13/03/2018 EastEnders

CROCKERY CLATTERS

Why would he just turn up like this?

Cos that's what he does.

So, your new best mate too scared to come

-and get the stuff himself, is he?

-Is that yours?

Oh, no, I thought it was your nose you'd cut off to spite your face.

Running a successful business

is about making the right decisions at the right time.

That little gem was in your in-flight business magazine, was it?

You're either a winner or a loser in this world.

-Well, let's hope you're not a loser, then.

-Don't you worry about that.

It's how you come out the starting blocks that counts.

Not how you finish.

DOOR BUZZER SOUNDS

Leave it.

-< Karen.

-BUZZING CONTINUES

Mum?

Ignore him and he'll go away.

< Karen! Do you really want to do this?

< Well, come on, girl, I just want to catch up.

BUZZER CONTINUES

< Karen, do you know how cold it is in this van?

BUZZER SOUNDS

Kaz!

Ah! Here they are, the East End's answer to the Waltons.

-We told you last night to jog on.

-Where's the other two?

They're at their dad's.

-A proper dad, a bloke who wants to spend time with their kids.

-Son...

Look at you.

What happened to the scrawny little boy I used to know?

What do you want?

I want to see my family, catch up.

Keegan, you want to see your dad?

Want to spend some time with your old man?

I'm late for school.

Another time, yeah?

Be gone when I get back from work,

otherwise it won't be your van that you're leaving in.

Mum, you know he never turns up unless he wants something.

-Promise me you're not going to fall for this nonsense again?

-Course.

Your son don't want to see ya, I don't want to see ya,

-so get in your clapped-out van and do one.

-Hey, you don't mean that.

-Kaz! Come on.

-DOOR SLAMS

Remember, Kee, the bloke's bad news.

Always was, always will be.

REGGAE MUSIC PLAYS

HE CHUCKLES

Bottom line is that takings are down.

Yeah, well, having a crack den in the gents don't help.

We need to get our nuts together.

Think of a way to get her back to her old self.

Yeah, well, is being her old self really what we want for the Vic?

Please, don't anybody suggest that we start selling craft beers.

No, no, this is our gaff again, so we do what we do.

I was thinking maybe Dickie Ticker...

-Comedy night?

-Stop it.

-Not after what he did with that pickled egg.

-Yeah, yeah.

What about an Open Mic night? That's always good for a giggle.

Yeah, we could do a little duet...

# I wanna really, really, really wanna zig-a-zig, ah... #

Yeah, all right, Beardy Spice,

we want to bring the punters in, not scare 'em off for life.

What we need is Johnny and his special quiz nights.

Yeah, come on, then. Come on, ideas, team, ideas.

Yeah, it's looking good out there.

Yeah, it'd be looking a lot better if the workmen actually showed up

when they were supposed to.

You should crack the whip more, you were always good at that.

What is it you actually want, Ian?

I was just passing. I just thought I'd, you know,

pop in, see how it was going.

Us local entrepreneurs we gotta stick together, haven't we?

I mean, must be long hours, getting this place off of the ground

and then going home and looking after... Gunter?

Hunter.

Hunter, Hunter, sorry. Hunter.

Or does your husband look after him?

I'm not being rude, but I've got a hell of a lot to do.

No, no, sure, sure...

Look, maybe we could catch up later? Talk business.

Ian, I don't think...

Mel, I've got a lot of good contacts in Walford Commerce.

OK, I could put you in touch with people

who'll help you make a real go of this place.

-It's all about good contacts.

-I've got contacts.

Well, obviously, not good enough ones, judging by your contractors.

Look, you've been away a long time, I can help open doors for ya.

OK, why don't we have a quick catch up around six-ish.

-All right. In the Vic?

-Whatever.

-All right. It's a date.

As the old Maori proverb goes, "E mua kaikai, e muri kai huare."

Sorry?

"Early risers get the pickings, latecomers only get spittle."

You won it, fair and square.

I'm not taking your money, Patrick.

-Look, take the damn money now, man.

-I don't want it.

I pay my debts, you know,

because I don't have to listen to you

crowing about how a teenage girl beat me.

Stock up on some more rum, or stick it in a charity box

if it makes you feel any better.

It's your money, Patrick, you can do with it as you please.

I thought you needed money to go to Oz?

Well, I'm not going to get very far on 50 quid, am I?

Unless you're going to add a couple of noughts to it.

