He rung you afterwards?

-Hit and run.

Liberty. I'll stand by you, girl. Yes, I will.

When Mum said there was a surprise pregnancy, I thought

you'd got yourself caught out, Johnny.

THEY LAUGH

Go get your room ready, Johnny. Make space for Lee.

-Lee, did you kill anyone?

-Yeah, did you?

Bomb disposal's about saving lives.

My baby's only been back five minutes and saved this place.

-And him.

-Don't suppose anyone'll give me a light to celebrate?

-Dad!

-Unbelievable, that is! Unbelievable.

-No!

Food's burning. Thought I might as well join in.

-You ruined my lounge, my curtains...

-Shame your clothes made it.

Come on, Grandad. Already done my Fireman Sam act once.

I came home for a rest.

Make sure you do rest. How long you got off?

A while. Don't matter if they're a bit crispy, Mum.

You sure, baby?

-Lance corporal. Not baby.

-You'll always be my baby.

-Mum...

-Sorry, I just worry.

I'm bulletproof. That's me. Come here.

I'm back now.

I'm back.

A pillow tied to her head.

That's all I could manage in half an hour.

I mean, she could have told me last night.

-A pillow's not fancy dress!

-She is a hatching chicken.

-RONNIE SNIGGERS

-Can you bring our breakfasts over?

Yeah. That kid is going to be scarred for life.

She's got no idea how humiliated she's going to be.

Turning up at the Easter egg hunt not in fancy dress

What, because you're such a perfect parent?

So, you've got a whole day off. What're you going to do?

Well, I have no man, I have no job. I have no life!

Come on, then. What's the news?

I've got an offer for uni.

Really? Where?

Liverpool.

-It's very nice of you, all this, Bugs Bunny.

-Easter Bunny.

DAVID LAUGHS

I thought we could do one of those egg trail things.

Liam and TJ want to murder each other, not go on an Easter egg hunt.

No, for the girls and Morgan. Look, I'm just trying to help.

I've been driving all night. I thought I'd come round and babysit.

-Want a peppermint?

-Yeah.

You two have got to go to work. Carol could do with a break.

What I'm trying to say is, I'm all yours.

Well, I wouldn't mind going to see Sonia.

See that she's all right for tomorrow.

And I bought toys. One Direction posters for the girls.

No, no, no. We don't need charity in this house, Terry.

Come here.

Come here.

Didn't sleep last night, did you? I saw your light on.

Kept thinking about what you said at the opening...

I was drunk. It was a free bar, all right.

Look, I'm scared, too.

But whatever you've got to cope with, we do it together.

Really?

Yeah, you old lush. I'm here to look after you, aren't I?

He's gone past. You can let your stomach out now.

I don't fancy him.

Oh, yes, you do. You want to know what's under his overcoat.

-No, I don't.

-Yes, you do.

I've seen him in the gym. All sweaty and lycra-ed up.

-Ron, stop it.

-He's got bumps in all the right places.

-Shut up.

All right? We could be sisters, couldn't we?

Yeah.

Right, wish us luck.

Our business deal.

We've got our big pitch today to take on those properties.

The reason why I'm dressed like this.

Yeah, course. Yeah, right.

Right. On that note, shall we go?

Dad's giving us a lift. Don't worry.

I'll get him to drop us down the road

so no-one knows we're getting a lift from Daddy.

Yeah. OK. I'm just going to go to the toilet.

-We'll meet you outside, yeah?

-Yeah.

Why don't you ask him out?

He was all over you at your birthday.

I'm not desperate and I wouldn't know what to say.

You've just said it.

-Ronnie, what have you done? Give me that!

-No.

Give me the phone. RONNIE CHUCKLES

Give me... PHONE BEEPS

ROXY GASPS

Ron!

Hi. That's quite an offer.

Shall we say 1.30 in the Vic?

Look, Jay, I might not even get the right grades.

Yeah, but if you do, you're going to go, aren't you?

HE SIGHS

So come and tell me the goss then.

Are you all right?

Yeah, yeah...

No.

I, um... I need to tell you something.

Something delicate? You ain't been itching, have ya?

-Like a burning sensation?

-What? No.

You have done the deed though, haven't ya?

-Bruv. You live in a pub!

-Lee! Listen, just listen...

I mean, surely you can meet a nice bloke in here.

You know? Who told you?

Tom Daley. He wants your number.

No, I think I've always known.

And if you've come to ask to see if I've got a problem with it, I ain't.

And anyone who has, you send 'em to me.

Sorry, man. I just thought, you know, big army hero...

You think they're all straight in the army?

And you think that matters? We all sleep side by side.

The gays in Justin Bieber duvet sets, obviously...

