01/02/2018 EastEnders

STRAINING AND STRUGGLING

How's your surprise going?

Mick!

MICK!

No! No!

SHE SOBS

No...

Well?

Oh, Mas.

-You have put in a shift.

-Yeah. I'll put them out when I start work.

Ah, but before you do... I've been waiting all morning for this.

Taste test.

What?

No. They're not like yesterday's.

Well, they're exactly the same. I followed my auntie's recipe.

Were the last lot hers?

That explains it.

Look, the last lot, they tasted like the ones that my ex used to make.

These...they just don't have any love.

Any what?

If you ain't got love, what have you got?

Maybe try again.

BANGING ON DOOR Sharon!

Sharon, are you in there?

Sharon, it's Mick.

They've taken Mick.

CONTINUES BANGING

Phil?

Phil, what is this?

Wait.

-Oi-oi!

-Oi-oi...

-Two o'clock.

-Oh, I've already told you...

-And don't be late.

I don't want any fuss.

There's not going to be any fuss. Just, you know, drinks and family.

-Oh, can I have that when you've finished with it?

-What?

-Your cup.

-What for?

Pearl is collecting them.

Yeah.

Well, she might as well have a fresh one then, eh?

-Ooh, hello!

-GIGGLING AND KISSING

-I'll see you later.

-See ya.

Oi! The house.

-What?

-Now.

These blokes, they've snatched Mick.

-Linda, Linda, just calm down.

-They pushed him into a van!

Look, where's Phil?

Phil won't be behind this.

He knows who is, though. And so do you.

Phil's the only one. He's the only one that maniac'll listen to.

Look, are you absolutely sure this is Aidan?

He really freaked me out earlier.

He was asking about Johnny, you know, psyching me out...

-Sharon, Sharon, you've got to do something!

-I've already told you,

-this won't be anything...

-Do something

or I'm going to the police!

Kim, do you want to explain yourself, please?

-What is all this?

-All right, all right, all right,

-all right, now listen.

-Yes.

I need your help.

-Right.

-Well, couldn't you just ask Vincent?

Have I just said a dirty word?

OK, what do you want? What do you want?

Look, it's Dee's birthday present.

-Right. Do you want me to wrap it?

-No, it's a DNA test.

-It's a what?

-To prove that we're sisters.

-Of course you're sisters.

-Yeah, but what if we're not?

What if me and Dee do the test and it comes back negative?

And you're not related?

Mate, your brain is like a razor -

disposable.

-Now this is where you come in.

-All right, how?

-Yeah.

Well... I need you to get a sample from her.

Like a swab.

You know, without her realising.

-How do they smell?

-They smell amazing.

-Yeah?

But how do they taste?

No?! What? How does she do it?

I thought I followed Chachi Ji's recipe to the letter.

Why don't they taste the same?

That was a complete waste of time.

-Get rid of these. Come on.

-I said Active Antics...

-Listen. Ask her.

-Ask her what?

-Ask your auntie how she does it.

-What?!

-Look, I won't be long.

OK, darling...

Don't you "darling" me.

How could you make such a foolish mistake?

How did you get on?

Men...

So how long have I got to sit here?

DOOR OPENS

-That's it.

-Let me try Billy.

-No, we've not got time for this.

Linda! Linda, calm down, please.

My husband's just been kidnapped and you're telling me to calm down?

-Mick hasn't got Aidan's money, has he?

-Of course he hasn't!

-Well, if that's true, then...

-What do you mean, "if"?

I've just told you that he hasn't.

Then Aidan has got no reason to harm him.

And since when has that one needed an excuse to do anything?

Linda, if you go to the police,

-they are going to start asking questions.

-What's that mean?

-Like where that money came from for starters.

-What money?

That money you found in a bottom drawer somewhere

to buy back the Vic.

I mean, what else have you got lying round in that pub of yours,

the Crown Jewels?

And why would they want to know about that?

Your old man's been kidnapped. You've just come in for a windfall.

They're bound to wonder if there's some sort of connection.

So I'm supposed to just sit in the Vic and do nothing?

-Mick is a big boy.

-I'll take that as a yes, then, shall I?

