28/04/2017 EastEnders

I'm telling you, Abi's ghosting me.

She hasn't replied to my last three texts!

-So?

-So she's bottled telling Dot.

Oh, well(!)

Yeah.

I guess I'll have to get Martin to move my TV back into my room.

I'll have a word with her as soon as I've posted this, all right?

-What's that?

-Plan B.

For when Jay inevitably fails.

Yeah, there's nothing here that says Fi has any power.

-She's just an advisor.

-She can't do nothing?

-She can cause trouble.

-What, with me here?

So, hang on,

you just popped into his room and asked him to go to the shop?

I need painkillers, all right?

With all your clothes in your hands!?

This got anything to do with you going AWOL last night,

or not being in your bed this morning?

-Shut up, all right?

-I've got a minging hangover.

Oh, you dirty stop-out!

You don't know the half of it.

Hang on, Woody went missing last night as well.

Ugh! KNOCK AT DOOR

I just want to get a Coke and go back up to bed, all right?

You didn't. Woody?!

Bring it down, all right? My head's killing me.

Hi, there.

Sorry I'm in so early, lots to do.

I hope you're going to pay for that.

Does anyone else want to have a go at me today?

I guess not. Shirley, I've been going over the books.

We have things to discuss. Shall we go upstairs?

Yeah, let's do it in private. Don't want you clowns involved.

What you so giddy about?

-I thought I was playing it cool.

-Fail.

I got the date for the last interview through. Next Wednesday.

Doesn't give you very long to prepare, does it?

Oh, thanks for the vote of confidence(!)

It's just a bit quick, that's all.

I'm sure Dad will talk me through it.

Think he's finally coming round to the idea of us being colleagues.

PHONE CHIMES

Morning, Josh. Have you got a second?

I just heard from Lauren, and she tells me she's down to the last two.

Yeah, should be a formality. Not sure about the other fella.

Yeah, well, don't give her the job, mate.

I've had a think about it, and it's not a good idea.

She really wants it though, don't she?

Yeah, but she don't know what's best for her.

Honestly, give it to the other geezer.

Good lad.

-Oh, morning, Abi.

-Hiya.

Er, Grandma, there's something that I need to tell you.

Oh, what's that?

What are you doing with a load of board games?

Well, I was thinking, I ain't seen much of you lately,

what with your busy social calendar.

I've only been at Donna's.

Well, you might as well move in, you're there so much.

What about those board games?

Well, like I was saying, I thought we might play a couple tonight,

and I could make a lovely stew to go with them.

-Mm?

-Yeah, that would be nice.

How about a couple of boiled eggs for breakfast?

With soldiers, with the crusts cut off, just like you like them.

Yeah, all right.

Sorry. Only had one teabag.

-Morning.

-Hiya.

I'd avoid me for a couple of hours, if I were you.

Well, Fi already text me and asked me to sit in, so...

You got his number fast.

As bar manager, he needs to hear this.

So, as I was saying, I've been through the books.

One thing sticks out immediately, but it's an easy fix.

I'm all ears.

You've got too many staff. Two too many, to be exact.

So, you're saying by sacking staff, that's an easy fix?

Well, in business terms.

It's not as difficult as getting more customers in,

although that does need to happen, too.

Can I take a look?

Well, I think I've got just about the right amount of staff.

Normally, for a pub of this size, you'd need three staff max

at peak hours, but the rota...

I'm fine.

Listen, Grafton have certain expectations about your profits,

because they affect your turnover rent.

Is there anything else?

It's as bold as brass, Shirl, you can't ignore it.

No, but I can ignore HER.

Shirley, you may still own the business, but they own the

building now. You need to keep them on side.

I'm not sure running The Vic out of Sharon's front room's going to

have the same appeal to our regulars, Shirl.

Oh, hello, Jay, come on in. She's in the back.

Thanks, Dot.

Ooh, egg and soldiers! Ain't had them for ages.

Shouldn't you be at work?

Well, I went to the post office for Billy,

and I thought I'd come offer my removal services.

But judging on your radio silence and Dot's good mood,

I'm guessing you haven't told her.

Well, what do you care? You don't even want me there, anyway.

Well, I've warmed to the idea.

You ain't having second thoughts, are you?

No. It's just we're having a board game marathon tonight, so...

Abi, just tell her.

That's easy for you to say, Jay. You not the one deserting her.

Well, it's not the first time Dot's lost a housemate.

PHONE RINGS

He's got this Spidey-Sense,

just telling him when I'm bunking off, I swear.

Look, you can't live with Dot forever. You ain't a kid any more.

All right, Bill?

