21/04/2017 EastEnders

Why are you all in here?

Cos the kitchen's out of bounds.

Ooh! Er, Whit! Going to need a cloth over here.

That's my laptop!

It's all right. It ain't the stuff with bits in it.

My dissertation's on there.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, finally. He's out.

By the way, we're out of hot water.

You can't just come in here and nick all our water.

You should have said. You could've got in with me.

Yeah, hello. My laptop, anyone?

Stick it in rice.

-What that's going to do?

-Don't have a go at her.

-You're the one leaving your stuff everywhere.

-Me?! You're the one coming in, spilling it...

-Oi, oi, oi! What's all the shouting about?

-Nothing. How's Lady Di?

She's been up half the night.

I've just been rubbing her belly trying to keep her calm.

Does Mick know she's home?

Yeah. But that's all he knows.

He's got enough on his plate without all this.

Did you tell him I'm here?

Linda hired you. She can do the dirty work.

She's fast asleep on the bed.

I'm going down to meet the drayman.

-She's just...

-She's what?

-Well, she's scary.

-Scary?

You ever seen her lose her temper?

Cos it ain't a pretty sight, let me tell you.

Right, are we done?

I said to Kush I'd only be ten minutes.

Oh, yeah, yeah, don't mention it.

You know, I love spending me tea break lugging stuff about.

Well, what kind of welcome is that, eh?

We haven't even discussed house rules.

House rules?

I like to walk around naked.

Is that going to be a problem for you?

SHE SNIGGERS

Your face.

You're going to have to lighten up if we're going to live together.

Whatever.

Lauren, if you'd like to take a seat, please.

Could you, er, tell me something about you?

My name is Lauren Branning...

Let me stop you there.

It's her name, Ian. What's she supposed to say?

Ask me the same question, OK?

Tell me something about yourself.

Well, I started my first catering business at the age of 19,

before expanding into other markets.

Including Beales On Wheels. And that was a roaring success, wasn't it(?)

Lauren...tell me why I should give you this job.

Because I'm hard-working...

No, no, no... You have got to blow them out of the water, OK?

Because your CV just doesn't cut it.

-Ian!

-Well, it's dog eat dog out there -

she's got to fight for this job.

-Well, how would you answer it, then?

-Well, it's easy.

Because I'm the best.

See? Simple and effective.

Well, did I get the job, then, or what?

No, I'm afraid on this occasion, it's a no.

But we'd like to wish you well for the future.

What do you reckon, Shirl? Notice anything different?

No rubbish.

First time I think a politician's ever kept to their word.

How's Lady Di getting on?

How do you think?

Half a tonne of plaster fell on top of her.

Well, at least it weren't one of you lot under all that rubble.

What are you saying? Because she's a dog it's all right?

No, I never meant that.

I'm just saying, it could've been a lot worse, couldn't it?

You might think she's a slobbery mutt

but Mick thinks the world of that dog.

Keep your opinions to yourself in future.

I think I will.

Drayman's late again.

Yeah, well, maybe if you let me have the password to the account...

You know what? Don't start cos I'm not in the mood.

Billy dropped this off. It's the payment plan for the funeral.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Put it on top of the pile.

The brewery just called.

And what's their excuse this time?

Apparently the last payment we made bounced.

I don't flamin' believe this.

I've already checked the business account - we've hit our overdraft limit.

-What're we supposed to do without any beer?

-They said they won't supply us until we pay the bill.

Didn't you ask for credit?

Yeah, we've got a bad track record, apparently.

Maybe I should call Linda.

No, you won't. The last thing I need is her chewing my ear off.

-Well, then, what are we supposed to do?

-I'll sort it.

-How?

I don't know!

-Well, where're you going?

-To rob a bank.

What do you think?

Yeah, it looks nice.

Is that it?

I don't know, Lauren. It just looks like you're making

a bit too much effort - that's all.

Oh, great(!)

Babe, babe, wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

You look beautiful no matter what you're wearing.

Just don't go forgetting about me and Louie, all right?

Because I've got plans for you later on.

Right, I better go. Got to catch the Tube.

Can I get a kiss at least?

What've you got on later?

Judging by the state of their books, I should be at the Vic. Why?

Can you get Bex to the allotments after school?

I can try. What're you up to?

I just think it's time we got things sorted between the girls.

The allotments?

Bring some wellies.

