01/06/2017 EastEnders

Oh, that's very kind of you, but I couldn't face a three course dinner.

My stomach's shrunk.

Just some scrambled egg with some toast, that'll be lovely. Thank you.

It's a really unpleasant bug this, Jane. Just ask Steven.

24 hours now, I've been getting intimately acquainted with the

-inside of a toilet bowl.

-Yes, thank you, Ian(!)

We're all well aware of your recent event.

That's not for you.

I wish you'd listen. Romantic dinner?

What?

-We're going out. Get a bit of fresh air.

-Love, I'm still in my jammies.

Well, you'd better take them off then,

or you'll show Louie up in the indoor play area.

Oh, please, no. Not the indoor play area.

Half an hour and then we'll pop to the restaurant and talk

through the offer on the chippy. Again.

A few goes up and down the slide. All goes towards your 10,000 steps.

Kim?

Kim, who died?

Her doorbell stopped working?

-It's a quiet day for gossip over on Bridge Street then?

-Dire.

When are you coming over?

-Dinner's here.

-The price is too high, mate.

-All right?

-You know where the plates are, yeah?

What am I? Dial a pizza?

-You all right, kids?

-And risk is part of your MO.

Well, you know, I ain't got the time to stop, babe. You know.

Busy-busy life.

I've got a toddler to look after. Massive house.

Pearl is very advanced.

She already knows how to get out of her cot and turn on the iPad.

Yeah.

Have you any idea what it's like to have someone just throw themselves,

literally, on the floor when you give them an apple with the skin on?

Is Pearl still in a cot at her age?

And that's the reason why I cannot be expected to take the

responsibility of the world.

Did Denise really faint?

Hey.

Turn over a new leaf, we said.

We've got to do this business plan.

Come on, Mick.

Sorry.

Look, you don't have to apologise. We're all right, ain't we?

Yeah, we got the punters back in the Vic.

It's like you've had your right arm chopped off cos you ain't got

some bird bossing you about.

Well, consider me that bird.

We've got a landlord now.

And they've recommended Fi as our consultant.

We can't fail, not now things are turning round.

Suck it up, Mick! Or we'll lose the pub after all this hassle.

All right.

All right.

OK, OK, OK.

Here, let me have a try.

Need more thyme in your jus.

We need to go and pick up Louie.

What are you thinking with that stock to wine ratio?

If we don't go in five minutes to pick up Louie,

I'm going to fall out of this wheelchair. On purpose.

And then I'm going to make you carry me to the car and then I'm

going to make you go into the under threes area and have your

face painted again.

-Steven has got it all under control, haven't you?

-Yeah.

Go on, have fun.

MUSIC STARTS

TIMER TICKS

-How comes you lot ain't dressed yet?

-It's a PJ day.

Can you maybe sit down, please?

You have to wear them all day, even if you want to go to the park.

You can go to the park when Charlie's gone.

Listen, if you eat any of this, right, you get ice cream.

What do you mean? Where's Charlie going?

-In the bin.

-School.

What's that mean?

Dad's got to teach him a lesson.

All right, done.

Yeah, I'll bell you tomorrow with the time and place, yeah? Cheers.

Right. Dinner.

Nice?

What? You're not meant to be back yet. You're in Canary Wharf.

What do you mean, "meant"?

Ah, just, um, you know, like, tube's busy with tourists, isn't it?

Half term.

Yeah, I'm still not feeling right.

Oh, by the way, I got a lift. Why ain't you at work? Where's Louie?

I told you, babe, OK?

These bugs, you need to leave them a clear 24 hours.

-Get a proper meal inside you.

-Steven.

-You know, have a lie down.

-Listen, um...

-Is it parking permits here?

Hey.

Josh dropped me home.

-Right.

-Managed to get a gap the other side of the Square.

Babe, that's not for me, is it? Cos the last thing I want is dinner.

You going to put some clothes on?

Well, I wasn't expecting visitors, Lauren.

Oh, yeah... Hey, no... Um, my bad, just dropping in like this.

Do you know what? I don't have to check out the animation now.

-Show me when you're over this bug, yeah?

-It's not a bug.

Just not feeling right, you know?

But you're here now anyway, aren't you?

So I would like to get the boss' opinion.

OK?

Sure.

