Glass Houses Holby City

How would you feel about applying for the position

-of Departmental Foundation Doctor Representative?

-Wow.

Do you think I'd be any good at it?

I wouldn't be asking if I didn't.

You can talk to me, any time. I'll try to help.

I don't need your help.

I never sleep, Mum, because of you.

I watch out for you to make sure that you're still breathing.

Every night, I'm scared that you'll just stop.

-I'm going to get help to stop taking the medication.

-OK.

I've chosen a really brilliant sponsor to help me

through the process.

You mean...me?

Matteo Rossini.

Now, could one of you point me in the direction of Darwin Ward?

I believe I'm late for my first day.

Oi-oi! Wait up.

What do you think?

70 quid off eBay!

Well, when you're ready for a real mid-life crisis,

let me know and I'll let you ride my beast.

Got the thrill, have you?

Smell of the leathers, thrill of the open road?

Well, haven't you heard? It's the new me.

-PHONE CHIMES

-Date tonight.

She does all this sexting stuff.

It's a bit full-on for me!

All the kids are doing it. Here, let me see.

Whoa!

What site did you two hook up on, Porn-Stars-R-Us?

What's to say we didn't meet in the bread aisle buying focaccia?

Because you gave up carbs a month ago - allegedly.

What are you writing?

Your ticket to heaven. No need to thank me.

-Jac!

-Enjoy it while it lasts.

-Sorry, what's that meant to mean?

Well, I think we both know that you're punching way above your weight.

Unless it's your quirky personality she's attracted to,

or perhaps it's your consultant's salary?

SHE GROANS

You OK?

Yes, I'm fine.

You forgot your helmet.

Jac!

You've been avoiding my calls like I've been chasing you

for a PPI claim or something. It was you who called me, remember?

Yeah, I've seen the scans. We just wait and watch.

I know you think that gynae is child's play when it comes

to serious doctoring. However...

Look, it's my body, my choices. The painkillers are working fine.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've a very busy day today.

Something amusing? Care to share?

TRANSLATION FROM ITALIAN:

Prego!

Listen to Mikey's maths test yesterday. All right?

Jonny has 32 chocolate Santas.

He gives - thank you - Jane eight, Paul four

and then eats 18 himself. What's he got?

Diabetes?

-Raf, could I have a word?

-Sure.

Do you know what? I just think they push them too hard at school.

The answer's two. It is basic arithmetic for kids his age.

Yeah, well my basic arithmetic - two plus two leaves me with nothing!

Are things still really tough at home?

Just failed some credit score for a poxy rental.

So looks like poor old Raf's going to be putting up with us

for a second year on the bounce.

Aww, but he'll love it. You know, all the kids around.

presents under the tree.

You can have mince pies. He can play Santa...

Yeah, but it's not St Nicholas paying for it all, is it?

Right, listen up, guys and girls, festive season is upon us,

so it's vomit bowls and stomach pumps front and centre.

Things are going to get queasy.

Yeah. Raf is going up to Keller today and with Serena off too, we're up against it.

Good luck, guys.

Brace, brace, brace!

Grin and bear it, Fletch, grin and bear it

or I'll make the wearing of reindeer deelyboppers mandatory.

Oh, can we? Please, I'm feeling really festive today.

Now, has anyone seen my iPad anywhere?

Whose bright idea was this?

Because the top brass know we're already stretched.

I think there's a full-size reindeer costume in the store

-cupboard if you want to try it on for size.

-I'm just saying...

Well, you can take it up with the man himself.

Mr Griffin will be with us at shortly, so I'd like the ward to at least appear efficient.

Do you get me?

Why's Ric Griffin on the ward?

Maybe he's come to give us a hand because Raf's deserted us.

They're deciding on who's going to be

Foundation Doctor Representative today.

You think he's come to see what you've got in your locker?

-Well, if he is, I need to be on my A game.

-Yeah.

Fletch, help a sister out?

Brother from another mother.

I just don't understand the plight of middle-aged men in this country.

Sacha's really bought a full set of bike leathers?

I guess he's being practical,

considering he just bought himself a bike.

-He looked like a burst couch!

-All hail the fashion police!

You've got that to look forward to, haven't you, Ollie?

What is the Italian equivalent of a mid-life crisis?

-We get a younger, hotter model, of course!

-Is that an offer?

There's nothing more sexy than a woman in full bloom.

Yeah? Knew these elasticated maternity pants would do it for you.

Do you think we could stop this little love-in

and get some work done, please?

Of course, lives to save and all that.

-Are you OK, Mo?

-Yeah. You know how it is, novelty's kind of worn off.

Just want the little blighter out - now.

-Could he get any smarmier?

-Oh, I don't know.

I can see how a girl could fall for his charms.

Turfs up here like he owns the place.

Since when did such arrogance become so attractive?

You know, if I didn't know you better,

I'd say you were a teensy weensy bit jealous of Mr Rossini.

Don't be ridiculous! What's he got that I haven't?

-Shall we crack on?

-Yeah.

-Good.

-Sure.

What have you got for me today?

We have family in today - Alistair Maconie.

Ah, yes, Jonny's brother. He's coming in for his elective?

Does Jac know?

Yes, and she hasn't even been in to say ciao yet.

