30/11/2017 EastEnders

You know what you are, don't you, Mick Carter?

Oh, what's that now?

A dirty, rotten...

..cheat! No-one rolled that many sixes in a row!

Unless they've got the magic touch. And I think that you well know...

LINDA LAUGHS

My eyelashes hurt.

If you will drink sangria like it's going out of fashion!

-Is the bathroom free?

-I'd give it five minutes.

Or maybe ten.

Oh!

I feel like I'm going to die.

-Well, you can't, can you? Not today.

-Why not?

You know why.

You know, don't you?

What's the matter with your face?

I'm renewing my wedding vows, you string! I told you this last night.

I'm going to ask her today. I need to sort a few things out.

-I need you to hold the fort.

-I can't even hold my breath!

-I'm begging you, Mother!

-You only got married two years ago.

-So?

-It's not like an Oyster card.

What ain't?

-Please don't tell me you've been playing this.

-Yes.

-We need more air freshener.

-Anyone heard from Whit yet?

I expect she's too busy rubbing factor 50 into Woody's white bits.

She takes after her Auntie Kat, the gob on her.

-You sure she didn't keep you up all night?

-No.

-I weren't really sleeping anyway.

-Whit, you've had a lucky escape.

Listen, as soon as I get through to Bianca, I'm going to be out of your hair, all right?

-Do you want to go to Milton Keynes?

-Well, it ain't Malaga.

But at least no-one there knows my fiance dumped me.

-Right, get dressed. We're going for breakfast.

-What? No.

-Stace, I'm not hungry.

-I don't care. You've got to face them sooner or later.

-That'll sort you right out.

-Well, I think it's a great idea.

That's why you're my favourite child.

How much is this second wedding going to knock us back?

Because we're down to the bones on our backsides, in case you hadn't noticed.

-Well, it ain't all about money, though, is it, Mother?

-What ain't?

A waterbed. I want one.

-Who has a waterbed these days?!

-Yeah, I know.

-They went out of fashion with the old yuppies, didn't they?

-No!

It's medicinal. I've got a bad back.

What's wrong with a couple of cushions? Anyway, we can't afford to splash out.

-Every penny has to go towards that 50K.

-Well, we're not that far off.

Well, we'll see. I'm going to make a start on them books today.

What? Oh, you can't because my mother's volunteered.

-Ain't you?

-I don't think so!

She loves all that maths stuff.

Yeah, two from the bottom, three from the top, and one big one!

Yeah, that's right. So, er, Linda, I would like you to go up West and go and relax

and go and get yourself something nice.

Few quid ain't going to make a difference, is it?

Are you going to tell me what's really going on?

I've got a surprise for you and I want you out of the way, all right?

-Is that good enough for you?

-Oh, a surprise!

I suppose I could do with a nice, new sparkly top for Christmas.

-Nothing too expensive, but I've got to look good for the punters.

-Lovely!

And maybe, when I get back, I'll have a little surprise for you.

Oh, yeah?

Mm-hm.

How about a rematch?

See? Now, I don't want you to go.

Ha-ha! Well, I'll be back soon.

Right, we're on.

So, get that down you. Go on.

There we go.

Oh...

Told you, spas are for blokes and all.

They're doing 20% off a back, crack and sack today.

I'm serious. You need to open yourself up to all possibilities.

Relax, look after yourself, mind and body.

If I wanted to ponce around in a dressing gown,

I'd do it in here for free.

Well, you never know. You might make new friends.

Not the kind that come with a criminal record.

-Father Ted popping around again, is he?

-JP?

I thought his name was Aidan.

Well, it is. It's a nickname.

-Funny him turning up after all this time.

-Yeah.

Well, he heard I've been ill and wanted to see me before I snuff it.

-I take it you're not keen.

-He's a bit full of himself, if you ask me.

Well, he always was,

but I could have been banged up with a lot worse.

What was he inside for? Actually, I don't want to know.

Right, I'm going to take Denny to school.

You can make an appointment. You'll feel like a new man.

Is that what you want, is it?

-A new man?

-Don't tempt me.

Denny? You ready?

MOBILE BUZZES

Two teas, when you're ready, Kath.

-There was a mix-up with the flights.

-So, how come Woody's not here?

Woody's was fine.

-Yeah, I booked the wrong date.

-So, he went on without you?

Well, he's got a job out there, so...

-What, you going to join him later, then?

-Yeah.

And if you believe that... KATHY CHUCKLES

-There you go.

-You remember the days before these yokes

-killed off the art of conversation?

-Vaguely, yeah.

Can I get you something to eat?

Ooh, I could chew the leg off a scabby donkey.

But I'm watching my weight.

So I couldn't tempt you with a sausage sandwich, then?

I'm sure you could.