-Shut up.

-Come here.

-No!

Nance? You heard the big news?

Still a virgin, ain't he? So ashamed.

THEY LAUGH

I swear you're too ugly to be gay. Call that a six pack?

Did you just call him ugly?

When you left I didn't clock you'd gone, you look so much like the dog.

Oh, talks now, does it?

So what's this I hear about the wedding of the century?

-Groom in a shell suit?

-Tracksuit.

You can tell a lot about a man from his tailoring.

An elasticated waist on a wedding suit? Really?

Yeah. So I'm the family joke.

Nah, I missed you. Both of you.

Tool!

This is nice, isn't it, eh?

Get downstairs and help your mother,

she's still panicking about Sharon's poncy wine bar. Not you.

They did teach you to clean in the army, didn't they?

Here's your new uniform. Let's sort this gaffe out.

Oi, oi, oi! Slow down, will you?

You asked me my advice and I'm giving it to you.

She's a nice enough girl but long-distance relationships never last.

She needs this. Got to think of her, haven't I?

I suppose she was thinking of you when she applied up there, was she?

Just remember, this is a two-way decision.

I don't want to fall out over something that might never happen.

But you want it to happen?

Not if you don't support me.

But, Jay, I need this course to be a vet.

Please don't ask me to say no.

Come here.

Don't you ever do that to me again.

Come on, what are you, Jane Austen?

Can't just go wafting around dropping hankies these days.

You've got to seize the man. Come on. It's only a drink.

Yeah, only a drink.

Look at the trouble only a drink has got me into in the past.

Although, although...

Oh, now she looks disapproving. Thought I was a modern girl?

You know, they don't always wait till date three.

She dribbled on Harry Styles.

-No, I didn't.

-What's wrong?

Tell her to kiss Zayn on her own poster!

-You shouting at my sister?

-No.

-Such a loser.

-Who do you think you are, calling me that in my own home?

-Where do you want me to say it, eh?

-Stop it! Stop it.

Just shut up. All of you.

Go over there, Liam. I leave you for two minutes...!

She started it.

Yeah, and I'm finishing it. Right you two, sit on the stairs.

Don't move from there.

And if you do I'll take every One Direction poster and I'll burn it.

-But...

-What?

-Enough! Whitney? Do us a favour, mate?

What?

These two move or even speak in the next 30 minutes, get a match ready.

-What?!

-Enough! Right.

Come on.

Where're you going?

Out!

Take it the DVDs were from you, then?

Been passing them round camp in a Top Gear box.

The boys were like, "Jeremy Clarkson's got a lot bendier."

Make sure you don't go blind.

And for crying out loud, don't thank me by e-mail.

Your mother reads them all.

That last e-mail you sent...

Didn't mention nothing about coming back.

Yeah, last minute.

Blinding boozer, this. You did all right.

Weird having us all together, though.

Haven't seen Aunt Shirl in years.

Yeah. Haven't seen your grandad in a while either, have you?

Big news about Johnny. Can't say I'm surprised, mind.

Can't have been easy for him, telling everyone.

I'm proud of him. Took real guts.

The wallpaper will be fine. Sorry.

HE CHUCKLES

Mum's choice, I take it?

He actually thought I'd be angry with him. My own son.

But I'd repaint. You can clean it but the smoke smell stays.

Why did you hit me, Lee?

9.90 please, darling.

Oi, Mary Poppins. You call this childminding?

Well, they're just shandies, aren't they?

And the half that's lager is still the half that's illegal,

kids their age.

I just thought, women's problems are men's problems,

so I'd treat them like men.

Give us one of my coffee brandies, please, Linda.

I'll be sitting over there. In that corner. Just...just there.

All right? Do you have a bottle of nice champagne on ice?

I've got it in a fridge.

Of course. No need for a fancy bar...which is overpriced.

What is that burnt smell?

The smell of the last customer who left without tipping.

See what Lee wants for lunch, would you? Champagne...

Right, come on then. Who's going to start?

Well, come on.

All right, Linda? Got some change when you're ready, please?

Champagne! I see someone's flush.

Kat, you were late opening up this morning, weren't you?

You've been late telling us what's going on with our market.

Still, you're doing all right. Drinking alone, though?

DOOR OPENS

Look, a decent pint

and a decent mate are the only two sure things in life.

Women, they're a law unto themselves.

Though I do love Bianca, obviously.

Well, at least I've got a decent pint, eh?

Come on. Just say sorry.

Because Cindy isn't interested in him?

-Because he liked her and you knew it.

-She isn't all that.

Look, you're not a kid no more, so man up and apologise.

Don't you think you're going to need decent mates like him

when that baby comes along?