OK.

-Yes.

-Ten minutes and she's all yours, yeah?

-Do you want a drink?

-Yeah. I'd love one. Thank you.

-I just can't believe it.

-Two teas.

-Thanks.

Thanks.

Under my nose. Denise was starving, literally.

You hear about these things,

but you always think they'll happen somewhere else.

Why didn't she tell you she was having such a hard time?

I don't know.

I know we've been a bit, well...not talking,

but I'd have still helped out.

All I know is that whatever choices that she makes, I'm not included.

Pride. It's her pride, Kim.

Embarrassment. She's given up so much to better her life.

Oh, do you think that's why she ditched Kush?

What's better about being out of work and hungry?

I mean, I like her how she was.

Yeah. I miss one breakfast, I get a headache.

And there wasn't much of her in the first place. I mean, poor thing.

She must have felt so rotten.

You know, they make it that hard to claim benefits.

It's not just the scroungers they punish.

-She must have been so lonely.

-Denise is good at keeping secrets.

I don't know...

I just want to help her, you know?

Yeah.

You're not going to get anywhere with that attitude.

Denise is not a woman you can look after.

She looks after you.

-If you want to press play.

-Yeah.

And they'll sort of just pop up as and when you're speaking.

Oh, this is great, Lauren.

-I think that could be bigger.

-No, no. That's perfect...

Right, so, dinner.

-Babe, I'm really not hungry.

-Lauren, you need to eat.

Right? Doesn't she need to eat, Josh?

Yes, exactly. In fact, why don't you stay too?

Oh... I'm sure Lauren gets enough of me all day.

I don't want to intrude.

-Yeah, I'm sure he's got a lot better things to do.

-No, no, no.

Honestly, it's no intrusion, buddy. It's no intrusion at all.

After all, I get Lauren to myself all night, every night, don't I?

Yeah, come on, babe. It's the least we can do.

Thank your boss for driving you all the way back here.

Crusted rack of lamb, right,

with a red wine jus and chargrilled carrots.

I insist, Josh. Do you cook?

Er, no.

-No, not really.

-No, no.

Well, it's an art. Isn't it?

What with all the timing involved and the creativity.

Well, it makes sitting behind a desk all day seem like

a walk in the park.

Josh don't sit behind a desk all day.

No, no, course he doesn't.

Course. Right, excellent.

Well, you set another place then.

And Josh, come and have a look, check it out.

And tell me, are you more of a pinot noir man or

a Chateauneuf-du-Pape when it comes to lamb, Josh?

Tell me, what exactly is it that you do?

Well, um...

TANNOY: '..Suspended due to an incident at Whitechapel.

'London Transport apologises...'

Sorry, sweetheart. Can we squeeze in there?

-Do you want to sit down?

-No, I'll be all right.

Excuse me, mate.

You couldn't jump up so my wife could sit down, could you?

I wouldn't normally ask.

It's just, you know, they call them priority for a reason.

-And she's pregnant.

-Oh, shush!

Oh, thank you. You're a gentleman. Good lad.

You ARE pregnant!

-What, you crazy?

-Charlie's not having Matthew, end of.

-Jack, listen to me, all right?

The police find out about this, they ain't going to just charge you with assault tomorrow.

-They're going to lock you up and throw away the key.

-Well, if they charge me, they're going to charge

me with ABH. ABH means I go down, Max.

And yes, that's just how Charlie set it up.

What are you talking about - Charlie set it up? What? You didn't hit him hard enough, so he beat himself up?!

-Is that what you're trying to say to me, mate? Cos that's certifiable!

-The only way I can guarantee Charlie

-don't get residence is if Charlie's out of the picture, all right?

-You know what's going to happen,

don't you? All three of your kids are going to end up in care.

Charlie's a coward!

All right? It worked before.

-And I am not, Max... I will not give up on my boy without a fight!

-Listen to me, Jack, all right?

Sometimes, fighting don't make any difference.

You can kick, you can scream, you can cry. No-one cares.

Cos the odds are still going to be stacked how they're stacked.

Jack, look, I know you want things to be different,

but you ain't got a choice.

You've got to go through the system.

How much is this little warning going to cost you?

Where are you going to get the money from?

Six months ago, you tried to pack him off to Glenda.

