02/02/2018 EastEnders

-Where's my money?

-Some of it went on my plane ticket,

the rest is burning a hole in my handbag.

I'm in the Bahamas - did I not say?

I'm surprised you're in the mood for jokes.

SHE SIGHS

I'm working on it.

Give me a name.

I think it's Phil.

You think, or you know?

You have to be patient.

I'd have thought you'd be missing your son.

Is he there?

I'll call you back tonight.

And I want you to have something for me.

Something concrete.

Ciara. Let me speak to him...

CALL ENDS

Well, at least Aidan's gone away.

-Give you some breathing space.

-Ten days.

He's getting that money from Vincent.

Maybe that'll be enough for him.

You don't know Aidan.

What if it can't be found?

I mean, what if someone saw an opportunity and seized it?

The money could be halfway across the world by now.

If Aidan don't get what he wants, he'll have the next best thing.

And that is?

Revenge.

So do I need to be worried?

Do me and Denny need to go away?

It'll be Ben he's after - he knows you're not involved.

-So where are you going to go looking?

-I don't know yet.

I'll call you.

This is my mess and I've gotta sort it out.

I think I'll have my own turmeric milk.

Is this for me?

Yeah, tuck in.

A pity that older ladies can't be so easily placated.

She won't even look at me.

One year I forgot our anniversary.

She wouldn't talk to me for a month.

What do I do?

She loves you.

She worries about you endlessly.

I know.

Those samosas...

She was happy to make them for you

when she thought they were for your lady friend.

Ah...

Maybe you should agree to meet Noor.

You know, that woman she's got lined up for you.

I'm a grown man, Chacha.

One date. That's all.

Let her arrange it for next week.

You can always cancel.

By then she'll have forgotten all about the samosas.

Seems like a small price to pay for peace. Eh?

-Can I get a latte to take away, please?

-Course you can.

Excuse me, but when did little Lou Mitchell turn into a supermodel?

-Auntie Mel!

-Hi, gorgeous.

What are you doing here?

Buying you breakfast. What do you fancy?

This is crazy. I'm hallucinating.

Bacon buttie, or are you too much of a glamour puss these days?

I'd love to, but I've got school.

Double science. I'm already late.

What's your teacher's name?

Mrs Denby.

Hello, Mrs Denby, this is Louise Mitchell's step-mum.

She's been up in the night with a nasty stomach bug,

so I'm keeping her home today.

-We don't want it spreading around, do we?

-You wouldn't?

What's the number?

OK, but not here.

-WHISPERS: Too many spies.

-Good thinking.

£2, please, darling.

No "family emergency" today, then?

Man, I have plenty time to give you a hiding.

22 games, and it's all come down to this.

Mmm.

Morning!

Yesterday was your last day.

If I stay at home, Mum will have me up the launderette.

And you know what happened last time.

Well, if you're hanging around, the beds need turning over.

Then after?

The tools need cleaning.

And after that?

We shall see.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, course.

Next week, then.

MESSAGE TONE

Yeah, OK. Give my love to Pa...

That was Les.

He didn't sound too happy.

Here, you don't think the taxman's given him a bell, do you?

Jay?

Earth to Jay?

What?

Blimey.

The clients are meant to be dead in here, not the staff.

That's very classy, that, Billy.

Look, I'm trying to sort out this tax stuff.

Les is coming over next week.

-Well, haven't you told him about it yet?

-No...

No, I'm waiting for the right moment.

Oh, and when is that?

Before he gets arrested for tax evasion or after?

All right, all right. What is the matter with you, Jay?

Nothing.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

Make yourself scarce, Billy, will you?

Excuse me. This is my office.

What is it?

I'm going to look for Ben again.

Come on, help me out here. He must've texted you.

He hasn't.

Come on, mate.

Mate?

-Yeah, well you can give me that back.

-Jay.

-What?

I thought you two were meant to be like brothers or something.

Hasn't it occurred to you that maybe he don't want to be found?

That maybe getting away from this square was the best thing he ever did cos he finally got shot of you?

-Why don't you shut your mouth!

-What are you going to do?

What, you going to hit me?

