20/11/2017 EastEnders

-SHE SCREAMS

-Put me down!

Oh! Why did you do...?!

-What are you doing? You frightened me!

-Yeah, well, I thought I'd give you a heart attack,

-then I'd give you mouth-to-mouth!

-What are you doing here?

-I'm on leave, ain't I? How are you?

-Oh, I'm fine. Don't do that.

-Good to see you.

-Yeah.

-Cor-getti.

-Courgetti!

It's all the rage. It's very healthy, very modern.

-Well, what's the matter with pasta? Even you can't mess that up.

-I'm making the effort here.

Me and Mick, we never get to eat together any more, just the two of us.

-What's that smell? Ooh! Mary Berry!

-I'm doing spag bol.

-With "courgetti".

-You what?

-It's very modern, apparently.

-Mm.

-Er, Mum?

-What?

Nothing, just, um...was wondering

if maybe you'd like to keep your eye on the bar for us this evening.

-Mm, does that mean you're giving me my job back?

-Yes, it does.

Sparkling water under the bridge.

-Does anyone know who that bloke is on the Square?

-What's he look like?

-Small little geezer, muggy little face.

-Oh, Ian Beale?

-No, no.

-Some muppet that looks like he knows Whitney.

-I swear I recognise him.

Sorry, darling. Ain't got a clue who you're talking about.

-Oh! Courgetti! Nice!

-Ah, thank you!

Finally, someone with a little bit of class round here!

-Yeah, come on, you. Come and help me with this delivery.

-Save me some.

-I've been thinking.

-Oh, yeah? Hurt, did it?

Why did you let Whitney come back and stay here?

Well, she's paying rent, ain't she? We need the money.

Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer,

-is that what it's like?

-COMEDY ACCENT:

-Courgetti!

You leave my "courgetti" alone!

Did he go down for his afternoon nap?

Yeah. Yeah, I'll be home to put him to bed.

Sorry, yeah. Er,

I'm still here.

Where did you disappear to this morning?

-Nowhere, just following up on a lead for a job.

-Good lad.

-You home for tea?

-No, I'm at a mate's tonight.

You sure? We're having pizza. Extra garlic and herb dip.

They do a big one now and all.

Benefits have come through, have they?

Mum, why don't you buy a frozen pizza from the shop?

-It'll be half the price!

-They don't do the dip!

Right, I'm late for picking up the boys.

-MOBILE RING

-If you change your mind about tea...

CONTINUES RINGING

-So, how long you on leave for?

-Couple of days.

Have you seen Lee?

Yeah, yeah, I was with him last week.

We went right out on the lash in Dover. Had a three-day hangover.

-It was brutal, Whit.

-So, he's all right then, yeah?

-Yeah, you know Lee.

Oh, he told me about the divorce proceedings going ahead and all that.

-Finally happening, is it?

-Yeah, looks like it.

I got the official letter through this morning.

-I've, um... I've got to get this over to my mate's house.

-Oh, yeah?

-What is it?

-It's a babygro.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

-All right, I'll come with you.

-What?

Yeah, babies love me.

-Seriously, I'll come.

-OK.

-THEY CHUCKLE

OK.

-How many glasses?

-Just a straw, please.

A couple of glasses. I'm waiting on Kush.

-Date night.

-Ooh!

Whit? Where are you?

Can you give me a call when you get this?

They reckon the negotiations could go on and on.

-Who knows where we'd end up.

-Oh, Ted, I don't care about Brexit.

-I just care about the fact we might be in prison by the end of the week.

-Oh, here we go again.

It's not, "Here we go again." I've never been there.

-You? You're acting as though you're a seasoned criminal.

-Ha.

-Thank you.

Sorry, don't mind me. I'm just waiting on my fella.

It's your court hearing in a couple of days, isn't it?

Yes, it is. Thank you.

Sorry.

It must be a worry.

Denise, why don't you join us while you're waiting?

