The Theatre of the Invisible Father Brown

You have been listening to Up To You,

with Barney Butterfield asking the questions,

and Joyce Merriman tickling the ivories.

The announcer was Richie Queenan, and the producer is Harold James.

# Thank you all for tuning in to Up To You! #

Ta-ra, folks, thanks for coming, thanks for listening,

hope you can join us next week!

But at the end of the day, remember, it's...

ALL: Up to you!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This is the BBC Light Programme.

By 'eck, where do we get these audiences from?

I've had more laughs in a mausoleum.

Well, they did seem to warm up towards the end.

Yes, by the final round, they were practically tepid.

Ay-up, Jacob!

Do you fancy a quick pork pie and a pint at the Pig and Whistle?

No, thank you. I've come to introduce your new producer.

What?!

As Harold is back at the sanatorium.

Oh, how exciting!

I always love it when we get a new man.

Someone to take under our wing, as it were.

If you'd like to come through.

Ah, hello. M-my name is Juh-Juh-Jeremy.

Is the "Juh-Juh" part of it?

N-n-no.

Jeremy's been working in current affairs,

but he's got some marvellous ideas for the new series.

W-w-well, I thought we could take the show on the road.

Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a quiz show that went down

the highways and byways, shining a light on our sceptred isle?

-No, it wouldn't.

-Sorry?

I spent six years in variety,

staying in boarding houses that stunk of cabbage.

But I'm a big star now, so the folk come to see me.

Y-yes, yes, but this is the BBC, we have to reach out.

Nation shall speak peace unto nation.

Oh, yeah. Well, I'll speak to 'em,

but I'm not going any further than Muswell Hill.

Barney, this is not a request. It's an edict.

The show either has to evolve, or die.

Fine!

Then it should die!

And without me, the BBC is going to die!

And you're the one that killed it.

Oh!

Look, it's really not that bad. It's not...

Welcome to show business!

Mrs McCarthy.

I was hoping to have a word about next week's confirmation class.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm on a very tight schedule.

I thought you said you had a day off. Something about jam-making.

Yes, well, change of plan.

Actually, I'm seeing a gentleman

from the British Broadcasting Corporation.

Would that have anything to do with the quiz coming to Kembleford?

Yes, it would.

They're conducting some heats in the village hall to find contestants.

Well...

I shall be very glad to give you some moral support.

Excellent!

-Morning!

-Morning.

Good morning.

Holy Mother! I had no idea there would be so many.

I imagine they all read it in the parish magazine.

Although I was surprised you put it on page six, in such small print.

Yes, well, I didn't think there'd be much interest.

But I stand corrected.

Morning.

Mrs Rudge.

Are you here for the quiz?

That's right.

I've got them all staying at my boarding house.

That Barney Butterfield.

Though he's about as funny as a kidney stone,

if you want my opinion.

And her that plays the piano...

Well, she thumps on it, with her fat fingers. Ha!

Somebody's brought a lot of sandwiches.

My cat's just had a litter.

I won't be able to look after them all,

so I thought, "I'll bring 'em along, see if I can sell 'em."

-Yes, well, unfortunately, I'm allergic.

-Ah.

Mrs M! Father!

Oh, kitties!

Careful! They're worth a lot of money.

What are you doing here? Are you thinking of...?

Oh, yes, I've applied to be a contestant.

Oh, well, good luck with that.

What do you mean?

I think if you want to win a BBC quiz,

you need to know that Karl Marx is no relation of Groucho's.

I know more than you think.

Don't I, little kitty?

Ah, well, it's good to see so many of you.

Um... We're now going to whittle you down to just two people,

who'll play the show for real o-o-on Sunday.

So, er, come this way.

That's half a crown.

# Up to you! Up to you!

# Are you going to win tonight?

# It's up to you! #

Thank you very much, Joyce. Very nice, thank you very much.

And this section of the programme is called "Where In The World?".

So, Sergeant Goodfellow.

Yes.

Where in the world would you find Lake Titicaca?