HE SCOFFS

Got it sorted.

-What?

-Steak night!

-Steak?

-Yeah, I got all that lot

for 30 quid off the meat van near Turpin Road.

What's the geezer do?

Empty his bins straight in the bag?

Fry it up a bit, put a load of gravy on it, and then pile on the chips.

-Are you sure it's even beef?

-Think about the mark up.

-It stinks, look.

Look at it, Fifty Shades Of Grey.

Yeah, well, maybe it's...

only a couple of days near it's use by date...

Yeah, yeah, if it was used last week...

Look, there's no way that that's off.

Look, even if it's not off, you can't serve that as steak.

I'm trying to make us money here.

Yeah, well, unless you can make that edible, you just wasted 30 notes.

Good luck.

SHE GRUNTS

We dancing? Romancing. We prancing? Sorry...

Now, that is the face of a winner.

Well, you know, but I broke my own rules though, you know.

Ignored the form, Put my money on a name.

-Destiny Woman.

-Destiny?

-Mmm, 12:1.

-Nice!

Strongest force in the universe, my friend.

That may be so but at the end of the day,

man has to make his own choices.

True, my brother, true.

And I've made a few bad ones.

But not today, not today.

Yeah, man!

What's this?

That's Ian making Britain great again.

Here, you know about catering.

What can I do with that in the Vic later on?

Ugh! Put a hazard sign on it and cremate it.

It's fine.

Offcuts of loin and braising steak?

Yeah, all right, Huw Fearnley what's-his-name,

-what do you do after you've braised it?

-You got loads of options.

Well, what would you do if it was you?

Thank you.

Adios, Senorita.

I was hoping you could slot me in.

SHE GROANS

No salt.

He ain't going to have changed, is he?

-If he's here to upset Mum, then...

-Saying he wants to catch up.

Saying he wants to see me, like... What's all that about?

Right, I know he's your dad, but him suddenly turning up like this,

you've gotta ask yourself why?

And, knowing him, it ain't going to be for anything good, is it?

I was going to leave, but little horsey told me to stay.

So, am I going to get a service or not?

Why don't you do it yourself? Always was your thing.

Ah...

That's my Kazza.

No-one calls me that.

You really think you can turn up here after five years

and just expect me to welcome you with open arms?

Well, you did after Keanu.

Yeah, I was young and stupid, then. Still thought you was God's gift.

-I took on another man's baby.

-Yeah, and then scarpered again

-when your own son was born.

-Then I come back and took on a whole tribe.

-What are you doing?

-Well, it's dirty.

Don't you dare.

Well, it's not as if you ain't seen it all before, right?

If you take anything else off, then...

Well, looks like I'm stuck here till my laundry's done.

Maybe we should catch up while I'm waiting?

RADIO PLAYS RACING COMMENTARY

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

You haven't seen my phone, have you?

-Have you checked in the kitchen?

-No.

Move. Ah.

Here you are. Oh!

Will you look at the state of this sofa!

All we're sitting on is the frame.

Come on, it's comfy enough, man.

Really?

Do you know, if that sofa was a dog,

we'd have had it put out of its misery by now.

Huh.

DOOR CLOSES

Oh. Oh...

COMMENTARY CONTINUES

-RADIO:

-..Lucky Prayer from Benny Bunting in second.

At this early stage, Rogue Element tracks them in third...

You still all right to cover the chippy later?

Yes, course, but what are you playing at?

I thought you came back to build your empire not disappear all day.

You can't build an empire unless you're going to look the part.

-Oh! New clothes?

-Yeah, new clothes maketh the new man.

So, where are you going to be tonight?

-It's just a meeting.

-With who?

Just a meeting, not with anyone important.

Ian, can we make tonight a bit later, please? About 6.30?

-I've gotta sort out some dinner for Hunter.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-That's fine. 6.30.

-Great. See you later.

A meeting!

She wants some advice from a successful businessman.

SHE SCOFFS

-It'll be done first thing tomorrow, love, all right?

-Yeah.

I'd get out of here quick, darling. I just came in for directions.

What's the matter? You turned shy?

No, I'm more concerned I'll throw up my breakfast.

Eh! This is the body of a god.

Cross dressing?

Well, if you're into it, I'll give it a go.

Is that a smile?

Do you remember we used to hang out in that launderette,

just to keep warm, under the towers.

You'd sneak out, we'd meet up.

