The Lair of the Libertines Father Brown

CHOIR: # All creatures of our God and King

# Lift up your voice and with us sing

# Hallelujah ... #

ENGINE BACKFIRES

ENGINE CUTS OUT

# Thou silver moon with softer gleam

# O praise Him

# O praise Him

# Hallelujah

# Hallelujah

# Hallelujah

# Thou rushing wind that art so strong

# Ye clouds that sail in heaven along

# Hallelujah

# Hallelujah

# Thou fire so masterful and bright

# Providing us with warmth and light

# O praise Him. #

GUN BLAST

GUN BLAST

To get all the way to the final and then to lose to that bunch of...

Would you please slow down?

This vehicle is in need of a jolly good clean.

I should never have given Sid any time off.

For the last time, will you slow down?

Urgh, vile.

If he thinks he's getting a tip...

I've got a good mind to get out and walk!

Beastly little man.

Good riddance, I say.

Where exactly are we?

Miles from anywhere.

Salam.

-A naked man.

-Really?

Over there.

He walked straight out in front of me.

Well, he's not there now.

How much wine have you actually had?

Evesham is just over that hill.

Oh, Lord Delcott lives there. He'll arrange a lift.

Right.

Come along.

And where is Evesham?

Ah.

These heels are murder.

Oh. Ugh.

Is that blood?

Probably animal.

There's a lot of traps about.

Diabolical contraptions.

LADIES GASP

Let's head for that building over there.

If I had known you were invited, I'd never have come.

Deviant.

You're no different to me.

In fact, you're worse.

Nothing but a whining hypocrite.

Not fighting over me, I hope?

Forgive my behaviour, madame.

Why, Dr Barashi,

your pipe has gone out.

If you need a refill, there's more in the lounge.

So...

have my two little tarts arrived yet?

No.

But forget about them.

Tomorrow evening, you will have all the pleasure you desire.

Tomorrow!

I should have stayed in London another night.

GUN BLASTS

You madman!

It was an accident.

No.

It's because I beat him at poker.

Syrus, watch where you're pointing that.

She means the pistol.

Madame Chania, I will not be an object of fun!

Please, calm down.

You have mocked me for the last time.

-It's always the same.

-Syrus...

Insults whenever we meet.

London, Paris, Rome.

Still not working.

And my guests arrived by taxi, so there's no-one here to drive you.

Are there no vehicles?

No.

Well, it's getting very late. We'll have to stay the night.

In Sodom and Gomorrah?

Sorry, we're fully booked.

Surely you can find them somewhere.

Thank heavens he's dressed.

-Perhaps the maid could give up her room for the lady?

-Er...

I can sleep in the attic, madame.

Very well. And the good Father can stay in the cottage...

with your servant.

-Servant?

-What a splendid idea. Problem solved.

Fork!

Apologies.

Feed me.

Scusi?

Feed me.

Please, help yourself to food and drink.

Mimi, could you pour the wine?

So, have you owned this place long?

I am only leasing it.

A little venture of mine while staying in your beautiful country.

So...

the priest is staying the night?

Yes. May be fun watching his halo slip, no?

You are very honoured.

Madame Chania's guests are invitation only.

How do you all know each other?

Actually, I only know my guests by reputation.

International playboys, very notorious.

Really?

When I heard they were in London for a poker tournament,

I just had to invite them for the weekend.

An offer we could not resist.

Really?

Tomorrow night,

we have a touring entourage of genuine Japanese geishas,

all willing to fulfil any whim

or any desire of my guests.

Oh.

We'll be gone by then.

Do you partake in the, er...

..entertainment?

-I am not attracted to women, if that's what you mean.

-Oh, no...

My passion is providing pleasure for others.

-You do not approve, Father?

-Well...

We all have passionate desires we should embrace,

whether it be fine food, alcohol...

Sex.

Naturism.

Or even religion.

We cannot, should not, deny what makes us happy.

Mmm...

but there's the paradox.

Paradox?

Well, happiness is an unexpected gift.

It is evasive.

If we pursue it, we will never achieve it.

Utter nonsense.

No, the Father has a point.

I've spent years overindulging, and for what?

I'm not even sure what it is to be happy.

Oh, Count, not thinking of retiring and settling down, are we?

Who knows?

Isn't that for the guests?

Still no sign of the girls I ordered.

Sorry, no.

Well...

I can't wait.

Name your price.

Please do not ask me that.

Oh, sorry.

I didn't mean to offend you.

I'm frightfully sorry, but my head is simply splitting.

The first left at the top of the stairs.