TICKING

Titi... Titi...

-It's on the tip of my tongue.

-I don't think it is, you know!

LAUGHTER

Is it in Africa?

-GONG CHIMES

-I'm afraid not.

Let's hope they don't send you there on a case, Sergeant.

No, it's in South America.

So, Mrs McCarthy.

Oh, yes. Hello.

Hello. Where in the world would you find Macgillycuddy's Reeks?

-TICKING

-County... Oh, sorry.

County Kerry, near Killarney, on the west coast of Ireland.

APPLAUSE

Correct!

And your Irish eyes may be smiling,

because you could be going through to the final.

AUDIENCE GASPS

Miss Windermere?

Yes.

Where would I find the world-famous Segantini Museum?

TICKING

St Moritz, Switzerland.

-APPLAUSE

-Well done, have you been?

Oh, no, not inside it, although I have skied past it.

Well, you might be skiing right into our final.

Let's just hope that you don't meet an avalanche along the way.

LAUGHTER

Now, then, Mrs Rudge.

What?

Mrs Rudge. Where in the world would you find Tutankhamen?

-TICKING

-I know that!

It's in Egypt.

GONG CHIMES

I'm afraid not, it's in South London.

Tooting Common - it's near Balham.

LAUGHTER

You did not say Tooting Common,

you said Tutankhamen!

I know what I said, Mrs Rudge.

Maybe we could get you an 'earing aid as a consolation, eh?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Gosh. Should I step in?

Don't you dare.

We always pull out the old Tutankhamen stunt when there's

a dreary contestant we want to get rid of.

What?!

Well, I'm fed up staying in her dingy boarding house

with cold showers, disgusting food and a faint smell of pussy.

But this is the BBC. What about our integrity?

This show gets 15 million listeners.

They really don't tune in for the integrity.

I can't keep asking you questions till you get one right!

It's not fair. You talk too fast.

LAUGHTER

Well, we can't all be winners, can we?

So, please can we have a nice big round of applause for

Sergeant Goodfellow and Mrs Rudge?

You can clap all you like, the show's a fix.

Richie, what are the scores, then? Richie?

At the end of that exciting heat,

we say a sad toodle-oo to Sergeant Goodfellow and Mrs Rudge,

but a big here-we-go to Miss Windermere and Mrs McCarthy.

Ladies?

Which means the ladies will be appearing here,

live to the nation, on Sunday night!

JOYCE PLAYS THE PIANO

I also misheard your question.

Would you like me to have a word?

I can fight my own battles, thank you.

What goes around comes around.

KITTEN MEWS

So, um...

-Bunty.

-Bunty, yes.

You were so...confident. I don't know how you do it.

Oh, I just open my mouth and see what comes out.

Gosh.

Erm, well, I'm new to the area.

I was hoping someone could show me around.

Yes, of course.

Is anybody doing anything nice this evening?

I shall go in search of debauchery.

I may be gone for some time.

I'm m-m-meeting a girl.

Is she f-f-female?

Pay no attention. You run along and meet your female.

I'm sure you'll get on like a house on fire.

Right, then, I'm off to bell-ringing.

I've lit the fire so you won't be too nippy.

And I've locked them kittens in the back room,

so they won't be under your feet.

Are you not eating? Well, I don't blame you.

Them ballgowns you wear show every little detail.

And you want to do something with your hair

if you're meeting a lady friend.

Mind you, at least you've got some.

Oh, and I found your diary. Very entertaining.

Where did you find...?

It were under your pillow.

You really should keep it better hidden.

Some of the muck in there... Gah!

Have a lovely evening, everyone.

What a woman, eh?

I'd give her a dirty look...

-DOOR SLAMS

-..but she's already got one.

Y-yes, she's driving us all round the bend.

Well, if it's that bad, you could always come and stay chez moi.

What?

Oh...no, no, I have to stay with my cast.

Oh, well, they could all come. There's masses of space.

Well, erm, th-that would be wonderful.

J-Joyce! Erm, Bunty has asked if we'll come and stay with her.

