16/03/2018 EastEnders

"The dynamic individual forges his own future.

"Don't be swayed by the shallow... judgementalism of others."

Ian...

what's a bag of barbecue coals doing by the back door?

Might fancy a barbecue.

In March? Yeah, and what's this I hear about you doing

a turn at the Vic's open mic night tonight?

-OK? Who've you been talking to?

-Well, is it true?

-Might be.

-I hope you're not going to sing.

Mum, thanks for your support.

Well, you're not, are ya?

Not stand-up. Promise me you're not doing stand-up.

-TV:

-A duty policeman has spoken of the dramatic moment

he tried to save a motorbike rider...

What're you doing on your day off?

Watching my favourite telly programmes.

Oh, not all that Police Camera cobblers, is it?

And Ambulances - Do Not Disturb.

Waste of time. Why don't you go up London?

Because if I go too far from here, I know you lot'll mess it up.

All right, well, no more horse meat or I'll have to iron you out...

-Shut up!

-Get up there.

..burst into a shop front while trying to avoid a speeding car.

Ian? On stage?

Yeah, according to Phil who got it from Mick who got

it from the horse's mouth.

-What's he any good at?

-Well, Phil's counting on him

dancing The Sugar Plum Fairy in a tutu with a kipper on his head.

THEY CHUCKLE

-You going?

-Is the Pope a Catholic?

Here's someone who won't want to miss it.

What's that?

He'll explain. I've got to dash.

Got to see an electrician.

It's open mic night at the Vic.

Told you yesterday.

And I seem to remember saying I'd be too tired.

And if I told you that Ian was doing a turn?

Ooh, is that supposed to be an inducement?

Just a thought.

I'll probably be washing my hair. Sorry.

HE SIGHS

Cup of tea when you're ready, please.

All right, babe?

I'm going to go speak to him now.

I just want him home.

Look, he'll only blank you again.

But Chatham and Riley are back tonight.

I mean, what am I going to tell 'em

when they ask where their brother is?

Look, it's me he's got the problem with.

It's only right that I sort this out, OK?

Now go and get dressed.

But how?

I'll think of something.

Hey, all right, son?

What's the matter?

I heard you.

-Heard what?

-Last night.

Something about Keanu's dad.

Are we having French toast again?

Er, actually no.

You kids have been so good to me

I've decided to take you all out to breakfast, one at a time!

Keegan today, you tomorrow, Chatham and Riley the day after,

just so we can get to know each other, y'know?

Why does he get to go first?

Because he was up first, all right? I'll get me coat.

-Oh. Morning.

-Morning.

Shouldn't you have been at work by now?

-I've pulled a sickie.

-Why?

Because I love you, Patrick, and I'm not going to sit on my hands

and watch you make a complete idiot of yourself.

We have had this conversation.

I get the teenage love thing,

y'know, when it was pure, when it was innocent.

Wasn't that innocent!

You know, it's like "the one that got away", yeah, I get that, too.

I'm sure she's, like, y'know... she's a lovely person,

but marrying her? Living in the same house?

With a woman that you haven't seen in the flesh for like,

55 years?

She is the love of me life.

Eh? I thought that was Yolande? And what about Audrey?

No, no, no, no... She is a special one.

Ah...

Right.

OK.

So you're going to go all the way out there

and marry her on the basis of what?

A couple of weeks' worth of online chat messages?

We have a spiritual connection.

That...that has got to come from her, innit?

Why would you say that?

Because in all the years that I have known you, Patrick,

I have never once heard you use the word "spiritual".

Yeah, well, maybe she is changing me.

Maybe she's bringing things out in me

that I just didn't know was there.

-Oh.

-Yeah...

And you've spoken to her?

I mean, like, face-to-face?

-Of course not.

-What's stopping ya? You're both online.

Me and the girls, we do it all the time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but you know me and computers.

Come on, Patrick, I'm not buying that one.

If you wanted to, you would find out how.

But I can tell you why you haven't - it's because you're scared.

You're scared of facing the reality,

of that little fantasy bubble bursting in your face.

Listen to me now, man.

She makes me happy and alive

in a way that I have never felt since I had my stroke,

and you're trying to take that away from me.

When I think of the men that you've been with over the years,

did I ever say anything at all to you?

Well, maybe you should have.

You might've saved me a whole load of grief.

Oh, where are you going now?

I'm going to get dressed before I say something I'll regret.

Thank you. Cheers, Tina.

Oh, look who it is. It's my little princess.

Hi, have you missed me? Have you missed me?

You all right?

Yeah, I've had six missed calls from my nan this morning.

She didn't leave a message?

