09/01/2018 EastEnders

HE SIGHS

BANG ON DOOR

HE SIGHS

Hiya, I've got a delivery for you.

Just need you to sign here for me, please.

-Great, have a nice day.

-Yeah, you too.

CREAKING

HE MOANS

CREAKING CONTINUES

HE SIGHS

CLATTERING

CREAKING

-Come on!

-Come on!

LAUGHTER

RINGING TONE

Mr Hawkin?

Hi, erm...my name's Stephen Douglas.

No, no. No, we haven't met.

Listen, I've... I've got a bit of business to put your way.

-What's that?

-Research.

Do what?

I printed it off at school.

Everything you ever need to know about detergents, spin cycles...

What's the point? She ain't got a hope, anyway.

Course I have!

Right, you told him to get back to where he came from,

you called him an asylum seeker,

and then you told him to sling his hook.

He's giving Mum an interview, isn't he?

Yeah, but only because she made him think that she was someone else.

The minute he sees it's you, you're dead.

Maybe.

Ain't lying down yet, though.

Here...have you tried getting in that bathroom this morning?

-She's been in there for the last hour at least.

-I'll have a word.

What I don't understand is why she's even here.

I thought you were supposed to be going off to Wakefield.

Please tell me you're not leaving her here with me.

No, of course not.

Right. Cos I ain't that desperate for company.

Look, I'll, erm... I'll talk to her, all right? I'll explain.

I couldn't do it last night, you know,

she's turned up for a surprise visit -

I can't just say, "Get on the next train home," can I?

-OK.

-Morning!

Afternoon.

Come on!

Huh? Where we going?

I've been dreaming of this for months.

What?

Ah! Oh, no!

You missed a great party.

Er...yeah. Business, Chacha Ji, business.

Well, if you've come to fix the wallpaper

or to clean up the coffee stain...

..I've already seen to it.

Oh, right. Er...

Ooh... Something smells nice.

Landlord's inspection.

-What?

-Didn't I tell you?

Oh, yeah.

Regulations, red tape, it's the curse of the small entrepreneur.

Yeah, you know, I've just got to make sure

everything's shipshape and Bristol fashion.

-Bristol fashion...?

-Yeah. It's a figure of speech.

-Morning, Chacha Ji.

-What's wrong with you?

-Mm?

-You look as though you slept in those clothes.

Er... No, no, I've been up for hours. I...

I've been taking care of all my businesses, you know?

Ice-cream vans...

Landlords' inspections usually take place BEFORE the tenant arrives,

don't they?

Did you actually shower this morning?

Yes, I told you, I've been rushing here, rushing there...

Yeah, I haven't even had time for breakfast.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Yes, I'll be there.

-She's here.

-Oh!

Right on time!

Who is?

Hello, Daisy!

THEY CHUCKLE

Come! Welcome home!

I, er... I usually do valuations at the shop.

Yeah, well, anyone can walk in down there, can't they?

What, you don't want no prying eyes?

No, these have got sentimental value.

I didn't want any old punter walking in, copping an eyeful.

Seems disrespectful.

Let's take a look.

Sentimental value, you say?

Yes.

My old auntie, God rest her soul. They were all hers.

Lady of taste, eh?

Yeah?

I mean...

..yeah.

Careful lady, too, was she?

How do you mean?

Kept all the receipts?

Oh.

That's the thing - she was a bit forgetful about that sort of thing.

Well, a lot of old people are, aren't they?

Not just old people.

I take it this is a cash transaction?

Depends how much.

I could maybe stretch to ten.

Ten grand?

You want more?

A lot more.

OK.

You find me those receipts, I'm more than happy to revise my offer.

WOLF WHISTLE

Zip it!

What's a few pieces of paper matter, hmm?

These are the real deal, aren't they?

Definitely.

The problem is the people I can sell to.

With a receipt, I can sell to anyone.

Without a receipt...

..I can only sell to a certain type of customer.

No questions asked.

OK.

Ten it is.

But I keep this.

Hello...?

I'm in the office.

I'm here for the interview.

Oh, yes.

Oh, no.

Just listen...

I don't.

Not to racists.

That wasn't personal.

You weren't talking to me?

I... I didn't think you was you, that's... That's the point.