Oh, that's nice. Erm, have you seen Barney?

We were meant to meet here at half past.

No, he's not been here at all.

Oh, dear.

Oh, I hope nothing's happened to him.

Well, we were just about to go for a walk -

-we could always keep an eye out for him.

-Oh, thank you.

HE SIGHS

You're so lucky to live here.

Really? I'd give my eye teeth to go back to London.

I just think here you can step out onto the open road, and...

Oh! Oh, dear.

Do you smell something?

-Yes, very sorry, it's....

-No, look.

Isn't that your guest house?

OK, is anyone at home?

No, I think they're all... The kittens!

Right, I'm going in.

No! I know where they are.

You go and get help.

I need the fire brigade.

What is it?

Mrs Rudge.

She's dead.

HE COUGHS

Requiescat in pace. Amen.

BELL TOLLS

Who found the body?

Jeremy. He's at the hospital now.

He was coughing so much he was practically inside out.

I just don't understand. He said the house was empty.

It should have been.

Mrs Rudge was at bell-ringing practice,

but she came back early, worried about her kittens.

The kittens!

Oh!

Where have you been?

It's none of your beeswax.

I was worried sick!

I'm sure you were. I'm your meal ticket.

No, it's not like that, I...

Everywhere I go, autograph hunters.

No, I think it's more serious than that.

All right, everyone, there's nothing to see.

What happened here is a tragic accident.

What DID happen here?

Mrs Rudge died from smoke inhalation caused by a blocked chimney.

How can you be sure?

Because, Padre, I've looked, and it was definitely blocked.

It's a common enough problem,

which is why my wife and I recently converted to the electric.

Now, if you were staying at the boarding house,

your possessions will be sent on,

but for now we need to clear the area.

(Oh, God...)

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking that Mrs Rudge was on the cleaning rota for St Mary's

and when she polished the brasses, you could see your face in them.

If her chimney was blocked, she would have known about it.

-Penelope?

-Yes.

Do you think you could get through a window at the back of the house?

SHE COUGHS

So, how did the kittens survive?

Well, they must have been in a safe place.

Or perhaps they do have nine lives.

Anyway, why would anyone want to kill Mrs Rudge?

Landladies, like priests, often know more than is good for them.

Now...

If only we had a chimney sweep.

Oh, you have got to be...

What an awful thing to happen.

I know, you just get settled in a place and you have to up sticks.

Drinkiepoos?

Richie, you haven't actually put your hand in your pocket, have you?

I just thought, with Mrs Whatserchops dying,

life is short, so we may as well get sloshed.

-Do they know for sure what happened?

-I don't know.

Maybe someone told her to act her age, and so she died.

Oh, for heaven's sake! How can you be so cruel?

It's a gift.

I just have this extraordinary talent to derive pleasure

-from the sufferings of other people.

-You.

You've got absolutely no talent whatsoever.

You're just a jumped-up, clapped-out has-been

who's clinging onto my coat-tails.

Actually, my star is very much in the ascendant.

Prepare to be eclipsed.

Try not to get any soot in your eyes.

There's something up there!

What?

Interesting.

In what sense?

It's a metal grille, filled with wax and gravel.

But how did it get up there?

I think that earlier today

someone smeared the sides of the flue with wax and gravel

and then positioned the grille inside the chimney.

And then, when the fire was lit,

the smoke passed through as normal,

but then as the fire got hotter

the wax and gravel melted,

and dropped down to block the holes in the grille.

Turning this house into a smoke bomb.

I've invited the cast to come and stay with me at Montague.

Then you need to be very careful,

because one of them is a killer.

Th-th-this is so kind of you.

I was all ready to snuggle up at the Seamen's Mission.

Still, there's always tomorrow.

Excuse me, love.

Yes?

How much would a place like this cost to buy?

What?

To the nearest hundred. I mean, I'm not short of a shilling.

I think you have to be born here.

There you all are.

Before you get too settled, I need to ask you some questions.