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

Ain't just you, Phil.

He's got the hump about something or other.

Thank you very much.

Mrs Ahmed?

Ah. You're my nephew's mystery woman.

Funny. You're a very funny lady.

Hey, Robbie.

Auntie-Ji, I've been looking for you everywhere.

I did a terrible thing.

I've been giving it a lot of thought and you're absolutely right.

I need someone in my life.

You what?

Yeah, someone to stand by my side. To steer me in the right direction.

Don't you agree, Robbie?

Yeah, listen, Mas, I think you're a nice guy, but you're not really...

You want to meet Noor?

Exactly.

Yes. Maybe you can set up a date.

For next week? Or maybe two weeks?

No, no, no, no, no. Today.

Strike while the iron is hot.

-One o'clock.

-Today?

And smarten yourself up, eh?

This Noor...

Is a bird, innit?

Watch his knight!

Ooh, I wouldn't.

It's not fair. She's put me off.

Oh, hush now, man.

The girl only want to get involved.

There.

Did you move the pawn?

You worry about the beds. I'll worry about my winnings.

Yes, and worry you should,

because this pot is mine.

Checkmate.

Oh!

Cramp. It's my injury.

What happened?

I beat him fair and square, and he kick over the board.

No, I didn't!

It's my war injury.

Always plays up in the cold.

This pot is mine now.

Not on your nelly.

-You're a cheat!

-How dare you?

It's all right. I'll get it.

No, no. Don't worry, Bernie.

Let him keep the money now.

I hope it makes him very happy.

Is your leg all right, Mr Murray?

Right, I tell you what...

Don't bother, then.

Breaking and entering? Could do you for that.

I've still got keys, ain't I?

Anyway, it ain't your gaff any more, is it?

I suppose it's hard for an old geezer like me to let go, but...

if you went missing I'd be the same.

I saw Abi's photo back there.

I'm sorry, Jay.

Think carefully.

He can't move backwards.

-I'm sure the book says you can.

-Trust me.

I've been playing this for years.

But then it's checkmate.

Peak!

Peak. You know? Like bad.

I'll set up again. You get the kettle on for another brew, yeah?

I ain't got any lunch.

Well, you want to get up earlier. Make yourself something.

Well, you must think I'm soft.

Better than you trying to start on me.

She was my first proper girlfriend, y'know.

She was the first girl I'd slept with.

And even after we split up, I still felt protective of her. You know?

Seems so pointless now.

I mean, 21!

Barely an adult.

Barely time to have a life.

You've heard me talk about Jamie, yeah?

He was 20 years old when he died. Just a kid.

That's one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with.

I weren't...

I weren't there for him, y'know, while he was alive. But you...

You've been a good friend to Abi. Right up to the end.

Yeah, not like that brother of mine.

Well, I ain't protecting him any more.

Ben? It's me.

Don't hang up, all right?!

Now tell me, where are you?

I'm coming out there.

Sharon?

Sharon?

Told you.

Do you want to come up to my room?

Why don't you bring the album down here? I'll put the kettle on.

Keep a look out for the wicked stepmother.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, Phil, you cliche.

Noor's a solicitor.

-Is that right?

-Yeah.

And according to her mother,

she practically runs the office single-handedly.

But no life really, if you want to start a family.

So... What do you do, Masood?

He's just returned after selling his family business in Pakistan.

Very good husband material.

He sells chips.

Yes, chips.

Mostly Asian food, but, yes, frozen chips, also.

I'll get the napkins.

Do you...have your own children?

Oh, yes, four of them.

That's a good number.

I'm too old now for nappies and night-time feeds.

ARSHAD CLEARS HIS THROAT

Although children, of course, are one of Allah's greatest gifts.

Mmm.

Checkmate. I did it!

Now, just a minute, young lady.

You said you couldn't move the rook backwards.

Ah, yes. But in a checkmate situation...

It was a checkmate situation before.

I've got four brothers. I know when a bloke's lying.

Come on, Bernie. You played a good game. Don't let's spoil it.

Mr Trueman was right. You are a cheat.

And you're a bad loser.