Oh. Well, that's very kind of you, thank you.

Cheers.

Keanu, you ain't listening to me. I just left the after school club.

They weren't there! That's what I'm telling you!

The woman reckons some bloke picked them up.

I don't know who! They let my kids go off with a stranger!

Yeah, they were saying they thought it was their uncle.

Yeah, I'm heading home now.

Hey, Lauren.

-What's wrong?

-You know that development in W5 we're launching next week?

The invites were meant to go out yesterday, but they weren't done.

-And...?

-And there's over 500 of them that need to go out tonight.

-No. No, I'm sorry, but I can't.

-Come on. Please? We can do it together, many hands and all that.

-Just get one of the temps to do it.

-No, I need to know that they've gone out.

Right, so you're going to sit there, stuffing envelopes all night, are you?

I'll throw in a takeaway.

Come on.

Chatham? Riley?

-Hello, darling.

-Kids, go to your room.

-Aw, we're playing.

-I said go.

-Now!

-It's so unfair.

-Come on.

Good boys.

How did you get into my flat?

What do you want?

Well, let's start with what I'm owed.

Shall we?

-When were you there?

-Couple of years ago. With some mates.

Seriously, it's heaven on earth!

-The clubs are...

-There we are.

-Thanks, Mum.

-That looks lovely. Cheers.

-Oh, enjoy.

-You couldn't get us some ketchup, could you, Kathy?

-Yeah, of course.

-Thanks. You're a star.

-Nice, isn't it?

-Mm.

-I'll stuff, you seal.

-Mm-hm.

Shall we not just ask Megan to come and help us?

No, no. We'll manage.

At least we don't have to lick the envelopes.

-What?

-No, no, nothing. It's um...

No, it's just the thought of you licking an envelope like that...

It's kind of sexy.

OK(!)

So you think licking envelopes is sexy?

-Very niche, but...

-All right, come on, let's crack on with it.

If that's your thing!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hello, Joshy!

Imogen.

What are you doing here?

Sorry. Who are you?

700 quid?!

Karen, sweetheart, we had a deal.

You didn't pay and now you owe interest.

What interest? You never said anything about interest.

-I never signed anything.

-I'll be back later, yeah?

-And I want my money.

-This is bang out of order, this is.

You could always report me to the relevant authorities.

-Nice couple of nippers you've got here.

-You leave them out of it!

They've got special needs.

Yeah...

I thought there was something a bit funny about them.

-Mum? I'm starving.

-What's to eat?

Who are you?

He's... He's a mate of mine. This is, er, Lloyd.

Nice to meet you, fella.

Listen, I best be off.

-See you later, yeah?

-Yeah.

It's fine.

Go and put the kettle on.

# All that she wants is another baby

# Mm-mm-mm

# All that she wants is another baby.. #

-FRONT DOOR SHUTS

-Kim!

Oh, here he is.

Take a seat, my lover.

MASTERCHEF VOICE: I have been slaving away,

preparing a MasterChef classic with onion gravy on the side.

It is, the one, the only, toad in the hole!

Now, cooking doesn't get much tougher than this!

Yeah, I can't. I've got to get back down to the bar.

I've just put a toad in the hole for you.

Yeah, the new girl called in sick again.

I'm going to have to get rid of her.

Um, have you seen the spare keys to the store room?

-I thought we was going to stay in and everything.

-I don't have a choice, do I?

Well, how long are you going to be? Cos I've got something I want to talk to you about.

I'm going to be late. Listen, save me some. That looks really nice.

Well, that didn't go according to plan, did it?

And it was the first time that Martin changed her.

-It actually squirted in his face?

-That is disgusting, that is!

I think a little bit actually did go in his mouth.

KNOCK AT DOOR

How cute is she?

Yeah, face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.

You can't say that!

What are you doing here?

I've been trying to call you.

I mean, I was worried. I thought something might have happened.

Oh, sorry.