-RADIO:

-'In the book by Beatrix Potter,

'what sort of animal is Miss Tiggywinkle?'

A hedgehog.

'Erm... Hmm.'

A hedgehog. A hedgehog!

'Can you repeat the question, please?'

Mrs McCarthy...

Yes?

This passion for quizzes is becoming obsessive.

Well, I notice that young madam has invited them all to stay,

so no doubt she'll be picking up a few hints.

Guess what!

The whole cast has been carted off to Kembleford nick.

That doesn't surprise me.

Well, it gave me ample time to search their things.

You had no right to do that!

What did you find?

A little black book.

Look. "If found, please return to Richie Queenan."

Well, his private life is a riot.

I never knew that about John Gielgud!

Hm!

And look at the last entry, there.

"The plan is always to end up with one young spunky one

"for the youth audience,

"and a lovable old fusspot for the elderly."

I'd hang onto the word lovable, if I was you.

There's more.

"Stop press, our ancient landlady has now kicked the bucket.

"A tragedy for her, but for me it's the most marvellous escape route."

Interesting.

Are you thinking that that book might be connected to the murder?

It's possible.

If Mrs Rudge had read it, she would know the show was fixed,

and she could have had it cancelled.

And that would make her a serious threat.

But who loves a show enough to be prepared to kill for it?

W-what's all this about? II thought it was a blocked chimney.

We now believe it was blocked deliberately.

Don't look at me. I was nearly killed myself.

So, who else might have had it in for Mrs Rudge?

Well, I don't know, really. I mean, she could be a bit of

a battle-axe, but better than some of the landladies I've known,

I'll tell you that.

Where were you in the early part of the evening?

I was with Joyce, in the pub.

You and Joyce go back a long way.

That's right - we did Variety Bandbox together.

She played the piano while I did my yodelling routine.

I remember that! Very droll.

Now...

Tell me about the other cast members.

Well, I'd say we were a very happy company.

I've known Barney since the year dot. He's...

..a dear friend.

And Jeremy's just joined.

He's been to university, but he seems very nice.

And then Richie...

Yes?

Well, I've just remembered.

Just before we went out this evening,

Richie told Jeremy,

"I hope you and your lady friend get on like a house on fire."

Well, it's a figure of speech, isn't it?

Like "lie back and think of England".

An unfortunate one, considering what happened next.

Hang on! Are you accusing me of murder?

I'm just asking you some questions.

Oh, that's fine.

It's a pleasure just to be nominated.

Something the matter?

Just admiring your moustache.

Like a great forest of virility on a rugged landscape.

Marvellous.

So, can you tell me where you were in the early part of the evening?

Course I can, treacle. I went to see a film.

Salome with Rita Hayworth.

Any witnesses to that?

No.

It was very dark, and Rita can't actually see out of the screen.

HE HUMS

PHONE RINGS

St Mary's Presbytery?

-BUNTY:

-Well, I got home safe.

And so did our wandering stars.

What's the mood, exactly?

Doomy.

Although...Richie was singing a medley of show tunes.

I'm intrigued by the last line in his journal.

Mrs Rudge's death gives him an escape route.

From what?

Or who?

KNOCKING

Hello, darling! Are you ready for an adventure?

I could get used to living in a place like this.

You don't think you'd get lonely?

Just you, rattling around?

Well, I suppose I could always invite me mother over.

Inspector?

Afternoon. I want to have a word with Richie Queenan.

KNOCKING

He's not been down yet, but he...

Oh! That's very odd.

There's nobody here but Lord Reith.

Lord Reith?

That's the name of his teddy bear.

Right.

And his bed hasn't been slept in.

It looks like he went out and never came back.

It's all very queer.

So, can you tell me where Mr Queenan was in the hours

leading up to Mrs Rudge's death?

Why don't you ask him?

We did. He claimed he'd gone to watch a film called Salome -

a film which, it now transpires, doesn't open till next week.

Oh. DOORBELL RINGS INCESSANTLY

Which is why we urgently need to speak to him.