-I mean, have you got something against him?

-What are you talking about? Of course I ain't

got something against him. What's the matter with you? You ain't thinking straight, are you?

Max, I can't watch my family get split apart.

What's this geezer going to do?

Is he going to break Charlie's legs or something?

What's that going to achieve? Long term, it's not going to stop

him coming back, is it? You'll have to kill him.

What, are you serious?

What, you want to pay someone to kill Charlie Cotton?

I've got a date.

Bex, I have got an actual, like, proper date with Travis.

Cos I thought he was going to ask at Drama, and then he never, and then he texted and then he did.

And then I texted and I just kind of said yes.

-Are you sure it was him that actually texted?

-Yes!

And tomorrow only gives me 24 hours to get ready,

if I don't eat or sleep.

Look, Louise, I've got to revise. I've got History.

Bex!

I miss you, all right?

You want to borrow my contour kit.

Maybe.

I knew it! I knew it!

And I need you.

OK? I trust you.

You're really good at eyeliner.

-Alex and Mads finally ditched you?

-No.

Just you and me... More like family, aren't we?

-Right.

-You are such a babe.

-Oh, you're a creep!

-They were nice, the team, weren't they?

-Yeah, yeah.

What?

I have to, Martin.

You ain't just doing this for me, are you?

-I knew that's how you took it.

-No, but you heard the mental midwife.

-Mental health midwife!

-Mental health midwife.

Now is the cut off date for an early medical abortion.

-Martin!

-No, but we told them we'd talk about it, Stace.

And there's 50% chance that your psychosis could come back.

Yeah, and if we're worried,

I can go and stay in a mother and baby unit from 30 weeks.

There's also a 50% chance that I might be completely fine.

Yeah.

And yeah, I am doing it for you.

And I'm doing it for me.

And I'm doing it for our little family.

We know all this, Martin.

-We've discussed it and researched it like proper grown ups, haven't we?

-Yeah.

And we've agreed.

Haven't we?

Right. As long as I'm with you, I'll be all right.

I can't wait to have our scan next week.

I can finally stop keeping it a secret and I won't have to

suck my belly in any more.

Hello!

-All right?

-What are the chances?

Can you believe it? How did it go?

-Good.

-Oh, good.

How hot is it in here? They've had me on holiday essentials all day.

-My feet are killing me.

-Oh, sit down.

-No, no.

-Go on, I'll get up.

-No, I'm fine. Michelle, sit down.

Thank you.

Blimey!

Oh, dear! The weight of the woman!

What have we got, twins in there?

And so, I had to say to her, I'm really sorry,

I'm very flattered, but I'm spoken for.

I mean, these days, I'm as good as a married man.

But that's one of the hazards of being the public face of

a restaurant.

The things some people will say for a free burger, eh?

-Well, we don't just do burgers, do we?

-No, I know.

-So...

-Erm, yeah.

Amazing food, cheers.

Oh, no, no. Come on.

-Don't rush the man away.

-Steven!

-He's hardly got a word in edgeways.

Josh, tell me about yourself. Right, come on. Is there a lucky lady?

Or are you a bit more of a player?

Ah, he's a bit more of a player, isn't he? I can tell.

BACK DOOR OPENS

Lauren! Why don't you ever check your texts?

I need your help with something.

Oh, um...

Hello.

-Argh!

-Vincent!

Yeah, throw that away as well(!)

-Mm-hm.

-Vincent?

I've sussed it.

Yay.

Mum's back, just in time to miss round one.

Yeah, you want to get changed for pudding? We're going to...

Well, I'm going to try and hose down this kitchen.

-I know how to help Denise.

-Mummy!

-Pardon?

-Look!

-You've got the answer to everything, ain't you?

-No.

No, I just know what it's like serving time for murder.

And I know killing someone ain't the answer.

Go on, you tell me, Jack.

How's it going to go, waiting for the police to track you down? What are you going to do?

Spend all of their childhoods jumping every time the doorbell goes?

-Or Matthew - what's going to happen when he wants to chase his dad?

-I am his dad!

Or when the kids find out what you've done, trying to protect them?

You... The truth's going to find you, mate. It's going to catch you.

What happened to you in prison?

I'm just telling you how it is, that's all.