-So, tell me more. The silver fox over there.

-What about him?

Well, I haven't seen him round here before and, trust me,

I would have noticed.

-Er, you are spoken for!

-Ha-ha, this is true!

Can I have a coffee, please, Kath?

Um, hi, darling.

Um, you're not avoiding me, are you?

I hope I haven't scared you off with my little...proposition.

Call me... Call me when you can, yeah?

-There you go.

-Where did you find it?

It was just under the bed.

It was my mum's.

So, are you excited?

Er, yeah.

Yeah, I am, actually. I can't wait.

Yeah, tonight's the night. The plan finally comes together.

MOBILE RINGS

It's Carmel. Again.

-The thought of you and her shacked up together...

-What?

-It's funny, is it?

-A little bit!

But we're doing this for us, you and me.

No-one else matters.

You and me.

I've been thinking about you and me a lot lately.

Bigger picture, Max.

-Listen, I've got something I'm going to ask you later.

-Oh, yeah?

Keep her sweet until tonight.

-I'll see you.

-See you later.

Yeah, very good. And, then, in the land of...fairies and all that,

there was a beautiful flower called Mummy.

-Babe?

-And one night, the flower was visited by a very special seed,

called Daddy.

-And this seed flew all the way up into the Mummy flower...

-Yeah!

We're going to... Babe, no, that's... We don't need that.

I am teaching our daughter the miracle of life.

No, you're messing up her head with seeds flying up and...

It is very important to prepare the older

sibling for the arrival of the new baby.

Yeah, but babe's going to be fine.

You're going to be chill, aren't you, babe?

-Hm.

-Yeah.

-Here you go.

-What's this?

-My birth plan.

You need to know it inside out.

-As it were.

-You've got nine months.

You're a slow reader, Vincent.

-OK, but later, yeah?

-Vincent!

-No, I'm busy.

-I've got...

-Busy?

Forget it.

OK.

OK! I'm... Let's look at it.

DISHES CLATTER

CUPBOARD DOOR SLAMS

Right, here you go. A little drink in there for you.

Tell Joey the Wig I owe him.

All right? Go on. Mind how you go.

Ho-ho!

Get on this, look! Rose Gold. Class, isn't it?

-Why didn't you get her a ring?

-Cos that's what I got her last time.

-She's going to love it.

-Looks like it's come out of a cracker.

Done them books yet, have you?

Can you give me a hand? I'm going boss-eyed, sitting here.

-I would, but I've got to go and get this engraved.

-What with?

-Something poetic.

-Made in China.

You got no soul, you.

Honestly, heart of stone.

-Cup of tea.

-£1.20, please.

Keep the change.

Thank you. Should have had that sausage sandwich, you know?

Beats a scabby donkey, hands down.

Next time.

-You've got mates, got a job.

-Yeah, they threw me the leaving party.

Oh, Whit. In a couple of weeks, they'll all be gossiping about someone else.

I've got to get going. B's expecting me.

I don't suppose you've seen Max this morning, have you?

Have you tried the Vic roof?

-What?!

-Oh, nothing.

MOBILE RINGS

That'll be him. Speak of the devil, eh?

Hello?

Yes.

This is Carmel Kazemi speaking.

Right.

Now?

OK.

I'll be right there.

So, the old boy's in the coffin, right?

And the daughter's giving me grief and she says to me,

"You haven't put his glasses on." I said, "He's dead, love.

"He ain't going to be watching telly any time soon." You know what I mean?

People are funny about stuff like that, though, ain't they?

HORN TOOTS Coming!

Wow-wee!

See? I'm not avoiding you.

You gave me such a fright.

-Um...

-I'm sorry, Carmel.

I just needed a bit of time to think, that's all.

-Yeah, about us moving in together.

-Er...

It's a big step and I've screwed it up a couple of times before.

-Look, Max, I, um...

-What, you change your mind?

No, it's just I... Um...

I really can't talk about this right now. I've got to get changed.

It's all right. It's all right. Breathe.

Yeah, I've... I've been summoned by the council.

I've got to go there right now.

-About what?

-I don't know.

There's been some developments in the investigation, or something.

What does that mean?

I don't know. It's not going to mean anything, is it?

You didn't hear the snotty cow on the other end of the phone.

I mean, what if...? What if they think I've leaked those documents?

Yeah, but you didn't, did you?

I'll never get another job.

-Look, I... You can let yourself out, can't you?

-Yeah, yeah. Course.

-You can stay a bit longer, if you want.

-No, you ain't got the room.

-What was Max doing on the roof?

-Oh, I don't know.

-Him and Lauren were up there yesterday.

-Why?

-MOBILE RINGS

-Hello?

Woody? Is that you?

An unknown number.

Block it. Whit!