Ah, Inspector. Good afternoon.

Moving in mysterious ways again, are we?

No, I'm here to offer pastoral care to some visitors to our parish.

Oh, that's awfully jolly dee, but Jeremy's just called a rehearsal.

Oh, well...

I've always wanted to be a contestant on a quiz show.

# Up to you! Up to you!

# Are you going to win tonight?

# It's up to you! #

And now for our nail-biting finale.

-Father Brown?

-Hello.

Here's an easy one for you.

What is the capital of France?

Do you mean the capital city?

What else would I mean?

Well, capital in the sense of money, currency,

in which case, the answer would be...franc.

Well, why would I? I mean, why would you think that?

Well, I try to think down every pathway.

I-it's a f-fair point.

Perhaps we should change the question.

I'm losing the will to live, here!

We've been doing this for five hours!

Well, I just think we could f-fine-tune th-the format a bit.

We're just going round in circles! And where's Richie?

THREE LITTLE MAIDS PLAYS

Oh!

Sounds like you've got company.

That must be him.

It's typical Richie. He can never just slip in quietly.

Because it sounds like the music is coming from...

..up there.

LIQUID DRIPS

Hello?

-Is Mr Queenan in there?

-I don't know, I can't get in.

Erm, I think there's a way to get doors off with a screwdriver.

Or...there's a quicker way.

THREE LITTLE MAIDS STOPS

HE DELIVERS LAST RITES

I need to know your movements in the four-hour period leading up

to the discovery of the body.

We were rehearsing.

For six hours. Ad nauseam.

And we do have a very reliable witness.

That'll be me.

Indeed.

We can always rely on the Padre's presence at every crime scene.

Well, it seems perfectly clear what's happened.

Does it?

Richie Queenan murdered Mrs Rudge.

We were on the point of arresting him,

following the collapse of his alibi.

He must have got wind of this and decided to take the easy way out.

But why would he murder an old lady, Inspector?

Mrs Rudge had become aware of his...proclivities.

His indiscretions.

And as she was a well-known gossip,

he knew there was only one way to silence her.

Simple self-preservation.

And what do you mean, proclivities?

Is it the fact that, in every town we went to,

he would always hurry off in search of some manual labourer

who might be in the mood for a drunken bunk-up?

Yes, his love life was unconventional, but

we all...need company.

That's the line I'm pursuing.

But until cause of death is confirmed,

I must insist that you all stay in Kembleford.

Yeah, well, we've got no choice,

because despite everything else, we've got a show to do tomorrow.

-RADIO:

-Police in Kembleford are investigating the apparent

suicide of radio announcer Richie Queenan.

Mr Queenan had been...

Would you turn that blessed thing off?

I just can't bear it.

I've been listening to that voice all my adult life,

and, well, to think that he was a murderer!

That's what they think,

but do you really think he killed Mrs R

and then killed himself?

All our suspects were downstairs, rehearsing the quiz.

Oh, yes, the quiz!

Well, I can hardly believe it's going to go ahead now.

Well, there are 15 million listeners waiting.

Rasputin, ravioli...

..rigor mortis.

"Rigor mortis generally sets in three to four hours after death...

.."but can be delayed by immersion in cold water."

Well, the water was freezing!

He could have been lying there for a couple of hours, pickled.

-Indeed.

-But I thought that door was locked.

Place the body in the bath, lock the door,

climb out of the window...

..and leave it ajar.

But then, who turned on the radio?

We were all miles away.

And why would any of them want to commit a double murder?

That is still a mystery.

Like you...

..I have many questions to answer.

Hello, folks!

How do? How do?

Welcome to the show that wanders the highways and byways...

Yes, yes.

Yes, left. Left at the church.

Right, goodbye.

Can you not pipe down for a blithering moment?!

Our announcer's lost again.

I'm losing the will to live, with all these constant interruptions.

Jeremy, dear, it's all getting a bit fraught.

Why don't you go and check on the lost announcer?

Fraught? That's one word for it.