Woody, this is Moose. Moose, Woody.

Yeah. Lee's mate, right? I remember. How you doing?

-Yeah, you all right?

-Yeah, sweet.

Right. Well, say goodbye. We'd better be going, yeah?

OK.

I'm ready.

-So, when did you get back?

-A couple of weeks ago.

Good, was it, Thailand?

Yeah, it was.

Until Josh called and said we were over.

I'm joking!

Oh, look at his little face.

We're better off as mates, aren't we?

-Yeah.

-Have you been travelling. Laura?

-It's Lauren.

-You know, it'll do you the world of good.

I hadn't had a break since uni.

Went straight to GDL, LPC, training contract...

I'm a lawyer.

Oh, sorry. I didn't ask what you did here.

-Um...

-Lauren's across all our projects.

Logistical support, mainly.

-Cool. And where did you go to uni?

-Imogen.

What? I'm just asking.

-MOBILE RINGS

-Answer it.

Yeah, I'd better. He'll be going down now.

Sorry.

She's got a kid?

Yeah? And what?

The great unwashed, eh?

-Don't be mean.

-I'm not. I'm just saying.

You look good.

Thanks.

Yeah...

This is the part where you say - you look good, too.

Well, you do. You, er... You look well.

Hot yoga.

-Sorry about that.

-Everything all right?

-Yeah, Louie just wanted to say good night.

-Oh, that's sweet!

Right, I've got to nip to the loo.

Play nice.

So... What's your husband's name?

I, um... I'm not married.

Oh, sorry.

It's just, with the baby and all...

Louie.

-He's two, actually.

-Right.

So, are you and Josh together, then?

-Me and Josh?

-Mm.

No, we just work together, that's all.

Oh, that makes more sense.

Well, you've got a kid.

-What's that got to do with anything?

-Well, Josh hates kids.

He won't have anything to do with them.

Or anyone that's got one, for that matter.

Oh, would you like some?

You completely showed me up, rushing me out of there like that.

-No, I didn't.

-I'm not a 1950s housewife, Woody.

Ooh, there they are.

Mr and Mrs Courgetti! How was it then?

Do you know what, Mother? Really lovely bit of munch. Healthy.

Aw, Gwyneth Paltrow, eat your heart out!

That good, was it?

Moose! What's wrong? Has something happened to Lee?

-No, no. Lee's sound.

-What are you doing here, boy?

-Have you seen him? Lee?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was with him last week, he's fine.

I'm just on my leave, thought I'd swing by.

-So, Lee's all right then?

-L, L, first things first.

Give the boy a light ale. Go on. Pull the old pump.

Mum, get out the way.

-What are you doing with that?

-It's not working.

I think the fuse has gone in the plug.

I'm going to take it to that electric shop on the high street.

-Can you get me some chocolate, or something?

-Oh, yeah.

-Get me something and all.

-No, you're having pizza later.

No, that's cool.

OK. I'll get a taxi now.

See you later.

That was Izzy.

You know, Izzy and Harry. They're having drinks in Soho.

-They asked if you wanted to join.

-Er, no. No, I'm good.

-I'd better finish up.

-Laura can do that, can't she?

-Lauren.

-Whatever.

Joshy, text me later when you're done.

-Nice to meet you.

-Yeah, you too.

"Joshy!

"Harry! Izzy!"

I know. She drives me nuts.

-In a good way?

-No, definitely not in a good way.

-I just wanted her to leave.

-Why?

Cos there's something I've been wanting to do all evening.

What?

Let's just, um, get all this done, yeah?

That was embarrassing.

-Joe the goat?!

-He actually looked after the goat?!

-That is his job.

-He looks after the regiment's goat.

-Nah, nah.

-You're having a bubble, you, ain't you?

-Mick, I swear to you, they've got a goat.

-Not the goat that they trot out before the rugby matches?

-That's it. That's the one.

