30/01/2018 EastEnders

ALARM WAILS

ON RADIO: No sign of a break in.

Same here. Over.

Hi, we got your message, what happened?

-Are you the key-holder?

-No, I am.

-Jed?

-Vincent.

Long time, no see.

OK, yeah, that's all very nice,

but can we cut the stroll down memory lane and actually get inside?

-Yeah, yeah.

-So this your place, then, is it?

Well, not for much longer if you left it up to him.

How is Johnny?

How do you know I was texting Johnny?

Just...just wishing him good luck for today, that's all.

What is happening out there?

I dunno. Bit of agg at The Albert.

Makes a change, it's usually our place in bother.

Well, not any more,

and we ain't even started celebrating yet.

We've been celebrating ever since Dee gave us them deeds back.

No, no, I mean me and you.

You know, cos it's been too long, L.

You know, me and you, doing me and you things.

Oh, yeah.

What did you have in mind?

Well...

something hot.

Oh, yes, something very, very hot.

SHE GIGGLES

Haven't heard from you yet.

Or was I just about to?

You're not stupid, Phil.

And I think I proved yesterday I'm not.

Not too sure about Aidan, though.

Don't take too long.

In fact, let's put a deadline on it, shall we?

End of the day.

Don't dig your own grave, Phil.

Or Ben's.

You had trouble here before?

Not till that dirty big great "For Sale" sign went up outside.

OK, Kim...

That's an open invitation for local chancers, that is.

"Come on in. Take a look. Take what you want."

That's ridiculous, yeah.

So that went off by itself, did it?

He's here to help, Vincent.

Talk to him.

So you two are not exactly seeing eye to eye on this, then?

CID should have really snapped you up by now, shouldn't they?

So what is it, business not doing too well?

No, business is actually booming. Never better.

But you're still selling?

Yeah, I need to reset that, yeah, the alarm.

If you're in any sort of bother...

Apart from the lowlifes that tried to break into my bar, you mean?

The sort that means you need to sell your business even though

you really don't want to.

You know where we are, yeah?

I can handle it.

Right, I'll have a little bang on this and all.

A man with his own pub buying booze from the corner shop?

-I mean, I've seen it all, Mick.

-You know why, don't you?

Masood. Masood, he's sold all the good stuff.

Well, one bottle's not going to go that far.

This is my personal consumption. Me and my L.

Oh, you know what I need, some of that coconut curry sauce.

-That's what I need.

-Right.

And I need some... I think some ice cream gateaux.

Ooh.

We still celebrating, Mick?

HE LAUGHS

Ah, Philip, are you celebrating?

-What?

-Lifting a glass with Sharon to your good fortune?

No?

Well, nor am I.

It's been a long time.

But some of us have got long memories.

You helped me out back in the day.

More than once.

So if you ever need someone to return the favour...

Really is all starting to fall apart, isn't it?

Now one of yours is cosying up to the filth.

Hi, Kim!

All set?

Denise's birthday party? I tell you what,

just give me a few minutes to humiliate Ted and then I'll pop over

and help you get things ready, all right?

Kimmy?

Mas.

-Well?

-Well, what?

-Have you got them?

-What?

-Your magic samosas!

-Oh!

-I've been spreading the word all morning.

Mas, we could knock out dozens, on this market alone.

"We"?

-You supply, I distribute.

-Hmmm.

I'm working at Bealey boy's chippy.

-For now.

-Perfect.

That means you'll have a stream of ready made punters.

You make them, you leave 'em on the counter,

people say, "Hmmm, what's that?" you say, "Try them."

Mas, you do want to make some money, don't you?

I don't know about this.

Look, please! I don't want to sweep this market for ever, do I?

Look, you've got the samosas, I've got the contacts.

A few market traders.

Every great idea started small.

-Jiggy Jiggy sauce?

-Reggae.

It's reggae sauce.

HE GASPS

-You know what I'm hearing?

-What?

Excuses.

-You know what I should be hearing?

-What?

The sound of tills ringing nonstop.

Think about it.

OK, OK, I'll dig out the recipe.

-Yes! Speak soon.

-Yeah.

Urgh.

Oh, you're back, then.

Said I would be, didn't I?

Been having nightmares about Brussel sprouts all night, too.

Only thing is, I forgot my gloves again.

Have a look over there.

Here he is. Lamb to the slaughter.

Not today.

You what?

And not any day as far as the slaughter's concerned.