And Aidan is no fool.

Now if Mick has got nothing to hide,

then he's got nothing to worry about.

This lady must be very special if you're still cooking for her.

Er... Trying to cook for her.

Not another disaster.

It wasn't a disaster, Mariam.

-It was just a simple mistake.

-What was?

Your uncle was supposed to book a session for Daisy on Active Antics.

Oh, she'll love that.

Instead, he booked a work-out session with a fitness instructor

-called Action Andy.

-Oh.

And he still hasn't fixed the stair gate in place.

And I've been asking him for days to assemble her toy tidy.

She's only here for another week.

Er, er...

-Why don't I do that?

-What?

I can fix the stair gate and sort out the toy tidy.

I thought you had a date?

That's not for ages.

This is what it's all about, isn't it? Families.

I help you, you help me.

Are you feeling OK, Munno?

The stair gate, you said?

Oh, so, not much fuss?

Not much of a fuss.

Just a few things.

Make yourself comfortable and Kush and I will get the drinks.

Happy birthday!

Oh...

Well?

-I'm working on it.

-What does that mean?

Well, I've been doing a little bit of checking, right?

And according to what it says on the net,

it just takes a little bit of fingernail.

-Right, that's enough...

-Fingernail? What you talking about?

Yeah, you just have to clip a bit of fingernail.

-Forget the fingernail business, yeah? Just swab her.

-You what?

-Swab her.

-Swab? No...

I take it she still sleeps with her mouth open and dribbles, yeah?

Yes. Just a little bit.

Well, just use the swab I gave you and just put it in her mouth.

-I can't do that.

-You can.

-I can't just...

-You can.

Look, I did it. Look, it just takes a second or two, no more.

Yeah? A quick scrape in the mouth, then that's it. It's over.

Or you could play Dentist and Patient?

Like, "Hello, Miss Fox, take a seat and open wide."

-Ah...

-Hey!

-I thought you were sorting the drinks.

-Yes.

-We are. There's red and white in there.

-Right now. White?

-That's a very lovely one. It's very sweet.

-Oh, white. Good.

Does someone want to tell me what's going on, or...?

That's strange, Michael.

That's a question I was just about to ask you.

So, tell me...

Tell you what?

Just be straight with us, mate.

Straight about what, Bill?

Let's review the evidence.

And see what the others make of it.

You are about to lose the Vic.

Your family are about to be thrown out onto the streets.

Then, suddenly, at the last minute,

you find the cash to save your skins,

courtesy of good old Uncle Perry, or was it a scratchcard?

Your family don't seem to know which.

Is that it?

Is that all you've got?

That's why I've had a bag whacked on me nut?

That's why this little mob are all standing about

like extras out of The Godfather?

HE LAUGHS

Well...

..this is nice, innit, eh?

We'll see.

The stair gate is done and the toy tidy is about to be.

Need a screwdriver.

What are you up to, Masood?

Fixing the stair gate and the toy tidy.

So is this what you meant?

"I help you and you help me"?

I'm hurt, Auntie.

-Deeply hurt.

-I think I'll go and have my lie-down.

Although... Erm, now you mention it...

-Yes?

-Your samosas.

-You want a samosa?

-A few.

-How many?

50? They're not for me, they're for my lady friend.

Big girl, is she?

She wants me to meet her family.

So this isn't just a simple date?

I thought I'd take some along to break the ice.

And a box of mithai won't do?

Er, no, it's just that I promised them samosas.

Only, I...

Why didn't you say so before?

I've been wasting cooking time just sitting here.

So is that a yes, then?

To see you settled with a nice young lady?

She is a nice young lady, isn't she?

Only the girl that I was thinking of, Noor...

Yeah, yeah, no, she's lovely.

Oh, is she Indian? Is she Pakistani? Is she Goan?

Is she English? I want details, Masood.

All of the details. Come on, now.

Yeah, well, that's what's tonight's about. Me finding out.

Oh, go on with you...

The situation is very simple, Michael.

Either you tell me the truth now with a full set of teeth...

..or you tell me later as you spit out the bits you've got left.

Now the second way may take a little longer

and it will certainly be more painful on you.