No, she does it all the time. She drives me nuts.

You going to this?

Doubt it. Why?

Bex is singing and Sonia's on lates, so I've sort of got to go.

-Oh. Good luck with that.

-Yeah.

Ian's doing a turn.

-SHE SCOFFS

-Yeah.

I'll leave that one with you.

-All right.

-Bye, princess.

-See ya.

-See ya.

There you go.

-Thanks a lot.

-Two full English coming up.

-Bless you.

So go on.

Y'know, son, I don't think this is a good idea.

What?

-Can I trust you?

-Yes.

I swear.

Even if it upsets you?

Dad, just...

All right. I don't know the details.

I'm only going from what your mum told me

and this was a long time ago,

but when Keanu was a baby,

his dad tried to kill your mum.

Stabbed her with a kitchen knife. She was lucky to live.

-Why?

-Oh, just...

she'd dumped him, he didn't like it.

He was just a nasty piece of work, y'know?

Where was Keanu and Chantelle when all this was going on?

I told you, I don't know the details.

And, understandably, your mum don't want to chat about it.

So, what happened to him?

-Who, Shane?

-That was his name?

Yeah, well, he was arrested.

He...pleaded guilty and then, erm...

he went down for 12 years.

And where is he now?

I don't know.

And Keanu don't know nothing?

Your mum won't tell him.

She keeps on bottling it.

That's what you heard us talking about last night.

There you are.

Thanks a lot, darlin'.

-Enjoy.

-Lovely.

I'm not hungry now.

You can imagine what this did to your mum's state of mind.

And I tried to help her, yeah?

But when it's repeatedly chucked back in your face,

there's only so much a man can take, y'know?

Is that why you left?

Shamefully, yeah.

Look, I don't blame your mum, y'know?

After going through that, it's no wonder she couldn't trust a man.

But...

See, Keanu's got it in his head that I'm this big, bad wolf and I'm not.

I mean, the real culprit...

Well, you see my problem?

So, what are you going to do now?

I've only got two options, ain't I? Leave...

I don't want you to leave.

..or I could find someone he trusts to convince him

that I'm not as bad as he thinks I am.

I'll do it.

Yeah?

All right.

This is what I want you to say...

I...

..I hate myself for having done this and you...

you will probably hate me, too,

but I didn't feel like I had any choice and I've read your messages.

-You've done what?

-I'm glad that I did, too.

How dare you?!

You reckon that you're in love?

Think you've got a "spiritual connection"?

It is pure filth, Patrick! Talk about explicit!

If you were 15 years old, I might just about get that...

Look, I'm having a midlife crisis!

You're 77!

She makes me feel young again, all right?!

You said exactly the same thing about Yolande!

-Leave Yolande out of it, all right?

-OK, right.

-I think you'd better sit down for this.

-Why?

So, after I read the messages...

..I put the name Renee de Boyne in a search engine

along with the word "Trinidad".

Got about 100 hits.

Y-you never thought to do that for yourself?

You know that she got divorced the back end of last year?

Yeah, she told me.

Oh, and did you also know that

she'd been divorced three times before that?

It gets worse.

Turns out that all of her ex-husbands were Caribbean expats...

..all living in the UK.

I can...

And I can show you, if you want.

I'm sorry.

Look, I, erm... I'm going down to the allotment.

Yeah.

SHE SIGHS, DOOR CLOSES

Mum's in bits.

He tell you to say that, did he?

It's not fair on the rest of us.

-Come home.

-When did I start taking orders from you?

I'm asking you nicely.

I'm not an idiot, Keegan.

-I know he sent you.

-Yeah, so what if he did?

Ain't you got school?

What if this was your dad and I was doing this to you?

How would you feel?

Please?

Yeah, all right.

Thank you.

Ted...

Man, what're you doing?

Joyce thinks I'm at the doctor's.

But don't it hurt?

No! That's the whole point.

Robbie, where do you see yourself in this world?

Are you a success?

-Well, never really thought about it.

-Do you want to be?

What if I was to tell you that inside you, there is a superman?

A superman that is literally capable of anything?

The only thing holding you back is fear.

Now, you and me together, harnessing the power of now,

we can overcome that fear.

We can turn you into the man you always wanted to be.

You up for it?

Yeah.

Good man.

Now, Joyce mentioned something about Australia.

Talking behind me back, is she?

Only in passing.

She said something about not being able to afford it this year.

Doesn't help, I suppose.

Ted, Ted.

Look at me now, man. Look at me.

We're friends, right? Friends talk?

Long enough to have been at the doctor's now.