Do you know, I'm that close to spontaneously combusting.

Well, before you go up in smoke, there's something I need to ask you.

Oh, yeah?

Where were you on Friday night?

-What?

-The night Mrs Rudge was...

I told you before - it's none of your beeswax!

Look, I was willing to give you an alibi -

it just seemed the right thing to do at the time.

But now, I need to know.

No, you don't!

All you need to do is play the piano and keep the people happy.

And you'd make me happy if you'd stop poking your finger

into things that don't concern you!

Just remember that winning isn't everything.

They used to say that at school.

I never believed a word of it.

Mrs McCarthy!

Miss...

Windermere.

Yes! Come this way.

Oh, thank you.

Good luck!

WOMAN PERFORMS VOCAL EXERCISES

Erm, if you'd like to wait here.

Oh, I was so sorry, dear, at the sad news.

Oh, my dear, you look like a Hollywood star!

You're not so shabby yourself.

No, I don't feel very pretty.

What do you mean?

Well, it's Barney.

He can be awfully difficult.

Yes.

Though he's only really difficult when you're around.

What?

It's attention-seeking behaviour, and it's your attention he wants.

Oh, I don't think that's true at all.

Is it?

I'll be glad to see the back of these show-business types.

They're not the same as the likes of us.

No, sir.

Calling everyone "luvvy" or "treacle"...

Well, I just suppose it's the way they talk to each other...

-JINGLE PLAYS

-Hold on! They're starting.

# Are you going to win tonight?

# It's up to you! #

So, at the end of that round,

we are teetering on the brink of a precipice.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

-Mrs McCarthy?

-Hello.

You do not have to answer this question.

If you get it right, you get five points.

If you get it wrong, you'll lose ten points.

Are you going to go for it? It's...

ALL: Up to you!

Yes, I will!

Isn't she brave? Champion. Well done, well done.

Right, the question...

The palmier biscuit contains three ingredients -

sugar, salt, and what type of pastry?

-TICKING

-The palmier...

I have no idea.

It's shortcrust!

-GONG CHIMES

-Oh, dear.

Sorry, it's puff.

Miss Windermere?

Yes.

St Gertrude of Nivelles is the patron saint of what creature?

TICKING

Is it...cats?

APPLAUSE

Well done, well done.

-Are you fond of our furry friends?

-Oh, I adore them.

Kittens...

Excuse me.

Now, your next question, your bonus question, is also about cats.

Are you going to go for it? It's...

ALL: Up to you!

Oh! Um, yes.

APPLAUSE

What is the collective noun for a group of kittens?

TICKING

GONG CHIMES

Oh, dear. I'm so sorry, Miss Windermere, you're out of time.

May I have a word?

Can it wait?

I don't think so, no.

You really do have a talent for radio.

Oh, well done. You're not just a pretty face, are you?

Creating imaginary worlds from just a few sounds.

So, then, it's one-all and all for one and everything to play for.

And you've been manipulating us the whole time.

You led Bunty to the boarding house when you knew the ground floor

would be full of smoke.

And yesterday, you called a rehearsal to give yourself

an alibi when Richie Queenan's body was discovered.

You killed Mr Queenan and Mrs Rudge.

Why would I do that?

I don't think that you meant to kill.

But you became obsessed with a beautiful woman.

-TICKING

-God bless us, every one.

Someone you thought would never give you a second glance.

So you used your brilliant, inventive mind

to fill a house full of smoke.

Your plan was to run in, rescue the kittens,

and run out a hero.

But now you had a problem.

Living with three nosy, gossipy,

inquisitive performers,

someone was bound to find out who killed Mrs Rudge.

Richie knew.

He saw me put the device up the chimney.

He nagged me till he found out what it was

and then he teased me.

Pay no attention. You run along and meet your female.

I'm sure you'll get on like a house on fire.

Was he blackmailing you?

Actually, he was kind.

Hello, darling! Are you ready for an adventure?

'He even asked me out for the evening.