-Wellies?

-Wellies.

PHONE RINGS

-You all right?

-Yeah...

Mum...

Erm, you do know we're down to our last crate of bottles, don't you?

-No.

-Don't panic. This should see us through to closing.

-What is it?

-I call it Woody's Pecker.

-They used to lap it up in Faliraki.

-What's in it?

Wouldn't you like to know?

What, and you think all them market boys are going to come in here

-at lunchtime and want a cocktail?

-He's trying his best, Whit.

Yeah, well, we ain't in Greece no more.

Well, did you manage to get through to Shirl?

Still going to voicemail.

Mick's going to be devastated if we have to have Lady Di put down.

All the more reason why we've got to try and flog these, then, innit?

Woody's right. It's cocktail hour, ladies and gents.

Who's up first?

Now, there's someone who knows the difference between

a Screwball and a Sex On The Beach.

I beg your pardon?

You remind me of a Carrie Bradshaw, Dot.

Well, I knew an Elsie Bradshaw.

She used to run the wool stall in the '80s.

What can we do for you, Mrs Branning?

Well, it's rather a delicate matter.

You see, I lent Sylvie a brooch before her untimely decease.

And I'd hate to lose it because it was given to me by my Auntie Gwen.

-The thing is...

-No, no, we haven't seen it, Dot.

But if we do, you'll be the first to know, yeah?

Right, come on, who's drinking?

Mrs Branning...

Yes?

You'll have to excuse Tina.

It's just we had a bit of bad news yesterday.

Oh.

The vet says Lady Di needs a serious operation.

And there's me bothering you about me brooch. I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, please. I promise you that if we find it

I'll bring it straight over.

Thank you, Johnny. You're a very good boy.

We cremated Sylvie in Dot's brooch, didn't we?

Don't look at me like that. I'm sorting it.

That's why I'm sat in this shed.

SHE SIGHS

I'm going home.

Just trust me, all right?

I wouldn't trust you as far as I could throw you.

I was starting to wonder if you were going to show up.

This one took a bit of persuading.

-Did you know about this?

-Of course I didn't.

Right. There are trowels here and seedlings to be planted.

-Oh, you've got to be joking.

-It's April.

If we don't get these leeks and turnips in now,

we'll have nothing for the summer.

Has she lost the plot?

You heard Michelle. Get digging.

Well, go on.

What's this?

We made it to scare the crows away.

Is that supposed to be me?

Cheek!

THEY LAUGH

PHONE CHIMES

Doing some last-minute cramming?

If you came into my office looking as hot as that,

I'd give you the job on the spot.

Well, if I'm looking for a job in photocopying, I know where to go.

So...I guess this means we'll be seeing a lot more of each other.

-I ain't got the job yet.

-It's in the bag. Trust me.

I wish I could believe that.

It's all about aiming high. Take me, for example.

I see something I want and I get it.

That easy, is it?

I can be very persuasive when I want to be.

Josh!

Good luck.

How can the vet say you're sick?

Look at the size of that belly.

And we all know why that is, don't we?

Mick, he spoils you.

I don't think I've ever seen you without

a bit of chicken in your gob.

But he'd rather go hungry than see you go without.

So now muggins here has to sort this whole thing out.

Because if Mick comes back and you're not here...

..he'd never forgive me.

-PHONE RINGS

-Finally.

'Miss Carter?'

Yeah, Shirley Carter.

'How can I help?'

Yeah, I was wondering if I could talk to somebody about getting

a short-term loan.

What do you mean, I've got a low credit rating?

Oh, stuff your poxy money!

-SHARON:

-There might be a fork in here.

(Sh-sh-sh-sh. Don't say a word.

(We're going to ride this one out, OK?)

-What you doing in there?

-Yoga. What do you think?

Well, shouldn't you be at the Vic?

Shouldn't you?

Family matter to sort out.

Oh, I can see that. What's this - Little House On The Prairie?

You... You couldn't give me Phil's number in Italy, could you?

Why?

I need a favour.

You can talk to me.

Nah. You're all right.

We need to have a chat about the Vic accounts later.

Charming!

Did you find us all right?

Yeah, I've actually been here before.

Oh, yes, that's right. Your father works for us, doesn't he?

Yeah. That's not going to be a problem, is it?

I don't see why it should.

I intend to treat you like I would any other candidate.