DOOR CLOSES

"Beautiful Bathsheba leaves nothing to the imagination as

"she strips naked to flaunt her phenomenal frame for the cameras."

Is this what they call news nowadays?

It must have gone half past by now.

Look, Kee said he'll come, so he'll come, all right?

I mean, who wants a robot woman like that, eh?

When they've got a real woman like you at home? Come here.

-DOOR OPENS

-Shh. Shh.

-Hello?

So you've come.

Fantastic.

Proud of you, son.

Now all you have to do is apologise and we can put this all behind us.

I'm sorry for being a prat.

-Can I come home?

-You don't really have to apologise, boy.

Course you can! Come here.

Hey, stop that.

You'll get me crying next.

Now look what you made me do.

Give me a sec.

I'm doing this for Mum, not you.

We're going to be one happy family.

We both know you're going to mess this up at some point.

So why don't you do us all a favour and just leave now?

DOOR CLOSES

-Hi.

-All right?

Yeah, I'm worried about Ted, though.

-What's the matter with him?

-He...

HE SIGHS

Best not.

He'd hate being talked about.

And you?

What's there to say?

I've been a damned fool.

No, don't beat yourself up.

What you felt, it was... true, for you.

At the time.

Listen, I've been thinking.

You can still go to Trinidad.

Only now, you're armed with what you know.

-Yeah...

-And who knows, y'know, maybe she might...

..she might turn out to be the real deal, y'know, after all.

Forget Trinidad, all right?

We'll get the three-piece suite.

I need a shower.

Evening, Mick.

What's there two of you now?

Yeah, we need to use your bathroom so we can get changed.

Bit early, in't ya? We don't kick off for ages.

Robbie's got to mentally prepare.

What's with the fire extinguisher?

Oi!

What's he doing?

He's jumping to a thousand.

And when he gets to a thousand, he starts again.

Does it most nights.

Would you like to hold him?

Not right now, son, if you don't mind.

-Is it always like this, then?

-Yeah, pretty much.

SHE HUMS You've got a good voice...

Voice...

This is what you wanted.

One big, happy family.

Who's hungry?

Why don't you give it to the man of the house?

He's been working all day.

Hang on, everyone. Shh!

-MUFFLED:

-Well, did you?!

-Bernie, shut up.

Did you, or did you not go to the doctor's?

You said I don't understand?!

How can I ever understand when you won't even talk to me?!

Did you or did you not go to the doctor's?!

Don't you dare walk away from me!

-Explain the mud on your shoes!

-Ted and Joyce from the Towers.

-Really?

-She don't sound happy.

-Shouldn't we do something?

Nah.

-Where are you going?

-I don't know. Out!

DOOR SLAMS

As you were.

Here, chicken nuggets and chips.

-You want some sauce with that?

-OK.

Glad to be home?

Oh, you've been a long time.

Fancy a rum?

OK, look, look, look...

I've had another idea.

Why don't we both go to Trinidad?

And you can check out that Renee and, y'know, if it doesn't work out,

then it's not the end of the world because we're still on holiday.

Will you stop trying to make me feel better?

We're getting the three-piece suite and that is the end of it,

all right?!

DOORBELL RINGS

Joyce.

Ted swears blind he went to the doctor today, but I know he didn't.

He's come back, no prescription, nothing.

And the doctor - amazingly - has told him to

"go home, take a few days rest and come back in a fortnight".

And that - if you'll excuse my French - is total cobblers.

Now I've got a feeling that he has been sagging it with you

down the allotment. Has he?

Don't diminish yourself by lying to me, Patrick.

He's my friend.

So I'll take that for a yes, then.

I know he's not well, but there's only so much patience...

I've had enough.

I'm going down the bingo!

What did she want?

I, erm...

I think I know what I'm going to do with that money.

ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYING

Hey, do you mind if I join you?

# Let me take you by the hand... #

I heard Ian Beale's doing a turn.

It's what we're all doing here.

# I'll show you something to make you change your mind. #

That was amazing, right?

I'm just going to go to the toilet. See you in a minute.

They're still in our bathroom.

I mean, what on earth are they doing in there?

Well, go and give 'em a nudge will you?

We've only got Shrimpy and then they're supposed to be on.

-You all right, Jack? Usual?

-Please.

You all on your own?

Well, I thought I was.

Well, well, well... What made you change your mind?

Morbid curiosity. Don't flatter yourself.

What can I get you to drink?

Oh, I'll sort myself out, thanks, if that's all right.

Dry white wine, please.

I, er... I wrote this for a special someone.

It's called Intrusion.

You trespass on my hopes

Insinuate your soul

Between the cracks of my broken heart...

KNOCKING

How long are you two going to be? Your public are getting restless!