Yeah, well, the queue was huge, mate. What do you want me to do?

-Why do it, though!?

-Why do you even care?

Look, you know what he did to me!

Guys, not while Fi's here. Wages.

Oh, "did to you". Oh, come on, Johnny, grow up.

It weren't that bad! And, as for me, I had a great time, thank you!

-Part-time lesbian.

-What did you just call me?!

Pub's full and you're not even open yet.

-I'll be back later, to see what you've decided.

-OK.

What was said?

Over you lot arguing, not much.

Sharon, what you doing here? You're not due in till tonight.

I've just come in for my wages.

I swear that you lot are trying to make this really difficult.

I take it she didn't have good news, then?

That's for Shirley to say, not me.

Who's even in charge of this pub now?

You sounded pretty serious on the phone.

There he is. Hello, mate, you all right?

Dad! You sounded serious on the phone.

Oh, yeah, no, all it was, was the geezer that you're up against

is the director's son-in-law. It's a stitch-up.

What?!

So they were going to call me in for an interview for no reason?

Well, HR have just got to go through all the motions.

Sorry, Lauren.

Great(!)

I just didn't want them to string you along

for another couple of weeks.

Thank you for telling me.

Anyway, stuff their interview.

You'll be all right, Lauren. You'll find something else.

I'll help you.

What would I do without you, Dad?

Right, I'd better get back.

Sorry.

-See you later.

-See you.

PHONE CHIMES

-Dad.

-Mm.

-You got any plans later?

Why can't you just tell us what she said?

We should be open.

Well, you should stop taking advantage of drunk Carters,

but that ain't happened either yet, has it?

-Whit, what you doing?

-It's gone 11.

Just give it five minutes, yeah? I'm not in the mood.

We should tell them.

-Why would we want to do that?

-Because it's well moody in here.

-It ain't going to bring the punters in, is it?

-Oh, what, and

telling them they're going to be sacked is going to help, is it?

Well, there's no need, because I'm not taking her advice.

Oh, yeah, yeah, the bury your head in the sand approach.

That's the key to success, that is(!)

You know what? Fi wanted you in in that meeting, but I didn't.

Forget what you heard, and get on with your work.

Well, I would, but that might mean opening up!

Cheers.

I found this in the caff!

Well, that's good, that's exactly where I left it.

It's an advert for a new housemate.

Do you think that last bit's all right? "No psychos, no politicians"?

Donna, we had an agreement!

The thing I didn't say is, as well as wanting to live with you,

we need money, fast.

We've got to rent out the room.

Right, OK, but don't give away the room, please.

I'll tell Grandma tonight, honestly.

Before or after the board game marathon?

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-It's open.

-All right?

-Hi.

I came to apologise for earlier.

Oh, don't worry.

I blew my wages on a new pair of shoes.

I take it Fi was the cause of your mood?

She said that I've got to sack two employees.

Tell her where to go!

And if I don't, Grafton can chuck us out of the building.

No, she's just trying to squeeze every penny she can out the place.

No, she's right. The books don't lie.

So, who's it going to be?

Whit, Johnny, or you?

Well, if you have to sack someone, it shouldn't be one of us.

What do you want?

Reassurance.

Johnny reckons that I took advantage of you.

I mean, I know you're gay and that, but

how actually drunk were you?

You didn't take advantage of me. I was just desperate.

That's a relief.

Fine with people using me as a last resort.

I was just feeling guilty about Mum, I needed someone.

So why can't you look at me today, then?

Cos it's embarrassing!

You know what?

Maybe I shouldn't have come here. I had a bad feeling about it.

-Well, why did you, then?

-Linda asked me to.

I suppose she didn't think I'd alienate the whole family

in one day.

It ain't you.

Everyone is just worn out.

It's been too hard for too long.

I'd go, if it weren't my family.

Well, you think I should walk?

I mean, it would actually help the bottom line.

Maybe, if you're unhappy.

Look, I think it's sweet that you want to help Linda,

but at the end of the day, she's the one that should be here

-taking the flack, not you.

-Yeah.

And then if you can get in touch with MG properties...

Max. HR just e-mailed me saying they've filled the position.

Yeah. Mark Taylor. I've just got them to call him.

Mate, I'm flattered you think so much of my daughter,

but Mark's got more experience, and he's better suited.

-Yeah, but Lauren's...

-Look, Lauren's had a really tough time of it

the last couple of years, all right?

She don't need a stressful job. She's needs looking after.

See you.

Oh, what?

What's all this?

Well, your dad text about the job, so....

I got rid of everyone.

Dad was a bit annoyed, but he's fine.

