12/03/2018 EastEnders

Um...

Oi!

You going to move this van or what?

-I'm going to get some breakfast, darling, you want some?

-Please...!

Mmm, Mummy looks good!

Broke it, set it, broke it, set it...

Just leave me alone.

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

It's only a trial!

You ain't going without a bit of bacon.

She's proud of you. We all are.

-I thought you had school?

-Oi!

Mum, Phil's going to flip if I'm late.

Keanu! It's a bit of bacon!

HE SIGHS

Here you go, Patrick.

Same again, please, love.

Slip us an extra rasher?

Hey, man, you got no chance at all.

Yeah, but I'm a growing boy, ain't I? This young lady can see that.

You're sure about that?

Since when did we do extra rashers?

Oh, it's to shut him up.

-Ian!

-Kia Ora.

-Mick?

-Yeah, all right, babe.

I was going to do you a nice bit of breakfast.

Mick?

-You're chucking our money away!

-He shoved petrol through our door!

-He's not coming back.

-And if he does, the alarm will go off.

-You're scared. I get it.

-I'm just being sensible.

No, it got a bit lairy. You're jumping at shadows...

-Don't make this a joke.

-I'm not laughing!

I'm just saying he's not coming back. Trust me, baby. Yeah?

You break anything, and you pay for it.

Yeah, well, when I was doing my apprenticeship...

No birds, no dramas.

Yeah, yeah, sweet.

And don't wear your breakfast.

-Sorry...

-CAR HORN HONKS

First customer.

Keanu?

If today ain't my day, it will never be.

You got buff, son! Come and give me some love.

Come on.

-All right, see you, Marie. Thanks.

-See you later.

-Cheers.

-See ya.

-Thanks, Mum.

-What is that on your face?

You gone all hipster on me or something?

No, I just thought I'd try something new.

Well, don't try it for too long.

-So, don't you want to go to sleep?

-Flat bed.

All the way from New Zealand?

Yeah, I mean, obviously,

-you wouldn't splash out if you're paying for two...

-How's Peter?

Yeah, he's doing a lot better. I read this article on the way out...

Yeah, and what about Simon? Did you see Simon?

They give you this magazine, you know, when you fly business.

-It was all about the key to success.

-Just a minute, love.

The past is in the past and it must stay in the past.

The future is for the making and today is the day to make it.

-Right.

-Oh! And I'll tell you the other thing about New Zealand...

-All right...

-Yeah, I should go and serve, I think...

It is full of 50-somethings who retired too early,

and thought they should travel didn't know where they should go

so they end up where you can drive on the left and it looks like Wales.

-Is it?

-Yeah, and I'm not going to end up like that.

That's where they shot the Hobbit. I am no-one's Hobbit.

I'm going back to where I'm best.

Well, I thought the past was the past, you know,

-and it was yesterday...

-Rebuilding the Beale empire.

All right, I've even learnt a Haka.

OK, if I do it every morning, it gives you focus and determination.

I'm like a glacier. And I mean you should see their glaciers over there.

I mean, nothing is going to stand in my way.

You'll have to show me this magazine.

-Tomorrow is today and today starts with the chippy.

-No!

-I've had a flat bed. I'm not tired.

-Ain't no-one here serving?

-"Rudeness is a short cut for fools."

-I ain't ordered a lecture.

I ain't ordered anything yet.

-Well, the manager will be with you...

-I'm the owner.

..when she's had her morning motivation.

Actually, I need to go and see a supplier,

so maybe tomorrow can start in here?

I knew you couldn't cope without me.

Do you know, some days,

I can hardly put the kettle on.

Right, young sir, what can I get ya?

HE HUMS TO HIMSELF

You're a horse!

I was working out a move.

Pat'n'Ted.

"Patented".

Do I look like a horse?

You should put a bet on.

When is it running?

Tomorrow.

Is this whole paper just...

Ted...

Check.

-What's 6:1?

-Six to one. It means it's rubbish.

Means it's a good return.

HE CHUCKLES

Are you playing?

You want to bet on things where you can control the outcome.

Like chess?

Check...mate.

50 quid.

Next game.

You should be saving for Australia!

I never said I was the one playing.

Is there a problem?

Boy knows his stuff, like watching a surgeon go to work.

Think it could be a leaking slave cylinder.

He'll have it done for you this afternoon.

