24/12/2017 EastEnders

MARTIN: He's not our problem.

-STACEY:

-I'm worried about him. He's not himself.

Which is precisely why I don't want him here.

The man's turned into a complete psycho.

Martin, keep your voice down.

He's not dangerous. He's just... He's confused.

-He's not well.

-Oh, right, well, you tell that to Ian, then.

Who, by the way, does not know that I am harbouring his arch enemy.

Oh, that is so dramatic.

Anyway, nobody needs to know that he's here.

You want me to lie?

-Well, no, I just want things to go back to normal.

-What is normal?

-Me and him pulling crackers over the Christmas turkey?

-No.

I don't know, Martin.

I hadn't really thought. I've just been busy with

Arthur's birthday breakfast and the nativity thing later.

Well, can you think, please, Stace?

Because this is our first Christmas with Hope.

Our first Christmas together.

All right.

-All right?

-Yeah.

Tomorrow's about me, you, and the kids. No-one else.

Yeah.

Pressies. You know, nice big dinner,

and then I'll probably fall asleep in front of the telly,

and you can come in and, you know, do all the washing up.

It's a joke! HOPE CRIES

Stace, it's a joke. Joke?

Sorry.

No, I haven't, all right?

Look, I said I wouldn't.

Yeah, all right. Bye.

Was that Phil?

Yeah, he hasn't heard from your dad, either.

Reckons he's gone to ground.

I'm really sorry about all this.

Why? It's not your fault, is it?

I'm not going to let your dad ruin our Christmas,

and neither should you.

-Mick, have you counted champagne flutes recently?

-Not recently.

Cos we're missing a box, and there's no time to order any more in now.

There's plenty of wine glasses.

And then the florist rang to say that I need to choose

another bouquet because the one I ordered has sold out, which means

-it won't match your buttonhole.

-Well, I'll just leave it off, then.

-And the cash and carry was out of sherry!

-Linda!

Are you trying to communicate with cats?

Your shrill levels are too high!

Yes, they are. Let's all do a bit of breath work, eh?

-I've got a new mindfulness app you could try, Mum.

-Oh, very funny.

Very funny. I just want tomorrow to be perfect.

It will. It will.

And everything's sorted with you know what?

I've told you. I've dealt with it.

LOUD VOICES ON LAPTOP

Where've you been? Been trying to get through since first thing.

Helping Ingrid out with the nativity.

Are there really going to be free mince pies?

-Yeah. Everyone's invited.

-I ain't going to no nativity.

All right. Shut up.

We've got a thief in our midst.

Do you know what our neighbours think when they see us?

When they pass us in the street, yeah?

They think, "Chav". They hold their bags a bit tighter.

They think, "Knife crime". They cross the road. They think, "ASBO".

They think, "Drugs," they think, "Scum".

But I know different. I know better.

And these...

Well, these are all the proof they need to keep saying them things.

Yeah, and I won't have it. Do you understand?

I won't have it!

So, come on, then. Which one of you was it?

You promised you ain't going to steal any more.

-I stole one for Bernadette.

-And I kicked off,

and I told you to give it back, and you said you had!

I did, but I've been telling Chatham to stop stealing more.

CHATHAM CRIES

It's all right. Chatham, it's all right. Don't cry.

You know, you made a mistake. Things happen.

You should've said something!

I didn't want to get them in trouble, did I?

Are we done here, yeah?

Keegan, I'm sorry....

You thought it was me.

KAREN SIGHS

-DOOR SLAMS

-Is this Stacey's one?

What did you go nicking from her for?!

Why do I always get roped into this?

Because you are an angel.

Yeah, she is.

I've borrowed a T-shirt, Martin.

Hope you don't mind, Stacey said it would be all right.

No, no, it's fine, mate.

Oh, look, I forgot to say that Lily wanted a word with you upstairs,

-Stace.

-Playing Mary's gone to her head.

She's turned into a right little diva.

-Yeah.

-There's some breakfast on the table.

Thanks, Stace.

Look, I know you've got Stacey believing that you're some

little lost lamb, but I don't believe it, Max.

