08/01/2018 EastEnders

WHISPERING: Can't we just throw it? It's weird.

-It's rude to whisper.

-All this stuff's nearly out of date.

So eat it, then.

Ben...

-Right.

-We can't just let it all go off.

What are we going to do, eat them or chuck them?

-Abi would go nuts.

-Yeah, but Abi ain't here, is...?

I'm sorry to bring this up, all right,

but the rent's due tomorrow.

-We'll have to cover her, then.

-OK. Well, I can chip in a bit more,

but, I mean, it's tight...

Yeah, well, we can't do that every month. I can't anyway.

So what you saying?

I don't know, Ben. I don't know what I'm saying.

-I'm just saying that we can't afford it.

-We could speak to Max.

-See what he wants us to do.

-That's exactly what he needs right now.

Right, so what, then?

We just carry on as normal,

until...

..until the end.

So what you doing for business these days?

Erm, ice cream.

-Ice cream?

-Mm.

-Nice. What flavour?

-All of them.

-Oh, Mas, come on. It was a joke.

Oh!

-So the flat?

-Yeah, well, it's OK.

-"OK"?

-Mm. I mean, it could do with a lick of paint.

So maybe there's a deal to be done.

No. I've got five other people seeing this today,

yeah? Five tomorrow. I don't need to do any deals.

Yeah, maybe I haven't got time for any more viewings.

All right. I'll take it. Yeah.

It's a month up front and a month's rent. That's two grand.

-Yeah. Cash OK for you?

-Cash is very OK.

OK, well, I'll get it to you in an hour or so.

-Good to have you back, Mas.

-Nice one.

Masood!

Hi, Sonny... Yeah.

Business. Sorry.

Yeah, yeah, of course, yeah.

-Hello, Trace.

-Morning.

Morning, Shirl. Rough night?

Shifts.

Oh. I'm not on it. At all.

-You're not needed here.

-Sorry?

You deaf? No, Marvellous Mick can't save you now.

Him and Linda have gone.

-Gone? Gone where?

-Watford.

And when are they back?

What's that got to do with you?

Please, Shirl, I need this job.

All right, I'll help you out.

Thank you, just a couple of shifts, that's all.

Launderette. They're looking for people,

but don't put me down as a reference.

Big lazy lump says he ain't getting up.

Keanu's properly ill, Mum.

Man flu, more like.

And if he thinks he's having Chatham's bed again tonight,

he's got another think coming.

Any more toast?

We're all out, Ry.

Here you are. Have that, sweetheart.

I'm not hungry.

Anyway, you've got to get a shift on, ain't you?

You've only been at that school five minutes -

don't want detention for being late, do you?

Taylors tradition, ain't it?

-I'm joking. I've got loads of time.

-Argh!

-The water's freezing!

-Leccy again.

I can't go to school without a shower. I'll be minging.

No change there, then.

Maybe Auntie Kandi?

Or you could just get a job.

-THEY LAUGH

-Why's that funny?

It's my turn. Get some bread and milk while you're at it.

And your last slave died of...?

Smelling your BO.

Thanks.

Look, I know you don't want to let her go.

And nor do I, all right?

But, you know, we can't be homeless either.

No.

Well, have you been up the hospital?

I think it'd help, you know. You should say goodbye.

I'll cover Abi's share, all right? I'll pay for all of it.

And how you going to do that?

This place is doing all right.

It ain't for us to say when Abi's gone, bruv.

-I ain't ready.

-OK.

Gone right off that, I tell you.

What's that?

So I just came to see how the house is.

It's great, Masood. Really great.

Top ten New Year's resolutions most people have already broken by today!

-Guess what they are?

-Yeah. Well, so you're settling in OK?

Yes. I've nearly finished unpacking.

Oh, good, very good.

-Number one is drinking alcohol.

-Ah!

So I was just wondering

if you'd like to organise a date for each month.

-You know, for the, er...

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

You know, for the rent that you insisted on.

Because it makes life easier, takes all the hassle away.

-Number two is going to the gym.

-Mmm.

Oh, this is interesting - be less stressed.

THEY LAUGH

Or a standing order if you prefer? Or cash even, you know...

..as you offered. Whatever makes life easier, you know...

Do you need some money, hmm?

What? No. No, Chacha Ji...

..I'm fine.

I mean, there was a hitch with the New Year payroll.

You know, the staff need to get paid.

But it's fine, don't worry about it. I'll deal with it.

What an honourable man you are.

Yes. Yeah, well, the cash flow is down a little but...