Stacey, I can't help it. I want to talk to him.

-Well, he's made his feelings clear.

-Yeah, maybe. Maybe not.

-Oh, Whitney.

Just go to Milton Keynes and forget about him.

Right, listen, I don't care what it says on the paperwork.

-It's a mistake.

-Yeah, it's a very beautiful mistake.

I tell you what, when I get the money from the car lot, I might treat myself to one of these, mate.

I never ordered it. And I ain't paying for it!

Come on, let me take it for a little test drive.

Ain't you got a dead body to go and bury?

Grandad ain't going anywhere, is he? Especially without his glasses!

Jay!

-Look at this.

-Jay!

-Come on!

-Jay, get out, will you?

-Come on!

-Get out!

It's nice, though, isn't it?

Yes, it's nice.

What's that?

It's for you.

Come on, then, Johnny boy, give it to me.

£49,882.91p.

-Beautiful!

-We'll easily make the rest up tonight.

I can't wait to see Fi-Fi's face when she finds out we've raised the money.

-I hope she chokes.

-Yes!

-Whit.

-What are you doing here?

-Did you miss your plane or something?

-Is Linda around?

-No!

-Where's Woody?

-I need to speak to her, Mick.

I said, she's not here!

What's happened? Why are you still here?

-I shouldn't have come.

-No, Whit. Come upstairs, have a cup of tea, or something.

-Yeah, yeah. Come on.

-Come on, we'll go upstairs, have a cup of tea, all right?

-No, it's not all right!

Very domesticated.

Call me sentimental.

Reminds me of the old days.

Our cell was always spotlessly clean.

-I've been calling you.

-I said I'd be in touch.

-So, you had a ruck, what?

-No.

Um, I waited and waited for him and he didn't turn up.

Oh, he didn't even have the guts to face you!

I told you he was a wretch, didn't I?

If I see him, he'll be picking his teeth up off the pavement!

Linda likes him. He likes Linda. They're mates. Maybe she could help.

Listen, you're better off without him, Whit. You're...

Do you mind, Mother?

We've got a pub to run.

Yeah, all right. Well, Woody's run out on her, hasn't he?

I need you downstairs. You understand, don't you, Whitney?

-I'll come and give you a hand, if you want.

-Mick, can I have a word?

-She's in bits.

-My heart bleeds.

Today was supposed to be about you and Linda renewing your vows.

-Do you remember her?

-L's sweet. She knows there's nothing going on.

Yeah, because she thought Little Miss Innocent in there was halfway across the world.

It's Spain. It ain't halfway across the world.

You want to watch your marriage go down the plughole, I won't let you!

You get rid before Linda gets home!

Ah, the poor chickens.

They still keep them cooped up in those battery cages, you know.

Terrible. You know, swimming in their own filth.

Drives each other mad. Pecking at each other's eyes. Cannibalising.

Sound familiar?

Bit like a night in Her Majesty's Boutique Hotel, wouldn't you say?

-Enjoy.

-Thanks.

What's the matter? Gone off the chicken?

You ain't changed, have you?

Ah, lad. Over here.

Take a pew.

Phil.

Look, I know you two are acquainted, so let's cut out the small talk.

Down to business, all right?

-She gone yet?

-Let her dry her tears first, eh?

Oh, what? Do you want her to stay?

-Something you want to tell me, Mick?

-Like what?

-About you and Whitney.

-There is no me and Whitney.

-Prove it.

-All right, Shirley. Give us another water, please.

-I'm not your skivvy.

-I thought I might find you in here.

-You all right?

-I'm in the clear.

-No!

-Yeah.

-Oh, well done!

-See? Told you, didn't I?

-Yeah. I feel like a weight's lifted.

I knew I'd done nothing, but you can't help but feel guilty, can you?

Daft, isn't it?

-When people start pointing the finger...

-Tell me about it.

I'm sorry I doubted you.

I knew you had nothing to do with it really.

It's all right, don't matter.

Sure?

Oh! And they have decided to make me full-time!

-Oh, yeah?

-Today just gets better and better.

-Oh, that's good. Right.

What are you having?

Um, why don't we go back to mine and celebrate properly?

-Show me the map.

-OK.

What's in it, then?

-Bits and pieces.

-Must be worth quite a bit, though, yeah?

Won't be happening at all, if you don't shut up for five minutes.

Look, don't worry. There'll be plenty in it to make us all very happy.

Might even crack a smile on his ugly mug.

The trick will be to get the goods off without anybody getting

a sniff and that's where you come in.

Yeah?

-You know the area.

-Like the back of my hand.

-PHIL SNORTS

-Find something funny?

Yeah. You've been here five minutes and now you're an expert.

I grew up round here.

What, you think this is your manor?

I think you'd better leave us alone for a couple of minutes, Vincent.