-I just can't play today, that is all.

-Why not?

-Family problems.

-Nothing trivial, I hope.

Mr Murray!

This is the final game of our 22 game accumulator.

There is big money at stake.

Or is that the real problem?

-What?

-Are you bottling this?

Listen, now, man.

I never bottle anything at all in my life, you know.

And I'm going to prove it. Tomorrow.

But what am I supposed to do today?

I've polished the pieces specially.

Sprouts.

What are you doing?

Nothing special.

Ready? Well, I thought

we were going to book Daisy's class at the Community Centre.

What are you doing?

-Looking for nothing special.

-What?

Oh, come on. Let's go.

Yeah.

Mmm-mmm. This don't make any sense at all.

That's exactly what I've been saying to Vincent.

Yeah, but The Albert is always packed whenever I walk past.

What is he not telling me, Patrick? And what's next?

Come on, you don't know there's anything next.

I didn't think that there would be this.

He said that we should wait to have another baby,

that he's thinking of me.

But is this the real reason?

Why don't I have a word with him, all right?

And in the meantime,

I want you to concentrate on your sister's birthday party, all right?

-Who may not be.

-What?

But it's the same thing, isn't it?

I thought Dee was my sister,

and then it turns out that she may not be.

I thought me and Vincent were solid...

Yeah, well, you are, you are.

Well, you will be once he's cleared his debts.

I'm not just talking about the money, Patrick.

Look, I only found out about The Albert

because I thought he was having an affair.

We are husband and wife,

I should be the first to know what's going on, shouldn't I?

Get on that.

I need you to have Ollie for me.

Why me?

I need you to have Ollie for me, OK.

Mother, I need you to keep L out of this kitchen for a couple of hours.

-How?

-I don't know how.

What are you doing?

I'm going to do a lovely little ruby.

Yeah, well, all you need is a couple of tins of sauce,

pour it over some chicken, that don't take two hours.

There ain't no tins left in the Minute Mart.

-Well, go somewhere else.

-No, I want to do it all special, don't I?

So, you know, I've googled a recipe. And I've got one...

Oh, yes, I've got one.

What's his name...

Jamie Oliver.

Oh, very ethnic.

It's very technical, actually. Very technical.

Do you know what goes into your average ruby?

Long as I follow the instructions, all will be sweet.

I just need you two to play your part.

Ollie.

Guard duty.

I've got a very, very important phone call to make.

PHONE RINGS

Mick? I'm cooking.

So am I, mate.

A curry. And I need some tips.

Well, what are you asking me for?

What do you mean, why am I asking you?

Cos you're the main man, ain't you? You know, anything Indian.

-I'm from Pakistan.

-All right.

So what are you telling me, what?

What, they don't have chicken korma in Pakistan?

HE LAUGHS

You won't find a chicken korma in the whole of South Asia, mate.

What is it, like an 11th commandment, is it?

"Thou shalt not eat korma"?

Mick, it's a British dish.

-Yeah, I know.

-Mick, Mick, Mick, Mick, just open a jar, will you? OK.

Little liberty.

KNOCK ON DOOR

What are you doing?

I'm playing with myself.

Careful, young lady, careful.

I've dug up all your sprouts.

Oh.

Well, I'll be the judge of that.

Bernie, come on!

What's your game?

What does that mean?

You and the old bill? Oi, I'm talking to you.

It's none of your business.

Phil, man, look...

I asked you a question.

Look, I had some trouble in the Albert.

Nothing else? Only you and that copper looked very pally.

-If you've said something...

-Look, what's the point?

They wouldn't be able to pin anything on Aidan anyway,

-it'd just be my word against his.

-Yeah, well,

he'd pin you in a coffin if you did.

I can't do this any more, don't you understand that?

-I can't take none of it.

-Grow a pair, will you?

All you've gotta do is sell the Albert, give Aidan his money,

-and move on.

-It's real easy for you, isn't it? For now.

What's that supposed to mean?

OK, he's got me in his sights right now, but who's next?

Maybe he'll take a long, hard look at you.

Maybe that's what you was doing with Sharon out in Italy,

-counting all our money.

-Watch your mouth, you.

He would turn on every one of us in a heartbeat.

If you're not going to sort it, I will. It's me or him, Phil.

-Yeah, you and whose army?

-It's me or Aidan.

I knew he was up to something.

Oh, Chachi Ji...

Am I just seeing things? Or is this also "nothing special"?