Oh, sorry.

Just relax. It's not a test.

I just want to find out what you have to offer us, that's all.

Well, I'm hard-working, enthusiastic...

Can I just stop you a moment?

Oh, sorry.

I'm just waiting for a colleague to join me.

And please... Stop apologising.

You know this wasn't my idea, don't you?

Whatever.

-There you go.

-How do you think it's going?

Well, they're talking, aren't they? That's gotta count for something.

Maybe we should leave them to it, eh?

Come on.

I just want things to go back to how they were, Bex.

Have you any idea how you've made me feel these past few months?

You're still my best friend.

I was.

Past tense.

-DOOR OPENS

-Here he is now.

Sorry I'm late.

The meeting about the development in Deptford ran over.

This is Lauren Branning.

She's here for the portfolio photographer's job.

Pleased to meet you.

Don't let me put you off.

I just like to be across all new appointments - that's all.

Is everything all right, Lauren?

Um...

Can I just get some water, please?

Yeah, I'll get it.

There you go.

Right. Lauren, Tell me a little about yourself.

Lauren. When you're ready.

Erm..

I'm probably not as qualified as your other applicants and I ain't

exactly got the best track record when it comes to jobs.

But a few years ago, me and my best friend, Lucy, we set up

a lettings agency from scratch

where I was in charge of the website design, as well as social media...

Pass me the trowel?

You had it last.

No, I gave it to you.

Oh, you know what? I'm sick of this.

LOUISE GASPS

BEX LAUGHS It's not funny.

I can't believe you just did that.

SHE SCREAMS

That's rank!

THEY LAUGH

I've missed this.

What?

Have you forgotten what you did to me?

-You made my life hell, Louise.

-It wasn't just me.

Oh, and that makes it all right, does it?

There must be something I can do to make things right again, Bex.

-Depends.

-On what?

On if you're still going to hang out with Alexandra and Madison.

Not if you don't want me to.

So, is that a "yes"?

It's a "maybe".

Lauren. Wait up.

You did really well.

-What was that for?

-You lied to me.

I didn't think you cared what I did.

Well, it doesn't matter now anyway cos I don't want your stupid job.

-Don't be like that.

-Get off me.

So you only liked me when you thought I worked on the photocopier - is that it?

I didn't care what job you had!

I just don't like liars.

You're a fine one to talk.

What's that supposed to mean?

You didn't think I'd find out who your dad was?

And what about the other week?

I've got to get back.

Why did you tell me you were at that club?

Because I was being friendly, wasn't I?

Admit it. You like me.

You love yourself so much, don't you?

Well, DO you?

You are nothing but a jumped-up little boy in a big man's suit.

You want to know what I think?

I think you're lying.

-Shirl...

-I'm just going to settle her upstairs.

Did Dot find you?

No. Why?

What's the matter now?

Mum was wearing Dot's brooch when we were cremated her.

-SHIRLEY SNIGGERS

-It's not funny!

Well, did you not think to check?

No, I just thought it looked pretty.

Did you sort the money?

We're heating up a pizza if you want to join us.

I'm going to get an early night, I think.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Anyone home?

Yeah, we're in here, Abs.

You ought to be careful, leaving the door open. Anyone could walk in.

Grandma's had to rush off to the shops

so I thought I'd hang out here.

Great choice of game, Abi.

Oh, sorry. I didn't even think.

Not you as well.

Has no-one round here got a sense of humour?

-I'm going to bed.

-Whose is this vodka?

-Oh, it's mine.

I bought it to celebrate breaking the contract

with my creep of a landlord.

I say we crack it open.

Yeah, I'd be up for that.

-Jay?

-Oh, let him go to bed. He'll only spoil our night.

Excuse me! This is my house. I'll stay if I want to.

I bet he's a lightweight.

ABI LAUGHS

Listen, I could drink you under the table, darling.

Oh, look at you! You're all skin and bone.

Go on, then. Pour me a shot, Benjamin.

Sounds like fighting talk to me.

How is she?

Snoring like an old woman. How has it been down here?

Woody made cocktails.

Is that right?

Go on. Check the till. See how well we've done.

TILL WHIRS

Carry on like that, maybe you can stick around.

Told you the girls can't resist my Pecker.

It's not the only bit of good news.

I just spoke to the brewery.

We paid off the outstanding balance!

And how did you do that?