I wanted to make you feel special.

Because you are.

No matter what Weyland think.

That was delicious.

Oh, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Yeah, you've gone to so much trouble.

Well, since Arthur left, I ain't had no-one to go to trouble for,

have I? I tell you what, Abi, you go in the front room and set out

the board, and I'll make us a nice cup of tea.

Yeah, nice.

Donna, I'm sorry, but I can't move out. I can't do it to my grandma.

Give the room to someone else.

To the best thing that ever happened to me.

Steven!

It's true.

You not hungry?

Erm, no, I... I don't know. I just...

I just feel really disappointed.

Look, Lauren, I got the place to ourselves,

I made you roast lamb to remind you of New Zealand,

I burnt my thumbs lighting about a million candles.

I know, and I appreciate it.

Then why do I feel like you don't?

Cos I haven't shown you how much I do appreciate all this, maybe?

We should tell Dot ourselves.

We can't do that.

What, so Abi's just going to live there forever,

because she's too chicken to say anything?

It's not our place, Don.

She just needs a little push, and if you want to watch

the Grand Prix this weekend, you'll help.

Come on.

She wants you to sack two of us?!

Yeah, well, don't worry, it's all in hand.

-This should be good.

-Mm.

Ooh, five.

One, two, three, four, five...

Oh, no, I've got to go down!

Oh! Oh, that's unfortunate.

Perhaps you'd better have another turn.

KNOCK AT DOOR

No, I'll answer it. Go on, have another turn.

Maybe you should teach me bridge after all, Grandma.

Oh, hello! Oh, come on in, come in.

We've got visitors.

Are you stopping? You know, will you be playing?

What are you doing here?

We couldn't miss out on the fun, could we, boys?

(Sorry.)

Surely you've got some wild night out planned?

Well, we were going to stay in with our new flatmate,

but then she didn't show, so we thought we'd come round to see

if she'd changed her mind.

What's she talking about? Abi?

That's the second time today

someone's been busted walking out of that room.

Shouldn't we do this in private?

No need. They know.

You see, the way I see it is that we don't need to sack two people,

we just need to sack one, the newest.

Woody!?

He's the manager, he costs the most, and his wages will cover two people.

Ah, just in time to stop a mutiny.

Mutiny?

Yeah, they saying you're the one who should be going.

It's not personal, you were the last one in.

But on a personal level, you are also a total disaster.

-Thanks(!)

-Anything to say about that, Woody?

Well, I packed my bags, so I guess I think they must be right.

I mean, it can't be Johnny or Whit, they're young,

good looking, full of chat.

And Shirley keeps the punters at bay when they get all rowdy,

and Abi's cheap as chips, so...

But Grafton Hill want you here.

Yeah, but as they said, I'm new and pricey

and, as Johnny pointed out, deeply unpopular.

So that's it? You've just packed your bags, and off you go?

Don't try and talk him out of it!

Are you really happy for me to go?

-Really happy.

-You? Sharon?

Well, not that it's my decision, but it seems the best option, yeah.

I ain't going anywhere, then.

Sorry? You lost me.

I'm the only one who's willing to put this business first.

Congratulations, you little martyr!

Do you know what? Believe me, I would love to go.

I don't need to be waking up every single morning getting

treated like muck, but I told Linda I would look after her pub.

Well, I hardly think, out of all of us family and close friends,

you're the one looking out for Linda.

No? I don't see you offering to go.

In fact, you don't even need this job.

It's just like an extension of your social life.

What do you actually bring to the business?

As far as I'm concerned, you're first out.

You haven't got the authority.

Well, that leaves Tracey and Abi, and as I said, Abi's cheap as chips.

You're not going to sack Tracey?

She's an institution. Who do you think you are?

I'm the manager of this place.

Who's going to tell her, Shirl? You or me?

I did think about it, but why move when I'm so happy here?

Well, you've got board games. And a cat.

I decided against it. Honestly. Tell her.

It's true, she turned us down.

Yeah, she told us this evening.

I've lived with you long enough to know when your telling a porky.

I'm not telling porkies!

Some months ago, you lived in a family home with your

father, and your mother, your sister Lauren, and Oscar.

And then everything fell apart.

What's that got to do with it?

Well, then you came and stayed with me and Dave,

and you felt safe, stable.

And it's hard to give that up, when you've lost so much already,

but you can't stay somewhere just because you feel safe.

You'll never get anywhere that way.

-BEN:

-This true, Abi?

-No.

Well, maybe.

-Well, you should have said.

-Well, it's embarrassing.

No, it ain't, it's natural.

I've been after a decent home my whole life.

