24/11/2017 EastEnders

He'd better not try and contact me today.

He won't, will he? I mean, he could.

Just stop, Ben! All right? Just get the thought out of your head.

I don't get it. He snapped, you know, just like that.

-FRONT DOOR SHUTS

-Lauren!

-Hiya.

-Are you going to work?

-Yes.

Um, will Luke be there?

Yeah, probably.

Luke's dumped him, Lauren.

Cos he found a card in his wallet that said "Project Dagmar"

-on it and, when he's asked him about it, he went mad.

-What are you telling her for?

-Because...

-Dagmar?

Isn't that... I'm sure that's where Kathy used to work.

Yeah, exactly. I asked him about it and he got annoyed.

Annoyed? He throttled you, Ben! I'm telling you, that man is unhinged.

-We're on the home stretch now, baby.

-Mm-hm.

Till someone breaks in and takes the lot.

-Shirley!

-Knowing our luck.

-Oi, our luck's changed. Ain't that right, L?

-Yeah.

I must admit, I didn't think we were going to manage it, not at first.

Well, you know what has done it? Us lot, all pulling together.

Bit of team work, us against the world.

We're going to keep the Vic. The developers can go and hang!

Do we know any electricians?

No. Why?

Loan sharks have cut Karen's electric off and I want to help her.

-What about Konrad? He does all sorts.

-Who's Konrad?

Oh, that's Mother's Polish admirer.

I do have admirers! Why did they cut her electric off?

Oh, she got herself into a load of trouble.

Borrowed money from the wrong people. Now they're threatening the kids.

I'm bringing tonight's karaoke forward. We're going to start it at lunchtime.

Yeah, that's going to go down like a lead balloon.

-SHE SIGHS

-Going to get a collection going. She needs 200 quid.

I'll give Konrad a ring, ask him to go round there.

-Thank you.

-Morning.

-Morning.

-Morning.

Did you sleep all right?

Yeah.

-Morning.

-Morning.

Have you got five minutes?

Yeah, it'll have to be a quick five minutes.

Megan, I'm going to need that report on my desk before lunch, please.

Why are we still here? We should be back in the hotel.

That was amazing, wasn't it?

No, no, no, no. Not here. We've got to be careful.

Oh! I'm not going to be able to keep my hands off you all day.

Well, you're going to have to.

I've got a meeting with Luke most of the day.

Yeah. Um, what's Project Dagmar?

Is Tom Cruise in it?

No! It's something to do with Luke.

Never heard of it. Why?

OK, so...

Ben said Luke that went for him when he asked him about it.

What?

No, never heard of it.

Come here.

THEY GIGGLE

Um... And...that'll be all, Lauren,

if you could just keep me up-to-date with the...

-Photographs?

-Photographs.

-Yeah, of course.

-Yeah.

Um... Do you want the door open or closed?

Closed.

You do realise that a birthing pool is loads bigger than that?

Well, it's all I can get my hands on, innit?

For a fiver down the market.

It's a good workout, you know. You want to give it a go? Go on.

You mean you're tired and you want me to do it? No, thank you.

So, come on, then. All this is for your new blog, innit?

-V-log/vlog, cos it's a video.

-Yeah.

Yeah? There's no point in doing it

if my followers can't see it, is there?

You see, I'm looking into different options for the birth

cos I don't want to get caught out like I did the last time,

and it's less traumatic for the baby if it's born in water.

-How do they know all that?

-I don't know.

And it's better to introduce them to water at the start.

And who knows? They could be going for gold in...2040.

Don't you want an Olympian for a nephew or niece?

Think about it.

-TV:

-So there is a flipside to living in paradise...

You all right, babe?

What have I done now?

Nothing. I just think we need to talk.

What we spoke about last night.

Yeah, we talked about it. I thought it's sorted, innit?

-Is it?

-Well, yeah. We were cuddling all night.

Look, I've made a mental note.

I promise to keep my fists to myself in the future, all right?

It's not just about that.

Look, we talked about this yesterday.

It's dealt with, you know.

You know you said that I was yours?

Well, you are mine, and I'm yours.

Unless you want one of them open marriages or something. Do you, eh?

No, of course not.

So, what are you saying?

Nothing. I'm not saying nothing. Just forget it, all right?

All right. You know your problem? You think too much.

Right, we've got each other. That's all that counts.

Good girl.

Is everything all right?

He thinks it's all been dealt with.

Course he does. He's a man.

He is one of the good ones and he thinks the world of you.

You just need to mould him into the husband you want him to be.

You're dwelling on the one negative

and you're overlooking all the positives.