But one way or another, believe me,

I will get what I want.

And if you're still shy,

this now might take care of your kneecaps.

-And this, your fingers.

-Phil!

Do you want your money or not?

You know the truth.

You all do.

I wouldn't have yous over.

Me and my family had a stroke of luck and that is it.

Does look a bit iffy though, Mick. I mean, you've got to admit that.

All of a sudden, all this cash falls from the sky.

-Lands in your lap.

-Just when you needed it.

-I know.

That's what happened.

Now, you know me, Phil.

I ain't no choirboy, but neither are you lot.

I ain't no liar.

I ain't no cheat.

I would never sell out my own.

You must be very brave.

Or very stupid.

Nah, I'm not brave.

But I'm not stupid.

What sort of idiot would stick around

after he's nicked all that money?

It's called hiding in plain sight.

No, it's called suicide.

So how did get your pub back?

And don't tell me it was a family heirloom or a scratchcard

or I might just lose my temper.

I promised I wouldn't say anything.

Promises, Michael, are like legs.

Made to be broken.

I didn't pay a penny for it.

Fi gave it back to us.

And why would she do that?

Because she thought it was bought with blood money.

Her mum's blood.

She didn't want anything to do with it

after she found out what her old man done to Kathy.

So why keep schtum?

In case he found out and he got his lawyers onto us.

Not convincing.

Well, it's the truth.

We'll find out, shall we?

Hmm.

PHONE CHIMES

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Well, that is word of the day, isn't it?

I ask you what you're doing, you say, "Nothing."

Then I ask him and he says exactly the same...

Kim, there's no point in hassling me, all right? I don't know...

I don't know what?

Oh, nothing?

Should I make some dhal as well? What do you think?

No, samosas are fine.

-An accompaniment usually goes down well.

-No, just those.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

My point exactly.

Toy tidy?

Oh, done that, Chachi Ji.

No-one's that brave or that stupid.

TOOLS CLATTER

Which leaves us with the same old problem, doesn't it, guys?

If Mr Carter does not have our money...

..who does?

You got something to say, Vincent?

No!

Hmm...

Then you, you and you can go.

For now.

And you.

So, let us three have a little chat, shall we?

-Are you watching me?

-No.

No... It's just inspiring.

OK, I can cook, but you...

An artist at work.

So, er... So it's onions...

-er, ginger, jeera, coriander...

-Garam masala.

-Garam masala...

-Cashew nuts.

-Cashew nuts?!

Some people use them.

-Oh, some people?

-I don't.

Maybe you could teach me?

-Teach you what?

-How to make them.

-I could.

-Yeah?

But what's the point?

All you have to do is ask me and I will make them for you.

Mmm...

What's the matter?

Nothing. They're perfect.

Just totally perfect. He's going to love them.

He?!

I thought you were making them for your lady friend?

And her father.

And her uncles. They're all quite partial to samosas.

-I didn't know you had met any of them.

-I... I haven't.

She mentioned them...

..earlier.

Come on, Linda. Let's get you inside.

Mick! Mick! What happened?

-Them blokes and that van...

-It was just a wind-up.

-A what?

-This lot getting me at it.

Billy!

-Aidan, he thought that I had that money.

-And?

-And now he don't.

-What, just like that?

No, not exactly, no, but it's over.

-Really?

-I'm still here, aren't I?

So, where's Phil? Billy!

-He's in the Arches with Aidan.

-Is he OK?

I hope so.

Listen, I haven't got your money if that's what you're thinking.

-Sit.

-What are you doing?

Mick convinced me he hasn't got it. Maybe you can too.

I ain't Mick.

Ah.

Well, maybe we should do him in anyway.

One less grass in the world.

He ain't got it.

Look at him, will you? He ain't got the bottle.

You weren't so sure earlier.

Yeah, who has, Phil?

You got something to say, Vincent?

Just saying maybe the toe-rag's a little closer to home, that's all.

-I hope you're not suggesting me.

-What?

You think this is a smokescreen?

That I'm just going after each one of you and then going to ride off,

like John Wayne, into the sunset with a bag full of money, do you?

Or do you have someone else in mind?