Well, I'll wait.

Listen, you can tell Aidan Maguire this place is off limits...

-What now?

-He, um... He ain't from Aidan.

I know him.

Lot of tension around here, eh, son?

-Ian loves a samosa!

-Well, just give him a couple of days

-to find his feet.

-Everyone loves a samosa.

Well, they will do, if I ever get to work.

He, er... He doesn't know.

He wasn't even happy with me giving you the job.

You lied to him?

No, I was just a bit economical with the truth, that's all.

Yeah, well, I won't have him ruin my business.

His business.

I'm not scared of your son.

No, neither am I.

Yeah, well, he won't even notice I'm there.

If you want a reduced price, you can have yesterday's.

Nah, he don't like tomato with his cheese.

-"Unadventurous people..."

-Give us a bun instead.

It's his first day with Phil.

Oh, good luck to him.

Oh! You're back!

Oh, Kim. As sharp as ever.

He's been in bed all the way.

No, not in bed. Had a bed.

And Kathy's got you working already? Respect to the woman.

Gone to see a supplier.

And respect to the samosas!

Have you been to the chippy and tasted 'em? Full of flavours.

Very flavoursome.

Yeah, I went to the towers looking for you all,

but some geezer said your mum had moved around here.

Yeah, they moved on again since.

-What, and you stayed?

-Yeah.

On your own?

Yeah, on my own.

Couldn't believe it when I saw the towers all boarded up.

I thought, "How am I going to find my princess now?" You know?

If she wanted you to find her, she would've...

And then, my clutch went, I find the nearest garage and boom!

I mean, come on, this is what you call fate.

TOOLS CLATTER

Look, I'll, er...

-I'll nip off until you've finished, yeah?

-Yeah, she's gone.

So, there's no point you sniffing.

All right, son. That's cool.

Give us a call when you're done.

I've only been playing a few months!

It's like taking sweets from a baby!

Remember your openings.

You know, man, I've got a new woman, you know?

Only me!

Brought the worker a sticky bun.

-Mum...

-I would've brought it earlier,

but I got caught by a stubborn stain.

Yeah, you need to go, all right.

So, how's the morning been?

Mum, Phil don't like people coming here.

Yeah, maybe I got a car that needs servicing.

And maybe you can't drive.

Look at you, in charge of a garage.

I ain't in charge, Mum. If Phil comes back he's not...

Oh, come on. I've just bought my son a treat for his lunch!

No, he'll be back soon. And when he comes back, he's not going to...

All right, stop keeping me from my dryers.

DOOR SLAMS

Mick? Over, is it?

-Funny.

-Jumping at shadows, am I?

More abrupt.

No, my son's not abrupt.

"What are you selling foreign food in here for?"

"What you selling foreign food in here for?"

No, you come round here and be me.

I thought this was just you showing me

-how we were going to persuade him?

-Come here. Come on.

-SHE GROANS

-OK, this is how it goes.

"We sell chips, Masood. And fish.

"Fish and chips.

"Sausage and chips.

"Pie and chips.

"This is a chip shop."

Yeah, well, you still haven't come up with a single reason

why he's not going to kill the pair of us.

"Is this called Masood's Plaice?

"No. It is called Beale's Plaice.

"Because it is mine.

"The Plaice of the Beales.

"I do not go away on holiday to come back to find my chip shop,

"my shop of chips, my lovely shop of British chips

"my British chip shop of British chips

"with British salt

"and British vinegar to find..."

Samosas?

-She found me on the internet, you know?

-Just stop talking, yeah?

Yeah, man. Me and her, back in them days...

Think it through.

Now, what you want to go to Australia for, then?

No! Bernie!

Oi!

-Started as a mistake.

-What, the impression or the samosa?

Oh, no, the impression was on purpose.

So, how can a samosa be a mistake?

-Just hear him out.

-Whose side are you on?

She's been persuading me

that you're not a pig-headed, obstinate little...

No, I never said "pig-headed".

Right, so, this samosa, it just dropped itself in the fryer, did it?

-Actually, people love them.

-People love chips.

-Chips and a samosa.

-Yeah, which they go to the curry house for.

-Only round here they can't...

-Don't go there.

Because the curry house is shut, because the owner was so incompetent.

-Yeah, you went there...

-Look, Masood asked me and...

What? And you went behind me back.