You are going to a lot of trouble here.

So what is this, special occasion or something?

Not exactly a special occasion more a...more...

What?

Ah! Someone special?

-Is this a lady?

-Well...

Well, why didn't you tell me? Is she coming for dinner?

Where's her family from? What's her surname?

What can I do to help?

I think we could probably best help by leaving our nephew to his date.

Masha Allah, Masood's got a date.

Four words I thought I'd never hear.

Shabash, Munno.

Well done.

HE LAUGHS

Don't mess it up.

Well?

Yeah, seem to have got 'em all up.

Seem to? I have.

And they seem to be all mine this time and all.

-Really hate sprouts.

-I'm not that keen myself.

Why do you grow them, then, if you don't like them? That's mad.

Almost as mad as you playing chess all by yourself.

Least that way you can't lose, I suppose.

I'm not afraid of losing if that's what you're getting at.

I'll show you.

-Morning, Linda.

-Morning, Maggie.

Linda? That boy of yours left town now, has he?

Saw him heading away yesterday.

Well, he starts a new job today.

Manchester, yeah?

Isn't it nice when life works out for you and your family?

'Bout time some good luck came our way, if you ask me.

Make your own, so they say.

And nothing good happens unless you make it happen.

They say that, too.

Have you lost your mind?

Lost just about everything else.

At least I'm about to, thanks to Aidan.

The Albert. Kim.

I mean, she ain't going to stop, you know, by the way.

She knows something's wrong and she's going to keep digging

-till she finds out what.

-You can sort her, can't you?

Professional liar like you, should be meat and drink to a grass.

And even if I could, he ain't stopping at the Albert.

As far as Aidan's concerned, I'm a cash cow.

-You don't know that.

-He hates me, Phil.

He hates...

professional liars.

He's had me in his sights since we started this thing.

I mean, I've got a family now.

A wife, a daughter, things that I thought I'd never have.

If it was just me, I'd take a chance, I'd get out, but how can

I do that with Kim and Pearl? How can I ask them to live like that?

Would you? If this was Sharon or Dennis?

If that lunatic had your family in his sights?

If it was Louise or Ben we were talking about?

Wouldn't you fight for them?

You and Aidan wouldn't be a fight. It'd be your suicide.

I can do more than you think.

And even if you did, you know...

you do anything to Aidan, anything happens to him,

there's going to be a lot of people asking a lot of awkward questions.

And it won't just be you in the frame, it'll be us too.

I told you, I haven't got a choice.

And even if Aidan has taken our money,

if he has turned us over, that'll be that, won't it?

You know, he's going to take that little secret to the grave.

So, what, I should just sit back and let him destroy me, yeah?

You go up against Aidan, all he's going to see is a guilty man.

The real guilty man should be shaking my hand.

Cos he won't stop until he finds him.

He wants blood, Phil.

-Leave this to me.

-What?

-Just give me some time.

-No, sorry, what does that mean?

End of the day.

End of the day and...

everything'll be sorted.

TEXT MESSAGE PINGS

Mick?

Teen...

Mick?

Tina!

Mick!

SHE SIGHS

Mick? Mick!

He ain't here.

Well, where is he?

At the suppliers.

-For what?

-Supplies.

I've just had a really weird conversation with Aidan.

-What about?

-Johnny.

Well, what did he say?

It's not what he said. It's more what he didn't...

What's that smell?

Can't smell anything.

It's rank.

Teen?

-It's a surprise.

-What is?

Don't let on that you know, Linda, he's roped me and Shirley in on it.

-He's really put his heart and soul into it for you.

-Get up there.

Why are you not answering your mobile?

Erm...

I've been busy.

So have I.

Talking to Kim.

Right, look, that's none of your business.

I have seen the inside of a lot of boozers in my time.

And you get a nose for the ones that are going to last,

and the ones that won't.

The Albert is a gold mine and you're giving it up, just like that?

Look, there's a lot of things you just don't understand.

Yes, and there's a lot of things you're not telling your wife.

What, like you was always honest with yours, yeah?

You listen to me now, man.

Kim and Denise, they're like daughters to me, you hear?

Look, I'll make sure she's all right, she will want for nothing.

Look, it's not the money I'm talking about, man, it's you.

And her. Husband and wife.

No secrets, no lies.

Isn't that how it's supposed to be?

Well, it is with my daughter, you hear.

Do what I didn't do, son.