Just watch it, yeah?

That's all right, Martin, I understand.

I'd feel the same way if I was you.

I'm not a threat. Me and Stacey are just old mates.

More like family, really. You've got nothing to worry about.

-I mean, you two are pretty solid, ain't you?

-Yeah!

I wasn't talking about that, anyway. I trust my wife.

Well, you should.

Can you pass the milk, please?

-Thank you.

-Pleasure.

-Lily didn't want me.

-Tell him he's got to go.

I'll catch up with you later.

You didn't fancy the Christmas do, then?

Not really in the mood.

No, you're right. It's a tiresome tradition.

Although the secretaries are having a good time.

Couple of drinks at lunchtime, and they're...

-Anybody's?

-..sozzled.

What are you thinking of?

Do you remember Christmas Eve when Luke and I were little?

Yeah, of course.

Mum would put us to bed, and I would make it my mission to stay awake.

But it wasn't Father Christmas I was waiting for. It was you.

Never quite managed it, did I?

Probably out at the office party. With all those secretaries.

More likely stuck at my desk. Same as you.

Being a workaholic must run in the family.

So you are going to join us after all?

Actually, I have plans.

Oh, Max hasn't come crawling back, has he?

I thought you had more sense.

I'll see you later.

Are you feeling better, then?

Yeah, I am, yeah. Much better.

Good.

-Erm...

-I just wanted to say thanks for...

For letting me stay. It means the world to me.

-Oh, don't be silly.

-If it weren't for you, I'd be back in a cell now.

Well, good. I'm glad it sunk in.

Yeah, I can see things clearer. It's good.

Erm, Max, don't take this the wrong way, but..

..you can't stay tonight.

Martin's got his heart set on a family Christmas.

-Martin has?

-Well, both of us have.

We've had a bit of a tough year and we've stuck it out,

and it feels like a good time to celebrate.

I'm sorry. I didn't realise things had been bad between you.

No, it's not been bad. We've just been up against it.

Well, yeah. No, it's fine. I understand.

-MAX CHUCKLES

-What?

It's just good seeing you settled, that's all.

You know, you got it all, haven't you? You got family.

Cosy Christmas. It's everything you wanted with Bradley.

Yeah, I guess so.

I hardly recognise you.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. Just all this.

I never thought Stacey Slater could be tamed.

It's good. I'm pleased for you.

Lauren was really worried about you yesterday.

I think that you should go and speak to her. And Abi.

Oh, I will. I'll sort that out.

-I've got a plan.

-A plan? Are you serious?

What do you mean?

Well, plotting and scheming - that's how you got into this mess.

No, I don't mean it like that. I just mean I can see a way forward.

Here you are.

Oooh, she'll love that. Give us a feel.

-Yeah, it ain't silk.

-Well, you'd never tell.

Here you are, and feast your eyes on these babies. Look at them.

Ooh, nice. Very nice.

Yeah. And I got her this right naughty pair of slippers

with bulldogs on them, look.

You don't have to show me everything, Mick.

You don't think she'll be disappointed, do you?

It's just I usually go for quality over quantity.

Look, stop fretting. She'll be made up.

Anyway, it's not about the stuff with you and Linda, is it?

-Just like us, Sharon, eh?

-Yeah, well, you've got no excuses.

After all the business calls you've had lately, I'd have thought

I'd have woken up with a new "best friend" come Christmas morning.

PHIL CHUCKLES

Right, I've got to shoot off. I'll see yous tomorrow, yeah?

Yeah, can't wait. Good old knees up at The Vic.

It's what Christmas is all about, isn't it?

Although I hope Max Branning don't show his face.

He won't.

Phil, can I have a quick word, mate?

Aidan told you?

-About what?

-I'm out.

No, he didn't.

I just wanted to tell you that, man to man, all right?

And you can trust me. I'll keep me mouth shut.

I'll see you tomorrow.

So, where are you going to go?

Er, don't know.

What, are you going to get a hotel or something?

Er, yeah, probably.

Why are you being so secretive?

I'm not.