Well, you were busy off being a glacier!

We sell chips, Masood.

And fish.

Fish and chips.

-Sausage and...?

-Sausage and chips, yeah.

-I thought you was all about adventure now?

-Right, pie and chips.

-In a world that didn't look like Wales?

-It's a chip shop.

-Just look at the books, Ian!

-Yeah, I will look at the books.

I'm going to look at about how much I'm paying you.

I could've started this again on the market.

Yeah, right my business, my decisions.

-Ian, you're just jet-lagged.

-I am not jet-lagged!

Kept all the profits to myself...

You keep going on about these profits, what profits?

Sorry, love. We're closed.

-Oh, hello again.

-Hey.

Could I have a couple of samosas, please?

Oh, a couple of samosas, sir?

Yeah, yeah.

Actually, make it four.

Four samosas.

Yes, please.

Four profitable samosas.

Well, get cooking then!

I'm sorry, we're actually a chip shop.

I don't pay you to stand around, Masood.

Get cooking.

I never made you lose your money.

No-one has lost anything.

That's your Australia fund.

-You can beat him.

-Oh, yeah, course I can.

I believe in you.

You just care about your 50 quid.

-I told ya, Phil don't like...

-Hey...

I just brought you some lunch, kid.

-So, how's it going? We winning?

-We're getting there.

Getting there? You're charging me by the hour, boy.

You'd know all about that, wouldn't you, Mitch?

Look, I got this new job, yeah?

They're putting some flats up by the docks.

I could ask around, see if they need any labourers, or whatever?

I've got a job.

Qualifications as well, actually.

That's good.

That's well good.

I'm well in with these guys, you know? Learning fast.

I'll be a property developer soon just get a couple of houses.

I just gotta get the finance behind me, you know?

-Yeah, well, we've not got the money, Mitch, all right?

-Look, son.

I'm glad you're doing well for yourself.

I always said you should get a trade.

You're done.

Could you check this tyre for me?

It's a bit bald and it's an easy pull, please?

So any girlfriends?

Girlfriend, eh? You ever see Kandice, eh?

How's your brother?

-Brothers.

-Ah, right, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. And your sister?

Bernie's fine.

I was talking about Chantelle?

She's moved out.

Has Mum got a fella?

-Hey, listen, you go anywhere near my mum...

-Hey, be nice, man.

I still love her.

Yeah, well, she hates your guts.

-You can't stop me from finding her, son.

-Watch me.

HE LAUGHS Ain't you sacked yet?

Nah.

Yeah, well, Mum wants to know what time you finish

cos she wants to get some chicken and celebrate.

-Come on, then. Show us your new toys.

-You need to go.

-Have you got a grinder in there?

-You can't, Phil's in a bad mood.

All right. Chill out. Mum sent me.

HE SIGHS

Ah... Your...

Your phone was ringing and...

Samosa?

Check.

Checkmate.

50 quid, yeah?

I told Chaconia I'd be online.

Chaconia? What sort of a name's that?

Double or quits?

Few more miles for your Australia fund.

I said I believed in you.

SHE CHUCKLES

Had a good teacher, didn't ya?

THEY CHUCKLE

I don't want to see you again, Mitch.

You can't escape fate, son.

Say hello to Mum, yeah?

Did he pay his bill?

Mitch! Mitch!

ALARM BEEPS

Must have been Lady Di.

BARKING

Lady Di!

It's not her fault!

Turn that thing off!

Tomorrow starts today.

I think you spelt my name wrong.

The past is in the past.

There's no B in Masood.

Do you know how I start my day?

The night before, obviously.

With the Haka.

Oh, cultural appropriation.

Have you ever flown in a flat bed?

I really missed this, you know.

Running a business with you again.

-It was better with Jane.

-Was better with Zainab.

Yeah, but Masala Queen was good.

-But this, this is going to be just...

-Right, Masood,

I don't know what my mum has led you to expect...

I told her, he might be pig-headed and obstinate,

-but once he hears the till...

-You work for me.

When I just made chips for you, I worked for you.

OK, you finessed this idea whilst you were an employee of Beale's.

-Yeah, but you don't own my head!

-No, I think you'll find that I own

the intellectual property rights to all of the samosa business.

I agreed a 50% stake with your mum!

-Cooking is in your job description.

-I don't have a job description!