Alistair. Glad you could make it this time.

Hey, there's my favourite blue-eyed boy.

Tell me you're doing my op and not the coleslaw?

Not with you?

It's a little nickname I have for my wannabe sister-in-law.

Good. So should we kick you off with...

Chest X-ray, ECG with echo and angiogram?

I know the drill, hon. Been round the block enough times.

I'm a bank nurse.

So sorry to leave you guys in the lurch today.

The surgical list isn't too bad, so any problems, let me know, OK?

Hey, good to see the cavalry's arrived.

It'll be a nice change of pace for me, if I'm honest.

The tests and trials of Major Wolfe's trauma teams.

Do you hear choppers in your nightmares?

I hear you've bagged yourself a registrar.

You working your way up to consultant?

I'm not that kind of girl, actually.

Raf, I can't apologise enough.

I've got a mountain of paperwork to finish and it's got to the point

where Ric is actually locking the door to our office.

All right, thank you.

Right, get yourself acquainted with this little lot and I'll get you a coffee.

That's good of you. Just black, please.

And here, on the plains of the Serengeti,

the dominant male detects a new alpha in the midst of the pack.

Is there a reason you're using the ladies toilet?

-Cleaner, more hygienic. Have you been in the gents?

-Not recently.

But more importantly, you're in here and we need to talk privately.

Fine. I'm all ears.

Don't you find fluorescent lighting puts years on a woman?

I'm not one for conflict or holding grudges, Jac.

Good. You're not planning a coup to usurp me then?

I want you to know that although we may differ in our outlooks on life, I have total respect for you.

I like this place, the staff too. They're friendly, good people.

So you need to know I'm here to stay.

You will have my full support. I will have your back at all times.

Consider me your right hand.

Thanks. But this is the only right hand I've ever needed.

Do you think you could both give me a minute, please?

SHE SIGHS

We should probably decide who's top dog today.

Oh, come on. We can bounce off each other.

Anything too taxing, you can just page Mr Levy.

-Shall we toss a coin? Best of three?

-Seriously?

It's important to have a chain of command.

Hanssen's words, not mine.

All right, if you insist. Let's settle this Zulu style!

-Not following.

-The film - Battle of Rorke's Drift.

150-strong Welsh choir had a bit of a dust-up with 4,000 locals.

-Ah. Musical rom-com.

-It's a classic!

Stanley Baker and Michael Caine decide who's the senior officer

to command the up-and-coming battle

-by the dates they were commissioned as lieutenants.

-Sounds riveting(!)

OK, I'll go first. Became a registrar February, 2009.

January 8th, the same year.

Guess that makes you my bitch today.

You understand what shunt-reversal is?

My blood circulation has effectively changed direction.

And the consequences of that?

You're the consultant, I'm just a lowly nurse, remember?

Sorry. You are one of us, after all.

Almost family. Jonny sends his love.

Always the joker, Alistair.

So if the shunts total, I'll need a heart/lung transplant, won't I?

I don't think we're at that stage,

but I'd like to run a stress echo to get a bigger picture.

-Even if it's partial?

-Then we have options.

-Can you organise that?

-Oh, yeah, sure.

I've been here before.

The pressure on his heart trying to reverse the shunt

will most likely lead to ventricular failure.

If he still has bidirectional flow,

a fenestrated patch could ease the pressure.

You're going to struggle to get him off bypass, in my opinion.

Without a transplant, we're handing him a death sentence anyway.

Could your judgment be clouded by the fact he's your baby's uncle?

I did my homework on you.

What happened to full support?

Ah, Jac.

Did I tell you that I've got a rather snazzy new coffee machine

and I could make you an affogato creme...

Is this how you entice all your female patients downstairs?

I just need five minutes,

ten minutes tops, to do a fresh ultrasound.

Parker? What the hell's happened to you?

Please don't start on me.

ED said he presented with upper abdominal pain

and bringing up blood, so they want us to investigate.

Someone give you a kicking?

You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Just sort me out, Raf.

Does your mum know that you're here?

She's having dialysis today. I didn't want to freak her out.

Can we get some fluids into him, Essie?

-FBC, clotting screen and an abdominal CT scan, please.

-Sure.

HE SIGHS

-I still can't find my iPad.

-You think someone's nicked it?

Well, someone's going to be eating it if they have.

Easy, tiger, it'll turn up. Just concentrate on the job in hand.

Next up from the ED, Artem Chernik.

He could have a vascular injury.

Brilliant, a Serena specialism. Where is she when I need her, eh?

I think you'll find that's hospital property, Mr Chernik!

No need to be so formal, my angel. Please, call me Arty.

Well, unless you're booking me a long weekend in Barcelona,

I really need that iPad back.

Just give me one more minute.

In the meantime, cast your eye over this.

If you would be so kind...

You do realise I'm in a no-limits game against a tight rock?

-So?

-I'm under the gun,

short-stacked with hidden trips and he may go all in!

-How much are you sitting on?

-£148.

Damn it, he's folded! This guy's good!

Well, when the fun stops and all that...

I was going to give it back, you know. Ow!

OK. So, um...several fractured fingers,

looks like the wrist, too.

How and when did you do this, Arty? There's an awful lot of swelling.