Well, I can... I can give you some money today.

What? No, I'll be fine, Chacha Ji, honestly.

-No, I insist.

-No, I insist.

No, I insist!

No, Chacha Ji, I'll be fine.

OK.

Well, you know...

If you don't mind.

Oh.

But you know I'm not asking.

Oh, I know you'd never do that.

I'm offering.

Thank you.

Why don't you just show us around the area?

How about a cup of tea in the cafe?

Oh, no, it tastes like dishwater there.

Nonsense, Masood, you just don't want to splash out on a cuppa.

Chalo. Come on.

I'll get my coat.

Demanding money from me.

No!

-WAILING

-Bex?!

Bex, what's the matter?

It's ruined. It's all ruined.

Is that it? Give it here.

Well, what do you reckon?

Punter must have dropped it.

You don't have punters coming here with cars worth that much,

let alone bracelets. And that must be worth at least five figures.

You've been watching too much Antiques Roadshow, mate.

Morning, guys.

All right.

I'm DCI Alsworth.

And how can I help you?

You work here?

Can see why they made you detective.

Yeah, he works here, yeah.

Could I speak to your boss, please?

I am the boss.

I'm investigating a recent robbery.

Could you tell me where you were between 3pm and 4pm

-on New Year's Day?

-Lying in bed with a stinking hangover.

Yeah, he was. Yeah, we all were.

Aidan or JP Maguire, know him?

No. Why?

Who else has got keys to this place?

Me, my mechanics. That's about it, really.

And have you seen any suspicious activity around here?

What is this all about?

If you hear anything.

-What about?

-Oh, you'd know. Give me a call, will you?

Be worth your while.

That'll be £2.40, please.

Oh, no, no, I'll get this.

Ah, well, that's very kind.

Keep the change.

Thank you, Mas.

-Masood.

-Beale.

Do you know, I heard you were back. And I was hoping it wasn't true.

-Aw, you missed me, then.

-Yeah, I've missed you like piles.

Aren't you going to introduce us?

OK, Uncle Arshad, Auntie Mariam, the infamous Ian Beale.

-Lovely to meet you.

-What do you do, Neil?

-Ian.

Oh, he runs this place and the local chippy. Oh...

Ran, right?

Why is it boarded up?

So you're a businessman. Like Masood.

You're back in business?

-Ice creams.

-Ah!

-What flavour?

-All of them.

Well, let's hope you do better than when you had the Argee Bhajee.

I mean, cos Masood here, he's had more failed businesses than

-I've had...

-Wives?

Can't be much call for ice cream in January.

-Business is thriving, thanks.

-Really, thriving?

Actually, Masood is hosting a little soiree tonight.

-No, I'm not.

-And you must come, Neil.

-Ian.

-I think I've got meetings and...

After the meetings, Masood.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

-Here you go. Your tap water.

-Shh! Shh, shh, shh.

Hello, yes. I'm just calling about the waste management

and disposal technician job you've got advertised.

No, I don't really know what it is.

A bin man, then.

Do you need a driving licence for that?

DIAL TONE

Hello? Hello?

SHE SIGHS

You got any jobs going, Kath? In the cafe. Kath's cafe.

-You see what I done there?

-SHE LAUGHS

Yeah, have you ever worked in a cafe before?

Nah, but, you know,

how hard can it be to make a couple of bacon butties?

A monkey could do it.

Well, I'm sorry, we're not recruiting right now.

-She sacked you?

-Mmm-hmm.

-With no warning period? No real reason?

-No.

Whit, that is like unfair dismissal. You could totally sue them.

Oh, yeah, cos I can afford a solicitor.

I could look into it for you.

All right, Erin Brockovich.

Who?

Oh, now I feel old.

Anyway, I thought you weren't moving back in till next week.

Dad said it was OK. If you're all right with it?

Yeah, of course. It's far too quiet round here anyway.

All right, that should do it.

OK.

That looks so good. How did you know how to do that?

Well, I actually used to design my own.

I had a stall and everything.

Well, you should be doing that, then - not pulling pints.

Nah, been there, done that...

I wouldn't know where to start now anyway.

The market?

-I say we just leave it.

-Listen, The Arches is in your name now, right?

If Phil has done something dodgy, then you're implicated, mate.

Like it or not.

The least he can do is tell you what you're messed up in.

KNOCKS ON DOOR

-Jay, I was just off out.

-Where's Phil, Sharon?

Do you want to tell me what the hell you think you're doing?

Show her, Ben.

Now we want answers, Sharon.