-All right, so you'll continue to be paid...

-On minimum wage?

No, at the rate you are currently being paid.

While you fly around the world in flat beds?

I could discipline you for cooking off-menu items.

Customer.

ALARM STOPS

SHE SIGHS

Well, at least we know it works.

Last week, I thought...

I just thought I'm still here.

He's gone.

It's over.

You're not the only one who's jumping at shadows.

But, like you said, there's no-one there.

No. We get scared, we talk.

We remind each other that it's over.

It's not though, is it?

Tell him.

You have got two minutes to get back in there.

-He's trying to steal my business!

-Your business?

-What have you done?

-Yeah. Kathy and I were trying to diversify...

She didn't have the authority to make the decision.

Oh, and who did, then? The man in the flat bed doing the Haka?

Thank you.

Are you two...?

-BOTH:

-No!

I told you.

Cultural appropriation.

-If you accuse me of...

-Stealing.

-No! It's a chip shop!

-Where do you think fish and chips come from?

-Have I missed something?

-Portuguese Jews.

-No, they're English.

-They're as English as hot dogs!

-German!

-All right, Kebabs! No, not kebabs...

-Turkish!

-Ian, you need to calm down.

-Yeah, do as Mummy says, Ian.

He wants a share of our business!

-Which he has been expanding.

-Yeah, exactly.

Which I have paid into!

I took the risks not that either of you two are bothered about it...

-Masood...

-Right, that's it.

-No, Masood...

-OK, I quit!

No, you can't quit.

You are fired.

This is about you missing Jane, isn't it, Ian?

Jane's moved on. So have I.

Ian, I think we should all just calm down.

She was always too good for you. You may end up being rich, Ian.

But you will always be alone.

And samosas, they are my intellectual property.

Hardly a horse's head on our pillow, is it?

Could be a shooter!

Well, didn't go off when you put it in there.

Or drugs?

A set-up?

One of his little games, a message.

Look, if it is from him, if it is some sort of message...

-Yeah, then we deal with it.

-Together.

Who frames a message?

Ain't he heard of a text?

What? What?

Mick?

-SHE LAUGHS

-I love it!

I forgot I ordered it.

I love you, Linda Carter.

Well, you are going to have to love me later.

Because we've got a pub to run.

I thought he was going to sack me an' all.

From your own cafe?

And he didn't sack me. I quit.

Yeah, well, it was fun, wasn't it? While it lasted?

It had its moments.

Actually I wanted to ask...

Yeah?

-Only I left the samosas in the shop and...

-Of course.

Course.

You know they're from Iceland?

I'm not in the mood, I've just got off a flight.

You should try a flat bed.

You, um... You got any samosas?

We've got chips.

I said two minutes.

-Mel!

-Ian!

Do you know this plank, Mum?

-I thought you were just passing?

-I'm reopening the club.

-What R&R?

-E20.

Do us two small cod and chips, please.

Yeah, my pleasure.

Extra chips. HE CHUCKLES

THEY LAUGH

-I've got a job, you've got a job...

-I used to have a job.

-You used to have a job.

-Here, what are you smiling about?

-Nothing.

-She's after that last bit of chicken.

This year's turning out to be proper cushty.

DOORBELL BUZZES

10p says Jehovah's Witnesses.

Any of you fancy finding Jesus?

-INSISTENT BUZZING

-You know, they'll get bored.

Oi, Keegan! Your brother's eating.

I'm eating.

Ask 'em why dinosaurs ain't in the Bible.

SHE CACKLES

Here, I'll go.

BUZZING CONTINUES

Hey.

-I thought you did a runner?

-Yeah, totally sorry, son.

I totally forgot, mate. Look, there you go.

£250. It's all there.

You...you followed me home, didn't ya?

It's a big house for just one person?

-Yeah, it's flats!

-Oh, really?

-Karen!

-Get back in your van and go!

-Keegan! Karen!

-I'm not going to tell you, Mitch!

-Karen!!

Keanu!

-Nice.

-Yeah.

Eh, you ain't changed a bit, girl.

What's he doing here? Unless he was recruited by Jesus?

-Don't ask me.

-He was just going.

-You knew he was about, didn't ya?

-Keegan, get back inside.

-Wow, you've grown, boy.

-You're not going to do this again.

-Keanu.

Ain't you going to give your old man a hug?