Run-in with the local thuggery the other day.

What, did they mug you, or something?

Slipped on one of the little darling's skateboards on the stairs.

-Backflip and a grind?

-Yeah, on my face.

Love kids, me. Couldn't eat a whole one, though.

So, what's the verdict?

We're going to need to do an X-ray to confirm the fractures.

I think we're going to need a Doppler ultrasound, too.

I'm slightly concerned about the blood flow to the hand.

You can fix me up? This is my lucky finger.

Hm! We'll do our best.

Fletch, if you could finish this admission,

and I'll get you some painkillers as well.

-Can we also get FBC, U and Es and LFTs, please?

-Yeah.

What you worrying about?

That's been left a long time without treatment.

If it is a pseudoaneurysm, it could be limb-threatening.

So I've spoken to Parker and he's ready to fess up.

What's your secret?

Talk to him like a normal human being.

I've just seen Kim in the renal unit.

Raf, he's a teenage boy,

he's bound to get into scrapes from time to time.

What do you suggest I do about him bunking school?

-What, are you his dad now?

-CHUCKLING

-It's not funny!

-It is funny!

I'm sorry... No, it is quite funny. I know your pain.

Anyway, we need to leave this lovely young lady alone

and you need to get back to your bed.

-I was reeling her in until you blocked me!

-Oh, please!

Sorry, what's going on?

Spotty teenage youth was trying his luck

with the uber blonde in bay six.

-She was down for it, I'm telling you!

-Oh, come on!

You'll be down for it when her boyfriend gets back!

-Aw, bless! She probably just thought it was sweet.

-Hey!

So, I hear you're ready to spill about what happened today.

That voice? Seriously?

Told you.

Just...just tell me how you ended up in here, Parker.

Promise you won't laugh.

Won't even crack a smile.

I can't promise the same thing.

-The cinnamon challenge.

-Ah!

I take it you both have an idea what he's talking about?

You have to swallow a spoonful of cinnamon.

I mean, it's not as easy as it sounds. It's not.

It's not as easy as it sounds.

-The voice of experience?

-Um...yeah, something like that.

So, how does that lead to you spitting up claret?

I was vomiting so hard, it hurt inside

and then I started coughing up blood.

Is the CT scan back yet?

I'll chase that.

Oh, er...by the way, your mum's on her way up.

If I was you, I would get my story straight, buddy.

How far gone are you?

So, you didn't pull me down here to tell me you knew?

No. No, no.

There's no way of knowing from the ultrasound at this early stage,

but the bloods will let us know.

I'll run an FBC, CA125 and b-HCG on that blood.

-Total overkill.

-This is going to be cold.

-Mm-hm.

That's great.

OK.

-Are you in pain?

-A little.

Now, the cyst on your right ovary

has grown considerably since your last scan.

There's a possibility it might have torted your ovary,

and that's what will be causing you the discomfort.

OK. So just keep me under observation

until I decide what to do about the pregnancy.

Er...Jac, I've got a PhD in procrastination

and another in paranoia. They don't mix well, believe me.

You're not gutting me like a fish just for the sake of it.

I have to think about the bigger picture now.

I realise there are other things to consider,

-but we need to deal with this quickly!

-Not happening!

Thanks for your concern, but I've got it covered.

Three broken fingers.

The wrist does need pinning.

I've put in a call to Orthopaedics.

Picture the scene.

1995, OJ Simpson had just been found not guilty

and I was in Vegas when Vegas still looked like Vegas!

Place was buzzing!

I'm going to hazard a guess and say that you're a smoker.

Treated like a king.

Limo from the airport,

entire suite to myself at Caesar's!

-How much are you drinking these days?

-Teetotal.

Have been for donkey's. Need all my wits about me.

So I slipped in the back door on a wild-card ticket.

Can you tell me about your living situation?

Never been anywhere like that in my life.

Like, now, Arty.

ARTY SIGHS

Council flat up on Bailey Hill.

-It's all right.

-So, how are you managing? Are you eating well?

Say an Englishman's home is his castle, mine's got its own moat.

-Your flat's got damp?

-Not going to be there forever.

I came third, you know, World Tournament.

You see this? My pride and joy.

Won enough cash to live the life for a couple of years.

Put my girl through university.

Foreign holidays with the missus. So many good times.

-I done it once, I can do it again.

-Um...how'd you get the burn, mate?

Ah, Morven! So this is where you're hiding.

Ricky Griffin, you old salt dog!

Good to see you again!

Fish Eyes! What are you doing here?

Tell this guy I'm the real deal.

Don't think he believes me.

Arty Chernick is probably the finest poker player

who ever took money off me.

This guy taught me everything I need to know about the game.

Oh, tosh! What did I teach you?

That I was no good at it, for one thing.

You didn't listen, though, did you? Came back for more.

Almost had me over a few times, mind.

Yeah, sure, sure, sure(!)

You always managed to break my nerve.

Well, good to see you again. I'll be back.

You see?

Alistair would like to see you. We have his stress echo results.

As you can see, the shunt is currently only partial.

Is he aware there's a chance of reprieve?

You are still seriously going to offer him this surgery

when you know as well as I do his chances of survival are...?