Tell her the truth. Whatever it is.

So what do you see, Philip? Take a good look round.

-Don't see anything.

-Exactly.

Everything back to normal.

Boozer in full swing.

Just days after they were supposed to be chucked out on the street.

All courtesy of a very valuable family heirloom.

Or was it a scratchcard?

Or some magic beans?

Whatever it was, he is laughing at us.

I believed him.

He's taking us for mugs.

The question is, what are we going to do about it?

Lovely, here you are, here's a ching.

How hard can it be to knock up a ruby?

Yeah, all right. Ain't you meant to be on guard duty?

I don't see much work going on in that kitchen.

Yeah, I had a bit of a nightmare with some hot oil and a dish cloth.

Ooh, curried dish cloth...

Yeah, don't sound too appetising, does it? But this smells lovely.

Now, go on, have a look, see if the old coast is clear.

Go on.

So have you got it all fixed in your head?

What moves where and how?

Still can't see why these are called knights

when they look like horses, though.

Same reason that these are called rooks and they look like castles.

Although, if your king has never moved,

and one of your rooks has never moved,

and there are no pieces in between,

then the king can move two spaces towards the rook

and the rook can jump over your king,

and that is called castling.

Yeah, it does take a bit of getting used to.

But these are definitely pawns?

-They are.

-And they can move one square at a time?

They can.

Unless it's my first move, yeah? And then they can move two.

Your go.

But do you know for a fact that Michael hasn't got our money?

No, I just...I just had someone else in mind for this, that's all.

You talked to Vincent lately?

Vincent?

He is so jumpy right now, you can

almost see the guilt coming off of him.

But you're right.

This all stinks a lot more, don't it?

-Keep 'em closed.

-Why?

What do you mean, why? Cos it's a surprise, innit?

-What is?

-If I told you, it wouldn't be surprise, would it?

-Oh, Mick...

-She's piped, why have you piped?

Right, well.

Lunch is served, isn't it?

So... Whee!

SHE GIGGLES

Crack some tunes on, I think.

There we go.

Right.

Have a poppadum.

And that's mate.

What is?

That is. You can't move, you see.

Not very friendly.

What?

Beat someone, you call 'em mate.

Checkmate.

You wouldn't be winding me up, would you?

Another game?

What's the point? I ain't never going to get the hang of this.

Well, no. You won't if you don't try.

Mum caught me reading my chess book last night.

Her and Keegan were catching jokes for an hour.

Bernadette, you can do anything you want,

and don't let anyone tell you different.

Look, it doesn't matter what anyone else says,

and it doesn't matter how much they take the mick,

you don't let them. Do you hear me?

You don't let them and you never ever give up.

See, you show promise.

You do! You keep on like this,

and one day you might give Patrick a game.

How about you?

-Well...

-HE LAUGHS

Phil!

I ain't doing this.

What?

Sitting around waiting on your say-so.

This ends, Phil. Today.

Well, be at the Arches in five minutes.

And tell Billy and Keanu to be there an' all.

-Well, did you see him?

-Mmm.

And?

So you got as much out of him as I did.

He told me it wasn't my business.

And he was right.

But it's definitely your business, though.

And I told him that.

You have to tell him how you feel.

How you really feel about you and him.

OK?

Yeah.

Is that for the birthday girl?

-For both of us.

-Mmm.

Look at this.

I read about it the other day.

It tells you if you and someone are related or not.

Emerald was drunk and angry when she said all that.

Listen, I just want to know where I stand on one thing at least.

-I can't believe you made this.

-Yeah.

No, I mean it, Mick, a professional couldn't have done any better.

Well, I'll...

I shall pass on your compliments to the chef.

SHE LAUGHS

And, no, no, what it was...

I had a bit of a mare while I was cooking it and...

Mmm-hmm. I think I smelt it.

Yeah.

I love you, Mrs Carter.

I love you, Mr Carter.

A fresh start.

New beginning.

What's for afters?

You ain't finished your main yet, you gannet.

Mmm?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

DISTANT ALARM WAILS

HORN BLARES Is that ours?

Probably kids, innit, just mucking about.

I should check though, really, shouldn't I?

-Don't be long.

-Well, I won't be, will I?

Don't you worry about that.

SHE LAUGHS

ALARM AND HORN CONTINUE TO BLARE

KEY BLEEPS

BOTH STOP

Oi!

HE GRUNTS

THEY GRUNT AND STRUGGLE