Thank you. Good night.

Good night.

You've had more helpings than me, Father.

Lovely. Really lovely.

"A weekend of unbridled excess."

More like a child's party.

Patience, Doctor. Patience.

Most here are dreadful bores.

If it were not for you, I would have retired to my room.

Oh.

Mrs McCarthy, may I speak freely?

If you must.

The moment I saw you, I knew there was something very...

simple about you.

Simple?

Forgive my English.

Wholesome. Homely.

In my circles, that is a breath of fresh air.

Oh...

Father Brown.

Looks like your whisky infused cake does not agree with the Father.

It's more likely to be the infusion of opium.

You didn't?

I did.

KNOCKING

Come in.

Lady Felicia, please, may I get my things?

Of course.

Shiatsu is very good for headaches.

Is that Russian?

Allow me to demonstrate.

Very kind.

Please. Close your eyes.

-Mm.

-That's it.

Just relax.

Wonderful.

We all have pressure points throughout our bodies.

Some dull the senses.

And others arouse them.

I really must go to bed.

I'm afraid the cottage only has one bedroom.

I'll sleep here.

Are you all right?

Mm.

Are you in pain?

Pain, pleasure...

As a hedonist, I choose the latter.

Can't have one without the other.

Who says I can't, you big meanie?

It's getting very late.

We all have passionate desires we should embrace,

like food, embrace, alcohol, or even religion.

It was near her body.

Pixie's Palace. Tibb Street, Evesham.

The two tarts I hired.

The doctor could not wait for tonight's geishas,

so yesterday booked two girls from a local bordello.

They never arrived. Or so we thought.

So where's the other girl?

The blood on the hill.

Madame Chania, I cannot call the police.

The line is still dead.

Yes, it's been cut.

May I get you a drink, Mrs McCarthy?

No. You may not.

The sooner I am away from this hotel, the better.

Perhaps when we have left here, you would allow me to call on you?

And take you for English tea?

I'm afraid not.

It was foolish of me to accept Madame Chania's invitation.

Meeting you has made me realise that.

You barely know me.

It's strange, but it does not feel like that to me.

It was hidden in the bushes near the cottage.

Must be the girl's.

-Is it working?

-It won't start.

So we're still stuck here.

I'm sure it's fixable.

I've covered the body.

Thank you.

That's very decent of you.

You know, Father, there is only one man in this hotel

who hates women enough to kill them.

I shall be taking all my meals in my room from now on.

It's the safest place.

Very good, sir.

You know, after death, it's an instinct to procreate.

It's a biological urge.

Dr Barashi.

Do not touch her again.

Why would you care?

I heard you last night in your room, slapping her.

How I discipline her is no concern of yours.

She is my servant.

Are you all right?

I am a servant.

As are you, Father.

Fulfilling Madame Chania's wishes is what pleases me.

I do it willingly and gladly.

But you are so much more than just a servant.

Forgive me, Father, but I have things to do.

Come with me on one of my naturist walks.

Oh, Syrus.

It will make you feel alive.

You know, you remind me of a puppy I once had.

A puppy?

Always licking.

Lick, lick, lick.

Have you fixed it?

Yes, it was just an oil leak.

Well, you should go immediately to the police.

Ladies, I think you should go with him.

-On that thing?

-It's not safe to stay.

But what about you, Father?

I'll be fine until the police arrive.

I thought I might go back up the hill, where we found the blood.

GUNSHOTS

Pity that's not all he has his sights on.

You mean Mimi. Poor girl.

Strange how people think they can treat her as they please.

Forget what the doctor said, Father.

The occasional slap keeps her in line.

You said your passion was giving pleasure.

Why then would you want to hurt someone?

Getting some practice in, Father.

The killer could strike again.

Indeed.

Care to join me?

No, thank you.

Drive carefully.

I am not going on the back.

Well, I can't get my legs that wide.

Oh, you really are impossible.

Can you tell me your name?

Where are you from?

Cuba.

Oh, damn.

Sorry, ladies.

I'll check the garage for petrol.

Won't be a moment.

I am perfectly capable, thank you.

Lady Felicia!

Lady Felicia!

Fire! Fire!

Oh, hello!

Fire! Fire! Fire!

-Fire.

-What?

Fire!

We could have been killed.

Yes.

Thank you for saving my life!

Are you all right?

I think so.

What happened?

A leak in the petrol tank.

Didn't you notice when you repaired it?

Someone must have punctured it when I left it outside the hotel.

It looks like the killer doesn't want us to leave,

until they're finished with us.