Your mum would have had a fit if she knew it was me you were seeing.

Always had good instincts, my mum.

You were the first girl I loved.

Mm! Then there was that bird from the bookies'.

The sort from the newsagent's and don't forget my mate, Liz.

All right, I messed up a couple of times.

But I could see you weren't happy. You deserved better than me.

And when Keanu threatened me, I thought just keep on going, mate.

I mean, you probably would've found yourself a new bloke by now, right?

I mean, why wouldn't you? An amazing woman like yourself.

But I just couldn't go.

Couldn't leave.

Kazza, I've been a fool.

Even more of a fool than I look now.

But I want you back in my life.

I want to know who my children are.

I don't even know if I've got grandkids.

And why should I believe it'll be different this time?

Cos I'm different. I'm older, wiser, that fire in my belly's dying down.

I want to take it easy now.

I've got a new job.

I've got much more to offer you.

I've got my life in order...

nearly.

Hiya. All right?

Right. How's it looking?

Yep, all good. Did you and Linda put out flyers?

Yeah, I whacked it on a board out the front.

-This meat is a bit lean...

-Good.

-And you're sure this ain't Jekyll?

No, it's fine, it's just cooked up a bit different than I'm used to.

Well, if anyone can weave their magic...

What's with the spuds?

Curry and chips. couldn't get more East End than that, eh?

Go on, trust me, I should know. Have a go. It's proper pukka...

No, I think I'll let me mother have a go. Love a Ruby, don't ya?

I'll have a plate later on.

Well, you don't want to insult the chef, do ya?

-Good?

-Mmm.

And there's me thinking you'd bought a bag of moody meat.

Looks like we're all set to go, don't it.

RADIO: They turn into the famous home straight...

Oh, Patented, come on now, man, where are you? Come...

-RADIO: Betty Jim with Curry King tucked in behind...

-Oh, no, no, no.

..and as they approach the final flight,

it's Betty Jim still being pushed by Curry King.

Curry King takes it well.

And Patented is moving into contention on the outside.

-Patented, yes, come on!

-Patented is now picking up.

-Come on...

-Betty Jim is fading with Curry King still strong.

-Come on, Patented.

-Come on, come on, Patented.

-Patented now upside Curry King.

Half a furlong to go and only a neck in it,

-Curry King, Patented.

-Yes! Yes!

-Patented just in front.

-Yes!

Final few strides. Curry King, Patented...

Can't be separated as they cross the line together...

-Come on, yes, yes!

-Desperately tight...

-But it's Patented the winner.

-Yeah! Patented! Yeah!

Yeah, man! Patented!

Patented!

Pat and Ted.

Yeah, man.

Yeah, man!

Patented.

Yeah, man!

What?

Oh...

You can have the drying on the house,

add it to the maintenance you never pay me.

And when I slip into my pants I'll remember you.

I really missed you, Kaz.

-You always end up hurting me, Mitch.

-I used to.

Hey, look, can I come for a cup of tea, eh?

It's going to be freezing in the van tonight.

No strings.

Oh, look who it is.

The Invisible Man...

Mother, punters need Rubies.

So, what went down, then?

Maguire's gone. Everything's sweet.

It's over.

So just go home, go home to your missus, go home to your little girl.

Go enjoy the rest of your life like I'm doing.

-Nice shirt.

-Ah, thank you.

-What's that? Curry and chips?

-Yep, and a drink, all for six jib.

Sounds good. Fancy it?

-Sure, why not.

-I'll grab us a table.

-You all right?

-Hiya.

Can I get you a drink? Sure, yeah, white wine, please.

Here you go...

Thanks.

All right.

-What can I get ya? Couple of curries?

-Yeah, yeah, please.

-That'd be good.

-All right. You get your drinks at the bar.

Still a white wine?

Yeah.

Oh, I've already got one, thanks.

Oh, right, oh.

Jack, have you met my ex, Mel?

Yeah, yeah, I have, yeah.

Got to hand it to you, Mother, you and Mas, you've cooked up a winner.

-Everyone loves a curry night.

-I know. Look at 'em, look.

They can't get enough of it.

And we did all of that

without serving it in a flowerpot or on a slate.

Luck, innit, eh?

I was just about to send out a search party.

I had a few late washes that needed finishing.

-Pizzas?

-Yeah, I thought I'd treat us all to dinner.

-Seriously?

-Keanu, love...

-One day, Mum.