We need electricity. I can't cook! It's freezing down there at night.

Have you phoned the council?

Well, I ain't got a phone. You know, I ain't got anything.

I was hoping a mate would come and help us out.

You know Sparky from the Towers?

-What, the man with the van on bricks?

-That's him.

I heard he died.

Oh, well, that'll explain why I can't find him. Poor Sparky.

KNOCK ON DOOR

That's them! They're back!

The loan sharks?

I've got nothing to give them!

Don't answer the door. They'll go away.

KNOCK ON DOOR

-SHIRLEY:

-Karen! You in there?

That don't sound like loan sharks to me.

What do you want?

Sort you out. Come down and open up.

I need to speak to Hastings, then we should know more.

Cool. I'll see you in a bit.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

Oh, er, Luke. Um, what's Project Dagmar?

Where did you hear about that?

Just around. Why, what is it?

-Nothing to do with you.

-Ah, OK, it's just I thought maybe...

We'll talk about this later... when we're alone.

I've got a mate coming over later on. Get you reconnected.

I can't pay him back.

It's a favour.

-You can pay me back with fags when you get some.

-Thank you.

What were you thinking?

She was desperate, wasn't she?

Oh, yeah, we've all been there.

Well, most of us.

They took Bronson.

What for?

Cleared us out of everything they could sell, him included.

I don't know what I'm going to do without him.

I'm dreading the boys coming back.

Why don't you get Annie Oakley here, standing guard with her shooter?

You should call the police.

What, so they can tell the nasty men off?

The world don't work like that.

Oh, I see. I'm the woman from the privileged background

who lives in cloud cuckoo land, am I?

I take it that these loan sharks aren't FCA-authorised?

I doubt they're anything authorised.

Well, they're breaking the law, then.

You need to contact the illegal money lending team.

The who?

My friend, Valerie, got herself in trouble one Christmas.

They dealt with it. They work with the government, with the police.

She didn't hear from the loan shark again.

Yeah, but I owe them interest and all that, you know?

Well, if you don't want to do it, that's down to you.

I know you've got a chequered history with the police,

but they do come in handy sometimes.

You know, you should listen to her.

She knows what she's talking about.

Well, thank you!

You know what? You don't need to show me these. I know they're great.

-You just pick the ones you think are best.

-OK.

Oh!

Last thing I need right now is four hours stuck in the office with Luke.

Save me!

-Did you see how he acted when you asked him about Dagmar?

-Don't you mean...

AMERICAN ACCENT: ..Project Dagmar?

I'm being serious, Josh.

Ben seems to think it's something to do with Kathy, and I care about her.

Luke dumped him when he asked him about it.

No, sorry - he throttled him first, then he dumped him.

Look, Luke's a private person. He keeps things close to his chest.

Just don't antagonise him.

I don't want him causing problems between us.

Speaking of which, he'll be back in a minute, so...

..best you get back to your desk.

Hello, and welcome to my channel and pregnancy update.

First off, let's talk about sore nipples.

-Denise!

-Sore nips?

Look, just film it! Come on!

Hello, and welcome to my channel and my pregnancy update.

Now, I know what you're thinking.

What's Krazy Kim doing in a paddling pool?

Well, let me tell you, it is never too early to start

thinking about the birth.

So, over the next few weeks, I'll be looking at the different options,

starting with the birthing tank, aka the birthing pool.

Now, I am a traditional woman,

and my ideal birth would be with plenty of painkillers.

Now, I'm talking drugs with a chaser of drugs.

But they say giving birth in water is very natural

and, for centuries, women all over the wor...

-Why isn't this recording?

-What, you're not filming it?

No.

And now I've got to remember everything I just said?

Look, being spontaneous - that's part of my thing!

They're not going to be interested in all of this.

Excuse me! I've got nearly 1,000 followers!

Really?

Dee, this is it, yeah? I've finally found my calling.

I am reaching out to those people, those little people.

I mean, I'm sharing my life with them.

And if Mother Teresa was still alive today, trust me,

she would be vlogging like a mad woman.

So, look, just come on! Just film it for me, please.

From the start, come on!

You recording it?

-Wait.

-What?

-Yeah.

Hello, and welcome to my channel and pregnancy update.

Megan, can you hold my calls for the rest of the day, please?

Hi.

Hi. Fi, ain't it?

-Yeah. Lauren?

-Yeah.

-Josh in?

Um... He's in a meeting for the rest of the day with his brother.

Is there anything I can help you with?

No, just some Grafton Hill stuff. I should have made an appointment.

MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

-Ow! That hurts!

-Sorry, sorry, sorry!

-Sort it out.

-Karaoke at midday?

-I know, Stace. L's idea.

-WOODY: Hello? One, two...

-I knew it was somewhere.

Ollie's mobile. I'm going to give it to Stacey for Hope.

-Oh, that's so lovely! Are you sure?

-Yeah, course!

It's been stuck in a cupboard for the best part of a year.

Oh, thanks, Linda!

Hello? One, two, one... One, two?

You going to stay and give us a song?

Er, no, I think I'll pass. See you later.

Oh, actually, actually, we're having a collection for the Taylors.

They're in trouble owing money and...

Well, we've all got money problems.

Look, her kids are being threatened if she don't pay up.

I might have a couple of quid, but that's all I've got.

Thanks, Stace.

There you are.

-Oh, Whit.

-Yeah?

-Is everything all right?

Yeah, fine.

-He behaving himself?

-Yeah.

One, two?

Linda thinks I should focus on all the good things.

-He's got loads of good things.

-One, two, one, two...

Yeah, I'm sure he does, when he ain't thumping people.

-See you later.

-Bye.

Hello, Queen Vic!

Welcome to this afternoon's karaoke,

and I'm going to kick off with one of my favourite tunes,

and I'm going to dedicate it to my beautiful fiance, Whitney.

MUSIC STARTS

Yeah?

You got the 2020 projections?

No.

You haven't even looked.

JOSH SIGHS

I'm sorry. Is there somewhere you'd rather be?

There's about 1,000 places I'd rather be.

Why do I always get the boring jobs?

Sophie gets to swank around properties, develop pubs.

You get all the fancy lunches and perks.

Oh, yeah. Prison's full of perks.

Projections for what year?

What year?

You're an ungrateful brat.

Sitting here in your comfy office,

doing the job you're not qualified for.

I see the glasses didn't make you look intelligent, so you've swapped for a beard.

Or is that to make you look manly? Pathetic!

I haven't finished.

You've been drifting by, getting away with doing little or no work,

flirting with your tart out there,

which I have to say is a great match - Dumb and Dumber.

Now, you leave Lauren out of this!

I wish I could, but everywhere I turn she's there.

That, earlier on -

calling me out in front of everyone, asking me questions.

What's the big deal? I only asked cos Lauren said you snapped at Ben over it.

I will not be questioned!

I am sick of being questioned!

Keep your nose out and her quiet, or I will personally muzzle her!

So this Project Dagmar is something, then?

You are as annoying now as you were as a little kid!

Like a fly that needs swatting!

Luke! Luke!

Well, he seems to know what he's doing. Well, he's Polish, isn't he?

Do you think him and Shirley are special friends?

Just cos you've got to ask for help doesn't mean you're rubbish.

Accept it. People like to help. Look at me.

Sat up here with you when I could be down with Ted,

yakking about the price of potatoes.

This is the highlight of my week, this is.

Tell me what I've got to do again.

You know I used to sit at the back of the class.

Well, a bloke from the do-dah team will phone me tomorrow,

cos you've not got a phone, I'll bring it up to you,

and you tell him everything, and that's it.

You've got nothing to worry about.

Nah, that can't be right! What, it just goes away?

I ain't got to pay anything?

It might be just as well to have

a couple of hundred quid stashed away, just in case.

There's no hope of that.

What about Bronson?

Will I get him back?

I don't know. Hopefully, when the police get there, he'll be there,

but I can't say.

We're on again!

JOYCE CHUCKLES

You should still be locked up.

And you should have been aborted.

Why would you say that?

Don't tell me you're siding with him.

You could have killed him!

Yes, I could have, but I didn't, did I?

He's been talking about a certain project we're undertaking.

It doesn't concern you.

You know about it? You know about Project Dagmar?

Everyone above your pay grade knows.

What's all the mystery? Why am I always left out of everything?

-Cos you're as unimportant as your mother was.

-Luke!

Don't play the peacemaker. It really doesn't suit you.

Just keep him out of my way from now on. He needs to learn his place.

You want to teach me it, then, yeah? Come on, then!

Stop it, OK?

You keep your nose out of business that doesn't concern you,

and you remember that we kept everything going

while you were having a little holiday at Her Majesty's pleasure.

Keep your girlfriend out of my affairs or I will hurt her.

That's a promise.

PHONE RINGS

I'm going to interview women about their experiences,

and I'm going to call it Tales From The Delivery Room.

That sounds like a horror story to me.

Ah, but it's all the gory details!

You see, that's what my followers want to hear, innit?