You think being a dad's easy?

No.

I'm not interested in her. I didn't know you liked her that much.

Sorry.

She don't like me anyway, I suppose.

Don't like me, neither. Don't get girls, sometimes.

But sorry.

Sorry for you, more like.

Do you even know how to change a nappy?

Nah. Do you?

Someone had to help my mum over the years.

You know, I learned a thing or two. Could teach you, if you want?

I...I didn't know that it was you.

OK.

Honesty, that's good.

Thought someone was breaking in, it was just a shadow.

How long you been back?

-A week.

-You what? You've been back for a week?

-Nancy...

-And you haven't even called us?

-I'm sorry.

You realise that every day we're scared the phone's going to ring?

I'm sure he's got his reasons.

Well, what are they? And have you even told Mum?

I dunno what you expect me to say, Lee.

"Don't worry, I won't tell her."

No, do you know what, Lee, you can tell her yourself.

You can tell everyone.

So...your text?

OK, look, I can explain...

I intend to hold you to it. Written contract.

SHE LAUGHS Cheers.

-Mum, can you come upstairs, please?

-Yeah.

But it's not like we're splitting up, Jay. You're my boyfriend.

Boyfriend who can't afford the train and it's, what,

five hours on the coach.

It's fine, because I've thought of a way.

Really? Go on, then.

Well, it's me that needs the specialist training for my career,

but you, you haven't got that much to give up, have you?

-Sorry?

-Come with me.

Come with you? And where am I going to live?

What am I going to do for work?

You were the one that said, let's run away together. Let's do it.

HE SIGHS

He was at yours and you never said?

You sit here, eating my food, watching me

worrying myself sick about him and lie to me?

Don't blame him. I made him lie.

My nut was all over the place, Mum. I'm sorry. I really am.

Why, though? Something must have happened.

The boy goes through a lot in that job.

What are we to understand?

I understand, thank you. I'm his mum.

A whole week of your leave gone already?

Why didn't you want to come home to us?

Me? Is it me?

No. You know I love you. It was here.

A boozer full of strangers. Asking questions. That's all I needed.

I just wanted to sit down. Have a few beers. In peace.

So you didn't think about what we needed?

Don't hate me.

Hate you? Never! Oh, baby, we're your family, everything's fine.

Say you'll stay. We won't bombard you with questions.

Will we? Please stay.

I'm not leaving you, Mum.

Well, then this is over. Welcome home, son.

-Sorted.

-What, by giving them a drink?

I dobbed you in. Sorry.

Cos Bianca didn't have her first drink till you was 18, did you?

Very funny.

Where are the kids?

On the naughty step. Whit's got them, don't worry.

Oh, Miss Misery? That'll be nice for them.

Her moaning about her love life.

It's all right, I've got it under control.

Looks like it, Mr Bunny.

7.00. Dinner, cold wine, calm house.

Oh, you've got Mr Perfect well trained.

Seems too good to be true. You all right, darlin'?

We're hired! All the lettings on Walford Common.

We're the sole agents for the first week which will give us

-enough time to let the lot.

-Yeah, course it will.

-No, I'm proud of you. Both of you.

-You going to go tell your dad now?

Come back to mine later, then. We'll go through all the contracts.

-You don't mind, do you, Dad?

-Uh, no...

-See you later, ladies.

-See ya.

They grow up fast though, don't they, eh?

I meant in a business head sort of way.

Keep your hair on, Daddy. What do you take me for?

Right, keys in there. See you tomorrow.

All right, see you later.

Oh, sorry. Did I leave my phone?

What, in here?

Yeah.

Also, are you in tonight?

Because obviously we've got to go over the paperwork.

-With all the money you put in.

-It's all right, he's gone.

So did you book the hotel for tomorrow?

Yeah.

OK. Well, we can celebrate properly then.

Although...

DOOR LOCKS

..we could start celebrating now.

Tomorrow morning? 8.30, yeah? Thanks, Mum.

Dad's going to be well happy. See ya.

Did Lucy tell you? We did it. We got the flats.

Oh. You did it?

Yeah. She's really good, you know. The business meetings and stuff.

You should be proud of her.

So, tell me, have they got, like, beaches in Latvia?

Do you even know where Latvia is?

OK, well, then you'll have to take me one day.

Teach me some Latvian.

I'd rather you teach me some more of your English ways.

Hello, mate.

I caught you red-handed. It's not Easter yet, you know.

Terry said I could have one.

Because everyone went to the pub except me.

Well, they probably needed a man of the house here, didn't they?

Everyone all right? No-one killed anyone?

Rosie and Tiff are being weird. They're being nice to each other.

I can smell burning. Stay there.