What do you want me to do?

Give him a long, drawn-out death sentence on the transplant list?

At least he sees another day going down the route.

How's Emma doing? Does she remember her favourite uncle?

-Haven't seen her in an age.

-You're her only uncle.

Look, I accept I've played a part in all this mess,

not getting this operation sooner,

but you don't understand the pressure I've been under at work.

We all are, Alistair.

Harsh, but not fair, Jac.

You know being agency takes me all over the country.

With that aside, you have a limited window of opportunity here

to get your life back to normal.

Once the shunt is fully reversed, surgery is off the table.

Dr Blue Eyes has made me all too aware.

You could go down the medication route, wait for a transplant.

You really need to look at all your options.

You could be waiting years for suitable organs to become available.

Meanwhile, seeing a steady decline in your heart function,

-if that's what you want...

-You know, Jonny told me

-Emma has brought you two a little bit closer these days.

-Irrelevant.

Ah! So, the Maconies are irrelevant to you?

What you decide to do is up to you, Alistair.

Who you are to me is of no consequence.

-Ah!

-So, where is the fugitive?

I assume the truancy police are on their way?

I haven't called them yet.

The way you were talking earlier, I thought someone had died.

Excuse me for giving a damn(!)

Oh, come on, Raf. You never bunked off school before?

My mother was a crack shot with a Scholl sandal,

so no would be the answer to that.

Parker's CT scan's in. It's nothing too concerning.

Looks like a Mallory-Weiss tear, brought about by vomiting.

I think the young Casanova can be discharged.

You hear that, buster? I'm springing you!

But what's wrong with me?

You have a small rip in the tissue

where your stomach joins your oesophagus.

We'll have to put you under to perform a gastroscopy to confirm.

That's really not necessary. It'll heal by itself.

All the same, I'd like to take a look.

You heard the man. Let's get your stuff.

It's nothing invasive, it's just a small camera down his throat

to double-check everything's all right.

Forgive me, but I always think better safe than sorry.

OK, Dr Kildare, do your worst, but all you're going to find there

is burgers and fried chicken.

I'm going to Scotty's.

Just for a few nights. Maybe a week.

-His mum said it was OK.

-Hm. Did she now?

She running a B&B for the great unwashed, is she?

What's brought this on, Parker?

Just, you know, stuff.

Hm!

You've got a look on your face saying, "Should have known better".

Note to self, wear non-judgmental face more often.

It's easy enough to bury yourself in your work. I've done it.

Last time I was due to have my elective,

I was an hour from my theatre slot

when the ward rang, saying they were short-staffed.

Well, that's a schoolboy error.

Don't you know it's bad form to use mobiles on the ward?

There was no sign of the shunt then, I was all good to go.

Yet here we are. Hurrah for the NHS cost-cutters.

With the Angel of Death as my surgeon.

ZOSIA LAUGHS

Yes, I heard Jac's offered you a lifeline.

It's just a shame it's all do or die, really.

I was hoping to land Dr Blue Eyes.

Well, yes, he's very, very straight, I'm afraid.

-I meant for my surgery.

-Mm.

Jac really is the best we've got, Alistair.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

I would cut my toenails.

-What?

-Those are the longest things I've seen in my entire life.

You wouldn't catch me going to surgery looking like that.

ALISTAIR LAUGHS

That could have gone badly wrong.

I knew you'd have Jonny's sense of humour.

Now, look...

-What is it with you?

-Hm? What? sorry?

Oh, don't be coy. You clearly still like her.

Liked, past tense.

"I still have feelings for this woman,

"but I'm frightened to tell her. What shall I do?

"I know, I will have a cup of tea and watch Downton Abbey."

-You must live in the moment!

-It was a mistake, us getting together, OK?

-Clearly not in your eyes.

-Right, so, what do you suggest?

Slap on some Luther Vandross and get busy.

Seriously? That's your advice?

Carpe diem! Embrace the tempestuous mistress that is love.

-Imagine, it's Saturday afternoon.

-Hm?

-The best time for lovemaking.

-Well, not in cricket season.

She is lying, hot, breathless,

naked, next to another man.

He is better looking, richer, more successful than you.

She cannot tear herself away from him.

Good, thanks for the chat(!)

By the way, I love Downton!

For the record.

What are those?

Happy-clappy pills. Psychiatrist gave them to me.

Only to be used in dire emergencies

and to be washed down with organic gin, of course.

You've done really well, Kim. I'm proud of you.

And I heard the first 20 years of parenting are the worst.

So only a few more to go. Yay(!)

You sure he's going to be OK?

-Hey.

-Hey.

-How you doing?

-Well, I think someone in HR

must be clinically insane, with these stupid questions.

I've been doing a Health at Work questionnaire.

Well, I've got a question for you - what are you doing eating sushi?

Well, I reckon I need a month or 12 off the pies.

I couldn't even get you to look at a tin of tuna!

TEXT ALERTS

Who's texting you like a teenager?

Someone even Jac Naylor doesn't think I should be acquainted with.

-Why's that?

-Well, let me give you an example.

"Oh, Sacha, I want your bleeping bleep so bleeping much."

ESSIE CHUCKLES

"I can't even think properly.

"Please don't leave me hanging, babes!"