-Me, Lee, and the boys, right, we've gone to visit like some football match thing.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And when we get there, we find out this goat has got its own

-house round the back of the barracks.

-What?

No, hold up a minute. The goat's got his own little gaff, has he?

-No way!

-Go on, go on. What did you do?

-We might have got him drunk.

-No! You got a goat drunk?

-In fact, we got him bladdered.

-That's horrible.

That ain't even the worst bit.

A month later, we get a phone call, this goat now won't leave its house.

The thing's traumatised. We nearly got court martialled for it.

-Poor goat!

-I know, I know.

What's so funny?

-Him.

-You're a bad man, Moose. You're a very bad man.

-Come on, you!

-Off his nut, him! Off his nut.

So, how long you two been together, then?

-A while now. We're engaged.

-Yeah?

Yeah, as soon as her divorce comes through, we're getting married.

-Really?

-Mm.

-Well, congratulations then.

-Cheers, mate.

-Thank you.

And another person who wrote a really good book in prison was Nelson Mandela.

-Ah, The Long Road To Freedom.

-Long Walk To Freedom.

Yeah, that's the one.

Hey, I could come out of the nick a best seller!

-Yeah.

-Do you know what?

There was someone else who wrote their autobiography in prison.

Hitler!

This is not a joke, love.

-All right. Yeah, I'm on my way. I'm leaving now.

-MOUTHS

I'm sorry, I've got to run. I've got to go to site,

some issue about security passes for the night delivery.

-I'll come with you.

-No, no, no.

It's boring stuff. I'll text you later, yeah?

Yeah.

You know you don't have to worry about me, don't you?

No, I know I don't.

-We're talking about going Mykonos next year.

-Oh, very fancy.

-That'll be lovely.

-He's not like his dad.

Now keep that. See you.

You do know she's completely in love with you still, don't you?

-Do you think you'd ever get back together?

-No. No way.

She kept going on about having kids and buying a place, settling down.

What's so bad about that?

Mortgage, marriage, maternity. Terrifying.

Nah, she wanted to move at 100mph.

-And you...?

-I've got this place.

My career.

And you.

Me?

What?

Nothing.

You're still thinking about what I said about licking envelopes, aren't you?

A little bit, yeah.

You know it's a good stag, don't you, when you can't remember it?

-Lee had a good time, didn't he?

-What was that fella's name?

-You know, the one who nicked the Jack-the-Ripper behind the boozer.

-Oh, Beanbag.

-That's the one.

What? I always thought Beanbag was a nice boy.

Aw, his wife and baby, they all right?

-Good, as far as I know, yeah.

-Yeah, yeah. Johnny, get me some more tonic, and you, come with me.

Come on.

-Get us another pint, would you, Whit?

-I think you've had enough.

Oh! How come you ain't told Woody the divorce papers have come through?

Moose!

Will you keep your voice down?

I told you, I only got that letter this morning.

Fair point. Seriously, I am going to need another pint though.

What do I want to buy that for? My kids have already left home.

Oi, what's your game?

Here, Mick, don't fancy buying this, do you? 30 quid?

-You can't sell that moody gear in here.

-Why not?

It's a boozer. It ain't Swap Shop.

Do you remember that? Swap Shop? I used to love that.

-Who was that one on it? Noel Chegwin.

-Keith Chegwin.

-Yeah, that one.

-So, what do you say, then?

-30 quid?

-I'm going to have to ask you to leave, my little darling.

You're driving everyone mad.

Go on.

I can't believe I spent my night stuffing envelopes. Associate director,

-that's what it says on my door.

-Yeah, well, you could have asked one of the temps, couldn't you?

-Yeah.

Yeah, course I could. But then I wouldn't have been able to spend the evening with you.

Right, I'm going to chuck these in the post.

I could bring back some chocolate, some salty snacks,

-non-alcoholic wine.

-Yeah, OK, why not?