FIRE ALARM BEEPS

Oi! Sleeping Beauty! The house is on fire!

Ah!

-All right?

-Yeah.

Except I can't get in my own house for her snogging

-some Lithuanian hippy on the doorstep.

-He's Latvian.

-Whatever.

So how was the date?

-It was OK.

-Shall I get some wine?

-You can tell me all about this "OK" date?

-Yes.

SHE LAUGHS HAPPILY Thank you.

You're welcome.

-DAVID:

-All right...

Do you want me to cook that for you?

Uh, I don't think so, Terry.

Think we've had enough fires round here recently.

I can't even do that, can I? Put something in the oven?

I can't even make one day nice for 'em.

All the women in this house are going through hell.

Look, mate, this is going to take me about an hour.

Why don't you get your head down upstairs. Yeah?

David, you know I'll do anything for Bianca, don't you?

Your family's my family.

Go on.

And don't think you can start calling me Dad

any time soon, all right?

I'm grateful my sister got the fairy tale.

You know, I would have asked her anyway.

Payment as promised. For one perfect date.

PHONE RINGS

Whit, your phone.

It's Johnny.

RINGING STOPS

Do you want to talk about it?

Here you go, son, get that down your scrag.

Mate, what they got you dressed as?

What?

Oi. Something isn't right, you know. Lee lying like that.

Leave it now, Nance. Everyone's happy.

Let everyone be happy, eh?

Bruv, come here, look at the state of you.

It was him who gave you the black eye?

You've forgiven him?

Course I have. He's never lied to us before, has he?

We've only got him till Easter. Still, our baby's home now.

That's all that matters.

Gorgeous.

He's gay, but he kissed you?

Was he leading you on?

Well, I kissed him. So it's my fault.

He should be flattered.

Just wants to be friends.

Like every other decent bloke.

Look, everyone worries about this.

You know, whether they're going to be loved or not.

Well, I'm hardly everyone, am I?

Don't you think I thought that when Nikki left me?

Thinking, is this it for the rest of my life? Single duvet?

Convinced myself I didn't need anyone.

Until I met Bianca.

And then I realised I needed it.

Love.

You don't see the way people look at me, Terry.

What makes you say that?

Oh.

This isn't about that Tony?

Don't let Mum catch you.

Or you.

Can't go on lying for ever.

I know.

So you still want to go through with it?

-Imagine if what happened to you happened to Tiff.

-Don't...

No, no, no, what I'm saying is, you'd still love her, wouldn't you?

-You wouldn't blame her?

-No. No.

This is what I'm saying. Look, Johnny can't love you.

That's down to him. That isn't down to you.

Do you see what I'm getting at?

Look, if Peter Stringfellow wheeled out 25 of his best operatives,

-that boy still wouldn't raise a smile.

-I know.

SHE LAUGHS

-So you're saying it's him, not me?

-Yeah.

And I'm saying it's hard enough looking

without picking the wrong ones to make it harder.

So, what's this, Team Terry all of a sudden, is it?

HE CHUCKLES

Look, darling, he's a berk,

but he is determined to look after you, I suppose. So...

What do you mean, what if I need looking after?

If the results aren't good tomorrow?

Don't be daft.

Come here. You'll be all right.

Go on, go and wake him up. Go on.

You'll find the right one.

Maybe. Or maybe I am just better off single.

Whit, if I was your old man I'd be so proud of you.

Of me?

Yes! You're brave. You're strong.

I just wish I had a way of giving you a bit more courage.

You've got to try again, Whit. Because you deserve to be loved.

Not all men are bad. Promise.

Come here, silly.

What're you doing?

Just having a chat.

-Get off her.

-What?

-Get off her!

Get off her! Just get out! Get out, Terry!

-Just get off her! Get out!

-What're you doing?!

-Get out! Get out!

-Hey?

What're you doing? I haven't done anything wrong.

I saw you. I saw you. You was all over her.

She's wrong. Don't listen to her. She's wrong!

-Is he a bad man?

-What is going on?

Can you please just tell him to leave?

-Just please tell him to leave.

-What's he done?

-I saw him. In Whitney's room.

-No! I'm not that kind of man.

-Dad?

TJ. Take Rosie home for me, mate. Please.

Look, B, I promise you, OK, nothing happened. You are completely wrong.

Maybe you made a mistake. What did you actually see?

No. No, Mum. Please. I saw him. I saw him.

Talking. I was talking.

He was helping me. He was helping me.

Bianca, what is this all about?

What, you don't trust me?

You don't trust me.

Just go.

Carol, I ain't done nothing wrong.

Just go, Terry.

I've done nothing.

DOOR CLOSES