Yeah, we all get that one, Abs. Right bunch of misfits.

Yeah, but my grandma loves having me here.

They didn't even want me.

All right, fair enough, we weren't that juiced at the idea at first,

but we've got used to it, ain't we, Jay?

Yeah, when Donna threatened to take the TV back, I really came on board.

-Jay!

-He's teasing.

-DOT:

-Sounds as if you've a nice little family in the making.

You have my blessing.

Really, you do.

I think you should go.

Oh!

What?

I don't know what that's doing in there.

I know. Shall I go and put on that outfit you got?

Yeah, OK!

It was really kind of you to make it easy for her like that.

Yes, well, just you make sure you look after her,

because she ain't as tough as she makes out.

Blimey, is that everything?

-Nowhere near.

-Is our place even big enough?

Oh, stop moaning. You can put it on my chair in a minute.

This is all happening really quickly.

Well, sometimes that's for the best.

You'll be with your friends, be able to spread your wings.

I'll never forget living with you, though, Grandma.

Honestly, it's the happiest I've been since Mum left.

Oh, go on with you.

You know Dave, he won't be pleased with me if we miss the news.

-Off you go!

-OK.

Bye, Dave.

We'll miss her, won't we, Dave?

Never mind, we've got each other.

Here I am!

Hello?

What?! Steven!

-Sorry, I was just...

-Letting me in.

I'm Josh, by the way.

Er, Steven. Lauren's boyfriend.

Very, er...

Very gothic in here.

Actually, mate, you've got a real cheek,

showing up here at all hours, after the way you've treated her.

Steven!

Sorry, I've just come from a meeting round the corner.

I thought you'd want to know as soon as we decided.

Soon as what was decided?

If you want it, you've got a job with Weyland.

What? No, Dad said that I didn't get it.

You were a bit under-qualified for that one,

but we were so impressed with your photography skills,

we had to find you something.

-Like what?

-Creative Team Assistant.

Are you serious?!

BABY CRIES

One of yours?

Yeah.

-Steven, could you...?

-Yeah. Yeah, of course.

I'm so proud of you, baby.

A boyfriend and a kid?

Anything else I should know about?

Prior convictions? Royal blood?

Thank you for the job.

I don't really know what to say.

I'm looking forward to working with you. Seeing you every day.

Careful, you're my boss now. That could be seen as harassment.

It could be, if you didn't like it.

He's just gone straight back to sleep.

I'll leave you to it, then, before your wicks run dry.

Good to meet you, Steven.

LAUREN SQUEALS

-Guess you're happy, then?

-Yes! Aren't you?!

Yeah. Course I am.

Now, where were we?

I am so sorry, but I have got to call my dad.

Well, how long's that going to take?

Oh, not as long as the conversation with my mum's going to be.

Steven, you've got a one-track mind!

Max!

All right?

So, what's so important that we had to meet here?

I wanted to share the happy news.

I just gave Lauren a job.

Er, well, there ain't no job, is there?

-Cos Taylor got it.

-Yeah, that was a crafty move.

No matter, I just made up a new one.

Sorry, what's, er...? What's going on?

You've done well with The Vic, Max. Don't ruin it now.

Listen, I didn't want Lauren to get the job.

I let it slide today, but don't ever tell me what to do again.

I get it.

I'm younger than you, and you're not comfortable with that,

but I am your boss.

Remember that.

There's a good lad.

PHONE RINGS

Linda left me in charge. Do you know why?

Because we're best mates.

Anyway, this is a family business, and your name ain't Carter.

You might be manager of this pub, but it's my name above the door.

So, call Mick, explain it all.

Oh, course, you might have to tell him what you did with his business.

Are you threatening us?

See, you lot all only think that I'm here for women and having a laugh.

Er, yeah, kind of.

But I ain't the one who bankrupted myself and had to sell up.

Now, it's not a threat, cos I won't call Mick.

That would destroy the one thing I'm actually here trying to save.

-How very noble of you(!)

-Sounds like a coup to me.

Until Linda tells me otherwise, I am running this pub.

You cannot sack someone that's been here longer than us.

Tracey's worked here for 30 years.

Well, any of you want to take her place?

Johnny, you want to ring your dad and tell him about the freehold?

No. Right, then.

Whitney said you want to see me.

Yeah, Trace, please.

Look, we've got to let you go.

Now, it's my decision, not theirs,

but we just can't afford to keep you, no matter how good you are.

Now, here's a little something to tide you over with, all right?

There's a little something extra.

But I love this job.

And I thought Fi was bad.

You'd better know what you're doing,

cos one mistake, no matter how small, they will eat you alive.