Insert expletives appropriately.

Wow! She sounds fabulous!

Ma Levy is simply going to love her(!)

Anyway, um...we were having a sweepstake on the ward about you...

Oh, so, my virtual love life is public property now, is it?

You are free to put yourself out there.

The reason for the diet, I presume?

There's nothing wrong with losing a few pounds.

Yeah, well, some women prefer cute and cuddly.

Do you want my sandwiches?

-Well, you had to say that, didn't you?

-Hm.

Nasty burn, Mr Chernik. How did you do this?

I do like my creases sharp.

You burnt yourself on the iron?

I'm normally quite adept, but when the iron fell off the board,

I somehow decided to catch it.

He's a walking disaster zone, if you listen to him.

MESSAGE ALERT

We've got his blood results back.

All relatively normal.

Liver function's good.

So, he's not an alky, then?

The bad news is he is going to need surgery.

You were right to be concerned. That's a high-voltage burn.

So, why's he fobbing us off about the iron, then?

It's an electrical fault, maybe?

Well, that would have tripped the fuse board, surely?

-It's a mystery, then.

-Well, he is going to need emergency surgery

to the artery if we're going to save his hand.

The clock's really ticking on this one.

All the same, I want an ECG done pre-theatre,

make sure there's no damage to the heart.

And if he shows any signs of delirium of dizziness,

-you let me know.

-Right, I'm on it.

What's Mr T doing here? There's no gynae cases today.

Just you.

I think you must be having a boy child, you know.

-Yeah? How do you work that one out?

-You look positively radiant.

It's a well-known fact that girls drain a mother's beauty.

-Are you saying I've still got it going on?

-Of course.

-Hi!

-Hey.

-You looking for someone?

Er...yeah. Is Jac Naylor around?

Yes. She's usually omnipresent, keeping an eye on us minions.

I need to see her quite urgently.

OK. Anything I can help you with?

No. No, no, no. Just ask her to page me when she's free, please.

Give Inga my regards.

Ah! I sense a previous entanglement.

What, me and Mr T? No, no. We're just good friends.

The scent of unrequited love lies heavy on you.

Yeah? Well, the scent of stale aftershave lies heavy on you. Ha!

I'm starting to think I need to take an injunction out on you!

No. Jac, listen, this really isn't going to go away.

Nor are you, apparently.

For once in your life, will you just please just hear someone out?!

Why do you think that you know better than everyone else?

That you've got some sort of God-given right

to ride roughshod over the world?!

I'm all ears.

Jac, we both know that you could have cancer.

More than aware, Mr Thompson.

Right. Well, I think we're nearly done.

Can you call Orthopaedics, please, and let them know

we're almost ready for them to reset the wrist and the fingers?

You called Arty Fish Eyes.

Yeah. That was his circuit moniker.

Swab, please.

He'd sit down at the table

and within ten minutes,

he'd know all your weaknesses, all your strengths.

Yet he was unreadable.

At his best, he was unplayable.

Just unreasonable now.

So he wins big out in Vegas and ends up on Skid Row here.

-What's the story behind that?

-I don't know.

We lost touch after he went to the States.

Did you manage to get anything out of him?

Only that he doesn't leave his dingy flat very often

and, er...he lives a pretty frugal life.

Which can lead to depression, anxiety and addiction issues.

Quite so.

Well, I think you're ready to step up, Dr Digby.

Would you like to tie off the artery and save the hand,

-now that the clots have been cleared?

-No pressure(!)

So he had it all and he let it slip through his fingers.

Well, there but for fortune go you and I.

Who knows what caused all the damage, though.

What are you doing here?

Oh, you know, contemplating life, the universe.

Nah, it's just mandatory HR rubbish

and I came here for a change of scenery.

You don't seem your usual Xena, Warrior Princess self today.

We're all allowed an off one, Sacha.

So, you regard the bike leathers as a bit of faux pas, do you?

TEXT ALERT

I regard dating strange women who send you half-naked selfies

when they don't even know your name

as a catastrophic error of judgment.

Well, I've cancelled.

-Till when?

-Oh, till hell freezes over.

I take it she's not a happy bunny-boiler.

Thinks I've binned her off for another woman.

And she's threatening to come into the hospital.

I was hoping if she did and it all kicked off,

you might, you know, take her down, bust some moves.

Today, I found out I'm pregnant.

I've also been made acutely aware

that there's a good chance I might have cancer.

So if I'm not my usual bundle of joy today,

then I hope now you can understand why.

She's got me doing chores straight from school.

Said she can't make her appointments and keep the house straight.

She's asked you to wash a dish, or run a hoover around, has she?

Nobody likes teenagers, Parker. Everyone knows that.

What is it my dad used to say?

"You're a blight on society until you're paying your bills."

Is that why you've been bunking off school?

I just needed to chill with my mates for a bit.

Oh, my heart bleeds for you(!)

You figure you won't have to lift a finger around you mate's gaff?

Yeah. He's got a proper mum.

Can't you just whisk her away on holiday or something?

-And why would I do that?

-Behave yourself.

You two have been dancing around each other ever since you first met.

You're all she talks about.

Only reason you decided to sponsor her was so you could keep in touch.