Barashi is behind this!

He hasn't even come out to see what caused the explosion.

-That's just how he is.

-No.

I'm so pleased you're all right.

Hey, Barashi.

Take cover.

Lord and his Holy Saints!

-Father!

-The killer's out there.

Get down.

He was killed by his own gun.

But the pistol was pointing away from him.

He wasn't killed by a bullet.

The firing pin went backwards into his forehead.

So it was tampered with.

Modified.

Yes. The safety catch has been removed.

But how did the killer know Dr Barashi would choose that pistol?

They didn't. The killer doesn't care who dies.

So any one of us could be next.

I think until the killer is caught, we should stay together.

Yes.

I wonder who's doing it?

I don't know, but I'm sure it's not the Count.

He seems very gentle.

He's very taken with you.

Nonsense.

He's also very rich with a title. You could do worse.

Madame Chania, come away. The killer could be out there.

So you don't think it's one of us?

Who knows? But better to be safe.

Mimi told me to come up.

All this killing has unnerved me.

I'm scared to be alone.

The Count, madame.

You wanted to see me?

I do not understand.

I need to feel safe.

And I've always found, well, two men are better than one.

Please!

Syrus does not share his women with anyone!

"The Unholy Virgin".

And "Vixens on Horseback".

And "Hellcats of the Night".

Father.

Syrus.

So what do you think we should do, Father?

Perhaps I should hike up to the road, hitch a lift.

Are you mad?

Out in the open, the killer could pick you off like that.

Yes.

Sounds like someone's enjoying themselves.

Indeed.

I think I'll get some fresh air.

Oh, thank goodness, you're here.

Are you the proprietor?

Yes, but how did you know to come?

There's a young woman with a gunshot wound.

We thought she was from Cuba,

but then I remembered this place.

Actually, sir, it was my idea. Local knowledge.

Don't interrupt, Sergeant.

As I was saying...

Morning, Inspector.

No, it can't be.

Hmm, it is.

The girl was local.

And there's another one by the cottage.

-Sorry?

-But she's dead.

There's a body?

Actually, there's two.

WHIMPERING

What's that noise?

It sounds like whimpering.

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, Inspector, thank heavens!

What's happened?

The maid. She's killed the Count.

I just found him on the floor.

Don't touch the weapon.

Mimi.

Your hands.

I shook him to see if he was alive.

Arrest her.

But she is not capable!

Father, please, they're making a mistake.

Straight down. It will help.

Oh, the poor Count.

Mrs McCarthy.

Father, you must help her. Mimi would not hurt a soul.

Right. I need to take statements from everyone.

Let's start with you, Father.

Silly me.

Where are you off to?

Is this your room, Father?

Madame Chania's.

The chandelier directly below shook several times before you arrived.

Have you gone barking mad?

Drag marks.

To the door that connects with Mimi's room.

So you think the Count was murdered here,

then his body was dragged through there?

Precisely.

Blood?

Father?

Madame Chania, may I have the key to this door?

Of course.

Must be in here somewhere.

What's that?

Safety catch.

Like the one missing from the pistol which killed the doctor.

I've no idea how it got in there.

I don't suppose you know anything about this, do you?

My lighter.

I was wondering whose it was.

I found it on the driveway after the explosion.

It doesn't make any sense.

Madame Chania, I'm arresting you on suspicion of murder.

No!

You're not obliged to say... Madame Chania!

Stop her, Sergeant!

-What are you doing?

-Leave her alone.

-Mimi!

-Let her go!

Put her in the car.

I'm releasing you without charge. Don't leave the premises.

I'll get you out. I promise. I'll get you out.

Come on.

Come on.

Sit down.

I don't understand.

I owe her everything.

She used you.

No!

She gave me a life, took me off the streets when I had nothing.

-Mimi...

-And like you, I'd give up my life for the one I serve.

Father, I've arranged a car to take you back.

Thank you.

But in the meantime, I still need that statement.

Now.

I know, it's very upsetting.

But Father Brown is right. Madame Chania treated you appallingly.

But what am I going to do without her?

You don't need her. You'll cope.

No.

Trust me, you will.

But you mustn't blame yourself.

You're worth more than that.

You really think so?

Yes, I do.

Forgive me, I...

She's just upset,

and like all of us, has been bewitched by Madame Chania.

Those roses have been pruned within an inch of their life.

What would you know about pruning roses?

I know your mind's on the Count.

He was just a stranger.

Strangers can sometimes have the deepest effect on us.

The thrill of the unknown. The danger.

Nonsense.