Right, won't be long, just got to get something.

-Well, what?

-You'll see.

What?

The locks are picked

The bolts withdrawn...

All right? What are you doing here?

Well, I can't miss Ian's cabaret debut.

'Chelle's watching the kids.

How was Bex?

I'm her dad, ain't I? What do you want me to say?

Did you speak to Mo?

-Every time I call, it goes to voicemail, so I've given up.

-Right.

APPLAUSE

Do you want a drink?

No, I'm all right.

Stace, come on. Let me get you a drink.

Usual?

Go on, then.

What on earth are you doing?

Mick, if you could just introduce us, yeah?

That's a fire hazard! I'll lose me licence!

Hurry up, will ya? It's hot and heavy!

APPLAUSE

Didn't take her long.

No... No Sharon tonight?

Er... We're not exactly seeing eye to eye at the moment.

I'll have an orange juice, please.

Right, ladies and gentlemen. They're the...

hottest act in London... Er...

The Queen Vic welcomes Ian Beale, Robbie Jackson.

Turn them lights off... Yeah, come on... Hey...

APPLAUSE

MURMURING

MUSIC: Also Sprach Zarathustra by Richard Strauss

Lights, please.

Thank you. Erm...

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight,

harnessing the power of now, Robbie Jackson will dispense with

all fear and negative thoughts, and before your very eyes,

walk barefoot, feeling no pain,

across these white-hot, burning coals.

Robbie, are you ready?

Has he gone stark raving mad?

BUZZES

Ted!

Ted, man!

The light's on, so I know you're in there, y'know.

I'm assuming you can hear me.

Look, I'm putting an envelope through the door,

a little something for you,

and I want you to pick it up straightaway, yeah?

Just think Australia.

All right, I'll go. See you soon.

Are you ready to use the power that dwells inside all of us?

Then proceed.

MUSIC CONTINUES

What are you trying to do?

Give everybody in here carbon monoxide poisoning, you plum?

-LAUGHTER

-And this moron, third degree burns?

I knew it would all go wrong without me being down here!

Right now, I am going back upstairs to watch my "waste of time" telly.

Try not to kill anyone!

Ow!

I've got a splinter!

Say one thing for you, Ian - that was memorable.

LAUGHTER

DOOR CLOSES

TV: It's a little bit bent at the end.

-But again...

-How much is it marked?

-125.

-Gosh.

Did you speak to him?

No, no...

..but I dread to think what he's going through, though.

Ah. So you're going to give him all of it, then?

A man can take this Good Samaritan lark a little too far, you know.

Nah, man.

I kept 500 smackers for myself,

so you'd better get your glad rags on, baby -

we are going to paint the town!

HE CHUCKLES

TV IN BACKGROUND

PHONE CHIMES

Hey, thanks, baby.

I thought one of you was taking Bronson for a walk.

-His turn.

-Bernie's turn.

No, it ain't.

I'll take him out.

I need the exercise.

And while you're doing that, I'll ring Mum.

Ah, better not tell her I'm here, please.

Bound to find out sooner or later.

Best get it over and done with now.

Oi, dog!

Don't get lost.

Be such a shame if you never came back.

I'll be 20 minutes, all right?

Mum? Yeah, don't freak out when I tell you this.

Promise?

Me and Mitch is back together.

What? You promised you wouldn't freak out!

What are you doing, you mangy mutt?

WOOF!

So this is where the universe has been leading me, huh?

Nice.

Well, that was an evening that I'll never erase from the memory.

You going already?

Yeah, I've got an early start tomorrow.

You did very well. You barely bored me at all.

-All right, Jack?

-All right, mate?

-What happened to Stace?

-She got a phone call.

She had to go home. Baby-sitting troubles, I think.

Oh.

No, Mum...

Well, why do you always have to think the worst of him?

He has been a long time walking Bronson.

BRONSON BARKS

-Me charge is going in my phone, Mum.

-Hey!

-Hey...

-Bronson?!

He was tied up outside, the railings.

-Your door was open.

-How come?

I dunno. Anyway, he's all right, isn't he?

-Yeah.

-See ya.

-Cheers.

-Where's Mitch, eh?

-His van's gone.

What?

I don't get it.

-I think I do.

-I bet you do.

This is all your fault.

-Where is she?

-Living room.

Why didn't she just ring me?

Her phone's knackered.

Well, what's the matter with her?

Oh.

-All right, leave it to me.

-Well, you know where I am.

-Thanks, Michelle.

-No worries.

Nan?

SHE SOBS

What's the matter?

-It's Kat.

-What about Kat?

She's dead.