25/01/2018 EastEnders

Let's go out with a bang, yeah?

Oi!

Sonia kicked you out, has she?

You just need to get on with your life, Stace.

My whole life is in that house.

We could always kidnap her and take her with us to the bedsit.

Maybe Mick and Linda wouldn't notice.

# Should I stay or should I go now...? #

Watford ain't the other side of the world, is it?

Might as well be.

# If I go there will be trouble... #

Right.

We'd best get set up downstairs.

What's the point? Fi's going to be taking over at one.

We've still got a couple of hours.

Spread the word. It's half price on all drinks.

You sure?

Today's not about profit.

It's the last day of the Vic being a pub.

Come on, baby. Walkies.

-Wait for me.

-Yeah. I'll go online and spread the word.

Thank you, Sausage.

Halfway?

Halfway.

Did you sort things with Whitney?

I got her to see I wasn't proposing, I think so.

-You pull a ring on a girl, it's a natural assumption.

-Yeah.

-You ain't seen it anywhere, have you? I can't remember where I put it.

-No.

It looked really expensive.

Oh, no, it's not real.

Imagine giving a bird a ring that big if it was real?

Well, you never know, it could be the real deal.

You can? Lovely.

Cheers, Joey. Listen, there's a drink in it for you. Just...

..keep it low, cos I don't want anyone knowing.

Sweet.

Sorry, what's her name?

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Yeah, all right, well, can you put me through to her?

Well, I don't know, like, now.

Just thought I'd pop round to see how you are.

Yes, yes, I'll hold.

Is she still out there?

Looks like she slept out there all night.

You can call it all the fancy names under the sun.

We all know she's got problems and I'm going to use that in court.

Do you think that's a good idea?

Social Services are on the phone and they know all about her.

What have you said to them?

Well, nothing yet, why?

What are you doing?

I'm saving you from yourself.

Look, I'm doing what I need to do.

No, what you need is more time.

I shouldn't have said all those things about Stacey.

You've been good together.

Maybe you should be fighting, save your marriage.

You've got to want to fight for it, though, ain't you?

You can't go through life being useless at everything, Bernie!

Just stick them at the bottom of the washing and maybe he won't notice.

Course he's going to notice!

Soon as he puts them on he's going to notice!

Well, yeah, but that might not.

Love, we can't rely on him getting Alzheimer's between now

and when he puts his shirt on!

No, we just got to hope he don't complain to Poppa Poodle.

He won't, will he?

If he does I can kiss ta-ra to my job.

And you, come on, get ready for school!

I don't want you suspended an' all!

-All right, Kath.

-Hello, Sonia.

-Tea, please.

-Sonia...

-You lay a finger on me, I'll have you for assault!

-No, no, no.

I saw you go into the house earlier. I just want to know how my kids are.

Yeah, yeah, they're good.

-Lily showed me a little dance routine she's put together.

-Yeah?

Stace, I think you've got to stop hounding the house.

Sonia, that's my home.

-It's the kids I feel sorry for.

-Yeah.

I can't take much more of this.

I haven't seen my kids for three days.

No, I didn't think of him.

Why, what can he do?

Well, that might work.

Yeah, so... I've been making a list,

-writing down all the things that she's done wrong.

-Right.

Like taking Arthur up on the roof.

She was ill!

Yeah, and she could get ill again, and then what?

She's a ticking time bomb, mate.

-Those kids are just not safe.

-Oh, come on.

Look, I just don't want you getting involved, y'know, all worked up.

I thought you was going to have a heart attack.

-The doctor said I'm fine.

-Good.

Can't lose you on top of everything else.

Right, if you get out a restraining order,

it's the kids that are going to suffer. And you need to think of them.

-All I'm doing is thinking of the kids!

-They must miss her, right?

Yeah, like they missed me when she took them off.

-But she didn't think of my feelings, did she?

-No, don't fight dirty.

Mate, come on, that's not you.

It's always the mother, isn't it, that gets the custody?

I've done nothing wrong.

She's the one who's broken everything.

I gave her everything.

Lily and Arthur, I've brought them up like they were me own.

-Yeah, I know.

-I can't lose them.

If you fight dirty, then you're going to hate yourself.

What, you think I should let her see them?

Yes, well, at least it will show the courts that you're reasonable, mate.

All right, but it has to be supervised.

Otherwise she'll be on a train straight to Brighton with them.

Good. Good man.

Ryan? It's Stacey.

No, Lily's fine.

Well, sort of.

Look, I need your help.

I hear all booze is half price at the Vic today.

I wouldn't know. I don't work there any more.

Man of your talents is wasted there anyway.

Glad you can see I've got some talents.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I clocked them straight off.

Oi.

-Hi, Masood.

-Ted.