Well, it seems to me you can look at this in one of two ways.

You can either dwell on what might have been,

or you can cherish the memory.

For a brief moment, somebody made you feel special.

Alive.

I know that look.

I have been racking my brains to find a motive for the murders.

Has Madame Chania confessed?

Insists she's innocent, but won't say any more.

Well, I'm just glad to be away from that hotel.

Even before the murders, there was so much ungodly behaviour.

Indeed. That maid was...

far too tactile.

Oh!

Madame Chania is the killer.

But we already know that.

Where are you off to?

To hitch a ride!

Father Brown.

Ah. There you are.

Going somewhere?

I cannot bear to stay.

But what brings you back, Father?

Books.

Books?

Madame Chania said she wasn't attracted to women,

yet most of her novels appear to be lesbian erotica.

Rather odd.

Unless you are the real Madame Chania.

What?

You changed roles with your maid before the guests arrived.

You're not serious?

Thus relinquishing your hostess duties,

you were free to roam the hotel

at will, killing when the opportunity arose.

That's absurd.

No doubt you told your maid that the swap was some...

hedonistic game.

Father, you said yourself, I was set up.

In retrospect, it seemed too obvious.

You were set up,

by yourself.

But you knew that someone was bound to spot the glaring clues

you had laid.

And that they'd assume you were framed by "Madame Chania."

Making you above suspicion.

You used her lighter to start the fire

and then planted the safety catch in her bag.

So I killed everyone?

The Count, Dr Barashi,

even the girl he hired?

If the police hadn't arrived, you'd have killed us all.

Myself and my companions were, like the girls, unwanted visitors,

who had to be dealt with.

But one of them got away.

If all this were true, Father,

don't you think the "real maid" would have told the police

her true identity?

Not if you told her not to.

Dr Barashi said he heard Madame Chania slapping you.

But it was the other way round. Wasn't it?

And when you said you'd give your life for the one you serve,

you were actually referring to the way your maid

felt about you.

If only she knew the truth.

The truth.

The truth...

is that I am not Madame Chania.

Yes. I believe you.

I expect Madame Chania was a made-up name.

Used to rent this hotel.

So that after your killing spree,

you could return to your travels and your real name.

So, if I am not Madame Chania, who am I?

Reading matter for the journey?

German erotica,

Lulu and Lucia,

Business as Usual...

African Safari.

Big game hunter?

Ah, but that's a man's sport, Father.

I remember reading some time ago in the National Geographic magazine

about a white woman killing things in Africa.

What was her name?

Madame Chania...

..is an anagram,

of Ana Demiachia,

the Italian huntress who has shot

almost every living creature on Earth.

Finally! I just couldn't resist a little clue.

So, all your victims are trophies?

Syrus.

I'm going to give you a sporting chance, Father,

although you may be a little sluggish

after the opium cake.

Does killing give you pleasure?

Ever since I was a child.

So this was all planned?

Meticulously. To lure strangers to an isolated place.

Multiple deaths, all by my hand. Such power!

But why pick those three men?

I had to choose someone. Their lack of ambition repulsed me.

Ambition?

They were obsessed by cheap, meaningless thrills,

lechery, gluttony.

A true hedonist puts pleasure before everything.

Before another's pain.

Another's life.

People are just animals.

And you're a different kind of animal?

Technically. I'm a hedonistic existentialist.

A what?

I cope with the nightmare of living with the joy of killing.

When I load the last bullet, the hunt begins,

so you'd better run, Father.

But watch out for my traps.

Last one, Father, then I shoot you.

Yes. I believe you will.

Father Brown!

Father Brown!

I'm going to find you!

Father!

Father Brown!

Father Brown!

'You may be a little sluggish after the opium cake.'

Father!

'Ana Demiachia.'

Where are you hiding, Father?

'Every living creature...'

'Trophies.'

I will find you, Father!

'She's dead.'

'People are just animals.'

'Multiple deaths, all by my hand.'

-'She's dead.'

-'Such power!'

'But watch out for my traps.'

SHE SCREAMS

Help me!

Father Brown!

Help me, Father Brown!

God said, "Let the Earth bring forth

"the living creature in its kind,

"the cattle, the creeping things,

"and the beasts of the Earth,

"each according to its kind."

And it was so done.

# All creatures of our God and King

# Lift up your voice and with us sing

# Hallelujah

# Hallelujah

# Thou burning sun with golden beam

# And silver moon with softer gleam

# O praise Him

# O praise Him

# Hallelujah

# Hallelujah

# Hallelujah! #

GLASS SMASHING