Why do you care, anyway?

Well, I don't want you spending Christmas in some doorway somewhere.

MAX CHUCKLES

-It's not my style.

-Oh, right, so you'll be at the Ritz, then?

See you later.

-Speak soon?

-Yeah.

How could you, Martin? It's like letting the devil in.

Well, he ain't staying, I can promise you that.

If Phil finds out he's there, he's going to come after him.

So don't tell him, then, Ian. I've got it under control.

PHONE CHIMES

Look. Loads more. Huh?

-What are you going to make?

-PHONE CHIMES

Uh-oh!

Mum, that's a proper Christmas tree.

Right, just post it and run.

-You all right, Karen?

-Oh, hello.

-Anything I can help with?

No, we were just... We were just...

Singing carols.

Carols?

Five minutes, Lil.

Here, Stace, look at the size of this.

They're doing carols, look.

Oh, great.

# Away in a manger

# No crib for a bed

# The little lord Jesus lay down his sweet head

# The stars in the bright sky looked down where he lay

# And the Mary...and the Jesus... they laid in the hay. #

-That's really good.

-We've got another verse.

Oh, no, it's all right, we're in a bit of a rush.

And the star of the show, she's throwing a tantrum.

Playing Mary, is she? Your daughter?

Yeah, and my wife's playing the angel.

-Course she is.

-You got any spare change?

No, you're all right. My family don't beg.

Oh, I didn't mean it like that.

MUSIC AND LAUGHTER IN SQUARE

Ollie's in his buggy. You ready?

Next year, I'm telling you, Pearl is going to take the lead.

-She'll be three!

-She's precocious.

Kushy once played Oliver in the school production.

-Oh, all right.

-You didn't?!

-Yeah.

Don't hide your light, Kushy.

"Please, sir, I want some more".

What did you play, Vincent?

What's Oliver?

You sure you'll be OK to cover for a bit?

Yeah, yeah, I'll be fine. I hope Ollie smashes it.

He's only got one line, ain't he?

Yeah, "Baa"!

-Can you flog them?

-What?

The phones. You must know someone who'd buy them off you?

-What's got into you?

-Cos I tried the pawn shop, and

-apparently they're no good to them.

-You were just giving them back?

No, that stuck-up cow don't deserve our sympathy.

Can you do it or not?

Is this a test?

Because if I say, "Yes," are you just going to have a go at me?

What?

We never get nothing decent, do we?

You know, none of you were ever the star of the show.

-What you chatting about?

-I hate Christmas!

-I hate its guts!

-Mum?

Do you know why? Cos it ain't for people like us!

DOOR SLAMS

Chatham? Riley?

-You all right, Abs?

-Hiya.

-You all right, Lauren?

-So what's this plan of yours, then?

Don't be like that. I wanted to... I wanted to see you both.

-What, divide and conquer?

-No. No, I'm glad you're both here.

You're sisters, aren't you? You should stick together. Sit down.

I was hardly going to come on my own, was I?

Not after last night.

Everybody's talking about you.

Look, I'm sorry, all right?

The last thing I wanted to do was to scare you or Louie.

-It wasn't really me, though, was it?

-Well, who was it, then?

I just want to put it all behind me, all right?

I'm going to be different from now on.

What, so we've got our old dad back? It's not really saying much, is it?

I know it's going to take a while for me to prove it to you,

but I will. I swear.

And what's changed?

I don't know.

-Cos he's lying.

-Is this Stacey?

Oh, typical.

Don't really matter, does it? The point is, I know what's important.

I just want to tell you that I love you both.

And Louie, and your little one.

I've heard enough.

Coming?

Lauren...

He gave us no choice.

Come on, boys, open up. I don't care about the phones.

-It's nearly time for the show.

-So?

They really wanted to go.

Will you come out if we all go to the nativity?

Chat? Riley?

Ain't you lying?

Course I ain't lying! Come on, it'll be fun.

Else one of you'll end up with piles.

I'm sorry I upset you.

Both of you.

Come on. We're going to be late.

Oh, do me a favour?

I've been a daft cow.