I've come for the washing. You said it would be ready this morning.

And it is. Most of it.

You never told me how cheap your shirts were.

I beg your pardon!

Like I said. Cheap rubbish.

I've had this shirt for years. It's been ironed hundreds of times!

Yeah, ironed till it's tissue thin!

Cor blimey!

You've ruined the lot! Joyce'll go doolally.

There's nothing a spot of bleach won't fix.

Who's your boss?

Let's not be hasty.

Wash, dry, iron. That's what you said.

Not total destruction!

Now, I demand to see whoever it is who's in charge of this place!

No, you can't! Y'know, I shouldn't be doing the ironing, yeah?

This is a sideline. The guy who runs this place ain't got a Scooby.

Well, it's not my fault, is it?!

I'm sure you can come to some arrangement.

Look, I'm a student of human nature.

Clearly you've been aggrieved

but you don't want her to lose her job, do you?

Over a few shirts?

Maybe she can offer you some compensation.

Yeah, course.

Well, these are... They WERE my best shirts, and like I say,

Joyce is not going to be happy about it.

Still, I suppose a bit of compensation would help.

Yeah, OK, that's 50 quid for the shirts and 20 for my anguish.

Three, two, one...

open!

Oh, here she is, Vodka Vonnie, look, bang on cue.

Aww. I can't believe it.

Yes, it's a sad day.

No, no. Today it's about focusing on the positives

cos we still own her for a couple of hours.

-So you get the booze down you, all right?

-All right,

-so rum half price, then?

-Everything.

-I want this place licked dry, Patrick.

-All right. Yeah, man.

Ain't that Joey the Wig?

Oh, yeah. Look, they're coming from all over the gaff, ain't they?

Joey the Wig, as I live and breathe.

Where's the old syrup?

Oh, I ditched it.

My new wife likes me like this.

-Oh, yeah?

-She's Thai.

-Ooh, lovely.

You'd think being married to a girl 40 years younger

would be rejuvenating. I'll be in my grave before Easter.

Ooh. Yeah. Do you want a whisky?

You're a life-saver.

You're going to have a full house.

Yeah, hope so.

-Have you found your ring?

-No.

I think someone must have nicked it.

There's too many dishonest people in this world.

Now, that can't be a real diamond, can it? But I just thought maybe that the little ones were.

And I'm going to be straight with you. I need a big chunk of money

as I'm losing this gaff in a couple of hours.

Well...

Yeah, go on, go on.

Don't tease me, will you?

-Well, the halo stones are real.

-Yeah?

But the big centre stone...

I wouldn't like to say.

-What do you mean?

-Well, I need a second opinion.

How do you feel about me borrowing it for a couple of hours?

Oh, what, so you reckon it could be real, then, yeah?

Or it could be a very good copy.

But as I say, the halo are real.

I reckon you'd get about, well...

In your own time. In your own time.

-20,000.

-20,000!

Really?

So if the little ones are real, the big one's got to be kosher, innit?

Not necessarily.

You give a woman a ring, very often she'll have the big stone copied,

pocket the cash and you're none the wiser.

Men don't think that way, but women...

I need you to be lively.

Cos like I said, time is not my best friend today. All right?

Hi!

Oh...

You OK?

Hello!

It's not even midday.

We're showing our support.

Making the best of the place before the developers move in.

Yeah, well, we're not having more than one.

Play it by ear, eh?

I know it's drinks half price

but we've not budgeted to drink in the morning.

Joyce, I'm coming into a bit of money so we can splash out a bit.

What do you mean "coming into a bit of money"?

White wine and a whisky, please.

Edward!

Well, don't you want a white wine?

Mick?

Halfway's ring.

Oh, Mick, no...

I know, I know.

Look, I just got Joey the Wig to have a pipe at it.

He reckons it could be worth 20 grand.

Maybe more.

Halfway said it was fake.

Well, I think I'd trust a jeweller over an army chef, don't you?

I'm just thinking 20 bags might hold Fi off for a bit.

But it's Halfway's money.

Only if he finds out.

Wow! Yeah, well done.

That's brilliant.

And you, Lil, look at that.

You and Martin are getting divorced, aren't you?

No, course not.

Alisha's parents got divorced and she never sees her daddy any more.

That's sad.

But I still want to see Martin.

You will. I promise.

Can't you find it in your heart to forgive her?

I don't want to, Auntie Kath.

Not any more.

Let me get you a cup of tea.

Dadda.

Dadda. Dadda. Dadda.

Dadda. Dadda.

I know your game.

Hmm?

Coming over all reasonable, everyone's mate.

But you know I ain't got 70 quid.

-You're waiting for Mr Grumbles to tell Mr...

-Papadopolous.

Yeah.

And then I'll lose my job.