Have fun playing with yourself.

KEYPAD BEEPS

DOOR OPENS

-Hello?

-Hi.

Found them!

Been catching up with Lou. We were like family in Portugal.

Why aren't you at school, Lou?

It's my fault, Sharon. I'm sorry. I bumped into her earlier.

I couldn't resist stealing her for the day.

Selfish, I know.

Lou, could you go upstairs, please? We'll talk later.

-I'm not a child.

-Do not push me.

She's right. We can do the photo thing any other time.

Don't be cross with her. I'm a terrible influence.

I saw you back here weeks ago.

Why come sniffing around Louise now?

What a lovely turn of phrase you have.

Oh, trust me, my language can get a whole lot more colourful.

I'm sorry. Have I done something to offend you?

That girl does not need her head filling with stories about her mother.

I can assure you, that's not why I'm here.

Then why are you here?

Has Phil not told you, then?

-What?

-I wonder why.

I suggest you get out of my house right now.

I'm Ciara's sister-in-law.

-Who?

-Ciara.

The woman that your husband and his band of merry men ripped off.

And as you can imagine, she's not a happy bunny.

-I don't know what you're talking about.

-Oh, come on, Sharon.

Cut the crap. You're no more of a dumb blonde than I am.

Is that supposed to be a compliment?

This is really lovely. Thank you.

Nothing compared to what Noor can make.

Your mother told me what an excellent homemaker you are.

Do you like samosas?

Auntie Mariam says Masood made some for his girlfriend.

More chai?

Arshad? Daisy?

Come on, let's go and help.

-I....

-No... Listen, she didn't mean it.

I don't really have a girlfriend.

Look, I'm really sorry, but I don't want to lead you on...

What?

You're obviously a nice man, but I don't want to get married.

I don't want children.

I only came here to keep my mum off my back.

Snap! I'm only doing this to make it up to my aunt.

Why?

It's a long story.

So you don't want a wife?

No, I really don't.

What do you reckon? Can you face one more cuppa?

Or shall we go somewhere else?

You like a drink, then?

Any chance I can have one?

Thank you.

So, what do you want?

To find out where the money is.

Yeah? Join the club.

I heard Phil gave away his assets - where does that leave you?

Been grilling Louise, have you?

I'd have been really annoyed. They're not even your kids.

What do you care whether or not they're set up?

We're all family.

That's the deal here.

What Phil wants to do with his money is his lookout. I've got my own.

-The independent woman?

-That's right.

I've been a single mum - it's in my bones.

So, how long have you been in on the heist?

I was never in on it.

Phil doesn't talk to me about stuff like that.

But you found out?

Most of us wives did.

Had Linda round here in a panic earlier this week

when they kidnapped Mick.

-But it wasn't him?

-So it seems.

-So who was it?

-I've no idea.

This is Phil's mess. Ask him.

He says he doesn't know either.

Well, there you go.

I'm sorry, but I can't help you.

Prove it.

What?

Do you know the combination to his safe?

OUR safe?

Show me inside.

If it's not there, I'll believe you.

You ever heard of greens?

Come on, no need to be silly.

That's all I am to you, ain't it? Silly.

I'm good enough to dig your spuds and pick your sprouts

but not good enough to play chess.

-Two hot chocolates, please, Marie.

-Sure.

You need something to wash the chips down.

Bet you thought I'd never beat you.

Well, you haven't yet.

Should've never given me that book.

I'll be better than you and Mr Trueman in no time.

HE CHUCKLES

We could set up in here if you're not rushing off home.

Can I have squirty cream and sprinkles on my hot chocolate?

That's taking the pee, that is.

So this is all about cooking samosas?

Well, we can't all be solicitors.

-Divorce lawyer.

-Oh...

I spend my life listening to people shout at each other.

Hence 38. No marriage. No kids.

-Which makes you about 99 in Pakistani years.

-Yeah!

Ah. I need to get back to work.

Oh...

It was surprisingly nice to meet you.

Yeah, and you.

If you ever need a solicitor...

Company law. Divorce. Samosas.

-I know where to come.

-Mmm!