What?

I was being, er...

..public-spirited.

Are you from some sort of home, or something?

Er... We've had all sorts rooting round these empty places

the last few months, and, er...

..well, a few of us have decided that we ain't having it no more, yeah,

so we've started these regular patrols, you know,

like, checking up on places.

That's what I was doing yesterday.

Making sure your business was safe.

How do I know that you're the owner?

I mean, I ain't even met you before, have I?

So why didn't you say all this then?

Well... I'm explaining it now, ain't I?

Still don't excuse you telling me to go back to where I came from.

I...meant Hampstead.

Look, I'm working FOR you.

Not against you.

Yeah?

So now we got that clear,

how's about seeing if I can, you know,

start working for you properly?

Thank you!

Mm!

Taste that grease!

SHE CHUCKLES

Ain't they got grease in Milton Keynes?

Even the cows up there are plastic.

THEY CHUCKLE

I've so missed this place, you know.

Yeah. I will, and all.

What?

I'm moving, Tiff.

I'm leaving Walford.

Where are you going?

Wakefield.

It's Yorkshire.

Wait, so when's all this happening?

Well, that's sort of the point.

Erm... Soon as I can manage.

Obviously it won't be straight away, not with you turning up.

But it'll probably have to be tomorrow or the day after that.

Tiff, look, I don't want you to think I'm just kicking you out,

cos I ain't, you know? I've...

You've got plans.

Yeah.

Can't just change them cos of me.

Still, we've got a couple of days, haven't we?

Mum...

Erm...

I'm going away for a few days.

Where?

Er...visit Courtney.

That's a bit sudden, isn't it?

Yeah, well, it's a spur-of-the-moment sort of thing, you know?

And you're going to visit Courtney?

Yeah, I ain't seen her in ages.

Well, what about the Arches?

I've got it covered.

So, who are you really going to see?

-What? I...

-You haven't mentioned Courtney in months,

now all of a sudden you can't wait to dash off and see her?

It... It's not Luke, is it?

I mean, he ain't fed you some old sob story, has he?

I just want to get away.

After everything that's happened lately, I...

I just need to get my head straight.

But, erm...

..before I go, I...

HE SIGHS

Er...

Saw it out on the market.

Ben...!

Thought of you.

Oh!

-Now, don't get too excited - they ain't real.

-Oh!

Thank you!

So what's it for?

Does there have to be a reason?

Can't I buy my old mum a present now and again?

Oi, you, less of the old!

You have a nice time, yeah?

Ben...?

What, I can't give my old mum a kiss, neither?

-I told you...!

-I know, I know.

Less of the old.

SHE CHUCKLES

You said on the phone you had years of experience.

Or was that just as fake as your accent?

I've got more than just experience.

Four boys, two girls, that's what I've got.

Let's start with the boys, shall we?

Growing lads with bits.

Do I need to spell it out?

I've had to deal with every sort of stain you can imagine,

and some you just don't even want to.

You know, most people would have chucked the old clobber out,

got new, but I didn't.

I rescued it, got it back to as fresh as they came,

straight out the catalogue.

And then there's the girls. Huh...

That's a whole new set of horror stories.

The stories I could tell you about them...

Maybe we could skip that bit.

But it's the same thing, innit?

Issues, problems.

I've dealt with it, I've bought the T-shirt,

and I washed it after that, and all.

You know, I can fluff, I can fold,

I know my detergents from my conditioners,

my larges from my smalls, my whites from my colours - no offence -

and my quick spins from my blow dries.

So...

..any questions?

When do you want me to start'd be a good one.

Is that the tree, then?

Yeah?

Huge tree!

So you've had Daisy before?

-Mm.

-Oh.

I've got this.

She would have been here earlier, too,

but the social worker had to check the place out first.

I mean, that's why I had to re-hang the wallpaper, and, er...

..you know, clean up the coffee stain, and...

Anyway...

-What?

-..don't let us hold you up.

-What?

-Well, shouldn't you be finishing your inspection now?

Oh, I haven't even started yet.

Since that one turned up, my goodness!

Can't take my eyes off her.

She reminds me of Tamwar when he was that age.

Yes, apart from her colour, her race

and the fact that she's a girl.

Yeah, apart from that.