Cos this ain't about you, Jack, or your grief, or the family that you and Ronnie thought you were

going to have together, all right? Cos that's done, mate! She's gone!

This is about Matthew and what he's entitled to.

It's not fair, is it?

It's not fair, Max.

Mate, you got to call this geezer off.

All right? You ain't got any other choice.

You got to go through the system, all right?

Cos whichever way you look at it, you ain't Matthew's biological dad.

'Charlie Cotton is.'

-Top up?

-No, that's more than enough. Much obliged.

And you have done a smashing job on that front room too, Joyce.

-I'm not sure about that. Half a cup of tea?!

-Oh, go on.

I'll have that one.

Nice little caff though, Ted.

It is, it is, yeah.

And it's open. Did I tell you? They've shut Chris' down.

-You did.

-Shame.

Not got the trade though, you see? The whole block's nearly empty.

Apart from the squatters. Not one of them speaking English.

Have the neighbours from hell moved out yet?

That is one thing I will be glad to miss.

That family nearly killed me.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

-But I have put a bid in on another one bed, Ted.

-Oh.

-Only ten minutes from Stewart's.

-Ooh.

I don't know if I'll be lucky, but well, just keep my fingers crossed.

Well, it's nice to be near family.

I bet Stewart's crossing his fingers and all.

He said to me, "Whatever makes you happy, Mum."

And I said, "I ain't going to be, Stewart."

I mean, it's a big wrench, losing my view at my age.

It's like moving from a bird's nest into a little rabbit warren,

isn't it, Joan?

Yeah. You have done wonders with that sewing machine.

It's like we've always said, good pair of lined curtains,

and a nice bedspread, makes anywhere a home.

Well, we have been very lucky.

Ooh, that's me. Or I'll miss the number 15.

-See you Wednesday.

-See you Wednesday.

-Ta-ra, love.

-Cheerio.

-Moanie Joanie.

-You are not nice.

-Did she pay for her teacake?

Did she, knickers! Never forks out, that one!

-Stop complaining.

-This time of night, Joyce, we should be out, we should be over the pub.

Here you are.

Don't want Joanie's germs.

-Ta.

-Waste not, want not.

-Very nice.

-Lovely.

Finally.

-Are you all right?

-Oh, um...

Here.

Here, it's clean.

-Oh, thank you.

-You want to pinch your bridge.

-You feeling ill?

-No, I'm just too pregnant to do my trousers up.

Bless you.

Well, 21's a special birthday.

It's important to mark it in a way that works for you.

I hear spa days are good.

River cruise.

A friend of my sister's did this all day gin tasting thing in some

-place in Covent Garden.

-Oh. See? Exactly. That is precisely my point.

And that, Josh, is what my housemates will never understand.

That boring is a narrow mind and a lack of imagination.

Boring is getting hammered on discount cider and an alcopop.

-Abi...

-But not everyone has your intelligence and wisdom and

well, actually, it's just class, Josh.

-Feel a bit sick now.

-JANE:

-We're back!

Thank you for a lovely evening.

Why don't you go and have a lie down, babe?

Yeah, I should probably go home and all.

Oh, erm, I could walk you?

-Oh, no, it's OK. I only...

-OK.

OK, if you're going outside anyway.

I also have some organic ethnically sourced coffee beans,

if you're a coffee drinker, Josh. Are you?

I mean, my housemates prefer instant,

but I put my name on the packet. Treated myself to a label maker.

Transformed the milk in the fridge situation!

Feel better.

Don't worry about her.

Oh, sorry we're back early.

Um, Ian pulled a hamstring in the ball pit.

I thought it was just you two for dinner.

It was Lauren's boss. Well, if Abi has her wicked way,

then I'm sure we could be hearing wedding bells very soon.

-Don't be stupid, Steven.

-IAN: Jane, don't just sit there.

Come and give us a hand with Louie's trainers.

-I am going to bin those crutches.

-I'll go.

Why don't you go and slip into something

a bit more comfortable, yeah?

Steven.

Cheese?!

Do not tell your father there is cheese in here. You will break him.

You'll have to stick it in some hummus pots,

-hide it behind the diet yoghurts.

-OK, yeah.

-KNOCK AT DOOR STEVEN:

-You OK?

Babe?

Yeah...

Yeah.

TOILET FLUSHES