-You couldn't even do one day.

-You don't have to be like this...

-I don't want to hear it.

-Mum, why is he even here?

Not to cause trouble.

That's a new one.

Yeah, and he ain't eaten today.

Look, he's just popped in for a cup of tea

and a bit of pizza with us all. That's...

So, who wants pepperoni and who wants barbecue chicken?

-Mum?

-Make us a cup of tea please, darling.

You, erm, you need to leave.

Actually, I was going to ask your mum if I could stay the night.

-Here we go.

-Just one night, two tops.

-No...

-I mean, I can sleep down here.

-I sleep in here.

-I'm sure we could sort something out, eh?

-No, I'm sure we can't.

No, come on, I think it's just best you leave, yeah?

A pot of tea and a pizza, guys. Hmm?

And a chance to find out what you've been up to all this time?

All of you...

I changed your nappies, put a roof over your head.

Loved you all the same.

I'm asking for one chance.

Mum said she wants you to leave.

All right, Son.

Fair enough.

It's a stuffed crust.

Well, I never thought I'd be sat in here with you again.

You and me both.

That's what I learnt in New Zealand.

It's all about new opportunities and being ready to seize them.

And what opportunities can you steer my way, Ian?

-Because that's why I'm here.

-Here you go.

Here is a list of registered tradesmen,

all approved by the Walford Commerce group.

Reliable and good value for money.

Still the same old Ian, saving the pennies.

Well, it's good business to look for deals,

and as for the same old Ian, no.

Is that right?

Yeah. You never get anywhere in life if you stand still.

You have to keep moving forward. The past is in the past.

-It's what's ahead of you.

-And what's ahead of you, Ian?

Grub's up.

Where's my curry?

Well, the chef told me to say that he's aware that you don't like curry

but he thought you might like this...

Seems like my curry's a hit again, how does that make you feel, Beale.

It's about your level, ain't it? Pub grub.

Right, turn it in, the pair of you. Mas, kitchen, please.

And you call these chips? I've seen crispier lettuce leaves.

I made the limp ones especially for you, make you feel at home.

-Mas, kitchen.

-Ian, sit down.

I'll give you your money back, Ian, all right?

-I want an apology from you.

-You can whistle for that.

-Yeah?

Oi.

This was a brand-new shirt and it's ruined.

You are going to pay for it.

Had to get lairy, didn't it?

It wouldn't be our boozer if it didn't.

Listen, have a chat with that geezer down at the meat wagon.

-Why?

-Tell him we'll have his off-cuts every week.

Them tills are rammo.

Um, I don't think, you know,

-he'll be able to do the same deal again.

-Here you go, Ian.

It's money for old rope, ain't it, we can't let this go.

-We might have to.

-Why?

What have you done?

What's in the curry, Mother?

Well, let's just say it won't be running

in the 4.30 at Kempton tomorrow.

Tonight couldn't have gone any better.

I mean look at the place, top night, us back doing what we do best.

-Yeah, they don't need to know about the offcuts.

-Exactly.

I should never have doubted you.

It'll teach me to look a gift horse in the mouth.

So, I've got us fish and chips as I was running late.

You all right?

Patrick?

I didn't look at the odds.

What?

It wasn't 6:1 as Bernadette said.

It was...

..66:1.

£3,300.

You won three grand?

Destiny, woman!

You know what this means, don't ya?

-Yeah, I can go and see my...

-Get a new sofa!

What?

You've done the right thing, Mum.

He's given you nothing but grief.

Why would he be different this time?

-Night-night, sweetheart.

-Night-night.

MESSAGE BEEPS

MESSAGE BEEPS

Oi, oi, I know it's late,

but you haven't got any of that curry left, have you?

-Yeah, I'm sure I can rustle some up for you.

-Blinding. I'm starving.

I could eat an horse.

See, the old Ian, he would be stressing about all this...

-You could say it's an improvement.

-HE MURMURS

The new me, no, I wake up every morning now, thinking positive,

-ready to take on anything.

-Even having curry thrown over you?

Yeah, even that.

I mean, Masood kicking off,

everyone stuffing their faces full of curry...

It just proves I was right about the whole samosa thing

and securing the intellectual property rights for the chippy.

I knew today was going to be a good day, OK.

I could feel it.

Can you feel it?

So, what happened to not looking back?

The past, the present, the future...

It's what we make of it.

THEY GIGGLE