Do you know, I don't believe it!

-Ohh!

-What?

I haven't got any curly fries!

Curly fries?

Just imagine what your Chachi Ji will say! Huh?

She will say...

.."How could you forget to bring Daisy's favourite curly fries?!"

Oh...

Well, I can get some for you.

The Minute Mart are bound to have them.

Shouldn't you be starting your inspection?

That will keep.

Mm.

-Well?

-In the bag!

-You got it?

-As good as.

So you ain't got it?

No, I will, though. He just needs a bit of time to think about it.

I'm telling you, he's on the ropes. No going back.

Every question he asked, I answered.

Even answered questions he didn't ask,

and some he hadn't even thought of.

So what about you calling him an asylum seeker?

Oh! Misunderstanding.

"We don't need no asylum seekers squatting round here."

Yeah! We had a good laugh about that.

-Mwah!

-What was that for?

-A little thank you.

-Thank you for what?

For all his disgusting little habits.

Knew all that'd come in handy one day.

Handy!

SHE LAUGHS

So...

..where did you get to last night?

Business.

-Really?

-Mm.

-At that time?

Well, when opportunity knocks...

So, erm...what line of business are your aunt and uncle into, then?

-What?

-Well...

..earlier on, I saw a young kid going into the house.

Right, well, I'm not being a nosey parker, or nothing, just...

Just a good citizen.

-A good citizen?

-Yeah.

Well, you see a young kid being rushed into a strange house

with two people who obviously ain't the parents...

Makes you wonder.

Oh.

Well, it's something of a mission of theirs.

-A what?

-Mm.

Something they've been doing for years.

Oh, go on.

Yeah, I want to book myself on the first sailing,

going tomorrow morning.

Yeah.

HE SIGHS

HE CHUCKLES

-DOOR OPENS

-You had a bit of bother here?

All right.

Got them.

-Got what?

-The fries.

How could you have forgotten to bring Daisy's favourite fries?

Oh! Well, we've got them now.

No, we haven't!

Chacha Ji?

These are crinkle cuts, not curls.

-What?!

-Look!

And that's important because...?

All right, I'll go and change them. I'll be back in five minutes.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Yes, could you hold on just a second, please?

Arshad, you go and change them - the poor child's waited long enough.

-WHISPERS:

-Social services.

-Oh.

Hello?

You help Daisy with her picture.

Yes, she's settled back in just fine.

You lied to me! You let me go off on one yesterday to Sharon.

I must have looked a right mug.

I mean, how did you even find where all that stuff was?

Dad's been acting weird for ages. It was obvious something was going on.

And remember the day Maguire marched through the funeral parlour

like he owned the place?

I thought...put myself in Billy's shoes...

What's a nice, quiet place to hide something?

Oh, and there's nothing much quieter than a coffin, is there?

But it still don't explain how you got in there.

Oh.

Yeah, of course you took my keys, didn't you?

I borrowed them.

If it hadn't have been me, it would have been one of them.

They're a bunch of snakes, Jay.

One of them would have been bound to turn the others over.

So you thought you'd turn THEM over instead?

I ain't doing it for me, that's the difference.

-Well, you're the one who's got his hot, sticky little fingers all over this.

-It's for Dad.

HE SIGHS

After the year he's had, if one of them

had it on their toes with his money, it probably would have killed him.

So, I'm just going to sit on this, you know...

Do nothing.

Go nowhere.

And when the heat's died down and they've all left town,

with any luck...

..especially that Maguire maniac...

..then he gets it back.

You are playing with fire here.

-If that Maguire finds out...

-How can he?

Only you and me know, and I ain't going to tell him.

Well...

..least, I hope it's only me and you.

Oh, and what's that supposed to mean?

Who bust that door open?

I don't know.

-Ain't the first time the place has been broken into, is it?

-Yeah.

Maybe it was a chancer, you know?

Saw the place was empty, tried to nick a few tools. I don't know.

-I keep getting this feeling, as well.

-What feeling?

Like I'm being watched.

Yeah, well, maybe, just maybe, that's a guilty conscience.

-BEN SIGHS

-And I wonder why, eh?

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

PHONE RINGS

-Hello? ON PHONE:

-Hi, Martin, it's Bianca.