I can see you, Masood.

I've dropped a coin.

Well, I don't see one.

Deposit.

I haven't had a chance to do the leaving inspection yet.

I left that house cleaner than I found it, Mas.

So come on, cough up.

After the inspection.

Fine...but just get it done, OK?

-He ain't here.

-I ain't lying, Jay.

-So where is he?

-Italy.

-Weren't you supposed to be going with him?

I had to sort out Denny. We're meeting later in the week.

-And what about that?

-What about it?

-Well, it's worth a fortune.

-Jay's an expert all of a sudden.

-And you don't seem that bothered, Sharon.

And you don't want to touch it. Why's that? Cos you don't want

-to get your prints all over it?

-Do you know where it came from?

Come on, then.

How did it get into The Arches, Sharon?

-I can't tell you.

-Sharon!

I just...I just think it's better if you don't know.

-OK?

-See no evil and all that.

-Yeah.

-Right, well, Ben wants his cut, then.

-What?

-Well, he's involved, ain't he? So come on, fair's fair.

-This ain't funny, Sharon.

-Do I look like I'm laughing?!

I want my share, Sharon.

There isn't any money!

Look, your dad was double-crossed, OK?

Someone took the cash, the jewellery.

It's the truth.

So Phil's messed up, gone away and left him up to his neck in it.

What, for a few quid?

Once again showing exactly what he thinks of me.

Ben, it wasn't like that.

Sharon...

..it's always like that.

DOOR CLOSES

There's not much demand for T-shirts right now, Whit.

Tell you what, you come back and see me in the summer time, yeah?

Yeah? Thank you.

Donna...

Donna!

Would you be interested in an exclusive clothing range?

Like T-shirts and that. I make 'em, you flog 'em.

Yeah, sounds great.

Brilliant! I'll come up with some designs tonight and...

I'd want a 60% cut, though.

You having a laugh?

Take it or leave it.

Kush, would you look after the stall for a bit?

Oi!

We don't need no asylum seekers squatting round here, thanks.

So jog on, mate.

-Excuse me?

-Go on, back to wherever you came from.

-Hampstead.

-What?

New staff, eh? I thought some poncey suit owned this gaff.

He did. But now it's ours again.

And you're trespassing.

So jog on, mate.

So on a scale of one to ten -

the chances of me getting an interview would be...?

Masood!

I forgot the dessert.

Oh, Masood, go and get some of your ice cream.

-I...

-Go, go, go!

PHONE MESSAGE ALERT

DOOR SLAMS You all right?

-What's all this?

-Lauren called.

There's a family photo they're looking for.

They're on the back of a donkey in Blackpool or something.

-I'll check Abi's room.

-No!

If anyone's going through her stuff, it should be me.

Right. OK.

-It's about time.

-Well, I've done the inspection,

and there are some issues.

-Issues?

-Mmm.

Yeah...

There's some stains on the carpet and... Coffee, I think.

They'll all need replacing.

There were no stains when I left that house.

Yeah, and peeling wallpaper, and some damage to the bathroom.

I've got proof. So, once I assess the damage and do the repairs,

then I can really tell you how much deposit you're due back,

but between you and me...

..I don't think it'll be much.

There were no coffee stains, Mas. No damage.

So either your auntie and uncle have been wreaking havoc,

or you're trying to swindle me out of my deposit.

Carmel...

Why don't you come to my little soiree tonight,

have a drink, and relax,

and maybe we can come to some sort of arrangement?

SHE LAUGHS

You know what, I am sick of men trying to take advantage.

-Oh, Carmel...

-No.

So, if you don't give me my deposit back in the next 20 minutes,

I will phone my good friend on the Walford Gazette,

and make sure that tomorrow's paper has your face

splashed across its front page under the headline "Slum Landlord".

Now, how's that for an arrangement?

Thank you.

Business has been good, then.

Hmmm, thriving.

What? What do you think I am?

Begging, really?

-Might not be long.

-Things that bad?

You lot were right, I can't get a flipping job anywhere.

Remember what you always tell us - if you're going to go down,

go down swinging.

You'll figure it out, Mum. You always do.

Oi, been trying to call you.

Yeah, my phone's on the blink.

PHONE RINGS

-Hmmm.

-Oh!

Do you want this flat or what?

You know, the thing is...

..I've found somewhere else.

Yeah, penthouse. Hoxton.

You know, duplex, hot tub...

-I've been holding this for you.

-We didn't sign anything.

You're wasting my time.

I think there's some photos in there.