Post that through Stacey's door.

Take the rest to the police station. Yeah?

You trust me?

KAREN SIGHS

-Great job.

-Thanks, boss!

Oh, Stacey! Great costume. Just come with me.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, yeah, one sec.

What is it?

-You all right, Stace?

-What? What's happened?

I need to get back in the house.

But I'm at the nativity. It's about to start!

Yeah, I've left my wallet.

-Oh, Max!

-Sorry.

Look, can you get back and let me in? It'll only take a minute.

STACEY SIGHS

All right, fine. I'll be ten minutes.

All right, cheers.

-Don't panic, I'll be right back.

-Just tell him to wait.

I thought you wanted to get rid of him?

-Right, well, I'll go back.

-No.

-Why not?

-Because.

Because you'll end up getting into a fight.

Just let me go back. I'll be back in ten minutes, tops.

All right?

-Excuse me.

-Oh, sorry.

Is Mick about?

Oh, you've just missed him. He's gone to his kid's nativity play.

Oh, how sweet.

Are you a mate of his, or...?

Perhaps you could give this to him for me.

-You are...?

-Aidan. And you?

Whitney.

-Pleased to meet you, Whitney. Merry Christmas.

-And you.

All right, be quick.

-Where's the mince pies?

-Over there.

-So what do you think of the scenery?

-You did all that?

It's lovely.

You OK, babe?

No. My angel's gone AWOL!

It ain't up there. Any luck?

Are you kidding me? You lied to get me here?

I wanted to see you.

STACEY SCOFFS

-Max, stop it.

-Stop what?

You know what. I'm not doing this.

-Well, then, why are you here?

-Because of the wallet.

You could have said no. You could have asked me to wait.

Well, you were insistent.

You're bored.

Bored of what?

You know, this - family life.

Every day the same.

Waking up, same bloke. Same voice, same touch.

So what?

So what if I get bored sometimes?

It's called life, Max. It's called being a grown-up.

Not in my book, it ain't.

Yeah, well, that's why yours hasn't got a happy ending.

You used to be so full of life.

What happened to you?

Well, I've got three kids, a husband, and a roof to keep, Max.

That's what happened.

It's still there between us.

That spark.

Stace, I can feel it. I know you can as well.

-You're so full of yourself.

-Stace, don't ignore it.

That's what makes life worth living. That feeling, that rush.

You want to be careful, Max.

I'm the only one who still gives you the time of day.

And why is that?

Well, because...

..I'm a soft touch, probably,

and I care about people more than I should.

Cos you're an angel?

Cos you always do the right thing?

-Cos, well... Cos you're nice?

-Yeah.

Don't lie.

Do you know what? I don't have to listen to this.

Listen, listen... Listen to me.

You don't have to stay cos you're nice.

You should stay cos you're still the same girl you were

all those years ago.

Does Martin hit the spot, does he?

Like I used to?

I thought not.

I've been walking around all evening. Can't stop replaying stuff.

Moments from my childhood.

But I'm seeing it all differently. I'm seeing it through your eyes.

What do I do?

Honestly, Fi?

All that money you got...

..spend it on a shrink.

Is everyone settled? Yeah?

APPLAUSE

So, a warm welcome, ladies and gentlemen.

We hope you will enjoy our Walford Christmas nativity.

And I want you to know that all the kids have worked very hard

to put this on.

And special thanks should go to our very last-minute angel.

Here she is.

APPLAUSE

So enjoy, everyone!

All right. Bear with me. Let's see, eh?

So, Mary, she was in her gaff minding her own,

probably washing Joseph's smalls, when God sent a message.

This isn't in the script!

Now, this ain't a text message, ladies and gentlemen, oh, no.

This is a message from an angel.

-CROWD MURMURS

-Eh? Eh?

Now, the angel comes in, the angel says,

"Don't be afraid - you're preggers!"

Don't be afraid? She should be petrified!

Now, not only has she got Joseph's washing to do,

she's got sleepless nights, dirty nappies,

and now she's got puke all over their Baby-grows.

LAUGHTER