Yeah, Raf, get a room.

Nothing's for certain yet.

And you won't know until after histology.

Then why the urgency?

Thompson clearly didn't like the look of the cyst.

OK, even if it's malignant, if you catch it early enough...

I don't have time for cancer, Sacha.

-I remember when Rachel got sick...

-This better have a point.

Just, I know exactly what you're going through.

There's no amount of kind words or logic

that will make a damn bit of difference to you.

-Then shut up.

-But what I will say is,

you need to tackle this head-on.

Is that the best you can do?

So, when's Mr T doing his thing?

Who says I'm having surgery? I have a baby to think about.

TEXT ALERT

JAC SIGHS

Jonny's brother's on the ward.

He's likely to die if I'm not on the ball today.

So, you're putting his wellbeing before your own?

Sacha, if you breathe a word of this to anyone,

I'll personally disembowel you.

The shunt is partial and, therefore, potentially fixable,

but we'll have to deal with the pulmonary hypertension

once the ASD has been dealt with.

That's if we can get you off bypass

and persuade your heart to play ball.

You know, I could quite go for you if you weren't so doom and gloom.

And if it works?

Life goes back to relative normality, bar a few pills.

Or I could disappear into sweet oblivion

without making my mark on the world.

Do you want to talk to Jonny about this?

And have him talk me out of it?

-How many times have you had to deal with this condition?

-Twice.

-And...?

-Won one, lost one.

Sounds to me like you've got a score to settle.

Trust me, you're just another patient when I get you into theatre.

Charming! Lovely bedside manner(!)

I'll leave you two to it.

-I think I made your henchman a little bit uncomfortable.

-Good.

You know, Jonny told me about you and him

having a little horizontal refreshment.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Believe me, it's not the sort of thing Jonny would just make up.

It was a moment of madness, that's all.

Promise me one thing.

Don't ever go near my brother again.

Why would I listen to you?

Because together, you're toxic.

And you want what's best for Emma.

Are you seriously trying to give me parenting advice

when I'm about to slice you open?

Seems like my life is in your hands.

Coleslaw.

You look a little tense, Mr Valentine.

The odds are still massively stacked against him.

Then you better hope our queen of darkness...

Get Alistair prepped for theatre, please, Valentine,

and get him consented, as well. TEXT ALERT

He knows all the risks involved?

More than aware. Just get it done.

Hm. Bleed's a little worse than we thought.

There was no visible free fluid on the CT scan.

It's very difficult to gauge from a single scan,

but it's no biggie now we've caught it.

Use a Sengstaken tube to put pressure on the bleed?

That might further rupture the tear.

Let's try some adrenaline first.

Looks like you were right to investigate further.

I can only apologise.

There's no need.

This is a team effort, yeah?

You know, this is pretty routine stuff.

I can take it from here, if you've got something more important to do.

Injecting 5mls of adrenaline.

And it's working. Bleeding is slowing.

Have you got this covered?

It's good to see you have so much faith in me.

So, I'm not pregnant?

Well, they are usually pretty accurate,

but perhaps the cysts are producing HCG.

You're just... You're unlucky.

Or lucky, I suppose, it depends which way you look at it.

And what's that meant to mean?

Well, I assumed, you being a career girl and everything...

You don't think I'd have made a fist of being a good mother again?

Um...

Jac, I really am sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear, but...

Good news, though, you know, we've got your blood tests back.

They're fine, so we can really get cracking now,

remove the cyst now that the pregnancy isn't an issue.

Is that supposed to make me feel better?

There's the door.

I'll let you know when I'm ready to be sliced and diced.

-Do you really think that's prudent, given the circumstances?

-Get out.

Blimey, when you said this was going to hurt me a lot less than you...

Why don't you tell me about your daughter?

Help take your mind off things.

-How do you know about her?

-Well, I'm either psychic,

-or you put her down as your next of kin on your forms.

-Hm.

Sydney's a bit of an odd name for a girl, though, isn't it?

Ha! Very dull tourist tour of the Sydney Opera House,

me and the missus decided to spice things up a bit.

FLETCH CHUCKLES She ever forgive you?

My wife did not.

My Sydney's an ex-nurse, like you, you know.

-Glad to hear she's done so well for herself.

-A proper career girl.

She always knew what she wanted to do with her life.

-Do you want me to give her a call, get her in?

-No.

She's in America. Married to John, another high-flyer.

He's OK, for a Yank.

And she's aware of how you're living?

What do you mean? I do all right.

Or that you're tapping into your next-door neighbour's electric?

Arty, mate, you had a 240-volt belt

and then you've woken up in this mess.

You probably thought a packet of peas

and a couple of paracetamol would sort this right out.

You got no idea how lucky you are.

I was born lucky.

I used to be someone, you know!

Respected all over the world!

Well, right now, that counts for nothing.

You really need to phone your daughter.

I really need to know what's going on with Jac.

I've called for help and the problem is being addressed.

-Not if she's still swerving her surgery!

-Here comes the cavalry now.

-Please, Sacha, not a word of this to anybody.

-OK.

-You wanted to see me?

-Yes. There's a rather delicate situation

I don't feel at all qualified to deal with.

OK, Alistair's prepped and ready for theatre.