Listen, um, I thought maybe we could do something this weekend.

-Me, you, and Louie.

-Yeah. Yeah, course, sounds great.

Well, he's never been to London Zoo.

He would love it. He's got this thing for giraffes.

Or maybe we could do something, just me and you, you know?

Yeah, OK.

Cool, if that's what you want to do.

Right, well, I'll get my people to get in touch with your people

and we'll put a date in the diary.

All right, I'll be right back.

-All sorted?

-I tried.

Please! My kids are here.

Mum? Who is it?

No-one.

Got your cash card on you?

Then we're going for a little walk, ain't we?

Well, it'll only let me draw out 250.

-I'll be back tomorrow for the rest.

-Mum, who is it?

No-one.

I'm just popping back out.

Won't be long.

Joyce, maybe what you got to do, you got to just try

and treat it like a bit of a break.

-Like a holiday.

-It's not Butlin's.

Well, it can't be that bad.

-Oh, you really don't care, do you?

-Oh, Joyce, not this again.

We could be banged up by the end of the week

-and all you can do is make jokes.

-Sit down, Joyce. You're making a show.

No, you are making a fool of me.

Excuse me.

I am sorry.

What did I say?

-Denise.

-Oh, hello! Here he is! This is my fella.

-Sorry I'm late. I had a bit of a nightmare. OK...

-What?

-How much have you had?

-What? Oi! I have had...

-More than the recommended amounts of alcohol for a woman.

-Yeah.

-And I'm going to say no more than that.

-OK. Let's get you home.

-Come on.

-No, we're going to the Albert.

-No, we're going home.

-Are we?

-Yes!

-Oh, I like it when you're commanding, darling!

You OK?

Well, not really, son, no.

Truth be known,

I'm petrified.

MUSIC ON JUKEBOX: Alright by Supergrass

Mm! Love this track!

-Here, how do I...?

-Moose, you're not allowed behind..

-VOLUME INCREASES

-Turn that down now!

-Oh, you want to dance, Whit?

-Oi, you!

-We can dance.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

-It's all right.

-Get off me.

-All right, I'll behave.

-He's going to get a slap in a minute, I swear.

-Oh, just keep your fists to yourself, Rambo. All right?

He's harmless. Go on.

Milk chocolate, white chocolate...

-Hey.

-Oh, hi.

How was it?

Busy.

Pearl asleep?

Oh, she went down hours ago.

Um, can we talk now, please?

Ah, Kim, um... Babe, I'm out on my feet here.

Can I, um, eat first?

Yeah, go on, then. Put your feet up.

-I'll bring it through to you, yeah?

-Thank you, babe.

Cos, um,

I wanted to tell you properly, you know.

With music and dinner.

And a glass of wine.

But...no wine for me right now.

Cos, um, I've just found some news.

I didn't believe it at first, so...

I did three of them.

And...

they've all come back positive.

Vincent?

I'm pregnant.

You, me, Pearl,

and this little one.

Our family's growing.

-Where's he meant to be staying tonight?

-I don't know. He didn't say.

-Well, he ain't staying here.

-Can't just chuck him out on the street.

He can stay in my bed.

He can sleep on the settee.

Come on then, Whitney. Give me a hand.

Come on. Get up.

Mum, you all right?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine, love.

You go back to bed.

You sure?

You go back to bed.

Everything's fine.

Love you.

-I don't get paid enough for this.

-MOOSE BURPS

Oh, he's rancid! Oh!

Sorry, lads.

-Woody, make sure he gets his shoes off.

-I ain't touching his feet.

-I'll get him a blanket, yeah?

-Yeah.

What you waiting round for? A little good night kiss?

Listen, you little mug! You stay away from Whitney!

-Yeah, yeah, I get it. You're getting married, ain't you?

-Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, soon as Lee files the divorce papers, isn't it?

Funny thing is though,

he's already done it.

Wonder why she never told you.

Weird that, isn't it?