'He took me to a small hotel, gave me a glorious meal,

'told me it would a-all be OK.

'It was just a t-terrible mistake,

'and I shouldn't let it destroy my whole career.'

I imagine Richie Queenan's kindness came at a price.

It did.

When we'd finished eating,

he said something that put the fear of God into me.

Guess what, darling...

I've written a script!

'He'd written some sort of...comedy.'

The Richie Queenan Show.

I looked through.

It was awful.

But he now had the power of life or death over me.

So I said...

Wow, it...it's wonderful!

Of course we'll get it on the BBC.

You're a national treasure.

'We went back to Montague.

'I was trying to calm him down, but he was so happy.

'He was going to wake up the whole house.'

Quiet!

Barney, Joycey, come and hear the theme tune!

Please!

# Richie Queenan Show on the radio

# It's the talk of all the town! #

'His teddy bear. I grabbed hold of it,

'pressed it over his mouth.

'I was only trying to keep him quiet, but I pressed...'

Quiet!

'..and pressed.'

So, then you had another body to dispose of.

So you locked him in the bathroom...

..and then, some hours later,

when we were all downstairs,

the radio came on.

I was mystified as to how you did that,

but now I know.

Very clever.

The Third Programme...

..doesn't come on air till six o'clock PM.

'It was almost soothing, to hold him under the water.

'And I wished that I could just wash him away.'

And wash myself away, and wash away everything I'd done.

And, well...

If you confess, and repent...

..God will wash away your sins.

And stand beside me as I hang?

If you run, you WILL face the hangman's noose.

If you tell the police what happened,

you may get a custodial sentence.

Prison?

It could hardly be worse than boarding school.

And if it stops Richie's family from believing the worst of him...

-It's too late for that.

-Sorry?

It was broadcast today on the radio -

Richie Queenan committed suicide,

consumed with guilt for the murder.

But n-n-no. No, but that's an inaccuracy.

They can't say that.

So, folks, I think we all...

AUDIENCE GASP

-Hello.

-What you doing?!

My name is Jeremy and...I've come to confess.

I killed Mrs Rudge.

And Richie Queenan.

-# Up to you... #

-No, please - you have to hear me.

And I did it because...

Bunty Windermere...

-# Thank you all for tuning in... #

-..I love you.

# Up to you! #

-I'm so, so sorry.

-Erm, we interrupt this broadcast...

Shall we go round and arrest him, sir?

Yes, Sergeant. Obviously.

What time is our train?

Why are you asking me?

-Sorry?

-Well, you don't trust me, do you?

"Where were you on the night of the murder?"

I never accused you,

I just don't know why you were keeping secrets from me.

All right, I'll tell you.

I'd gone to see a very talented man that lives around here...

..who makes hairpieces.

Oh, Barney!

That looks very...

luxuriant.

But why did you feel it was necessary?

Well, you know...

The star of the show, and that.

I didn't want people thinking, "Oh, he's losing his follicles."

But it's a radio show.

I know.

But the piano player can see me.

Well, bon voyage.

Yeah, our train's in ten minutes.

Before you go, there's just one thing I need to ask you.

Yeah?

Who won the quiz?

What? I don't know.

To be honest, I had other things on my mind.

Oh, right.

Shall we say it was a draw?

Yes, of course.

Congratulations, Penelope.

And you, Mrs M.

Well, good luck with the show.

Thank you very much.

We're not going to do the show any more.

What?!

I've been doing it for ten years now, and,

well, my heart's not really in it.

And I've behaved very badly to the people around me.

That's a very brave decision, leaving a successful quiz.

Maybe today is the day for brave decisions.

I've been doing the show for ten years too,

and in all that time, you've been a belligerent bully,

utterly ungrateful for my contribution.

But for all that, Barney Butterfield...

..I love you.

What?!

Don't make me say it again.

They have a train to catch!

Quite.

HORN BEEPS

-Barney:

-Goodbye.

Goodness!

What am I going to do with my Sunday evenings now?

Well...

# It's up to you

# Up to you! #