I used what was left of my student loan.

-Johnny, I will pay you back every penny!

-I'm just happy to help.

-SHARON:

-Cavalry's arrived.

-Too little, too late.

Any chance of some service around here?

A large white wine for the one and only Miss Walford

and an orange juice for my lovely husband, please.

I'm glad you popped in. I wanted to ask you something.

Oh, OK, I'm all ears.

I need a loan.

How much we talking?

-Give or take?

-Mm.

-Six grand.

Six grand?! For what?

Lady Di. She needs an operation.

You could have two weeks all-inclusive in St Lucia

for less than that.

Are you going to give me the loan or not?

Nah. You're better off getting rid.

-There more trouble than they're worth.

-What did you say?

Look, I ain't got time for anything that can't use a toilet.

Right. Out.

You're barred.

-Shirley!

-Come again?

Erm... I think... I think we better go.

I didn't say I hated all dogs. Scooby-Doo - he's all right.

Snoop Dogg.

I have never... slept with someone outside.

Ooh, cheeky!

All right, all right, I've got one!

I have never walked in on my parents having sex.

You serious?

Yeah, I thought everyone had.

Not everyone has parents, Abi.

Your face!

All right, I have never...

..had a dirty dream about someone in this room.

So, come on. Who was it, then? Me or Jay?

Neither of you.

You're too easy to wind up, Abs. Who's for a top-up? Anyone?

I thought you were going to bed.

What, and miss out on all this? You're joking, aren't you?

Cheers!

So, er, do you fancy doing anything tomorrow?

I said I'd help my dad on the stall.

OK. Well, er...

how about Sunday?

It's going take a while for me to be able to trust you again, Louise.

Oi. I want a word with you. You know I got grounded, don't you?

-All cos she went crying to Mummy.

-I'm sorry.

-So, are you two friends again, yeah?

-No, no, no. We were just talking - that's all.

You are unbelievable.

Bex...

What're you worrying about her for? We're the victims here.

We've got to report to Mrs Lund every day thanks to you.

Still...we don't hold a grudge do we, Madison?

Nah, you're still our girl, right?

So, how about we head to Stratford?

I'm just going to go home.

Tomorrow, then?

I'll see you at school on Monday.

-That girl needs to check herself.

-Innit.

No-one disrespects us and gets away with it.

THUNDER RUMBLES, RAIN POURS

It must've been hard for you being in care.

No harder than it was for you losing your dad.

Yeah, but I wasn't on my own.

Neither was I. You had Billy. I had Claudette.

If we can survive that, we can survive anything.

I know what people say about me, Jay.

Yeah? What's that?

You know...

That I'm a mouthy one. Always looking for a fight.

But, you know, when you grow up with eight other kids

you have to shout to be heard

Right. You want to try being a Mitchell.

For years, I wondered why my mum never wanted me.

But now I think giving me away

was the best thing she could've ever done.

Learnt to fight my own battles, didn't I?

That is probably why some people think I'm scary.

Well, you, er... You heard me, then?

Maybe you should get to know people before you judge them.

Right, that's me. I'm done.

Donna...

You're all right, you know.

You ain't so bad yourself.

THUNDER RUMBLES

PHONE RINGS

SHE SIGHS

PHONE CHIMES

Shirley.

Shirley?

Oh.

Tina said you were out here.

Listen, Dot. If it's about that brooch...

No, no, I want to give you something.

It's for Lady Di.

Johnny told me that she weren't feeling too good.

So I thought that might cheer her up.

I don't know what to say.

Well, someone once said it's animals what make us human.

And I think there's some truth in that.

I know you'll do whatever you can for her.

I'm trying, Dot.

Yeah. And she's in my prayers.

She'd appreciate that.

Well, I'd better be off.

Bye, Shirley.

Bye, Dot.

LADY DI WHINES

What you doing? You know this is out of bounds.

Come here, darling. Come on, let me dry you off a bit.

I didn't think it was going to be THAT bad.

What're you doing up here?

I overheard your little argument with Kim.

Oh, what, and you've come to give me six grand?

It can be easily sorted out.

What you talking about?

Well, you can still sell the freehold on this place.

Mick wouldn't stand for that.

Well, Mick's not here, is he?

And by the looks of it, you need every penny.

I mean, think about it.

You could be doing Mick a right favour...

..if you sell.