Oh... That's a blast from the past.

How are you, Bianca?

I'm great, ta, Mart, how are you?

Yeah, not bad.

Is Whit there?

No, no, she's... She's just popped out with Tiff, erm...

You can get her on her mobile, have you got her number?

I've been trying for the past hour, I can't get through.

Yeah, they've probably gone up west or something.

Martin, listen...

I hate to do this, I really do, but can you tell Whit I need a favour?

JS Packaging.

Southern Services.

I Googled you.

You were sacked from both organisations.

-That was years ago, before Chatham and Riley.

-The second time for assaulting the manager.

He tried it on, dirty little todger, asked for it, he did.

He tried cutting my hours.

He's the manager - he probably had good reason.

One week before Christmas.

Even so.

I'd promised Keanu this computer game, yeah?

I was banking on them extra hours.

All I could see was his little face at Christmas,

coming down and realising that Santa had blown him out.

That still doesn't justify assault.

Assault?

-SHE SCOFFS

-No.

I followed him into the khazi, yeah? He thought he'd be safe there.

He locked himself in one of them cubicles,

so I picked up a loo brush,

told him I'd stick it where the sun didn't shine

if he didn't change his mind.

Well, he went straight to...

What do you call it? Er...HR, that's it.

Told them I assaulted him.

I mean, I only threatened him with a brush.

If I'd known I could've got done for that,

I would have gone the whole hog

and flushed his stupid bald head down the bog.

Not helping myself here, am I?

-SHE SIGHS

-Look, I know I'm no saint, yeah?

If you Google me, you'll find a list of people that don't like me

as long as your arm.

But I will work for you till I drop, cos I need this job,

and my family need me to get this job, too, cos...

Well, if you're taking me on, yeah, you're taking them on, as well.

Cos if, like, I can't get here, say in the morning, yeah,

well, they'll be here till I sort it,

so not only are you taking on one person,

you're taking on four at least.

But...

..you're still only paying for one, so, for me,

that actually seems like a right old bargain.

-HE SIGHS

-What is it about you, Ms Taylor?

Karen.

I start every conversation thinking, "No. No way."

-And then I just...

-Then what? You end up thinking, "Yes"?

-Well, I've not actually said yes.

-You ain't exactly said no, either.

HE SIGHS

Right, er...

What shall we do now?

Want some toast?

Er...

You hungry?

I am!

How about...I make you some boiled eggs and some soldiers?

CAT MEOWS OUTSIDE

-CAT MEOWS

-Pussy! Here, pussy!

CAT PURRS

Oh, Whit, Bianca rang.

What? When did she call?

-Couple of hours ago.

-Why didn't she call me?

Well, she said she tried but she couldn't get through.

And did she say how long the school's going to be closed for?

Yeah, till the end of the week.

Look, I did explain about your move,

and she said if you had to go, then she'd understand, it's just...

Tiff can't be left on her own all day, yeah.

Yeah, she sounded pretty desperate.

Well...

..I suppose it's only a couple of days.

Yeah.

-Keanu still in bed?

-Yeah. Staying there, too.

Mum's going to start asking a load of questions before long, you know.

-I told him that. He said he don't care.

-DOOR OPENS

So, as long as no-one else does...

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

And...?

KAREN SIGHS

It don't matter.

There's loads of other jobs.

Well, you can all do your own washing from now on.

Cos I'm going to have my hands full doing everyone else's!

-You got it?

-Yeah!

THEY LAUGH

Right, shall we, er...? Shall we feed him?

There we go.

Now...

..maybe we can have a snack for ourselves.

DOORBELL RINGS

Masood, can you get the door?

I'm still on the phone.

CAT MEOWS

Oh, you forgot your keys.

ARSHAD LAUGHS

Ah...you still here?

Yeah, Daisy and I are getting along like a house on fire.

She's made a new friend.

We found a cat outside the back door.

Never mind the cat, where...?

Where's Daisy?

I want to book myself on the first sailing tomorrow.

No, no, it's just one way.

Mm-hmm.

OK, so if I ain't got a car, I don't need to book.

OK.

All right. Yeah, see you tomorrow.

Oh...

Sorry, love, if you're looking for a service, we're chocka,

we ain't going to fit you in today.

Nice to be back.