Ah, tequila slammers.

Do you remember that night?

Forgot we half-inched these. Man, we were smashed.

And she puked all over Jay's new trainers. He was so angry.

Yeah, that's right.

Never could handle her drink, could she?

Right little Lucy lightweight.

It ain't in here anyway.

Chuck us that bag.

You know she'd hate this, right,

us going through her personal things?

-She wouldn't mind.

-Yes, she would!

I'm sorry, Don, but if Lauren wants that photo,

she can come and find it herself.

We ain't touching any more of Abi's stuff, right?

You must have something for me.

Well, I've been in business before, Sean,

I've got loads of experience.

Yeah.

Oh, look, I'll call you back.

And when I do, make sure you've got something for me.

Ice cream!

Your auntie's having kittens over there.

-PHONE RINGS Is it ringing?

-Yeah, shh!

Oh, hello.

Is that Mr Apopopo...

..poodle, please?

Yes, my name's Karen Taylor, and I'm ringing about the assistant's

position on Albert Square.

Oh, yes, I've worked in launderettes all my life.

9:30 tomorrow morning would be splendid.

OK, see you then.

Ta-ta.

THEY LAUGH

Only gone and bagged a job interview, ain't I!

The thing is, the geezer you mouthed off to is only going to

-recognise you.

-It's all right, bit of slap, posh frock -

-I won't even recognise myself!

-SHE LAUGHS

-Hey, Whit.

-Hey.

I've just been on the phone to my brother.

Which made you come sit in the dark and cold?

He's got this mate, Scottish Dan.

He's got a couple of empty shop units and, well,

he said I could have one.

-Mates rates.

-That sounds amazing!

-Yeah. In Wakefield.

-Where?

Well, I'd have to move.

You said no, right?

Whit, you can't leave.

-Walford's your home.

-Is it?

What's really left here for me, Bex?

-Aw, shall I get the violin out?

-Shut up.

It's an adventure. It's a new start.

Vanilla?!

That's all I could get at such short notice.

My parties are not all vanilla parties.

You said "all flavours".

Where's the Pakistani flare, huh? Rose water, mango, pistachio?

Kulfi, Masood.

-Proper kulfi.

-It'll be fine. It will be fine.

Oh, I don't want just fine!

What are you doing?

She blames me for spilling coffee. I swear I didn't, of course.

Oh, let me help.

Oh, and Mariam's found some more problems with the house.

-You know, carpets rolled up. Wallpaper peeling off.

-Hmmm.

We didn't notice it before, but you can get it fixed.

Shouldn't cost you too much.

Yeah. No problem.

So, Masood, I thought you could start with a speech.

-A speech?

-Yes. My entrepreneur nephew.

-No, I... I really...

-So that's sorted, huh?

DOORBELL RINGS

-They're early!

-Oh, excuse me.

Oh, Neil. Masood, it's your friend, Neil.

-Hello, Ian.

-Ian. Thank you.

Welcome.

-Make yourself comfortable.

-Thank you.

It's not much of a bash, is it? I would have thought

with all your new-found wealth, we'd have had champagne and caviar.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Welcome, everybody. Welcome.

-Hi, Masood.

-Hi.

-Good to see you!

-Thank you so much.

-Masood.

-Kush.

How is Shabnam? I haven't heard from her in a while.

-Yeah, she's good. She's really, really happy.

-Good.

Sit, sit, everybody, please. Make yourself comfortable.

Food is on its way.

So, no Zainab, then?

-No. Masood came back all on your own, didn't you?

-Yeah.

-And how's Jane doing, Ian?

-Just saw the Taylors on

their way over. Think they're bringing doggy bags.

Yeah, and Kim and Pearl, they won't be long either, will they?

Oh, listen, everyone - be very careful, yeah,

do not spill your drinks.

We don't want to ruin the carpet, do we, Mas?

You know, I think I need to pop out for a minute.

-But it's your party!

-We just got...

No, excuse me. Sorry.

It's business.

Look how cheap the houses are!

Yorkshire?

This one, garden.

Like up north, Yorkshire?

Yeah. It's only a couple of hours on the train.

SHE SIGHS

I was kind of looking forward to us being roomies.

I've always wanted a big sis.

Bex, you can visit me whenever you want.

-When you've got your own T-shirt empire?

-Yeah.

DOORBELL RINGS

DOOR CLOSES

Whit, someone's here to see you.

This place is worse than I remembered. Hashtag "what a dump".

All right, sis?

TRAIN RUMBLES BY

DOG BARKS