-Really?

-Mm.

-Is that all 12 of them?

Yes. Yes, I've had a look online. Nearly 1,000 followers?

Do me a favour! Kim!

And it's the comments they leave,

you know, not to mention the lewd remarks.

Kim, you have to stop this.

Stop? I'm just getting started.

No, no! I am closing you down.

Once you put that stuff out there, darlin',

it's out there for everyone to see for years.

And I'm not having my little niece

or nephew reading about how you was mocked.

Come on, man! Have some dignity.

You might have a point.

Yeah. Now, if you want to update on your pregnancy,

my ears are always open, all right?

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

OK, so, sore nipples, yeah?

The first time, it weren't so bad but this time, mate,

they feel like they've got clothes pegs attached to them,

and I don't mean in a good way, you know.

Go away.

What's happened?

I hate him.

Josh?

He's tormented me ever since I was born.

I mean, he's just jealous cos Dad likes to spend time with me.

OK, calm down. Let me go and get you a coffee.

No, no, no. I've had enough. I'm not staying here any longer. I'm going home.

# Boom bang-a-bang-bang

# I love you

# Such a lovely feeling

# When I'm in your arms

# Don't go away

# I wanna stay my whole life through

# Boom bang-a-bang-bang

# Boom bang-a-bang-bang

# Boom bang-a-bang-bang

# I love you! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MICK: She's got a lovely, lovely voice.

All them flashy customers he sent to the Arches.

I ain't dealing with them no more.

This is good now. You're entering the angry phase.

Trying to tell ME how to run MY business!

It's bang out of order, Ben!

Why was I even thinking of expanding?

I'm fine just the way I am.

You know what you need to do?

You need to get that app back on your phone,

and you need to get this man out of your system

because I'm telling you, if you let him

worm his way back in, I will never talk to you again, right?

No-one treats my brother like that. No-one.

Boys? I'm collecting for the Taylors.

Some loan shark's squeezing them

and threatening the kids if they don't pay up.

Oh, really? How much you after, Lin?

200.

Here you are. There's 100 quid there.

Jay, that's amazing! Thank you.

It's all right.

Well, it's from the Car Lot, innit? Money's coming through soon.

Right, ladies and gentlemen! Who's up to sing us another song, eh?

Oh, here we go.

I've got it.

Moose, what can I get you?

Look, can we have a word? I'm going back to the barracks...

Oh, well, whatever you want to say, you can say here.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Fair enough.

Look, we've got a name for fellas like Woody Woodpecker in my regiment.

Call them Grenades. One minute he's calm,

the next minute he's exploding.

Is that right?

Well, we've got a name for blokes like you round here.

Sharks.

You know, cos you swim round girls who've already got fellas.

And the girls, they ain't interested, are they?

Cos no matter how much gel you slap on your head

or how much you pluck your eyebrows...

..or whatever stupid name you want to give yourself...

Wayne.

Oh, yeah, I know, cos Lee told me.

We had a right laugh about that.

Talking of Lee, it's funny, ain't it?

How you only ever turn up out the blue to talk about my divorce.

Trying to catch me at a low point, are you?

Well, I'm telling you -

and anyone else who might be listening - I think your views

on women ain't that far off the Taliban you've been fighting.

-That's a bit steep.

-Yeah, it might be, but it's true.

See, I'm not some poor, defenceless little girl.

I ain't waiting for my hero.

I am no-one's possession. Nobody owns me, right?

So I suggest you march back to camp...

..Wayne.

Yeah, all right. All right, I'll go.

You know, you've never looked sexier than you do now, Whit.

Mick.

THAT was amazing.

Happy now?

-You've got to sort your temper out.

-Just keep him away from me.

I'm not baby-sitting him. You have to trust him.

I don't. Since when did you become so soft?

It's only Linda from the pub.

Hello. Hi.

Sorry, the flat's a mess.

Is it? I hadn't noticed.

Oh, I see you've got the electric back on.

Yeah, Shirley's mate sorted us out.

Good, good. Um...

Well, the thing is, we want you to have this.

There's more than enough in there.

We had a collection at the Vic. People were very generous.

What for? No, I don't want no charity!

Everyone's concerned for you.

No. No, thanks and all that, but I can't pay you back.

If it was a collection, no-one will expect you to pay it back.

No-one's ever done anything like this for us before.

-DOOR OPENS KEANU:

-Mum! Mum!

-I was just walking about. He was in the park.

-Bronson!

He must have gave them blokes the slip.

Hello, you! Come here! Come to Mummy, you!

Oh!