Just something that Mick said, that's all.

What?

If he had done it, he would have been missing with the money.

-He wouldn't have stuck around, would he?

-And?

And someone has just left Walford recently, haven't they?

Ben.

Ben?

-Are you serious?

-Why not?

Do you know, half of me wishes that could be true?

Because then at least I could have some respect for him at last.

So this is just another smokescreen.

You point the finger while all the time you know I was right.

Someone should put him out of his misery.

HE YELLS

-You're a dead man, Vincent.

-No! No.

You off him and then what, hey?

We have the old bill on our backs for the rest of our lives

and for what, a grass? A nobody?

No, I ain't going to live like that, all right?

Now if anyone is going to get sorted out here,

it's the person that turned us over in the first place.

Seems like you have some idea who that might be.

Yeah, I do.

You better get out of here while you still can.

-Oh, Mas...

-Garam masala.

-Do what?

Chachi Ji gives it a couple of extra sprinkles

when she's stirring the mix.

Oh, is that why these taste so good?

Yeah, I reckon so. I was watching her. I think so.

I thought you made these.

When she's making them for Daisy.

Oh, right. Well, listen,

I'll take this lot out in to the market, spread the word.

Let's just keep it nice and discreet, yeah?

Oh, no, of course, of course.

Masood's Secret Samosas.

Whose samosas?

So why didn't you just tell me?

Well, I was going to. Once I was sure, you know.

-You and me feller sneaking around behind my back...

-What?!

And you looking as guilty as sin, like, every time

-I walked into the room.

-Hold on...

Did you think that there was something going on

between me and Kush?

-No!

-Oh.

-I thought you were plotting some totally over-the-top surprise.

-Oh. Well, that's all right, then.

-Mm.

-Kush...

Well, I mean, you know... I've got Vincent.

Who I could kill right now...

So, why could you kill him right now?

It's all this stuff to do with the Albert?

Patrick's been talking to you, hasn't he?

So why haven't you been talking to me?

I was just knocked for six, to tell you the truth.

It's not just about the money.

I mean, even though that's bad.

But how much trouble must he be in?

It's like...everything that we build our lives on

is just being taken away all of a sudden.

And that's why I just need to know.

About me and you, Dee.

I just want to hold on to something certain at least, you know?

-So...will you do it?

-Course.

-Yeah?

-Mm.

All right.

Well, I've already done mine.

And I've signed your consent form to save time.

Don't need it though.

What, you're that sure that we're sisters?

I ain't got a clue.

All I do know is, is that it don't matter.

Me and you?

It don't matter what no... No test says.

You have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.

Eh?

Your little trotters trying on my shoes.

And ruining my make-up!

Getting on my wick...

-SHE LAUGHS

-Yes, I will do it.

But...we are sisters.

It don't matter what that test says.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Maybe we're missing the one person who's right under our nose.

-Who might that be?

-Mel.

She's looking for the money too.

And if she has been playing us,

we've been doing exactly what she wants -

going against each other and taking each other out.

I reckon...you should get away from the Square.

Lie low for a bit.

It'd be the last thing that she expects

and while you're gone I'll work on her. I'll suss her out.

I reckon I should say that you've done exactly what you said just now.

That you've ridden off into the sunset with a big bag of cash.

I mean, at least this way we've got half a chance

of finding out what Mel's up to. What are we doing right now?

We're just beating each other up. We're not getting anywhere.

If Mel is playing us for mugs, she really needs to be taught a lesson.

I know.

You're OK with that?

You won't be tempted to go easy on her for old times' sake,

or for the good old days?

There was never too many of them.

OK.

I'll give you ten days.

-Phil?

-Sharon. You OK?

Yeah, yeah. I was just looking for Phil.

You seem a little agitated.

No, he was late for his dinner.

I'll see you, then.

-WHISPERING:

-What the hell's been happening?

And what was that with Mick?

Linda's been going out of her mind.

Aidan got the wrong end of the stick

and he thought that Mick had his money.

He doesn't think that now?

Mick's still walking, in't he?

So who does he think's got it?

Well, let's hope he don't find out.

Cos it would a bloodbath.