I know places.

I said, leave.

Now.

Don't listen to this one. He ain't got a clue.

I'll talk to you later.

He's a grass and he'll have you over.

I'm not as stupid as I look, you know?

I can smell a Gombeen man from 100 yards.

Well, I ain't working with him.

This is my plan, my job, my team.

What I say, goes.

Do you have a problem with that?

And what if I have?

Then it ends here. You go back to your quiet life.

Put up a few more shelves.

But I have to say, it has been good catching up.

One minute, you're dumping me. The next, you won't leave me alone.

You're mental!

I believe the word you're looking for is generous.

-I don't want it!

-It's a gift, what's the problem?

-You like it, don't you? It's top of the range.

-Why are you doing this?

I'm good to my friends.

We stopped being friends when you tried to strangle me.

Well, not just friends, obviously.

If it ain't gone by the end of the day, it's going to the scrap.

Missed me?

Oh, Mum. Did you have a good morning?

Mostly window shopping, sausage. Mostly window shopping.

-Linda.

-Oh, you done them books?

-Yeah, I've done them, but I think you should have a look at them,

-make sure they're all right. So if you...

-Give us a chance, will you?

-Well, there's no time like the present.

-Where is he?

-Oh. Dad's upstairs.

-I'll go get him.

No, I want to go and show him my new top.

You can't go up there.

Why not?

Because he's getting your surprise ready.

-Do you think I should have got her a ring?

-No, that's lovely.

It is, isn't it?

She'll love it.

Now, I took your advice.

And now, you're going to take mine.

You're a kind, beautiful, caring girl and you ain't no mug, either.

Even if that no-mark don't realise it.

I think Linda might be able to help.

Yeah, um, I don't think that's a good idea.

I just can't sit here and do nothing. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

-He just got cold feet, that's all.

-It's just that me and Linda, we're back on track now. And I just...

SHE SOBS I don't know what to do.

Come on. Look, come here. Just...

Whit was... She was just, erm...

You're supposed to be in Spain.

Yeah, he's run out on her.

He's run out on her, she's upset.

-Right.

-She's come here to see you, as it happens. Ain't you?

Me?

-Yeah. Has Woody said anything to you, or...?

-Me? Why would he?

Do you think you could speak to him for me?

I don't think that's a good idea. He's got his own mind.

OK.

I'll leave you to it.

-See you later.

-See you.

-I know what that looked like.

-I'll put this away.

-L.

-She's upset. It's fine, I get it.

Dissing me in front of the big man.

A lesser man would have been offended.

You know what? I get it.

Old man sounding off. I mean, it must be hard being out of the game.

Time waits for no man and all that.

You're going to come unstuck.

-And when you do...

-Ah.

I won't.

You and Maguire, you go back a long way.

And that's, erm... It's nice.

But it's time now for the new blood, yeah?

You take my advice. Stick to selling alcopops.

Good to see that you keep yourself busy. Shopping, yeah?

-I never meant to cause trouble.

-What are you talking about, trouble?

Give my love to Milton Keynes.

All right.

You keep your nut up, girl. All right?

Johnny boy! Get me a bottle of bubbly. I want some of that good stuff and all.

-And a couple of glasses.

-Mick.

-Coming up.

I'm going to go upstairs and I'm going to go

-and ask my wife to marry me again.

-I don't think tonight's a good idea.

-What you talking about? Me and L, we're all good, nothing's changed.

-You believe that fairy-tale, do you?

Trust me, Mother. I know what I'm doing.

Yeah, that's the gear.

Well, that beats a fish finger sandwich, any day!

Are you sure you can't stay?

What, round two?

What are you trying to do? Kill me?

Can't help it.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I can't.

I promised Lauren I'd go and see Louie.

You're a good man.

I can't imagine my life without you.

I don't know. I've got my share of bad habits.

Well, I shall find out more when we co-habit.

You might not like the real me.

As long as you don't pick your toenails.

Umar used to do that.

Drove me insane.

Listen to me. I do like to witter on, don't I?

I've had a lovely time.

Good. See you later.

Go and see your grandson.

I can take them back, if you don't like them.

You actually went to the spa?

I don't suppose you got your 20% discount?

No, of course not!

Ooh!

Massage oil!

Well, you said you wanted me to open myself up to new possibilities.

I like the sound of that.

-Looking to the future.

-Why don't I run a bath?

JP. It's me.

I know what I said,

but I'm in.

L? I got something for you!

L?

Linda Bernadette Carter!

This is your husband speaking!

All right?

It's all fine.

-The council don't know anything.

-Yeah, I know.

Apparently, they got someone in the accounts department for it.

-Clare someone...

-Really? How's that?

I thought you were going to ask me something.

Yeah.