They're waiting for you.

And why are The Three Stooges here?

Maybe word is out you're about to perform a minor miracle.

We should have sold tickets.

JAC SIGHS

I think, fundamentally, he's just lonely.

Well, there's nothing on Arty's record

to suggest he's ever sought help from social care.

He's old school, isn't he? It'll be a pride thing.

Probably doesn't even know it exists.

I think we should keep him in for a couple of days, monitor his heart.

And why's that?

Well, symptoms from an electric shock like that

often show up long after the event, so tell me if his vitals change.

-Thanks, Bernie.

-And keep him away from the tech.

Oh, Arty, come on, mate!

Two minutes. Finally got this bugger with his pants down!

What are you doing?!

-Trying to make a living.

-Come on.

Come on, you need your rest. Get back into bed now, Arty.

Oh! Fletch!

Call him.

-I know he's bluffing.

-In!

You still disapprove?

You offered, he accepted.

Still, have to admire Alistair's decision to proceed.

Kill or cure. Big.

You think you'd have made the same choice if you were in his position?

I guess none of us really know how we would react until we're there.

I'd like a word with Ms Naylor alone, please, Matteo.

-We have a patient waiting.

-This won't take long.

I've had certain information which tells me

that you're not fit to take out an appendix,

let alone attempt a procedure of this magnitude.

This is my department, I won't be dictated to.

-OK, out, now!

-No, it's fine. It'll pass.

-Argh!

-This conversation is now academic.

JAC WINCES

Good call. Let's get that gurney here now!

Order cross-match and a litre of Hartmann's.

-Get her down to Gynae, please!

-I'd better scrub in.

-Argh!

-What's wrong?

-None of your business!

-What about Alistair?

You've got to step up, Matteo. Go!

Rossini, not a word to anyone.

You will save my ovaries!

Let's focus on saving your life first, shall we?

Let's get her under quickly, please.

You're going in laparoscopically?

We're going to what we're going to do.

Have you checked my platelets and clotting?

Jac, I really don't think this is the time for a surgical masterclass.

Jac?

Is she...?

It is official.

Jac Naylor is the most difficult patient I've ever had.

Let's find out what's going on down there, shall we?

Throat's still a bit sore.

Ask for the good meds!

I've prescribed you some high dose proton inhibitors, Parker.

You will need to rest up to give the tear time to heal itself,

but there's no reason why you can't go home in the next few hours.

I wonder who first thought eating cinnamon was a good idea.

Have you never done anything completely stupid?

Nothing that required a hospital visit.

Oh, no, I tell a lie.

There was that time during the match that I told the pub nutter to chill out.

Hey, even nutters need love sometimes. Don't we, Parkie?

I'm not the one who's a nutter!

He loves me really.

So you should if you want to stay at Scotty's.

Are you serious?

Gets you out from under my feet for a little while.

It's a no-brainer, really.

She is losing a lot of blood.

Can you keep squeezing in the packed cells, please?

So what are we looking at?

Well, take a look for yourself.

That is a GS problem now.

Can someone tape her eyes down, please?

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

Shall we crack on?

Nothing like a bit of Handel to focus the senses, don't you think?

Go on! What are you waiting for?

Why did you ask for me to assist you rather than Ms Effanga?

She's all-knowing.

You, on the other hand, have a long journey in front of you.

-I figured you'd appreciate the experience.

-Hm.

Sternum saw, please.

SAWING

You're going to set fire to your fingers at this rate!

I'm just messaging Scotty to tell his mum I'm getting out of hospital soon.

Please don't put him up to the cinnamon challenge.

He's the one that challenged me!

The blonde in bay six just asked for your number.

Really?!

No!

No. Here's your stuff.

-She was down for it, I'm telling you!

-Mm-hm. Sure!

Do you think it's of order... me leaving my mum for a while?

Not for a short time, no.

She proper needs the break, more than I do.

You're going back to school, though?

When Scotty's mum found out we were cutting classes, she went mental.

When mine found out, she gave me a pat on the back.

I've managed to control the bleed for now,

but her right ovary is adherent to the bowel.

I think you should excise the ovary with the cyst

and let me resect the ileum.

If you manage to separate the bowel, I believe I can save the ovary.

But if you're not careful, you'll risk an enterotomy.

Well, if we hit a wall, then we go with your plan B

and suffer her wrath.

Ooh, lucky you. Get out of here. I'm on a double.

You do know Chernik's checked himself out of hotel Holby, don't you?

You're kidding me? We've still got to monitor his heart.

Mm-hm. Discharged himself.

Apparently, three square meals and a warm bed for didn't quite appeal.

Oh, and I did ring the number on the file for his daughter.

You know, just to let her know what was going on.

-Had a funny suspicion he wouldn't let her know that something was wrong.

-What did she say?

Couldn't get through. Number unobtainable. Weird. Anyway...

Morven?

Before you go, Mr Griffin did want to tell you himself, but he's in emergency surgery, so...

Congratulations.

You are officially this hospital's Foundation Doctor Representative.

Yes! Yes!

Oh, I won't let you down!

-Fletch, have you heard the good news?

-Er...no.

He better not try and poach you from us.

You are a vital part of this team and don't you forget it.