I'll get the boot and you'll swoop in

and this whole place'll be full of Bollywood tunes.

I'm not interested in stepping into your overalls.

I've had offers.

I might be taking a position in the chip shop.

SHE SNORTS

Head batterer?

No, you don't fool me.

You're after my job and you're trying to keep me sweet

cos the job's not the only thing you fancy.

SHE CLICKS HER TONGUE

-You're crafty.

-You're deluded.

If you hadn't taken on this ironing on the side

you wouldn't be in this mess, would you?

All right?

Think I'll go stay with a mate.

Get out of your hair with the move and everything.

Right.

I'll only be in the way here. So...

I don't suppose you leaving

has anything to do with a certain young treacle, has it?

Yes. Shame that didn't work out

but I'm not giving up on Whitney.

It's like mastering walnut cake. Take you ages to crack it.

That's the spirit.

Anyway...

Good luck.

I hope Watford works out for you.

Halfway!

Wow. Look at that.

20 grand!

Yeah.

Now, I know I had a moment of madness.

I've had quite a few, to be fair.

And I know I've took a liberty.

I was going to ring Fi.

You know, I was going to try and buy meself a bit of time.

Do it.

What?

I thought it was fake.

I never would have nicked it if I knew it was worth that much.

What?

It weren't locked up or nothing.

It just fell out of a box.

You mean it was from the heist?

Look, I don't want something worth so much.

You have it.

It'll make up for me shooting you

and you being such a decent bloke to me over the years.

Other people only saw the bad, but you only saw the good.

I want you to have it and that's that.

Seriously?

Ring Fi.

She ain't going to turn her nose up at 20 grand, is she?

You know, when my name was above the door,

I had a photo of Mum and Dad hanging in the same place you had this.

Tell Phil if he comes over in the morning he can have her bell as well.

Linda, I can't believe it's come to this.

Did you know this was going to be called The Balmoral

-when it was built?

-No.

An old brewery rep told me.

Funny, though, I can never see it as anything else but the Vic.

There used to be a snug over there.

Ian's gran used to bang on about, "It was just for the ladies."

And my dad hated it cos the old girls would

be tapping their coins on this bar for service.

They loved having him at their beck and call.

There'll be a few people turning in their graves today.

DOOR OPENS

Hang on a minute, Sharon.

Well, no, this is the thing. What it is,

as I give you a little down payment, and of course I'll...

I'll pay you the rest of what I owe and...

Well, yeah, I know you've been very, very patient.

Yes, you have, and...

I know your hands are tied, I know that.

Well, OK, well... I'm sorry I bothered you.

Mick! Mick!

What? What?

It's real! It's four and a half carats.

Asscher cut. Halo of channel set diamonds. Platinum.

-What, it's kosher, yeah?

-Oh, Mick.

Well, just...take a breath and then tell me what it is.

What is it, what? 50 grand, what?

Joey says...

that he reckons he...

..he could get 210, 210.

200,000?

Yeah.

I mean... 200,000.

I could....

I could get my own place. I could...

Yeah, that's what I think I'll do.

Yeah, yeah. You should.

I mean, that's what I'd do.

Yeah.

That's what I'd do.

How about you keep the ring...

..and you gimme a room to stay when I need one?

Would that work for you?

Yeah. I think that would work, wouldn't it?

Are you sure?

Take it.

Save the Vic.

Oh, thank you!

-Oh. I've dropped it.

-Hold on.

-Don't tread on it.

-What?

-No...

-Hold on.

-Lady Di, no. No. No.

-Now, down.

-Drop it.

-That's it.

-Drop it!

-Good girl. Very good girl, you are.

-Lady Di.

-Drop. Drop!

-Put that down now, darling.

-Drop it, Lady Di!

-Put it down!

-No! No-o-o-o!

Whoa. All right!

I was thinking you could pop round tomorrow bedtime.

Read Lily a story.

Thanks.

Look, I don't want to make things worse than they already are.

Maybe we could sort things out between us.

What, you're not going to go for custody?

We both want what's best for the kids, don't we?

Martin...

Look, I know that I'm my own worst enemy.

Come on, kids.

Yeah, I know.

I know. You didn't really give me much choice.

Yeah, I know he's your brother but he's also Lily's dad.

Whit, you know he's right.

One day you'll be a mum and you'll understand.

Please don't let me down.

I've got one chance to make this work.

Thank you.

Oh, Honey. I suppose you heard. Half price drinks at the Vic?

Yes, I was aware, Robbie.

-Good news.

-Lovely.

Milk of Magnesia! Loads of it!

You all right?

My life - one step forward, two steps back.

Y'know, if I'd ironed them shirts it would've been fine.

But, oh, no.

No, I took the money, got Bernie to do it.

-Serves me right.