Oh, and...some free advice.

Register your business.

Get your food hygiene certificate from the council.

And tell your chachi the truth.

The bitterest truth is better than the sweetest lie.

Is that Shakespeare?

Men in Black 3.

KEYPAD BEEPS

There.

Satisfied?

Do you trust Phil?

Do I trust him?

Do you think he's ripped off Aidan and has got the money stashed away,

waiting for his moment to fly off somewhere?

You do trust him?

I know him. That's different.

He won't want to spend the rest of his days getting sunburnt on his tod.

Six figures could buy him some sun lotion.

And probably a few women to rub it into him too.

He's East End through and through.

Only way he's going to leave is in his coffin.

And besides, he loves me.

Soul mates, are you?

I'm not 16, Mel, I don't believe in hearts and flowers.

But you do believe in all this?

-All what?

-Living here.

Playing trophy wife?

I'm nobody's trophy.

You said it yourself - Phil didn't tell you about the heist.

He thought you were too stupid to notice he was up to something.

If that's what you want to tell yourself, Mel.

I never fancied it.

Fancied what?

Being Mrs Philip Mitchell.

Neither did he, else he'd have gone back for seconds.

Nah, I don't play second fiddle to a man.

Me and Phil are equals.

I've got my own money, don't forget.

So you don't trust him?

He's a man, isn't he?

MEL LAUGHS

I like you, Sharon.

You've got hidden depths.

DOOR OPENS

Well, as much you're doing wonders for my ego, I think it's time you left.

DENNIS: Mum, I'm starving.

Did you get in those biscuits?

Yes, darling, in the kitchen.

Hi. I'm Mel - friend from way back.

You must be Dennis?

-Whose friend?

-Phil's.

Go on. Make yourself scarce. See you in a minute.

You can see yourself out.

Don't be like that. We're just starting to hit it off.

If you don't leave I'll call the police.

We've got more in common than you realise, Sharon.

-I doubt that very much.

-I've got a son.

Couple of years older than Dennis.

His name's Hunter.

Steve Owen's son?

So I know what it's like to be a single mum to a boy whose dad died

before he'd even seen him.

I know what a burden that is.

But I also know how special it is too.

That's why I'm here.

Please, just let me explain.

Did you have fun?

She's nice.

You think so?

But I'm afraid I told her the truth.

I'm a penniless, washed-up, middle-aged man with an ex- wife

and four kids I barely see.

-You didn't?

-I did.

And, you know what?

It felt good.

Ever since I got back here I've been pretending to be someone I'm not.

You've been finding your feet.

Chachi-ji... Listen.

If I'm going to make something of my life,

then we both need to be honest.

Starting with this...

I don't want a wife.

Daisy made that.

Is this me?

And that's a samosa.

The shop on the high street is still open.

And if I'm going to teach you the family recipes,

we need ingredients.

So shall we make a list?

Yeah....

And now Ciara's got Hunter.

What, she's threatening to hurt him?

It's complicated. But if I don't get her money back,

she'll make sure he never speaks to me again.

She's got something on you?

Let's just say that life hasn't been that straightforward for me.

Has it for anyone?

I don't care about men any more, Sharon.

I would happily live the rest of my life as a single woman.

But the one man I cannot breathe without...

..is my son.

You know how that feels, don't you?

Look, Mel, I feel sorry for you, but it doesn't mean I can help you.

Aidan's not going anywhere.

Nor is Ciara.

Difference is - if Ciara gets the money, she'll stop looking.

If Aidan gets it, he'll punish the person who took it.

He'll punish their entire family.

Sometimes it takes an outside eye to see what's been going on.

I understand Sharon, I do.

You're not the trophy wife.

You're not the little lady indoors.

You've put up with a lot from Phil -

his womanising,

drinking, dodgy deals.

And at the end of the day,

you deserve to know that you're going to be looked after.

But Phil was never going to do that, was he?

He's too busy thinking about his legacy to care about you.

Well, screw him.

Screw Phil Mitchell.

No-one does that to you.

-No-one.

-No.

No, they don't.

He took the money?

No, I took it.

I took it from right under his nose.