I'm AAU. I've got it written right through me.

Yes!

Right, the cross clamp is off. Ready to come off bypass...

very slowly now.

More 5-0 prolene, please.

So, was it love at first sight?

Hm? Sorry?

You and...

Miss X, did you make each other's souls spontaneously combust with passion?

Well, it was a bit more of a slow burn, if you must know.

Was she the one who finished it?

I fail to see what business that is of yours?

Let me put it another way.

How would you feel if you saw her with another man?

Well, she's a free agent - she can do what she wants.

In that case, would it make you mad if I asked her out on a date?

She's been through the mill a lot recently.

I really feel a bit of space would do her good.

I'll give you until Christmas Eve, otherwise it's open season.

BEEPING

Hang on. The heart's distending.

It's struggling to deal with the new circulation configuration.

Back on bypass, quickly, please!

So what now?

Allow the ventilator a bit of time to do its work and hope his heart gets with the programme.

We go again.

SIREN WAILS

-There you are, Arty.

-Ah!

-Do you want some help with that?

-Ah!

Did you talk to your daughter?

Yeah, she wants me to go stateside for Christmas.

Maybe take in a bit of Vegas whilst you're there?

That's a damn good idea.

Probably changed out of sight since I was last there!

What number did you call her on, mate?

Back on bypass, please.

Third attempt, he's not going to go back into sinus.

Can you stop being so negative and come up with some solutions?

OK... Well, we remove the patch,

we try and restart the heart by keeping the shunt in situ.

Not an option. The shunt will almost certainly become fully reversed.

Well, I'm out of ideas - what choice do we have?

Do we have any Sildenafil?

Hey, Parker, you OK?

Yeah, just waiting for my ride.

Scotty's mum's picking you up?

I won't bother her. I'll take the bus.

Do you want to tell me what the real deal here is?

His dad's decided that as I ended up in hospital today,

maybe it's best if we spent some time apart.

They've bailed on you?

Have you got anywhere else to go?

That uber babe been discharged yet?

There she goes, if you fancy your chances.

Come on.

I can't go back to Mum's.

One night probationary period.

You mean...I can come home with you?

No girls, boys, or booze or even cinnamon, for that matter.

You follow these rules and we'll get along fine.

Are you serious? You've got Wi-Fi, right?

Superfast broadband.

I'll need my PlayStation, obviously.

Well, you clear it with Kim and you're on.

You got reckless in the States?

Had a glamorous lifestyle to keep up, or so I thought.

What's that mean?

My wife left me, said I'd become obsessed,

that I wasn't the normal, working-class bloke I used to be.

The money changed you?

Didn't have any left by then. Good-looking woman, my Shirley.

She didn't run off with anyone, didn't gold-dig.

She just went back to her folks in Dorset.

Craved the simple life.

What about your daughter?

I last saw her ten years ago at her mum's funeral.

She had a right go at me for letting her and Shirley down.

She blames you, then?

I blamed myself. Scarpered straight after the vol-au-vents.

Hm.

My last bastion of technology.

I charge it up whenever I can since they cut off the power at the flat.

You should be under observation for at least a couple of days.

I believe so.

Not going to happen, though, is it?

You know that money you won for me?

It's going to keep me going for a week or so.

I like to pay my way.

How did you know he was bluffing?

I didn't. Ran out of chips, hadn't I?

Had no choice but to call him.

See you around, Fletch.

Say goodbye to Ricky for me.

Scotty's mum doesn't know what she's set herself up for.

What do you mean?

Whole-wheat cereals are the devil's work, according to Parker.

That and brown bread.

Although if you smother it in Nutella, he'll love you forever!

I'm actually with him on that one!

So is it party central round your gaff while the cat's away?

Oh, too right!

There's a cup of Horlicks waiting for me at home with my name on it.

Crazy me, you know!

Well, you know where I am if you need anything.

I think you've done enough, thank you, Raf.

You're a good friend.

You've never seen it before?

A few times. It still freaks me out.

Like staring into the face of Medusa.

I heard that!

It lives!

Well?

We managed to remove the cyst and saved the ovary,

thanks to Mr Griffin here and my own sleight of hand.

What do you want, a medal?

I think a simple thank you wouldn't be out of place.

If it hadn't been for Mr T's persistence, you might not even be here.

Thank you. Any sign of malignancy?

Biopsies with histology. And so the jury's out, but on first glance...

What happened with Alistair?

Fenulating the ASD patch didn't prove to be enough, I'm afraid.

But after giving Alistair a Sildenafil infusion,

we managed to wean him slowly off bypass.

His heart is already correcting the shunt.

You gave Emma's uncle Viagra?

It expanded the vessels in his heart,

allowed for easier blood flow.

We'll need to keep him on it for a few days, I would imagine.

I think Alistair would sooner have died than let me have that bit of information.

Thanks, Rossini.

Got a visitor for you.

Hey!

Lift you up. One, two, three.

Can I have a cuddle?

We'll leave you to it.

Your date's back on, then?

Why would you say that?

Doesn't Uncle Sacha smell lovely?

So, tell me, is that little girl giving you any more problems at nursery?

No.

No? You're a Naylor, we can always practise our death stare.

No? We'll settle for cuddles?