-Tell him.

He can't be angry with her forever.

No. It's my fault.

I mean, she means well, but, well,

she never learnt to tie her laces until she was ten.

I had to get her Velcro ones.

Nah, steam iron's way beyond her.

You really going to work in the chippie?

I phoned Kath while you were outside.

I start next week.

I'm going to see it as a challenge.

That place has always been run badly.

I'm going to turn it around, make it the place to be.

You'll have to slip me the odd saveloy.

Would you watch the till for me?

I'm going to have to face the music.

Y'know, throw myself on Ted's mercy.

Hopefully he'll take instalments.

Let's hope he still ain't got that gun, eh?

He's on his way.

And it's definitely an unmarked van, yeah?

Martin's going to kill me.

Oh, shut up, Whit!

Come on, girl. We've only got half an hour.

Her tummy's making noises.

That's it, just don't fight it.

Don't fight it.

It's going to hurt, isn't it?

When it comes out. A ring that size.

Breathe, that's it, baby.

Breathe.

Just push when you want to push.

Must be what it's like waiting for a baby to be born.

She'll be all right.

DAMP FARTING

Ooooh!

Well, you know me, Sharon.

I never touch alcohol 'cept for medicinal purposes,

or maybe perhaps a celebration, you know.

A wedding or something.

This is hardly an occasion for celebration, is it?

The end of the Vic.

I never thought I'd see the day.

Johnny, another one. Thanks.

Thought you might be in here.

Oh, hello, Karen.

I've come to throw meself on your mercy.

No, there's no need for that.

What's this about?

About the 70 quid.

Would you take a fiver a week? Cos I don't think I can afford any more.

We'll save it for later, eh?

Ted!

What 70 quid?

Compensation for ruining his shirts when I was ironing them.

Yeah, cos it was me, no-one else.

"Oh, I'll wash and iron your shirts, love, give you a break, love.

"Anything you like, love."

I did give you a break, love.

Ted, buy Karen a drink.

Dear, oh, dear. How many shirts was it?

What are they doing out there?

-I'll go and check.

-No, don't leave me on my own!

AEROSOL SPRAYS

No, no, honestly.

It's real. It's legit, Fi.

Of course I'm not stalling you.

I know you're on your way over here to take o...

Is it out yet?

Not yet!

It's a great big stone.

The jeweller reckons it's four and a half carats, right?

There's loads of lovely diamonds round it.

Tell her it's like Pippa Middleton's engagement ring, only bigger.

-We're going under down there...

-Shh!

It's like Pippa Middleton's engagement ring, only bigger.

What's she saying?

OK...

Will she take it?

Gotcha, yeah, gotcha.

Go on! Go on!

SHIRLEY GAGS

Good girl!

TAP RUNS

Yeah. No, it...

It'll be here, it'll be here all waiting for you, all shiny and...

I tell you something now, you're going to love it!

Um...

She wants it.

-She wants it! She wants it!

-You've done it, Mick. You've saved the Vic!

Come here!

-What's going on.?

-Just get in the front room a minute.

Does my dad know about this?

Well, I've got to go tell him.

-Bex! Bex! You can't go!

-Stace, get off me!

Bex, please! Please.

He has left me no options!

Hope is barely out of hospital, she needs her mum.

So you're locking my dad out of his own house?

Well, he locked me out first.

Anyway, you don't have to leave, you could stay here with us.

Stace, the locksmith - he's finished.

Right, I'll get the money.

Bex!

Oi! Oi! Bex!

-Bex! Oi, Bex!

-Dad!

-Dad!

-What?

-Come here, quick!

-What?

-It's the house!

-Just give me the keys, please!

-Quick, it's Stace.

No.

No, no, no! Stace!

Stacey!

Oh, come on!

I let you see the kids, Stace!

Drinks are on the house!

CHEERING

I can't believe it, Linda!

-It's like magic!

-It is, Dot!

PIANO PLAYS: The Lambeth Walk

-So, what, you got the freehold back?

-We got the lot.

We ain't going nowhere.

Mate, it's the best news I've heard in ages!

-ALL:

-# You'll find us all doing the Lambeth Walk... #

Come here, my darling.

All right, everyone! Let's have a cheers to the Vic, shall we?

-ALL:

-Cheers!

Conga!

ALL SING ALONG TO THE CONGA

Stacey, please!

Martin.

Martin. Come on.

Come on.

DISTANT CHEERING AND SINGING

-ALL: # Doo doo doo

-Hey!

# Da da da da da da

-# Doo doo doo

-Hey!

# Da da da da da

-# Doo doo doo

-Hey!

# Da da da da da da

-# Doo doo doo

-Hey!

# Da da da da da

-# Doo doo doo

-Hey!

# Da da da da... #